Ep. 5 - Ian Karmel

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmano and gay.

We want to.

Send you off instead, you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris? Hello, welcome to Do you need a ride? My name's Chris Fairbanks.

I'm Karen Kilgarriff. Can I turn this off?

Yes?

You can, thank you. I thought you meant the recording device podcast.

I've had it.

Can I turn off this? Zoom four six? Okay, you're you're cough speaking? Okay, so far.

Off to a good start.

We are in the red.

We are occasionally, but I think it's looking good. We're on the two.

Is this the two freeway?

It's the two. It's four thirty in the morning.

It is for real. Yeah, this is a it's a weird time of day.

This is one of those times a day where I've told you I tend to question where my life is going. Sure, I don't know where the sun is, which makes me nervous, and I feel like I've made life choices that are wrong, kind of like being high. I feel like I'm high and a paranoid.

That makes sense. Now, if you watch the new.

Uh that new Cosmo show, I bet they'll tell you that when the sun is gone, it's just on the other side of the world. It's not It's not gone forever.

Wait.

That kind of throws everything off because from what I know, the sun dips into the ocean.

That's not correct.

It doesn't away, it doesn't away. But we need to introduce our guests before we get any further into our philosophical rambling.

Please jump in. We do you have a mic right right here?

Next?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, talk into it.

Stand up, Hello, radio, that's a little that's a little high at older.

Get let fix these levels on the two.

All down here, we're on the two. We're on the two.

We're listening to the voice of in Carmel. Hello, Hello, Ian. How are you I'm doing I'm doing all right.

I'm doing as well as one could be doing at four thirty am.

Yeah, what did you do last night? Ian?

I did a show at a country club in Brentwood, in all Jewish country club. Oh, and I too am Jewish, but they were. It was it was the worst. They were all like eighty years old.

Oh.

I saw your tweet about you talked about the Holocaust and.

I didn't like it.

I did.

I like, I went into like, I went into material. I'm like, there is some good Jewish material that I wrote about being Jewish.

Maybe they'll relate to that.

And then in the in the middle of the joke, I'm like, oh, this ends with a Holocaust reference.

Oh, you only realized it like halfway.

Through my choice of words.

But the train had already left, the station had at that point, and I was like, well, maybe maybe they'll think because it's not it's it's not like making one of the victims or anything like that.

It's making fun of me. And uh nope, still no way, no, not at all.

Nook you straight to Auschwitz.

It did directly.

It probably makes them so uncomfortable. It's the same thing that's making me just not want to talk right now. I feel like I can't even make a comment.

Oh does the does the Holocaust shut you down?

Yeah?

I usually get in the fetal position.

It's not it's not rich to meedic territory.

No, for a very few small group of people can joke about.

It, maybe one more generation and then it's and then it's open. Yeah, then it's just copyright wears off the you know, holaso.

Lucky children of the future that are going to get to reference one of the worst atrocities of all human kind.

I would say bergen Belsen jokes for everybody.

I wish it was already the future.

So yeah, so that's what I did last night, and then I terrible, Wait were you alone?

I was alone? I was alone.

I had to dry like the shows at eight, so I had to drive from Glendale to Brentwood, which.

Is far.

As far as you can go, as far as.

You can go without being in the ocean, and uh at like rush hour. So that led into me having to do that show so awkward. They were out of the salmon, which is what I wanted. So instead I had like kind of a very flavorless flank stake was.

That would you consider that your holocaust?

That was.

See, I see, once you get comfortable, you can also make jokes about it.

That's right. But we're pretending it's just the three of us in this car. But I can't tell you how many letters are going to get al.

The three of us and the Anti Defamation League.

Driving to the airport, we pick up my lawyer on my way to the airport.

Just a Jewish lawyer.

I helped, and we are We're now taking you to lax where you will then go where.

I'm flying up to Portland. Nowhere get where I'm from.

That's a city that you reside in or you now live in Los Angeles?

Now live in Los Angeles.

Yeah, I fly to Portland quite a bit. I'm going up to visit my girlfriend who still lives in Portland. Your girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, her name is Amber and she is a girl.

And my friend and my girlfriend.

That's great. It's important to have both of those in one person.

You need to have both. I mean, you can have either, but not for too long. I guess you could have the friend part friend.

Oh sorry, it's okay.

But one of the things that we like to provide to all of our guests is a constant, steady fear of the end of their life.

That honestly felt like I wasn't driving. I was just like, oh, I hope I'm going into.

That wall like Universal Studios.

Right, we need to get away from the wall somehow, launch right into an animatronic shark's mouth.

Now, how did you meet Amber?

We met?

We met last summer talking on for the first time, talking on Twitter. Cute, very cute, very kid's cute. She was and still is incredibly funny on Twitter. And then that led to us text messaging each other, and then that led to us meeting, and then we kind of dated all last summer, but it was tumultuous because we both knew I was moving to Los Angeles.

That's it was.

It led to all sorts of dramatic events and flare ups and then uh, and then I moved to LA and we stopped dating, and like I, each dated other people. And then about a month ago we uh, we kind of rekindled it and decided that we had ruined each other for other people, at least for the time being.

That's good.

That's a sign. That's a sign that you're meant to be together. When when you realize you're ruining other people's lives.

We had just by dating them because we each other weren't the other person.

It's four point thirty.

Like everyone everyone I dated in the meantime, I was like measuring up to her and it wasn't working out and she was going through the exact same thing. So we decided to try to make it work long distance for the time being until we could figure out.

A better situation.

That's term.

That's that's how you know you've found love. That's how you find love is when you acknowledge the wake of despair you've left behind you.

Seems like a gray lump of mashed potatoes. Compared to that one person, it seems like a neon sim when they walk in the room.

Well, speedboat that crashed through a dock, and everyone who's left in that pile.

Of flotsam and jetsam.

They they'll swim the short, they'll swim the short, But check out the sweet boat. It's a pretty good boat.

Are you doing anything else while you're there? Are you just having sex with your girlfriend? I feel like that's maybe the wrong Oh good, I'm glad you just kept talking Now.

At mc.

Mc n O R F I N And that was as a Nancy back there.

Mc Is that her last name? Uh, No, Nancy, it's.

Not no Amber.

It is Amber and then the mcnorphan thing I think is the name of a troll doll. Cool that you got some book that you just had lying around when you know, when people were picking Twitter names, it was like the second coming of people picking that first email address. Yes, totally, which was always an embarrassing thing. Yeah, so that's what she went with.

So that's not her given name. That's a Twitter chosen name.

Is a Twitter chosen name. Yes, they changed it at Ellis Island.

Of course, that's the only reason you go to You aren't.

Sorry, I'm gonna just blurt stuff out.

This is This is one of our more trancy episodes.

It just feels like nothing's real.

I know, right, That's what four point thirty am does. Yeah to me, Like when I woke up, I just feel like I'm moving, like like a slightly slower frame rate than reality.

But I also love it.

This reminds me why I love driving people to the airport. And I don't know if we've talked about this yet on the show, but my aunt Kathleen used to live right near the San Francisco airport All the time.

You had a big thing of shit. Am I doing this wrong?

I think we can keep going.

Yeah, anyway, my aunt Kathleen used to drive everybody to the airport. That was you would basically she was like the hub and you'd go to her house first and she'd like make you breakfast or whatever, and then she'd drive you to the airport. So it was kind of like every trip was a weird family function and it was I don't know. It always left me with just like good fun feelings. The idea that people would go to and from the airport by themselves dry makes me kind of sad.

That is aunt's nostalgic and sad.

Yep, that's a wonderful story and wonderful also, and it's.

A wonderful service.

It is it is sad and lonely go to the airport alone, especially if it's on the way to a gig. Yes, like at least now I'm going into like someone's like open arms, which is nice, yes, But when you're like when it's like four thirty am and you're driving yourself to the airport so you can fly to Kansas City.

And that was that was kind of our our mission statement with this podcast. It's to leave people with a with a feeling of you know that they're loved. Just a sort of security blanket, just that you can take to that whatever cold the hotel room or warm, depending on how they maintain the heat.

Cold, cold hotel rooms and hot microphones.

Isn't that That's what we shouldn't name this, it's we do.

So we want to send you off with you know you'll you'll be fine once you're in your girlfriend's arms. But in the meantime, while you're on the airplane, at least, can you.

Think only of you two?

Thank you, thank you.

We just want to promise a promise ring of some kind.

I can make that promise right now, and I'll begin fashioning the ring out of this pellegrine of camp.

Promise on the one ten new Harlequin serious.

Handing over the letterman jacket you're wearing will do just fine.

I'll bump that right off my shoulders and leave it right in there. Thank you.

Oh he left his band pin on it.

Promise on the one ten also almost sounds like one of those uh scream O bands that was around for a while.

Yeah, like taking back Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, saves the day.

Promise on the one I missed those bands. They'll be back o now have they gone anywhere. Maybe it's just me getting old and I'm not paying attention anymore.

I feel like we live in the right place to see them live. Even those original ones, I feel like they were all from in and around Los Angeles.

Shit, what what happened?

I think I missed the one O five overpass.

One thing about driving and podcasting, I found when I am the one behind the wheel, it's very hard to try and talk and then drive at the same time.

Yeah, I think we're.

Still I'm okay. I think so.

I'm going sixty US.

As long as we keep tailgating this diesel gas truck, I think we're gonna be fine.

I'm just gonna ride in his wake and we'll get better gas mileage.

We're drifting behind a diesel gas truck.

Just all Tokyo styles before we drop you off.

We should we should Tokyo drift the whole way to the airport.

That's idea.

That's that's the reason I installed this new parking break.

You guys should Tokyo drift me up to Portland. We don't even need to do this airplane for Yeah, it.

Would be so fun to go on a road trip.

Do you haven't been on one in forever.

Oh yeah, with a group of friends.

Yeah, i'll be fun, so fun to pick the right mixtape and then.

So imp until someone.

It is it is important on a road trip to get in a fight. I think we're driving far enough to the airport that we can fight during this trip.

Yeah, that we should.

I maintained that there are a couple of good Eagle songs and that's why I threw them on there.

I totally disagree.

No, I'm with you all that one.

This is our first road trip fight.

This is great. I love this to this bronze.

I prefer Don Henley's solo work.

Should I just skip over there and get arrested? Right?

I went and I saw the Eagles in concert earlier this year, not on purpose necessarily.

But kind of wandered in.

I well, there was.

Where I work, like my boss, Chelsea Handler.

H Chelsea Handler.

I've heard she's on television, Chelsea Handler.

Chelsea Handler.

Her manager also manages the Eagles. So the Eagles were doing like a series of concerts at the Forum where they reopened the Forum, and they were having like a big dinner and I got invited to that dinner. So we got to sit and eat like free ribs. All the Eagles did six songs and Joan Biez came out.

That's terrific.

A couple songs.

And in addition to that, James Stolen who owns Cablevision and the New York Knicks, and he's like this rich kid, like his dad was the person who he's a kid. He said, well, no, he's like in the sixties, but his dad was the person who's a good distinction. He's this rich old man, but his dad was the person who did all the work. He has a band because of course he does. And Joan Bias went up first, and then James Dolen in his band, and then the Eagles.

Yeah, he's a fool.

He's a fool. I can't believe. Like in his brain he was like, well this is okay to do. I'm better than Joan Biaz. I'm not the Eagles. I'm not you know, egotistical.

That's so crazy.

It was crazy.

Joan BIA's best of the whole night. But the Eagles life sounded exactly like they do coming out of your dad's radio.

Yeah, right, their album, perfect album Perfect.

Sorry the jesting so professional. This is a new zoom h six. I just dropped the uh. I don't know why. It's one of our sponsors. I guess is what I'm deciding. That's the only reason you mentioned brand names is.

That they're paid.

Yeah.

Yeah, well I gave them a little money. I guess that's not technically a sponsor.

You're sponsoring them, actually, yeah, in.

Slow little increments.

Somewhere in their lunch room. There's a picture of you.

The most valuable place.

I'd love to be on a plaque one day.

I've never had a real job.

Does you mean not on any plaques anywhere?

They sent When my album came out with Rooftop, they sent.

A little plaque. Oh yeah, yeah, that was nice. They mailed it to the house. The glass was shattered.

I replaced it, but it still meant a lot, still means a lot to this.

Day, Right to this day. How long ago was it.

Since my album came out?

I don't really want to evaluate how my career is going, but it's been a couple of years.

I guess I place to do it, you're going to do it.

I should have a new album.

I know one thing I was going to say about this podcast. Yeah, we keep talking about ways to get on the map. We all know that there's a thousand podcasts out there. I was thinking, what if we viciously gossip about people during the podcast?

Oh?

I love that, right, and it will be like a word amount did you hear what so and so said?

Will be one of us three?

Yes?

Right, just vicious of totally erroneous, incorrect gossip.

Oh, oh, I love that. Incorrect gossip.

Yeah, like someone's pregnant type of thing.

Well, I mean, I let you know, you guys know I live with Ronnes.

Oh shit, is he's pregnant. Let's say it.

Let's just say he's pregnant. He was when like he was still awake when I got up.

He's pregnant with possibility that he.

Is pregnant, with possibility. We have some pregnant pauses in that act.

I love Ron just so much.

I love his pauses. Yeah I did.

That's one thing I learned from like watching people like take Notataro, that you can use pauses.

As a as a firm.

You don't have to just continually talk like I've always.

Done your style, Chris.

It is hard to do. I guess that's my style.

I have to also continually talk.

I do too, especially at like an awkward Thanksgiving dinner.

Yo.

Yeah, just keep the ana the whole time.

Sometimes I'll try to sink into anonymity during a Thanksgiving dinner and it never works. Does this do you guys experience this? My whole family is very fascinated with the fact that I have an entertainment career at all, So whenever I come home, every meal is like built around them asking me questions about that just means they're proud of you. It's very nice. It's very nice, but it's

Start the podcast. He wants people to know about his life. Yes, to start a.

Podcast, he needs the airports.

It doesn't stand up long enough to know that.

Eventually they quit asking, really okay, and then you're just talking about the trucking company because we kind of run out of stories.

Right, They kind of get it right. They don't want to They don't want to hear about how far it was.

We already heard how Fargo was last year new eighteen wheelers the other the other son is just waking up from an app. It's my turn. Now.

That's a classic my sisters to always say, because my family's keep keep.

It up, sir.

Yeah, drive like a murder with the city.

Yeah, and I hope whatever utilities you're rushing to or in order.

Are on fire, they better be on fire.

He's got a meter to read.

I think I was am.

I no, No, you're you're driving perfectly.

My sister used to do the thing where people would come up to both of us, but then go, which one of you is the comedian?

Oh? No, And my sister used to always go, it's her.

I just shaped your sister Margaret show.

We had a wonderful melting pot of the family in San Francisco.

I'm sorry, interrupted, What would your sister say?

She would say, yes, No, she's the comedian.

I'm just the one that shapes young minds because she's a grammar school teacher.

Oh perfect.

You're very capable of shaping young minds yourself. It's just a matter of the uh where they see you.

Yeah.

I'd like to think that some really young kids are sneaking onto the internet to listen to my punk rock comedy.

You just got to get a lot of people are like, oh, I'm going to do some colleges this year, elementary schools.

That's that's the gigs.

I'm looking And you have to sneak it. They don't want you on their not with the language.

I'm gonna use.

You got a twenty one jump street. You into those grade.

Schools, the grammar school.

All that means is put on the right sunglasses and carry a gun.

That's right, and then no one will ask questions.

It worked for Channing Tatum.

It doesn't look almost thirty.

I love that movie, though, the goddam it. I laughed so hard.

Wonderful movie. I'm looking forward to the sequel.

I know me too.

I I we went to that movie to hate watch it because we thought it would be so stupid, right, and we were crying, laughing, like so surprised.

I think I had a similar experience, except I was already told it was terrific, so I was wired to not like it.

Oh yeah, so you had your arms crossed and you had to force them open.

Yeah, yeah, I was hackling it like one of the old men in the Muppets. YEP, I was also in a balcony that no one knew was that I was really distracting during I may have ruined the movie.

For other people. Oh, because I was like a puppet.

I was yelling in tum more like boring, hate him, what came out of your brain to somebody, to you? But it was just you. No, No, I saw that movie. I was on the road with old old Kyle Kanaane.

Oh he's so old.

I like old he is one hundred forty three years old.

I damn that guy.

I remember young Kyle Kanan.

I don't know much.

Let's try and forget the young one.

The young no beard Kyle kan No.

I like the bearded old Nanny's.

Become today, very sharp chin.

Yeah, we were on the road.

We watched it like outside of Boise, Idaho. I think like me him and Brian Cook Boise laying in a hotel bed together to watch Jump Straight, just giggling.

It's not a poking and tickling.

It's not a real road gig unless you're in a bed with a feature and the opener.

That's why people love comedy so much.

Charlie the Chocolate Factory style.

Yeah, just asked to ask and waiting for a walk of bar.

It was always obsessed with the grandparents all being in one bed.

Little It was like I had eight thousand questions that I couldn't ask about that.

I knew enough about my grand parents to watch that and just think, Man, it must be smelly under those sheets.

Oh.

I don't mean to be graphic, but old people, Am I right?

They get stinky.

Lots of olders, lots of owners that aren't available to us as younger, vibrant people.

Yeah.

Yeah, violet perfume. The powder.

There's a sense of smell like probably fades, so they think that's inappropriate to er perfume. Yeah, they don't know, grandma.

Just because your nose doesn't work anymore, mind does, and everybody else is stop wearing red door.

Guys.

We're almost at the airport. It's crazy.

It's crazy. You're going to be too early. They're going to look at you like you're crazy.

They'll send me home.

Oh, sul we wait outside for thirty minutes.

We should at least circle around.

Are you early? Well?

My flight's at seven, so I don't feel like i'm.

Too No, you're not. We're doing okay, We're doing okay.

I always get to the airport too early, though, and ended up sitting there and reading the magazine and I brought for the plane.

Yes, the Highlights magazine.

I can't recommend enough buying the worst book you can find at the Hudson newspaper stand, just.

With some ghost sex in it.

Yeah, a lady detective that's also a cowboy, I swear to God. My friend Sean Tadarachi found at a library book sale.

He's so funny on Twitter.

Yes, he's amazing, And he found a series of Harlequin novels that are based all around women being pregnant and getting pregnant. And this is one of the most upsetting. I was like, take those out of my house. It's the funniest, weirdest thing. One of them was called She's So Pregnant. Yeah, it's about like women that are pregnant that fall in love.

What was Raven Simone in it?

That's so pregnant, That's so pregnant.

That's oh god, I didn't watch enough. I just got pulled rank. Oh here we go, Lax airport.

No, it's sign is blue. That's different than the green.

I'm a I'm on virgin Virgin.

Oh.

That's sexy. Yeah, is that why you did it?

It's a night that's a nightclub airline.

Yeah, it's like walking into an iPod.

Oh that's perfect.

Do you I wonder if they still have this feature.

It's been a while since I had flown Virgin, since I's twenty one.

Actually, yeah, get it. That was a sex anyway.

I you for a while you could contact another seat just by and like text them.

I think you can still do that.

You should do that.

Has that ever not been awkward?

I can't.

I can't imagine it's ever not been used to harass.

Them some poor woman.

Yeah, exactly what it's built for. Yeah, harassing some poor Richard Branson. I'd like to be able.

To harass some pull a woman on the flight.

Yeah, Richard Branson was partying with Terry Richardson, like, hey, do you have any ideas for our airline?

Yes, text the seat in front of you and say, hey, do you need a pillow or the two that you brought with you?

Doing just fine? Something like that?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Good? Yeah, Yeah, I likes Yeah, I don't I don't know. Maybe, like if you if you're not sitting with the person who you came with, you know, and then like, no one around you is amenable to switching seats. Maybe then it's been used for something not creepy, but even then it's.

A situation that almost never happens.

Yeah, they put in an entire look.

Yeah, just say, are you sure you are prepared to help in case of an emergency?

Just send that to someone in the.

I've been I've been watching you and you don't look ready.

There was doubt in your voice and you said yes to.

The lady, and the fact that you've just been napping this whole time. I don't feel like when we land on the surface of the water, you're gonna take that door and throw it out sideways, open that door.

Giving you a five out of energy. Yes, but is it your fault for not bringing your own Yes, and what if.

We went around the airport in the loop one time? Yes, we don't immediately use you.

I just to feel like it went so fast, and I don't I don't want you to think it's for selfish reasons like oh man, we need more podcast time. No, it's so you aren't embarrassed being there because DSA is going to give.

You a look like, oh, why you're here? So early.

Yeah, that's right.

Maybe we should check your satchel more.

Yourndal, They'll say, I tie it from the step.

I do have a bendal. I do travel with a bendle. I learned that from old cow can. I It's just there's just a harmonica and a crumpled up picture of Sweetie.

God. I love the airport.

Airport sound right, sandwich is just so people know it's real. Let's get some airpoints. Sound airpoint?

Airpoints.

You guys like being at the airpoint.

Do a cute voice because we're at the airport.

Oh the cops, Oh the cops. That's the exact voice I did when I said airpoint. Okay, perfect.

Now here's let's talk just very briefly about how this whole thing came about, which I love because this episode was made.

Uh was it made possible at.

My grant from the Joney found because he's the one that suggested me.

Pick you up?

He did a big, big thank you to Jane. Oh we need to make that more NPR. Oh yeah, yes, thank you to our sponsored Joana.

Made this made this podcast possible. And a grant from the Catherine D. John T.

Now, if you if you call in right now, you'll get a DVD of the Rolling Stones playing with the Beatles, very drug heavy concert.

You're asleep.

Everyone laid down now and drink the kool aid. That's what I always say. That's my that's my impression.

I've never coaxed you into doing something over.

The radio waves.

Come on, come on, your parents are holding you back.

What are you doing with yourself right now?

Imagine how much money you'd get if they were dead.

So they owned that house and you could own that house.

You could sell it, or you.

Could live in it, sell it.

Think of all the options. Grab the pillow and place it over their old faces.

Oh that's terrible.

The best of our life is in the rear view.

Man, you're doing them a favor of Next your.

Father's back hurts so bad, it's not getting better.

And we're going back through the airport.

Return airport would turn I think I got We lulled ourselves to sleep.

For that day.

Tired.

It's funny because it really does feel like we're podcasting at well now five twenty four in the morning.

Can we really did it?

Though it isn't five twenty four. That's wrong. I didn't want to, but.

It's like five ten probably.

Okay, we're doing one of those things where I pretend, Oh sure, I pretend that setting my clocket fifteen minutes helps me not always be twenty.

It's funny.

You look at you're like, oh god, I'm late, and then yeah you're okay, okay, okay, it's not It's don't really that far. Ae.

Yeah, it makes me do math.

Yeah, I'm just constantly minusing fifteen when I sit in my car.

It's so good.

I don't understand how that works for so good at it.

I immediately wake up and go, oh yeah, it's five minutes fast, and I can say it doesn't.

I think you can sleep another five minutes.

Yeah, yeah, I don't trick myself that way. It doesn't work for me.

You're too smart, You're a little magic in your heart.

Maybe I should maybe i'm missing the match. Yeah, yeah, you know what I need to open my heart to more magic?

Yeah, absolutely magic Johnson, Chris Angel, Chris Angel.

Magic shell. You could probably have a lot more of that in your life.

Yeah I probably should. Yeah, yeah that I just I now remember what it is.

It's a liquid. It takes solid form once it hits the ice. Cream. Yeah, probably not safe for ingesting. That's why you don't see it anymore.

Give it to kids, Yeah, they're fine.

That'll shut them up for a while.

Poison instead of returns.

Do this part? It is?

It is a lot of times. It's I just like to see who's arriving at.

Final What kind of riff raff is coming into our fast city?

That lady she's been dicking around with her bag since noon to lady lady, Yeah, there's no bus that picks up people with dementia.

All right, I know you, it would be awesome. We just saw Kyle Kanaane standing there with a bindle. Oh could you imagine just all by himself the rival.

Club rich.

Oh God. Impressions. You know, when people say they don't like them, I don't believe them.

Uh uh, they're great.

They are great. And that was a good one.

Thank You're welcome. Its decent. He's an easy one to do. I'm not.

I'm don't consider myself a master impression. It's despite what all the papers say, but I did.

I was reading that in the paper.

It's an extra extra in Carmel's impressions are sweeping the nation.

Buy more war bonds.

Yes, FDR orders troops to push further into the into Belgium. Yeah, and then be right underneath.

And then have you ever heard Yeah?

And then a joke article that said something about invading Turkey from behind, a joke that's it's it's early, Yeah, it's early.

It's that part of the newspaper has a spinning bow tie that they built it.

It's like, what's on this page squirting?

I don't know about you, entertainment section, but I.

Slip over to the can of nuts section. Nothing to worry about over there, like spring snakes.

This newspaper, it's one dangerous two costs forty five dollars per issue.

Logical, there's no actual news in here.

Why would I pick up a trick newspaper?

All things Well, maybe print wouldn't be dead if they did things like that innovation.

Think about it.

What if we just keep driving around and we never get to virgin Oh, we.

Just forget, we just keep driving. Then I would need you to take me to Burbank Airport, Yeah.

Which is where my car is parked.

Which is what we do that all of a sudden, it's a two part episode.

Here's the worst thing I could do as a podcaster. What are you doing in Portland again?

That you said.

That's pretty much it.

Oh, I thought you had a show. No, oh, this is get out of the car.

I'll be doing no stand up comedy. Is an attractor?

Attractors in here?

Why we just passed?

Oh, it's a cherry picker. Okay, it's kind of a tractor, kind of a forklift. I just like to think somebody just dropped off his poor old wife.

I love.

Yeah, I guess like.

A straight story.

I guess you're not going to till the fields with me anymore. Geltel.

It's a little old fashioned kind of farmery.

Handsel the farmer.

Okay, here's airport return. But is there a way to get upstairs? Or should I just go over there? Did I do well?

I think you should just go straight yeah, and then like straight over here straight passing?

Yeah, yeah, passing those cars, passing them, or just stay behind them passing hard to pass them.

We'll do a U turn.

Yeah.

I don't know how to get from the bottom to the top.

Drake does.

Popular song Drake has about bunk beds bottom to the top, used the ladder. That's it doesn't really rhyme it's just a five second song. I haven't heard much Drake. I know he's popular with the uh you know, comedic interviews and stuff.

He's becoming more of a.

I met him briefly. Oh yeah, yeah, he played Jimmy he is in a wheelchair.

You're kidding for real?

And then he became a legitimate, legitimate hip hop artist.

How did I?

I didn't know that he did.

He did uh filming de GROSSI up there in Toronto. MM decided he liked rapping. Eventually caught on with Lil Wayne's company, Young Money Cash Money. That's a good name, Young Money, Cash Money, Young Money Cash Money.

It's amazing that that didn't ever affect his street credit. People knew that was his background, right, everybody knew it.

Well.

I think people try to have it affect his street credit, except for then Nick Cannon will always come up in some way and he will be like.

Drake's fine, Yeah, Drake's okay, don't worry about Drake.

Nick Cannon, who for all we know, may have had a very rough upbringing.

Yeah, he was probably tossed around the.

Apartment and the Nickelodeon studios.

Oh did he come up doing like Nickelodeon.

Raised in Nickelodeon's Oh I had no idea by a janitor found him in a a hallway. Janitor, I'm going to raise you like you're my own, and the.

Scripts of the Amanda Bond Show.

He's laying on a pile of scripts. He's so cute. He looks like the Snuggles.

Fair Janeitor was so good at while him out. He passed it out long before it was ever a TV show. I'll teach you how to while out.

For you'll make your way in this world. That was also Kyle.

Here's how that sound. I couldn't think of anything it would.

Say what if Howard Kramer was trying to do?

Oh?

I think it would sound a little bit like this. Huh, what do you think my impressions? I just say, hey, like it's an introduction.

Here's a bunch of k cars.

You know these are all government people, absolutely, mister President, so incognito, Okay, that's time we really are going to take you.

You don't have to worry anymore.

Yeah, I won't mess it up.

That was a that was kind of awesome to go to go to the departing upper deck and then accidentally find yourself on the very empty.

Arriving lower deck. We really was as in heaven.

His honor, Amen, saying you know the one that we used to say to each.

Other from that book.

We never that big book.

People that.

Shell Silverstine.

That's a really fun name to say in an overly East Coast Jewish shall Silvis Si Sylvestin Silverstein will be here?

Have you had with Shell Silvestine's We.

Wrote another poem. It's hilarious garbage.

It's it's awful, frankly, but apparently the children love itself.

Children leave them alone.

Leave them alone. He's writing, what are you doing?

And they're very bewildered by the potential of a sidewalk.

Ending the way sidewalks And I mean, I've seen sidewalks in there. I wish I knew thirty four thirty fourth Street turns right into a sea bearing wall.

And that's that's the end of it. I don't know if that's where.

He got it from.

That's where we got the idea.

My cousin Morris also lives near where a sidewalk ends, but that's because Morris lives in the wark.

Yeah, several sidewalks have never started and Hoboken.

There's a poem I would read the sidewalk had never started. There's nothing but potential there. You could you could, you could write about anything, but the sidewalk ends very limited.

It's just a drawing and an engineer's little handbook. Here a jet Blue Airlines nowhere near.

Is the next one.

It's the next word up frontier.

It's okay, it's okay.

Allegiant, made popular by their direct flight from Los Angeles to Missoula, Montana, is that you need a ride sponsored by Allegiant Airline.

A Legiant Airlines when you're not sure if you need to fly somewhere, or if you need to pledge to a flag.

It's so early, it's really hard to make your brain, that says a Less. I mean, I think we've done great so far.

Either we've acquitted ourselves very nicely.

I wish we had done the whole podcast as shel Silverstein's aunt.

That really something really satisfying about it.

I think that our sidewalk reft pretty great. That's probably better than most sidewalk refts.

Absolutely, it was.

Better than the gossip plan that I had earlier.

Gossip play would have been great. It's just we just never we just never really went anywhere with it.

Right, I will tell you this, what else what was beginning to say about Ron Funch is tax evator?

Oh me too?

Everybody tell everyone.

Yeah, he's not actually a taxivator.

Nobody pays taxes, he says, odd it all over that guy's face.

You don't have to in your comedian right, No, no, no, they.

Say, file your taxes. That just means put all your receipts in a filing cabinet. That's right, as far as I know.

Throw it the ocean.

Hey, say to your wonderful girlfriend.

I will thank you. Guys, this was wonderful.

Sorry, I had my back turned to you the whole time. But that's just the nature of a car.

That's all right, that's all right. I didn't take it to this sign of disrespect. I didn't even notice it until now now I'm thinking.

The wrong way. Well, now I've given you a peripheral peripheral vision. Hey, how about that?

I did see you, buddy, wed because that didn't pick up on the mic. Thanks, I have a good flight, buddy, and travel say, oh, of course, of course, all right, here we go, there's an unplug. I take those out perfect, wrap those up for him.

Off they are, they are off them up.

Oh hey, I hope to see you again soon. Let's hang out when you're back. Let's go watch wrestling.

Yes, yeah, yeah, comedy.

Doings I used to light. He is delightful.

The moon is all the way up, the.

All the moon is all the way up.

The moon is nowhere closed leaving. Yeah, it's still dark outside.

There goes the car, there he goes. He's delightful. We forgot something way he had something left to say?

What happened?

Did you leave something.

That's illegal? I'm gonna call the police.

I can't believe it's just sitting there.

He left his bag unattended, like a straight up bomb.

Remember that that guy, that airport security guy in Burbank who looked like angry Shaquille O'Neill. Yeah, he really scared me. I don't know why, because I think that's more has something to do with my relationship with Shaq.

Yeah, you and he you've had a you know, I mean a lot of people know about it. But he wronged me. I was supposed to be in the NBA.

Wrong to me, wrong to me? Good?

Uh oh this guy, NA go ahead, just you're unmarked white van, fucking kid Yeah?

Yeah, are you're taking those kids?

I don't know if a kidnapper van would have a number ninety six, like he's a fleet of kidnappers.

Yeah, it's uh oh, we can't kidnap you right now, but we can't send someone else to kidnap you.

I thought of a funny idea.

What if there's a kidnapper that had one of those stickers on the back that said how am I driving?

Okay, I'm with you, so people call in right, because he legitimately wants to know, But then that's how he gets in trouble.

So he's he does need feedback on like getting away. Yeah, if he peels out, I'll tell you this. Here's a creepy thing that happened.

Uh huh uh I was.

I am actually kind of a weird sleeper. So I was awake at you know, two in the morning one night, really uh huh, And I know that sounds late.

And I went and looked out my front door because my dogs were barking or something I can't remember, and I watched as a white panel van with the side panel door open.

Turned down my alley.

Oh wow, like right, at the end of my block, and it was one of the creepiest things I've ever seen because it's like, imagine a white panel van driving with the panel door.

The only two I've seen that is when someone's delivering papers. Do you think maybe it was a paper delivery person. Yes, it very well could have been taking it slow because the papers are fragile, because they had squirting bow ties and some of the other things we mentioned earlier.

Yeah, let's list off all of those things again. I do.

I am in no state for a game of memory.

I am in no way I am going to those things off.

I am in no mood for this. I just get out.

And then that's the day I left Chris at the airport.

Yeah, I think this was a great exercise and something we should never do again.

But you have because I do feel like you were speaking haphazardly. That's how I feel I was.

Yeah, there was a moment a lot.

There is a moment where I completely didn't understand something and said like as if it went through some kind of a coding machine, where I was like, oh did he? And it might have been a reference, or it might have just been my brain kind of switched off for a second where I was like, I don't understand that, like.

Like it was a different language, and it probably was something completely take a left up here.

Yeah, because I think it was easy and simple. My brain was just like, let's hold.

Off though it's hard.

It's hard.

Did did you sleep before this?

Yes?

I did?

Okay, see I tried to pull an all nighter and uh, I'm afraid I I've cuite a bit of tequila in me. But still to this moment, to this moment, I have not yet urinated or vompetent. It is still I have not get vomited.

Wait, and that was the party for Nate Craig's taping.

Yeah, I don't know if it was a tape. I hope it was a taping. He did great. Nate Craig a comedian that I did a show with at the Nerd Mouth Theater.

Nick Craig, Wait, is this sepulvido?

No?

No, we're oh it will be good.

Just follow that because if I go through this airport again, I swear to God.

Uh.

And so who was there that was fun at that party? I was I never go to anything.

It wasn't so much. It was just kind of a standard show. I'd like you to stop calling it a party.

It was a yeah, just a show there. Kate Berlamb was on it. She's very funny. She makes me laugh. Yeah, I said when I was hosting, I haven't done that for a while. And when you're hosting, you have to say things in between comics, Yes, to like cleanse the palette of the audience, I suppose, But for me, I see it as an opportunity to blurt, just things that don't make sense.

Blurt your blurtings.

I think I said, Nate Gregg's up next, please. I think you're gonna love him. I think that's what's my intro for him. And when when Kate was done, I said she's great. I think she's smarter than me, and it seemed condess.

I don't know. I was trying to say that I really do think she's smart, but it came off weird.

Yeah, it was the tone of your voice.

Probably maybe it was I.

Was yelling at with both my middle fingers.

Out and you're in that snare, that mustache.

I was playing a sneer drum. You know, puns there, there's always a place for them. No nuts.

Should we end this thing? This guy is very pink right now?

Oh it is.

I think that smoke from those wildfires.

Oh right.

The more wild they are, the more pink they are.

That's what they always said, drive by, That's what they always say.

Should we go to our Taco bell location?

Yeah, I was gonna say, should we get the Sizzler?

Of course we should go to the Sizzler. Are you kidding me? H?

One of I believe it is Kurt Hopkins, who is a person that we know on Twitter, I know in real life, suggested that we.

Do an all Sizzler episode from the airports.

Is really based on our mention of Sizzler last episode.

Yeah, and our borderline fight about going to Sizzler.

I think it's a great. It depends on what you get. But their taco bar, come on, really for real?

There's that show No Reservations with Anthony Bourdin Bourdain and in Koreatown they went to Sizzler and the guy he was with just made like a meat ball taco and that, and they loved it.

They were like, this is delicious.

And it's something about that show the way it's edited made me think Sizzler is pretty good.

Even though I've been there.

And it isn't.

It isn't not No, but I I because of how well packaged that program is. I was like, I want to meet ball Taco, I swear to god.

All I can picture is like months and months before that episode, them sitting down with like the head honchos At Sissler, like, we are going to give you five hundred thousand dollars. Can you please make it look like the food at our restaurant is edible and not the most depressing experience you'll have in your adult life, because that's.

It literally looks like people drop their grandparents off there and leave them there all day.

Yeah, it is. It's like a city of lost elderly it is.

And then the Chicken has that kind of thing where they try to make it.

Look like it was charboiled, but it absolutely wasn't. So it just like they stuck the black stripes of.

Black shit out there.

They are actually painted on. You see that a lot in a low grade grade f chicken. Yes, great up racing stripes. Yeah, oh chick, oh shit, oh the deep peaking process. Let's not think about it.

That's it. I'm going vegan.

Let's go vegan right now.

Yeah, I can't. We didn't.

Yeah, I'm on board. Let's not eat meat anymore.

I like you were saying that, like we talked about it already, we never did it. So let's know, let's really do it this time.

Let's really no more, no more just talking about it, which we haven't done yet. Let's do it.

Let's skip the talking phase.

Do not even.

Do not even look at this McDonald McDonald's on the left here at Manchester and Skippity Airport.

Oh my god, I'm shutting down. Someone make me a bed so I can lie in it.

Skippity. When you when you shut down, you turn into.

Pop pie.

McDonald's.

Oh no, everyone loves impressions, everyone does.

S.

I mean, well, if we are, let's I think we should.

We should wrap this up. What better intersection than La Tiara and A and airporty. Well, it was a pleasure driving with you, and you as well. I'm gonna get out here, Bye bye.

You You going to the airport endoscopy Center.

Yes, I'm going to the medical center. Airport endoscopy Center. Just ask what an endoscopy is. I hope it doesn't mean a camera in my p hole? All right, I've been Chris Fairbanks. That's Karen Kilgareff has made her laugh. Okay, bye I Leaven.

I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clays, time and turning on Gaye.

We want to send you off, installer. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine.

Now?

Porn Papa?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

Mh