Ep. 70 - Classic Episode: Eddie Pepitone

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a Turnino and gay. We want to send you off inside.

Do you wanna.

Welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it?

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride? Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. I'm about to jump in the car with Karen Kilgareff. We are late to pick up Eddie Pepatone. His actually his flight came in early. It's not our fault. Hi just doing that and then I'll give you your mite. It's impossible and there's that, got it. Everything's impossible, right, Everything's impossible.

That's my new approach.

I guess if you just expect everything to be impossible, you'll never be disappointed. And they've been doing. First of all, American Airlines is no sponsor. Oh do you need a round?

Oh?

Are you calling him out?

Well?

Are we about to do this corporate thing?

It's a little frustrating. How could he be an almost an hour earlier?

I know, Well, that's the thing you never planned for, is like something great to happen with the airport, right.

I yes.

I mean that's the worst place on earth. It's the opposite of Disneyland. It's everyone hates going there, and we've decided that's where our podcast will often be driving to. Of course we don't actually get out and go there, but we have to go there.

We have to get into it.

We have to drive into all these people.

And also I think it creates that tension. People sitting in a podcast studio booth won't ever have this kind of emotional, dramatic tension that we have every episode.

Chris, I am legitimately frustrated. Negative feelings are surging through me, and I'm glad I can just bring it to people.

Always there's Eddie.

Hold on, he's calling. It's probably mad and hold on hello hello.

Wait ship sorry.

Hello, Yes, so I'm here.

Yes, I'm a terminal four.

And if you are you.

Close, we are close.

We are like eight minutes away.

We're already recording or less.

Yeah, you're you're being recorded right now.

External And I think it says out on the door.

Okay, okay, sometimes it does.

We'll just keep your eye open for you. Yeah. Let try to wave your hat around in the air and.

Great, okay, so you'll see me.

Your podcast hot, okay, great, Yeah, and definitely be better better in the car than you.

Are right now, the higher energy.

I'm just kidding, Eddie.

I hope, I hope.

In addition, I hope he was patiently waiting. We can assume he was impatiently waiting. That's a long time to sit there.

Well, he's he was taxing when he called me, and I miraculously just made it up the one on one and over the four or five in I think twelve minutes to get to your house.

That you must have been driving like a lunatic.

I did scream stop breaking. At one point. Everyone in front of me seemed to just be breaking for no reason.

And did they react to your screams?

No, no, No, that was that was only on me.

That's the lesson you never learned in a car like that, is that you're just making your own environment toxic.

Yeah, and exactly the negativity that I scream at others, I'm only screaming at myself.

It's bouncing back.

But it does feel good in the moment, because like if you're just if you're going downhill on the four or five and all the traffic is going, well, don't put on your brakes.

I think it's because everyone's stoned all the time.

I think, yeah, it's because we got legal. I blame that for a lot of swear about your breaking.

That weird kind of tippy tappy breaking where you're just like it's for nothing.

Amen, are you paranoid?

Amen?

Did you get a bad bag of stuff? I know about as much about we eat as a seventies cop.

You've got a bad strain of the grass.

You know, reefer kills, right, I mean while you're driving, if you break too much, someone could hit you and then they have something to do with you dying. But anyway, I'm from.

The seventh Associated for sure, and I have a mustache, not badge. Can we just talk very quickly about hilariously vacant I was at the end of our Howard Kramer podcast.

I really did doun on you.

You should I don't think that you should get down on yourself phone never.

We should never look back every.

Once in a while, like yours, did, my brain will completely shut down and I will have a look of fear on my face, which I don't I don't remember if you recall, it was like you had seen a ghost in the road.

Yeah, road ghosts probably the worst road ghost. Road ghost?

Where else are they? Gonnaunt?

Get out of here, you get.

Clipped on your bike and you die on the curb side. You better haunt that street.

You better like that shirt you wore, because you're wearing it for eternity.

It's really it's such a bad gig of your ghost haunting an intersection because all you can really do is mess with the lights.

Yeah, and just kind of spook people on a rainy night. Yeah, yeah, hopefully you're in a nightgown.

It adds something.

I guess.

I bet the most popular haunt for a street ghost it's to make puddles splash people.

Then it's more like a street ghost prank. And it doesn't have the kind of weight that you want as a ghost.

And I guess a ghost doesn't have the ability to move a puddle in front of a person or make a car show up.

So hard to say though, who knows what those ghosts can do?

Christmas Angels you know we take a left here.

What okay?

Yeah?

Are you just naming other things?

I'm just saying some dead some apparitions are able to conjure up puddles in front of a person standing there with a brand new jacket.

That's Happening's what you're saying, is it's happening.

Yes, your average street ghost does not have that higher up ability.

They're just lost, but they have died here what happened.

No one will acknowledge me since my funeral, which I recall, but I haven't put them together. And he seemed in good spirits.

I've known Eddie for a while and as you can tell by my half apologetic, half doubling down on just rubbing salt in the wound, which is very much my style.

Eddie and I have, so I like it, take them while they're waiting.

It.

Eddie and I have that kind of we're real talkers. I'd say you keep it real. I like to think we keep it real because we both think it's funny to be insulted, like I like to think, Mic ready, oh yeah, good.

Idea, because we are gonna just pick him up. I'm hunched over. I have the mic chuck between my legs like an electronic penis.

You know what I enjoyed, Chris.

Electronic penis?

Yes, perfect set up, knockdown. It's that.

Every time I re listen to this podcast and really quickly sidebarring, thank you so much for listening to this podcast, all of you who do we really.

Like that and if we can ask for you to more than listen to it and to rate it on.

iTunes, Oh, don't be afraid on iTunes.

If yes, positive rating would be even better than a mediocre one.

And we're a bad you currently hat what you're listening to, in which case I can't argue that don't just don't give us a negative rating. I don't know how much how many podcasts get that.

I'd prefer your apathy then your action against test it. I'm gonna try to scream into it and then try to whisper into it.

Yeah, yeah, that's how it's going to get with Eddie Pepatone. I am going to have to be adjusting the ones and twoes because that guy has some range. So I'm gonna be you know, when he gets into it as soon as he mentions molestation.

Or Barbara Barbara in the other room, is one of my favorite things.

As soon as he's doing any kind of impression of a lounge singer, I'm gonna keep I'm gonna have to be on them because I know he'll be low and then he's gonna have a non flashback.

You're going to be sliding those levels around like a regular fill in the blank of a person who is a famous music And now.

Have you been hanging out with DJs? Where did you learn all that specific jargon?

I know downs, I know many specialized nouns.

I know many specimens of nouns.

I have brags. I have brags all day long.

And by the way, at the end of the last podcast, you didn't shut down. I was in a riff session with someone that and it was all inside jokes. What are you going to be?

Are you?

But I also, hey, I was there too, of you guys.

I was in Austin between the years of nineteen ninety eight and two thousand and you know, there's.

Something about Howard Kramer.

Though he's a special spirit, he affects me in a different way.

I think, is this a It's not romantic?

Is it? Well?

I think no, it's not.

I mean I hesitated only.

Because I absolutely love him, but it's I think Howard he's one of the and you would fit into this category two of like a comedian who's also manly, like actually dudish and manly.

Yeah you hear that that many now that you related me to it, Now I'm starting.

To see how you see him, you know what I mean?

Like a masculine is a high school feeling to it that I really like me.

He's very funny but also a chiseled Uh, it's kind of a physical specimen.

Yeah.

So yeah, it is hard to podcast with those times.

It's hard, you know why because most of the time I'm like this rabid raccoon that's just trying to out riff everybody.

But sometimes I want to be a pretty girl. I would like to be a pretty girl sometimes love love.

He's not he has rabies, but he's not going to bite you. He's just going to joke.

He's gonna try to beat your joke, which is so unattractive.

What's this abunch of garbage in a trash can?

Yeah, more like that's what you are, Army family.

Yeah, you garbage in a trash can.

Go way, raccoon, You're the worst.

The riffing raccoon is doing political ship.

Now the riffing raccoon has lost his way.

He started out so legit just garbage stuff and like nighttime stuff, raccoon stuff.

Watching is.

I can't how come no one's addressing people talk about monkeys all day. No one is addressing the fact that raccoons have thumbs. I've seen their their little tiny black hands. I've seen them scoop and run with cat food.

And video one of the best videos.

That's the best video.

It's the best.

Also, have you seen the raccoon the picture of the raccoon holding the kitten, standing up on his legs holding a kitten like a babysitter.

It's the cutest thing.

I don't know what's he about to bite it in half? Because raccoons and cats don't mix.

We don't know. We just don't know.

I'm being racist maybe, but yeah, you that was a great already though, this is our best episode and we don't even have a guest in the We're on firing on all cylinders and I'm not and I'm trying. That's before I even bring up the engine, which is firing on.

All cylinders but doesn't have a housing in the oil pan.

Please remember, right, there is risk involved that we have some tension that we're taking on stage with us exactly.

And we're now very close to lax.

We're not close. We are late, but we are so close and.

We're not late. Eddie was early, which is so irritating.

I need to keep I remember I said it, I predicted it.

You did predict it on the phone.

It is creepy. I'm like, I have a feeling about this. Yeah, I have a of a nut of trying to think of someone on a famous example of superstition. But anyway, just any.

Super like like like, don't black cat crossing your path?

Yeah, I have a real like show up early because this is like stepping on a crack and your mom's.

Back right, right, right right. Don't put your hat on the bed. That's one of my favorites.

Yeah, don't you on the bed.

Right when Eddie gets in and takes off the hat that he will be wearing, let's just say, hey, don't put that on the bed.

Please don't put it on the bed. And there is a sheet on the back seat to cover the dog.

Here, I'll just.

Be revealing that you sometimes sleep in your car. I mean the back seat of my car.

Sometimes I like to go just to park on a different city street.

It may or may not be in front of Howard Cramer's house and sleep. That's all. This is not true, that is all. I don't have feelings power.

Sake of joking. She's not really attracted to Howard. She's just acknowledged.

I mean, I might be attracted to him, but I don't have a feeling.

We can tell he's handsome.

Everybody knows he's handsome.

I just said, we I guess I am too.

You're attracted to him or you're handsome too.

Well.

During the podcast, I felt intimidated because I'm attracted to his It's present. It's like a guy being attracted to I want to be like this guy in these ways. It's not a let's get naked friend, it's a I wish that I might, you know. And we started making fun of our own podcast. I know yours has a format and studio.

And that's so unattracted and yeah, yes, no power moves. You know why, because Howard is an alpha.

That's what it is.

He's alpha all the way. So you find yourself, you know what I mean? I might as well, have like been standing pigeon toed, like looking down at the ground. It's so not me, but like it's just the effect that alpha.

Not a lot of. And that's not to says mean to freshman high school freshman. I think he would be he would he'd make Oh and we're gonna get.

Right in here, yep, right here, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all you've done it all the time entering l an. She's done it about a thousand times. But I had to tell her.

And it's American, which is eternal four. So is that on the other side.

Yeah, it is? Indeed, is that is that him?

Again?

I don't know it is?

Hello, hold on, hold on, hold on, No, you stay on this side, Yes, stay by the terminal side. We are we just we're just making the loop right now. We're moments away from you.

Yeah, yes, okay, yes, yes, we'll be there within three minutes.

Okay.

That sounds amazing. That's I just figured out how we should be recording our podcast. I stand at the airport terminal. You put me on speaker phone.

It just sounded so great.

Yeah, real, well it's I hopefully he's uh, he's tired.

I imagine he's very tired.

But the question he was asking is kind of hilarious because he was basically saying, should I go stand.

Where all the people that are trying to take a super shuttle?

Yeah? Yeah, no, that would be bad, very bad, He's like, and then we would just stop in the row. I guess we could pull it off, but people would yell at us. Yeah here at la God, it washes over me right when I enter this shipthle. I really don't like being here, and it's part of my job. It's okay, you're right.

Breathe Just some nice is it?

In the nose or out the nose?

Through the nose, out the mouth, in blue out red, in blue out red, and we're coming up on.

Feel better shuttle?

I feel better?

Yeah, No, it's gonna be fine.

What are you doing? Squarely, Just because you have a lime green car doesn't mean we're gonna see you in our peripheral.

Very loud.

I hope that wasn't gun fire. Oh this place, this place really stresses me out. This is crazy. Terminal four will be on the other side. I'm afraid we have to cut past.

But we don't do that cut through because that would be bad.

No, No, that would be bad. I think we actually have to do this loop and go past International, which you know I don't.

It sucks.

It's Europeans.

It's kind of stopped going to Europeans.

Oh, there's gonna be so many manned sandals and high waisted shorts.

Why is everyone stopped? This makes us a liar. About three minutes, It's okay, it's gonna be more like four or five.

Calmback, wait, let's just let the three minutes pass.

Okay before we warn him?

No anxiety. He is such a fascinating thing. Look at this guy.

What, oh, just be sideways park Cat l a X phone number one eight nine one zero seven seven five's about to find out how they're driving.

Was It was not good, it was bad. I didn't like it.

I guess that that was a phone number for Actually we just advertised for them. That wasn't a phone number.

You know what park cat park hat shuttle at Lax when you want your shuttle as sideways as all hell.

And stopped in traffic at slip Dickens.

Oh. I just wish Eddie could see how close we were.

I wish he could see how great his episode was.

That we spent the whole time talking about Howard Greaver.

Oh well, well, well, what's the opposite of an alpha? What am I?

Uh?

An omega?

An omega dog? Is that a thing?

Is that you're the omega man?

Am I a sigma pie? Alpha? Uh? Cap and cappuccino?

Well, you're you're not. You're very alpha. You like a good fist fight.

Oh sorry, there was a time.

Do you want a moment?

No, it's just that it's a long time ago. I was like, what's the most uh, you know, high strung fraternity? It's Kapa cappuccino?

Did you do that on stage?

No? No, it was in fourth or fifth grade. Yeah. It was early Montana, early Montana comedy, before there was a stage, before I knew what I was doing. Unlike today, professional nail that nightly, I pound that ship out. I'm talking about comedy.

We are talking about comedy.

That's not the ladies, which I also occasionally pound.

You're not afraid to pound a lady, Chris.

It sounds violent, but I just don't know to use words.

Wait a, there are other things we could tell our listeners to like do or oh the do you need to ride? Fan tweet on Twitter if you're on Twitter and you like it, and yeah.

And I believe there's a Facebook page.

As well, there is a Facebook page.

You're not a facebooker.

I don't Facebook.

That's okay. Not everyone needs to, No, I don't.

I feel like less is more on Facebook. Yeah, thoughts and prayers on Facebook.

I just I do know. I get a lot of local gigs in town on Facebook. Might be yes for booking a majority of them.

I can barely show up to the shows I agree to do. I don't need more.

Well, I agree to them on Facebook, and the Facebook has nothing to do with whether or not I show up. That's on me. Okay, that's on me and my record. Honda sponsor. Do you need a ride?

You?

Sorry? Do you need a ride?

Do you need a ride?

That was good?

Okay?

Too much?

Need a ride to do capital dooeople ruining everything?

You're really messing up our episode.

But we're so close. I can see American lines. Oh yeah, you just have to get in there. How do I do it?

I'm gonna have to get you. I'm gonna have to get old school New York cab driver.

Yeah, I mean this guy's doing it. There's a cab driver right here, getting new school La, you get old school New York on him.

We're gonna do an East coast West coast rivalry. Someone will be shot. Yeah, hey, how about Suge Night running.

Over some people? This is the new Oh yeah, yeah, oh, I.

Don't mean to go topical. I messed up what that was that.

I thought that was an old news issue because it hasn't he always been.

He's been killing for a while.

Yeah. Yeah, he didn't have something to do with the last time I got in trouble because the Biggie Tupac thing. I don't know who was killed in from of the Automotive Museum. Sorry, you don't memorize depths. I focus on positive things. Let's get in there. It's just a member aggression.

Yes, I respect you. I like it.

Damn it. Why is that now? It needs to be an Inny. Oh, We're we're getting in there. That's right. I called him at dor Oh.

Hello, officer, Hello, officer.

Okay, where is Eddie? Let's see here. I do not recognize any of.

These, he said eleven something.

Yeah, we should have listened to that.

Is this an orthodox Eddie standing here with the huge there?

He is there, he is I'm gonna wave at him that yeah, yeah, yeah, Hi hop on in. Oh he needs help, Okay, I can unplugged.

We can't help you, yeah, or or do you need to go in the backpack.

I'm all shouting very loudly.

I have my recording studio in my lap.

And sorry, OK.

Here you go Eddie.

Hey, everybody, it's a great day to be uh in an air force.

It's really it's they arrange it so well. There's a terrific flow to the traffic to flow.

We'd like to try to but if you're you know, out of your uncomfortable.

I can kick up this ac for you.

I'm we We're so sorry that we're late. But the only is your flight was.

So flight was early, and I got a couple of its so funny that I when I get when I are we taping.

We are?

Indeed, when I got off the plane, it was so fucking movie. First of all, I did too. Show was last night in Toronto, and I had to be at the airport at about four for six am flight. So I did not sleep. I didn't sleepy even try. I did try, but I didn't eat anything. But like a couple of you know, it's trying to be good. I had like little trail mix, you know of little cranberries are very good, you.

Know, the little dried cranberries. Everybody loves them.

I think I'd like to be the spokesperson for dried cranberries the way the way Cober.

I prefer them to cabs, iperson, what would that sound like?

Yeah, for dried cranberries, commercial cranberries, commercial dried cranberry. For dry cranberries. Yes, you know, you know, traveling is difficult, very difficult, and there's a lot of temptation to eat salty, fatty, heart clogging foods.

Dried right.

Take to Betty. Take two, Eddie. First of all, we wanted to be a little up at eat. We wanted to be up, not like you know. It's a ted talk. So here we go again with dry cranberries. And here you try and speak quickly. Tried cranberries they make travel better.

Eat them?

Do it now, I'm the bitter booted do it.

It's a little angry. I don't know you're right about that.

Take three, Hey, are you traveling and going nuts? I know I am. I can't eat. I can't eat half of this stuff.

But try cranberries went put in with regular nuts. Make them sweeter, don't they? They sure do, And travel goes a lot faster, at least the first half hour. Ah, the second six hours not so fast.

But try dried cranberries, do it?

Brought you get to the council for people who like dried cranberries.

But what.

He was saying is that, you know, I've been trying to eat vegan and I've been doing well. But what but I lose my ship on these flights. As soon as I got off this flight, I went and got a whole pizza while I was waiting for you guys, like one of those little boxed pizzas in the airports, a.

Personal, personal, personal pizza, and I ate about four slices of that with the diet coke.

And then I had a chocolate croissant, and then and then I have a coffee, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I.

Feel a lot better. I feel a lot better.

Cranberries aren't going to help you.

No, Cranberries don't do it when you're like ravenously insanely hungry.

Yeah, you've had an entire day of flying. That dried cranberry is as delicious and convenient as they are for travel or not going to sustain your energy levels. No, that's I don't you know.

You may got an argument from the Cranberry bog people who I understand are hearty and angry.

You know what, I'll take them on any day, you know what. Yeah, I'll take on the Cranberry.

I'm sick of those people, a commissile for their stupid juice.

With those two shoes that farmers they already did.

They stole it from Burtles and James by the way.

Yeah, isn't it funny how these you know, these monolithic corporations, they get bigger and bigger, and yet their front men are two horrific actors, you know from Van Nuys, pretending to be farmers. There aren't no more farmers anymore. There's just machines that eat people. And Monsanto's seeds, you know, Monsanto.

It's like a big seed, half seed, half person. That's that's planting things.

I think in the in the near future because of Montanto, you know, with the GMOs and stuff. I think pretty soon you're just gonna get a knock on your door. It's going to be like a fucking piece of corn with a gun that because they're they.

Don't know what they're doing. The corn doesn't know the corn.

Does you feel they're going to modify it to the point where it has feelings and.

The like computers. Anybody's worried about the computers taking over the world.

I really think food it's gonna be like, hey, Bob, did you see that piece of corn?

Move that piece of corn?

Take my wallet that you write this down and send it to Pixar and through the mail, through the mail, so that you own this idea. Because the corn wars is your idea.

Just crack it up and then.

Corns Pixar do that? Would they confront?

Could they do it?

They could? Would they should? They? I mean toy with me after sleep?

Oh, I can't get the idea of a giant corn with a little husk grabbing and then it kind of turns to a hand and they pick up a firearm.

I think it would be I think it would be easy to do.

The characters like like the bad corn is sort of sort of like bad sopranos, guys and for you guys maybe, and then there's and then there's the renegade corn. Maybe the organic corn that's trying to save the war, like they're the good guy.

Yeah, the organic corn would look like the Thanksgiving cornucopia corn. It's just like different colors because they're different colors. Yeah, I think it should be a Native American doing it always.

You know, you're right about that. It should be a Native American.

I mean, does it get more organic than that? I hate to take it to a you know, but white people kick them out of this country. Sorry, I didn't mean to take it that far.

No, no, no, I I I really think we did.

I mean I every day I watch a video or recreation of the Trail of Tears, just.

Just you know, to get the day started.

To check, kick start to be grateful.

I think you have to look at other people's atrocities to be grateful, you know, because it so hard to like, you know, I'm a big guy who makes gratitude less well, once a year I do it. But when I make one, it's always like, oh, I'm so glad I have sneakers. It doesn't you really, that doesn't cut it all. I'm glad my elbow is working right, you know. It's like that doesn't cut it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not achieving the things in life, I need to achieve. And that's when I watch Maury Povich.

And then you realize, yeah, he's still on the air.

I so doing paternity tests everything. And then I'm like, I'm doing great? Why was I so hard on myself?

Oh?

I see, Look it's got like just the just people who their lives are just such a mess.

Just the bottom dwellers of society, the bottom wheelers, perhaps the bottom dwellers, bottom feeders they call down there because that's where they feed, thank sand dabs of society down there eating shitty.

How does Povich go home like like and you and I bet he fancies himself like an aerudite intellectual like like in his head, that's my job, like and then he goes home to a like a nice sands or wine and you know.

And Connie Chung right doesn't.

Think so they're making it work.

Still, Wow, does she ask about his day?

I doubt it.

You know what that both of them are.

She's a journalist. He tells people whether or not the baby came from their their DNA.

Who's they're both on tons of pills. It doesn't matter. They're both tons of pills.

You read that.

No, I'm it's completely made up. But you know those are eyes, both of them and dead eyes.

They're like dolls.

There's dolls.

Well they have to be, don't you think. Don't you think Hollywood? If you call that Hollywood like takes its toll on you. Like the show you do? Like the show you do? You say, oh, it's just a job, it's just a job. But if it's a horrific thing, they have to where you're watching the bottom dwellers and you're profiting of them.

Yeah, I think it nips away.

It has to, and I know it did to Jerry Springer because there's a there's a girl in town, Lisa Gotman. She we did laugh Rights together for whatever reason. Her family was very close to Jerry Springer. And he was a sweet man and he was a smart man. He used to be a mayor of a town. And then he's basically doing is violent pornography on his talk show?

Is doing that now?

Oh? Oh, I think I am talking about expired television. Yeah, but everyone remember it's yeah, he's like, oh and that's cue the Oh that's where her brass strap comes down and we pixel later Oh and then she punches.

Okay, I call it the momentum of evil and it ties into the Cranberry commercials Now, eventually it will we put.

Up a little very no problem. Yeah, we am working on no sleeps.

Year, a lot of it.

It's not as simple as thing. We aren't just giving rides. You are very much doing as a service by being on our podcast, and we really appreciate it.

Oh by the way, this is great though, because it saves me about one hundred dollars. Yeah, right right, And my last though before you came was do they charge?

Yeah?

That charge we charged and fifty dollars.

Maybe maybe that's I keep saying we should get a sponsor like Dollar Shave Club or whatever. A lot of these podcasts have Razor Blade sponsors for some reason. Maybe they consider it a plan B if they want to.

May I make a suggestion that if you guys become part of Uber, you could bank so many episodes, you know, in one week. Like everybody who gets in the cab, you just thrust a mic to them, not like Cab Confessions or anything, but just.

Like you're just saying, any any man off the street, Johnny Lunch, Pale Eye Street, I.

Don't want to deal with civilians.

Edit you know you don't want to do that on your podcast?

Do you think I don't do it?

But I think this type of it's okay for us to do.

I think you wouldn't have them in your studio, but I haven't.

You wouldn't shoplift, you wouldn't steal a car.

I don't know.

I don't think you know me. You know, when I'm pushed into a corner, I will.

Pirates some ship.

You will get into a stranger's car, is what he's saying.

You will evil.

Make some money.

But yeah, you're you want to get sponsored by Uber and and it would be a comic that we we want to have control over the guests still, but then we just mentioned a code that you'd punch in or something. Come on Uber, they're listening. You know they're listening.

You know they listened every episode.

Now look at it. Some interesting billboards? Does does? Does the Chappie billboard look interesting to you?

The Chappy?

I just saw the trailer for Chappie last night.

You saw it?

Yes?

Did it look?

I literally can't remember one thing about it.

The fact that it was like a horror movie that was called Chappie And they laughed so hard.

That's a horrible name.

That's well, I disagree with you, Chris, and I don't mean to do it on the road. But I feel like I feel like when you put I put like a name that doesn't signify you know what, the horror I think it has more of an impact. It's like it's like when they use children in horror movies like that, like it's always a bad.

Time when a child says, can I have a glass of water? In a horror movie? Because you know shit is going to go down quickly?

You're right, And you go to see Chappy and you're like, what a lighthearted the English rump?

I'm about a friend.

No, it's about someone's face melting.

Yeah?

Wait, no?

Is that the one is choppy? The one by the guy that did District nine about robots?

Oh?

Yeah, the poster looked really good.

I based all the movies I go on now on the poster or the billboard.

I woun't see a trailer. I won't read a review.

It's like if the poster doesn't hit me right, it's like, no, I'm usually right.

But really, I think I know from the trailer I remember seeing it. Now, isn't it just a rip off of short circuit. Now I don't like it's true. I mean, oh, a robot with feelings orange juice, not from concentrate, like he was learning about how the human works. And that's what this movie is.

Number five is Alive and that number five Alive.

And there was the Middle Eastern guy or he's Indian in it. I thought he was so funny, and then I see him in another movie and I realize he's doing a horrible impression. He's totally just a white guy.

My number favorites in life.

That and I think they darkened his face a little. I mean, don't don't I mean that we have rules.

There wasn't the Internet. It was people didn't know that hurt people's people's feelings.

It was I'll tell you a ship like that goes on. When I used to audition for commercials, I don't anymore. But when I used to audition, they were looking for a bald guy to do some fucking horrible thing like anal leakage whatever it was.

And by the way, that was my last audition. I'm serious. It was for a thing that stopped anal leakage.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Have you remember that ship? I remember that there was Chris you do, I remember.

Blocking, which kind of is what that medication did.

Okay, so medic This was the last commercial I ever went into in my fat's annoy last one, and and I go in and it's so humiliate like and I'm just doing it because I'm broke, and I'm like, my my fucking commercial agent is this really sweet woman who's very gunn ho and always saying, look, one of these things could change, right.

So I had a couple of commercials changed my.

Year, Yeah, your year of it?

Yeah? Yeah?

But what's your name? Changed her life? Courtney the progressive woman.

Yes, changed a lot of people.

You know, she.

Rebounded pretty well off a very very bad uh.

First of all, image and drug problem she's.

Doing he knows, he knows.

Yeah.

Her first nose was rough.

Yeah, this one's more slope, like a ski jump. Quickly I went I was so.

Humiliated in the first place. But then the motherfucking director I was reading the copy wrong for some reason, like I was fucking up one of the words, and he got he got literally like kind of slammed his hand down.

Adition.

Yeah, yeah, he was like, god, damn it like now you can imagine it's sort of like Mary Polvish.

These guys get chipped away.

If this is what they're doing with their lives, like a leaggage and what's the what's another commercial? You know, like a thing to make your heart stop?

Whatever they do.

He directed the viagraa jam band when he's accession.

He thought that. He thought it was like I'm on my way.

Yeah, guys, you're just you're blues. You're doing the blues making yeah, and you okay.

So it's funny.

We're talking about this today because it's Super Bowl Sunday, and today's the day where everybody thinks these commercials are going to be so do you guys know this?

Right on Super Bowl.

Sunday they have the fucking commercials that are supposed to be so great and they turn out to be pretty bad.

Yeah. Yeah, I've already seen some of them. They're like, ooh, sneak peek at the puppy who hangs out with the Clydesdale Budweiser don't drive drunk.

Someone told me I should see that one. Isn't that funny, It's it's adorable.

It's just it is not No, it's like a puppy and the horse takes a liking to it. It gets out of the barn and all these and then a wolf is trying to kill the puppy, and then all the courses, all the Clydesdales gallop over and they scare away the wolf. And then it says Budweiser, drink responsibly.

And did you hear about Go Daddy doing anything where a puppet puppy gets shipped And they had to.

Pull the commercial. Oh, Go Daddy, which is a scumbag.

Yeah there, cumbag corporation run by a CEO who does big game hunting.

I think, don't I get the money? I think I give the money it before my website and I don't even know why.

So I think Go Daddy sells right.

That's there was Oh yeah, and they always have like, you know, chicks and bikinis for no fucking reason.

But but they had a they had a Super Bowl lad.

Where a puppy finds its way home and this this elderly woman grabs its say I'm so glad you're here because I'm gonna ship you because someone wants to buy you a tida. And all these organizations crazy boycot it and they had to pull it within hours.

I'm glad they did. I believed that people would be stupid enough to see that and go, well, now I figured out how I get my knee a puppy, No, what's it take? One day? Poke holes in it, just like I did with my spider jars. And then this kid. Can you imagine a kid a puppy and it's just a dead puppy and what's in the box?

Somehow the puppy got beheaded, head in a box.

Go, Daddy's sending you a message.

Now that would go viral, that would.

Be by I'm in the commercial world. What we're trying to say is the commercial world is a blood bath.

It is amazing.

Well, I wish I knew what you said instead of anal leka. You're like when I got the Mad Squirts.

Dermit, the worlds.

Were chosen and for a reason.

But I can't believe I didn't, like tell the guy to go fuck himself.

But I regret. I regret that I didn't do that.

I have said things in commercial and then I don't get seen by that casting company. But there's plenty of down at two hundred itself.

Do you still go out for them.

I do.

Yeah, I won't.

I won't know unless they ask, unless they're like Eddie, they want you blah blah blah. And if it's a decent fucking product, like if it's Dorito's.

Well, unlike you, how are you doing on temperature because I'm freezing and I can't feel my feet.

A big difference, I'll tell you. And this always irks me a little bit.

There's a big difference between the front and back of cars as far as they see.

Yeah, yeah, unless you have Yeah, well, it's also dangerous. I got a horrible rack in a Honda Fit and I can't wait for you to buy something more like a Danali.

Oh yes, I'll be safe.

And then also air will shoot out into passengers.

Now, Karen, do you have donkeys? I do? Ye two oh.

But I also collect dog hair and spread it on the back.

Yeah, it's everywhere I that hair is.

The is the embedded kind that doesn't fly around. It will not come off. I've gone at.

It with like lint rollers, had high powered vacuums.

It's not moving birds from a field in your sock on your shoelace.

Yeah, they're like ticks.

You have cats? Yeah, you have both?

Okay, yeah, man, I I I have a menagerie of animals. I've become doolittle ish a bit. You know where I walk in and I'm like, Hello, Sherman. These are all the names of the pets. Hello Sherman, Hello Charlotte, Hello Katie, Hello Louis. It's seven animals I live with.

Do they ever go hello?

It feels like my friend, you.

Ever get a tip of the hat.

What we're describing here is delusions caused by possible mental illness, yes, because animals don't, and no offense. I just but if your pets are talking to you, I don't know. You might want to see a guy.

See guy, Yeah, just a guy.

But I see a guy who's sympathetic to cats, and so it goes nowhere, right.

Okay, ask your cat for me if he likes me.

Yeah, it's just a doctor. You think it's going to help you, or a therapist. It's like, hey, I get it. I'm a cat man too, And then you just high five. I am a cat man myself. I love cats.

Oh you do you? I remember that?

Yeah?

Yeah? Dogs.

Can I say a thing that I should have to do? It?

Fifteen seconds ago, high five and then Bob seekers Catman do play ship. Imagine if that was right, I'm a cat man too. Will you text me your address so that we can I can put it in my mouth.

Oh right, you want to text it?

Yeah, because if you say out loud people wait outside your house.

You will You're already you will get murdered by our fans.

Already have several people outside my place.

What are they doing?

Oh? They just they're just like, please do the bit about And it's just annoying at this point.

It's hard to live your life.

It's hard.

Thank you.

I think you know that, all right, if you just yeah, and then we'll and I will.

I will read.

It off of your text, good idea, and I will transcribe it into a map navigation on my phone, and then we'll.

Use the hand signals we've pre rehearsed right silent hand signals, we get.

It, which is basically just I point left right just while you're wait. Oh sorry, no, no, I was just going to thank him at a weird time for being on the podcast. Hey, that guy has no father of mine? You that ever clear song? He had kids in the car and he almost side swiped.

It for the aerostar, tried to come all the way over.

Yeah, really nice, Eddie?

Where were you?

I just came from Toronto?

Was that an i Atlas gig Oh?

I heard that name when I was out there, but you.

Know, I've been talking to him. I'd like to go to Toronto.

How was it, oh Man? This place called the Comedy Comedy Underground. I've heard who is super fucking great. That's great, like like they're really really into it, you know what I mean.

And I like Canadians in general.

Yeah, I mean so I always had fun to go.

That broad but it's a positive thing, So it's okay. I love all Canadians, all of them.

Canadians are the greatest.

They are the best of the crew. Except yeah, what is it? They're really good natured.

They're just so goddamn reasonable.

Yeah, they're mellow.

I never see him stressed out up there.

Yeah, yeah, it's clean. Well, I well, I was in the winter, man. It's so funny. I've been doing this. I've been doing this the last couple of months have been go I want to like fucking Chicago.

Rochester, New York City. Going from brutal snowy weather to La and it's so fucking funny. I like it. I do too.

Do you like the snow?

I like I do. I like I like the cold weather, especially to ban out here.

Yeah.

Yeah, in uh, I don't know, Land of the Eternal Sunshine.

Yeah. No seasons, no, no seasons, time passing except birthday. My birthday is in a couple of days.

By the happy birthday.

I just plug that.

February fifth, everybody.

Thank you.

February fifth. Yep, yep, very nice. That's a super birthday.

But yeah, but when you're up there in Canadia, but they just uh, they just are relaxed all the time.

I think, are they smart? I mean, like smarter than your average.

No one accuses them of being the smartest. But that's not why you're there, that's not.

Look, this is my theory.

If you're less stressed, you're smarter because stress, you know, stress, and it just creates all this bullshit that gets in the way of you thinking.

Yeah, contactive reasoning and things like that.

I also think it's kind of cool to be smart in Canada, whereas here it's like football and like I'm going to be on American Idol.

But like up there, I remember my friend Christine Gooden in high school.

She had Canadian cousins that came to visit and I was I was totally in love with her one cousin who was probably like twenty two, and he brought a scientific American with him.

I thought that was the most I couldn't get over it.

It was like made me weak in the knees because I've never seen a guy be like kind of in.

My on my own time.

I'm going to pursue the scientific.

Arts by days off, I'm going to go to my own school.

Yes, I'm going to go to extra school because there's nothing like that in my world up until that point.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

It's just it's nice though, and they're great comedy fans, and.

It's just really appreciative because I.

Guess, you know, there's smaller places and they don't get a lot of well they do, but.

Not often.

I think, Yeah, so they're appreciative.

Appreciative.

Yeah, how my commercial editions would go. So they're appreciative, right, Eddie. Can you get to.

That word appreciative because I think that's what's on the paper.

So it's aintal leak it, know, Eddie, isn't that what it is? This potato chip is supposed to stop?

No, it's it's funny you said potato chicken wasn't experience. I experienced dandel Lay Kitchen and it was from o Lean.

Oh oil that they would use that. That is what didn't product was all about.

Yeah, this's like, hey, do you still like eating potato chips with I think it was manufactured moncio.

You go out for this spot?

No, no, but I I am Eddie announced the time to tell you I was the director. I was wearing glasses and a scarf, so you know, recognize me and I'm sorry. I got mad at you.

Let me have a real apology.

Here is what he did. He came in and he's like, I'm a I'm a man with a family. When you get the squirts, and.

I was like, the squirts?

The who is this guy?

Read the read the board. It's on the board.

I'm sorry, I'm from an improv troup.

As we speak.

Well, I'm no ending you because I'm the director. I said, no ending.

You got that address?

Oh? Another one one south right? Yeah?

Yeah.

Another Another thing I hated about these fucking commercials was that they were always directed by Brits and these horrible little piece of ship spots and and and they would and and and this guy this, these British guys would always be like, all right, if you could just kind of look away when she says camcorder and like like like he had this to me, you had this like fucking attitude, like we're doing this, like amazing little thing.

Did you get the address?

Yeah, yeah, it works out. This is a great route. I love this.

And you've been You've been vexed by commercial auditions for so long because the first time I ever saw you at the Fake Gallery, you did that thing where it was the.

Commercial edition when the Apocalypse.

After the Apocalypse, Oh yes, well I find them so yeah and uh and at the end of that one, I said that at the end of that one, it was only like me, like I.

Would say things to the casting person like, h it's just good.

Like they would be like a disembodied voice, and I'd be I'd be yelling, can they they be saying, can you read the copy? And I'd be like, it's just good to hear another voice. Hey, you know, after this audition, a couple of us are gonna forge for food.

If you want to come.

And then the casting person answered, well, that sounds like just leave a flyer for that. Maybe I'll come to that. And then at the end they decided to go with the charred Corpse instead of me to sell cereal.

Eddie, We're gonna go with the chart corpse.

It's definitely a different not you, it's not you. It's just a different direction. Thank you, Karen.

But you know, you know, everybody used to tell me, which I also found insulting, Eddie, you just you so look like the everyman.

And I was like, well, thank you for that, thank you.

That's not at all intr Your insults are so well worded.

Yeah, you look like the plumber, and you're gonna.

Work, and you're gonna work, and then you're gonna work some.

More, but mostly plumbing, mostly lumber.

Now, I'll never forget going in one time for a fucking Musins commercial and just that's the thing.

We have to sit and go oh fl and old and I walked in.

I did book at about three years running, but no, of course I didn't.

But it would be fun to be the voice of the actual book. Yeah, you don't know the stuff.

I packed on my book of clothing the.

Worse.

But yeah, oh that's the word. Yeah, you're sickly good. Oh you're doing it perfectly.

But also also like what's really depressing is like what the industry saw me as. Like when I would walk into the room and see the people that I was their type, I just would always have to like read a self hell book after or something like that, because it was like, really, this is.

What I am to you fucking people.

Around Christmas time, it's fun to go on them where they ask for a Santa Claus and every guy in town who professionally is Santa Claus to committed to where they have a big white beard and the more about they maintain a jollyiness. They're like, well, like if I just wait, I'm probably gonna not get as many gigs, be it in a a shopping mall or on a commercial or actually.

Just weeks of desperation.

Visiting of children's hospital. Yeah, nothing's more desperate than visiting sick kids. You said it.

I visit sick kids all the time.

Here, that's I'm visit sick kids for myself, just so I'm grateful. I just go in and I leave, Okay, Yeah I am. I am doing better than you, sir.

That's your son visiting kids. It's your Murray perfect.

I was actually just remembering I went on it.

I only went on like three commercial auditions because I was so I was such a terrible auditioner anyway, but those ones, they would make you improv stuff. Yeah, and so I was always like out of my mind, uncomfortable just the second I got there.

And one time I was waiting in the waiting.

Room and two dudes who worked at the casting office got into a fist fight, and.

I got up and left so quickly and called my agent.

I was like, two dudes got into a fist fight. I'm not going back there. And it was like they were like my agent called there was like my client was very upset, but I actually wasn't.

I just it was the perfect excuse. Oh they got in a fight.

I'm not going back again.

You never know much too fat.

I would always be afraid that my agent, I swear to God, It's like just me being a little kid. I would always keep going, okay going. I would always be afraid of my agent getting.

It would be like I worry about it.

I worry about the other day I went in for one and yeah, I'm supposed to be a mean director guy.

Actually, are you having fun with them now? Like you're going in.

I like the I'm getting used to auditioning and I feel like.

If it is, are you booking any Yeah?

Commercials a lot, but that's cool.

When was Canadian one was in the UK? What you know you wouldn't see that.

That's even better. Nobody sees you do them exactly. I was pretty happy about that. But I want to be flown in Japan and do those few million dollar ones, but nobody knows.

I got to go to Spain.

You did as you went on the beach in Spain, and then I got to go to England.

For a commercial. Yeah, and what with the product one?

Oh yeah for Expedia dot c a Canadian and then for a Mini Cooper.

That's cool when you could go to Spain ship.

Right, So I think I got spoiled and I'm like, this is the best gig ever. I'm going to focus on this, but I I haven't booked anything right now, And like you mentioned before, i've been for long food. Yeah. For since I shaved my mustache, I haven't had a good audition. I've shaved it eight months ago.

Okay, yeah, yeah it is streaky like that though.

Right, yeah, yeah, it's my mustache.

Yeah, well no, it's.

Had a streak.

It was. I was getting callbacks all the time. I'm like, well, yeah, I'm in the groove, and where's this groove? Isn't going to go anywhere but straight.

To the.

Emperor's got a brand new club. But whatever, anyway it'll make I don't feel wildly uncomfortable anymore when I go into a room.

Yeah you know, next exit by the way, Yes, a quick little one on the right. You don't know where it is, folks listening, yes, because I already have people in front of my goddamn house constantly like, oh please sign this, well you used the Olean bag.

And then there's that.

One guy with the God hates fag sign, which doesn't make sense.

Why is he there?

I always want I want to go in in front of a grocery store with a God hates bags?

What God hates bags?

To get them?

I just love Lately they're pretty great.

Yeah, hugs, I'm tired of working for the Here we go, we're taking this sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet beautiful, and then we're gonna turn right.

Are you so relaxed, Eddie because you're home now.

You guys did that really? Well?

Oh you did you have fun? Are you currently having fun? It's not. I'm glad.

I are you ready for some more fun.

Some of our episodes, I'll be honest, are kind of stinkers, and I think this one was up there with with Aaron Foley and some of the better. She was great, but I don't want to talk about her. Let's talk about you.

Yeah. Does it end when you drop me off? For what do we do?

It ends abruptly and awkwardly and we actually.

That's actually kind of cool. Yeah, yeah, we'll end with you stop right here.

No, he just wanted it to end the whole time.

That'd be funny.

Like I say, well, I came out the other day to my parents and then I'm like, stop right here.

Wait, he could really this is where my house is. The podcast ends. When the podcast ends.

Ends when we are really close though, by the way, very very very close.

Well, then what did your parents say when you told.

Him that when I came out?

Yeah, well I did come out, and the biggest thing I ever came out as was an actor. When I told my dad, no, when I told my dad. I was going My dad was like a dean of high school, and he wanted and he kind of wanted me to be a dentist for some breason, like I didn't want to be a doctor. And then he's and then I said, all right, how about a dentist. I said that just to please him.

And he was really excited that I was studying dentistry.

And you actually studied it.

That's the same pressure as the elf and Rudolph. He felt he wanted to be a dentist. Dentist, Yeah, but he was an elf. He was actually the elf in Rudolf. He was passionate about dentistry. He's like, why am I a miss? Why look at me making these toys. I'm like, that's a pretty good gig.

My dad gave me a fucking Novicae needle for my sixteen Really you're kidding, I'm not kidding. It was a beautiful like like state of the yard, Like you don't get to se him because they always hide him.

Now me, So did that then light a fire under your ass?

It sure did. When you get a Novicaine needle.

That are you let me reach into my stocking? Ow? What is this.

It's a needle, Son, I'm sorry, Son, I was supposed to be covered with the tip.

I had to put a wine cork on the end of the all.

You'll probably for a couple of hours.

Only a couple guys used it.

Don't ride your bike behind works.

There's a couple of guys in an alley that I let use the needle. But other than that, it's brand new sun and I'm not going to be a dentist.

He gave me a needle.

That's the best get to the right.

Okay, And well did your dad evere.

Right behind this great car?

Okay?

Perfect?

Yeah, No one's gonna bother for a little bit. So did your dad ultimately see you act and realize that you made a life for yourself?

You know?

It took him so long because he heard about the Olean commercial heard he heard about a lot of this stuff because he had a friend in the commercial industry and dding that would be funny if like Bob, which I'm sure you got from that, but Bob, I don't know. He screwed up a couple of words and ain't a leakage product. It was perfect for him because he he looks like ship. You know what I mean, he's a kid who looks like ship and he's gonna go far.

An everyman if everyone in America was a sick plumber.

Now it's a compliment.

Go Eddie, you're great. This was fun and yeah, this was good. Many delight. We're going to go back to the airport and pick up our nest guests like this.

Is, by the way, That is so funny to me. Airports are the one place I hate going. I go there regularly. Do you now kind of dig it and I love it.

It's hilarious.

Maybe it's kind of my character, I guess, but I don't I get. I get a feeling of anxiety at the moment they.

Know you do some of the cops know you at this point. You know that's the podcast. Let them throw folks.

I'm sure they noticed that there's occasionally a car where people inexplicably have microphones in their hands.

So you're going to get I just realized though, as we talked about that we might be uh suspects since we're at the airport so.

Much size checking out that lady.

Yeah, we could be we could be in serious danger. But no, look around at whatever you feel like looking.

At had she wasn't wearing a brass here. I wanted to warn her of the that'll cause permanent hangage.

All right, guys, thank you so much.

Coming out. You have a podcast. Do you want to talk about that?

Yes, please listen to my podcast on the Old Things Comedy Network. It's called Pep Talks with the Bitter Buddha and you could subscribe to it on iTunes. I'm going to be at the San Francisco Sketch Fest fun kept coming up to February sixth, seven and eight, yahod and that's a green gravel fest. And I at the end of February, and then the punchline March like eleven. I'm gonna headline a punch That's great.

That's a great the punchline in San Francisco.

Yeah, nice, that's too. San Francisco trips or is it right?

That's right, it's it's San Francisco.

I will and then back to San Francisco.

I like San Francisco.

You gotta go back to go get your hearts. You got to go back a second time to get your heart everyone's leaving their heart there and.

Singing about it.

Well, go all right, guy, thanks for being on. Uh do you need a ride? D y n A R?

Are you leaving? I? You wanna way back?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turning on and gage. We want to send you us inside.

You want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared?

Or was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Cress