Ep. 82 - Karen and Chris at ATC Studios

Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks, this is Karen Kilgareff.

We're driving Oho. Oh no, no we aren't.

Guess what you guys.

My car's in the shop. Actually will be in the shop right after this. Why I was this is kind of funny. I was at an audition for a commercial about car insurance. Yeah, I was late. I ran in there. I did it really quickly. They had me like skateboard and be a dad. It took seven minutes. I came out someone had sideswiped my entire car. No, and then I called my car insurance and I even told her what the audition woe. We had a great talk, but I have to go get it evaluated.

And then at the end of that talk she said, sorry, we don't cover you for that. Yeah, you're gonna go ahead and pay that eight hundred dollars yourself.

I think maybe I am covered. Well, I have to pay it sure, five hundred.

Bucks or something, right as opposed to three thousand. Yeah, it's a deal.

But that's the you know, that could have happened while we were moving. If that had happened, what if we're on the freeway and we got sideswiped and and Fred Armiston was ejected into a ditch. It's Armistan Armistan. I always add a sten.

Why I don't know, because of Amistad.

It's just fun, like with you know, guy Brandam Bronham, Bronham, Brenham. It's fun to just mess with people's names.

And he's my good friend, and I say his name wrong.

I know that's that was passive aggressive. I brought up a name that you have trouble with.

Yeah, you do you know you're doing that or does it just come out now?

It just naturally comes out. Here's a spot where I'm real good at finding those spots where maybe I could hurt you, just with subtle comments, yep.

And innocently spoken. That's how I do it. Where it's like only afterwards do I go whoops. I should have not said that.

It's just a second nature, first nature. It's one of my natures, one of the initial natures. Much like you know Terminator, he sees a monitor and there's like digital readout. I just see where your vulnerable and how can I attack them?

Yeah, you have like a heat register, but it's for my weakness and past mistakes.

Yeah, your guy brandam. The area was glowing.

Orange, and so you're took an AK forty seven to it emotionally. Guys, the point of all of this is we are not in a car. This is our first studio episode.

Yeah, and you don't have to add all this meaning to it. We're just trying it out.

Yes, stop crying or laughing.

Yeah, and don't feverishly write us angry. No, that won't happen.

No, it never does.

No one's upset. In my mind, I feel like people are going to be upset. What happened to the mission statement? Right? Do you need a ride?

It happened. It's what happens to all mission statements. They slowly get forgotten over time and replaced with what actually works feasibly in reality.

Hey, I didn't want to talk politics, but let's do it.

Trump should win, well win.

Right for it? You know my vulnerable spot.

A man in a weird wig with a hot wife and big ideas for walls, and.

I don't like giving him any attention, even there's so many funny things you can say about him and make the butt. I was. I had access to a baby, my friend's baby this weekend, and you had access Yeah, yeah, my friend, a woman was holding him in his hair. It was just a perfect opportunity to take her hair and just trump whisp wisps whisp it over his little face. And right then he made kind of an angry with his pierced lips, and I made a great trump baby photo. Man, you got you got all that.

You captured that moment and just go.

To my Instagram and and be heartwarmed while laughing.

Drink it and oh I saw your You tweeted those Warriors shirts you designed I made. Yeah, I want one, okay, please.

I'm gonna have some scent to me. And also they're on onecolor dot com a color spelled with a K.

Okay, so the color's white.

One coolar oh, German, it's not. It doesn't. Many shirts are available in many different colors on that side. It's just called one color okay. Yeah.

And it's not a race based.

No no, no, it's one color forward slash Superior race and we make t shirts there. I realize now I named it after doing really well on my bicycle once. But it's superior race sounds I really sounds bad. I'm gonna make it doesn't sound good. But if you're a fan of the Warriors, the basketball team or the Warriors the you know, the cult basketball team or the cult movie. Yeah, it's like a cult people with that team. I don't follow basketball myself.

I don't follow basketball, but people retweet these awesome gifts of those there's a couple shots. I don't know the names of the young athletes that made them. I know that the one I saw that was insanely impressive. Maybe knows the name of the guy it was.

Because you're dude.

You're a dude that likes sports, right.

Aron, Yeah, you like Duncanon duncan on nerds. I'm a baseball guy.

You fucking nerds knew that about him.

I like baseball.

I like baseball.

Just smell a cracker Jacks.

This move Stephen Curry assisted pass to this other guy and he did this thing. Did you see it? No, he shot, he went to shoot, faked it, and then like flipped it underhanded as he fell away and in the and he made the basket. I can't explain it accurately. It's such an impressive feat that you have to look.

At it now. When he flung it away, didn't he know he was shooting? He was aiming kind of towards a basket completely. He was just like, I know how to do a side, a nonchalant sideways granny shot.

Look at this, yes, because it was like the person he went to do, the one he wanted to do, somebody was there blocking him, so he just changed his shot mid air.

It was a rad you just resorted to plan, be like a robot.

Like a goddamn sorority girl. The morning after, I feel like these jokes are funnier out of the car.

They really are. And you can hear the Chrispins. You can hear the crispness of me not being able to talk. You can hear the Christmas of me just really opening up a bad word present. You can really you can almost hear me not thinking it's a slow lull. You can just hear my synapses of my brain just being coated in some sort of sugar that shouldn't be in there.

That's right. Yeah, you don't eat sugar, No, I don't.

I don't need a lot of sugar. You gotta watch that.

I just quit sugar, really, yes, sixteen days ago. Wow, quit sugar, quit flower. I'm back on the program.

How do you feel?

I feel fucking great.

Isn't that weird? You do things and you know you're gonna feel great because you've done them before and it felt great then, but it's so hard to get them started. Yeah, because I don't mind advice. Smoke, do you come on?

I was in the mode of watching myself eat so much sugar and being like, you're going to get your legs amputated and doing it anyway, which is the worst feeling that as I like to say, cognitive dissonance. So I was like, I have to stop doing this is totally awful.

And it's the hardest part about doing that is being with other people and then you have to talk about it. I hate explaining why I'm not having sugar gluten like that, especially gluten. People are like, oh is it? Are you? What is it? The stomach thing? Usually stomach thing, but for me it helped with body pain and my ankles were hurting and they were swollen, and then I quit eating it and it went away. I'm not some you know, I'm not preaching, but it worked for me.

So why are you holding that Bible? Then?

Well, because way when God made the Brethren, I didn't even go to church enough to be able to joke about it.

I think, uh, inflammation is the new cancer, and people are getting wise to the fact that your body inflammation is so bad for your body. They never knew it before. Yeah, so any step you take to make that not happen. Who gives a fuck would people say about it?

And it's even linked to cancer and link to things like Alzheimer's, Like, say it together, everyone.

Let's be empowered and say to the thing.

You and I don't. You don't have, but you have been. I've done a few shows with you lately, and you talk about how you killed it at your mom's funeral, how I did pretty well at my buddy's axe funeral. Combination of laughs and then maybe was this like for you as it was for me, where I would say some things and then it was it would hit me and I my voice would quite working because I was about to cry, I think, And that's when everyone had tense up, and that's where I'd hit him with a joke.

Exactly well, I think I was. When I got the email from my aunt Mary the nun, who said, Karen, we think you should write the eulogy or progive the eulogy. I almost wrote back. Hell No, it was just like, how come I have to do she was my mom? But then I.

Realized that being a reason you shouldn't have to do it exactly, she was my mom. Why do I have to do that?

I'm the most hurt. Was kind of like my selfish thinking. Then I was like, I think, deep down, I've kind of been writing this eulogy for a while because she's been going for a while, right, uh, And so I just tried to think of like all the times I've seen other people speak, and like what you actually want to hear, because it's not about like listening off people's

Oh, that's when you're killing with a priest.

That's the ultimate kill.

Yeah, it feels great.

That's that's fifty points a big buck hunter.

Did you say? Here's here's here's what my mom would say right now? Yeah? Did you? Yeah?

And the what I did. And I told my cousin Stevie before I went up there, because of course you think like, you know, I know what's going to happen. I know, we're glad this is happening, this is a celebration or whatever. But then when you're actually there and it's the day of your just ruined, of course. And so so was all my family, like the people in the first two rows, all our close family and friends.

That's funny. Chance that in common with my mom.

Mm hmm.

My mom really disliked them and talked about him a lot.

Wait, your mom was a nurse too.

Right, She's no, she was a sewer billing. I think when you use the toilet, uh, this has to be hooked up to utilities and they need to monitor you're the amount of water you're using. There was one lady we called the witch Lady. She was real smart to where she defecated into a bucket I don't know, and

Okay, so she was scary a little bit.

There were stories about, yeah, someone opening the gate and get their hand getting hit with a hammer. That was the everyone had that story. Would everyone tell that story if someone's hand hadn't been hit anyway, my mom sent people their sewer bills. She worked at sears for a while.

For some reason. I guess it's just me being a narcissistic and thinking that your life is my life. I was positive she was a nurse of somebody.

It's really well, they're similar. She was interested, she was on web md a lot. Now the internet happened after, but that she had this job for twenty five years, shut up one day, didn't know how to do it, absolutely couldn't do it, and they said we might have to let you go, and she got pissed and quit. Sure that's what you get after you work for a government agency for a long time. It's real good to get angry and quit or fit penny monies that might

Really, yeah, is she? I really thought that sentence was going to end.

No, I don't. They're like, I don't know, if they just have her on a very healthy diet. She looks great, but can't you know, Yeah.

Isn't there?

Yeah it at all.

Well, that's nice that my mom really looked like a mummy at the end. I mean it was. It was super weird. One of her front teeth.

My mom's teeth. Yeah, it's kind of like a when boxers have that mouthpiece, if they went for a light marbled yellow. Okay, this is that's discussed. Why do I he's getting medical.

It's your passion, it really is.

I love the word fulangies. Sternum you think I'll call a sternum. I know it's a zyophoid process. And to think that I got f's in all biology classes. It's very important if you want a future in medicine.

Did you try for a future and money?

No? No, I didn't. After the fact, I thought maybe it could have, but I think I like art and stuff too much.

Yeah, I don't think it would have been here.

I like going to a doctor and telling them what I think I might have though they love that too. Yeah. Sure, I've been Yeah, like I have the nerve thing. It seems like it's migrating Okay and pull out the book. This is my dad's story. But let's see migrating nerve thing. Nope, it's not showing up so that to my dad mocked him.

Yeah, but it's migrating to my brain. Yeah.

Every winter.

I have a friend that did that where she has she does have something and she looked up something on the internet and then when I called her, she was freaking out. I'm like, you absolutely cannot look at the internet when you are about to do something medical or be involved in any medical issue. The only people No one goes back after a surgery and goes, that was great,

Yeah, I just laughed for a minute about a doctor eating a peach, dropping it and saying fuck it.

So my guys, I got a golf game it too. Yeah, let's sew this lady up.

Really. Oh no, wonder these other doctors are dressed in plaid. Yeah, these are just my boys.

They're just waiting.

Yeah, we're about to hit the links.

Look, this is all organic. It'll break down. Leave it.

Yeah. People and only report bad news or comment on a YouTube video bad. No one says good job. This was perfect. Yep. I just want you to know I liked it and wouldn't say do anything differently. No one's ever left.

Every moment of that was as it should have been.

And it goes without saying so I am, of course saying it. On the way here. Ways took me through. I think about there's I've been watching, and of course you do too, murder things and forensic files. And I think I went by the grim what's the thing. I think I went through that neighborhood. I feel like I went past Lonnie's house. It was like a I think that's the house that used to be green.

You don't know because that documentary, Yeah, yeah, I saw it twice.

Yeah, made people watch it. Yes, But I think I went by his house. I'll talk to you after you can tell me exactly where it was. Okay, but we've drove through there once and you.

Can tell you about that well. And because I like that part that part of town, I really love it because it's like, yeah, it's not the nice obviously the nicest part of la A few places are, but all of those like everything is tended so nicely. Everyone has their yard really nice. Yeah, they're like, we are going to make our own good community, you know what I mean. That's I love that part of it where it's like you drive through, you don't go, oh, a serial killer

No, it doesn't at all. That's what makes it all the more eerie.

Yes, it just looks like the suburbs. You could be anywhere. You could be in like Millbray, you could be like all the towns around my town.

Why don't people talk about that documentary as much as that JINX one? I thought it was better. It was much more tragic and interviewing all those women that were like, I didn't want this life, these nice ladies that were prostituted, that almost got killed by them.

You're supposed to say sex worker? Sex workers it's a new thing. It's we haven't grown up. We're in a thing where you know, you're supposed to say sex worker, but I'm saying it because I've been.

To get used to this Eskimo stuff in you it sounds dirty.

You look more learning baby steps, one thing at a time is just important to be willing.

Okay, that's all. I guess things are changing.

But here's why I think it's different. Because the Jinx was a series and the Nick Broomfield documentary was a one off, so if you didn't see at the time it was on or hear about it that one time, as opposed to the long, slow build of like word of mouth. But I think a lot of the people who have seen it, everybody talks about how amazing it was. That woman Pam that was in it, that guides him around.

She was the best.

I love her so much.

Talk about no nonsense.

She was fucking but she's real.

She said a lot of nonsense, she was hilarious, she was the best, was the best.

But it's also that thing of like it's the I remember when I first heard about the Grim Sleeper and the way they report on it is, you know, he killed mostly sex workers. They say prostitu isn't it in that newspaper.

Or nl h's not legitimate humans? No, that is a phrase they when I first moved here, the police. Yes, when I first moved here, I was driving with Michelle Balloon and Henry Phillips and we were going down Santa Monica Boulevard and for the first time I saw this big man punching this tiny woman in the face. Oh right, right, And then he went to show me his gun, but it was funny. He looked down and he's like, oh, I don't have my gun, so he just showed me his belly button and I pretended to be on my

I'll do it.

I want are called not legitimate human?

Well, I mean, this is what we're talking about. It's like you sit there and go, how could a man kill women for almost thirty years and get away with it? This is how because our society has the fucking balls to go, this is not a legitimate human being? How dare you? How fucking dare you? And these are people that are just trying to stay alive, keep their family alive, make money however they can, And suddenly that's the reason that you get to murder them for free. I don't

Free are you?

Were free and easy, wasn't it?

Like at some point in the eighties they went to his house and accidentally knocked on the neighbor's door. They're like, well, he's not home. Case closed. They almost they almost got anyway that I think about that documentary a lot, and then I drove right through it. I also have been thinking about as April made you see the Sing Street?

Yes you did?

Did you? I mean? I loved it and thought the ending kind of yes, bailed a little. It's like, really they're but.

The endings are the hardest, as we know.

But these kids getting together writing songs and grown up with eighties new wave music. Man, see that I'm plugging something that isn't mine, and it's the movie Sing Street. Go see it so good? See good.

Of course I was too and irish, which is of course my favorite. Yeah, the funniest and do you know I actually tweeted this once, but I tweeted high boyfriend because that little kid that was basically the manager that filmed all the videos and stuff.

The redhead, Oh yeah yeah.

It had that little face in the races where he is my favorite because he was always trying to pull his lips off his braces, like when you have really big bracesm maybe a smaller mouth, like when they'd be walking, he would just like be moving his lips around. So this is you know what I mean? Did you notice that it was my favorite?

Like I had races, I knew what that was like, did you have to do that? They didn't experimental braces on me that were made of white porcelain, probably not real porcelain, more likely just white plastic. And the first thing I think I ate with them is a liptin cup of soup, which then stained them highlighter yellow for the two years I had just yellow middle of high school, just realizing how much I like girls and why not just kind of looked like the thing my mom's thing.

Uh?

And what did the.

Little onions stay out? There was a green onion flex as well for your lifting. Did you keep the whole look?

I just smile and it just looked like delicious French onion dip. Just made you want to jam a lace right in my teeth. Great perfect timing too.

Have you ever talked about that on stage?

No?

Please pull your notebook out wherever you keep it and just put down braces, lipped and soup please.

And I talk like this I sometimes do when I get excited. Right, you can't hear it, but a tongue thrust into my back of my teeth They then added to curb that a cage. Oh, right on the side of buildings, you know, all those little spikes and birds still fucking land on it. Yeah, well Mike still was thrusting my tongue into a sharp cage. It was in the roof of my mouth. That was just a.

Brief period, like they thought they were going to cure your lateral lisp by putting spikes inside your brazens.

Yeah, what the fuck? And then they had me sucking on a button on a string. Very dangerous if a string trying it? This was there the theory if I I make my lips strong, I think it was. Also they're just like, you need to learn mouth control, So pay attention to a thing that we're going to make you do. Okay, so while you're watching TV or whatever, just take a button with some string, have your mom put some string on it, put it behind your lips

You look like Tad Glass do a character.

Oh yeah, when he talks about how it's dad would smoke and it looked painful.

How is that going to help anything that's going on inside your belty?

The fact that they wanted my lips to be a way tighten you let you need to get your lips strong to push these teeth back. Okay, I'm going back in the street by umpstairs because I am not orthodontist. But I listened to him, Oh sayer.

Doctor Sarah wanted you to suck on a button attached to a string.

But and and learn how to say my asses. And you know what, it worked? And guess what today, I'm a professional speaker.

You you are a sound recording artist, yeah.

With you know credentials? Yes, yea? And sometimes did you bring those credentials today?

Could I see you?

I wish I had paper like Phil Hendry. Here we go, here's the paper, got it clearly? Headphones? Damn it, damn it? Oh, here we go.

There it is your past papers.

Let's oh, I'll have to stop here. Here's a low flying helicopter. Oh they landed? Whoa not near the doges. That was my plan to just I was gonna do fully work of card noises. Maybe we can add it later. Hong Kong wha, What was that guy? That was a reaction?

Hey, U asshole the stuff we used to do when we were actually driving.

See, I'm very excited about I think that we're already just popping. I mean, hell yeah, I'm not feeling great right now. Let's be I'm I'm on a lot of day quill, so I'm my brain is not totally braking, and that's been clear. I think you guys have been like where.

I feel like you've been.

Where's Chris? Well? Thank you? That's you might call it fishing because that's what I was doing, but I uh, yeah, I can't even remember what I was that you like this studio feel Yeah, yeah, I think we're going to be you know, it's not same. We aren't gonna once the car is fixed.

Here's the thing. Nobody gave two ships about whether or not it was in the car. It was like the magic that happened because we were in a car. And basically what we're saying is we can make that mogic happen anywhere.

Bro. Yeah, we just got to think of a new gimmick.

What if we both suck on buttons during the recording of this podcast.

Yeah, it's called lip therapy. We'll call it lip therapy.

We'll be sponsored by the lipballm lip therapy, which I'm positive there is.

Then we will play a lip service by always Costellos.

Our then is that the one that goes this is go?

And then all of a sudden the N word for no reason. Why, Hey, I love the guy, but man, come on, lay off the old N word.

Buddy, Elvis Costello A couple of times.

No, well, Liz, what.

Really he says? It is? That? Why he says? That's so you can't tell how racist is?

Slow it down and it's like we all must bring down the cleansing rain. WHOA, that's different when my God, don't ever slow down your Costello really good? Or you must learn to be a legal immigrant. That one's not that bad. It's not really something you'll learn.

No, it's not a learned thing. It's more of a and so that's a natural.

Zombs in the Florida build a wall under budget using Mexican folks. Oh, I think that could have done a better job with that whole rip.

I feel like Oliver's arm. No, I think it was good. I think it was we were feeling our way through it. I think there's a real people. Uh they.

Welcome to the idea of workshop.

If only you could see how I'm moving my hands around on the table as if an idea is coming out of my mouth.

It's tact all your brain tinkering.

This is It looks like I'm playing one big game of battleship. Look, this is here and this idea is here, and together they're funny. They make a funny war.

I thought it was like a Wigi born. Did you ever play with them?

We played it one once.

Shit scares me.

It was scary. And then I had a friend Julie Adams, I believe No, Julie Taylor, I can't remember.

She can stay at him.

No, that's what it is. A girl in my high school told this story once at a party that freaked me out so about She said they her and her cousins played with the Wigi board in the attic trying to call up the devil and they did, and she had all these details and it was like this went black and this one did it and they freaked. It was like it freaked her out for the rest of her life.

Yeah, I've heard too many stories and I've never experienced anything like that, or if I do, if a ghost thing happens, I just kind of ignore it. And then they're like, all right, we tried, like, I don't want to delve into.

It, no, because that could be there could be something on the other side, and once you delve in, you're in.

Yeah, I'm not. I don't not believe in anything.

I mean, we've all seen horror movies. All it takes is one, you know, push of the Ouiji board and you're running from an invisible specter for the rest of your natural born days.

As much as I complain about my hip or you know, my fear of stuff happening with my brain, imagine how much complaining I would do if there was a spirit possessing me. I'd be like, oh, that's sorry about what I said last night. I'm possessed. Oh here we go again. We'll talk more about your sugar diet.

Anywait, was that about me?

At no, no, no, no, I never do that. Gotcha?

Gotcha another gotcha? We could retitle the podcast gotcha, and it's just a series of what seemed to be friendly conversations and then zing, I think that's a good I just nailed you.

But there's a movie with There's there's a movie called Gotcha about Paintball, So oh yeah, yep.

Could we get the stars of it and interview them.

The star of it was the tall Anthony Edward. It's the tall guy from.

Yes I Love Kid Classic also star Zodiac.

Handsome guy despite a week chen. You know, sometimes I say things that are mean and bully like, and that was example. And i'd like to if you're out there and you're self conscious about your chin not being strong, ow, I don't want to. I'm sorry.

Oh if they're out there and they have a week chin, they've already grown a long, long beard. That's what everyone's doing these days.

Every Oh my god. April and I went to the Renaissance Fair Have you ever been to them? And we became the jockeiest bullies.

She was telling me how much she really was.

She's like, this is exact. These are the people I can rip on.

Oh okay, we went there and I'm not kidding you. These were all the people. Dude, Yo, this was nuts.

It was really fun archery. I shot arrows. That was fun.

That's fun.

And then you look around it's just kind of mountain dew folks, you know, with corsets and they're having a great time and they're into it, yes, and they're there with their families and there's meats on sticks. They jumped on a trampoline, you know how in the Renaissance, trampolining, Uh, trampolining was popular. Harnesses, flips for fun, multi colored cat in the hat type hats very popular in the Renaissance. You get dressing just for no reason, like Spider Man.

That sounds really fun, you know what it is? There's a I went to a similar thing once a state fair. My friend's band was playing. When I was working in Chicago. I went up to Wisconsin to go to this thing, and I was standing in the middle of this crowd and all these people were like having the best time, and I was just standing there. I almost felt like I was in a bubble, just standing there, watching everybody

Me to do it, will not. Yeah, I wish I was dumb enough to be present.

You know.

You just see people soaking it up.

Just enjoying themselves, not thinking about what other people.

Think, thinking about what's happened in the past or what's going to happen in the next few minutes, and just sit there with their giant turkey leg and not even wipe their face.

And going, look at I get to wear a corset in public, a thing no one would allow me to do on it any other day.

Yeah, that's freedom.

That it's fun. Yeah, tit's out everybody.

There's a couple of nip slips there that where I was like, should I tell that, let them have their fun?

It was accurate to the period.

Yeah, Yeah, that was that I did a lot of There was some chill. I mean, I'm not careful worker, but there was like fifteen there was like mothers and daughters where the daughter would be like early teens, mid teens, with their boobs pushed out. It's very common these come on, let's bring back family.

Uh huh, I'm just kidding. The Bible, sorry, just slowed down, stella.

Uh right.

You know what is interesting, I just made me think of this. There was a period of time I don't know where. It was, somewhere near the Renaissance. I'm not a history major.

Business.

Perhaps the Byzantine era where this this style for women was that your nipples did show.

And nothing else. Like what if you were like in a full one piece with a hood and only your nipples. That's a scene from Clockwork Orange, horrible scene. Why did I watch that as a kid? Yeah? Why did I? So they it would just be like give you a little nip.

Like yeah, well, basically it was like this, you know, like a boat neck goes down to an inch above your It just went included the kind of like the top half.

Of very but I'm gonna show my nipples. We were so aggressive back then, I know, Granted, there was slavery and all kinds of terrible things.

But at least the rich got to show their nipples. Something.

Come on, and now all the rich are trying to cover the nip.

My coach brothers.

I blame the coach bathers.

Is it the Coke brothers.

I think it's coach brothers. Yeah, are they it's coke. It's just because coach the.

Ones that make those nice purses, mean brothers. Yeah, keeping all their money themselves bullshit.

Yeah, that's why I always go Kate Spade, don't look at the clunk. No, I just want to see No it is, I'm looking right at it. I don't like it. It's like when I've been swimming and I don't like that. I keep looking at the clock. It's like, oh my god, I look three minutes ago.

Wait, you mean like you go down to a swimming pool.

Yeah, it's it's my news for the old hip, for the for the my old krackety hip.

Is it working?

It feels great? Yeah, I just go I didn't know how to I really didn't know how to swim, so I showed up. I'm like, I need a kickboard. In the past, i've tried to take a kickboard, lay in the water and just kick, and I just my legs sink and I kind of rotate towards the side and bump into that rope like bam bam.

Ye little wind up toy.

Yeah, like a little wind up toy. And so I shoved a kickboard in my shorts and I just went there and got good at kicking. And I'm pretty good at kicking now. So I've just started involving the actual swimming without the kickboard. Like I did not to swim, but I think I've taught myself.

That's amazing.

I've been going a lot, though, or every other day. I haven't gone for three days. But it feels great. Yeah, everything's all loose because and there's an element of because I do it on my back. Usually it's this. I have no form of meditation that I've ever used. I know I should I should meditate. I should be in therapy. I probably should be on some drugs help you align your thoughts maybe, but I can't remember what I was talking about. Oh, I'm just kidding. That's a little bait and switch.

That was what I call it. Zippity zoo.

Yeah, there's a deprivation element to being submerged. That is calming, and I don't think about anything like a dumb guy with putting all of a sudden, it's great, that's just lay there. I don't really actually time does fly by, so I'm into it.

That's very cool.

I'm plugging swimming in the movie Sing Street. Oh and I made some T shirts sponsored by swimming, sponsored by the Cock Brothers.

So my dad has the same hip thing as you. He's had his replace twice, oh boy, because like the first ones like fall apart in your body, this happens. So but the last time he had it, he had arthritis in the thing and the nerve. It was a whole thing.

I know, could your body not if you put a titanium thing and shove it into your sod off bone, how would your body not go put? Yes, get hit the fuck out of me? Yeah, that would happen. Yeah.

So he was having so that was the arthritis thing was in his back. So we had to get those things cleared out, and so he was walking really badly and it was it was kind of unnerving for a while because my dad is very like he's a big jogger in the seventies and he's all fit and whatever.

And now he had like a side wig old shuffle thing.

Yeah, and he was and he had the surgery, and then he was using a cane for a long time. And my sister and I were like, is this the beginning of the cane era? Well, he started going to this gym and Petaluma and swimming, and then he goes, I signed up for a trainer. I don't know, see if they can help me. Well, now he feels great, he's the king. He's not using the cane anymore. She's telling him the specific things to do.

And I was like, he goesh.

She gave me three free ones. I think I might get two more. I was like, how about you get fifteen more. That's money well spent. You can walk after.

Like, so, what is happening for him? And what I hope is possible for me is his body is like the physiology of the joint, even though it's worn and it's bone non or no, he has metal in there, but I'm bone on bone. Yeah, they said, you don't necessarily have to get it replaced. Like maybe if my body realigns and stuff naturally goes in there and becomes patting. I don't know, I'm getting very technical. Welcome back to medical lack of knowledge. But yeah, it's definitely feels better.

To guard the bone.

It just goes on top like a cap. Yeah, so I might do that thrown in.

But it is like you're giving your body a chance to adjust itself, which it can do, and and you're getting that dopamine shot if that's what it is, or serotonin whatever it is when you exercise and you get that thing where like at least you feel better.

Yeah.

Yeah, while you're because.

When you have pain, it's just fucking I need to exercise. I'm starting to get jiggly in the back, and then it's I've never been that way, and I'm like it makes me I don't have a thing that i can do. I can't run, I can't He's like, well, you have to quit doing everything and only swim. It's like, so I'm glad that I'm enjoying it.

Yeah, and it's good. I like it. Now you have to go and join the old lady water aerobics classes.

Oh my god. I went to therapy and it was at the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Club. Just pictures of Elizabeth Taylor huge on the walls, swimming. You have to go there. Apparently she swam and I did that. My therapy was basically sit and be fit with a bunch of older ladies and it was just okay, hold your leg out, just rotate. I'm like, okay, this isn't worth my one hundred dollars per visit. It wasn't.

No, it needs a little more.

Yeah, I need uh yeah, I need like some I need the CrossFit version. I want them to be playing like limp biscuit.

Yeah, you gotta go extreme. I wanted you to say that the therapy was that you got in the pool with a bunch of old ladies and you guys reenacted scenes from Butterfield Day or some classic Liz Taylor filmic epics.

You guys were like, I wish I could jump in with an example of a we just we yeah, or what if we all just got together in a semicircle and kind of reenacted scenes from I don't know who's afraid of Virginia wool We actually we just got together and complained about Richard Burton and his drinking. Seriously, Oh, come.

On, should I divorce him or remarrying him again? Am I right? Liz Taylor? I loved her so much. I have a painting of Liz Taylor. That's somebody made at some point in time. That's one of the greatest things of all time.

You have it. I have it.

It's like it wasn't in a fancy frame or anything, but it's like it's basically like a very very good portrait. It's not a beautiful it's not great and beautiful. It's something you would find in a thru store in Burbank.

You would do it and someone would come up and go, oh, that's very good, that's fair.

I know who that is. It's you just know who it is, and it's my favorite. Her hair is humongous, and she's got that Liz like she's kind of like hmmm, like looking over her shoulder. But then it's like what happened to our chin? But but you don't ask that question because you're just happy to have the painting she has.

Kind of Anthony Edwards from gotcha chine. That's what I'm real good at. Just bring in a back.

It's called a bringer back, and you know how to do it.

Oh man, I I didn't know that seg was spelled seg like g u e and I didn't. I was real embarrassing. But the other day it was on the on the show where I had to read it and I kept saying seg and I would laughing, like good joke, and I'm like, what say's seg? I thought it was sege had the word way and that. Sure, you know, right, I've been on this earth a while. There's just some stuff I haven't picked up.

Doesn't that drive you?

You don't have to laugh at me?

Well, they felt bad about it. Guy looks sound. Guys are the ones that laugh the hardest because they're the saddest. Aaron am I right, he knows he knows the pain sitting there having to listen all day and not be able to give your two cents.

Yeah, not not really listening because you're looking for things you'd have to edit out. Yes, like this lull right here. You're gonna have to cut that shit out and or one of the oh gross, No one wants to hear that later.

Snips snip snap, goodbye editing room floor.

Well, we'll take care of that in the tape room by the steam bay. Yes, come on down, old form of editing. Reel to reel your clip. It literally put tape on it the steam bay. Did you see in a film school? No, but I had a girlfriend who did.

Did you see the movie Hail Caesar?

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, that fucking part with Frances mcdormer, she's the editor. I think that was based on a real female editor.

Yeah at that time, I hope, so she was the black I didn't people. Why weren't people screaming about that movie?

It was because everybody thought it was going to be this epic thing like comedy, like everyone projected onto it, and it was also what do you call it? The commercials sold it as something and it wasn't. And then it looked like Jonah Hill was one of the co stars. He was in it for five minutes, right. But it was a tiny movie about the business of show business,

Yeah? It's pretty specific.

Yeah, you have to have that interest of like, what is it really like at a studio. But if you're like, how about you just give me a really good movie or like a really uh movie movie?

Yeah, yeah, I guess it would be with fight scenes and hey, are we at that? Where are we are we at Sony? Where was this Raleigh? But we're near Sony?

No, but you we're right by paramous City. We're right by the most famous gates of a studio paramount.

And I call myself in an in show business person, and I call myself a show burglar. I don't even know what studio I'm not near.

Can I tell you you are a show burglar? Because we did Sealing the show, Yes, the other night, when we did Largo. Yeah, let me just say the stories. When we did Largo. The other night we did Sarah Silverman and Friends. It was a great show, really good lineup. I had to follow Chris, which I don't know, I think I said when Flannet asked me when I wanted to go, I said, after you, because I knew that you would no matter what happened before you, you would

Well, no, I don't. I did my bit. I liked it. I had fun. It was fun, I know, but it was great.

I really love watching your stand up. I know that you have a lot of heartache around it sometimes, but it's for the person in the audience. It's there's none it's great.

It's funny. I don't enjoy things sometimes. When it was done, I was like, Okay, that went well. I that's how it should always go. But it's And I just went home and then looked at the Largo Instagram and I was the only one that didn't get a picture on it. I didn't.

Yeah you did, No, I didn't.

It's on there. I saw it.

Oh I didn't see it. I don't want to see it.

Jesus, that's fine. Had at time.

Do you know why if you win, if you win the comedy contest of the night, you don't get your picture. That's the reward.

Oh that's what they do there, you.

Were That's why I tried so hard because I was like, please, don't put my picture in there. I'll do my best.

Oh, I didn't know that it was like an opposite that's great. Well I didn't know I did so well, I'm sorry.

You lost opposite rewards. Also, here's the other thing, and I am so it's just my favorite thing. So sir, it's known fact. I'm not gossiping or anything. Sarah Silverman dates the British actor Michael Sheen. Yeah. Yeah, you've seen him in Frost Nixon. You have seen him in The Queen, The Masters of Sex. Masters of Sex is his series

Andy sat on the side of the stage and laughed at the whole show. He did.

Yeah, everything, watched the whole show right in the back curtain.

It's great.

I was just so I just find that touching sometimes, and like how disappointing are most celebrities when you meet them, Yeah, where they're like you're welcome.

Well there's some about him too. He's just an attractive man. You know, I'm straight, you know me, it's straight, but every once in a while I sexually attracted to men. Sure, you know, it's just I'm just I'm I understand his too late. You said it, I you know, and I want to kiss him. Damn it, this he'll Discustello record's broken again. He he has.

He is a magnetic person.

He's a magnetic man, and he also.

Seems like a royal. So you're kind of like, I just want to stay in this room. I have nothing to say, but I just kind of want to be nearby and pretend that we're best friends. Yeah, he just is like exciting.

Yeah, seems like a nice guy.

I like him. I just wanted to brag out because I think, like, I don't know it, I'm in it for the celebrities as much as anything else here in La Yeah. Yeah, but like then you'll meet one every once in a while, and you're just like, I wish you would move away. I don't like you or anything that you're like.

I'm uh. I've distanced myself from it, not on purpose, but living at the Old Beach, I don't see a lot of celebs. Yeah, just guys flying kites from a bike. Clareness Beido a little bits on them.

That's scary.

Oh yeah. Oh, I feel so dumb for calling him a nicknlty. A lot of people used to confuse them. I bet a whole party ones. I think it was after I ate a spider on a chip once.

That doesn't matter as a drug.

I got fifty bucks. But I bet these guys I used to I used to try and gamble at parties. He was still moving. Yeah. Sorry, there was salta and it was on a chip. I put a spider on there. I ate it, I swallowed it. I was fine. Fifty bucks. I think I still have no regrets about that when I do it again.

Of course, it's your life, and also you're eating them in your sleep. Anyway, consciously, we all know that.

We all ingest and chew seven to eight spiders per night. When you wake up and there's that feeling of like the sweater like them, I need some water. That's just spider guts.

That's spider guts and legs stuck in your teeth.

Don't get me started about the ones that went in your ears. But a party, and everyone there was like, yeah, Nick Nolty was so good and big Wednesday, this surf movie that Gary Busey when he was like a cognitive brain functioning man. And I was like, that's not that's not Nick Nolty. And they all went against me, and I bet the money and they paid up how much I don't remember, but over twenty oh yeah yeah, ooh, maybe I'd like to think. So I was such a hustler.

It's your lie. You can kind of make it anything you want.

Yeah. I was a kid and I get on my bike, I'd go and I'd invest it. And that's why today I'm a very wealthy man.

Is that true? No?

No, I'm not very rich. Okay, no, no, no, no, but I'm doing okay good good. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Well, where's our guest.

Oh, Michael Sheen, he's gonna he's hearing about.

Well, I'm pready awkward. And I said I was attracted to him.

No, he's actually here to confront you about that. Oh great, kind of like intervention, but it's like it's like getting in your face and being like, what do you buy or something.

British that's like a scared straight camp. I went to, Uh, that's what. Doing archery at the Renaissance. I was good at it for some reason. And then it brought back memories I've shut out most of them because it was a horrific time where they just said your parents are going to hell and it's your job to get them to believe in God. And they picked me up and I was just sobbing.

It was very oh you're a Christian camp.

Yeah? Yeah. But they had a shooting bows and arrows and that's that's I'm like, I've done this, I know how to do this. Yes, And I just went and man, talk about hitting some red circles.

Dude. We did archery at my camp as well. One of my greatest early memories was this one year I liked a boy can't John something and we were doing archery and he came up and he's talking to the girl at the heybale thing next to me whatever. Uh, And I was like well, I should do my best to try to impress this guy. Here's my thinking, as like a twelve year old being good at archery would make a guy attracted to a girl. It's so tragic, uh. I fucking lined it up bullseye and he goes, WHOA Karen?

And walk where.

He's like, no, you're supposed to stop, stay there and talk to them.

Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work with kids. I guess she doesn't like me. She walked away. Every kid thinks the other kid doesn't like them. I know, you're like playing hard to get. It's like, I guess she doesn't like.

Oh, well, there's nineteen other girls over here. And meanwhile I walked away two four feet away and then just kind of stood there like no, no, I don't know where a tree.

I guess this is the end of the road.

I guess I'll stay here for the rest of the week.

Did I tell you about how a big Sky Bible camp they thought I was experiencing stigmata. I was waiting for a boat. A little boy punched me in the stomach because his name was Ian. At the fire, he said, I accepted Jesus in my heart in the back of a cop car and it's like, oh, I've made a noise and he looked at me and then so he didn't like me because of that. I made fun of his tough guy how old I was, Oh boy, I have eleven, okay ten, and he was like twelve.

I need to see a picture of you, and you're alive.

Oh my hair, I have I have a picture of this that it was days later, so I'll show you a picture. Yeah. So we went camping and I couldn't stop crying. I thought I was going to hell. It was awful. I hated But anyway, I was waiting for a canoe on this dock and they put they lined the dock with like sheet metal so boats could bang against it, I guess. And this kid pushed me off the dock and the edge of the thing scraped my nipples to where today they're still scarchy, have puffy nips.

Oh no, why didn't you just say what it was?

I know, I know I should have just said pencil sharpener, matchbox car, an older racer. Just say what they were. That's your dick, sir.

No.

But he had this daughter that I didn't think he was genuine because he acted. He would bring his daughter everywhere on she was in a wheelchair and she had maybe I don't know what was wrong with her, but she had a hard life and she was wheelchair bound. And he I remember he'd like, whenever he talked to us, he'd had her next door and they just kind of and she'd just kind of be rolling away and he's like, oh, yeah,

But it sounds like a David Lynch movie.

It was horrifying, and it was a scary office. And at night when all the kids were sleeping and their noses were whistling, I thought it was kids screaming in the lake. I thought people were drowning. It was like I thought I was getting possessed. So my dad picked me up and we were leaving the Bible camp and I was like, crying, and you're going to hell. And at night the children were drowning and I had my

Yes, hell yeah, I mean if only because your dad was not religious, right.

Like this wasn't my parents weren't. My sister went because I think she'd made out with boys she liked and it was fun for her, being six years older than me.

Yeah, it's like she's not so literal as you are, right, Like, yeah, I can kind of take her leave this. Hell shit, I'm not too worried about it.

Her and I are both on the same page now for certain. Yeah, that's at least how I remember it. Maybe my dad just told me yelled at him. Whatever. You know, how yead images to stories Sometimes it's called lying that whole story didn't happen. I've never been to it.

Can you know what it's called. It's called good podcasting, that's right, Yeah, just trying to take a thread of a distant memory and just pull that shit out and entertain us.

That's what luisy K said. He said a lot of his stories that people one percent believe. He totally is embellishing.

He told you that on the phone.

It was, I don't know, a podcast or something.

I think you might be embellishing that.

I don't know. Yeah, I was in he was on our podcast, right, yeah, yeah, No, I don't know. We're at the gym. We were swimming. No, no, I can't remember.

He was whispering to you underwater. You know what I like to do in my pool.

I'm a liar. That sounded love. I love folly work.

I'm glad that it's really good.

Thanks.

I feel like it's going to be a major part of this new studio. I think so incarnation.

I was gonna say incarceration, Chris, Yeah, this sounds like a conclusionary tone.

No, no, I was going to say something, but it's totally left my mind.

Now were you gonna did you? Did you have to make amends?

Do you want me to? No? Uh oh, now I have to figure out what the problem is. No. No, I was going to say I have a pool, oh yeah, which I don't talk about that much because I don't want to brag at people.

People are gonna think you're like Richie rich. Right. It's a normal pool. It's not pool your house. It's modest, it's not fancy.

I do not clean it.

Yeah, the pool it's very small, it's very you're not bragging, trust me. Her house is almost it's meager dwelling that happens to have a cement surrounded body of water behind it.

It's almost by chance, as opposed to having anything to do with me. But when I'm in that pool, sometimes I like to lay back ears underwater, okay, look at the sky, sure, and then tell myself that I'm actually laying forward. Have you ever done this? No? Where you just in your mind? I entertain the idea that what if you're actually facing down inside a way bigger pool.

You mean drowning?

No, no, okay, because you can still breathe, you're on your bed, okay, but you're just picturing that the sky is the pool that you're looking into.

Oh that's kind of fun.

It's a real trip out, and it's like for that feeling when you're underwater and it just you kind of don't know where you are anymore. It's really fun.

I've been afraid my brain is too much of a vault and it won't go out on that limb.

I'm just saying, test it out. I'm gonna just take you know, take a blowtorch to that vault. See if you can't get in there. Yeah, and let the magic.

See if there's some Barra bonds. Maybe.

Yeah, there's a secret diamond necklace in one of those boxes, wouldn't you, mistress came to me, if there was an apocalypse, everybody died but a handful of people, I would go to a bank and just start fucking open those boxes.

I think you're going to say, what I started eating people?

We can do that one too. Yeah, it wouldn't be fascinating. Those are things no one else can look at, no one else can get to. What are people putting in there? A human hand? Yeah, cougarans, just some doilies that have meaning.

Grandmother gave me these doilies.

They were Hitlers. It's all Hitler stuff, every secret clues to things that noms is like, well, here's that knife I killed her with and all those other people.

I guess I'll wrap it up in this map I drew.

Yeah, don't you want to?

Yeah, I want to have an adventure me too, but I won't. I'll probably go home and nap.

Have the adventure in your mind, in your dreamscape.

Yeah, I'd prefer to do it that way. It's safer.

I want to go out of town. Though I've been, I haven't left town in a really long time.

I'm going to Houston in the morning.

Oh that's fun. Yeah, what club?

It's called the Joke Joint?

Is it the Comedy the Lapstop? Isn't there any no that those were.

The glory days I feel of Houston Comedy that that place closed, but it's still nice to go back there and Mark Babbitt and old Babbitt Prabbit people. Uh, you know, people like to say things about Babbitt. He's he was the guy that got me going.

Mark Babbitt had great taste and gave really talented young people a chance.

Oh yeah, that was the first time I ever saw you is He made me watch your Girl's Guitar Club. He can't. It was like there was a green room there and there is one tape and he's like, you should watch this, and it was great. Yeahs, You're like, I could do this it's like the no, no, they weren't because I cannot play guitar and sing. It makes me very nervous to even think about.

I headlined the Live Stop, first time I ever headlined anywhere, and last I think it was so fun.

Yeah, it's I loved that place. Yea, he didn't care of you were weird and went out on a limb and it didn't work and you ate it, because that's what happened to me every time I thought it was great. I used to do these drawings on seat well yeah yeah, and it ended up being a hidden pentagram and and like a drawing instruction guy. It was like a sketch that I would do.

Oh, like a Bob Ross thing. Yeah yeah, and it's uh and the audience is like, talk about your balls.

No, there was plenty of balls in the drawing. Yeah. No, I always leave room for balls. You know that about me. It's one of the things that that priest held up this ball. Well, I think this went well. I mean it's good to test the what Yeah, and let's just breathe, let's breathe doubtely. There we go. It's still good. I'm glad we did a studio really honestly, And it's because I've been paranoid and maybe i'm you know, I'm a

We're having fun be like this must be hard, and then we'd be like, yeah.

It is hard. Why do you have to say that we don't like it? And then I just started to I'm real paranoid. I'd have thoughts about it all the time, like what if we got sideswipe, our guest got injured or something. It's scary. I don't know. I just know I've said it.

Well and it can't happen anymore. Put truck drives through this room. I was always just bummed because I can't get my car clean. It can't be clean. I need to get rid of that car and get a car that has like leather or fake leather seats.

So they get one of those BMW little cars.

Oh yeah, like the little those little toy.

Cars that look like you rub them on the carpet and let them go.

I love those cars.

They're pretty nice.

But yeah, something that's more dog friendly, yeah, because mine is.

Oh as far as wiping off the surfaces, I don't.

Want to be the person that's like, hey, come come into this ball of hair and I'll drive you around.

Right, it's gross.

But then like any time we go to leave, I would have to backtime it, which I'm not good at doing in my normal life, so that I could clean for like an hour and a half, just so it would get decent enough for people to be inside it.

Or and I thought it was a good solution to put the sheet over, but sometimes they'd sit in there and they can't find the seat belt hole that you ripped in the sheet, and then they're like, oh, I don't have a seat belt. It's like, ah, you'll be fine.

Yeah. Then I get real, Like my dad in the seventies was liken, take it easy, don't make a big deal about it, and just like everybody likes seat belts. It's kind of a thing.

It's really the hottest thing out there, right.

So it's very popular for a reason.

Nothing more popular. Not flying out of a windshield is the new rolling stones.

Oh, should we do a couple plugs before we go back? Because we get to do I think it's becoming that we get to do business class the second Tuesday of every Hell, yes, yes, you're on April. And I agreed. I thought we told you this last time you said it.

But she just as nice things sometimes.

Oh you need it from the old Negativo to know it's really.

I need it from your seventies dad.

Hey, listen, Jesus, you did a great job. You get to do it every time, all right, now, quit making a big deal about it. Show off times over there you go. That was Jim.

I almost took the cane out from under you take that tone with.

Me, Jesus Christ like, I like this character.

He's gate.

I can slip into gym anytime you need come on.

I just a lot of people go, that's what she said, you know, they used to, Thank God, they don't, but I've replaced it with.

Just going, oh, so that's what that meant so if something is a double on Twitter or slightly sexual you so let's try it. Okay, you know, I've been playing a lot of tennis lately, but I just don't know where to put the balls. There we go, Yeah, this is something.

Yeah, yeah, I think June.

I believe June eighth is the second Wednesday. I'm almost positive. Sam Blair just emailed me, but please come to business class at the Improv Lab. The second would Improv Lab, Hollywood Improv Lab, the second Wednesday of June. We will be there. It's April Richardson and I hosting. Chris Fairbanks will be there, and then a bevy of other people we've asked and forgotten we asked, and Bevy try to remember and bring back.

Yeah, it'll be great.

It'll be super fun.

And I would like to plug these shirts I made. I really like them. If you like the movie The Warriors. They're soft cotton, They're very soft, They're a good quality getting. It's like I don't want these Haynes beefy te's that I'll scrape you up and cut off your nips. And then everyone's saying, oh nice day, yeah, yeah, go see the priest. Yeah, I have a nice soft shirt and enjoy your summer.

Camp really quick. Is it the kind of shirt where the design is like screen as opposed to a big thick thing on top.

It's like in the shirt very lightly. Yeah, yeah, you probably If you closed your eyes and just kind of pinched and twisted the fabric, you could someone could put your fingers on to wear. It's screen printed, or maybe just the sleeve the plant, and you would not know just as soft where the ink is. And I'm I'm not sure. I haven't received them yet, but they must be from the photos I can tell that they are. It's a light screen printed.

It's not a big, bold, just thing that starts to feel like you're wearing a sandwich board on the front like that.

Bat My shirts have that. It bucks it makes you sweat.

It just makes me not wear the shirt. Yeah, basically. Yeah, anyhow, you did you give that website? Sorry?

Oh sorry, it's one Yeah it's one color KKK color n W n E www oh and one color but color with a K.

That's all okay? Yeah, dot com, dot org, dot net, I.

Believe it's dot com. Yeah, let's and then you can you can just see the Chris Ferrman. There will be a shirt on there with my face in the corner and uh it's a got a bridge, it says the Warriors. There we go. Yeah.

So it's basically the Warriors basketball logo, but instead of normal writing for the Warriors, it's the writing from the seventies movie The Warriors exactly. It's wonderful.

Yeah, it's an idea I had late one night. I had had some whiskeys. Yeah, threw it together. Who says drinking is bad?

Not Hemingway and not you my friend.

Yeah, got my liver hurts when I laugh. Swim it off, being Jesus, swim it off. Oh you're slipping in the gym again. Sometimes I'll mix it up slipping in slipping in the gym. Hey, okay, listen, I'm a child. You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

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