Ep. 88 - Karen and Chris!

I leave in a you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. Do you wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about every scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris when.

Welcome? Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

I'm some I go by Christopher James Fairbanks, but Chris Fairbanks professionally, because there's another Christopher Fairbanks in town, and a Christopher Fairbank in England. Singular yeah one, that's actually what my name used to be. I guess I don't know when Americans added the ass.

Ellis Island, that's where a lot of those mistakes happened.

Yeah, a lot of asses were just thrown around Willy Nilly up there, or they used to be called Willy Nilly's.

Uh you know why what a lot of snakes worked at Ellis Island.

Snakes with lisps.

Lisps, and uh, they would have collars around their neck and a high that's in a little hat.

I love the idea of a worm when it's raining. He's like, well, it's a perfect day for a while, and he's got a little tie and a little hat.

A formal worm.

Yeah, yeah, in a briefcase. I don't know how he carries it, but I just don't have always thought because worms go out when it rains. They love it, and they they almost never go out otherwise.

They are very they're fiercely private people.

Yeah, it's hard to crack a worm.

But here's how you crack them.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, that was weird because that was a bodily that you had no control over.

That that was I guess that was my water going down a second time as I carry took the gulp of it before we started dual tracheas you.

Know what I did today at work?

Are the bathrooms at work are right next to the the women's bathrooms are right next to the writing room. And after I finished what I wanted to do in the bathroom, I wash my hands. People want details, okay, sat down, then pulled my pants down, laughed. Oh, that mistake again. Right as I was about to leave, I was like throwing the paper towel away, and I felt because I just sit there and drink coffee and dit coke all day in that room, I ripped a huge belch like I was like, oh, I have to burp,

Oh? And then but no, we don't. They were ashamed. They had shame in their eyes.

For I mean, I don't know if they would either. We don't all know each other that well. So like I feel like it was you and I, you'd be like, can't we start to do that?

That was a hell of a.

Burp or something.

We'd high five, you know us.

I mean I would run down the line of chairs. But it was that kind of thing where it's like starting a new school that vibe and still coming in and sitting down to a quiet room and then being like, oh, that was top volume.

Did you want to just say, are you guys being quiet because of my burp? Yes, that light in the mood.

I wanted to make a joke about it. I wanted to look at the guy across from me and go, hey, did you hear that? Purport just did? And then I said, nope, I just have to sit with this discomfort.

Well, what what just happened? Sounded like a burp but muffled, like it was happening inside your body, Like there was another you inside you that was like burp and saw the opportunity while your mouth was open. But it came from deep down.

There is another me inside me. She's very shy. She reads and gets her stuff done on time, and I never let her out. That was just a little cry for help of her, going please.

You gotta get her out of there, because if I learned anything from inner space, if she ends up in your heart.

She'll kill me.

Well you'll kill her.

Oh is that right?

Yeah?

Oh she can't live.

Yeah, she can't go past the valve.

There can only be one there was.

Yeah, I think there was some sort of urgency. What a ridiculous eighties movie premise. They shrunk down a little man in a little vehicle and he was going through the ship Martin Short's.

Bloodstream, that's right, and making him have all kinds of weird physical reactions.

Yeah, for some reason, it would make him the reaction was shooting a vacuum at at his mouth. That was what they did for the effects. Is they would shoot a vacuum and Martin Short's mouth and his lips would get all huge. It's like they're just shooting a vacuum out of the vacuum was off screen.

Yes, yeah, like the g force yeah thing.

Yes, but it would just happen while he was at dinner impersonating someone else, and then they're like, oh, he's losing it. Why's he got vacuum mouth?

There was a serious missus doubtfire feel to that movie where he was trying to pretend he was someone he wasn't. Yeah, but he also had Dennis Quaid inside of him.

Yeah, getting him, giving him almost confidence that at times was like a superpower. But then for a while, after he kissed Meg Ryan memory made time with Dennis Quaid's girl. That's right, that's right, through this saliva ended up in her. Oh. But even though the Quaid wasn't in him anymore, he was still kicking ass, beating people up and stuff. And then when it re entered, sorry I left you for a while, He's like, I was doing all that on my own, made him a better person.

That's when his confidence grew and he realized he had it inside him all along. Yeah, and then remember when it ended with that huge.

Burp the best right end the movie.

I remember seeing in her space in the theater, laughing like crazy. And I was at that age where Meg Ryan was like our homecoming queen. She was in every movie and she was the most beautiful woman in the world and loved her everyone. She was like your best friend. She was what everyone wanted to look like. She had a sweater. I wanted to buy it when the movie was over.

We all wanted to have what she's having. We just did she she had it, and then she had some I mean the room. I hate to gossip about Hollywood, but she had some some some surgery mishaps on her face.

Hey, look everyone in her class of women from Hollywood. Like, there's a couple upcoming TV shows we watched trailers for. First of all, you can't fight time, can't not age. Secondly, if you get fillers around your mouth, it's gonna fuck your face up when when inevitably everything you don't get filled falls into crevis around it.

Yeah, then you have these weird solid lip inserts, yes, that are just dangling on their own accord.

And you look like someone beat you in the face with a shovel and you got out of the hospital four days prior and put on some lip gloss.

That's happened a few times. We're out of fear and getting scared about getting older. A few actresses I can think of did have work done, maybe back before they were good at it, and then ended their careers. That's right, Jennifer Gray. Some other people, Jennifer Gray.

I feel like her work was good, but it changed. She made the mistake. No one wanted to see her with a plain old nose. Her great feature was she was a girl who was gorgeous and had that nose right. And she basically said to America, Hey, everybody that looks like me, that was stoked when you saw me in dirty dancing, the fuck yourself.

Did you know my mom got a nose job? No? In Missoula, Montana. No, in the early nineties, not the best market for nosework. And also it was the same thing with my mom. Very pretty, but she didn't like her Barbara streisand nose, she called it.

She thought it was too big.

She didn't like there was like a bomb on it. So some guy took it. I remember her recovering for well over a year. She just had black eyes and light It was like a year. He really didn't do an efficient job.

That's not good.

No, And then afterwards it pretty much looked the same to everyone and no one noticed it. She's like, good, I didn't want anyone. I'm like, yes, of course you did. Why would you? You don't want anyone to notice, but you want it to be different.

How was she in her forties? She was, yeah, it is okay when.

That in a belly button ring? Yeah yeah, sorry, started running no stuff, naval ring, naval ring stuff, half marathons. I thought it was cool. I remember thinking it was cool. Well, it's like, wow, she's gonna grow I'm gonna grow up, and she's gonna let me have tattoos. I thought.

I mean, it's it's her way of saying I'm still in the game, which I respect.

Oh, she was in the game bold, But if we're talking about her, fucking men.

Yeah, the game.

That's why did I walk in on this again? If I didn't ruin the mood, I came to get some homework. Nice, I live here too, Nice penis guy that lived in There's a guy that lived in his van. He had one ear day only I think his name was.

What happened to the other ear?

I don't know. The other year stayed the same? Oh sorry, the missing one for whatever, he lost his ear. What happened to the other year It stayed on his head?

Of course, don't worry about that.

Let's talk more about the missing one sits down taste. I don't know how he lost it. I assume in some sort of a Butte Montana brawl. But I kind of in retrospect. I liked the guy had all these rock shirts and a van with a mural on the side. Oh yeah, and he bought me some bugle boys once he was nice.

Uh google boys are popular pant Oh yeah, I was thinking of bugles.

He bought me a bag of bugles once.

I loved it.

I ate him in his van. He was a good could have been a new stepdad.

What was that was Dale? Her boyfriend for a little while?

Yeah? Yeah, off and on that he'd drive him from Butte Oh, and my friends had come over and look at Dale, and then they'd mock him after Dale was gone, and I was like, shut up, guys, can't help what happened to it.

They'd mocked the ear.

Oh, there's a few things. His hair was something to marvel, a little bit of a spiky flat top on top and there a bit of a mullet and back.

You know what.

He was a partying man.

His name was Dale. That's the only haircut he could have.

Dale.

That's required for Dale's.

Oh, Dale, if you're listening out there, Dale, I ain't mad at you. You're a good man day good man. You turn your life around with AA.

If you're listening Dale. Oh that's right, you have one good air.

Yeahs terrible.

That was awful. I'm talking to a real person.

Maybe or yeah maybe not. Yeah, you're always just half listening Dale. Oh, come on.

My mom when she was in her late forties, early fifties, I'm pretty sure I told you this already got permanent lipliner. Did I tell you this story?

Wow? So she got that's I've never heard. That's like a new thing.

Yeah it was. It was on your lips exactly. And so I think this is the thing is I think we're talking about. They were just going through midlife crises, and it's that thing of like I'm no longer attractive and I don't know what to do about it, or I still want to be. My mom's move was so strange, though, because she was so I mean, she was happily married, and she was very much like a you know, I don't know, my hand's on my hip right now. She's like one of those kind of women.

Missus Garrett. I don't know, you just I don't know.

She was empowered, she was very you know, self possessed, self actualized. So she came home one day with a hot pink line around her lips, and we don't went hot pink, she went, well, I think that was so. I think what happened is her hairdresser convinced her to do it, and maybe her hairdresser got her license to do it, right, and so.

I need to practice on some human lips, that's right.

And it was like, well, what color lipstick? Do you normally wear? A rust color? Okay, then let me get my hot pink. Oh no tattoo line. So it it. None of it made sense, and I think maybe.

You have to cover it with real lipstick the rest of our life.

Yeah, but it ended up fading like within a year. Oh really, But the weirdest part was this, and maybe this was the beginning. Now we were still early, we were not nowhere near the alzheimmer's days. But when my sister and I confronted her on it, which of course we did because we were we are very cruel hearted people, sure, and we can't let one thing go by. Yes, when we in tandem attacked her with what the fuck is

Why did you put sharpie all over your face?

What are you talking about? I would never put sharpie.

I kind of. I watched you do it. You picked up a marker.

I didn't do it.

Huh yeah.

Oh, but but i'm your mom. I'm your mom, and I'm supposed to be totally sane. It was very unnerving.

Let's redo the skit and I'll call your mom instead of character. Okay, good, good, good, Wow. Well it saves time.

Oh, we're not gonna disc it.

Oh, I was turning away to mother.

Yes, wow, How did you know that's how my mother sounded?

Yeah, I've done some research. Why yes, yes, she's the bank the bank manager and from I Love Lucy, missus Ricardo.

It sounded like a dead Night mom.

Mm hmm. Always a big fan of dead Night.

Anyway, why'd you put marker on your mouth?

Mom? Didn't do it?

Still doing the skit.

We go in and we go out. How they do it these days?

It's called Harold.

It's from the school of Sharna Halpern, made popular by ow Close book You Can Get out there called the Truth in Comedy because people don't just say it's funny because it's true. For now a reason. It's because it's true.

It's because it's in this book.

That phrase is true and the reasoning behind it is true. In comedy, that is true is funny. I don't have I noticed that. Working with April this past week, she tells a lot of real stories, and the audience was kind of in that, Oh, we've gotten to know this person, and then when I do stand up, you don't get anywhere near knowing who I am. At all, and it's kind of was I was confronted by it. I'm like, I think that I probably could talk about myself at some point, let people in.

But what if it's not your style?

Yeah? What if it's my Yeah, I've got this style and sometimes I wish I could change it up. But you can't be like, you know, I'm missing part of my penis. I walked in and a dog met, you know, while they've made up things and then all of a sudden, here's a story about me and Denver.

Once right, people would be like pick a lane.

I try. I know, I do make an announcement sometimes where I'm like, this is a real story. No part of it is made up. Everything I've set up till now is made up silly lies, and it seems to work. Okay, so I'm doing fine.

Listen. What I think we're talking about right now is the anxiety that you feel when you are watching the person that goes before you do good, and then you're like, what if I don't do this?

Well?

What are all the things I'm doing wrong? Based on what I'm looking at right now?

That's what I'm thinking when while I'm doing stand up during what if I don't do well. I don't know right now at.

The end of this, and then that's when I forget the end of the joke.

Yeah, yeah, I do that to my sy It's such a head game, or I can make it one. Yes, I wonder how it would feel right now mid set if I couldn't remember one of my jokes and there was a long oh there it's happening. It just happened, and turns out doesn't feel good, thanks brain.

And then suddenly you see that one guy with his arms crossed, and that's all you can see.

That's all I just look. I look in the audience, and I look for all the crossed arms, and I focus on those people, ignoring all the people having in good time.

You know, I just realized all of them. No, there's I'm sure there's plenty.

Of it's a good fraction of people enjoying me.

I'm sort of a large fraction.

But it's hard to see those people when you've got the army, the arms crossers. They take up so much emotional space.

I don't know why I need that crossed arm guy with no sleeves in the hat that references farting to be on my side. I don't know why I need that. I hate Dale. No, not you, Dale, No, it's sorry Dale.

And again, Dale, I'm sorry about the very cheap joke I mean about your missing hair. Yeah, I'm no better than any of Chris's childhood friends. I'm sorry.

Uh. They would go is so and so over and they would just cut their hand over an ear to signify that it's a missing ear. Ah.

Friends, Can I tell you my favorite tweet that's based on or based in what we have been talking about, which is I said I thought my set was going well and then I saw the blonde guy. Does that make sense?

Wait?

Yeah, wait say it again. I feel like I was using my day earlier.

Oh, I thought my set was going well until I saw the blonde guy. It's always a fucking blonde guy that I see that hates me. Oh, it's always and Aaron. I'm sorry, but it's always a blonde guy.

Yeah. With me, it's like usually an older women that go out together for you know.

Then they have some wine and they get mouthy.

Yeah yeah, and they do not like I'm no son of theirs.

There's kind of nothing I hate more as an active intersectional feminist. Wait I'm not sure if intersection is good or I've just heard it online a lot. I'm a very active, proactive feminist, but god damn, you get four women in like Morona sweaters who have had too much wine and think they need to be talking during the comedy show.

I've never hated women more.

I know. And it's such a hard call because they sometimes they're trying to have fun. You have to make sure first that they're not trying to have fun. Yeah, and they're being mean spirited because when they have a lot of wine and they're talking and going, oh, they're talking to a lot. That happens a lot where they're just talking to you like it's conversation. They're having fun and they think it's part of it.

They like it. Yeah, they're having fun. It's not the ones that I can't stand. The ones that I was picturing. I actually enjoy. Here's the thing. If you get someone with a nice as my dad likes to say, a nice heat on, that can be the best because they it's like playing with a kitten. They have no idea what's happening, and they're setting you up perfectly and you

Is happened in San Francisco. Oh that is friend of the owner or something. She's somehow friends with someone.

Who's an expert the club. She's an expert.

I was like, God, you're troublesome. And then she hung out after the show because she knew everyone. It's like, oh good, yeah, good, you didn't you're someone that got in for free.

Uh so, and that you think this is about you, You think this evening should be centered around you, the person who's earned nothing the club sacrifice nothing.

The club in Bloomington didn't allow bachelorette parties.

Nice, Yeah, that's genius.

He said, no, no, no group parties. That's something like at Capsity in Austin. They would. They were like, well, we're doing great tonight. We got three different bachelorette parties. Oh, it's packed in there. It's gonna be great.

It's three at one time.

They're just counting human like, yeah, they don't give a shit. It's just filling a void. Although I did ever tell you this, you have a dueling bachelorette.

No, that's a nightmare. Then you're just like a weird I mean, then you then you might as well be like like a comedian at a sitcom taping. Just throw candy at them.

Oh they wanted to take off your shirt. Yeah, they don't say that anymore. Oh that's okay, that's from one.

That's an old huckle. Yeah, yeah, that's not for modern Chris Well.

I used to look great with my shirt off. Really, No, no, it's always been the same. I always had the exact same tour. So saw some little kid pictures of me and I sitting down, I'm like, I have the exact same body. Nothing got worse, nothing got better.

That's lucky.

Some hairs sprouted up.

Yeah, I guess you've got a couple here and there.

Yeah.

The hip isn't the same.

No, no, no, oh, I wish I had my kid hip.

Oh, all small in the socket. I actually have to say though, One night I was lucky enough at the Washington DC improv I was middling for Margaret Show, and Mike Birbiglia was actually our opener that was from like a hometown, which was crazy. He reminded me of years later, and I was like, that was you so weird? But there was a bachelorette party that was right down in front, but I had the hotel room next to them, so I listened to them in my hotel room from like four o'clock on.

I heard everything they said.

They were out in the hallway, drinking, yelling at one of their moms, doing all this stuff. So I just when I got on stage like they were of course a handful, And then when I got on stage, I just started telling them about themselves and they were freaking out, and I like, weirdly, like fake psychic style shut them down and the lie because you're the girls from room four sixty three, and they were like and like went crazy and you.

Wish you brought the hour dress, but it's okay because you borrowed gladyses. Didn't you actually know that?

And I somehow got a hold of them.

That sounds great. I wish I could eavesdrop on audiences before I performed for them, I know, right, that's kind of what what's his name? Did John? Oh it doesn't. He was like a clairvoont He had a show.

Oh, yes, yes, John, that's right.

Yes, not the politician. I'm sensing someone in here as a dad. I'm seeing a j name of John, a dad. There's the word dad and the word John.

I have a dad named John. It's actually Jim.

But okay, your handwriting was weird on the form that you filled out before.

The wass your whoops. I actually saw a show when I was in Chicago for my terrible short stint in Chicago five years ago. We went to the Second City one night at their like main stage.

Show, Dell Close Sharon Hallipurt's stage. They were the second sitting.

But they were It was a great show with a great cast. It was amazing. I mean, those people earn their spots and the room is huge. I think it's like five hundred people. I mean it's crazy. Okay, So this guy comes out and he's doing I can't remember if he was like a TSA security guard. Uh. He was dressed up as like something and I can't remember

Show and then admits it.

Yes, tells them basically saying, don't be worried about cyber attacks, don't be worried about internet security and your privacy. Keep your mouth shut. How do I know I know where you live? Like he does. It was one of the most brilliant.

Things I've ever seen.

Wow.

Yeah, it was really really funny.

And he was just a standard He was an area improv improv guy.

But like sketch, you know, that's the those main stage shows. This was an all sketch show.

Wow.

It was really awesome.

That is I mean, I want to do that sounds fun yeah right yeah.

Well, and also because when people are in like that setting, they talk so loud.

It drives me crazy. But they talk so loud, and they'll say.

I think if you start talking, they're like, I was just talking about that. Oh you were that guy sitting I guess no one pays attention.

No they don't.

Well that's amazing. Yeah, speaking of him, I started in short form improv your freeze tag. You're let's get a occupation and a location, you know, Montana meteorologist, playboy mansion.

What and you can't combine those two?

What would happen? One time? I got a gay Irish weather man.

What happened?

Give us nailed it and nailed it?

Give us a slice?

Oh no, here, I have some yellow clouds. I don't know. I just did something like that, ha ha okay, but someone yelled at so I had to do it. It's like I don't want to, you know, I think I know who yelled at Colin Malloy. He's the lead singer of the December Well Well well yoused to live in town. You know. I do a little name dropping here and there. You know I do that on the podcast.

Do you like to do that?

Because you do? You say you don't want to do Hollywood gossip, but we always end up doing it.

I name drop at the drop of a hat. I drop a name. I mean, if I drop a hat, I put a name in the hat like you're gonna pick it out, and then I drop the hat. You just throw that thing on the floor, pull the name out. But the woman that started the improv group, she's a woman now. Back then, I guess we could call her a girl. I was a boy. But we started this improv group in Missoula. Yeah, in different bars. We would do shows every week and made money. I made a living doing it.

That's amazing.

It's more consistent than now, I bet. But she lives in Cape Town, South Africa now and teaches improv and they're doing an improv festival and she asked me to go. But I but to South Africa, would my flight get covered, but they can't cover the flight, so I don't know by it. It would be interesting to go.

It would cost you like three grand or something, wouldn't it.

I looked today it was about a thousand.

That's too much money.

Yeah, I don't know if I can afford to do that. And I told her I don't really do improv anymore.

And that's where Chappy is, So you don't want to get involved in.

I don't know what are they called dust du that they that Chappy movie? I had okay hopes for it. I like the other thing they made me.

Too, with nine.

Yeah, it was great.

That's amazing.

These guys. They made this underbudget movie because they're they're they're both like special effects wizards.

Yeah.

And then they acted in it and they just made it themselves, I guess in front of a green screen. But that second movie Chappy with that, who's that group? They look like skinhead Diant award diant word no no to their acting.

Do you know that they I didn't see Chappie, but I like to reference it because you know, it's a funny word.

It was difficult to watch rough stuff times, yes, just the comedy of it. And they're act and Diane Forward.

Yeah, Diane Ward was on Letterman one night, an episode I was watching and when they were done singing their very heavy like edium kind of like scary, weird techno song. Yeah, the audience.

Burst out laughing, oh wow, like.

Because it was likely like you oh, like the chorus was her talking like a tiny elf. And when when it finally was like, the audience.

Was like, and what did they do?

They just they just kind of stood there and then there was like, you know, this mattery of applause.

It was it made me laugh so hard.

Wow. I yeah, I don't get that. I think I saw a video and I thought that maybe they were just doing characters or unknown poor trashy folks, and I'm like, well, I can I like them, yes, on YouTube or something. But the fact that they became celebrities.

I mean I didn't.

I think Hollywood always, if you are a woman who's like five feet tall and looks like you could right now without any special effects makeup, play an elf, Hollywood is going to rally around you in every way they possibly can.

We're looking for a dark crystal type.

Yeah, always with that's willing to.

Do nude just kind of a short naked labyrinth.

Girl with no irises or pupils separate. Like maybe just one big color would be great.

Yeah, just black corneas and short bangs, and kind of like a female David Bowie.

Yeah, kind of like flared nostrils, permanently flared nostrils would be good.

And of course big rabbit teeth.

Oh god, gotta have those nice carrot trumpers.

The two long front ones. I think that's really that's really where I all down in the beauty department is I have these very shortened Irish teeth, and if these two front ones are just like just a half an inch longer.

Do people want long front too front teeth?

Yeah?

What is long in the tooth? Me in that phrase old? Yes, but what is it there?

It's got to be a reason, because your teeth grow as you grow old. It's like your teeth are growing out of your head. So it's like saying you your teeth have come out as far as they possibly can.

My teeth continue to grow like my ears.

Well no, no, I mean they're like so your baby teeth when they go there's a tooth waiting up there and it slowly comes out and it's like as if and maybe this was like old wives tail style. Sure, as if there's a whole bunch of tooth and it just comes out like that. It maybe was the thought behind it.

It's kind of a horrifying thought that I don't enjoy.

Want to hear another one.

Yeah, babies, oh God, have all these teeth stacked up behind like almost like a plate. And that that's why it's very hard actually, I mean, obviously babies are very.

Fragile, multiple teeth like a shark.

Yes, so their baby teeth come out and then your little teeth and whatever. But they have like these. You have to see a picture of it. Someone showed me. It's not like ten or whatever. But it's like their teeth are stacked up in their face so that if anything hits them in the face, it won't hurt them, like it won't get to the brain. Wow, isn't that crazy?

So does that mean these other like if their baby tooth falls out, there is there a second baby tooth? Sometimes? Is that a thing that's happened.

I don't think so.

I someone you have to see the picture of it, because maybe they stack in a way where like these ones are up here, but then they go back there. I'm not sure.

They just turn to your skull.

It's I might be lying.

No, I think I think you're right. I think I've seen in like a in a health illustration, multiple stacked up teeth, and then I close the book and look away because that class because it makes me horrified.

Yes, wait, let me see uh.

Baby teeth, baby teeth stacking stocking.

No, this is gonna bring me to a terrifying itsyage.

You're gonna go it's just gonna be a scene from uh human centipede.

Stacked in face.

Oh no, you're gonna the worst thing ever is gonna pop up. Baby baby fell off a bike. You're gonna see a horrible image.

It's gonna be like a tooth coming out the side of a chain.

If you if that's what you pull up, don't show it to me. I'll do show it to me.

Oh it's I don't know any wi fi.

I feel like that's happened before. I think that there's been in stories about a baby losing a baby tooth and getting a second baby tooth, not the permanent one, but just another baby tooth. Yeah, if it's early.

Enough, I guess overall, the idea is that babies are engineered to be self protected basically, so they have like, uh, you know, oh there's all things comedy. What am I doing this for?

He gives a fuck.

Somebody looking up at home? Well, then that's what's that soft spot on the head that can't be for their own good? Well vulnerable.

Maybe it is for their own good because if their head gets hit and the brain swells, there's a place for it to go.

Oh wow, right back down and then eventually I think that's called a palette or something that seals up.

Maybe.

Oh, it's amazing this baby business.

I held a baby at work the other day, make you feel I don't.

Want It's not like sad.

I just really babies are pretty cool.

They're pretty cool.

And my boss's baby is she's a second girl, So she's the chillest baby of all time because all she's doing is trying to see where her sister is and what's going.

On with chill mellow babies.

Yeah, and she's just having a good time. And when you look at her, her eyes go kind of wide and she'll like wave at you. It's very cute, but she you know, Stephanie Askehita.

Sure, of course it's her baby.

She is married to my boss.

Oh I've slept on their couch.

Yeah yeah, yeah, Goldie, he's the best.

Yeah yeah.

So this is their baby, this is their second daughter, and she is like you put her right there, and it's like it makes me feel like I've had nine babies of my own. Like she's one of those kind of babies doing she's doing her part because normally babies earl weird and make me feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

Wear me.

Babies and they love the rain.

I know, and it's you know, a lot of times you don't want a baby on an airplane, But when a baby just grabs your finger, I'm like, their whole hand goes around your finger. That's pretty cool. I'd like a baby just for a little while.

Yeah.

Can I just have them for a few after a baby, that's what it's called. I thought I was making up a job. Can I just watch it just for an afternoon? And I just want to hang out with a baby. I wish there's something for like ten dollars an hour. Yeah, I know, I'm I'm just blurting things that don't exist and I'd like to sit while doing it.

My thing is that I get bored.

I still want to do what I want to do, so like there'll be like some really quality time like this is how I used to hang out with my niece Nora, where we'd be like playing a great game. We play Sorry seven times in a row, and I'd be like, I don't I need to look at my.

Phone and you just get up and leave the building.

I'm gonna go to Starbucks for a while.

You're cool on that blanket, right? You just do you want? Do you need to be outside? You want dig and stuff?

What do you want to do?

Okay, get out there, buddy.

It's my dog. It's used once, but here's a bone.

There's still some marrow in there for you.

Get get at it. Baby. Yeah, I like. I like, I'm more interested in having a baby than at this point being a married person. Isn't that backwards? It is? What if that's a sitcom?

What are you?

I adopt a baby as a single dad? Stock broker? I don't there? What do you say You're going to be the stock broke? It's like I'm pitching sure, I'm a busy dad and I'm Okay, what if it's a baby I see is being abused and I kidnapped. I kidnapped to raise No, it's a comedy and the funny kid, and I'm funny in it.

We can't have kidnapping, kidnap abuse.

It's I'm getting the kid away from the bad parent. So everyone's on my side. Technically it's scheduled.

They don't even want to go to that sid eye bond.

I pay for his college. Then when he's when he's twenty one, I bring him back to his original parents and say, look at it, what a good job I did. And he's wearing a suit and he's like, hello mother, Hello father. I'm ready to be in your lives again. Goodbye second Dad, and we shake hands. I'm gone.

And this series is called Goodbye Second Dad. Yes, because it starts at that moment where you then have the life, having already raised it.

That's where the show starts. Everything is in flashbacks. The show starts with goodbye second Dad. What could that possibly mean? Well, let me tell you. Blurred edges. We go back. I'm on a bus, lady, child's getting slept in the face. I'm like, this ain't here, baby, I got to do.

Something about this. Here's the thing. I like all of it, except you don't strike me as a stockbroker. I feel like those people are very intense type A. I'm an art serious.

I'm a welder artist.

You're a welder that I like.

Ten thousand dollars a month apartment, but I'm a struggling welder art welder artist, Yes, sculptor.

Great some of your arts in the apartment.

He's wearing overalls. The baby has a great time. Yes, like you can do whatever you want. This guy lives like a kid.

Who else is in this world? Do you have a mailman that you're friends with.

There's a door guy, a door guy who sometimes baby sits.

But you kidnapped this baby to be with it. Why why do you need a baby art show?

I have museum shows. I have things to do, dates and dating.

Oh nighttime, yeah, night the doorman.

But the door man, so he gets off work and then starts babysitting, has two jobs.

Yeah, but he loves it.

He likes the kid too, but you pay him.

The door guy ends up being its third dad.

The door guy takes the baby away from you because you all you do is party.

Yeah, the door guys tries to find the original parents. Yeah, and then he falls in love with the kid he starts raising him.

Yes, Yeah, and it's this show is called Hello Third Dad, My three Dads. We're gonna include the abusive first at.

Three Dads and a baby Tarnetree. It's already a thing, all the baby.

The ideas are taking and bug.

Good listen. I was very surly at the beginning of this podcast.

I'm sorry before it started. Well, I think that I was being.

I felt guilty because we were supposed to have Matt McCarthy on and I forgot to tell him what time it was, and he's such a good guest, and I felt terrible.

And it's okay.

I don't when I don't eat, I don't. The last time I ate was twelve thirty. This is a really long it's a wide window and I've realized it. All my emotional problems start around around seven fifteen.

Karen, I'm the same way I've been. I get grumpy when I don't eat.

It's not good.

It's been a thing in my life.

Yeah, mean mine too.

And now I got I mean not to talk shop, but that's hip. I'm like, I find him short with people because my dies your hip And.

Do you ever take like advilla or anything for that hip?

Yeah? Yeah, every day. Oh okay, yeah, but it's getting to the point where advilt just one cut it.

Yeah.

So I don't want to become one of these people that gets into rush limba drugs. That's a downward spiry.

I do want to become one of those people give me pills that no one can tell what I'm doing.

Yeah, no, I'm off.

I'll get it fixed and then I'll be less grumpy.

Well yeah, I don't know what my solution is, but when you get it fixed, you're going to get to be on rush limbo pills. You're justified.

I had the limbo pill with an oxy cootone. I had some of that when I got my tonsils out. I did not like how they don't make you They don't get rid of pain necessarily because they'll sit there and I'm like, I'm still in pain. They make you not care, which is a weird.

I don't like, very strange.

Yeah, it's kind of like drug drugs like heroin nursome. I don't like the narcotic feel of it's not killing the pain, it's making you be in a state of mime where you don't really care about anything, and that I don't like losing control that way. I remember taking this stuff. It made me feel a little better, but I was restless and almost panicked because I'm like, why I don't I'm not in reality, I don't like it. Yeah, but that's what booze does. And I think booze is pretty sweet.

But booze slips you in nice and you care. You maybe even care too much, but like when you're in booze, you're still connected to your self and your feelings. Yeah, yeah, because that might makes me think the first time I took xanax, and I have you taken xanax, it's the same thing, or all of a sudden I didn't care about anything at all, and it was the fucking weirdest.

Yeah, you will be under a bridge so quickly.

Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I don't like that. I think it scares me. I don't like how it makes me feel well.

And also we're supposed to have motions, like we're supposed to have feelings. Yeah it's good. Yeah, it's good for you. It's what human beings are like. Yep, I just when my blucher gets low, I can't really bitchy.

That's how I'm the same way, man, I really am okay, specifically with the hunger thing. Yes, I like I have to eat that like That's how I always put My dad said when I was a baby, I just want I ate so much, and I would be I'd furiously just grab it food and shove it in my mouth, and then I was happy. That's always how I've been.

I think that's always, never.

Ever eating problem or anything. I think I as a kid, I've always eaten like someone's gonna take it away at any minute. I have my arm curled around the plate and I'm hunched over and I mumble when my brow is furrowed. It's very hard to eat the date on a date. That's a bad idea to eat with me. I just look like to get a angry cave man.

You don't become self conscious and like straighten up. And I was just thinking about the first date that I went on after my divorce was such a goddamn mistake.

Spaghetti I got.

I ordered two plates of spaghetti. Now, I was so nervous and self conscious and I had no I was not ready and anyway, but somebody asked me who I really liked, and so I was like, I have to do this, I have to start doing this again. It was I was out of my mind. I was laughing about it driving to work this morning. Yeah, because there's a shirt. At the time, I'd grown out of it. I'd gained so much weight that I'd grown out of it.

I was so that eating shirt. I haven't eating shirt.

No, I do too, but no, it was it had been my cute shirt and I couldn't. It was. I was in denial of the fact that it was no longer my cue shirt. And it had horizontal stripes, which was bad, Like that's that's for skinny girls. Yeah, so I was on the state and it was like anything this guy said.

I was like, I don't like that.

Every single thing was like my cute Like I thought it was kind of interesting and cute was to just negate and like kind of make a face and everything. And I was just like thinking about that this morning, like I wonder if I should send that person a card? Oh, like you really tried and that was what must have that have been? Like like what a goddamn monster.

Like being It's like it was like bad improv.

Yeah, like I'm as the improv partner and I'm just have my arms crossing and that's not where we're gonna have our occupation.

Good to see you, officer. I'm not a cop.

No, oh, get away from my car. We're in a theater. Oh, it's so awful. The best I'm not sure why don't do that story? Oh, I guess it's just.

The well who wears vertical stripes? Basketball officials? Yes, that's why they always look so good.

Yeah, they're all slim people at the foot locker own.

Who else that's it? I mean the same shirt. There is no one else that wears vertical stripes.

Soccer players like fans of soccer.

I suppose rugby and soccer. Sure that's it.

Yeah, that's definitely.

Popcorn man, candy man, that's right, the candy man. They can wear verticals. The candy man can wear verd of stripes. Who can wear some straight stripes?

Sprinkle them with goose?

Is that meat up with them in my van? Is room enough for two? The candy man.

Tan molest you?

Oh no, why?

I just like his shirt?

Why are we leaving to the outskirts of town?

Both hands out the window.

Sure, I like that.

Do you know what you're gonna do for our business class to night?

Oh?

What? Probably just do my jokes? No, I know some quick one hitters. Oh what do you don't mean?

I think I was a serious blood triggersh I do I do that to people? I mean, do you know which jokes and then the order?

Oh?

No, I never know.

I can't do the same jokes I've been doing. I'm so sick of my material.

I get sick of it when I haven't done it for a while. But if I'm like times I've worked two weeks in a row saying the same, it's kind of fine. Ways to make it fun, Yeah, I guess that's the key. Yeah, you have to. I remember when I first started doing stand up. I'm like, oh, I'm never gonna repeat myself. I can't believe these comics. I heard that guy say that last week. I didn't get it yet. Yeah, So I just would talk and make

I go, it's so late now for us.

To, I know, to change the way I do things.

Yeah, and just a whole career change.

It'd be nice to have a nice coach. Like Jokes told verbatim, they work every time they're in an order that tells a story. But I don't do that well.

And also because that has nothing to do with you. That's not your style.

Style.

You grab you grab at food.

I watched it, and I don't at times I don't in my meetings with him. I haven't really enjoyed David Krass the person, but I've watched his new special and it was so it was mostly about gun control, and it was really good. It's like, man, he's.

A great writer.

He's real good.

He's a great writer.

He's a great He had some silly jokes in there.

He that's the thing. He knows exactly the balance because he had this joke. But I mean I saw him probably six years ago more. He did his set at Largo one night and he goes, he was talking about how when the economy collapsed, so was two thousand and seven or eight, Yeah, and he was like, there are millionaires that find out they lost everything and they kill themselves.

Yeah, because and he's like, why.

Would you do that? Like, like you just can't imagine a life of not being a millionaire or a billionaire man.

He was like, billionaires are killing themselves.

And he goes, he just hold the pretends to hold up a square and then goes, this isn't very good, butter and I honestly been laughing about that joke for like six years straight.

Great joke, it's so good.

Yeah, he made me. I laughed hard, and the audience it was nerd. They showed people leaving there was because he was talking to blue Lives, murder and stuff. He said a bunch of oh shit, yeah he was. I mean, he was saying crazy stuff that had scared me so much to think about saying. So I was like, wow, that's I think that. Watching that made me think more about my meaningless jokes.

Yeah, but you don't.

I do take a stance with circumcision. No one wants I do during my act. I'm like, that's I don't think it's good.

I know you really fight it. You must rail it.

I'm not even a baby maker.

That's right.

It's the concept you don't like.

Yeah, I don't like it. You don't come my doctor signed my circumcision. There's a perfect ass. Is that typewriter? I don't know there is an ass? There's an ass. I don't know if he signed it.

Like Zoro, doctor Steve, that asshole.

Tiny little brand ow.

That's the doctor's voice, not the baby's voice.

You baby dot.

You can The one doctor that shouldn't be doing circumcision is a baby doctor.

You could barely hold that rattle. Don't give him a scalpel. Here we go, Yeah.

Don't bring it over here. Your comedy doesn't compare to anybody else's. You can't compare yourself because you are so different than almost every comedian.

Well, well, thanks, it's true.

I'm sorry, I guess it is.

No, it's the best.

Are you kidding me? There's people go to any open mic. Every single schlove that's standing up there is exactly like the one that got on before. You have you have created an act that is you, but it is also presentational comedy performance.

But sometimes there thank you. There's also a tone in it is that I'm ill prepared or lacking confidence, which in front of on the road or something, it doesn't work. They see that and they're like, oh, he doesn't even he can't even pronounce some of these words.

I know.

I hate that so much.

It's like, no, it's my things, my YouTube comments on my con inerts, like this guy messed up four times and then he did on purpose. Idiots, you're an idiot, and then it goes racial and then I stop reading.

Never read.

I was like commenting back on some of them. No, it's like, oh thanks a lot, guys, Oh sorry, dude, Like some of them would apologize and my job well done. That was a good three hours two in the morning spent.

That's permanently seared into your brain.

Got to have the approval of strangers. It's so strange.

But the place to get it is not the YouTube comments. No, it is.

Not maybe a family meal with my family. There's people that I should want their approval.

Ask your family to bring strangers to the next family meal. That's how you're going to bridge that distance. Also tonight where we're going to have a show and I don't care how many people show up, but I mean it doesn't And if they show up and there's a guy who work with Amos who's great, and he came to our last one and is it famous? Yes, tiny cookies, he's gonna say. And he told me, he's like, we're

They were so quiet, weird. Yeah, I wonder what because they're coming again? Is that why you don't want to do your jokes? If one person I don't think I did a set last time. There's times where you have two shows and someone sticks around one person and I'll try to do a whole new act just because of that one person, and it's not nearly as good because I did my good jokes. I was like, well, I don't want that person to hear anything they've heard before, so let me tabotage the whole concert.

It's funny. I think that's left over nineties like mentality because I had the same thing we're repeating. I would write the worst shit in the world, but it was just because I couldn't repeat it.

Was like, and it's fun to say new stuff.

Im mortal sin it is, and it's fun to make up this and said that you have to say new stuff or you will be the worst.

Right, that's a.

Good mentality, I think for a comedian. Yeah, because when I am in my I don't care, and I'll do the same thing over and over. It is deadly.

I hate it.

I can tell other people don't like it. There's no reason for me to be doing it.

Because of the way you're doing it. I can tell you she's not having fun.

Yeah, not having fun. You're not connected, you're not actually trying to express anything like they can smell that, even if they don't know exactly what I am you.

I don't hate you, the audience. I hate my words, and I'm saying them again. Don't get me wrong. This isn't about you.

Stop holding up that mirror and maybe I'll stop attacking you, is what I like to say. I actually did a set.

Though, Oh the mirrors of you.

That's right.

I have to look at my own they're just holding it up.

Uh. The Walsh.

Matt and Chris, Chris, Chris and the Walsh brothers. Yes, Chris.

And then it's Chris's show. Yes, Matt Walsh is the actor that's on Yes, Yes, who is amazing and I love Yes.

But it was Chris's show.

At the Steve Alln Theater and I had all my jokes on a notebook and then I just it was like, there weren't that many people there, and I was just like, what is the point of you even doing comedy If you're just going to read these same jokes off? What is the point? So then I didn't look at my book at all and I was just rambling. And at the end, even though it did feel kind of embarrassing and I didn't kill like I always have to or whatever, but at the end, I was like, I'm glad that's what I did.

Instead of doing well with.

Things that are like that's just like ringing the same bell over and over or something.

I don't know, sometimes it's fun to just take them and have it be topic bag. I'm going to have all I'm going to do all my jokes about food or whatever. Pull a real gap again. David Walsh.

That's his brother David.

Yeah, he left town. So this waltsh brothers And now there's just Chris.

David like went with his family. Yeah, took that he had a baby, didn't.

He had a baby, took the baby with him. He didn't leave it with someone like me who was an eligible part time.

Dad, just a welder looking for a baby, just.

Looking for inspiration. Everything about coming.

Up your sitcom is suspicious and seems legally dangerous.

You're being a TV executive right now.

No, I would say, right now, I'm being a concerned Midwestern mother. Okay, this feels dangerous.

I'd say, well, it's just it's riding that line. You know. Is kidnapping always bad? Right, here's an example of it being a good thing for a kid. And get closer.

Is child abuse always upsetting?

Or could we use left on my porch by gypsies?

There we go be happy, but then we leave the gypsies in right because they're hot right now? Have you seen my big fat gypsy.

Wedding diante word, Yeah, gypsies, they're the whole new thing.

Are they gypsies?

Is there a big fat gypsy wedding? Yeah, there is a show where I saw where they were, Like it was surprising. I didn't know. And gypsy is a derogatory where you're not supposed to say that, right, It's like calling someone an eskimo?

Is that bad?

The traveling group? It's a gypsy? I think gypsy. I think it's like a bad word. No, it is.

They'd like to know in the name of this TV show.

Well, they probably got got named by an executive, some racest. But it's so funny that it's they get married early. They're always tanning and stuff. Yes, in that big.

Big earrings, big necklaces. They all look.

All stolen, they don't. They steal everything?

Yeah, Well, like these ones live in like Alabama or whatever. They have a house and kids and big s u.

Money, bad money. Didn't they have the collection of money?

They have gorgeous barbecues they always having stolen. They've stolen the money and the barbecuer. We're going to get strangled by gypsies.

Gypsies are coming, and the jingling and jangling of their tooth necklace. I can hear you come and gypsy.

You're thinking of you're thinking of a witch doctor.

Oh I saw the witch doctor and this is what he said.

What did he say? Yes?

Oh, well a lot of ingang Uh yeah, I guess I'm confusing gypsy a voodoo. I'm thinking of voodoo. No, this whole time, I've been thinking about these voodoo voodoo tribes. Well, they have the teeth necklace, and that is true. They don't have the ear rings though, and they ain't getting.

Married why not?

Yeah, that's they're always playing with dolls, voodoo dolls. You know what I'm saying.

I'm just trying to leave you in some silence for a while.

Yeah. Yeah, wow, looks like we're coming up on the hour?

Are we really?

Yeah?

I'm fast, We're life fucking we are talking machines.

Yeah, we really are. Yeah, And we sure do enjoy ourselves.

And if there are lulls, hey, you know what. You know what I've found out from half a dozen people on Twitter, they enjoy us too.

They enjoy the lulls, the joys.

That's that's the key.

A lot of people love all lulls, but pregnant pauses it's the key to it. Like tig Todd Berry, this podcast where we promise pauses, yeah, you and they're funny. I used to talk a mile a minute. I thought you had to fill every moment with words. I bet and I watched Tig and I'm like, wow, she uses silence and gets uh during jokes and it gets it was It was important for me to discover.

Well, yeah, it's a sign of confidence.

It's timing. It's timing means you can be slow too. I think I always thought timing was like you gotta fill all the time.

With words and really ding the last word elbow out.

That's why I do. I go and then I wink and I do to kind of get a little of this guy thumbed to the side always yeah, there's no one there.

It's just the invisible guy on stage with you, my idea guy, this guy over here. Am I right?

Oh that's fun though.

What's our parting thought? Be well, you miss the car.

Sometimes I missed the idea of what we had in the beginning. I went to the airport and I was just talking to the uber driver and he said, it's so interesting here to watch all these people coming and going. You don't know where they're going, what their story is, and I'm like, I had a podcast where I told him about He's like, I thought about doing that?

Oh did he?

Yeah? He was like he probably is. Now I'm like, do it. Go ahead and do it also. But it was horrible to be at the airport. It always was. It brought me, you know, I wasn't comedically filled with grief. It was hard to work straight. Neither of us look forward to it.

It sucks.

Someone was going to die.

It sucked, but it was The concept was it was a fun thing to act out.

Yeah.

Uh.

And it kept topics rolling by us, so like.

Literal or we were rolling by the welling.

Uh.

But I don't know.

There's something about a studio like us doing it in the studio that I enjoy equally in a different way.

And I think that the subject matter is better and we feel professionally feel like, you know, I'm following it. My dad was a DJ. You know that's right, radio guy?

Yeah, yeah, you inherited this.

This feels professional. Yeah, this is what's all unprofessional? Being in an eight han accord almost killing people not professional? To kill your guests?

Wait, is yours is an No eight too?

I haven't no, Wait, I mean I'm just on the heels of saying we're professionals. Karen Burp's into the mic.

I just thought it would be a nice bookend.

I mean, what is this, Howard Stern? Yeah, you just decide that from then on, this is what we're gonna down, Howard Stern. Now, thank you for listening to Howard Stern's comedy Hour.

I can't do it again. I don't want to force it.

Oh okay, yeah, really that was your opportunity. Fine, we're still do you need one?

Yeah, we can't be Howard Sterne. If I can't burp twice in a row, that's.

That's the key of good broadcast. That I have nothing to plug.

Uh, I don't think I have anything to plug either.

I have shows. By the time this arison'll be done.

What are we gonna put this up next week?

Sure?

While you're gone?

Sure?

Yeah, that's good.

I like that.

I guess what would I plug? I guess I'm gonna plug positivity.

I like it.

Okay, I like it. I'm gonna try it, I guess, And I'm.

Gonna plug productivity. WHOA positivity and productivity? In twenty seventeen.

They meet together in two hands, shaking each other in a rainbow of success.

I'd like, we already have a logo.

Ding ding ding. If you're an artist and you not you Chris, but because you're busy. But if you're an artist and you hear those words and you see a vision, let's see it.

Yeah, positivity and productivity twenty seventeen.

Dang.

Do you'd like how I'm writing off the rest of this? Goddamn you?

It's August.

Bring it on, Bring it on. Twenty seventeen. Twenty sixteen, suck. No, it was good good year for me.

It was pretty good. I mean, you know what I realized in twenty sixteen. Things can be terribly bad, but they're still never as bad as I think they are.

Yeah, what it's No, it's always worse around the corner. What you're saying?

No that I A, I have a I'm a catastrophic thing.

Yeah, me too.

So one thing goes bad and it's just like, well, I'm going to get arrested. That's what I think about everything.

Oh, you're just hungry, you've been listening. Do you need a ride? D y n A?

Are are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turning on and gage.

We want to send you off in soil.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine.

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

Mh