Ep. 54 - Guy Branum

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmano and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared or was it fine? Now porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to write? This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen colgaraf.

Today we have guests in our car.

Today we have guests in our car.

Sometimes we don't know. Sometimes it's you and I. Usually there is a guest.

That's right.

We're sticking to the program our original mission statement. You remember when I type that up right?

Yes, it was so loud.

Yeah, I had my intern dow copies of it. We sent it out to most of our fans. If you didn't get that, we can send you a copy. But we podcast in the car. Of course, people already know this.

They do know that for it's in the name Guy Brandham. Guy Brandham's our guest. You just did the surprise attack intro.

Guy, you have one of those names where I've said it before. I know you were friends, we were once roommates for a short amount of time. I still get nervous when I say your name. I think of it wrong.

It's not that hard, it's just brandam.

I say it every time.

Karen said it wrong on the album, on your album, on that podcast.

I'm realizing I always have said it perfectly. My nervousness comes from Karen messing it up once.

I think we all need to be less obsessed with being perfect, and that's how it be, and let's be proud to be uh not good at everything right.

And I'm sorry I just pointed fingers and specified that it was you, indeed Karen who got his name wrong. Though one time doesn't matter who does what and who does things wrong.

Just let's watch the finger.

I'm really worried. I'm really worried that you guys are going to take me to LAX and make me get on the flights.

Like I said, Guy, were sticking to the program, and that was part of the original mission statement, and I.

Get that LAX. I would also like to point out that I was booked for this podcast for less time, Like I was booked for this podcast twenty minutes before we left the party, and we were at and then we went and we got in a car for an hour. We just sat in a car for an hour waiting for you.

I didn't think it through. Listen, let's start at the beginning. Today is gay Pride in Los Angeles.

It's the day, the only day you can be proud, is the only day that you can be proud.

You really have to get it out, hopefully with balloons today.

It is a rich and beautiful expression of my culture.

Yes, I thought it was a week.

Well, it's a month. All of June is Pride month. And then all of the different cities have their pride parades on different on different.

Days, so you can take a train to all of them.

Also, your second tier cities they sometimes have their prides not during the month of June, and that's fine to San Diego, right, And then Palm Springs doesn't in November because they fucking badasses.

They just do what they want.

Well.

And also, who wants to be in Palm Springs in June?

True?

Yeah, the actual lizard. I get all confused about gay Pride because it falls in the same month as Fort Truck months, and the mcreab always comes back at this time, so I don't know what days. It's hard to keep them all my celebrating you got, let's float on into.

Cheddar Bay, listen. I was just in Canada, and while I was in Canada, there was a special McDonald's promotion and they had they had foods from all the parts of Canada. It meant that they had from Atlantic Canada. They had a lobster roll, a lobster roll at McDonald's, and part of me wanted to get it, and then this smart part of me was like, you should never

You saved so much money on your trip by just going to McDonald's exactly.

Do you realize how much traveling you'd have to do to go get a traditional cordon blue sandwich from Quebec.

I know which didn't like, Like McDonald's lobster roll is the thing that you read about in like BuzzFeed articles, but don't ever actually think that you'll see.

It's a thing you hear about on stories of the er because a lobster roll for McDonald's is guaranteed just NonStop vomiting. I mean, there's no way you're not going to become deathly ill.

Yeah, that's something where your house would have to do detective work to figure out why blood was coming out all of your offices.

And the person won't admit they got a lobster roll from McDonald's.

It's so obvious.

And then it's that's so funny.

They're like, I swear to god, it.

Was too choose.

That's a great episode.

We just wrote, Okay, well, let's mail it to the WGA and just get this thing legalized.

I gotta get in that guild some one way or another.

Get in this guild.

So because it's Gay Pride Day, I was a Gay Pride parade brunch this morning with that guy invited me to.

This is what I tore you guys from yesh.

Yeah, but I mean we've got a podcast.

Yeah, we have to.

We got to we got to and podcas guy at the peak of his brunch party just at like the you had champagne bubbles all around your head. I'm like, come podcasts with us, and then he had to sit in a hot car.

But but the thing is I say yes to life. I say yes to life in all of its many forms, and like, if you asked me the podcast, I'm gonna say yes.

And what I said is if you leave a party for three hours, your stock goes through the roof. People are like, where is he? I wanted to talk to him. Then you show up again and they're like, oh my god, he's here again.

Because we aren't going to go back right, Oh, we're gonna go you know. That's how I said.

We everyone is at Revolver Ultra Lounge now, and so we will be going to Revolver Ultra Lounge.

That sounds too high octane.

For Mesilly Megachill.

It's not just a lounge, it's an ultra lounge.

Oh, meaning they have hookah.

Meaning there's cologne everywhere.

Yes, there is colone everywhere. We don't need hookahs because the cologne is just coming straight at you.

You just suck it in the right right through your nostrils.

I one Pride Week. I went to chapter nine. It was on the corner the I R.

You're making things up. There was eleven Are you talking about eleven?

The guys the only straight guys they had there were the guys dancing, okay, and they had angel wings?

Were you went eleven?

Eleven? Thank you?

Okay? But also did I call it district? There may have been you went, there, may have been chef.

Why isn't there a chappy themed gay bar name?

Also, I resent your implication all of the go go boys are straight. Some of the go go boys were probably gay, but some of them were probably straight.

I bet some were straight, but they're willing to experiment while their girlfriend was out of town.

Oh that's so true.

It's hey, you get a dance gig, You take a dance gig, open.

Yourself up, like guy is saying, some of them are willing to open themselves up to life's many options for like one hundred and eighty dollars.

Hey, that that's a competitive price.

I had a great time, is what I was.

Who did you go with? Who did you go with?

I went with my old friend Neely has a friend who he is exceedingly handsome. Used to be an underwear Calvin Klein billboard person.

Oh he sounds hot.

Yeah, he's a date like, perfectly faced person, but he's the not and and liked me. He was so supporting. He made me feel great and and uh, and then I went to this place.

What do you put your face? Right by his name?

He just was saying, Hey, I just arrived with the hottest guy here and pointed at me, and everyone's like hello, and I.

Just it's adorable. It's good and I it's like when it's like when the football the captain of the football team takes the develop mentally disabled to go the proms.

I knew that it was a bet among his friends, and it's like, I dare you to take Chris Fairbanks and his paint covered overalls and his nerd glasses for the most high octane gay ultra lounge and pretending.

Eleven eleven was never an ultra lounge.

I wish. I'm just thinking of you know stuff. Yeah, look at her with her glasses off. No one ever knew.

I have to, Okay, but it's the game, bar.

I know that never will happen to me. I'm never flocked by women and they're like, oh my god, you're the hottest.

Oh you were directly referencing. You were directly referencing that movie where that girl gets made over. I just realized that there is a bunch.

Of those movies, I think, but you're thinking of the one where she literally does wear glasses, overalls and a ponytail.

It's like Freddy Prince Junior.

It's not she's hard, she's all that.

She's a.

Yep up number four, step up, sorry, step up for five?

Mean girls, Mean girls.

I'm done trying.

How many, caring?

How many Amanda Byes movies?

Have you seen a mandamand Amanda? I don't. I think I've seen them. The Shakespeare one.

The Shakespeare one is good, and also this second the guy who played not the main hot guy, but the second hot guy was in my improv class. But then also there's the one where she's the Prime Minister of England's secret daughter, and that one's really good too. Amanda Barbie, Angeline.

You guys, that's such good luck. To see Angeline in traffic is good luck. We decided in the nineties.

It means that there will be a fruitful harvest.

Yay, So I feel great.

The only time it's bad luck when you're here is if she doesn't have a young man in the passenger seat, or if.

She has unhinged her jaw and put it in the glove box. That's very She was totally intact.

She of course lost her job. She used to chew a lot of Copenhagen, Oh she did. She was a mountain girl.

She loves so anytime, like there was one football there was one football game that you like had to we had to drive like a long way into the mountains to get too. When I was playing football in high school.

Was it when you played Reno?

It was when we would play Quincy, which was up by Reno.

Quincy.

And every time somebody who had never done Copenhagen before would decide to take his first dip on a windy mountain road. Yeah, and then there's nothing more hilarious than watching a sixteen year old guy who thinks he's pretty cool puking on control of player.

On our we used to go up to Point Arena. You didn't never play Point Arena, did you know. So they were right on the coast, so we would go up the coastline and it was you were in you know, a school bus just going like this on like on coastal roads for literally two and a half hours.

And I'll never forget.

It was when Walkman's Very First came out and we were listening, listening to Eddie Murphy Delirious.

We had me and my friend Patty on he had.

Split phone things, were each holding one and I look over and Jenny Bodenhagen is running up the aisle and her like perfectly manicured for your nails. There's barf just pouring from hands. It was was it a visual that is like in my mind.

Like a picture, and that was whiney road based, not too She wasn't chawn.

Oh sorry, No, this was just wad. I mean, it's just a bus bar story.

Windy roads are bad enough.

Yeah. I've always had a high, uh high tolerance for tobacco products. Yeah, because I grew up, you know, in Montana and there's a lot of organic tobacco industry. You know, when you get lost in a sentence, and I knew you guys got real quiet anticipating something great.

From We just hope that survivors would make it out.

But wait, you're just saying a bunch of people used tobacco products.

Not and I, as a young kid, was peer pressured into doing a snuff which goes up your nose, like yeah, okay, snooze or snoop, I can't remember. But that didn't make nothing made me sick.

You loved it all.

Just a third malt liquor forty that would maybe give me, give me a bound up.

Did you ever drink Mickey's big Mouth?

Sure? Well, the big mouths came later. Oh nah, it's okay. Anything you've done in life is geared around you and what you want.

But he was steering right at me.

Yeah, but he had that look on his face like he didn't care.

It was very strange.

Let's look at him there you Oh oh, he's so interested in the Nicky Romero billboard.

I love billboards for DJs who are going to be in Las Vegas. Yes, oh my god, you guys.

The city is built on them.

Let's let's take a three day weekend. It was cause rock and roll. This Danish guy is gonna be deciding what forty five seconds of songs will hear.

So that is who they are. They yes, every time, it's and it's just a dude's name. It's never like DJ scribbles.

It's usually Roman numerals arranged in some strange way, and the guy always looks like someone that like if you ran into him and nord Strums you would be uncomfortable. But it's like that guy standing on a billboard. That's what's hilarious. It's like the shoe guy in nord Strum's got a gig where he gets to take his ponytail down.

I mean that makes looking at it that way, it makes me happy for it that like, like DJ's really are people who just managed to win some sort of lottery and like without a real skill.

I agree, and then people get angry with me because of the world of hip hop being based on, you know, talented DJ sampling. I'm not taking away from that. But when it's a club DJ, it was literally pushing play on his laptop and it's a laptop. There aren't even turntables.

Hey, he has to decide how many bpms this room is.

Going to be and it's it's hard. It's hard depending on how high octane or ultra the room is. You gotta know your BPM.

I mean, here's the thing.

You can't drop the beat at the wrong time. You have to. It has to build with so much of it and then boom right, and.

Then you're talking specifically about dubbed step.

I think we're talking about working at Chipotle.

Let me just say drop those bits. I love and appreciate the DJs and everything that they do, Okay, and also the big list of hot gay guys that that one DJ has in Los Angeles, which is important because there's this one DJ and he has like a big list of who the hot gay guys are, and then you they get invited to things and.

They just show up.

It was just his personal list. Yes to kind of go over every.

Once in a while and you get to be near them or he's got to keep that list.

You get to you in five minutes with each one at every gig.

It's not like speed dating. It's just it's wonderful and all of them are at Pride just having a good time and.

I'm here listen. You said yes.

Also, I would like to dedicate this podcast appearance to Glenn Weldon from pop Culture Happy Hour on NPRY when he said that he liked this podcast, he specifically referenced mine and two other episodes as good ones.

So that was a really that was a big moment for Do you Need a Ride? And I thank you guys for making that happen.

It was I mean, because you guys needed somebody to really push the quality of the show up to the next level.

I mean, I was trying to do something with KPCC, which is the which is you.

Know, it's public radio, and they do Delila.

Have you considered doing more pledge breaks during the course of do.

I get political on here and make some civic changes?

Also talk about California water policy. It's rough.

I mean, they're closing down golf courses.

It splits a room to talk about local politics, and I'll start with golf courses. I'm torn in the middle of my own self because.

I enjoy seem like one of those guys who would like golf, oh love.

I used to golf as a young person, but I do not. I do not agree with golf course.

One of my most the moments on Entourage that would bother me most was when they were hitting golf balls around, because I was like, at least be sexy douchebags. You know, just gets to be douchebags.

Right, I'm so excited for that movie though. I'm sorry. I just have to say that.

I'm seeing it tomorrow. You are, Yes, the other hosts of my podcast Pop Rocket on Maximum Fun listeners supported Maximum Fun.

We're supporting Pop Rocket.

You haven't. We don't normally have guests. Sometimes we have guest hosts, and I have suggested you as a guest host.

And people said, no, Risk can't.

We just haven't had enough time or space. Chris can't because there are no straight white guys on on Pop.

Rockets a guarantee really Pop Rocket.

Well, I mean sometimes we've had the straightest.

I mean there are people I can I can hang. I just talked about being a chapter and I went to Chappie.

You went to Chappie and felt very comfortable. Chris, I just want to say, your watch is so big.

Thank you. And guys, I'm not even wearing a watch. We all know what goes. I know it's cut to me.

Where it looks like a Japanese automobile's engine.

It's very yeah, very uh. It's a polished metal. It's heavy. I have the small arm and I have a big arm for reasons I won't go into, but I rarely use my left arm. It's shrinking day by day. It's shrinking as the other one exponentially is growing, and so I thought getting a bigger.

Watch day by day. Do you guys ever just do a jazz standard during the Battle of Daay?

Now? Can I be on the podcast?

Did he?

Did?

He prove himself yet?

No?

But day for the sake of being on a podcast, you would be like, I'm not that straight like podcast?

Please please?

That's why I left Pride Celebration podcasts.

They really are the we are. They're the next wave of entertainment and we're just getting in there, locking in our places in the ground floor.

Do you guys want to hear about the time I made out with a guy? Yes, okay, it's it's not I mean, it's not whatever. It's I'm not.

It's not safe for work.

It is.

No. I was all mail production, as you like it.

I we were I was young and where there was girls involved, and they said will uh they were friends. We were all friends. But they said we'll take our shirts off. And I wonder if I had even seen a girl there's shirt off at this point, But anyway, they said, we'll take our shirts off if you guys make out and I was like, of course, but he was very reluctant. He was like, I do not want to do that. No way. He was a drummer and and uh he just was too cool and come on

You think that'd be something you would get in place before.

You, Yeah, like a contract or something. Yes, well I wasn't thinking.

I did you feel any warmth or tension or excitements?

Uh, you know I felt that with when I was kissing girls at that point too. It was all very scary to me, and uh, you know it felt Yeah, it was no big I'd been in acting classes. I kissed a man with braces once. That was the only nervousness is a brace's things were very had hooks on them and a lot of rubber bands.

I feel like when you kiss girls there's a lot of like sweetness and gentleness that I've find time wasting. And when you kiss a guy, it's like, how can we make our mouths being near each other as much as possible? Like antal fucking? And I like that is that I don't remember.

I remember my not being that aggressive. It was that I'm not making a joke. But he that person, he's a friend, and he passed away, and related, I think unrelated. The only man, the only man I've ever kissed, has died, so I did.

He broke his heart that day.

It was years later, and I'm not making light. People that know me and know him will be mad at me if they think I'm joking.

Thumbs are cursed.

I got demon gums. I'm like the gums from Game of Thrones or something.

Game of Thrones finaleous tonight.

Maybe the girl, maybe just her feet were getting burned. Maybe I'm sorry, that's a I don't like that. She's such a sweet little girl. Man, When that guy she taught how to read gets, he's gonna twist everyone's heads off like soft bread. He will lose it.

You haven't either, you, Chris. You have not read the books? Right? No?

I have not.

We're just so going so far off the rails from what we know from the books. It's crazy and it makes me upset every time, but I'm starting to enjoy it.

Are the books worth the read?

Uh? Yeah, they're good, but only if you like nerd books, where like they're really complex, and I like a nice complex book.

Complex and like what there's math problems and the columns on the side.

Essentially, Yes, people.

Were getting very upset a couple different times, I think with the books not being true of the show because of in the show they just have people getting raped, and maybe in the books it was more consensual. Does that? Yes, you know what I'm talking That happened.

It was that one time when Circe and and Jamie had sex and the great scept of Baylor.

Yes see they why did they make Jamie such a He's like a nice guy, now he was evilist gave us the first guy to push a kid out a window.

Yes, great, it was, but that happens in the book too. Look. Game of Thrones is entirely about constantly having your central perspective chopped away and then having to queer your perspective on things. You start out thinking, oh, oh, ned Stark, he's a good guy. He's gonna be the one to

I want more to happen with the place that Anya Stark is in because I don't understand what it is or what's happening. But I'm just kind of trying to be like, maybe I'll just get it eventually if I just keep my eyes where.

She's learning to be a face changing assassin in Bravos.

Yes, so is it face changing for real?

Okay? The thing is is in the books, she like on this little mission she's on where she's like selling fish and stuff, she literally they pull off her face and put somebody else's face on. Oh my god, they haven't shown that she has somebody else's face.

But because people will be upset if they did that.

Girl, because you have because you because and also you have that actor, and you want to use that actor that we all already love.

Yeah, she's that girl's bad and she's that bad. I really like that.

Kid, Yeah she is. It's a great character too. The whole time that she was running around with with the hound in the books, I was like, Oh, I'm so worried for I'm so worried for it. And then I was like, oh no, Aria Stark would love this. Aria Stark is not having to be a nice, polite lady. She's off with the hound killing folks.

I know the hound in real life.

She dealt with him coldly. I know the guy who got his head crushed in real life, Pedro.

Oh really, he's awesome.

Mine is Rory McCann. Who is it McCann, Yes, Mary McCann. He was in the book group with me. Oh, he was the guy in the wheelchair in the book group.

Karen that you don't enter every door, saying back when I was starring on a British sitcom, it just kills me.

It's you know what, It's just how I play it.

How Come I don't just bad that I don't know about you's going on.

I don't tell anybody anything.

You don't tell me anything. I'd like a copy of that BBC whichever number network it is. I'm sure it's BBC. It was Channel four one through.

Five, BBC one.

Wow. You and Rob Delaney, Yeah, British and Titanas.

When I was in Canada, they ran a promo for his TV show. It was exciting did.

It look good?

I couldn't really tell. I was in another room. I was just excited that someone I knew was on television.

That woman he's doing it with, Sharon Horgan, is so funny.

She's nice too on the Twitter.

Yeah, she's great.

Good for her.

Her TV shows that she's made already are amazing and hilarious.

So I bet it's really good.

I gotta get into the stuff.

Chris Fairbanks, what do you like most about summer and las Ane?

Oh?

Thank you? I like where, uh you know what? I live by the beach and uh do yeah?

Where do you live?

I live with Nate Craig.

Oh that's why it took you two hours to get here?

Yeah, fuck you. I know, but I like waking up there, and I don't necessarily like being there. Oh no, I'll accept as fuck you and embrace it. And I just that now is the time of year where people are just walking past our house and they're carrying surfboards and it seems like a nineteen eighties like a movie you'd watch where La is in it and everyone's wearing hot pink and they're like, you know, friendly, and they stop in we give people during fourth July we do that.

But I've heard good things about your Fourth of July party.

It's fun. It's fun. You must be attending this year. If it's happening, I don't know.

I will be back in New York's weating. It's kind of when I first moved here, I assumed I would just get a place five beach because the beach is nice. And I lived in Los Angeles and my friend Laura like took me aside. I was like, no, guy, if there are two types of people in Los Angeles, they're beach people and there are hills people. You were not beach people.

Yeah, and it, And honestly, I think it's been pretty damaging to my entire comedy career because I stay home a lot, and it's I try to get out like I've been doing stand up every night. It's just me driving a lot. And I accept that I have to be driving a lot. But man, if you're gonna live here, go be by the ocean. It seems crazy to be, you know, so close to it and never go to it. Yeah.

Well, then I love going to the beach. I'm not supposed to. Yes, I love it a lot. I think it's fun, like swim in the ocean. Yeah, I get brown yep. Karen, what do you like most about Los Angeles in the summertime?

You like summer, don't you.

Karen, I don't like summer.

I don't like I knew there was hesitation and it wasn't because you were shifting through all the reasons.

I yeah, No, I don't like heat. I get sunburned very easily. Melanoma is very prevalent in my family.

I sweat.

I need to wear a primer foundation to kind of plug up my pores from Williams. If you yeah, I've slapped some of that before I leave the house. So if you like layer up and then you sweat, you just look like a crazy old lady. Like it just doesn't work for me.

You don't like being shiny and hot?

Yeah, yeah, it just doesn't my thing. I like fog, I like sweaters, I like uh.

But La doesn't do any of those things particularly, well, what fo.

Fog or sweaters?

Yeah, any season or anything.

No, it's I'm here against my will one.

As am I. It's depressing to not know when time is passing because there is no benchmar It's wonderful.

That's what Starbucks is for sucks. Oh, that's terrific.

Your calendar is Natalie Merchant CDs.

We're driving past Kitten, where celebrities sell their swimwear line, and I love Kitten because nobody ever shops there except for people from out of town.

Paris Hilton used to shop there. Yeah, she exists anymore? She did, she disappeared, We had her.

I mean, the wonderful thing is everyone who wants to bitch about the Kardashians can just be like, look, when we stopped needing Paris Hilton, we just got.

Rid of her.

We could wish her, we could wish the Kardashians away so easily, and well.

It's kind of happening, isn't it.

Well, I feel like Caitlin has fundamentally like changed the narrative. How much can you pay attention to all of these frivolous people being frivolous and arguing about like, oh, Kim works too hard promoting Midori when it's like, I spent the past sixty years on a terrible, horrible journey that's gotten me to this point, and now I wear flowy, loose fabrics and it's all I ever wanted in this world. It's wonderful.

I went to an event that was so confusing. It was some USA basketball, the basketball team and in conjunction with the new jeep Cherokee, and that was the event. I don't know what they're promoting, the jeep or the basketball, but it's those two things together. Common was rapping and when I arrived the DJ's desk, I guess we'll call it this turntable podium. And the ones and twos were

Yeah, well and was Usher just comments usher was went to the House of Commons and was knighted.

Uh Kim kardash. She went, she got her envelope, She took some pictures with some random people. Someone nodded at her and she's like, am I good? And then she left. She was specifically paid to just show.

Up and yeah, probably yeah, and it was.

Uh and uh. I stared at her butt.

It was pretty big, right, it was a big butt.

Yeah, Karen, Have you ever gone to Grassias Madre?

Grassius Madre, Thank you brother Crossies.

Madre is the weird is the weird cultish vegan Mexican place on Melrose around here, And it's the sceniest and the food is actually really good and we need to go. But it's also now entirely populated by DJs. Like everyone in there is a DJ wow and sort of wonderful like Billboard level. I don't know, I probably not know. I mean, this is just they just have the tattoos that indicates to a thinking Angelina that they are DJs.

Which is of course Roman numerals yes yes emblazoned on the forearm vertically.

My name is three thoty two.

It just seems like while you're at home learning to play guitar or painting or or just writing jokes, the girl you admire is off with a DJ somewhere.

Yeah, they just have wealthy parents. Yeah, well wealthy parents. Also. Sometimes people with wealthy, wealthy parents or who are very attractive try to do stand up and it's like you're doing this wrong.

Yeah, the money. Money can't buy it.

Money can't buy it.

I think most of the people we know of rich.

Parents, You guys know, that's crazy.

Otherwise they have to go back home or they're on the road or working somewhere. Most of the people we see at night doing comedy, something is supporting it.

Do you think any of them had an invention that's still pays.

Oh yeah, you know that somebody built a better shower, Curt.

Oh, it's just this dessert called dumb cakes. You basically just pour a coke into some I've made so much money.

Don't tell anyone who isn't.

Really Kathy, she's a dumb cake.

I'm the dumb cake, Arris. That's why I'm here on Long Island this summer, and that's.

What that's what supports it's my comedy coreer.

Just this one simple dessert has allowed me to bring you all this comedy.

How many hours in a lab did they just spend before isolating the dump cake?

Could someone explain to me the dumb cake process?

Okay, the dumb cake process is clearly spelled out in it's infomercial. So one night at three am, when you have insomnia about your troubles, this is something if you turned on the TV.

Right, Chris Fairbanks, what do you think you put into a cake Banks to turn it from a cake mix into a cake? Well?

I don't have time to make cake late at night, but if only there was a way to make cake more quick.

But Chris, what do you think that you need to put into cake?

I don't know. I guess flour, sugar, eggs.

And Okay, a cake mix is already flour and sugar, but it's like eggs and oil and milk. That's your presumption. That's your presumption. But why don't you challenge your own thinking and ask yourself? What if I just poured a.

Coke into What if I poured a coke into some Betty Crocker cake mix, stirred it around, threw it into the oven, took it out, and then dump more ship on top of it.

What if all I have is RC cola.

Oh well that'll work.

Oh wow, that's the Southern kiss.

My grandpa brand, my grandpa brand and laugh at that. Sorry, my grandpa Brandon would only call it roll crown cola crown crowd.

He pronounced it in full.

It sounds like he turned them into one syllable where it's anyway.

Has anyone in this car ever been to Cedar Sinai Hospital, which is on our right.

Yes, I had a camera put in my penis hole there guy, guy still there. Yes, it's it's got its own reality show.

No, I just read popular stories about celebrities having their children here.

Yeah. I got sent there when I had my seizures in the nineties and they immediately they found out I had no insurance and immediately said thank you, you can head on down to Torrance, California. Wow, medical problems to where the poors go at Harbert County Medical.

I like the idea of that. Cedars you have to read for healthcare like you can't if you're if you're with a big enough agency, you get the chance to go in and read yeah, and then there are callbacks and then you get a doctor.

Just good luck with.

All of it, Karen. I don't want to, I mean rub it in, but I was uninsured when I got my penis camera.

Installed and they still installed it.

Yeah, yeah, Chris. Chris actually made four hundred dollars for doing that. That applied to some dental work. Why are all.

These people in here? These are just some guys at golf.

With It's a whole new kind of fetish porn where the camera goes into the penis.

Mm hmm, so terrifying.

I just stole a joke from one of my dad's old cartoon strips. It was a lady at a guynecologist and she said, who are these other men? And they have clipboards and clipboards and he just says, Oh, these are just some guys I call for.

And in that you're you're making light of the sexual objectification and lack of power that women have over their own sexual alb.

I brought the power back by making it about my penis camp.

I know, but I'm just saying that your dad's little cartoon from I'm Going to Go in nineteen eighty one.

It was the sixties. Man it was a better time. Man.

It's deeply regressive, and I think that that piece of paper needs to apologize to all of us.

My dad on he's he's a feminist through and through. I think at that point he hadn't raised a daughter, and he'd be the first to apologize for his reckless, reckless funny. It was a reckless cartoon.

Who are you to say in this car what is or is not bad for women? She is the picture you have.

Hilarious. I'm remembering the drawing now. Yeah, they look like they all look kind of sinister. And then and she was very much in a compromising position.

As I recall this is maybe she has a abnormal cells, maybe she has abnormal selves that they needed.

To do it with your chest, just doing a light scrape. Those men from the golf course are interested.

Yeah, they that would work. Yeah, I wish the comic strip had been longer. Now more plot, dad, Yeah, it was a comic strip called Shrink, and there was a shrink involved a psychiatrist.

Yes, I really liked bloom County as a chap That was my favorite country.

That's got that penguin right.

Ye.

I thought I was so smart because I like bloom County.

It taught me the name of people in the cabinet, but was less full of itself than Dunsbury.

It actually was entertaining, as opposed to do are.

You guys a big Mallard Fillmore fans? I mean talk politics.

I feel like I'm a classic Marmadudist.

Well, there's nothing or anti woman than Dad would Bumpstead or no, Andy Ka. I can't still mad at him. I know, I always confuse him.

They both Andy Capp was terrible to his wife awful.

Yeah, it's abusive, and they take a face for a nap on the couch.

I found that taste.

She did beat him with the rolling pins. I feel like it was they.

Were let's be fair. She simply chased him out with the rolling pin. We never saw any rolling pin contact. I like those rich people that laughed, Yeah, and she's laughing maybe because it's all just fun fun.

Have a story. I have a story That year I was walking. There used to be a comedy show up at that restaurant, and I was walking from that to that one open mic that was at that Falafel place down on Melrose, and I was walking and then I saw two very well dressed old ladies coming at me. And then they got closer and I realized that it was the Ulsen twins. Like Ashley was just sort of

Oh is she the more dominant?

Yes? Oh, okay, I mean in any twin situation, there's one who like stole, stole nutrients from the other, you know.

Yeah, because the umbilical cord at one point forked off, and one of them is gonna give less. And I'm speaking from my own nieces, they you know, is true. In fact, one was getting less nutrients because the cord. You know, it was like, well, we got to take them out now. And so one came out and she is more dominant, just taller and better dancer. But they're both the sweetest girls in the world.

The way we love to dominate, I mean, balance involves a lot of dancing, involves a lot of different skills. Balance, I already I killed my own I'm sorry, can we edit out?

Just do you think the Olsen twins were premature. I feel like they were because they were young and cute, but they could make them talk. You know, they put peanut butter in their mouth and they start talking.

That's everybody's birthway. Let's just go through it.

Nine.

I wasn't even ten.

Wow, that's what you know?

What? What's everybody's birthway?

Where you said it, like, let's fucking get down to it once. Can we just talk about what's important.

We've been dancing around this issue for too long.

What's your sign?

Guy?

I'm a scorpio, which means I'm very sexual.

Is that true? I think that's true. You're very handsy.

Yes, and with me.

I just tried to do your I went like that, like.

Hey, that's like bro handsiness.

Sorry, yeah, that's not sexual, that's I mean, there's just terms of endearment, and you know, they don't have to be sensual.

I watched like half of terms of It's hard as a kid.

It was not my favorite.

It's long.

It's a long one.

There's so many terms.

It's a long read.

That's agreement.

There's so many terms of endearment.

Honey, sweetheart, baby doll girl with you, It.

Wasn't I baby cakes with a booby Cocks.

Booby Cock. Have you guys been to booby Cocks? It's such ave.

No one knows who should show up at booby Cocks.

And that's why the party is so off.

That change, I've ruined your gay Pride. But don't you think right now you're about to transition into an evening.

Situation that's going to be.

It's going to reset, it's gonna write the book.

It's gonna be wonderful and delightful.

Rhythm is a dancer?

What were what were your goddamn treasure, Karen? What were you? What were your What was your favorite thing at Pride? What was your favorite thing in the parade?

Oh?

The well, the best thing at Pride was the fact that I was standing in the sun, baking alive with a smile.

On my face.

I already know you don't like that.

I really dislike it.

And we've all learned that guy brought me a pink parasol and I held it, carried it, and it's I was like, this is the this is success where I've been missing all my life. It was pretty great, and then someone fucking stole it out of Ryan's real Really, yeah, I put it down in the corner and someone took it.

What Karen, when's your birthday? When when were your first nine pounds? I'm gonna get you a big floppy hat.

I don't.

I don't have a hat. You'll wear it, you don't like it? My mom my resting hat face.

My mom is terrible, but she's always trying to get me to wear big floppy hats. Really, she's like the sun or and she's like, you just wear a big floppy hat. And it's like, you don't want me to be gay. You've made very clear that you don't want me to be gay, But why are you trying to make me be a fifty year old lady?

When you said the Olsen twins look like old ladies, I don't. It was a custom of their clothing style is actually free flowing well.

But also they were like such frail, brittle creatures.

Yeah yeah, and they carry purses that are that they're so big they can get in side of it.

Exactly. Neither of them was holding a coffee. If one of them had been holding a gigantic coffee, I think I might have plots.

Then you would have known.

Well, I'm glad you guys invited me I want to go to Pride Week.

Look, she's doing it happened, She's making it happen.

She's forcing me to watch her make it happen.

Is the most fun it does. People say that it's silly and stupid.

Who says that biggest.

Well, not just biggots. Look, let's stop fighting with biggots. We already know that bigots are wrong. Let's fight with people who are sensible enough on most things. A lot of gay guys are Yeah no, and we're not going to sweets. You're taking me down to.

We don't want to go straight ahead.

That's to hear loud. I think that you should have to drive through all of this and take me in.

I might have to roll down the window just to get some.

Uh don't yeel slurs, Chris, I that was only at that one show, and it was out of jealousy.

Mm hmmm whose show was was it?

What did you yell?

Remember? We went by the Virgil and John Oh, Yes, who I've grown to love. Hilarious.

Are we healing hurts that were happy? That happened last time I was on this podcast?

I feel like there's they cannot qualify as hurts if you get to talk about how somebody else makes you feel.

Oh look, that guy's pretending the wings are hiss some sounds of pride, the sad sights. Of course, we can't provide it's pride, the pride.

You can hear.

It's a ship show and they are cute people. Sometimes that goes very suns Almost everyone here needs sunscreen.

Oh am, I going to.

This is a mess. I'm sorry I got you into it. That's okay, it's okay, it's more podcasting time. Let's be fair.

Looks fun. I want to play. I never play outside anymore.

But but you're such a noted skateboarder.

Well, there was a.

Bunch and a bunch of shirtless muscle bears are just walking past that.

That was a hot group of men that just walked past.

They looked great.

That was a gaggle of power bottom.

You know, it wasn't. I don't know what you're talking about, and I'm going to need you to shut up. I know a little bit, I know, but you can't fucking identify a power bottom on sight. You were just throwing words around that don't neither.

There's certain muscle striations that only I don't know.

It was definitely a group of otters.

Uh, they were earlier than otters. I think I know that guy right there, but he's hot.

Regardless which one tank top, that does not indicate anything age college. Basically, right now, Santa Monica Boulevard has become a one big tank wow, horizontally striped nautical themed tank tops.

I don't think that I would be. I need to get to where I'm comfortable with my shirt off.

Well, it's hard.

I want to know what. You want to know how I got to that place, Chris, Chris, let me tell you a little something about having an appealing upper body. Just decide, just to decide.

It's a mental it's mental. It's a mental state.

Look, if I waited until I looked better to take my shirt off, I never would. So instead I just.

Be, okay, I'll do it. Let me out, I'm taking my shirt off.

Here and take your shirt off inside.

You know these people would scream and shout for you.

And there's a guy in a little pink speed out.

I have a speedo like that.

Oh my god, I can feel the base.

I wear it at the end of laundry and the like the sheer amount of when I'm when I'm wearing that speedo. I know it's because all my other underwear dirty.

Yeah, you're standing into that laundry mountin next to the Whole Foods and your speed out.

I wore that speedot. I interviewed the jackass guys and talked about how they had uh sexual undertones, and I wore its speedo and then we man pulled my speedo down and everyone saw my.

Haha prank. Yeah we not that you guys are dating. It was a fun prank.

If it's a fun prank, it was fun.

But I still have the speedo and it's just like that, guys, what I see. I wouldn't even be here. I'd be inside emailing or something. I need to go to things more, guys, let's get out.

I know we can't just leave the car.

Let's just leave the car.

So we have to park it. Okay, it can be a float. Let it just.

What was your favorite part of the parade?

Yo? I liked how I liked how I got more than one Chipotle gift card. Then I always like when it's all of the religions. But I had to go get Karen. I went to go get Karen. You're gonna make a left up here. Yes, I went to go get Karen and I missed the cast of Magic Mike Dancing.

Really, I have single handedly ruined your entire game.

Proctor, you elevated and made magnificent my pride. Well, I'm so glad that you can't.

This is just a break.

This is Savander Pump's restaurant.

We can't turn left here.

Oh are you sure?

Well?

Oh no, we can't flip it around. Yes, yes, oh god, oh goodness, Oh that's not good.

No, it's okay.

Through it took Chris and we need to look at how mostly that one Asian guy is where where? Right up there in front of us with.

The with the gradient tank top with the yeah sorry guys.

Roth Coo tank top.

He used to have a good upper body until we rolled over him.

Yes, oh that.

Guy is ready.

Oh the guy that was in the streets.

I like the kind of Juggalo elements that.

Also was a proud right. Are you guys gonna let me out of this podcast?

Yeah?

Yeah you yes, I'm just gonna get out here. You are really? Yeah?

The street? I love it?

Yes?

Well, do you have any friends around here?

I do? My friends are back at here loud.

Get there, yes, okay, just it's.

Not an ultra line.

It's a green light, all right up there?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry that I'm tending to It was very nice of you. I'm really happy like they didn't prove at the quality content that I did last time. There was a lot of emotional journey last time.

Well, do you want to just say one really deep and meaningful thing before you go? Yeah, and just think it, think about it for thirty seconds. Chris and I can fudget yeah to be sure to follow.

Guy follow, I pronounce it. And also this.

New album called Brandham Time.

It's called Guyle. It's available on iTunes. Also you should get Karen kill Garriffs Live at the Bootleg, also available on iTunes. And Chris, do you have an album?

I do? I do. It's called Fairbanks.

It's called Fairbanks.

And he has got a denim vest I used.

To be comfortable.

I honestly, I do not know if I have the capacity to truly love another human being, like give fully of myself in like a partnering kind of way. I can love people. I can love people a lot having true partnership with someone. I don't know if it's something that I can do. That can I ask?

That was deep and meaningful.

What do you think the thing is?

I honestly think that I just so deeply fear that if I am vulnerable with someone, I will be subject to their insanity and not have control over it, and that the only way I can protect myself is by pulling away.

In some way I can relate to that I can't.

All right, By bye, guys, Bye.

You've been listening to Do you Need a Ride?

D U? I N A R B.

Bye, Branda, Sorry, bye, Okay, that guy's mad