Ep. 74 - DAVE ROSS

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turman al and gay. We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride with Karen and crist welcome? Do you need a ride? This is Christopher.

Fairbanks, and this is Karen Lynn Kilgarriff.

This is Christopher James Fairbanks.

The first, This is Karen Lynn Kilgarriff.

The last, this is Christopher Gumas of Fairbank and the Squire. That's every Yeah, that's every version of my name that I've used in my life. A lot of people don't remember the years that I as Christopher jem On fairbanky.

And Esquire that's when you were what were you a lawyer? What is Esquire a lawyer?

No?

I was in fifth grade, so it didn't make much sense at the time.

Sounds fair, but your hair was all slicked over.

People say yes, why And I don't think it means anything.

No, it's it does mean something, but it might be what lawyers say. It's for a specific job.

Oh, that's fun.

It's a title for a job like kind of doctor style. I can't remember what it's for though, Wow, lawyer. Well, we're just gonna keep guessing lawyer over and over.

I would guess so too, because squire, I mean, you think of powdered witch. You think of people people acting very calm even though they're on coke. They write a sonnet and then someone gets beheaded.

There's you know, there are those people that coke actually makes them calmer.

You know, coke, we're getting a we're getting a raw mix these days, or I am, you know each weekend when I go to my guy, I think that it used to be like all these guys like Mozart used to do it. Sure, it was just everyone had a little sniffer. Yep, everyone had a long fingernail. It was just it meant you were an artist.

Right.

It was like a pick me. It was like a cup of coffee.

Back in the day, Right, easier, quicker, dryer, more pure, more Columbia.

Yes, but now yes, nowadays, you don't know what you're getting baby diureticstics, bleach, baby diarrhea. Why is my diarrhea bright orange and smell like apples?

Oh that's not yours, it's a baby's.

Oh no, Yeah, I've had way too much of this shit.

Why am I in a nursery.

That's when you know you've done too much.

Also, when you can taste it days later. Oh terrible.

Well, now I know you've done it.

I've done it so much. Chris Fairbanks. One time, me and my friends all did it all day long and then went to a birthday party and did a choreographed dance at the birthday party that you had previously choreographed. Yep, we choreographed it all day long while we did cocaine. And then we went to a party wearing matching outfits and did a dance. I can't remember what the song was. It was probably like Pleasure Principle by Janna Jackson or

Yeah. I always say stuff, but just blurred it really And then I remember that my sister and dad listened to every epod.

Oh no, now they know that I did that. It's not it was a short phase. My sister got very mad at me.

You can do no wrong with my family. You're invited for Christmas me?

Yeah, oh because of this podcast?

Yeah yeah, I mean they're well, yeah, I'm not. I'm not insulting your early work.

But it sure didn't get me invited to the Fairbanks Christmas Party.

No, not at all, at all.

Not even did they ever see that bit I used to do about Cosmopolitan magazine. I really took it to task.

I've tried to talk them into watch it. What is it? Okay? Now I haven't. I don't know about your Cosmo work.

You don't know? Is that pre the night we met on Sarah Silman's roof? Remember that was that when we met.

Every time I go, I think that we've met met before that one night. I was visiting in ninety nine or something and I met you in CJ Arabia the laundry. Yes, I've met you a few times, but in my mind we met at your house when we watched Mac and Me on your oh yes, summertime party. Got to know each other. Yeah, you know, I tell people that I've met many times, good to meet you, over and over, and then you'll know that we're friends. Once I finally say it's good to see you again. That's when that's

For a fact that a person who says we've met before, if they say that after we are introduced and I say, nice to meet you, it's like the A they caught me in a trick. They caught me. But then b I'm like, well I probably didn't like you before, and that's why I don't remember you, because who the fuck says that to a person when you get introduced.

Let's start saying that, well you should have left a better first impression and then walk away.

I wiped you from my memory.

Put right, then, fuck you.

This is gonna be expensive.

Oh we've met?

Oh?

Really mean, realmedy.

Girl that pretends to be a feminist, that's mean to other girls.

Really bangs, Yes, just picture. I don't know who you're specifically doing the sharpest, just hard bangs.

We're gonna go pick up Dave Ross, right, that's right.

He's from Women, the Women comedy group, which is a good one.

Mm hmm. It's misleading to a lot of people, but on purpose. I think it's all dudes and they're called women and they're hilarious. Need he or we or she or us to say more?

But if you want, you could go look at their videos on.

The YouTube because it's on IFC. Right.

Oh, they got a series on IFC.

I do believe. I do believe they are great. I love those sketches.

Two and I love all the guys in that group. Each individual. There is a Jake Wiseman. There's an Alan Strickland Williams. There is a Pat Bishop. That's his great last name. He's I like that guy. He's quiet, he's quiet. You can tell he's a thinker. He's the brain.

Right.

Who am I missing? There's at least one thing missing? Oh, Dave himself podcasting, let's do lists that are already complete.

It's called infotainment.

Here's another bunch of people I know, No, not really.

Alan. When I first met him, I thought that he was being snobby or something, because I'd shake his hand and he'd give me kind of a limp. Oh wow, unity of tents.

Yeah, it's terrifying.

You can't hear it, but we can see it, So I'll describe everything you can hear. I always because he'd shake my hand and like give me kind of a limp hand, and I was like, well, that's a weird. For some reason, it seemed like, oh hello. And then one night he was wearing a risk guard and I was like, oh, you have a risk guard on. I shook his hand again, except this time I gave it to him light because I saw the risk guard. And then it turns out we both have this rheumatoid arthritis thing.

He has the same thing you have. Yeah, yeah, oh that must be nice.

And well I think mine's getting better and his is getting better. And that's someone. I mean, most most doctors that say you have it say they treat it like it's a lifetime curse. But both of us are coming around the bend.

Now do you think did you share any tricks or tips or salves or ointments?

Diet diet stuff we taught, we try. It's about drinking copious amounts of diet dr pepper. And I said, when he first told me I had it, I'm like, have you done the do and he said, yeah, I've tried, now you do. I've tried everything everything, And what about these anti inflammatories and.

What about diet Doctor skipper, which is the generic diet Doctor pepper that they sell it luckies?

What if?

What if you don't have access as access to those that you want to pop?

Do you?

What do you have?

You know?

You get a shasta.

This is my favorite kind of comedy. Can't pretend casual soda jingles, conversational soda jingles.

I want to thrill, I want to taste it.

I want it now. Uh it's I'm afraid that if we keep doing stuff like this so our podcast will be known for We already had one big long commercial jingle riff off one time. What if people think we're trying to do that.

Yeah, like in a desperate effort to get sponsored yes or attention the best thing ever? I want attention from sponsors. If we could get shastin. I don't know if they're in business anymore. I know they used to have their own vending machines at different I think I can't. It wasn't kmart, it was another Who cares, it doesn't matter. I'm confusing it for Safeway select. The point is a defunct soda surge. Your surges, your your New York Seltzers.

They still like that.

I know, I saw a truck the other day and I didn't mean to start sounding like Nick Nolty, but I but you did. We got to solve a crime. Eddie Murphy, I wish that every every forty eight hours he forgot his character name and just called him Eddie Murphy.

But only every forty eight hours.

Yeah, yeah, just during shoot days.

That's the real plot of forty eight hours.

He goes method if that's the title of the movie. That's how people have is a memory lap.

That's our guy. Sorry, I'm I just got a little bit lost.

It's okay, But.

I think we're gonna be okay. In fact, I know we are.

We did the you did the improv, you did a show prepping for Conan. When you're shooting.

Yes tomorrow we shoot Cone.

Well that's exciting.

At four thirty, you're.

Doing my favorite song on there, Oh thank you. Maybe you're tired of doing it. Maybe it's your your you know, tub thumping, or you're.

Or Hotel California.

Maybe it's your Hotel California. All of the Eagles songs are about driving drunk on the one oh one. They're all all the subtext, every single one of them is about your dad driving drunk off a windy coastal road.

It's so it's the perfect soundtrack to driving with a drunk parent, because it's like it's eerie, but it's also homey. You know, it's familiar, but there is death around every corner, just like Christmas.

Yep, yep, that's the story of Jesus. And oh, I didn't know. This is a nice area.

Isn't this gorgeous?

This is where this is one of those areas where the palm trees have aged to the point where it's getting dangerous.

Yes, those big fronds will fall down on you.

They will fall down. There are these trees right here, are one hundred feet tall. Yeah, they're thin, they they are Look at that one. It's not even windy, and that one looks like a drunk sailor on leave.

It's just it's just waving in the breeze. As these trees are wont to do.

Yeah they I mean they could put these trees in front of a used car dealership to attract attention.

They're so wobbly and warns.

Yeah, these trees are so mature they look like wind socks and they could just fall over.

They couldn't and often do. And they don't belong here. They're not native.

No, apparently they only last like as long as they've been here and they're all they're all dying. Oh yeah, they and it's it's very Someone told me it costs four thousand dollars a block to but that's the dumb statistic because they were I don't know. I talked to a guy that does.

That's how expensive palm trees are.

Yeah, it's very expensive to maintain them because they don't belong here.

Yeah, it makes sense. I knew. I just was talking to somebody and now I can't remember who it is. It was someone that was at a table where everyone was having drinks the other night, and they said that when they moved to California, their main fear was that a coconut was going to fall on their head from a palm tree.

Oh no, that's someone that just grew up watching Gilligan's Island. And then of course you get amnesia, the hardest thing in the world to get.

And you don't realize that you're a sailor on an island. Look at all those people getting donuts at eleven thirty at.

Night at California Donuts.

It's it's as if it's busy over there at eleven A.

Lot of if you've visited Los Angeles, you'll find that there's unexplainable lines in Pink's Tacos or Pink's Hot Dog. That Pink's Place, it's the place that I never it's down the block always. Yeah, people getting in line to eat pig assholes and eyelids, And I don't get it.

It's well, I think it's just because the stand itself is old, and that other people are there because it's not remarkable food wise. And I think a lot of drunk people go there after bars. Okay, that's when most most of my friends used to go get chili dogs when they were insanely.

Hammerd I would say. But midday they always are doing well. It's just like a I guess it's kind of like going to Hollywood Boulevard or something. If you're visiting, you feel like you should do that, and if you're more in the no, you go to Pinksta. This guy's gonna do it. Yeah, first in flight. Yeah, first in fuck you.

It's a line. It's a drive through line for donuts. Ten.

North Carolina is an interesting state because it has some of my faiavorite towns and some of my least favorite towns.

What's one of your favorite North Carolina towns?

Wilmington. Oh yeah, I'm performing there for New Year's Eve.

Oh that's exciting.

Yeah, it'll be great. It's like one of these towns that's just a non union film industry town, and I'm against that everyone. Yeah, well, I mean there, it's not an issue. It's not it's not you know, you're not You're not a scab.

Oh right right, And people can just get stuff made in a decent Cape.

Fear Mattlock, Blue Velvet, Blaggards, Blaggers, Blaggers one, two and three, Blaggerts of the Return. They they've shot all those shows there.

I love the Blaggers. Come out, come out, wherever you are, Blaggards.

It's such a popular town that the de Niro didn't even have to nail down an accent for Cape Fear.

In Wilmington, North Carolina.

Catch the wave coke if there's ever a lull, you know, but then if you go to like Charlotte or something. It's just like, it just seems like a bunch of I don't know, everyone's wearing jeans, andlike.

Anywhere else, everyone wearing this is the use everywhere you look.

In In in Charlotte, I noticed that everyone or maybe it was Raleigh Durham, I don't know wherever Duke is. Everyone more Rainbow brand flip flops, denim pants and a polo with a popped collar. And this was just a handful of years ago. And I said, oh, is this the collared area of town? No one really know. When responded to that, it's a lot of pop collars. It's fun. It's sound racist.

Oh well, what do you know.

It's a Lexus.

It's a it's always a car, white Lexus with note with dealer plates, passing me on the right.

Just on the heels of me, something saying something questionably racist. Some aryan Lexus tells us exactly what the problem is.

The whitest of white Lexuses.

Pops up with this popped collar.

To they don't forget about middle aged white men.

Yeah, I'm about to stub my flip flop on the pop top. Get out, moving, moving along, paradid.

He is a cheeseburger in paradise. That is clearly that's plural, cheeseburger paradise.

Yeah, well, there's several people in his car pardi.

I don't think he ever says ice. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? No, No, I haven't have you sounds like you're lying. I have not either.

Oh no, why what what about me other than me being sixty eight and experimental still with marijuana just for a bad time, makes.

You think that I would ever have gone through Jimmy Buffett concert.

We used to listen to the dirty side of his record after school when my friend's mom wasn't already.

No more than he had dirty sides to his records.

Yeah, he has song. He has a song called Let's Get Drunk and Screw, which we couldn't pol I've heard that, Yeah, and it's pretty much exactly how you think it goes. There's not a lot more romance to it. Wow, he's just basically propositioning somebody. I think it's funny that he's doing it before they get drunk, so it's like instead of midway being drunk, he's like as if they're both sober, saying, Okay, let's go do this and then and then do the second thing.

Let's make a conscious noontime decision until.

Later on tonight. You're gonna drink seven glasses of wine.

You know. I think that's a bad sign. It means you need to investigate whether or not you guys are really attracted to each other. If you have to get drunk, if that's part of the plan, Yeah, you should start looking into.

It's not good.

Yeah.

Everybody keeps passing me, and I don't think it's I don't think I'm driving too slowly.

No, No, it's they're all in a rush and they are doing a live broadcast.

Yeah, true, Yeah, I mean it is eleven thirty on a Sunday night.

Are we is our guest. We're gonna have to wake him up. He's going to be asleep.

I just texted him and said we're almost there. Oh, so he knows he'll be fine. I mean, he said he wanted to do it. This is but this is like a this is our like sexy after hour show.

Oh yeah, Taxi cab Confession.

Hello, how are you? I'm in California? Are you all right? Lonely lonely, lonely, lone lonely nice.

I'm no Davis Davis inside of whiskey.

Oh did you what kind?

Oh with ginger ale?

What brand of whiskey?

Oh?

Well, have you ever done that joke before?

No?

Oh, well I think we're here.

Oh wow? Oh popye either can I should be pulling to that. No one's going to be blasting out of this right, it's a driveway. I guess I'll turn on that.

Yeah, may, oh we're slightly if this over one street?

If this annoys anyone know that? What's that musical timing device?

A metronome?

Yeah? Someone accused us of having a metronome on one episod. I'm not.

Oh you know what it was because I left my blinker. I heard that episode. I left my blinker on way too long one time.

I should listen to them. I listened to them as I'm you know, uploading them and making sure it doesn't sound r. I don't want to even give it the credit of saying editing.

Well you do, though, I mean, every.

Once in a while someone drops the N bomb.

But it's happened several times.

I remember hearing that for a minute, and I'm like I don't have time. It's one am. Let's get this.

Shit, Let's get it going, Let's.

Get it sound clouded.

Okay, I'm gonna pull up right here because this is where he is. I listened to it much in the way that that a kind of a dark age's monk would wear a hair shirt and abuse themselves. I listened to it to, uh, listen to how much I annoy myself well and then try to mix fixes.

I'm gonna disagree with that, But I'm also going to ask you a question about monks, because I only know that Gregorians who wears a hairshirt.

I think, I mean Gregorians might have been It's like those people. Have you ever seen the Sean Connery movie The Name of the Rose.

Yes, he's licking his lips and touching the books and people are dying strict nine arsenic. There's all kinds of doughnut boilers, boiler alert.

I seri it.

I'm not even fucking kidding that movie scared. I was scared to go to libraries because I already feel scared in libraries. You do, But what if you licked an old book your fingers? Oh, let's turn the pit And that's how Oh that's how you go. I don't want to go that way.

Who does just people in that movie?

But it wasn't it was realistic enough.

That's the picture of the Dave just sent us an emoji. What are these things called?

Those are? Yeah, there's a specific name for them, and they you can you can tailored to look like your face.

So it's a picture of Dave. A cartoon of Dave on a skateboard that says, stokes any fun, any rode tight with a ship ton of eyes in it.

I have one that is my face and there's just a robot arm giving a thumb up. I love it.

I love those, you know, it's hilarious. My sister's super into them, and she's she's so not that personality and she has them. She sent me one. It looked like she was in a little cat bed, just your head sticking out all. She was all like tucked into a weird animal bed. It's the weirdest thing when people whose personalities aren't really like that like send you things like this, it makes it ten times funnier.

I've never I'd heard about it, but I've never watched it. The guy Germane from Flight of the Concords is in some New Zealand made mockumentary made by its funded by the documentary people. You know, other countries have art funds allocated to make things, which Canada is like that. It's

Sorry to be texting and not listening.

It's okay. I was just about to talk about the dog from Invasion on the Body Snatchers. Anytime there's an animal with a human face that's meant to look frightening, I enjoy them on a comedic level, while at the same time being scared.

I hate that. Wait, an animal the human face or human with an animal face.

Either way, there you know they're anthropomorphized. They are animals with animal with anything Like I used to draw a lot of animals, you know, playing racketball. There's a question then should they have paws like a bear? No, they should have hands they're holding a racket, but then their feet are bear paws. You have to it's a thin line, and you know, and then sometimes one time I did a horse jogging, but it was a horse with running shoes and his hands were hoofs. But you know, I'm

Yeah, against your own will? Is he?

Is he coming?

No? No, no, we have to go. We're on the south right now, and we have to go north. What's that?

I don't know.

Oh, where's my emergency break and on my emergency lights?

So if we are, we were ready for two emergencies.

Were It's kind of funny when you drive with the emergency break on and realize how much your emergency break can't help you, right, I mean, it's it's a bummer.

What is it really gonna do?

I mean, it's certainly not going to stop me from going about thirty miles an hour.

No, and when the person inevitably rear ends you, they're just going to think, oh wow, they're taking a right and left at the same time. Smash.

Oh I better just.

Ooh the Royal Wilshire are Is this Koreatown? I don't know, but I like it.

We're near a bunch of old, cool looking buildings that you don't really see.

No, that's beautiful architecture, and I bet it smells like mothballs.

Yeah, it's real old Brison Building and the Royal Wills.

When I first moved into the briceon my first night, I had nothing but World War two dreams. So where is he? I just am always worried that a guest is going to get in there, like where the hell have you been?

No, I mean at this point it's gotten comical. If he comes down in his robe, I think that would be fine.

We don't even if I mean just for your sake, for his sake, we could idol in the car.

Are these fools doing?

I don't know. That looks like a drive by a bruin.

There's something happening there. Yeah? Oh what this is the street? I want to be on anyway, It's perfect, perfect, perfect them.

We have won.

There's so many donut places that are happening around here. I'm sorry, I'm slightly obsessed with that. There's another one.

Yeah, it's oh yeah, pascott a mahabal Oh, Maggie's Donuts.

Oh yeah, Maggie's fish Donuts.

I was that was me pretending I knew Spanish and I thought, oh, look at all these donuts. Yeah, Pascotta mahabe. Time I spent and like, did it kaka just down at the bottom. Yeah, it was snorkeling. It was snorkling. Seminar oh so long. Yeah, and I don't know why they call a seminar it talking underwater. No, no, it's just a guy at a podium a little bit.

Everyone's bored and rolling their eyes, but you can't tell because it's behind the mask. I also have to get gass unfortunately. Okay, you know what, Let's drive aroundtil we run out of gas and then and then see what happens. It will be a fun part of it.

It'll be a great way to celebrate our two year anniversary. I'm not sure about it. I actually did not check that out at all.

But but it's got to be coming up, right, Yeah, at some point, I mean eventually, eventually we'll have done this for two years. It feels like it.

Oh no, I know we should have done so.

That was our laysent of sorry, I'm so bad at this.

I don't even remember birthdays.

You know. It's something that it just takes effort, it takes focus. And I don't like birthdays personally, you do. I mean, mine's fine. I don't like other people's birthdays for.

Sure, like yours. There's all this pressure to do a song that isn't real, to free by the way, you're breaking the law by singing it. Not anymore what Warner brothers gave it up.

They it was those sisters that owned it, and they no longer own it. It's the hundred years has passed and although public domain.

Oh just imagine those sisters, those old crones. I can't believe he didn't dust the mantle again. We're so rich because of the birthday song. Just burning money off of people that accidentally, you know, some Brady Bunch episode or someone that makes a mistake and sings it and not you us money or we aren't Susan and Judiph Milhauser Milhouser.

All of their furniture is made of cake, and they can afford to get it remade every day or week.

It's just such a It's a song that no one wants to hear, and no one ever wants to sing it. Everyone begrudgingly singing, said, I think.

Aaron Foley has a joke about that. How it's such a dirge for what it is.

Oh god, it's like not Yeah, it's the easiest song to sing sarcastically.

Yeah, it's written.

It's written to sound like eyes your birthday to you.

What a miracle are you again? Oh?

You're getting older? You mean because the earth is spinning you skin sack?

Oh shit, Oh my god, what the fuck are you kidding me? Oh my god? You guys driving, We were driving. We're on a straight shot up rampart to get Dave. I was on south ramp part. It was supposed to be normal.

Oh I see it now.

Driving driving, driving, Then we hit the freeway. Damn, that was shocking.

This is dangerous.

We're over jump on that log that's floating by, just like bow finger. All right, let's even go back. Okay, we got this because this is no lot, right, I think? And then this here it should be this.

I think it looks like that. Will now take a left, perfect perfect.

Oh. Dave also has his own podcast. Dave has a podcast called Terrified.

Oh yeah, I've never done that.

You should do it? Uh, you talk about things you fear. It's really good.

Oh man, I would need five hours.

I know. I named like nine things when I did that.

I'm just most of mine will be about things my colon is doing.

Well that could get you know, that could be under one.

Umbrella, the medical umbrella, which reminds me I need to make sure my insurance is still good. I can't remember which insurance company is an umbrella.

Met Life, Yes, yes, the Snoopy one.

The Travelers, Travelers.

Insurance, Travelers Insurance.

What we do a lot? We do a lot of soda jingles and I do a fun excerpt from the show called Describing Logos, which which people? That's what keeps you coming back?

What about the invisible arrow?

We're halfway through the podcast.

Guess yet, we're here. We're here, We're here, We're here, We're here. This is now, we're here. Die.

Oh there he is there, he is Oh, thank god, you're here.

That was.

He's getting in the back.

I'm not sure if there's anything back there.

There's a microphone.

Microphone for you.

It's it's a museum.

It's h Please don't go through my purse.

Who you guys got a whole set up in Yeah.

Yeah, his voice sounds better than mine up in here.

Have you ever done have you ever done car radio?

Uh?

No, I've never been a car radio before. It feels good. Right, I've been in people's radios.

I did.

That's a segue. I've been in there radio on a radio. Yeah, I did terrestrial radio in Resno, California.

Are you one of those people? And there's a lot of like tribes in certain northern part of Africa where they think that a camera is stealing yoursel? Do you really think you're trapped in the radio when you're.

On that's why you had to quit?

Yeah, what a terrifying that's a horrible I'm really bad with that stuff. When I'm watching a TV show, I think that those people are in my house, and yeah, I try to talk to them and it scares me.

Yeah, so you're you're five years old.

I don't have object to permanence yet.

I think that's nice. Oh I see where we are.

I'm so yeah, we're I live right by Sunset.

I did this so wrong.

I can't even We're near like a silver Son pick up some liquor.

Yeah yeah, that's.

Where they got the name Yea from that, I believe.

So.

I believe Silver Sun Liquor was where the silver Soon pickups would pick up liquor.

Yeah yeah, Oh that's so interesting.

Act with that fucking awful seek guy. I was so mean. He's so mean.

Have you talked to that guy? No, I've never been there.

Yeah, he doesn't want you in.

There, and you know, in fairness, he must have been messed with at some point. It's like absolutely, But yeah, because there's there' there's like a couple of signs there is I am. I am not Muslim, my turban doesn't mean I'm a terrorist.

Oh my god. Now I do know that. I've been in there. Yeah.

But he also will just tell you to yourself.

Oh wow, Yeah, well that's great if you're being an asshole.

Yeah.

Well no, he's a prick. Oh okay, he's definitely a prick. Life sometimes won't.

Give you a change.

Yeah, he's crabby.

Oh wow, I've seen him chase people out of the store with baseball bat.

Do you really uh huh?

One time I saw that?

Sorry once, Oh my god, multiple people.

When people express themselves freely like that, and that's how I mean, I wish you'll be that way. I mean, yeah, he just knows how to express himself. Does he go home then? Yeah, he's just a guy, he's an artist.

It's like, yeah, that open mic.

Does he go Does he go home happy? Then? Like, if I get it, I doubt he had. Okay, So he's just upset all the time.

You know, I think if you haven't met him, you're maybe you're thinking I'm sounding racist, like you you need to go there.

He's a he's an asshole.

But the family that works there's nice, right, Like, there's other family members that are really cool. They almost like make up for him totally for sure.

Oh, it's a little good mom bad dad situation.

Right with classic my parents, bad dad, bad dad.

Oh it's so useful at a parent teacher conference though, really, Oh yeah, what do you mean? Well, you know, mom, No, both of them were on my side, but they knew they had to pretend that I was going to be disciplined because I guess I was in trouble, and they would alternate on who's going to pretend that, oh, he's going to get it when he gets home. But I

Yeah, yeah, maybe I should have been.

Scotto whooping once you do. I didn't do anything, But I went to a public school in it was.

When I lived in Illinois, and so I yeah, I was in.

Second grade, second or third grade, and the other kid named David in my class was throwing rocks at people near the swings and the girl some girls tattled on him, which I think is fair. Yeah, and uh, and then they like but they just said David was throwing rocks. And then the stude like the teachers came and got me and they took me to the principal's office and I was in big troup when they called my parents.

Y Oh, I forgot you went to grade school in the in the third Yeah.

I'm very old.

That's that's amazing to me. And what what teacher just assumes my first it's not like your name is Madonna.

Like they did. Well, it couldn't have been the other one.

I'm not even.

Gonna yeah that last day who just moved here and is very small.

Definitely he's he's a rock thrower. I got really mad at a kid once for throwing rocks at a squirrel, and I I've gotten tried. Was during an after school program sponsored by Salvation Army. We went to a part. They just left us at a park. Yeah, I remember, and I think they were there was these women that ran it and they were looking at Playgirl magazine. No, yeah, jokingly. Anyway, the point is this kid was throwing rocks at a squirrel, and I punched him a couple of times in the face.

Did this happen when he was like ten and you were now.

Out of it. We were both probably around eleven. Yeah, okay, we're both appropriate age.

Can I tell you this is this is an interesting show to do because we.

Just got you out of bed.

Yeah.

Yeah, and no one is looking at me right You were staring at the back when we first started this.

I was, I was, isn't it freeing?

Though?

You can do whatever you want.

I'm jerking off right now. Pull out your.

Day aiming at me. You know how I like it? Stop it now? People are gonna read it. Which one? Which one was in a good mood at the time. It's it is where it used to. I was self conscious about it because you're staring at the back of our heads right now, and it's a weird way to be, uh in a conversation, but.

It is what it's like to be in a car, so exactly.

We're not gonna We're not gonna sugarcoat it for anybody. It has to be the real experience.

Kinny mics are cool. They're like, yeah, what are your old talk show?

Yeah, man, Mike Douglas, Yeah, do you want to you want to tell me to spin a week?

Mike Douglas the name of the mic.

I do call my my bike bike called Jordan's. Really, I just throw that in there.

That's great.

Yeah, sometimes Mike, he's really good at basketball.

Guys.

Oh, I did I've heard I have some of his insults. Never bought the shoes. I just have.

Some Jordan's insults. Yeah, yeah, I put him and you can feel as comfortable as Jordan's.

Yeah yeah, while while wearing a pair of Vans.

Dude, I dribble. I'm bad at it, but I'm comfortable. I dribble comfortably.

Do you guys like that? Christmas lights on the house? And also second question, do you enjoy Christmas?

I love Christmas?

To Christmas?

Have you guys been enjoying the music?

I haven't thought about it, Like, wait, which station is playing?

It's usually all but one station always is really good about the waves.

They play like Perry Como and all that stuff.

That's it.

Okay, Yes, this is my favorite.

As long as we keep flipping, we all get and then we have to flip it so we don't get. Oh, I have to tell you a story, Brendan Moss. They had to go back and re edit all.

Because of the music. Yeah, we're doing.

We just skipped through three lawsuits I think that Christmas music it's different though, I think most of.

It is public domain. Okay, well if you can get to that station.

What's the stations, right, I'll bet you that. But that's the rock station.

That's a classic rock station.

But that's what we just do you know, they just put classicer in the dictionary.

Classic more class. Finally things can be more classic than.

They were before.

This is pretty class.

Oh my god, this is super class.

That's so classic.

My favorite are the like the rock like rock stations.

Yeah, they'll play like the like the racist Christmas songs, like all the songs that that are for like dumbasses in their car.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, no racist Christmas song.

Well there's that song.

That's like it's a parody song of police and it's like.

It's the police.

Oh yeah, the police got my car?

Oh like by Ray Simmons. Is that I think it's race?

No, Ray Stevens, Yeah, that's your thing.

Do you fear the gay queers?

No?

No, just thought of it came came from where I very progressive modern of comedians, I think. But while I pushed my own agenda, what if you were what do you think oh what I wonder, and not because we're gonna keep talking about Christmas music. Stop talking about That's why I'm doing my Perry Como conversational voice.

Hearen, do you have a mic like a headset?

I have a I have a love just on my lapel. It's not like a McDonald's right to set.

That's what I let her think. I had her chipped.

Oh yeah, so you can always hear what Karen seeing wherever you are.

That must be a nightmare, because I know I hate it.

And be and be suggestive, go by bred and bring it to six one one. I'm not gonna say my address.

No can I say I'm sorry now that we're talking about beeping out addresses?

Got I got inspired at random times. I this is true.

I bought the U r L racistcomedian dot com a while ago to fuck with a friend.

I made it.

I cop what I made it Chris Garcia's website for a minute, funny.

It was really fun for me. But then and I made.

So if that if someone typed that in it would lead to their website.

Well right, and then I that was going on for like a year and just recently changed it to redirect to my website. So now it takes you directly to me.

How quickly would almost everyone scroll around and find out that you aren't I don't know.

Maybe I don't know who's direct linking to racistcomedian dot com.

Right, But here's the weird thing.

So I bought that u ur L and I didn't do anything except by it and then immediately make.

It Chris Garcia's website.

But then I somehow got on some list like I'm a like it's a legitimate business of mine, and now I will get credit card offers and the address is sent to is Dave Ross, racist comedian.

I have like tons of mail.

Why don't you have just at least a photo album of all of those?

Yeah, you know, I started doing it, but then I realized I was putting my address on Instagram right.

Right, Oh that's not good.

Yeah, that's but it makes me laugh every time. I just got one from direct TV today.

Well that a fear guy. I used to go by the Amazing Racist.

I remember that, Yeah, I used.

I once got a piece of mail because when I have to give my last name on the phone, they never know how to spell it, of course, so I always say Karen kilgarriff k I L g A R I F F both as in Frank and I got a piece of mail one time to addressed to Karen kil Garifas and Frank.

Oh they left out both. They thought both sorry.

I don't say I f as in Frank, and then it was all one kill Gariffas and Frank.

Hello, my name is Karen kil Garifast and Frank as Frank.

I ruined that by saying both.

I never said please please say that. It was one word as in.

Frank as in Frank, Yes, get kill Garafas and Frank all one word last name.

Oh, that's the best, much better German accent was really embarrassing.

Do you want to do it again now? Awesome? I have to. I have to be a gay like tiger trainer, awesome, Awesome, fr I.

Do it like you're doing it like the fat worm and Bud's life awesome.

It's the rs that are killing me, killing foss Frank.

Okay, can't you do it like glorious Leachman Helen yet, Frank.

It's like you're trying to hurt people.

Yeah, and it's awesome, or like someone's punching you in the stomach. Frank, you're just a little Muppets German Grover.

Karen, why are we doing cartoon that you are? I mean that's a that's ten seasons of an animated series.

Hell yeah, that voice, well, I would love to do it. Thanks, thank you, You're welcome.

Guy Lef.

The Bio Network.

Then we're recording right now. I'll ship it off.

Just in this your bio and yeah, make a cartoon out of your bio.

Dave, what were you doing tonight before we picked you up from your hand?

Yes, I'm interested in this as well.

That seems not genuine now from either of these.

They're making us after you.

It's like you had a conversation before you pick me up where Karen, you were like, Chris, listen, you have to be genuine about what he was doing tonight.

Okay, I will.

He's really into what he's doing tonight.

Let's practice. Let's practice it before he's in the car.

What were you doing tonight? I am also interested.

This is the thing. I also will listen to you say.

Uh so I did uh? What did I do today?

I teach a storytelling class? Now I did that and that was fine? Uh, And then I went to a stand up comedy open mic and did some stand up comedy.

How'd that go?

You know what? It was great?

It was like, you know, I don't know, Mike's are so often so bad, yes, and this one, by all rights should have been because there were ten people in there and uh, you know, it was late and it was really lounge, but so like lounges like a second home, and I know the bartender, I know the people that run the mic, and like a bunch of my friends were.

There and it was dope. I had a good time. Oh good Yeah.

And then I uh, I went and got dinner with some other comics, Alan Stricken, Williams, James Austin Johnson, James Fritz, and Dave Stone.

So just the James, Yeah, just the James's and the Daves.

Nice grouping, you know. Dave Stone the other day faved something that I wrote to you as a joke on Twitter. It was like an old oh yeah, and you know why, Well I do know why, but I'm very disappointed because I was like, oh, Dave Stone likes something I wrote and he's a funny comic and I was like all into it and then I look it up and he because you had tweeted fave everything I'd write or something like that. So then he was actually doing it. Yeah, and then I was really mad.

I'm sorry.

Well look, woh, okay, that's just how it is.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

No, we're sorry.

Sorry, I'm gonna I'm sorry that we picked you up so late. I feel that we both had shows.

It's okay.

Oh look at.

We went over a big bump on a wakeboarding geez.

That was ridiculous. That's like when two when you double up, you know, and you hit the other boats. I don't have to. Don't get me started on wake party. You know, I'll be talking the whole episode.

Well, now we all know how you write jokes wrote whoa And also there's a new wakeboarding bit nowhere.

It's just falling out of them at all times. Wait, Chris, how was your show yet? He about your show?

Oh me, Oh well it was.

I'm gonna go ahead and say horrible.

I didn't.

Yeah it was. And here's the thing. It wasn't like a bad room. It was a healthy group of kids. And I just I said something that I couldn't get out of it. No, I don't know, I know I wish I knew Karen.

Is interested in I am. I could have interested in that.

I could have fixed it if I had known. But they just didn't like me. And I've had so many fun I don't know. I really am sorry we could. I just said they didn't like me and I didn't know why, and and so then I was like really started to like charm them and I never pulled out of it. And I was like, oh, I I thought that after sixteen years I stop eating it, but I think I just did. And people came a lot of

It wasn't my Yeah, that's gross.

Uh, someone Canada your back?

Tell me who that was?

Was it Dave Stone?

Was it Dave Stone? Who loves to mess with people?

That's what?

Where is my phone blowing up? Dave Stone? No one likes that many of my tweets only on a fave level.

Did that actually work? Aside from Dave Stone? Did you get a bunch of people to favor tweets with that tweet?

I got a bunch of people to fave that tweet. People thought that tweet was funny. I think what I wrote was fave my tweets.

That's it.

I've taken too, because Twitter is a thing that's like present in all of our lives. Yeah, and it's fun, but it's it's a limited amount of fun. It gets annoying and boring pretty quickly for me. And also there's this odd importance late on it, like it's a huge part of stand up and I hate that.

I like, it's just not It.

Is fun and I like talking to my friends on there and writing stupid shit, but like I don't know at what point, I don't know exactly how, but I have convinced myself that it is really important and like it matters to.

Me if my tweets get faved.

Like it has like emotional resonance in my mind. So lately I've been just being like hyper honest about it. And if I if I tweet something I don't like that doesn't get enough faves, I'll write something demanding of my followers that they fave my tweets, and it feels it's very satisfying. It gets more faves than the thing I wanted them to face exactly because they relate to me being needy on Twitter. It's like, we're all we're

Happen to it.

I feel bad for There are definitely people who still, I think, think they can get a writing job off of Twitter. Now, that's which I feel like a while ago, but I just.

Had people on our show that can I call it it's a show. We've had people on the program that that that is how.

They they kind of yeah, it has happened. I guess it still does happen a little bit. But it used to happen all the time.

Yeah. Well, a lot of people built, like.

Built a voice and a following and then got little like it was like the thing that kicked them into gear.

Like Bridger Winneger, Yeah.

That's who I was gonna ment. That's because he was.

On our Oh he was on the show. Yeah, he's so funny. Definitely got exposure there, but then from that he still had to like grind out and write treatments and pilots and stuff.

Right, well, yeah, because nobody it never I think there was a time at the very peak of it, when it was really hot, where somebody would just get hired straight like, you know, maybe write one writing sample and then get hired onto a real show, right.

And I hear every person that that happened with it went very badly because it was that kind of thing where then people were like, do you know who I am? Like, yeah, there's one and I actually don't know who the actual person is. I've never met them or anything. But I heard a really funny story of that happening to somebody that got hired on a New York a New York talk show.

Wow, and then they've had the sense.

Of entitlement, entitlement and they kind of of course couldn't deliver. I mean, the job, a writing job on a daily show is the most demanding writing job you can get. It's the hardest, it's the most like it's you know, it's just like you have to you have to really know your stuff kind of it's like hard. Just being a hard joke writer on a late night show is

I always think that when I see because there's these annoying, you know, YouTube billboards where it's like, oh, this person has three million fans. They drive me nuts. But what I need to remember, or what often it's the case, is that they were doing something before that oftentime. Maybe it is someone that was already a trained actor or a comic and then they got famous. It doesn't mean that Twitter or YouTube was the very first thing they ever did.

Well you know what, though you think it off was right some people it was, and yeah that's freaky too. But like YouTube and Twitter are very specific skills, you know. I and I think like stuff like what Karen was just talking about happens because like, yeah, at least this is where I've come to piece with it is that like someone could be very very good at whatever it is on YouTube they do that entertains people. And I've watched some of those people and like, don't really get it.

Yeah, even if it's fashioned tips and with wacky graphics, I can't relate.

Yeah, but then you put him in like a Twitter person into a writer's room or onto a stage, or a YouTube person onto a stage, and they don't know what they're doing because they haven't done it. Yeah, and that makes sense. If I was trying to do what they were doing, I would bomb.

Also, I thought I knew, and I thought it's like, well, if you don't have the chops, put that John Legois guy that who John Lewis, He's a French Canadian in that league. Yeah, and he he. I remember he moved to LA and I didn't know who he was, but I watched some of his videos and he was lining the Brea improv and it was his seventh time on stage Whoa and he said, yeah, these managers they told him maybe he was playing it up a little bit,

Stage seven Mounts. He's just hanging out with seven he had.

Yeah, yeah, he's just they were all just handed me a cocaine and uh, it's like a.

Mountain and a hockey player.

Ford and they they He just had that thing where it's like, also, I don't get nervous, I'm unshakably confident and I have performance chops in front of a camera and he was. He did it and then he was on a show. Yeah, he just was.

He so sorry was the audience like he pulled it off.

He did pull it off.

He was a headliner that showed videos and he still Yeah.

I thought I was gonna get off stage. And you know I do this all the time where I get off stage.

I go follow that.

Yeah. Yeah that's very you.

Yeah yeah, eat my weight. I like to bring it back.

To well, but I don't.

I'm not trying to be like, uh like all that. I'm not trying to be all that. But no, I'm not trying to be over positive here. But uh, but the thing is that even though he did that, and that sucks, like for people like us who really grind that stand up like stand up will like punch you in the nuts if you just will you know what I mean? You can't like not do it all the time and then kill every time. Will never happen.

And that's what Yeah, I thought I was in a I keep thinking because once a year I have like this, I peak and I'm like, I've had ten good shows in a row. Finally I'm not going to eat it anymore, and it inevitably it'll stand up. Just the joke, dick.

So many times I have seen you kill like I've been falling over laughing and you've been like, uh, I bombed.

Yeah you don't know?

Yeah, man, I well I.

Appreciate that, and I know there are times where I've done that where I'm like I wanted to do better. I didn't. But tonight they're really they really didn't like me. They didn't like me, and I'm like, what did I do? Where was the show at a new place? Well, I don't want to expose, you know, they they're it's a new show.

Just say what country it was in?

America?

Oh, I get it, you know America.

Are we going to run out?

Guess probably let me get Yeah, this is great.

Do you ever have this problem?

I didn't notice until we were like on our way over here.

Can our podcast needs Yeah? Yeah, that's hilarious.

What is what is your skinneld the gun?

Fright?

Are you scared? Are frightening?

Rif?

Are you scared? Terrif?

Are you scared?

What are you scared?

That's the name of my podcast, terrifieder Terrifighter Classicer.

How's that going?

I mean it's we Who am I Byron out? How's that going?

I heard you have a podcast. I heard you have something to say about fish tanks.

Well, I don't know. Do we need to fix this gas problem? We do?

We do? Yeah, it seems well we have to get to the gas station first.

That's true. What's the closest.

Yeah, yeah, I would say.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I'm terrified of right now? What running out of gas?

Always have like thirty miles extra?

You know your tanks?

Very hand.

He pointed, like it was like very presidential, like you weren't trying to point, but you did want to be firm.

Yeah, you know your tank.

I love the president if he was like a lot of people think this country is in debt. But we know our tank.

But we know our tank.

And he drops the mic.

Sure, there's the little light is on and it's pretty nerve wrack.

This is what's gonna explode you, Chris. Yeah, just say you know your tank. Every joke you're gonna be famous in.

A week is gonna that'll be my gainner done.

Yeah, get her tank, know your tank.

You.

I got five jokes left, ten minutes left in my set, but ship, I don't have some laugh Please sign this bumper sticker, you know.

On a related note, my friend, Uh, that could be us either. It's a flat tire struck.

By a car with like all the wheels take up, just to totally take a car ambulance at seven to eleven.

Going off on Sunday night and at the park my friends asked how my dogs were the other night, and then she goes, what are your dogs names? And I said, uh, George and Frank, and she I think she may have it a little bit drunk, and she goes Trank And then we all couldn't stop laughing at the idea of a dog named Trank.

It's not a bad name.

My Serbian soldier of fortune, dog Trank.

Oh I could. You're right, I could see trank.

I like it.

How how would you call trank here? Trank like that? Drinky?

I think I would just never let him off. I would just tie him to the tree in the front.

And you know what, that's such a bad name.

Let him die, Yeah, real bad.

I would just always shake his food. Come on, come on.

And never say the name dog Rank Rank t.

R A n K.

That's how you spell it, right, Trankrank Like his name is trances.

Yes, so really you're doing that? They took it on the diagonal, the diagonal shuffle.

Well are you? There are two people crossing the street.

D r y Oh my god. Let's get out Dave and feed him the boots?

Is that what you say?

You know, I'm not the botnversation.

Wait, what did you mean?

Let's get elbow deep in boot with those motherfuckers. Wait, I'm wearing my shoes. Okay, we're actually what if we? I mean we're stopped for guests?

Still record? Okay, good, it's the car off.

Hey yeah, yeah you have.

You just have an endless supply of amazing sweaters.

Oh thanks, this.

Is so what is it?

This one is? Uh? I picked it up at a thrift store. It's a wolf trapped in a DreamCatcher. Like he's tangled in it, just his head and uh you know, and it's I've been having a lot of great dreams actually because of it.

Oh yeah.

Is at the point of a DreamCatcher you hang it over your bed and then like the dream spirits fly around and it catches them and they join your dream.

Is that the I heard that a DreamCatcher originally was cobweb stretched over a certain they put it over a baby's face. Uh huh so when they're traveling, Uh.

You know, so like nightmares would not.

No bugs, oh landing on your baby's face.

Oh, that makes much more sense.

Then it was utilitarian, right, a one.

As most things I would imagine began.

Yeah. Yeah, but we're all like, oh yeah, you know, they're whimsical. I think that you need to capture dreams. No, I made this so my baby doesn't get fucking smallpox.

Yeah, I'm hoping my kids don't die. Yes, but it's cool that you think it's. Yeah, because I want them to fight a dragon or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, some kind of superstition. Yeah, oh yeah, there's I want my kid's got all these dreams about I just want them to capture that dream.

I want them to, like, you know, like be naked in class and be late for a midterm.

I just want him to experience.

I want him to fall just a long way. Yeah, well while trying to figure out algebra, doesn't remember that's my Reacclarly, I wanted.

To be talking to his dad, but it's not his.

Dad, and then it's someone else, and then it's him. Yeah, I want that dream where he can't.

Maybe for wet. Maybe it's a wet dream catcher. Maybe that's it's we want son.

I want my son son to come, or daughter. I want I want my baby to come.

Don't you think that the parent would just I want offspring. I want my son, even though he's a baby right now, to capture the dream of coming and coming into a lady and bringing me a grandson.

Yeah.

Absolutely, I want a grandson as immediately as possible.

Because I know both my mom and dad cleaned my room and their last dream was for me to come again. They just bought so many socks. A lot of the stuff I say is pretty hacky.

I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I really don't.

No parent would would would want you to have a dream come true about coming.

Well, that's not true. I disagree.

I think that I would very much want my kids to come a lot. Uh sor right, that's the thing I really want. I don't have kids, but one day I want to have kids, and I hope they get to funk a lot. God, I mean not when they're kids.

Oh, guys, what happened to the conversation about dragons?

We talked about.

Chising imagine dragons.

That is true. Karen said, all right, you guys canna have some boy time.

Put some gas in the car, and then immediately we started talking about coming.

Dragons and which is nothing about dragons.

And again, you might as well talk about risk and salami while you're at it. They're gonna be so boyish.

Oh my god, come I went home.

Uh play risk on Heroin once, that's what. Yeah, it did well, but it always does.

You used to You used to ride the white pony occasionally.

Well, brown pony, she's a regular pony.

Oh I've been getting bad ship?

Yeah, well good, I think I think mine was bad. It was, man, that's funny. I I casually slipped that in there without even thinking about it. I didn't mean to make the whole conversation about that, but I yeah, when I was in college, I smoked black tar heroin sometimes.

Oh wow, how did you stop doing that?

I moved to a place where I didn't know how to get it.

Yeah, and I okay, So like, I never did it. I did it semi regularly, but I never did it enough days in a row to get like addicted, so I would get dope sick.

So I never like and also I never injected it.

I only smoked it, Okay. I you know, it's funny. That's always the response I get.

Right, Like you were like, oh you.

Didn't do it. You did it, but like the pussy way, it wasn't into your toenails.

Oh right, Oh you didn't have to hide money in your butthole.

You didn't live on the beach, and fuck you.

I think I just brooks wheeling in the street. Man, it's hard to see people downward spiral.

Is she doing heroin?

No?

No, I mean he's.

Only smoking, so he's not doing heroin.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make no, no.

No, not at all. It's how people react. It's funny, but yeah, I have a bit about it that doesn't work.

But I think leimate just people can't laugh at it.

Yeah, they don't think it's true.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't seem the type at all. No, cousin Lisa is a hero and addict, and you're nothing like her.

Yeah she rich or successful, not in the least.

Okay, well, so I'm winning against Lisa.

You are in the great contest, the great contest of life.

We're all trying to be king of the mountain, further up the mountain than Lisa is.

Well done, my friend, That's all it takes.

What do you What are you doing next?

Man?

You know, the holidays are coming up, and I have some like just like every year, I have like fifty million things that I want to complete over the holidays, and I'll probably do one of them.

But that's really it.

I'm like.

Most of the town shuts down and I'm here in la for Christmas, and I'm so excited to just kind of like for the city to be kind of empty and to chill out and like work on stuff here and there, but really just like relax. That's what I got going on.

Yeah, that's what I want to happen. But all of a sudden, I like, this is the busiest next three weeks of my life.

No way, yeah, how it just happened.

It's just happen.

It up that way.

All of twenty sixteen is an empty dream to catch. But yeah, well I'm hosting this thing with April and and we're shooting all of it now. It's like it starts airing on the twenty ninth of December, and there's still a lot of wing that needs to be done. And so I yeah, I want that. Just have holiday time and lay back and.

Do you at least at least get Christmas off.

Yes, I have to. I've never not gone home for Christmas and we feel weird. It's important to me, and so.

I am well, I'm only for extend this invite right now, caring to you too. I don't know what your Christmas situation.

What's your Christmas situation?

We're doing Christmas dinner at my house and if you guys end up in town. It's only a few of us right now. I live with Will Weldon. We're making a turkey and a tow turkey, so.

That sounds great.

I will be in Pedalum with my family.

And where pedal up north to Northern Town community.

So it's fun great mayor that's.

Near Tommy T's comedy steakhouse.

Is it is not, it's in the area which is where Tommy is a near Rooster T Feathers and some both both of those are in the East Bay where the poor people live.

Tommy once I opened for Jared Harris there on a Tuesday and Wednesday, and I wasn't getting paid. I was young, and I was trying to figure that feature thing out, and I was ordering dinner and the server said.

Features, don't get dinner.

That's the best way.

You don't serve features dinner.

You don't do you not like features.

The Patrick Kane, who we've had on several times, it's very funny. He was he's opening for Lachlan Patterson somewhere and they brought them the same meal. It was the same food. It was a takeout order, and one of them said opener on top, the other one said hen blagger and handed it to them and they took pictures of their identical meal. They just had to be labeled. It's I love how comedy clubs there's that higherarchy, there is, that hierarchy in general but I love that they enforce

Oh are you?

Are you featuring?

Yeah?

You only get two drinks? Oh thanks, okay, thanks for reminding me.

Headliner gets food, you know.

Okay, guy, they used to work at a TGI Friday. Right, Well we with this is we picked you up kind of late, we did. Yeah, but I don't know how to edit.

Really, I'm not.

I think we should, you know, off like venice and wrap it up term here right. Yeah, oh my god, you're way good at this.

You guys don't do the airport thing in the least. We do.

We do do it.

In the least, but we tried, definitely in the very least.

Yeah.

It's hard and it would require more help, I think for us to orchestrate flights.

And all that stuff when we both have jobs. It's like impossible because then the only time you can pick people up Sunday is.

We do it on Sundays.

Sunday.

I'm going to go home and every Monday morning we have an episode in every couple.

Let's make every other.

Karen and I would like to announce now if you're still listening, that we are now doing it every other Monday.

All we can manage.

That's all we can manage. You know, I have a baby on the way. I know baby is visiting you. I have to head home right now. That baby's a baby Murphy bed.

Yeah, you got to make up the baby bed.

I love.

Love just for a bet.

But it's an adult bed with a headboard, but for a baby. That crib ship. I don't want you to die.

Dude, you are throwing out catchphrases right now. I fuck that crib ship.

I'm hot. I'm hot.

That crib ship.

Dave.

Well, guys, thank you so much for having me.

You're we're at your house.

You're really good at that.

We're you know exactly, we're.

Not I go up the block or down?

Oh uh, you know it's well, go up and make it right here.

But we can go ahead and sign off.

Sure, yeah right, you guys are the best. I love you, guys, I love.

Thank you so much.

Do anything to plug other than the holidays and dinner?

Uh? How about women come to my house.

I want people to see women.

Please watch the sketches that my sketch screw makes. It's they're all at womencomedy dot com.

I f C or am I making that up?

No?

Yeah, we may, and then make it right here. We uh. We made a handful, like around ten for im C.

I watched those.

We made one for Comedy Central, and then we have a bunch that we just made for ourselves. Just niceym, dip in your dick and every network dude, we fuck everyone.

I am chicks, yep, yeah, hell yeah.

Every chick.

I say like me too.

I want on a dragon. Where are we both coming?

Superman?

This is ben z y n A r.