Ep. 40 - Chris Martin

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and aid turmanol engage aid. We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chriss m welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbank.

This is Karl Gareth.

We are in Silver Lake, Silver Lake, heart of Silver, like the heart of it, knowing because we're by the Silver Lake Lounge. Yes, and the Silver Sun liquor store. Made popular by the Silver Sun Pickups, a indie rock band.

Who you here?

They are now walking?

They are I'm so glad he's maintained his side mullet also made popular if camens.

If a woman in the Midwest had that haircut, you'd be like, yes, absolutely, But it's Silver Lake and it's a boy in a tiny jean jacket what looks like a baby's jean jacket, And so you're like, hey, it's a band.

If he was in Salem right now and I'm not talking to Oregon, there would be a trial without a jury, Yes, and it would involve Pitchforks being on fire because that guy is an indie rock witch. We are about to pick up UK comedian Chris Martin.

What's that going to be?

Like?

I known absolutely nothing about this person he is.

I did a podcast with him. They are also on He and this guy Carl Donnelly, who was in the UK. Somehow they did it with technology to where it seemed like he was in the room on the audio wise, I could hear him in my ears. I was wearing a weird headset thing. I don't understand.

You're in an isolation tank.

The science of it. And then some guy punched me in the stomach like Wodini. It's very I came to and they said you're like the David Copperfield of Who of Whodini's Day, which I thought was weird because I would think Whodini would be the Whodini of Whodini's Day.

Of Houdini Day. Yeah, when is Whodini Day this year? Is it on a Sunday?

It's right after Grandmaster Flash day.

Have you seen that thing? Sorry, but this is a sidebar. My favorite thing is there's a trend where all these grandmas accidentally tag themselves as Grandmaster Flash on Facebook, and someone's made a compilation of all the times it's happens. It's it's like family picture, and then it says Grandpa and Grandmaster Flash.

It's so great. That means that they happen to be friends with Grandmaster Flash.

Yes, it's a fan, they're family friends. But it's funny when you switch names.

Oh, I love it. I'm going to turn down the air.

Is there air sounds?

There's air sounds, but that's only because and if people need a reminder, we are in a moving vehicle.

We're in a moving vehicle. It's February, but it's Los Angeles, so it's eighty degrees outside.

Yes, sorry, sorry, if you're asked deep in a snow bank Minnesota.

Not our fault that you moved to Minnesota.

Yeah, you're too scared to leave you two. You're too attached to scraping your windows and getting yelled at by your Grandmaster Flash.

And you just can hear the clicks of people. Fuck you. This d D subscribed unsubscribed. I believed Schnyder.

Oh have you heard d Schneider's podcast. It's all about hair and weightlifting.

It's all just tube socks. He's weird, huge.

You know. I hope that him pulling out you Episcopal doesn't affect the popularity of the sister's music. Thank you. I almost said iron Maiden. He seems more like he's a maiden to me.

He is. He's a maidenlike Chris Martin.

No no, And I'm worried about making that joke. I'm sure he'll be like, oh, I've never heard that one before, Bloody rich. Why it's me Chris Malton from the radio's code play, I'm a real radio head.

Oh damn it, Oh damn it. That's not the bands I.

Keep promoting and competitors band with calling me what I am, which is a radiohead. And then those blokes came along with lazy eyes. I'm so Australian. All of a sudden, really.

Quick, I'm totally on the wrong street. Right. We're now in historic Filipino town. You know you've made a terrible mistake.

Yeah, when you delve into their history, here comes a car. We are doing a three point term. Do you remember we we I don't remember. Do you want me to look up the address again?

No?

I just think that I turned down. You know how I like to do where I just go down.

One street roundabouts.

It's a little roundabout her. You know, it's Sunday afternoon, and uh I.

He'll be fine. We have plenty of time to get him on his aeroplane.

Okay, good.

But I had so much fun on that podcast. They were so great. You and I like to riff. I say something, maybe it doesn't make sense. You go with it anyway, I.

Make less sense.

Together we are reportive. It is sense. Let's spoke cohesive. Yes, that's how I felt with Carl and Chris. It was really fun. They were really sweet. We covered a thousand topics, never really concluding one, and that's how I like to do it. It was really fun. So basically I feel like I was on the UK version of Do You Need a Ride? But in a studio.

God, this is like having an exchange student in high school? Did you ever have an exchange student?

My mother had two Japanese girls living in the basement, but it was never explained to me why they were in the next room.

It is very true. Well this will be like that, but I think less confusing. It's very direct. Our podcast is here in America, his is there in England, and now refused, we are forever joined.

Yes, right through the Allthingscomedy dot com family.

Oh he's on all Things Comedy also.

Yes's great.

Yeah, yeah, this is a cross promotional effort. I love it to remind you to listen to all of them at once, all the podcasts on all Things comedy.

And just because England at one time was our oppressor and was super into taxation without representation, that's not out who they are.

Now, you know what. He's right next to the and look at that English car. Yeah he's yes, let's try to leave your politics out of this.

Okay, Well we'll see how we do. I mean he might be if he starts it, I'm going to finish.

It kissing me a girl goodbye.

Because let me just tell you.

Leaping off athletically from a wall, he's getting in the back and getting in. He know, its the routine. Sorry, the blanket might be a skew.

It's a bit of a sheet to cover the dog care. Yes, you'll see once you get in person as.

A dog in this town. Should I speak into the microphones?

Yes, exactly the way you're doing it. I will adjust the levels accordingly.

This might be the first time you've had a grown man cry on your podcast.

What are you going to?

Oh no, because because you have to say goodbye my fiance, I won't see it for two and a half months, which is like, so long are you?

That is a really long time.

It's quite funny that I did pencil the podcast. I was like, this is probably it's probably not the best time to get one. But then I thought, like, it's free lift of the airport.

Yeah, exactly, let's be realistic.

She put a blanket down, but then how do I put a seatbelt on that?

Yeah, you might not be able to This is like a trust game, as Karen Karen, if you kinless to meet k Chris Martin, he's the guy I was talking about the podcast. Did but Carl Donald?

Yeah, just the one.

Yeah, yeah, it was very fun.

Maybe you want to move that. She the dog here won't get on you. It's kind of embedded.

Then I just thought, you know, it's I'm going to get felt up at the airport by the guy anyway, make it more interesting.

So I don't want to go to the X ray massine.

I understand you wanting to have a seat belt. A lot of people throw caution into the wind just for the sake of our podcast, and it's dangerous.

Really, it's very seventies to have a seatbelt.

Yeah, we're not in a Volvo. Let's be uh what are we in?

I don't know cars.

This is a Honda fit and interesting story about a year ago. I was like, I was in a terrific I had a great ride in one, and I thought, well, I hope I ride in one of those again. That was the story.

I gotta tell story.

Yeah, thanks, it's an opening story.

So this is this is recording.

It is we are indeed you are?

Otherwise Why am I talking into a long black pole?

Yeah, it's good to practice a good mic.

You've got proper like game show makes Game show Mike's very thin, long thin with a little.

With at the top, which I like, I feel.

Like I should be doing. And what's that game you got is a jeopardy? So the game you guys play?

Oh yeah, of course.

My memory my knowledge that is off the film White Men Can't Jump, where Rosy Perez revises the knockers off to get one is a qua hog.

Stupid.

Every summer with you, I do some sort of like actually racially ambiguous accents.

Sorry, guys, had a racially ambiguous accent off?

Did you?

Oh?

It was so fun?

It was great.

That was a real milange of accents. Right then, there's a lot going on.

I don't really play Jeopardy so much as get frustrated and leave the room to pretend they're to meet love in the oven because I don't know the answers to anything, so I go look.

Every is like a family game where when I go home, we all watch it together and compete and try to read each other. It's really nice.

I rarely know anything on it. It's a show that makes me feel stupid.

It's like, do you guys have trivial pursuits the game? I mean that is like you. I could be putting that for half a day and I'd cill only have three pieces of pie pie.

I think it was is it not cheap? Yellow? Who cuts up cheese? And individuals?

There's not a lot of like green.

I guess a cheese, isn't it cheese?

There is pink.

There's red Leicester, which is from Leicester and it's red.

Where are you from?

I'm from London, where born and raised, born and raised on the playground.

That's where I spent most.

Of this day, most of a majority of it, A lot of my days and the rest of them spent on the tube, as we call it.

It's minding the gap.

The gap.

See you've both been, haven't you? Have you been to Yes? Do you like it?

I love it?

Well, I love it. I haven't been. I've been to Manchester. We talked about. I only made it as far as Manchester. I wasn't quite ready for the big city.

Did you land in London and then immediately depart up to Manchester.

I went to Manchester, went down to Buxton, that quint down in the eastern, its southern eastern, and it was very quaint as someone had died in the sixteen hundreds and I read his tombstone. You know you're in an old country when someone we don't have tombstone sixteen hundreds.

Not really, you don't have anything.

I went to a deli of yours next to the law factory, nineteen twenty six.

That's its oldest our country, the oldest thing in this whole. The day our Declaration of Independence was signed nineteen twenty six.

They all had some olives and some mayonnaise, darty checks.

We're wearing green Blat was like, let me, maabize.

Better way to celebrate this than by opening a lovely sandwich shop.

Where everything costs fifteen dollars?

Yeah, it's quiet was over the.

First time I went there was when I first moved to LA and I was so shocked at the prices because it was like, oh, let's just go there and get a sandwich. And then I was like I have to borrow money, right, I can't afford to be at green Blasts.

I don't understand, Like canters, you get a pastrami sandwich. It's a stack of meat. Sure, I see the value in that, but fourteen dollars. Yeah, I can't wrap my mind or my mouth. It's too thick.

I still don't get brunch. Like, why when did eggs become expensive? Who decided that you are firstly queuing for good? I mean, like the it's mental to imagine telling someone that who doesn't know, like an alien, I queued for eggs? Oh well, they really like a rare, I know, like they're the most common, cheap thing you can buy on Earth, and I queued for an hour to have really good like weekdays.

You could get them any time of day, but it's just Saturday and Sundays it's you'll wait in line forever. That's Los Angeles too, because there's about seven good restaurants really, and that's where everyone goes.

I think it maybe it's the I think all the food of eating is nice in this town.

Yes, haven't eate anything bad.

I'm I'm from London and we have one from England, which is you guys always take the pits out of us for a cuisine. But I see, I'm like, now I'm not fair enough, guys, you know you know what.

I There were things and I was like, the traditional English breakfast. I'm not that big of a fan of Canpians and my breakfast floating apart. There are certain things.

I was like, I don't get it to see if.

It's too wet, history food too wet.

I guess that's true. Actually yeah, it's quite well.

But I had a lot of great food too. It just depends on what you're used to eating. Sure, it's another country, for God's sake. A lot of people don't realize that. What are yeah? Wow, yeah, I know I had no idea. You did not know you were a global traveler. How long were you here, Chris?

I was here.

This is three weeks to the day, three weeks of the day, and I'm on the I'm not going home.

I'm going to Australia.

So I'm going nice to do comedy, to do comedy, to do some jokes. It's the person who booked the flights. I've had an absolute mare the Frozen nights. Sure for nightmare rather than like is that like a female horse?

Yeah, yeah, it's good.

It's also just a timesaver.

Good to buy one. So you could say that.

But I've had a mayor people, Oh what's wrong now? No, I had a look. Check it out, guys. You can stroke it and everything nine hands high.

I thought LA was on route. It is on the way to Australia.

When you are booking the fastest as the crow flight, sometimes the cheapest flight is not. Somehow more fuel of the air equals it. That doesn't make any sense to me now I think about it. I'm going via Abu Dabby, so I'm going like I'm going past the UK.

Wow.

So I'm going to abu dabby, which is fourteen I didn't I just you know, I didn't even check. It's fourteen hours there, two hours and then it's like another I guess another ten hours or something.

So what do you do?

You just take sleeping pills? Are you going to pop some pills?

Well, this is I was. I don't normally do stuff like that. I'm try to never really take I'll tell you, like a pill.

In this country.

If I if I take sleeping pills and then I'm on a plane, I'm my ball to have some mares.

Well yeah, exactly, this is what someone said to me. My friend went. I was like, what's it good?

Because I know you can get stronger like stuff here and everyone's like we can bring eat valium or something that's.

Prescription, isn't it? And my friend, I'll give you some ambience.

And then someone told me there's stories of people in ambient like having sex and not remembering.

I'm like, a plane is the worst place to be excuse.

It's the most uncomfortable place to accidentally have sex because someone has to nonchalantly drag your limp body to the bathroom. This isn't something I usually make jokes about of course, Yeah, that's uh this I mean given. I think it's rufi ro hypnol ketamine. Well, what did I be? I was given once in Florida. I believe I was given just a classic roofie for real, the one. Yeah I heard that. I woke up and the guy was on the other side of the room.

Yes, that's right.

Yeah, there is a guy on the other side of the room pleasuring himself. I was fully closed. It's a story for another time.

It's a story right now.

I've told it before on a podcast called Horrifying Road Stories That Almost made You quit. Oh my kind of a long name for no Murray Valeriano's podcast Broad Stories. I told it on there. I just spent a night out with a group, handed up with one person from that group. This guy did some drugs. I don't usually do drugs. It's something he did something on purpose to

That's what happened with us. Yes, that's how I got in the car.

I didn't even have his podcast was born.

They broke up, guys, And not to feverishly change the subject, but we are going to get you to your plane on time, and also pump the grape grapes. Pump the grapes, say it and wine. Fact, I was gonna say break Did you just say you and your fiance broke up?

What? Oh god, I.

Thought that's what you just know, that would be, that would have been I'd be wasty casually about that.

No, we just break it up. We're just not in close proximity.

Okay, you said you said an English version of that, and like every time Rosie Perez speaks, I did not understand. Okay, so you're just you guys were sad because you won't see her for a while.

Of course, yeah, yeah, and she lives here.

Well, she's just sort of moved it.

She's an actor, so she's a she's gonna be a movie star like everyone in this town slash maybe you know, working at a brunt shop soon who knows, but lack of opportunity.

Guys, you can do both. I love about the sounds.

Everyone has like nine jobs, like even like a famous director. Also cells vintage clothing.

You got to you gotta.

It's amazing, Like like, I didn't realize this about this town. It never really struck me. So we were staying East and silver Lake and I figured, like, it's so lovely, and I was like, I haven't seen much poverty at all. And then someone said, you just put all the poor people below like a certain block in the south. And then that's so that's like a weird that's not very London. So London is like you can go one street, give

Yeah, it's easy to do in this town. It's kind of weird, it is.

Yeah, you can you can mark two black where I live, you can block two block two walks in one direction and see yeah, justs to two people stabbing each other. And then the other direction it's of Jeny Gentrified.

Or Amsterdam and the wire like for real, Yeah, where you just left? So would I like if I drive into will give me a dodgy area.

I've kind of threw one on the way to the airport near the airport, which I think is kind of true in every city near the airport it gets a little risky. That's where Compton is and where South Central is.

Is that what you do? The old press down the old I don't know why I did that, like you had to?

Yeah, yeah, sound effect, guys, this is many dimensional this podcast. I was going to say, like four D. And if that's not that noise is not included in the three D four D spectrum of stuff. I do believe it's one of the dimensions. Sound, there's sound, there's sight, there's taste.

I don't know. DVDs are very high tech these days. Have you had the new tasteable? But but yeah, don't worry. We'll drive by a poor neighborhood and you can click the windows in front of a family of four.

Negative think we're so rich with Mike, were talking to microphones to each other. Yea, these guys, they use unnecessary electronics and having just a normal conversations.

We just got passed by a quiz show. Was that cash care?

That's our ticket out of this?

Ben Bailey does that? Yeah, yeah he did. I remember watching him years ago in the UK. Is very funny.

Oh really, it's funny because I only know him from that show. I've never seen his stand up comedy.

It's good stand up.

I remember I was used to go, like when I was underaged before just before I started doing stand up, I used to go and watch at the local club in West London and he was he was like, I must have just like I don't think he went lows, but he must have been on like twice in six months and I saw him both times, and very like you guys, very well written, tight, good stand up.

It's good stand ups Americans. You guys know how to write some good jokes.

Well, thank you what I've and correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like almost most Americans that are worth their are Nomy look up to English situation on sketch comedy and have tried to mimic it even And I think that maybe what of my experience in the UK was that everyone kind of looked up to English stand up or American stand up. English actually mean.

In the in England we looked up to American stand up.

Do you feel that?

I feel like, yeah, I think you guys have got at the top of the game. You've got some fantastic stand ups.

But it's there's a lot of middle ground.

No, there's like I think the clichedes.

Like what I would say is like what I'd imagine is like a bad version of American stand up with some guy going like, so my mom's Puerto Rican and my dad's Irish, so it drinks around me.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm cleaning stuff I don't know whatever.

Like that's actually a good opener.

That's the it's always my dad's this.

That's like I bet like if I I've been to many clubs here and I have not seen someone's quite an eighties or nineties reference like I've seen people do there.

It's the let me tell you a little bit about myself as a starter, it's weird.

It's like just just bye by being on stage talking you are doing that, it's a funny.

It just goes.

It's like me going I'm about to say sentence, just then saying a sentence.

Get ready if you go, you read some jokes guys before I start them.

Let me just remind you that I look like a cross between so and so and so and so.

I love it.

Let's get that started.

Do you guys have someone someone's let themselves go a bit? Was that a Frazer?

And yeah, like, oh, I look like Willie Walker on a tired day.

So yeah, I've always wanted to go on and go I know you guys.

He was always I know what you're thinking, and then you because no one's actually and I want to go, I know what you're thinking, and he glovers let himself go a bit, and they'd be like, yeah.

That's not funny to me because I was actually already thinking that. How is that a joke if it's already yeah, you're not. You didn't surprise me with a new idea. If you go to like a comedy class that teachers stand up, which there's a lot of them.

Yeah, and now there's so many classes and a brunch and classes broadclass. Yeah, class twelve dollars.

What order?

Second rule, don't tell anyone about brunch class. Somehow not telling people makes it more in demands come there.

It would be amazing if you got to brunch class and it was just bare knuckle fighting.

Oh, that would be great. I haven't seen.

Yeah, I've seen minimal violence here. I expect to see many. I did see police questioning with two guys with handcuffs on.

Oh, well, were they at least being assertive? Uh?

Yeah, they weren't holding them tightly like there has been a lot.

So you saw maybe verbal violent. You know, they had them against the wall though, which a lot of times words hurt as bad as stones or sticks. Exactly that they're saying is not words will never hurt you, or sometimes hurt you. I think I had a stroke because for the last ten minutes I haven't been able to complete a thought.

Have you known it?

In my flush?

It's Sunday, it's a day of.

They are both very dilated. But other than that, you see, I had.

A birthday party last night, Chris.

For your birthday, Yeah, fantastic.

And Karen got me a jar of I believe moonshine with Maraschino cherries in it that soaked up the liquor, and I was eating them like I was eating popcorn at a tense movie.

Did you get super fucked up on those cherries? I got?

You know what, you don't be handing me moonshine cherries.

Wow.

I've always said that it was a great gift. I thank you for it.

The American stereotype we have of you guys not being able to to drink alcohol sounds about right when you get pissed on cherries.

Yeah, I got drunken fruit.

They were very moonshine cherries.

It is you may get in your bathtop. Yah.

Yeah, yeah, that's very tube typically hillbilly.

Yeah, like on a jar. Yes, a pomp out by a woodshed.

Tastes like hairspread.

How did you make it?

I bought it. It was like. There's a liquor store around the corner from my house, and at Christmas time, I went in there trying to get a last minute gift for my friend and they just had this whole display of cherries soaked in moonshine, and I just thought, that's that's everything, That's what everyone wants. So I just keep going back to that display.

Karen doesn't drink, so she actually isn't sure what everyone wants.

I'm giving them what I want. Secretly. I would get.

So so if I was gonna because I don't drink, if I was gonna drink, I would eat it exactly.

Brumch just alcoholic brumps. At the point is it.

Was my birthday and there's friends there, some I haven't seen in years, and uh, I got a little excited and I tried to drown it with different types of liquor.

Everybody did.

At a normal hour, at a normal hour, can I I went to for my final night in Los Angeles to what I guess would be described as like Hollywood like parties, and just like I went to a super Bowl party before with do you guys know.

Dave Holmes, Yeah, a super nice guy and and it was like his friend Josh's house and it's like loads of guys who did improv and she got so it's just so fun like'ch a nice vibe.

Yeah, mainly comedian.

Like I'm not saying comedians are a high breed of people, but I'm just saying, like just easy to just people think we're all awkward and stuff, and we have moments of that, but just have a chat, like we don't care so much about who someone is or whatever. But then last night me and Hannah went to Too and I just it was really odd, like it was I didn't see that many famous people there.

But then I comically with one guy.

I recognized him, and I thought I just recognized him from like Britain, from like a comedy, like knowing a comedian and helping her a com I was convinced that was it, and I went, do you work in comedy?

And he was like, oh yeah.

I was like, oh cool, do you like do you know Tiff Stevenson, who's just like a female comedian?

Yeah?

Yeah, And he went, no, do you ever worked have you been as old rope this comedy? Goes like no, so what do you do in comedy? Goes oh, I like right with Steve Coogan and David Deal. And then I was realized I'd seen him an episode of Alan Partridge and I was just speaking to a guy I recognized on TV.

And I must have looked like I'd just done that like fake thing.

Yeah.

Then and it was right by the toilet and he was in front, in the front of the cue of the time and.

I wasn't even queuing. I was waiting for Hannah. So I'm just standing and now over it is.

How psychotic as And I'm standing up at the front of the cube for a toilet, not needing the toilet, grilling him. And then the toilet became free, and I went, you can now go to the.

I love when that. I was jogging on the beach, as I do once every three months, and I passed a guy that I thought I knew, and I was like hey, I said. It was such convincing familiarity. It's like hey, and he's like like, oh hey, and he jogged by, and then we both realized. I realized, oh that's Josh Brolin, famous.

Wow.

He realized, Oh, I don't know that guy. He just thought he knew me, and so we just both at the peripherally. I just saw him just kind of exhale and shake his head.

He was joking there so you could make a fosse.

Yeah, we both like to stay active, Hollywood, Huh.

I did that in a grocery store parking lot with a guy that I The second I saw him, I was like, that's my friend's friend. I know him from a party or something, so we said hi to each other, and then in the store itself, we kept walking by each other and finally I said, you're friends with my friend CJ. Right, And he goes no, and I said, oh, I'm sorry. I thought I knew you from a certain

So did he lie and say or do you think you were familiar to him as well?

No, I'm sure he was lying, and he's trying to be polite to a girl that wouldn't stop saying hi to him.

Bagally, I know, Oh, you know what, I'm wrong. I don't know you. You're just the person that enjoyed me and Snakes on a Plane.

I'm from the privacy at about that film.

So he would probably not a ton.

No, I don't know.

I bet he doesn't get as many compliments as there were snakes on that motherfucking plane.

No, Chris, if there were snakes on your plane that you're about to take, that.

Plane you're about to not to make you.

Know what I did, What would your reaction be?

I think, I don't know, you really like many snakes on them?

Yeah, a whole bunch a gaggle of fucking motherfucking snakes.

I think I'd use everything near me to hit them, and before I got very quickly overpowered. I think enough of any no matter how small it is.

If there's more than about three of them toddlers over three toddlers coming for me and they really want it, I'm dead.

So they're not snakes anymore. You're talking about human baby.

Talking about human babies.

Oh wow, well that actually might happen.

It should happen.

You're just you're going to hit them, You're gonna I'm just trying to I'm going to use stuff around me. This the I think the end of the seat belt, well, you can get a bit of leverage off the kind of be sure.

Before you do that, pay attention to the stewardess's, you know, example of how to use that seat belt because you don't want to hit the baby wrong with it.

That's the necessary thing. I love that we're doing airplane humor.

Yeah, a humor is I still think there's so much dumb stuff always making it dumber, like there's always something new they do.

Although I did I remember I was going on, why do they always check your ticket again?

Like when you've done it to the person, you've gone through the gangway, and they often will recheck it on the plane and they've sort of stopped doing it on some British airwayslights.

But then someone wrote into.

Our podcast, I think that's all about that, and they said I used to work on a flight and some guy who was like meant to go to Manchester and end up in a Denmark. That does happen? Like yeah, I was like in my head it only ever happened home alone too, But it happens many different times.

Kevin, it just seems like it's everything's impossible now since nine to eleven, like everything's so checky, But things do happen like that all the time.

Can I ask you a quick question about Lax Airport I was there two years ago, and you know most airports, when you go through the.

Security, you get to the really good stuff.

I remember two years ago there was literally one one cafe.

Is it still like that?

It depends on which there are certain uh you know terminals where I'm surprised that there's nowhere to eat or get last minute food, and then another terminal there's a fall on food court.

I've got to start. I've got to just grownd up and osk.

You have a pretty good chance of finding something to eat.

But it's and also you're an international right.

Lax is one of the worst airports as far as human need human needs being modern in any way. It's just an airport that was made in the sixties and they haven't touched it. There's some dust and some you know some There.

Is that one they put in a macaroon store in that one gate one area that I think is so hilarious. It's like the one thing no one needs or wants. Those fancy little French cookies cost eight dollars.

Barely know what a macaroon is exactly.

Yeah, Is that the same as a meringue?

No, it's like meringues are those hard whipped cream things and macaroons look like their pastel colored oreos basic and they're like very hip.

Now, which is this trivial version? I know you love a coolback, Chris.

I was all podcasts.

All I was doing was calling back to things but they had been said like a minute earlier.

You were literally just starting your sentence again every end of every sentence.

I would start a sentence with a word and ended with that same word and think it was a callback where see I just did it. Where it's right, more like trivial pursuit cookies.

You just did that your passion It really is, it really is.

I'd love a good callback. It's fantastic.

Yeah, just take it.

Was a human in certain ways, something about you remembering someone remembering something.

People like to be reminded that they've been listening. It's so true.

It's about shared experience and it's yeah.

It's like we've passed the quiz, which in a way is like being good at trivia pursuit, and that is a callback instide of.

Cool back, and then we're calling back callbacks.

I like it.

Lay it.

It was another thing I was gonna say about the Hollywood party. Sorry to go I mean, this is not this is me?

Just who was it from? Because at that Alan Partridge the movie, you know, I don't think in the movie.

I think he was just a writer.

He writes it, okay, and then you know sometimes but the writer in for a couple of minutes. I think he just been in and I can't quite remember what it was, but I was like, But then also that party, wasn't the guy that laughed. It wasn't the guy that I love, that guy, Eldon, the guy says the racist thing.

Ye, I'm one of those people that is obsessed with British television.

Right, I love it. And Alan Partridge is phenomenal.

Me and all my friends who were sixteen used to just speak like him for like, and you can still he there's quite people to do comment got this kind of like hi guys like shootsy voice.

Yeah, it's so fun. It's just everything funny. Everything said in that voice is funny.

And when he sings, when he the one where he entered singing Wuthering Heights and then writer as the woman at the counter starts singing, he goes, don't see which bad sounds bad?

So who else was that?

Yeah?

So the first one so me and a Hanni thought

If some I don't know if I'd be bothered to speak to them. But they were British people.

But we saw one guy who is in the latest series of Homeland, who is the did you watch it?

You watch it?

I don't, I don't.

I watched the first season.

He okay, right, he was in a newer guy. He's like a military Pakistan military chief. I think he's an English actor. And I went to the second party and saw another man from Homeland, the black guy who is the head of the whatever the he's the head of series one, also an English actor, and that was and then the second party was more like the first one was quite like kind of like just kind of small talk.

He like polite.

Second one was like started at ten o'clock, was like people do we driven and weren't drinking, but people were doing naughty things. And then I just you know, when someone just kills your vibe straight away. Guy next to me had a pink wig on right, obviously because it was the sixties party didn't realize and I just, honestly, I mean, it wasn't the greatest opener from me, but if you were in a wig, you've got to expect someone to say this.

I went nice wig, right.

And also, why why are you wearing that wirch? I just said, that's the follow.

Well I didn't.

I just went nice wig right, like expected him to be like, oh yeah, like no, Like he honestly acted like I just asked a ship on his wig. He looked, and I was like and then his mate like next to him stopped talking look to me, and then.

Karen I was like, oh, fuck off. It's like all.

Starts and strangers conversations and not good but at least acknowledge, at least go ah yeah. Like it was like I ruined the whole party. And then I just was like, you know that to someone's rather than I don't know, I never get angry.

I filled of right, Yeah that I noticed that, And that's saying no one's willing to have any humility, Like people aren't willing to be embarrassed, like, oh, I know, look, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not and then take off the wig you got me, buddy, That's how someone would act at home.

Cool.

Well, but that's also all of Los Angeles. Everyone's pretending to be someone they're not, so they can't like that's the old everybody's at those parties. It's like when Sarah Silverman has those parties and everyone gets so tense and crazy and hi because there there's so many famous people there, so everyone's kind of weirdly posturing and not really.

Talking to you, talking in a weird higher version of their own voice.

Yeah, kind of louder and higher, and actually they're.

Having the best conversation of the party. Yeah, like it was.

I don't know if it's because, like I was trying to think, like, is it the fact that because EVERYON'SID, I'm like l a fake And I hadn't seen any of that in silver Leg at all, but there maybe that was unless you're important, no one really wants to.

You'll see it at a party for sure.

It's so annoying though.

It was just like I wasn't drinking, and in my head, I'm like, in the UK, I would have been drinking, but like I think even I have been drinking and they would have just no one gave a ship because didn't know you were, which was a bit annoying.

And my guys in the UK just as many people wouldn't know.

Who I am, but they you know, but they'd be nice.

That'd be nice. I was just he was British as well. It's what annoyed me.

Was like, oh, there's a lot of assholes in the story.

Well I should have gone. Is actually nice? Wig? No reaction all right, ship Wig?

He was an asshole in Britain. That's a fake thing no matter where they're from. That's one thing that a lot of people that move here haven't common is this assholey unshakeable confidence. And that's why they are. That's why people move here. They're like, I have something to offer the world.

I'm my town's biggest asshole. I'm going to move to Los Angeles.

Yeah, it's like that'd be like nice part that feels like.

But then I say comedians and like, you know, you could get some comedians ego obsessed. But at least I feel like you could just have a bit of banter.

With someone and don't wear a wig if you don't want to.

It was like a comedic juggler or some kind of.

Maybe it's just real hair.

Oh yeah, yeah, it looks like a real hair.

He was born that way, and his whole life all he's heard is people say nice wig. You Yeah, when.

You're you're tool and someone goes you're tool, He's just like dickheads.

It's my own beautiful pink hair.

My dad was a redhead and my mother was a rabbit. And you're making fun of me again, just like everyone had my whole family.

And his friend, his friend looked almost as offended, and his friends like, and you know about John and his hair, come on, mate feeling.

That's when you just knock their drink out of their hands.

And that wouldn't you.

I think everyone like twice a month she would have to smash a drink at someone's hands. No ramification stretch. How much healthy would the world be? Way less murder if you could just flip a tray.

That's the best one. Waitresses tray flipp it the building.

One time I had had a party and everyone was kind of acting like an asshole. And this girl Stephanie Askeahita, who used to act crazy all the time in a way that made me laugh. But she just all of a sudden said, well, this party sucks, and she took a bag of chips and popped it. Oh yeah, but so they all smashed and it popped open and she swung it around her head like a lass up and chips went everywhere, and then she just went out the door. I didn't see her for another couple of years.

That's amazing.

She went on the run after Hollywood would't let her back in after a chip management.

Yeah, she just left.

And started a new life in a different town.

She just started doing some commercial acting fantastic for lads of potato chips. But yeah, that was the best party.

That's a great exit.

She had just lost it. She was like, I've had enough of everyone acting the way they're acting. How about I make it rain chip particles.

I think you need to just feed a couple of just like I'm trying to think of back it. When I was younger, there'd be you know, when we started drinking in the UK, and then some guy would just act like an idiot. But then it would be kind of bring everyone together. I remember one guy in the year above me called Rob Kyle, Robin Kyle, and he was he loved rugby and loved drinking loads and being like you know, and some people like trying to chow

And he came in. He's in his boxer shorts.

He goes, Mate, everyone is swimming in the pond outside.

You want to come in.

They was swimming in the mate, check out the pond.

When outside it was just a big puddle.

He was he was in a was like in his pants, just sitting in a big puddle. He thought it was that drunk he thought it was a pond, Which is funny because you.

Guys all have like pools that your parties.

Here was like a pond would be off the chain to have like an urban dwelling. On the left, those digging machines they look like in Beverly Hills, cop too when he goes to the scene of the gun exchange.

Film it is.

I think it's probably film. Anytime you need to be in Texas for any movie, they just should out here. But oil rig what do they do now?

They're still pumping oil?

Is oil still under there?

Oh?

Yeah?

Yeah, that's why it's so cheap in this town.

There's also there's oil in Beverly Hills. There's an oil direc like that at Beverly Hills High School.

So in a high school. Yeah, Like where do they get a kick back off the government?

There's no public transportation, Like that's good in Los Angeles because the oil companies own this town with Chinatown. Isn't that what China?

I've heard That's what I always heard, and I don't even I've never seen Chinatown, but I've heard the car companies try and are the reason there isn't public transit.

Yeah, there used to be trains that went from like downtown all the way to Santa Monica. The train tracks are still there, but they pulled them all out because the oil companies were, like ever getting everybody in cars.

So that's what's underground. There are like subway entrance things that are just fenced off and they're empty tunnels.

Then I think they were above ground from what I know. But this is this could all be made up.

There are also this could.

Be This is the research portion of our podcast.

Go ahead and look at.

The I heard this from a tiny little expert that is conjured and sitting on my shoulder currently. Oh, he says the most amazing Sorry now a version of him wearing a red lea, stared and holding a pitch for a talking.

He says, kill all the cats, kill the cat.

What's that have to do with fossil fuels, Yeah, we can.

You can burn them and then are a nice substitution. They're actually organic.

They are. It's just like fossil fuels because cats eat so many fish, like where they play a fish and just pull out bones. Oh, they're filled with the actual facile.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was probably a bad idea.

I like that.

Hey, don't look at me, look at the guy on my shoulder that's invisible.

Yeah, his catfish based human.

He writes exactly fifty percent of my jokes that.

You're mostly human from cartoons.

He also thinks that most humans turn into big steaming.

Hams when you're hunger.

But my favorite cartoon imagery is always big steaming hams when you're hungry. Yeah, eating a fish and coming out with all the bones intact, but also on a windowsil oh, yeah, floating towards it, hop pawn a window silk like the.

Smell is like a finger that goes under the cat and brings it towards.

Very disappointed with the lack of window sill based pies. I've seen you gotta go.

Out to the country for that where the hobos go.

Someone pretty recycle and I get some money for it.

My favorite would have to be when you walk off a cliff and then, realizing you don't have one, you pull out a sign that says, I wish this was a parachute, and then you of course fall after a pause.

Mid I like playing the piano all the way off the piano.

Oh that's great.

Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

Could you elaborate because I actually, well.

It's like when bugs Bunny becomes a concert pianists and just puts on white gloves and he plays and then it goes all the way up and then it just keeps going. His fingers keep going, but there's no more piano.

Keys, but there is still piano sound. Yes, that's my favorite as well, stuff like that.

Are we in a dodgy neighborhood yet? No?

No, No, that was just that one guy. That was actually just that one guy.

Across the border.

He actually played a murderer and in home Land. God, I'm gonna call back.

Yeah, it's not my laugh.

I always I think I know my laugh, and then sometimes my laugh will surprise me.

Yes, it's just.

A cartoon character that lives inside of your.

No, I've had that was the other thing I was going to say, Like food wise, U saying food's bad?

I thought Chipotle? Yeah, yeah, otherways like it is now I still at That's how I thought it was Chipotle.

I thought it was Chipotle at first.

One time I was in there and I heard of he was about five years old. Pronounce it better than me. Okay, yeah, I think it's Chipotle.

Is that why people go just to find don't guys, I'll have a number one and how the fun do you pronounce it? I thought it was like a kind of crap chain, but that I've heard from people in the last couple of days, it's like putting mcdonald'st business because it's got really high ethics.

And like it is McDonald's. It's the same parent.

Company it used to be and apparently isn't anymore.

Apparently they've got someone told me in the East Coast they closed one hundred stores because they they they're they're like farm hadn't produced the level they require, and they said, we won't serve the food.

Exactly they did. Their pork for whatever reason, was at a lower They're like, we found out they were feeding the pigs wrong, so we will not be serving pork. Yeah, that was an issue.

So McDonald's has nothing to do with I.

Think they used to do and now they don't. That's what i've heard again, like little guy on.

My shoulder, and I mean just yelling sell it, sell it.

We'll just pausing on the inflation.

Now. What I think is creepy about Chipotle is I lived in New York like four years ago, and everyone in New York were constantly talking about Chipotle, like we have to go there, let's go there for lunch. And I was always like, it's crappy and it has white rice, like it's that's not Mexican food.

Apparently the only thing that makes it unhealthy? Is the rice? Apparently the rice is just riddled with the chemicals. Yeah, bacon fat. I don't.

Well.

But then when I got back to California, like three years later, they start opening all the chains. Then I found myself going there all the time. And now I kind of love it, and I feel like it's it's chemical, Like it's not my choice. It's not good Mexican food, right.

No, it's the same reason I smoked cigarettes for twelve years. Chipotle proud sponsor rye.

Ye go get you some get addicted.

Do they really need the appetizing sounds of Chipotle?

Don't say it eat it?

Yeah, but no, I I thought, yeah, I like the sound of it.

I mean, you never know if it's pr or not, but I think that's good.

Yeah.

I did they care.

Yeah, I heard that they care too, and they were like I didn't hear that they were closing, but I heard they're like, no, that topping is not available right now because that's not up to our standards, which you don't hear from.

I don't hear that. In McDonald's. Someone told me they put beef in the chips in McDonald's, which is a funny, you know, when you hear that they do that, and there's like, how is there not a cheaper option.

In the or in the French fra?

Someone said that is I think Carl actually again, wow he read it somewhere.

I heard him say it, and so I.

Just thought, yeah, I just think it said there's nineteen ingredients in McDonald's f.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, and one of them is beef guys.

On a liquid level or something. So how is that like eyedropper of beef?

Yeah? Like how is that cheaper than just cutting up a potato?

Like?

I don't know? And why does the meat come out of a cocking gun at Taco Bell?

Yeah, I've never been to Taco bell as I would call it a taco bell. I've never been cro it doesn't It strikes me is that's that's definitely.

Worse than it is, and it is and I am from a young age. I was addicted to it like it was candy because I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I do have a taco tooth, okay, And that's why you don't see me smile in a lot of photos.

All that green let us hanging.

Out of your just a tiny taco.

For a tooth.

Well, my favorite story is out of Taco Bell, like four years ago they did they did a story that they found that their meat was like only forty beef and they didn't know what the rest of the substance was. And one of the things was sawdust. I swear to god, was it actually yes?

Oh my god, oh.

Wow, yeah, which I love. I just think that's I mean, you know it's bad when you're going there, but then when you actually find out what's really happening.

I mean the guy making that, like, like, at what point are you making.

That as a human being?

Thinking, like, I know there's moral jobs, but when you're putting dust in food, and when you're putting the stuff that most people try and get out of the house, and you're going that should go in this item.

In someone's mouth, you know, if you'll save some money in you're it.

You had a conveyor belt with twelve other workers, and your job specifically is just saw two bay four us and sprinkle, sprinkle the sprinkle the wood dust.

Tearing up newspapers and sprinkling.

I know that you have benefits, but are you spiritually fulfilled as a human?

I like to think that those guys maybe when you know their house is dusty, rather than be depressed, I think there's dinner time.

Let's add this to the recipe.

Children, gather's having dust.

For Tata's for dinner. I'm a little bit of an expert core ingredients.

No, I know why they hired this carpenter. Yeah, oh, this guy's squirrel. You know it's always a BMW.

It was a shipment.

Oh yeah, BMW arrogant do they drive? And the big big b and one in a big car is basically drives like an asshole. I mean drivers in this country. Fact, my favorite thing you guys do is like that BMW driver would probably happily put that car in a compact space. Oh yeah, you guys don't give a ship about that. I was driving a compact is because no one drives one, and then you'd see like a fucking stretch limo.

In it be.

You guys are so such polite people in this country, apart from like cliche, when you're in a.

Car, you're exactly everyone's an asshole and car in this town, I'm anole.

No one's thanks me. Like in the UK, if i'll pull over, let you go past.

Little hands say thanks, or a little flash of the lights that doesn't exist in this country.

No, no, well, because they probably won't let you in the first place.

Probably hang out with a pink wig guy to the least favorite people drivers.

Be really good under your skin.

I'm going to be talking about him for the rest of this.

It's just gonna just what if it turns out it with Steve Coogan's.

Dame and I said, way, Barry Humphries, my apologies to you.

If you're listening trying to have a weekend off.

He's got he's got adverts.

I mean, I don't know. His adverts are everywhere in town. They're like on every have you seen them, They're like, yeah, he's got it. Must have been doing his farewell tour on like roads like this, like more into town. That'll just be a pick on every lamp post.

There'll be a.

Picture in Wow, is it live? A live show?

Live show?

I always think will the novelty of just a guy in drag, But there's there's a mark like he'll never we're young, we're cutting edge comedians.

Certainly.

Yeah, it's it's still it is funny, to be fair, there's certain things that just will always inherently be funny.

Drag comedy is one of my favorite styles of comedy because it's people who have had it really hard are always funnier than the average person in my opinion, totally, and somebody that can stand a man standing up dressed totally like a woman is going to be hilarious. They're they're just going to be able to handle anything and be hilarious and have the best comebacks. My favorite the quickest.

We met him at this bar in London. It's called Cellar Door.

It's an old toilet public toilets and I have a small bar and they always have that drag acts.

So me and Hannah went there.

And there was such a good like he was like basically he didn't I didn't have a wig, but he was really kind of like Hella Dally and he was really nice to Hannah but basically just caned all the other women's clothing.

I was like, are you just a drag act so you can be mean to women and get away?

That's that vibe is Oh, I can't believe you came out like It's like if I said that, I'd get hit in the head. I like the idea of a guy fully committing just a shaving.

Estic drag queen. Yeah, it's the best, It's fantastic.

It's kind of all the fashion world.

Just talk a little shop here.

Let's talk some shop.

What's what's your airline?

Etty had Airways.

I don't think they're a real company, and I have to go through Abu Dabby assume. I think I've flown with them before. They're like kind of quite affordable long distance.

They're the southwest of Can I give you guys a little tip.

I'm going and I always do this now and I went vegan in January, But whether you're vegan or not, always ordered vegan mill on a flight because it will always be the best and you'll always get half done for everyone else. Oh really, because you know when they bring the food out the special requests people such as myself get it early, and and because sometimes when you order the meat, the one you want is gone if you're halfway down the plane.

Sure, so vegan. It's a little little Chris Martin tip for any travelers out there. Okay, well, may.

I think I will do that. Of course it's going to be more fresh, and they're on like doing.

Five exactly so I have no idea what these guys gonna be like. I'm gona be on there for fourteen hours. I hope good movies. I just flew Norwegian here.

That's the only way to pass the time. It's watched a bunch of movies that are edited down, movies that you would never have otherwise seen. With Bradley Cooper and them.

Nicholas Sparks novels turned into movies.

And a cab driver actually said he goes, oh, you look like Nicholas Cage and not actually goes Bradley Cooper and is it because I'm just wearing aviators And.

He was like, yeah, you have the glasses and the beard. I was like, yeah, that's that's.

Not how it lookalikes work, you have to bacially have some similarities.

I would first ask him if he had seen American snooper. Oh, here's a lot of cab drivers probably don't like that.

Yeah he was. He was. Actually I forgot what this guy was from. He was from Armenia. He's what.

I also like, what LA is like, You've got like you don't mess around with the names of the areas. So his career town it's like little Armenia is Hannah Evob town, and it's like like like we've got Chinatown. It's like so ho, It's it's still an eclectic mix peop obviously quite a lot of journeys. But as soon as you get into Koreatown, it's like, oh, this is where you have to be Korean.

Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, it's it's so odd that it is odd.

I don't I just have gotten used to it. But I don't know if that's a good thing.

The town, she said, it was like she's like driven into the front part of a marathon and it was just like long distance looking runners.

Like I was like, that's crazy.

And really good restaurants apparently, Yeah, everyone's and no one is holding a fork.

You have to eat with Yeah, they have like this spongy bread and your just eat with your hands and you're not on a chair, You're sitting on a pillow.

I love it.

It's very messy, very uncomfortable, very delicious.

That's it. It's not about you. Bet you'd have to queue outside for half an hour. Yes, club. So do you know which is a part of the airport I'm supposed to be.

There is an international part of the airport. It's like right in the coulder sack of the airport.

If you will, are you about? Are you collecting? It? Be good? If you collect another comedian on the way.

Back, would be so great, It would be great.

It's heart.

It has worked out that way before, but it's always cutting it so close because there's a delay or someone lands early. It's it's risky business.

Who have you got next?

Well, we haven't thought beyond you that you make a good bon vyage final episode.

This is the end of the year, specially in February.

We have one in the bank, Jake Johanson that'll be coming out tomorrow and then you will be coming out the following Monday.

Jay Johansen. Is he any relation to Pete Johanson? Who is it? No?

But I know Peter Hansen. He's hilarious, he's great.

Yeah, his wife and my fiance are very good friends. They actually set us up. So shout out. Yeah. He's from Canada, right, he is from Canada.

You haven't seen him in yours.

Very funny to Canada often, Chris.

Uh not since I was fifteen. So I'm going to go with rarely on that one.

When you're fifteen, you're probably like a future I was.

I was closing shows.

I got really caught up in drugs and stuff, and I've just started to rebuild my career.

At the age of twenty, I basically ripped.

Some crisps up at a party, left and commercials.

It was a real person. It was wearing a wig. Now, now I know why you have such strong opinions about wigs.

And how you're supposed to act.

I want, I want because you might have some other comedians in town and maybe LA based people listening. Yes, if they're a part in a guy with a wig, say nice wig and see if it's maybe just one of those things that is really frowned upon in the wig wearing.

Community, you know, just in general, say nice wig.

Just say it to a guy that's actually bob.

It's hard, is that what you said?

Had? Yeah? Yeah, that one name going to the right bit great.

B okay cool.

I guess maybe like if you said nice hair to someone, that would just sound riddled with sarcasms. So like, yeah, I was actually I was being Maybe it's in my accent, I don't know, but he's English.

If anyone's gonna understand you, it should have been that pink wigged asshole call fu.

We all hate him.

I hate that guy.

I don't even have to meet him or see him. I want to kick him in the face.

Well, there's nothing worse than should I just pull over here?

This might be funny form of like sort of just like negative stereotyping, to just hate all men in pickworks, all white men and pick works.

I think it's that times we're here.

We are here, and this is the point, Chris, by the way, just as enjoyable to have you on my podcast as it wants to be on your it's you're you're terrific fun to talk.

Thanks man, thank you having on podcast.

We have a and we can't not do our sign off, but it involves us honking, and there's.

No way you can do it like the meant to be.

That's the point where I utilize my mouth worn yes, because this I'm not gonna do your guys, this family, I can tell they're quick to violence.

I think I don't want to story type. I think they might be on my flight.

Yeah, well they're definitely going to go to an emirate of some sort somewhere.

Thank you, Chris Martin for being under you need.

Us have a good trip.

Thank you so much, the best of trips.

And what will you tell everybody the name of your podcast so you can be ours.

It's really subtlely titled.

Carl Donnay and Chris Martin Comedy podcast is on the Old Things Comedy website as well.

And if you live in the Australia area, Chris will be any go on down to Brisbane or Melbourne. I've never been there. You know Brisbane it sounds like a hit man that would wear a lot of sweatsuits. And check out Chris. It's going many. He's terrific. You've been listening to Do you need a ride? D y n A R.