Ep. 91 - Back In The Honda

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turmino and gay.

We want to send you off in style. Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about every scared or was it fine?

Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen Kilgarriff.

You like that position? No, okay, Karen is driving my Honda car. We are in the car. That's what you heard, right, Yeah, that's studio. You can tell by the lowerds sown quality guys.

This is we're back to our roots.

Our roots. As some might say. Some people say creek or creek.

I mean I want to say whatever sounds the most old fashioned, yeah and kind of wild Westie, So I.

Say roots, We're back to our roots. Thank you, thank you.

That guy pulled all the way over and he didn't need to. And sometimes I find.

That's passive aggressed I think he's being condescending.

Yeah, but then it also could just be maybe he just paid his car off and he's just like, please, God, can I just have a nice thing for five minutes?

Well, people that live up here, there's a reason I don't know where we are. Do you know where we are?

We're in the Bourbank Hills.

Oh it's beautiful.

Look at that reindeer.

They're ready, they are ready for the holidays.

It's pretty nice up here.

It is very nice up here. And whenever someone lives in a nice place, I consider it some version of white flight. Like they're scared of people, and of course they pull over when they're driving because they think the world is going to attack them.

Yes they do.

They watch a lot of Fox News probably and they're told the world is going to attack them because that is what's financially beneficial for Fox News.

Yeah. But I find also those same people that are like that.

Also are the same people who get pure bread dogs, bring them to the dog park, and then will not leave the fucking dog alone the entire time it's at the dog park.

Oh yeah, when people get frustrated that their dog is playing with other dogs, which is the why dog parks.

Exist and the only thing a dog wants to do. They don't want to play catch with you. They don't give two fucks about you and your girlfriend. They just

I don't I don't like people at dog parks. I do like dogs at dog parks. I'm not a dog owner, but I the times I've been to a dog park with a friend's dog, just watching them team up into clicks mm hmmm, very high school. They do that, get into groups and they're like, let's hang out. You have a similar bill to as me. Yeah, so we're gonna have some animosity at first, but then we're going to team up. And then they of course team up on a little dog and knock him over and he rolls

I do too, and I love watching my dog.

God, that's an ugly mustard colored.

Yeah, that's a horrible house.

We're talking about seventeen seventy Cleveland. Go ahead and everything. I won't see it because it's yolk colored.

What if there's like an old man sitting in his gorgeous bows speakered room inside that house, listening to our podcast and he hears his address, It's just.

Like, what the fuck?

I finally made it.

They're insulting my beautiful mustard home.

I'm insulted, yet so excited to be mentioned on diner.

I'm a diner head from way back.

I usually trow if there is a bus. We used to do acid and go to shity shitty. I am done with that character. It's hard, it's all right, it's hard on the the old vultual chords. I dinar means something other than do you need a ride? Abbreviated an acronym if we will anytime, abbreviated word, you say it and it's a word. It's called an acronym. People often take a call M I T for instance, an acronym. No, those are initials unless you call it mitt.

Oh.

I see you speak it out as well. So dinar is in reference to something.

What if on Instagram? Every time I tag a photo or something, dinar or it's whatever whatever your social media is. But there's hundreds of them and I click on it, and it's like Indian folks. So in India, I think it means something like a celebration maybe, or what if it means uh, what if? It's what if? What if we're maybe I should do that research.

I mean we could what if we're.

Proclaiming something religious or political?

I feel like And this is a total guess. Uh, isn't dinar or DNR? Dinar money in India could be like the dollar over there, but it's spelled with an I on y No, this.

D y n a r is a trending always. Uh, there's always hundreds of people talking about dinar and then I'll click on it and it's people in dressed up in nice robes and burcas and whatever. Shawls pas mean as sarongs be dazzled capes on their forehead. Yes, bolero ties. No, I'm just saying words, but it is is something and.

Some day we'll find out what it is. Yeah, yeah, and do a special special episode on.

Someone looked it up right now and they're gonna someone let us know. Someone corrected me the other day that the cook from you Can't do That on television is is not Barf, It's Barth. I don't know. Maybe it was during another podcast. I don't know.

I wonder.

Oh so someone that liked it enough to correct you during a different podcast.

They woke up, they opened their laptop, they cracked their knuckles, and they fired off a tweet directly to me.

That's kind of But don't you think he was named Barth?

Because it sounds like Barf and he was a cook and its children's whatever stet.

Show or whatever it was.

Also, I know the guy's name isn't Barf.

Oh I think I said Barth. I don't know who cares.

You can't do that on podcasts.

You can't be wrong about Barf on podcasts.

These houses are beautiful, I know, aren't they nice? Look at that one? What do these people do for a living? Something?

Spect they all own a piece of the Zancu chicken Empire, almost all of them. I actually looked at houses in this area. I looked at houses in this area long ago when I bought my house. Uh, and there are This is a very Armenian neighborhood, which is what that

We're the Glendale Bourbank Hills.

Wow, and there's tons of Armenians around here. And there is a generalization. But from the houses that I looked at, they love tile, marble tile and gold fixtures.

Oh yeah, that was.

Almost all the houses around here.

The outside it looks like a normal ranch style house, but the inside it looks like a gorgeous.

Palace, but only like say eleven hundred square feet.

I think, Yeah, I used to like tile and gold fixtures are brass, you know, I'm not rare Check grew up with a lot of brass from a store down the street called Oaken Brass. There was made of oak and or brass.

Oh that's so eighties.

Yeah, yeah, it was so eighties everything there, it's it's just walking into the eighties.

But oak and brass. It would be a miracle if that place was.

Still I think it is. It's part of a place called Furniture Row. It just had to get absorbed by some sort of mattress outfit.

Yes, or by Moda Italia two thousand or whatever that place is.

It'd be fun to wear a mattress outfit and then just kind of purposefully fall down hills. I'm sorry, everyone's that's what they call a curveball in the buz.

Yeah. No one saw that mattress outfit joke coming.

It was shocking, and no one said goodbye to it.

No one let it in the front door. Everybody locked down for the evening.

Are you saying that I shouldn't have that be my Halloween.

Costume mattress outfit?

Yeah, I'm a bed No I can't, but you will get tired within the first half hour and be really mad.

It would be fun to dress up like a pretty convincing bed.

A guy in his bed, Yeah, I bet, I bet that's been done.

I'm gonna do. I mean I did it before. I did a guy sitting on a toilet. So I turned my body waist down into a toilet. I paper machee my real toilet, put it around my waist, made little fake foam rubber legs with a carving knife and a carving knife and a mattress, which is why I bring it up. I little leg so it really looked like I was sitting on a toilet, and it looked like the fake legs where my legs and I'm sitting. It was so fun.

People loved it.

I went to costume contests two hundred bucks here, one hundred and fifty here. Yes, I just swept the town. Fuck yes, I didn't even have fun that night. I saw it as a way to make money.

It was you were a businessman and I'm not.

A toiletore as in my early twenties.

Uh, you could do this again.

I think I want to.

Yeah, I think you should.

You're an artist started on it.

You're a comedian and an artist.

You're the one of the few people who can actually do a funny Halloween costume correctly. You know, there's a lot of people who are like I know, I'll do a funny Halloween costume.

I'm gonna be a racist. I'm gonna be in the KKK shit like that. You're like, no, this a.

Isn't funny, And then, b why would you put your time into that?

Right? I don't. Just think about how many people this year are going to be dressed as Trump. It makes me want to stay home.

Well, it's why I stay home.

So many people are going to be Trump this year. Yeah, just what they're shitty? Wig think of it. If there's a guy and he's in a store bought Trump costume, I'm gonna treat him like the actual.

Donald Trump and spit right on him.

Spit right into his bird's nest.

I'm gonna grab his pussy. Sorry, I had to say it. It's topical.

Apparently we're all allowed to say it now. You can say pussy as much as you want. They do it on the news like it's not a problem.

The funny thing is, I listen to that, and I was, of course horrified. But when he said the way delivery, and it was like being in a boy's locker room hearing that, It's all I left thinking. After hearing that conversation was so much I didn't like Billy Bush because he already was defending Ryan Lockley and defending rape and stuff, right, wasn't. Yeah, he's a piece of shit already.

Yeah he's a huge but no one knew.

So the Trump part, I'm like, yeah, oh wow, he said the wrong thing. But when he said, oh, I just go up and grab him by the pussy, he was trying to he was being funny. He was trying to shock Billy Bush and make him laugh and it worked. And then yeah, it worked, So I wasn't. I left that thinking, yeah, Trump piece, same old Trump, but Billy Bush he can go eat it. Yeah he deleted his Twitter account.

Did he really?

I'm sure people were really attacking what an admittance of guilt.

Oh yes, every every comment it's about him, because the Trump thing isn't really news.

Uh well, also, you know that's I feel like that's the kind of it boils down to a thing like that, whereas everybody knows kind of what Trump is on the surface, it's that thing of and I think it's an impossible request, but it's that thing that like women talk about all the time where it's just like the Billy Bushes are worse than the Trumps, because Trump you can see coming.

And they're the ones that like.

But then when it's boys time, like all bets are off and you can just fucking like demean whoever whenever for your own joy.

That's the That's what I think.

What women really fear are the fake, fake friends that are actually just total fucking pigs.

Yeah, it's a shame. There's some guy you see, be actor guy that you know I go part of the show sometimes as a judge, and he's one of the performers and he seems nice, but he has this alter ego that online he says horrible anti women things as a as a rape what do you call it when someone does that thing? Rape apologist, rape apologist. Yeah, and it's not a character I don't think.

I think, I'm no, Well, there's a lot of guys that are like, it's.

A fucking horrifying because you wouldn't know from looking at the dude or talking to him. It seems nice, but once that was out there, you know, it's just so horrible that how often is that person just walking around and you think they're just a normal nice guy, or maybe if at worst socially awkward or whatever, But inside they are seething terrible. They are terrible things because their mom burned them in a bathtub when they're a kid, yes, or or for no reason, just because.

They're past because they're a sociopath, yeah exactly, or yeah, they had either a bad mom or they had a way too nice mom or whatever.

There's lots of reasons that people are damaged.

Every relationship I have that doesn't go well, I blame on being circumcised too late in my babyhood. He did a sloppy job. I don't know why he signed us an.

I used to blame it a lot on that I was nursed. The nursing end ended too quickly for me. But then my mother said when I told her that I'd read that somewhere, my mother said, it's always the mother's fault.

Oh that's funny, And.

I was like, oh, I guess that's true.

Yeah, it's never like what if it's because your dad was withholding or whatever, or your your.

Dad was basically actually pulling you away from her breast.

Now it's my turn.

Now he would yell at a child who the weirdest dad.

Daddy want milky. He talks, we hate this person.

No, you know what, Now I'm on that rape apologist's side because it all makes sense.

So if you just explained that at the beginning.

If I just started this with my daddy want milky character.

But I have to say, remember, you know, five years ago, at the beginning of the like, rape jokes are fine, whatever Second Amendment or whatever.

The fucking argument that everyone was having.

Oh oh, kind of spurred people are talking about it because of some Daniel Tosh.

Yeah, yeah, it was that, all of the joke.

And man, it's a bad example of someone he just there's no way.

That joke could be funny setting it up that way of saying everything's funny, no matter what the end of that joke has to be so funny that it's impossible. He screwed himself by even setting something up that way, because it's like, well, first of all, I don't know how funny you are to begin with, and now you're basically setting up this bar that you have to jump over that you're not going to be able to.

I've heard the real joke, and it the people talking about it afterwards. It was worse the way he delivered it. I remember, Yeah, it wasn't the funniest joke in the world, but it also wasn't He wasn't simply saying rape is funny, or it was I can't remember. It's so hard to talk about people's material. Well, but there's so many better examples I think of offensive the people. I just meant.

Yeah, well that's you know.

Part of my point is that that when that discussion started, it seems so impossible because there was many many more rape joke apologists and people who are like, look, it's not a problem or whatever. And over time I think people have slowly begun to wake up to the fact that just because like it can't or doesn't or hasn't happened to you, that doesn't mean you get to dictate

There are some who can do it, many who cannot, many who can.

Think.

The dumbest joke I have that is making light of pedoph like where I'm like, I'm not trying to fuck your kid, he's a redhead. That is just a statement, But it is what if someone I don't even think about. What if there's a redheaded person that was molested, Yeah, and they're sitting there and I really touched on something. I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

Well, I mean exactly, there's always something risk.

There's someone in the audience always that has gone through something, and it doesn't matter if you're being quote unquote risky or not that has that has a sensitive I've learned.

That I got to write no jokes. I got quit doing that one.

I've never heard you do that though.

Oh it's about me. I like kids, and when I see kids, I'm at the age where I should have kids maybe or this paternal instinct is kicked in, and I talk to kids that aren't my kids all the time, like if I'm in a mall or whatever, And people, of course think that's weird. If you're like, hey, how are you, buddy, Usually the parents are right there, but just talking about talking about makes people nervous. So that's why I throw that joke in there, and it really

Well it's but that's funny because that's true.

Like men your age, single men kind of can't talk to children, especially with that mustache you have right now.

Yeah, makes it even worse, especially.

With your windowless van.

I just don't think it's a good You think the hot tub's too much?

I mean in the back of a van, Yes.

Can make me a bad mile.

I'll tell you that.

No, I do. I do. I do like kids. I went to the house.

My friends don't say it like that.

I love kids, but don't say, oh, growley, I like kids.

I do.

Kids are a thing. I enjoy it.

No, I just do.

Little guy, look he's the cutest.

Hit him.

There's just a little kid jumping in yelling. Yeah, I guess I need to have some hang out with my nieces and nephew. That'll fulfill the desire. I shouldn't be having kids.

I desire isn't the word should at all ever, desire shouldn't be accurate.

I just want to have kids around me, around my lap.

Oh who's the comic that said sitting on a throne of boys? But Matt? He was no from back in the day Matt's Winehold.

Oh, yes, he is so funny.

He is great. He is great.

She is great.

He's still alive and he's still doing great comedy.

Is he doing stand up?

Yeah? I'm sure I doesn't know.

I mean I have I see him like once a year. He's the best. Look at her outfit? Is that Kim Karduscian?

Wow, it sure looks like someone that follows her beauty tips.

Yes, she had a lot.

Of contouring going on. She was a gorgeous woman. And there was cutouts in her little black dress. That's how I first noticed her. Was it looked like a chunk of her upper thigh dress was missing.

Oh, wow, you didn't notice.

I didn't notice that. No. I looked straight at her face out of respect, like, look right in the eyes, and I not, ma'am. I say to myself, we're.

Very close to the Moonlight roller rink right now. Have you ever been there? No, you've never gone llerating.

It's an old fashioned, like straight out of the eighties roller ring.

This spl I do love to skate. I I do like roller skating. I do enjoy it. I'm decent added it.

How about bullying.

Going counterclockwise oddly similar leg thing that I do when I'm bowling. I take my right one slide it behind the left. Just with skating, I do it repeatedly, that's right, not just as a celebrate.

Very much the same form.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good at both. I'm really pretty good at roller skating. I speaking of pedophiles though, There was a ice rink in Culver City that sadly just closed. But it was real cool because it's just it's real ice. It's indoor. Of course it's cold, it's not all year round. But I've been there a couple of times because it was near my place in mar Vista and it's mostly kids. But there was a guy there that was in all black with like a turtleneck, and he was just creepy

And he was knew that children loved me.

He was skating around, doing little spins and just being real creepy. And then at one point he was on the side. I was on a date. He was on the side of the rink just looking through the glass into the like snack area. Yeah, there's just kids in there eating and he's just staring at them, and I was I just went up to him and I said, you're acting peculiar, That's all I said. But he got very defensive and he and then he just started focusing on but I think he was getting away from himself

Did he leave?

I had to tell this story because I wanted to contrast my joke deep bet and file shit.

Good idea that you're also doing good in the community.

Yeah, he knew what I meant when I said that he was being real weird. He was shown his rings to ooh, sparkly. It's funny because most of the kids are like, yeah, I've seen a fake emerald before. Your weirdo.

Yeah, it's not that's not a thing. Kids are into men and jewelry.

I don't know if this used to work with you back in the Nine Days, but kids don't care about your jewels or back.

When you were Lad the Impaler, what was a decent skater At one point he had a career on ice.

You think did he shoot the duck?

He probably had kids on ice in his I don't want to shoots to shoot the duck.

That's when you squat down and put one leg up straight in front of you and then the other one stays in and you.

Oh, yes, he did shoot was in the bedroom. I am a.

Sorry describe something that did sound like a.

Sexual body position. So I had to go in there with the A lot of people would have did what I just did.

Yes, that's my point. A lot of people would have could have. Oh, look at this man sleeping on a bus bench.

Oh and he's a regular guy.

Yeah he doesn't.

He's got like dre headphones.

You know what he looks like.

To me, it's like they their tour and they've spent the day trying to get around Burbank and Los Angeles and they're like out here stuck at that bus stop and he's had it.

Yeah, I bet you're right that.

I feel so bad for tourists that come to La oh it is.

There's this Japanese couple that were walking around with a map upside down and they were like trying to They were walking along by the studio Paramount and I was like, they just came up and they're like handed me the map and they're like, Highland, Oh, let's see. And then I had trouble with the map, which was in all English. I was like, where the fuck is island on here?

Well why not get a translation book? How can you?

They were they were very young. They were basically me if I went to Europe when I was or somewhere where they actually don't speaking, you know, when I was young. But I can see like, well, we'll just go there and walk around. It will work out. It was working out.

Not working out well.

But it rarely works out for tourists in Hollywood because once you get away from Hollywood and Highland and Vine and Libria, which is basically what three block four block distance, it's shit town.

It's awful.

You either make it into the ship town or you're by that point you're already in the sex industry. You've been sold into sex.

You've been sold in and you're just doing it for a living. It's tiring.

The core is not that nice.

It's mostly brass. I can't but we've only been podcasting for twenty five minutes. Is that surprising to you?

It is surprising to me.

Yeah, it's the clock off on this beast.

I don't know. Well, maybe just because we'd already started.

Oh yes, yes we did.

It seems like a long previous thing.

Well, previously on Dinah. I'd like to record all of our previously ons.

If we ever have to do that, Oh, that would be really fun.

Previously on Dinah, I'll do it like that.

Has there been there probably has been, But Martha Kelly did a funnier die thing. It was like with b J. Porter and and uh Scott. It was called what's it called? Was a parody of a soap opera? Lake, Charles Lake? Did you ever see that? No, I was a guy. It was like an overly dramatic Joe Wagner was in it and he was great, Martha was great, and I was in it. Tig was in it. Patrick Keane was in it. It was really fun and it was a

It's not you can't give it away.

Who's who did it?

You guys did it?

Oh? Yeah, you're right, you're right. I forgot about the version that I just brought up.

You're not talking about a dream you hope comes true. It happened.

It is good. Yeah, it is good that it is online permanently. I someone that I was did Q and A at the graduation as some comedy class today and they asked if I worry about firing off my jokes on Twitter, which I thought was a good idea for brand new comedian people. And I said, I don't worry about it at all because of anything. You're taking your idea and you're time stamping it permanently and as evidence in case you see someone. I think it keeps a

Well, I mean the time stamp thing really is is the main reason that I don't not do it, because that's what I used to think the same thing. But it's like a if you want to be a comedy writer, and if you're doing stand up you are a comedy writer, then you should get used to churning out massive levels of material.

That's part of.

It, right, And when you can timestamp it, then any all of that is just like, oh I thought of that first, then you actually have proof if you thought of it first or not.

Yeah, but for the most.

Part, you should just there should be no joke that you think is so precious and dear that you can't make it public that.

Way, right. Yeah. I wish that it had been around when I had got Dmitri Martin problem where he had similar to or sub verbatim and I was like, hey, take my word for it, rather than being accusing someone. I'm like, I have a joke just like that. I wish that I had had Twitter or something where it was or on YouTube. I didn't have that kind of proof. And now it's like, I think it's handy. So that's what I should have said to that class.

Well, I mean, you know, they shouldn't be doing stand up anyway, so it's fine, don't worry it.

No one knew should get it. It's so so much of me wanted to say that because every my stance on it, they were asking all these hopeful questions, and I think I was just like, oh, it takes no, no, it takes at least fifteen years. And yeah, you're going to keep asking for work, but you might not get it. Success comes and goes right now. And I mean a real lull. Is this helping you?

Guys? You just start crying.

They just they wanted to hear, like how do you get work? And I'm like, still a mystery to me, and I make a living doing this. I don't know how you get into comedy clubs. I bother them. They don't respond, Okay, next question.

Well, and also I'm glad you did that, because really the answer is no one can walk you through this. You don't get the easy way is, especially in stand up comedy, if you really want to do it, you have to go and eat shit for a long time and get better.

That's all I kept saying is I just keep doing it, and I don't know. I don't know why I'm doing it. Things happen peripherally jobs, you know, writing jobs, and commercial work, hosting jobs, things. But I just keep doing stand up. It's fine. I like it.

Yep.

I don't know why. You shouldn't ask why you should just want it.

You should know why you want to do it instead of asking someone else why they do it.

God, I wish you were there to be behind me like flavor flave and just yell.

Back and yell bitchy shit at children who are just trying something.

Stop trying this. You already failed.

There's no reason to start doing stand up that isn't the wrong one no matter.

What, because you're always wrong, you're always right, and there's there to be good at stand up.

There has to be something deeply wrong with you.

To be a funny person, you need to be in serious pain and very flawed and suck up.

All the time.

Had to be yanked away from a breast, you had to be burned in a tub.

You had to just have a deep seated personality disorder where you're a narcissiste, self serving co and also don't have a lot of shame or feelings.

Or you or you just got funny parents and they were like, Hey, you're funny. Do you want to do comedy?

That's sometimes that's necessary.

Some level of that happens if your.

Parents are boring or assholes who should probably become an accountant or a therapist probably it.

Would be good. Yeah, do you have a lot? There are I wonder who? I can't think of anyone right now, but I know they exist, funny, legitimately funny people to where when you meet their parents you're like, oh my god, how April Richardson April? It's yeah that there, But no, her mom wasn't. I could tell that she has.

A good sense of him.

Yeah, yeah, just not not a good you know, sense of style like comedy style air whatever. What am I saying?

She loves Steve Harvey.

She loves Steve Hartt, Like if you love a comedian, Look, there's the debate. Oh, wow, I should be watching it. I'm supposed to watch it. Oh, it's right now, it's happening, but I can catch up later.

I feel a little fatigued. I feel like I know what's gonna happen. I watched the first one and it I was in such a deep cringe the entire time that I hurt my neck.

Yeah, because it's he shouldn't be there.

Really hurt your neck.

Yes, we were watching it at work, so we were I was facing I had to look to the left to watch it for an hour, and it was him going wrong, wrong, And there's all everything about him. He doesn't Yeah, he doesn't know the rules, he doesn't have real answers, he's he's a fraud, and yet he is so psychotically narcissistic that he thinks he's getting away with it.

And yet he's still had a couple of applause breaks like.

Yeah, but someone else mentioned maybe it was you and I talking about it. Yeah, because the people that are that support him are they would applaud him murdering a baby with his hands.

They're they're not Okay.

It's those people. Yeah. There's a section at the debate in the audience for overalls only.

Well, and also you were they were told repeatedly you can't applaud, and they did it of course anyway, because these days in our society, everyone thinks they're the exception of the rule, right, and so it doesn't matter if the rule says you can't do it, I can because it's me is everything in our society.

And really, I'm coming down on society, isn't it.

So of course Pence would not have had anything to do with the debate tonight, the vice presidential one. But did he ever read did you? It's not official yet, but he's dropped out.

Most likely there's there's rumors that he is being asked asked to be He is asking to be taken.

Off the ticket.

Oh you can't take yourself up.

I mean, I don't know.

I wonder, I don't.

I think it's like if you get dominated, you're that's an official thing.

He just keeps going to places with wide out and no, no, no, not me, no no, no, no, don't pick me. No, it's Eddie Pence, Los Angeles comedian. Oh here's flappers. I headlined this place.

Jeff Garland's in there.

Look at that jet to is he doing some loose material.

He's gonna loose loose, meet it up.

He's gonna Lucy goose it up. Jimmy Pardo, Jimmy Parto. Here's a plug for flappers. Jimmy Parto October tenth.

Oh, he's sure that will be a show worth going to. Jimmy Parto.

Yeah, Jimmy Parto is uh. He's one of my I mean he's not old enough to be, but he is one of my comedy dads a little bit.

Yes, he took me a hero on the road O fatherly, Oh, I see advice.

I know, I don't. Yeah, it's weird to say. He did.

Always a great show to watch together.

It would be fun. We used to. He'd take me to lunch when we are on the road. I need you. Go to a restaurant and he's like, Hi, how are you. My nephew's in town. This is my nephew, Chris to the waiter and then they're like, oh, yeah, he just graduated from Naval academy. Tell him, Chris, tell him about the navy. It's like, oh, fuck, come on, And you had to like play along, otherwise he'd actually get mad at you and it's so it's that thing that he does.

It with only I would literally walk away if if I was there.

I so don't want to trick normal people who don't understand anything that's happening.

Oh interested, I didn't want to either. But remember a very fun version at the Olive Garden where I had to talk about him being my uncle.

For quite a while, and that you're in the Army or the Air Force or I couldn't remember which branch.

We don't ask for experience, we give it.

Wow.

Remember that commercial. No thought I was Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

We don't ask for experience, we give it, and we don't something else.

We live it. Wow. Remember it sounds more like it's a you know, it's a jingle for Pontiac.

Taurus. Now there's an American car. Look at this, exactly what you've been looking for.

Lately. Remember the English rock version lately driven a fod lightly. The mountains right now are being kissed by an angle of the sun that can only be described as beautiful.

This is magic hour they call it in the movies where the sun goes down but it's still up, but all the light gets diffused.

It's very pinkagh it's gold twilight hour. You're wrong, it's magic ye.

Look at the sun as a cascades over the Ikea that I went to twice this fucking week. Why I went to buy curtains. They were labeled under the ones they had on display, perfect size for my windows. The ones I reached down a grab were made for a castle.

They went all the way to the ground.

Yeah. They were big, long tapestry flags, like like Hitler you'sda have at his speeches.

You couldn't cut them in half and have four curtains.

Yeah, but they still had that swas that's good time.

You know. We went to Staples before this podcast started to buy it what do you call it? Card?

And the girl I don't know if you notice that girl that works there. She had red hair and a ponytail and with red lipstick on. And I was already at Staples earlier today buying printer ink, and so when I walked in she had it was the funniest thing.

She had the look of shock on her face.

Oh that's funny. How are you here twice in a day? I have to come here once a day and I don't understand it.

Yeah, it was like she wanted to say, what you're back, but she didn't say.

That's funny. Yeah that Ikea. There's a greeter and he is from Sweden. He's like an old Swedish guy.

Oh and do they have that at all of them or just that one?

I don't know. He just happens to be. So they're like, we gotta get it. We gotta get this guy to at least hand out shopping carts for some And he remembers me having left a couple days earlier and I came back to return the curtains and he's like returning those curtains huh. And I'm like, whoa, because that hundreds of people he had small talk with. I'm just saying, that guy a great memory. He deserves the free meats, like eight, Oh shit, dude.

Yeah, so he's doing good.

Mm hmm. Well you're like me where it's like when if someone's above sixty five and they have a better memory than me, I want to give them like a Nobel peace prize if.

There's If I meet an old lady in the store, you know, every once in a while. I don't know if this happens to you, it happens to me a lot.

Old ladies will talk to me, like if we're both in their fruit section or whatever, It'll.

Be like I thought these pages went out of season week ago whatever. I'm always having those kinds of conversations.

And anytime it's a lady who looks like she could be seventy eight or eighty, when I walk away, I start crying because God bless them for still being so sharp that they are out shopping for themselves, probably drove themselves there getting it done, and then aren't riddled with Alzheimer's.

I love it, and I also cry at that, and I think that it's obviously because we both have that in common.

No, I think it's because I'm bipolar.

Oh, it's because of your emotional problems. Okay, Well, then I don't know why I do it. Maybe I just had something in my eye. Every time I talk to the elderly, Oh, you.

Should go to an allergists.

Maybe I should.

You're allergic to old people.

I'm heard allergic to those Santa Ana winds now.

We're driving into the sun. But it's such a pleasant experience because it's the whole.

Sky is gold.

It is entirely gold. It is gold, like the end of the Outsiders. And I don't know if that means is there a fire or is it just there's a haze over the mountains.

The sun is just I think we've got a marine layer, and I think that's that's making everything look real pleasant.

Well we have here's a cold front coming in over the initial Arctic flow, causing what will be tomorrow. Hey folks, sunshine. Do you think I could have been a meteorologist?

Yes, thank you, voice alone, you could have.

That's probably just the voice.

I like to look and see if we're ever getting what the percentage chance of rain is. It's been zero percent for literally one year. I'm going fucking crazy. I need moisture from San Francisco, where there's fog and rain and this place is like an old, caked up, leftover bar of soap in an abandoned house.

We live in a in a urinal cake with crime.

It's terrible.

There's got to be people that hear us listening, you know, our fans in Seattle and Portland that just are like, fuck you.

Yes, all the people are going through the hurricane.

They're standing right now with headphones drenched, like looking like the girl from the Ring, just wet. Well. Jealous.

If you're please know that I am jealous of you.

Yeah, if you're damp right now in any way for any reason, and I don't want to hear why I'm jealous.

This is a classic case of the grass being greener on the other side, except here it's all dead, so it's not that case.

There's no because there's no green.

There is no grass here.

There's it's all flown away and burned up. Yeah, God damn it, God damn.

We're in a drought and we're angry about it.

We just want one rinse offt that's all I need. It could rain for fifteen minutes, that's all.

To get some of this oil off the streets.

And these these the oil off all these goddamn birds.

These foods are rilled with oil.

They're filthy birds.

They have combination skin.

They need an acne mask of some kind. But first, rinse it. I went to Ross Dress for less time.

To get some shirts, and they had all these I bought like two different night masks and all more one the other night because someone with Tourett's basically said, oh man, you got some wrinkles this year.

Oh I'm like what, Like, I guess I have some laughlyre crows. You know, it's inevitable, right, starting to look my age whatever.

But also that's it's a natural thing for your face to bend at certain areas.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I just but I bought some bought lot of lotions because they're like normally fifty dollars and they're five dollars and some under a pair of underwear at ross.

That's right, and probably because there's a chemical in them that burns of your skin.

It does burn?

Does it burn?

There?

Is?

I have like red patches on my face. I don't think it's good for you.

Is it a retinol? Is the Does it have the ingredient retinol in it?

Oh?

Should I not be using that?

Well, it's just very that's the strongest one you can have. That's like that's like middle aged lady face message.

Oh no, I did see that. Yeah, No, that's it's really expensive, like Rock brand retinal therapy.

Yes, but it actually works of all the things that they.

Say work okay, because you're burning off your skin, because.

Yes, you have to. You just take it off. It just micro layer by micro layer.

And god, it's really funny that I'm a man who's.

Just ready to have this conversation.

Yeah, I've been in fistfights in my life. But the lotion that I have that has alpha hydroxy acid is that? Does that work?

That's very good.

Yes, it's just nutrigena. You know, it's a man's lotion. It's slightly tinted.

But I didn't do that, not a man's lips.

I shaved the other day and put it on, and girl, I was mcaulay Culkin from that classic scene and Daniel Sharon takes it in the nuts lighter turned to a movie called Home Alone. It really burned my face, like like Sea Breeze.

Oh remember Sea Breeze, God, don't I got it's and that ship is so bad for your skin, like seabrees and like Saint Ives Apricot scrub, Like that's the worst thing you could do, is Acney.

Yes, oh wow, all those things and that's all we were doing.

My beautiful sister always had in high school, like the the most judgmental years for a young girl had acne and was using all that stuff. It was seabreez and oxy ten and fucking all that shit, and it was so frustrating.

For I remember the first time I saw pro active commercial and it was this whole thing of like gentle cleansing and this and the all the before and after pictures, and I was just like, we've truly come into a new age where they've prioritized this problem and actually solved it, not just like here's a bunch of shit to scrub.

Your face with it's the wrong thing, right, but actually did research.

Like that's why I feel like those people. I hope they make billions of dollars because then kids don't have to have fucking horrible acne anymore.

Yeah, it's the worst. It's I was lucky my mom and I never had a bad acne problem. Uh, but my mom gave divbied out all acne advice. Oh, don't touch it, never pop it. Yeah you leave a whitehead on the forehead for Yeah, of.

Course that My mom did the exact same thing.

Don't don't pick your skin, don't pick your face where it's like, what am I supposed.

To do went to a place and paid someone that's what they do.

Yes, you got to get rid of it.

I think I don't remember if someone professionally. I know that there's people out there that professionally, if you get a facial they pops it. It's just like a civilian. Yes, they don't do it, and they maybe clean their fingers they were.

Usually they'll wear gloves, yeah, hopefully, and they do it like they do it in a circular motion so they don't scar or break your skin.

Wearing gloves it makes you a specialist. Call me a doctor and a pro skier. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm just saying gloves don't make you.

You know what I mean, Well, don't wear ski gloves to poposits.

That's not going on, only because it makes it harder to pinpoint. You're squeezing half your face if you're don't get me started on mittens. I can't even I can't even get my boot in the bindings. For some of you out there that have snowboarded, now we are Scott.

It's so gorgeous.

I love it.

This is Instagram ready, this sky.

I'll take a goddamn picture.

Do it.

It's so beaprety. Just it's all clouds.

It looks like I'm sure the chemtrails people are going batshit bananas tonight to be.

Beautiful and we're gonna have this picture on the soon as it always looks ugly to have someone's tail lights in front of it.

Get those birds on the wire in there like windshielded.

So I washed my car and then scrubbed it down with a towel that I and, like I said before, previously had used to clean an elephant's butthole or something. It's very dirty towel, very dirty towel. I don't know why I ruined my car wash Anyway, I got a picture of the beautiful sky.

It will be a h go on the website that we have built.

Yes, yes, now, I'll just put it as an image for this episode.

Where are you're?

Oh?

Nice? Are the lights on that? I just turned the thing over here?

I think you Yeah, it looks did you twist it? It's probably the same as your Honda well wall, This was a good episode. Did you have an enjoyable time?

I really did. I laughed, and it's fun to.

It's kind of fun to be in the car as just a novelty treat.

I gotta say, I do love the car. It's fun, right, I mean, I think it's where. I think there's something about the distraction of the drive and the.

Changing scenery that makes it like when we're in the studio as much as I love it because it's convenient. Yeah, it's almost it's so static. It feels almost tiring.

Right right, I agree too. It was exciting at first, but now I'm seeing the benefits of being in the car. Maybe sometimes we'll.

Do the car sometimes, I think we can. I think when we have time.

I mean, my job is going to get easier because we just finished taping my episode for my show, so the work. I mean, I'll still obviously there's six more episodes to make, but sure.

I will just that basically, I think just this conversation is making some people just jump up and down about what in joy with joy.

They like it in the car, they do like it in the car. I want to give it.

Listen, if there's people that actually regularly listen to us, then I want to give them what they want out the stupid fucking show, don't you. I mean, there's this changes your life somehow. Let's make it good for you.

Yeah. For me, honestly, I'm such a way. It's almost like OCD. I just want the title of the podcast to still match what it is, not a dumb reason.

What do you mean?

Oh like that we're doing the thing, but them we're in a studio and new people will be like what I don't und I know.

There was somebody the other day that asked me about it, and then I was like, but now we do it in the studio, and then they were like.

Wait why, And then I was just like, I don't.

I mean, it's more I'm we've convinced ourselves it's more convenient.

Yeah.

Yeah, but well we'll get yeah, well we'll do We'll occasionally be in a studio. It was just nice to have that option because it sounds so good.

Well, and it's fun. It's a fun changer up, I mean wise.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, do you have any plugs?

What?

I uh? I was gonna wear April and I were gonna work on a little Northwest tour of sorts. We're throwing together. Good good but late November, late December, that's great, that'll be fun. Seattle, Portland, those those other towns that.

Exist Pacific Northwest. Keep your eye peels.

It's my favorite part of the country.

Honestly, it is the best.

When I was up I think we talked all about it on this podcast. But when I was up there a year ago for that All Jane Comedy Festival, Yeah, yeah, I wanted to live there because again, moist moisture. So many women wearing clogs, yes, so many women with hair.

Like mine, earthy the clogs. Sorry, I was still on the close hair.

That would be kind of Now. This guy's turning pink, blue and gold. This is quite amazing.

This is like the dress that split the nation.

I think it's yellow and blue.

I think you're a communist. So a girl got really mad at me because I saw a golden white dress in the photo. It's a golden my dress. And someone's like, I'm looking at a black, blue and black, a blue and black dress, and you're lying to me right now, And I'm like, I think you're lying. I don't believe that you actually see that. Yeah, it was so hard and how has it not been explained to me?

Well, I mean you probably haven't like really tried to look at like a YouTube video of somebody explaining it.

Right or anything.

Boy, No, I don't have that kind of time.

Because they do explain it. It's just the way some people's like eyes pull in.

Light or something.

It just threw me off because how many times then is someone wearing a crazy outfit, like when you do see someone with pink socks and an orange shirt and they think it's the same. Is it a color blind thing or no, it's a lighting thing. I just don't get it.

It's light and it's I think the way some people's eyes are.

I think it's just it's that kind of anominally because I see blue and black, I cannot understand how people see gold and white.

It doesn't make sense to me.

And what I love about it is really it seems to me to be kind of it's very representative of like the way this country has gone politically, where people see things differently and refuse to entertain that the way other people see things could be right.

Well, then, yeah, with this, I couldn't. I was like, there's no way your eyes are seeing How often has this come up then in life where because of lighting you're seeing a different thing than me. That's dresses. The first instance where everyone was like.

Holy shit, right, exactly.

Well, and that's a good thing to doubt your own perception because we're all just flawed human beings with that project and have weird rods and cones in our eyes.

And who the fuck knows what's constantly firing the roads the rods at as the cones of course receiving.

Oh is that true?

Like nah, who knows?

Maybe it's like if your rods are bigger, then you see blue and black, and if your cones are bigger, you see.

Yellow and gold.

Yeah, I know my rod's bigger when I see some nice cones.

Goodbye, Hey, I get out of the car.

Es roll into the street. Karen, No, that's not the joke.

I want you to die on.

Wait did I ever tell you this story? Our friends, Our friends, the Gardener's. It was my mom's best friend, Cynthia Gardner, her daughter Carrie, who was a now like a surgeon or something. She's really smart and really we always heard stories about Kerry Gardener because she was so funny. And when she got taught how to drive, when they drove home from her driver's test, she was so excited. She was driving home with her dad and she was so excited to tell her mom that she passed her

Of the car as she was driving toward the house. Oh my gosh, she took off the seatbelt and got out. Was like, Mom, I passed and got out of a moving car.

And then what happened to the moving car?

The dad had to reach over and like pull the emergency brake.

And that's like my favorite story because it wasn't She's in no way dumb or even an airhead.

Yeah, she just like was excited. Oh wow, I'm like gonna forgot.

Have you ever noticed this Toyota dealership how they propped up mannequins to look like people. We wanted to look like people are looking to purchase cars.

There's many, many customers everywhere around our lot and you can be one too.

And sometimes they are wearing clothing that is very bleached by the sun for many years.

And sometimes their faces are plastic. Are you doing Russian? What is this is?

It's I'm not racist enough to pinpoint accent. I just spread it across the board. Oh good, because I hear no evil. I don't know I was just a car dealer.

All right.

I could have been like, hey, do you want a new car? Living all these interested buyers, that.

Would have been better.

I feel like I would have been more comfortable and less triggered if you had done that.

This has been a very racist episode of Chris Fairbacks. Very what has happened to me? I moved to this.

City, you start seeing things color only there were some people who claim to see no color.

Total bullshit and also not the goal.

It was a fun of fun, the funnest thing ever for my sister and I to quote lines from Coming to America. We really loved that movie when he was young, and and then she in college, she took African American studies and came home one day and she said, hey, we can't. We can't do those voices anymore.

Did you?

Because you used to scream sexual chocolate at each other, like the way me and my friend TII forget Lewisbo.

You know we did. And then it was like that that's wrong, and I ended. I was like, oh, okay, I guess you're right.

I mean it's not fair though, because Eddie Murphy when I was growing up, Eddie Murphy was Eddie Murphy was right there in my life in the same way George Clooney was, where it's like a right at the best age. That was the guy that was in every movie and on every TV show, and so we were his fan. We listened to his stand up tapes. Yeah, like he was everything, and you wanted to talk like him because you wanted to do say funny things like yeah, yeah, but yeah you.

But also you're not allowed to look look at the sky, look at this guy.

Oh my god, we're taking at this guy. Look at this guy.

Look at this guy that looks awesome. And that's all pollution.

Oh, there's always a car in the way.

It's hot pink.

We'll go on Instagram for the evening of August ninth and you'll see I mean October.

Yeah, yeah, just just it's going to be a trending topic for as far as sunsets.

Okay, and it's a if you see any sunset picture, it's about our podcast Dinar yes, yes.

And last of course you're talking about Indian weddings.

And then Dinar Baby. I think the Indian one is Dinar Baby, right, I think so.

Yeah, I think so.

So.

Congratulations to them, do you need a reception is what they're attacking.

Good.

Yeah, you're okay, You're quick.

That's all I want.

I'm gonna say, this was your episode, Karen, Did.

I really shine?

Yeah? I gave a little bit of a luster here and there, but it was mostly asleep at the wheel.

I disagree. But here's what I will say. My question, my plug is is that we're doing business class this Wednesday.

Oh yes, You're in Los Angeles on Wednesday.

October the twelfth, I believe is Wednesday Improv Laboratory ten pm. Improv Lab Chris Fairbanks, Karen Kilgarff, April Richardson.

Uh. Yeah, there's there's some really good people. I think Dave Anthony's doing it.

Oh cool.

I think Ria Butcher might be doing cool. Andrew Mashawan, I believe he's doing it. He's skateboard king.

He's really good at skateboard.

I'm gonna talk to him about skateboarding.

She's uh he rips.

I love.

I love knowing that fact. I wish I knew a fact like that about every person I know.

Yeah. Yeah, it's while my phone doesn't work in the city I live in, so I'm unable to look anything up.

Okay, good, yeah, perfect.

Anyway, you uh, we've we've concluded this episode was a good one. You enjoyed it. You've been listening to Do you Need a Ride? D Y n A R.

Hong Kong.

We're in traffic. We didn't want to cat.

Are leaving you wanna way back?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and turning on engage. We want to send you us in sun Leanna, welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

Re scared her? Was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chriss