Ep. 71 - Karen Kilgariff and Chris Fairbanks

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turman alingaye.

We want to send you off inside.

You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it? We scared? Or was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Her ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. I'm at Lax at eight pm on a Monday, incredibly crowded, one of the worst plates places on earth, the opposite of Disneyland.

I am picking up Karen Kilgarriff.

Who.

Is supposed to be right here.

I do not see her the Great Lakes sign. Huh oh there she is down there. Ways she was in Portland. We're going to talk about her trip to Portland. If this asshole Prius will move, you're not picking her up?

I am, that's right. He It's almost like he heard me. Hello there, Sorry, I just have wardrobe and stuff. Is that okay? Totally okay? And then uh.

When I say she has a lot of baggage. I'm not talking about old relationships. No, it's only two bags and a guitar.

Hi, Karen, Hi, we were on the air.

H oh Hi everybody.

Boy hie Monday nights huh yeah. I think Mondays are a popular time to be arriving.

I agree.

Excuse me, everyone here just wants to be popular.

How were you doing? How did you do hosting alone?

I did? Okay? You mean right now? Yes, so far, it's been okay for about two minutes in.

Did you get that feeling where you thought you might be going crazy?

No, No, I've actually been pretty calm. Well, but then someone like him, it's okay. That's probably you got your toes.

How they do it? Where he learned to drive? Where he learned to drive?

He seems like he took based country base. I think it looks like he learned to drive in the Riverside area. So it's actually good regionalism. I hate to be regionalistic, but he reads Thank you, Kathy Kelly Kelly, Yes.

The redhead. That's very strong alcoholic content.

She really what's what's her morning show where she just drinks wine?

Oh?

That's Kathy Lee and Hoda and Hodah. Yeah, made popular by Star Wars. I loved I for some reason. I enjoy them. I didn't.

I bet they don't give a fuck.

They don't give It's the same reason I'm voting for Trump. He just kidding. Come on, come on wait?

Did you see James the Domain and that guy who does Trump so done on it's crazy, No, looks nothing like him.

Did they do like a debate?

Yes, it was a fake debate at UCB, And people keep posting it on Twitter, and it's just it's as genius as you've seen James of domiin B. But then there's this other New York comic. I'm sorry, I can't remember his name. It's like it's very long. It seems like he's Greek or something.

Kostaki Economopolis Nope.

And and he does a Trump like, not the blowhard Trump, like the real, reasonable, smarmy Trump, and it's so funny.

Oh that's great. So he's not going you're an idiot, he's not going that round.

Oh, it's the like, it's the like, the quieter, nuanced.

The presidential he tries.

He tries to so reasonable.

It's so funny. That sounds really great.

What have you been doing.

I've been Oh today, Uh visited a friend at the hospital.

It was horrifying. We can talk about that off camera. We're on camera right, Yes, A note the go pro. I'm wearing my head so that was hard. It's uh maybe at the end talk about that because it would be neat if people donated to the GOFUND. But other than that, I didn't do much today. I did a podcast with Brendan Brendejo wallsh nice. Brendan coma Brendejo Walls

Or something great. But he goes kitchen humor.

Like, oh, I I wish I hadn't said anything so far.

Come on, what is that off of my judgmental? No?

No, no, I will.

It's it's me judging myself after everything I say, which is what I do, which is what we all did.

I judge every day.

I judge the idea to have a podcast that goes to the airport because it brings me grief.

It is grief filled. We are constantly Greece Strodan. I listened to these episodes and then I go, why do I say yeah all the time? Why do I laugh constantly? Why this?

Why that.

Nice to me? Oh? Here's the thing.

It's hard to get figure.

Cares people like it. It's hard to figure that one it doesn't and it doesn't matter anymore is the worst part.

Guess what, what's done. It's done.

Let's live our goddamn lives and celebrate good times.

Come on, wow, you came off that plane really positive.

I had a great weekend because it was like vacation. But I was up in Portland at the All Jane women's comedy festivals.

All Jane common no deck, no, no, no.

It's just called All Jane.

Oh good.

That was like an early thing. And then they have to others a reason that you would drop that dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that it actually was named so. Stacy Halal is one of the girls that runs One of the Women I should say that really good, and she used to be in a two women's sketch show that was called that so they just thought it was okay. And then of course people don't like that.

No, no men.

You know's what's a new exciting thing is men defending being men.

It's very fun listen to and as a man, makes me proud.

I bet it does. Well, you know, we've all got to have we've got to talk about things people don't like talking. But eventually we're going to evolve so that we can have conversations where people want to change within it as opposed to scream down other people. Right right, I see that's going to be around twenty forty five.

We will make changes just to change the conversations as we get sick of them. That's the reason for change, is to change the conversations about change.

That's exactly right, because those changeful conversations are the most boring, right, this exact one.

And if changing this conversation, which I will after this statement, oh well before.

It brings okay, well before it concludes, I will conclude it for you.

I will conclude it. Also known as interrupting. Uh what if can I just renounce.

When I'm not interrupting you, I'm just concluding yourself.

I decided you're done. That's really. I think that's why interrupting infuriates me so badly is the assumption that you think my speech is even halfway done, that it's time your time to talk, right, when in fact I will go for a solid three minute.

I was just getting started.

As they say they say in joe business.

Yes, everything they say they say, like Carol Chin, they do it during the business of show.

Joe business, everybody, that's where we come from.

Carol, it's hard to do that.

For you, it's very hard. And I've been a party style smoking all weekend saying smoking I sometimes when I want to party, and as we all have complained time and again to you that I can't drink. So some times partying will mean rolling my own cigarette and standing off like a French girl, not talking to people.

That's my When you roll your own that's the best thing you can do, aside from just not doing it. Is because it makes it makes you work for it. Yes, it makes you look forward to it, and it makes you not smoke frivolously.

True. Yeah, and it also is aging my face like a like a Greek fisherman from nineteen twenty five.

Well, oh god, it's so hard to have that job in Greece, just.

The Dermans of dress and cancer, not to mention all.

The needless drowning because as most people know, Greek boats no guard rails.

Oh yeah, they are quite sloppy.

They have to turn everything into extreme sport grease.

No guardrail. Yeah, it's just these open ships. You wouldn't believe it.

I want to change the conversation about Greek fishing, please God, God, to one about how was Portland it was?

We should do that when we have guests be insanely sarcastic the entire time, and even if they start crying begging us to not talk that way, we should do it.

Oh, I enjoy it.

We need to have more episodes where we make people cry. Have we even come close?

I don't know. I don't think we have.

Oh, Todd Barry broke down.

Did he missus crying? Todd Barry killed me to miss it. It killed me to miss it. No, we had a great time and there was tons of really good stand up comics there. I had a little bit of the snobby you know I'm from as you know, I'm from nineties stand up comedy, right, So back then you were allowed.

And if people are doing that less and less these days and some desperate attempt to be a mentally healthier is bullshit.

It's a pathetic attempt to be grown up and to take responsibility and really just to focus on probably better things like your act or writing poy selfish things, selfish things.

In the early nineties, people were less selfish. They talked more about other people, albeit negative.

Yeah, it was fun. Also it's also fun to talk talk badly about other people.

It's fun just to talk.

So I love it. Uh, we're we talking bad about.

Oh no, this I when I go into any situation that's qualified in any way, and that's my usually my thing with all female shows or all female festivals, which I don't I've never heard of any before. This is the only one I know about. I really resent the qualification because I have raised myself up in my comedy life trying to not be qualified by my gender right. Uh, And because of that, I wear a lot of bootcuts, means, and I tell people fuck off in a loud voice.

Okay, that's why you do those two.

There's other reasons I could give them to you. You are also a cowboy, there's I mean, god, the list goes on. I'm a cowgirl. I raised my own goats to make goat cheese.

Well that's what I don't like. Yeah, that when about me? This is about you.

When you say this is an all female show, people like you, uh huh and everyone else will adjust their expectations to be okay, get ready for some astrogen.

Yes, it's and I don't think it's fair.

It's a weird. It's almost like you're putting people in the position. Well no, no, this is my judgment. I'm saying. It's like you're putting people in a position to choose to qualify you or say, oh, they're separated or not. You know, the word comedian applies to everybody. In my opinion, It doesn't matter anyway. I go there with a little bit of a oh, some of these people will have got in underfallse pretenses, or there's not that many of us.

Someone that stands out too that you knew was good, A and B. Someone that's knew that you didn't know about that kind of was great.

Let's see, well, Heather Thompson, who is a comic around town and she does a lot of shows. She's kind of in that I would qualify her in that group or that class, the you know, freshman sophomore. They're actually I would call them sophomore juniors at this point. But in that group, I do shows with her on the same shows of Megan Keister and Barbara Gray and Alan Strickla Williams and that kind of clo A bunch of kids, the kids, but they're not kid kids. Yeah, they're there.

I like how while she's talking it seems like she might break down into tears at any moment, yes, or that she's giggling.

Also, it's giggling, but it's like is she going to start laughing and never stop or is it going to be like full on crying.

And Yeah, watching her, it's like it seems like she's on the verge, yeah, the whole time of something. Yeah.

But it's what I realize is that it's energy. It's like her getting up there and being vulnerable and being like this, I'm so nervous, this matters, but she's got the material to back it up, so there's never a pause of you being worried about your performance. She's just actually being so real. So it almost like double credits her when you're when she's done with the set and she's got all these great jokes and she's acted that nervous, you almost feel like you probably love her more, you know.

When I started.

I thought being nervous and stammering and acting like I was uncomfortable would be my gimmick too, And you're just kind of for a while, I felt like I built up an obstacle for myself that made it harder.

I didn't.

No one ever told me go up there and be confident, like you're like you rule the stage. No one ever said that, because that's not how I'm I was raised.

And also that's not how that's not real. Everybody knows that if you're on stage in front of her room full of people, you're nervous, right, So putting on some kind of like swinging your dick around persona, no one buys it. It makes it. It makes you look more nervous. Actually, it's when people are truly confident and know what they're doing, they can be as vulnerable as they want to be. That's the kind of power move.

And when once I did for me, when I started becoming more confident, I would just drink tons of coffee to manufacture that nervous energy.

Oh yeah, I feel so much coffee just so I'd be like, what am I doing? I don't know. That's my impression of other people doing an impression of me.

But can you now do Howard Kramer doing that impression?

Well, you know, death move Angel with Gaateboardau at the end.

That was it. That was really nice mash up. That was really well done. The other the person that I was thrilled to watch every time she did a set, I'm not going to be able to I'm not gonna be able to remember her last name me. No, she wasn't there.

I'm just showing off that I can pronounce it. But she is great.

Could you do that again with more of a Spanish l in that?

Were you trying to think of Melissa?

Yes? I was, I know it wasn't. Yeah, I have to look up her. I have to look her up on Twitter. But her name is Naomi ekipe Can Ekipeka can or something. Okay, So sorry for just drawing your name. But she was on the second show I had to show at seven thirty, and then the second show that same night in the same club, Curious Comedy in Portland, which is a great such a fun comedy club, new theater. It's like an improv theater.

Comedy club. Wat I want to go there.

Yeah, it's very fun. We should totally go there.

Fun.

So she was on the second show, headlining, and she was so goddamn hilarious, like the second and she writes for broad City. She's just really brilliant and it's just a you know, one of these up and coming stand ups from New York. So yeah, but there was tons of people that were like that. Amy Miller was on it. She's the girl that was just on last comic that made it to the finals. And it's also from Portland.

I have a show within walking distance of the airport. We're leaving no so I'm going to drop you off.

And go to Oh my god, you're a goddamn scene Ponchos. It's a restaurant, but I do it a lot, and it's the guy's birthday, so I can't not do it. Oh okay, I cannot do it, but I'm not gonna not do it.

I respect that I won't not do it.

Good, Thank you good.

No, that's the that's the way to be.

I think we in the future should do Emily my meals this show. Yes, for sure, I pronounce her name.

Much like.

There's many women of ethnic women that you can really put a on their name, really think.

For the sake of offending them or other people, huh, or just for fun.

Having right in car fun having, which is our kind.

That's we should have named the podcast then.

In car fun having the car fun having said.

Cavin parentheses Russian accent.

Well, I yeah, anytime someone's in Portland, they're leaving for Portland or they come back, not the third one.

I'm jealous because I do love it there. I love it.

And the weather was so perfect. It was cloudy, it misted, it rained a tiny bit, but not that much. I got this Bill Murray purse.

You got a Bill Murray purse.

Can you see this ship?

It's yeah, it looks like are you sure Tammer is a good guy from Narcos.

I know, well it's this is his picture from when he was on Saturay Live only they made it made him look kind of like Hindu god with the blue face.

That's such a cool Portland thing to get it is, right.

And that and then phar real earrings where he's wearing his tall hat.

Oh yeah, his uh his bus boy hat. Yeah, he bell hop I.

Think no, no, no, the other one that looks like Smoky Bear. Oh, okay, that crazy big hat.

Okay, I don't know that I've seen it. I've just seen his bell hop fez.

Oh no, this was old. This is from like three years ago. They had earrings there and also two Godzilla patches. I only needed one, but I literally bought the second one because I didn't want anyone else.

Oh that's great, that's so funny.

Are you gonna like put it on a vest and every time you do your love song to god Gozzilla wear your Godzilla best Oh that's a good idea.

Or I'll probably leave it at the bottom of my junk or and never look at either of them again.

You know what, That's what I would do with it, right.

I mean it's a patch. I'm not I'm not fifteen.

I am the only patches I've ever put on anything than nick Rette ones.

And I didn't. I just put it on my backpack.

You put it right on the mew of your jeans. Uh. Yeah, So anyway, i'd really it was just a fun time and I stayed. You know, I have a slight perversion of hotels. I mean, I just love being in a hotel room.

Me too.

It's the greatest.

It's such a freedom. You don't have to do anything, no you have.

It's usually sign there's no pressure you throw that do not disturb on the door, Sleep all day, sleep, listen to podcasts, lose all track of time and where you belong in space and what's going on in your life.

Yeah, a lot of people think that's depression. No, I'm enjoying a hotel room.

I love depression me too, if you use it right well. And also I was kind of using as like, well, I'm just getting my energy together for when I go do these shows and probably party after right, and literally every night at eleven I would go to Stacey'd be like, will you drive me back to my hotel?

Like I never you never hunt.

Well, I don't like I don't like it.

It wasn't probably like in during the festival in Portland, there is a pressure and you think you're missing out if you don't go to the after party.

Yeah, and after a few nights of that, I just couldn't anymore.

Yeah, like I'm a grown up, I cannot and I come early and then sure enough the next day you missed it, of course.

Well, and also there's so much break Dan, there's so much drinking all day long, right that by the time you hit that after party, most people are completely shitfaced. And that's my only thing is I don't have any patience for drunk people because I'm so actively jealous of the position they're in that it just drives me truly insane.

Well, even though even if I'm two hours from being able to have a drink myself, for whatever reason, I can't be around drunk people myself. I can't even I can't even have one hour's gap of empathy. Does that really make sense?

Yes? It does, Like, even like you can't even three beers in no.

I often there has been times where other people are intoxicated and I just start drinking myself.

So I can stop hating them. Yes, that's bad. That's fear pressure.

That's just that's an internal peer pressure of the there's a panel in your head that's not letting you accept the real moment.

You think I had something to do with my childhood.

I wouldn't go back that far, Okay, I'd say. I'd say it was probably some mid two thousands. Oh yeah, something what happened to you in the mid two thousands.

Well, a lot of a lot of bad Texas traffic.

Uh uh huh.

Sometimes it would get so bad I'd just pull over and get a you know, a Tamali and whiskey.

Oh, well, there it is. We've dug the root. Great, Well, then this problem solved.

There's just one layer and then we were there.

You know what, I feel like a lot of people could solve a lot of problems if they would just ask me first, just.

A moment digging, with courtesy and help of Karen.

Just own moments digging, and you will know. I'm clearly full of beans. I think I have been alone for you know, four hours.

I guess.

I'm full of beans.

You mean you mean just silly empty stories.

I guess so. And also I've been no, no, no, I won't fart in your car if I can help it.

It's the reason you signed that paperwork.

Because your least agreement is just that's a lynchpin element of that.

If it weren't for Bank of America being the actual owners of this car, you can fart all.

But the guy comes in for the far check with that white gloves.

We're just gonna need to check the interior emissions, he.

Says, he says, And then I go and he's like.

And then he's all, and then I'm like, and then.

He smog checks my ass. That's what I'm talking about. Bull of beans, dipstick. I do notice that listening to other podcasts, it's probably just making me be show off here than normal, because I so enjoy just insane bullshit that other when other people are talking too loud to quiet.

No, no, it's starting to get quiet. But that's okay.

That's well, this is the part where I want us to pray.

Oh yeah, swallowing.

Jesus, thank you. Let's do that more.

Grass and three old man, along with all the things of baby like gold, gold and.

Mirror, mir this space shuttle mirror No a cat.

With a speech impediment near.

Oh no, well, I get to go on Wednesday to a town that I like almost as much as Portland.

Oh yes, but let me still do. Can you get what it's just because.

They cannot guess?

Sorry? Sorry, can I get Denver? No you cannot.

I was gonna guess. Seattle.

Yeah, I don't.

Well club in Denver.

I haven't quite cracked the old Seattle.

I don't think they have like a big scene anymore, like these very.

Much in a scene to big cracked there.

Sorry, I get out of town cracker.

Yeah, sorry, Rainy City. I well, I am doing a place. The main show is on Three Kings Tavern sweet oh yeah, yeah, main stage, which brings the tavern that kind of negates that word. And it's like whoa multiple stages, Chris is doing. Well, Yes I'm doing And then it just another bunch of shows at the Deer Pile at Three Kings again at another.

Place awesome in it.

You know, I'll put them on my Twitter or whatever. But it's gonna be fun. I love that town.

I love that town. And at the comics there are so good at stand up comedy, yeah, for real.

And I get to work with probably all of them at some point.

That's great. There's a guy whose name I won't remember that's really good that I hope you see.

Oh well that's maybe enough to go on.

No, his name, I think his first name is Aaron, and he was on the big show that that what's his name that I'm blocking out and dal headlines. Okay, he was the I think second first or second comic on that that Brody hosted. Okay, so I don't know. I guess I'm describing all that in case someone else knows. But anyway, he was. He was a comic that you if he was on Conan tomorrow you would be like, hell yeah. But he's like a you know, probably a

These really are. They have such a supportive scene and they are in charge of it.

Yes, there's a couple of clubs there called Comedy Works, which I would love to be working there and thought I was going to be doing a set at But these these guys have a whole scene going on.

With or without that club's help, which is pretty crazy.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Like the Comedy Festival there is great, and it doesn't even involve the comedy clubs that's healthy run by comedians scene that they have.

It's very cool and it's like, uh, it's it felt big, but it also felt like quality. Like I don't remember ever seeing anybody that didn't really make me laugh. I just think that these days everybody being a stand up comic, Like at first when that was happening, it's like grumble, grumble,

I talking, No, it's great and it's weird because I used I think I've lost my mind.

What was I talking about? I was explaining like the evolution of stand up comedy to today. Shut up. Ah fuck all the people.

They used to make it grumble. Now they make him learn.

Now they make you bumble.

We used to make is grumble, used to make us bumble. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, and we're back and hello again.

The last time I was on this freeway, I had to work on a show I've been doing stuff for and it I left. I was supposed to be there at three, but I thought, well, i'll leave way early and help out with some things.

And I left at one and I two hours together.

I got there in two and a half hours.

No, there this this freeway, and you were in Portland during this This freeway was at a standstill, to the point where people had gotten out of their cars and they were standing next to their cars stretching.

That's my fear.

And it was scared.

It was.

It looked like walking dead or something. Once I managed to honk, I had to honk and say please let me through, and I pretended to be pregnant. I think that, and I just rubbing my belly like please please.

Please let the man who's jerking off getting through, please.

Well, yes, I am doing that. Hand gesture, I don't know.

Why you've never been pregnant. You don't know.

I was saying, I want to get someone pregnant, and they pulled out of the way.

That's when they really pull over.

Yeah, they were really understanding it.

All pro life people on the freeway that night and the way I like it.

And then so I got on the one thirty four which crosses over the one oh one and look down and cars were yes, bumper to mumper and stopped, but there were some that were sideways and diagonal that were trying to get out and cars at no point were moving, so people walking around and then cars staggered, so it looked just like walking dead. That's it was horrifying. And it was all because some selfish fuck was what, Donnie is gonna kill himself and they laid down a big old pillow for him to land on.

Oh that's fun.

Oh and then he had second thoughts for a couple hours.

And he didn't jump the pillow.

No, they talked him out of it.

Actually did Johnny Knots will ever come out and try to convince him.

Yeah, Well that's all like what I needed. He is so persuasive. I do not know what you're talking about, though I don't know.

I don't either. It just sounds like something like a prank thinger, you know what I mean?

All right, Yeah, yeah, I made We.

Made Steveville get up on this overpaus and pretend he was suicidal.

It's it seemed like it was a prank and all day it affected traffic for hours after. This is this domino effect or maybe there's a better example. I think dominoes.

Dominoes. Well, people were tweeting pictures of their street, the cars on the streets outside their house, because of course everyone was just getting off wherever they were on the freeway probably yeah, so side streets were just passed.

So you knew about this.

Oh yeah, people were tweeting about it. I mean, you know, I'm a digit to Twitter.

It was unbelievable. I eventually had to get off, go under the free go up into the mountains.

I just went up in the mountains just so I was moving and I was up there in those houses just trying to get back down, and eventually got and then we hung out after we worked into the night because traffic never got it was.

So yeah, you can't just stop the one on one that's it.

No, and it was just one guy and he didn't.

You know, when you're in traffic and you you want an answer, of course you don't, of course want I jokingly say, there better be bodies up ahead.

I don't want that, of course.

I want there to be at least a tire or or some answer. There was never it was just cars forever and then footage of some guy I guess by the Hollywood Bowl.

I don't know.

See nobody tweeted the picture of the big pillow, and I think that's like, guys, tell the whole story. That's what I need to know about a huge pillow. Well, I would have loved if there was a sinkhole.

I think that even media got it wrong. I would love it if there's a sinkhole with steam.

Coming out of it, steam and then like people accidentally just driving straight into it.

Hey, get out of here, you guys, we're just demons. We live here. I think that this something so similar to this. Should I stand on the one to one or go all the way over? Okay?

I think something so similar happened like one year ago where a guy was on and overpass.

He was trying to commit suicide. They laid a big pillow out for him. People thought this.

They were just tweeting or searching the keywords and that was coming up and they were reposting those photos, so there was confusion. So maybe they didn't lay down a big pillow for this guy this year. But oh, I hope it just becomes a holiday on where no one ever goes through with it.

But like I remember having, that was one nightmare I would have every once in a while, was trying to leave a city that everyone was trying to get out of and being stuck in traffic. That's to me, that's very nightmarish.

Very and I think about it all the time because where I live by the beach, there are these tsunami warning signs with an arrow that just points vaguely away from the ocean.

Think, that's that's all I need to know.

That's clear. Thank you.

So everyone, if and when that happens and an alarm goes off, everyone's going to get in their cars.

Not me.

Me and my roommate are going to run across the street, okay, get into the Hilton elevator to the top where we know there to be a helicopter pad and food for days. I'm not getting in my car. I'm gonna watch my hand to float away.

Hold on a second. Did you squirrel food for days away? Up? There? No?

No, but they'll have some and I'll steal it. Oh. I see.

Once there's a tsunami or any kind of catastrophe, that's when you can start looting immediately.

True. I agree.

And if it's just going to be Continental back breakfast, it's not like I'm going to get a widescreen TV.

No, you're just you just have like seven tiny boxes of frog. That's not really losing.

Sorry. Yes, I know it's against the law, but I'm hungry.

But it's great.

I know it's against the law, but they're.

Great. I would say that's the That's the My trademark in comedy is I always get it just a tiny, tiny bit wrong, like I said, it's great, instead of they're great. Oh yeah, I'm really mad right now about that.

You and me. Oh, because I knew it and you didn't know.

Yah, I'm jealous.

I grew up on TV. That's one of those shows I'm doing in Denver.

It's called Comedy and Cartoons, and it's so fun because you misstery science.

Theater style comment on these video contrape that this guy has and you.

Know, maybe they were during a Christmas special or something, but you just watch the the commercials and they are commercials for cartoons, for toys and for Cereal from exactly our era, like and you're supposed to come. I was just I had all the jingles memorized. We're in the money with a scholarship from crest.

Or, like all the I knew all of them, and people were like, why do you know this?

And it's because I'm forty and so's the guy that made this day and I was raised on television every every you know connect for can I play?

Like? There's all these and I know that there are recesses to one's brain because and I don't mean a break from school, I mean like crevasses, yes, where you store the most worthless of information and maybe even god, I hope algebra and stuff like that that I sure because or Spanish or And once you watched those, it was so amazing how I knew all of these commercials.

Can I do my favorite jingle that's stuck in my head forever? Yes, Now there's an American car that's exactly what you've been looking for Taurus. Now there's an American car that's everything something. Torus are.

Rust Have you driven a Ford lately? Mm hmm I know that one too.

That's a great one and no one else knows it. Every once in a while I'll do it and I give everybody finger guns and I sing it Taurus.

Do you remember the Ford Aerostar?

So it was less involved, but it just it just went up Aerostar, Aerostar. I don't know we had a promotion. Yeah, well, it's just the scenes of it driving no, no, no, a Rowstar Aerostar.

It's a car by for.

Hi'm Sally kirkl and Kellerman. You are hidden by the ramshill over the console of a family wagon.

Wait did you say Sally Kellerman?

Sally kirk I don't remember.

Kellerman's the right one, isn't it? Remember we did, Sally Kirkland when we talked about it one.

Not only do we repeat ourselves, we repeat the same mistakes.

God bless these assholes.

Well we're at your place. Yeah, I mean, what do you want to do?

We have enough time? What's our time look like? We like at like forty or tell us, let's tri around a tiny bit more Okay, give the people what they're looking for, which is babbling. Oh wait, can you think of another one?

Let's see.

Uh what about introducing diet coke? You're gonna drink it just for the taste of it?

WHOA remember that? I don't know that. Yeah.

I was there when they invented te coke when it was a brand new thing, and they were actually trying to sell it like you would drink it just because it tasted good. When diet coke tastes like it's it's like old uh caramel sauce that's been soaked in nickels. It's terrible. It tastes like cancer itself. It is.

It's a cancer causing carcinogen and.

A can it continuously cancer sizing us?

And the only time I ever have had it is at my grandma's house.

Uh that on the beverages? Was your grandma? Oh?

Yes? She was not good with anything that you put in your mouth. It sounds wrong preparing food?

Was she?

One time she made pizza for us and she had done some things to it, like diced up some olives, and I think, and if I'm not mistaken, crumbled saltines on top of it and I don't know why, but another dish saltine based, was just stewed tomatoes in a base of crumbled saltines.

And once a pizza came out.

Man, we were excited because we're like, finely, something normal that she could not have fucked up. And under the crust was baked into the crust the cardboard that comes with the pizza, corrugated.

Base of cardboard underneath the crust.

Oh no, it was crispy enough to do the roller cutter right through it and deliver cardboard.

Indian Or did you eat it?

Yeah, little wad took a couple of bites until I realized, you know, some of this pizzas and.

Food, Grandmama, dear grandmama.

Grandamma, this is corrugated paper product.

Grandmama, you're trying to poison us on the shoe, Grandama.

And then her mom, my great grandma one time, and it was I think, to be fair, it's like her ninety second birthday.

Yeah, great grandma. And anecdotes don't usually fly because it's like they shouldn't be there.

Well, this is it's the way she dealt with it was, which is like a young person would she she was making coals law and drop the mayonnaise jar on top on the lid before she had opened it.

And then and you've just did it anyway, just like took it off.

It was all in there she made. And then as we ate this coal slaw I did, the corner of my dad's mouth was bleeding. I pulled out a pretty decent round shard from out of my mouth.

I think my mom swallowed some.

There was just broken, and we were like, there's still glass, and she's like, oh, just eat around it.

I dropped the jar, So we really did. I think we were hungry enough to where we hadn't eat all day. We just ate around the glass.

Do you know one shard of glass can just work its way through your system and cut your ribbons.

Yeah?

You really should not eat any glass.

No, even the smallest amount that a grandma says you can eat.

No, I should not even have that.

Grandma doesn't know shit grinding up glasses the way people kill other people that I've seen on a lot of I Identify Discovery network.

Yes, she didn't watch any of those Discovery ID networks.

Investigation, diver Investigation, Discovery, Discovery of Glass in your food.

My sister wanted to blow dry her hair, and she pulled out this old hair dryer that was the first hair dryer ever invented, and my sister plugged it in and turned it on and a hot on fire bug like with giant.

Oversized grasshopper legs burnt and landing her hair.

Just crispy bug legs, and she screamed and ran and I think slipped and fell. It was just the funniest cartoon.

That is good stuff.

I love that kind of stuff.

That's genius. Ah, it makes me think that it's not as funny. It makes me big of my friend, you know, I don't know if you know cg Arabia, my old.

Yeah, of course I met you guys together when I visited here.

Yeah, we used to. We used to roll pretty tight. She has a sister named Julia, and when they were in high school, Julia went to flip her hair forward to blow dry her hair and just slammed her own head down.

On the.

On the bathroom counter. I think about it every time I do anything in the bathroom. I think about her. You know how girls in the.

Eighties did that where they would flip their hair forward, and they like all those styles and you had to have the biggest hair possible. Yeah, So there was a lot of flipping of hair forward, and she just with full force and velocity, slammed her own head on the down onto the bathroom.

Saying the best one things like that, no one else is intervening, and it's all you doing it for yourself. Like if someone from a distance saw it would just look like one of those Jim Carrey things where you're beating yourself up.

Which is what happened to me that time. I'm positive I've told you this, But the time I started to fall down, I was walking to the bank and it's this weird little brick pathway that's a little bit curved as you go, and I tripped on the last step and started to fall down, but kept walking and trying

Oh I would have to see that, and acted out.

Yeah.

I mean, if you're willing to.

Do it once, I think you have to put down a big pillow for me. Okay, I'll do it off the overpubs.

There's one.

Have you ever had ivory? Ivory hand soap is specifically and just ivory soap.

In general is I don't know, it's it's the kind I used to use.

Yeah, it's pretty powerful and it smells like whoa, you don't want to ingest this or but it's not like life Boid or one of those fifty soaps.

But it's pretty intense. Well, they may be.

They made it in liquid form, and my mom was in the house, but I was washing my hands by myself, which I learned very young to how to do.

I was gifted.

And it had, you know, it had coagulated at the tip of the pump and I squirted it and it squirt it soap directly into my eye.

Oh, my open eye. I did not there was no way of even knowing.

Oh, it aimed at my hand, squirt ranged my eyeball, coating my eye, and it hurt so bad.

I just immediately went to run and scream.

And then I slipped on the bath mat and hit my head so hard that it was soap in my eye and hit my head and that taste of iron, taste of blood.

In my mouth, and I just we just laughed.

My mom came in and laughed, and I think I was mad, but I was laughing because I knew how that would look.

Oh my god, because she heard me screaming and then just gave it. And then I find my feet in the air. It's the best.

Now in my house. If you did that. And my dad was the one that came in, you go, YoY, hey, you gotta be careful. When my dad, when we would get hurt, he would get really mad at us. And finally my mom went to I was like crying at like whatever I had done. Oh, it was probably the

Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, and so of course he literally would add insult injury or an injury to an insulting.

Car almost killing you.

I didn't even know the car was there. I was just like Dad embarrassed me, and my mom was like, you almost got killed in front of him. Oh, and that well, it wasn't a They didn't really spank, but it was just a kind of swat of like, god, damn it.

Avoid your neighbor's passive aggressive neighbor has a we probably gets a sharp white rock in the corner of his lawn. So you get punished if you drive on his grass by your tire getting pop.

Or your car.

Well, my extra neighbor is he should have a reality show made about him, like Radley kind of. Uh I wish he was. No, he's well, he's got crazy eyes. He looks like someone yelled boo at him, that's for sure.

And he's still scared.

He's got crazy eyes. And when my dad found out, so I used to talk shit about my neighbor to my dad all the time, he'd always be like I was chuck doing. I'd be like, he's had an arsenal of guns in the back of his house. Really, oh yeah, this guy has got PETE went over there one day because they had to. He had to help him with something, and the whole back like where my I have a garage, he's got a room filled with guns.

Oh my god, that's horrifying.

But I'm not scared because, uh, well, either I'll die immediately or he's gonna protect us from whatever thing he thinks is coming. I feel very.

Safe actually something if something happens, zombies or something real, yes, can I come here and then he can give us a because I don't even know how to hold a gun. I was raised that way, but I think, if shit's going on, I want to quickly be one of those guys like in a movie.

That's just so I could get used to this totally. Like all of a sudden, that was a gun. It sounds like he just breathing out my nose, But that was rapid machine. That was an oozy.

It will be like dawn, we're suddenly we're just boys on the high school football team. Suddenly we're defending our whole town against Russians.

Our How much did it scare you watching that? When because I'd never seen a movie where they were shooting high school kids before. Yes, and then it's so horrifying when you're a kid and you watch that. Never gets scared of Russians. We were raised to be scared of Russia. Yeah, we were raised to hide under our desks because of Russians. And then there's this movie where they parachute down shoot up at school and there's kids hanging out the windows.

Yeah, and that was the scared.

I mean, I'm not talking about you know, it's this is danger because that actually happens, but it's domestic.

In our day, it didn't happen. No, And in our day, kids didn't shoot up schools. So Russians coming to shoot up schools was fun.

Crazy people talking about war. That was like grandma and Grandpa's stuff. And then all of a sudden, there's a movie where they kill a bunch of kids, and I was like, I'm scared of Russians too.

I almost didn't enjoy a cup spear Enoff till his third album.

That's the reason Rakoffs Muirnoff was introduced to this country was to turn down the effects of the cold. I remember people.

Down and there were Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson.

Was my first seeing a Russian be a positive person, and like there he was the first happy Russian we were ever introduced to.

And that's wrong, you know.

Well, also, you know what's wrong the fact that kids watched that movie because I also watched that movie in the theater and it was so gd boring. I was like, why am I here? This is not for me.

Yeah.

The rest that is them like drinking deer blood and you know, I'll just wait what Patrick Swayze and it's worst.

Are you talking about Moscow on the Hudson Red Dawn?

I was talking about Moscow? Okay, Yeah, which I saw in the theater when I was like twelve, just.

Kim with a shirt off, playing saxophone on a stoop like that's all I am.

Remember.

Yeah, he was so New York. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah see but uh yeah that was.

And that was Russia. No.

If you listen to Iced Teas podcast, and you should, he'll be like, yeah, have.

You seen that that new movie Unbreakable? But yeah, it was good. I liked it. Yeah, that guy's a good actor. Yeah.

And then nice Tea goes, well, that was movies, like he breaks it all down into categories.

And it's just the best.

We should we rip that off?

Yes, I think we should.

We have to have some kind of structure, and we did willy nilly giggle, babbled, giggle the whole time.

That's not we don't even have a commercial this time.

Oh fuck, you know what. We can't say a large march I can say hi to. I'm gonna say her name was one of the follow Zena, Mira Mina, uhs Sarah, a Portland girl named Zara. We have a fan in Portland who introduced herself to me, uh and that I love your podcast and I get so excited when people say that I can't remember, I can't remember. She was everybody Hi zena high if it's you high, and then if it's somebody else that I that she's like, my

That I metirls.

And my kind of clothes, Bill Murray purses. Come on, do we have any other anybody else to think?

We? Who do we have to think? We?

I mean, we could go through. I just thank you for everyone being paid. Sometimes we meet Today, I put up an old episode.

We're gonna oh this is for next week.

Okay, yeah, but I wanted people to listen to the Eddie.

They don't want to though they want new I know.

But it's better than nothing, is what I'm saying.

That's very true.

Complaint. Now I'm mad.

It's just that I'm mad. No, no, I'm mad.

Every once in a while, we can't do an episode. Okay, Karen was gone, so I'll be gone next weekend. So we're going to use this one.

Oh perfect. Oh then that's great. Yeah, so that works out good. You know what, then, thank you for your patience. I understand, as an active podcast listener myself, when you want the new, you want the new because you want your people in your head. I know that feeling.

But as you know, it could like in your lives, things pop up, things happen the day.

It's not you know they there's obstacles in life.

I cannot manage. Are you the person that called me from Inglewood? No I got a call? No, I don't know. I in my mind I immediately pictured you. Something happened in your car and you were calling me from a dirty payphone.

Oh no, no, no, no, I never use those.

Okay, I can't remember what what I'm saying.

Anyway, Well, after you listen to this episode, all you drive heads out there, ride heads.

Ride heads.

No, it's too late as the drive heads.

Okay, all you drive heads out there listening to do you need a drive? Good iTunes? Give us a good rating. Oh it means big business.

Tell people that you think might be this isn't like tell people you think like the same comedy as you try to find people like say in your office who seem unhappy. Yeah, go to them and say, do you ever listen to podcasts? You might want to try this one where these two people gaggle babble yeah, google baggle yeah the whole time and bullshit in a car. It'll make you feel good.

I did a podcast today that's more for dudes. I think the Bone Zone and but man, did we have fun. And it's also on All Things Comedy. We did this thing called the rant Zone where they play metal. Then we go you know what's really and we kept doing it and then Randy like he would turn on the music anyway, that'll be.

Out when I love the bones.

Listen to this and then listen to the Bone Zone for a boy talk because we talk about balls and wianers.

Yeah everything, that's the stuff you really need. Yeah, that's the stuff that hasn't been discussed yet. Balls, wieners, where they need to go, that's where they shouldn't go. All of it. Yeah, let's put it on the table.

Put our balls on the table.

Yeah, that's actually a great Norman Lear quote.

It is a lot of people get credit for it, but that was Norman Lear.

It was normally saying, put put your balls and wieners on the table please before dinner. All right, I guess I should go in there, look at my dogs.

Are looking at dark contos and do a comedy show.

So have fun. What can you just real quick run through your set real.

Quick, I'm going to do I've been depressed. Breakfast in bad is depressing? How am I going to Then I'll do my funeral stuff. And then at the end I was thinking of doing this thing where I pretend to kill myself.

Stay, I never know what I'm.

Doing yet, Nick, Breakfast and bed is one of my favorite jokes ever.

Oh thanks, Yeah, I can't find one to be as good as it yet.

But that's what you aim for, you, that's what you aim to give me something to aim for.

And today, yeah, I visit a friend of mine.

There's a GoFundMe for my friend Andy Ritchie, who's having brain cancer and he's also having some surgeries. I will post a link to that gofund me on my Facebook and Twitter. I think are the best ways to do it. But uh, but look for that after you hear this, and and donate if you can, because he's a sweet guy.

And a lot of and a lot of people get caught out. Nobody expects it when like catastrophic illness hits and then you if you don't have insurance at the time or a gig or whatever, you are so screwed. I think everyone knows this.

And this's insurance bailed on him and something. Come out of the hospital into this care facility and his mom's.

There and it's bad news and he's but he's there.

He's there, and he's like he was trying to talk, but it was like our moms. He's like, he's like, I'm trying, I can't think of the words. He was getting so frustrated.

But did he already have the surgery?

But I yas had four?

Okay, okay, But I could tell that he was in there wanting to communicate and get better, and he I think that he can.

He just needs money and so yeah, and good care.

Yeah, and good care. Hopefully that'll the money. I'll help get the good care.

If you have a little extra these days, which we know no one does. But if you do, or just say your grandmother gave you thirty thousand dollars on her passing that you're like, maybe I'll buy boots. Yeah, maybe I'll buy some kind of weird, dumb thing that in five years you won't care about. How about instead kick kick some shit down to Andy Ritchie. Yeah, who's a good person. And that's his quality of life is stuff.

Yeah, and he needs he needs physical therapy and all that stuff. Oh God forbid, God forbid anyway. So that's that's that's uh, yeah, that's important. So I want to talk about that.

Yeah, so thank you for listening to that portion. Sometimes we'll get serious. We don't give a thought.

On a serious note. How about that? No, well we always have our little honk at the end.

Oh that's truld be You can't honk because Chuck will come out here with a Civil War musket filled with baking soda and whatever something.

Else, dressed like a Southern reenactor.

But my favorite thing was when my dad met Chuck. He couldn't stop laughing because in their conversation, because of course Chuck can have a conversation with a man, in their conversation, he found out that he used to inspect the windshields and airplanes. And if you saw Chuck's eyes, I feel like I've told you this before, but he has the eyes of a person who looks like he's been inspect for tiny cracks all his life, like wild, googly, crazy ass eyes. So my dad's like, you want to

So does he wear does?

Oh? Yeah, he has big, thick glasses, and then his eyes behind the glasses are wild with n a rage.

That's amazing.

It's pretty crazy.

I'm worried that his lights are out and we're disturbing him. I really want him to be on my side during the zombie apocalyps.

He we're gonna have to. It's gonna have to be like a big monologue from me to get him on our side. But we don't worry about it until that day because I literally don't talk to him because he's the kind of person that puts the rock out and he's he's real nosy, and he's he's just not a nice person and he's racist, but so is everybody that's eighty Yeah, pretty much. Well, all right, we've solved it.

He's probably a good guy deep down.

I bet deep down it's like much like Radley, he's misunderstood.

I loved Boo Radley just.

Like Missy Misdemeanor la elligant, he's misunderstood.

I want to meet a Boo Radley that carves the little toys for me and leaves them in my tree.

Let's see, that's the sweetest.

Can you imagine if someone left you treat tiny handmade toys in a tree. That's how much he.

Loved you, even when I was a kid. I see something like that, I sniff it out. I know the guy's a petterass.

You leave me toys, you're about.

To meet my dad's fists, you'd say to him. No one makes me toys except my dad, and he did.

And everyone's like, God, damn it, Chris, you're ruining our toy tree.

Not so much carving.

He just chopped up old two by four's and made shapes and I played with them. Get the occasional splinter, But I was happy to have those toys.

You played literal stick men, they did.

Oh those were the days. Oh shit, Well, I gotta get out of here.

It's good to see you okay, by, have a great show.

You've been listening to. Do you need a rob?

Oh?

Yeah? Why a R? Nice?

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

And give us time and a termino and gay.

We want to send you off inside.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about every scared he was? It fine now porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need do around? Do you mean.

With Karen and Cress

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