Ep. 85 - Karen and Chris

Are you leaving a you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a Turnino and gay.

We want to send you off InStyle. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Colgaroff.

We are coming to you live from a sound proofed quiet prius.

Don't lie.

Okay, we're in a studio and it feels.

Good and it's where we should be.

It feels good, and it sounds good.

It sounds so much better.

It sounds safe.

I feel better when we're in this room.

Me too. I look forward to it more.

I look forward to it forward.

Is that isn't my Montana accent? No?

No'm that's just my pretend theater accent.

I went to many places with accents the last couple of weeks.

What are you named for?

One was Norfolk, Nebraska. Yeah, not Virgina. No, not Virgina. And the next was Tyler, Texas.

What are you going to give a sample of the accent from Norfolk?

Oh it was just you know, it wasn't that it was in the Midwest, but it wasn't like FARGOI okay, and so I can't. It was so subtle that I can't do it.

Do they say hues instead of uh coke?

They say pap oh pap, I don't. That's I was not offered a soda.

Oka or okay. Number two. It was not Oh well Tyler, Tyler Texas.

The people and Tyler how they is? Oh yeah, it was gentle.

Oh the kind of talk real sweet.

They have houses there like you you can pull an entire audience and they won't. No one will admit to being a Trump supporter. But in Tyler, Texas, there were houses that could only be referred to as compounds made of corrugated metal, like handmade with homeschooled children and chickens, and then a giant like metal Trump sign on the side of the house, like serious about it, right? I was like, Oh, there's at least it's real. There are real people.

I'm banking that those people are going to forget to vote.

Yes, I think it might slip their mind, like they're going to get into the signage and they're going to get into the spirit. Yeah, but then when it comes down to voting day, don't say what day it is.

It might yeah, yeah, they might be.

That's my hope.

Yeah, they can't remember to give corn feed to the chickens.

That's right.

Norfolk was great though. That's where Johnny Carson is from, and it's a town of only twenty four thousand, but they worship Carson. He's on everything because he kept coming back and giving money to the town and building theaters. And I didn't I had to keep it to myself that I don't really have strong opinions about Carson either way. I heard later in life that he's maybe a dick.

I mean, I think most of them are. If you get that famous, probably.

Dick of course. And he started a shy magician, so of course you get that guy power.

Going to be a successful magician is everyone's nightmare. Oh you know it.

You'll make you disappear.

A person who spends their life going pick a card and everyone making a face at them, transitioning into like a Ryan Seacrest level popularity.

Yeah, no, get out of town.

I like that. Ryan Seacrest is your example.

I want the children to understand who Johnny Carson used to be.

On a level of Seacrest too. Oh, I don't know.

David Blaine Carson, Daily Carson.

Where does he lie?

He's in there, he's up there.

This place the festival, it's called the Great American Comedy Fish Great American. This was a Tyler Texas Waves of Corn.

Wait, sorry, which city in?

Sorry? In Norfolk?

In Norfolk? What's it? What state?

Nebraska? Okay. They assigned us an ambassador family, which was just a local retired couple.

You had to live with a family.

No, we lived in a hotel, but they came and picked. Yeah. At first I was like, I don't want to get involved, but it was it was really kind of cool. It was like we were providing a service for you know, we're retired and we don't and we like want to support the festival. The festival was run by older folks and the audience was a lot of white hairs, so it made me nervous. But they're so comedy savvy because.

They because they love Carson.

Yeah, so it was like they like a carsony or new Heart like delivery like dry.

That's you. Did you do particularly tend to talk on the phone at all?

I did. I was like, I'm sorry, let me have to pick this up. Oh it's Abraham Lincoln. And then I'd go into that good good good. Yeah, a lot of history stuff, you know how. I'm a buff history buff.

That actually sounds nice. You made friends with some.

Old it was great. I didn't know how to say goodbye to them.

Were you crying?

Yeah? Almost. I made it about my grandparents and never really.

Well, you gotta make it about something.

Yeah, I gotta make it. Gotta blame it on the rain. I uh, yeah, it was. It was a nice time though.

That sounds good. And then the third.

Place, Austin, Texas, where I'm from. Yes, and it was nice to be back. That was emotional for me too.

Was it.

Yeah?

Did you do Capsity?

No? I did the Velveta Room, the place I very first went up.

You liked that place, right, yeah?

I did? Like it.

Is it hard to do well there? I can't.

There's comics that were from Austin talking about one place that's hard to do it.

Yeah, it has been in the past. And when I started there, it was not just because it's on a street that is like Marty Grass. Every weekend, they just cops park put up barriers, cops on horses are just people being drunk and fighting in the street for Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Love it. I should move there.

And the cops are buff and they have tattooed sleeves. Do go on and they are ready to get in some stick time yes, and feed you the hoofs hello. And it's so it's I remember moving there. It's like, oh I never experienced anything like that, and it might be even crazier now. But those are the people that would wander in and they'd let them in. Now comedy bands are actually going to the Belvied Room.

Oh good.

Oh so before the audience was like like the Texas version of Bridge and Tunnel.

Yes, yes, and they have like a sidewalk barker man who does a good job of bringing people in, but they he kind of interviews them first. Oh sure, they want to be there. So the audiences were great, and all the comics I started with came the older guys that don't really do it much anymore. Because I just texted all the five one two numbers I have, and they all showed up. It worked great.

Oh that's nice.

I mean getting a hold of people on the phone instead of via Facebook, which you don't participate in.

I don't know, it's that first grade. Yeah, it really works. The phone is the superior way to communicates.

It's the Ryan Seacrest of communication. I'm sorry, I know, I love it. It was a fine example. I'm just picking, but it was hard when I started there. They used to do when I was young and I was first doing shows there, they would like if you went over or they didn't like a joke, they'd shut the mic off, or someone would get on a mic and hackle you uh huh, like it was. They were so kind of mean. And now those are the people I really love.

But well, that's that was the early days of comedy in the nineties. Bullying was not only still in style, it was in comedy.

It was a cherished tradition.

Yeah, I mean, like giving other people shit and teaching them a lesson about how to do stand up was like what some people just waited around to do.

Yeah, you've talked about that being the case.

Here with your yeah, here Anne and definitely in San Francisco. San Francisco was like everyone was the king and Queen of passive aggression.

It was just a lot of yeah right, buddy, okay buddy.

So everything was like a big smile, but they were kind of shading on you right to your face.

Right.

And I came from Montana, where people got punched for acting that way, and I would get so mad. Yeah, I quickly adjusted.

Well, yeah, I just got I just knew that I had to be mean too. Yeah, which I did not mind.

I do enjoy it.

Did I enjoy it in the moment, but then later I feel bad? Always? Yeah, I fall asleep thinking I heard failings.

Ye day, I know, I lashed out uncontrollably like a child, and they deserved it. Yeah, but but still, what do they call it?

In program?

They call that like drinking the poison so someone else dies or is something like that.

They they have sayings that make behavior like.

That seem very bad and biblical, yes, and suicidal.

Yeah. My mom was in the AA and she became very.

Religious really oh yeah, spiritual.

Like spiritual yeah, yeah, just a generic god exactly.

You gotta make some connection.

Of make them what you want, don't make them a bottle of boot that's what they said. If you can, if you can, I was thinking that maybe I would try being a person that doesn't drink after the last couple of weeks.

Was it a party time, party tour?

Not necessarily, which makes me consider that even more so. It's like, well, it's out of boredom. It's like, that's not what do you do after a show?

Right, just sit there and watch Law and Order sober?

I don't think so it's still I even watched Oh god, there's a new Adam Sandler movie that it's like the one with the Spade Oh my god.

No, no, no, no, I can't.

It's it's got moments because it's those two guys.

Yeah. I love I love.

I love David Spade's stand up comedy. I love I actually love his acting. I love his whole situation.

And I like I like Adam Sandler's acting. But the movie is so it's like editing. It's even edited for like they're looking in the wrong direction and it's like, oh, that was a bad The camera was over the guy's shoulder, the wrong shoulder. I don't even know how to do that stuff. I can and you know, yeah, boy, it was.

You don't have to be a connoisseur to get how much they didn't.

Try, And it was just the dirty with Harry Balls sure dripping on people's faces.

Yep, face did it drip on a on his face?

Yes? Balls? No? No, Who's ball? Who's that guy that's in every movie Schneider Magnolia. No, his Gusmandluis Guzman. Louis Guzman works more than anyone in America, and I'm starting to think we should reconsider all the jobs that we're getting.

Well, he can't.

I mean, listen, if you're if you're up to bat every single time, you can't always hit a home run.

I heard that he lives in Vermont, Louis Guzman quaint like farmhouse in Vermont.

How is that possible when he never doesn't have a job exactly the last he was on Code Black, which was that medical procedural with Marcia gay Harden that I try.

I have tried to.

Watch honestly, like eight times, and it says if I then leave my.

Body in a second, I hit and play. It's so weird. I can't do it. But how is he How does he live that far away? But he has to be here.

Why he always has jobs, It's because what no one knows is he's just a helicopter pilot. And he just flies to the set like we didn't did you read for this? No, I'm here, I'm just here.

Give it. You know, I'm going to do it.

Give give me lines to the guys. The Guz goes ready to do, I'm ready to read.

I'm going to do that accent everybody likes. I'm going to kind of play it down.

And in my later work I'm gonna purposefully stick my belly out. Because I've cultivated it, why not distend it.

I wonder if there's a town in Vermont that says dedicated to Louise Guzman as your town in uh wherever it was is dedicated to Johnny Carson.

What if Vermont is all just Guzman stickers next to Bernie stickers. Like he's a politician. They're that dedicated.

People are just they're they're stumping for him, even though he's not running for anything.

They're just for him.

It's funny because in Yeah, in Norfolk, you would ask these folks about they call it North Fork, which I was like, it's a it's an l I call.

It nor fuck because it's fun.

It's funny to say that to old people.

I've gotten away with it like five times and no one said anything. So far this whole podcast.

I didn't even know you. I kept thinking, flinching, and I wasn't sure what you were.

Saying, swearing.

You'd think you're a cursed jar. Cursed jar. Put a coin in the cursed jar.

I got a dollar twenty five in there.

So far, you would ask these folks so about the car, and they're like, oh, and he helped build a hospital and he helped uh, he made the theater and he put money into that. It's like he bought Carson jump around a bit. Yeah, I'm a non linear thinker.

No, I was a want to ask question.

No, that's probably frustrating around me.

You know, it's really not. Uh. You know in my hometown that was built. That used to be the egg capital of the world.

Pedalooms.

Pedalooms used to be in the twenties. It was called the egg basket of the.

World in the twenties. Were eggs good for you? Or were they bad for you? Because they jumped back and forth?

Okay, that only changed in nineteen eighty two. When they had that commercial was give eggs a Break and it was an egg in jail.

Remember that because of class straw in cholesterol prison.

That was like it was it was the pre non fat phase where we went to no cholesterol.

And replaced it with chemicals. Yeah.

Yeah, and uh they so everyone stopped eating eggs and there was a like a p s A style commercial saying give eggs a break and it was an egg in jail, like it was.

A like it was a bad criminal. There was just an egg with feet.

There was some kind of chip I think called Wow. They were like wow ruffles or something. They had o Lean yep oil in them or something. And I'm my dad, my dad's wife at the time. My stepmom said, my second stepmom, she would buy them. She was like diet chips. I love chips and I'm gonna and so we'd all eat them. And I don't want to be a clinical here, but I experienced anal leakage. That's right, Just well, I'm like, wait a minute, that am I sweating? That was what it was.

I was famous for us.

On the bag. This may cause anal anal leakage. That's how I knew. I didn't go to a doctor. The bag. I consulted my bag.

For your bag of chips.

Yes, on the freedom said, that's your ass leaking, son, but at least it's not cholesterol.

But hey, well, uh yeah, that's your body going. We don't know what you just put in us, but we cannot process it.

So those chips a lot of furniture.

I can't believe you actually ate those.

Oh yeah, I remember those those chips coming out and everyone just being like, ain't a leakage?

Everybody?

Well, news gets to Montana a little late, right there isn't you know the Internet wasn't telling everyone about our assets leaking?

Right? I guess we're talking about this because I brought up eggs, like that's what my hometown was famous for. I'm sorry, no, no, no, uh please never a.

Because I'm not sure.

The point I was trying to make, only that like around town, there's like you know what I mean, it's our version of Johnny Carson is dairy.

Oh yeah, just shoving it down your throat and if you don't eat eggs, you're disrespecting your community. They would never so while I was there, I'm like, while on stage, this is supposed to be clean. It's a contest. I didn't know it was going to be a contest. But you had to be clean, squeaky clean, Carson TV clean, not TV now TV then clean. Sure, So I was a lot older clean. Well the comics I remember seeing on TV when I was a kid, like Jimmy Broken,

Disqualified for doing that.

I think for saying shit. No one told me.

Tap your window shit was an accident though, yes.

And I was disqualified. You know what they didn't tell me. A comic came up to me and said, did you hear the guy that did that Neapolitan joke got disqualified for saying shit? I'm like, you mean me? And so that's how I found out.

Well, I'm really sorry. What was the prize package?

See, it wasn't a big deal. And I suggested, and I was asked my opinion if it should be a contest next year, and I said no, because everyone got paid anyway, Well you just got paid more of you.

One.

The thing that's funny is any comedy I've been in, maybe two, I think the people that win are not the best ones, right. It is a subjective opinion usually of radio DJs is how they do it, or like famous people in the community, which some would argue is like, well you have to be able to appeal to lots of people, yeah, if you want to be a successful comedian, which is true, but it's not like you have other

And all I've ever wanted is the approval of comedians.

Yeah, it's all that matters.

That doesn't really lead to the big jobs.

It's quite the opposite.

And the comic that one Mark Norman, who's very funny, was his whole set was about sex stuff. Now it's like Oh, man, I wish I'd done that.

Oh but he just didn't use bad words to talk about sex.

I was avoiding entire topics because of, well, there's a lot of white hair here. I'm just going to do wordplay, old timey funds, catskill comedy.

I wonder what place you would have come in if you didn't say tape the window shit?

I thought, No, I bet I legitimately just didn't get the top four. My night there was great. They did great. I watched a lot of great comedians.

Was it pretty big?

And they have magicians and I love magic. It turns out up close magic, no far away in a giant theater magic.

Wow, like this guy would not a lady in a box a lot.

Yeah, there's a father and daughter duo, and the daughter would dance and do stuff while he did. It was very traditional magic.

And you liked it.

I loved it. They all had funny jokes in their magic, and it was visually. I guess I've never been to like a big, large format Vegacy magic show, and I was just like, I was one of those people going, how.

Do we do that?

Well?

I close magic, I love because that is legit crazy.

When they do the thing like.

I had a guy at a bar once come up, had me pick a card, put it back in the deck, oops, do a bunch of stuff, and then he was like, is this your card?

And I was like no, ha ha ha. And then he goes, wait, is that your card?

And it was stuck to the outside of the bar window because we were sitting at a high top table next to the window, and I.

Lost my mind. I was kind of drunk, but I lost my mind for like a week. I was just like, so, who who? How do you have a partner? Someone knew the car, like everything about it.

It made me crazy he had a partner.

But I mean, I.

Think the part I liked is that it felt like they were really planning something for me.

Yeah.

It was like a nice, fun surprise just for me.

The one of the comics is from town, Derek Hughes, and he was like hosting the Magic Night. He didn't do it at this show because it would have been too blue, but he had a card. Is this your card? But he would They pulled down his pants and the card was in his buttcheet We'll pull it out and everyone was like gross, But wow, it's a great It was great, that's a good trick.

What does he do that at the Comedy Castle?

He does do it at the Comedy Magic Castle or the Magic Magic The Comedy Castle is a different castle. That's the castle we live in. Yeah, where you don't have to wear slacks. Oh yeah, that's right.

You have to wear you have to wear certain clothes at the Magic Castle.

Derek got me in. Once I showed up at the Magic Castle. I was on a date and we were turned away because I did not have slacks on, and they had pants and jackets.

For me to wear, but you wouldn't do it.

I'm like, I don't like those pants. I don't want to wear those pants?

What was wrong with them?

I'm like, my pants right now are much fans here than those eighties pleated, flared. Yeah, I went off. I went after their slacks.

Just one pair where they're like a choice of five.

Well, they only had one pair that was like a waist thirty six, so I would have had to also borrow belts. Yeah, and they were just ugly and I'm like, I'm not gonna wear I'm offended. The next time I brought.

Pants good smart, Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my I've told you this many times. That's my fears to be in a place where I have to borrow pants. I never want that to happen to me.

It's horrible word type, sir, we have to I've been told to take my hat off. Excuse me, you.

Just throw up such a bad memory. My precious hat.

Really, it was really got a good hat. It fit my head. Oh I'm sworry. God, that was a nice hat. My hair was horrible of that day. It was horrible. I had to reveal it.

It's just weird because the idea behind that is you have to look really nice to go to the Magic Castle. Fine, but then a pair of dockers you know that are that are.

Twenty years out of fashion? Yea, why are those better than Why are they better because.

You're technically Someone wrote about what the pants need to have and this technically has them. They should have mentioned taper.

That's taper needs to be mentioned in this day and age. Yeah, where people men and women alike basically wear leggings everywhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone's wearing tights.

Yeah.

I can't say I'm complaining.

It's a bunch of robin hoods out there, and I love it.

We're just talking about the Robinhood from the mel Bricks version mel Bricks Hit the Bricks Brooks.

He's my favorite.

I love I love mel Bricks. I also like Jackie Mason, god Nuts.

Did you do any other example would have been good? It would have been good? Should we give it a second? Carol Brookehette Street, Allen, We're done. Mine wasn't smid at all.

It was barbecuing well, Mason. I brought in the whole world of stone working true.

I took it way out there to barbecue Land. Let's never go back there. I hate it there. I jun't along.

Most people are kind of races agents.

It's too hot. Did you go anywhere after Austin or is this where you just flew in?

I flew through the night and landed at six a m. Bar and took a little nap and came here. So I feel a little out of sorts and not had a decent meal.

It's a serious problem you have every every day. It surprises you that you have to eat well.

I had three shows and then after and then people from Montana came to my show. That live in Dallas now and hanging out with the comics and saying goodbye. I returning my rental car, which was a Muscly. I went to get a Volkswagen and I got a big Mustang like a VA. Well, yeah, it read so fun.

Did you say red white white? Yeah?

It was throady. I loved it. I'm like, want a hot rod? Now?

Was it convertible?

No? I opted to not have the conmart because of air conditioning purposes.

Very smart because it's hot there, as hot as the dickens.

It's a dry heat.

It was a wet are you.

Yeah, it's a wet away heat.

It's nice.

So what you're saying is you partied, party partied, then returned your rental car, got on a plane and came here essentially yes.

And on the plane a girl wanted to talk about astrology and guess my sign and guess my personality. And I was like, I have to sleep, and she's like, that's so Aquarius.

She was translirt with you through I don't know.

She's very pretty, but I uh really, I was like you're pretty, and then you're nice, but I really have to nap. I just had to be we're not going to start anything.

You have to be firm about it.

Mm hmmm, oh, when I was well, i'll tell you what, did accidentally call flat attenant again.

All the way up there? Yeah, yeah, that.

Is thank you for following. You're good at that.

I get you.

No one else would know that. I meant that met my boner was going above my head.

Yeah, no, I think they would. It was.

It was a pretty smart joke.

Hard to navigate, you know, because of the Johnny Carson Festival, you don't know what smart.

Jokes are anymore. Yeah, I got hypnotized.

We're going to bring you back.

One of the things we did as comedians is get on a hay ride and go out to a cornfield and we were described about the the irrigation of the corn and there's an awkward fer that is under the ground and covering the whole. They do not have a drought problem.

We need to move there.

I lay some pipe that direction?

Is that another sex joke? No, I was just talking about.

Just regular plumbing.

I don't like that guy. No, I would just talking badly. No, he's creamy. We have some I'd like the lays and pipe in your general loqu direction. That guy's wearing a mechanics jumpsuit with nothing underneath it, and I hate it's gonna be a hot summer. Zip let's lay some pipe because he has like a feminine kind of quality to him, but he's clearly a saxophone.

Don't worry, he's just all no, I'm sorry.

So you had to go to the corn They took you out to the cornfield.

Yeah, and I can't. Did you guys see that movie that's about oil and corn and how it's bad?

No? Which one I don't know, The Children of the Corn. Yes, I did see one, two and three.

So the whole time I was like, this is the reason children kill our elderly.

Yes, no, because they don't let us swear.

Talks about there being corn and everything and how it's bad. Yes, there's corn, and I don't know he said. Even the machine was lubed with some sort of corn based lubricant.

He was giving you the tour, but then saying corn was bad.

No, No, he wasn't. Corn was his livelihood. But this corn was made not for eating but for feeding cows.

Oh got it?

I was like, feed, Well they do.

That is why corn syrup is in so much food is because they sell it as the like an additive that we don't really need.

Right, Okay, Yeah, so it's not evil, it's just like we don't need all this.

Well it's evil in that because it's this main crop, American crop. They act like we need it and we actually don't.

Okay, that's what I was talking about. Well, these guys were That's what I was talking about. That's what I was trying to get to talk about. I I caused this.

No, they are the aquifer of this.

It was the field father and then son and grandson, independent farm. It was. They weren't like evil corporation people.

But no, there's lots of those out there.

They were really sweet people. I feel bad we ate in their garage and they fed us barbecue. I can't believe I'm disparaging their livelihood.

So you did go to barbecue town?

Oh? I did? Shit, I went to Sauceville. Oh you've had quite a trip. We How long have you been gone Brisket Banks? I uh, I have two weeks? Two whole weeks.

Shit, welcome back.

Thanks, I'm glad to be back. I'm glad that you were able to meet me here me too, for this personal conversation that we recorded. Yeah, that's nice, I guess we don't have a guest today. That's all right, it doesn't matter.

He's so awful of this whole time. I guess was just sitting here.

Wa hey, wake up, wake up, Jimmy Schubert. I don't know those Jimmy Schubert. It's the right seacrest of comedians.

Mmmm.

We don't have a guest, but we do have a small audience of one. That's that's the laughing that you hear. Hi, it's pretty exciting.

Isn't it fun? See behind the scenes not what you'd think.

It's kinetic.

I'm trying to think of what I've been doing for the past two weeks to report to you, but I just don't really have.

I'm still gonna ask have you been doing the last.

I did a show at the Improv Lab, which is the place we like to be.

Uh with?

That was it was Josh Androski and Brian Cook have a show called Reunited, which is really funny.

They write it's a panel of sick of.

The stars of a fake sitcom, and then they interview you as if you are you've all been reunited for the first time.

Oh that's an interesting idea. Yeah, do they Then you.

Have to read old scripts and oh that's great, it's a whole thing.

I was going to guess you either do that or they shoot a scene. No, that would be a lot of work.

Yeah, which was fun, except for I don't understand people that do a show that requires like a shit ton of homework. I mean, I luckily I didn't have to do it because I wouldn't have. But I mean, god bless them, they really work their house off.

That's why I haven't done any roast battles or stuff like. I mean, I've seen my roommate Nate Craig do days and days of work, yes, for one show.

Yeah. Well, and also I have a job, so I have to do that.

Do you want you? Can you talk about your job?

Oh?

The job?

Like, no, it's not a secret. The job I'm working on right now is Portlandia. It's season seven of Portlandy.

I thought so, but I didn't want to. That's pretty neat. Why aren't you bragging about it all the time?

To me, this is not my style.

Find out from other people.

Well, that's how I do it. And then you're even more interested than if I had brought it up to you. Cold.

Well, that's so cool. What a great job. It's got to be so much fun.

It's really awesome. It's great.

I mean, that's so fun.

It's very cool.

I get to hang out with Fred Armison and Carrie Brownstein and my friend Graham Wagner, who also wrote on Baskets when I wrote on Baskets, Oh yeah, and Jonathan Kreisel, who is.

The EP director.

All around superstar that also runs Baskets, who I adore.

Martha Kelly's on Baskets and she was doing Cap City while I was doing Belviet. Did you get to hang out? No, because we are doing shows at different times, the same times, and during the day we both just do. I went swimming and did my things, but I didn't really meet with people and have lunches and stuff. I should have told Martha. I know both of us are thinking we should have content each other.

But you see each other when you're here, right, it's been a while.

Yeah, I served a few almost a year ago. Thrower, ou text, you're right, just do it. I need to reach out to people.

I like to reach out to people, strangers, strangers. I just text random numbers.

Hey, I'm thinking of you. Two three, two three eight seven two, one, four, eight nine.

I think of you all the till them their phone numbers. That probably blows your cover.

Yeah that's but I say, that's who you are.

To me, that's who you've always been.

That's who I'm not about names and labels. I'm about numbers.

Yeah, you know who else was about numbers? Head more?

Is that true?

Well? I think everyone everyone at his camp's got a number.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's very true.

That's sorry to bring that up.

Well me too.

I mean, you're sorry I brought it.

We can't go one day without you talking about the camps.

Yeah, you know, it's just something I think about, I know.

I mean, man's in humanity to man.

M Yeah, the different versions of it.

Yep, it continues to this used to keep popping up. I mean, it's a thing that we seem to love as.

A people, being inhumane, being in humane.

The oppressed become oppressors. Did you know that?

Yeah, yeah, yes.

That's what this whole Trump thinks about.

Yes, the student becomes the teacher, Oh yes, grasshopper, Yes, the pebble becomes the hand.

And the bullshitter becomes bullshit becomes me.

The bullshitter becomes me, right, now.

Uh yeah, aside from working, though, I think working in at work being I'm being forced to play basketball.

Describe a scene you've written for Portlandia.

I'm not allowed to.

That's all under I know, I know, it's just be fun. What about a scene that got thrown out because it was too silly?

I mean I pitched some things where people were like, we don't know what you're talking about.

That's definitely happened, for.

Sure, But then I try to, Like, I think it's important in writing. If you fail miserably like that, you just pretend it never happened.

I wanted, yeah, I wanted so badly. There had to. There was a when I was working on Jimmy Jamie Lead's show. There was some Kentucky Fried Chicken thing where they wanted her to go and interview people, and she didn't want to, understandably, go and like make fun of people who worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken because they're just that's their job, right, And so I wanted to make a puppet called Snippy the mechanically Dbad Chicken, and they were going to make this puppet. I wanted to just

Puppet who is the chicken's personality.

He was just had a muffled voice. It was kay of hard understand it. But he's very excited about and he was like a mascot for Kentucky Fried Chickah yeah, so uh and then he just talked about an accident is in but it just it ended up getting shot down from all levels.

Yeah, well because she was was it kind of an integration with Kentucky Fried Chicken, like were there? It was supposed to be a secret commercial. Yeah, so Snippy would be a bad thing.

I don't know. It wasn't a s It was just we couldn't talk about it. But it wasn't a commercial thing. It was just like I don't know, I don't know why we couldn't.

Well, because you have to get permission if you're going to go shoot at a place, so then that you have to promise them you're not going to make them up.

That's what it is. So then yeah, that's what it was. It's almost like you were there or I have a bad memory.

No, it's that I've done things like that.

A bunch of Yeah, you can't just go there where you're like, I assure you you're going to come off great in this.

And meanwhile, of course all hell.

Breakslest we're just I'm going to bring in this candleabra and ask you about valet. But we're not making fun.

But we're not saying that you are a low count, disgusting restaurant that people don't actually want to eat at.

Yes, we're wearing tuxedos, but we're not making fun.

That's not that's not a sarcastic taxedo.

Oh driving through the drive through and the fanciest of Mercedes Benzes throwing money everywhere. I think snippy fun.

If Snippy.

Was just kind of strangely defensive and giving the their their questions, that could be fun.

I think we should still develop this kid.

I do. I've always win in my mind somewhere someone was getting ready to make that puppet a.

Puppet of a chicken muppet burnt off.

Well, never, puppets are muppets are Jim Henson's trademark puppet. That's right. Muppets are a puppet.

They're a subset of puppets.

Yes, yes, okay, Well I'm gonna say puppet. Now, I don't want to owe that guy anymore money.

Good, Yeah, you don't want that already.

Oh, am plenty.

Did you watch a movie on the plane other than oh?

I have to admit it was my second time watching The Do Over, Adam Sandler's Netflix film.

I'd watched it the one I already complained about.

It was bad, but I was alone at home, you know, drinking and watching it. And then when I was at my friend Matt Bearden's, they were like, let's watch this because it's so bad, it might be fun. And I'm like, oh, I've seen it, it's bad, let's do that. I decided to watch it a second time. I've seen it twice all the way through.

You got to be a little bit in charge on that second year. Now, you were kind of like, guys, get ready. Yeah, you were the tour guide.

It was kind of fun. I was. You're right, I was the tour guide, and I made the most jokes at the expense of the film. Do you think that they were well placed because I'd had practice. That's right.

It's like you got to do a little past your first past. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think that Adam anywhere in Adam Sandler's mind, he's making these things knowing that people like to hate watch things.

I think he's making them knowing I don't know about that. By know, he's making them knowing that he wants his friends to go on to vacation somewhere. They all end up in some tropical location, and so he's like, where do you guys want to go next, Rob Schneider and Nick Wordson And it's like, how about Puerto Rico? And then it's like, okay, the script will take us there. Oh,

Yeah, isn't he a millionaire billionaire? Can't he just go to Hawaii? Don't have film it but not get paid as I think he's just yeah, that's the that's the real twist.

But no, he paid to go on vacation and say the worst jokes of all time.

The whole time I was watching, I was thinking, did he know? Does he care that it? Because there's funny moments, it's like, well they and I laughed.

But there's a reason he's famous and there's a reason that people have been watching his movies for years and years.

It's because of the Golf one.

It was great, Happy Madison.

Happy Madison and Billy Gilmore.

Well, also those movies didn't Billy Gilmore. They had a feel to them too, like he has. There's a funness to his work.

I still quote those movies.

Sure, professional comedian, you're supposed to care about comedy, and I.

Will just start going to my boots on my feet or whatever. I don't quote it.

Well, right, you can do the voice though, Yes, I mean that is fun.

He said something and goes, oh yib. He did a lot of that in the new one, and there's a lot of scaca.

Is there a chance that he's lost his mind?

Is he Do you think he's at home at night eating his own money?

And then that is toxic history.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like swimming. You can't swim in just a sea of coins. Now some of the older ones are led.

They're toxic.

Yeah.

Well, I'll miss him when he's gone.

I will too. A moment of silence for Adam SAMs.

I have to say I did meet him when I very briefly did a voice over for Punch drunk love.

Uh oh, yeah, and he.

Was super nice. Of course, that's whatever.

She was a sister on the phone.

I played.

I was played because they got he Paul thom Sanderson got a bunch of.

Real sisters to play his sisters, and right, right, So.

He wanted a phone conversation where I basically just call him up and give him shit, saying you have to come to this party.

Yeah, and it in the movie.

It's in the movie.

Yeah, I knew that you about you and doing that before I was your friend?

Is that true? Is that why you're friends with me?

It's the only reason. Still.

But at one point I call him a fucking phony, which I was just improvising, And when we got off the phone, when we were done shooting, he couldn't stop off me and goes, oh, man, being called a fucking phony, that's the worst. And I was just like, oh, what a lovely thing to give a little gift, a parting gift to give me.

Yeah, I've only heard he's a sweet person. Yeah.

And I could watch David Spade do stand up comedy for five hours, that's all I want.

It's really good at it.

He's so fucking good. And the jokes he writes are so good. It's like a lesson in how to write stand up.

Yeah, it's bizarre because he's not like famous for his stand up. Maybe he got to Saturday Night Live and everything like everyone with stand up, but then you stop doing it usually if you're a famous movie star.

Yeah, but he's done dropping sets of the improv where I just am like, thank you God that I get to be here.

Yeah, I did not expect him to be that good.

So good.

And also when I worked on Ellen, every time he would sometimes be like an emergency fill in person or like you know what I mean, they would he was always on a scom so they would always have him as a choice.

And he always knocked it out of the park.

Him and Wanda Sykes were guaranteed like smash successes, which.

Is a hard thing to do. Most people are so boring on top.

And he's that good even while there you can tell there's a inside him. He's like this is I'm gonna have ask this. I don't really care that I'm here. That's why I have a lot of the lines in it. We're like delivered like this where it's like okay, now you get sad and he's like, I'm sad there, but it still works.

What's better?

Yeah, that's great.

You know. That's April and I went to see there's an Elvis movie, a documentary called That's the Way It Is April richards April Richardson's friend of the show.

Do you have trouble saying her last night? Yes, Richardson Richardson, my tongue turns into a cartoon toothache.

I sound That's what I sound like when I've had three wine coolers. April A Garyller is my friend.

Ap you guys went we went to see after that Reunited show, we rushed over to the New Beverly to see this Elvis documentary, which I've seen like bits and pieces of him in movies or whatever, but this was such a good documentary. He's so amazingly charming. But the reason I love him is because the whole time, the look on his face is this is all bullshit. So he's like rehearsing and it's like he's the king everybody, Like he can't go into a room without people freaking out.

And I just in that.

Moment, I was like, I know so many people that at that level and it under that pressure would have the worst reaction, like would be such dicks at that moment and be like you know what I mean, like screaming at the sound guy or whatever, because that's about them and their ego. And he just started laughing, like and the look on his face was like whoa, whoa did you hear that? Like like it's all delightful to him.

Right, And it just made me love him.

Am I gonna? I think I want to get into Elvis this late in my life. Do it?

It's totally worth.

It because I saw something he was on. He was performing. He was very drunk or high, and he was like saying, I don't know if this is in the documentary, but he was like making little comments I forget about this part here and he started laughing, but he was out. He was like really drunk. Was he charming? Yeah?

Was what outfit do you have on? All white or all black?

I feel like it was blue boy. I'm not sure.

Okay, I mean he did a bunch of them, but he was.

Just commenting on that. He was just saying little less sides.

He does that the whole time.

In one song I can't remember if it was Can't Help falling in Love with You, some big classic Elvis hit, he does a thing and he squatted down like he was singing and getting super into it, but then he sings the suit can't take it in the middle of like people crying and like freaking out. Oh that's so great, and he's like the zoup and he's doing it as himself, like he's not. It's just like my favorite favorite thing, suit can't take it because he's like squatting.

That's just should have been the name of that documentary.

It's beautiful to see a person not take themselves seriously and be that level of famous.

I don't know why, because I've always liked Sence. I was introduced to him Elvis Costello. If that happened feedback, he probably would have gotten mad at someone.

Well he's you know. It's interesting because Elvis Costella was a bad drunk for a long time, so he had a lot.

Of bad behavior. But I think maybe these days he wouldn't. Yeah, because he's now kind of like i'd.

Gotten a hold. I have worshiped the guy. He's amazing, but I think it kept me from the other Elvis, the main Elvis. Elvis number one.

Yeah, that's all, the honest Elvis number two. He kept you from Elvis number one.

I'm like, I can't like both Elvis's plus Elvis Scott Stella's music's a little more at my alley, right. I don't want to hear rockabilly, hop country.

That's a mistake.

I'm not sure what category Elvis' music is. I don't want to hear just rockabelly, hip hop.

Yeah, but I think you would if you saw it.

And then he was a badass too, wouldn't he My dad said he would like beat someone up with karate and then feel bad and give him a Cadillac. Yep, yeah, he's in a handful of horse tranks. He just Sanya, He just.

Wanted to a good time. But he was like yeah, and he was famous forever. I mean he was like a legend forever.

They talk about it, how he was the major draw, like the number one draw in Las Vegas, above Frank Sinatra, above Dean Martin, above anybody. He like, he drew like double the amount of anybody else.

It was my least favorite part of Forrest Gump thoughs where they suggest he discovered Elvis when they stayed at his house. I mean he stayed at his house and played.

My least favorite part of Forrest Gump was the beginning to end.

My friend, we hated that movie so much.

Side why all my friends and family liked it? Not my family, not immediate. I guess we liked the soundtrack. There we go, that's okay. Remember he's like someone stayed at our house once and he did fun at pelvic movement.

Yes, I it was ridiculous.

And then yeah, it's like people like to have a thing held up in front of him, be like, remember this bottle of water, look at it?

Remember and feel like so like they went through every single thing you could ever remember.

Yeah, and Forrest gumped him into the picture. Yeah, I want to get Forrest gumped into the movie Forrest Gump like my.

Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea, and.

Be hanging it like he's mating the president and that's already composited. And then I want to be there, yeap, just going like that.

You could also do that in Zelig.

What's Zelig?

You've never seen the Woody Allen movie Zelig.

No, it's basically the original Forrest coump oh I much more creative.

Right, and and the original dead Men don't wear plaid? Yes, right, it's him compositive into historic moments. Yes, yes, I need to see it.

It's the Zelig has more of like almost like a Ken Burns documentary feel. It's very interesting as opposed to dead Men Don't more plaid, where it's just like you know, reverse shots where this shot is Humphrey Bogart and then now it's Steve Martin, right, and they don't.

Yeah, that's my That's what my show Almost Genius does more than actually compositing us. And because it's hard to pull that off.

Yeah, it's a lot of work.

Only my cup Church can do it with his outdated computer and his old programs, and he does it. Looks like a team of Star Wars men George Lucas men and talented star.

Wars Shout out to Mike, Mike up Church is very talented. I've known him for years. I've known him for so long.

We're going to make smart stuff.

You should, you make good stuff.

We'll just be background, a background actor in famous moments for movies.

Good idea. Just keep on doing that for the rest of your career.

Yeah.

Now, if there was one guess we could have had today, who do you? Who do you wish it?

Booty of the Blowfish, Hoody Darius Rocker h Hoody would be I'm sorry.

Who do you think you're?

Woody? Do you think we should have had? Well, it's hard to I mean, I've been wanting to have Uh, why don't you call up Patton Oswald?

I could, I couldn't.

Why don't you call up Even when I said that, I forgot that he went through the saddest thing ever. I just want to say that right now. No, I can't let moments like that. When I said ship in front of that audience. I was like, well, I said, shit, let's talk about it, and that that's why I got disqualified. It wasn't the initial shit. I would have been fun. You just discussed. When I say something and then my back gets hot, I can't just let it.

I know, I know it well, especially when you're on stage.

I still want him on. He will be Andy Kindler again.

Yes, that's a great Andy Kindler in the studio would be a good idea.

He's the best.

Uh who else do we like?

I mean, I'm okay with repeating our hits. Yeah, as far as it's okay to have seen people back.

Yeah, we should have Guy Brandham in the studio because he hosts a studio podcast called pop Rocket.

Oh that's another thing I did. I went up to that. Well, we talked about that. Yeah. I went to Max fun Con and I watched him. I'd never seen him do pop Rocket before.

Oh, he did it live there.

That's how I got this hat. Because there's some sub pops leader Kenny nice girl lady, I can't remember her name, singer. I'm bad at details and storytelling.

What's well? Was it Lance Bang's wife the lead singer?

Yes?

Yes. Now I can't remember her name because I want, because I know.

I met her at Largo. She's great, she's the greatest.

That's one of my favorite bands. It was very difficult to work with Carry Brownstein and sit next to her every day and not be like and not talk about it.

But I never did.

Oh yeah, I never did. You probably could because people are probably bringing that up to her last now that she's the woman that's on Portlandia.

True, true, but but I just want I just felt just constant nerd excitement about it because I love that band.

Guy openly was like, I don't know anything about your band. I don't know much about you at all.

Like he was, oh she was his guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hilarious. Karen Karen uh Koran, that's her name.

Man, I got up. We gotta figure out. Let's have her on. Once we figured it out, we're having her on. This has been disgraced, graceful to her.

I know, I know it. And the drummer's names Janet. It doesn't matter anyway. Guy would be good because he knows how to do a studio studio podcast and he's great. Yeah, he means very smart and our friend.

Yeah, kran Tucker.

Thank you, Aaron.

Aaron with the assist. Bringing it back to the hoop.

What's the drummer Janet's last name? Do you have that too?

Weice?

Can it? Wis? Yeah? I'm their number one man. Oh my god.

In the that in that show I did at the improv lab, I had to at one point. This drives me crazy because this is why I'm so bad at improv because I can't just say the first thing I think of. I don't trust myself and I and I'm it's so weird in that way where I want to think of the best in my mind, the best thing, instead.

Of the first thing. You blurt out the first thing you think of in this format all the time.

I know, but it's because I don't overthink it. Yeah, I guess I don't like I know you and not like you got me if I mess up or something. But like in this, at one point they asked me a question and they said and like what dead celebrities blah blah blah, oh and then just none.

I literally there was like a ten second pause and then I said, b Arthur, you do know.

That's what just happened to me. Here, would you ask me who should we have had on? It started to get sweaty. I know, right, this is a test. I'm bad at man, I'm in high school.

Also, then you think, oh I should be naming this person that person.

Yeah, yeah, oh, I'll think of who we should have right when we're done recording.

You know what, that was a discussion that we should have had off, Mike.

I know's there's always editing that we won't do.

That's right. Uh, what else do you want to discuss? Do we have anything else? Well, I'm swimming safety for summer.

I've been swimming quite a bit and I have I brought my snorkel and mask with me to Austin and I went into Barton Springs, which is a public it's part of a spring, but it's a man made pool and people go there and there's grassy places to lay and it was one hundred degrees so and I went there with my snorkel and my mask, and kids laughed at me. Yeah, I swam with my I don't care though. I can't figure out to breathe when I swim, So I got my snork.

Wait, you used the snorkel. You're swimming like freestyle?

A snorkel, mask and snorkel when I freestyle swim because I can't figure out the breathing and I think I'm onto something.

Frankly, nonl and I can go.

I can swim forever without choking and hanging on the edge of the pool, like.

Because you're new to swimming, right, So that makes sense. Yeah, whatever, do whatever it takes.

Yeah, I don't care how I look.

Now, do you know that drowning is silent? Usually happens when nobody hears it.

Oh well, if you see something, say something.

That's right, that's right, but you probably won't see anything.

You won't hear him drown.

You certainly won't hear it.

Sounds very little noise.

Keep your eyes peeled.

What but I don't understand they're splashing?

Nope, usually there's not. That's the safety awareness campaign that they're doing about swimming and little kids these days.

Is then when they go under, you usually don't see it. Oh, like, there's not.

It's not like in a bad sitcom or a bad uh you know, Highway to Heaven, where there's someone splashing like a weird dog for a while, then they go under.

Usually they just go right.

If there's any reoccurring dream because when I was a kid, my family and I were in a We were in canoes and we were just about to get out of the river, so we took off our life jackets and then we were sliding sideways trying to get to the river bank, and all of a sudden there was just this bush thing, and we all stupidly, me, my mom, my dad, everyone took our oars and just pushed against them because we're running into this bush and it just tipped us over and then we all ended up back

Oh no, and it was yeah, it was like this.

It's still to this day this scary. I was pretty close to drowning. So then in Norfolk Fork, we were on the North Fork in Norfolk because one of the things for the comics was to go kayaking. And do you know Dwayne Perkins.

I've met him.

He's the best. He's a great person. But at the end of our little kayak thing, he capsized and fell and then there was like a dam they had to like jump in and grab him. Yeah, the boat went down the dam. They had to run and go get the boat. I was like, this is serious, and everyone got quiet, but we were all laughing because it's like, hah, he fell out of the boat. But then he's in the middle of the river and Trayvon Free was out there too, but he paddled but none of us had

Yeah, it's very scary.

And it was like one of those things where just another moment without him getting out of there. What I'm saying is I saved his life.

Oh my god, No I did.

It wasn't one of the workers, one of the kayak people. You and I said we have to get him. Yeah. I've been wearing that circle everywhere, breakfast, just out to lunch, riding bikes.

I'm glad you're learning to swim. You might as well know.

Yeah as well. I'm Yeah, it's important and it's good for my hips.

Is it. Do they feel better?

Yeah?

Oh good?

Yeah, all because it's swimming.

Good.

No more radiating pain, no more psiatic no more swollen ankles, not in my life.

That's good.

Yeah, all right, swimming is the answer. It is the answer, Who cares if they laugh at your snorkel.

Today's guest was the act of swimming.

Hey Swimming, we think you're cool too.

Thanks for coming into my life and saying almost nothing today.

Hey Swimming, you've been great since I was five years old.

I wish i'd known you when I was younger. But it's never too late to get into swimming or Elvis.

That's right, that's right.

Yeah, this is the episode where we all learn that it's not too late to do anything.

I'm going to call this episode swimming and Elvis. Okay, there's no need to surprise people with it. Already have listened till this point.

Think so well, I don't know.

I'm through with it. That's what it says right here on the SoundCloud.

Hey really he said it and then he did it. That's what's great is the follow through. Chris Fahirranks says a stick to itiveness that I can't believe. Yeah, he's a good He says he does something, and he does it. Then he goes ahead and does it, and.

I can't believe it.

They'll say, They'll all say about you.

I can't wait to hear it.

Are we almost done?

We are we are? We're in an hour and I think it's the perfect time.

Just not okay, Well, I would just want to plug. July thirteenth, Do you have anything to plug? I do July thirteenth.

Okay, okay, thank you, thank you? Business class are mine? In April Richardson's show at the Improv Lab on July thirteenth, Wednesday, ten pm, starring such Hollywood luminaries as Karen Kilgarath, April Richardson, Chris Fairbay.

Oh, I was going to say, we're on it.

You're on it and you're on it every time?

Yes?

Who else? Jay Wingarten's on it?

Else? Yes?

And Ahamed Weinberg is on it?

Yes.

And Kara Klank is on it.

I don't know her.

She's great, she's married to Jared Logan, She's from New York's great, she's she's very funny.

Truly one of my favorites. And Chris Hardwick and terrific. He's going to do it and heavy.

To have him on the podcast.

And one of my favorite comedians ever. Mister blank Patch.

Oh, he's the best.

It's going to be such a good shay.

I mean, you know, but his hosting ability maybe he doesn't enjoy it. I think he does enjoy it.

Though we're the hosts.

But I know, but what if you both did It's just an idea. I'm throwing it out there. You both did full sets, because neither of you really get to do that in the middle of the show. What if Blaine just for this once hosted it like he used to host Tiger Lily because he'll do fake sponsors and he'll do his got the best hosting guy. Know.

I've seen him host a million times. He was my friend first. Well, but I mean, I think probably for someone like him because he is the consummate host. I bet he likes to do a normal long set every once in a while. And also he can do all those things. They'll just all be jammed together. You don't have to see some shiit comic in between.

Right, You're right. I guess I've only seen it in that he'll be powerless without someone going up before or after him.

We can definitely interrupt him, jump up and then come come back off anyway, Just run up.

There and go yell cap because I like his name and that was Chris Fairbanks, and then he can do his gags.

When I first met him. I'd only seen his last name in print. I thought his last name. I thought his name was Blaine Kapisach. And that's what I said a couple of times to him, which made him laugh air And.

I'm not making fun of you, but you do. You do jumble people's names sometimes.

I do. I have. I do have a bit of a issue with it.

One time I interviewed David Spade out the thing and uh, my boss said, ask him how many times a day texts Nick Schwartzen? Because I don't know why he did, so, I said, I, how many times a day do you text Nick Swartz Schwartzen? And he said Schwartz? And I don't know Nick Schwartzen. Who's Nick Schwartz? And and they like walked wow. Then later he came back and said, oh, I just didn't want to talk about my friends, so

Said it to someone that under the bus.

Well, yeah, i'd have just kind of made a fool of myself and said his name wrong. Anyway, you called him Nick Schwartzen the other.

Night, so what you're right, I'm not chicking. I don't give a shit.

Do you know how many people have called me Karen killed goref Greff? I mean, no one ever pronounced payback time. Yeah, it's so for all of us to let it go. But anyway, come to the it's a really good show and it's only eight dollars.

It's ten o'clock at night. Do all your other shit?

And what's the date again?

July thirteenth, The second Wednesday of every month is when we do business class.

My plug is July thirteenth, Business class at the improvisation.

Is that your plug too?

Yeah?

Double plug, double plug, filthy.

Yeah, you're welcome. Well, you've been listening to Do you need to Ride? My name is Christian Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff. You've been listening to our podcast? Do you need to ride? D y n A r O RUGA?

Sorry I leave then I.

You wanta way back? Either way?

Wanna be there, doesn't matter how much that is. You give us time and date German?

And do you want to send you off inside? Do you want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about ity scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chris