Ep. 61 - Jake Johannsen : Classic Episode

Are you leaving on?

You wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a turmano and gay. We want to send you off inside. You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris? Mhm, welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks j cole Gara. We are near L A X.

God, it's gorgeous, just kind.

Of hovering around it like.

A nervous school girl, like an or someone uh, you know, could be intimidated by our behavior, like a nervous school girl or a possible terrorist.

Yeah, we are hovering around l A X.

We might, we might have bad intentions, mal intent.

But not this time. No way, you're picking up the delightful Johnson. Yeah, maybe go around.

Yeah, let's do it.

Jac has just landed.

He is a major celebrity in the comedy world.

Be sure it's to me.

I I've looked up to him as a comedian since before I even started doing this stuff.

Yeah, he's I remember seeing him on Letterman long ago where he did his joke about it it's not guns that kill people, it's bullets because you right, do you remember that joke. There's something like that where then it does a whole thing about pushing a bullet into someone's head.

Oh right, that's funny.

Or maybe it was the opposite that people were saying, it's not guns don't kill people. People kill people, but you really do need the gun to get the bullet in, right, Yeah, something along the side.

It is the it's like a nail building a house, right without a hammer. No, it's very much like that.

I think that almost deserved like a rejoicing sound of recognition for me just.

Coming up with for how accurate that was of you?

Pretty accurate?

Yeah, to do Yeah, I don't what kind of rejoicing sound would you like to hear? Exactly like saying, oh, oh okay, exactly, let's do it again. Let's let's start over.

Oh bullet, Yeah, bullets kill people without a gun. Yeah, and a nail can build a house.

Oh my god, exactly, thank you?

Well, was that loud and horrible enough.

It was a little shrieky. That's me from the beginning. When I started doing comedy. People always like to compare you to That's always fun, a fun game.

Oh you're like a young new heart.

I'm like, I didn't even know he did stand up and I learned he did and I learned. But people compare it just because of people have said I'd talk like Ellen a little bit m hm, just because of the stammering or whatever. But I also someone said Jake Johnson months and so I found and this was pre internet. I don't know if I must have ordered a VHS tape or something, but I.

Was like, oh, I get it that. I like the way that guy thinks.

And I think I met him for the first time last year and I may have said something stupid like we have similar brains.

I don't even know.

No, he had seen me just we just did a show together and he liked what I did.

And I think while I was on stage.

Oh good, he knew you were a comedian.

And then I had just done well. And I also because I just watched him.

I do.

I do this sometimes where I kind of will do an impression of someone. Yeah, and like when Kramer was in our on our podcast, I was dug and like this little time, Yeah, I can't not do it. That's the third episode we've mentioned.

You know what. The subtitle of this show is the Howard Kramer Love Cast. We love him.

It's too bad, too bad, too bad. I'll never know unless he listens, he'll never know.

But yeah, I like the way Jake's brain thinks, and we're going to have his brain and his body in the car shortly.

What I am excited about. And when I say excited, I kind of mean like nervous and fear based because as everyone knows, we talk about it all the time, this car is it's moderately filthy, just in the way that you can't get dog hair off of your what seemed to be fleece seats in this stupid hand of face.

I think the inventor of Velcrow had the same breed of dogs as you, and he had it's eureka moment one day, cleaning off the seats and it's buggy.

I don't know if this was buggy days when the guy invented, but it's a series.

You know, velbro on a not quite microscopic level, there are little hooks, a series of hooks and loops.

And yeah, this is what's happening. Yeah, there's a hook and loop dog hair scenario happening this car.

I guess they have split ends. That's the only way to explain the barbed.

Hook at the end of Now.

I did read once that Martha Stewart brushes her dogs twice a day, and I don't think I've ever brushed either of my dogs. So maybe that's where the filth is coming in.

Brushes her dogs in between cookie make how no one ever told Martha Stewart to get a goddamn job.

You know, just because she was rich. She didn't have to. She's one of those people.

She's got that dead look in the eye. Oh yeah, that you know, like you were saying that guy that like we're we're talking smack about.

A few people. We're not gonna imagine it. Now, you'll have to get the bonus episode.

Was like, oh yeah, blah blah blah.

I know, no, no, we can't do that, but she we should do that. She has that look in her eye where I'm like, I don't trust her, you know what.

She she looks like the painting that her eyes or her eyes, and then you slide her eyes out and your eyes go in so you can spy.

On people like the Scooby Doo pinion.

Yes, that's totally Martha Stewart's face. Someone should do an oil painting of Martha Stewart looking at us like the eyes. Hey, remember, no, we do. I never do this in a consecutive way. That would be like good, like hooking back to another episode. I never do it recent enough. But on the Drend and Davis episode, you regaled me much to my absolute joy with your all of your Scooby Doo voices.

Oh, the entire cast.

Yes, yes, I'm still working on Fred, but my Daphney is on point.

Uhpy.

Also, but.

I found the picture. Did you remember seeing it? I posted on Twitter where when I we were talking about you being Nightcrawler or any villain from Scooby Doo, and I found the pictures where they look exactly alike.

Yeah.

I was really impressed by myself.

Yes, you made the thing. Yeah, oh, I forget. I appreciate that.

This is basically me taking a moment to say, hey, remember that time when I did that thing?

I and it's me.

Oh, Henry's calling and I don't have time to talk to him.

Let's just see what he wants. Henry Phillips, everybody wants a guest of this show.

Yeah, once a co host turned guest in one episode.

Uh am, I I want to turn left? But am I allowed to? I think? I am?

Yes, I am, yes, you are allowed.

Great. This is a this part of LA which would be considered what.

I don't know. It's the single one.

I don't know. Could it be fox Hills?

Oh? Yes, we are near the Fox Hills Mall.

Lots of foxes running around in the traffic.

Oh, it's almost like it's a hazard while you're driving.

They have foxes.

Sometimes they're just blowing around like dandelion sports. Just foxes everywhere.

Oh, we're not allergic.

I have Yeah, I have a fox hellery. I was gonna say yeah when they're blowing around. Not and I'm not talking about their dander. These are little fox that are.

Airborne, tiny airborne fox.

Tiny air and you breathe them in.

I'll be damned if it doesn't get me stuffed up. Okay, yes, still have a herd from Jake, but I know he's in the airport.

He'd be old.

He will be walking towards the outdoors, and I think this is gonna be one of those episodes where we time it perfectly and he will jump in seamlessly to our arrival, and we're gonna rejoice, and you're gonna squeal to let us know you're rejoicing.

Oh yes, now that I know what rejoicing's supposed to sound like, because exactly before this, when I was rejoicing, I would go And that's how you knew I would make sound.

You've been giving the wrong impression at all parties for years.

Yeah, yeah, yes, it's absolutely true.

Happy birthday, friend. No, I'm happy.

No, I'm I really, I'm I. Some might say overjoyed for you.

Wow, it doesn't you don't doesn't.

Feel like that in any way. It feels like you're mad at me. Well I'm not.

No one ever showed you how to celebrate.

So sad, it's a It is sad. Actually it is sad. Now there's a there's a sign in front of that gas station over there that says, enjoy a cup of fresh, hot coffee. And what's fascinating about that is we both are right now.

I'm currently holding one, as is Karen and it is hot. The only thing that that sign isn't letting everyone know I'm not really enjoying it.

You're not. No, it's not good.

This came out of a robot.

Box at the airport Sheridan where we stopped thinking they had a Starbucks, and then once we valeid the car and got inside, Yeah, not not a star.

It used to be a Starbucks.

Oh really, Oh well, Mount you get a current employee of this not Starbucks to go take down that fucking sign.

Here's the thing.

That's what I said. I said, fucking sign. Yeah, that's really upset.

Hey had his fist on his hip and I said, right behind him, sassy way though, yeah, like a bossy kind of momish way. You also had a Yeah he was. He was definitely working it and he was sissing that walk. Then I come up behind him. I come up and behind him, and I says, hey, I don't want some goddamn coffee from Malaysia, motherfucker.

Yeah that's right.

I shouldn't have yelled that so loud. There are several.

Families you and I, both within the same minute, are regretting our.

F bomb drops.

We went nuts at the airport, shared God why.

I don't know why. No, I mean just now we both said the F word.

Oh, I've been very good about it.

You have been, and then and then I just once I say it, that opens up the F word.

Karen kil Garrett Floodgates.

Oh my god, it just all of a sudden, it sounds so natural to me. It sounds so good.

Oops here Oh yeah, Airport Boulevard seems the most appropriate.

It just it just fits. It makes sense. Yeah, I've been very good about the swearing lately. I've noticed I've also started wearing dresses and pinning my hair back.

Did you finally throw away your garbage?

Baiale? Kids?

That said swearing Karen? Because that go ahead and look it up everyone. Is that real swearing? Karen?

Does? She have a little piece of dried lettuce on her face, That's.

Why she's swearing. She's like, goddamn salads so hard to even salad.

I hate it.

Are you going to bump this van to prove a point?

Push it forward?

It seems like you're going to bump.

This I want to roll it up. I want to roll it forward.

Here and it's lurching towards this bumper and we you are. You cannot go any closer or I will get.

Nervous, or you'll scream.

What if there's an old lady and they need run in.

And that's on him being. You can't just back up into me. You can't bring that this way because I'm not the one. One time I was in a check cashing.

Place and sound like you were auditioning for do the right thing.

Yeah right, okay, because I was in a check catching place and this homelesslady came in and started saying the N word, oh oh, and everybody got super nervous. All everybody of every color of the rainbow in that check cause real.

Uncomfortable, craggly haired white lady.

That's exactly right. I'm Hollywood Boulvard.

I hate it when it rolls off those homeless tongues.

But everybody just pretended she wasn't there until she tried to get in. This probably six foot seven black man who was standing behind me wearing a beautiful suit. He looked like a banker, and she tried. She came up and she started saying something to him, and he turned and goes, you best not be talking to me because I am not the one, And then she just left, She left the building, and it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I am not the one because I'm not the one.

That's great. It was am, I'm not the person you're looking this.

This is not He was saying, you'll get your seed, will get no purchase here, ma'am your racial seed.

I wish that he had said that. Can I change the story?

You could?

Your seed will grow.

No crops, you will not reap. Also, why are you because it's a racism active in alive today. It's a white Mercedes with a person who is not a man and not do you think they were being race?

That starts us because we're white and it doesn't make sense. See, I can I can sing.

You absolutely can't.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Sometimes classically trained, self taught, but in a classic way. I made myself sing while wearing a powdered when.

Oh as a child, Oh, I see the Mozart style classic?

Yes, yes, yes, I was singing piano. It was not like one. See it's all tongue. I use a lot of tongue.

And then your mom dips her head. Incase, Chris, you left your the silk pants on the ground.

Again, You're so classically self taught.

Chris, get your handkerchief out of here.

I wish you'd classically clean your.

Room self teach your way to make some dinner every once in a while.

Yes, this is actually starting to hit too close to the home.

And then I'm starting to feel sad.

I had a boyfriend who's cooked dinner. My mom almost never cooked dinner. She was like, girls, Chinese food.

I would my sister and I would go in the kitchen and there would be food or something she baked, and we're like, oh right, the tables have turned and we started digging in.

She's like, that's for the office. It's for an office party. It's like, what what were your family makes? We have never seen such a castle roll. Yeah, I followed a recipe and it's for the office.

My mom literally could make two things and so she'd switch off. It would be baked chicken with minute rice and some frozen corn, or it would be she called it three soup chicken, where it was like chicken with three creamed campbell soups on top and some almonds. Throw it in the oven. She called it a door slam. Very minimal effort put into raising us uh, I'll just say it now.

Yeah, I guess I come from a long line of mothers who didn't really weren't passionate about cooking.

Which is fine.

I mean, no, there is nothing more offensive than saying, hey, the lady should be cooking. But I think that when you have kids, you should provide.

The base A meal a day, the base.

And that's not me being sexist. I think dad could do it too. He's busy selling dictionaries door to door.

Is that.

No, Everybody's like, I already have a dictionary. I have one of those.

Yeah.

Both my parents worked and then they'd come home late, and who the hell would want to I don't even cook myself meals. Well, I can't imagine having kids.

I can't imagine. I definitely can't imagine having kids, but I certainly can't imagine cooking meals.

Ever, it's my we are stopping. This might be the first time they tell us we can't record. I'm gonna act like I'm.

Not good idea, Yeah, just put that down.

They never What he doesn't see is I just put my microphone back to my face. I had it down.

A helicopter lands in front of us. Oh my god, Oh.

My sorry, please fly away now, Okay, I can do that. Yes, Michael Winslow is here's why he's underrated. Okay, can he do a better helicopter than that?

That was pretty good.

Oh that's the only reason. He just does a better helicopter than that. That's good helicopter.

Noisemaker, he's right in there.

He's like a five point eight, which is exactly what he deserves.

One time I was on radio in Austin with that Robert Hawkins guy who we've talked about victually thinking.

Is quite quite genius.

Michael Winslow was on Radio two and we were just asking him to make the sounds of things, and we were like, do sausage sizzling in?

And he made it sound it was just coming out of his mouth, this cripling, popping noise that sounded like.

And then and then, in kind of a dick move, Robert said, now do bacon.

And he did a difference.

Yes, that's awesome.

A different sound that was kind of thinner.

So it's like, well, maybe where else is that guy gonna perform? Yes, he's not a comedian to me, he's not a guy that thinks of jokes.

And but what he is as an entertainer.

Here's an entertainer and where and.

He also does put those sounds together. He's a comedian in that. I mean, there's some people who call themselves comedians who are way worse than Michael Winslow. Let's not be let's not be mean.

Tradition right right? Who are traditionally all the who? All the framework is.

There, the frame there, the prs there. People call them comedians and.

They work, and they get working clubs.

And you've heard them, You've heard their name constantly, and perhaps are even lauded and are actually rotten rotten.

This is where we are talking about specific people, but we aren't saying who they are.

It's got to be frustrating.

It's got to be you know what. It's creating a kind of hot dynamic tension for the listeners.

The listeners at home, like, I know who that is?

To me? Do I know who it means? Does it even matter who it means?

It's signed that comedian in your own brain, right.

We all hate A person doesn't have to be a comedian. It could be that lady in your office that's so irritating.

Don't your name, don't.

Say your name don't even think it, don't even just know that you're right.

Know that she exists and that you hate.

Her, that you're right there are You know, the internet ages introduced this idea that everybody's great, and that's simply not true.

No, just read my YouTube comments.

Oh god, how about that for a sound of ex ecstatic joy? What I just did?

He looks pretty good with that guy. He knows what we're doing.

He knows, he knows as hell.

Looks like.

He's best dressed up for a business meeting. But it's about wrestling.

He's got bad shoes, so you know it's about wrestling. Yeah, it's really bad.

So he's, you know, jumping up on the roads and throwing them, using them as a weapon.

That's right.

When there isn't a folding chair, he's used to a.

Tall Lisa boots. Why black flat shoe doesn't really he's not good at shopping for those.

We're all scuffed up because he's tossed them at his co workers.

That guy looked like a beefy er. Stayphaned.

Do you think the wrestlers call the other wrestlers co workers? I guess this is more of a Matt McCarthy question.

I bet you if I text Matt.

Right now, we could crash into a car and then.

We would do it. P s A for not texting while you drive it.

Here, I think we just did it. I didn't mean to jump down your throat. But there will no texting during.

This There will be no texting. Vehicular podcast.

Look at that guy's a top paddle.

Can anything girl other than homicide be vehicular? Oh see, that was pretty funny. We have a vehicular podcast. Well that's terrible and illegal. No, I didn't say, man, no, we don't kill anybody. Yeah, no one gets hurt. We kill with our yeah jokes, fucking kill they crush.

I crushed in my car the other day. Okay, I don't see him. I guess he's not.

Quite out here yet. He still hasn't Should we be so so brass, brash? Brassy?

Should we be?

Should we with our hairs so brazier?

Thank you.

Is a nice? Where are you from? Out of town?

What are you? Some kind of?

And now they're honking? No, get in front of me. I want I need someone to honk at.

I'm gonna sometimes I let people land just so I can honk at them.

Chris we're going around again.

We have to go around, I know, I mean, what are you solving a crime? Don't leap out of your taxi, crazy ass. Yeah, I'm really excited to pick up a fair We almost clipped his.

Uh.

That cab driver jumped out on the driver's side into airport traffic.

Such a calm look on his face, But it was it was the body of.

An urgent man.

It was probably he had already his spirit had left his body because he was committing.

The look on that man's face, he's like looking for his loved ones. He looked. He has a little kid's face.

Yeah, he was lost.

He was adorable. No, this guy's adorable. Look at this old guy.

Look at him. He's like, I'll get it, dad.

I really he's throwing the Is he frustrated?

And this damn hat of my wife's stupid traffic?

No, he's sweet. I never really had a grandpa, Karen.

You didn't know. Oh, I had I had one great grandpa, awesome grandpa.

He was Oh, was he your grandpa's dad or was.

He a he was my dad's dad. I didn't mean to say great.

That was a Madison Davids joke.

She said, she has this great grandpa great grandma joke, Oh was she you're really old or just a really good grandma?

And I did it wrong. I told it wrong. It's basically what you just said.

I liked it. I didn't understand what was happening till the end because I was thinking about my grandpa, who was the greatest.

Yeah, mine Wyatt too.

I'd won that was a grumpy and drank and one that was just grumpy and crazy and didn't need drinks to be that way.

And they both were just.

Tall and mean, and they were once I was like walking and talking, they didn't want anything.

To do with me.

You know what, there's nothing worse than a grumpy old manson. They're the worst. They're scary looking, they look like ghouls.

Yeah, you're making it very hard to respect my elders.

Yes, Grandpa, if you're old, you're an old man, and you make it to that point, just be nice, Like you have a drink, that's fine, but be nice.

I wish that.

Yeah, which my grandparents because it's kind of the reason we left California, where I was born and went back to Montana. My dad was like, well, the kids should be around grandparents.

Oh no, we moved down there, and then they just weren't into us. They're like, once I started, I think I said something. I had an opinion about something once and he never really looked at me again.

Because he was from an era where you got to open hand slap children.

Right in the floor, or he would there'd be the salt shaker would be empty and he would just slide it across the floor and it would hit my grandma's feet and without flinching, she would pick it up and put salt in it and put it together.

Like that's called abuse.

That's called love. Yeah, that's uh, yeah, that's from a different time.

Yeah, that's they're all gone now. But so I never everyone's grandparents are gone. I'm not saying that I don't.

You and I we have we have, We've had lost. Yeah, we've had lost. We've had the the thing. But I do see old men and I'm like, I yearn for their attention. And that's yearning. It's the worst word I could have been there. That makes it sound sexual. I don't want to be with them. I want to just be with them.

You want to have a nice uh cardigan, sweated.

Arm around your shoulder, I was in England.

I think there was all these grandpa's I never had because I get I think I'm vaguely English.

Now, No, I don't. I haven't gone to ancestry dot com, but I went.

Don't do it as it is all weird, like military records and ship Okay.

Please insert your teeth into the computer.

I just.

All these old men, Uh like, why is everyone hanking?

It's traffic, everybody's fine, super Bowl Sunday.

Who is this honking? They're just gonna keep honking.

Sometimes people honk when they're just they don't know. Oh he's saying hi to his friend and we're caught in the crossfire.

Could it be that go bro down on your own. I'm sorry you guys are Yeah.

Isn't the super Bowl happening right now?

It is happening right now.

Maybe well, my grand feathers didn't like me. They knew I didn't care about football.

Maybe that's what it was. And then my dad, you really, are you really taking that personally, because if it was an old alcoholic man, it had nothing to do with you, right, Yeah, I mean there's there's a little work to be done there.

Yeah, they were cool when I was really little. That's what matters when it form an account. Yeah, you know, when you're fourteen, who wants to hang out with your grandparents?

Oh, you were fourteen, that's a totally different story. Everyone hats teenage.

Seven or eight. I don't know. I don't have a good memory.

Great age.

It's all one big blur. And then college.

My grandpa. One time we spent the night at my grandma and grandpa's house. They were both from the Old Country. My grandpa came to America when he was fourteen by himself.

It's the Old Country. Always mean Italy. I don't know where that was. It means, but it doesn't come the Old Country.

It depends on what person you're talking to. Sorry, yeah, in my family means Ireland.

If you're a Sicilian, then Ireland the boot, the boot kicked Sicily the boot.

So you're the soccer ball if you're Sicilian. And hey, and I call him soccer balls.

Don't mess around?

And is that racist?

If I make up my own thing, get out of the way, you damn soccer ball? What the hell does that mean? Well, Italy kicks you and you're like at soccer ball?

Oh well, oh well, too bad. I have to shoot you in the head anyway. Sorry, two to the dome.

That's how the yep, all Sicilians will shoot you.

That's right.

Sorry, I'll go out on a limb.

They're gonna shoot me anyway. I might as well tell the truth.

I learned it from true romance my grandpa.

One time we spent the night at my grandma and grandpa's house.

Huh.

They had a lot of portraits of Jesus with thorns. Oh, on his worst year, the blue period, you might say. And I woke up before my sister and my cousin Nancy, and my grandpa was awake looking at me. And then he waved his hand and he brought me in and gave me powdered donut and some tang like I was the only grandchild he cared about. Meanwhile, he had twenty nine grandchildren. Wow, but I got some special early morning grandpa time because he was awake as early as I was.

But it is I think.

Didn't we were gonna say real specific grandpa stories was our third podcast idea Will these stories have an ending?

You then said, And I said, they don't have to no.

Oh, good. Then I said, great, that's exactly how mine's going to go.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, he said he's getting a coffee.

Okay, I guess uh.

Oh, no, he's because he's waiting for his bag.

Oh great, and we're going to go up here. Apt we're just going to tell him that we had to go by delta going around. Are we going to go around again?

I'm sorry, I guess we have to. Okay, he's waiting for his bag.

What he just was saying getting a coffee because he's waiting for his bag. I didn't realize.

No, that's right. I feel like the treat is for the listener. Hello listeners. By the way, have we done any kind of a salutation that we like to usually do?

I believe salutation it's the conclusionary, isn't it? Or is it like aloha?

Salutation is greeting thought salutations like hellos and goodbyes. I think it's I think it's like hellos and hellos.

It's too so it is so salutations.

A perfect example would be aloha, which means hello and goodbye, and it also means.

To serve your definition. Yes, but in reality it doesn't. So it doesn't look if we could just look up Charlotte's Web, we would find out exactly what salutation that is.

Some pick.

Like to take things from it. It's just that might be from babe.

No, no, no, some pig. That's Charlotte's Web all the way.

Someone had a joke recently and they were quoting what one of the things the spider weaved in there?

And it wasn't that some pig. It was some that's something.

Was it the big long word?

Yes? And they did they just able to say it.

Oh they didn't know. They didn't.

Oh yeah it's been Dubiti or yeah, yeah, it was like some Oh, well, who cares we Hey, don't get me starting on on movies with pigs. And I'm I'm like talking all day. I'll be talking all.

Day and day bi Bibe. Pig in the city was upsetting. Remember that.

I don't. I didn't see him go to the city, but I did.

I remember, Uh, just him the original country pig. So at one point he had to oh he was a real pig. It's not like he packed a bag and they.

He didn't wear like a little red master.

Okay, how about a bow tie? I can deal with.

That you can kind of go for that.

Yeah, oh, yes can do? I can go for that. I yes can do?

Is the word no, it's not.

It's I was doing a little riff of Paul and.

Oates, I know, but are those the real words? I can't go for that.

I can't go for that. No, I no can do so, I said, I can go for that, Oh, yes, can do so. It's just a little reversal of the content classic so enjoyable. I mean, I can't I can't speak for someone like weird Al Yankovic, but I think his early work it was just like reversing songs to polka, right, that's right?

Well, and also he did he really sent up some of Michael Jackson's greatest hits, my favorite being I'm Fat.

I have a Banana, have a whole bunch. Right. If you don't like it, say eve at for launch, just eat eat it jam On. Jam On described weird Al and his music. I don't think I would.

Go for that, but yes can do.

So funny.

Isn't it interesting how he kind of stuck around and everyone.

Likes him, yes for sure, and respects.

Him, and people are coming out of the closet and oh, they go. God, Prius, you're so indecisive because you have no power in.

Your silent You're a silent killer.

Oh why did you?

Oh?

I think I know why. We let them in so we could honk at him. That was such a weird behavior.

Yeah, it was not smart. Driving, very so many bad great pulling around almost there, Yes, can do here.

I'm texting Gray.

Text like Howard Kramer.

Uh, sending you the color of the thug and also the make and model.

It's black.

It's black, don't right, Gray, hond Ou black Honda.

Accord.

What with dog hair? And it should I have written that?

Okay, send Sarah.

I bet he has dogs himself. Uh.

Yeah, there's nothing I can do. I'm really ashamed about it, but now I've it's turned over into just I have no feeling about it anymore.

I hate being at Lax and you said you like it. God, I get so uncomfortable here.

Do you really?

And it's nice, it's not even crowdedna. I don't know what to ask Jake. Oh, let's just I'm gonna I want to know. There's some general knowledge things. I just want to know.

I don't know him very well. I just know that I like him and.

I think he's a very receptive person. Yeah, but you know, who knows. He might be uncomfortable. The dog hair might make him sneak super bummed out. Who knows. We just have to play it by ear. We have to play it as it's laid.

And that Prius cut us off.

And right now it's just forever you see him in front of you where you want to be. And now I'm I'm still mad at that Prius Silent killers. You cannot make a car. I don't care if it if it's good for the environment, I do.

Care that it is. I take that it's nice.

It's nice ever since the advent of Prius is and there's fewer. When I moved here in two thousand and three to Los Angeles, there's so many hummers and everything. Oh, it was horrible, and I never could see the Hollywood sign. Now I can see it all the time, and I really think it is because everyone's buying smarter cars.

But absolutely, the fact that it just.

Rolls up and all you can hear is the tread of the wheel, like there's no motor sounds.

It's crazy.

I've almost been hit by so many Prius.

I yeah, it doesn't make sense, Like whoever thought of that? They should have put in an artificial noise. Yeah, because it's crazy.

Yeah, like or just baseball card and the spokes.

Look at they had to wave to their grandma. Who's now coming?

Black pants and a brown shirt, he said, which I.

Oh, okay, I really like that so distinctive, almost punk rock.

Yeah, here we go.

Black pants, brown shirt. Jake Johansson, black.

Pants, brown shirt.

What will you do? Oh, that's that guy was coming. I honestly thought that guy was getting into our car.

I'm gonna roll down the window at the risk of making some noise.

Ah, the sights and sand, well, not the sights, but certainly the sounds. Boy, I don't I don't see him.

Oh I love his face.

Yeah, he's got a great face. Hey, I'm gonna tell him. You said that. You just wait, you just wait, Leon, Okay, I always want to.

It's open, it should be open.

Oh uh oh, I always want to help.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh that was way too high. Did you hear how high my voice went?

There?

It's okay, exclamation of joy.

It's okay, Hi, here he comes, Jake, Joe hands and everybody.

Yes, well it's covering all the dog hair on.

She has dogs, and look, she's moved the sheet. But I'm glad I.

Didn't the sheets clean.

It would have been funny if you got under it and just immediately took a note.

Just well, it seems like you're picking up a dog.

I know.

I kind of always am if there's one in the road and it looks like it doesn't have an owner, I'll grab that pick it up.

Okay, let's see if we can get a dog on our way.

Jake, I'm telling on your Karen, Jake. As soon as you came out, she's like, I look at his great face.

It's true, I said a face.

You have a great face.

It's great to see her face.

This is just my face.

I think it's in a roundabout way because I'm uncomfortable. We're saying you're handsome.

Well, that's sweet. Oh, you're welcome. I can't believe I'm in the back by myself, because is it.

A little weird because you're talking to the back of our heads.

I'm staring at you through the rear of your mirror.

It's nice. I like your podcast.

Thank you.

It's nice to get a ride from the airport, though, I was thinking when I was, you know, texting it back and forth and like, oh God, it's easier to take a cab than to do this. But now that I'm in the car, I'm really.

Right, aren't you glad we're not an angry cab driver.

I would love it if this turned into like a meal and then we all go out tonight, we get some pizza.

Recording the whole time.

Come on, we we know, and especially for the send off episodes where we're bringing people to the airport.

That's what I really wish that I you know, I mean not to take anything away from this experience.

It seems like so far jakuphonely complained about it.

Seems like you're not you know.

I don't think of myself as a complainer, but maybe it's time to face the Yeah that those early morning ones, you know, like I have to go to Columbus on Thursday. I think I'm gonna have to leave my house at five in the morning. Where will you be then, just out of curiosity.

We'll be right in front of your house at four forty five.

Okay, sequel, that's what I smell.

So let's put some cliffhangers in this one.

Yeah, yeah, that's it's gonna end. Okay, ellipses.

I have the worst diarrhea right now, and it's because I ate a bag of diamonds on the planet.

To be continued.

Will they become millionaires or just have a mess on their hands.

I went into that airplane bathroom, and you never think you're going to see a bag of diamonds in there, but there it was sure, And I thought, if I come out with these, they're going to know that I have them. But if I eat them, I can deny I had eat the bag too.

That's what one of the only reasons people don't eat bags of diamonds. That's they really cut you up on the way.

It's not even the diamonds, it's that velvety bag thing. That's what I think is really going to be the problem.

Where the diamonds in like a purple crown royal, they were sitting on top of the bag, and so I I didn't I didn't put the diamonds in the bag because I thought, look, that's gonna that's going to create a real.

Kind of a bottleneck. No pun intended. I ate the diamonds separately, and then I also ate the bag I felt like, if you leave the bag in there, it's kind of Oh, you want to take a right here to go?

Yeah, let's go right here. Yeah, we're going to go to and you can.

Go any way you want.

Did I just make you spell that coffee?

Just a little bit? But that's not bad. I was going to wash these clothes when I got home. I'm coming home. That's the beauty of coming home. Man, would I be mad if we were on our way to the airport now? Like? Great? Now I'm going to be in Ohio all week.

Coffee freaking of coffee.

Yeah, I just want to add one thing to the diamond thing. I would have eaten the bag first, just to coat my stomach. Oh yeah, I've been waiting to say that. Well, you know, we hadn't moved on to a coffee.

This is the thing. Everybody's got an opinion after the fact. I don't know where you were when I was on the plane.

I here's the problem with our early morning.

When someone has a six am flight and we've gone all the way down for a four o'clock pick up in studio City.

We're all so tired. No one is funny. I'm not funny until.

I worried about two o'clock. I worried about that myself too. I worried that, you know, I'm slightly emotional now. That must be part of what happens when you pick people up at the airport.

There's a lot of crying usually on this podcasts, and you've been traveling, you you would think you would just be used to it by now, but it's still not a pleasant.

I've only just recently realized that I've done my career wrong. Well, you know, a couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was a week ago. Who can even tell? What is a week ago or what's a couple of weeks ago, or what happened this afternoon a north Stra damis maybe. Yeah, everything is so different now that I've swallowed those diamonds. You can do either one. But yeah. I did a show down a comedy Magic and I thought, well, this is gonna be fun. I'm headlining down here and it's

It's so funny.

We were talking about that right before we picked you up, and I've been doing the same thing. I just always wanted to be a comedian for a living.

Yeah, and I'm loving it like I was. Just in Atlanta. I worked at the Laughing Skull. It's a great club, the tiniest club in the university.

It's like an eater, isn't it.

And I did this low budget movie that they're doing while I was there as like a favorite thing during the day. Sure, but that's not the way you're supposed to be doing movies. You're supposed to be putting your comedy stand up career on hold, going to do a big, giant movie and you get a sitcom and you go back to doing stand up later on. But I've done it the other way around. It's too to change it. Now.

Are you a person that likes acting? Do you act?

And I like the part where you actually have the job. I just want to point out that things are going to be different once I shit these diamonds.

The whole tone is going to change.

Yeah, my career is going to change. I mean that's kind of the that's going to be an injection of financial security that I've you know, yet to experience in my life. Not that things are you know, I don't want to kind of maintain this tone of complaining because things are fine. I'm very happy.

Well, you're probably uncomfortable though physically, just with them in there. You you there's no way you aren't feeling that diamonds in there. But it's the heartest substance known to men, right, Yeah.

Well, but I had a big lunch on the plane too, so they're yeah, they're kind of mixing around. When you said that you're probably feeling feeling uncomfortable, I thought you were talking about the back seat of the Oh, I.

Don't think you're going to be able to though.

Look at that the sheet's there. Okay, we'll take it easy.

There's a kind of Mormon feel to that setup back there, where there's a sheet for keeping you doing things.

Oh yeah, I guess I guess it is bad that it's not every time there's a sheet back there there the.

Mormons do with the sheet. I knew that there was a Jewish thing with a sheet and the board, and it.

Was a Jewish I thought, thinking of a special magic underwear that you can oh, that's a certain pair of underwear that it's okay too.

We should stick to our own religions. In my church. You don't have to do any of that. You can do it. You know, you're not supposed to have sex until you get married, so I guess I blew it there. What is your church, Jake, Well, I don't really have a church, but I grew up in the We were Congregational Presbyterian, you know, which is kind of the the most Protestant Protestant churches. I mean, maybe not Unitarian. Those guys are pretty relax. That's almost like a you know, pot party.

I went to it.

I was in a Presbyterian youth group in high school just for the pot I know, I really did, and it was really I even was very open with my pastor guy that I'd never had the Bible and kind of.

Saw a lot of holes in it and maybe was agnostic. And he's like, that's Okay, wow, because we have some a big sale to run or whatever. We just did.

That's all business. See. My family was the opposite because I was raised Catholic, and we went to summer camp that was Episcopalian, and we came home on a Sunday and went to like morning Mass with all the kids we went to camp with at the Episcopalian church. And then when we got back to my aunt's house, my grandma was there and she said, are they going to go to real church?

Now?

She wanted us to go to Catholic Mass. We'd already gone to Episcopalia.

Oh And see, from me, from my point of view, the Presbyterian Church Episcopalians were actually very that's the real deal. That's the Henry the eighth version of Catholicism, right, I mean that sort of the Church of England. They kind of he invented his own church once they wouldn't let him get divorced and then and.

That was what Episcapalion's turned into.

That's my understanding of it. But again, we're a little over our heads here in the hun.

We're beyond over my head.

You're where, Yeah, we're in an arena. I know nothing about I couldn't finger Henry the eighth and a lineup if I Yeah, I mean photo.

Big fat guy. He's always eating a turkey leg.

I've seen him down at the beach.

Yeah. Well, Renaissance Renaissance fair. Have you ever been to a Renaissance fair?

I've always avoided them? Should I Have I been wrong this whole time?

I feel like that's a good sequel to this episode.

Also fair.

The only wait, I'll go to a Renaissance fair if you can promise me a couple of things, A person with a snake and maybe a juggler.

Well, come on, I feel like you're sitting the bar a little bit.

With a tall order. It's a tall order.

Okay, we can bring our own snake.

Oh there's gonna be if there will be a lady with a snake. I don't worry.

I forget. I have a snake, and you know what, I forgot to feed it.

Jake.

Yeah, No, I don't really want to get serious. I want to go to the Renaissance.

Right now.

I want a mug of mead from the wench.

And I've never really thought of myself as that guy. You know, there's the dungeons and Dragons. Guys like Brian Posan was telling me he does a podcast where they just play Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah, oh that's great play, right.

Yeah, I think so, But I mean I can't. I don't even know how Dungeons and Dragons works. But either the Renaissance Fair was pre Dungeons and Dragons, That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, is the original cosplay?

Yeah? What if? What if instead of coming here and seeing real people doing these things, we just rolled dice and pretend in our.

Basement, we won't have to do all this hideous interacting.

Well, there's new versions of that. What it's the game.

There's some not like risk but a newer version of that about overtaking the world.

And people play it now live.

It's like a risk a game.

Oh oh yeah.

A lot of girls play it.

Girls.

Yeah, girls, it's like it's I wish I knew the name of the game.

I wish you did too.

Yeah, it's almost like I've wasted the last twenty seconds.

Well, we can google this, we'll fitgure it out later. There's people googling it right now getting mad at us. What's the google girls? Renaissance It's a dating game Melton Bradley dating game Twister. Yeah.

I guess it's nothing like Dungeons and Dragons unless you're into that it's a dating game.

Yeah, I've World of Warcraft.

I've always wanted to go not No, I'm not a renaissance. I like going to the Civil War reenactments. Jake, how often are you on the I.

Don't believe you've ever been to a civil war. I'm I know we're not playing a game show right now, but I have to say I doubt that. I doubt that you've been to a civil war.

When I lived in Austin where I first saw you at the Bad Dog Comedy Theater, It's likely they never paid you.

I did get paid there.

Kevin didn't Kevin meanie, and he he lived up to his name. He was not happy. That was just a dumb joke. But I remember he was.

Oh, potholes always matter.

Why people have four wheel drive trucks in LA And then and then I go over those potholes and I'm like, Okay, that made me want to have them.

It's just gonna get worse. I don't I don't want to get all political, but I mean, I feel like you were talking about infrastructure right now, and Barack Obama has let us down. And I don't think Republicans are going to be any help either.

You know, it's gonna it's all just gonna slowly fall apart.

It starts with a hole in the road and then it ends up with our kids being homeless.

Hey, did you speaking of our kids? Did you know there's a measles epidemic right now?

Yes, well I did.

Yeah, it started at Disneyland, is what I heard. Or it's where that's the epiplosion center.

Everyone's everyone's coming down on Jenny McCarthy and uh, and she's like become the poster child for the lunacy of not inoculating your kids. But I the measles momp's Rubella shot when I was a kid gave me an immediate reaction.

I had roseasia, I had convulsions, I.

Would a very high fevers, and my mom was always like, I know, you were fine and healthy until we got you inoculated. Then again, so I've had a mom that my whole life was kind of saying that Jenny McCarthy's stuff, really.

Except you've got the vaccination, so you never came down with the real mesle, and you've got a great career. We're in a car doing a podcast right now.

Yeah, you're right. I mean so I almost baked my brain as a baby.

Yeah, if you don't consider this a high ten, you're right all the way around.

Yeah you've won.

Yeah, your mom is wrong, but I agree Jenny McCarthy deserves a break. I mean, I don't think enough things have gone her way.

What I gleaned from that is I have a pretty good life. That's what I keep thinking.

Thank you. Yeah, well that's what I was thinking. I was thinking. I wish I was the guy who was picking people up at the airport doing a show.

Will be good.

Yeah, someday, I so close.

You're close.

Just just stick to it. You'll get there. Kid. I like to say that to.

When I started comedy. Yeah, we both do.

Yeah, we were talking about that earlier. It's something we should have mentioned.

I really like you guys too, So this is really great. What are we going to do after this? And I don't know why I looked up to you. Huh.

I looked up to you and you said, well, I like you guys too.

Oh that's actually well, I didn't think I can say that I look up to you because that would be weird, right, I mean, how could we both look up to each other's.

Making fun of my height because I'm short.

I didn't remember that about you.

Now that I'm five nine going on, I'm actually shrinking. We did a speakeasy together.

Oh that show was so ridiculous. We did a show in a bar that was so dark, Like the light on stage was not as bright as your phone. The flashlight thing on your was.

Like one wayward Christmas, a string of light. But it was just one little bowl. But it was called the Prohibition, I think something like.

I can't remember. It was in Culver City and it was booked by our friend Al Jackson. Jackson and I spoke to Al about it. He said that the guy, the guy who runs the room, got up at he and wanted to kind of start making all these rules about the comedians and the blah blah blah that you know, he totally became a prima donna producer. No, so Al had he yanked that show out of that room, which is a real shame.

So the guy took the lights with him.

When yeah, I'm doing a show tonight under the covers. Once my wife goes to sleep. We're going to do it under the covers on my side of the bed, but you kind of have to be quiet.

Okay, do you need a temper pedic bed for that or I already have that. Have that because a lot of times, you know, you know, the people want to do stand up and the wife will either want to sleep or drink wine.

Jake, what is your sleep number?

Yeah? I don't. We have the temper peediic. I don't really understand the sleep number. That's a little laughter my time.

But you have to actually own the bed and read the manual.

Do you know anything about it? Which is the more firmer? Is that a higher number a lower number?

No idea. I've only seen the commercial one hundred times, but I don't really know what that.

I know I have a sleep number, and that's really all I think.

Yeah, I'm proud have one.

I have a seaypostropedic and that's because you know, it makes it easier. I can just electronically elevate my legs for my gout and.

Then Kraftmatic, yeah, craftmatic adjustable.

I grew up with waterbeds, and I think that's why I have scoliosis and a number of hip problems.

I really, did you really have? Did your parents have a waterbed?

I had a series of waterbeds as a kid, and I.

A child's waterbed.

Well it was warm.

You know. I grew up in Montana and lived in a basement my whole life.

Were you rich?

I got out, I got out of there.

Are put in a basement with it?

They get their own basement waterbed? My god, it just never.

Had enough water in it. So it was like a hammock.

It was like I was sleeping in a water hammock. Right, So my back was always constantly arched. And I think you can all tell with my I'm very self conscious about my.

H Yes, oh I love when yes.

Good.

He works for the city.

That's good that he has a This guy with a reflector vests and a my key Helmetah, welcome to the neighborhood.

He's just a crossing guard with a lot of spirit. Anyway, I'm a bad posture, are you, Jake? Are you a married person to have family?

I am?

I am.

I wasn't kidding about my wife. I was kidding about the podcast in bed with her.

But I remember you mention wife just moments ago. And I obviously I get I think, do you have kids?

That's what I have a wife and we have a daughter who's ten.

That's terrific.

And that's why I'm not out. That's why we don't get to see each other more often. That's the that's why we have to wait until Al Jackson does a show in a flashlight show in a tiny bar.

Well, I'm going to see if I can do something about that.

I am too, I'm trying to get out more. I'm trying to be amongst more people. This is the step in that direction. Once, Yes, this is yeah, this is it.

Well, I know many people who would love to have you on their shows around town. Many.

Yeah, you could just kind of take your pick of the ones that are just fun where you're actually getting work done, because I I tend to just do whatever show someone offers me, and I'll drive. I'd live over here on the West Side like you, and I'll drive all the way to It's a.

Long way from here to there. Yeah, you've done any of those shows that are like in some like they roll up a garage door and you do a show in the driveway, and sometimes they're great.

There's there's a whole spate of living room shows that space is not the right word. But there's a bunch of living dearth, a bunch of living room shows where the kids that go there are so into it they're like some of the best shows I've ever done.

I totally get why the kids who go there would be into it, But what I don't understand really is like I feel like we might have lost track of what we're trying to do, which is, you know, we're trying to make a living you know. I feel like if you can't ever charge someone to cover or get paid for doing stand up, then I mean, you're not gonna get your own sitcom from doing a show in somebody's living room. Are true though, But if it's true,

Show, but I feel that way when I'm on the road and I go to some club. The last one that really made me sleep in the fetal position was in Houston, the Joke Joint.

And it was I've never been there.

It was, yeah, don't I'm gonna and they might be listening.

I'm sorry, you're sweet, lady Rachel, but I, uh, well, I really have hurt my feelings every night, and I'm like, I'm certainly not.

Going to get a sitcom coming.

Well, yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah, it's hard to know you have to do both, though I.

Do know that it honestly seems like these days, like in la if you're in a living room show, the odds that there's some young assistant to a highly powered person sitting in that audience in.

The living room.

Yeah, Like that's I swear to god. There's people where it's just like, oh I saw you at this thing, or I'm like, why in God's name would you be there? Yeah, And it's because they, as their job, go to just places around town and they go to like hip things.

Yeah. See, I don't I don't need to get paid to do a living room room show because I have an ass full of diamonds right now. But most people, I feel like, you know, you see some of these young youngsters and they you know, it'd be nice if not only maybe there's an executive there, but they got twenty dollars.

I know. Sometimes they do some shows, right.

It's funny because I would think it would happen all the time. Oh, we're just three minutes from your house.

I know, Well we could go around that. You could go around the block if you want.

To, Sure, we must. I mean I want to talk more.

I don't mind talking. But if we sit getting the driveway, my wife will come out and maybe come in the house. I can promise you that most of them.

Most most most drop offs we've had, they we come home to an wife that is angry and coming out with her hair and curlers.

Rolling pins.

I wish to get my wife would fucking get busy with that rolling pin. That would be so happy. I mean, the only thing she uses that thing for is to chase me around.

Not a pie in sight, No handsome's house, get about it. Remember when we were in Sacramento together. Well I wasn't really on the show, I think, but it was Dave Anthony was opening for you and we get to hang out for a weekend. Now this was back in the nineties.

Uh, this is just Dave's favorite show.

What this podcast?

No? I worked with Dave and Sacramento one time, and he's told the show on my podcast a couple of times, and I don't know if he's If you're thinking about this story where there's a group of young people in the audience that are kind of handicapped and Dave doesn't realize it, and they're kind of talking to each other and doing some making some noises that are that are kind of enthusiastic, and they're supporting and they're really enjoying the show. Dave says something to him once and then

I've had the exact same thing happened at Cap City when I when I lived in Austin. There's people in the back and they were laughing, and I annoyed they were rather than laughing, they're just making an outburst. And I didn't say I think I said something a little lighter than retarded, but the entire audience was like, whoa should I go here?

We're actually the other way back? Yeah yeah, yeah, but that's okay, So take the left whenever you well, or you can go up and take a rite and come back to here and then go back.

I like that. I like that. So sorry you called them a name like return.

I said, I feel like, now maybe I think what I may have said the word retarded.

It's I know, we're not supposed to say retarded, but I don't think anyone ever says retarded when they're talking about a handicapped person. I only use that word when they're talking about one of their friends is kind of being dopey, yeah.

Or or that my bumper keeps coming off of my my car is so retarded.

I'll tell you, well, like would be much more insulting to say to someone, look are you someone who was a competent person? Look what are you learning? Disaybled? That seems more insulting, right, because now you're talking about a real thing that you would say.

I don't know, it's more clinical.

I guess we're not going to get to the bottom of it.

It's accurate, you know. And it's accurate though, but it's unfortunately accurate because there are people who identify that it's not a bad thing that they are retarded or handicapped mentally handicapped. But Jeff uh no, I can't remember.

It's a game shot. I'll start giving hinds.

He's the one that's on Career.

Enthusiasm, okay, and he Jeff Garlett Garlic, Yes do you think you? Oh, I could have Where's the Crazies on that other show with this crazy sweaters.

Yeah, he's on Crazy and he has a whole bit about how retarded is the one word that's like that that we should be allowed to say because it's so accurate. It is because when you want to call someone retarded, it's because they're being retarded.

I want and I just I only say it when I'm talking about putting out a.

Fire, or slowing down a fire like.

A fire, or slow or bringing a conversation.

To a halt like I can can conversation retardant yea thank you.

I just wanted someone else to use it in a sentence. But it's okay if you say mentally. As soon as you take out the word mentally.

I don't even think we know this. I think again, we're in some deep water here. We don't really know what we're talking about.

Were either in deep water or on thin ice.

But either way, my dream is for us to start getting letters do people even write them anymore?

Yeah, they come through the sun riffs, insane.

I want to get an angry letter. I've gotten some angry emails. You did nothing into your show tonight, and you got angry at the man heckling.

I don't believe.

I found you very unprofessional.

Oh yeah, that was the letter that you got.

Yeah, yeah, And then I threw some deduction. I found out it was the owner's wife, a woman who was pregnant and drinking a beer.

Yes.

Yeah, Well this is the other thing that I think we need to lighten up on. I think it's okay for pregnant ladies to have a glass of wine every.

Once in a while.

Pep are getting so beer nowadays, people are having nine ten pounds infants.

I just got off a plane, so tell me about it. You know, there are some big human beings and maybe a couple of drinks during pregnancy could solve this profitttle bit. I'm sing that song, sing the dangers. Okay. So what you wanted to do was go up and get on that ramp up there, But that's okay. You can take a right turn down at the corner.

We are just making sure we have exactly an hour and ten minutes.

It's the greatest. This is a great You can't even turn there, yeah, so take all you can't. This is one way the wrong way, so yeah, you're gonna have to take it right here and then go back. Just take it right on main Street.

That's a one way we did.

He don't matter, no matter what we say, do not go the wrong way in a one way street. Yeah, although kind of convenient if you, no matter what I say, not untie me.

Oh, it's nice to live out here.

Isn't it the best?

It is? I moved out here a long time ago after after I did a pilot that didn't go and I thought, well, I'm gonna move by the beach so I have sanity. And it's really worked, but it sort of put a real kind of damper on drive. Wanted to drive over.

As I'm constantly going back and forth. I love waking up over here. I feel like I when I the brief period I was in West Hollywood, I was overwhelmed with everything, and I.

Come over here.

Do you just go to the beach for no reason?

We go surfing down there? My wife and I. You just come with us? Why aren't we hanging out more. Chris, this is what I want to know. I have.

I got a I got a surfboard from uh from Costco, and then I have a little one that I'm horrible on. But I like surfing.

Okay, well, we can go to the beach, we can go have coffee.

I absolutely want to do that. There's not a lot of West Side friends.

I mean, I am still in the car that you know.

Well you Karen, come on, you're invited. If you would just ditch that ridiculous day job you've got held us back. We could have done this podcast two months ago if it wasn't for you.

You're stupid Page And there you're homeowning in the valley house in the valley valley for I don't know. I don't know any furniture. I'll tell you that if that was your next question.

I live in an empty house.

An empty house.

It's an art project.

The only furniture is for the dogs.

Do you have a are you a relationship? Is that going on?

I'm out of a release.

You can turn right if you want.

Oh, please don't hit that incredibly attractive young lady.

There's a lot of there's a lot of attractive people here by the beach. I think you'll find that. Yes, yes, and you move out here, Karen.

When we all get a locked out here, I feel like I'm ready for a clubhouse in my life. We could start our own comedy show at the clubhouse.

Yeah, I'm down. You want to go right up to the next block and then you can turn right, or you can pull over if you want to just chat for a little while.

First, when was your pilot that you were talking about there?

Oh, that was that one.

Yeah, I've had some O that's crazy.

I have not. I've been to the plate a number of times. I had a pilot that was in nineteen right after I got to town eighty seven eight, and it was all visitors and fish and it didn't go. It was this is the story of that disappointment. Brandon Tartagoff was the This is the one. He was the president of the network at the time, and his daughter was in a I can't remember if this was this one or the next one, but I think it was

That's just so that was like a triple jerk around.

It was a well I don't I wasn't counting, but yeah, I think you're right. It sounds like a triple.

It sounds like a triple.

I did another one for Fox where it was it was this presentation. It was during when they were like, we're not doing pilots anymore because pilots you got to pay people like double what they would get to if you was an episode of the show. So instead we're going to do presentations, which is we'll put it up like a theater play. Yeah, and then we'll just decide

So you do it on stage like somewhere.

They rehearse it for a week as if it was an actual they were going to shoot it, but then then and then they said, well, you know what, we are going to shoot it just because maybe everybody can't be there to watch it, so we're going to shoot it. But it's not a pilot. And then my manager said, well, you can't shoot it if you're going to do that, and they said, okay, well we don't what about VHS And he goes, no.

You can't move about a courtroom artist.

Yeah. Yeah, So the so the schedule that one I did with Tom Thomas, Thomas F. Wilson, my friend Tom Wilson.

Oh, yes, a lot of people know him from Back to the Future.

Yeah, which ya, I don't even like to say that because he's not He's done so many other great things and it's not his favorite thing. But that's maybe he would bring it up. It's a great role everyone because he can't help it because.

Everybody he has to say.

They want to put that saddle on him and ride him around like it's their birthday. So but he and I are doing this thing, and it was so much fun. And then and Peter Bonners, you know the guy, the guy from the Bob Newhart Show. That was the guy who directed it. It was a really fun week. And then were they were going to do the presentation on Friday, but not going to videotape because all the executives are going to show up and it was raining, like it was a brutal raining night, and so some of the

Now that that was definitely three multi directional.

Yeah, I feel that didn't feel super good, but it was.

I was definitely counting those punches. It just won to each night, I think traditionally is how that goes in Hollywood. Dual simultaneous. Well, I would maybe I'll ride a pilot. Do you want to be in my We're Teachers to Solve here's my pilot.

It's all child. Child murders are very hot right now. I meant British drama shows are all about there's a dead child and let's get to the bottom of it. And then did you watch broad Church? Yes, spoiler alert, everyone in that town is a pedophile. It's it's a little tiny town and everybody's fucking kids are in love with them.

It's English. Yeah, yeah when I did stand up.

I haven't gone to the UK a bunch, but I did uh a club in Manchester and every comic there.

Had pedo file pedophile. Yeah yeah. They it's like, oh, that's how they say it over there, and.

They all laugh. They're like, oh, that's my favorite thing to make fun of, whereas here people are kind of like, hey, that's serious. I had a nephew. Yeah that got shown something in a pool house and then so that's it's off limits. But in the UK they it's pedophile, this pedophile that well, because they're all pedophiles, So you can't.

Can anybody want to hear my pitch from my oh my pilot?

Are we are we in it?

Yeah? It's called pool house. Okay, you guys both work there and there's okay, there's a cowl boys in the poolhouse.

Okay, and it's mostly kids.

It's just every week, a different kid who wanders in, and then you take them away, and then a curtain will blow.

I think i'd wire of that. Okay, but I'm not.

This. You've just described just the first you know, what do they call that first two minutes before the show starts? Kind of ever, this is just a cold open, yes, and then what happens afterwards.

Will murder that kid? Okay, and then whatever else you want.

I mean, like, I feel like most popular when they it's the people who are the main characters of the people who catch the murderer, not the act. I mean, you're the one with a TV writing job.

Here's the thing. I think you both need to be willing and brave just to be an unlikable character every once in a while.

But ask the star. Yeah, we're talking about it.

Even been listening to this episode, I feel like we've all been taking turns being unlikable.

We're about as unlikable as you can get.

Yeah, the retarge.

That was terrific. Well, let's face it, we're at your place. We're sitting in a turned off car.

Well, we can start up. We're actually a few blocks away, so we can drive. Yeah, we're not here. No, we're not here. I told you. If we were, I said to pull over so we could talk a little bit more. If we pull into my driveway, my wife is going to come out. No, I mean, she's a character.

But Hanson will be on. She could jump in.

She said she was going to take my name, and then she didn't.

She didn't do it.

Yeah, that's it's not like a bone of contention, but it's just a factual thing that we've been married for going on, it'll be twelve years and that October that's did you hear my phone? That's that's her texting me where are you my love? That's what she says.

To come out, just stroller a blaze.

Yeah.

Maybe if you print up the paperwork and just put it on her desk, make it easy for her.

What's the paperwork for her name change?

Maybe it's the clerical stuff and going.

She doesn't like paper.

She might have done that.

You know her, Well, it sounds like Karen, I know her.

That's what's stopping me from a lot of things too, is the paper Yeah?

Yeah, the living room comedy show paperwork that you don't want to get.

Certainly, the reason I even't paid my taxes in five years. We got to be coming close here.

It's just will you go over this next thing? And then it's on the right. Oh I remember, now what do you remember from?

Well, right past your house?

Oh?

I know, I got.

My friend is now managing her. Her name is Melanie. Yeah, my friend is managing her. Yeah.

Does she have another hit?

She's still rocking it out. I can't remember her other hits, but yeah she has. She's had a couple of hits. I didn't know that she's still doing it. Take take a take. Well, no, there's someone in the driveway right there, right there, Yeah, no, next to the one with a silver car. That one back a droopy.

It's almost like it's melting. I love it.

Okay, No, I'm I'm did you see where that blue car is over there? I'm in the one next to that behind the other kind of sage greeny one.

Do you want me to back up and go back over there?

Well you can, Okay, she's fine, Hi, she was.

She really has a curious look on her face.

Yeah, well she is a curious person. She's probably coming out because that might be someone in one of her friend's car, or maybe she's mad at the person who left the car. She lives in this building where that driveway goes to, or that building this not in this this building that we're parked in. I don't know the

Oh wow, Well, certainly the look on her face could be confused for her angry.

I don't It might be.

Just her resting thing to do with us.

But yeah, it's probably just a lifetime of being mistreated.

I bet it's that jean jacket.

It's a tiny It might be the fringe on that skirt that's making her angry. It's just the denim on denim that she has going.

And you don't even know what kind of undergarments she's gonna sometimes just.

Big floppy granny bloomers just have a windsock.

I was thinking more of kind of a religious kind of like there's a tight thing or some magic underwear.

She just drapes a sheet with a hole in it around her waist.

Or it's chain mail the rent fair. I don't need her permission.

She has a chest.

Okay, Jake, what any plugs?

And yeah? When is this going to be coming out? You know?

Here's what the next Monday.

Here's what I can say to you people listening to this. I've got a comedy special that you can download. It's five dollars and you can download it from my website. Jake. This dot com and that's my website, so you can find out where.

I'm playing dot com. What's the comedy special? What's the title?

It's called Pictures of My Dinner.

I love that name.

I'm going to watch that.

You also have other ones. You have a love you on? You can watch it on Netflix.

No, you can't anymore.

They really watched it on there.

I know they pull this is. Do you want to hear about another kind of way that show bis disappoint you. Yes, they can stop having you on Netflix. I didn't know that they could do that, but I was like, what happened, and not only do they take the special off, but they remove all the reviews and the record of it being on there. So so for a while it was like you could go on and you could say, well, if this ever comes back, I want to watch it, or you could read reviews that people have written though

Up for a digital take that personally it hurts, instead of charge five bucks for that one since it's the old one for free on I.

Thought I thought you were going to suggest ten dollars. I mean money, money is really kind.

Of classic, okay, seven, it's.

All a technicality. Now that I'm I've got these diamonds, so.

Everything is now your whole world has shifted dramatically.

I know it's all for fun. Now everything is for fun. It's great. I can't wait to see you guys at the living room show that we're going to do. Why don't we buy a house that we just do living room shows and nobody even lives there.

I mean, if you make the down payment, you're the one that's shipping money.

We'll fill the basement up with dead children.

A dream house, you dream.

House, a little place. It's just for us.

And our predilection.

I didn't think this was going to be that much fun.

Kinding it a little bit.

No, I was excited about it, but but I really didn't. This was more fun than I thought.

I'm glad that you're saying that, and I'm glad I hope that it was better than the cab. Right it certainly I'm going to just go ahead.

Oh, this beats the crap out of a cab. What do I owe you?

No cologne? Starting with no cologne, and then we actually knew how to get to your house.

The payment sort of we spiraled in, but we did it, you.

Know, roundabout way.

The payment is in, having made you've paid us and laughs.

If you want to go, if you want to park at my driveway, you can come in and meet my wife. If you want to thank you. No, I didn't like so, okay.

I'm a little nervous. Just anyone in Curlers Wheel.

It's not really where you made that up. That's not who she really is.

But retracing my that was my whole.

I'm catching her is pet from Andy Cap and I don't want any part of it.

I should. That pet for Andy Cap makes me want to take a face for a nap on a couch, remember, like nap on his face. Yeah, he was drunk, he was abusive.

It was a terrible drunk.

On h O n. I don't remember Andy Capp as well as you guys do. And you're younger than me too. That's it's weird. It's very it's a turnabout thing that's happened.

Turn around. Well, Jake, I'm gonna I'm going to make you do low key shows in Hollywood.

Okay, I want to. Okay, it is We're done now right. I keep thinking like I should put this down, but then it's not really over. But it is over, right, isn't it. Okay, we're going to get out.

Here's you do the sign off. We will Okay, you're trying to say something, Jake, thank you.

For being on the show. We've very much enjoyed you. This is my conclusionary voice you've been listening to. Do you need a ride? D y n Air