Ep. 55 - Todd Barry

I leave, then I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a turning on and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Right with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks, Gia.

We're heading towards lax the airport in Los Angeles on the four or five Freeway going south.

It's a gorgeous We were on the Skirball Grade for a little while.

Now we're on the I would say the downside of the Skirball grade.

Yeah, it's uh.

You know, when you're mid Scurball grade you start to worry about the integrity of your brake pads. This is where I always think, when's the last time have I taken in my Honda.

To really test out those break pounds?

Well they wear out pretty quickly, yes, and you never know. I have a horrible I mean, what.

If like in a movie, You're just slamming on the brake and nothing is happening.

Well, I am always preparing for that or any emergency as the driver of the vehicle. So what I've already planned is I'm constantly watching my right hand lane here, and if I press down and there are no brakes, I'm going to change over into that lane.

I'm gonna start slowly working the emergency.

Brake as I glide the car along this metal railing here and slide us to a sparky stuff.

Well, during that whole time, will you have your right arm extended in front of me.

Yeah, like a motherlyace seat belt.

All of my mothering instincts are going to kick in and save your goddamn line.

Well, okay, I feel better now. Yeah.

Would you talk about this stuff when you have these fears, and I'll let you know all the things I'm planning.

My brakes are ready to shit the bed.

Yeah, as they say, they're about to be tits up any day. Well, you should get I can hear them grinding.

That's bad.

The last couple of times I went in, they said you really got to get these brakes fixed. I just went in for a oil change last week, and what did they say? Breaks are fine? It's like, excuse me, really, because I can hear them grinding, and he's like, no, they're fine for a little longer. So it just depends on who you talk to.

And since he said that, yeah, I feel like my breaks are working better. Okay, it's all psychological.

It is definitely. Most mechanical stuff is psychological. It's just a mind game that you're playing with that mechanic. But the problem is that a lot of times there's a little problem, like say your brake pads are completely worn down to the metal, right, but then you go in and then to fix it will cost you eight hundred dollars, And there's it's the worst.

It's like you go in for an.

Oil change, which is forty dollars, you come out minus eight hundred.

Yeah, exactly, because they did all these things.

They did all these fluid things, and I'm like, oh, I could do that myself, but then I know I'm not going to, so I let them do it. I did replace my own air conditioning filter, oh nice, which to Kragan bought that Craagan of course, sponsor do you need a rye.

Or should be Craigan Auto Parts.

When you want to go and get an Indy five hundred sweat shirt and someone Hillwiper Craigan Cragan, Hey, Craigan.

We Okay. I listened to Iced Tea's podcast today.

Oh, they had our guest today, Todd Perry Nice on it. It was about a year ago and he had it was like divide it into twelve stegments, ten minutes of podcasting and then a five minute commercial. He has so many sponsors, oh, the regular podcast sponsors like Squarespace, but he's describing the templates and web design like it's a script and he reads through it thoroughly.

Wow.

And then it's back to being a gangster. And it's really fun.

To listen to.

What network is that on?

I do not know. I just found it on iTunes and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Hilarious.

Yeah, and he just.

Has his friend on there, who's his real life friend but also kind of a hype man who just says, yep, I hear what you're saying.

Yeah, Like he's through with every point he makes. And then he has people like John Daley and Todd Berry on.

That's awesome.

I feel like I'm the hype man of this. I was just telling you that that on our last episode with Guy Bronham, I anytime there was a moment of silence, I felt they need to say yes or make some kind of sound.

I think I'm a natural hype man.

I feel I don't know that I noticed I do that.

But if I listen to our podcast, which I haven't yet, I think that I probably oh a couple of times.

I don't like the sound of my own muppet voice, but I do know, I do know I do chime in. Did you just go a C.

S In Spanish?

I said, I see, ah, yes, well I did you just say asshole?

I just I'll do an asshole?

Well, it's I believe in Japanese S means a CS.

Oh. Yes see, we're learning, Yes, says I.

He have that on his podcast for Dummies.

Tat by Dummies.

But I would like to think that iced Tea is a fan of like alternative White Guy comedy. I just I've only listened to one episode, but it had two people I know on it, and it was like World's colliding. Yeah, and he was talking about the next body Count album.

And wow, Yeah, it was just he's great. I just like iced Tea.

I think we talked about iced Ty at Nausea and when Joda Rosa was on.

That's right. I was gonna say, I think that white boys of a certain age.

Love him, right, Maybe it's those guys reaching out.

I want to ask Todd Berry if he if he looked into being on iced Ty's.

Podcast because he got to go to his house.

Can you imagine there's fountains, things plated in gold. I imagine still guns, if it's anything like the documentary I watch, he had a lot.

Of guns, guns like on display.

Or just you know, he plays a cop on a show and he used to be a kind of a gangster wrapper.

I'm sure there's guns just later around.

They make me nervous, but in a house setting, they're they're kind of comforting.

Yeah, especially when they're up above the dining room table and crossed over yes yes, which is like yeha welcome style.

Yeah.

Really that or a horseshoe or an old Paris keys.

It really makes a house a home.

Whatever you can throw up on that wall like you are, like your chili's on the wall.

A license plate from an old car, a signed headshot of Tommy.

Lasorda, a honeydew list. Just a boomerang, just one lonely boomerang.

I always when I'm in an outback steakhouse, I have daydreams about grabbing the boomerang off the wall and just chucking it, but having it super work well like a boomerang's supposed to do, and come right back to me.

And hit you in the forehead and knock you out.

No, I just catch it and mix my soup with it. Oh, it would be better if it hit me in the head.

Do they have good soup? It out backstick casts?

Nothing there is good. It's a very surprising restaurant. It's very expensive and disgusting and horrifyingly disgusting.

Like covered everything is covered in grease.

It's just like Chili's, but very expensive.

What would you what would your favorite restaurant like that be?

Kind of like a chain that is like a guilty pleasure toea, I'm afraid, and I don't. I can't eat most of this stuff anymore. But Olive Garden has never done me wrong. Oh yeah, I just avoid the breadsticks and I go straight for the pasta.

But as you know, I'm off the old.

You're off but I'll still go.

I'll still it's worth some sore wrists.

Well, you can sometimes have you could have endless salad and breadsticks, right, it's not.

Something that over I will you know what, when it comes to breadsticks and salad, I do want there to be.

An end.

That you know, because you're an adult.

Right, It's kind of like when your dad catches you smoking, then you have to sit in the garage and then finish a whole cart and you know what I.

Mean, yeah, my dad.

Although some of us have like a yeah, yeah, I mean Dad's Yeah, it is Father's Day?

Should we saying what up? Fathers?

What up?

Daddy?

What up daddy O?

A phrase you and I both use and we're comfortable yeah right up the tongue. Yeah it should because it sounds great to the listener as well as the speaker.

What up daddy O? I oh, I wanted to dive out of the car, just like.

I was trying to write a tweet about my dad on Twitter for Father's Day, and then I remember, like, my Dad's not on Twitter.

Doesn't give a shit about Twitter.

There's like those kind of presentational things people do on Facebook and Twitter of like it's my three old daughter Sasha's birthday, I love you, honey.

Where it's like she doesn't know, Yeah, you're doing this for yourself.

No, I do. When someone puts up a Father's Day photo, I do.

I would like them to also be tagged in and to prove that their father is enjoying it on Twitter or Facebook or whatever the thing is when it is and it's just like, are you just showing off because you're hurting the feelings of a lot of people that don't have to ads right now shumping it in their face.

I mean, everybody has to deal with loss, loss, and on different holidays, it stings worse for some people than others, right, not me.

I had a great Father's Day and grant.

I have a great father, as do I, and I like to sometimes revel in that advantage so that when other sad holidays come up for me, I'm bullied by that, right past success or at least just beating out other people emotionally.

Right, Like I get sad on Mother's Day, me too, So then on Father's Day, it's like, let's celebrate, yeah, and maybe to help the other I'll put up a picture of my mother and my father.

I like it.

Yeah, that's a good plan to.

Take the good, to take the bad. But then you have the Fact of Life.

That's at ah featuring George Clooney.

Featuring who liked Natalie at one point, which gave this old girl such hope.

A little while cloone dog was master Dog and Napster.

Had kind of had a weird thing between them. Once learned as a girl who grew up being told on a daily basis that she looked like Natalie from Facts of Life, which is like people figuring out a great way to say, hey, hey, fatty, you wear your hair the same way as this girl.

It was very destructive to my self esteem. And then that episode came along and I was like, ah aw hell I started talking like that. How you like me?

Now?

Have you ever met a church colony?

No.

I stood next to him at the valet at Dantana's Steak Place.

I knew at one point you would have interacted with him. Yeah, you can't.

I've lived here so long, you can't not. Yeah, And I knew a girl that.

Used to be the They hired their own bartender when they were filming Ocean's eleven, and so they had a bar that was set up so they could go when they were done filming every night on the lot, so that Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, George Clooney, all those dudes could go just hang out in a place but not have to go to an actual public place.

And drink whiskate together.

Yeah, so they would drink and I'm sure the crew you know, was invited and whatever. They just had like their own private bar on the law. And my friend was one of the bartenders.

Oh that would be oh to be a fly on the wall or just a fly that's a bartender.

Yeah.

She said they were all great and super like polite and lovely and like she had nothing but great things to say about all those people.

I often I haven't daydreams about the set of Oceans eleven, twelve, and thirteen.

Except for that that kid, Scott Khan. I don't want to meet him. Scott con Yeah, little guy syndromes.

Scott com looks like someone that would be rude to you out in front of the ivy.

Yeah, or at a skateboard event because he's into skateboarding.

And is he really?

He also writes plays at the Falcon Theater where I near, where I live. Yes, yes, which I think is actually kind of well.

Now I like him, I know now that he's writing plays.

We're also complex. We all have dishbagness in us. Yeah, and we're also.

All post I was just happy to find out that he was a skateboarder. But I just remember when I was on.

The and I know I mentioned this a lot, the western called American Outlaws, which shot in Austin, Texas.

I was an extra. I was loading a wagon.

And a bit by Scorpion.

I was a bit by scorpion and then later dismissed because I used the wrong porta potty that was reserved exclusively for the director of Flubber, who also directed that movie. I remember scot Con just lassuing outside his dressing trailer, and there would be girls just watching him do what he was learning. And I knew that he was just you know, having sex with all these extra girls. Yes, yeah, And I don't know why that during a lot of the lines in the movie, they had him standing on apple boxes.

He's a shorter.

Guy, and so they have like a Tom Cruise issue apple box for him to stand on. Yeah, and you know, I hear I hear stories about other short actors insisting that a trench be dug for their co stars because they're walking.

What do you expect me to have apple boxes on each shoe?

You're going to tell that I'm walking like a robot dig a trench for the leading lady.

That's the thing. I believe. Yes, I believe that, Yes, it is is.

Indeed, Oh god, that plane is smoking as if it were on fire. No really, I mean it's not our guest, because it's from Australia.

There was a kangaroo.

Was that smoke?

That it is? I do believe we saw. Oh there's an.

Airplane, airplane landing that's smoking.

It's just a wing smoking. But that's maybe the worst thing to be smoking on a plane.

But you know what, Oh my god, I'm so excited right now we're gonna go.

It's gonna land. Fine, yeah it will because it's landing.

We've seen flight.

Even if the guy's drunk, he's gonna put those wheels on the ground.

And if they're coming from Australia, chances are they thrown some.

Shrimp on the bar, thrown back a couple of boom rings.

If you know what I mean, If you I wish you knew what I meant.

Do you know what I mean by shrimp? You meant drinks and buy a boomerangs?

I mean drinks.

We know what each other talking and cold. I don't know.

You don't need to do that.

I'm sure they threw a couple of whiskeys on the barbie and tossed.

A couple boomerangs down the old gullet, exactly.

Right, the liquid kind of boomerang that you swallow.

I want to see that plane on fire. I'm sorry. I love horrifying ship like this.

I know we've we've been trained to think it's normal to watch carnage because I just pop up on our timelines.

You not with you?

You don't.

Yeah, I'm afraid that it's here. We got we got a green.

But it's uh yeah, I've been watching normal things, and so I'm kind of weaning myself off it.

I just think that Facebook at the end of the day.

M hmm.

It's a lot like uh Penny Saver.

Right, yeah, left, that's okay.

What do you mean?

Right is right?

I'm sorry.

I will never not say the opposite when it comes to those. It's because it's so simple left and right hand decisions.

I just say the opposite thing.

A lot of people can't read, or they switch word to round words around.

I do it left and right.

We're gonna have to Yeah, I see, So that's all smoked from that airplane. No way, I guess those are just cumulus clouds or smoke that's accumulated.

This might be a very a scattered marine layer.

This is a This is a high stakes episode, mainly for I haven't mentioned it so far, but I.

Am ready to diarrhea, big time stomach pain.

Should we go to the Starbucks?

I mean i'd have to pause.

I mean, we are about to pick up our guest, and I'm sure he's ready to get picked up?

Are you sure?

I'm not exactly sure, but I'm gonna look at my little clock.

It's time to pick up Todd.

That's what your phone said.

Uh yeah, it's just directly from United Airlines. Let's see here, I have I have his flying information, okay, and it says, oh, they're running a little late, eight thirty nine estimated arrival.

That's a nine minute delay. I might have time.

To enter one of these restaurants to have a little concert with my favorite band, John Spencer.

Assex question, I'm sorry, that's a joke. I rot in eighth grade.

I missed that band, me.

Too, a real one, and Boss Honk he'd come to town and Jawbreaker.

Let's let's talk about Drawbreakers.

Yeah. I was really happy to see you with Jawbreaker on vinyl.

Yes, and you know.

The guy and I know Adam the drummer.

And there's a show that you and I have both done in San Francisco.

At the Sinica sin Cave.

Ye cynic Okay, I just got it. Yes, and he owns that video store. That's right, the guy from Jawbreaker.

Fucking kidding me.

Dude, We're gonna let him have it. Oh, I wish we had my baton.

I can't see him. If people don't let you merge, it is so rude.

I'm yeah. Is this all right?

Yeah?

I've had stomach pain all day. I don't mean to be graphic. This is correct. Anything that has a roof and some portions, I'd chake a china shop right now, Okay, And I think I'll be more on point and funny once.

I sure just get.

This toxicity out of me.

I don't know what's happened, but will you in I will I won't run with a lot of jostling.

I'm gonna okay, we'll be right back. Maybe I'll put some music right here.

Oh here, I can, I can put music.

Wait wait, wait, bathroom break. Really gotta go, but okay, and I'm back.

That was a horrifying war zone of a bathroom by the first few minutes, because I was in there about fifteen. The first few were spent doing janitorial, just basic.

Services, some light services with lifesole you brought from home.

It had been neglected. I had to get rid of some of the seat graffiti.

That's my favorite gang graffiti.

Is Yeah, it's for you to have to claim that, yeah, this is the exit.

Cool, he's not he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't fucking care. Oh they're Oh they're in cahoots idiots.

Yeah they are the worst idiot relatives.

Yeah they are related expositions. I'm about to read it.

Did anyone else's family ever buy just because there's two matching cars. That just reminded me that my aunt and uncle relatives bought matching cars. I think because they were cheaper if you bought too.

I remember families like that, and I don't think you get a deal.

It's just people get scared. Once they are happy with a car experience, They're like, let me keep buying. I used to do that with skateboards. I was a big fan of the you know, and I'm sure I've talked about this, the nineteen ninety three Mark Gonzalez blind skateboard deck.

I ordered five or six.

Of them, just so I wouldn't have to get used to a new skateboard.

Oh that makes sense.

It did make sense. I wonder why I don't think that way anymore.

That was a good idea, But that's I think that's why because there are families I knew that just would always have suburbans.

Yeah, and they keep buying suburbans.

But I mean two families, two different families getting the same car is what I'm talking about at the same time, which I think it's like, oh, if you buy two, will take you know, three grand off the price.

Of each type bar okay.

And so you go to your and said, hey, Jim or whatever your neighbor's name is, yeah, okay.

But it's like if there are relatives, then it's more two brothers going, let's buy these matching station wagons.

Wow, gives a shit, it doesn't matter.

Well, that's maybe what we do. Well, it's weird because that guy was in the way and we couldn't get out of the parking lot, that horrid McDonald's where people were limping out of it.

And they're not a place of health. It's not, it's not.

It's the bastion of given up. But it's you know, I enjoy their fries. We honked at the guy, and then the guy in front of him almost moved before him. He's like, oh, he's with me, and they had matching cars.

So I just like people to pull up wherever. And then it's like, this is the exit of a terrible.

Yeah, anyone deserved to be honked at, and I saved my honks me too. If someone almost hits me, I don't go punish him with a loud When people lay on the horn, I'm like, you're just terrible, and this is you're taking out something from the office today. But when they're in front of the driveway, yeah, it wasn't even buy a curb.

It's not a curb, and you're not paying attention and you're kind of just doing whatever, which is all of Los Angeles driving.

It is people just.

Doing whatever they want and then being kind of irritated when it doesn't work.

Out for you. Right, Yeah, I don't like that.

I don't like anybody.

Everyone kind of becomes when they're driving. They become that kind of republican.

Not to get all.

Political audience, but the whole Hey I got mine now, no one else can have a piece mentality.

That's right.

That's how people are in their cars.

Yes, it's like it's my way or the highway, and it's a lot of times it is just that if you're on the side streets, you wish other people were.

On the highway.

Yeah, that's right.

That's my way is the side streets. That's how that that's saying got started.

It's such a catchy saying that.

I was wondering when a great Limb Biscuit song.

We are now entered into Lax.

We will be. We can round the entire Lax drive, but we're going to terminal seven.

And is that because our boy Todd Glass?

Todd's Jerry, No, I call him Todd Glass all the time. He actually likes it, Oh he does. They appreciate They mutually appreciate each other's recognition.

Podcast is he on United.

I was writing the word podcast. Oh, that's why you said comedy. They appreciate each other's kind and maybe they like each other's podcast. They do, Maybe they do. I wonder if Ice Cube likes ice Tea's podcast.

I mean, are they friends?

I would like to think so.

Because were they They weren't in the same they those weren't They weren't in the same groups though.

Right, No, no, they never were.

They have the same era though Ice Tea came a little earlier, but they definitely probably did shows together.

Yeah.

But what surprised me on the podcast, I least knew that had Todd Barry's against He was saying, ninety nine problems and a bitch ain't one was a quote from his friend he was hanging out with, and they did they recorded it, and there is a version that is a nice Tea song called that Oh. And then he said jay Z did a version that was more popular. And he said, but I don't have a beef. That's

If someone does your joke, you want to kill them.

Yeah, which is why I think you know, the comedy game is a little bit more thuggy.

It is, definitely, it's much scarier.

You've heard me threatened the.

Well being of Demitriumard. That's some fucking East Coast West coast shit.

It is well because I think concept it's in stand up comedy. Everyone is trying to establish their voice and their originality, and so when people steal your shit and your originality for their own, it gives them a credit they don't deserve, right, And we all know how much it means, because it does mean a lot.

I spent a long time writing my rainbow joke. Then I'm just a fan. I'm not I'm not gay.

I just I'm a fan of light refraction, explaining all the stickers on my fictitious car, and then all of a sudden d M.

I don't know. I don't want to get into it. Otherwise there will be another.

There'll be a shootout and at a party.

Yeah, we'll lose another comic.

Then we can't lose it.

No, not any Let's just put down the guns. We're supposed to be entertainers.

You since that time have written such an incredible cat dick chunk, right. I feel like that, I mean, proves that you you have an endless font and.

I've opened it up to other animals.

My new joke, I'm so sad lately I've been put peanut butter on my dog's balls is not only a tribute to my old ball jokes, but also me opening up to not I don't just have to talk about cats, no, just because I'm a cat person a dog.

And you know, my cat dick joke hasn't been going.

That well because it makes people think of gross, tiny, pointy I disagree barbed cat dicks, and they don't want to be reminded of that.

But dogs balls, Oh, everyone's just loves them.

Well that the the vowel sounds and dog balls kind of flows really nicely.

Okay, so it's more like the vernacular.

There's a poetry to it.

Yeah, okay, dog balls.

Yeah. But also because most dogs don't have balls, which is funny to me.

Well, if you care about your animal, you get them chopped off, right, But.

If you're some kind of like renegade breeder.

Or you live on a farm somewhere where they're not gonna you know, have.

Access to a dog's a lady dog.

Yeah, just grow him out.

Once Todd Berry gets in this car or Tod Glass, I don't even.

Know either one.

It doesn't matter, it'll be Todd.

Berry and it's going to be great.

Yeah, once he's in here, man, the energy level is going to skyrocket.

Well, we because right now.

It's like Sunday evening, it's Father's Day, Father's Day. I just had at time.

I had had a particularly unpleasant movement at a very unpleasant restroom.

Yeah, that seemed awful.

It was awful, and I haven't quite shaken the emotional you know, ramifications.

The agents, the ramifications.

I hate everybody.

This is I don't know what we were thinking podcasting at the airport.

What what were we thinking?

Stupid idea?

Was this?

What's your idea?

I told you I wanted to do a bakery podcast.

It would have been so not air conditioning, sugar flower for you sometimes Coca Cola. I you're lazy, dumb cakes.

And then we will just I think cutting in right here would just follow that. Joe's crap shack shuttle a lot of people. It just as Joe knows airport parking.

That's some guy trying to get famous off his shuttle business.

No, sorry, that's Joe himself. Hey Joe, what are what? What would she?

What?

What should we talk to Todd Berry about? I'd like to mention this, this iced Tea podcast and how he ended up on it.

That's where I'm going to start.

That's a good idea.

Secondly, I'm going to ask what the hell he's doing in Los Angeles. He's the New York guy, what are you doing here?

It won't be that aggressive with.

It, good yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be like, oh, so tell me what are you doing here?

You know?

And then we can just go straight into the Charleston and the flag.

The yeah, yeah, we'll start start talking about that stuff.

Right, just go straight to race race issues.

Even Mitt Romney said take down the Confederate.

I loved that.

I'm surprised by it.

I respect it.

I mean, big, it's the least he can do. But I would not expect him to even do the least.

Yeah, because so many people, the partisan aspect of politics these days is.

Makes it so that no one can make any kind of.

Move like that, because everyone is so locked into their part that they're playing.

No, you're right, I know exactly what you're saying.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Well, it's hard to make a point when we're just being flanked by so many priuses.

And that guy hate your roller bag. It should be a backpack.

That guy dashed out into the crosswork walk with his rolling bag as it's to say, I'll go now, people dashed with such confidence here, Yeah, and they're wrong to do it.

I want to roll down the window and like you, who do you think you are?

Missus dash, missus dash instead of salt, missus dash, my cousins missus d I did too, sad like my cousins weren't around. But privately I would sing the missus dash jingle, Missus Dash, missus that was?

That was the jingle.

Was a lady kind of sensually, very very sexually whispering about basically, what's powdered MSG?

Yeah, like powdered MSG is gonna get you laid? Missus that and who uh Sally Kirk? What's her name? That was from mash that you? Yeah? She do the hidden Valley, hidden Valley ranch.

Oh god, I'll take any man's dick right now.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

That's the voice she was making right. No, it was weird for me to just blurt at that.

I thought it was something that was a different topic.

Well, I did it in her voice.

I actually used to do an impression of her arms.

Really, let's hear it.

It was just that it was like hidden Valley Ranch. It's the way she did.

I guess she does have kind of a made up you know, like Madonna accent, where it's like, oh, were you abroad for a couple of weeks and it changed the way you permanently talk.

I got to uh, I got to do I did a very tiny part on Maren and I went uh like last season, like one line and it was with Mark Maren and Sally Kirkland playing his mother, and she I got to like, she had me rehearse her lines with her. It was amazing. I got to like kind of hang with Sally Kirkland. That's great, very excited.

Was she a good person?

Super cool?

I feel like we should maybe risk pulling over for a minute.

Let's do it, miss is Dash.

Well, maybe I'll just tell him are you close?

Okay?

This is when we're at Lax. There's a lot of these downtimes where I have to like text, So don't Oh, yeah, you know you just talked about I'll talk.

Should I talk about missus dash?

Yes, more and more missus.

What about Molly mc butter imitation butter?

Really I don't remember Molly mc butter.

You don't remember Molly mc butter.

Yeah, I don't understand.

You know what it was? Excuse me, Molly mc butter. It was back when like light food got popular l I t E.

So everything was everybody was trying to like diet in these weird, very incorrect ways.

And Molly mc butter was flaked.

Imitation butter that you could stick on like your diet baked potato, so you could have butter flavor on your potato without the fat of butter. Is back when everything people thought fat was the worst thing.

Yeah yeah, and chemicals were better than just having fat. Yeah, oh that's the worst.

Yeah.

Wait, okay, So with these flakes of butter then liquefy and or did they just stay flakes?

No, no, no, they would they would kind of turn into like a butter buttery substance when they hit heat.

There's a health store by me that makes these salads. And then at the end they're like, do you want bacon bits and it's they're like, it's okay, it's not real bacon, so it's baked. It's like the nineteen eighties chemical bacon chips. Oh yeah, I do not want them. They are bright pink.

Those things are so gross.

But it's back to being like, oh, but they're organic and made with soy, and I don't know.

It's funny.

Well, that's I get the same feeling with when people have like vegan pizza with vegan cheese, where vegan cheese seems like a plastic cup melted in the sun. I don't understand why people eat that. No, it's not enjoyable.

It's funny how when people decide to be vegan. I understand the animal aspects and agree with it and struggle with it in my brain all the time.

I don't like eating animals and the name I'm weak. You know. I eat chickens that's the or chicken, whichever is the plural.

You always eat three chickens.

I always I eat multiple. I guess I'm not hearing.

Oh waiting for bag, he said, I don't. I don't know what that means. He's just waiting at the turn about.

Ummm. But I okay, okay, cool, Sorry to make you do that particularly hectic day at LAX.

Maybe we should sit here for a second since no one's telling you.

Yeah, yeah, let's just wait. Let's just wait. I'll tell him.

Did you ever have Cizzeline.

Instead of bacon?

Yeah?

Sorry, I'm typing. This is so bad for podcasting that I'm texting.

Oh, that's fine. I'll just tell you a story and you can have listen.

Okay.

Because in the same time, in the eighties, when people started dieting in that way, they made Sizzeline, which was like a fake.

I'm having trouble, oh.

Which was fake bacon.

Yeah, I remember it.

It was like bacon.

Without the fat, but it was weird and not It was like weirdly almost like chemically.

Altered bacon.

I've been I've been a big fan of turkey bacon lately.

Oh, I don't like turkey bacons.

It's only thirty thirty calories of slice.

I feel like bacon's a thing that's easy not to eat. If that's what you think your diet problem is, Yeah, you don't.

You don't have to work that hard. No, just don't have bacon.

It's like e cigarettes come on.

Yeah, although I have to say I do like the fact that vaping allows you to get stoned like inside a bar and.

No one knows. I think that's really cool. There we go from people who don't drink.

Yeah, no, I understand it, and I agree. And it's the way I quit. I mean, who am I? Well, I'm so two faced.

That's how I quit smoking.

Well, that's good though.

Buying those shitty little lum cigarettes.

From seven to eleven, Oh that's good.

Yeah, they were horrible and they hurt my throat way more than cigarettes did.

But didn't they help me quit? They did, indeed, But didn't I though they certainly did.

They certainly did, and I'm a better man for it.

Now.

Now here's the thing about you and I.

When we're not actively engaged in a real conversation, right, we're still as fascinating as any other times.

Anyone listening right now, they're like, this is riveting, and am I right or am I wrong?

They have not said.

Anything of substance, but I am in a panic even when I'm not driving here.

Look, I mean, this is it's crazy. It's every man for himself.

This is this is mad Max, and it's not feminists.

Oh my god, look you're the worst all these How could everyone that's the worst be the worst all at the same time.

Well, also because some people are driving like they should just like they're on the street and it's not like that this is this is not what's happening.

Oh my you no.

I wish that we could have just stayed there. That's the problem with it. That is the flaw with our podcast. You cannot you have to keep It's so hard to time picking someone up.

Uh.

That and the fact that when when in doubt, I'll just start talking about size. That's a serious problem. Although did you have Stakums? Did your mom ever buy that food where she was like, and if I don't come home in time, you can make this, And it was like things like stakums.

It was just frozen burritos.

I ate like a lunar until I was finally in college and uh, you know someone else was making I was like, it's the same with my dad. He said that my grandma was such a bad cook. Then he went to the army and he thought the food was so great. It's like, have you guys had this chicken fried steak? And they're like, yeah, I used it.

To resole my shoe, and then I.

Was loving the food zoo at the University of Montana.

Zoo. What does that mean? It was just like the cafeteria.

Missoula, I think zoo. It was the first, which I've never liked. People call Missoula zoo town now like it's an untamed where's the lion tamer? We're all out of our minds.

You take it easy. It's kind of a liberal college down with a lot of hippies. It's not a zoo.

People love like a nickname these days.

Oh god, Yeah.

People hate saying entire words in their entirety. It's entirety. Are short for entire is short for entirety.

See I did it In one sense.

You're the opposite of those people.

You you want redundancies and repetitiveness.

I prefer the entirety of an entire word.

Say the full worldly.

Even the word word.

I'd like to feel every consonant, Chris, Yes, what was I doing my Sally Ketterling voice again.

I'd like to feel every consonant.

Every consonant and creamy.

Topping watch it blanket over the cruel.

Toms I was on mash. That's how she ended it. I always thought that was like it.

Was hot Lis Houlahan in the still, mat.

Do I need to hear that in the commercial? Why do you say that at the end of it?

Give it validity of that? She knows, I guess she knows. What should I do?

This? Yeah? Yeah, cut across doing what you're doing? Or this, yeah I do Yeah.

This is what I'm doing.

This is what we should do. I imagine at any moment he will be curbsided. All right, this is a yeah, this is a crowded airport, and I think we've been smart to pick up our friends at their houses and take them to shows or just to get dry cleaning, because it's.

A controlled situation.

And this place has a way of not making me control my emotions.

Oh, of your extream range.

I really, it's just you know, it's the people. It's the congestion.

Yeah, it's the the lighting. Right now, for instance, it's the sun isn't quite down, it's still.

It's hard to see. I'm now I'm nitpicking.

I feel like for me, when I was little, going to the airport was always a big deal. It meant someone exciting was coming, right or something different was gonna happen, and so that's why I always like it.

Oh wow, Yeah, no one ever came to visit.

Uh, when I'm in my entire life, I'd never have gone to the airport to pick up a family.

No, never, that's crazy.

Now they lived in town and they were unpleasant.

I'm just talking about like people that I won't name, not my immediate family, nothing, but yeah, his old cousin of mine, he did not like when in town.

To talk about his bowl cut.

There's something about these bull I mean, I want to go. Yeah, let's not talk about them. We'll wait until in the car.

But why all these crazy kids have bowl cuts? That's all I'm saying.

Are you talking about someone.

Has a bowl cut? I wasn't gonna but now you opened up that bag.

Well don't it What a jerk. I'm just saying now like bowl cuts, it's a sign of something.

Yes, sure, I do want.

I was, however, jealous of everyone when I was a kid that legitimately had straight hair, and they would just put a bowl on their head and cut under it.

You remember that, like mom?

Well yeah, well, I mean I don't I feel like moms did it.

I don't think people did it. To themselves, did they.

Well, I suppose you're right, you'd need a second party. And what a party? That would be a bull cut party. We started, we get started about that party. Darren Carter the party.

I wonder if Darren Carter ever had a big red bull cut. Do you know that guy? Yo?

Yeah, the party starter. I've had to follow him.

I've eaten it so many times, following Darren Carter, the party starters.

He's easier to follow these days. He's a sweet guy though.

Yeah, it was always very nice, but he's uh.

He would he would close with that impression of Bart Simpson, and he literally looked exactly like Bart Simpson, and then he would walk off stage like you can't He.

Would oh can you please remember his Bart Simpson closer?

I really do you know it?

Oh?

I do not know it?

Oh it was.

He would just say basically that he looks like Bart Simpson, and then he would do strike a pose like Bart Simpson's skateboarding, and he was able to stick his head back and stick his top lip out and like, do this thing, and he looks he can make himself look like Bart Simpson. I can't even explain. Oh wow, it was really hilarious, and then I get up there with my astute observations about.

Modern life and people would be like, boo, we want Bart Simpson.

Can I tell you how happy I am that I didn't have to go to this club in Canada when I.

Think I talked about it.

Oh yeah, yeah.

There're two comics, last Time dueling Simpson's sex jokes. No, yes, I can't even do your own marriage, tickle my balls or whatever.

And then the next guy go up and go, oh, Smithers, tickle my balls. They had the same they started together in the same town, and then they had these dueling bits and they neither of them could afford to not do their bid shit, so they each had.

And the audience is like the last guy did of Simpsons.

Also, this show hasn't been relevant for eleven years.

Right, well, this was about eleven years ago.

Oh oh, I see right, heat Oh.

Right, yeah, I wish I had had a good Simpsons bit back then.

I have to say, what I've always loved about the Simpsons is that this Simpsons sex.

Life is so healthy, right. I think that's very sweet that they included that in that story.

I don't know, I always thought I don't want to know that cartoon characters are having sex. I kind of didn't like it when he'd be like ooh and they turn off the lights, and it was like the clearly like it.

No one March is going, oh, you know.

I don't want to think of your yellow cartoon genitalia.

You know I I.

Don't want to hear about the cartoons having sex. It's just I guess a lot of people like it.

It's not true.

I mean, I guess a lot of people. I'm having an allergic reaction.

Like in those you know, on porn sites they do have like there'll be animated up in the corner.

I've only seen them when I watch other people on their computers.

It'll just be Marge Simpson and then you know, a gladiator or something. And people does tap into some weird people's sexual fantasies.

I guess not for me.

I don't like.

I don't want to hear, but I don't want to think about it, and I want to hear about it.

Well, cartoons, what if we just talked about it for a little bit more.

Okay, I guess I do like it when they like Betty Boop.

I get that because she's a human.

What about when bugs Bunny dresses up like a lady and.

I mean that was ahead of its time.

I mean, but hot or not, I'm kinda have to say not, even though that's just because it's not for me.

I can be for other people.

It's just not okay, all right, I think we're I think we have good luck on this round.

I think Todd's going to be waiting for us.

I like that you have positive thinking. I haven't gotten any word.

And also, will you look up and see if there's any word on the smoking wing of the airplane that's got to be on the news.

Oh right, somehow, let's see.

Let's see, Well, well you do that.

I'll try to think of other sexy cartoon characters.

Okay, smoking, Well, I wrote smoking. I'm typing what I saw smoking airplane above Sepulvita.

That should be on the news.

What was it? What was the airline?

It was an Australian one, Quantas.

I believe I'm going to hear about it. Oh, I mean, Sunday Night's not a cool time to be here.

No, No, it's the worst.

It's not cool at all.

And I don't know. I'm not finding anything.

Did he is he anywhere?

No, No, no word yet. Uh still waiting for his bag.

I suppose, Oh we're pulling over.

I guess we are. Wow, there's a lot of people.

There's so many people here, boy, I don't want to have to get across that river ship.

If there's a buzzing, is it? My boy, we're having some technical I'll just hold it up in the air.

That seems to help it. Is it. It's not the air conditioner, is it.

No, it's a problem with the zoom. But sorry for the buzz right now.

I don't know what that is.

But I have the most high quality piece of equipment. But it's buzzing, and I apologize to.

Every Do you want to pause it until Tod comes out?

Yes, let's do.

That in the very back.

If there's really how big is that? Hi?

Hid?

Yeah, but my guitar is back there. You can just throw it in here.

If that's cool. Sorry for that delay. We Uh it's a bad day at l a X, buddy.

Yeah, and you were waiting for your bag this whole time.

Get in.

You don't have like a charger.

That No, we got a mic under your uh bag there?

Yeah? I think probably let me grab here we go.

Their mini van broke down at the airport.

Two guys pushing a mini van, terrible, proving task that things can always be worse. Here's your mic I'm it's dangling out of my hand here like a.

Limp.

Todd, thank you.

You know where you're going?

We do, we do know.

And man, this was perhaps the worst l a X congestion and crowd and manic behavior we've seen so far or heard.

So far with the history of our podcast.

But now we're here, Todd, how are you?

Yeah? All right?

Yeah, there should be a hole though.

Yeah, it's a Mormon sheet with a seatbelt hole in it. The seed is there, The cover is there to protect people from don't.

Dog hair, So you don't have that, Yeah, I do.

If you have the cord, I can unplug mine and give it to you. There you go, you and all your goddamn demands. We're the ones that have had a bad time.

I had the best time listening to you on iced Tea's podcast today today. Yeah, another guy, Okay.

It was how did you find it?

I just found it? I don't I wanted to ask you how you Yeah, I'll wait until you're micd Sorry that's all right, and then the.

Chord it was just Iced Tea has these segments to his podcast where he'll just start talking about something and then when he's done talking about it.

He'll go and that was movies, and then he has a kind of a little beat that his movie like, and then they'll go on and that was sports.

And I love it and I loved this guy. I just I'm gonna listen to Iced Tea.

Talk probably it's quite a little bit.

I just I gotta find my charger.

That's quite all right here it is.

Yeah, Ice Teeth podcasts.

All Iced Tea. Uh, how did you end up doing that?

It's weird. I got this inquiry through I guess my publicist.

Oh yeah, I know about l A X.

And I start talking. Just turn into one of y'all, turn into m hmm on my phone. I always makes for it makes it seem like a real podcast. No, no, because it's not too slick.

We like the people like the sites and the sounds, and we don't have video on this.

Nothing like the sound of me plugging in my.

Phone and muttering to yourself as you'r angrily trying.

To it is. Yeah, people like trust me. And people like this.

Yeah. So I got this inquiry to be on his podcast and I was like, I was like, I really he knows who I am? And uh, they go yeah yeah. And I took a boss over there. He lives in New Jersey. I can't tell you where. Of course, Now you take a boss and it drops you, I'm supposed to drop you right in front of his house, but I I screwed up, So I wo ended up a few blocks away. But this guy picked me up and I go to iced Tsu actual home, actual condo. Yeah, like,

But and then I was so surprised that John Daly was also.

Yeah, well, I think what it is is because when I I probably I guess I could reveal this. But when I walked in the dory at some point he's like, what's your last name? Again? So I so he's got this young kid in LA who books it. Okay, so he's like a comedy nerd. But it was really, I mean he was really it was very nice. Yeah, and he was it's fun to do and it's just surreal. But there was also times when he would like he

You're all like sugar Hill Gang.

What I'm like, I'm like Bell and Sebastian. Do you like Indie Rock? Do you like guitar strummy Indie Rock?

Well?

I did notice he asked you like you had he asked you something, and then right when you're done talking about it, he said.

Well, what else is up with Todd Berry? Like you just had to come up with a new It was like, oh, let's.

There was one part where he I kind of I'm like, yeah, he goes, I get you. I get you, And I thought I took it in a good way because I felt like, oh he does. I felt like he he likes people who aren't like him, right, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. Like he was like, all right, you got this thing going. I got something else going. But that's cool that you got that going.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from. I don't know where you're coming from, but.

I get it.

It's like if I I mean like accepting of me for not being as boisterous as as other guests are.

Maybe yeah, yeah, we'll have to work on that.

It seemed like he was he was on your level the whole time. But it was funny because then John Daly called in. Yeah, he looks like, here's our dorky nerd correspondent talking and he's out of Ralphs.

And then John Daly's segment was like twenty minutes long.

Yeah that was really that was funny and he was howling over that.

Yeah.

Yeah, like I felt a little. I was like, oh wow, I guess I lost the competition. Yeah, so I lost the comedy d weeves on. Uh, I lost. But the I met Cocoa, she offered me glass wine iced tea. This is the great thing. I should have tweeted this, but Iced Tea served me a glass of ice water.

Exclusive. That's pretty rad.

Yeah, did you was it hard to avert your eye from Cocoa's body assets?

You know, I'm in the guy's house. I'm not going to right checking out his wife.

Yeah?

And were you too embarrassed to ask for a glass of iced tea?

You just took what he gave me?

No, Well, I mean, I'm sure he's heard enough ice tea jokes.

Yeah, are you sure?

But lately though, do you think?

Yeah? But it was surreal just to have that like it was. I did instagram a screen grab. That's the worst Instagram the screen grab of my I cow where I had record Iced Teas podcast.

That's pretty yeah.

I in my heart, I was hoping he was just a fan of like, yeah, I stand up to me.

But I think he sort of, yeah, he records. It's weird because he records his podcast, like the guy in l A is sort of running it while and it's like we're in New Jersey and it's being like sort of like what is that sort of like through other lots somehow it's being recorded in LA but it just seems so complicated for a podcast. But it was fun.

What are you doing here? Why? Why have you landed in Los Angeles?

Well? I just came back from Hawaii where I did two shows.

Where did you do them?

I did them in Honolulu and uh and Maui a little town called Paya in Uhaya, I think it's called actually have you Yeah? And uh So I did that and it was fun and uh it's my first trip to Hawaii? Was it really Yeah, I'd never been.

Did you love that? Like the way it all smells in the air, and well it.

Is, Uh, it is just a lot of it is like I've never seen, you know, I have never seen water look like that before. And there are all sorts of crazy ship. But you're as jet lagged at tires.

Yeah.

Did you have downtime? Were you there a few days where you could down?

You mean just just on stage?

You didn't?

You didn't?

You did?

Did you get down on yourself? Did you?

Yeah? Were you ever down on yourself?

Well?

Doing comedy?

Uh?

You know, flop around in the ocean a little?

I had?

Yeah, I did, I was. I did minimal beach beaching. But yeah, I got a pedicure in Honolulu, which is.

What you know.

There's a lot, really sweet, a lot of pressure to do everything, and that ends up being countered into a vacation.

Yeah, I'm sorry if my idea of enjoying Hawaii is staying in the hotel room.

I'm sorry. If I have a view of a volcano and I am refreshing my Facebook fan page, that's how you relax, that'shim. I like doing that. But when you're going to a chain restaurant.

Yeah.

Now you're taking the freeway. That's interesting because I didn't think anyone take it.

Oh yeah, if you if you know how to get placed, This is that true? Oh yeah, I freeway, take.

It for a little while, and then I'm going to get back off.

I'm freeway all not the locien time.

No, no, too much stopping.

Even if the freeway is congested, you're never really at a full stop.

But this highway seems like it's moving, So that's good.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm it's because I have a history of cars that if I ever stopped them, they would quit running.

What do you think my ETA and my hotel is?

I would say ten ten thirty seriously, Yeah, oh yeah, we can get you at ten thirty.

It's going to be that long.

Yeah yeah, but there's a big city. Maybe ten twenty five.

I would take another forty five minutes.

Oh right now. Oh I was looking at Karen's.

Yeah.

Fuck, let's see here.

It's nine forty three.

Do you have a date waiting for you at the hotel?

I am meeting someone.

Oh okay, it is a nine point I bet we'll have you there by ten ten how about that.

Okay, so you just lopped off quite a chunk of time. Yeah, yeah, maybe you're just trying to placate me and you feel like.

Trying to placate you into good podcasting.

Yes, yes, you guys can edit this shit out right.

Oh we we have.

Are you like me? You like I don't edit any Yeah, yeah, we.

Don't if we could if we were willing.

But as in, have you been in Hawaii?

Well, I know Karen has but when I was there, yeah, it's uh there's a line from a punch Drunk Glove where he goes, uh, wow, it really looks like Hawaii here, And that's what I felt like when I was in Hawaii. It just looks so Hawaii.

Like I did wonder whether if you live there, whether all that gets really old quickly?

I think it was I stay.

I have stayed there for like two weeks in a row, and by the end of the second week I was totally ready to come back. But I think it's like, it's just certain for personality types like if you are super into chilling all the time, right, and that's the perfect place for you to live.

If you're someone that's running away from a problem, but you're not afraid to wear flip flops all.

Day and listen to Sublime.

That's your spot.

You should live in Hawaii if you don't like current news, if you like bartending and having sex with the other bartenders.

He slow Internet.

Yeah, if you really like what you dsl speed, then you should live in Hawaii.

But it's beautiful there.

It is quite beautiful. Yeah.

Did you see the sorry but the that's Mars and Neptune. I believe that making that line isn't that cool?

Oh?

Wow?

I believe I saw that when I was ten thousand feet above sea level.

Did you did you rent a hotel on the top of a volcano?

No, there are no hotels on top. Oh I thought I had a nice beachfront hotel, like a little private hit kind of place.

Well, did you get laid Hawaiian style? That's a private question.

I got two lads. If you want to make laid.

Joke, I do want to make leJOS like we're all above that, like it's but it's the seventies again.

If I I would have said, don't you mean iced tea? I would have said that, and then when he sneered at that joke, I would have looked at his wife and said, you know what, maybe I'll just have some hot cocoa.

I would have doubled it.

And then you would have been like, here's the bus stope you later.

After getting butted in the back of the head with a gun handle.

Now, did you play out there from New York?

I flew there from New York, not stopped the Honolulu.

That's a long staceh get.

Some miles to bump it up. Yeah, of course, cash bash at miles, glad I did that.

Yeah, it's important to do that.

Yeah, because that's how long a sight.

Is that it's about pushing eleven hours.

No, thank you, not me.

It's pretty brutal.

Interesting thing about Hawaii. No snakes, not a single species of snake on any of the islands.

But they do have terrible spiders a large upsetting jump.

Wait, did you say there's no snakes and there's no snakes in noise?

I don't believe that it's gotta be bull I didn't believe that it's gotta be. There are no spid legend bullshit.

They don't they really monitor whether or not snakes.

Oh I did see was there was a place where there's like turtles come ashore. Yeah, and they rope them off. They put a little barrier.

Around them so you can't touch them.

Yeah, so it's just one little, well big turtles sitting there. Then there was a monk seal, which I saw.

What's that just a solemn?

I think it's a seal. I think it's called a bunk seal, but it's a seal that's I think only indigenous to only available in Hawaii. And they had a little rope around that. It was like somebody, I mean, I just thought it was really sweet. Did they take care of their animals?

Yeah, they don't let creepy tourists like they're out in the water, but someone swims out there and puts a rope around them.

Was like a little piece of tape. It's not it's like a police tape.

Are you sure that they weren't dead? And that's where chop outlines what if.

That turtle was murdered.

Yeah, it was a rope in the exact body position that.

Would be I would be really sad.

The only thing where some witnessing a human murder is a turtle murder.

Turtle murders so sad because they happened so slowly.

And they thought they were safe with the shell.

Yeah, no, no, no one as a turtle. Yeah, you still got soft spots coming out.

I saw a turtle swimming near us when we swam in the ocean one time.

Did that ever happen to us?

Swim a turtle swim near me?

Pot is literally checking him.

You're basically using his podcast to get a free ride.

And fuck you, totally focused on you.

Listening isn't the key?

Talking is the key? Well, no, I didn't. I didn't swim in the ocean. The whole time I was there. I got my feet wet, literally just got my feet wet, and then, uh, I'm kind.

Of scared of the ocean.

The time I went there, I was hanging out with I don't like to name drop celebrities.

But Chewye, the sidekick from Chelsea Lately. Yeah.

I spent all week with him and he had never It was just a coincidence. I don't know how he ended up there with the same people I was with, But he had never swim, even in a swimming pool. Oh, and we went on this boat and he was nervous on the boat. Then they had some floaty things, so he could like kick and there's a window in it. And I talked him into getting on that and I guided him around and he was yelping with joy because he.

Was though he was helping restaurants that.

Karen, you're back.

Either hoping for me in Iowa City? Uh? Three dates in the Midwest?

Would you say, yeah, I'll do.

I mean, you know, terrible money. You'd probably lose money.

Oh well, well, maybe we'll talk digits later.

Maybe I should be on record as offering you a deal where you'll lose money. Yeah, it's a thing like a champion of comics rights, for the.

For the love of the art. I mean I've been.

Oh it's not I wouldn't be that. It's not that kind of thing. It's just practicality.

So okay, because I will.

I'd rather go with someone I know it's sort of fun.

Well, we got Missoula coming up.

No, we do have.

Let's be honest, Karen, I'm not one.

All that I think it'd be. I think I could do four or five days with either of you. Be pretty I don't think there'd be arguments. You like, hey, you want to hear sure? That's fine? Yeah, that would be you make sure that's fine, as I called the show.

Yeah, so it's your The headliner picks the restaurants every night.

Headliner picks restaurants.

Headliner picks it.

And you and I in September are going to be in Missoula, Montagna, my hometown.

That'll be great. My dad says, Hi, I talked to my dad today. Yeah, he said, tell Todd.

I said hi, because you guys, I did meet him.

Yeah, yeah, I remember you a bit of an argument in this highway.

Yeah, see highways where it's at all those people. Oh god, But anyway, it's rough. But we are what what what venue are we doing in Missoula?

Up stage one twelve?

Never heard of it.

I think it might be like a real theatery. It might be a new Oh no, I think it's a fifteen thousand sea yea.

Are you gonna have a T shirt? Canadon.

I think that used to be the Crystal Theater. I've done shows there. It's going to be great. Okay, Yeah, we're gonna have a blast.

Nice people and ever since the last time you were there, in general, I think that town has become quite comedy savvy. Really, I was pretty like take and I did a show there and they people went to see Tig and they knew who she was and they were yelling out her jokes and stuff.

So I was like, that's good.

Well, I was request well, you know, they didn't know how to act, but they had they had definitely watched comedy since the last time you were there.

It's funny. There are cities where that's really the best way to describe the audits, that they just don't know how to act.

Yeah, even if they're enjoying themselves.

Well, for so long, comedy was like the comedy club kind of lord people into thinking you were just supposed to go and.

Get drunk and then like and like go a little crazy.

Well, comedy clubs, that's all they're they're into the business of drink sales.

They bring it on themselves.

Yeah.

I prefer the La model of charging and keeping all the money, not sharing any of it.

That's how you know they're gonna act correct, because no one can drink affordably. There was a I did a club in Calgary and they at the end of the week, the guy said, Wow, people don't drink during your comedy.

I've had people say that when I've done rock venues, what timing. But he wasn't mad. He just sort of whistles. He had a smile. Yeah, they're just listening to you. Yeah, hypnotic man. Yeah, sorry, you don't want to miss a word of this ship.

Is a sign of a better comic if they aren't drinking. So like, I better slow down. This guy's full of words.

I got to track this ship.

The guy before me had a keyboard and ended with a Zema T shirt and his whole act was about a shot glass and referencing Zema, and he he made a lot of drink sales and he said, do you people just don't I'm like, do you think they're not thirsting?

Or also, I didn't know that it was my job to sell your drinks.

Yeah, exactly, I'll do.

I'll do more more jokes about out sand in a canteen, or it's the things that will spark people's thirst. Here's this next ten minutes is about dry throats.

That's that'd be the way to do.

What club in Calgary was on.

It was called the Comedy Cave and I was supposed to be back a couple of weeks ago, and luckily I got a commercial and I had really and so, uh, it was good timing. But I called the guy just to work something out because I couldn't make the weekend. I just couldn't do the Tuesday through Sunday commitment.

What could you do?

I could have done Friday and Saturday, which is normal.

You're not a weekend now, weekday weekend now, Karen.

So they yelled at me, right yeah, he started yelling at me, and I'm like, well, you made this easy. I just I'm not coming.

So let me hear like what what? Did he yell?

Like?

How?

Wait?

How?

What? How much notice did you get?

I just yeah, it was about a week and a half noticed. And uh but right when I heard I got I booked this thing. I said, I'm so sorry. What maybe I can He's like, what am I supposed to do?

He just started yelling, and I'm.

Like, oh, does this never happen where a comedian gets an acting job and can't come because they're making way better money doing a thing. I'm sorry, but I He's like, no, it never happens. And I'm like, well, maybe you don't get comedians that get work like I'd start getting.

I got upset.

Do you have a book? I guess you don't have a booking agent.

I don't. I don't. If you could share yours with me, that'd be terrific.

Because that's what that's what their job is.

Yeah, I don't. I've never had a booking agent. We're revealing how blow I am on.

The comedy to I don't Iowa City.

I'm just of you if it's a way to get to know your booking agent and get to know you a little better.

I'm in what was it? What's the commercial for?

It's for a speaker, an out unbreakable outdoor Wi Fi speaker that called the Ultimate Years.

Are they going to give you one?

That's what I've That's what I wanted one. And then the guy said, oh, they'll give you one for sure.

And so I didn't embarrass myself by but I haven't received one yet.

Well, maybe you got to do the commercial and then you ask for one.

I did. Yeah I didn't. There's four little commercials. Yeah.

I got covered in leeches, I got bit by aunts. I had to.

Find out how much you got paid for this?

Oh, it's it's uh.

It's what's the proper etiquette?

As far as I guess, not asking.

I got.

I stand to not get anymore that it was a few thousand dollars.

Oh, you didn't have to tell me it was.

It's under ten.

Thousand dollars but above seven.

But the I R S there's a lean on my wage that they took.

Is that true?

Yeah, I'm not. I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of ways I'm failing as an adult.

I guess it's not the time to bring up my eight oh three credit score numbers. That's almost off the charts.

Are you good with numbers? You pay attention to that stuff.

I just pay my bills, right, here's things that I do. I pay my bills, right, I generally, for the most part, write people back.

And I don't have bad credit. Let's not jump that. I just there's something, there's just a lean.

You have that kind of good credit where there's a lean against you.

Well, California is broke and the I R S means business, Yeah, California is yeah.

Yeah, they are cracking down on a lot of people. We're also waterdrow financially.

You heard about the water right, Yeah, it's.

Okay to shower, though, don't don't come.

Here and stick it up.

Don't touch yourself and Linger.

Yeah, what do you mean by that?

Do you have to let it?

Linger?

Oh? I got you. I thought you're telling him he can't masturbate him.

Well, because it makes your showers.

Right right right? I got you.

Just go in, go out, get in there, put its soap on, rich yourself off.

But don't don't use it as a time to reflect.

Yeah, it's not.

Don't have one of these meditations.

What about these rich people who have like these double triple rainforests simulated?

Oh, they're part of the problem.

Or we maybe make friends with some of them and get in there. Does that help?

No? But are they are they like shutting off one of their five shower heads too.

I think most people aren't doing shit.

I feel like if anyone's doing shit, it's not going to be rich people, that's for sure.

Yeah.

Although I did hear that the grass at the Masters this year is all brown, which I think is great.

Oh that is surprising. Yeah, not the not the greens though.

But pants are brown.

That's weird. What a weird coincidence?

That and more in Iowa City, Iowa.

I will do those, will you really?

Yeah?

I'll do them, But you win because I don't know if I can afford, like I can afford to pay you and afford to pay for a rental car.

I won't know about what if they are willing to fork over money?

Are you know these are music menus, So.

You're slowly revealing that it will be for no money.

Well, I think I opened with that hiding. I wasn't hiding. I said it's ship money, and it might.

You might even if I end up in the area, I'll show up and do a guest.

Let me look at a cost to fly there at the Yeah, run, some numbers would be fun.

I haven't.

I've been I've kind of uh been staying in town for these commercials because I've been booking some commercial.

You know you can't do. You could do the run with me whatever else I do with Bassoula.

Oh, that'd be fun.

There you go.

It's gonna be Basula, Paris, Paris, Taxis, and then Lisbon, Lisbon, Wisconsin up the resort. They're a private fish thriller.

But Munich, Wyoming, but you have that one gig. Oh, I love Munich, Wyoming is amazing.

Have you ever done a show in Wyoming?

Is there a place you know?

I haven't because that's like that's not my I hate to say bucket list, but it's on my list of states I haven't done. Oh, you're like, do you have a map? I don't have a man, I know, No, I don't have a map.

I remember when I E code when I very first started stand up. Uh, there was a comic and now I can't remember his name or his face really, but I just remember other comics.

In terms of talking about him.

Because he had a map of the United States and he had put pins in everywhere he had on the map. The code was LP, which meant laid pipe. So he literally had a map in his room.

Sounds like arch Barker with No, it.

Was not arch Barker pipe with U literally map it with pins.

Wow? Oh for land pipe.

He's doing comedy for the wrong reasons. That's like getting into it to get famous.

So what so he has a map with every place he's taking a ship.

That's what I thought when they were first talking about it. I was like, that's just there's something wrong with him.

Yeah, what if you're the guy that doesn't know what land pipe means.

And you think I was just that guy?

What if you were the guy that that Todd just was, But in real life, I.

Was explaining the maps these cities are and you'll see Lp. That's after laying the pipe. That's a city where I was able to lay pipe.

That's where.

That's weird that he doesn't have the names of the women. He has the city.

The city more of a general feel of like, look at how I'm taking over America.

No wonder that Milwaukee, whatever your name was, You just remember laying pipe. Wow, we're almost there.

You're just a red pin. Yeah, I don't. I would never monitor that. That was.

That was guys that were starting to go off the deep end in college. That were they were tallying women they've been with. And I thought that was an unhealthy thing today, And I.

Was, right, what if you're o CD, you do it for that, right, It's the.

Same reason you line up napkins at the edge of the table.

Exactly.

I can accept that, except I have to keep track of him.

Except you're at office deco by push pins, push pins.

I could write up where are the pink push pins?

Because I'm also gonna need three or four baby blue ones. Please don't ask any questions. Cedric Gervase, Oh, we've talked about these these are DJs Yep and.

Reins in Vegas. Yes, it took me a while to figure it out. We'll just be a dude with a pencil thin.

Mussa like jaw eer. It gets on a plane with a laptop.

Yeah, yeah, ghost goes to the lux or.

Cedric's one of those men.

Yeah, and they always have Yeah, they don't have like DJ scribbles or names like I.

Thought it might be a double bill entertainers.

It was him got to be the first person, which between Cedric the entertainer and Ricky Jarvas.

His name is Cedric Jarvas.

Let's uh, let's talk about Ricky. How's l a been done? What? What's the latest here?

Since you've been We've missed you so much.

I haven't done at midnight yet? Although serious this time you did it. You obviously mentioned it. I think the guy called.

Me the next day that you haven't done it?

Can you do the first?

And I said you bet, and then he said, oh, never mind, false alarm.

Well i'll mention your name again on Wednesday.

Are you doing it Wednesday?

I knew it, Yeah, I almost didn't. I just was like, I guess I feel like, oh, I should do it every time I'm in town because it does fund the part of the trip, of course, but it also I don't know, it's like, oh, now I got to go to work, do work.

That'll be fun.

Did they give you the lunch?

Did they give you the hashtag topics? Yet?

No, they give them to you kind of last I'm not allowed to tell you, but they give to you like last minute. And yeah, quite often it's you wish you had a little more time. Now.

Do you ever use the jokes that the writers use?

Almost never? Usually my goats, my point guy who I bounced it off of his blade to patch? Yeah, he's an old friend of mine. Yeah, so, but I don't want to. I'll have them like maybe something will be tweaked, but I just don't like, I don't want to like to just.

Do ad people's jokes.

Well you know what when I if if they have jokes that are better than mine, and I know they're better, I would do them.

Well, there's the word for you.

A hack before This is where you stayed last ye, yeah, look at this.

He is a true creature of habit.

You are a creature of habit. You like this place?

Did you get enough? Uh? Did we get enough?

Yeah, well we I mean we were losing our minds at the actual airport.

Yeah, that was a night. That was That was like over an hour before I left the airport.

But yeah, this podcast will be completely an hour long, so it's actually perfect.

Half hour there, a half hour back.

Okay, nice. Oh then you guys talked.

For half Yeah, we're going to talk about you for a half an hour.

We're gon.

We're never doing any right, right, you're.

One of my afraid that's what everyone, that's what we want. I'm glad that you.

I'm glad you guys did this.

Maybe at my court.

I love you guys, and I'll let you know about the Iowa City thing.

Yeah, that'd be great. Let's stay in touch and maybe i'll see around town. I'm doing a big Foot lodge tonight.

If you want wine.

Yeah, that's just a show called Babe Island.

There's no girls there though. It'll be fun though. Todd Berry, thank you.

Todd Barry. We love you. Welcome to Los Angeles.

Of course you've been listening. Do you need a right Thank you? Todd, talk to you soon.

Well we should.

I'm sorry we had the buzzing. The buzzing went away. Y. We never want to go to Lax ever again. And uh, I'm sorry that I got upset earlier, but I think it ended up fine. And Karen, I always know that you and I no matter what happens during the podcast, we will remain.

Friends always, yes, forever.

I feel like nothing was damaged between us.

No, not in the least.

No.

That was really frustrating and kind of insane.

I don't want to go to Lax anymore. We might have to change our probably. I mean, we haven't been going there.

For a reason.

You know what it is.

I swear to God though it's Sunday night, because I think of it, everyone travels on Sunday to get either to get back or to start.

Their vacation, and nighttime.

Of course, that's like we basically hit the most the most busy. It could possibly be the most busiest, the most busiest.

Never again on a Sunday.

Never never again is what they for the time before.

Never again is well.

I love Tod Berry because I am him as well.

I got nervous.

I thought, yeah, he if I had talked to him that way, if you would jump by you said fuck you to him.

Well, I've known him for a really long time. But also uh, at one point I was like, God, it's I feel tired and it's so quiet, and you were trying to do something and I look back and he was just checking his phone.

It was like, sorry, you got to pay the piper. If you're gonna get a free ride, you you.

Well put yourself in his shoes for a minute. I mean, you get off a plane. You've been on a plane for hours and hours. That so why he needs to find out what he may be missed. There's there might be career ending news.

That's true, except.

And he had to get on his phone, so I understand why.

I just know it's true.

But you have to here's the thing, and maybe it's the thing we learned and you got to be better at faking it, right, But maybe I take that for granted because I'm good at multitask and faking things.

Hey, that is what it is. I am not.

If you saw me, I almost shut down emotionally when there was a buzz in the thing.

I can't even I can't talk anymore. I get crippled by it.

But that's also your panic, which I get the same kind of panic when it's the one thing we've we've made all this effort to go pick him up and to do all the ship and you drove to my house and.

We're doing we're we We've made a.

Day coordinating all these things and then to get to the right, to the brink of it and to have a buzzing start.

Yeah, that's like saying, well all that was for not.

Yeah, and I'm glad it stopped. I'm gonna do some tests with this. I'm gonna do some more, you know, like they do in a factory. Put in in a in a computer chair, throw some beanbags.

On it, do different tests that I run.

Look it up, pour some water on it, see what it see what's going wrong with it?

Yeah, I do. But right now it sounds great, And I think this was a good episode and feel good about it. If you liked it or like other.

Episodes, doesn't have to be this one good iTunes give us a good rating because apparently that helps us.

I think this also, I think this episode was very real.

Whereas normally like I'm in a great mood and yeah I'm being a great time and just laughing my ass off, this one was kind of like it was like work.

I think people like it when they like in this episode, we both reveal ourselves to be highly flawed.

Yeah.

And if you're out there and you work at you know, Kreganado Parts or just Tires or Uber, and you want a sponsor, do you need ride? Well, God damn it, we are. My pockets are filled with lent, if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I agree, we need a sponsor. We also need someone who, uh can help us with the technical aspects of this podcast, because we're kind of like two children with a very advanced recording system.

If we had someone, but then we'd have someone in the car tinkering around.

I don't know, I don't just need.

I just needed maybe whatever booking agent you get also with no technical, uh.

Textile, I just need help, just need help.

We both do.

And you know what the good part about all of this is everybody does.

Everybody.

Everybody needs help, needs to figure out how to ask for help. Everybody needs to figure out how to not freak out because they need help.

You're listening to Delilah and this Mariah Carey songs an old one but a good one, and it's going out to one girl.

It feels lonely. Tonight and it's Christmas. I don't there we go?

Is that what you're setting up for?

It's something about male.

Characters.

Okay, just to go back to the cartoon characters having sex. It's the same as flirtatiously singing about fucking Santa Claus.

That's what I don't buy. I agree, keep your dick out of my childhood memories.

Yeah, there is that thing of like, I'm gonna use Santa, I'm gonna I'm gonna lure Santa in with my tits and then he's going to give me more presents. I've always felt had a real problem with that.

Yeah, how about not acting naughty the way you're supposed to be around them?

Yeah, exactly. How about the sexuality of niceness?

And I think exactly, let's let's end with that.

Let's be let's let's think about how sexy it is to be nice.

Yeah, how really alluring and sexy niceness is.

You don't have to be sexy and dirty to be nice.

But you don't have to take you and you don't have to be rich to be my girl.

And you don't you don't bring me flowers anymore.

Yes, thank you. You came in for the kill saved us. My mom list that.

You're getting booked in Iowa.

My mom and love that song. She'd listen to it in a robe with earphones. The earphones were not plugged in. It was blaring through the whole house. You don't bring me flowers anymore. I don't think my dad didn't know who that song was for. There wasn't a flower shop near our house. Okay, we're gonna end this podcast. I've been Chris Aryank since I've been Garret. You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

D Y N A R.

I N I. You wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clay give us time and they turning on engage.

We want to send.

You up in sil We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Now? Form the.

The Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and chriss H