Ep. 86 - April Richardson (with better sound quality)

I leave, then I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminal and gay, we want to send you off inside.

We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every.

Scared or was it fine porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride around?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride? I'm Karen Kilgareth, I'm not Chris Fairbanks. Here's an interesting twist this week's episode. Chris is not in the studio yet. He lives on the west side. He drives in very, very busy traffic. I was gonna say thick traffic, but that seems dirty, and so oftentimes he'll leave. He'll leave himself a good

No, I'm not no o.

Our guest this week is April Richards's right, all faithful. She's our guest. She's our friend. She's Chris's co host on your television show. You guys don't talk about this show enough never Why would we?

True TV's almost jacktical jokers, Oh, your brothers and you pull tricks to people.

Sadly, we don't do pranks, which we should do. Nothing is more lucrative than prank.

It's pranks is where it's at.

I think I like hate prank. I'm not interested in pranks in any way.

Which as a kid, I did do some pranks like toilet papering people's houses or whatever.

But the thing of like when people would do pranks on me.

It's I would just be like fuck off, like any sort of I don't know, I'm trying to think. I didn't go to high school in the four I almost said, like, we'll be coaching, and I'm like, I didn't go to high school in the nineteen forties, but anything like you know what I mean? Or if you try to sit down, Sody, try to move your chair and.

I just, oh, that's not funny.

No.

That happened to me in fifth grade and it hurt really bad. When I hit the ground. It hurt really bad. And then everyone in my class was like ooh, and then everyone felt really bad. So it was this moment of like, here's what I think it is. I think it's a it's a young boyish energy of like.

We're gonna get them.

You're gonna get that person, right, But it's the shortsighted idea that this is no matter what we think of, it's gonna end in a laughs where it's like oftentimes when it goes into like physically harming a person or deeply shaming them in front of everyone that they want to like them, right, and especially in like when you're younger, when that all seems like it's in the balance, and then then it just becomes his life or death like horror horror show, Who did it to you?

What was their reaction.

It was the boy who had a crush on me who I didn't like, and so he was It was a little bit of like, now I'm going to be your tormentor, right, which it was a foolish let's just say it was a foolish move on Simon Casey's part.

Well, I got to say this, I had the foresight even as a child to punch up because I prank the shit out teachers.

Sure, yes, that's for sure, Yes, but I never.

Pranked other kids. Really, Ah, that's a lie. I mean, like again, I toilet pay, I rolled people's houses a few times, but that's not That's the dumbest prank of all time.

That's just like la prank.

Because you don't have like the instant when I think prank, it's like where you're standing watching where you do the thing, and then you're like, can't wait for your easy were small ones, right, that's the prank.

Right, Like I think I'm trying to think there was one prank that happened to me in college that I really that was really funny to me because I took it as this huge compliment that they had pre thought this whole stupid thing out right but now I can't think of what it was. All I knew is that the second it happened, I was like, oh my god, they're paying so much attention to me.

Then it had like a lot of planning.

Yes, it was a whole involved thing of like we all told this one lie and then we got you to do a thing. But it wasn't anything shaming or anything I cared about. Like whatever it was, it was like falling. But also my thing is what people don't understand is as as sas mouthed as I can be in bitch as I can be, I will fall for

I'm never going to that thing again.

You're making me feel better because there have been times where I said that to Peep, like I've people have done a thing to me. It's such an obvious lie apparently, and I'm like, yeah, okay, totally. And then the other people around me be like, I can't believe you fell for that. You're so and I'm like, I'm sorry. My default is not everyone is lying to me constantly, like that's supposed to be my attitude in the world.

And also if you're going to spend like if that's what it is, where it's like no this band or whatever, where you're like, it's just information that I don't give a shit about one way or another. You're not telling me I won the lottery or something. Oh you know what? It was the thing that the college thing my I

But I didn't. All I saw was a rattlesnake, and I.

Just moved backwards as quickly as I possibly could and slam the door really fast. So and they were laughing.

Were just putting you through like survival training. It wasn't even a prank.

And the thing as I passed, yeah, good news all around.

You could do well by yourself in the woods or whatever. Maybe that's all that was.

That's right, but like that's to me. That's why my fait I think in like top three favorite viral videos will always be the guy that punches the clown that pops out of the garbage can. It's a high school video.

I don't think I've seen that one.

It's the best, but I'm gonna now ruin it for you by describing it verbally to you. But it's a kid in high school, like a reporter being like talking to another kid at the high school. And it looks like he's talking to like an athlete, like a football player or something, this big black kid, right, and it's this little white kid going like, are you scared for Halloween? You're gonna a trick or treating? Asking questions and then behind them they have like a recycling sized garbage can,

They might call your bluff.

All right.

Having said all this, though, I do have to say I stay prank call and I was reping prank calls hard. I was doing on the phone all day currently not currently now, but like that, so that is separate from physical pranks. I was doing that all through school's.

Prank calling people. What would you say?

It depends Honestly, a lot of them ended up being like I just like talking so much that I would just be It would end up with me just talking to strangers. Oh okay, where I feel like a few. There was one time me and my friend Kevin stayed up. We were praying people and I can't remember what we were saying.

I mean, it was nonsense. It wasn't like you was a refrigerator running, but.

We would just try to. It would just turn into conversations because we would say something we thought was like nonsense. It did often backfire, but in a good way because the people would just answer and we'd be like, wait, what so.

Like you were taking a poll or something.

Yeah, but they would be like ridiculous goofy questions where we're like, this is so clearly a joke or a prank, and more often than not we'd get serious answers back, and then we.

Would just be like what okay, like and start talking. There were several nights where we would just end up yeah, just like all right, have a good night, Frank, like just.

Turn into like a little that's sad.

There was one time, this is kind of a left turn me and my friend Jeremy. This is gonna be so hard to explain for somebody who didn't grow up in the South, especially but my friend Jeremy, who was my high school boyfriend's brother, but I knew him forever. I had known him since like sixth grade, before I even thought of.

Dating his brother. Ever.

We were hanging out one night and he used to drive this pickup truck and he had a CBE radio in it. I grew up in Georgia. Everybody and he we would get on it all the time and like talk to truckers. It was hilarious to us because we and truckers and we're like teenagers and truckers say the foulest shit to each other on cebe radios and really do at the time. You know, this is like late nineties, like see be each other and be like.

I just drove by lady a huge ditch.

She's wearing whatever whatever and driving or whatever, like to tell other truckers like go.

Drive by hot ladies or whatever.

So one night we're listening to all these truckers talk to each other, and Jeremy had like a fake trucker name and he would get on and talk like he's a trucker.

And this guy was like, there was.

A party at whatever, and we went to the party. Now fully, he was like, what's the address? And it wasn't that far from us, and so we went to this party and it was like all these truckers like it ended up being fine, but we're like two kids driving up in this thing and it's like all these grown truckers what wait?

And it just sounds like something from True Detective.

It was at a house.

I mean it was like everybody was out in the lawn when we drove up, Like a ton of people were out on the lawn, do you know what I'm saying. Like it wasn't like we were like and.

Then we had walked through a dark alley together.

A party, like it was pretty public. But it was old, chucker, not old, but I mean adults, right, Like we were like sixteen, seventeen and they were in the thirties.

Oh they weren't.

They weren't like my parents agress Okay, okay, but you know, I guess maybe thirties. I don't know. You know how when you're seventeen, anybody older than you was just old.

Yes, But yeah, we just pulled up and we're like, what's up, guys, and like hung out at this party for a while. It was crazy and just because we had talked to them on a ceebee radio, Yeah, that was very danp never do that again, Okay, please, I won't do it again.

They were there's so many cross country truckers who've gotten away with murder because they're never in the same place twice.

Right, Well, sure, but this was like a residential house on a pretty average street.

That's how they hid.

And everybody was out in the like tons of people were out in the yard.

We didn't in the house. We just like stood out in the yard, like, hang, the reason you're here today. But then Jeremy had to be like, you know, whatever his truck. He had some big tough trucker name and had to walk up and be like, yeah, I'm fucking chunked steak or whatever. And they're like, okay, dude, you're seventeen.

Like yeah, that must have actually been really entertaining to them. Yeah, I mean.

When a lot of them too, didn't look like you know, they weren't like out of convoy or whatever.

I mean, it was just kind of regular.

Yeah, like when Roseanne became a trucker on Roseanne or was it Lori Metcalf I think it was.

Yeah, it was her sister.

Yeah, Jackie my my next door neighbor, Andy Whittington. Every day we would come home from school and oh, look who look who you made it. No, we're in, we're in, We're warm.

I feel like I should be quiet take the raids.

Okay, thanks for waiting this whole time. Welcome to do you need.

A r it is we're talking about pranks and crank calling and all the stuff that we did as children. And I was just saying my next door neighbor, Andy Whittington, when he was a big prankster himself, so like we lived way out in the country, he used to do a thing where one time, so our classic trick was we would take our mom's old purses that they didn't want anymore, and we'd go out into the field, fill them with cowshit and stick them in the middle of

Is amazing.

So this way o looney to Yeah, like Wyley Corot would have done this to the road runner.

This out the mind.

This is the mind of Andy Withington, who was my legendary next door neighbor. Who he was, He was the funniest person of all time. So then when our moms ran out of purses because we literally did it that many times, and we would be hiding up literally like twenty five feet up in a pine tree so that we could see. And there's one guy that got so mad he came back and was driving back and forth trying to find us or trying to find like he knew that somebody was watching. So he came back to

It was in the road. He was trying to help someone that.

He was being a good citizen that was going to steal someone's wallet.

But then we started.

Then we started wrapping up cowshit in gift boxes, so we would because there were no more purses, so we were taking old like you know, shirt boxes for mervins, filling them up with cowshit, then wrapping them in birthday and then we would just sticking in.

The stayed lousy with cash it though, because unlimited cash it that's all we had out there.

We had cowshit, and we had like one car an hour. So this was so worth it because you think of it, You're driving down a country road, right, there's a house every mile or half mile, like it's there's nothing out there. It's all farms and then you drive up and there's a birthday.

Present in the middle.

I'll get it.

I'll see what it is.

I might as well pick it up. It's a bunch of fucking shit, you bastard dealer.

Could you always hear their reaction? Were you close enough to him going it shit?

Ye?

Dammit.

I love pranks. I love it well this and now that I'm remembering it, like these were. I started on really quality ones, and then like as I got older, they just got dumber. Andy also sorry, but one time he took a jump rope, two orange cones that he had in his room, and a hard hat, and he stopped traffic on our street with a jump rope, putting a jump rope in two orange cones, and he literally did.

To wait here?

And he had just purely done it, to do it, just to marry this guy he is. He was truly one of the most fun people ever. Yeah, he was the best.

Was he's gone away?

Well no, we just don't.

We moved out of that house when I was a senior in high school, so we saw him less and less and then like, my you know, my.

Sister keeps marry him because he's dead.

Oh no, no, no, I mean I think he's married.

Probably you would not.

Who wouldn't lock that down? And he seriously was the greatest bullshitter of all time.

He really was.

He's as a like sixth grade boy stop traffic with justice hand and his energy, just like I'm a I'm some sort of road maintenance person that you have to listen to, and it's a jump rope.

I'll tell you.

The meanest thing that I know of that my Okay, my friend's Grace and Clark. In high school, they were younger, they were gread younger than me, and I could drive before them. So I was always the getaway driver when we had to like roll people's houses.

I was like.

Always their getaway driver, no questions asked. They would just be like, we want to do this thing to this person, will you drive us? And I'm like sure, Like it could have been coke deals like I was like, yeah, I'll drive you because I want to drive.

I'm sixteen.

That's how you get involved with a bank, Robbie. But I'm like a movie in the eighties.

Yes, I mean I was willing, like to drive.

Yeah, you guys are my friends. Whatever.

I mean, I've I've out I have had to outrun cops with them, for sure.

You've been wearing this mask because one of our presidents.

It's the attractive one.

I really have.

We we rold this house. I've told this on other podcasts or anything. But we because this one girl that was in their class that I didn't even know, they like, hated her so much that we rolled. I'm trying to condense it, but we rolled our house like so many times in a row that her dad hired private security.

Wait, what is rolling someone's house means a toilet?

That's what we call it, toilet paper?

Oh I didn't know that yet.

Yeah, toilet papering.

And so one night I really did have to outrun the cops and I had to like drive into a stranger's driveway and turn the lights off and like after driving like nine hundred miles an hour down the road.

It was intense, but did it, Yeah, totally.

I wasn't gonna get arrested, Like fuck that.

I outran the cops a few times as a kid. Which is the funny thing is that I never did anything like toilet papering. Who cares, but I did that so often. It's lettering, right, But I don't think that you go to jail or anything.

But they were.

This is how mean they are though, you guys.

I didn't find out about this till after the fact because apparently I think the girl lived within walking distance to Grace. But they had this girl in one of their classes that always wore like really ugly vests.

Like just terrible vests.

So like every day they would come out of whatever this class crying, laughing like dude, should have seen her vest today, And I'm like, okay, and as a joke, this isn't I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

Is so mean. Please know I had no nothing to do with this.

But they went to somewhere they bought like the ugliest vest they'd fine, and they wrapped it up like a present and left it on her porch and she wore it to school the next day.

She liked it. That's a prank.

Why does that make it more said?

That's a prank?

Turn No, I think she wins. She wins.

But I've never seen two people laugh harder than they did that day. And like they were just like can you believe it?

Like but yeah, so it was like mean but good.

They gave her a gift. I don't know, but they were just like, this is the most hideous thing.

Let's see if this.

Dork wears it. And like she totally was like looking at my cool vest.

But I ever asked, wasn't like who left this on my She was probably like someone loves me. This is beauty.

So that's like the meanest prank I've ever heard of my life. And my friends did it.

I have so many of these stories that I don't and they would all incriminate me. Oh but I'll tell some.

We'll jump in.

Well, me and my friends all lived above this bagel shop downtown. It's like ten of us lived in this apartment, and so you could see. We had a three sixty view of the entire downtown Missoula, and we had it was supposed to launch water balloons, but we would launch frozen bagels. I had cars and it would dent them. Oh yeah, yeah. One time a guy was asleep across

Did he know?

Did he react?

Another time we put poop under this guy's car door because he had skulls and lights all over his car and long stringy hair, and he looked scary. And then we watched him try and open his door, and then he smelled his fingers and he yelled at its poop and we all laughed, but later we felt bad.

I did that to a guy in high school.

Started, I just need to follow up. Course, did the guy who drank the beer pea No.

No, most of it was beer. He enjoyed it and drank all of it.

Okay, so that's the best situation where that pranke didn't work.

We later found the empty bottle around the corner. We knew he either poured it out and set it upright or he drank it and said that was refreshing.

He said, that's the most delicious beer I've ever had.

I have to go back to you, heckling the other guy with a megaphone, Yeah, like, what are you yelling?

When we were filming it too, These are all we were I think we were. We could have been jackass, but we didn't know that was a thing.

Were you like a skateboard crew? We were the skateboard situation.

We were the front street mob. Yes, yeah, we had stickers.

I've seen your stuff.

And the guy parked in Andy's parking lot, and we put poop under his door nail, door nail, doorknob. He had a doorknob on its very old car, model Tea with a doorknob handle, door handle. I did.

There's a guy in high school that was super mean to me, and me and my friends knew he was going to be on a date, and we put we soaked. We weren't L seven style, they weren't real, but we soaked tampons and cherry kool aid and put them under both of his door handles. So when him and his date went to get in the car, they thought they had a handful of used tampons.

Oh wow, that's great.

Yeah, my cousin Cheryl got in trouble.

I should have put Brownie max under the guy's store head.

Now you know.

My cousin Cheryl got in trouble when she was in high school, which was like the late seventies, because she and her friends unpeeled a bunch of Maxi pads and stuck them to a guy in her class's conversion van that he had just had painted like metallic midnight blue. And so when he pulled the Maxi pads off. It just ripped the paint off. So they did Maxi pad style like a like a tepee thing to be flirty and cute, and they ended to have a to pay

I would tell her like, I'm gonna go roll these people's houses because she had a Costco membership, and I was like, can I go to Costco with you next time get some extra toilet paper? And she was like, oh, yeah, totally because she was like as long as you're just doing that. She was like, never at anybody's house or never do anything where I'm gonna get sued because you yes, and she was my mom. I never drank and my

I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna go out and roll those people's house.

I would tell my mom that and she was just like, it's all as long as the cops don't If the.

Cops call me, I'm not your mom, I don't know you.

But if the cops don't call, cool, like do whatever you need to do. So she was not a possible with that.

That's just her old roommate.

Yeah, I mean she was like, I'm not bailing out of jail, so don't get caught.

But yeah, go do it toilet paper.

Yeah, for sure, have a good time.

But that was the only Yeah, she warned me against things we wanted to do something where we it was the same kind of thing though, where she was like, don't do that, that's going to take the pain off. Or we were going to do something to somebody's driveway and she was like that's going to bleach their driveway, don't do it. Yeah, she always I did run a few pranks by my mom and to be like is

And then yeah, like bullshit begins. It's because it's all well and good and most of the time, it's flirting. Like most of the time when people are pranking someone else's because they want their attention, I mean not skateboard crew.

No, I was flirting when I quit syrup in there before the mustard, and that was a bit of a flirt, a little sweet before that was yeah, hey mix it up mustard noticing this, Uh.

What if the inside of the car had like white like pleather seats and there was a white car really, so it could have had a serious mustard stain on.

The sad part about it all is these are people that had bigger problems. I mean, the guy was sleeping on a bench and you were.

You were punching down.

For We saw him often, and he was a bad person during the day, yelling at people. He was asleep, and we saw the opportunity great and spot crack was all the way out, So lesson learned. Yeah, why not put condiments in there?

This is a hard left. But you look very tan.

Oh can you think?

Yeah, have you been on a beach vacation?

I got bit by a spider there. Wait, and that's poison traveled there and now I have a weird that.

Wait, you have to go to the doctor.

Yeah, no, ship it's a spider.

No, no, if that's a brown recluse. Second, bad news.

You have to But it was arm amputated.

It hurt the other day, but it's getting better now.

Not normal.

I know they're weird.

Can you pull your sleep up please?

Okay, you guys listen. It looks like a shark bite. I mean there, it's like this weird mark and of perfect halt.

Yeah, it is weird. I thought maybe I got bruised by a tennis racket or played volleyball in my sleep.

Again, you have to go to the doctor also, because that the thing with box on it.

Yeah, so you're right, Yeah, there is comedy first, it's no, it's strite, don't.

You're right to write some new jokes about losing your arm.

Okay, that's doctor being a.

Here's my impression of a teapot again. Yeah, boo, I lost my arm. I lost my arm for this.

So I have a lot of people.

Who was that comic that used to riggan? He had a hook, Roger Rittenhouse written House.

He's one of the funniest comics there is.

He is very funny and but one night at MBAR somewhat he there was a lull in his set and someone said, how'd you lose your hand? And I everyone got quiet. I know that the guy thought that. He's like, oh, he's got to have a great story about this, and he was some drunk guy, but he's like he just really used the ability right then to make the guy feel bad by just going wow, yeah, it's wow. Uh yeah,

You know, this is extra weird because what do.

I get if it starts before my elbow? I can't just get a hook.

It's just when did last night? I slept on the couch.

When I was lying in bed last night, I saw two at separate times. I saw one giant centipede millipede something with a trillion legs for real, crawling down one side of the wall. So I was like, oh, that's weird. And then like five minutes later I saw another one. So I was like, not sleeping in this room tonight, and like and slept on the couch because like that was so gross to me.

But those can't bite you. You have to go to the doctor.

You guys are acting like I did something wrong, not the doctor. I'm not worried about it all right.

Now, don't you have a low pain tolerance? Yes, like you don't feel it, is what I'm saying.

I think a high tolerance for it.

High tolerance, right, Yeah.

I have low pain sensory exactly, so you could actually be in more pain than you.

I don't know, though I always complain about pain. I acknowledge that it's that I show it to people and then I don't do anything about it. All right, My hip is hurt for years. I know I should get surgery.

But now you got some spider blights that I mean, I've never seen anything that looks.

Like I just want to see what develops next.

Okay, great, then let's have fun.

Looks like Wisconsin.

Right now, it looks like Wisconsin. When it starts to look like the uss of r that's when we will call an ambulance.

How about that?

Yeah, let's judge it by how much of asia it becomes. I've been having dizzy spells. No, I'm kidding. I'm fine. I don't think it was a brown recluse, did you?

How would you know. Did you have.

I've had, I've been met by brown recluse. We had them in my basement grown up.

Really yeah, and you know what exactly what it looks like.

Yeah? Yeah. They looked like a hobo spider or a domesticated house spider. I'm very similar, but well lit markings will let you know, and size are actually smaller. You do not want, You do not want to recluse sauce you don't want.

Did you have a party on Fourth of July weekend?

Well? I didn't want you guys to see me all drunk? Yes, I did. I didn't invite anyone n party.

She was bringing it up because she's offended.

No, no, I wouldn't. I knew I was invited, invited me.

I should invite. It was really fun, but I.

Couldn't go anywhere. I had to work through through the whole weekend. I did nothing from Thursday to Tuesday mornings.

Oh yeah, yeah, because my time we were going to podcast.

That's right, But but I thought maybe that's why you were so tan or something like. I went was it a razor? Did you stay outside?

I went to the Andy's pool. I went to andy Wood's pool party. Oh nice, and kind of burned myself. Yeah, that's where it came from. Any that's the sun.

Any fun comedy names to name from that pool party? Mm?

People that we should know, people you need to watch.

Yeah, I have a fun name who because I went to Hardwick's on the fourth of July and Ryan Adams was there.

Oh, there was a lot.

Of other like fabeo.

But he walked and I was like what, because of course he's head to sow denim cool pool party attire, that's right. Also because I was wearing I loved a fart T shirt and he applauded it, literally clapped, and I was like, you're a fan of farts?

I don't.

Yeah, he was real psyched about it. He was cool, but it was just weird because he walked in and I was like, what, you guys are friends?

Like what? Yeah, I wouldn't know what he looks like.

He's like an indie rock dude.

He was cool, but he was He was wearing his jean jacket the whole time and everyone was in the pool and stuff.

So it was just that kind of like I was.

Totally indie rock or does he maybe listen to his kind of crappy rock.

I don't.

I don't know much about him other than once we got no weird Twitter argument about Morsey or something, and.

Then even Ryan Adams. Oh Ryan, did you say Brian or Ryan?

I said Ryan, But oh but Brian. Also. I wonder what he's doing right now.

I thought you said, does he listen to indie rock or his crappy rock?

She said Ryan Adams was dressed like an indie rocker guy, And I was making a joke.

Oh, I get it, I get it, I got it. I thought you were saying, what would you is.

He like an Would you say he's more alt country or something? Is he more he reminds me of like an old ninety seven's This dude, isn't that kind of his stees?

I've never been too into him.

I think it's his I like, I like a lot the music. It's just kind of music for boring people.

I mean, he's he was a nice guy, I'm sure, but I thoroughly disagree.

It's a real count point counterpoint.

I love him.

I really love rhy now music I listened to. I have tons of.

Friends that are like crazy and him would put him in it is like Damien Rice.

No, I think that guy's more chill, and who do you like? Three eleven? Oh, I don't dislike him, I just don't. Let's hear something.

No, there was a guy, yeah, so I went to hard.

I'm sorry, did you really want to do it? I feel like I talked. You should be talking more. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, he can't talk because of the spider poison and gotten up to his voice growing weak.

I'm growing weak here. Maybe this water will help talk amongst yourselves.

Were you look so tan and healthy other than the markings on your arm.

I'll go away.

I'm gonna put mustard down the back of your pants.

I I'm gonna yell at you from a megaphone at a great height, tell you to go to the doctor.

You're about to get pranked.

By one of the times, though of these guys crawled up the wall, and there was a big fight on the roof. So our pranks.

One of the people on the street that you, Yeah, there was.

A way to get up there, but we didn't think they'd figure it out. But you could shimmy. There's poles next to a wall, and they shimmy up like Batman. And then these cowboys were on the roof, get punched, and get someone punched him. There's punches. I didn't get punched. I think.

It's a little brown clue spider on your table.

I went and I took a nap under someone's our pit. Someone learned in time that's when I strike when you don't know him.

There, I meant to tell you. So this show that I'm working on right now, there's a time travel element to it. So this might be secret. So don't anybody listening tell anybody else. But they brought in a physicist to talk through what is the known quantities of time travel, like what the theories are, what is known about it or whatever, and just to give us kind of like a very basic primer of like how it may or

Oh wow.

He apparently has a bunch of YouTube videos that are really popular where he explains, yeah, he's a physicist or a some you know, like very high level sciences.

Wow.

But he was really young and he was super like like cute, and I can't explain it. He looked like he would be work at ari I, but he was a fucking physicist.

Every One in Missoula looks like they're at Aria. Really, they just came from them. Everyone has mud splattered on their face.

Yeah, and a carabiner on their belt loop, But it's just for holden keys.

It's the other one that's that's a novelty key carabiner.

But they got the real.

The one at home with the ropes.

That's right, I've never heard I just learned the name of that. Are you talking about the like heavy duty hook thing just now?

Is not a good word carabiner. Carabineers spell that c R I B E N E R. Why is it called that and not a hook? Chris, I'll let you take this one. Well, I was probably wrong on the spell.

That's for mountain climbers.

In mountain climbing there also is hooks. So they had to come up with a new name for the thing that wasn't a hook. It's more of a loop clasp. And then loop last was too hard for people to say so, and then then one of the Latino guys, well a lot of the guys they are racist. But the guy that thought of it, he was trying to name it, and then someone said, oh, I don't care, and then they called them a racial.

No you're gonna say beaner, No you did. That's crazy, a racist term from the eighties.

I don't know where kra Beiner comes from.

We got I got in insane trouble one day. My aunt, I thought, was going to hit me in the face because I said that term. I'd heard it on the playground in like third grade, and I thought it was like somebody just kept calling other people beaners, and I just thought it was like nickname type of thing. So I just said it in passing, literally like look at those two beaners. And my aunt like, oh no, yeah, lammed on the brakes and was like, what do you

My dad slapped me once when I said a word that I had heard of friends.

That's the way we learn as kids, or did back then.

Yeah, he didn't slap me very much, and I was like, oh, you can't say that. Yep. I'm like, yeah, I know, you hit my face.

Yeah.

The only time my mom slapped across the face went when I said fuck, yeah, I was like, though, sixteen and I said fuck in front of she slapped me right across the face.

Shit. Yeah, I had a tense mine was light.

I think, no, I knew what I was doing. I was like, what about.

Full hand he curled the fingers together. Yeah, it was more of a paunch. Come on, he's listening.

Oh, but anyway, I just wanted to tell you about that because he I thought he was from like us LA or something, this physicist, and so then they were like where he was at the University of Montana.

And he's young, young to where I wouldn't know him.

I mean, I was going to ask them that I was honest too embarrassed, WHI of my cheeks were super red because he was so cute. And here's that this was the power move he made when of the very first because everyone in that room, there's a ton of really smart guys that work on the show, like went to Harvard and ship, so they immediately start to engage him.

Of like.

He was like, well, I'm just here to you know, answer your questions. And then one guy goes, do you think that we are living in a simulation and immediately, without going like h or anything, he goes, if we are, if we aren't, it doesn't matter, and I just like my heart exploded with love of like the confidence, and he knew he'd been asked this question. He knew it's just like, if it is, he said, if it is a simulation, it is so accurate and so realistic that

Because it's it seems realistic. But the reality is you're in some dank laboratory, plugged into a chair. Right.

Could be that, yeah, could be? That depends on which matrix you've seen.

You I haven't seen any of them.

I watched the first one, and there's someone deaf in the audience. So they had the close captioning on during the movie, which popped up right before the line, and I was already laughing at the fact that that's the guy from Bill and Ted and everyone loves this movie. And that's still the guy from Bill and Ted. And then at one point he goes oki dokie, but it said oki doki at the bottom way before he said it,

He's not a good actor, no, but I've.

Seen enough videos of him moving aside on a subway to let someone sit down and give money to people. And he's very charitable.

He was very he was very good.

Why r Aaron?

You've heard though, He's like, He's like, well, I'm going to pay the whole crew with my own money.

Which is wonderful, and I'm not knocking that, but a lot of that comes from the guilt of being like, I am not talented enough to be here, but I have to give this money away.

Wait, let a lady sit down on the subway bus.

But let me say, have you seen Parenthood?

Yeah?

Yeah, And I think that's when he started as Bill and Tead or whatever, and then Parenthood people went, oh, yeah, he can actually do something, and but he That's the thing about acting is that it isn't like American acting is about can you get people to buy a movie ticket? And all you need, all Kennedy Reeves needs to do to get people buy a movie ticket is to say, because they want to watch him on that screen.

Take off your shirt.

Okay, it's the way he looks, it's his physical beauty he is. Sometimes he's just a kind of Yeah, he's tall, and he's built, and he's got that beautiful kind of neutral face that could.

Be from you don't know who, I know exactly.

I have never found him attractive for one second.

There's this new movie that's cartoonishly. He just kills everyone. John Wick, john Wick, Jonathan Wick.

It's John Wick.

Jonathan h.

Wick is a newer filming Dickens's novel.

Johnny John boy Wick is this movie that you could see that is horribly done. And he there's a couple of times. I don't know if he gets necking in it, but uh, it seems like has been like eating bread and not going to the gym. And I respect that. He's like, I'm not going to get into shape for this.

Well, but he's also.

Like fifty, but he has he ever been a muscle.

I think he was like wiry he's a skinny guy.

Because I mean I've seen it's like Point break. He's not the guy's surfing.

He's not like a football movie where he got all big and football ly big.

Oh yeah, was that that movie Johnny Foot?

It's called us?

What if every movie he just said the name john in it?

Somehow?

Bill and Wick, Johnny Bill.

And Johnny Wick? All right, I know, yeah, I like a Google pictures will. I will watch Can Ripped and then I'll do it right now.

I think he's a classic American actor and that he's a bad actor that still is in a ton.

Of mom One eight hundred number called me three times and in two minutes should I call him back?

It's the doctor being like, why aren't you here? It's the spider saying I left my stinger in.

Every one of my bites has worked, and I saw you leave the apartment today.

He has a total free number.

Listen. I think I did some real damage to your arm. Chris. I'm sorry. I go a little spider crazy at night. I'm hungry and scared. I'm very small.

Sometimes I feel like my own venom is going to my head. Anyway, you can call me back at my spider phone. It's or you can contact me on the web.

Come on, no, I say earlier.

I don't understand why people are like well placed puns. It's I thought it was you guys were rejoicing over the toll free thing. I came in with the web and it was there's a shot.

Applause clause by applause.

I focus on the audience that doesn't like me in a huge room, even one guy with his arms crossed. This whole act is dedicated to you. Keanu ripped. Let's see what pops up. Images you want images or video video. You're gonna get it. Oh boy, there we go.

You're gonna get ache his head.

It's just being in the same shape as me. Yeah, I needed that for contrast. It's just great podcasting. What I've pulled up is ato of Keano with my exact current physique. There's him as a homeless park murderer. And then okay, okay, okay, you just wait.

I think he's fun, he's fresh, fine, I think he brings new stuff to the screen.

He's certainly won me over.

He's so fresh, exciting. Have you they're so exciting to me? Okay, his arms would kind of stay.

That's from Johnny Football, right, Yeah.

This is him doing some Johnny football promo stuff. Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Football Game. It's called.

And Jimmy Jimmy Football jam Jimmy Football Game. That hit movie from nineteen ninety two.

Wasn't I yet Unfortunately went straight to vhs when DVDs are already out there.

Jimmy and Jimmy Football Game.

I watched one where he's coaching a children's baseball team.

Yes, that's a good one.

It was great. It's a good movie, like Ladybugs or something.

Yeah, it was Lady Bugs.

Ask.

Yeah, it's great. You gotta see it.

What is that movie?

Baseball? Johnny Baseball, Johnny Sea, Johnny Baseball, Johnny and the Kids is one of the better. It's the current, it's modern day saying a lot.

Here's the thing. When Kenna Reeves acts like he's falling in love with whoever he is across from in the lead, whatever lady he's acting with. I always believe he's actually really falling in love with her. That's why I like it. Okay, I think he might actually be. He just lets himself actually go through it.

You might you think he might be a fall in lover guy.

Well, I just it's so believable, But it doesn't seem like he really is like such a high level actor that you're like, this is really happening, because normally when he's talking, you don't have that feeling.

I have a feeling that with Keano anything goes. Actually it doesn't matter any and you're you're sex or your race or age. He's just in. He's in to win, you know, don't you think that just just well, if you're a grown of people that he sits inside.

Of, sure, it just takes what comes. He's so non sexual to me, I feel like you don't.

Say something different if he's standing next to you.

It's a physical specimen.

Think about him.

No, yes, I don't find him a tray. He has no like he has like a kendle crotch.

As far as I'm concerned, there's please up the nude.

Ready to go.

Again I have.

I'm complete indifferent. I don't like him.

I don't hate him, but I've never he was definitely not a guy that I was like, oh my god, is he hot?

I I want't remind every when I started this by saying I went to the matrix and pointed and laughed with the rest of the theater at him.

Yeah, there's We went to see Constantine when it came out, which was a lesser known.

Isn't that the Devil or something?

I can't remember. It was based on a comic book, so it was. It was very reminded. It was just him walking around the gun there's vengeance. He may have been the devil. I don't all I can tell you. He was very boring and and my ex used to say he used to go, I'm Doug Constantine. He just made it. He just made it up that that was Constantine's first name was Doug. So he would do a Cannery's voice and go, I'm Dog Constantine.

My favorite thing of all time.

I like Doug cuts. I do too. It's a great character.

You kind of have to make it fun for yourself.

Sorry.

Speaking of pranks, I was at Comic Con for the Constantine panel, and is his first name Doug. No, It's John.

It's John.

No.

So my buddy and I I go, we have to yell because I love point break on a bash. Yeah, so I was like, we have to yell Johnny Utah at him. Yes, because they yelled the movie it's great.

It's the stupidest name ever.

Of course, so uh, Keanu gets up to the stage, the crowd goes wild, it gets quiet. Then all of a sudden, I stand up and yelled Johnny Utah at the top of my lungs. You know, my buddy did not do it, so.

He bailed and you were on your own. And then what happened? It was fine, no one did.

Maybe I don't know, ke just like, yeah, I don't know if you could hear it. I wasn't that far.

But well, I hope you quit being with that guy.

So your friend sucks.

Yeah, you don't bail when you're going.

Your friends funny, Sure, sure, I'll do it with you.

That's totally something worse.

And then your tyranny's not even there.

I don't like that at all.

You know what I did once that I was that guy, the anti Johnny Utah guy, but in a slightly different scenario. We uh, this was back up my friend Rubin who directed the Girl's Guitar Club movie. This is back when we were making that. Ruben Fleischer and his younger brother Lucas, who I adored and thought was so cute, and we all decided their friend had made a stage musical or like they were doing a stage version of Xana do a roller They were gonna do a roller skating like

I left him hanging.

That's terrible, and I didn't. It was the kind of thing where they came to pick us up, was me and mary Lynn and Ruben and Lucas. And when he got out of the car, he had he looked so beautiful to this man was so cute that I had this. Of course, my terrible little self Esteemore is like, only he doesn't give a shit if I wear a dress or not, like, and I couldn't bring myself to like not wear basically the outfit that I'm wearing now and

It weekly, oh, you don't stop whinsing.

I've never stopped whin saying. And we had this the whole rest of the night. It was as if it was as if suddenly it made sense to me where it was like, oh, he was excited to do this thing with me, and I couldn't accept that, like or I couldn't see that, so I just had to be like, oh,

I doubt he is a family in Cleveland.

That's really mean. I have dogs. God, damn, my life is a waste.

No, it's okay. I'm the other guy in that story. My life is equally sad.

Do you know what I mean?

So nobody wins.

You're the guy in the tuxedo.

Yes, So being overly enthusiastic also gets you know where. This is what I'm here to tell you. So don't feel bad, man.

Yeah, if you put yourself out there, you get hurt. If you don't put yourself out there, you still get hurt.

Yeah.

Yeah, life's filled with regret. Yes, it is the only thing you can do is as a kid, get taught to have your so your expectations lowered. You never get disappointed.

Who who was smart enough to do that?

You'll never nothing?

And then you put like Manaiah will mayonnaise and his pipe.

Or wait until he's asleep, slathered him.

Up, yelled at him in his rocking chair.

Yep, it went into a bullhorn or whatever made his hair go back, like is it live or is it memory?

I put a cat tail under the rocking chair and the cat screeched and then and then his hair got blown back like Christopher Lloyd.

One of my earliest memories is my mom used mayonnaise to put to as a conditioner in her hair. I had it because of that. I cannot stand mayonnaise.

My aunt REENI did the same thing.

You've seen me do ridiculous things with a tuna solad sandwich. Right, how many times have you seen me like drake because I liked I like a tuna salad sandwich every once in a while, But when they put extra maynaise on it dress me crazy and I'll like ask be specific. They still do it. Then I take all this time and make scenes wiping mayonnaise off of things because it's so disgusting.

My dad made me one as a kid. And if I have leftover turkey from Thanksgiving on bread with nothing but mayonnaise. If I took a bite of that, I will it will trigger my I will vomit. It will.

I can't because is such a bad sandwich.

I don't eat. No, it's just such a bad experience. Then that it's still I haven't grown out of it.

Oh yeah.

One time my great grandma made We went to Coronado, drove all the way down and it's San Diego basically, and we were all at a picnic in the backyard eating this coal saw and I remember it was really mayonnaisey.

Coal saw has such a just it's just mayonnaise.

Cabbage veiled excuse to drink mayonnaise. It's just a mayonnaise vehicle, yep, and cabbage. What is that? It's like water and mayonnaise.

Basically, it's the hardest lettuce.

And I looked at my Daddy's lip is bleeding, and then I spit out, but there's glass in my mouth. My grandma dropped the mayonnaise jar and she's like ninety five. She's like, ah, it'll be fine, and she's still made the cold saw with that mayonnaise, so we all had shards of glass either in our mouth. I don't think anyone swallowed it yet. Yeah, just on the heels of

Oh my god.

Trying to pull it out, the earthworm was snapping in half. We camped in the backyard and worms got in her hair. It's still that. One time my slicster slid across the floor, the wood floor, and a splinter went into her foot and it looked it was the half length of the baseball bat and it went up in her foot. So many things I've watched happened in my shister. Were you guys sorry? We were just doing risky business.

Slides in our socks, the music and everything. Were you the only other person there when that happened?

Oh, when the splinter went in her foot? I don't know, because.

I'm just saying, did you have to yake it out? Yeah?

Like, were you left to then deal with this horror show that, like EMTs would bum out.

I think I probably just went and hid.

The gnarliest thing that happened to me is I gotten a gnarly bike accident. When my parents first got married, my mom first married my stepdad, we moved into his house and it was at the It had a really steep driveway, so I'm like bike tricks all day. So I would just constantly ride my bike as fast as possible without like hands free, yeah whatever, like any daring thing I can think of, I'm like, I'm gonna do this.

Clearly, I'm like, holy shit.

Screaming, So my mouth was still open when I hit the pavement. Nobody can see what I'm doing, but basically I slid face first on the pavement. Mouth open teeth, teeth to pay teeth too. That's why I saw white marks on these teeth. I was like eight or nine maybe for an extended period of time, just sparks coming off my teeth.

I beg you, if you listen to this podcast, you care about me at all, you can make a cartoon of eight year old aprom Orchardson who's sliding on her own teeth.

Just body.

Yeah, so I'm like doing above head above, head fully flipped over, so white sparks. I had to go inside you guys, it's my entire face was just a scab, my mouth, everything, and my stepdad had to I had to be mouth wide open and he had to take Q tips and pick gravel out of my gums.

There was like gravel stuck in my gums. Not a lie. It was the gnarliest day of my life.

And I had to go to school for however long until my entire scabbed face healed.

My lips are just a scab. It was so gross.

Yeah, like.

Q tips just being like, let me get the last bits of the dental assistant bird is picking gravel going.

I hate my job.

What a living Yeah, they always said.

Hey, it's a paycheck bub Hey.

Yeah, you can still see the marks of my teeth.

And I already have soft teeth anyway, and I used to chip them all the time as a kid and take my mom's nail file and straighten them out.

What true, totally true.

They're fine. No, they're perfect teeth.

They're not good tee, they're good teeth. The bottom of these two is like really rigid. But I chipped them all the time as kids. As a kid, and like if it got like my tongue would be like, oh, that's weird, it's not smooth enough, and my tongue would kind of catch on it, so I'd be like mom's nail file.

I actually did that because I'd chipped this tooth on a beer bottle in high school. Hello. I told my mom I fell and hit it on the curb, which I was just like you, I know you're not believing this, but I can't tell you. I chipped it on a beer bottle, and then I chipped my other tooth on another beer bottle.

Yeah, so that's why I'm opening them with your teeth.

No. One. The first time it was high school senior trip in Tahoe. Me and my friend Patty Leoni. This was such a good lesson to learn. We were both singing into a beer bottletop or just drunk, drunk in this house by the lake, and I we were I'm sure it was like something that a different part, so I kept We were like grabbing the bottle away from each other to sing into the bottle at each other.

Teeth stories are making me.

They're kind of rough.

Well, after I did the bike thing, I had braces for like five years.

Just see a couple of stories. Now I'm going to describe my circumcisions where you fellows out.

There's something to me about when you are perfectly healthy and fine in the in the today, being able to tell a story about some hideous shit that happened when I was a kid, because like I remember anytime, like I you know, anytime anything happened to me, like I beefed it on my bike constantly, or you know, there was the time I almost got hit by the car

Sure.

So one time I called my parents out with they had company over and then we were like watch us ride our bikes. We were like I was probably five or six, and I was at the top of the O'Hara's looking down at my parents, and I can see my mom going like this, but I wasn't like really paying attention because I'm trying to like get the speed up. Well, they could hear the car that was coming right and

See.

It's stories like that that make me second guess ever being able to be a parent. Seriously, like the idea if I have a kid and the kid comes in like hey you gotta chip this, growl on be like you're on your own kid, get out of here, Like that's gross.

I can't look at that, Like yeah, y are you able to do it?

Yeah? Yeah, that's horrifying. I always that's those are my nightmares that think about my teeth falling out, and then during the day just awake maares, I think about getting hit by cars. All the time. Yeah, like I'll just flash, I just think about it.

But see, you're living my nightmares because my nightmares are getting bit by spiders in my sleep.

Oh it's not so bad.

So look you're going to tell me that you can triumph.

Yeah, did you even look up on the internet? What that's hopcific that we.

All know that's not what you're supposed to do with any medical problem. You know, go online.

That's true.

You go to a dermatologist and then he's like, uh, yeah, it looks like you got a bit by a spider. Unfortunately, your insurance doesn't kick in until you pay nine thousand dollars. But there's some antibioducts you maybe need or not need. Did you say it was worse the other day? Huh, that's getting better. I don't know why you came in. Well, you're an idiot. And what's the patch on your head? Now? That's interesting?

Now there cancer?

Now that is not alopy. I watched a lethal weapon the other night, and man, that mel Gibson had tons of alopecia patches like me, just all over his head. Really, hair is all wild and.

Right, what do you mean like just a bald patch like you know.

Yeah, I have this one up here, and that's weird.

I've never seen that his perfect circle bald patch, Chris, I've never seen that.

It's weird. And white hair have been putting Bosley Institute stuff on it, just growing in a white tuft of hair. That's Isn't that weird?

This has a secret tiny monk.

Patch because.

I knew about it the entire time. I just thought you knew about it. And then one day at work I said something about it, and Chris was like, what are you talking about?

You have a little quarter sized perfect circle bald spot.

And then I went to my haircutter and he was like, yeah, I've known about that.

Reason I just thought you knew.

No, it's yeah, but it.

Also doesn't make sense because you have the densest, you have the most hair of any buddy.

I don't. It's still I mean, it still falls out. It's just dense follicles in the tub. No, it's just individually.

We're supposed to fall out of the circle.

My hair never used to. I could pull on it, but now yeah, I run my hair, hands through my I run my hair through my fingers. It's yeah, And now yeah, I don't know what. But yeah, mel Gibson alopecia spots, yeah all over and he became a star.

Yeah that's not the end.

Of the story.

Yeah, that's not the lesson you should learn from mel Gibson.

You know what, It's weird in that movie. There's some improv lines and uh, we're all right. Yeah, he says something that an Asian guy's about to torture him and he says, who who who's the chin or chance? I don't know what he Yeah, basically the Asian equivalent of that on on a movie.

Yes, back then they kept it in you see. Back then that was not a big deal at all.

I mean, so a scene where these little kids are playing they got to check out some guy's house, it blows up and then so they're interrogating these cute little kids and and they're describing the guy's tattoo and then it's the same as mel Gibson's. And so the story gets thicker. You eventually find out it's scary busey. But anyway, these kids there are these cute little black kids and then they're like, we heard the cops shoot black people. And he was like, looks over at the other this

I wanted to Dan Glover in the scene.

Yes, he was the one asking them questions.

Glover, that's actually meaningful.

I wanted to grab a clip of it. Maybe I will. It's on Netflix.

That's amazing.

It is amazing because he awkward because he's next to a bunch of white dudes. Yeah. Nice, Like, let's not talk about that ever, not for a few years ago.

Oh my god. Yeah, we'll be talking about it pretty soon.

Yeah. Well, I mean not that we have to go into talk about that. I don't feel like.

I I watched a documentary on Netflix.

Sad that's all.

Yeah, Yeah, I mean I don't know what else there is to say about that, other like what can we say as white people?

We can support Yeah, we support m H. Should I tell the story about our text exchange?

Yes?

Please mine and yours?

Yes?

Which one?

April?

I don't know what the story is. If there was a there was a protest, a peaceful vigil, there was a Pan Pacific park.

Yesterday, and April.

Texts me and goes hey, should we go to this and it's a little flyer for you know, like it's a peaceful it's a peaceful protest for the shootings and the stuff whatever. And I said, this is going to sound so lame, but I have to podcast then, and she writes back, Okay, that's cool. I'll tell all the black people.

Ah ah and I.

So fucking hard. It's so true. Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry that basically the revolution has begun and if people are standing up for your rights, but I have to go podcast. Sorry, no kidding, just kidding.

It was the perfect jokes, perfect joke for our podcast, one of the widest podcasts out there.

Baron Vaughan was our second guest.

Yeah, come on, that counts.

Yes, that was in nineteen ninety seven.

Yeah, we have to have him back. I gotta go downtown and do a comedy concert.

Oh yeah, how long are we way over?

Yes?

Aaron's like, get me out of here.

Thank you, Aaron, thank you, April. Sorry I was late. I'm a terrible driver. It's okay, not the best person.

I think it went out.

This was this is a thematic show.

Yeah, yeah, I pray, I'm hey, my favorite just don't do it with your friends. Do it with strangers and don't do it with frozen bangles. But it's always great when someone calls your landline if you still have one, and you just pick up and go karate school. That's what David Habsburger. We had a landline because it came with our internet. So whenever it rang, it's like, oh boy, and he'd run over and go karate school already time he didn't change it up. It was always karate school.

So it's so good because you don't have to name a karate school. There's just the one in your town.

Karate school. That's great. I guess I have the wrong number.

That's a good one. Who can we plug business class for this coming month? Sadly, Chris Fairbanks will not be Yeah, the upcoming business.

Class Yeah tomorrow, I mean right.

Now, Wednesday, July eleventh. No thirteenth, thirteen. It's always the thirteenth.

Yeah, you're breaking your you were going to be one doodoos on every show yet demand there.

You got to stack that paper out there, Yeah, it hit the bricks. Toss some papers on some porches. I have a paper opp.

So Chris has does do his papers, but if you want to please come. This will be the Improv Lab ten pm, Wednesday, July thirteenth. Yes, April Richardson, Karen Kilgaraff hosting business class and some some great comedy luminaries such as Blaine Capach will be there.

That's great.

One of the funniest comics ever. Chris Hardwick will be there. Everybody knows him and everybody loves him. Jay Wingarten will be there.

Oh I don't like him? Fun fine to change it up?

Uh? Ahmed Weinberg is going to be back in is going to be there. It's gonna be so fun. It's a really good chest fun.

Well, go to that. Thanks for going to this with your ears.

Yep, you came on down with your ears.

Yeah, and you get to leave with them too.

Bye.

Listening to do you need a ride? D y N and R.

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we.

Want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and day turning on engage.

We want to send you off in soil.

We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared or was it fine? That porn?

The the Mottle Barle.

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need a ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need with Karen and Chris