Ep. 64 - Karen and Chris

Are leaving.

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine? Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? That's sighing next to me. It's Karen Kilgarriff. I'm Chris Fairbanks and I'm Karen. Yes, yeah, I mean we covered I ruined the I.

Have to say. It is like the signature verbal signature.

I am me, I am only Chris Fairbanks.

Listen to the airport while we're we're still here.

We're the sights and sounds of l a X just passing the international yates. See if you can pick out some accents, maybe German or Taiwanese.

Or Winnipegean, which is where I just came up.

How are the Winnipegans doing?

I love them and I mean and I'm sincere when I say, there are some of the and I think it's kind of all of Canada. I'm slowly starting to understand how incredibly amazing Canada is, because it's like a country filled with librarians, like very reasonable, seemingly educated people who don't speak in loud tones and who listen. It's very strange and it was a very satisfying experience.

Oh sure, mister buss ass, that's all I could think to call him, because he was rubbing against.

Me, rubbing it up against you, and that was.

What a rude. I have half a mind to call the hurtzmanal cap here's the.

Thing that you might be in the that lane. Could you be in the shuttle lane?

You're on his side?

Well, I have to be. I can't believe I am the Devil's Advocate starring Keanu Reeves an al Pacino.

Al Pacino is so good that he is. He gives a huge performance, not.

A one, he gives. He gives the largest performance, al pacino size performance.

I like how he yells a lot.

Yeah you know why, because he does it in weird ways, like Christopher Walkin speaks. He yells with strange accents, which is kind of really the secret to acting. Yeah, it just kind of twisted around.

Her ones vocal. I remember taking an acting class and she said, you kind of stay at the same volume me. I want you to occasionally get loud and then get quiet. And I'm like, oh, so, don't act like a normal human, right exactly. You're telling me not to act natural.

You might have a little Canadian India gus truly. I mean, do you know what I'm talking about?

People that are just kind of calm. I like to stay quiet like a nation of librarians. Yeah. No, I love every part of Canada I've been to, and that's Calgary and Quebec, yes, and some BC. I guess. I've been to most of the providences providences. I've been to Rhode Island.

Provinces and then province.

Where is Winnipeg for those who don't know, of course, I do.

You know.

I couldn't offhand. What I remember being told is we were kind of directly above Minnesota, Okay, and it's apparently one of the coldest cities in the world.

Wow.

It's further north than Siberia, wow, and colder than most places.

Now, let's say you got hold of a Siberian tiger let's say you caught that tiger pike. Yes, and he hasn't hollered, so you've.

So I don't have to let him go.

No, no, not yet, but once he does, you could take a Siberian tiger and just take him to Winnipeg and he'd be like, ah, home sweet home.

He might be like, oh, could you get me a tiger sweater?

I would I do anything to make it tiger happy or just keep him from getting mad?

Remember that part in did you ever see the movie Man Hunter? Which was a prequel to Silence of Lambs And it's an eighties movie very much.

No, there's a prequel the Silence.

Well, it's not an official prequel, but in the book series it is the prequel, but not the movies don't necessarily connect in any way.

But it's like Shawshank Redemption as a prequel to the Body which became stand by Me. It's just in the same book.

No, no, so different because that's like similar authors, and that's like the Stephen King world or whatever they call it. Yes, but this is actually Hannibal Elector is in Manhunter. Oh, but he is not the star and it's not about him his business. Well, it's kind of similar. It's his business handle elector eight. Have you been? Have you watched this TV series? It's so good?

Should I? Yes?

I one hundred percent recommend it. It's really graspuating.

Wasn't it canceled and everyone was up in arms?

Yes? Okay, but this this last season is just ending. But it's so gorgeously shot and beautifully are directed and like very thoughtful and the action crazy and it's very graphic. I think that's what people don't like or like. Probably what suits don't like about it is like literally every episode animal act or eats someone in a very gourmet, highly gourmet way.

Oh wow, But it's it's.

Very well written and well done.

But I would love it already. I love Russian humans ee, the other humans.

It's and beautifully like with a big it'll be like a big beautiful cabbage leaf underneath.

And he's just presenting it for himself, like he makes no.

He often is feeding it to other people they don't know.

Oh see a guy did that in Great Falls, Montana once and I not to you, I guess in a TV movie or a series, it's okay, but no, just to some neighborhood people.

Yeah, that's horrifying.

And then someone about my age was from Great Falls after a show in Boise, and she said, I'm from Great Falls. And every time I hear about Great Falls, I hear about that kid who was cooked up and served in the neighborhood banquet style. And she said, yeah, that was my neighbor. And she started to cry, and I'm like, well, I'm great with people.

Hold on, no, I reject her doing that to you.

She it was she didn't want to feel bad.

How many years had it been.

I don't know if she burst into tears, but she'd seemed very close.

To the maybe put that on people though you show.

Maybe she had a taste I may have.

Really well, then she shouldn't leave her goddamn house.

I still can't have meat low.

I used to look hot dug so much. Now I can't have any dug.

I'm so all your poor thing. That's why. That's why I say when cries, oh.

Oh, bless your bless your little hearted. But I say when people cryst you're not allowed to put that on me.

Yeah, that's why I should don't put that ship on ma.

Take take that ship back home and work it out until you can be out in public. That's my style.

Are you so you did shows at some kind of festival? Am I right about that?

Yes? It was the first year of the Winnipeg Comedy Festial, which is called the odd Block Festival of All not to be confused with the odd Ball No, although it probably helped them publicity wise.

To confused, but just in case you're googling festivals and you start with.

Oh, yes, that one would be the Meryl Streep to this young local talent, hot actress. But still in community theater.

How were the comics in Winnipeg? I heard there's a lot of funny.

People there there, there were great people there. I can't say that I saw. There was a couple like local shows, but.

I was doing Latin themed shows.

Locals only Oak. Don't you know local Wednesdays.

Don't you know it sounds like I'm doing a racist voice. But that's from Cypress Hill.

Oh.

I was going to do Love's Blind Homegirl, and that's from.

Me Vi to Loca. We started to Edward James almost has a smooth face. I've used that joke on the show before the game, I.

Laughed, I do that though. That's kind of my thing. I enjoy your comedy.

Thank you, thank you. I enjoy yours too, Oh my god, thank yous. Enjoy your company.

They it seemed that they did. Here's the one funny thing that happened, because Drennan and I've been performing our songs together so much with.

You on this strip were he was there, okay.

But then we all they also booked us separately on shows.

Oh cool.

So there was one show and of course, as it happens at festivals. I don't know if any of our listeners have ever gone, but they're like, it's like shows all day long, for say, three days in a row, and so you kind of were like looking at a piece of paper, You're like, I've got one at seven, I've got one at nine, and I've got one at eleven. Whatever. So I kind of forgot that I had this show by myself, so I showed up. I went to the show.

Why did I think it was a damn funny ladies? Competition.

Nope, there's there's an j All Jane No Dick, which is in Portland, I believe next.

Time nothing to do with Winnipeg, okay, but North sure times.

And Ria Butcher, who's Lario's participating, one of my She's one of my favorite people because I did uh. I just have gotten to hang out with her a lot lately because we were in Denver together at High Planes just the weekend before. I'm very I'm festivaled out. I will tell you that right now, are you? I just am too old. I don't want to hang around. I don't want to listen to fresh young comics who love to riff riffing presentationally anymore. All that has lost any

Just and the way that I and most comics deal with it, it's like, well, let's get drunk so we can be comfortable with everyone talking at once. Yes, yeah, and that's what I do. And you don't have that luxury.

I don't have that luxury, and I don't have the luxury of really anything right now, except for unfortunately, my main serious problem, which is sugar. And I don't know if you've ever had a Canadian KitKat.

No, but I do know they do amazing things with our candies.

Yes, Canada is doing it right because they're clearly using whole products and right making things taste delicious and not filling them with wax.

And kit caught the kit cat, that's first of all, that's how they pronounce it. They put an ume land over the A, and by that I meant um lot. Wow, what the fuck's wrong with my brain?

I like the idea of a fucking kit cat which is big enough to lay in and take a nap in and eat at the same time.

But that's the best, right kit cat bite your Pillowiera and I love it. Yeah, they'll you'll buy the chocolate and it it tastes like the chocolate of a toe.

Blar right, Yeah, exactly, It's very rich. But then the kitcat wafers had almost a very slight malted taste to them. It just tasted really good. And so the first one I had, they had like a tiny little store in the front of the hotel, the Alt Hotel, which is a very nice hotel, in Winnipeg. If you're going, I will completely plug them, because I thought it was gonna be kind of gross.

The old hotel sponsored all hotel.

They like to use primary colors and fancy chairs made of rope. I can't explain it.

Not rope chairs, it's all the hotel will leave a light on for you. Whoops, we're being sued.

So they had. I would be like, everyone would be hanging out and they'd start the next show and they'd be like, yeah, let's go do this, and then I'd be like, totally, I'll see you in one minute, and I would get into a mini van and make some child drive me back to the hotel.

Oh you Irish goodbye and nothing. Every times but the parties early without telling anyone.

I'm proud of it because I don't owe anybody anything at this point.

And the thing is, I always noticed when Howard Kramer always did that. When I moved here, I'd be hanging out with him. Then he just spared, and I called it, where'd you go? Worried about as well? Being yeah, there went home? Then well then I'd have to say goodbye and everybody, and I didn't want to have to part of that you'll be doing it soon.

Part of it too, I mean, part of it is just it's self preservation and it's it's for sanity of like then you you don't want to get into these rounds of like goodbye, No, we'd have to.

Talk to you about one thing whatever, no, thank you.

But the other thing is, which I believe Howard and I both suffer from, is self importance, where we really think people are gonna make a big deal, so we gotta do this thing just you know what I mean, Like there is a bit of a self aggrandizement concept of I have to irish goodbye, right or everyone will just tear it my sweater because I'm so popular. It's a little bit of that. But at this thing, it's more like they're doing shows, and truly, I'm I know

I think that you're probably being realistic, I think I am. I mean at the level of how much do they want you? Are they going to be clawing, are they really gonna hurt your sweater, right? Or are they just gonna bore you with their thoughts on comedy, which is bad enough.

It's pretty bad. I mean, there was a couple of people there that it was fun to see, and like Michelle Buteau was there, who's one of my favorite people. Such a hilarious comedian and such a I just could spend every day with her.

I'm guessing by the way you pronounce her name, i'd have trouble spelling it.

Uh you eau, Yeah, a little bit. If you don't know her from stand up in New York coll I know her from cipling. No, I don't know.

I should I don't know a lot of New Yorkers. Actually, I need to go there more.

Michelle and Riha and I were like a posse that sounds and we had a great time.

I like Rea skateboards.

She's hilarious, truly, so fun.

She was a little skate rat.

That's right. I saw those pictures on Twitter. Yeah, so we had the girls had a good time, and then once they both left on the same day, and then I was like, all right, well anyhow, but it was a very fun and I met We have a big fan in Winnipeg named Ian. I don't remember your last name Ian. I I'm not sure his Twitter is Twitter avatar is crazy. It looks like he's standing on stage doing comedy, but he's with like a like a couga clock on his head.

Oh I wish we could. We're always given shout outs, but then we don't. I know, we don't know the details.

Name, but I know the details, but you don't. I got to meet him in real life, but he was there, came to all my shows. Is a big fan of the podcast and a fan of Drennan and my songs, and it was just cool. It was nice to have a fan.

I guess right now it's time we apologize for not having an episode last Monday. This Monday. But but we've been busy. I have a job job now, Chris has a job job. It's a job job. I wake up, stay late job job, every day job. And well, you know, I'm getting used.

To it, and we're doing our best, and.

We both have had weekend gigs.

And here's what I love though, I will say this. I love that this is not we're not just doing this in evacuuming up our own ass, like we're being idiots or self indulgent. I love that people actually complain to us if we don't put this out, because that means it actually means something to people other than just you. And yeah, that's very nice.

At least two people out there that look that get upset and our voicing. Who knows how many other dozens aren't saying anything about it.

They might even be angrier and they can't talk because their faces.

Are so red because theirs are shaking.

They want to murder using our part.

Oh god, let's keep doing it. That sounds terrible.

Yes, we are all going to be mood anyway. Sorry. So that was nice and it was just a fun thing. It was like, it was very cool to be in a different country but not have to fly on a plane for that long and have a legitimately different vibe of culture and of like.

Because a lot of people scoff at the idea of that, because you go to Calgary and it doesn't seem that different. It just seems like a laid back town in Texas because there's oil buildings everywhere, a gas company. But the part of Canada you were in, did it feel European at all?

Other than no, you know what, it felt like that was different to me. I kept tripping every time I walked in anywhere, because there's a little ledge everywhere you walk in because of snow. So you know, like nothing's just flat flat once you know what I mean, You're you have to step up to go into any restaurant. And so the first day I was there, I tripped pretty much everywhere I walked into. But there were things like that I noticed.

They call that the American shovels to come in.

Oh I heard people talking behind my back, That's what they were saying. Yeah, she shuffled on in. But it's the kind of place that you can tell. And maybe this is just because I'm from California and so snow places look similar to me, like the one first time I was in Madison or whatever, where like the roofs have a certain angle. All the buildings are very flat fronted. You're not gonna have a thing on the front of your building and it's gonna collect snow, right sure, things

And there's probably basements. You know, the only reason for basements, it's because the has to be six feet underground.

Oh yeah, yeah, so don't freeze.

So around here, pipes don't freeze. Nope, no need for basements except maybe storage. But screw you. You got pipe, You can afford a storage unit. You don't have to huddle up in the winter, right, So you're working during the winter, whereas you know in Montana people just hide behind their beards and flannel.

The idea, though, of living in a snow environment is borderline romantic to me now because I've only ever done it once, and it was in New York City. Yeah, the coldest it got was ten and I couldn't stop laughing. I got off the subway. I thought it felt like I was in a jar of liisteringe and I laughed all the way to the front door of my work. Oh my eyes were watering, and it was like when I inhaled. It felt crazy and I'd never it was like being on a different planet. I'd never experienced anything

It was part of my life forever. I would spend year round some years where it was snowing. Just take really take my body to Oregon, even in the summertime and go to snowboard camps. And it was so important to me to be around snow and probably the most.

Important, and it was snowboarding.

It was the Yeah, it was just to be able to snowboard all the time. I snowboarded like it was my job, but it really wasn't.

Did you ever get sponsored?

No?

I you know, my cousin Ross rode for K two and so he got free stuff and then I got stuffed through him.

And oh nice.

So you just made it easier. But it is an expensive sport. It's like golfing or something. It's like you're spending a lot of money for I used to live in Oregon, just buy a pass and live off saltines in the lodge.

And fucking love saltines though.

But every day I don't know how I survived. And just hiking every day. Oh and always having energy. That's that's a story about a twenty year old person.

Also where now, if you did get protein, where would you get some protein?

I would buy TVP, which is textured vegetable protein. It comes in powder form, you add water and then put it in a pan. I seriously ate that one winter every day.

What the fuck. Is that like.

It is? Yeah, it's it's a texture vegetable. It's it's even poorer. You can buy it in bulk. I just had a giant bag of dry powder that was my dinner, and I didn't really complain. I think it was actually pretty healthy because I was eating the same thing every day, like someone training for something.

Yeah, but who would eat that normally?

Sorry, someone that probably doesn't also drink malt liquor every night. So I was. I was solid muscle, but I had a nice belly on me, just to give that fun that uh, extra extra kiss if I don't quite care enough about myself.

Or maybe it might look like you at a parasitic twin. Just maybe, yes, just because everything else made so much sense.

A parasitic worm with my face, just gorging away snowboard beer.

Feed me, feed me beer at snowboards.

I wish I had arms and legs, but I'm just sedimentary.

So I will rule you. I have all kinds of political aspirations.

It's all. What if you have an evil typeworm that just was hell bent on ruling the world, buddy is caught in your body, Yeah, it would at least give you.

Indigestion in the very least, you'd be worried, just.

A little power hungry Trump.

I don't know if we've talked about this, but that idea of a tapeworm with your face very much upsets me.

Oh, it's the worst ever since I brought it up.

Have you been as upset as.

For the past minute.

Yes, I am krrying because do you remember that book? Well, I saw it as a book, but it was also the movie called Freaks, and it was the circus people, and then the people went to the circus and they ended up like it's it's an old like a movie from the thirties, and it features all of these circus performers who so it's like, you know, the very a very the tiniest man in the world. It was maybe

Gonna look it up and act like they know it.

Right, Well, let me call the people out really fucking getting in their faces, like.

Daddy and what's your last name? We should know? Take that fan? He would never he wouldn't you know him better than I do?

Uh? Yeah, I know really well. Well, but there was a man in that series and he they called him the Worm, and he not only was a little person, he was very very little and he had no arms or legs, so he was literally ahead on a body of a stump. And his thing was that he could roll cigarettes with his mouth.

That was his power.

Well, like that was his yeah, I mean, like and the second I saw him in that book, like because when I was young, I used to love morbid curiosities like that, Like I was very fascinated about those kinds of things until I saw that guy, and then I was like, that is very upsetting.

Yeah, just so he's a worm like man.

Yeah, I mean, like, you know, there was a person that took care of him well, because the thing that bothered me was you could just pick him up if you wanted to.

I kind of understand why you would smoke. His smoking's bad for your circulation and over time people have cold tingling extremities fingertips. He didn't have to worry about that. Smoke away, Johnny.

That's right, And it made him look cool because he's like, oh, you think I'm just a worm man. We'll check this shit out. I can do a thing that almost no one can do. Roll a cigarette.

Now, was there a smoking worm in Alice? In Wonderland?

There was a smoking centipede guy. Yes, he had tons of legs.

Centipedes are like worms to me, with legs, lots of millions of legs.

It's they're basically equal opposites.

Misfits of science. Do you remember that show?

I remember the name.

There was a Courtney Cox I think could become invisible. That was Courtney Cox was in Okay. And then there was another huge guy that could get very small. That's all I remember. But it sounds like Freaks. Sounds like it was based off of Freaks.

It was, yes, except for they were just from the thirties.

Yeah, I think could play it after a greatest American hero.

Like literally one of the freaks was just a super fat lady.

That now, well that's not yeah, nowadays we don't say that. You would just call her a modern woman.

Hey what hey, God, damn it.

That's no, it's it's not. I'm it's just because I have a beard, and I don't know why you've never dressed it.

I'm glad you because so I can wear a tuxedo on the weekend half.

Half tuxedo half wedding dress. It's like to be that person have the dress on the beard side, just to mess with people.

Well, that's called RuPaul's drag race, my friend.

I know a lot of people do it these days because the new look, it's almost like a hipster drag look these days, is to be this insanely gorgeous woman.

But that I mean, I shouldn't say that. An insanely gorgeous person that looks like a woman but has a total hipster beard. You got it? These days, they you have to.

I think, Well, it's not like you're going to go up to someone and say, how do you identify yourself?

I would? I guess, I guess I'll start, I mean, or you can just hang out until they say something thing or learn their name. I think maybe learning people's names is the key.

Yeah, oh god, we all know. I'm bad at that.

I know. Then then you're saying someone's name over and over like a weird cult leader who wants that.

I don't even like it. During news interviews, when someone goes they're on laddermen and they're like, well, David. You know, David, I uh, and that's basically the story. David. Yeah, stop doing that little gimmick. Well, see right through it. If you say my name hated when people the same.

Name me, same here, what are you trying to get for me? Keep your hands out of my wallet?

Yeah, just yelled at.

But so you can just drop me off here on the four or five.

Dishambled, disheveled, dis shredded tire. Get inside it. Act like that baby. Act like the baby.

Act like a baby from Michelin. You called it dishambled, which might be my favorite word now. Oh, it's so dishambled over here.

I love making up where I find that I do it a lot now that I'm in a room of a room of writing. I say things and I realized because I'm talking out loud and I'm hearing myself talk more often. Yes, and I'd noticed it a little when we're doing this, but I sometimes just don't know what the hell I'm saying.

Karen, you just get a whole new word coming out. Yeah, I love it. Is that room fun and be careful, becaus this will be recorded forever and most of the people you work with listen to.

Our I've had a lot of fun. We laugh, and ideas are had. There's times where we're on a roll. But the hard part is coming up with ideas and really and them not being approved. Yes, because it is a pilot and the network has a lot of opinions on what the show should be that aren't necessarily what we want to make, which is something that is in all comedy. It also has to be informational. So yeah, coming up with factual things and then basing jokes off

Yes, Well that's how it is on pilots. Yeah, you just everyone. I think oftentimes even the network doesn't really know what they want. They just keep saying that they don't want until something takes shape.

Yeah. It's when I was doing art for a living. That was so common that people, just to validate their position, would say, no, they know what they don't want, but they couldn't begin to describe what they do want. Yeah, and then so you'd end up drawing a bunch of different things or designing other versions of it based on their feedback, and ultimately they end up liking the first thing you ever showed them.

Yeah, but I.

Think that hopefully that happens here a little bit.

Yeah, because nobody's going to go with the first thing. I mean that just illogical to You have to just kind of suss out all options.

Yeah. No, one's willing to believe that your first idea might be your best because it's your because.

It's the first. Yeah, and it's and you look at it as like, eventually you look at it. It's it's fun to think of nine options and then if you have to go back to the first one, fine, But like the fun and the game and the talent everybody has is the ability to come up with endless amount of choices.

Yeah, and it's kind of fun to do that because then when you do come up with another one that's a variation, that's better. It feels even better because it was teamwork.

It really is a fun thing.

Yeah, it's hard for me just in general. Oh sorry too, No, no, to Yeah, to assemble an idea with people, Is that what you're gonna say?

Yeah? Group writing, Yeah, you have to get used to it because you you're you were such a like one man band when you did World Stumbas.

Yeah, with the symbols and then I trumpet, and then.

You wouldn't even work with a monkey.

No selfish, I needed something grinded, but I yeah, it's it's been interesting working with others. It's been interesting going into a room that is just has a table and no windows, and I don't smoke or anything. There's no like brakes. I you know, I'm thinking of just periodically getting up and doing sit ups or jumping jacks because I'm already feeling quite sedentary. And yes, it's thet drive there. My back jiggles a little more because I've lost musculature.

Yes, so it's true. It's a very well also, well you're not this anyway, but like I'm already like a stress eater or like an emotional eater, so then you get into that kind of thing of like when you do leave the room, it's to go get something or suddenly you have these weird cravings exactly, and then you're fighting.

Now, yes, it's happening. I've been either there's these bags of little chewy fruits. Yes, and I'm not a candy own of a sweet tooth, and I'm developing one out of boredom. Yeah, hopefully be nice, mister Carr, you did it.

Yeah, uh no, that's that can be the worst part. I started drinking a lot of green tea. But my problem is just I always balance, like anxiety or any kind of negative feeling. My answer has always ingest something yeah, instead of like me write it out and just you know, understandable.

Yeah. The reasons you decided not to drink anymore, I have the same why. I'm pretty addictive, I think, And I don't need it to be coffee all day because my ass is gonna fall.

Out of it.

It's just going to drop out.

But it really does do something in the morning. I mean, it really does get your brain going and get your kind of like when you have to be hyper. It's like that commedy thing you have to be in a little spazzy state to kind of let good things.

It took me a few days to start blurting. I think I get kind of shy and I'll have an idea of that. I'm like, it's going to be dumb. But now I just let the dumb ideas fly like I do on this podcast.

Right. Well, I told Jamie that on the first day she was she just reported back to me of like here's this and here's that. And then I said, is Chris quiet? And she said he was kind of quiet, and I said, yep, he's going to do that until like you just wait till the end of the week because I know that you're exactly like me in that way, where like when I'm in a question mark situation, I just wait. I let everybody else, do you know what I mean? Like, that's my thing is just kind of

Yeah. I'm just starting to get to where it's like, Okay, I'm a valid part of this.

Let me speak my mind, but you need to. It's almost like I always need to know exactly what the game is, you know what I mean, like instead of just like hey, what about this that like I hate being wrong so much that I have to know the full perimeter, right, I don't know saying.

Yeah no or your your kind of voice in the room. Mine has been people are setting up an idea and I blurred out what the person should should say, trying to get a laugh in the room. But I'm, you know, structure. I think I need to leave to other people because I'm schizophrenic. Schizophrenic. Nope, okay, I wasn't asking him.

Oh you're asking the other voice.

See that's a classic one two bit.

It was good.

Oh it's Cat's Gillon, Cat's skillion. It's Cat's Gillion. Am I going the right?

I'm going Yeah, you're gonna have to get all the way over to the left pretty much.

I am going some time right when we're done, purchase gasoline.

Okay, weird.

Hey, I think there's a few things we should know. This podcast is going.

Okay, right, I feel great about it.

I guess who's driving O.

Chris Fairbanks is driving? Yeah, and sound manning.

And also we were at Lax there was a lot of traffic and didn't who didn't fly off the engines?

Chris Fairbanks? Yeah, not one time.

Yeah. And I think it's you know, I'm learning to play well with myself.

That's private.

Well.

Also it's that I was actually super tense because all day long I've thought today was Sunday, and because it's just one of those weird.

Like, right, we were planning home on a Sunday, meaning we would have had the podcast.

That's okay, But also that's the terrible night at LAX. And even though it's not great right now, what certainly.

Wasn't as terrible Monday?

Was its Monday worse than Sunday.

I don't know, you're right, because.

Sunday's the end of the weekend. Yeah, so at least it wasn't. I mean, it was like ninety percent awful, but at least it was ninety eight percent off.

Yeah. I always come back on Sunday. Yeah, certainly all the comics are coming back on Sunday.

Yes, yes, okay, And actually he I asked him to do the podcast. He had already gotten a ride, but he wants to do it.

Oh yeah, that would have been great if he just jumped in. But we can have him in the future. Yes, terrific.

This was my time, my time. It's actually fun to legitimately be getting a ride home from you, though.

Isn't it it? Have we have? Have we done it like this?

I can't remember.

I can't remember. If maybe someone out there could tell us which episode.

I've been driven home before it was just.

Karen and I. Did we drive Karen home from l A X I don't think answer that, and you get a free pillow case filed with soap. Yes, nuts this okay, no scared of this. Oh, certainly I will appear drunk now, I'm just drifting like i'm driving in.

What have you been doing?

Work?

Sorry?

Working? But also site's been doing some stand up still I'm trying to keep doing that. I've been doing warm up for the comments section, which has kind of become fun. I've like a headset and the guy's like, Okay, we're gonna need applause out of breaking.

How many have you done?

I think six of them?

Oh, that's great, and.

It's I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm realizing you don't just do your jokes, you you. I literally have to make the audience laugh the second, third, or fourth time they've heard the same joke. Yeah, and yell at them like fourth graders, which is weird because some of them are people I know that aren't being paid to be there. Yeah, but other audience member studio audiences are often paid, and often they're just like just

Maybe English isn't their first language, maybe they're on a tiny bit of smack, or it's just.

An audience person that's simply on smack.

And it's a simple ast smack.

It's a simplest smack.

Oftentimes in this town.

They have they have they have billboards.

Actually, I'm very proud that you're doing you're still doing that, because I think warm up is the hardest job there is.

It's fun. I mean, it's an opportunity to get paid to kind of do stand up in town. And also it's it's forcing me to fill a lot of time and not worry ready and not have jokes. And yeah, it's made me tell stories that I think will turn into jokes. And it's been nothing but enjoyable.

That's great.

I like being busy, Karen, look at.

You, Johnny. Two jobs.

Yeah, Jimmy, Jimmy, two chaps. Can I be Jimmy? Sorry it's your middle name is James?

Oh yes, absolutely? How about Jimmers, let's not be crazy about it. That's what I call my dad when when he's mad, to make him a little more mad. Jimmers, what's wrong? It off?

That's my dad's name to jimmers.

Did you ever throw jimmers at him?

I haven't yet.

It's fun. He'll really gum up the works.

Sometimes sometimes I call him Jimmy, Jim Jim. That's his second wife's.

She would say that, how many wives has he had?

What's that?

How many wives does he have?

His third wife? And when my dad first got married the second time, so I guess not the first.

Time, the second time first got remarried.

Yes, when he first got remarried, I was a little nervous because he's they were very excited, you know, out of their first marriages, divorced, and then so excited that they were matching Rugby shirts. Uh, you know, that took its start. But we went to a therapy forum. We went to a landmark seminar, and I said, I hate these shirts. He's like, okay, son, don't stop wearing rugby

It's just easier for me to see them in a group.

Well you are, you don't know, you're doing irreptable damage to their development as an adult. You might as well give them.

These rifles boo. But in your case, it was your parents that were wearing matching shirts.

Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, dad. If you're listening, sir, and.

We're laughing at oh, I'm so sorry, I gyms, I'm so sorry. But the idea that it is terrible because it's just like you know what parents are anyway.

You turn just because we've only been talking about forty minutes.

Oh, keep it going, let's keep this going. But the idea that it was such a problem that you had to take it to the Landmark Forum is incredibly delightful to me.

Well, I saw, and really I had to come up with something fast because the guy that spoke right before me was a big tough truck driver and boy did his dad touch his bottle?

Oh man, And he.

Was being very open and honest, and he's like, well, ye, he had his way with me number of times, and it was be a huge tough guy and it must have been so hard for him to talk. And then I was just scrambling like a dad, hit me, hit me, now give me something. But yeah, it was. It was that thing is a cult. And I think you're familiar with the Landmark thing, but yes, not a cult.

I want to it's like a pid scheme. It is ye for something.

I feel like they scam the people that end up giving the becoming the leaders of it.

Yeah. Also, anytime you have to pay a bunch of money to get healthy.

Right, I guess what.

The therapy is pretty expensive, but I have insurance. Yeah you can't, you know, And it's like it doesn't increase my I know, I'm going to pay one hundred bucks each time to like basically complain at one lady and she does. She doesn't say here's what you've got to do one, two, three, four five, She just goes, I don't know about that.

And then I go right, Yeah, the deeper you got with this thing, the more that seminars cost, you realize the people teaching them are hypnotized into doing it for almost nothing. You know. That's the problems I had with But I had what I did get a lot out of it, and I think it was because I went with my family.

Well, and also this goes back to mind. I know

Yeah, and I think I can use it.

Right now.

Yeah, I'm gonna say I uh, as a kid, Karen and I I used to eat my bookers. And you know what I haven't told anyone ever. I it was gross.

It is gross.

Yeah, And to quit to quit, and I quit on my own. I would imagine me collecting so many boogers together that it was the size of a baseball, and I had to bite it like an apple, Like an apple, a sphere of boogers. Sometimes different people's no, yeah, and that's how I quit.

Is any of this true?

Yes?

Is it for real?

Hey, that's not what they do. What if I went to that truck driver your butthole? What kind of a father?

Is that?

Is any of this true?

But that's why I'm not on the podcast with that truck driver. It's not at all.

I'm glad it feels good for me to have said that.

Fine, I'll say mine. I used to eat. My mom would buy Mulano cookies, booker balls that were I would collect them from around my neighborhood. My mom would get Milano cookies when guests would come over, because she had this specific dessert she used to make. And I would go in and you know how those peppers from cookies, they are laid in on levels, so there's like four in a little white cup, and then there's a piece of cardboard. So we would I would eat the levels

It was just a higher key or something.

It would be like or I would leave the cardboard in tipped up, so it was just holding the cups up, almost like a little house of cards. It was a real house of cards emotionally, because.

You know, it came toppling down one day.

Because clearly I had a major eating problem from day one, and so did you.

My problem was there's no goddamn food.

I guess that. Do you think that's what it might have been, like an anxiety response to that.

Yeah, I always ate, and I still eat with the urgency of someone in a prison mass hall, because I eat like someone's gonna come and take it away. Yeah, because oftentimes, and I think we've talked about this, my mom would find would make a dish or something and be there on the counter, and my sister and I would scramble over to get it, and she said, don't eat that. It's for a recipe for work. You're like, damn it, frozen burritos. It is.

So she would do things like we knew she.

Was able to follow a recipe and cook. Well, not that late, but I think moms should maybe provide food.

No. Absolutely, My mom was the same way. We had truscuts. She would come home from work in the truscuts and cheese and wine and then sometimes throw in like a couple of chicken breasts and overcook them and make some minute rice. That was I actually love that meal now, Like if I make that, it's really comforting minute rice, canned corn and a really overcooked chicken breast.

That doesn't sound bad to me. I think it's the only person that went off to college and everyone's complaining about the food and the food zoo where everyone and I thought it was the best shit I'd ever eaten. I gained that fifteen pounds that people talk about.

It's so funny. It's like I always think about that of like, so the people who are so lucky that they don't that food isn't their thing, it's some other thing. And then I'm just like, yeah, but that thing is torturing them the way food tortures me. Yeah, it's all it's just a different result. It just seems to me like the people who are addicted to exercise, you know, or simply smack or simply smack, then they get to have nice bodies. Yeah, on all the great things that go along with it.

Loose teeth, loose.

Teeth being groped on the bus. Was this some cop action?

Yeah?

I don't know.

My cops are making me nervous lately. Is it something I've done?

Have you are your licenses?

All my licenses are in order. Fishing good commercial.

Driving c class. You can drive a.

Big gears shift the fun out of Can you do one.

Of those three point turns on the eighteen in an eighteen wheeler?

I can try right now and then that's the end of the podcast. Back. Oh, okay, I thought you were that person at the party.

That's very similar. Those truck drivers love to party.

Someone sent us a nice or sent me an email on my little contact for him on my website and said they really appreciate when we talked about our moms. So we really Yeah, maybe not this time, but we should have a mom episode.

We should. You know, it's weird. I will say this. I keep on dreaming. I don't know if you get this, ever. I keep having dreams where my mom is fine, and in the dream, I go, what the fuck? She was really really bad?

Yeah?

And in the dream, but you're not supposed to say anything in all dream.

And I have the same dream you have that dream?

Yeah, yeah, and you get I get really irritated, but I know I'm not allowed to be.

I get mad because she's been pretending.

Yes, yeah, and you can't but you know you can't.

Yeah.

Oh shit, we have the same same dream.

Yeah, I really do. I've I've, you know, because and I think that's good because we don't want to remember our moms without all their.

Brain right exactly.

It's I think it's good, and I think I that is how I remember my mom.

And it's easier because we definitely have resentment towards our moms, for lee, yes, and so it's easier to feel that towort of the healthy version of your mom in a dream, right than the feeling that I have sometimes, which is just like what the fuck and it just hits me randomly every once in a while where I just go, oh fuck, like that's such a weird absence yea, yeah.

I'm gonna run out of gas. Speaking of absence, the absence of feel I'm drunk right now. Speaking of absence, Ah.

Oh, you should not have gotten drunk on absence before you.

Can figure out, I'm just so blue and inviting. It's green, are green and inviting?

You were writing all your sad poems and sipping absent.

Oh yeah, I do it very classically. I have a thimble of coke and a powdered wig.

Yes, and then just tons of jokes for Jamie Lee's show.

Just coming off of a scroll. I just tomorrow, I'm just gonna roll it across the table here.

Hey, did you have to write? Did you have to watch the VMA's for that show?

No? No, but I did watch today a clip of Chris Hardwick hosting some segment of the VMA's in nineteen ninety five, and I realized, Wow, shit was twenty years ago.

Oh no, he's been busting ass for quite some time.

Is this where we were? Yeah?

Yes, your left hand. Yeah. I just watched the part which I really loved, where Nicki Minaj got her award and then she started talking shit at Miley sick.

Hey, yeah, explain that to me. I heard.

It was like basically, Miley Cyrus got interviewed and Miley Cyers was talking about race, some element of race and mentioned Nicki Minaj, which is not smart. But and so when she got her award. She was like, and now back to this bitch who's been talking about me in the press and did a dead yeah. Yeah, Miley, what's good? Which is my favorite. It's like because she's basically saying fuck you or like what's up? Or come at me?

You know, I'm pretty up to speed when I think most slang except I just sat up to speed.

But I think this is Nicki Minaj's personal slang, Like I think that's probably what she says, what's good, what's good? Which And I just I love her. Do you know that Miley cyrus in her in her classic Disney star child star way when you know that things get turned around in the press like weirdly calmly received the comment like when I the clip, I watched.

Like a well trained yes child who has.

Been just just a creepy uh person who was when they were seven was also thirty five, Yeah.

There was if I told you. By the time, there was like a celebrity golf tournament and on one team golfing together where Kenny g Michael Douglas and Haley Joel Osmond and he was Haley was sinking these long putts with the concentration of a seasoned pro.

Yeah.

And then at the end, but Kenny g and Michael Douglas, we're treating him like a kid, and he'd sink a pot and they'd put him up on their shoulders and like, hey, the kid, he's got it, and that he was like put me down, stirs like he seemed really And then at the end his dad came over and they shook hands with full eye contact, that kind of handshake that you only make with a business partner.

Oh no, And it just was.

But he seems to have grown up fine, grown up you know.

Oh my god, spoils a Babylon One of my favorite shows.

Is he on It?

He's on it. He plays Kristen Wiggs' son, and he's so funny. He knows exactly who he is, what he is, and he's hilarious and he is a great actor.

Yeah, maybe you don't need the pitfalls of struggling through a youth to become a level headed adult. No.

I think he had some pitfalls. I remember he got arrestled for dui.

Right, Yeah, I guess.

I mean, but yeah, your kids. He's no Macaulay Culkin. But no, no, I think he's lived at least he's lived a little.

He's no party monster.

No, he didn't murder anybody.

Sorry about that noise.

God damn it.

God damn the noise, God damn it. I'll try and doctor it. I'm not the best sound engineer, but I've been taking some stabs at it. Or the last step is you know, I'm doing what I can.

I mean, we're doing good for two people who don't know what the fuck they're doing. Ever, Yes, well you do that.

I'll take that. I'll take that.

I think we're doing good. The fact that, oh, when I was in Denver, there was a guy ship I'm sorry, I won't remember your name because it was Denver. That was one that was one festival ago. What is my life? I'm so old. But he told me that we our stuff goes up on Stitcher and there's something wrong.

Made a comment the other day and said you're no longer on stitcher and it makes me sad. So we got to find out what the hell stitcher is.

Yeah, we have to find out what that What can be done about it. What we're supposed to do here. The person I talked to said that that there might be people at All Things Comedy that know the passwords or whatever. Oka, but it was like it goes back to a certain it it ends at Chip Pope's episode, so yeah, it's a it's a recent thing.

Anyway, episodes ago.

Yeah, but I mean it's not like you know, I don't know.

We'll get to the bottom of it.

I mean, is there any other business you need to work out? Should I bounce my check book right now?

I could use I've counted up these receipts. I'll go ahead and handle.

These screen visor, Okay.

These are all it's all just in my wealth.

Jockey White, are you buying all this rhubarb?

I don't know. It's the tanginess, it's the fact I don't know what to do with it. It's the fact that I don't really like salary, but this looks like it, so maybe it don't help with my salary hatreds. I know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know rubarb from chinola?

But you do? You do? You're up on the slang.

Oh yeah, for Land's.

Sake, shinol. It doesn't exist anymore.

Though, No, no, it was. It was quickly pushed away by the popularity of which the kids can't stop talking.

Don't forget chick reroot or I'm so now we're just naming this because it sound weird.

Oh I love focab turetts Now I mean it. I'm dropping you off.

Your Okay, good, because I'm so tired. I'm gonna die.

Just lay down in the map. Lay down in a map. Okay, figure out what you're doing tomorrow.

Did you drop me off of the gas station? I have to buy a map?

Yes, of course. We haven't had a paper map for a decade, all of us. And I'm tired of these cash only places. I haven't had cash in my pocket since the nineties. Do I look like some kind of fence mender.

Yeah?

I get paid in checks, like grown up.

We just actually at this festival. We got paid in cash and it's pretty exciting.

Yeah, it's fun to get ale.

Is there a car in front of my house that's so set?

We're about to give them some lip?

This is what I fear.

Now they are in front of your house?

Okay, good?

Well that was a fun time there is.

Oh, I don't know. I'm so scared. I don't know want. I don't want to honk in front of my asshole neighbor. Chuck.

It's okay. I think people know that we do that, and I can do. You know that. I'm like a Michael Winslow and it comes to voice sounds.

Will you do a vocal honk?

Yeah, I can do that.

Okay, then I'm going to do your part. Okay, do you have anything you want to plug?

I am going to be doing some gigs with Todd Berry in the eleventh and twelfth ofly in Arizona at Tempe and Tucson on the respectively, eleventh and twelfth, and then Missoula, Montana, my hometown, with Todd Berry on the sixteenth.

Oh fun, and oh that you talked about that?

Sure for my calendar that I'm gonna sell a calendar?

Oh okay, yeah, self intuligent calendar of my own face, well me and photographs that are illustrating some of my jokes.

Oh that's cool. Yeah, is that your idea?

It's my friend Andy Chemis's he's a photographer, and he said, let's make a calendar, and I said, okay, I guess I'm not opposed to that.

That's a great idea.

Thanks.

I'm gonna be doing Dave Ross's Terrified live at Meltdown Comics on Monday, September seventh and nine o'clock. And that's kind of that. I like a lot. That's a live podcast. It should be good.

So that sounds great.

I feel like it. Come to that, I like it. I really like Dave Ross. All right, so this has been Do you need a ride?

D y n A R? Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and day Turman on engage.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared?

Or was it fine? Malt porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and cress

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