Ep. 76 - JACKIE KASHIAN

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turn and al and gage. We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared? Or was it fine? Now porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris.

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Welcome to Do you need to Ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen Kilgareff.

We're coming at you live on a Super Bowl Sunday.

As we get onto the one seventy.

Three right north, apparently we found the only Super Bowl traffic. I guess this is just a line of cars of people that ran out of tostitos liquefied kso.

Oh it was because there was a freeway car accident. You don't see those that often did you see that car?

No?

Oh, yeah, that guy was just stopped in the middle of the freeway walking around someone just to his car.

He seems disoriented.

We should probably go at least wander around with him so he doesn't feel like such an outcast.

It's a good idea, so he's not embarrassed.

Yeah, yeah, just wander around. Were also in shock the middle of a freeway?

Yeah, just kind of walk in Well, he actually was getting something out of his trunk, but didn't seem appropriate.

It's probably just a gun. It's like, I've had enough of this now. He's as good a time as any.

Walter super Bowl Sunday, Baby, he.

Named his gun Walter. I have not watched. I've watched the beginning of the game.

I'm on a commercial and I wanted to air during the Super Bowl. I'm not sure why.

What commercial?

It's a subway commercial.

Oh what are you doing?

Oh?

I'm reacting to a crazy newsperson who thinks that something called Submageddon is occurring. It's really just a crowd of people at a subway excited about the six.

Dollars foot longs. But this newsperson.

Who is not playing the straight man because she is just in winter clothes and she said, there's you know, it's putting stress on the sidewalk, things like that. And I walk out and I look at her like, well, there's a crazy news lady. And I get in the car. I don't say anything.

Oh, but you do a lot of face acting, yes, and maybe a little back ding.

I have turned around again into.

The car and a little backne because I'm shirtless in the scene.

That's the secret you brought on stage is that you have backne.

You always have to bring something to your character. And I brought mine some backne.

Just big, just just sores, maybe open weeping sores on your back.

The first thing I said to the director is I feel this character should be shirtless.

He said, let's do it.

He said, I want to play with it. I want let's play with the scene.

Yeah, he said, play with it. Riff if you will.

That's awesome. But just with your eyes.

It was funny. It's funny though you do something like that.

And I've never gotten so many people texting me and saying, oh, I just did I just see you in a It's exciting.

I see my friends off very often in commercials and I shouted out.

When I see it, should I go right or left?

I think left.

There's a graffiti on the sign, which I think that it's important as a graffiti artist to establish ownership of a sign. I understand that you want to have as many signs on your turf as possible, but.

Is that true.

I don't know what those lunatics are thinking. I just need to know north or south? And you put Z Boy This.

Sherman Way is Z boys area, though I hope we'll run into him.

Got me too, spray you right in the face.

What if he is actually shaped like a Z like? He has terrible posture and he's always kneeling.

That's why they call me z boy because of my scoliosis.

Don't say anything about my breeze. He starts crying.

I am sorry. I'm going to turn off my thing.

Oh good idea. Yeah, let's let's all agree, you and I and the audience. Let's not take phone calls during this episode?

Yeah? Can we please?

And I'm sorry to be like a stickler about rules, but that goes for you at home.

Yeah, everybody, please, please, no phone calls. We're begging, do not pause this, even if it has to happen in real time, even if.

It seems urgent and was prefaced by a text that says, please pick up when I call. Oh my god, there's so much blood. Yes, do not answer the phone.

Just let us have our time with you.

It's an important episode.

This is the episode where we figure it out.

Yeah, and oh you have to be all selfish and talk to your mema.

Oh, what was that song?

I don't know. I don't know. Then O song. I'm sorry. I hate it when I bail on you like this.

Comedically, you're supposed to say you do know the song no matter what. Yeah, that's the rule.

I O you.

I know it's against the rules of vimprov. I actually don't really know what song I'm singing either.

Well, I'm going to have you re sing it and hold my shoes I.

Am up to your face.

Oh good idea, And.

Then I'm gonna do something with that phone. App I'm gonna be such a great dad. Just jokes like that. It's gonna be so much fun. It's gonna be so much fun.

Guys.

I do really want to describe the skyline right now, because it's kind of like the sun has gone down, but the sky is still yellow turning blue.

I think that's a moth am.

I wrong, Uh No, mov is more purple.

Yeah, purplish gray. I was testing you. Oh okay, I went to art school. Yes, thank you for one.

You won?

I won everything?

Yeah, you want everything.

I want art school even though I never went to I flunked out of Colin.

You won a degree from art school.

Now do you get a degree from our school?

I have a bachelor's degree in fine arts with an analysis in drawing.

Is that true?

Yes?

Yes, so that's crazy.

I could know that.

Yes, I could put a bee after my name that stands for bachelor.

I think technically I.

Can until you get married. Yeah, and then you have to rip up all of your educational certificates.

Yep, so sad, or keep them in the den, the only place where I can be myself.

The den cave. Do you think that man caves are out at this point?

The phrase I hope.

I mean like just the concept of it. Do you think that's out? Do you think feminism is beaten down man caves?

I hate to bring this news, but I don't think so. I think man caves are here to stay at Karen.

I mean, I understand that man man want to get away.

It's weird, and I you know, I don't care about football, but there is something missing because I know I'm missing the game in it.

I have thought about it a few times.

She knew what was going on.

I wish I had friends, and I wish that we were all setting and watching, you know, peripherally watching this football game.

Should we set some goals for next year? At this time next year.

Go this time next year exactly. I'm going to watch the super Bowl.

You're gonna watch a super Bowl.

And before that, find friends.

Yet you have a full year to find friends, and and I would really suggest that you don't just look for football friends because that might take you down a path you don't want.

To per se.

And then no one's going to bring elegant dishes, which is important.

No, they'll just be rooted out and snapping everything in half. Mm hmm. Don't get I'm just saying, keep your eyes open.

Don't get a bunch of slim gym buddies.

No, the amount of salt that'll be at that party if you only have slim gym friends is dangerous. I don't want to think about it.

No, we're all going to leave with kidney stones. Yeah, I think I think that's what kidney stone is. It's assault depa. I'm not mistaken.

I heard there. Just they're tiny pieces of beef jerky. Oh that with fingernails growing around. Yeah, you didn't know that.

No, No, that's that's like an aquating hunger for us aquating.

Yes, that's what it used to be.

Originally it was supposed to be in Jamaica quatinas mon.

And what would the theme songs sound like?

It would sound like a piece of piece donkeys, jerk chicken. Who you calling a jerk?

Right?

Oh God, I can't wait to embarrass kids.

You were going to I'm so embarrassed right now. And I'm incredibly old.

One time, my dad, it was like a parent teacher conference or something. He pulled his pants up, and I do believe I recall him falling downstairs on purpose, just to make the other kids parents laugh.

Oh that's genius.

Yeah, even acted hurt. People ran over, Are you okay, mister Fairbanks? Then they got it right in the face with a squirting flower.

And no one ever cut on that that cute, big huge daisy that he was wearing pinned to a t shirt was a squirting flower no one knows.

Everyone he met he said, oh this, don't mind this. I'm just into gardening, or am I squirts right in the eye, right in the open eye.

Good times.

They were the best of times.

So the next big light, you're gonna go right, Okay, cool, We're heading over to Jackie Kasion's house. She's done us the huge favor of being on this podcast with us. We love her and she's one of our favorite guests.

Yeah.

But also it is Super Bowl Sunday. Yeah, so it's kind of like we're cutting into a national holiday.

I think if, sorry, if the Green Bay Packers were in the Super Bowl, she would not be available. But like a lot of people, you know, no one cares about these teams. Today is the Denver Bronco. The fighting Broncos are going pitted against the North Carolina.

Lurking Ravens Panthers Panthers. That was a see there we go. Now everyone knows for sure that I don't follow.

Football, well, but you will next year.

Who are the Ravens Baltimore?

Ah?

Yes, and I don't also follow football, but I just had to work on that pilot where it was all sports.

The quarterback is Joe Flacco for the Ravens, just so I can all of a sudden game back some points.

Okay, that's gonna that's gonna get you pretty far.

I only know that because I was in a Testino's commercial.

Oh that's right.

I drop a bag of chips, and right when I bend over to get him, he sees it as an opportunity to confuse it for a hike, and he gets behind me.

He goes Blue forty two, and I just say, time out. It's funny. Yes, yes, because I'm homophobe. My character was homophobia.

Sure we or just maybe you know there is that thing where you just maybe don't want people's hands near you're junk.

You know that is what the thing was. Because I'm not saying I wasn't attracted to the man.

Yeah, I remember you talking about what a true specimen he was.

Was a physical specimen and very disarming.

He was shy, and uh, I'm.

I guess I'll add handsome.

Why not?

Why wouldn't I probably should have been the first thing I mentioned.

That's kind of a given though, because I think we talked about this on that episode. But those people who dedicate their lives to sports are gorgeous simply by the fact that they don't have an ounce of fat on their body. Right, They're just They're just what Cardio looks like as a person.

I'm gonna I'm gonna look like that one day.

I'm gonna get a new hip and I'm going new Oh should I turned left?

Not here?

Oh yeah?

Oh sorry, I didn't realize we were there. Okay, Sorry, We're trying to be tricky about how to specifically get to Jackie's house, and in doing so, I'm almost making Chris crash the car.

Quite all right, we do it again.

Chris's driver and sound.

Ma'am today, Grandpa, I just said that to a twenty year old.

Okay, we go.

It's always the four Aerostars.

It is. Now there's an American.

Car that's exactly what you've been looking for.

To start nuts today. Wrinkles.

Good lord, Okay, and this is familiar. I feel like we're in a We're in Kati territory.

Yeah, this is it's a real suburban part of I think this is Vanu's technically, I can say the city right, yes, okay.

Yes, you're going to have a great time.

I don't want to spoil anything, but she I think wants to talk about girls counts. Oh, so I'll save everything I have to say about that for that moment. If she doesn't mention it, I'm gonna bring it up, don't you worry.

Good plan. I just actually had coffee with Jackie the other day.

Oh really, what did you talk about?

Well, I can't I'm not at liberty to say, oh, it's down on more but Aaron Foley and I who's another great comic who also? God damn it. Oh no, I'm right, I'm right. Sorry, it's here. I went to coffee with Aaron Foley, and as I'm texting her to tell her I'm late, which I always am, She's saying it's fine because Jackie Cass already here. So then we all like coffee. Oh wow, it was wonderful.

That sounds fun if you just pull up and just start honking. Yeah, let's just look.

At she's just waiting. She's just sitting on her front porch.

Way, Oh my goodness, she is. This is almost embarrassing.

Well, it'll be fun. Did she expect us to be here sooner?

Yes?

Everyone always is. We're always late, all right, We are always late. It's hard.

I had to get gas. I had to get batteries. We're sorry, we're late.

We're finally here.

She's upset. She's upset. No, shent, No she's not.

Did you get to see Beyonce?

Why not?

Oh? Oh okay, good, it wasn't it. No one took it away from you.

Good.

That's what I'm checking on. We didn't ruin your evening.

Oh hey guys, hey, sorry, but just things came up. We had to get batteries. We had to get gas. We had to get gas and batteries to get.

Our ship together.

There's books and that's perfect.

Yeah.

If you get bored, don't don't be afraid.

To just.

A little mic next to you? Or did I blow that?

You blew it? Brother? You gotta get a light sort of lighting situation.

Oh you just tapped it.

Oh it's it is right right under your.

This side up right here.

Okay, possibly too loud. Yeah, I'm gonna turn that down. There we go talking.

There she is Jackie Case.

Thank you, thank you for getting inside the Honda.

Hi, this is a beautiful Honda. Unfaithful music. He is a little unfaithful.

I have a book back there.

Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't stick to the script. No, he's like, dude, you were a sky guy, weren't you? Or what was his buzz?

I think what was his buzz?

Daddy Jackie's into jazz.

I think he was one of those SKA cats. Wasn't he was?

He?

Was?

He? I listened to that, Miam? Is true? Business? Is that that? Yes?

Yes, you're right, huge fan.

Weirdly enough, I'm going to.

See him, are you really?

I would love to see him. I'm a big, big fan.

You have to go to Orange County. That's where he's being kept.

You guys have coffee in a case?

Yeah you need coffee?

Yeah? Yeah, let's go get some coffee.

Okay, okay, let us.

We should have brought you some. I'm sorry.

I need to actually because it's Super Bowl Sunday, guys.

That's right? And so what uh so, what the hell?

What's the journey going to be?

Like?

What's gonna happen?

There's less traffic.

I found that so far people are driving at at a super Bowl rate, which is nonchalant.

If you guys see something, say something, yeah I am There's an LED readout somewhere on a highway. That tells you that if someone's driving drunk, if.

You can nark on him quick.

No matter what you see, tell somebody, even if it's boring.

A T mobile store, have you guys?

See sometimes there's a there's one of those those floppy things here on this corner.

See the tiny.

Oh, let's do it.

Oh there's a human she's on her way to an after party for this.

Bring it, lady. We're across the street from my papa.

Que Rico used to be a check cashing place, and now it is a grilled chicken place.

Oh, it's really good. It's good, and you can still cash a check. Probably.

I like there's pictures on the sign.

Always a good, always a good sign.

They look like was that an army man on the sign for a chicken restaurant?

I don't think it was an army man. Okay, I think it's army guys.

Oh, oh, I see.

We're gonna hang it right up. Here're gonna do it.

The Starbucks. Nice, two Starbucks in an hour.

Two Starbucks. Oh, that's right, you guys just went.

We should have we should have texted ahead for your for your order, my order.

I thought we were gonna I thought we were gonna go to I thought you guys were giving me a ride to Starbucks.

That's what's happening.

Yeah, that's totally what's But.

You did mention coffee beans. Did you want to buy beans in bulk? Can you do that at Starbucks?

You can't. You could buy you could buy beans.

What if you like when you're more of a person who prefers ground, Oh, I have them.

Grind them. I have a grinder.

But it was a short lived day when I wanted to grind my own beans and sort of live that life.

That ended quickly.

That ended very quickly.

It's kind of a pain.

You don't expect the whole lifestyle that goes along with it.

Yeah, there's a huge commitment, tiny pandfuls of beans and then grinding and then a mess and coffee dust.

Yeah, you have to wear a lot of itchy, itchy smocks.

Oh yeah, and gold canners too.

That's right. Drug addicts, right, they all call it that, they all do. I use a coffee grinder on beans, and it's very loud.

It's super loud.

It's the other thing so obnoxious.

Do you know that Andy killer has one of the those bulbs those water bulb things. Did you see it like intelligentsia? Oh, but he's got a fancy coffee situation.

Going on, like a pour over deals.

But more than that, it was a wordy it's an upcoming episode of the Dark Forest.

Feel free to listen.

It'll talk to.

Me about when I could only say it sounds like a beaker of some sort.

Okay, is it a clover machine? I'm just gonna keep guessing now.

I think it's a four leaf clover machine, and it's super lucky if you can get it and you have the best coffee in the world.

Did he just tell you about it or did you see it?

No, he just told me about it.

It was me him and Bobby Tisdale, and Bobby Tisdale wanted to talk about breakfast, so Andy Kidler went off on a coffee jag that lasted minutes.

Pretty great.

I like when he goes off on Jack's.

I once heard him go off on a jag about the TV show Jazz and that never ended.

Seemed like it was never gonna end.

Much like the TV show Jag.

Did you Little Note? Little Note a spin off? N Cis that's right?

Because military mysteries, I would have thought that n CIS was its own from.

The mind of zeus.

You know why you think that? Because Mark Harmon, Baby, he makes you He's the b all end Off.

I believe I read somewhere that he is the highest paid actor in television.

That would make sense because n C I S has been on for at least ten years?

Thirteen years?

Is that true?

A long time? Long time it's been on.

I wanted to find out that you were a crazy huge fan of n c I am.

Actually a fan of n C I S.

I am too. I watched a ton of them one year. I laid on the couch for an one straight year, back to back to back to back, four in a row, and then once time afternoon started.

Yeah.

The guy, the funny guy, yeah whatever, his name is real haircut, haircut, and the girl that's from the yep, the two of them. I we a breakfast when they were at Hugo's one day. They were wearing very fancy clothes, and then a couple of days later I saw them in those clothes on the cover of TV Guide magazine.

They were going for OHGUTSI stuff to eat before a shoot. I know or do you think it was after.

It could have been after, but I think they were. I think it was after because they had very light, light hearted energy about them. They weren't. They seemed to be relaxed.

I can tell you about this strip.

Mall okay, guys before we we should sit here and.

Talk to yet I love it.

This is this is this Coyoshu Ramen place next to this Hanabushi Japanese place is all one place. Toto's African Cuisine. By the way, Oh my god, you guys.

Got the Toto's African Cuisine.

I love that it's called Toto's.

I mean, that's an inside joke, isn't it inside?

What though? Issi Africa.

Has a song called Africa.

Oh, that's hilarious that it is. All I know is that the one time I went to the cuisine, I've never seen it open since.

But they had a dish that was Get this. It was a bowl full of chicken legs.

Just a bowl of legs, chicken legs sticking out of a broth.

Leg up, leg up. You guys know, yeah, did you eat that? Oh? Yeah, I'll eat a chicken.

But the did it still have the talons?

No?

No, that's what I imagined.

It was a drumsticks.

I don't know why I had.

I think it's almost racist that we assumed the towns were attached.

I think definitely.

I guess it is my racism.

Was it from an outdoor a wagon where you also buying edited DVDs?

Were there a lot of soldiers nearby?

Whenever you walk in to Toto's African Cuisine, a twelve year old hands you a bag of starbursts and you have to watch Rambo.

No, that's all I know is terrible. And then blood Diamonds, and then.

Apartheid again again again with the apartheid bullshit.

We're parked in front of an overpriced.

And we're around a bunch of dudes that, no doubt vape and have hoverboards, not the it's so misleading. I have to talk about these little glow in the dark seas that are called hoverboards.

Yeah, they aren't hoverboards.

No, that would be a skateboard from Back to the future that that would hoverboard.

It's a new sege thing and it comes with a vape pen.

Essentially, it's a segue without without the arms.

Yeah, without the but sorry, does it really come with a vape penny? That's your joke.

I just everyone that I see on them is also vaping. It's seen multiple times. They glow in the dark, vaping, glow in the dark.

Vape you have to have a vape pen that glows the same color as you're glowing the dark hoverboard.

What's the mist that you're that you're suck it up?

It's vapor.

But I think oftentimes it is closely related to anti freeze as far as i've oh.

You can only hope.

I remember my introduction to vaping was a front rowsome comedy club dude in slippers and then blew his pomegranate missed in my face. Uh, and it was pomegranate flavored, and I was like, not okay, not okay, I don't care.

And that man was Owen Wilson. Why why would you do it? Because of zuland er two?

Oh wow, wait a minute.

Okay, can you guys remind me to own Wilson attempt suicide?

Yes, when it was probably ten years ago?

Okay, okay, so he I was at a party once and what's that.

Turn it off?

Oh? Okay?

Yeah, And Owen Wilson showed up with Luke Wilson and they have a third brother. At this party, someone took their picture, and the third brother, that isn't in a lot of movies, punched the.

Guy in the face, WHOA, don't take pictures of my brother?

And the guy was like, it's my house, it's a party, and some famous people showed up, so I thought I'd take a pic sure of them. I wasn't like this kid didn't know that he had just attempted suicide. So I'm the first one to come at you with some negative Wilson news.

Yeah, but that's just that third brother. Imagine his life.

Well, I don't think Own and Luke were like, you shouldn't have done that, older brother.

They were like yeah, and then they all left.

Chris Holmesworth guy has a third brother.

Oh what's he look like?

He looks exactly like the other two dream birds.

He just must not be as unshakeably talented.

I think he's I think he's like seventeen.

Oh oh, he didn't know he's gonna grow four more inches and become the hottest guy who isn't his own brothers.

I always think about those in those like hot guy families, acting families. I always think about their mother's best friend's family. There's probably some dorky girl that had to go eat dinner at their house all the time. That was just like literally on fire with shame and embarrassment being even just sitting at the table.

Yeah, just horrified that and then and then secretly dreaming that one day one of them might one day notice her.

Yes, and that never happens.

It's like, we can't go to the hemswitz, I have a sit Let me please know, put your dress, put your jumper on. We're going to the hems with.

All the time. Is there any way that I can get a diuretic before we go?

We have to go to the lake with them again? Can you imagine or just the Owen brother the Wilson brothers.

I can't imagine River Phoenix and his brother Tree, or.

And what Quen and who used to be Leaf. I think that's probably what you're thinking.

I'm in show business, but I'm not the part that knows who.

Anyone is pretay behind the scene.

Of America.

MC wait a minute, I'm just trying to riff now.

It's I do it.

I want to apologize right now. I've been so quiet. I really I get when it's twilight, like, is it twilight. It's almost dark, it's night time. I get so nervous in the car.

Do you like it changes.

Just my podcast character?

I mean I was I'm sweating from just changing lanes and getting into this lot, and I'm just now starting to feel like myself.

Well, and also you have to you're doing too maybe even three things right now?

Yeah, well not now, but you were.

I am kind of multitasking, but only in my brain, which is even worse because there's nothing I can do to change anything.

Hey, there's a football game playing in the background. Did you see that.

Oh, look it's the Broncos.

Well, we're watching the Super Bowl. I love it to watching.

The Super Bowl fiftieth year right now, and I don't want to. Well, it's not a spoiler. This will come out to tomorrow. Denver is up to sixteen, Carolina trailing behind at seven. We are in the quarter, just five minutes of the third quarter. We have missed the halftime show. There has been a fun ball right now they are they're scrambling around it.

It looks like he's been stung by bees.

There's a guy was running, digging his face into the ground like he was a dog covered in bees.

But everything's okay. And I assume he wasn't covered in bees.

But yeah, this is it. This is the way to watch the game.

It is the way to watch through your car.

So when we're near this unmarked h coffee place, did you really want to go in and get some grounds? We can like pause you and it'll be a moment where I put an advertisement.

Yeah we are commercial here, that'll be kind of we'll do it right here.

Okay, I shall return and we're back.

I just want to cough into it before when you.

I think we got that's people like podcasts to be reeling, really and.

It's verites hey is what they call it. So Jackie bought some beans? What how did you make your choices in there? Is there anything exciting happened?

Here's the most exciting thing. I said, you guys have any Indonesian coffee? And the guy goes, well, we have Kenya.

Is that into no?

And he said that I don't. I don't think so, and I said, okay, that's right.

And then he comes back in like three seconds and he goes is Sumatra and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's in Indonesia and the other the other barista goes see the great thing about this job, yoular your geography.

It's nice. Did he really say that that's great?

Yeah he did.

He totally busted on his on his coworkers.

That's very positive.

That's the one thing I missed about being a barista as everyone was busting each other's balls.

And insurance plus that came along. I mean, it's such a miracle. But Starbucks actually provides benefits for their employees. Imagine.

I can't.

Actually I haven't had anything with any sort of benefits in a dozen years.

Yeah, so yeah, you're on around with that.

This guy has a tiny prop film care.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

That's just a prop.

Yeah, there's no nozzle on it, and.

There's no way that that's actually to be used.

No, no, And I you know he's coming our way next.

Yeah, but it's not going to happen, is it.

No.

I'm going to stare over at the CVS sign like I'm trying to read something small on it.

Oh, that guy's we just got a buck?

Sure he did, of course he did. Oh now he's looking in there. What else he gotten there?

Yeah? Yeah, can I can I have a buyer of that sandwich.

Thank God, it's great. We don't have to.

Watch ignore that you're in the road. For God's sake.

Those people I you always hear those stories of like how people that panhandle like that make like two thousand dollars a day, right right, I just keep that in mind. I like to tell myself that makes myself, makes me feel better. I don't.

It is weird, even though we do have a guy we could take a little drive by.

There's a guy who lives in front of my seven to eleven. I think about him every time someone spends eighty.

Dollars on their dog.

Yeah, yeah, it's there is People do to say that, and I tend to think, no, they don't.

But and the humiliation of begging might.

Be worth two those right, That's what I was gonna say. Yeah, it's like you are, you're earning that. And there was one time though that I saw the the Venice rollerblading guitar guy.

He's famous. I mean, he's.

Big, he had a very nice car. He was getting into a very nice Mercedes.

Yeah, that guy works a good eight twelve hour days and he's talented. I think eight and play the guitar.

Yes, I hope he's okay health wise. I haven't seen him for a while.

When I lived in San Francisco, we lived in the Upper Height and I would pass by kids like punk rock kids who were sitting on the sidewalk bagging and really obnoxious about it too. And one time and I was walking home from my second job of taking the bus from it and walked by a kid. Watched him big and then get up and get into an Audie and drive because they're just like Marine. Some of them are like Marine, punk rock kids that are like, fuck you, mom, I'm going to go into the city for the day.

Yeah.

The homeless my choice thing. I didn't know that was a thing. I saw that in a lot in Austin. Also I saw I think it.

Was invented in San Francisco, but I saw that in Minneapolis. My sister said we were living together, we both had the two of the shittiest jobs in the world.

And she came.

Home through her apartment with our third roommate and she said, Hey, a kid tried to panandle be uptown today in Minneapolis and.

He was wearing Doc Martin.

So I said, I'll give you five dollars for you day Mark anyway, you know what she's cost, she goes.

Yeah, that is why I would give you dime, nun.

Yeah, sell your nose ring if you're so broke.

Yeah, the tattoo. Tattoos are very expensive. I think there was a point where I wanted a bunch of tattoos.

Sometimes. No, they're very expensive.

Tattoos and permanent and yes, yeah, and so I never did get any. So I when a kid that's like got full sleeves, Listen, eight hundred dollars arms.

Clearly you're not using your money for education, right.

Right, unless there's you know, very sought after literature written on your arm?

Did you Okay? Do you guys have theoretical tattoos? I have recently come up with sort of the joke, but not a joke, like if I were a different person.

Entirely, I would gotten this tattoo. How about you?

I have mine?

Would you get one? Yeah? Is it a butterfly on your lower back?

It is a salmon on my lower back?

Is it really?

It's I was super drunk. It's this story is boring and I've told a thousand times, but basically I was with my tattoo friends who had lots of tattoos, and they're like, let's go get tattoos. And we were gonna get pog mahone written on our asses, which is Gaelic for kiss my ass. We thought that would be very funny. And when we got to the tattoo place, the tattoo artist was like, no, I would have to make that really big for it to be readable, and it'll look crazy,

The story thousands of dives, but I've.

Never heard You've never heard it neither. Yeah, So now that's what I have. And it just kind of looks like an old Varicos vein that's luckily in the shape of a fish. Horrible, terrible mistake, dumb only regrets from the moment it happened, just.

A really lucky, grease shaped oil burn.

Yeah, it just looks right, but you know what it is. It's the reminder that I should probably never start drinking again, because that's the kind of shit I do when I'm drunk.

I soberly got a band aid tattooed on over a mistake tattoo that I.

Got with someone.

Oh my god, I have a band aid on my ankle, and I always thought it might be kind of funny to have band aid's tattooed on my knees and elbows, so that that would be my joke thing if I ever got I would get band aids on my elbows and knees.

I think it's funny, though we know people who would do that, and it's that kind of thing where comedians are always like, but this would be the funny thing to get. It's like, yeah, but then there's the rest of your life, Like you then you have to go to a funeral with, you know, band aids on your elbows or.

It's dark enough everywhere. And I said the word hose, I'm a million years ago, that's right.

Can I get my coin purse out if my pocketbook is stuck behind this?

Do you have any SERTs in there.

I thought for a minute that if I would have been drunk and we got tattoos in nineteen ninety four, I think I actually would have gotten night Wolf from Mortal Combat tattooed.

On my leg.

That's amazing.

What does he look like? Okay?

And he has a green, glowing tomahawk. Oh, and he is not in it.

I would be an entirely different person, I think. I think if a tattoo could change somebody.

If I'd gotten on my calf a tattoo of Nighthawk from Ultimate Mortal Combat or Mortal comb at three, what.

Would be the difference, Shack, just give me some highlights of your day.

I think it would have become a Sandinista rebel.

Oh, I think it would have gone to I would, and I would.

I'd be fighting for justice.

You your thirst for justice. Justice would be unquenchable.

It's Nicaraga in Indonesia, is right next to ken Ye.

Well.

The funny thing is that everyone the manager at a bank has tattoos on his neck.

Now, so sure it really? I don't think manners anymore.

Talking about some dark hose, though needed some dark dark hose.

The tallest of turtlenecks could not help you.

My brother.

I've told this story one thousand times. My brother Scott got him and his buddy. You know, when you're little and your sister says, I turn around.

Now and go back up this.

Okay, Okay, my sister, when I was very little, she said, hey, let's cut each other's hairs.

And then she cut my hair. And then she said, no, I don't think it's a good idea my hair.

She's just real quick. That story is every older sister younger sister story. You just substitute the nouns. They do that to you over and over. You never learn.

Never.

It is a Lucy and Charlie Brown Roman constant, and it is no, I don't feel like it anymore classic.

Okay, sorry.

So my brother Scott did that with tattoos with a buddy of his when he was fourteen. And so Scott, older boy wanted across on one shoulder and he is hands and his buddy, fourteen year old buddy put a plus sign on.

His because he was agnostic, because he was a mathematician.

Yes, Scott since gotten that fixed.

It had turned into a very beautiful or mean cross, if such can be said yes on a fifty year old Yeah, but so beautiful, so beautiful, gorgeous and has never been able to be corrected.

Hang a left.

Okay, what has never been able to be corrected is the fact that his buddy tattooed and Scott must have asked for it.

Scott's name on his right. No, God, his own name Scott s C O T T. And there's no way to fix that. There's no way to wait.

Scott got Scott's name, or Scott made his friend get Scott Scott's name?

What right.

His own name? Zone?

I mean it would have been different if Scott was in love with his buddy when they were fourteen, but it was not.

So uh, this is Scott and so he hasn't been able to fix that one. But I did not get to do his buddy.

My friends. I have two friends at home in Montana.

They always beat on and of course it's like college football or something that doesn't matter, but they have One of them has a tattoo of him going behind the other guy like in ghost and he's throwing a pot yes, And the other has my little pony with that guy's face on his thigh like they have to.

Get if they lose the bet.

Oh yeah, they and it's expensive and they have to pay for it themselves.

And it's because of a football game.

Yes, these are men, men, grown men with children and teaching jobs.

I'm telling you though, and it's great. If I met a guy and he was like, can I show you this tattoo? And he opened it up and it was him and his friend in the ghost position, I would be like, I'm deeply in love with you. I need you. They need you in my life.

Would fall in love with Lance Hughes immediately's does he a blonde hair? No, he's a bit of a redhead.

Oh redhead though, and he's.

A big supporter of our podcast.

Oh hia. I basically just told Lance Hughes I loved him.

Yeah, well I want.

Father of seven.

Finally, it's her great kids. You're going to love them. You're going to love them.

I just got mom smoking outside. But who did I marry? Excuse me?

It's quite all right, thank.

You, Jackie. I like this area.

It's a roomy, it's well, it is roomy, and it's crying out for gentrification. So if anybody has millions of dollars and really wants to open up some sort of uh bubble coffee shop next to us bail bondsman bailed next to a bail Happy Dogs.

When I got my last do ui you guys? I went to Happy Dogs when I was when the when the when I was done being sentenced, Jackie.

When you say last, do you mean most recent or the final one? Hopefully how many of you had to?

I can't imagine you getting a d y, and that's me being judgmental.

Well, can imagine me getting one? And I never have gotten one drunk.

As I drove drunk every day of my life, Yeah, until I didn't until.

The second, until the last day you drove, until the last.

Day when I had had eight shots of US and eleven beers and Hollywood.

Oh wow, Oh Eddie.

Eddie the bartender tumbler glass full of yeah, which is essentially just.

What was it? It was clear toothpaste, it was yeah yeah.

And it's gold schlog Er esque.

It's a dangerous yes, it's yer Jagermeister esque god.

And I had learned from my first U.

I when this guy pulled me over on Laurel Canyon, off right off the Laurel Canyon, he.

Said ma'am, have you been drinking?

And I said a lot, But I'm okay, Oh that's the best.

It's you just we're gonna We're gonna kill him with honesty.

Well, the previous to you, I the guy had pulled me over and said, ma'am, if you've been drinking?

And I said I have drunk and he was like wow.

So it wasn't improvable.

Please step out of the field.

Yes, yes, good for you. Just blurting honestly, I mean.

Yeah, no filter.

I don't have a filter. Sober Can you imagine smokes?

Wait? Did you stop drinking entirely? Yes?

I stopped drinking entirely. I thought if I drink anything, this is probably gonna.

End in tears or driving, which seems a heavy machinery. Once I start drinking and then.

The officers of the log get involved and.

Close to ten grand, it's a great time to try my hand at a tractor.

Yeah.

Well, you know the DOUI does not affect like lawnmowers and firm.

Oh no, good, all you want.

That's it?

You can.

You can drive your putt putt to.

The to the local barn.

Yeah, yeah, good.

Once you got a couple of you guys gotten a couple.

Of I want to get those under your belt. I've not gotten and don't believe we'll ever get one. Now it's easier to avoid them because you have uber and things like that. Yeah, and I'm an active beverage over but I'm not gonna for a month. You taking a break, I'm gonna take a break and do a little cleanse.

Oh that's a good idea.

Do some naval gazing. Man, maybe it's super fun.

We really look inside.

Do you have to go down to San Diego? Where's the nearest bace comedy?

You can slap that Elvis Costello book if you really need to.

Jackie you mentioned because I saw some girl Scouts today and they they had they were they were really business savvy. They had rented one of those tents like pop up tents, and they had a.

Mom with them. But they were so organized, and so from something.

They said, would you like any cookies today? And I my girlfriend with me. She had just bought four boxes, and so I said she just bought some, and they interrupted me and they said, well, thank you for supporting the girl Scouts, And I was like, oh, man, okay, I guess I yes, I should have bought them. I don't want them. I don't want them. I don't want I don't want cookies. That's what they don't know.

About me is I'm not should have that right in the face.

I don't care if iout door Girl Scout.

The mom and dad were. They had a wagon full of Girl Scout cookies on Super Bowl Sunday.

We're going door to door, brilliant, the wagon decorated with balloon animals.

Oh that's cue.

And the brother, the little brother desperately wanting in on it, but not a Girl Scout.

So it was just kind of hopping around behind the door as he left here.

That's why I like the Girl Scouts. They probably would allow that little brother to be in because the Boy Scouts or the cub Scouts are very They're like they won't let remember they don't. I don't think they let gay kids in.

Do you guys want to meet Larry? Here's my seven eleven.

The yeah, so ding dong. I just finished recording a door for us. And about the sping. That's the doorbell, that's the doorbell, that's that's the space work, that's the audience.

Night.

It's hard audience.

And uh, and so I answered the door and it is an adorable like six or seven year old and right here, okay.

So the the the kid, I was like, well, I don't know, there's an adorable tiny child, but the girl's got uniform.

I don't know how to say no to that, right, And my guest sovereign sien.

Sovereign, Yeah, yeah she was.

She was like, oh, I don't know how you would turn it down, and the mom just grinned and the little boy danced. And I bought four boxes because she didn't change for twenty but you probably did.

Can I guess your flavors?

Yep?

Jackie Casion would absolutely do thin mint it away. She's putting them in the blender and then how it used to be. And then I bet you would go for a samoa? Is that what they're called the caramel chocolate?

Yeah?

Yeahmosa what I called.

Itmosas or samoa?

Yeah?

And Hawaiian are.

They yeah, not to be confused with the exactly they're larger, they're huge and uh. According to a lot of racism, quick to anger, cookies.

Long hair, my racism.

Really not yours.

I never just super racism.

Do you did you do a dozy dough.

I didn't so just those two those two.

Oh two boxes of boxes. I'm sorry? Did I get both? Is exactly right. That's my new thing. I will tell you what what cookie you like from the Girls Scouts.

I'll do it. You know, what have you thought about a little side job?

We're uh next to the Girl Scouts outside of the grocery store, and let me tell you what you're gonna get?

Yeah, plug in a crystal ball.

Oh this just.

Starts screaming lemon cream at people as they walk up, and like.

The Crucible, you can just point and yell the kind of the kind of cookie.

Jackie. We just basically this is due. You need to run an errand that's what just happens.

It's not as catchy, but I know you have a show and I do.

Here's all right. Here's the weird thing is I need a ride to the airport.

But I wouldn't ask anyone to drive me to the airport for a ten am flight to lax from air because then you would have to get me there around eight eight thirty, right, and then come back up the four or five.

Don't do that.

We've been yeah, we've been doing fewer, lax. Right, So it's part of our original I call it mission statement. But I wish I could say something else.

Well, Andy told me that he would drive me, because aie always drives me. I mean, we've been together too long for him still to be picking me up at the airport, don't.

You think, No, no, no, he's he's legally bound.

To do.

Because we're a better way well Burbank. But lax, that's a test of your love.

It's a total test of my love.

How you know?

You know what.

I every single time I say I could take the fly away. You guys, you guys know about the flyway, and they.

Drop you off so nice, But then you have to wait for them to pick up every other person in Los Angeles County.

Yeah, you don't.

You have to go to the Flyway, and they like to change the way you pay for it. Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a credit card. Sometimes they only dig debit cards. Sometimes you have to bring a chicken.

It's really bad with the feet sticking out.

Right, And it used to be like two bucks, which of course is absurd, right from van to the to the airport. Yeah, and now it's eight, which is still pretty decent.

How do they make money off of that?

I think it's subsidized by the US government sometimes. Oh I see, I think Bernie Sanders.

Yeah, I've walked.

You can walk a mile from my house and get on the SETI bus and it's one dollar and they take you to l A X.

But there's too many things that might go wrong, yeah.

Risk, too many knives, yes, yes.

Too many, plus the walking with you with all my luggage and my shirt, you know, my koozies, my coasters.

The limited edition posters.

Yes, I have the much merge by the way I have as a stand up comic. I don't know anyone who has more items than I do and sells less stuff.

But I like to bring a lot of different choices.

It's about choice these days. It's about choices. You're smart.

And somebody likes to always come up and say, do you have them? Like a women's cut?

Do I have I American Apparel?

Pull out some scissors and cut the.

Shirt in front of here you go. There you go, throw it in the air and toss the switchblade at it.

What's your show tonight?

I'm doing. It's after the super Bowl.

Super Bowl. It's called the nerd bowl. I don't know what it means. All I know is that Flappers asked me if I knew any nerds, and I was like, yeah, yeah, sure do And I said Dan Telfer, Yeah, so he's gonna ken team of nerds. And then I don't know who else is on the show, but I told him a bunch of comics that are that are complete dorks.

And and what are you doing like a quiz bowl thing like trivia or I don't.

Know, I'm planning on doing my act. What the heck?

Of course that's what you should do.

Yes, Sometimes there's those homework shows though that you had to come and do a whole different act.

I did Largo.

The other it was Bringing the Rock, and I uh catered my whole set to this Van Halen moment that I had and uh but then everyone else kind of did their material and ended with a thing yeah right, And I was like, man, I really wish i'd done that, Yeah, especially Margo.

I've only don't Bring the Rock once.

As a person who knows my aim is true from Elvis Costello, you can.

Imagine how it went.

It didn't go well because I did try to talk about music and I don't know enough about it. I have you know it's playing in K Rock k Jackie right now is a song that Aaron Bursings in the musical Hamilton.

Jackie the Best. It's the Aaron Burslo.

He's got a lot of Hey, thanks for the ride. I don't want to get my coffee.

Yeah, please, don't thank you so much for being our super Bowl guest.

We're doing great great, Yeah, yeah, we did we did well.

We did it, we got it done.

Thanks guys.

And do you want to plug anything?

Yeah?

I do stand up comedy and I have a podcast called The Dork Forest. Plus I have the new podcast with Lori kill Martin, where little did I know people have always wanted to hear me a bitch.

About stand up comedy in come. That's right, So Lori Martin unnerdiced.

What's it called on Laurie and Jackie The Jackie Lorrie Show?

I did you name? It's with the Jackie Lord Show. And I was called the Laurie and Jackie Show.

Because you're both not selfish.

That's right.

We give and we give and we talk about how women comics give too much.

That's yeah.

Anyway, he's nervous about the game.

We're down to the wire.

All right, I'm gonna drive the flappers you guys, I'm gonna go get my my car ont A Hawk.

But thanks for driving course, of course, thank you.

Jackie Podcast. Jaggie, you've been listening to Do you Need a Ride?

D Y N A R? Are leaving?

You want way back?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much.

Baggage you clive us time and day turning on Gaye. We want to send you up inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every scared he was?

It fine.

Now porn. Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need

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