Ep. 52 - Patrick Keane Returns

I leave, then I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a Turnino and Gay.

We want to send you off inside.

You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared or was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen Kilgariff. We are in Burbank, California.

Burbank, California, the home of California. And Jay Leno. We've talked about that before. I hate to repeat myself, but.

It's good to remind people about Jay because they'll forget.

A lot of people forgot about Jay. Turning right, We have a guest this time?

Yes we do?

Yeah, last time we did. This time we do.

And I think because it's been so long, we got up to a rocky guest. Start right, Shall I tell that story briefly?

Oh?

Yeah, I drove to the edge of the country. Yes to go start this podcast and then Right as I was turning on Chris's street, he texted me and said, did you remember to bring the Zoom recorder, which is the only thing that makes this podcast possible. Thank you Zoom, one of our sponsors.

Yes, of course, they give us a lot every episode.

Yeah, so I forgot it. Had to drive back home. Chris picked up our guests, brought our guests to our home. Yep, and uh we had to start all over again on this fine Memorial Day weekend.

I'm sure it's for a reason or people use that phrase when they want to annoy me.

No, I can feel it. I can feel the reason. The Lord is with us in this journey.

When you put it out in the universe, you get it back in the unit in your death.

Our guest today is Patrick Kean.

Patrick Kean, Yes, thanks for having me, guys, thank you, friend of.

The show in the back seat the whole time, pretending it wasn't there. Have you heard any laughing? You probably thought my Honda was haunted.

But you probably didn't hear laughing. No, no chances are I did.

I did hear him last?

Well, it's just like las five different cities, you know, like New York's five boroughs LA's five cities. So to get around this town and to forget something or whatever, it's a day changer.

You can heartbreaking.

Yeah, only plan to do one thing per day. I like when people visit here and they're like, well, I'm gonna go to the airport, I'm gonna pick up my friend. Then I'm gonna watch it taping and the prices right, and then after that we're gonna hit the beach, you know, once the sun is at its midday peak.

Yeah. Oh yeah, doing all that.

Yeah, yeah, you're doing.

None of that.

You're doing one of that.

It's uh yeah, it's too it's too spread out.

Uber has changed. I think La more than any other city. I really think it's it's just made it a different place.

Well because you can go drink all you want now, yeah and get home safely.

Yes, it's mainly changed things for alcoholics.

Yeah, well the most important group.

I mean, they are the majority.

I would say it's funny when cab drivers get upset because it's like, you know, the people take over. We weren't taking cabs, so it's not like we took any business away, you know, we just there's just new business now created.

Yeah, because cabs were so shitty. Yeah, it was such a bad experience. Every time I'm glad they got their business taken away, I'll say it.

Yeah. No, it was a poor business.

I mean always they always said, oh my credit No I don't take credit cards.

Really, I see the machine right sticking out up there.

It was always for their convenience. Yeah, but it's a new era.

Yeah, they were always making up their own rules. They really had a lot of tude on most of the cab drivers I dealt with.

Oh that was cologne that you were smiling. Oh, yeah, it stinks just as bad.

T U d e Colonne the new cologne.

Now, we were all just in Bridgetown together, amazing hat What was your experience in bridge here?

It was unbelievable.

And I keep texting and I think I'm annoying, like uh Andy and Bronger and that whole crew that put it together Riley Newton, because I'm like, guys having the withdrawals. We're too out and I'm still having withdrawals.

Do you think that maybe they just think you're kissing a little ass.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know.

That's where I go with it.

Maybe, Yeah, or.

Is it you're a hairon autict.

Yes, that's too.

He's just reaching out for help, because it is if you're a comic that performs there, like as cool as things like Cochella R and all these cool things for civilians. Yeah, when you do something like Bridgetown and you're a part of it, that to me is a greater high than something that you know naturally you're part of it. Yes,

People you see in LA all the time.

Yeah, and in that way, it really is like having withdrawals. I because I I decided I wouldn't have a drink for a while and still haven't since Bridgetown. Did a little cleanse. My lower back hurt and I thought, well, I didn't do any heavy lifting. I realized it was my kidneys. Yeah, her physical sore from actual physical soreness in my guts. So I did a plans that extracts some of those toxins, or that's what the box says, and I feel great.

Yeah, it made a difference.

Oh, God, my movements. It's I've never you want to talk easy and I'm not just saying die. This isn't a big diarrhea diatribe.

Oh it is.

Smooth, solid, soft, I feel like a newborn baby diarrhea tribe.

I really thought when you said movements you meant your physical moving around.

Oh that too, I'm not honestly, everything feels good, My hip feels better.

Did you coin that? I think you just coined diarrhea tribe? Did you?

I think so.

I think you just started a diarrhea tribe.

It is so funny.

Did he's the head of Yeah, the food up there too, I mean those donuts and that pizza that'll run through you.

Yeah, that's half the battle.

It was that too. Yeah, it's really like, hey, guess what free food, But it's just food under the category of pizza.

Yeah.

And that last night I saw one of your sets, Karen at that upstairs theater.

That was great.

Oh thank you. Oh the Jacquolynovak show.

Yes, from New York. She's the New York I love her. She's fantastic.

She's so hilarious.

I never saw her.

She's kind of fascinating. She's really different and it's kind of that new It's like the Kate Berlant school of female comics that are kind of just doing what they want on stage and not really worrying about what like the rules are, what it's supposed to be like, and it's very cool. It's very fun to see.

I could sense that from her headshot, and I know that seems facetious.

Does she have a spudhet over her head?

She just seems like she didn't care before she got their photos taken.

Yeah, that's funny that she's also from the character of school.

I like that.

I like you that you don't care about the headshot. It's like, at this point, who I mean, are we taking headshots seriously?

Still?

Like, what will you do your headshot joke?

I'm asking, Oh, sure, sure, I got mine back recently from the photographer and uh, it looks like I'm going to be a writer.

Come on, come on, you guys.

I they gave me a pisaurus instead of the negatives.

Did you just tag it?

No, I've tagged it before.

That was an old tag. That was a and then I've got a couple more, but we'll call it.

How many times you tag it?

Oh?

Then I talked about do you remember MAVs Beacon the typing tutor. She was a she was a black woman character on this typing tutor. Uh that you'd have and it was just random. It was like aunt Jemima. It was really kind of I thought, Yeah, I thought so because it was like keep your fingers on the home keys, and it was like, okay, I don't know what. You would watch this and know you'd play it on your computer and a voice would come up and it was called MAVs becon Typing Tutor.

I have to say that appeals to me because I love it when black women help me, tell me what to do, or call me like sweetheart. There's nothing better to me.

In the world.

Yeah, and that would work on me too, because all I really wanted out of life is an older black woman's approval in any way.

Yeah, but maybe that's racist.

Yeah, I think it is.

Yeah.

I guess well, if you're getting it accepted by a black woman, you're that's huge because I think no other demographic is harder to overcome in this kind you know, as hard as it's been for women, as hard as it's been for black people. A black woman, I mean your window as small as an actress. Yes, and the discrimination and the.

Most importantly as in the acting.

Field bat to our world. Yes, regardless of you know, Harriet Tubman and all that would had to happen.

Yeah, you're right, So that is why it's racist. It's because I want their approval so I feel better, or it's.

That they're the most oppressed group is the one who is the most right to tell you to fuck off. So if they're not, it kind of might mean that you're great or at least acceptable, right, right, that's.

What I think.

Yeah, and let's not even get into Native American treatment of Native Americans.

Jesus could be started about what I think of those people. Wait, no, that's not the way you like them.

I'm very much in supportive that I know.

I know. I tried to make a joke.

No, it's really good.

When we were in Billings, Chris Uh, I shook a Native Americans hand to this guy, and I've never felt a stronger hand in like.

That would be crazy.

He was like he was a funny dude, and he was like doing jokes like old like truly tasteless jokes that were hilarious, And he shook my hand and it was so strong, I was afraid. I'm like, if he doesn't let go, like I'm screwed. No, he was just a dude. I think he might have been homeless maybe or just kind.

Of a free screw. Wouldn't let go?

Yeah, clam on, but they really are magical people. Hi, I'm white male from Orange County.

Had a sexual differ.

You way, you you've spent time in Montana. That's not your first brude with the spiritual.

I love it.

If you've if you've spent a summer up there in your life, then you know what majestic is.

Yeah, you've paid your dues at least.

Yeah, it's unreal.

Yeah, I grew up there luckily, so I have a clean slate. I always there was a newslady that said something horrible. It was a Fox clip, of course, and I believe she said something about the high how are you like the one of those jokes she like sang and it was a real even the person next to her cringed a little, and he was a silver haired white man. But then she said, it's okay, I can say that in part Native American. Okay, that's a real

Not by birth, but by transfusion.

Right right that very moment. Yeah, one sixteenth currently entering. Wow, is that that's maybe not a good There's a reason I'm not a sketch writer.

No, No, that's funny, though. I think I'd like to get some good blood from people.

You know.

Was that a dream?

Yeah? I just wish.

Like Ed O'Banion was a great basketball player at UCLA right around the time I was getting out of high school, and we both had knee surgeries around the same time.

ACL tears and I was hoping.

I was like, if you want to take some of his tendon and put it in my knee, that'd be great.

Was he in the same hospital.

No, we rehabbed it the same place, so it couldn't like we were post surgery, so what were they going to do? Go, Hey, we takes him out after all those staples are fresh.

Yes, some of them dangling out of a hole we left.

That might be a good TV show to right though, in a kind of night writery way where a guy, a regular guy, gets an athlete's muscles.

That's true, right, I supplanted in him.

Yeah, and then I guess fights sports.

Crime, any crime that falls outside of sports jurisdiction.

No, it has to be steroid or like in an arena.

Yeah, and it can be one arm something's going on here.

Sorry technical, but but but Portland's great because that city still flies below the radar, you know, it's like it's not been exhausted. Not that Seattle flies above the radar, but I feel like the nineties did amazing things for Seattle. Yeah, and like the show Portland, they joke that it's basically the nineties perpetually, and it really has that feel.

It really does have that feel. Yeah.

Well, also, people are just chill. They're not not as a like lifestyle choice. But that's just people are very low key, as it seems culturally like, it's not it's the opposite of la in that way. If there's not a lot of loud talkers, you're not going to get a lot of people that.

Are purposefully on the cell phone.

Yeah, they're more of a fleece vest group.

Yeah, comfort clothes. They're just comfortable. And that's I think part of the feeling of sadness when I leave there is knowing that if I live there, I'd probably be a happier person. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know there's places where i'd be happier. There's a bunch of cities.

But what would you do? That's what I always think.

I'd have to quit what I'm doing now or do it at a lesser level, which who wants to make that conscious decision?

Yeah, you've already been here and like had.

You know, I'm in too deep. I'm elbows deep.

You're in the your mid fight? Why stop exactly?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think most of us in this business, if you stepped out or took a job somewhere else, day one at that new job, you'd be like, oh, well, this is awful.

I was closer than I thought. Yeah, right, doing the other thing.

That was one thing my dad always warned me of, which is pretty specific and I think rare is you know, cheering me on saying you might have regrets because I know that. I don't think he has had regrets about not he was a radio guy, and I think that at one point he decided, Okay, I'm not going to do this. It makes more sense having a family to go back home and do this other job. But I know that, you know, he always warned me to like make sure to stick and follow my dreams because I

Yeah, because he's he's one of us. Really, he gets it of us.

Yeah, he gets it, he gets it.

Yeah.

Did you hear the I don't know if you listen to much Mark Marrin podcast, but Will Ferrell was on whose dad was a performer of some sort. Oh really, yeah, and his dad just told him when when Will was getting into this, his dad said, look, if it's not working after five years, or you're not having a good time,

Yeah, it takes twenty years. His Dad's like, no, no, you know.

There's no shame in quitting.

Yeah.

Well because when I, like when I started stand up, the idea I had in my head of when I was going to move to LA and what show business was like and what was going to happen, and all

I mean, you look in our field, I don't know, two of the top comedians of all time maybe worldwide as a matter of fact, of course worldwide, Rob Williams and Bill Cosby last year, you know, both had tough time. But but Robin of course was sick, right he found out he was sick, and and so and you know, and people he goes out to the next dimension and people love him still and forever.

But Bill Cosey's kind of going out a different way.

Did you see that statement he gave so weird? Oh my god, it was crazy. Did you see it?

I think I saw a clip of it where he was just in coherent almost yeah, and but speaking in a He's like, if a young person comes up to me, I'm gonna I I do not remember what he said.

It was just anything you would have said after that to make up what you thought he said was what he said. It was just utter bullshit. And I mean, like, do you remember any of it? Was one thing I said, he said something about the road being long, and then something else, such sideways or whatever. You're like, oh no, you don't the.

Road's long, and oh god, it was so nonsensical.

Yeah, it's like a politician like, oh my god, you're not answering this question about whatever, the war, they economy, almost whatever.

And then if and said something like I've been into his business for fifty six years, I've never seen anything like this. It's like, right, you're getting caught. That's what you haven't seen.

Actual How dare I get caught?

The repercussions of your hideous behavior. You haven't seen it. That's exactly right.

And I think what everyone has probably decided is that he never will get in trouble, right, that's just that he's old.

What he just lived too long. I mean, if he had he died ten years ago, maybe this doesn't come up.

I don't know.

Well, I don't, Yeah, what do they do? I mean, I don't I don't know.

Limitation, No, there's no statue limitations? Is there on child? Well, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't not for child molestation, but for rape there it's seven years. So there's a lot of these people that it's Yeah, isn't that crazy? For a lot of people, it's just they're saying it because someone else finally said it, so they were like, Okay, I'm not going to look like a lunatic. This is a real thing. But it's purely for.

That and even the most recent, the most recent one was seven more than seven years.

I don't know.

I think so it's crazy.

I mean that that the rich famous, I mean, he's good looking. I guess whatever in his prime, that's that, like, come on, no, just average I guess that that it was a pill because like date, rape can can be a gray area, like it can be if pills.

People are drunk. It's messy.

There can be some mistakes and regrets, but there's no uh. I mean when you go into the situation with a pill. Oh yeah, not a gray area, you know.

No, No, it's like yeah, yeah.

When you think you're in an audition and then you lose time and then you have vaginal damage, that's a whole. That's there's no gray area. Also, he did it to who's that gorgeous black model Carol Shit, what's her name? She was like one of the first Beverly Johnson, one of the first black Vogue covers.

Oh wow, I can trust her.

Wow.

Yeah.

But she got out, she like screamed, you son of a bitch and somehow got outside.

And you can't come out at that time. Because he's the top comic for twenty years or whatever, an America's dad. It's not like it's you know, Lenny Bruce or something that I dislike.

I mean, he's lucky he didn't do it to another comic because they would just be like, yeah, fuck, because I would do it because of that, Oh, your squeaky clean, successful reputation. I will love destroying that.

Yeah, except for that, I think for a lot of women, it feels like you won't destroy anything, you'll just become the slut.

In THEO and that probably probably is what would have happened.

Yeah.

I can't believe they didn't have him on the last letterman. I really think an oversight.

I mean, if they wanted ratings, which clearly they were doing it.

For ratings, he's probably stopped doing his tour, right.

Oh no, I think he's still on tour. There are people that go there intentionally to support him.

Oh wow, to.

Support like, I don't know man, and it shirt always says hello friend, and he's wearing sweatpants.

It's really weird.

Yeah, it's gross.

Did you guys see the last letterment? Yes, there's some great stuff.

I need to I need to.

And Kidler made the Yes. I was so happy real.

So yeah, that was so great at the like almost very end right during the last song montage, Well.

I did, to be honest, I only heard about that because my DVR shut off. Oh did I missed the last that last thing? Yeah, and I see part of it online, but I didn't see him.

He had the foo Fighters canceled years and fifteen years ago when he had his quadruple bypass, they canceled their tour of South America so they could be on Letterman to welcome him back.

Yeah isn't that cool?

And yeah, I mean they sang him off for the finale and Kidler was in that Kindler was great at Bridgetown as well.

Oh my god, did you see him dancing that night Friday.

Night, Thursday night? First night? I think I love to.

Like nineties era hip hop like TLC.

Yes, Oh he could, no one, no comment would stop.

Him, mostly as driven moves. Yeah, he wasn't stopping.

A lot of lips, a lot of duck lips. Oh, it was pretty powerful.

Yeah, a kid, he's a machine like.

Because he was performing with that band in one of the shows on stage. God, I don't know which night it was. I think it was the first night and he's like, what am I up here with Tom? I feel like Tom Jones. I'm just a little Jewish one of my Tom Jonesenberg and stupid, so ridiculous.

And he plays guitar. He was really good on guitar.

Oh, he's a great guitar player.

Oh wow, I didn't know that.

Yeah, huh, here we go.

Yeah, just to go back to the Letterman thing. I think that, uh, it will be a regret for me that I never I really always wanted to be on that show. I wanted to always make Letterman laugh. Yeah, at some point in my career. Yeah, And there was a little window there, like there is a year and a half where I was like, well, he has Montana people on like as a novelty. He has like Montana Week. Maybe that's a way to get I just ever followed up if I was like a hard worker, right.

Well, that's the one thing about l A. It's really easy not to follow up in any part.

Yeah.

Once you move here, you're like, isn't this the follow up? Like just put me on something.

Yeah, I'm here, you just do it for me.

I can't follow I'm working hard.

I mean I'm at home. I'm rocking back and forth.

Staring at my phone watching movies from the eighties.

What want.

Movies from the eighties.

One someone brought up to me this week about sixteen Candles, and they're like, you know, Anthony Michael Hall, our sweetheart did pull it, Bill Cosby and that girl, Jake Skill and it's like, oh, that's true, like America's Sweetheart.

But they were both they were both drunk.

Yeah, he was drunk and she was a villain. Was well.

He he didn't give her the pill though, right, she was just.

Spit it out or knocked it out. Wait, she knocked it out of his hand. But it was a pill. Was it a pill?

That birth That's what it was. He took it, she gave it to him, right.

Do you have any idea what that'll do to a guy? Exactly what we'll do to a girl my age.

The best movie ever.

It was so great, So you're you are willing to drop the chargers on Anthony Michael Hall now that you know it was birth control pill.

Well, and it was a movie. I think that's the best part about it because it was. It was not real.

Yeah, no church ender dog.

They ended up in a church parking lot the next day. She even said she enjoyed it.

She loved him.

Yeah, it was love. The best part was waking up in his arms.

Yeah, it's my favorite movie. Oh at the end when all those cars get out of the way and there's Jake Ryan, I think, yes.

He moved away like the god that he was.

It's like a Yankee style Amish carpenter.

Now he's like, Hollywood, I don't need it. I'm too beautiful for it.

All I needs these work chaps and a tall glass of lemonade in this hammer.

He was a good, stunning looking something.

He was a spec It.

Was the perfect perfect for like that high school the guy that you love that you don't think knows you exist like it was. And I was I think fourteen when that movie came.

Out, and it was easy as a kid for me to apply it to all the girls I liked it was. I was able. But it's the most relatable movie, yeah to me. And it was basically about it. So you know, if you haven't seen it as about sixteen year old girl who likes popular guy, but I related.

Yeah.

Maybe it's because of a lot of the clothes I was wearing back then. Okay, are you going? I was a bit of a farmer.

I can see you is that as a young kid as that character dancing around, it's a little skinny.

Ring on the dancing horses. I was listening to the echo and the bunny man.

And the just the one bunny.

Man echoing the bunny man. Yeah, just to terrifying me as a kid. The dreams are.

Well, it's just great casting by John Hughes, more great stuff.

Yeah.

I saw the trailer for that on Siskel and Ebert with my family. We're all watching TV. It's like seven o'clock and that clip of that movie came on and when it turned off, I was like ran to the television. And when I turned off, I turned to my mother and I was, you have to take me to that. You have to take me to that the day it comes.

Out, and she did, Oh, you had just seen the trailer.

Yeah, it was the field, everything that was going on. I was like, I gotta, I need to be there for this.

I think it was important to watch if you were not quite a high school aged person.

Yeah, fourteen is prime.

Yeah, something to look forward to.

The Jake was also in uh Vision Quest with Modine. He played his body with the mohawk.

Mohawk.

Yeah, and he was in a movie.

Called Let's Get Harry with one of the most unbelievable casts of all times, that which is it's Mark Harmon, Robert Duval, Gary Busey, Biff from Back to the Future, Glenn Frye from the Eagles, and Mark Mark Fry. Mark Harmon gets a Mark Harmon gets kidnap. He's a contractor down in Central America. And you know what those countries were doing to America in the eighties, sure, just violating us.

You couldn't take all our money. It was so sad for us.

Yeah, it was really rough.

And uh and he gets kidnapped by you know, basically Central Americans who have nothing. Uh And and they they're all Vietnam vets. I get well, some of Marley carry Busy and Duval and they go down to get Harry's name was Harry. And they gather up and go get them, and they try.

To bring them home. I'm not going to tell you what happens.

Do you think it's on Netflix?

It's uh, I don't know if it is.

It's it's from like nineteen it would have been early minute it Get Harry.

It's called Let's Get.

Hairy, Let's get hair, Yeah, which I'm sure there's another version where it's people that want body hair, Let's.

Get Let's be the most disgusting perversion. Let's just get really hairy.

Just holding your breath and pushing and their friend has a microscope.

Weird chemicals.

Let's get Harry.

Get hair suit.

But that's Jake. So other than those three movies, I don't know. And then you say Jake went to Pennsylvania or something.

Yeah, he became a car if he had stuck around Matt Dylan when I never worked again, he was like a better Matt Dylan.

Matt Dylan, Matt Dylan did fine. Did I ever tell the story of Matt Dylan coming into the Gap that I worked at in San Francisco, stumbled in drunk one day? Yeah, and it was like it was like my teenage dream come true. But I was like, stand up, Like it had been eight hours shift and I was folding sweaters at the dressing rooms and I look up and Matt Dylan walks in. I was just like how what, how

Oh my god, and he's.

Told are we had this really airhead manager, this guy named Colby, who was hilarious, and he told the Colby he goes, man, can you call me a Cowther's a guy following me up the street and called me had no idea it was Matt Dylan. He goes, oh, I totally have been there, as it happens to me all the time. I'm Dylan.

My sister worked at a place called music Land in the mall. It's like a regional chain, and Richard Marx came in and at the time, he was very valid and he was just shopping around and he bought whatever he bought, and my sister purposefully grabbed his album and said, you should buy this. I heard it's really great, liked him, and then he was like, uh huh, and.

Then uh so he's a fun guy.

He's as funny as he has talented. And then at the end, when he was like signing the credit card receipt, she said, go ahead and sign it on the dotted line, which neither of you probably realize. He is a lyric sign on the dead and he didn't. He didn't catch that either. Appointed She's like, you actually wrote that at one point because it wasn't a dotted line. That's why he should have known.

He's very small in real life, and most people are Yeah, you know, true, but I think that has something to do with his need to be taken seriously and not not having a good sense of humor.

Is that you're talking about Matt?

No, no, no, I oddly jumped to Richard.

Richard, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I'm sure Matt Dylan is a specimen.

Oh yeah, he's got I mean you saw him. How tall was he?

Well? I got super dizzy and kind of couldn't focus the second I realized it was him. But he's like, you know, I would put him between five eleven and six feet.

I know what i'd put him between. Yeah, what what's you're supposed to just inate?

What's our sponsor?

Doctor Evans?

I don't know who that is.

If you guys ever gotten to Brazilian, I did that not long ago, but you didn't. Yeah I did. But sure, it's not a perversion. It's just something I don't like to have hair, and so I thought i'd give it a shot. And it was there's no way that. I don't know why. It was so painful, but I was screaming. I almost quit halfway. I'm like, just do half of me. I don't care anymore of one side wax the other side ship.

I know it was painful.

It's fucking horrible.

It's the worst. It's Chris, did.

You do the front or just the back?

Well, I wanted it for the back.

I don't want, you know, the front you can trim.

I mean, it's so disgusting to me to ass hair. I just wanted rid of it. I don't want I don't want anyone to assume anything about me. I'm I'm really putting a nice self on the lip.

I like it.

I'm shocked, but it's fun.

I've gone, I've gone gone.

Oh sorry, the front, that's where it was, like, leave, I'll take care that. Yeah, to not have it, I'm not like, uh, you know this is for me. So this one's it hurts so bad and blood.

You bet sure? You and ingrin hairs, I'm sure.

Oh yeah.

The grow back grow back is not good.

Within a couple of weeks, I thought it would come back all wispy and lighter, like a like a Donald Trump come over. But it came back with yours. Yeah, just hair coming out sideway. It's like, fuck you for trying to get rid of me.

Yeah, like a drunken party guest. Oh god, the vengeance.

I've done it about four or five times myself, have you really? Yeah, wax between the cheek treatment, that's so great. And we can even tell you the place where I go.

That's what I'm That's what I didn't say. I asked for a Brazilian and apparently that doesn't mean between the cheeks.

No that, but because no that front, so hold you stay I stay away from that. Yeah, the hair removal because for what we have to go through is nothing compared to what women do with the It's more painful.

Oh but if you once you do it, like four or five times, then you just you lose all feelings. Oh you do, Yeah, it just becomes less Like the first time you do it, you can't believe what's happening, right, and then.

Yeah, water comes out, sweat, the sweat that explodes out your forehead.

Yeah, I couldn't believe how much I was sweating.

It's crazy.

So I need to not wait a couple of years for my second you know, I do it just as a treat. Yeah, but I need to keep going in you're saying, Karen, h.

Well, I mean because that's part of uh, like the ingrown hairs. There's all kinds of stuff that I think if you keep it up, it helps prevent that and it makes it a little bit easier.

Okay, and then eventually is it crazy to think that if you do it enough, you just you have less hair.

It depends I they say that, but I think it depends on the kind of like kind of hair you have. Like you're a very hairy person. I have a lot of head hair.

Oh my head, I don't. I mean, I mean, if you look at my legs, though it looks like I shaved them, I don't. I think it's a hormone issue. But I'm actually not that hairy.

So then maybe you would eventually it would lessen up. I don't know. They definitely say that with laser or treatment that.

It starts to do I start taking estrogen.

Yes, I think that your transition needs to come in about three years.

I'm so glad you said that word because I was dancing around the issue transition.

So it's a deeper it's not just terrimbile.

No, no, well it really is.

I just oh, this is okay. Oh.

The wax goes on and you're like, this is okay, okay, and then all of a sudden, you go from like warm, good wax in a sensitive area to sheer like horror.

And my lady was not warning me. I had to actually get her to say, hey, can you let me know when you're about to pull this surprise thing is not fun?

Uh.

They definitely are supposed to let you know. There's a whole system. There's a woman I went to with Berkeley for a while that was so awesome, just this Russian woman and she had this whole system where she'd go like one, huh like that, so you kind of like braced for it, Yeah, exactly, and you just kind of like it's for a while it stopped.

My woman was horrible at it. She was so she would not warn me, and then I asked her to and then she'd go, okay, I'll just can't down one, two, three, okay. And then it was back to just doing it, surprising me with it, like she would just count and then not do it on three. I'm like, we finally figured it out.

You probably should.

When I came home, I took some pictures in my bottle. I looked at them. I'm like, you, you left the hair exactly where it needed to be, not be I don't care about the front or the side. What a bikini line. I'm not gonna wear a speedo. Do you think I have a weightlifting contest? You left the hair exactly where it shouldn't be, only on my butt. She left a strip U wrecked, you know, spinker Muscache and I hated. I was like so mad, I went back.

Yeah, between the cheeks.

I'm supposed to know some language going into it.

Yeah, well they have.

The only reason I knew that was the place I went to had like under men's category, it had dairy air, and then it had between the cheeks, and then some places put between the cheeks within the dairy air.

Right, how about we approach this thing without using language from the nineteen twenties. Maybe then there'd be a.

Clarity, find it easier when he speaks in French about it.

I think that's that's what I'm just saying. What the website says.

Well, and I usually tip well because I'm like you, poor girl, you have to and it's usually a woman that's doing it, and I'm like you put whatever you're seeing down there.

Can't be pretty.

Oh, I know I have like a I've had. I had a scar. They had to cut me a new butthole once for surgery I had. I know that's still there. They said it would never heal. She never brought up my second butthole. I mean, I know this, it's getting into gross territory. Oh no, yeah, I've had a series of anal fissures and fistillas and just infection. So they went ahead and for a while I had a little

She never brought that.

No, is it common to This is something I don't tell anyone, And oftentimes during this podcast, I think I'm not talking to anyone, but I am telling you one.

Here's the thing. I think it's a beautiful, uh sharing moment because a lot of people have a lot of fucked up shit with their body in general, and so just to not care is great because people shouldn't. I mean, what's funny to me is the idea that guys would be waxing at all because I just feel like women don't. I feel like I would never wish that on anyone, having been through myself. It's not an expectation that I

It for yourself, but it feels like you feel like a newborn baby seal for a couple of days.

Oh it's great.

Yeah, yeah it is weird, it's yeah, well it's funny. They should whoever does waxing for men or whatever should keep track of all the like excuses that guys go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, totally uh.

Doing this for my my girl, like the what I open? And then now they don't even I'm sure they turn it off.

Yeah I told bicycling club.

Yeah, I told my lady it was for a role.

God forbid. It's just like, oh, I want to just feel better.

Oh an acting gigs? Well kind of. I mean it's they should.

Those excuses and then put them into a coffee table book with picture pictures of Chris's as on every page.

I guess I'm glad I've told everyone that.

Well, I don't think it's uncommon though, I've heard about that.

You have.

Yeah, okay, good, yeah, oh.

I was twenty four. It was a long time ago. I'm doing great now, everybody.

Yeah.

I couldn't afford this. It was an outpatient surgery, but still a lot of money. And it was in Austin, and so I drew a picture of the doctor. We traded. Everyone was willing in Austin, Texas to trade for art. It was great. I paid for so many my car before I moved to La. It was I drew a picture of groovy automotive and they framed it and I didn't have to pay for my radiator and stuff.

No way.

And this doctor wanted to be at a barbecue an illustration of him at a barbecue with rather than with a spatula and barbecue tools. It was like Colon working tools. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was yeah, well very much was. He showed me a picture of like a speculum and all this stuff, and he was sitting at a barbecue and I'm like, please say you don't want to meet on the grill to be like a colon or lower and test and he's like no, no, just steaks. And I'm like, so

Okay, regularly you're doctor doctor Hannibal Lecter.

He was.

He was a strange. He was actually a goofy guy. Like if Lecter was a little funnier. Yeah maybe yeah, elector more elector beer drinker than.

Well.

Body hair is a serious issue. And uh but but especially for women. I mean men can kind of get away with it and it's okay, and then women have to go and deal with this mess. If I have kids, I I would probably need to have them with an Asian woman or a Native American woman.

Here we go with then I'd still have regrets about my Native American comments.

We're getting back in.

There's a lot less body hair on those bodies.

I think it's the fact that I am indeed great grandfather. Apparently we didn't know until some people died and finally someone cracked a book that he's Silish scutinee. But I do think that is why I don't have I can only grow a mustache and a go tea. I am totally bald in the cheeks.

What's salishkutenee.

It's as a reservation, it's an area it's a small tribe.

Oh wow, I've never heard about that.

Yeah, yeah, they're small.

Well I uh, I just sent from uh Jojo the dog faced Boy. So I have nothing but hair for everyone all day long. It's never ending. My cousin Nancy has sideburns. It's insane being pale irish and then insanely Harry is. It's a cross I have to bear, not unlike the black women of this country. Why would I ever say.

That, because it's a callback something. Hey, if you're jumping in now and you're offended by some other things, that shame on you for not listening at the beginning.

You're the racist for not listening from the beginning.

Yeah, you know what's racist? Jumping into a pot gas halfway.

That's you're the biggest bigot.

Yeah, you're not willing to put in the time. Work harder, you're not smarter? Yeah, work harder, not smarter.

Oh, I love it.

No, it's it's I think it's all about intent. Yeah, and ignorance can get you a little ways.

Oh you're talking about Cosby again.

Yeah, we're back.

I came out when I was in Cincinnati. I came out to that music, The Cosby show music.

Yeah recently, like a month ago.

Oh my god.

Yeah, people did like because that's a clever The Go Bananas Club is a smaller club.

It's all right. I would feel free to Yeah, you can play. I'm glad that. Yeah, they don't have me back, But do they not know?

No one does.

No, No, that's all right, that's all right. Something BIG's about to hit here. I think it's this commercial I'm doing. People are going to see that on It is web only, but once people see how deep I go into this character.

Web's the only place people are really watching.

It really is, and the only thing they watch anymore is commercials.

Yeah, that's why I'm I surf the internet.

I'm going to turn it right here. Even they might seem too late. That guy on microphone sir, you can.

Yeah, that accountant rented a bike.

I'm sorry they're going to be so upset when everyone's so angry at me. I'm sorry.

Well, weekends, I mean.

People just think, oh I'm on foot. That means cars don't exist because I support the troops. That's what that guy was thinking.

Uh, but yeah it is. It is that body here is a tough issue, and we're back.

Well we haven't talked about. I mean, it's Memorial Day weekend. I'm wearing a hat right now that says USA back to back World War champs.

Oh ship you are? I just look right at me.

While driving a vehicle.

It's true.

I like to keep I like to think of it as a day for all troops that have done you know, that were led or misled.

Yeah, even Vietnamese Vietnam veterans.

Soldiers really get the short end of the stick.

I should wear this if I really want to make a statement, I'll wear this hat and then wear my Saigon City shirt, which really makes people upset because apparently, before it became the Hochiman Trail, it was Saigon City. And if you wear a shirt that says Saigon City, well, aren't you slapping it in the face to our American boys? But who that Some guy almost fought me when I wore that shirt.

But no, that has no concept. He's American beer.

Heres a lot of American beer.

These guys don't even know what they're getting angry about.

Yeah. I got punched in Tulsa, Oklahoma after a show for having a no war in Iraq sign on the back of it. Wasn't even my car, borrowed my ex girlfriend's car and she had the sign back there, and I was like, oh, can I borrow your card and drive to Tulsa. And this guy was even walking with me out to the parking lot saying, oh, I liked your comedy, and then he saw that sign and started just am I close?

Yeah, yeah, we're specific.

And he was getting into my face and then I made a comment like, well, that's the whole point here is you're a person that's willing to get angry about this and I'm not. That's you're the person. And then he uh pushed me with his fist. He didn't punch me. He placed his fist on my chin and pushed me with it, which was an interesting Yeah, it's more like something a gorilla would do to communicate. Sorry, I just saw don of the Rise of the Planning of the apes. The planning it's a new one.

It's a new one, the one where the plane.

It's the dawn of the planning planning.

Yeah.

They well, they choose to what they're getting excited about because there's no reason, no war in Iraq.

So you want people to live? What's your problem? Man? You don't want death. What's your problem?

Yeah, you support troops so much that you prefer they go die. I support them so much. I hope they don't come back.

That's not so much.

I support what they're doing. I don't know. They might seem like a dated argument.

Well to all troops everywhere. Yeah, veterans.

Oh yeah, that being said, I have plenty of veterans in my family.

Yeah, there money.

I'd like to see more of a go towards you know, people that return from those situations.

It's such a disgusting thing, like those those VA hospitals are all shitty and underfunded everything about. Like I saw one documentary about troops coming back from Iraq and it was so upsetting. It was just like there's no support, there's nothing for mental health, they get nothing. It's everything they have to like, they have to fight for everything. There's like, is it that really famous Via hospital in

Walter read or something.

Yeah, Walter read. It's it's insanity. But like you have all these people on the other end that are like support the troops and blah blah, blah. It's like, yeah, okay, well that means give money to like the Yellow Ribbon Foundation in all those places that like actually support real troops that have already served.

I did. I did support. I bought the sticker. I'm putting it on my SUV.

And I fought a guy in a parking lot. It doesn't count.

I uh yeah, it's it's no one thinks about like the I'm sure they all get a deal on a prosthetic limb. That's that's yeah. Then went about the therapy and exactly PTSD.

Well, there's a great scene.

Well what's John Foyd that last scene and coming home where he's telling the kids. You know, he's in a wheelchair from nom and he's telling the kids, man, don't do this, think about think about because there's a military guy there in recruiting. Yeah, and then John Floyd speaks after him and he's like, no, no, this is what happens.

Yeah. I don't know anyone in my family or otherwise that was in the military in or out of a war that would have ever approved of me joining the military. All I ever heard was from all of my elders was don't do that. Yeah, keep doing your silly art, fancied.

Right podcasts and whatnot. Fancy lad it go into your Bridgetown's schools.

We're back at your place.

I noticed that.

Yeah, I noticed that I used navigation.

It's been a pleasure.

It's been a pleasure having you back. You're one of our only second timers.

That's right.

Oh really? Oh huge, Yeah, that's fantastic. Thank you. I enjoyed both your comedy and both your company.

I enjoyed both of those things from each of you.

Patrick.

I enjoyed the level of transparency on this podcast. Yeah, it was incredibly impressive to me.

I mean, I think we peaked with the waxing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. Uh.

There's a place cocktail wax on los Cienaga. That's where I've gone a few times.

And then I did it once right across from Largo.

Yeah, that's where I wind. Yeah. Course, and they offer you a drink.

But I'm like, that's why I didn't read the menu. I didn't know about inside the cheeks because I was drinking a vodka cranberry.

So funny, that's I've refused to drink there every time because I'm too nervous. I'm like, I can't. I can't be so.

I wonder if she does a bad job on me but knows what to do with you. Why did Why is it it's been a.

Different girl each time they have a full staff, they.

Have a full staff, I'm the same woman torturing every single person, Like, yeah.

I did go back in, and she did between the cheeks free of charge.

Did okay?

Yeah, but I did during that.

So yeah, it's a good spot. I always think it's north of Melrose. I think it's south of Melrose. It is exactly south and got the parking lot in the back. Yeah, it's nice.

It's hard to fit down that narrow Yeah, you gotta be careful there.

If we ran into each other, that would be It would be really.

Fun to have a total girl's day shopping together.

I feel weird going alone.

I would yeah, because we can stare and let's just go together.

We'll be there. It'll be like we're memore. It will be like veterans because it is brutal, and we.

Won't we won't have to like say any silly excuses. We'll just go well, you know, and point at each other and they won't know, but they'll they that there does yeah, let me know when you're doing.

Okay, I think like couples of songs.

I'll give it another month.

A month, I'll go.

Oh yeah, they have a bed where we could look.

Up and see I was joking. I thought you guys were joking. Now you're making an actual day to get your asses waxed together. So I'm going to dip out. Probably I might walk home.

We're really far from going to leave. Okay, Well that's next time.

Yeah.

Yeah, they have anything to plug cocktail wax. I guess yeah, we haven't got that off our peer.

Yeah.

Yeah, well July fifteenth, it's just so far away.

I got my next gig, the pell Room in the comedy store upstairs.

Oh good, here in town then, yeah here, I'm okay all right.

So come check it out.

And is it just you?

Yeah, it's going to be kind of a variety type of show, so it'll be kind of some insanity.

That sounds great. Keep me out of it, yeah, absolutely, and I'll be I was going to be in Canada this weekend, but I had to cancel it. My apologies to the Comedy Cave, but got a better gig and eat it, eat my short. Yeah, I'm not going back there anyway.

I yelled at me, I'll talk to him.

Yeah, you talked to him. You talked to that guy.

But yeah, what's your what's your handle on Twitter?

Who me?

Yeah?

All the people know that it's Chris Fairbanks. At Chris Fairbanks.

Why what's yours past?

Oh?

Uh?

At Citizen Keane?

I like Citizen Kane.

It's pretty cool.

K e A n e ban Yeah, mine. I used to go O k e e any for years still the way I spell it on my phone. No, no offense, no, no, none taken Karen. What do you have for coming up? Pat?

Oh?

Uh No, I don't know. Not much Wednesday. I think I'm at the belly room Wednesday.

Nick Yusuf, Oh cool.

He is doing a show called like New Material or something.

Okay, well that sounds fun. Yeah, well you've been listening. Did you need a ride? D y n A r