Ep. 4 - Myq Kaplan

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a termino and Gaby aid. We want to send you off InStyle.

You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about.

Every scared he was? It fine? Now porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Right with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride?

I'm Chris Fairbanks, I'm Karen Coilgaroff.

Karen is uh, she's doing a U turn right now?

Is it here?

I'm looking at our It is here. We are here to pick up Mike Kaplan at Hollywood Center Studios, and uh, I believe he's recording the program at midnight, and we're gonna grab him and take him to l a X where he has a flight. We don't have much time. I don't cut it this close with my flights.

I think this is incredibly exciting as an episode, not only because it's a it's a pick up drop off.

Usually were a pick up.

So far off, so far we've been and I'm glad you differentiated between a pickup drop off and a pickup pause pause drop off. Usually we are picking people up at L e X and dropping them off at home. This time we're picking them up at an actual a gig of employment, a.

Real Hollywood event, the at midnight show.

I don't know why there aren't spotlights crossing in the sky right now, and there's a beautiful full moon for.

It, a huge moon.

It would be beautiful if there was. If there was right now some spotlights crossing and that moon. I don't see one reason Batman wouldn't show up.

Maybe that's why there's not spotlights caressing.

You don't want to accidentally summon the supernatural Ben Affleck, the lesser known actor too, the most forgettable of Batman, and that is who flies out your mouth.

You don't up like out the mouth.

You don't want that. I mean, it'd be bad enough. Just if Chris O'Donnell showed up, h the less popular Robin Okay, what if.

He took a limo out to this car. That'd be so awesome.

It would be great because we would see we can see from here across the street, here at Hollywood Center studios the exit door. It would be great to see Mike Kaplan get into a limo and then drive over to us, kind of like a one of those short range gunfights in Naked Gun.

You know what I was going to say is it'd be something you would see in a Steve Martin movie. Yeah, yeah, very just very finger on the pulse of what it is to live in Los Angeles and how we don't walk and how stars want to be stars.

And specifically the Steve Martin movie La Story.

La Story, Yeah, where the people would walk up and get the money out of the atm, and then the one guy.

Would walk up and oh, yeah, Hi, I'm going to be a Robert Today.

There's so much, so much much parody that in that movie that I can really relate to now because I live here.

We're both so distracted because it's so anticipating Mike Kaplan getting into this car that it's hard to focus.

And I'm excited for you to be driving, Karen, because in the past I've driven in it is distracting to talk and think and drive all at once. Usually I'm just thinking and driving. Sometimes I'm just driving, which it's important a lot of times Karen and I have words of advice or wisdom for you. It's important to think while driving.

Yes, please definitely think with your brain. Use that brain.

Try not to be in an ambient trance. That happens a lot with people driving.

They's a lot of people. They'll be driving their vehicle and they're trying to use their passenger's brain. Yep, it's important to use your brain while driving.

Yeah, it's bad to do it the other way.

Those guys snuck up on me and I thought they were trouble.

But no, just turns of their audience members.

The midnight show at midnight A show, a show. Neither of us stunt? Am I right?

No, no, I don't do TV anymore for me.

Yeah. Yeah, they haven't been knocking down my door either, but you know what, they hardly go door to door anymore. Running here comes by Kaplin. He has got luggage. Yes, he's got what appears to be snacks for us. Oh, gift, he's got a gift bag. He dove into traffic. He basically leapt into traffic. He's getting in on one side.

Look at him doing it for himself.

He knows exactly.

Hello, I Mike, sure, absolutely, he.

Got recognized on the street.

You fans.

That was great. You have fans Earlier we thought those guys working a mug us.

Hey, thank you, Mike.

How are you.

I'm great. Sorry, I'm a little lad. It went a little long.

It's quite all right. It's uh. We have an airport to get.

You to go. I won.

Yay, that's great. I didn't know there was winners and losers on that show. I guess that reveals. That reveals that I haven't watched much of it.

I mean, it's just everyone who plays is a winner, and everyone who doesn't watch is a loser.

Well that's right, good star. All you have to do to not be a loser is watch.

That was MERV Griffin's first slogan, I believe.

Do you know MERV Griffin wrote the theme songs to Wheel of Fortune in Jeopardy?

Yeah?

What did you know? The guy who did the voice for Tigger also invented the artificial heart?

What is that true?

The wonderful thing about the guy who invented the artificial.

Art, His artificial arts are wonderful. Yeah, oddly enough, the original fake heart the top was made out of rubber. Yeah, yeah, that's how they installed it.

It was a slinky. It's really it didn't work.

It was just a pig valve stuffed into a slinky originally.

On the outside of a piglet valve.

Piglet valve.

So when do we start the podcast?

We are?

We are at now?

I can't have any of that going out.

I have this. I have this zoom recorder. You're on channel two. Oh yeah, are you familiar with these things?

Oh yeah, I've seen them all over the place.

You uh, your voice, You're you're more vocal and may I'm gonna turn down your mike.

You sound like you're getting a little horse. Have you been talking a lot? Are you been very busy? You know?

This is actually I'm getting out of. This is the getting better phase of my I started coming down with something about a week ago and I was a little sick, and then I went to Bridgetown and yelled the after parties. Then came back to LA and I was like, oh, I have to go on TV and a podcast and so get that throat coat.

Did you were you at the parties yelling everyone please stop drinking so much?

Yeah?

I was trying.

How was Bridgetown this year?

I was?

I missed it.

It was really fun.

I mean it was fun for me and ways that it might not have been fun for everybody else, like they had fun. Also, but I tried DMT for the first time.

What's that?

It's a drug that exists in your brain, but not as much as I took. And also in the Amazon rainforest in the form of ayahuasca.

Oh yes, I've heard of ayahuasca.

Oh yes, what?

Sorry?

Does that something you do at the after party or like in a hotel room with pillows all.

Around exactly a hotel room with pillows all around. It'll last fifteen minutes. But you go to a far away place and you come back immediately.

Where did you go?

Some sort of.

Ancient biblical kind of hieroglyphic like themed like look up, look up on the internet, like pictures of art, like art that people create because they've like, like I should get become a painter so I can show people what I saw, but that it sort of disappears like a dream.

Also, and they you can they kind of tell you that you're going to go to a place.

Yeah, it's scary and feels like dying.

Also, Oh, oh you think that.

I think the idea is that.

Your brain when you do die floods with DMT, so you do get all of these, so you feel like you're traveling. All the information is swirling around you. You feel like you're not in the same place. You're bigger, you're smaller, you're everything right, and you're afraid, but then you're okay, and then you're dead.

Oh my god, crazy to say no more. I'm you're in Sign me up.

Let's sear it on our drive.

Oh yeah, yah, I got some right here.

What are you putting in my mouth?

I'm going to ancient Israel.

My life is already passing before me. I skipped the whole.

Art part, so Bridgetown and other dimensions were great.

Oh that's great.

Wait, so sorry, you don't have to implicate anybody, but like, did you do it?

Because people were there, pressure and everyone was doing it.

I've been wanting to do it for a while and my buddy, a comedian who I don't think would mind that he talks about.

How he loves it as well, has done it a double digit number of times.

Shane Moss. Oh yeah, he's a guy that would Also.

He's a great guess Jane, Okay, second, yeah, I thought Shane Moss. He's someone that has uh not, he's he's stopped drinking.

Yeah, he no longer drinks, but he does places in his mind. Okay, well that's I should do that too.

And then they have these things here where it's you pay and it's like a sweat lodge and there's a leader and the guide you.

And oh yeah, I think you can have.

So the way that we did the d MT is we smoked it and then it lasts a very short amount of time. You can do it in a way where it lasts like four and a half hours in a tea ceremony and you have like a shaman leading you in a group of people.

And I know people who have done that as well, and I'd like to do that.

But it's also yeah, so it's it's like a tea party, except you're tripping surrounded by stuffed animals.

It's like the tea party with stuffed animals.

Yes, it's like the Boston tea Party.

Politics people the last people you'd want to drop any kind of drug with, or.

The tea party, the party muppets political me Elmo.

Such a bummer.

So in that sorry, the you do you smoked it so it just was a quick one. Yes, that's truly fascinated by this.

Oh yeah, we can talk about other things, but I can also talk about it.

Well, just because do you I feel like coming out on the other side, did you have some kind of like, oh my god, everything is different now.

Feeling, you know, not with this like I've done other things, like mushrooms.

Were my first drug.

Love sure, like tried pot, didn't love it, tried mushrooms. I'm like, oh, yes, of course this everything all different, got it. We're all part of the same universe thing all you know, everything will die, but okay, and.

It makes you okay with dying because I need to do it. Then yeah, I like, yeah, definitely, I don't want to die.

Oh no, it'll be fine. You'll just be you remember when you were not born yet?

Yeah no you don't.

Oh right, yeah, so it'll just be like that.

It'll just suck up until the moment.

Yeah, maybe you'll be afraid, but eventually you'll be not afraid.

Right. So you're saying when we died, nothing happens in our spirit since to exist.

I didn't say that. I just said it's the same as before you were born.

Oh, Okay, well I don't remember what that was.

Like, that's what I'm saying.

You just forget oh because I's a frog. Yeah all right, so when you're dead, you're a frog. Okay, I got you.

Then you just get somebody to kiss you and your prince. Oh that's hell where reincarnation?

So this is a Disney drug?

Oh yeah, yeah, exactly, it really did. It does appear very cartoonishly. It did to me like the swirling symbols were very bright colored and uh, disnified in a way.

Wow.

That's and do you remember any of the symbols or was it just like general?

I can't now tell any I mean like there was I did for a little while think Shane was the devil. I was like he was like, just stay down, just stay there, don't open your eyes. And I'm like, he's trying to help me, because if you open your eyes, you do just come out of it.

Oh wow, you can't keep your eyes closed.

Oh that's okay, fascinating.

Otherwise he becomes the devil. Uh no, no, So you just did this at an after party.

That was four in the afternoon.

Wow, hotel room.

And then did you do set that night? Oh?

Yeah, it did three sets that night.

Oh and how did it? Do you think it affected your comedy in any way?

You know, it didn't.

I thought about talking about it, but it really not that it didn't affect me at all, because I still wanted to process it. But usually when I do mushrooms, I'll do it like in the morning, and then it'll last, you know, until the afternoon, and then I'll go get dinner, and then I'll go to a show and I'll still be like a little not buzzed from the mushrooms, but confident about everything that I thought when I was on them. I'll go tell an audience here's what I discovered today,

Of the rest of it is like, okay, comedy.

Wow, nice, that's terrific.

And then half of that and then I keep going.

So so you would do it, and then did you like write things down?

No, I didn't write anything for the DMK. I should have.

I could keep it like you can talk while you're doing it, like Shane, would you can have your eyes closed, but like Auditorily, you can. We listened to like this trippy like a band writes music specifically.

For DMT trips.

Oh your kidding.

I forget what band it is, but if you look up, they have a song called DMT and it's meant to be perfectly timed. So that and it's the idea is like if you listen to stuff, Shaan was saying, if you listen to stuff that you understand and know and expect what it's gonna be like, then that'll shape your trip in ways that don't you know that aren't as legitimate because you'll be hearing the song and knowing what's coming.

But then when you had that fear of that he was the devil, was there a rational part of your mind that was like just roll with it.

Yeah, I was like, I trust Shane, he's my friend. But then I was like, but why how do we really know anybody?

You know myself? Why did I do this? Yep?

Definitely there was some of that whoa, See, I'm someone that gets paranoid for no reason. Oh, then I have trouble with you. I have trouble with marijuana.

Oh, I don't. I'm not a huge fan of marijuana. Okay, yeah, me either.

Yeah, but but marijuana, I mean it, it just makes me think I should check my bank account, maybe I should call my mother. Are you a cop? That kind of that kind of paranoia, But it is I've also enjoyed it, Okay, I don't.

I don't like doing it with a lot of people around, like at a party, because it just sort of slows my brain down. I will, I'm fine to do it like with one friend, like watching something I don't care, right.

Yeah, I gotcha.

That's like you.

And I remember when I rolled that what I thought was a split at that house party The Power of Violence.

Guys had that house party last summer, and.

I basically I thought it was just like a little light you know, pot. Oh sure, pot cigarette, very very passing mile just Chris and I.

Like it was the seventies.

Literally four minutes later, we're both staring at each other and I was like, I think I've went too much fought in this cigarette. And then we just kind of split apart and remember that. And then I had to talk to some guy about his soccer team for twenty minutes before I could come back down.

Yeah, that's the other thing about being high. I don't know how to stop other people from talking.

I cling.

I clung to that guy, was like, he saved my life. I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown.

To do drugs properly, you have to know what the drugs are if you haven't done them before, Like do them with I think fewer people, somebody who knows what they're doing, some sort of you know, shaman or guru type and like.

Or at least Mike Mike Myers in some kind of costume exactly.

Cat hat you.

Hours is fine would be the worst of.

It, maybe, yeah, I mean, but at least with the cat in the hat, everything would be all a flutter in your head and then it would be fixed right at the end.

That's right, you know, it would be clean. Is so nice?

But yeah, you definitely like if you don't, if you haven't enjoyed a drug, then don't do it around lots of people.

Like do it in a controlled environment. Certainly nature is good.

Certain people, that's right, or like in a like in a moving car, which I just only said that because I want to remind people that we're in a Honda Honda. Usually we're in a Honda.

That's right, Accord, We're in Karen's Honda fit.

Yeah, yeah, how did you do that? Hondas Honda is of course a sponsor of our podcasts Fanda or we Wish, We Wish the Spondon and you gave me Mike at least eight different opportunities to pick you up in podcast in the car this week? Why were you in and out of town so frequently?

One and a half weeks ago, I flew to la because Brody Stevens, who does warm up for at Midnight, has gone embarked upon the little tour. I have been going into fill in for him as the warm up guy there when he's been out of town. So I flew out here a week and a half ago, did the full week of warm up, then went to Portland for the bridge Down County Festival. I flew in, flew to Bridgetown, flew back, and now I'm flying back to New York because I'm done with this week, because I've

It's not always like that for you. You travel a considerable amount.

I do some well planned routing sometimes.

Yes, yes, but this is basically for that to pick up a cool job.

Oh yeah. And also fortunately bridge Down like I love.

I've been a bridge Down at least four or five times, and it is so much fun.

It is the funnest. I decided consciously not to go this year or I.

Forgot to, so it's one or thefic.

Just I just took that this year off.

Did you hear about the somebody took the bridge Town like they basically kind of stole the name, made a new Twitter handle or got a Twitter feed going and pretended that they were Bridgetown.

No, but nothing.

They were doing was like no one noticed until they started saying that there was going to be they were going to give out comedy awards. And I saw that and I thought it was from the real Bridgetown. I was like, that's kind of lame to give out awards, Like, how do they even know it's only two days in.

Yes, and the whole thing was fake and they set it up way in advance.

I don't know. I only heard it through Andy Wood's Twitter feed. That made me laugh.

A great idea or a dumb one, I'm not sure which.

I think.

It's obviously comic. That is bitter in l A.

A lot of people are paying attention to who's going to Bridgetown and who isn't and if they don't get in, they kind of want revenge.

That's weird and what better way? Yeah, it is weird.

Well, it's like acting like you'll never get in, like if you don't get in the first time.

You try or whatever, like you're just never going to So fuck it.

Bit first you don't succeed, start a fake Twitter cry yet Twitter.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Well, I'm My one big drug experience was at a bridge Town No, it was mushrooms, but we were looking for that after party and.

You found all the party.

Yeah, we found the party in our head. There was a DJ. He was next to my ear drum.

Dj ear Drum was his name.

Oh yeah, it's very definitely named the ones and dudes wear my ammor and hammer and anvil hammer and handvill.

You know if you I'm gonna get off here, scramble the letters and ear drum you murder.

Now there's a language school on the right. I'm gonna go to it.

Uh.

Anyway, we the driver turned on the train track. Ah, and uh he thought that you could ride drive along on them, thinking that we would clear them, like it.

Was some places. That's true, maybe yeah.

And this like if it was paved on either side of the tracks.

Oh yeah, but this was like a bridge and it was you were just falling.

Yeah yeah, would you care for water?

Thanks?

And uh so the tires bleue and we were wedged into the tracks and you're on mushrooms. We're all on mushrooms. The driver included me and a shape. Yeah. And and I can't remember the dude driving. He's a nice guy. I a comedian. Yeah.

I was picturing like a chauffeur, like a limo driver. Driver please.

We were in a Honda Civic.

Miss Daisy, who's driving because it's the reverse. I don't know the other guy's name.

Yeah, yeah, we were Jessica Tandy was driving. She took it very well for an older woman on mushrooms. But we were wedged in there, and so I ran around and finally found the party and oh, there's a homeless guy in the street. I was gonna maybe get a few words from him.

Nope, A good idea.

If he didn't do that.

It's a funny idea to pretend.

Anyway, I made it to the party. I grabbed twenty five people and said, Colm, now someone's on the track. These were active tracks. There was lights floating and stuff attractive. Yes, it was not very attractive, and I give myself a beat. And so we were lifting it off and then the cops came and had their weapons drawn, and yeah, because why because the train showed up and they're gonna shoot it. They were gonna shoot us until the cops said what I thought, you guys were up to something bad, until

Depending on their type of comics.

A couple of girls and poodle skirts.

There's a dad comic in a Sweater's.

A dad guy with a mustache, an American man playing. Yeah, it was it was, It was Cosby Seinfeld, ball Riser. Yes, all those Bridgetown gets, some huge eighties.

Comedian comedians carrying.

Cars away from drains.

Yeah, so you are heading back to New York for now or you're yes, New York tonight to tomorrow.

Then I go to Boston on Friday, and that's just to go home.

Check on your car in Brooklyn and pay your cat exactly. You do have a cat, right, I don't have a cat. Well, try and see you in your neighborhood. There's a cat.

To bet there are cats.

I find that. Have you seen cats speaking of New York long time ago? Yes, yeah I haven't. While it was on Broadway, I haven't seen. Uh do they have an off Broadway cats? It's just got it's just they do about it.

Broadway cats and it's just cats.

Yeah, it's just cats in an alley. It's just a famous Delhi very nice.

I was drinking water.

I was the only way you could be so.

Chris, Yeah, I'm glad.

I'm happy. I want to just thank you at the midway point for being on a podcast having me here.

Can I oh sorry, Oh.

No, we aren't going to like deli.

No, no deli Deli.

Oh of course.

It's from before. It was a long time. You tried to do it.

You wanted revenge. You you couldn't.

Sit with my deli. No do a new Deli.

I well I had Papa new Guinea ahuasca.

Right now, it feels like, no, it's true.

I'm just trying to I do you guys?

Everyone walking like an Egyptian.

Bangle bangles?

Oh, I think that.

That's you can buy bangles at the Delli. Oh of course you can't.

Everything bangles, Yeah, everything that'd be.

You have to be real careful.

It's like you wish I'm the Genie's lamp, like I want everything bagels, and they hear everything bangles and then you're.

No covered in seeds.

With your and I'll have it with your combination locks. It's cheese and hummus. You guys.

You guys, listen.

When people are rattling off puns and then and then there's some uppity word comic that's that things puns are lower form of art name.

An uppity word comic like a oh.

You know you're kind of a some some kind of well, then I have to say names.

I didn't think.

I didn't think you're really I just.

Know that I always looked up to the Paula F. Thompkins. But one time, and I had a really pun heavy act at the time, he said, puns are the worst form of comedy. I think I'd like to think that for a minute. He forgot that I I had a few of them.

I mean, it was nicer than him saying you are the worst for comedy, right right, He didn't say that.

No, My mom used to always say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.

Yeah, right, Yeah, that's not that doesn't make any sense at all.

It doesn't at all. It's like it's very it's very high status. Mother.

Maybe she just she didn't like it when forms of comedy were used against.

Her, yes constantly, and with eye rolling.

Yes, sarcasm. He has a great form of comedy. But when you use it with eye rolling against your mother, it suddenly it'll blow up right, slow brow, slow brow.

Suddenly all those outfits from close Time aren't rolling in the way they used to.

Oh, look at Mike. Bet there he went to sleep.

He went right away.

I was listening to your story, he said, trembles. I was participating a listening.

Did you know that Mike was such a druggy.

Yeah, it's like he talked and then went right to sleep, like a drug man.

I'm still talking. Did you turn my mic off?

Why are you sweating and trembling that.

You picked up by your mics. There's no way you could not hear.

Me talking about a dragon.

Keep mentioning these dream creatures.

It's impossible that this is making sense to anybody. Am I on drugs?

Oh?

My god? Didn't you ever about that?

If you burn fat?

That has this U stepping to hippies all the time, they'd have acid stored in their fat from when they did it, like in the sixties, and then like years later they'd lose weight, burn the fat, and redose themselves with the acid in their patty.

I like that.

Yeah, it's like a reward for exercise.

Isn't that the best in acid? Fat back?

Yeah?

Man? Or acid flash back fat?

Yeah, acid flash backfat, yes. I like it.

I like it.

Each way it got done.

I liked it The best way to revisit Woodstock is at me for our fitness foodstock. I've always said that it is important to stock up on food.

Get back.

There's the drug apocalypses.

It's coming.

This is an interesting route you've chosen, Karen. Is this is this Los Sianga all the way?

Yeah?

Wow, I go right on, Stalker.

You do this, you do that sometimes.

I did it this morning to return my rental car because I didn't want to return it tonight.

Because I'm in this car.

Well, I we appreciate you changing another portioneer. Wait, you went all the way with you with your rental car? Yep, dropped it off.

Had a friend picked me up coming from the other direction, and we were going to hang out and this.

Was all, Well, you wanted to hang out with that friend too, So that's you were going to hang out with or I return the car for us, didn't you. I did Molly with that friend the other night, Okay, not today today.

It was a TV day.

Now. Mollie's where you dip your finger in the blue stuff.

You know, it was pill form And I've done it a couple of times and I don't feel like it affects me either. I've done with me too that I care about, and I'm always just having a good time and I'm a positive person regardless.

Okay, me too.

Yeah, that's it.

I did it with a bunch of friends of Coachella, and I had to pretend yeah.

I was like, oh, yeah, we're having a great time.

They were all riding on a magic carpet and I was like.

Yeah, me too.

Well, everyone's face is so colorful, and I'm just lying and kind of annoyed with Grizzly.

Bear, like that no soap radio joke, you know that where you're just supposed to laugh at it, and then people who don't know it are supposed to just feel bad.

That's been a nice joke.

That's a terrible prank that happened to me when the I tried ecstasy and I was totally braced for some crazy experience and the only feeling was a tingly scalp.

Yeah, oh wow, that was That was it.

And everyone else was like, I'm tripping.

Out because save money and bought a bottle of desine. Taking care of this problem of people would say, head and shoulders, is it weird that our backs are to you? I mean, that's how a car works. Would I think it would be weird if you were looking at me driving backwards?

Do you think car?

And I'm a passenger like you though? Just your advice being a podcast person.

Oh you could have been in the back, I understand.

Yeah, yeah, I could have been back to that.

But it's that kind of freeing to be able to you're back there in the dark. You can say what you want.

Yeah, I didn't know. I think I don't think either way would be bad. If you were back here, I'd have been like, makes total sense?

And are you do you know anything about these zoons? Am I doing this right? I have no idea. If you're doing it, I feel I am. I think this probably sounds terrific.

We'll find out otherwise. Come get me on Sunday.

What is the name of your podcast, Mike?

My pod guest is hang out with me?

And is it just you or do you have a partner?

I hosted and then I always have I generally have two guests, and sometimes I have three guests. But it's on the Keith and the Girl Network. Do you guys know those guys? They're great. They they're a band of Mary pranksters.

And they have a, they have a they have an extended library. They do. There's a lot of people that have podcasts on their network.

And no, I just mean the word library. I see your joke and lower its keep figure up dot com slash hanged. I've done it twice. One time with Henry phill Henry Henry Phillips out here right, I call him Henry Henman Phillips.

And uh time with the Howard, the Kate.

Man Kramer and man I was he was in bridge Town. We had I had him on my Mi Caplin and Friends show.

It was a super duper one. Yeah. Yeah, Henry is so great. Oh my god, So let's get him.

Yeah, let's get in.

Let's get him out of here.

Let's go get him and bring him to your flight.

Oh yeah, he's gotta have a ship gig coming up in Peoria or something there. He's my friends, so I can right on. Yeah it does Peoria, so I'm rasping them.

I like performing in Peoria.

I played the college in Peoria once.

There's a how many jukeboxes? Yeah yeah, it's a fun one. Yeah. I always ever between each joke.

I like to go B twenty seven, like it's a track that I've that I've paid for that is coming up in my own head. So I'm the jukebox and yeah, I would have said B twenty seven. I said H twenty seven.

Yeah H.

Then it's bing.

Bing oh.

Ubb.

It's a thinker.

Hubbingo if you want, it's like if you put an H and bingo the worst place to put it b I n h g O bing b I n h g O.

Guys, you have the right to that.

Just so you know.

Right now all music is cleared. That was why it took so long for Karen and I to come out with a podcast. We had to pay with all for all music.

We played fifteenth of dollars to use. Bingo was his name, and it was worth it.

We paid Oh the Beatles Library.

Really, Oh no, that's gonna pay off. It's gonna pay off.

It's gonna make it when.

You drive Michelle Balloon to the airport and we can fade out with Michelle, my bill, amazing Miche We are right now it's Sentinela and Latierra. I feel like there's people who like to follow this podcast. As we drive became we came down down highland people people.

Don't really care.

We'd like to know.

We like to do traffic down Highlands.

It dropped me off onto Librea, lower Librea. Yeah, then we took that all the way out, crossed over on Stalker.

Yeah sentence Latierra. I'm not sure.

And Karen, can I just say right now, you're driving very well as someone that almost died in a Honda fit. You've made me feel comfortable this.

Oh good, because I have hit the brakes hard a couple of times and I really apologize.

Uncomfortable back here.

Yeah, you're okay.

Great.

He's taken three or four naps, Mike.

No, I've been away the whole time.

I can't see you.

Mike. That's not how a car works.

I understand.

What if it was one of those circle cars.

All the kind that rotates in the middle.

Yeah, like the people have you know on Silicon Valley they were having meetings on that bike.

Oh yeah, do you love Silicon Valley.

I'm a little behind, but I've watched like three or four episodes, I think three, and I love it and I love those guys. One of my friends from Boston who writing on that show.

Oh wow, that's so Coolbosky. He's doing a great job.

Good work, Rob job, everyone is jo.

Your episode that I don't know, messing up Rob Turbotsky's name just made as all tickle.

You really pulled one over on the old turbots.

It's okay, terrific, wonderful and sorry there that was. That was one of the famous breaking I.

Am going to have to hit the brakes at a certain points.

Oh yeah, I can't.

I mean try to be light about it.

Imagine if you didn't, what a trip that would be.

It would be amazing.

Green lights, no cars. Yeah, my song is over.

So tell tell us about this next gig you're doing.

They where I'm going.

Yeah, I'm going to Boston, to Boston perform on the b U, the Boston University Alumni graduation weekend show Breag Fitzsimmons does every year. Oh wow, I am a Boston University alum and he is also wow.

Can I can I also tell you in between now and then?

In fact, I don't know if it's right now or if it's in an hour from now, but on Thursday May fifteenth, I don't know.

I hope you don't mind that I'm date stamping what you're doing. That's as of this.

Recording Thursday May fifteenth is when my new special comes out on Netflix. That's great, and Tuesday it'll be on iTunes. It's called Small, Dork and Handsome.

Small I like you, so it's you're the It's I am all comma dork, Comma comma and handsome. That's how I thought. Yeah, that's how most people thought.

It was. Yep, just verifying and validating.

I'll all waste a little time to clarify.

Let's just make sure.

I mean, let's not it's a podcast. There's no situation that's definitely given. Was I confused? Or do you also have a comedy album that has come out recently?

I had an album come out in two thousand.

What's what?

Here's this? This is twenty thirteen, fourteen.

No, I do that too. Yeah, I don't know. No one's gonna make fun of you. And let's unless they haven't written a check in a while. We all do it. We all do it. Don't attack Mike right now. Dare's for thinking that's two thousand.

It was a stupid mistake.

He's a smart person. Smart thanks for defending me any really, Yeah, it was a really stupid mistake, but he's a very smart man. It's a little given people that it's a little.

It's just like a punch, Give a punch.

Hey, that punch tickles.

By the first time I heard people having sex, I looked at my dad and I'm like, what is that? He said, just a little poking tickle.

I'm pleased as the punch.

Why were together?

We were in a hotel room. It's the neighbors. It was Vegas.

Everyone was doing it.

Circus circus Babies, Circus Circus Baby, tellysavalas.

Who right now?

We're on Sepulvida.

Yeah, is that where we're pulvis the bees. I couldn't do that.

I couldn't do it.

I broke. I couldn't do it. But yeah, Chris, I want to answer your question.

Yes, I did put out an album in twenty thirteen called Meat Robots, Yes, on Comedy cent Records. Yeah, that's the one I'm already from.

I guess you have last year. This is new, new, different thing.

The New Thing was an album, but it's your new specially.

It is also an album. That's what happens now.

It's on Netflix and then it's also on iTunes and all downloadable.

Is it a self produced new wave produced?

It new wave wave is doing a lot of great specials these days.

They've been doing a lot of stuff with comedy since their music has kind of gone out of style.

Oh yeah, they have really pop.

Up their music in the eighties. Yes, I know, and like Seagulls really took off.

But oh, we're not talking about comedy anymore.

No, no new wave music.

I'm astin, you know, like I don't understand what's happening. We're talking about one thing, but it seems like we're talking about it different than sheyboard driven. I don't get when poppy me board I only speak linearly. I only know one and then twoub driven.

She said one three area he has one two three, Oh I got there, we go.

You know what Jackson five really wasn't considered new wave three five.

I don't know actually what new wave is, so I had to do what I could. Really, that's the long are you?

Are?

You being totally serious? And I don't know what new waver I mean, I know.

It's like eighties new wave music.

I wasn't really listening to music in the eighties your.

Depeche Mode, what were you doing?

I'ming around and so being a one digit age person oh man, here's what I listened to in the eighties.

My friends listened to bon Jovi and what is it?

Guns and Roses? Yeah, of course I almost had gone with the roses.

Frankly, I don't give a damn if you did a scar like Carly, I got it.

Oh man, oh fives everybody.

Yes.

So I didn't really listen to music until nineteen ninety one when I got my first disc man or maybe ninety Walkman and disc Man ninety ninety.

Guess what your first album was, go ahead ninety one. It had to be Red Hot Chili, Pepper's Blood Sugar sex Man.

Fine guest, not correct?

Yes?

Please?

Was it a belt devote John?

Also a fine guest?

Sevin Campbell.

I don't know.

I know that name, but I had not at all. No bad guess was it? And there's a fine young Cannibals. Nope, the candlebo I bought five candlebox also close. There are like four or five albums that you have to Nirvana. Nirvana is one of the first ones I got. Okay, uh, Pearl Jam ten No, but I do like that.

I got it recently. Yeah, we're on Delta by the way.

Oh, Delta we are approaching lax passing the.

Will they figure it out? Will they make the guests properly? Will I tell them tune in right.

Now, don't tune out? Basically is what we're saying.

It was the Bonnie Rate Greatest Hits album.

You know a song I love Lovers?

Will?

I think you know that song by Bonnie Yeah? I think it's Bonnie Rate.

I could be making it up, but it's on the soundtrack called Playing by Heart.

Oh sing a little bit?

Wow, Nope, my voice is gone. I can't do it.

But no, his voice is gone. You know?

You know lovers will do I'll do almost any.

Thing for the thrill that only love can bring. How do I know love is a healer?

The first ones is lover is will lovers will start?

Not be Bunny Rate.

I'm starting to think I don't know a lot of Bonnie Rates. Camelot, give us something to talk about. There, we did you hear that next to us?

That's the fun thing about Mike. Well you're back there.

Feel free to yell at other cars.

Got it budget? I want that car to move. I'm like budget. It's well car budget.

He said that because it was a budget rental car shuttle van a visual joke. Okay, here we go, we are and you're departing, are we right?

Yes?

I am.

Karen. Come on, you do that every time? You should do that every time. Is so great.

The only thing we do every time is mentioned acclamore I talk about and Taco Bell, proud sponsor. We passed at this time because there was Taco Bell near where we were picking you up. So maccals they don't drop us because frankly they've been paying the bills. And it's not with a cocking gun full of squawk, it's a walking gun.

It's with the other I must call it that. Why would they not call it that.

It's like you're a world tailor. You just come in and pull the two things together. And so the to be I do too. Never thought about it, think about it like that sometimes.

Will do pass by a place the other day that was a store that was called so l A s e w l A.

Oh wow, loved it. This is l.

Oh.

I like that.

And there's just a bunch of.

Eating disorders trying to sew stuff so that they eat things.

And it is so La.

I had the name for a salon and I'm having trouble remembering it, so I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, but I do.

Oh it's okay, wordplay one.

Oh, and mention your airline again, Delta. Okay, we're trying to get them as a sponsor, and called you're flying with them.

Do you know Zach Sherwin? You know my friend?

Sure?

Yeah.

He has a song, an old song called Wu Tang Clones where I don't have time to get into all of it, but he had. He mentioned some pun hair places like hair Force.

One.

The main attraction mine was I remember up and die. We will die for you? Yeah, we will, and they dye your hair. But you did you at the end, curl up and die. Uh kind of took the wind out of my sales.

Apologies.

Well, I know you didn't do it on purpose.

You didn't mean it. So, guys, do you want to hear the albums I bought?

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Number one with a bullet with many bullets, Cypress Hill.

Black Sunday, Oh goddamn, right.

Number two.

Song saying do you want to hear the fake Cybertail song that Zach and I made up?

Yeah? Would like Mexican gangs. You're kind of thank you, Len Shank. I can't do all the voices right now, but that's the idea. Do you want to hear my my Latin themed? Uh? Please spoof of give me the Knight? Yes, okay, there's hell the copters in the air and Puerto Ricans everywhere, so give me the knife like.

That used to do that? Did you see that? Mark?

It is, of course Mark Coin's song, don't you guys know his catalog.

Also County Grows August and everything after Sound Garden, super Unknown and that might be it.

And what else? Cohen also goes, uh, I think he was the first to do I'll be sitting on the because I love it. He took Other people have taken credit, but I heard him do that along.

Why why did anyone take credit?

Because ever since Louis K, Chris Rock and Seinfeld right, he said it was a great joke, people have been coming out of the wood words fight.

That one's fine.

Henry Phillips told Louis c. K that, oh that song. That's Henry remembers telling.

You, well, now we're at the it's ten twenty eight, my flights at eleven thirty, Oh my god, you're gonna make it two more minutes.

You're gonna make it.

You're totally gonna make it.

Thank you, guys, thanks so much, so much for it was good to see you.

Bunny.

Follow Mike Kaplan on Twitter at m y q K A P L I M what else?

And then you put that name.

Yeah, if you put that name anywhere like dot com or Facebook, Yeah.

YouTube.

The podcast hang Out with Me is at keithingthgirl dot com slash hang and you have a special.

All my other albums are under my own name.

I don't smart putty like Banksy uhanks dot nothing.

You know, uh he gets nothing.

Yes, so small door and handsome out now in whatever form you take it in through your eyes and or ears, I like that.

I just do eyes. I guess you could make put it on mute, but you don't do that.

Just scare at the cover like there's some loady.

Rush on Netflix with no sounds.

Oh m hm, that's how I like to do it, with a Wizard of Oz playing in the background. Yes, do you need help with your luggage?

Oh?

I can get it out of the old trunk myself. I think I appreciate it. Thank you guys so much.

I'm appreciate it.

Displeasure.

I'm gonna leave this microphone.

Let's hang out when you're back. Yes, don't steal that cool taking back Sunday.

He'll be back Sunday. That's hilarious.

Well already I know by enjoy your delta flight. Well that was fun.

That was great. I mean talk about fast paced.

I mean that was I like the rate at which she talks.

His brain goes a million miles an hour, right.

And it's good for me. I feel like if I hung out with him, I would worry less about ultimately getting Alzheimer's.

Right because you would just feel that snaps is firing.

Yeah, he makes your rods and.

Cones fire right into your eyes.

I guess rods and cones is specifically I but I know that stuff was firing little explosions in my nerve endings.

You know what it does to me? Like the way he does things so quickly, It just.

Makes my brain start telling me how I can't do it that quickly?

Oh really?

Yeah, well it brings up like it I just have to relax and go, like, just hang out and see what you think of because there's a crazy part of my brain that's like, no, you can't keep up.

If we were all trying to do that, it would have been the most insane thing ever to try and listen to. Can you imagine an entire audience going, I can't keep up with these people. It's like they're in a padded room throwing a bald to one another, like as an act sizes for crazy people. Oh I see, But yeah, it was very very fun, very fun. Talking to Mike Kamplin.

There was a joy. It was fun for me to drive. I re tell you it was because.

The last one I listened to was the Rob Delaney episode. I haven't gotten to listen to Baron Bond yet because nor if we have to, we really have to do it. But I have a hard time listening to myself, and on the Robb Delaney.

I don't want to listen to my muppet like voice. It's I I have no gender and my genitals are felt patch.

But on Rob's episode, I felt like I was totally dominating the conversation, and as I listened to it, I was becoming more and.

More horrified and more and more wanted to like, you know, I don't recall you dominant, never speak again. It's just a weird thing. It's like, it's very weird.

It's like when I have a I don't know it's podcasts are very like they really expose you.

Yeah, yeah, they really do. And and that's why, you know, we were gonna do all video for a little while. And then it was hard. It was hard to a lot of things affect your ability to come up with the right thing and have normal conversations and be funny at the same time. Driving is one of them. Having cameras on you as one of them, having you.

Know, waiting for people, Like even just when we were waiting for him and we were just looking then we weren't talking. You completely forget that you're that you have to like, how do radio DJs do it?

Really?

That was one thing my dad said. He commended us when he said, I don't know how you're driving. The whole time he was listening, he was realizing that I was driving.

So he appreciated that.

And I'm glad if he appreciates it, other people probably do, yes, So you're welcome. That's I guess this is a little pat our backselves on the back session.

Well, you know, we can do a pat ourselves on the back why not? I mean no one.

Else is going to do No one else is here to do it.

We're adults. No one's gonna pad us someone back anymore.

We're alone in a car.

That we could probably go to a drive through and they'd pat us on the back.

If you really needed it for minimal fee.

But but if you grab my legal pad, then we can do some shout outs to listeners.

Have been so supportive of us.

Where do you put your legal pad?

Well, I threw my purse behind this okay seats, okay, and the legal pad is in the purse.

It's in the purse kind of okay, you know. On the side.

Ironically, it's illegal to have a legal pad and a purse during a trial. It's just one of the rules at the beginning. Also, no snow globes. Really yeah, okay, so this is tomorrow, yes, yeah, yo, you were you am I on trial here? You can't handle the truth they were they were asking for it.

I don't know what that was.

That was like a mean person in a some sort of a rape through. Okay, we get dark sometimes, I've heard from a well.

First, we have to remember to say, we have to remember.

To say subscribe to us on iTunes and leave a nice review or leave a review.

I guess yeah, yeah, people like reviews. It helps things continue to exist.

Yes, so if you feel like it, we don't want you to be dishonest, of course.

Yeah.

No.

If you don't like what you've heard so far, give us the boot, tell us we suck and be mean about it.

Yeah you person mean?

Wor yeah, attack me personally, do a little research, get on Facebook, say things about my family.

Find where his achilles heel lies? What does he fear?

Actually? Yeah, find me out in public and slice my achilles heel like that kid from pet.

Cemetery, where's armor that you could find a chicken?

Yeah? I always had trouble.

With that word chink.

Yeah, find a chink in the armor. Also, I don't like to renag on it in anything, because I used to think that was entirely different. Well, I was going to read and give shout outs here to people who have already.

Claimed to enjoy us and support us on Twitter.

Yeah, but I'm going to need a little light. We should I could do it in a well lit intersection or however, or we could go to seven eleven because they're one of our sponsors.

Okay, yeah, I could seven eleven when you need somewhere to park and talk about stuff in the car.

Seven eleven colon. We also have slurpeaced. Probably be a comment.

Uh maybe you just be the next line down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, it could just be the next sentence. Yeah, okay, we're Maybe you can help me with it. These are your notes and so they're written in your.

Yes, yeah, good point.

It's hard to read this day and age, you know, since they don't teach cursive anymore handwriting. Have you seen a kid's handwriting these days? It just looks like helvet Oh, it looks.

Like something that Mike would hallucinate when he's on my watka.

So these actually did I should say that these are I'm going to read them, and they're chronologically in reverse.

So the names you hear first are the people that we've heard from most recently on Twitter, going all the way back down to and then I did some digging. And this is not a cum, it's not a full list. This has got to be so boring for anybody that didn't write to us.

No, no, it's it's something we're gonna do. So have you got to tune out right now we're gonna we're gonna drop name drop.

Here and this is fun name drop times. We're just saying thank you. We're saying thank you to Nick kg who's Swoldemort on Twitter.

And also a lot of weight. He's got thick neck.

Yeah, he's a he's a weightlifter, strong kit. We want those people on our side. O. J. Carrosco who's Rattle and Howell at Rattle and how on Twitter.

It has to be a baseball player with that name or a murderer. I know his name from way back. He's been a fan of us guests on things.

Oh that's right. It's it's no small thing to have someone tell you they're your fan.

It's it's one big thing.

It's it's a person sized thing. It's very exciting.

Lloyd Dobbler eighty nine, who is very supportive of all my arts and was very excited that we were doing this podcast, like, yeah, our friend Dustin.

Martin, Dustin Martin, great guy, great.

Guy, loves it.

I'll do these faster Estoy Merchandise, which are the guys that make the T shirts. It's one guy making T shirts for the walking room guys. And they also made all the t shirts of Bridgetown this year. They're awesome.

All wow, yeah, transfer.

At Stoy Merchandise. You can take a look at those shirts because they're really good logo. Now we'll do these fast. Tony Bleach a C.

Bleach at Susy Ruse at, Sarah wettele at zena CCC at Valerie Curly at Evans.

That's Brad Evans.

Who Actually he sent a whole brand new tweet for our most recent episode as if it was his show.

Like it was like he did it for you.

And I didn't even know we had an episode come out, and he put it out and attached the image the art I made for it.

He did the whole thing.

It's people like this, Yeah, he's great.

People like this and people like Laura with Kowski uh and at Rock's wife who is someone in Christy Willis. And Woodles, which is one of my favorite Twitter handles.

All makes me think of that Snuggles, be clean laundry Woodles.

My old boss, Nick Bernstein to work for good Man good Man. I hope to work from with him again soon. Our friend Joe Wagner brother.

Wags on Twitter.

I know him personally.

He's hilarious.

Uh, just at just for jokes at asked face Robot, who you've got.

To love, Like, robot is the best thing to call someone who's a jerk who doesn't have a lot of personality. But this guy's great.

This is different at comedy Groupie at Andrew hess who I've actually known on Twitter.

At comedy Bureau.

Oh yes, the jake over a comedy bureau. And and so that's our shout out corner.

Yeah, I like that.

Make a name for that. Shout out corner is terrible.

Shouting in the corner.

Scream corner screams.

Padded room corner screams.

Perfect.

Yeah, that'll be that such therapeutic.

And then the other idea I had was just we had some people tell us when we ask questions on the podcast, they answered us on Twitter, which I love.

Yeah, the bamboo shoots, I knew that you could eat them, yeah.

And I didn't believe you, and I needed the truth to be different.

I think I was thinking of no, they sometimes it will be a bamboot, like a hard I don't know. I do know what you're talking about, though, It's like a fibrous flavor thing Tenser. I think it's like.

A yeah, but even then, I know that you can eat ginger. I don't know what I was thinking, but anyway, wrong, And thank you both. Our friend Andrew Solomson, who we know from comedy, and a guy named John Rivett both wrote to us and said, yes, you.

Can't eat bamboo sea.

So I was right, Christmas, right, So you.

Have one point. You have the one up on me right now.

Whenever we're doing pillow scream into a pillow corner.

Yeah, that's sweep a score.

Scream into the pillow, and now coming up is screaming to the pillow I have I have I'm winning points wise.

Yeah, well just buy one though.

You know what, Karen, we are just seventy paces from a Sizzler restaurant. I know that's one of your favorites.

Are you serious? You want to go to the Sizzler?

And I know it. I was gonna blame you.

I kind of do, but we're by the airport.

I'm hungry. I want to eat at a Sizzler by the airport for real.

Yeah.

They have a they have a whole menu bar with like tacos, and there's a sneeze guard and so you know, it's clean.

Can I just say you the last time I was at a Sizzler, it was a Sizzler on Highland. I don't think it's there anymore, and it was one of the most depressing things I've ever experienced.

I don't go there for the atmosphere. I don't make eye contact. I just get the ladle and I grab some pudding that has a stripe of ranch across the top. I enjoy my evening. If you ever eat the pudding at the salad bar at Sizzler, do know that there will be ranch drizzled across the top.

You'll be like, this ping is spicy? Is this Mexican?

At first?

Yeah, and you're like, no, no, No.

Is this?

No?

It's on top of.

It's a dressing you've never have anyway.

Who I'd like to know if people want to call in. We don't have that capability yet yet we're gonna try, and we're trying to get a sponsorship from next Hell. They still make carphone do do do do do do do do? Uh?

Do do you do?

You still eat pudding or jello? When's the last time has anyone in the last decade purposefully eaten jello or pudding.

Yes, can I just say this when I bet you a lot of ladies will respond as a dieter and a dieting type of person.

In my dieting phases, they have sugar free jello or like it's like one calorie.

Sometimes you need to get a sweet fix.

Yeah, and in the most pathetic way. Right, you need a sweet fix.

But you also want to remember what grammar school cafeterias were like. Yeah, you also want to know what it's like to be in the hospital. I'm driving away from the sizzler.

Really, I just don't buy away. Are you mispronouncing weird? Because I want some jello? All right?

It's eleven o'clock.

It no, it's nighttime. All right, let's let's wrap this up.

Eleven o'clock airport, Sissler. It's like you you're saying, can I please be add right now?

With a dull butter knife.

I'm into new experiences. Maybe I want to get stabbed. Will take take me to the butt stop?

We will.

Danny's gotta get stuck, all right. Uh, I've been Chris Fairbanks, I've been Karen Kilgaraff. Thank you for listening to Do you need a ride?

Bye? Guys, bye, I leaving.

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claiming. Give us time and they turn and all engage.

We want to send you off in style.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine.

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need with Karen and chriss

Mm hm