Ep. 8 - Greg Fitzsimmons

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and date. Turmano and Gay. We want to send you off instart. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris? Hello, you're listening to do you need a ride? I'm Chris Fairbanks.

I'm Karen Kilgara.

We are driving towards l A X, just past Jefferson Bolivar, very famous president named after that street, and we are picking up Greg Fitzsimmons. That's right, Greg fitz Simmons, famous comedian, terrific person.

Huge fan of Jefferson, the president.

And Venice's resident. We are hi, Karen, How are you hi?

Chris Fairbanks haven't seen you until long. I've missed you.

I've missed you as well. I'm going to turn down our turn down the appreciation.

Now, you know what, let's knock it off. I not like each other that much public I have.

Been seen you in a long time. I went, I went to England.

Let's talk about your England trips. So you did.

You were there to do some stunt driving, because now you're you're a stuntman.

I was in a commercial for a car. I'm not supposed to talk about that part. That was just a generic car that.

Goes, Yeah, don't worry about what kind of fucking car it was.

Everybody, Yeah, why are you asking so many questions? Hey, get off my ass?

Hey, hey think Tracy is dick Tracy? A person asked a lot of questions.

Yeah, exactly. Why don't you quit dictating into your giant future watch and listen? Just relax, Yeah, don't get your big yellow zoot suit and a bunch. I was the only actor in it. They were all UK kids other than me, so we showed up. They all said they could drive a stick but none of them could do it with the right hand, so I became the driver.

Wait, I'm sorry.

They were all left handed the steering wheels on the other side.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yes, and no one heard of that. No one thought of that in the uh in that had anything to do with making the commercial, which was frustrating.

Well, that's that's very short sighted, being that they lived in England, are from there, and they know what side the stick is on.

Oh no, that the people actually making the commercial were big, big time la assholes.

Oh yeah, then just one's okay. Then that's a totally valid excuse.

They had me.

At one point, I was driving repeatedly over and over, oh while a bike race was going on that they didn't know about. So I was weaving around old men without helmets trying to win a race. So they weren't. They were ignoring the roadblock and just riding through. So they would suddenly come up and I'd pull over. They go, why'd you stop driving? I'm like, oh, I didn't want

Over it afoot, Well, what the fuck to every piece of information you just gave me?

The answer is what the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

What is right? I mean?

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, but no, I'm not really, I'm not blaming you. It's I love that.

It's like we're big time LA commercial producers and yet the basics.

Are not covered.

It was amazing. I'm starting to worry that on any level, people don't know what they're doing.

No one knows what they're doing.

No one knows what they're doing in the world.

That's kind of why I'm so thrilled that my mother raised me with this level of a healthy amount of disrespect for most people, because when you come at everything of like, yes, daddy, you tell me what to do, it's like you're always disappointed.

You're right.

I was raised that way too, with low expectations.

Yeah, you just kind of like you prove it to me me that you're supposed to be telling me what to do. I read, I heard I read a really good thing. Someone said, never take it. I went to a reading of a thing.

Oh, I love reading.

I think it was a reading of a pinterest and.

We're going to follow this yellow traditional taxi.

Hello.

Other than the fact that's a prius, that's breaking.

That's becoming traditional these days, it is it is.

Here's the saying I read never take the answer no from a person who can't say yes, who can't give you a yes, which means like, if they're not powerful enough to make it happen, then don't let the don't let them tell you no.

Oh okay, does that make sense?

Yeah, it does.

I think it means.

It means like, don't ask the person that's the mid level in charge and taken no answer from them if they if they can't make it happen, then they can't tell you you can't.

Do that happened. That's the problem with this thing. It was ten different people that appeared to be in charge.

It was many hooks and how many finn scarves were there?

Like?

How many what finn scarves?

Oh? You know what?

A lot of the crew and everyone they were British people and they were just nice and we sweatshirts. But yes, the la and the German people had many Yeah. I had eight walkie talkies in the car, all on different channels, and they're all screaming at me while there's other actors in the back and I'm supposed to make casual like hey, we're all buddies driving around in a car. Meanwhile, I'm grinding my teeth and back sweat flying down my back.

They sound like consummate professional.

And they all had fin scarves, yes, all finn scarves.

Short hair, short on the sidelong on the top, I imagine for the men.

They had. Actually, you know what I approved. That's the only thing I approved of was their haircuts.

They had good hair.

They all had nice haircuts.

Okay, did they look like John L.

Sullivan boxers, like that kind of hipster where it's like presentational.

Facial hair. Yes, that's kind of shit.

The the American people did. Yes, they were very it was and the wardrobe people very presentation facial hair.

Very very outfit based. Living already at Lax. That is the beauty of the fact that you live down here.

I'm so we love I love Venice living, and I know you're jealous of it.

I'm very jealous.

Greg lives in Venice. We're all just gonna be talking about the benefits of Dogtown.

Yo word.

Sorry, yeah sorry.

Let's go empty a pool and fucking thrash.

Like locals like locos.

Get some four loco and just do it on a Sunday afternoon. Oh look at we're back at LAX.

Chris.

Oh god, yeah, you never realize how much you missed this grace cement.

Look at it so beautiful.

Now, if do you have your phone handy son?

As he said, I'm gonna text him and say text me when you land. Okay, cool, that'll or text me or you know, like, hey, I'm just gonna text him and be like you up.

Yeah, that's cool? Right, yeah, you up?

Yeah.

Even though it's before noon, you should booty call.

This.

This podcast is uh gonna be getting to spawn the spin off my podcast called you up? Or I just booty call people alone silently, but you just you get to listen to me do that.

There's a lot of people that are into that.

I think that's a really good idea. Okay, okay, we almost got him. How could you almost side swipe us? And then that tickles your fight?

She's like, I can't believe that I'm some kind of a driver of any kind.

She was just like, I'm as I'm as, I'm I think I'm as ridiculous as you think I am. She really seemed delighted. Anyway. I don't know if you missed that, but we almost got side swiping guys a commercial fan, We.

Almost get sideswiped every time we come here. I think it's part of it.

I hope it's not. Oh, I don't know, inevitable right.

That we're just stuffing our chances every time, the odds of us getting sideswiped by a budget rent a bus.

We're just upping the odds every time we come. Delta he is delta, which gets you there or takes you there.

They get you there with care.

It's Southern hospitality.

Does anyone else want to hear airline jingles from the eighties? Well, look at that. It's our little side sidekick, that backseat mouse. I'm having trouble talking.

Have you notice that it's what we always do?

Yeah? Yeah, I start a word and then I abruptly stop thinking, Wait a minute, that's not English, But it is.

It was, it.

Was and always will be English.

I like to listen to our podcast after we do them, and notice how many times I say om uh, I laugh minacally at everything all the time, and.

Often tell stories that go nowhere. That's that's what I bring to the table on this.

So you're high, Yeah, I guess I'm always high.

Okay, we're take We're tay. We got a little spooks there with that van. I'm not gonna lie. Oh this guy, uh huh, Hey, I just want This is a little shout out to the parkingspot dot com get new drivers. Let's do the opposite of get sponsors. Let's just call people out.

That's right.

Let's get people fired. That's the opposite.

Yeah, let's let's uh hold a mirror.

Up to the man.

Well, we're gonna have to go around again because we're already past delta, but at least we know.

Where it is now.

We do a lot of people don't have the cajones, if you will. Sorry, I just did some international traveling to do a podcast in a car, but also specifically do it while looping around l a X most fender bender heavy. Oh I bet you can get in there. I bet you.

Yeah, but it's back there. Oh okay, we're well pasted. Oh no, it's right there. I'm sorry.

Well, I know it's right, but I didn't want to. I'm not here to naysay, even though I really respect.

That you didn't. Immediately I was bit back at me.

Yeah, but we haven't got word from old fits here.

I was just trying to text him while I was driving and avoiding being Oh he is at curb.

Oh shit, terrific.

Hi, you're about to get him in the car. This is going to work out terrifically. You know, it seems to always come together, it really does. We're very lucky, we are. I think we're blessed. I think we're technically what they call blessed in the business. Are you talking hashtag blessed? I find that. Uh yeah, we have yet to have a horrible delay. Right, that's a thing. Right, we haven't picked up someone who's you know, oh I

Well, let's name all the different kinds.

Of had someone that's had a heart attack while on the plane and shut up deceased. We haven't hat so we show up and go, you know what, never mind and just get in another podcast car.

That would break my heart.

It would hurt my heart.

We haven't.

We haven't had someone get lost while they were trying to get their baggage right and never come out of the terminal.

Right that that, and we haven't had someone uh, forget this, I can see me doing that. Forgot I was supposed to and instead I got in a cab and pretended that was a podcast.

I tried to talk to the guy.

I feel like fit Simmons. He's going to be wearing a flat hat of some kind.

Yes, he's going to.

Be wear like a like a little golfer's hat, s hat my dad wears all the time.

He said he's gonna look like a soccer coach, a black hoodie.

Those were his words.

Yes, yes, I'm not putting words into his mouth right now, this is really what he told me.

Well, uh, I'm gonna ras him with a with a Really.

This is the rudest thing I've ever seen. Look at this.

Oh, just hazards on diagonally.

That's ridiculous behavior, ridiculous.

Oh, she couldn't even look at you.

No, she wouldn't look at me.

He couldn't even that.

Of course, it was a white Mercedes.

It is blocking two lanes of traffic as they put their friends bags in their.

Back, and just some white lady in or white Mercedes would be dazzled, short.

Sweat, white, white white. That's the problem here.

I don't see any power in that. We got a white that was a very vague white power joke.

Didn't Oh, I didn't I see.

I didn't see that. What I was saying is it was anti Oh there he is soccer coach. Another one he's doing.

Yeah, this was a terrible idea.

You can't do that. You can't just do that.

You can't just go perpendicular with this ship.

Oh my goodness, this is an extra stressful beginning there.

Look at him. I spotted him so early on.

Hi Greg, Hey, Greg Fitzsimmons.

Hi, Hi, he sees us.

He's walking over.

Get in here.

Oh we're being directed otherwise do it. He's getting in the car working. Oh that guy's on the right. Okay, Jesus, did it work?

Sorry?

Hi there, mad?

He's mad? Are you mad? You put a sheet on the back seat? Dog Hair's sir?

Ye, light down here, so I keep it on the floor next to the reserve dog hair. Hi Greg Simmons, by Greg Fitzsimmons.

Hello, Chris and Karen. How are you well? I'm excited, feel like I'm hosting a game show with this microphone.

Oh please do we We're happy to see you, and we're glad that you told Karen that you would be dressed like a soccer coach. And then you followed through.

Yeah, I spotted you from fifty yards away.

Here's do you have a microphone?

I do have a love She has a lava leer mic made popular by a lot of Shakespeare productions.

Right, well, let me explain the outfit. There's a Sunday morning. Here's my regiment. Saturday night. Get paid the second I walk off stage and try to get to the hotel room with a sleeping pill inside of me within minutes.

I like that immediate sleeping pill.

There is uh, the suitcase is packed before I leave in Saturday night show, So I get back watch a House of Cards or what have you?

Sure?

What about how the lies?

Not as popular? Not as fun to watch?

What's house of Lies?

It's what are you doing? Leave it to it's it's just another house.

Think you're yelling at me for not knowing.

That's how it is.

What are you doing?

Keep telling the story?

Great?

What are you doing?

Come on, get out of the way and finish the story. God, damn out back. That's part of it, me calling him an outback.

You can't see she's giving me the finger. Yeah, So then I wake up as close to if my flight is like this morning, My flight was eight forty five. I will wake up at seven point thirty exactly, go straight and get an a taxi. You get to the airport, give myself about forty five minutes. Pass has been printed the day before. Follow and then the I wake up, and the and the soccer coach outfit is put on sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirt, baseball cap, whistle, whistle.

Clipboard, orange slices to press on packets.

It gives me a license to yell at kids on the plate. H and I basically sleep, and I will sleep. I want to be completely packed because with the sleeping pill, I'm not very clear in the morning, right, So my ship has to be completely packed up. The only thing that's out is my toothbrush and toothpaste, which I very often leave behind.

I already can tell you have a much more successful routine than me. I wake up, I don't.

I did.

My only routine is well, why bother sleeping? I'll just stay up and then yeah, I leave my charger and wall. I forget to even brush my teeth. Everything's haphazard, so you stay up the entire stut. It's im I should do what you do, go home.

Most comics do what you do, and I fight, I think because I have kids. Yeah, My whole mo is that I try to get the first flight out on Sunday morning so I can actually see my children on the weekend. And uh, and so I can't. I can't do it. I can't do the stay up all night or I show up and I'm messed.

But isn't a big part of this staying up on not too the fun of drinking, like drinking with the staff after you're done with your week, and like if you don't drink all that kind of it's like you're not gonna stand around and.

Chit chat, right, Yeah, where you guys haded?

Hey guys what?

Yeah? Uh, you got a few DVDs left? Hey, where are you guys? Had it? Yeah?

Where's the staff going after this? You know it's the last show because I'd love to talk. Yeah, you know what, that's a fantasy. Now I don't. I don't go out with the staff anymore. I go back to the hotel and.

The staff at this club. I just worked at the good Night's Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is just no longer.

They dropped the Charlie on.

Yeah, they grot They dropped the Charlie Good Knights.

It's just good.

It is as good of a room physically as there is in the country.

Is that not run by the Helium people?

Now it's booked by it, and I guess run by it, but they it's just it's always been a great room. And you and you're shocked because you think you're in North Carolina. But it's actually very progressive. I did my whole fresh abortion chunk and they were, they were on board.

Is that just a chunk fresh abortion.

It's just a chunk of I know, it's called step cell research. By the way, part of my retame when I get in on Sundays is.

To abortion.

First and foremost, whether I need it or not.

Just get one ship.

Preemptive abortions for men are away in the future.

Good Morning after abortion. The UH is My wife usually picks me up with the kids and the dogs. Yeah, and then we stop at to get a fish talk going to Pete's coffee, so we is that part of the UH. I figured you wanted the exact what is this podcast?

Nothing?

This is.

It?

It's chaotic but dangerous.

But I don't know if you wanted to recreate the comics actual experience.

No, we don't care about your experience.

We'll ask about it. We'll ask about it, but that will change the subject.

Can we get Yes, absolutely, we can do whatever you want. Because also you're so close that this we don't want it to be so short.

That's what I was thinking.

Also, I love it.

We've got a stretch.

But we also didn't want to keep you up. It's like keeping you away from home and awake, you know, we just wanted to do what was.

That's the one flaw with our with our podcast, just all people want to do is get home, and we're driving them around near their neighborhood trying to get some get some yuck, saying.

Well, it's almost like a comedians drinking coffee cars, except that it's comedians who actually need a ride home.

Right, there's a there's a lot more need.

Who can't afford a limo.

I think that's more interesting.

Yeah, And every time we're just in a Honda Fit.

Yeah car, this is my antique car.

It's the most dangerous vehicle I've ever been rear ended in. I was almost killed in a fit and so every time I get into this one, you know, there's little to this way.

Much safer with all the recording equipment and microphones.

It's it's kind of well, you know what this is.

I think when his life's in danger, like you, he'll just start lasting. Yeah, that's what's happening right now. He is not at all comfortable, and so he can't.

Let me just read back the text as they're trying to get you idiots to fine me. I text you that I'm at the curve. Yeah, and this is when I get back, uh, at the curb at delta and I texted and I get text me when you next text h l l l oh.

I was trying to say hi, no, no, that's high up that high at all caps.

And then and then great writes to meet three question marks and then did you just crash while texting? I was podcasting, driving trying to get away from the budget shuttle and text you back.

So kill me.

Oh it is difficulty. The logistics of our podcast need some work. I don't know if we need a little assistant, but then you'd get some Yah, who's sitting next to you?

You don't want some?

Yeah, we'll be comfortable.

I like the way it is.

This is good.

Did so how many of you done.

Oh, number eight, this is number eight.

And who else have you had on?

Let's see, we had James, I don't. I'll do it in order from Julian call O, James Adomian robbed Delaney. I already messed up the order. Baron Vaughan. We had the terrific Well a couple of them didn't work out because but the card was full. But we haven't told them yet.

Uh the card was followed.

Are you using a machine? We don't.

I have that same machine.

Oh can we talk about how it works?

Yeah, yeah, okay, because I I've had that happen I think three times where I did. But I've been doing it for five years twice a week so so still hasn't too bad.

And I was I was emptying the cards. We'll talk shop later.

Here's what you have to do when you empty the card. You have to empty the trash on your computer when you empty the card. It's the craziest thing in the world. Otherwise, but Mike Gibbons did me the same thing. Because I did it and the card didn't get empty. You have to, for whatever, drag and drop the files out of the card into your trash and then empty your.

Now I'm going to start laughing maniacally because I'm a little worried that that hasn't been done.

Well.

I definitely, I definitely deleted them all.

Recording.

Yeah, we're not We're in the We're in the yellow Welcome back to.

Tech Talk with Andrew Sampson.

I actually maybe who gives a ship?

I have a custom leather.

Here's the peetz you got to pull into this. So yeah, let's go to pet Do you guys like fish tacos?

Nope, you missed it here. I didn't want to get him. Oh my god, God here going to be like Tracy Morgan. He he's in critical condition.

Okay, okay, well, I don't know why. Relief just washed over me.

That's nice and he's alive.

Yeah, yeah, I.

Thought that relief that I stopped doing that bit? Yeah?

Really?

Did I cut you off?

Was that a bit I was gonna do? My Let me show you my set list. It's an abortion chunk Tracy Morgan reference.

Just riff it, just feel it.

Listen to them.

Wait are we gonna pause it for a second? We're not taking these in?

We should take it in.

That's so nerdy, is it?

Well?

I mean the we're all going to be.

Well now that we've said it, we have to do it. We have to do it now that like this, How are you gonna hate it?

I know I do too.

But if I go in and get everything and you guys keep talking, I swear to god.

This reminds me of sh I have to do, like theater class, where it's like, come on, we'll do a fake parade. It's like, no, I really don't.

Want to know. It doesn't expansions.

The four of us.

Pretend we're in a car. We'll go down fifty seconds freeze.

People will love it, and if they don't, they're then they're square. No, all right, pete coffee.

Let's get let's I'm gonna pause it logistically with the cables.

Is gonna happen to us right now, it's gonna be and pause.

Okay, we got our scones, We got this piece of coffee?

Is good? Is it good? This podcast brought to you by Yeah, the dry scones and hot coffee the piece.

And earlier we passed Jefferson Boulevard and then uh, you were just saying.

That looks like the worst Thomas Jefferson this way, Yes, yeah, and then left. Thomas Jefferson would while sitting president, which is a weird description of the verb to describe the busiest man in the world.

It did, it accurately described taft though I don't know.

Thank you.

It was great.

Yeah, I've really got it. I'm gonna be on new faces this season.

This this that was a real at midnight.

Kind of Oh do you think I had picked?

I don't know. Let me see how many followers you have? No, No, got to have more than that.

Am I going right again?

We are going right here?

So uh. He used to sit and answer letters for two hours every morning. Like you could mail a letter to the president and expect a reply.

Wow, that's amazing personal personally and not like a one line.

It's not like a text or an email like thanks a lot, you would mail thanks a lot.

I remember I remember my mom getting something from Bill Clinton and it was.

A real A lot of women got something.

And it was still wet ink. I'm not sick. I shook you shook your finger in my face.

Were you gonna say Bill Clinton and add no, no, you go I was. I met him once and I did care about him before, and it was when we did uh. We did shows in New Orleans on Ellen and she interviewed him and the old George Bush, and he on the way out shook my hand and said, you people are doing a great job. And I almost fainted. It was like, and I don't care about I certainly don't care about politicians, but most celebrities don't.

Yeah, you're dottering just talking about it now.

I really got my cheeks are red. I wish I had a fan because I think I have the vapors driving.

Curb curb curb.

His hand was humongous. It was just crazy.

I've heard that every single person I've ever talked to about Bill Clinton had that same experience.

Yeah, he's magical.

Yeah, you know who else like that? When I was at Allen, I sat in Ellen's dressing room with her and Tom Cruise for like thirty minutes. One time he stopped by. None of the guests used to stop by her dressing room, right right, he came by. That's the kind of guy he is. He just came by and scientology ed it up for like thirty minutes with us. And let me tell you something, I had a man crush on him for three weeks. Yeah, he's like electric.

Ye does he exude just this electricity?

That's uh, well, you know what he has does is they lock in and listen to you, and they make you feel like you're the center of the universe.

Yes, they make you feel like they went out of the way because they needed to talk to you.

To keep that up. I mean, I can do that for like an afternoon, after all, and it has to be one person at.

A time, probably a deep, a deep seated need for love and acceptance something like that.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I can do That's why podcast. I can do it for about an hour.

It's funny because in the beginning of that story, I thought you were going to say Tom Cruise has giant hands, and I was gonna just say, no, there's no way that he does.

What's that?

Sh oh shit? You like that damn city bus bus right now? Fucking big blue Oh that that engages you and makes you feel good about yourself.

Vince Vaughn was like that when I'm him.

Really he was mean and made fun of me. It's see, there's different experiences people.

Yes, I think it's a girl boy thing. Probably because he was he he made me think. I think Vince Vaughn might have a crush on me. It was almost like how waiters do that, where you're like, this waiter is into me, but it's purely because.

You know this will sound funny because he's less of a star than the two people you talked about. But our sinio all made me feel really good about myself and spring springing my step.

It's a good canceled.

Ah, that's too bad.

Well there was. There was too many black shows on the air.

They get a balance, it back out. But Tyra's coming back, so that that doesn't hold up that argument.

Queen.

Give it to him, Queen, you got it.

I got it. Here's what I love. Sorry, Kate, Kate shelling Back, who started as a research running I'm sorry. I've got so much food in my mind.

That's okay, it's fun.

It's real. Kate shelling Back, who was All Star researcher on Allen, has gone on to become a big producer and TV original member of the Beastie Boys.

And drummer for Luscious Jackson, drummer.

For Luscious Jackson and just around.

So everything to do with Delicious Vinyl. See I come in with those kind of observations.

Yeah, yeah, record what your guys relationship was.

I come in with both.

I come in from the side with the zing.

And then I pull out. Well, the conversation happens. Carry on, but go ahead about skate selling bok.

It's better pay off.

I love the fluidity of your interviewing skills. Carry on and gut and go again.

I'll be over here.

Are we gonna edit that out? And what we say? I get an email from somebody asking me if I would recommend her for a job on Queen Lativa and You're like, he already do this, yea thousand times and very It's just amazing at this, wint, Why are you asking me? I'm I have nothing to do with that. She's way better than that.

So did you take that opportunity to be like, I don't think so.

Yeah. So we're going up towards my house. Now, this is a part of Lincoln that has become very gentrified. Venice has spread. You know, Abbot Kenya's right down there right. So this used to be all ship.

This used to look like wow, I really know it's.

Suddenly you're going to start to see like on the left, their fancy building going up new restaurants, cute little restaurants popping up.

Isn't it interesting that you and I have always been in the same neighborhoods. It's not common for a comedian to live over on the West Side.

No, but but there's a lot of comics on the West Side now.

But they always end up being surfers or something.

Right, You've got like Daniel Tosh, Oh, what a body on that guy? He should show it more on his program.

Surprisingly soft in the mid section, though, is he?

Yeah?

I mean the guy could stand to do some core work, Yeah, some some core truth work. Yeah, he needs to look well, any chance of me opening for him again this year just flew out the goddamn window.

Never gonna hear this.

He might.

He might suddenly be like, hey, I wonder what Fairbanks has been doing since I stopped bringing him on my little jem with me, And then listen to this and I'm like, hey, soft in the middle.

Sure, it's the ultimate revenge.

So someone that's the warning to anyone else wants to bring Chris Fairbags on a jet he stopped doing it, they'll be hallipage.

Yeah, there's gonna be the wrath of an overhead right podcast.

Yeah, you tune into it, and I'm like, lady arms, kind of a.

Handsome face, weird lips that blend into skin that's like you were burned.

Doesn't have a defined lip color. Yep, it blends too much.

It's all one thing. Looks like a doll that hasn't gone through the lip painting.

Were you born in a bonfire? A barn fire bonfire? I forget it. I'll be over here, you guys.

He's gotten so much angry since Jess Lick came on the air.

He was mad about like that's me, he's ten years younger. He was really mad about that. Really, yeah, I asked about but I knew he was really mad because a calm went over him and he was like, no, I'm I wish everything well for that young man. Like got all, wait, do you start?

Do you remember Bradford Blowski from Ellen.

Naturally Blowski look exactly like Anthony. Yes, I was backstage with Everyone calls him Jeselnik, but I think that's weird and I don't know him enough. I was backstage at Largo with Anthony Jeselnick, and I turned around and I thought Bradford had come.

To visit me and I was like hi, and then he's like, oh, hi, nice to meet.

Then he treated me like a fan and I got super mad. No, I honestly thought it was my friend. And then he didn't know who you were.

Well, we'd never met before.

Yeah, I've only met him very briefly a couple of times.

He's an okay guy. It's he's actually really nice. There's a lot of those comics.

Trying to get back on a jet.

Is there a jet to be had in this digen I've jet.

You just passed my street, but we have time to kill Okay, good, We'll go to Ocean Park.

Yeah, I missed this.

I missed this guy. I used to see him all the time. Margueritea Hawaiian shirt.

By the way, this, this section of Lincoln is called Happy Ending Boulevard. There's like jack shacks every seventh fear kidding.

Yeah, how am I not ever noticing them?

That's total jack shack.

That's so funny. See, that's where I come in with the juvenile juvenile, and then I'll pull out. And then I did another one when I said that what.

I call my jokes. They're all little happy endings.

Except for the abortion chunk. Do you want to talk about that abortion chunk?

Bit? Like, well, I just you know, here's what I say, Karen, as I say to the women in the audience, are you are you pro choice? And then most of them will clap, and I say, and how many of you have had an abortion? And they won't and they won't clap. This is a this is a device comedians will use where you anticipate the reaction action of the crowd, right and uh, And then I say, so, let me get

Ship, bro. That's uh, how did that go over in North Carolina?

Went over extremely well?

But you got it.

Here's what you do is you slip it in after you've just done a real good fart, chunk, in.

Oh, so they have no It's like you soften, soften, soften, and then they have no defense.

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the abortion joke go down.

The only abortion joke I have is a visual an animation that I haven't done yet, where a little baby is in the fetal position, but he's wearing a top hat and he's tap dancing and going like this with his little hat and maybe singing a song, and then at the end of it, a bamboo can and pulls him off stage. So it's like, and that's the show, but I haven't done it yet.

Get out there, Simmons can do it. You can do it.

I'm breaking down barriers for all of us.

Look at that ass on that.

Really.

I'm sorry. I don't want to put out any mixed messages, but that guy was a fucking physical specimen.

Go around the block, please, no soft midriff over there.

You could bounce a quarter off his army bunk like apps.

Great, God, what do you miss the most when you're on the road, Creek your family?

I don't miss anything because I just go into a complete emotional shutdown. I just I literally, it's just all business. I just get I write, and I get my emails done, and I tape my sets and listen to them.

Yeah, that's important.

And sometimes you call me, we have nice conversations.

I don't call you, I don't call anybody. I barely call it. It's actually a sure to call my family because I'm not emotional. I'm a soldier at war, and so I can't even relate to them on the phone, like I can't be like, hey, I miss you because I don't because I'm not feeling anything.

You can't access that part of it.

So when you're on the phone, you become RoboCop.

Yes, I just I give my coordinates and you know, and I asked them about their days. But kids are shitty at telling you about what's going on in their life.

They take forever.

So what's going on? Nothing? What are you doing? Nothing? And I just want to go, hey, I don't want to be on this call either.

Daddy doesn't want to talk to you, so.

And then I can. I'm home. And that's why this ride home is actually a big deal for me, because they do show up and the dogs and I completely just thaw instantly.

Yeah back, well, that's terrific.

We're a pre thought for you.

So, oh no, I'm totally thought. Are you going? Can't you tell the difference? I mean I was a little out of it when I first got in the car.

I think, well, that's travel.

I think that's I want to say anything. But you seem to little out of it.

We thought you were high on pills.

And also I wear I wear a patch for my ADHD and it's a it's a riddle in slow release riddling patch. You're lying, I swear to Christ. For about seven years, I didn't know that I slapped. I slap it on my ass every day, and so I have to. I had to very gingerly pull my pants down on the plane to put my patch on.

Are you serious?

And it hadn't completely kicked in. Now it's really kicking in.

That's phenomenal. Now we're saying, yeah, I love because the riddle and I've taken just uh, you know, for for shits and giggles. Another problem I have. Oh, come on, I think I need it. I think I have that. I think I'm ADHD too. You don't know, and then you take something just to wake you up, and all of a sudden you feel normal for the first time, right, that's not a good sign.

Well, if you feel jacked up on it, it means you don't have ada. Oh and I just feel normal on it.

I feel like I can concentrate for the first time. Right, Okay, the first.

Time I took xanax, I realized what a total lunatic I was, because you know, xanax just makes you have no feelings whatsoever?

Oh does it? Yeah?

Just it's like you're just kind of in the world, but you have no you don't care about anything at all.

Right, and I it just made me go, oh no, I'm like completely, I have so many cares and worries.

Are we gonna want to take it right here?

Can make it right here?

Yeah, let's do the right I liked it.

We've taken this route because no, if somebody was like had to map out and they were trying to trace hat where my house is, the we've completely thrown them all.

Yeah, we would think they think we were trying to shake their their homing device.

Yeah, this is like a meeting with al Qaeda.

He's trying to shake us. Who else does figure eights through the city.

We really should talk about the bombs we're gonna build, though. I mean at some point during.

I ships and giggles. I've never really understood I do it for ships and get what does that mean? Like you do something that's so fun that you take a ship.

Yeah, and while moniacally laughing, you're just describing a crazy person who's yelling at a parking meter.

It kind of feels good to take a ship though, so I think it's.

Like, yeah, it does. It doesn't make you giggle though, you're that's you don't know me.

I would say that when I'm on the road and taking a ship is with not kidding, is like the highlight of my day. That's how mostly shut down I am.

It's the only thing that you like, the being on stage part of course, right, No, that's it, but that's business.

Yeah, I'm in it, right, I mean, I just I just have so much fun performing. It's true. It's like Dommy Rares thing they pay. They don't pay me to do stand up. They pay me to travel, right, and uh, it's it, but it's good. I don't do it as much. I go, uh, less than less than half the year. How long have you been doing the road regularly, I would well, I've been doing stand up twenty five years I was.

I got to guess twenty.

Five and uh, the first I would say the first five or six, I wasn't really on the road per se. Sure I was in Boston where you could just kind of, you know, travel to New Hampshire and Connecticut and Rhode Island and be home every night base.

Right, did you when you were starting in Boston? Was Tom Kenny doing it?

No? He left before me. Oh okay, it was like when I came up, it was David Cross, Louis c k was kind of still there. He had just kind of left, Bill Burr, Joe Rogan.

Yeah.

Yeah. There was a lot of good comics, very diverse types of comics because it was every different kind of room, you know, like Cross would play Catch Rising Star, which was very esoteric, and it was like him and how you can make it right here? Okay, Paul Kazlowski and you know that whole like did you hear a Cross comedy? So it was all those guys Maarn and Laura Heilinger, Sam Cedar, Sam Cedar, David Waterman, why do I know that? John Benjamin Kerry prusso yep r.

They used to love to talk about carry. Yeah, it was everybody's hero.

Yeah, he was great, and I mean I would imagine Tom Kenny, if he was ever in town, would have been a part of that. But he was in a would do it. Sometimes.

I wonder how wealthy he is from being SpongeBob.

He's extremely well.

I gotta get we gotta get one of those commercial voice games. Do you do any commercial voice? Yeah? That was, of course a famous bird from the movie Valiant, The Biggest Lies.

I am so bad at voy it's through the fact that I used my voice for my living.

I was.

I did an episode of Space Goes Coast to Coasts.

Yeah, that was a great show.

Didn't air mine? I recorded it. I did an episode of Jonathan Katz to show doctor Katz professional therapy. Remember, Oh yeah, didn't air. Yeah, I'm I'm a disaster with voiceovers?

Do you just get self centered?

Guys?

Walked straight toward the front of my.

Caring we're playing chicken with a family of three, go back to Persia.

Yeah, they all turned around. That was hilarious. Let's that was so weird. They were stearing me down and walking straight up the street. It looked like something from Hang Them High. Which where do I go?

Like it should have been in slow motion.

They weren't even trying to veer away from the tier the center of the fucking road.

No, they were. They were, they were going to walk over.

Give my car, let's go back, let's go back. I'm gonna feed that guy's mustache the boots.

Maybe he maybe this used to be a farmer's market street and he discontinued it.

Maybe there that was like an Armenian march against the genocide.

Just a three man march, just slow and sad, but with a bunch of fresh cucumbers.

It looks like the Egyptian election line. Oh my god, three people, the only one stupid enough to show up.

Oh it's it's only offensive if we show you a picture of them. They were a family. I just don't understand that behavior.

Very strange.

So everything you've done voiceover wise, it just it never worked.

Why do you know that's not true? I did. I've done voiceovers for commercials and those those aired. Certainly.

I don't think I'm a good actor.

No, I don't believe. So you do you I do? I do? Yeah, And and that's it.

But I think, uh, I think that's plenty.

I think me is a lot.

Let other people play me, I say, and your pa has to be this canary yellow all American American flag riddled.

Prefab white picket fence.

Right here, plastic pickets, which one? Right right here, we're gonna run into that family again.

And right here this is where we're really serpentining to lose anybody who might have still sort of had a range. And then you're gonna make a left. See the silver priest. It's mine because I care. Right yeah, after their care on the left is my house.

Oh god, if this was your lawn, I was going to be very upset. What's have you ever talked to the neighbor about the lawn?

I know, no, there is uh, there's methamphetamines involved next door. Oh you're kidding now, I don't know what it is.

Are all covered up?

Yeah, it's like that all the time. I never see them. And when I see the guy, why do you park on the sidewalk in front of my house in case that family comes up? Why do you think people in my neighborhood have to walk down the middle of the street.

I don't understand. Aren't problem?

Now you're good? Now you're in this in this city it's illegal.

Park on the see the House of fun. We've got basketball two stories.

Your kid has a homemade go cart.

You and my son built that together.

Horrific. I always wanted my dad to do that with me. Mayah, I know he didn't. You knew that I wanted that from me.

I knew that. I can tell just by that.

Look at that, right.

Yeah. We took it down this hill. We built that from our old house. We we had renovated. This is all this extra wood and I don't know anything about building, So I just bought some tools and I started figuring it out, and we took it down this hill and it just flipped pretty fast. Injured. I was see the back has a little it's like a loge thing where you jump in the back after you push. I was back there and.

Feet were in there.

That's crazy, I know. And we flipped and we both went flying through here. Say, weighs about one hundred and eighty pounds, and uh.

It's been there.

And he broke the bones and he like.

I think I broke a small bone in my hip and he had like that. He was bleeding out of his elbow.

Bleeding out of his elbow.

Oh my God like my dog and the wain. I see how excited he is. He knows I'm out here. Oh yeah, right, yeah, that's what a dog it is? Yes, angle, yeah.

From here it looks like a hologram.

But I believe that's a real lossop.

So oh remember when you guessed the kind of dog I got?

Oh? Did I?

Yeah?

Wow?

I was like, I got a dog and you're like golden lamp. Really and you said it like that, like, here's what you Karen, here's what you're like.

Yeah, let's get let's get up with three questions. Okay that I'm gonna know about Karen.

Give me three questions, and you want Karen to answered.

Now, like like if she were to say, what kind of dog do I have? And I will oh, right, right, right right, So give me three other ones. Let's this is called do I know Karen?

Okay? Does Karen park her car in her garage or use it? Or does she use it for storage?

No? Storage?

Yep, that's okay.

This car has never been I just based on the cleanliness. I don't think the car.

It is a filthy car.

She laid down a blanket.

More everything in the backseat is covered with dog it's just this dog. This car belongs to my dogs. I just drive it.

Essentially, they don't even want to be in the house at night. Can we go in the car?

Okay? Does Karen lounge by her pool or is it always covered and not used?

It is basically a it's It's like when when the earthquake hits and people looking for resources, Karen's pool will be where people go because they'll know that it's it hasn't been touched by humans.

So it also is used for storage.

I sometimes put my feet in it.

Okay.

I remember when you got that house that we're so exciting and it's got a pool, and I was like, yeah, you're.

Not laps and laps and laps.

You don't know what I could do in the future.

You don't know.

You don't know.

And what's another one that I ask, the one that's not yes or no, that's like, oh, of course, of course, let's see does does Karen or Karen? Why don't you ask him one? Or does that work?

I don't know? Maybe some about your keys. Let's see show me your keyching? Why do you have? You have a leather whip coming off of your keecha?

It is Karen into weird key bondage.

Or is it he's like your graduation tassel I wish. I don't know. I saw that, and I have to guess what what you have many keys? You let me see them. Keys you have? I have to guess what they're for?

Three?

Uh, there's six.

One is for your dead balds. One is for the door hand exactly, one is for your storage in your back the garage, that's right. And one is for your pool cover.

No, there's there's no pool cover.

One do you have an office or something?

What's that long one?

Do you have a key? You have a key for your mailbox? No? What's that big heavy one?

It's for it's for some job that I had, probably four years ago. I just never get the key answer.

The question is, was Karen ever a janitor?

I'm always curious if you have more than two keys, because most people you have the padlock, and you have your you're not key, right, But you've got like six.

There's the garage is one, and then there's the back fence, which I think they some people at some point may have used as a driveway.

I don't know.

And then that one, yeah, this I think this could get me into NBC.

Just in general.

Let's go trip.

Hey guys, I've got some ideas. Now meet me in this conference room.

And how did you get in here?

The conference room? We can't get in there? Well, now, yes you can.

And that's one of the many things that you get when you hire Karen killed Carol.

Anybody want to take a dip in a pool? Not me?

Please?

Do you have a pool?

Greg?

In this beautiful home?

We have a hot tub? Yeah, which is all you really need, it really is. Yeah. We spend a lot of time in the hot tub. We go back there, we play charades. We play hot tub charades. Oh fun, and you have to go underwater while you're thinking of what you're like. As soon as you guess, it's your turn next to give the clue. But we don't like the games drag, so as soon as you guess, you have to immediately go under water and you can't come up until you.

Have the next clue, just to keep things moving. That's hilarious. Do you guys ever do game nights?

Yeah?

I think we should do a game night.

Let's do a game I love it.

Yeah, Yeah, I think that all the games you play should also involve potential drowning. Yeah, hold your under get under the water until clue. You don't come up till you have a clue.

And if they come up and they don't have a clue, you plunge their heads back and.

Go right back down.

Yeah, they learn.

It's kind of like Navy seal training. That's what they also do.

You want to go back in the homemade card, take another cement, dive, get underwater. He's not at all abusive.

I'm don's very very nice, but I live on the edge with my children. I want to rough them up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like my son's supposed to have mowed the lawn while I was going to clear really did not.

So there's gonna be someone's gonna get a little wall to wall counseling. No, I don't know. It's something my fireman brother used to say when there's a domestic dispute and that came to a house. Oh, like they're bouncing them off that it was a lighthearted way of them dealing with how sad it is that the families sometimes.

Ye more funny.

I shouldn't have outed. He doesn't joke about those things.

It's too late already know he thinks domestic violence is funny.

He doesn't.

He just deals.

You have to deal.

If you're a fireman, you have to find ways to deal with it.

Right. You have a fireman family, right, you would think I would being all irish and I know that, Karen, You've got your dad, I have very much a fireman, very much a fireman. You literally, if you were to put him in a line up with a hundred other firemen, people would still pick your father first.

Really, he looks like a cartoon of a fireman.

As the handshake of a fireman.

Yeah, he's got big put your mid up.

He gets mad at people don't shake hands correctly. And my favorite thing is my sister and I love to call him America's hero. Literally after nine to eleven, the total like glorification of firemen in this country, Like anytime he would be being an asshole or anything would be like America's heroes having a hard time. That's the way we had this new edge over him of how to give him shit.

Right, that's great.

Well, I have a friend funny nine to eleven story. Finally, my friend Sean Bergoyn, who's from Belfast and Northern Ireland, and he's one of these guys that like, uh oh, FITZI would have some bears and like he rugged became a New York City firefighter really so he could go to bars and talk about being a fireman and like the whole like telling people back in Ireland that he's a fireman and in South Bronx. So anyway, he goes off.

It was tragedy.

Yeah.

I bet a lot of firemen thought that if they weren't around for whatever reason.

Right, Yeah.

You know it's funny though, and maybe it's a general racial thing, but my father, like when the San Francisco earthquake happened, my sister and I lived in Sacramento.

We were both at college at the time, so we ninety one. Uh yeah, I think so or eighty nine, eighty nine, I think, yeah.

Uh.

We called my dad and we're like, are you gonna go into the city because he wasn't retired yet. We're like and he's like, hell, no, I'm not going in there. It's a mess.

Everybody has this idea that they're like, you know, first responders, like they want to and my dad was like, oh, let.

The young guys do it. I'm not doing and he literally like avoided it until they made him go.

You want to say this on the podcast, he could lose all his benefits.

I don't think so now because because of that job, he can't hear and he's had like seventeen different hips.

Like it's really it's a very high impact job.

No it is.

I just did a benefit for the fireman and they came out and I swear to god, they are so nice. I got it. Oh, I should give you the book. Oh I'm gonna give you this book to give to your father. And it's but but they were like so grateful that you were helping them out, because they really their benefits are not as good as they should be considering they put their lives on the line.

Yeah. Well, I mean I don't really know.

It depends.

I also, I think they used to be good. I think my dads are pretty good.

Yeah, it seems you know a lot in law doesn't really get that rotation with his hips going though. He slices everything.

Yeah, you gotta have a part.

We're gonna have to edit out here. Be live it if you heard that more angry than me saying fuck all the time.

Karen, I'm okay with the abortion junk.

It's so weezy on the golf swing.

We both know I have a hook. Thanks for doing ours.

Thank you.

What if our new podcast is called sitting in Gregs Driveway?

You wouldn't mind, right, I like it.

Watching our meetians have to walk into the street because you're on the sidewalk.

That is like a zombie invasion, but just three people.

You know. The great part about partying with you is that you just turned the air conditioning off, and then it becomes like doing a podcast in a sauna.

Yeah, this is like a hot yoga situation.

Yeah, all right, how come your family hasn't come out.

I don't see the car.

I think they're down at Wahoo's Fish Tacos.

Oh.

No, everyone that comes.

In the door. They forget what he looks like.

Yeah, they must not be here. Yeah, the car would be in the driveway. Poor dog, yep, look at him. He will not leave that spot on his little friend. Hannah's right next to him, but he's the alpha, so that he gets the window spot.

We left the spot.

There's Hannah. All right, I'm gonna get that book for you.

Okay, all right, thanks Greg, Thank you guys.

I love you too. I appre I just worked out really easily. You just asked me to do it, and I was like, yeah, pick me up tomorrow. Perfect.

That's how it's been every time.

Yeah, all right. Can I plug my dates? Of course?

Of course.

I was just in Future Comics in Connecticut, fox Woods next week, and then Addison, Texas because who knows? Oh no is this? Just go to fitzdog dot com dot listen to the podcast Fitzdog Radio.

It's a good podcast.

And then my one hour special Life on Stage is on Netflix.

Oh that's great. I'm gonna watch that, thank you. I haven't seen it yet.

I don't think I will.

I'm gonna i'll tell you about it. I tell you my favorite parts.

Okay, yeah, you just tell me. That's probably the.

Better parent's seen it in seven minute chunks throughout the last ten years.

I had it when you were on stage at the on Cabaret.

We just did the On Cabare together and you were talking about you said something about nine to eleven, and I wanted you to talk about you and I playing ping pong so bad because we at Ellen, Like the first year they set up at ping pong table, like what a fun office we are, but no one played it except for me and Greg because it.

Was directly outside of Ellen's offic.

Yeah, so it's like you had to have the biggest balls to play in the middle of the work day and could just go down and play some ping pong.

But of course we did it. The writers did it all the time.

And when the score was nine eleven or eleven to nine, we had a whole song that we would.

Sing nine eleven, don't ever.

Forget, always remember, And then we go and like dang paddles on the table screaming nine eleven, screaming in the office, like and remember the time Geiger got up and slammed her door shut.

It was just keep in mind, this was three two years after the real nine to eleven.

Yeah, this was this was this was super freshed.

That's terrific.

We had a good time.

Did she never came out and scolded you.

No, no, because it would have made it. It would have been an admission that things were not as fun as they looked. Yeah, And so we used to do ship like I would slam it and then as Karen went to get the ball, I'd go, that's it, walk over there, go get it over so angry.

To get up, Greg would go he would hit it. He would like ace it off and it would go down, and then I would turn to go get it and he'd go, go get it.

And that was it makes me good.

Yeah, yeah, you had I had no choice, but that was his He's got a really good psychological game. It's not just the skill, the basic skill.

Well that's been my m for life. I make up for all my shortcounting to trash talk. Go get it all right? All right, thank you, thank you, God bless America.

Yay.

Do you guys have a little sign off thing that you say every time?

And that's the podcast now I tried that one out. No, you don't have, no we have what do you think of what?

I don't know why but I started saying, God bless America. People don't know what to make of that. They don't know if I'm being sarcastic whatever. So you need one for you guys?

Yeah, we could go.

You should honk the horn or something.

Oh yeah, like we go, h Since where do you need a ride? So should we go? We should go?

D d y n a R.

And it's.

Okay, we're doing okay, So that's been d y n a R.

All right? Done it?

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gage. We want to send you off instil.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now? Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Cress

M