Ep. 68 - Barbara Gray

Are you leaving?

I you wanta way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmano and gay.

We want to send you off inside.

Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do with Karen and Chris? Welcome dude, do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgareth.

We are leaving Swingers Diner.

Goodbye asshole, Goodbye you evil can evil themed Diner.

Goodbye nineteen seventy six America. I never liked you in the first place.

My goal this episode is, oh I hated seventy six.

It was rough.

I was one year old and I hated it. Hated my life that year I was six.

I was confused.

My only way of dealing with it was to suck on my own toes.

I just listened to a lot of Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John Really not really, I just listened whatever's on the radio in the big station.

Mike, I really have no choice. Your little fingers couldn't change the knob.

Please, Daddy, I would say, turn it to a different station.

Might we turn on the air conditioning? Gets well? Father?

Oh please father?

But now here we go already immediately the guests immediately the best, Yeah, plazing right up.

Third.

I just want the sound quality to be good this time, because if I don't want anyone on Twitter to.

Get some Yeah, you're.

Ruled by those people. I love every version of us.

I need the approval of strangers. That's why I got in this business.

Isn't it weird?

Can I talk by everyone?

Our guest is the luxurious Barbara Gray.

That's a good one.

Came out, the poised, the collected, well postured, the busy.

The busy, the challenge. You're busy, the.

Best hair in the business.

Away, asymmetrical, filled with body.

Do you guys know that I'm from Salt Lake City and the like bees are their thing. It's the bee hive state because it's like all the little worker bees working for the Mormon Church. And then the high is like the Temple's that's.

Scary, so they based the ability to marry many women. It's all based on bees.

Oh, I didn't think about that part. I don't know. I mean, actually are dying. Yeah, I think so, because the Mormons are dying off.

On their bicycle.

Every Mormon that dies, ten thousand bees dies.

So you guys convert now or else the whole you know, they say bees die, the whole world does.

Right, That's what I've heard. In all seriousness. I do get excited when I see a bee, and I do notice it's getting more and more rare than I see.

I was.

I was on a walk the other day and an entire tree was just buzzing and every they were pollinating, like every inch of the tree, and it freaked me the fuck out.

Wow, not scary, that's horrifying.

It was really scary.

That was the provo tree.

Yeah, I don't care. That was the main temple.

Barbara, Were you racism Mormon?

No?

I wasn't. I was just there. I was just there to check it out.

I really thought you said, were you a racism They are?

Oh? No, they all are. Yeah, they're just not very open, right, it's about them and no. No, I grew up. I was born in Palm Springs and then we lived in Sacramento, and then my parents were like, oh, this place is terrible for children.

Will drive you straight out of it.

It will drive you to a much safer place like Soul City, for example.

So the only thing I like it's about Sacramento is Guy Fieri's Fusion Age barbecue place.

Oh god, he has that there.

Guy here. You ever notice that that stencil?

Does he? Really?

I saw that the other day.

Guy Theery Sacramento is Guy Theery. If Guy Theory was a city, it's.

That that's exactly totally living there. It's like his hair is on fire.

It's like one big, like bleached goatee.

That one big, like a loud guy that's talking about nothing and he smells like chili.

But I love you people in Sacramento. Nobody listeners in sacrament.

They're having a Sacramento con for your podcast.

Can they're calling the holiday in right now? Cancel the boardroom reservation?

Yeah?

I don't know what cause play. I'm gonna do this here for.

What if people are dressing up as you guys and like having all this weird sex stuff like listening to the podcast and and fucking to it, And because that's all I can think about. That happened cons right, it's just people like dressed up and is that why people do it? I mean it's a huge, like I think, an underground part of all that stuff.

But aren't they nerds? Most nerds fuck ners? Tell me about a guy, I don't know what the nerds do?

Sailor Moon are a stuffed animal, right when they have like a butt flap on their costume and then they go into like the ruckets room and they just rub together nerd genitals.

Yeah, that's how I know it to be. I've never been to any kind of.

A con though I haven't either.

I made my dad go to one in Salt Lake City once. I bought a ticket for both of us and then I went and Deanna Troy from Star Trek was there, and I was really pissed that she wasn't in her costume.

He did I have a question about Deana Troy.

Yes, my roommate used to watch obsessively watch Next Generation, so I have like that, uh, just absorbed knowledge about it that I don't want Deana Troy.

Are her eyes black like that? Were those contact lenses?

I don't know. Actually I didn't really think about it. She did have really dark.

Eyes, deeply black eyes and irises, so it kind of just like looked like a cartoon character.

I is she the woman that's now on Oranges?

She has done nothing since grew all right? The rest that's a That was the captain on Sergic Voyager. Uh No, I don't know. Actually I didn't look, and I wasn't close enough to see in her eyes at that time. So I'll have to I'll have to be a mystery for now. For this moment, my phone is dead and I feel like of crazy, for like, I feel so lost, and I could be getting so many texts.

This could be where you get the call where they're like, we're recasting, we're re vamping.

Friends, and you're Tybee.

I don't know. That's the first name.

I thought it were turning it on its ear.

Everyone would want to be Phoebe.

Everyone's women, and everyone's black on the new Yes, I mean I wouldn't be on it them.

But there's no jobs for white people. Yes here, that's what my agent, because it seems like a lot of my friends.

Are doing well.

Nope, that your friends are Mexican.

Oh okay, weird. They didn't. They seemed all very fair skinned and freckle.

You don't know your friends like I do. I'm an agent.

Okay, well, oh you're an agent.

It's it's my same voice. So adaptive characters pretty good, right because they all sound like me.

Oh, Chris, I had something I wanted to ask you. Do you remember that time that we a bunch of girls we frank called you and you freaked out?

I was like, so I thought that it was someone lashing out against me.

Yeah, wait, can you just do around the story.

So someone called crying and I thought, oh my god, an ex girlfriend or something just got physically assaulted.

That's immediately where I went.

And then when it was just girls laughing, I got really mad and I didn't know tweeted.

The number and it was like, who was calling me from it?

Oh?

Did I really.

Out?

Did anybody call you off that tweet?

No, no one did, because I think I was like, Chris isot like I told him, So.

He deleted it and then I and then I and then I felt weird and I apologize.

It was just funny. We were having a sleepover and you know, because we're because you're like young women, and we decided to prank call a bunch of guys. Yeah, and I think it was Test Barker calling you and she was wasted and she was just saying stuff about She was like, I'm on the one thirty four and my tire like I don't know what.

The ec It was not a good where it's like, oh, I'm in danger.

She got so freaked out because you kept you wouldn't stop calling her, so she changed her outgoing voicemail except for she was like, hey, I'm just calling you. This is Test. Like she changed her outgoing voicemail to say her own name and like fucked it up again.

This This is what I like about this story.

In most sleepovers, when people are eleven or twelve and they do prank calls, they're sober, right, so it's like that left turn of like being ship faced, like oh, this will be.

A good idea.

Yeah it was.

It's a nine one one call.

Actually I'm dying on the side of a freeway. That'll be hilarious. He'll love this is I don't know what we were thinking, but we called Carl Hassan talked to him for like an hour. That was great.

Were you screaming and crying?

No, that was like, hey, I saw your show tonight was great.

I would love that.

Yeah, yeah, I would have also known it was a prank.

Yeah, we should have gone with fun you guys.

Hey, wait a second, we didn't.

It was all her fault. It was all in her hands.

Well I need to make amends with her.

Well, when we we'll do it again.

No, no, we don't need to bring it back. I'm just saying if we do, if you do a lighthearted one, I will play along and be so much fun.

You should go on Lady to Lady the Barbart's podcast Lady to Lady discuss it and then make a plan of action with tests.

Oh about that, and maybe we could together scare.

The hell out? Will you guys can prank call someone live? We'll will prank call Karen live on the show. Yes, and all will be resolved.

I'll start screaming, I'll never stop and I'll have to be hospitalized.

See that will give me so much clothes.

It is really dumb, Like it's a dumb thing to do. Wall It's so fun.

Can I tell you my favorite prank is my friend Brian, who is this hilarious gay guy that I knew when I lived in San Francisco. I worked at the Gap with him and he was super hilarious and goofy, and he tells me the story one night and we're super drunk.

He goes, you want to hear what I did to my friend one time?

And I was like, sure, I put on I put a pantyhose on my face, over my head, and I climbed into her kitchen window with.

The night and.

He goes, she freaked out so bad on me, and I was like, Brian, yeah, what are you talking about.

He thought it was hilarious, and of course she starts crying and totally freaking out, and then he's like, hey, it's just me, and then she like basically beat him up. It was the idea the way he said it was such innocence of like, hey, you want to hear funny break I did where I'm like, that's what every girl. That's every girl.

And you cannot see what someone looks like under those things. She could not have known.

I can't even see what they look like when they're they're on legs on legs. Thank you God. I can't even thank you for jumping in my own thought.

I just yeah, I love when someone's sharing a story like that and immediately you see the other person's side, a person who's a stranger to you, and you're on their side.

Yes, that's how bad. I'm a prank. Idea that is well.

I mean just coming through the window alone, even if there was no panty hose on his head, like a window breaking.

The kitchen gave her a singing gram through the window. That's a better one.

But it was scary coming through.

There's so many things about that that are not okay. You get a weapon.

He came through the windows, could have gotten himself killed. She probably had knives in her kitchen too.

He has no idea which she could have carried, a small pistol like attached to her ankle.

There's all kinds of things he didn't know.

They could have been a ghost protecting the house that attacked him, her dead mother. The culture geist, Yeah.

Just looking for closure.

A Rottweiler classicler situation.

A Rottweiler ghost, Yeah, the most vicious kind.

I would be loved to be haunted by a dog. Just all your ears barking, and there's just it's just.

Always trying to get let out.

Everywhere, and sometimes they're drinking water.

That's going through them. I mean, my friends used to do this like call prank thing where we would call up one of those sex phone lines. Like the ones were not like the ones where you're paying to like talk to a lady, but like it's like the chat party lines. This person so it's free for women and guys would call in and you would talk to the guy and try to say like the weirdest ship possible to them.

You know, like I would be like, make me so scared. I can't I'm not good at phone calls.

Well I would do. I would say, you know, like you would atfort. They'd be like, yeah, what are you doing? What are you wearing and stuff, And he'd be like, I'm just sitting here with my girlfriends because everyone's like laughing. You know, You're like, I want you to like eat this is really gross, by the way, and I'm sorry I'm about to say. I was like, I want you to like eat a sesame seed bagel and then ship it's out on me, and so the sesame seeds arom Like.

That's where someone said, no, I said that to freak them out.

We were trying to freak them out as much as possible.

I want you to select the seeds and ship out little seed. It's like a baby gun.

Use your colin as a special muscle.

Yeah, it's such a turn on. Man has selective Can you read through and maybe throw in a cherry pit?

Oh yeah, that was when you knew he's the special one.

There's two different movies that where there's a vomiting cherry pit. One is Witches of Eastwick.

I think the other is stand by Me, the Vomiting of the Chairs. Nothing turns me on more.

Oh yeah, that was some nasty I mean, but.

When you're a kid, boy, that is funny comedy porn.

It was so good.

My dad used to chant lard ass all the time because he loved to rave reviews by Stranger And that's why I have a very advanced eating disorder.

But that's how it goes.

He would yell it to you in public, father, Oh my god, just like it would be like any time.

I can't even really explain it now. It would be contextually accurate.

My boyfriend's parents, I just met them, and they always would say Seinfeld for like from Seinfeld. M hmm, if you know, do you guys remember that whatever the Chinese restaurant episode.

But they did did they do with Chinese accent?

Well, they say it like the guy and he goes Seinfeld for like that's how he says it exactly, Okay, But like so they were just they both said it separately from each other, which I thought was funny. It's just like in their thing, that's what they say. And now I've started saying it to my boyfriend quoting them, quoting side. But now it's like we're saying it and I'm like, oh no, like we just adapted this weird thing that your parents do.

I think if I was a guy and my girlfriend start telling my dad's jokes my boner.

I think it's so cheesy that they do it, So that's why I'm doing But yeah, it's like it doesn't I don't know.

That we used to do that all the time.

Where I the happiest conversation I think you can have it at a table, but I still love it. The most is people who are from the East Coast and the West Coast start talking about the snack foods.

That they did and didn't have growing up. Oh yeah, and you can get into it and like immediately everyone will be like, did you have cheese?

Noodles, like I never even heard of those, and I've overheard people doing it, and so I always start the conversation because I'm doing it kind of sarcastically, but then everybody immediately jumps in of like we didn't even have Carvell, what that's all we had?

And their backfires and actually becomes endorygable and it turns.

Into allowing conversation because why do you want to hear all about something you've never.

Experienced, like, because it's like a weird like it's almost like the other day my friend was getting wheat thins and then and she offered me some.

I was like, I'm from a Truscutz family, and then we.

All started laughing and it was like people are like, oh, were you wheat thins or truskets?

And we also we like started breaking it down and it's just a weird like childhood.

Specifics, where like wheat things were never even a consideration in my family, No one ate them.

Oh, if you start talking about snacks and what I didn't have as a kid, I sound like.

I was abused because and have many.

I don't know why I wasn't just this emaciated. If there's ever food and we touched it.

I've mentioned this. I'm gonna go ahead.

Have you talked about this, said, don't don't touch that. It's for it's for the office or recipe. My mom would make stuff for recipe or sorority. She didn't go to college, but she's.

In a sorority some office somewhere. Yeah. Oh made so many delicious all of a sudden she.

Could couldn't eat, but it was always for somebody.

On the counter.

Oh God, try and reach for it, and then we get in a wooden spoon on the knuckles is what we'd get.

So you were abused, Yeah, that turns out.

It turns out I was.

Oh man, I'm like the I will always eat that ship. Do not leave anything on the counter. I will eat it.

I will float towards it like yogi.

Yeah, there's just no question.

What's your what's your dream barber? You go first, what's your dream snack? Someone would leave on a counter then you could steal.

I mean doughnuts. Yeah, I'm there because that's what just happened, like two nights ago with my roommates. I ate half of one like they wouldn't. I was like, what am I doing? I almost just like licked it, and I was like, no, I should just eat that.

You know, I'm not.

I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I do like if someone and it's something I would never order or eat for myself, But if someone leaves out, if.

They made a bunch of meatballs, I will always steal a meatball.

Are you in that situation a lot?

I'm always in some meatballs within arm street. I feel like it's an ongoing hidden cameras.

I mean, I'm pretty much anything.

It was my dream, but I guess just left out.

Just yeah, something like leftover. I mean I love like leftovers.

You kind of just prefer everything.

Yeah, yeah, it all sounds good too.

Too finicky.

I like, I'm insanely finicky. I like if it were something you know what it is, It's like, uh, store candy, Like if someone had like a kit kat on the counter, I like, I'm just gonna steal this and I don't care who who?

What about homemade candy?

My mom? Maybe I've told this story when it was like a Christmas party and they have those little you pour liquid candy into a mold and stick stick turns into a just a popsicle, like a hard candy popsicle. She made cinnamon like Christmas tree shaped popsicles.

No, they're not good at all.

And she put way too much cinnamon to where all these kids were licking them and their mouths were burning. They all start crying. They had to be picked up, their parents had to come and get them and like ruined the party?

Was it your party?

They burned their There was kids there, so it had to be mine, like like like a family. Yeah. I just remember there being kids there and they were crying for their mouths burning.

The best prank of all.

And she's like, oh, yeah, like cinnamon if they're crying because of pain.

Mom there again, she didn't want anyone to actually eat.

Any of She then she wrapped those up again and brought him into the office. Judy, Diane, do you like cinnamon?

That's like what you would hear about. Don't don't go trick or treat.

There's a razor blade and the candied apple or you get bernieles.

The burnscles.

Have you guys ever done that the cinnamon challenge or whatever? No?

Oh Ei, there's a very funny video of that where the lady is coughing so hard and her teeth fly.

Out and there's a cloud of cinnamon. Yeah, and it's just.

It looks like the who are the South African rap duo? And her doorbell motor tattooed.

Oh the guys who were in the movies.

They were in Chappy.

Yeah, they're in Chappy.

Oh yeah, And it looks like that guy. And he's like, yeah, do you want to do this cinnamon challenge?

And the lady's like, sure, I love cinnamon, she said, and she just her eyes bulge out and then she coughs, and there's a cinnamon cloud.

And her teeth teeth, your teeth like her.

Ever done in? And she poly dance. Sorry, I always forget which which is your sponsor? This episode brought to you by.

You keep them stuck, We'll keep them clean anyway, just to a cloud of But have you tried.

To do it? I I've done it like by accident. You know. We're like I had a lot of cinnamon and I just accidentally inhaled a bunch of it. And it's pretty mortifying.

Did you was it super Bernie?

Like it's like it's just it's not as Bernie as it is, just like a cloud of stuff you can't get out of your book or whatever. It's really crazy. Yeah, it's kind of scary.

Diane's word, Diane, this video. Look it up.

Diantward looking guy makes mom spit out teeth. Nothing will come up, but you'll probably have an interesting evening.

What if that was? Like?

The new directive of our podcast is we describe YouTube videos.

That sounds great, sounds like every the best party ever.

Yeah, it's like the new E show that I get fired from. Okay, too personal.

Okay.

I was eating dinner with some people last night and this guy was like describing a vine to us and then had to look it up, and I was just like, just don't please describing vines.

Yeah, you guys, guys, you can never you can always watch it.

So what I described in constant when.

I took two minutes to describe the second second vigual. So we're going to Molly Malones where Karen has hung out.

It's an old timey Irish part. You have a story about Molly Malone.

I have several that I can't remember because I am an alcoholic, but we used to go there a lot in the nineties, and there was one when Barbara texted me because we were making plancy dinner anyway.

And then she's like, I ever show up Molly Malones. And I was immediately like, oh no, that's a big text reaction.

What is the best most stand out story of your you're just downward spiral.

Well, I would say the Molly Malone's one. There was we wonder that one. Yeah, it's just that, No, it's a it's because I was telling Robert.

I remember all these things like really quick flashes because I was a black gut drunk, so I just remember it was it was Saint Patrick's Day and Flogging Molly the band was playing there, so they were very well.

That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, like so many people.

I mean, there must have just been like everyone's ankle deep in barf. It was that that kind of situation.

And we walked up to the door, and I know that the things I know, the doorman, there was some pause, something happened at the door.

I don't really remember. The next thing I know, I was being spun around in a circle on the dance.

Floor, and there was that kind of thing where it was like waking up into like, oh now I'm like dancing a real while flogging Molly's playing.

It was very like I was almost it was like being on a pirate ship.

It was very like.

Being fun in a circle.

And then the next thing I remember is yelling in the bouncer's face, like you can't tell.

That ends that because then they always go, hey, all.

I do is you're feisty.

You're like, hey, you have a point. I'm gonna let you back in.

You know, I'm gonna quit my job and just let you enjoy your night, because this isn't how the universe is supposed to work.

You're you're so smart, and you really have a point because you're a big drunk wely, isn't that floggy Molly?

That's what they just want everyone to pretend they're pirates.

I think so.

I got hired by their tour manager to do T shirts.

I go to do warm up.

I hope you like squeezebox.

Has anyone left their leg going up the top sail here?

I'm not gonnay now, I'm in the crow's nest, my Irish now. Anyway, Yeah, they never paid me. He told me exactly what they wanted. We want ships, we want old timey pirate type art. We want bone fish, a flying bone fish like specific stuff. We want a jersey that says flogging Molly with a number. I did all this stuff and then they just didn't pay me. So fuck that band. Except for the accordion player Matt Hensley. I had a wall dedicated to him. He used to

Well, I liked it.

I like the idea that you could transition from skateboarding to a professional accordion play.

Well, the.

Middle part where he's a billiards play he was like a pool player. He was on ESPN and stuff.

Are you thinking of the most fascinating man in the world? From Doseki Simmercial he.

Doesn't sleep with many women, but when he does, it's their winches, saying in the pocket there it is it's so hard.

No, it's that they're wenches. No, I really don't want to Just looking at the his in her hair goods story.

That's a good way to distract us.

Right looking around it is it isn't her, it is his and also hers. Oh man coming up on the tar pits. The what the fun if you guys ever like taking people there who wanted together.

They're just I don't A friend's mom was visiting and she she's like, you have to go to the Libera tar pits.

They're amazing. I like what, I don't how it's so.

I mean I haven't gone, and I've gone obviously lackm but not like the the tar pit Museum or whatever, which which might be interesting, I guess. But they have that weird sad like Mastodon being like murdered by the tar. It's family like on the shore watching it.

Yeah, it's so sad.

They're like making you see the worst of the target. Yeah, like, how about the good things that happened in tar pits?

Also, where like is all the rest of the tar Because I worked across the street and there was like tar in the parking lot. So how far does that go?

Wow?

You mean there's it continued?

Yeah, like it's underground over across the streets.

And bubbling crude over there.

From Texas from the movie Volcano.

This is this was ground zero essentially.

In the movie Volcano. Right, there's the sad.

I've never seen that.

They lighted up at night so everyone always remembers. That's the nine to eleven of.

Always remember that tragedy. Never forget this.

Just a bubbling, crude, mom ankles deep and the horrible thing when when an elephant drowns in tar, they never forget it.

Oh that's where they got the yeah, September eleventh tagline.

That's that's why there's a the eleventh flag.

Right, Yeah, exactly. Did you guys watch that documentary about the woman who faked that she was?

Oh about it?

It's really interesting. It's just she's from She's from somewhere in Europe, I can't remember, like Russia or area, and she just, yeah, she came up with this whole thing that her fiance had been there and died in the towers, and he actually had. But then she said that she worked there. She worked at the bank, and she became like the head of like the survivors group in New York and all the ship and the people just started realizing that she was kind of like weird and not telling the truth.

I realized that bank didn't exist.

I work at the X y Z Bank Incorporated.

And sound like a bank. But she seems authentic.

Actually wasn't a bad bank name though.

X y Z Money Incorporation.

Yeah, dollars and their motto is dollar dollar Bill.

Yeah. But yeah, she like got found out and then just like disappeared. I guess so, well maybe her and that guy from whatever, the.

Kid who pretended to be caught in a hot air balloon.

Oh yeah, I think there was something wrong with.

Earl. Okay, this brings us.

Have you guys seen I think it's bubble Boy John, Yes, yes, where a horse like trips over his air cord and he's like.

His face is pressed. Yes, John Travolta in his most John.

Revolting role that getting the horse trips over the power thing and he's like looking at the he starts choking.

He's all excited about the horse.

And then it's kind of like Mac and Me as far as just I can't believe people used to be dumb enough to just watch this and not point and laugh.

I remember seeing it when it was like because I think it was like a Friday night. It's like a yeah, it was like ABC night at the movies or whatever, and then that concept it was like I remember being a little kid and thinking I never thought of those poor people who have to live in plastic bubbles, which of course don't really exist.

It's like, do there, I mean they have to in some way, right, Well I don't not in.

The way of like it's a teen boy that needs to get rolled outside.

Don't it goes to regular high school class?

Yeah, I think if it does happen, it's pretty hospitalized.

In special Yeah, it's your last moment.

It's not the thing where you're the girl you meet uh somewhere, rolls you outside and then a horse comes by. There's just so many things about it were just ludicrous and yeah, having to act from inside that bubbles a little weird.

Well, only Travalta can pull it off. Yeah, God, he's good. Good it all that botch?

Do you guys?

Did you ever see the Trilogy of Terror, which that was the one that was the most famous like made for TV movie when I was growing up.

No, which is you have to look it up because it's really amazing. It was.

It was three different stories that are like horror stories or whatever, but it's totally it was totally for like kids, it's like a Friday night thing. But me and my sister and my three cousins watched it and everybody freaked out. And the one that we freaked out the most about and that I remember best is a woman her sister brings a doll back from like Satan or the elves.

And this on adult. It's like a wooden doll. It's all carved.

It just says, don't take the necklace off, and so she's like, that would a nice gift and puts it down, goes and gets a shower.

The netflace just falls off.

Oh it's not even her fault. It's not her fault trigger the curse. Then they're very specific to take the necklace off. Well, it falls Off's not her fault, I mean, But.

It doesn't matter because then that little doll comes to life and has a little knife and starts.

Chasing her around.

This is ripped off the movie Cat's Eyes and an episode of Brady Bunch.

So far, but no, well wait, and what kind of like was it?

Like?

What kind of animation do they use for the doll? Was it like?

If you if we watched it out, it would be laughably bad, all right, But when you see it, like it tries to attack her in the bathtub, she puts a towel over it and puts it in the oven, and eventually she jumps up the window to get.

Away from it, and we so bad, Like my teenage cousin Stevie, woke up in them all night screaming.

Wait, does the little doll eventually get chopped up in a in a fan?

No, that doll becomes the mayor.

Oh wow, becomes the mayor.

No, no, no, I can't remember it.

I love to see a tiny marre because when he brought big scissors to kind of red by regular sized scissors, I'd love the tiniest.

Are the tiniest, little evil doll.

Mare, here's a key to the city. This is a little key to my jewelry box. You're adorable, little.

Mare, little asshole mare. He's just stabbing everybody's ankles.

And I do remember having the thought when I was watching it of like he's just gonna stab her ankles.

It's just like you know, surface wounds. If you're a little guy with a knife, always go for the achittlees. They fall face first and then you have your way with them.

All the knife style people do have that fear of the ankle thing. They like, we'll put theirs.

Down really yeah, like something's gonna grab their agg Yeah, the big thing.

Yeah, I think about it.

I used to think about it when I'd run upstairs that someone was going to run after me and cut my ankles, so I ran upstairs always.

Oh wow, I am in uh college. I made I made a short film about people who collect dolls, like a short documentary. So I got to go in all these people's houses and see their fucking crazy doll collections. It was terrifying.

Wow.

There's one woman who like their dolls covered their entire bed and they'd have to take them all off.

At night like pillows.

Yeah. Just I mean like hundreds of dolls. And then she's like, when I die, I just want to be buried with my raggedy ann like that was her request.

Well, there's one all that horrifies me is like the vintage porcelain tilted bag the eyes closed.

People collect those. And my mom and I she lives in Spokane, and.

It was one of the last memories of like hanging out with her and her being adventuresome.

We were walking through the neighborhood and peaked in a window.

I don't know why we were looking in windows, because we saw from a distance all these dolls don't.

Be a dick weirdo. This isn't.

Like, Oh my god, it's so cool.

I carried pepper spray. Have to get out and just look.

It's like weird little jet fuel.

Look him up, but he's trying to impress me.

Should we get him? Should we get him? Disa on the podcast, You're weird, You're weird, putting the microphone out to him.

Such weird, we love.

He turned all the way around and looked at us.

He did, he looked right out.

Yeah, he's.

Flirting with all of us, I added myself.

Well, we don't know which one he thinks is the prettiest. Okay, we just don't find out.

Who he thinks.

Clearly made eye contact with me.

Oh man, I definitely used to eye contact. Was like my move for so long, Right, you just stare intensely at someone across from room.

Was a hole in the bottom of the popcorn.

Oh yeah, where you put your phone numbers.

Yeah it's yes.

No, maybe.

Is handing things out of the hole, yes.

Yes, making women's hands.

You is this my dick in your hand?

Oh?

Sorry, so my my.

We looked in this window and saw a wall of dolls and the other side was a wall of Marilyn Monroe.

Fort snow and it was like, wow, this is crapy.

And then all of a sudden, the person in the world, Ty in a long black gown who looked just like Buffalo Bill, started.

Spinning around and dancing and stick oliver his mouth.

Yeah, my mom and I just we were in the bushes watching him, and we watched in silence, and then he started to look out the window and we ran and it was snowy.

We ran.

It was like my mom and I just teepeeed a house. We ran and laughed.

That's incredible.

It was like, yeah, it was a great it was.

I love creeping on people. I love walking around at night when everyone's lights are on. I don't like to go up that far, but you know, you at to see a lot of stuff.

Oh I'm addicted.

Just driving in a car almost crashed because I try and look in windows as I drive, just seeing people sitting at lunch.

At lunch, it's nighttime when you can see in windows. Fair fucking idiot.

This is where your story falls.

Dinner.

Everything's been alive.

My whole life is sham.

Whatever late night lunch you see or just people ever see them ugly painting they have on the wall, or if you're lucky, some sweet sweet naked tips.

Oh I thought I was with a bunch of boys.

No, it's a girl's time. Oh no, what talked about?

I mean everyone would look at naked tips exactly.

I knew YouTube would come around. But it'd be funny if I said I knew YouTube would come around. I'm pointing at a photo of spoops. Oh man, guys, it's one of my favorite hotels on the left.

I'll tell you the four seasons in West Hollywood.

Yeah, good job. Great.

But here's my great anecdote. We drove by there once and Tommy Lee Jones was driving out into black Mercedes, of course, and we were stopped right in front of him, and as he I let him go in front of us, and he, uh, he waked.

He waved, but I thought he was just waving.

I was like, because I was like a bit, and he like gave us a nice wave, and then I realized my friend in the backseat was completely waving at him, like like, oh, I thought we were all decided to play it cool silently, but of course, know you.

What's up with uh? Tommy Lee Jones these days.

I think he's just taken it easy in Connecticut.

I was thinking of Tommy Lee the whole time. I thought at first, oh, okay, well they have that same name, and they probably both that is true.

But Tommy Lee Jones has that really attractive acne popmark acne scars that I love so much.

Yeah, Edward James almost smooth face. It's long and convoluted, but that's one of my.

Almost smooth faces.

Almost smooth face.

Also, who else says that.

Let's talk skin.

Yeah, let's finally talk skin.

Finally everyone's waiting for Yeah, Rada, I love his face.

Yeah.

Who has no girls? Not one?

Lady Cameron Diaz has kind of and she's beautiful.

Also looks like someone that went skeet shooting with her nod.

Is with the guy, one of the guys from.

She carries around a putty. Oh yeah, that's.

Such a weird. What was it called, good Charlotte.

Good Charlotte. That's false advertising?

Alrighty I had something to say, Oh, yeah, we tend to it's rapid fire.

With you. There's just a lot of blah blah blah. Yeah, you know what, let's pause for a second.

Let Barbara collect her.

No, no, I keep going. I don't know what the hell.

There's a beautiful historic house in Missoula, Montana, where I'm from, and and on the front is a neon sign that simply.

Says, Babs.

It's really so I should take.

A picture of it sometime. And here's my childhood home. Oh, because it used to be a whorehouse.

Oh so Babs was like the yeah she was the here's the ladies greenlight? Do you guys think I can go?

Like?

I don't like I've never liked my name Barbara, and Babs is okay, but I don't like calling myself that. But it's like I think it's better than Barbara, right, I don't know.

I I love Barbara.

There's nothing wrong with Barbara.

I guess I just got a given one. You guys have like normal names, they sound good.

I didn't want normal name. Well maybe, but like you.

Have a good like normal first name and then like a kick.

When I was a kid, I decided because there was a cool kid named Scott and he had cool views, and I was in daycare, pre pre kindergarten, and I told my parents I want to be named Scott now and they called me Scott.

For like a month, sweet, and so I worked my name was Scott. And then I was like, you know what, I think the kid wronged me in some way or I noticed his cool anymore. Yeah, and I said I'm Chris again.

I did this weird thing whenever I would have a crush on the celebrity, I would make people call me that. So I was obsessed with George Harrison. I made people call me George and Junior.

That's interesting on yourself.

Yeah, I don't know what I was doing. Yeah, but definitely what name would you like Barbara instead? I don't know, I don't I just know I'd never felt like mine fit me, you know what I mean.

So it's kind of adorable that you had a crush on George Harrison.

Oh I did. I was obsessed with him. First it was Paul, and then I was like, fuck Paul. I like George.

I like George is Sola where Cloud nine is the best album ever?

Yeah, he's I mean, he's the best beetle.

Really don't fight her on it, Barbara, what if you call you Harrison?

Oh, Harrison's pretty good. I was thinking, what well, I was telling Chris, this is the thrilling conversation you missed at the table that a lot of people. I always think my name is Deborah, I think because it's kind of like Barbara. But Deborah's not is a good change my.

I mean, Debrah and Barbara would hang out, they'd be roommates for life.

Yeah, I was thinking about Scout.

Never mind, this is a safe space. I'm just laughing straight in.

Your It just it's like it is the most pretentious thing to be, Like, what am I name? Well?

And also just from the outside, you're clearly a barber to me.

I mean really, but all I know. But the thing is if my last name wasn't Gray, then I wouldn't maybe think about it. But it's so old with the word gray, Like, come on, that's some old.

But it seems it doesn't seem old, lady. It seems classic to me. Like that's the kind of name you want a Joan. You're Jones and you're Barbers.

And you're I'm not Grace jo This is not Grace Jones level of name.

No, that's a different thing.

Nice Grace is nice.

Grace gray, but you can't Grace is pretty good.

It won't stick, you.

Know, No, I know I'm past the point, but I just like every year, I kind of get in a thing where I'm like, yeah, maybe I'll do it now. It's kind of like the hair thing where it's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna shave off all my hair. You know it's not. I'm not gonna do it, but you think about it because you think it's gonna change your life.

You'll make some money. Get that hair to ma.

Actually have looked like it's not. It doesn't make as much as you.

Like.

If you I think this would be like maybe.

Two or three inchred bucks, not like and I'll buy the wag and I'll wear it and I'll be call me Barbara.

I appreciate the name.

And then I dance in front of my dolls.

Yeah, that's what seems like.

It looks just like you I am.

There was a speaking of name changes a hippie kid at a bar in Montana that I've met one night, and he was just no fun.

He was just and he had changed his name to the word fun.

It said it.

There was no and it was when this was a long time ago. Fun It's driver. So he showed it to me. It just was the word fun. I'm like, how do you do that? Did it? And he was not?

He was?

That was the most The reason I told the story is that he was the furthest person fun. Maybe that's why he did it. He knew that he was not fun.

But also it's like, hey, tell me the story of how you did this walk in, get the fuck out of here.

It's fun.

That's what I would have said.

Wait what, I didn't get it.

We'll just happen tell this story walking walking?

Oh oh yeah, yeah, it's kind of like a switchero.

But it wasn't good.

I thought you were in a roundabout way asking me to do my Christopher walking please.

His name was fun.

Oh man, it's funny. It's just like that snack game that you describe people. Everyone says, oh, impressions. I hate that kind of comedy, but if you do them even shittily, everyone is entertaining.

Do you guys have any ones that you can do? Welsee, now now I'm doing it.

Did you want to know?

I can only do people that we all know and their comedians sowre Kramer.

It's my favorite.

Talk about the fun guy.

Talk about the Every time you tell the story, it doesn't lead it. Why do I sound like it sounded like Trump every time?

Yeah, you a little like New York all Jersey, don't.

He gets loud and then he maybe I can't do it anymore.

You maybe I can't do your heads toned.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, everybody like Zoo sou Zoo, you know, Skittles, something about the thing.

Now, I'm now I'm gonna go Bama cigarette from something our Cramer everywhere.

I like that. You just say the thing that he does.

I just blurred outward is always going to zoo zoo.

Taking that is I like the zebra.

Sum there you go.

You gotta say to get into it, get jug um.

I gotta go. Take me to Molly Malone's.

I guess I can't do it anymore. Oh, yeah, it's time for your comedy concert.

This is fifteen minutes.

Oh it is, Oh never mind, sorry, No, that's okay.

Well we should probably we'll head on back.

I mean, no, take your get you there exactly. I don't want to be there.

Yeah, let's talk about your show.

Yeah, it's like the format is a dozen people.

Oh they said it, I don't. I think it's mostly stand ups. There's some kind of weird thing about a variety show. And then like when I got booked towards eight people, and then today when he listed it, there was I think twenty.

People, so I'm like terrified, unacceptable.

So what's that everyone does four minutes?

I probably I probably just get in there and be like I gotta go hopefully.

I hate it when it's a show like that and it's like okay, showcase time and then everyone's doing fifteen minutes like some that.

I I really love the guy who hosts this, but that has happened, so we'll see. He usually keeps it pretty tight. But even then, even if it's tight, you might go up after thirteen people, you know, So we'll see. But but hey, no, it's not an open mic. It's booked.

You know.

Love love comedy.

I love.

I'll show up. I don't care what it is. I'll do it.

I like when you get booked like at Flappers and they're like how many people did you bring?

Like? What did I get?

He barely brought myself. Yeah, be happy, there's a warm body here.

Yeah.

I used to do shows, uh damny Joe Duran and she would always be like, how many are you bringing? People, and I would be like, no, I'm not I'm sorry.

It was just not that is the experience I even talking about. It was one of her Yeah, and she and someone said, oh, how many people did you bring in? I texted her and I said, did I get booked on a Bringer show? And then she said yeah, some people are divas about it. And I was like, oh, I won't be doing your show.

She makes a lot of money up those Yes, that's not.

A redeeming quality. Yeah, it's a sorry talking.

When I came back from my bago, she I met her and she sent me an email saying here are the shows that I book you should do some, And I swear to god this email scrolled forever.

Oh yeah, they're very intense, how many lots of different colors.

And she just goes and picks up the check. She doesn't even show up, like she wasn't at this thing.

Actually, Like, I don't totally dislike her. I've had fun at her shows. But I did tell her. I was like, I'm not bringing anyone.

I've only heard that she's actually a nice person. Yeah, I shouldn't talk smack, but she didn't call me a First of all, thank you because I immediately I'm in a classification with share.

Yes, I mean I don't.

Oh, you just reminded me to do my new Diva bit.

Let's hear it.

Thanks. It's about how like if you go shop at like the big girl stores, everything's named Diva, and it's like, do I have to be a bitch to get a supportive bra? Get it? Whatever? Yeah?

I have to be a bit.

They got a bottle brah. That's my Howard Kramer.

Again.

On Yeah, that's about it.

Let's drop her off, like, we'll see what I don't get. Give you some streak.

This is my really dirty car right here, guys on the right, you can see.

Perfect.

My license plate has been diagonal falling off for three years.

You ever get a ticket for that?

No, it's so nice when I see other people with it, because it's like they're my brethren, like I feel connected to them.

To fix that anyway, you don't, I can't.

I've tried just a flathead screw driver.

No, it doesn't like the thing is broken whatever.

There's no metal there.

It's all like cracked and fucked up.

One time I just glued my it was swiddling like that, and I just put some glue on the bumper.

Yeah, that's probably.

Glue it. Yeah, thanks for the advice.

That's advice everywhere, ended on a topic that sounds like made everyone depressed, will fix almost.

Everything, you guys, But this has to be this guy has to be on the show, right.

Oh yeah, okay, oh yeah.

Isn't it funny like comedians?

Yeah, just loves comedy.

He's got the required pledge.

He definitely has the look.

Yeah, and some black frame.

Glasses and don't get me started on that belly. Impressed.

It was like, started on that belly, just your punchline, give me.

Start, started all that belly and then it's like get started, get.

Who knew that this would be my get her done? Thank you for listening to do you need to write? Thank you anything? Plug?

When is this coming out?

Do you know?

Day?

Oh I'm gonna be well. I have a show every Friday at Sauce or Disano Pizza in East Hollywood called Sauce.

It's a great show. Yeah, great pizza.

The pizza is insane. So it's every Friday at eight pm.

You're in l A and you like pizza and you like comedy.

Show.

It's really fun.

Always hosted by someone great, and tell us about your podcast.

My podcast is called Lady to Lady on the Max Fun Network. Uh, and it's hosted with me and Brandy Posey and Test Barker and we have a funny girl. He's definitely on the show.

Yeah, those noodle arms, he's the closer. I think what those are started get started also.

After his.

Thank you for listening to Thank you guys for the ride and five star ratio.

Yes, please review us, and thank you for being on Barbara, thank thank you listening. You need a wyan are leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a termino and gay, we want to send you off inside.

You wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you you need a ride? Do you need ride? Do you ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Cress mm hmmm