Ep. 87 - Karen Kilgariff and Chris Fairbanks

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to.

Be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it? We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride.

With Karen and Chris? Do you want to do more vocal exercise?

Yes?

Toy bit, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

Elastic sucks.

No, that's not The weather in May is better than in April. I'm done. I'm just saying facts. Oh that's how you're copying.

Is that your new recording voice?

Well, I like rain. Yes, I'm enunciating. You know how I used to mumble a lot. Yes, But while I was in Bloomington, Indiana, I've decided that I would start enunciating since I'm a professional broadcast person.

Are you going to be like a diction based comedian from now on?

Cadence space see Caden space?

And how will this affect your material.

I believe it will make it more clear to understand and more relatable to the audiences. To peer before me that I peer before fuck that you peer into deep, but I peer into the souls of that. You peer into the eyes of and seen nothing. Welcome to Do you need a ride?

Hello?

This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen Coil Gareth.

I uh yeah, I went to one of the beautiful Bloomington's our country has to offer. There's three of them, each one roughly eighty thousand people, each one claiming to be a city of trees.

And maybe not not so much.

I mean, two of them are indigenous in Indiana, which means there are not so much subsidy of trees as you are the city of lies. You can't plant a bunch of trees and then claim your tree town, can I really?

Quicks? I?

Can I guess Cutters? What Cutters? Cutters? I mentioned that movie and they didn't.

They were like, huh no, oh, the young people these days, they live in Bloomington, and then they don't know the movie Breaking Away and that I was.

I think they just didn't know what Cutters meant, or maybe they're offended because I was calling them.

Maybe that's actually like a real insult.

What if it is? Oh, I just didn't do my research.

You got to pull out some of those I'm sorry cards and start sending them away.

You know I had them printed.

With your little face at the top.

Sorry, Sorry, hey, sorry, turn over? Sorry again? Isn't this fun?

I really mean it this time. I love that movie Breaking Away. If you haven't seen Breaking Away, it is worth your time. And but can I guess the three states? Bloomington's are in.

So inspirational that movie? Yes, I bet you'll get one of them. I knew one of them. Well, I do know Indiana, right, Okay, the other one, I'll give you a hint to the mall of America? Is there? Mitch St. Paul is bisera as a boy in Saint Paul, Missouri, A papa and I you would just to go out on as a propeller, bow down on the Bayou.

I feel like I've told you this already, But I changed schools between fifth and sixth grade, and at my old school we hadn't done.

The states yet.

You had just the new school they had already done them.

So that concludes our conversation about Minnesota. Oh, but I have a question owned the New Girl.

When I was a high school senior, I thought that New England was a state, and my friend Lisa Lanyon's mom was so mad at me that she planned an entire trip because she was from Boston. She planned an entire summer trip for her daughter and I to go on too, so that I would learn about New England because I knew nothing about it.

Wow, that's well, I can see you thinking that because of the you're a big football person, the Patriots, you might as well assume New England Patriots. What other football teams are named after areas, areas, or concepts? I feel like none, none, none, yeah, yeah, So go Patriots.

And then of course Bloomington Main Yes.

And who can forget Bloomington Spaja, California SPA, the Spaha area. Yes, get a get a Latin rub down at the SPA Spa, Bloomington Spa. What is your.

Opinion feeling about getting massages from men.

Opinion slash feeling. Yeah, I'm actually extremely comfortable with that concept. In fact, I think that I'm more comfortable if it were let's say I need one of my groin rubdowns one of Yeah, one of my monthly growin rubdowns. I would rather it be a man because I have a feeling, although I guess i'd be confronted even more so. It's something, you know, it's just all my life's a little different, but I have a feeling I would not You know, everyone has the fear of when you see a doctor

Simply not true. I think that's really weird that you can that for a lot of men. That's just kind of like an end of massage bonus. If they want.

You hear that more often than I think it is.

You think it's more of a rumor, Yeah, I think it is. I'd like to think so that Jack shacks are just gossip.

Well, I mean in town, I think there are just cheap places. But in Texas it was hilarious that late at night there was roadside usually a mobile home modified that provided massage, sometimes deep tissue, along with the highly related lingerie model. Let's say you pull a groin trying

In a mobile home on the side of the road.

Right next to three churches. No, Texas, you know you do it, Texas, you got it all you go. You're lack your own funny country Texas man. You don't just melt cheese on everything and make it better.

No, there's much more.

Yeah, you bring titties to church, Oh Texas.

How many bruises are the minimum of those lingerie models and those mobile homes? Do you think?

Are we just talking legs? Yes, it's hard to be a working single mama.

I know it, well, you don't tell me, damn.

Up your pants. And it's just like bruises, bruises, a xylophone of bruises.

All I can picture in my head is a thigh with a dark purple bruise. But then it's also kind of pale, where it's like, oh, that shouldn't be out, but it's out on display.

That you don't have enough iron in your diet.

That's right, that maybe you drink too much mountain dew.

I just started, Yes, you have your blood is it's a percentage of dew.

Yeah, you're literally doing that.

You're doing it to your heart. Yeah. I didn't used to bruise. I was like, I'm a man, I don't bruise and hard now I bruise. Yeah, it's really it's a weird point in your life where you'll just bump your side of your arm on your dresser and then there's just a big purple.

Speaking of which, sorry to Terrow.

Can we take a spider check? I'm yeah, my spider bite's doing okay. It looks great. It just looks like a patch of dry skin.

I see nothing from over here, especially compared to I mean it was over two weeks ago.

Yeah, it was. Did I tell you that someone saw it and said, that's an allergic reaction. You have to jam this EPI pen in your leg really, which is like the scene from pulp fiction. It's it's uh, there's what is in it that made me feel like I was on cocaine? A fedron fed I think that was in it. And uh, I think I just I wanted to.

See an or something like that.

Yeah, maybe that's why the yeah, it's an up would it would have taken me all day and a stack of paper still have come to that conclusion. But I I want to just see if I could do it to myself. So, and she was like, it's not They were lawyers, and so they if it was bad, I think they would have thought we shouldn't have them do this. We're successful lawyers. This is a bad idea. Yes, they will be liable. Yeah, And it was kind of itching, and I had bites from being on the river, so

It could have been a different kind of bite.

Yeah, or just a weird reaction to something. It was a it was a crazy looking Yeah. It had that circle. It's still the remains. Oh, I see the circle.

I see it tiny. It looked it looks like a bruise now.

And the minute I stabbed my leg with this thing. This was my friend's friend. They had this nice missed out for firelike apartment in San Francisco that had to be. There were two lawyers.

They're doing fine, but don't worry about them.

I won't. I'm not a moment. They're doing okay. They had two cats called Maine coons the State of Man, and they were one of them was huge, the other one was fairly normal size. But they were beautiful cats with like giant I like cats, you know, I even like every cat I've ever had. I found in trash can stuck it on some fishbones. But these cats, these were like breeded. You know. They were embarrassed to say, but they want this. The husband was not a cat person,

And apparently mad cats are most like dogs.

These cats could shake, they'd go shake, they'd pulled up their paw. She would say, rolled over, and they hesitantly when you looked away, like cats. Then they would be like, okay, I'll roll over now that you aren't telling me to. And she would run around the apartment and this giant cat like would chase her, and when she'd stop, he'd get down low. I've never seen a cat chase a person, Yeah, like intensely. And so I'm on, I'm all hyped up on my pulp fiction stuff. And they could tell I'm

Will you show me how big with your hands?

I'm not kidding that on one of them. The other one that big. But they were huge and they had like lynx ears, like tufts of black hair. They were amazing and they're.

Pictures, but I've never I don't think I've seen one of them.

Oh yeah, Google, I went down a lit just a man coon wearing all wormhole on the old enunciate Enunciate broadcast Journalism eight one eight till I die. Uh pictures online of just cats that were it looked photoshoped like people are going and they're like their faces are red and they're just slumped over. They're as big as dogs. They're they're huge. Yeah, they're so neat. But these people like paid thousands of dollars for them.

You know.

Normally that would make me mad because there's so many just lame o cats in the But Maine coon cats I think are working.

Yeah. I guess if you just kept going and overlooking all these other needy cats, you could eventually find one. Well it's like you're skew it.

But it's like you're saying, I kind of want a bobcat more than I want a house cat.

Yeah, because that's what they are. But they're smart and gentle. It's they're just I can't say enough nice things about these main coats.

Maybe there is a mean coon rescue.

That maybe I'll go to. Maine. Maybe they are indigenous to Maine. That wasn't just one of my signature word.

Jokes really because it was hilarious.

Well, thank you, as is my signature slow burn. No initial laughing, but yeah, but a thinker. Once you go home, you're like, oh, yeah, I guess you kind of had a point there.

Yeah, it did end quickly. That makes me laugh at the time when you do a kind of a short stopper.

Yeah, I love that. It's all about timing.

I'm expecting three. No, you only gave me half.

Yeah, there's no conclusion or punch, but yeah, I want to Another friend had a main Oh yeah, in Missoula.

My friend said, oh, I have a main coon that I got at a at a shelter. And the cat came out just looked like a regular cat with some of the character traits, but obviously the runt of its group, and not what the thousands of dollars to be the kind of cat I would bring on my boat. Now, when did you get this boat? Oh, this yacht I got uh huh, oh, I got that yacht. All I was born in all I was born with it.

It's bone in that boat.

The s s may be lean maybe I was born. Oh I can just hear those podcast radios clicking off.

No, they just turned it up too, yeah, degree.

Yeah, they just changed the setting from classical to rock and roll.

They're like, I better get some trouble on here. This guy's a rocking out and.

He's got a monotone, low voice.

I could use more exciting for me, more excited listener.

Less muppet us. But but yeah, I went. Yeah, Bloomington was great. It was fun to do shows with April. Like a lot of my friends, you just do short sets like you guys do the show at the improv. I never see a longer set. Yeah from her, I've never seen these long bits that work on the road. And she was great. It was really fun.

Oh good, Yeah she is. I think she's so hilarious. She did the have you ever done that show that's at the it's like the Foreign Legion place that's on Highland. It's the really old fashioned like Veterans Memorial building and it's a downstairs bar and it's kind of a famous Hollywood movie shoot spot.

Huh. Maybe I would know it if I was there shooting the movie. Yeah. Probably.

Well, it's like an art deco looking bar okay, and I think they did some of the shots of the shining in part of this place.

Oh wow. So it's like right by Hollywood Boulevard.

It's like it's up it's up Highland on the way to the Hollywood Bowl.

Oh okay.

It's kind of stuck over on the side, like I don't think you'd notice it.

Oh okay.

But there's a girl that does a show there, I think either once a week or once a month. And I went with April because she had to do it. And she went last, and there was you know, like eight people on the show. So she's like, dude, dude, I'm last, and she was bummy out. She goes, you know what I do, I'm just going to take that microphone and walk through the crowd.

I'm like, i'd be curious. Oh she told me about that.

Yeah. She was so funny because I was like, there's a lot of just old vets here that kind of maybe don't want this shit.

And she was so funny and the mic wasn't working maybe or she.

Just at one point she started talking like theater style. But I just I hadn't seen her do that much stand up. I've been friends with.

Her for a while.

Yeah, but that's probably the third show i'd gone to a first.

She was just hilarious. Yeah, it's it's it's fun to see it's fun to see friends do good.

Also, there's that stage of comedy where you've done it enough times where things like that, like for a long time, shows like that would would shake me and I wouldn't give a good performance because I'd be all mad about the scenario I was in.

When you're in a restaurant, they don't know there's going to be comedy and they're trying.

To eat, and all I can do is empathize with the people in the audience and know for a fact they hate me. That's all I can do. And everything that goes after that is kind of a waste of time because it's I'm just not having a good time. But then there's this weird and for me it was like after doing comedy for years and years and years, it took forever. Then I was like, it's all enjoyable because who gives a shit, Like at the really, at the end of the day, like this is all just

Yeah, And sometimes it takes you like approaching it differently, like walking around the room or I did a show like that once and I just sat at a table and it was candlelight. I never sit and do stand up. I just I think there was like lanterns, and so they were. I just put my face near the lantern and acted like my ghosts were. My stories were ghosts stories, My jokes were ghost stories. It's fun to tell your jokes and like a spooky like you're telling this ghost story.

You have to have a lantern.

You have to. If there's curtains, you have to have lanterns. It I'm just talking about old timey restaurant. Hollywood.

Please have at least one bail of hay.

And a petite filet on the menu.

Everything has to be all a cart.

I'm tired of telling this city how it should be run, but.

You know, yeah, so you might as well tell.

I've been here coming up on a decade and a half.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not sure except I was trying.

I don't know why I was doing an accent.

I went into a really weird one.

So after in Bloomington they didn't. I just changed subjects all the time, go for it. After they didn't recognize the movie Breaking Away, which is the best. It's so inspirational. As a kid, it was, I just loved it because the underdogs just really given what for to those richie Jock Soshas. Yeah and uh but I I just was talking about Daniel Stern and how in that movie and in every movie City Slickers, Home Alone, he at some point takes it in the balls. Yes, that's like a thing.

Yeah, he has the perfect face for it too, with those big, bulbous kind of are almost already crossed eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One time I saw him on Abbot Kenny rummaging through the trash swearing no, like the kid in Parenthood that lost his retainer. He was just going fuck, God, damn it, like he lost his phone or something. But he was his shirt was dirty and he looked crazy, and people are like, oh, they like scooted away. They thought he's a homeless guy. And I'm like, that's Daniel starin everybody.

What what was he doing?

He was digging through the garbage and then he went to dig through another garbage. I think he had lost something, but he looked like someone ferociously trying to find part of a good sandwich.

That's insane.

It was insane.

I I love that movie. My father loves that movie. And he used to call us Cyril when we would screw things up all the time. Cyril would he drop something on the ground. Cyril was Daniel Stearn's character's name. He was like just the big dipshit of the group. So my dad would call you Cyril if you like mess something up?

And who's the character? Then the little guy that in the beginning, the most memorable scene where he's like, punch the clock and get to work and he just punches the clock with his fist and it breaks and I quit. Yes, it's like yes, guitar riff.

Well, you know that's the guy.

He emerged later as a scary He became scary.

He was in Little Children as the pedophile.

Right, I've never seen that. That's the scene. It's so upset swimming in a pool. That's like a happiness type movie. It is.

It's very upsetting, but it's actually a great movie. It's unbelievable to watch, like so much tension. So his name's Jackie Earyl Hayley.

Okay, yeah that is How'd you do that?

Because I am desperate too, because I really adore him. I love his face, I love his acting. The second I saw him in Bad News Bears when I was.

A kid, I was like, who is that? I love him?

What was his name in Bad News Bears?

It's the first Jackie ear Olhley that is an actor that didn't try and shoot President Reagan? Am I right? I think he was in Bad News Bearers. Yeah, he was the coolest Bad News bear.

Wait, his was his name? Mike and the Bad News Bearers? Why?

Kelly Leek?

Kelly Leak? Thank you?

How the what?

But then what was his name in Breaking Away? Do you know?

No? I don't.

Oh that was so good. Kelly Leak was legendary. He's just like smoking first Basement or whatever.

Yeah, and then he didn't do anything after some episodic stuff in the late nineties and then all of a sudden and.

Then Boom, Little Children. I think he got an oscar for boom. Watchman, Watchman, he's so scary, and that he's scary, so scary. What's that scarecrow?

I think that's a Batman character. But he is mad Aaron Man. What if this was well, we'd have to be answering them ass questions. But what if this was jeopardy?

This was jeopardy, I would have lost already. Oh.

I think, well that's incorrect. You wouldn't lost.

I'm sorry. You're not an expert on anything, Alex.

You don't know any of this stuff. It's on the cards. Quit being condescending to your guests.

And grow that mustache back. Oh.

Please God, you look just like Bird Reynolds without it, guy with fish lips, grow that stash back.

What game show would do you think you would do the best on?

I think I'm afraid we'll of fortune.

Does that shame you.

Since as a kid there was just an S and some spaces and I said, Steve Lawrence and Edie Gourmet, I just knew it and you got it right. Yes, that's awesome. Maybe it was my dad, but I do remember. I guess I wasn't at the time familiar with their work.

Look, it happened. Whether you were there to watch it happen or you made it happen, it's the same feeling.

Yeah, my dad's brain is similar enough to mine to where I can take some credit. Yeah, take that credit some of the things he's done, Like I said, a property appraisal, I take credit for some of those. Do you go that's silly, that's just silly talk.

What did I already tell you the story at the time that I was at lunch with a guy that I dating is a generous word, that I was hanging out with and we were playing like twenty questions, Uh huh, and in one guess I think in two guesses. I got it was a celebrity that he was thinking of, and I got Pat Merita. I said, is it a woman? He said no, and I said Pat Merita, And then oh my god, I've and left that lunch. And he was like, all right, I didn't want to go out

You scared him. No, I didn't know that about the Pat Marina. Yeah, I remember every time that guy's name is men me too. Now I think the one thing, not not in his defense or to take away from your magic, but everyone's always got Pat Marina in their brain.

Think so, yeah, he's always that knowing smile. Yeah, all that advice, Yeah, wisdom.

Yeah, you don't know you're getting it. At first, you think you're just working.

Yeah, you just think you're being used.

Yeah.

Yeah, it turns out they think a good Probably seven months later you realize you're gonna win because of him.

Yeah. As long as the person you're fighting is screaming about car wax and fences, yeah, then you'll know what to do.

Kind of important.

That was the one thing. It's like, how do you know.

I mean, if you're fighting cars, you're fine. If you're fighting a crane, you'll be okay. Yes, none other than that, don't fight yeah probably.

No, No, you are not equipped to fight just a human coming at you with human earms.

Do you remember the game sho Tic tac.

Dough tic tac dough Yeah, not toe.

No dough dough like money?

Oh no, I don't. Why did I think of deer a female deer? You just thought it was a terrible name. Yeah, tac dough.

Wink Martindale was the host, and there was a tic tac toe board that was all lit up with bulbs, and there was trivia questions and then if you got it right, you got to put x's and no's like the Hollywood squares. It was a smaller version, but behind one of the squares there was a dragon.

I really think it was their opportunity to put a scary dough.

Like a deer with huge things.

Why, well, it's not tktok dragon? What that? Why was there a dragon?

They're just like, oh, no, one had to do anything. Well, it was going to happen either way.

They all put out a cigarette and a giant ass tray. Poor that Scotch.

What else should we do a variety show?

Okay, I don't know.

Let's find a reason to get you a secretary to walk in here she says the crassest.

Things, the dirty mouth secretary.

This Fallen NBC starring Fran Dresser.

Sorry, I feel like my nose is running. That's okay, I apologize.

That's usually me. I'm usually that guy. That's right.

How are your joints, let's check in.

It's they're okay. As a whole. My hip is not good. It is hurting.

Have you been swimming?

I have, but it seems like it doesn't care.

It doesn't care anymore.

I need to swim more. Maybe. Yeah. I did some things well in Montana. Is in Montana for about ten days, and I went like stand up paddle boarding, and I went water skiing, and I went skateboarding with some pals and I did some damage. I think to where it's like swimming. But swimming always feels good. Yeah, even if it's hurting. So hey, and I've been I like it in the Olympics. Now I'm like watching swimming.

Isn't it the best?

It's pretty impressive now that I am learning to swim, especially the fact that they don't have to wear a snorkel from ross dress for less. That's right.

They almost never do, although I heard in Rio some of the swimmers were wearing snorkels because the water was so cloudy. Oh wow, when they first got there.

That's what I would do. You don't want that on your mucous membranes.

No, you can't have it. Yeah, it was supposed to be a little My favorite is the shot they take underneath, because you're underwater and they're underwater. It's the greatest you can see what they're doing.

It's funny. The only time it makes zero sense is with I watched the synchronized diving and so they show their dive. It's amazing how they do it. They like touch hands and instinctively know when they're gonna That's how they the guys would do it. It was funny. They zoom in on their hands lightly touch. But you can tell which divers were kind of homophobic because they didn't commit. They're just like hovering and kind of tapping. But the other there's other guys that are like, hey, buddy, and

I'm not your boyfriends, do not put that on me.

And we're and then so they'd show the dive and then the camera goes underwater after the dive, I guess to show their entry into the water. But then they flip around. Everyone's speedo was coming off. Oh, and they're just showing butts. Yes, it's just welcome to the butt show.

When was this yesterday?

It was a few days ago. So many butts. It was funny, like, you know, I can appreciate you just appreciated some young diving butts.

Now hold on, look those free butts. Wait a second, we signed up for those butts. Were you watching certain cable channels in your hotel room? This was not the Olympics.

I was pressed by and I bought the weirdest Olympic event where it was kind of light skate shooting. Huh, I'm not going to finish that joke. You finish it, you know what I'm saying. You know what Olympic event. I don't like shooting. It was more like sket shooting.

No, you turned it into a different thing.

Well, that's funny because we all know you can't get pool videos at the hotel with a parental restrictions that I always put on myself.

Projectile diarrhea as an Olympic event, skeat.

Shooting as a as an erotic film or Olympic event.

Anyone at the Sheraton wants to see that, you might as well offer it.

Oh honey, there's big jugs, or we got underwater diary.

Oh my god, water diarrhea probably one of the best events at the Dirty Olympics. That's funny, that's fun I haven't been out of town, but just thinking about staying in a hotel room is so appealing to me. Have gone like on a trip in so long.

Yeah, April and I were talking about to where is it a bad thing if we prefer a hotel that, like I wasn't neither of us. We're looking forward to going home to our own rooms. Yeah, because the there's nothing in a hotel. It's just a clean slate. There's nothing to worry about, there's nothing to say, Hey, you should take care of me, some talking stack of bills. If you can imagine the envelopes being limps, pay me and then it for four years, the pillows fluff me.

You've got to have the fluffiest pillows in the neighborhood.

Yeah, otherwise you are poor.

You.

But at a hotel, there's like nothing. It's always a more comfortable than my bed, cleans, more quieter, and yeah. I love hotels and I sleep so well in them.

Yes, it's so quiet.

Yeah.

But the only problem I had it's not a problem anymore, hopefully, But when I would when I we would go do shows on the road or whatever, when I will go back to the hotel, I had no problem. Never thought twice about rip and open that eight dollars bag of peanut M and MS to eat while I watched TV at midnight or two am.

Or watch a movie. You twelve dollars for old transformers.

Yes, I want, I want to pay more than it's worth.

Please.

I in a.

Hotel, I always do. I always read that fridge and it's like, oh I spent fifty dollars.

Yes, it's so wrong, and yet the best thing, the best feeling.

Yeah, nothing, it's your on vacation kind of every time, even if you're there for work, which is the only time I'm usually in hotels.

More so if you're there for work, then you have all this escape energy.

Yeah, I need to Oh that was so hard.

I need to be soothed in all these different ways.

This bag of emin m's will do.

Oh, gummy bears, don't mind if I do.

The best. Yeah. I had a good time. And it was a nice hotel.

Did you have Did they have gummy bears?

They didn't, And it wasn't like that. It was more it was pretty standard. There wasn't like it was a nice room though, because didn't have a fridge. They did have a coffeemaker, that's key. It was such a cheap hotel coffee maker that I wasn't sure of the tray that you put the coffee. It's like a little puck of NS. The tray itself was so flimsy and plastic that I'm like, am I even supposed to reuse this? You throw half of it away? I did throw it away, And then when they did my room, I didn't get

My seventy five thirty five.

I was. Our flight was like a nighttime flight going there.

Oh, you got to ride first class, didn't you?

Yeah, told me at the points, and it was the best. It's the it is the dream to me.

First class is the the best thing that can happen to you in life.

Oh.

Concluding baby, it was the best.

Yeah. And there was no babies in there, oh nicely, And we just both acted like rich twelve year old. So she had a big giant coke and I had all the whiskey that should have gone with it. And they had a great time. That's so awesome. Blankets that kept they were almost bothering us too much. Yeah, what else do you want? That's how they do it.

Did you have warm nuts, like right as you sat down?

No, nor a warm towel. Usually I thought they give you that. That's just a tradition. Here's a hot towel and you're like, what do I do? And you have to watch someone else. I guess put it on my face. Okay, here we go too hot? Too hot. They just see if you have a high pain tolerance right when you sit down.

So then they know what they can do with and not with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, and so that that part was great. But I before that flight, I I was like i'll go swimming. I'll go eat at this whole food eat type. It wasn't whole foods, but it's a market place, and I ate and as I sat down, I was wearing my gym shorts because I was gonna go gym swimming, and something seem to shift in my pocket and I looked down to see if I dropped something, and nothing was there. I should have looked more thoroughly, because I drove all the way to the gym and I realized that was

First name.

People like that she eleanor oh thank you eleanor you're the best is eleanor you're a godsend eleanor it's with an e on so it's eleanor maybe oh no, but I'm so I'm so thankful that like a good person found my wallet, looked, you know, looked up my name on Twitter, matched the photo you know it was. There's no one that made an effort for you. Yeah, once on Facebook to have found me. And I'm like, I'll come get it right now, like pretty on the way

Shit.

Yeah, it was a beautiful place.

But that's so lucky.

Yeah, yeah, that's so it. Really it started the week off on a high note.

Yay, that's a high note. That reminds me that I have let my passport expire and that's bad. Yeah, when I should change that.

I should do that too. Mine's coming up and maybe I should preemptively do it. I never do anything that isn't last minute or late.

I know. In fact, we were talking about mail the mail pile earlier. I had a friend come over and he helped me open every piece of mail on my counter.

That's a nice friend.

I know. It was really cool because he was helping me with other financials.

He Charles Grodin. I always just think that's the Duke.

Yeah, if he came over and opened my mail for me.

That movie, Dave, I don't know it. It's so it's so good where he is like the president. Yeah, it's one of those loose eighties like where he's like he's a twin, but he doesn't know him. He just happens to look just like him. So the real president's in a coma. They don't want to alarm anyone. So they hire this actor to be him, and he ends up being a better president Kevin Klein. He acts like Obama the whole time. Yeah, he becomes he patches up his marriage.

Also, Charles Groden, I started watching a terrible movie about a child who had four imaginary people that were ghosts. Well, when he was born, the ghosts had just all got in a bus accident and died at the same time. So it was Kira Sedgewick, Charles Groden, that guy that was on drugs and on the rehab show, who's a great actor. Tom Sizemore, Oh yeah, yeah and scary though. Yeah, well he's like what he's white drugs in body and spirit.

Maybe not anymore, but didn't he like slap around some hookers and.

Heidi Flies that's his girlfriend for a while, but I think they were both on crazy white rugs together. Sure it really goes, you know, off the rails, no pun and that was great.

See I would have I would have rejoiced in that moment you're embarrassed it happen. That help.

But also with the what's the woman's name? Black actress that's so good and everything and has been in one million things.

Well, I guess and I don't get it right, then I'm racist. I know. Whatever.

It's a terrible movie that Charles Groden alone was making me watch because he's so real and good and you feel like you know that person.

I've always liked him, always liked him, Gold Goldiehan, Chevy Chase Romps. He's just I've always liked him so much. So the best this goes out to Charles Groden, this episode to Charles Groden and eleanor.

What two great people in Los Angeles.

Yeah, yeah, there's somewhere.

I bet there's more.

I'm sure he maybe he lives in Vermont or something. Yeah, there's no way he lives. Seems like he lives in Vermont. Yeah, under a sweatter factory. Just takes it easy all the time. Yes, card getting up. Yeah, he's my.

Favorite thing is remember when Charles Groden had his own kind of like a Charlie Rowe show on or MSNBC. I can't remember what it was on, but it was like kind of a news show.

Yeah, what happened to that? I don't know, but it was so funny.

And one time they were taking calls and he goes whatever the person, you know, it was like James and Delaware, this is your big chance, just a caller. I was just like, I love him so much. Yeah, he's the best good comedy, good good, good good at comedy, good good guy.

Maybe I bet he's kind of good. That's what I like, you know, Yeah, yeah, I know.

Wait, you look just looked like him?

What do you feel? I probably can't do it again. I was in the moment.

Let's see really quick. I'm sorry to bother you. I just know I'm a huge fan of Midnight Run.

You know what? Thank you? Yes, okay, there we go. That was really thank you. I can't you seem nice? Now I'm trying on sweaters. I'm mocking my dog.

Chris's eyes are so Charles Groden.

Now.

Really it's more facial growdon than an audible voice growding. But I'm very face growing it up. I'm gron it out. And what do you think the mask?

Howard Kramer was hanging out with Charles Groden.

What would he interject with, Hey, Charles Growdon, I'm doing a summer fest thing where people go on jet skis, and I wonder if you could cook the lups, just cause I know you live in Maine or Vermont.

Do do? It's called making it phone for yourself. Yeah, and that's what I do on this podcast and make you do things.

In earning me just making lemonade.

We're just lemonade. Watch my fat ass twist. Boy, it's lemonade. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Your phone keeps. I just have a lot of brain coming through.

Yeah. I always rest easy knowing no one's calling me.

Oh well, that's a calming thought.

That's all right. I'm having an off year, so it's okay, you'll come back. Thanks will tearing around, it goes.

It's like a pendulum. All of life is a cycle, and there are social seasons, just like there are seasons in nature.

Yep, and oftentimes in Los Angeles. Since we don't get the latter kind of season, it's just you instead of the leaves changing. I'll just realize every fall I'm maybe hated by everyone. Yeah, and then that come springtime, people want to hang out.

Yeah, come springtime.

I live by the beach.

Yeah, then it's hey, my bitterness is going to fuel me throughout the warm months. Yeah yeah yeah, and then you're and then it's back at Christmas.

Yeah yeah yeah, lonely cold Christmas.

I gotta say, though, we were just talking about this, there's nothing better than Christmas in Los Angeles when everyone leaves and it is like this town is a band.

I've never done it. I'm afraid that I will get sad. I have to go home for Christmas. Yeah, like super important. I don't know, for a family that is not at all religious, Christmas has been Maybe because of that, Christmas is very important.

Well, I bet it's also absolutely gorgeous in Montana.

Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. I gotta go to the snow sure. Well you don't know about me. Is I used to I was used to snowboards so much I got I didn't even pay for my snowboards.

Yeah, you're a sponsored athlete.

Well, my cousin, Ross's best friend, he's more of a second cousin. We he would give me stuff. Oh and when I got home, Ross was he said, while we're going up to the lake. My cousin Scott is getting married, and I'm like, wait, he's my my or yeah, not Scott. I'm sorry. I always called it. Even when I was a kid, I called him Scott. Now now I'm in my head and I've embarrassed. Yeah, I've embarrassed because you called them the wrong name. Yeah, Scott wasn't there. His

That's great news for us. Yeah, great news.

Yeah, I've always worried about it because there's other Alzheimer's. But I think my mom's grandma, and I think a uncle maybe, But the the rest of them, man, it's just luck of the dice or a roll of them. Rather, how do you play with dice?

I guess you'd roll them.

Yeah, it's not just luck based gravity things. But they were. They were with it and smart and sweet and funny, and they were all rocking out to def Leppard and stuff. I just it was a great wedding on a lake, and that's yes. Then I tried to paddle board and then a hurtan goddamn hip.

The But you have to be extreme, I mean you can't not.

Yeah, so good.

Yeah, that's the price you pay. What you're willing to pay that you're grateful to pay.

Yeah. I want to. I want to still be extreme, but I think my extreme days are coming to a clothes But I'm gonna get it fixed. I'm gonna get surgery. Yeah you will. It's gonna work. Yeah, it's gonna be great.

It's done constantly. My dad's had it done three times.

It's easy in and out procedures. You just leave and dancing and skipping in the ring. Here's you do.

You go in, you get a new hip, I get that hip, and you go out.

Karen and I just drank vodka. Wants about doctor Matt Stuck.

Love it so much.

I you know, it would be a great podcast.

If someone could grat to actively in a time machine, go back and just play recordings of all the drunken conversations I've had at bars, what kind of an experience with that?

It would feel terrible.

It would be the worst thing.

I would hate to hear myself even and yeah, and I feel like I don't have regrets, but I would have them if I heard myself. Oh yeah, that's what's the reason I don't even can't even sometimes listen to our podcast. I know, you know right now I'm drunk. I uh no, just kidding. I had there's something Martha Kelly should Kelly or Kelly if you're Kelly, cajun Martha Kelly,

I know.

You you're drunk because I marked a bottle. It's so dark and it's scary. Yes, it's scary. Two scary old guys that lived together that are just old drunks. And the muppets looked just like Sesame Street Kid muppets. Yeah, and I have to know, I have to remember. I have to find that it's the best. There's it's a well.

There is a documentary also called shut Up, Little Man, and that is the story of that whole How those guys got that recording?

Oh, I don't know anything. Oh you got it.

It's called It's Great. It's a documentary that the two guys that made their recording made, is.

It Youtuba Bule? I don't know. Maybe we put a link. Ah ah.

I had a friend and I can't remember. I don't know if you ever knew Laura Milligan. She was really short and blonde, but she was kind of punk rock like she'd always have like pink or green in her hair.

I know that's sure sounds from me.

She was in a band with Greg Barren and she's she was also a performer, but she now lives in San Francisco. But okay, she was one of the Sanrancisco posse. Oh, and she actually started the show when we all moved to LA that basically brought all the people together.

It was her show.

Oh cool, She's amazing. But anyway, when we lived in San Francisco, she lived in uh in Mill Valley, and we used to go to her apartment or her boyfriend Mike King's apartment, and they had this tape of a guy that used to come home at night after work and going to a bar where he'd get ship face drunk. Then he would come home and sing into his own personal karaoke machine. Oh wow, and he would start songs, but then he would start singing his own lyrics about his life.

Oh my god, how did she record it? How did I don't just a mic under a door? Yesh, somebody either.

I think what happened is he was taping himself doing it, and one day when he went to work, someone broke into his apartment and.

Stole it, like I gotta get this gold mine.

Yes, And we listened to it every weekend, like we I've listened to it so many times and it is ab absolutely brilliant. It is like because it's a.

Man kind of singing like this.

Well then he goes into dian for more work. You can go fuck it up. But it's like to a door's song or you know, it's on, Oh wow, it's amazing.

That's gotta be set to Moppets.

That's any kind of eavesdropping is my bag?

Yeah, I am. It's because listening to that you feel like you're doing something bad by hearing it. Yeah, you are doing something bad. And they're scary and it guy's just singing drunk by himself is kind of scary. Yes, if you think there's a revolver on the type you know.

And you know that you've done similar, Like my thing is like a lot of times people will be like, oh, do you want to meet us at a bar? And it's not like I think, I don't want to not meet you at a bar because I don't want to drink. I know, it's been so long, I'm not gonna start drinking again. What I can't take is when people start to get drunk and they don't realize what they say sound like like when you finally step over into the world of just being drunk and not giving a fuck, which.

God bless I would be there if I could.

But it just reminds me of like, what must people have overheard me saying for that, you know, decade of time where I was never not chief faced. I must have said the worst things at the top of my lungs in the quietest places.

I just know I did. I Yeah, I know, I know I did. I still probably do. Sometimes I think I've made it's probably a bad thing that when I've had a bunch of drinks, though no one knows.

Yeah, well you're you handle yourself, right.

I either I handle myself or I've had so much that it doesn't It takes more than it's healthy to enter your body to actually make me slur.

You have a very high tolerance, very high tolerant, which I think is bad. I mean, it just means that you've had a lot of practice nuts.

I thought you were maybe gonna say that.

There was I just remember my friend Danny Sibioshi's always say you never slur, it's so weird, And I'm just like, that's not good for thinking, Like I want to be proud of it and like brag and tell people, but I know deep down it's probably not the best. Yeah, because that means I'm just used to being that way.

Really making that effort. Yeah, I think I think that's probably it's a well it's okay, I'm doing fine now you are. Yeah, I got to handle on things. There was a time where the local skate shop and was a little made a skate video and I didn't have any skateboarding footage. So at the end of it, my part was me drunk in an apartment and when I was living in Bad Oregon snowboarding every day, so there

Yeah, although that's when you're supposed to do stuff like that. Yeah, if you're a young skateboarder and you're not doing that, go fuck yourself.

Actually, I'd love to see that footage.

I would I would never stop laughing.

I think the last time I saw it, I was like, God, I was in good shape.

There's a lot to be proud of.

Yeah, look that guy is.

He doing wrong?

Like he's almost got abs.

Look, and he likes witches. Good, there's nothing wrong with it.

It's dangerously a broken broom too. It should not have been between my legs.

Oh yeah, no, you had to be careful of that. I mean, here's the thing. A lot a lot of people beat themselves up for getting drunk, Like they're like, oh, I got so drunk at the bar last night. I got so drunk at that party.

It was like what we supposed to do?

Yeah, like the especially in LA I think, because so many people that keep their shit tight because they're always networking or whatever. But ultimately it's like, if you're at a bar or if you're a party, you're supposed to get drunk.

There's times where I don't blame myself because I just there's days where I just don't I'm not that hungry, and I'd maybe eat once in the morning and then I don't eat the rest of the day, and then I'm like, oh, I'll have a couple of drinks with a friend, and then I haven't eaten, and I'm a cartoon hobo burping up bubbles. Ye, with all my belongings and a kerchief on a stick. All of a sudden and I can't. I'm like, how did this happen?

Oh?

Yeah, I forgot to eat?

You did. That's the Kyomega mistake where you didn't eat but you got drunk.

Who's Kyomega? Just a sorority girl? Oh, it's a class and stigma Kyomega. Do my kap a cappuccino joke? Would you? This is just really a fraternity that's on edge too much coffee? Oh I see, yes, thank you. Yeah, their their dead mother or whatever just only made them coffee.

Oh I thought you said they're dead mother's.

This fraternity as layers.

They're dead mothers haunting them and it makes them drink.

Yeah yeah, yeah, I could ask coffee.

There.

We know.

Sorry, we had to test. That was a test of the emergency broadcast system. The next time you hear that, when when it's going to peel off your roof. Sorry, we have to stop for a minute here. Well that concludes our test. Just a test. Sorry, you don't know what to do if it's the real thing, though, So next time we even if it is a test, Put on a helmet and get in your bathtub, yes please, you don't know what's coming.

And helmet up anything else nearby, a cat, a plant.

You better have helmets because you're gonna need.

One every dish in the pantry.

Put a helmet on your toast.

Get the mailman indoors hell that'd be So.

That's a funny scene from something a twister starting. Someone sees a mailman, They run, grab him, put a helmet on his head and put him in the bathtub and hang out with him in the.

Bathroom, and then they start opening mail.

Look at this ship. Yeah, I hope this isn't the last bill I get. That roof starts shaking, and then it leaves town. The mailman goes on his way.

And they never speak of it again, because there's shame in being the bath in the bathtub with another purpose.

You want to get another your mailman.

No, God, no, then they want to use your bathroom.

You don't want to piss him off either.

Take a bite of those valve packs you think you're gonna get coupons in the mail. If you piss that guy off, haill, No, come on, don't be crazy. I like it. How much longer.

Should we talk? Yeah, we don't have a guest today, That's okay. When we take breaks like this, I think we and you and I enjoy it the most. Yeah, and I think our guests really like it when we have these reunions. They love it.

They love not being here. Well, because when we're a part, then I like, I need to recalibrate with the actual person I do the podcast with. Yeah, when there's another person here. Most of the time, I'm always like, yeah, our settings are off. We recalibrate to recalibrate, and we know what the team is doing. We function as a

A lot like this when you open the church and see all the people. Yeah, that kind of hand class.

It's the people are out though right they're on the roof. It's more of a tepee.

It's like a fun day at church where all the people get out of the pews and they get on the roof of the church, and you know what they do, that's what she's doing with her hands.

They open the refrigerator, they take one out, they drink it, they put it back, and then they find out that I'm Chinese and I've played a joke, that's what.

And I put people in your coke. Yeah, that's what. There used to be a hand refrigerator thing with that.

That's how that whole thing starts. Oh my god, open the refrigerator and then you go like that, take out a coke and then you fucking some seven year old child leads you in a fake drinking the tiny tiny coke and you're just playing along. How fun, and then boom they let you know that you've drunk their urine.

Well that works better than seeing a movie from the eighties, to just let us know that we've evolved as humans, see man, and we used to be stupid, because that is a dumb it's really that's a stretch.

You did it, didn't you me? Chinese?

I think maybe I said that, but I think my dad was progressive enough to say, like, don't say that, Oh, don't say I thought I was hilarious. It is pretty hair. I mean, I like all. My memory of it got replaced by I think, doesn't Sarah Silverman, as with the Chinese peepe.

Joke, probably based on that fun children.

This weekend, I thought of so many fun new jokes, and they're all diarrhea and masturbation jokes. Like I don't know when I'm going to snap out. I like the jokes, but it's don't snap out of it people. It took a while before they realized, oh, he's just going to keep talking about this stuff medical clinical. I should just start doing doctor conferences. That's all I do is talking about bodily functions, my fears and the fears that I have because of bodily functions.

I mean, you're basically defining what it is to be a human being. What do we do? We shit and we're.

Scared, right, that's it. What's more relatable? People want to hear about your life. That's the things I do. I haven't had kids yet. That'll change. LUISYK used to have diarrhea jokes. That's right. He squeezed out a couple of redheads and then boom bam boom. Cut comedy got better. Maybe I could just adopt a kid for my act to get better.

I mean, I wouldn't.

Have you heard that comic he adopted a kid on his own, altered.

His life just for the material I did hear about him?

Yeah, I like him, but I kind of like his material, his diarrhea stuff more.

I feel like the diarya stuff is more authentic. It seems like it's coming from a more real place. You didn't adopt that diarrhea. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, you're saying when a parent adopts a child, it's not an authentic paranim is that I have that death in what you've said. We'll be right back, and we're back. This is your chance call her.

This is your big chance, your big chance.

It's like.

So, that's why I think men do have an advantage in comedy, because men, as a societal construct, are supposed to be business minded, taking care of business leaders, serious, manly, and when you break that and just act a little bit dumb or girly, it's the funniest thing of all time, Whereas women can't do that, because you can't if you act manly as a joke, people are like, oh.

We don't want any that. Yeah, I don't know why. I'm just immediately, immediately, immediately go to Melissa McCarthy and that that surprisingly so funny Bridesmaids where she was just kind of like, hey, like just turn why don't you get I can't remember what when she it's her leg up on something.

Yes, And I think she's doing that in the in the airplane she's flirting with the guy who's her husband.

In real a manly guy. She didn't go They didn't make her like a lesbian character. That just made her a man a pushy dude. Yeah, trying to get laid out of playing and putting her leg up in the air. That's the only Verde switcheroo version of that that I can think of. If you like that.

I watched I think it's called Lady Boss, her newest movie, where she wears a humungist turtleneck the entire time with Kristen.

Oh the Boss. Is it called The Boss Boy? I saw the when I saw the preview for it, I'm like, that looks unwatchable. It's just midget's getting thrown at her and her punching balls. But maybe it was a bad trailer.

Uh well, I mean yes, I have to say I watched it and I had very low expectations because I hadn't heard a word about it.

Sure, I've watched all her movies with very low She makes terrible choices with her jobs sometimes, but she's always funny.

I laughed my ass off at this movie and I was gonna tweet it, and then I'm like, oh, I don't want to this. Everything now seems like, oh, it's a political move to show that blah blah blah whatever it where it's like no. At the bottom line is I can watch Melissa McCarthy answer the phone.

She is a naturally hilarious She really is the best and that and of course I love her. I love Christien Wig and I want the reason I and I wrote something about the new Ghostbusters and everyone jumped down my throat like I hate women or but I the reason my reason for not watching it is because they had that's going to leave a Mark and some other typical lines in the trailer, and it's like, typically a trailer,

My my childhood.

Yeah yeah, I have to say that, oh got mad at me? Well oh yeah, everyone got mad at me because I didn't want to see it.

It's all like remember when there was the big like after the Daniel Tosh thing, where's the big fight about ken you or can you not talk about rape or whatever? It's all that stuff where it's complex. There's more than two shades to it, you know what I mean. It's a and it's not the thing that you discuss online because you've got people coming in being trolls. You've got people that are being way too defensive and way too reactionary and the whole combination. Everyone's bringing their worst to

They're laughing among girls that are just stoked and like being that for young people, that's cool.

It was really sweet and it was just people that were like hell bent on enjoying themselves and so they did and so I did because everybody else. It was just like everyone had a huge smile on their face in the theater.

It was great. I'm gonna see it. But I have to say this, Ghostbusters, you you go tweet that? And I never did.

I thought, please, never never tweet that. Do not do it.

I'm not kidding.

Oh, okay, there are you can tell the editing process something went wrong because there's things that need to be there that aren't, and there's things that you can tell they shot afterwards and put in.

That someone has on the big popsicle stick. No, but so yes, it's yeah.

But at the same time, it kind of in at least in my singular experience of it, transcended all that because it was just like, it's all women on screen. The entire time, and the men that come on screen come on as women usually come on screen as a kind of like, oh, it's you being a perfunctory this one single thing, and it's just kind of satisfying in that way. Okay, bad is that my sound?

I'm gonna see it. Hey, should we plug a thing before we close?

Well up, we know what we have to plug this coming cancel. Go back to this business class, business class.

We're at it again.

It's a comedy show, you know us, business class.

What is this? August August.

Tenth, Yes, thank you, Wednesday, August tenth at ten pm at the improv Lab.

The famous Hollywood Improvisation Laboratory, the Laboratory.

And it's going to be it's going to be Nate Craig, it's going to.

Be I live with him, Cara Clank, she's great, she's the best.

It's going to be Chris Fairbanks, that's me. It's going to be Dana Gould.

He's terrific, he's the greatest.

And the I just retweeted it, is there any Oh Gareth Reynolds.

Oh yeah, Gareth Garris.

So it's gonna be this is a great one.

He's a he's a The Dollar podcast.

He's from the Dollup. He's hilarious.

Featured in the horrifying documentary Tickle Tickled. Oh I saw sitting next to him.

And man freaking out. Yeah, I was freaking out during that movie.

It's like the Jinx.

Yes it is. And the by the end that was the one I think we talked about it where everyone sat in the same row in the at the Sunset what do you call it? Sundance Sunset?

Okay, yeah, so it's.

Me and April and then like four strangers everybody that came in. It was like they kept selling everybody the same ticket in the same row or something. It was really weird. But anyway, when it ended, we all started talking to each other. Oh wow, that's because everyone was freaking out of like is that real?

Is that?

Man?

Oh my god? Well, at the Silent Movie Theater, which is more it's something else, but I always drive by it said Silent Movie Theater. Oh uh, family, thank you. The director was Aaron did a Q and A with that uh with that Fielding guy interviewing him the Nathan for You guy, and it was great. Yeah, so we just listened to him talk about so that made the experience even better, so much tickled. I can help that guy with his lawsuits. Nuts. It's good, it's great, all right, terrific.

Good to see you too, my friend.

Nice to recalibrate. Thank you for coming in. Charles Grodon, you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D Y N A.

M I leaving you want way bad either way, there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage time and turmanol e gay.

We want to send you off inside. You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine?

Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chris