Ep. 83 - Joe Wagner

I leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim to give us. Time and a turnin on and gage. We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared?

Or was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

We're in the studio, the All Things Comedy Studio, and not in a vehicle.

We went over that last week.

We're just cutting back on the car drives for now. It's nothing official, but I started to have some bad nightmares.

Karen is making some scratching noises.

On the wall, and right now I'm gonna ask her why doing that.

It's a twofold reason. First of all, there's no ambient sound because the studio is built for recording, so it's like everything's uh felt and stuff, and this wall behind me is made of material.

So what used to be the sounds of cars and traffic and honking and potent central accidents and killing of guests is now going to be replaced by us scratching different fabrics, your felts, your leathers, your pleathers.

See if there's a difference there.

You might have to guess the fabric and then you might win a mug.

That'd be a fun segment. A scratch for a plug or a mug.

For a mug for the mug, plug for a.

Mug for a pug. We'll have different dogs, will squeeze them, make and bark. You guess what kind of dog it is?

You get a.

Mug expensive expensive breed dogs, not like not pound dogs. No, the first like two thousand dollars dog.

Logistically, where are we going to get these dogs?

We'll worry about that labor. Let's follow the idea.

We'll go to the pound with us today really quick. Really him is a this is also.

With us today is guess what fabric this is?

This is the first insulment of guests. The fabric Karen scratching. It's and I'll give you one hint. It's dark green.

Yeah, yeah it sound I mean I'm closing my eyes. I didn't really look at the wall. It sounds like it's you're inside a tent. Sounds like a vinyl some kind.

It does like zipping and on zippy. Yeah, yeah, like, oh, is that a bear up? Let me go see. Nope, nope, I better go back to sleep.

Oh, let me see if I remember to hang our garbage from a tree. Yep, yep, it's hanging. Time to go back to bed.

That was also for any fans of Penny Dreadful. If you're watching Penny Dreadful, the whole last episode, Eva Green spent a good long time scratching the walls of her padded cell.

Well, you've sold me on that show. What's it called?

It's called do you need a Ride? Junior? Aka Showtimes Penny Dreadful.

We put the dreadful in the thing that they're already called that. Yeah, sorry, we put the penny. We're making money off dread Here's what I like, Pennies.

About us in the studio. Yes, aside from our complex m and Joe be, what I like is that we.

Haven't introduced you yet. Have you never done a podcast? Go on to Karen, Well.

What I was going to say was that we've we're learning to perfectly talk over each other, just at the end, right right like this, write that sorry, no.

Yes, never, I think that it's a it's all about timing, and boy, do we got it?

You and I.

It's weird to look at your face when we're talking.

I realized that why because we used to be in a car side by side, and if we looked at each other's faces, it would be blood on the highway.

But this is nineteen sixties. This is the side you never said see from from when I was driving.

Unless you were unless you were parallel parking, and you quickly looked over your right shoulder.

I never saw the front of your face.

Yeah, I would sometimes I would turn and look over my right shoulder just to flirt. You ever picked up on that?

Just I remember you oftentimes is adjusting the rear view mirror to look down at one of our guest shirts.

Hey, could you lean forward a little bit and tell that story again?

Real slow? It's for sound reasons.

It's all for sound.

Do you mind wearing this? It's everyone does it.

It's a cool jumpson zip that would be great to scratch. Oh god, it's kind of a welcome jumps.

Anyhow, if you've been good. Have you just tuned in? Welcome to Scratching Fabrics. Today's our guest Today, today.

Is our guests.

Oh, today, our guest is the Sabbath, brought to you by the Fallen Soldiers.

Joe Wagoner. That's not Wagoner, just cleariness sinuses.

I thought that was a hot opening.

By the way, from the Long Shot podcast, from many television shows he's produced, from many things. He's from my second writing job.

He's a director of a stage program that I that I was part of that was fun.

A U c B stage program that's more important.

Yes, seven years running?

Is that true? Yeah, Jesus, it's still fun.

It's still fun. That's like the one thing it has to be, which is like, oh, I enjoyed doing this and it's one one week out of the month.

Because we do it for Saturday every month.

Perfect.

And I see all those friends justin enough it's fun, just enough and it's fun. They're like Chris can it does it. They're all really good and they and they have they have a good time. We have just like two rehearsals, but we actually have a good time. Like there's more laughs than it was fun.

We were in the middle of rehearsing, and I thought to myself, God, it's been a while since I've been to a party, and then I remembered it was a party.

I just don't get out of the party.

It's a fucking fire.

It's a party, Lime Ofrida.

I am drinking. For the record, I'm drinking on the podcast.

That's right, talk about your beverage.

This is a bud Light Mangarta.

And you're already what season? Did you pledge that already?

I'm going to go see neighbors to at the l a city walk.

Yeah, in a few hours.

Is this true?

Or any listeners wanted to meet me up?

Oh? This isn't live right? Are you saying streaming? It's it?

You have to go to the sun Dance Theater or something to say that?

Right? Wait? Is that that's what it's called now? Right? The Robert Redford? Is that what us to be?

Sunset?

Sunset?

Right?

That's how you said it?

A podcast?

Yeah?

It was, Oh you were raving about I was say, Karen, So, I don't know if this is weird, but I am kind of a podcast super fan, and like I listened to the last just before getting here, so I've just been listening to you guys in my head for like it was an hour and twelve minutes.

Oh that was a longer one.

Yeah, well it was the first one. Here.

Did you notice what was different about that?

But of course I did. You were not in the car right there. You were not in the car.

Additional thing that I didn't know until recently, I for the first time I ever forgot to put the song.

See, that's funny. I thought that was a creative choice because you were not in the car and there was a there's a there's a format transition happening.

Yes, I knew about and I knew about the transition. I knew about rebbae something reggae song. We'll think about it.

Those are fun things to play games with the listeners. Listeners out there start sending in your ideas.

Yeah, I just suggest a type of music.

It's fun. Podcast listener are very creative.

People are going to make and stuff if we created is that song?

They love the song?

Oh okay, it is very catchy.

I mean, I hope you're not offended if I'd say I think it's one of your best songs.

No, I actually love that song and I literally wrote it in probably fifteen minutes. It's great, it came right out.

That's when that's how hits are made.

I agree, that's what Nil Sadaka said. Yeah, what were you going to say? Though you noticed?

Well, you were picking up on it right now at the beginning. The simple fact that you guys can look into each other's eyes as you're talking changes a dynamic.

Karen made a scary face. Karen made a scary eye face.

It was as funny as like a cat meme, like look like when cats are seeing something and it looks like blowing their mind.

That was like a cat look an at a cucumber.

With the one pau starting to go up all classic.

Yeah, now, I mean that changes the dynamic of conversation and comedy and you're not you So all the focus you had to put on literally driving a vehicle is now has to now come back into just like, hey, let's keep talking.

Some people appreciated that we had to deal with that, and they noticed that we were at times it was troubling.

But now are they going to miss? That? Was it?

I don't care what they want, We don't.

Well, that's I think I think that's the right attitude.

Actually, because you have to just do like whatever it is that feels right with podcasting. That's the one art form we cannot let become tainted by the other person on the side of the exchange. Yeah, it's not take it as you fucking get.

It, like poetry, like a poetry slam.

Just like a poetry slam.

I think that we were or I was probably heavy on the No, no one's gonna like that.

If you don't like it, don't say anything or what I think.

I kept saying that because all the the Twitter activity was like, hey, I like the new format. Don't don't beat yourselves up. No, No, I guess you can.

Really elicit exactly the response you get by just being a touch manipula.

Yeah, that's all you got to do.

You age. That's how I got booked on the show.

I tweeted that I was something like I'm open to change in evolution.

About you guys.

Yeah, like as a fan, I'm open to it.

And that support got him booked on the show.

And we don't need to change the name of the podcast, right.

No, although ironically I love that I'm the first guest in the studio version. And if anybody could use a ride, Like, of all the guests you've ever had, I haven't driven a car for like five years.

Did you have to take two.

Buses one bus?

That's the best thing about living downtown is that as far as like how many things I have to take, usually it's there's just something direct I can jump on.

Maybe that's what we change. We'll just change the name of the podcast too. Did you need a ride? Because we didn't.

Give one, We'll just.

At the end of the show.

You need you did you?

Did you play the using horns.

And now do the one where the little guy goes up the.

You know what I get three hundred gift searched recently.

Plinko.

Oh I have a Planko machine.

They made they made its own version.

It's a vertical pinball like machine. Oh that's part chenko.

Oh but see maybe that's the that's what the price is, right, guys did probably they were like, oh, we'll make our version.

We call it Plinko real quick.

Yeah, there's no such thing called parchenko. Just you know, there's par cheese.

It's a crack. That's as crack. He got me with the chart par cheesy part.

Why you're thinking of wheatsworth?

Oh?

I'm thinking of pis which that's Cereal.

Yeah, that's the one that I used to pick mainly of that joke.

Any thoughts, Joe.

Chris Picks, Chris fixed Cereal, Chris Picks. Yeah, I knew you didn't get it.

I knew you. I'm drunk mang Oh god, I want to say.

That I would kill to drink that manga rita.

It's not it's see. I wonder sometimes if you crave the booze.

I don't crave the drink like a like, I'm not sweating or anything. I just think about how the great, awesome personnelity I used to have when I'd be at the bottom of one of those oh my god, kicking my leg up in the air and telling people, what's what? I was so free.

You only make me feel better about what I'm doing right now, because I think when I get about there of the day, it's just like.

It's going to be golden grams for you.

Yeah, And I'm going to a party leader And I know they're young kids. Lauren Brown's thing.

Don't know or don't know or don't know, I don't know Missus Brown's.

I still I always dip my toe back into the to the newest.

Cycle of children of comedy, of dreamers.

I love dreamers of today, the young the younger dreamers, millennials.

Sure that you do that.

That's smart. Then you get to stand around at other people's houses.

I got.

But the problem is that, like I feel like I'm like you sometimes I get that feeling that I'm in right in the middle of some the social cycles. So like, I don't hang out with my married with kid friends from.

Why would you? What good would it be?

Except for Paul?

But that's cool because staying on the couch with the two girls watching like Doctor Sue's great. I mean, But then I'm also not I don't hang around the millennials enough to know, like, okay, perfect example, Like today I was online and I because people have posted pictures of like hey at that glitter party, and I knew all the people, and I was like, oh, I wasn't I invited to the glitter party. I don't get Is it because I'm a forty three year old man.

And I'm not going to beat myself up about it?

I think because I'm fun at parties, but no one invites me to ship anymore.

Well, it's I think on the west side.

Because I'm on the west side side, and the chances I'll go that sounds really fun.

I love glitter, and I won't show up.

Are you by the Are you near the train, the train to the ocean.

I'm near the ocean. There ain't no trains.

I thought you were Culver City.

No, no, no more.

I went it's all the way out.

I went on New Venice Marina.

All it would take, though, is if you had one you and Nate had another party at your apartment, and you invite all those glitteraties, those glitter children the glitter party, you'd be back in the mix. That's all it takes is people need to feel like they're open to your house and you're open to their. So that's all it takes.

Yeah, I need to extend a brand.

I don't put that. See, I don't put that out.

Yeah. No one's ever seen where you live for the past fifteen years.

Gabe, Well, no, like three.

People used to live in the Midnight show house house the show we were talking about, the Sketch show.

Everyone lived in this house and it was yes, yes.

When when everyone had moved out, I.

Used to get drunk and then I didn't want to drive all the way back to the beach. I'd sleep on the couch and just wake up with flea bites all the way out my legs.

I assume the original Bad Boys of Comedy you Byre DVD?

Yeah, because what's worse than fleas? You know, you imagine a guy and you're like, he's such a bad boy. Motorcycle, leather jacket infested with fleas?

Did I did I ever tell you? Guys?

Did you know everyone stayed slim there because the kitchen induced vomiting?

Sorry, that's the last stab.

It was discussed, you know what.

The worst one was like four months after Thanksgiving and being able to mark time because it was the Thanksgiving Day dishes that were still in the sink, like and being like, oh well those have been there now.

Oh wow, So I'm assuming that there's only dudes in this sketch group.

Now the Midnight show actually has has one female member. We're trying to change that. It's been too long like that. But but she's brilliant. Heather and Campbell who.

She's the best of sketch right.

She took one of the last improv classes with Doug closed because she was like seventeen in Chicago, and then she went she did like that Boom Amsterdam thing for a while.

And so she's on drugs.

She's really good. She's she's an amazing performer and writer. But only one woman. But in the house, it was all dudes, and it was you know did so. I was gonna tell you guys that I lived in that back room on.

The first floor.

You had your own apartment there.

Yeah, it was like kind of my own I had my I had doors, which is what I had, you know, my entrance.

I was hanging out the window and you gave me a ladder, but you didn't know how to lock the ladder. So I got on the ladder and there's Charlie Chaplin. Thing happened where I went, and I just landed.

In one of those viral like the guy falling.

How did you get a hanging out the window in the first place?

Oh, something happened and I climbed out the bathroom window.

Something happened, Yeah, just.

Some boozing and little game of poking, tackle and.

Shucking and giving.

It was like you went into the bathroom of your secretary and then your wife brought the roads into the dining room.

It's not what you think, but there was a bra on my finger. He's had a.

Big wide tie.

Mister Drake's almost here. We have to clean this up, get the ladder.

Anyway, I lived in a back apartment that had a fireplace and there turned out to be a giant beehive in the fireplace, like gigantic.

I think that's good luck and smoke them out.

What would happen was what would happened was the bees would come down the fireplace into my room, but they would go there was something about whatever kind of bees they were, they would go straight to the windows and they would try to get out, and they would hit themselves against the windows so much that they would die.

And then like the beginning of the ring or something.

Yeah, sometimes I would see him out, I know, And there were some dark there were dark there were dark days there, and to have like bees coming out and seeing them like dead or flying around like I was like, this is it didn't feel right?

No, the devil's work.

Yeah, and so then eventually the landlords. You now, of course the landlord hired someone that wasn't a professional. There's some guy and he tried to smoke them out and like ended up there was like he was he started a fire at the top and was like trying to put it out.

Wait did he hire Chris Yeah, to get on his ladder and smoke the bees?

What are you guys, dung?

Don't question what I know. I'm wearing a talk I'm wearing a top at I have a giant broom.

Bees and please it all had.

Bacup uh please and please?

How many sketches were about bees? And how many were about please?

Well no, I mean you know, it was a solid material. But I would for a while. I mean they finally actually and then he put up a mesh so that they wouldn't come out anymore. But for a while I would just scoop up handfuls of dead bees.

God, did you ever get stuck?

Yeah?

You're not supposed to have stung one.

Well here's the thing.

The first couple of times I saw them flay out, I was like, oh my god, am I going to get stung? Are they coming from me, and I would see the pattern. They would just go to the windows. They never came at me. And then I did get stung once, and I think it was more of an accidental thing where I kind of walked into his flight.

Flight right, you should have stayed on your side of the room and Laverna.

Surely, Yeah, I thought I could walk.

Around my space.

I just picture you also.

Watch in the middle.

He's my favorite thing to imagine as you there being bees in your room and you're just getting in bed and getting under the covers.

It's just please be, hurt.

Be And the funniest one voiced by Jerry Seinfeld.

One, I'm gonna land on that eyebrow?

Who is that guy?

Do we know him?

Is it apartment or is it his apartment?

He needs to clean out the cereal boxes.

Remember how Seinfeld was like, hey, look I have like seventeen cereal Cereal.

That was part of his personality.

I was like Lenno with the cars, but Cereal and the cars, Oh god, he loves them, wasting all my time, time, wasting my time.

The best lyric of the cars is something about brushing your rock and roll hair. That's the best.

Oh, I like that was always cool because he looked weird too, just like Blaine.

He really looks.

Yeah.

I think they all everyone here, those two combined become Richard Belzer.

Yes, that's exactly right. They're like a little family that should have been a movie. Oh so I really meant that.

Richard Belzer and we made it.

So I listened to the first episode. I want to bring up a couple of things.

Okay, okay, notes like.

I googled going to make I feel non legitimate human?

Okay, this is something you.

Brought up that you said police offers are saying. So I googled it and mostly got hockey stuff. I put it in NHL sure, and then I put it and then I also put in non legitimate human.

An l H was what you were looking for?

I just got hockey nothing.

No, I'm not you hear non black assailant or NBA If you google that, they hide that with.

A lot of basketball photos.

I'm a big non black assailant Fanly are you following the playoffs?

Oh my god, I swear they say not. Do you remember them saying not legitimate human in.

That No that you said, that's what the guy said. Oh and then you said they said that in the documentary.

The two times I've heard it's.

Not even that documentary, he said, But anyway, I looked at that was fun to do as a listener, little little okay, goose chases and stuff.

Sure. Sure, I already told Karen it's Coke Brothers.

Because we were saying copped, I was, I said, And then you started to go via into like couch. Oh you do know what comedy is right that we would be doing.

Oftentimes someone will tell a story and then to punch it up, they'll make up.

You know, it's not always true.

We do a lot of mispronunciations.

Yes, I'm a big fan of that.

I'm a big fan of I already I sent a text to your said.

Seana Harper in School of Truth in Comedy.

I've never read any of those books. You're a show burglar because you started say show business, but became a show burst something show burglar, yeah, and then that became show burglar. You're a show burglar. And then you complimented him in Largo. And then it's fun when you hear a friend have to try to take a compliment and they're.

Like, oh, thank you, Hey, well, I want to thank you for listening to the podcast.

You know, you guys know I've been a fan since the beginning.

Joe really has been with us since day one.

So you're able to take.

A compliment because I was like, that's a great hook. And if they that that they always keep doing it forever in perpetuity as a podcast in the car, then it'll work.

But we but but Joe, we've stopped. We aren't in the car. What are you saying, I'm on a bike. Get out of the way. I'll get you in the lock.

I like that.

And then at the end you're like, well this feels better because of the safety element.

It's like a truck, a.

Truck through the studio right now, kill just hitting all this.

I was so funny, display funny.

You guys are really funny.

Thanks.

But it's been great hanging out Sunday afternoon, Monday afternoon?

Are you going to go to that glitter party later?

I glitter buy some glitter before I go there?

Is that the new thing?

You know? What's so funny? I did ask ask cast what if you had you broke your ass? You had to wear an ass cast to ask cast, it look like a white Peach Prisoner of ask CA me on. I left there and it was only nine thirty and I had my makeup on and kind of.

A good out and now you're jazz.

I was jazz because I was so scared, but I did it anyway and it was crazy fun and great. And then I was like, where's the party at? And I was like, just drive home, Grandma, And you don't know where the party's at anymore.

There's so many more moments like that now, and the toughest thing is because they're coming right off of like a hi, you feel good and you want to It's like when you realize that maybe it's rare than not to be like I want to be around people because I feel like I can share a goodness about me.

Yes, for once, I'm not all poudy and weird and isolated. I better. I've got my eyebrows on, let's go bring it to the city. And instead it's like, oh, oh, April's out of town, George is married. I guess I'll go home and pet my goddamn bo.

Well, you know, if I hear any regular parties will snap at you the directions, it would.

Never go to it.

I don't ever.

I'll never do snapchat ever. We talked about that.

Oh yeah, did you get so you're not on it? But and no, no, no neither. And I've already seen it in a couple of writing packet submissions of like, hey, give us three ideas that are Snapchat based.

Yeah, that happened when Ello came out. Don't worry about it. Can pitch out some lo Llo segments. Remember when everyone freaked out about joining l and literally was fifteen seconds. Snapchat is for children in junior high.

And comedians, so that's like all these comics. But yeah, what are you going to do in that short amount of time?

Well, some people are just come to my show.

Here's my dick.

I just always well, some people are creative and they're funny because they just have so much excess energy and they have to keep creating.

But yeah, they don't have to. That's if we looked at it, if we lay it all the content down and gave it a letter, like we were in snapchat high school, many people would be failing. I'm still to leave that high school.

What about this periscope thing? That's how long?

That makes more sense? It's like, don't that that's.

More entertaining because you're just filming something so everyone can see it.

Right, This reminds me should I do that?

Then?

Guys, I'm looking for help career advice.

Periscope is going to get you this time onto it if.

You're asking to do it.

I'm not drawn to it. I'm not drawn to it. I don't want to.

I mean, I I love Rody Stevens, but when I'm at it's like he'll he's to aim a camera at yourself and do a thing. I just don't have.

The not to say. He's riddled with all this confidence.

I mean, whatever makes you want to do that, I don't have it, which is why my career is in the shadder.

Just kidding it.

You have a TV show, yeah, yeah, but that's gonna go away, and then I'll be like, why the hell wasn't I periscoping this whole time?

Plan B.

I was.

I saw somebody we know, I might seeing their name, but there ony guess and then they were talking on how like.

And by the way, that's why I brought up Brodie State. I watch his all the time, drumming in his car. I'll watch all thirty minutes, so I'm not talking smack about bro dog.

No no, no, but that is reflective of a certain mental complexes. Moving on, But this person was saying, like how he used the word meaningless a late night stand up set spot is now compared to like Carson Dan and means. There was just something about the way they said meaningless. I was like, that's come on, man, like, that's not it's not that bad, like you know, well.

It's not good.

It's not going to deliver you into a holding deal at NBC. Yeah, those days are over right, right, but it's the way to get people to know that you're a performer.

Yeah, it's not going to give Joe Durest a cop show when it shouldn't happen.

Yeah, Joe DeRosa.

Seeing the traffic copy stand up and he got the tail end of the Seinfelder's at like a stand up getting.

To post Kevin James.

And then I opened for him at Agua Caliente Casino and man, he's he's still upset about that show not taking off recently.

Hard to be around, very difficult to be around. Jimmy Bardo.

Actually, this is not an easy business, right guys.

No, it isn't.

Well, you know what it makes big promises and then you think, oh, this is how it's going to be now, But really all you're getting is something for a short amount of time. Then you have to get something else after.

It's the secret to enjoying life and appreciating things or keeping your expectations very low. And what I've done simple every four hours, simple living, compost piles.

That's good. And also, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to read it out. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid ever. And I don't care if someone's pulled a gun on you or if the doctor told you have terminal cancer. Do not be afraid, be not afraid. I God before you always come follow me, and I will give you rest.

I hate it when you guys fight. I hate it when you guys fight.

That could have been so nice.

Rest going to hell.

I have a quick follow up song.

What the fuck was that song?

And how dig you both know it? I've never heard of in my life.

I thought you were gonna do Motley Cruz shot.

At the Devil.

We're Catholics.

That's just the.

Was instant, like deep in the brain somewhere seered into you hear that song.

Never be able to sing the first.

I guess I would have known if you guys were standing and kneeling during it. Come on, I do a lot of Catholic materials, even though I myself a church.

There's a lot of up actolite altar.

Boy. Oh really cute?

Yeah, well, when I was younger, I did have chair of black hair, highly molestable.

Peece is flowing like a remember that's my flowowing out of you. Ally I started too low, flow out into the dessert, saiding all your captives free.

Wow, that our captives I want. It's still, We'll be right back.

That's the funny thing. I don't remember what any of it was referring to what I know. It was very Jesus centric.

The pieces, I think, or his body chill like his way for pieces.

Oh would you there's a Jesus.

Jesus pieces? Hey, you guys, what if it's the cool the cool priest?

It was like, hey, who wants a handful of Jesus pieces?

I went to cool I went to cool priests a couple of times when as a young teenager I had questions about the faith.

Oh could you mind join it? Are you going to?

No?

It was because I went to a Christian I went up until sixth grade. I went to a a like a Protestant Christian school elementary school, but I was going to Catholic mass and it was like Christian enough that we would learn like Bible scripture, like memorize and stuff. And there was a girl that I took the bus with that was like, there's no purgatory, Like you guys made that up.

There's like it doesn't.

Exist, you guys on the bush.

You Catholics. Oh made up purgatory. And I didn't really know enough about it. And I was like, oh, so, I guess. I came home and I was like, so, what's it, What's up with purgatory? And then they're like, oh, well, we'll take you to cool father.

Father Bob, the one.

Oh he did for There are two.

Things I remember very specifically. He once cited Barry Gibbs song lyrics and a sermon.

Cool.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm just trying to think of what it could have been.

And then when I went into his office, his rectory office, he had do you guys maybe this was this was I think a very eighties Spencer's Gifts kind of thing. He had a a glass leader bottle of coke, but the the glass had been melted, so it was like all twisty.

Oh you get those at the fair? Yeah, did have sand in it?

No, it's just it was just this all this weird twisted up intact glass coke bottle.

Yeah.

And I was like, that is so cool. I thought, like, that's the ship I would like in my room.

Like and he was like, Joe, to answer your question, the answer to purgatory is you just gotta keep staying alive, Sana. That took me seven minutes to come up with.

You couldn't take a one GiB.

I remember racking and racking my brain. Jeez.

And he said it, well, he said it while walking around the room holding a paint can.

He slapped every all of his family members around the dinner table.

So yeah, yeah, you.

Just need to worry about getting into heaven in the meantime. I actually trip out over this twisty coke bottle. Crazy something, you don't know.

He struck me as a good man. Yeah, yeah, like a decent guy.

There was a priest that left like and I remember even as a kid, I know he was. He was older Italian dude and he scared the ship on me because he was They had prepared us for first confession, and I walk in and he was the priest listening, you know, hearing the confessions, and he they just told us like basically, prepare your list, say it. Then the priest will tell you to say this prayer like they take you through it as a kid. It's nerve wracking.

Do that.

The other side?

And I don't know what it was.

Maybe I lied to my mom, Yeah.

Why did he do that?

And it's stuck with me for years because I was like, well, that will be the question for the rest of my existence, why did you do that?

But I didn't added as an eight year old couldn't.

But what you couldn't see is on the other side of that screen, that dark screen that you basically can only see their their profile through. He he had a huge handle of old Crow and he's just like silently guzzling at it.

He got one of those bags of Jesus pieces, Jesus.

Going to town.

Why am I?

Why am I doing this?

Ugers like tostitos and drinking some old terrible rot gut liquor like the dead.

Oh, I just thought of one more freaky church experience ahead because of the Eucharist. So there's a there's a rule where you're not supposed to eat, basically eat an hour before you receive the Eucharist.

So you can have water. You can have water, but.

Rules fast for an hour before you take the eugress.

As a kid, no running, no bottles, no cutoffs.

As a kid, it might have been a hot dog. I don't know, but I had I ate.

Something I don't remember, and then I went to Mass, and as I'm walking up to receive the Eucharist, I suddenly am like, I think it's been like forty seven minutes, Like hasn't been a full hour. So I take the Eucharist and I'm freaking out, and I go to the bathroom and I spit out the eucharst and I flush it down the toilet.

Jesus is my peace.

Why did you do it?

Because I didn't want to break the rule that was in my head. It didn't occur to me that symbolically spitting out the bio.

Christ toilet in a toilet of all places.

And then it is now I'm like, if I don't tell my family this, Like I just felt like I was going to be taken down to hell, right, So I went to my aunt. We hadn't even left the mass yet, and I said, Glorya, I think it hadn't been an hour. And I spit out to you Christ in the toilet, and she was like, well, we have to we should talk to the priest right now.

What God, I hate your family.

It's all with love. It was all done with love. It was all done with love and and but that's where the priest was able to actually make the first nuance of like dogma, because he was like, yes, it's a yes, fast for an hour, but it's okay if that doesn't happen, Like you don't have to. It's not like if you ingest it, it's gonna burn inside you sure.

Like a sin.

You hate your old child who doesn't understand what's happening anyway. That's I mean that right there is the proof that you shouldn't have to be involved in anything until you're like sixteen. No one knows what the fuck is going on.

I'm not saying there could be improvements to the whole CCD structure.

Here's what I do love. I will say this since my family is strictly Catholic, and because this is my aunt Mary, then Mary Mary the n She is the best person on this planet. I absolutely adore her. She's the most positive, hilarious, She the last a real life nun, has been her whole life amazing. She is such a great example of what's good about religion because she is just fun, hilarious, positive, and is completely of service all the time. She also, uh, somebody wants somebody else in

It is my favorite moment too, Karen, because it's so like you're saying it's so that last release valve of like because it's been building up the whole time, because all you do is you say, if to do Mass right, it's very simple. You just have to be conscious and listening and in the moment, even if they're boring, then you're like sometimes my biggest things like going to Mass is when especially as a performer, when it's not a strong speaker.

The priest is not a strong speaker, and.

It's tough because it's like what you're selling is so hard already. You gotta bring a little showmanship and possess something. The first time we had a priest walk down, it was a Latin American priest that came to our parish and he was the first guy who walked away from the lectern and had the wireless mic and started like

Keep your place? Priests?

But it was.

There.

I mean I still I see like when I go home for the holidays, I've gone home now enough. So many times where I've had to, I've had the oldest priest in the parish, and even my mom and aunt will be like, we went to one service and they're like, we hope you don't have to.

Get the old priest aig in because they know he's like he's a wash, he's a wash.

Yeah, there's a priest now. In our church. We always had Monsignor Tillman, who it looked like a sketch. He was wearing glasses that were so magnified that you'd just stare at his eyes. You were just like, it looked like a joke. And he was the worst public speaker. He had been doing it for literally forty years. And one time he got stabbed on the altar during mass. What a person, crazy person that I had. It's a

The worst thing is when when they literally like a homily sermon, it could be about twelve, it's about twelve, it's no more than like fifteen minutes, but they they eat up the first seven eight minutes by literally restating what was just heard in the first two readings. It drives me fucking nuts. I go crazy even and again, like my mom when my mom is complaining or my aunt is complaining, like I know it's bad, and even my aunt. My aunt recently was like I want you,

Wow.

So she was like I would just want to write a short email to them and say like, hey, maybe don't recap what we've just heard, like and and the other point being like like you're saying, Karen, as far as like you got to get something out of the ritual to take into the next six days of the week, Like it has to be communicated in a way that

A as a ritual.

It's like you're supposed to basically get some help in dealing with the next six days of the world.

Yeah, this was It was from back in a time where people enough therapists and people doesn't even talk to each other. You pretty much didn't talk to anyone outside your family, right, and so you were basically there to be.

Like, don't look at therapy.

Like anytime I've mentioned therapy to my moment and my aunt, they're just like, I just see it doesn't register.

Well, it's from a different time. It's like, that's kind of for Kooch's and beat me.

Yeah, that's pagan.

And then I snapped my way out of the living room.

Cool daddy, thanks for the flying. This has been a doctrine talk with Joe and Karen. Thank you for being here. Made a big difference.

I swear this would have happened if you guys had been zipping on the four or five. For sure.

You're right, yeah, I wouldn't.

I would have been concentrating on driving though, because I know nothing.

I think.

Sorry, we just basically I'm listening.

I was.

That was very interesting.

I mean I grew up.

My parents were like, we don't think anything happened. That's easy.

Well you had just I learned last week you had bleeding nipples from East Camps.

It's not insane.

Sounded like a horm yeah.

Yeah.

It was very scary and the sound just them. That was the first time I heard people say your parents are going to.

Hell unless you save them. That's a ship.

Yeah, that's eleven, twelve years old, whatever it was. And then that night the whistling you know I'm talking about when a bunch of kids are yeah, and it's like someone has a bugger in their nose and it goes hmmm. And then another kid and his snoring was like, hey, so I just turned this in my head. I thought the devil was in me. I heard just people going yeah, like it turned in there's this emotion as such to it.

I thought that was people lambs being drowned in the lake.

Yeah, feasting on my nipples, like one of Jesus is peace.

Well. Also, because you got it all at once, like we got brought into it slowly, Charlie, while you're suddenly you become conscious sitting in the church like oh, this old thing that you're hearing in the background.

I think that, yeah, giving it all to me at once like that, and never having heard anything like that, even for my friends and my family, the friends families that weren't religious, so I didn't even have a warning about this. And all of a sudden, I think I was having like an anxiety attack, and that's why there was this weird emotion attached and background devil stuff.

It happened after that a.

Few times, like I feel like the world's closing in on me, and then all these beard background screaming.

But that was one of the first times, and I'm.

Like, well, I have the devil in me. I guess I just learned that he can just go in your fly.

Up your butt.

How ironic here at Christian camp. Yeah, the devil came in.

The one place I knew I should have gotten the cabin with a stronger front door.

Oh, that's just reminded me. There's a there's a new.

Jesus the movie, Yeah, about the Devil.

Ewan McGregor. Have you heard of it?

Is it a horror movie?

No, it's it's it's about in the Bible. There's a point where I think he had a couple of puzzles of time disciples, but he goes off into the desert for like forty days and it's a specific test that he has to do, and the devil appears in the desert and tries to keep tempting him.

Try to steal his crickets and honey, right.

And then he comes back.

But it's based.

On that time and Ewan McGregor plays Jesus.

Jesus it is a period thing. It's modern day.

No, it's period. It's period, but it's done a period.

Is this Bible story a period piece?

Is twenty sixty month.

Is it sett in Soho, New York.

Yeah, I'm gonna take the subway.

Jesus No, look at that guy walking across the.

Tracks, but watch off of the food rail.

Basically, that's my kind of superhero movie. Hell yeah, ask me the original superhero JC.

She just she's trying to be cool.

All this talk is reminding me of a lady that used to sit in the back of our church, Saint Vincent's Church in Petam, California. It's a gorgeous place. I think they even had postcards, very old fashioned looking inside. There was a lady that always, always was sitting in the last pew all in her widow's blacks and with a lace fucking veils, and she would be saying the Rosary. So at my school, which was up the street, they would walk us down to do shit. All the time.

That sounds that would trigger my Yeah.

Oh but when you walked by her, if girls walked by her, she would go pretty pety peaty.

Oh my god, I'm fucking chilled to the boat right now.

She's horrifying.

It was amazing.

And then she would lift her head and she had cloudy eyes. She had like no pupils.

I saw what you did. Why did you do that?

Why do you lie?

Oh my god.

I mentioned that lady that with the road around town. My mom was the sewer billing person. She burned her. Yeah, okay, she rode a bike around like like the Wicked Witch and with a black veil.

That's like a scary lady thing.

Yes it is, And not that I had my doubts about a black veil ever being scary, but I think it's like a trend.

Sorry, can I change it super quick?

Yeah?

You can't stay in the Catholic church much longer.

Well, I was gonna say that's kind of stuff. Is much easier in a cathedral. If you're ever like in a nice like a cathedral, like European cathedrals, that exact thing makes it seem historical. In a town church, you're like I'm in a horror movie. That's the difference. Like the place is beautiful, and I've been so.

Many experiences where it was like.

You and and the cant you're seeing all the candles are you know, the votive candles, and you're like, Okay, there's something here rather than just like the Conjuring three.

My dad came home from church time when my sister lived to my parents, and it was when I was you know, I'm sure it was like the mid nineties down here, and my sister goes, where were you? And my dad goes a church praying for your sister, and he meant it it was that was real. But I was going to switch it to this talking about creepy things around town. I the other day was turning left from Western onto Franklin, and I saw a man jog buy and he.

Was wearing It wasn't me, it was me.

He was wearing running shorts, no shirt, a baseball hat, and a black nylon mask with no bibles.

Like moutha, oh my God.

And he came around the corner kind of fast, and I was like, oh well, And then it was one of those things that looked.

Like what did that do? He didn't want pollution.

I don't know, or he didn't want people to see who he was. It was that damon. I don't know. But his body is gorgeous and perfect and all like it. It's all the same, you know, even perfectly even tone. Shilah boof so I tweeted that, right, I said, I just said that, and I put the last phrase in all caps and a black nylon mask with no last night, I get a get a tweet back at me. I wonder what the baseball hat was about. And I look at the profile picture. It was him and in his

What yeah was up?

Did his profile picture have the black mask?

Now his profile picture?

Yeah, Chint, did you recognize because he studied his body pretty?

Why are you guys five VII?

We appreciate the human figure. Come on, give me some more. We'll talk to Karen and.

Yeah, alright, anyway, your experience.

That's all.

I just I guess I want to say it publicly. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. This could be the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I like in podcasts when there's a runner comes up and you don't know what it's going to be in life.

Right, and this time it's literally a runner it is.

You're right, I was speaking trade lingo. The runner is a recurring joke and half hour situation company.

He could be my new best friend.

I wonder, you know, you're intrigued by his.

What if he's horribly disfigured in you know, it's it's got to be a pollution.

Then he doesn't want to.

Breathe or yeah, or he doesn't, he just doesn't. He probably wants to jog as he wants. He probably wants to jog naked, that's the feeling I get. And so he is pretty much naked, like it's just little jogging shorts right sort totally. So he I don't know, maybe he just doesn't want people see who he is black.

I guess that's better than what if it was flesh colored, man.

I guess flesh probably would be bad, and also maybe eye holes and mouthfuls would be worse. That would just be like a bank rubber jogging.

Yeah, he'd probably get shot by cops immediately.

But I don't know. I mean, it is very I'm.

Married about him.

I'm not making fun if a cops. If you're running and you have a black mask, it's like, well that guy looked the next.

It's like a cartoon of a jogger, right, so.

Then you should rob A man can wear jogging clothes and just like run. That's what I decided.

Oh, man, I just wrote a movie script and we got our runner anyway.

And it's exciting.

But also I want to come that in the cyberspace.

Right.

He's not going to pick me up at the airport, probably.

No, but he wants sex with you. Hello, Cared. I wonder what the hat was about.

Usually I don't wear anything on my head when I'm going down town.

I think it's very bold. Finally, to see a man's naked body as a profile picture. You always see women. You always see women who are trying to colly add their boobs up into their face picture I love that.

There's a specific selfie that most.

Young girls like Fireplace Mantle.

There's a real one called the sink shot that Kim Kardashian basically started and it took off. And the sink shot or the sink selfie, which is the girl the girl puts her ass up on the sink just a little bit and it makes your ass go out, and it's just it's just a little trick to make their ass look bigger.

Why would.

Ye but for your boat exactly, but for your butt.

Look at the show.

Yeah, has big bicycle.

Yeah yeah, but it's just.

Gone.

My arms are gone.

It looks like a podcast magic Syrian refugee.

We're talking.

Oh it's a sink shot because she did it in one of her photography books that sold a million gajillion copies, and now it's a I read about this in a

Parents are starting to forget.

I mean, there are many of them make porn.

It's just a reality.

Porn is the thing that keeps kind of popping up. And one of the examples is like, first of all, the girls, because of the Internet, they're actually like a little bit more self aware, but they also think that they have there's it's like I can't really do anything about it, Like I kind of know it's fucked up, but I still we still have to play the game or else we have no life. That's what they think.

That's what they think.

Then you have the boys who are literally watching porn on their phone at school. Yeah, and this one girl she talked to said, well, my friend was giving a presentation and the teacher was sitting in the back of the class and a couple of dudes were in the front, and then it was like Q and A and one of the guys was like, you have a question, blah blah blah, and then he's like holding up the phone showing the girl that he's playing a porno on his phone in the class, and the.

Girls question about the porno. It was a little off topic.

What lighting, kid? Are they using this?

It's gorgeous. I think that's a DP scene. But can we talk about the monologue.

Music, cleague lights, it's.

All joking aside, it's really serious.

Who cares? Let them fuck each other?

Did the teacher see them? Multiple?

No?

And then but no. Of course.

The thing was that the girls didn't go to the teacher like they just were like, he's not gonna do like, nothing's gonna happen, Like we know it's wrong, but they have no faith in any of the authority figures.

Wait, sorry what He held up a porn as if to say, I'm watching this?

Do you so just to fuck with her?

Okay, well listen Tony Felly. When I played the Virgin Mary where now we're back at Saint Francis Church. I got to play the Virgin Mary in the Christmas processional. And when I got up to the front, I was wearing my mother's blue robe and that weird towel around my head. I was holding the baby at the Virgin Mary, and I was in all my glory. I couldn't have

God, thank god he was. I really thought he was going to be a master man.

It was the bird. It was the eighties version of what the story you just told. We've been having to deal with things like this all our.

Lives, agreed. Agreed. I'm just saying the.

Social media the latest version is.

Like and it was the one where it's all finger and no, it's very upsetting look all that. Yeah, but he also knew it would be funny because it was like, I'm flipping off the virgin Mary, but she has to look over here. It was kind of great. Actually, you know what now.

That I look back, Yeah, that kid's great.

I loved it, and he's hilarious.

It was a better time before social media.

It really was, because you had to get creative and be low key.

No.

I think about people are always like, oh yeah, but in France they the newscasters are naked. It's a better and there's so much shame behind it, and and and I agree that there's too much violence.

And then it's awful to show the top of some mask guy's dick. But but I don't.

I think it's sad because sex was such a mystery and everything, and I think in my life it was made it more exciting and I appreciated it more now that even you know, the youngest kid has seen antal penetration on his.

The's two things too much to the two things that she the you kind of tell at the end is that because of the Internet, there's so much more porn to watch, so it's being watched. And then at the same time the teenagers are getting on there's like they have their own apps for dating, even if it's not like the official ones age limits. So boys basically are

But don't, I mean there are people who treated women like that already without any of without any of the Internet existing. I mean, you're really talking about a personality type. And this is this comes down to parenting. Like moren Who's you know, was a college freshman when she was on our podcast. We've talked to her all that kind of stuff, and it's like that that whole idea of if I don't do this, I won't have a life

I think what I got from it just and each chapter is an age. So the first chapter is thirteen, and she goes up to nineteen. And the thing that you see is that, of course, because of the exponential Internet growth, it goes, it goes younger, faster, just fucked up.

Yeah? I just I guess I'm just saying I think these pressures of it because we've always coming down to how it is to be a girl. It's it's almost like everyone's starting to it's all like barfing up, but how it actually is to grow up as a girl. And it fucking sucks because you become an object of sexual attraction and you have to figure out how to manage that. And some of us go to seven eleven and eat as many doritos as they can.

Theycakes, and a couple of them are trying purpoosas, which I think is the I don't get at all.

There are a couples, some of them trying.

What are obscarce.

I saw the picture of it, but they didn't have any rotating on the hot Oh.

They're not going to sell if they're not on the hot dog treadmill, then forget about it.

Yes, you're born into a fucked system, a rigged system, and then this, but it's just then it's the internet stuff and the over I think, just the overwhelming sense that teenagers have now of like you know, basically you can promote yourself. That's what kids are doing now.

You're right. It is the same popularity system that's always.

Been in high school when you grow up and adolescence, but now you can play you can play it online like teenagers. We make jokes about branding on Twitter. Ironically, teenagers are trying to figure out how to brand themselves at like fourteen.

That is all tread to me.

The most tragic thing is there's just no shy people anymore. Like all my friends when I was young were like the shy, quiet who'd occasionally chime in and say something funny and I'm like, that's my friend, and that isn't cocky.

I was raised by my dad to be like, don't.

Get a big head, be don't be You can be confident, but don't let people know you're like, just be fucking shy and doubt yourself. Those are my people and they're disappearing. It was remember shy people, I don't because you had under thirty.

You had to trust something about them that wasn't them speaking. So for me, the four friends I made in seventh grade at my new school were the four kids who were wearing three Stooges pins and we were like, you like the three Stooges. I like the three Stooges. And that's all it's become.

Keep messing up.

Let's go to our plumbing.

Time for the boxing man. I'll be the referee.

Don't forget to bring the cheese because uh, he's gonna scream for cheese.

We solve that, right, Yeah, I think we should.

Good.

We solved the problem. Say no, I am boys.

I think the boys are in it too.

I finished the book and the first thought I had was like, why am I not seeing I don't know who would do it. The closest I think is Terry Crews from what I've seen, But there are no dudes out there. It probably have to be more an athlete. I know there's some good guys out there or whatever examples role models, but there's no there's no guy out there who's basically saying like, Okay, look you got it.

This is what Terry Screw's changing.

Terry Crews is great, he's great.

He had a great book about, you know, trying to be a good man. So but nobody, I don't think you're right. It's like parenting, Like I don't think I don't like guys aren't getting any sense of like, here's what you're going to start doing that's really wrong, and you have to kind of start thinking about how not to react in certain ways.

Although I have to say I don't think it gets talked about or reported on them much because it's not sexy like that. What you're talking about is very so so the story itself gets discussed because what we're really talking about is thirteen year old girls making videos of

Right, Oh, I think kids, Yeah, that they might have problems, but they're smarter than I was and confident, like, yeah, I'm talking to my nephew. Now, I'm like, I got to be where you're at by the time, maybe I was twenty serious sixty.

Yeah, they smarten up faster.

Yeah they do.

Back in my day, everyone was stupid. I want to refreshing Grandpa.

Those are just kids either where we all have long white bears.

I look, I.

Looked at pictures underwear. I didn't have a fancy porn book because I was stupid.

I'm wearing a Gloria Steinham pilot glasses, not sunglasses, aviator glasses.

I followed Diane von Furstenberg on Twitter. She makes a stream wrap great stuff.

Is she that pin up tattoo artist? You guys, I'm just teata on teasing. You're listening.

This has been quite anything to plug.

Yeah, I think we got a great pope.

Yes, uh, I love.

I so on a Twitter bump from this appearance. So my Twitter handle is at brother.

T h.

E's so irritating when I need to talk to you on Twitter and I can't remember what your stupid fuck brother.

It goes out to everyone use your name.

This though, But see I actually changed.

It used to be closer than my name, but then I was scared that my mom and my aunt would find my Twitter online.

Oh yeah.

Came up with, hey, I'm sorry I said I hated them earlier.

You you, that's a very natural action, you feel, But it was. They were very loving about that stuff. It wasn't a condemning kind of thing.

Is Twitter your only plug?

Yeah?

I used to say, make friends with me on Facebook, but I'm getting too many weirdos.

So I have a plug. It's our show June eighth and Wednesday June eight at ten pm at the Improv Lab. It will be me, it will be April Richardson where the hosts. Chris Fairbanks will be on that show. Guy Brandon will be on that show.

It's Bronham.

I say, Jamie Lee.

He knows that, he knows.

Jamie Lee will be on the show. Jay Wingarten will be on the show, and Matt Bronger will be on the show. Fred Armiston and Fred Armison. Fred Armiston will be on the Armiston It's going to be awesome. Come to the Improv Lab June eate, ten pm. Eight dollars will make.

It worth your while. Yeah, it's going to be terrific if you're in the Los Angeles area. Also if you're in the Bay area or just a fan of the cult film.

I have a T shirt. Do you like this?

Oh? That's good?

Yeah, yeah, it's the Warrior. It's a mashup parody shirt.

Someone printed off some copies before I had the chance to print mine.

I talked to him.

He said, hey, I just made them for myself.

But did you talk to that guy you put it?

Yeah, yeah, I deleted all that stuff.

Explain what you're talking about.

My my the T shirt I designed is available to onecolor dot com and it's just a Warriors mashup.

Sure it's somebody on that basketball team.

Somebody else had a similar design.

No, they He took it from my Instagram, and I happened to see he's friends with this guy that I know that's from my town, that's in Pearl Jam And so I followed him in this guy. I'm like, oh, they're at the game right now that I'm watching, and he was wearing my shirt and I said, cool, he got one of my shirts. And then I talked to the guy that prints him and he said, I just printed them. That's and I noticed the logo was the older version I did on my Instagram, so he pulled

It ain't an episode if we don't reference fletch.

Hey, uh, that's one.

Color with a K, right, yeah, one color with a K.

Karen Karen with a just corrected me about it's one color with a say, your name isn't k Are you.

A sorry?

Dot gov?

That's a trip triple K triple K triple K color. And then you did it just for me.

He's kind of like you.

You've been a great guest. You're a smart guys.

Thanks for asking me. I feel like this is the first I'm the first guest of.

You really are at the beginning. Yeah, don in the field the end, did not almost die?

Yeah?

And and and to put people to sleep with the church talk.

Yes, this is a nice say that's the thing I do. Where if you say that, I pretend I fell asleep because even that is boring.

Oh wait, you do that again?

Where my church camp? Oh god, everyone's possessed.

Good.

Good, so we know each other. Joe, that's fun to see it.

Good.

You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

Do you y in a R?

Joe?

Is that what they do?

Yeah? Exactly right?

Yeah, yeah, like I see.

Are you leaving? You want to way back? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much that is time and the German alingay, we want to send you off inside. Do you want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine.

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need

With Karen and Chris