Ep. 78 - WHITMER THOMAS

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turman on and gay.

We want to send you off instide.

Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it?

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Do with Karen and Chris.

Welcome? Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen gil Gareff.

We are going to pick up Whitmer Thomas.

You know Whitmer Tall, blonde, young, free.

Handsome, agile, innocent, worldly, talented.

Thoughtful, Southern.

Round glasses.

Sometimes he wears round glasses that would have that's that signifies the end of the list, because that's the last thing I'm going to mention.

That's it.

And also he could take those off and then you'd be like, I don't know who the fuck this guy is?

Yeah, yeah, good thing. There was all those other describing where it's prior to these glasses that are are not as important as thoughtful and some of the other things we are.

Saying, they're not. It's not a quality of a person.

That's just an accessory, right, It's not superficial.

It's quantity of people that we're looking for.

We'd want people with as many qualities quantity wise as possible.

No, I'm saying I want fatties.

Dare you?

No?

But me?

Clearly we haven't worked together in a while.

Yeah, Karen, how are you?

Chris? I miss you. I miss us me too.

You know, we have a good thing with this podcast, and it's very hard to do.

It is hard to do.

I wish, uh, we might want to consider bringing a car into a studio and recording in an inside a car in a studio from now on.

For those of you, I know there's a lot of podcasts out there for people to People have to decide what to listen to and just know that the other ones that you listen to maybe before are ours. It's uh, they're easier to reck. I'm having a lot of trouble talking sometimes, I just do.

And we love about you.

I'm gonna accept that about myself. It is what I hate about myself.

Though, Oh I wish that wasn't true.

I've been watching the show I'm hosting, and so to see combine my weird muppet voice that snubbles over the simplest of words. I just I bit my tongue just now saying simplest. I bit the side of my tongue.

I thought you're saying samplest I.

Maybe wouldn't it be funny if I had some allergic reaction where my tongue always has been a little bigger than it's supposed to be.

Maybe like you're caught like you always had a beasting in your tongue.

Yeah, well I talk like I have a mouthful of bees.

Dude, it's a very green mile.

I don't know, it's a.

Oh.

I never I never really watched that movie close enough to figure out why he was vomiting swarms of bees.

Because he was holy. He was maybe a big black cheese.

That's why I didn't watch the movie.

Yeah, because you hate stuff like that.

I don't. I don't. I don't shove to your agenda down my throat. Tom Hanks, yeah, or big.

Tall guy Michael whatever, who died, Oh he died.

He died in real life.

He died of bees.

Oh, what a horrible coincidence. I hope they're hilarious. I hope they weren't movie bees. Or but what if he died watching the.

B movie A little bee? Jerry Seinfeld in his mouth, get out of here?

What's the deal with you not breathing? After this? Sting? Oh no, and.

Then stings there singing the last song of the credits.

Oh but but yeah. I've been watching all host genius at showing Host, and my face is swollen. I have trouble talking. So today all I'm saying is I'm going to try my hardest to enunciate and speak clearly. And in the beginning here you saw it, you heard and you saw it. If you were looking at me, I stumbled over a couple of words.

I can't look at you.

It's please, don't nobody look at me. Don't look at me after If you ever seen me perform live, as I lead the stage and leave the building, please do not make eye contact. That's one of the only things I ask.

And at the top of your set every time, you always scream, don't look at me at the audience.

It thanks for It's hard, it's it's a difficult way to do stand up, but it's my only the only thing on my writer is that the audience shouldn't look at me.

Yeah, it's like your it's like your hook. And then people go like that are punk rock? They're like, I totally look at him the whole time.

Yeah. Yeah, And it's like it's like the people that talk and throw bread during Neil Hamburger.

Are you thinking of ducks and upon?

I think I'm thinking of Rocky horror picture show or ducks in a pond?

Uh?

But you have been very busy with a full time fucking TV show that I am friends with ap April, which and she tells me the details, and it seems horrifically long hours.

It is, it's just not that often. If it was something where we are doing it every single day rather than a couple of times a week, I think I would be exhausted and hunch backed and wrinkly and grump quick to anger, gray haired, living in a you know, I probably live in a nicer place, I guess. Actually, the more I think if I was working more anyway, The point is it is when we're doing it very tiresome.

Yeah, it seems like it, but it's been fun.

But I yeah, again, I really I just watch myself and I'm like, get it together, mushmouth.

I know, but I have to say, especially for somebody, I know that I do it to myself. I can't stand anything I hear or see of myself for many reasons.

I don't think we're really supposed to.

I think the people that like themselves and are fans themselves.

Are horrible people.

So no.

I think the truly talented are repulsed by their own image and always are holding themselves to a higher expectation that they can never meet.

There's there's something that happens on this podcast where someone listening probably thinks I'm being a rude asshole. But oftentimes when I go down to check the levels, or I text our guest and of course my phone isn't working. Perhaps my service got turned off. Oh you're saying something important usually during that moment, and I leave you hanging.

Uh. Here's the thing, though, it's just not.

Sending oh do you want to get technology? Give me the numb Okay, it did send. It's just where you're in a mountainous. I don't know where we are, but.

By a huge old church.

If we go up ahead and pull into this beautiful little home that Witmer lives behind. It's got to be on the National Historic Registry registry. Good god, I need just a therapist to see house on a hill. It's gorgeous. What a look at this house?

Should we just be down at the bottom.

I don't know. I would say that's him silhouette? So look at his swagger? Look at his style?

Does he not?

He should have a coat.

I wish I knew how to roll down the window. You need you should be wearing a coat. Oh, we're going to hit the curt Oh there he is, Whitmer.

Hello, how are you? There's a microphone by your bottom, and my purse is over there too, so don't be looking through that. Yeah, touch it and slam it up towards your pie. Is it? It's a class microphone? It is, thank you.

Cool house in front of your house.

Yeah, that's that I live in a like this backhouse above the garage, and that that house is one of the first houses in l A.

No, that's I said, didn't I say? That's got to be on the Historic registery that home?

Right?

Yeah?

And it was moved the guy who owns that property that I lived on, it was he moved all of those different houses because he's some cool millionaire guy. Wow, I guess grew up across the street.

Is your mic? How's your mic?

Is it?

Is it in your mouth? Face?

Yeah? My voice doesn't carry very well.

Well I got there's always I'm not getting him very well. But all right now, oh pretty much better? Yes, the right way?

Oh yeah, okay, we are.

Sorry, but I always, I always.

Eventually you'll get on the one tin if you just stay on.

This road.

And then up the one one.

Yeah, you'll go the one tin to the one O one. Okay, don't performing on this show.

Oh I don't do stand up anymore. It's oh really he's lying. Wait, you are performing? I'm not. No, I have, I've been. I have been performing though I did just last night, just a couple shows, so I have to night off. As long as it averages out, i'd say, and maybe correct me if I'm wrong. Well it's not. It's an opinion, so don't correct me. It's my opinion. With you're always jumping down my throat with this stuff. I'm sorry. I promised you I wouldn't fight our guests.

Yeah.

Always, But I'd say if you go up three or four times a week, you're doing your job. Oh yeah, thank you for agreeing. A god knows what would happen had you not.

Conflict.

Yeah, and do you know Karen very well? Have you guys piled around?

Yeah, we piled around. I've drawn drawn a picture of her. We had a running bit at our old Power Violence show where everybody where Buddy was madly in love with Karen. And I mean he is in real life actually madly in love.

Oh wow.

But we would compete for her.

Yeah?

Really? Uh you know sincere Way.

Witt wrote me a song. Yeah, I just found the lyrics to that song the other day when I was cleaning up.

Oh really, you gave her the lyrics sheet. That's sweet.

I must have.

Yeah, he sang it and then you gave I think I ended up with it.

And that picture of the Buddy drew me.

That's that looks like it's from a mental hospital.

It's so hilariously. Oh, it's just hilarious.

Is when you say new Power Violence Show, have you guys left that we look at that place.

We don't do the shows often now, Yeah, eventually you'll get on the one tin, which is like it kind of sneaks up on you.

Yeah. Oh, all these exits, it's it's they are so horrifying. Yeah.

First I heard this was the first freeway ever built.

Yes, there's a lot of first la first right. Yeah, what you're gonna want to do is uh to get to We're gonna take the first freeway ever and go to the first house ever and that's that's where I live. This is rat Now everyone's gonna know where you live. They're gonna look up, do the research.

Now I am. I'm freaked by this freeway.

It's horrifying, ridiculous.

They the I guess cars only went twenty miles an hour when I was built. So yeah, they give you no time to exit. It's an accident on it every day.

Yes, and the stop signs.

That's the funniest thing to me is that you get out what I just ran it because my car can't get going fast enough.

Like you.

You come from a stop and then try to get onto oak.

Karen drives a car from the twenties.

She does it is the Model A.

It's beautiful, it's classic it's the cars on the historic Registry. There's no temporary lane. Like when you enter this freeway, there's no temporary lane. You It is diagonally right into what LA treats as the auto bond. People go really fast on this because it's like, hey, there's no rules over here. On the windy old one ten. There's not even a shoulder to get pulled over onto exactly, So no one gets pulled over because there's no shoulder.

Yeah, it's waw less. I like living living on the edge like that, Beau.

You's such a nice neighborhood.

You live in Zoo. It's beautiful.

Oh yeah, thanks, that's I've lived probably in every little area of LA, and so far this is my favorite one.

I noticed you had some uh, some fast and furious driver types going. It's at a normal thing.

Yeah, the that street at night especially, people are just cruising because they're getting off of the one thirty four, which is up you know, and they're just still in freeway mode. And the before we get to my house, the street is wider, so people are going as.

Fast as Oh okay, so they weren't necessarily that. I saw some guys with spoilers though, I think they they were sport driving.

Yeah, maybe they weren't. I mean park Oh, so you know there's a lot of a lot of those street drivers.

So back to the power. Where's the new power?

Oh, now it's at the satellite. Oh the satellite. That place is great. Yeah, it's okay, it's fun. It's different. It's not as it's much more i'd say curated in venue. In venue, yes, people have to pay to go. We only have a couple of comedians. It's not as i'd say, it's not as friendly as the other place, as in, if the show now has to be a thing that you know, the satellite won't get bummed out by. Right, it's not good. So we have to think about it a lot more. And it's not as fun of a

I can only imagine, oh, I haven't done your show for a while. That must mean we have beef.

Yeah, that you're mad, I mean, And usually what it means is, no, you're just another white guy, and that's we've got enough. That's why I don't get mad when I don't get booked on shows.

So many comedians.

Yeah, there really is. What would Chris and I like if Chris wasn't an artist slash skateboarder and I wasn't a I guess, uh, just straight up skateboarder, a skateboarder actor, skateboarder actors.

I saw you in that short film what was it called the Boyfriend.

My Daughter's boyfriend?

Oh your pool side a.

Lot, yeah, poolside creepy boyfriend.

Man. I like that. I like the kitchen scene. I thought you were good in the kitchen.

Oh thanks, Yeah, that was Joe. I would like to take credit for it, but the guy wrote and directed that. Joey Izzo is just like very talented, and I definitely was his puppet. You know.

So that's good.

Well that's that's that's called directing.

Yeah, he's a very good he's a very good director.

Mand acting, you have to be a client as an.

Actor, you will.

Did you guys know that when Buddy I think he's lost some weight, but at one point he was like three hundred pounds and I lifted him up on my shoulders.

Oh, I've got a picture of that. Yeah, that was squatted him.

I'm very What people don't know about me, Karen, I'm very strong, even though my legs are little and one of the hips needs to be replaced. There's just so much power there and it really comes to no use. And tell him lifting a friend. So he's standing. I crouched, so I'm lifting with my back. Also, you're not supposed to do that. And I just put my head right by his balls and I just I just stand up. I stood up with him.

I did it. A lot of people took photos and it was a fun, magical night.

That was a long time ago, and it's probably the best, the last best time I've had.

And then after that we went to some diner by Andy Wood's house and Buddy fell asleep while eating pancakes, sitting up like.

Steve in real life, real life.

Yeah, just fell asleep while eating them, sitting straight up. And then everybody took pictures of that. No, that's I missed that. I feel like we were like fourteen and that sap.

It was a long time ago. Yeah, it seemed like everyone was young.

Oh wait, well you stayed the right Sorry, sorry, sorry, sir, that it's Okay, it's okay, it's confusing.

I panicked, It's okay.

We Uh. One night I went into Norms and it was it's gonna be hard to describe, but I made. My vines are wildly popular. I think this one got four likes. But uh. I walked in and there was a man, an older man, and his hair was kind of all Bernie sandersy and he was just laying literally with his face on his plate. And I was laughing at that. And then I panned over and some other man who's not even related to him or friends with him,

That's magical.

Ever, that's a magical moment.

It was the best.

I wonder if that's the moment diner where the guy who wrote Dan in real life works probably and.

He got all his inspiration.

Yeah.

Oh, man. I remember when I first moved to LA and I would fantasize. I would think, like if I could just get that job delivering pizza, like you know, like that was making it for me. It was getting the the cool La working actor job, like I'm gonna do it.

Yeah, oh yeah, what what place did you deliver flavored.

For Ocean Park Pizza? And then I delivered for yummy dot com for years?

Now?

Did it? Ever?

This thing happened that sometimes happens in eighties movies where a lady a pretty mom and curlers and wearing silking neglige is like, why don't you come in and have a slice with me?

Oh yeah, that'd happen, honestly, Yeah, that would happen a lot. Actually, not so much delivering pizza, because it's just a different type of delivering groceries. I would deliver wine and a vodka and salad, fruits, g rades, different sexy stuff. And at one time I delivered a cranberry juice vodka in a pregnancy test.

Oh wow, that was great. Wow, I bet that one invited yet.

Yeah. But now there was a couple of different customers where I would go and I knew that I was going to get into some sort of sexual situation, whether it be like they wanted me to watch them like try on new outfits or Yeah. And then there was one woman that we, you know, rock, rock n rolled. She was definitely I'd say, let's see, I was probably twenty three and I think she was probably forty five. She's just a she was like up nineties kind of

She come upstairs.

Yeah. No, she was like, come on into the living room and sit on the couch and look for cash. And I went in and sat on the couch and when I sat on to the couch, a vibrator rolled out from the cushion next to me.

And did she set that up?

I don't know. And then she came in and gave me cash and she was like, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. Sorry, I'm just I've just been very horny. We can go, And I said, like I remember thinking like, okay, it's like I have to this has to happen. So I was like, hey, I know how you feel. And then no joke. She was like really and she sat down and stood me up and pulled my pants down and gave me a blowjob.

It are you.

Not describing the last dirty movie you rented?

No, I'm not really. I swear this happened. So after that happened, she was like, come back to my place after you get off. I went back to work and all the other drivers were closing out, you know, and cashing out and stuff. And I was like, hey, have you'll ever been to this person's house and they were like yeah, yeah, out of time. Man, she's a babe, And I was like, yeah, that's anything. Have you ever

One that's funny.

I waited there until three am, and she called me and told me to come up.

And when I went up, she was having a vodka and salad nap.

No, she was looking through a telescope on her balcony. She lived on the beach in Santa Monica. Whoa, And she like told me to come out there. I thought she was gonna teach me everything I ever needed.

To know, missus Robinson, so yeah, sure, But.

Instead she just brought me out to her balcony and told me about astrological symbols and oh and eventually she started talking about how she could never she'll never be able to find love. Oh no, and that how I'm not like the other drivers.

Oh and then she said she had had relations with the other drivers.

I don't know. That's the thing. I remember her going, You're not like Wayne.

The other kid who.

Looked like Chris Rock was always he always wanted to talk about fantasy football.

But that guy. She she was.

Like, yeah, you're not like the other drivers. And she's like, you go to a lot of houses on this street and as yeah, and she goes a lot of the girl women like me on the street and I said, I mean, yeah, honestly there it's just a lot.

Of very.

Like fit women. And that's she was like, do you know why I'm I's like no, And she goes, this is called call girl alley.

What And I swear this is real.

I've just got I'm good at telling this story because people always ask me if I've ever ever hooked up with anybody?

All she's in the sex worker industry.

Yeah, she goes, this is called call girl Alley. Most of the people who live on this street or were high profile call girls. Wow, and that's how we make our living. Like I'm not actually a masseuse. And she had her yet she had like a massage table in her place.

Oh wow, with a price tag still on the three inches of dust. That is a maze. That's the most erotic story we've ever heard on you to need a run?

That was girlfriend in La Yeah, how long did you was the wedding bells?

No?

But she did. Eventually she texted me that she moved out because I quit, you know, and then stopped seeing her. And she texted me that she moved out of that place and onto a boat and would invite me to come onto her boat all the time.

But I never would, Yeah, because you'd get seasick. Yeah, because she grew, she had become a captain sat.

I love that story that she's still tippy.

Yeah, that was what was weird. After she gave me that blowjob, she gave me five dollars.

Oh that's great. Did she make some sort of just the tip joke, like, because that would have been a perfect time for her to do that.

No. But what's funny about that is after that, I had a set or something at Tiger Lily like the next day, and I was high off of that experience. I couldn't believe it. And Howard Kramer, who I didn't know. I only knew him in the way that I had seen, you know, any comedian on stage and sure, and was like, oh, he's like a successful comedian and he that's like, that's cool, he's like a headliner.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought at that time.

I was really new and I was really nervous.

To meet and he is a he is a cool headliner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but at the time there's more of a trash from Oh.

There were desolutely at a huge contract. Yeah, and I remember he uh, I think introduced him or I introduced myself to him. He asked me somehow we got to talk about it, and then he asked me if I had ever hooked up with anybody I was delivering to, and I told him, and I remember by the end of the story there was all of these comedians, like headlining, cool comedians who were gathered around listening to me tell the story. And it was like my introduction to cool comics.

It's not a story that you would solicit or I can't knowing you. I can't imagine you just bringing it up. Someone has to say, oh, delivery, did you have? Yeah, that's.

You.

Ever go ahead and rock and roll.

My friend rod we both worked there at that place.

Of course, rod used to get still nothing.

He's the king of YENGI well Rodney.

Yeah, Rodney's my favorite person to talk to parties.

Yeah.

He would work there too, and he would always make fun of me because of my experiences with just people in general, not even not just women, just like I would get One time I got sort of trapped into a closet by an obsessive, compulsive guy who was making me like put his San Pellegrino water with all of the cases facing a certain way, and it was just like he had a Picasso in the closet.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean I would go to the craziest places and what I found was like delivering in groceries in Santa Monica was where I work. You would deliver in Santa Monica and Venice, and I found that Venice and Santa Monica are so different. Santa Monica is this weirdo rich people who typically are working in the industry and are often very good tippers.

Uh huh.

And Venice, I'm sure this is not how No, not Venus people were the fucking worst.

Hey, hey, I'm in Marina del Rey. I'm about yeah beard in a boat.

They were the worst. And they were always so.

Uh rude.

Yeah, anytime anybody had any Marilyn Monroe art, they were always going to.

Be Oh that's a great constant.

Yeah, they're probably on coke. I think those two things go together.

Or like something.

Jim Morris, well, I'm not surprised that you didn't end up in weird situations where people needed you in some way, because it's a type of person that needs to have their groceries delivered, like agoraphobic or or OCD or whatever, obsessive compulsive like I need to stay home and have someone, And whether they want to face it or not, they're probably lonely and they're like a person's here, Oh, I'm looking at my collection, Look at my boobs, look at help,

I remember Rod was showing me the Ropes on my first day and he was like, yeah, so your first day, it's a Monday, so you mainly just delivered to businesses. It'll be a good day. Monday's a great Monday morning is a great morning. And I was like, sweet, this

In the world.

Yeah, just in the world.

Thank god she didn't bring up astrology.

And then yeah, she sat next to me on the couch and she said, why are you a delivery blake. I was like, I don't know, because it's a cool job. And she was like, okay, wow, I think you're too cool to be a delivery boy.

What who the hell are you?

I don't know, man, it was cool, the best.

Time of my life. After how many minutes since she decided this, it was.

Like five minutes.

How long did you stay? Don't you have other deliveries?

I did, but I was dude, you just get stuck. I wish everybody could just shadow a driver.

Yeah, because you would.

Get stuck doing people's chores.

You would get you.

I would ask you to at least with uber left.

They're in your car for a minute and then you're rid of them. It's like there. You can't get any further than that. But when you're going to someone's house, depending on how to please just come into the next room, you're probably like, well, I'm either dying or I'm going to be bored, or I have to help someone with their catheter.

Or celebrities, any celebrities yeah.

I delivered to cool. Definitely delivered to celebrities.

Hello cool, I'll just say I'll just say celebrity, Sandra Bullet, Wish, Clooney, Elton, John Who did I deliver James l.

Ro delivered to John cheatle a bunch?

Oh nice? Yeah, yeah, he's got it. He seems like he.

Delivered to the guys from a mentalist.

Baker.

Everybody was nice. I didn't have any weird celebrity accounters. John Cleese's daughter, Camilla, who's now a comedian.

Yeah, she's a comic. I've met her.

Yeah, she but back then I don't think she was a comedian and she would tip like fucking it would change your life.

Oh really, she's she's a nice person. She's very very tall.

She's crazy. But she's on Main Street in Santa Monica. That's made out all metal. It's called like edge Cliff. It's by where Ben and Jerry's is on Main Street.

Yeah. Is it not shape like a piano bill?

Oh?

Is it?

Maybe?

I think a bird's eye view or a plane. If you're not a bird, who can describe pianos?

It's shape like a there's a theater there and I guess the woman who owns that theater would employ her assistance to get groceries in ice and water and beer delivered there for the week, so you would just keep your fingers crossed that you would get that delivery. But sometimes they would already have a bunch of the stuff from the last week, but it was just on the assistance list of things to do, and I think the owner of the place would give her like, okay, just

Yeah, yeah, my whole month is different.

Yeah.

I love those little Everyone loves money, right he look, well that brings it all. Look at it. Those grapefruits are going to sometriss o. That guy's so excited ours now. That guy, that guy is not like you and Rod. He seemed pretty by the books.

You know, those are the ones that are the trickiest.

Yeah, everybody, everybody who worked in Hollywood too, said the Wayne's brothers would give you a crazy good tip.

And really, because I've heard that, Uh, Sean didn't tip very well at a restaurant. I have really good stories.

It was with Marlon this night.

Marlon, Yes, that's what I'm thinking of the young one. Yeah, he didn't tip very well. Sean's nice. I like that guy. I even like his stand up comedy.

I love those I love that whole family. In my mind, they do.

No wrong, especially if you're looking at a movie list. Yeah.

But uh and then Kevin Smith, great tipper, Drew Carrey.

Good So you went all the way up. Did you go into his house? Oh?

No, I didn't meet these guys. These are just like from I would mainly deliver at night to loansome women. During the day was the celebs.

I could listen to you talk about that all the time. That's the best.

I don't know, maybe you need to start a podcast because it's kind of like erotic fan fiction.

But what really happened?

I thought about it.

My next started sweating during that as soon as the dildo came out of the couch, and I was like, oh my lord, it feels like.

It definitely something out of a Brett Easton, Ellis Breddy, Bretty Sternellis Reddy.

That's so great.

I like it.

Now, will you tell my second favorite story because that just replaced it. But the other story that you tell that I love, if you're comfortable doing it, is what happened to you when you were little?

Oh when I was kidnapped?

Yes?

What the first time you were what?

Where? Oh? Yeah?

Where?

What kind of a town? Let's first describe.

There are all these stories. You just have the same smile on your face. It's all I all a similar experience.

I just think that by the time I was like eleven, so many I had been so put upon and everything worked out. But by the time I was eleven, my life was such a joke.

You know, like how am I around?

Because there was another time? Okay, well there was another time when I was eleven where I almost got kidnapped again in New York City. But when I was three, I was lived in Birmingham, and I was hanging Birmingham, Alabama, was hanging out with my in my kitchen, and a man broke into my house. I mean, I'll tell the full story, not this, but man so a man broke in my house. He like pushed my mom down.

I still have anticipation of it getting erotic though. Sorry.

Sorry, he broke into my house, pushed my mom down and grabbed me out of the kitchen and then ran out the back of the house and he ran up the steps that we lived in. Our house was lower than the backstreet, so he had to run up the steps and then out into the street. And luckily my dad was driving down the street. Oh you're kidding and saw this man, and you know, my dad.

Like, did he play it cool and go pardon me, sir?

Karate and the joke I say, my dad was like, excuse me, sir, that's my boy. Give him here. But yeah, so my dad, no, my so, I did tell that, and my the man gave me back to my dad, and my dad called the cops. And my dad whenever he heard me tell that, he was like, dude, you don't mention the acts.

And I was like what.

But in the so, what truthfully happened was my dad got out of the car and had a act his trunk and pointed at the dude's throat until the dude like gave me back, and then my dad called the cops, and the cops went to the man's house, and the dude lived in a creepy backhouse and my dad describes as something out of True Detective.

That's so so your dad.

Wait wait, okay, well inside of the look at that building. Inside of the backhouse, he lived in like a hoarder's life, you know. And he had a living room with an old, weird bathtub in the middle of it. And then the bathtub was all this gross, dirty water and stuff, A bunch of my toys and clothes and things.

From previous oh and a bunch.

Of photos that the man had been taken to me since the day I was brought home from the hospital.

Oh shit, you were his favorite boy.

I was his favorite best boy.

Ohly shit.

And so you know they.

Your life is a joke. Yeah, how how does that happen?

I don't know, man, But he was about two blocks away from my house, so if it would have worked out, I would have been one of those kids it was kidnapped, and yeah, stuck two blocks.

Away with Stockholm syndrome. That that where it has a weird haircut and wears a togn like you. Oh god, that's so scary. Yeah, and did you see that guy around the neighborhood after that or did he went to.

Jail and then went to a mental institution. He had a history of this same thing before. Oh my god lived in his brother's back house and his brother So how did someone in New York also have your toys and pictures of Was that just a random when I was physically peaking, Like if you looked at a photo of me, I was the perfect amount of sad. My dad had just ran off, Like I was that that dream boat sadn.

Oh god, I'm so kidnappable.

Yeah, I looked great. Anyway, I was sitting in the hotel room. My brother lived half in New York with his dad and half in Alabama, and so we were visiting him and this my mom had this hotel with me and my cousins and I was ten or eleven, and my mom went out on a date that night, and my cousins all went and had fun with my brother's New York friends. They were about sixteen. So it was like dream situation, you know, living kids.

Yeah, the movie Kids, Yeah, except no aids.

No aids. Yeah. So they left me at the hotel and I was watching Critics Choice, the Dana Carvey Special Special. Ever, when every time I see Dana Carvey's face, I get fear in my heart because of this. But so I was watching Critics Choice and in this hotel there was a courtyard in the center of it, and there was all of these you could see into the other hotel rooms, sort of like it was a square hotel with an

I'm watching you.

Oh, don't move, I'm going to come in there and fuck you in the ass.

No way.

Yeah, And I freaked and I hid under the bed, under the like pull out bed.

Holy shit.

And then it called again and it goes, don't you hide under the fucking bed. IM to come in there right now and to.

Fuck you in the ass. This is the scariest stop it.

Yes, it was so scary. I started kind of ran out of the hotel and I ran to the elevator and the elevator opened, and this giant man was in the elevator, like, you know, like a ten foot tall man. And I screamed and ran back, ran down all of the steps, uh huh, and into the lobby and I was I went into the lobby bar asking if they had seen my mom, which was just like, oh, no, kid,

And you're just a kid in your pajamas right now, yeah, holy shitballs.

And my mom was there and I ran up to her like crying, freaking.

Out, screaming, someone's gonna fuck me in the air well.

She was on a date with this guy, and I was like afraid to She was like, what's going.

Afraid to ruin the date by giving a horrible mom impression. This seems like it's going well, but a ten foot man's gonna fuck my butt.

I was freaking out and I was like, Mom, what am I supposed to do? And she's like there's somebody and she's like what is the man saying? And I was too afraid to say it, Like I was embarrassed to sit a fuck me and the ass oh, and my mom was like, okay, we'll just go to the lobby. And you know, she was having difficult time in her life. She's like, go to the lobby and I'll be there soon, or I'll get your brother to come there. And my brother came to the lobby and my brother is the coolest.

It was really cool.

This was his famous.

Skates bad did you skateboard?

Ye?

Yeah, I skated okay.

And that night the same man called my cousin Jenny, who is alone in the So.

This is a guy that's looking out his window or yeah, somehow out of.

His windows and knows that that room number the phone number, which is crazy.

What a horrible person now, And then everyone believed Ginny. Of course she was a little older. And uh, and I went to Schwartz and I bought a action figure. My mom got me an action figure.

Wait, that's what you get, I guess.

Now, do you think the ten foot man in the elevator was the right?

That's what I was. That was just it was just like a perfect situation, even as a little kid. You know, that's the last guy you want trying to fuck your butt. Yeah, yeah, giant just look at his hands like a kid knows that much. Yeah is Oh, that's so scary. Do you think any any steps were taken to try and put that guy in jail and then a mental institution, because because it probably would have been easy to find him. Yeah, but I guess he didn't break the law to actually

It could have just been kids doing it. I mean, who knows. But well, they were looking into my window. They described what I was doing, So who knows. Either way? That was scary.

Yeah, that is I can't believe those two things happened to you.

Do you have a story where someone doesn't want you?

Do you have.

Where you got turned down?

By someone is reaching and then it's like, you know where.

You wanted to get kidnapped at some point where you wanted.

To I wanted it, but it didn't happen.

Robe to you.

Where that's happened in a smaller scale, a.

Dildo flew out of a couch and they were like, that's not mine, Maybe you should leave.

No, I think you know. I was talking to a buddy of mine recently and she was saying, she thinks that the reason this would happen to me and continue, I continue to get in situations that maybe are not good, like encounters with people where they I get stuck with them in some way and they it's she was saying, it's because I don't I I don't. I don't really drink too much. I don't like there's nothing about me that would say I'm like troubled right off the bat.

No, No, you seem you seem like an innocent person in the face.

And I put off a very yeah, I put off a very like innocent and experienced vibe. So I think that people think that, oh, this will be fine because he's he's never seen anything like this.

Especially Yeah. Yeah. Add the fact that you were indeed a child.

Well back then, yeah, oh god, But I think that's why with delivering groceries, people would always invite me in a little more than other people.

Whereas I if I went door to door, I'd have this angry look and a mustache and they're like, oh, that guy would just add to my complaints, my problems. But no, I've experienced that too, especially when I was younger, Like why is it that people take advantage of me? Or what it's because if some crazy person stops me on the street, or I'm getting better at it and said, hey, pardon me, sir, I'd stop and I'd hear them out, whereas you're not supposed to do that, or I've learned

I've gotten better at it now. But now if I am, if I am go hey, oh hey, I actually can't talk right now.

Oh sorry, that it's hair.

Oh sorry, I go, hey, I can't talk right now because I have to go to the bathroom or something. Then someone buddy will go come up to me. My friend buddy will go, hey, man, why were.

You such a dick?

To Jim?

And I wait talking about and then he'll go. Jim just came up to me and said you were the biggest asshole ever to him.

Weird, Like, I just feel like I.

Gave too much at one point, and now if I don't give it all people.

Oh it's it's contrasting. Yeah, God, that's so funny.

You don't have to give anything.

Well, I feel like you're like that, Karen. I feel like I always see you talking to people for a very long time.

Oh, I give nothing though. Really, Yeah, I'm just gonna bullshitting. But ultimately, you know, the curtains are closed inside.

And that's my problem. That's really my that's my burden to bear.

I think usually I'm in a decent mood and I talk to people, but then I turn it off pretty quickly, and I think people think I'm quick to anger, and I think that it's because that's probably true. You mean we're going the wrong way? Who cares? Who cares? You know what? It's a horrible design for a parking lot. It's they everyone has shame and the rise for us. I'll just give a friendly wave.

Sorry about Sorry, it's time, Right, it's time.

For Yeah, it's we're we're writing time. It's ten your comedy concerts. We're going to the improv. We're dropping we off of the improv. He's gonna do you're doing stand up right and not one of these uh characters. Nah, I'll think you do a very good uh Matthew McConaughey. But you don't have to do it now. I'm not gonna.

They I'll just tell everybody the key to Matthew McConaughey is to say pharmaceutical drugs. Yeah, I'm not sure. Right in there, say the names of his movies and say what he talks about in the movie, and then and go yelish, Buyers Club and confused. I have no shame.

I love that was great.

I love what they want.

Yeah, give we'll give it.

To I'm thank you for being a great guest and telling the best stories we've had so far. I can't I'm horrified and still tantalized. Tantalized, Yes, thanks, of course.

Absolutely. Do you have anything you want to plug?

Yeah, just follow me on Twitter.

Yeah, that's all I really want out of people, too, is it?

Thomas Whitmore, Thomas Whitmer, w H I T. M. E. R.

Thomas And if you're ever in Los angelet's go to the satellite and watch Poware Violence. It's a great show.

Yes, hilarious, wonderful. Well skateboard good feelings.

Yeah, good skateboard vibes. People need to realize that that's a good vibe skateboarding.

It's the best vibe.

Wit, nice skateboard and let's plug this. Let's go skating. Well, I have to get a fake hip first. No, I can still roll around.

Okay, cool, let's do that.

Karen, do you have anything you want to say? I conclusionary.

Here's my conclusion thing.

If you guys go skating, please video tape it.

Okay, make a video of some kind.

He's good at that. WIT's always made little videos. Yeah, I've never rid.

I never I got you in a video.

You did? You did? And I think I was like, oh man, I still have that hunchback. Last time I do that again. I don't like the way. But this time I'll make a video and I'll make sure to make my spine straight.

Yeah, okay, let's do that.

Yeah, we're gonna do that. Some goals, some realistic goals, and I'm gonna learn to enunciate. And I'll start by saying, you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D Y N A R?

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and they turning on and Gabe, we want to send you.

Off in stamer We want to welcome.

You back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared or was it fine?

Melbourn the the.

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris