Ep. 80 - Matt Ingebretson

Are you leaving on?

You wanta way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared or was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbank.

And this is Karen Kilgarreff with us.

Today as our guest. Already in the car. I picked him up before I picked up Karen. Sometimes we mix it up. Matting bread. That's Matt.

Look at him, I mean, listen to him listeners voice.

You can tell just from that smooth jazz voice that he's taller than me, very tall. You can tell just by your voice, taller than most.

We're just talking about how Karen went to Yale. Yeah, tell us about your sorority and Yale.

God, guys, I was an alpha fee all the way and I just fed some goats all through college for a living. That's how I put myself through college. Some girls strip. I was more into a kind of animal husbandry situation.

The fraternity I went to. We roasted our own coffee beans. We were called Kappa Cappuccino.

Fuck you, dare you pull out that year? Three open? This is a fucking podcast. Will you give me a ride? Please? Daddy?

Working title?

We're still working on the title. That was a that's a joke from like fifth grade.

You what fraternity did you attend?

Yes? You seem like a Fiji boy.

I was a Fiji boy Fiji water.

Remember their call letters Fiji.

And I pledged every year. Never got in, but uh, you know, lived in the backyard, in the tent and real nice time.

You were just in it for the beatings, kind of Princeton.

Yeah. I loved getting beaten up. That's the only way I can come.

Well, that's perfect. Then fraternity life is perfect for you.

Now, what is this podcast?

No?

Explain this to me? And I asked Chris earlier, and I want to ask you, Karen, do you regret starting a podcast where you have to do legitimate work.

I'll answer for Karen on this, yes, and I'll answer for Chris.

Yes.

Idea for a podcast. But I'm just like, you've basically given yourself chores to do every time you do this.

And scheduling, there's a there's an almost borderline mathematical scheduling situation that I, as a flighty barely together adults, can't handle Chris. Chris handles a lot, but I know it's unnatural for him.

That really surprises me that Chris is the one handling the.

Scheduling, and a lot of people might be offended by that.

But you are so right, you are.

It's hard.

It's hard for me to get my anguish over things. And I was really nervous about showing up early. So instead I sat there in silence and left at a point where I knew I'd be late and I had to make so instead of picking up Mad at home, which is the mission statement of my poet, I had him meet us.

I drove to a place that I didn't need to go to get picked up and taken to a place that I could have driven to myself.

You know why, because we want the guests to work as hard as we are. That is an absolute necessary.

For Empathy is part of our podcast. You need to feel it for us.

You've got to feel.

I mean, I definitely feel sorry for you guys, absolutely I do.

That's sympathy definition wise, just to be clear and sympathy, we don't want you to feel sorry for us.

I'm sorry for how your lis have gone to get us to.

This point to feel our pain, but not ourself.

So we providedppreciate you.

I was you know, what's funny?

Can I get a ride home after this?

What's funny is I was surprised. Chris said, oh, matt Ingerbutson and I are on the same show tonight. Maybe I'll ask him to do it. And I was like surprised, Yeah, that you qualified. But then he I said yes, please do And so quickly after that he came back is like, matt can do it. And then I was like, oh he yeah, he doesn't know what he's agreed right now.

I was like, these are two people, I like, why would they betray me? Why would they mislead me and trick me into doing something?

And this is what we're going to get into on this podcast. So why why.

Why do we constantly we want to hurt everybody. I'm sorry I should have stopped.

Because of this guy.

I mean, that's the other thing about this is this is dangerous.

We have not killed anyone yet, right, not yet, recall not yet not we haven't right right, people have died after we've dropped them off in their home.

That's why we have nothing to do with that.

Your home security is not our problem.

What a tragedy. If you guys were to take this car and kill us all two up and coming podcasters and one fully estep.

I'd imagine if we and we have said this before, if someone if we do crash this car and kill you know, at least a couple of us, imagine how that will shoot up the iTunes comedy podcast chart.

You will get some ratings.

We will beat Harmontown.

I'm positive he's the one to beat.

He's the one the one to watch.

That Kevin Smith, I'm sure that's fun.

Is that a good one?

Every time you go to the improv, there's a bunch of people in cargo shirts and hockey jersey. Those are there dressed like Kevin Smith.

Those advertisements that they played before shows that the Improv are just really sucked the energy out.

Of the room.

Yeah, it's a almost like a threat.

But I love improv and it's a great job over there.

The nice. This episode is dedicated to Jamie Flann. Hey, Jamie, thanks for booking us.

Hi five Jamie. Oh, we're doing a Should I just drop this bomb now or save it at the end? We're doing We're doing a show with April Richardson at the Improv this coming Wednesday, April thirteenth. You are on it?

Oh god, I got to check my schedule.

You agree to it, You're you're on the flyer and everything.

Okay, Well I'll be there and we.

Have special surprise guests if you want to be the surprise guest.

Matt done.

You keep saying yes fast.

I know you won't learn the lesson in Santa Monic. You can drive me to the.

Improv and then when you get there, you're going to have dental work with no anesthesia. That's what you agree to. That's the show.

Matt runs a very fun show himself, which wasn't it?

It wasn't good. Heroin rated the number one show in l.

A Best New Show in l A True l A weekly congratulations.

It is a great show.

It's really fun. It has it has you don't know it's going to be a show. It's in a bookstore, it's behind a bookstore, it's outdoor on paper. That wouldn't make me say paper outdoor.

But then, similar to this podcast, all bad ideas.

Yes, and then somehow, somehow all the negatives make a positive.

That's right, Yeah, the things everything comes together.

I find that the audience members at Matt's show and Dave's show, right is Dave.

Ross's co producer.

There's something You're fine, You're fine, keep going straight, Okay.

Okay, oh that guy knew And yeah, that's the most confusing intersection.

Yes, it's very terrible because you turn and then there's a red light, but you're supposed to go anyway.

Promise I'm not going to kill us.

I was just going to say that every time I've done good heroin, the audience members and you can see every single one of them because it's a fully lit Pattio. It's very lit, but they have their beaming smiles on their face every time you do that.

Do you actually is that why it's called that you give them?

We give them heroin and it's good, it's good.

Okay.

Well, what I've.

Started doing when I host is literally yelling at them to have a good time up top, and I'll be like, listen, you jaded la fox like it's Saturday, goddamn night, have a good time and laugh out loud. Yes, and honestly, it has made a huge difference.

Really, yes, it works.

I know you to be a nice person.

But one tournament was raining and the show was indoors and there was a couple came in to have coffee and you just you're like, oh, well, look at these two leather jacket assholes look at the big like a couple, and they were just kind of like, I guess he's kidding.

That was maybe we should go When the show's inside, it's worse. And I'll get defensive when it's not going well and lash out at people.

Oh god, that the best.

That's how I do all comedy, no matter for rain or shine.

I My face was red. I was actually it was making me really uncomfortable. But I was laughing so hard because I knew you were a kidding, but I wasn't sure they knew, And then the audience wasn't sure.

There it was just really full the best.

So the last time I did his show, I got an email that day from someone that I did some wine show and there was nice people west side money people. And I got a lot of emails like where are you performing next, I'll bring a group of laughers, Like I'm like, oh my god, I'm dealing with real civilians. And then but then this woman said I I promise I'm not stalking you, and then something about leaving my body by a dumpster. But I was like, oh, she's

Sorry, real quick check this shit out. Yes, there's a man standing on his bike bike. He's standing on a VMX bike riding it standing.

And I, uh, you know, when I was a kid, I used to be able to do that. But I don't want to take away from what he's doing. I never did it in traffic.

But what he did is nothing, and what I did was.

It was I had a little more style. I didn't wave my arms around like I was swatting at peace.

He seemed a little methy Yeah. I mean, although you might have just been excited.

Really you said methody, A little methody with his ways. He wants some laired Hamilton.

Videos before anyway, sorry I interrupted, No, it's quite all right.

A man was surfing on a on a on a BMX bike.

That was crazy and.

None of you will ever be able to see it.

Or believe it.

Yeah, really before so before the show, I had to go to the bathroom and the crowded back there. It's packed and it's uncomfortable when you walk through the audience to use the restroom and then they watch you go in the bathroom. I like my audience is to not know poop or peep.

Good.

Yeah, I want them to think I ate the exact amount of food that I just use it.

All, because that's what happens if you eat the correct amount of yet.

Juice. I'm off gluten, and I think it's healthy, and then I faint. That's why your skin is that color, the color of the blood coming out of my eyes. So I peed. There's two dumpsters, there's a gap human sized gap between them in front of me, several other dumpsters, so I was guarded from anyone seeing me peeing. And then this woman, young girl who's kind of attractive, was like, she goes, I can see you oh, you look real hip with your forced mustache and your hipster jacket, like

And this sounds like some intense improv and she.

Was bringing Yeah. She went in and told Dave Ross that I had exposed myself to her, and then he oh, I said that girl's mentally ill. I said that out loud, just guessing. And then finally I was scared. I thought it was the girl that emailed. I thought that maybe she was gonna pull out a little feminine pistol and shoot me. Scrapped her garter belt and I left for a while because I was I'm kind of weird, and and then Dave said, oh, we had to kick her out.

Some of you may have thought that this was going to be a fun.

Story, just a real one.

All I know is that I feel bad for calling her mentally ill, because she really is.

And we're coming up on stories right now.

What is your excuse for this happening to Chris?

Yeah, why did you step me up like that?

Well, you know, when I knew Chris is on the show, and then I knew he was going to drink too much water before I knew he was going to drink the in anappropriate amount of water.

More came.

I was like an absorption point because.

I do actually still pee. Yeah, can I try and measure it?

I felt really bad, actually, and I didn't know what to do about it. And there was a moment where I was like, Chris, did you expose yourself to someone?

No, that's what Dave Dave and Emily.

Heller they both thought I'd really done it. And then I got defensive and I'm like, I'm upset that you guys think that I would expose myself to someone that she didn't see me. No, one didn't know.

Well.

Also, it's just a little harsh reality that if you pee in public you might get arrested.

Yeah, it is a harsh reality.

Or you might be the opposite of arrested, accused of being a nart.

And that might be the is that No, there's a flyer at Dave Rods. Took a picture of it with her face and it says this woman steals notified police if she is in your store. Oh wow, And he took a picture of that, and I'm like, see, I knew, I knew it she's she's a kleptomaniac.

That man's picking up garbage with a pincher.

Did you see that?

That's isn't like this at all.

It's his version of a metal detector.

If I was at the beach, maybe this is worth some money.

Chris and I were talking about how this girl who was crazy, We initially didn't think she was crazy because she was pretty. She's pretty, which is a weird little stereotyping.

Yeah, sure, that's a bad that's I don't know what that is.

Well, human beings are just stupid, and if and if someone is pretty, you just trust them and think that.

I assume that if someone's attractive, and she was, let's reiterate, I mean, she wasn't.

Chris was so sexually attracted or that he exposed.

Himself out of excitement like a dog.

My tail started. But she was pretty, but had just like her hair was disheveled and there's like a leaf in it. But she.

She was just back from Coachella.

I think we all just assume if someone man, woman is good looking, they've had a life to where they don't they didn't need to resort to being crazy. Yeah, it's a choice. Or something that's right, so us thinking, oh, she's pretty, she's not crazy. It's sexist. It is. It is. It is insensitive to mental illness.

But everybody does it because women do the same thing with good looking men, where you kind of like you trust them and you you give them the best. I found it also, and I don't know if you've found this, Matt. Tall men get the benefit of the doubt a lot.

It is a huge advantage being Yeah, whatsd like being tall? I mean, you've brackd about it on stage if people aren't seeing that you're also.

And it's funny I joke about it being the best. But truly it's like just an implicit advantage of my life that I had no control over. And it helps me in every way, just very subtle ways that nobody is aware of.

Really intimidating people at the DMV or something that people don't say, Hey, you cut in line things like that.

Just accept me for who I am, which is a tall superior being to there is something to that. I mean, or like, you know, Chris, how tall are you?

I'm I was five nine at one point on going on five eight. I'm already shrinking, drinking I think I'm less than five though it is. I mean, you're not at the point where it's like actually tough though No, No, I'm not Eddie Della Seppi. He's a friend of ours. I digitally, digitally, I can just tell when I walk in a room how tall someone is. It's just in the corner of my vision.

Robot.

I find I'm like terminator.

But just for I find as a person who is often hired for jobs where I'm supposed to be in charge of people, no matter who I'm working with. If if there's a certain kind of person that cannot listen to me, but absolutely will listen to the tallest man in the room. And that's how I got that theory going, is because noticing that where it will literally be an intern,

But I don't, Oh wow, I just let them do it.

Well, it just speaks to how stupid human beings where it's just like the big ones know better. We do that with animals too. It's like, why do we value like elephants over like a mouse. It's because how big they are?

Well, yeah, because you could kill a mouse with your foot. Yeah, not so with elephants.

Can't kill a tall man.

No, you cannot, not even with a gun, right, Matt.

Feel free to try it.

I can pay your night.

See if I can kill you with my dragon.

I like this neighborhood.

It is nice.

That's why I went up.

It's really and April and I went, and I know the uhmie wem. We wrote at this cafe, which at first I was like, I hate it here. I hate everyone in his place because there was a lot of like women dressed like Liz Taylor in the seventies, yes, and men who clearly ride motorcycles curely for the look. Yes, But it actually was a great place to work and we got a ton of stuff done at the fix here I wanted.

I didn't live over here.

I lived at the beach, and it's some inconvenient what.

Are you doing over there? Over here?

It's therapeutic. I like I wade in the.

Water, you go for walks on the beach.

I didn't go for long ones do you.

I went for a long walk today where I live over in Los Fiel is right around the corner from the vista, and there's this huge staircase next to me, and I walked up it. I had actually a really fucking cliche. I listened to fleet Foxes while.

Walking, oh, clapping and harmonized.

I was harmonizing. I was having just the sweetest little day.

About fox that's wearing scarves.

Yeah, did you find the answer? Are in the forest?

Yeah? Of course I didn't. I'm a tall man. Everything works out for me.

You can see the farthest on the serengetti.

Both my grandfathers were well above six feet tall.

All my cousins are above six feet tall.

Maybe Pilot and my dad and I both we're just little pugs from the litter with tiny feet and tiny weans.

I mean, come on, is that why you gotta whip it out all the time.

I just want people to see it.

Look, look, I was ripped off.

It's a perfectly average sized penis. And I want people to know that.

You've never heard of a grower. Yeah, I'll never know why I'm not tall.

Like Chris, tell us about your relationship with your father. By the way, I'm the host of this podcast. Give me a ride to my daddy.

That's what happens tallest. The tallest man gets to take over the podcast.

We are We are very close for it's very similar. We can tell him anything.

He's very supportive, he's very funny, and.

I think that I've always had his support and I think it's made me lazy, and I kind of wish he was abusive, because then that motivates people to become very famous. But my dad's always believed in me. So I slept until noon today.

See that I had that nice, nice combination of a father who was just withholding enough to make me want yeah, but a mother who told me I could do anything I ever wanted to write, or if I could achieve anything.

It's got to be a perfect balance. In just a little bit too much of something, I can just backfire. And you got yourself a kid who's up on a tower with a rifle.

Karen, what about you.

I had a father who was over six feet tall, six foot four, I think, assault of the earth, Assault of the earth, a fireman, a man who took care of business, a man who didn't let people sass especially young men. I watched him one time. There was we went to a state basketball championship and there was a boy, a teenage boy, who was yelling, like screaming at his girlfriend and pointing in her face. And my dad went over and said, get the fuck out of here. I

He started crying.

He's like a high school kid. This was before you could sue anybody all the time for any reason. So I saw him do a lot of things like that.

I wire because here's what here, I think this is actually a disadvantage of being tall. His or just made maybe me specifically, is I am a coward and I will not stand up for myself.

Now.

The thing is, I'm so tall that I never do have to stand up for myself.

Right, people picked fights with me because I'm little.

Sure, that's right, But I've never been in a fight. I've been punched the grade. Oh, I cut in line in pe class, do what we were doing? Layups and a bully, just some poor kid who dropped out high school.

Yeah, that's exactly.

Yeah, actually that is so spot one. And he said, if you don't get to the back of the line, I'm going to punch you in the face. And I said, no, you won't, and then he punched me in the face. Five times.

I've had the same thing happened where I'm like, you're not going to do anything, and then my nose was broken. I miss, I misjudged you.

You.

I don't envy that about boys? Is do you truly have to deal with physical confrontation in a way. Oh, girls, we're just mental. We'll just fuck you up for years and years, kind of in the soul level.

My dad isn't afraid of a fight either. And one time we were at a drive in and I was sick and I was flemy, and I spit out. We were parked watching a movie and I spit out the window and my dad had set up some lawn chairs, and I guess I inadvertently my lugi landed on one of these. Then my dad. My dad went to pick up the chairs at the end of the movie and put his hand and ended up in the store. And he just went to the truck next to us, which was these two young kids. He's like, did you spit

But I have to say it's so to me, it's a very attractive thing when someone will just fucking throw down. I think it's very I mean, I wouldn't do it, but yeah, it's a hard thing to do.

Now. It's every woman loves a good scuffle.

Right, we really do.

And if you're pretty, you ain't crazy. And it's nineteen fifty five. Every dame needs a strong, hairy man, nice clean mustache and a white T shirt and kind of a fleshy body, but a good body for nineteen fifty five.

I know, like, maybe it does a couple push ups, but nothing crazy.

You know, a leading man's body.

Yes, leading over to the deli.

Leading a large group of people to.

The Has anyone in this carver been to the Thirsty Crow? I hate it.

It's not a good bar. It would be a great bar if there were only three people.

There, Yes, exactly like you would if you went in and there was no one in there, you'd be like, I found a wonderful fantasy land. Yes, but it's still it's just chock full of people cause laying I live in Silver Lake.

No.

The last time I went there, I went in, I ordered a drink, I did not get the drink for twenty five minutes, and then I just walked out. Yeah, and that was bad of me to do.

But I do not like why.

Well, because I ordered the drink, I don't know. Was it bad?

No, they just drank it.

Thanks.

I mean, seriously, you're off the hook one hundred percent on that. Come on, how about customer service waiting on me?

Karen? You're not much of a boozer. What do you at at all? What were you doing a thirsty.

Crowd not drinking and being mad about it. A.

You wouldn't like any bar if I didn't drink.

But also I, all of.

A sudden, it's crowded and you're surrounded by drunk people.

The worst that. And also I've passed the point age wise where anything like that is charming to me. Like I did all that. I think if I was in my early thirties, that would all be very exciting and I'd be like, I wish the guy with the suspenders was talking to me. But I don't give a shit anymore. So it all looks even ten times stupider than it actually is.

It's like, why are you all dressed up like this?

Yeah, it looks like Super Spirit Week in high school to me.

It's yeah, so it is the Thirsty Crow, one of those places where everyone's the bartenders look like Stalin Oh yes, like their hair parted over.

It's borderline nazis.

Inside that.

And hey, I know I kind of have that look about like absolutely.

Yes I am. Because you're taught at your black at the Dickens.

Now, Chris mad Man, here, we'll step out. How often your hair Karen. Karen open the door and screens. She rolls out the side of the car.

Kevin Unlock, Kevin Chris Forgot.

How often do you get your hair?

Fine, my boy, that's a good question. I've I've got. I was someone that used to just shave my head and then grow it out and in the middle stage before the afro, and I would just wear hats and not let oxygen touch my scalp and have bad Dan drifts. So I would either have a shaved head or a fro, and then I'd just start over. But I'd started getting haircuts and putting pamad in and everything.

You're talking about putting product in your product in.

My hair three three to four to five years ago, and I don't wear as many hats anymore, and I think I like it. But because of my coarse pubic like hair, I do have to get haircuts every month.

Once a month. That's that seems about right. First, if you're trying to keep a style, you gotta go about month.

Yep, yep. And I and I go short on the sides, now very high and tight, very prey vanilla ice.

It's a good look.

Thanks, thanks, thank you.

Once met. Have you ever had long hair?

I did when I was in ninth grade. I grew my hair to my shoulders, think up scene. It was a bad look for me.

Was it?

But I loved it. It was like my rebellious stage. And it was against school dress code, and so I was constantly like being harassed by the vice principals to cut it and getting detention.

Yes you went to a private school.

No, I went to a public school, but in southeast Texas, and so there was like strict dress code.

And I'm going to Tyler, Texas to do stand up from near there.

No, that's northeast. Never mind, it's by Dallas.

You know, Texas is kind of big.

Texas is one of the biggest, if not the third or fourth.

There are many bigger states than Texas, but it's up there.

How many in Alaska? Texas is third, Montana is fourth. You know, it's less than a million people, five coming in strong. We have noveda.

This has been How big are the states?

This podcast?

Kevin Killar Kilgarfer.

There are two Kevin Kilgarriffs. Everybody just yeah, is there another Karen Kilgarriff. Yes, my cousin John Mary Karen Tilgarriff, which was a was very mad for a couple of years.

Coincident.

Now I realized we'll all be dead soon and nothing matters.

I got a weird one of those two where my mom married Mark Ingebretsen and her sister married Roger Ingebretsen spelled differently, different family. You're kidding, no, And in a town of five hundred people, there's just more. Inga Bretson's up in Iowa, Minnesota.

It's a name that when I first met you, I'd avoid saying it because I thought i'd suck it up.

Your last and I noticed that. I noticed that you did that very angry.

It sounds like two names that you wear matching together because of a relationship in People magazine.

I should have changed it.

Like Ingrid and Brett.

We saw Inger Bretson. That's I can't I can't remember what I sat up there.

You don't have to.

I like to walk through that park just because I like new experiences.

I love that you call it a park.

That group of homeless people that are that are laying on bricks, ye dog each other.

And they're very vocal and it's an aggressive little park.

Do you go to Barnes Doll Park? This one we're passing to the.

Oh yeah, that one's nice.

That's that seems like a good place to hide.

That's where you hide your crime.

Wow, that looks horrifying.

No, no, no, up above it, there's like a there's a plateau and grass.

Oh it's rain and CDs.

That's grill.

Chris Ferbank still plays music off of.

CDs so many that they're falling out of his visor.

I know that CDs are obsolete, and I hand mine out and say they're.

Drink coasters out the window.

No, that shows concert do Comedy for a Living?

Oh you do? How's it going?

I just picked it up. It's great. It's so easy. It's so easy.

It took a close easy.

What you do is write down some ideas. Yeah, and then you grab the mic stand and put it to your side and people laugh. And at the end your sell CDs and you fly places. Usually the flight is covered.

Yeah.

Usually you get your check right away. It's real fun. It's a great living.

It's a great living.

And it's consistent. That's what I like about it. The consistency.

Yeah, it's you know, it's like once you peaky, stay there.

Oh yeah. So what I like about Comedy for a Living is it's the staying power.

Yeah, is it real?

If you're doing okay and you do Conan one minute, and then as you leave Conan you get in a car wreck and you lay in bed four months, don't worry. Your career will still be there, will.

Wait for you.

Yeah. Yeah, a rough year. I mean you can't. You can't tell Brian Wilson, I'm not. You can't just lay in bed.

You need to have me on your podcast more often so we can catch up.

Well, I would have, but I knew you had animosity towards the whole theme of it.

You know what, though, if you guys start a podcast called catch Ups, you could do this once a.

Week and talk about condomy and leave me out of it would be the best.

No, Kevin's allowed.

Man the man sons Kevin. But yeah, yeah, it was the very first time Karen and I recorded. I was so nervous to be a passenger in a car because, especially because her car is the same make and model of the car I was in a reckon because we just got rear ended someone. It's just one of those things where I've had such a great night in my whole life, when things are really good or something great happens, I've trained myself to just be like, Okay, something terrible

I was like riding on a cloud and then all of a sudden boom.

Well it's because you're under six feet tall.

It is the guy would have seen.

Have you ever been reminded that nothing because his head.

His head goes out of a holy car car.

It's the wor It sucks.

It's but you know it's worse rear ending someone. Oh yeah, I've done that three times.

You know it's your fault.

Yeah? Yeah.

Have you ever been rear ended lightly? And let the person off the hook?

I have been t boned lightly, okay, and let the person off the hook. Because I had been in so many car sins that were my fault, I knew what a gift it would be. The guy backed out of his driveway really fast, and I was driving maybe a tiny bit too fast. This was in my hometown, and he but he just bounced off the side of my car and we were both kind of in shock. But he was it was totally his fault. And I was like, look,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.

Yeah.

I've done that for something every time, and it's only been a couple of times. One time I rear ended someone at a light, I was looking down at my printed out map quest map, so bum ninety seven, yeah, I would say to technology and I and another time, uh, someone tapped me and then of course this big one where we got all bruised. But every time it was an uninsured person. And so that's the first thing they say. It's like, can we just handle this?

Now?

I'm uninsured and for some reason that I don't, I don't want to go no, fuck you man.

Yeah, because there it's such a bad position. Have you is it happened to.

You somebody wh hit me who's uninsured?

I know any of those.

I've been hit. I've been hit a number of times, and I've let somebody off the hook once. I actually the first time I got hit in La I got rear ended, but it was very light, but I followed through with getting the money and then I use the money to buy a video camera to film some of my comedy sketches.

Oh you just yes, So no regrets is what you're and you can do that.

That's not illegal, it's just it's supposed to be. It's between you and your God.

But then I've made up for it by letting a couple people who have lightly rendered me off the hook.

Yeah.

Nice, So I'm still going to heaven.

There's many Amen had a car wash, these guys.

This is the fourth time I forgot.

They were drying off my car and some lady in a Prius just but it was like she was running away from the loss. She just backed into my car and then was going to leave, and the car wash guys were like, hey, you just hit a car and she got out.

She's like, no, I didn't, and I saw it happened.

Was in a BMW, No, she was.

In a Prius. Starting to hate even more than the Prius drivers. I appreciate what they're trying to do, but there's a sense of obligation that makes them drive like BMW people, and they're silently the silence, the silent news. I wonder if the environmental benefits benefits have exceeded the fact that the Prius says, are silently just running over pedestrians every single day. Yeah, but the ozone.

Exactly, we are overpopulated severely.

That's the that's actually the way the priests are helping the apartments by killing.

That's why they made them. The fact that they made a car dead quiet is clearly that's their hidden agenda.

That's funny.

We gotta spread that around.

I'm gonna I'm gonna like a rumor.

Like rumor Willis spread it around.

But this one one was so being defiant about clearly. She's like, no, I didn't. It's like we all just saw you. And finally she said, fine, come to my house and my husband will write a check. Because I and I went, I got a quote for the bumper, and and I took the lowest one and I said, here, I'll probably get it painted, so you don't have to. I just made up a number. But here's what it costs for me to replace my bumper. She wrote me a check and yeah, I paid rent with it.

Yeah, did you guys have what's that dream car.

That I would see? My I'm my cars. I'm like a fifteen year old with posters on his wall. When it comes to cars, I sort of like that that BMW sports car that has blue all over it and it looks like an exotic.

You sound like a fifteen year old.

I know, I like and I want there to be Kathy Ireland in a bikini laying on the hood. No, I think I'm a big fan of Honda Cords. I think I'll get another Honda Cord. Yeah, in my reality and my dreams.

I have to say. There's that new BMW that looks like a little toy.

Yeah, I think I actually don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, it looks like a car that you rub on the carpet to make it go, like you.

Pull it back three times and then it would go real hoss, put a penny in the bump. I don't know why I like it. I think it's the BMW version of a PRIs it is, isn't it.

Yeah, I don't.

It's so dumb looking and normally I would hate something like that, But.

That car looks like a used butt plug. It's so sorry, I don't know that makes sense.

Before You're blue and white.

Yeah, and I've never interrupted someone with you.

I'm sorry, No, it was worth it. But actually, you know what I would if it was a dream car situation, I would love to get my mother's Volvo that we had growing up. That's probably like an eighty an eighty five perfect rectangle Voval. It was really square. Hers was goldish silverish with a with a tan interior.

I want to change.

It's the best. There's a lot of people driving it in.

Like an early eighties deep wagon air with wood paneling. Yes, that's chrome.

Is that what your parents?

What's that?

Sorry? Did your parents have it?

No?

No, they're just pretty.

I love them, Matt.

I want a car that my dad used to, which is a Bronco. Although those are so unsafe, but there's something whenever I see a Bronco I'm like, I want that thing.

Like O J style Yeah, yeah, during Like, God, I want that Bronco. What do you do again?

What color did your dad have?

Red and white?

Yeah?

Style?

Yes?

Like is this an old one that like a seventies one?

Yeah? Well yeah, it was like a It's like imagine a Bronco.

Okay, okay, now stop thinking.

Can I move on to something else?

Stop thinking.

That would be the best ad Bronco colon.

Stop Stop thinking.

That's yeah. I also part of me. And this is kind of silly, but I really like the AMC Eagle, which is a wagon that is four wheel drive. And this is coming from my snowboarding days, but I really always wanted to drive a vintage like GMC Eagle with big tires up because it's not a big douchey four by four car, and it's also wood paneled, just like what.

I also kind of want, like a truck. Now, I weirdly, I grew up in Texas, and I I've spent so much time rejecting Texas and now I'm coming back around and I'm like, I want to what fucking whip like wear cowboy hats and drive around in a stupid truck.

I have.

No I just comedy. I started comedy in Austin.

Yeah, but Texas, I have the same thing. Though rejecting I tried to I'm from a small town that was very farm based, and so when I moved to like San Francisco, I tried to pretend I was like from New York all my life and recently, like anytime I see like that, sometimes somebody will just be driving like a seventies Ford, like an all white, you know, vintage Ford,

Yeah, I like that too. I like that love too.

Yeah, it's very like, it's very homey. Like I realized from a distance, I don't want.

To know to sign a maturity right to like because you spend your whole life being like, fuck, fucked my mom and dad and where I grew up and I hate it, yes, And then like when you're finally like, now there was some good things about that, that's like good.

Right, Yes, I think it's very good.

Yeah, I chilled my whole life. I was born in California, and then we moved in my whole life. My parents kind of apologized that we didn't live by the beach, but we were in a part of Montana that's so beautiful. It's just a what was once a glacial lake, just a city surrounded by mountains. Wow, and there's bears and deer everywhere. It's beautiful. I go back now and I'm like, how could I ever have taken this for granted? And now I live at the beach, and I'm like, well,

Great stupid? Yeah, why failed the salt?

I really pulled out.

Would you ever move back to Montana?

I sure would, Yeah, if if it made sense for me to do what I'm doing for a living there, if.

They opened a comedy school, you could go and be professor.

See that's even that just sounds so depressing, But I guess yeah, ask me again in ten years I might want to be a professor of comedy at the time as a comedy university. Oh so well, I my kid. Probably Yeah, let's just hope.

What let me ask you this, what age do you guys want to live to? When do you want to die?

I'm so scared of dying lately.

That yeah, it's a yeah. It's just brushes with death and having it surround me on a daily basis, the hauntings at my current apartment. I want, I think I want to live to be an old guy, to see if I can resist being like a grumpy, typical old man. Way that will happen, Because.

I already am, You're already damn it, Well you're half a grup old man. But then you're half like the funnest old man of all.

Okay, hear that, man?

You could you have to work, Chris. Okay, I've watched.

I've watched, and you're a bossy old man.

I've watched my dad as he gets older be more calm and cool and laid back. I think that's the direction, all know. I like to think that, or I'll just be waving a stick and yelling at everybody, just incontinent tube coming out of.

My like a Don Martin cartoon of an old man.

Everything. I have to mention catheters every episode.

That's right.

Yeah, I'm sorry, we're medically obligated.

Do you need to ride his.

Sponsored by brought to you by Catheters, any brand, usable or new?

Throw him up there, toss him in.

The hole and forget about the weekend.

Oh no, you want to die And I feel like I'm posting this podcast.

No, I love it, love that you are so tired. I'm so tired.

We haven't asked one question of you.

I think.

I think, well, I don't want to get too dark, but my mom did die of Alzheimer's, so I don't want to go to the at all.

My mom's currently dying of Alzheimer's. Karen and I, that's what we that's our genuine worry.

Sure, and our original podcast.

That is my worry too, is I don't think I have Alzheimer's in my family, but just being stupid, just getting to a point where it's like my brain doesn't work.

Yes, it's very frightening because we all sense that, Like I'll forget something you called me Kevin John Cryer's name when I after I watch a movie or something and I think this is my brain's shrinking. There's glowing orange spots. If we did that scan Yep.

Yeah, I worry about it all the time.

But now that it's become such a real thing, I'm like, I'm gonna go back to worrying about things that are kind of unreasonable or unrealistic. You're like hang gliding accidents.

And bury this one deep deep down.

Yeah, because it's real and it's scary.

And yeah, Karen and I were gonna have a we were gonna have a mom podcast where people come on top my moms. Then we thought that might be sad, and then we were gonna have a specific Alzheimer's one where we just talk about Alzheimer's, which would be even darker.

And I wanted to call that one before I forget.

You got to do at least a couples.

We might we might well do a sub we do talk about it. But I think I think separate from that, I think I would say, like early eighties, if all, if all health things went well, yes, or you know, a nice die in your sleep in your early eighties, sons primo.

I but no, I look at my dad is coming on seventy five. For god, I should know old. My dad's mid seventies, and I don't think I want him to be gone in five years.

I think he'll be pretty great at eighty five.

That's the only horse.

Well, that's the reality. You get to that point and you're like, no, I'm not ready yet.

And also these days, like my sister is very up on all of the latest in Alzheimer's drugs and she's like they are on the verge of curing it. So like if that that's the kind of thing where every decade things are get so much more advanced and it's going faster and faster. By the time we are in our eighties, life might be way better for paper.

Though, is we won't see that until the end of our life. So when they when they create eternal life, will be old.

Yeah, but that's good. I don't want to live forever Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I don't want to relive anything. I don't want to go back to I don't want to go back to the fifth grade and say.

Oh, Chris has made some mistakes in his he doesn't need to.

But i'll Grandpa Chris wants is to just take a little swig of baby piss or whatever they're going to have selling it just pops themselves.

Yeah, I think, yeah, it has something to do with baby here, right.

I think I just like to be like murdered when I'm eighty murdered.

How specifically, just wild driving a Corvette and then someone.

Because I would love to murder somebody and I feel like we could work this out.

I would love that, honestly, when I'm eighty two.

Okay, kill me, great, kill you with a gun while you're driving.

Yeah, don't let me know what's coming either, right, Okay.

Just damn a handful of pills nonchalantly in my mouth.

What if I fix your break fallows? Just fold it into some cheddar cheese and you'll be fine. I love it.

That's how I want to get murdered.

You're watching Jeopardy and drinking some white wine with some crackers and cheese, thinking everything's.

Fine, and another older woman.

An insanely old woman, me, really play the podcast back. You promised I could have this one last thing.

I can't believe it's still on soundcl Company.

It'll last forever, you know.

Now it's SoundCloud dot universe because the Internet has spanned to our other inhabbiting planets.

It is you of Alzheimer's. You need to contain your pills.

You the young man that used to work at the bakery. Sorry that hits to him one time. My grandma who had who had also been.

Touching its close, but just for you.

Yeah, it's enough for me to tell this story. My grandma was like I picked her up because it was Thanksgiving and she and she goes, are you the boy that used to work at the bakery? And I was like, I was like, oh ship, that was like I remember, that was my first potholes. That was my first touch with people that have been touched.

Mine was when my mom came downstairs in a fleece jacket with no pants on, and she pulled a carton of mill out of the friderider and who drank all the milk? And my sister and I started laughing out of a tension because it was crazy. She would also often wear sunglasses on top of her head and on her face indoors. She was fun for others.

My mom did a really fun thing where she got on a city bus holding a hammer, not wearing a shirt. Now you're in the middle of hanging some pictures and then you realize you're out of nails.

You get on the bus, all shirts aside. You go get those nails.

That's a fun call to get.

My sister got See, this is why we didn't do that podcast.

We're having so.

Much fun at the same time, the hardest I've laughed.

Oh, I do like these bobals too, as as a car me too.

It's safety, it's safe, it's sporty and uh. Clearly the driver though, wears sketchers and has a computer and is not voting the way we're voting.

True, are very republic.

We just passed Bridger Weininger's house by the way.

There's oh this guy he was going to pass me on the left.

I went to the movies with Bridger.

I realized I didn't want turn left over there.

Yeah, good Bridger and Scotty Landis Bridger's boyfriend, Jimmy Scotty Landis, and I went to did you why don't you come with us to go see ten Cloverfield Lane?

You guys, if it's not helping me professionally.

Out, I hear you, I hear you.

Oh, I had already seen it. That's why I didn't go.

Did you like it?

I did like it? John Goodman a little mid Night Shyamalani towards the end, but it's like a fun little.

We were all sweating when it was over. We were laughing and sweating at how stressful it was. It was pretty great.

I last night I watched a documentary about this might be boring one, but I was affected so emotionally that I can't stop thinking about it. But it's about the snowboard snowboarder kid that I've interviewed before, and he was beating Sean White.

No one ever beats Sean White.

And he's just a sweet kid with a sweet family and a down syndrome brother who's the sweetest most functioning down syndrome person I've ever seen in a documentary. And his parents are the best, and he fucking wrecked trying to learn some trick to beat Sean White and landed right on his face. And you know, he was in a coma for weeks. He and then he came out and luckily started being able to talk in it.

But you're watching this whole thing.

He was on top. He was gonna beat Sean White. He was beating him in all these contests. Sean White was getting pissy about it because they were friends. And then all of a sudden he had to relearn to walk, and this documentary shows all of it. It is. It is, yes, it is.

It is a bad brain injury. And he's being unreasonable.

He's like, I want to go back to snowboarding, and they're like, no, you can't. You'll die if you hit your head again. And then finally he came around and and you know, speaks at schools about helmets and stuff.

I don't know. I just it ends happy and content because I was.

Not on this podcast.

Well, only last best case scenario, he would have won the Olympics, gotten money, and snowboard in another four years and then you're done, once you're past your mid twenties.

There's no retirement plan.

It's I watched it already, you know yesterday called finders Keepers. No, it's about a guy who got into an accident plane wreck had they had to sever his or they did what is it called not sever evacuate What is the word it looking for?

They cut up amputat Oh wow, you evacuate, all right, everybody out, everybody one leg, right leg?

Get out of here.

A bouncer comes in.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

They amputated his right leg. He wanted to keep it, and like he kept it and then he put it into a storage unit inside of a grill.

Wait, wait, in a giant bag or something.

In a grill, in a bag in a grill. And then and then he and then he stopped paying for the storage unit. So then one of those people who bit on storage units came and bought the storage unit.

On a reality show or no that just no, no, no, that just happened.

Yeah, and he bought it and then he refused to give the leg back. And it's like it's the funniest it's it's a great documentary, fun it all happened. Oh yeah, and it is fantastic and I cried during it too.

It's emotional, ship Lord, I like it. That reminds me of an idea Tighead will uh that she gets to talk about just a short film or maybe a mockumentary of a bunch of interviews talking about a.

Person that's been through a lot, and then that person.

It's like, you know, before I got my fake leg, I thought I'd never run again. I thought I was done doing marathon. So I've started running with my fake leg and then just show footage of someone running and they're just holding like a mannequin leg as they're dogging, and that's the that's the payoffs. I guess they would probably get a light chuckle, like in this Car.

Yeah, it shouldn't be a full length film, that's for sure.

Imagine the build up being oh yeah, yeah, taking about twenty minutes, then out of relief you had just laughed so hard.

We should definitely talk before we go. Yes, because Matt has a TV show coming, maybe maybe coming. Made a pilot on Comedy Central, let me.

Hear about it. I don't know about this.

I made a pilot for Comedy Central, and we just finished editing it and now we're now I'm having anxiety attacks daily waiting to hear. Yeah, if they're gonna make it into a TV.

Show, do you want to talk about the name or details? Or do you not want to.

Talk about the name? Is one thing we just learned because it apparently so. It is or was n'tamed corporate And it's like a dark corporate satire that takes place in a corporation.

It's hilarious.

Thank you?

And can I see it?

How do people see it?

Or I read the script?

Oh?

You read the script?

I can show you.

Where can people read the script?

I'll email you.

I love to I'd love to secretly get a copy without anyone knowing.

And yeah, we feel good about it, and hopefully they let us make nine more of them.

When do you find out?

I think I think by the end of the month is what we've been told. So that's not terrible because I think some people you can wait like months and months too.

Yeah, that's right, So happy to hear that. I'm not surprised though you're you're I would consider you a filmmaker person.

He I acted in a music video that.

That's right, you did?

Did you direct that?

I did not, but you kind of facilitated it.

A lot of it's a lot of cook you did a lot, thank you. But it was fun.

He was all the cooks, it was all.

He was every cook in that kitchen.

And still spoiled it. That's weird.

No, it's so fun.

I've always wanted to act in like it or being an indie rock music video.

What band fun?

A guy named Michael Komer is. The band is called Lace Curtains. He used to be in a band called Harlem. It's actually really great music. It's kind of rock.

I loved it. I loved it.

You would love it, Kevin.

And then it's right up your alley cap and then and then what was the last film you were just acting in it? That I like? The yard sale?

Yard sales? Yeah, I made a number of little things.

Yeah, they're just like I wish I owned a camera and was motivated.

Well, if you get rear ended someday, that's right, get your ass up back out there and risk it.

Buy a fake leg if I need one, Karen, what do you got going on? I guess this is the time we usually wrap it up about the.

Is it plug time? Well, I've got a show coming up at the Improv Lab on April thirteenth at ten pm, and Chris Fairbanks is a headliner. Matt Ingebretson is our surprise dropping guest. Tickets are eight dollars. We would love to see everybody there that's able to go. Because it's our first time doing it. It's called business Class and that's all.

It might be a reoccurring show.

I think it's going to be a monthly show terrific. So we just get all the people we think are funny and put it on.

I love the Improv Lab. If I room again, it would be sad. Take it personally.

I hope that doesn't happen. It's great And.

Yeah, Matt, what do you got what you're waiting on?

Am I waiting on a pilot? You can see come see me weekly. A good heroin at Stories Books and Cafe.

Great fun, great show. Some crazy hanging out there.

Will you will get accused of sexually assaulting.

Someone who doesn't love that, especially if your decks out.

That's called the Anita Hill Guarantee pubic hair coat.

Never really did follow that.

Story, Oh, but you can watch it when Carrie Washington stars as Anita Hill upcoming special.

Washington Nights the other day coming up, and I'm yeah, where's April and I are starting up Almost Genius again tomorrow morning.

That's right, your TV show?

Yeah, that be fun.

Over on True TV channel three forty seven.

Yeah, channel deep deep deep cable.

Yeah.

No, I think I've seen True TV in hotel rooms.

True TV is doing it.

Yeah.

True TD moves.

They're everywhere.

They're moving and shaking. Yeah, And you've been moving and shaking.

It's always hard moving and shaking down the highway with Chris and Kevin.

You've been listening to Hey buddy.

And I'm fat Bartleberts.

In here with Kevin would shot the sheriff and Chris her Thanks. You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

D y n A? Are are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way we.

Want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turning on and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every scared?

Was it fine?

Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

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