Ep. 34 - The Holiday Bottle Rocket 2014

Welcome to the end of the year holiday spectacular episode of Do You Need to Arrive with Chris Fairbanks and Karen Kilgarriff. The following episode is the first ever recorded between Karen and I on an iPhone. It was a test episode. Karen and I had maybe hung out together three times total. We did not even know what the title of our podcast was going to be before we started recording. I think we figure it out mid recording.

It's very exciting, or maybe not.

Maybe it's just of a lower sound quality as well as low conversation quality, But it's exciting that we've done it a year. I think we've come a long way in that time. And twenty fifteen the new year with great episodes and we're going to have terrific guests and thank you for listening and thank.

You for being a friend. And that's the song from the Golden Girls, and.

More episodes to come in twenty fifteen, twenty fourteen, Can Suck It? Do You Need Right to Ride?

Do You need.

With Karen and Chris.

Oh hello, oh, hello there Hill.

Knowing I'm terrific.

Well, I always do, even if someone doesn't tell me, even if they're trying.

To be cool, you'll make that.

I'll just I've lived a life of fear, and I always think I'm gonna fly out of a window. Well, good, even when I as a little.

Kid, you think you're gonna go out the window. Always.

I was obsessed with wearing my seat belt even as a little kid.

But as opposed to being do you mean being like hit and then shot through the windshield?

Yes, oh, okay, I thought I would not.

Being stucked out of the window like a piece of paper.

I just remember, no, no, not like in an airplane, right right.

I just want to go backwards first. All right, here we.

Go, I am. You might wonder why I have a backpack with me.

Do you want to tell me why they're not? I'm wondering.

You're going to be driving me to the airport.

Okay, h you should actually tell me how to get the airport from here.

Well, it's the exact opposite direction you're going. Okay, so go you know what.

Let's take a quick since I have a little time. Take a little gander at the ocean night. It's straight ahead, it's right ahead of us. It's a great place to do you today.

And this is for all of our listeners.

Uh huh.

Who's really famous, right the Pacific Ocean? Well yeah, I mean like and especially this strip because we're in Santa Monica by the pier, aren't we.

Yes, yeah, this is the Venice Pier.

Okay, the Santa Monica Compere is the one would be broken down. Carney equipment, a Carnival equipment, Carney's run it, Carnie's little equipment, cars, wheel Farris wheels.

I couldn't remember what a roller coaster is called.

One thousand people click off their computers and say goodbye.

Really be a big one thousand.

Yeah, take a level here, it's fine. The ocean's up there. You've seen it before I realized there isn't like a cul de sac. There's a guy who you would have to pay to park there and then turn around and say, hi, I just wasted my money.

Hey, thanks for your house, sir.

As on the way in the airport, which is where you're taking me, could we get a coffee?

Absolutely? Just tell me where you.

Go do it. We'll go straight ahead.

I love coffee.

I do too.

I could drink it all day.

You know my favorite.

Little mom coffee shop that I like to go to, Which one is that? It's called Starbucks, A hole of them in town, and there's one up here.

If you take a left on the.

Venice okay, I think I've heard of that, it's I think they have an Inburbon too, That's where I live.

I am incorrect, it will not be Venice.

Do you know where you are all around?

Why don't you take a left here? Because I do know where I am now.

And we are here on Sweet Street. Let's dead End.

That's the street they invented.

Are not the Inventice Canal.

Down there there?

There are.

There are some canal, but it's the cool ones. Let's do that.

Let's go to cool can I think you have to look at the canal, okay, just do a U turn okay or yeah, turn.

Around normally like you would a normal humor. If I weren't here.

I would still use the U shape, I think, yes, okay. The only time I've ever seen the Venice Canal, and I've lived in LA for fifteen years, is in the movie Uh, what's the movie with Paul Red Oh big the Big Brother movie.

Oh, my big idiot brother that lives with us?

No?

No, No, the Mentor movie where him and my boyfriend Sean Scott.

What's his name?

Are you still seeing?

Sean Shawn Scott Williams. He has three first names. Yeah, he's the lovers for Adam Brott.

No, No, the one that if I was.

Gay and I was with a man, I figured the Adam Scott. Really I find him attractive.

He's beautiful, you know, and.

I gave way. Yes.

The only problem is that my genitals would not act up in the way that gave people's.

Dudes where I would then make love. But I think I would kiss him.

Are you sure about your generals? Sometimes you don't know what could happen. You have to get into it.

I know my genitals very well. I know exactly what they do in most situations. To get to the canal, turn left?

Okay, down here are you?

Yeah?

I'm going to get new car.

There's so many bicycles.

Is dangerous our idea for and we don't have a name for our podcast, but we are going to.

Do them and uh, vehicle.

Baby, and exactly what appears to be about it, and it's very appropriately crying. You horrible parent, Mama, don't put baby in a bucket.

Yeah, don't put the baby in the book.

And she was horrified.

Yes, you didn't like it, but it is a hazard.

Yeah, that's not it's not well, she didn't have a helmet on.

No, I mean for us to be driving while and multitasking.

Very modern, patting your stomach, we can do that.

Yeah we can't.

I think we can do.

And as long as I don't touch this phone, and it's not illegal, it's I you don't have a towel for your legs the.

Way you usually like to hold.

Where I usually drap a towel over my leg like a waiter does. Because tell the people, because it makes for a nice home coaster.

And also I your ana out of your legs. The canal, but have it.

If anyone has ever tried to find the Venice canal, you right now are laughing, as you know, it is very difficult.

They are hidden away.

Del Bell Street.

That's if anyone ever asks again, I'm gonna say, Delly, I think.

That was.

You when you got in said something of like as we drive as we go.

Can I drive over that.

Oh yeah, oh Jesus, but it's so exciting.

I like this. It is exciting that it's very narrow like. It's kind of like we're in Italy, yes, a little bit. We're well, I mean they are the Venice Canal.

One time I jumped on that with my skateboard. It of course shot into the water.

How much was that skateboard?

This is cool? Was the wooden part was ruined? It is cool, isn't it?

A lot of times the canal is low and there isn't any water, and right now it looks great.

It's clean. You can hardly tell there's human pieces.

That's really me and we've got from just some really lack of days. Asked me why you were This woman seems like she's trying to teach me a lesson.

Yeah, about driving, About having a man's shoulders. Yeah that's right, ship shall yeah, let her have it. You can't see it, but she seems to do a.

Lot of.

Jillian what's her name?

She just is in shape, and I'm threatened by that.

Yeah, I think we are. That's what it is.

A man's shoulders, just a girl with a super nice yoga body.

We'll suck her all the way man, and there's another canal.

God keep doing it.

I've lived in Venice ten years. I've never done this.

Really, I love this. This is like this is like Minni San Francisco, better than the last one. Look at this.

This is a podcast where Karen and I drive around through beautiful.

The scene, the scenery and describe it to blind people.

This is a bog cat the vog what they call them, real podcast.

We'd be rich.

We are going over a third canal and I can't.

Believe I'm saying this, but it was better than the first two.

The third canal was the best canal.

Houses were better, the water was cleaner. Is that Yeah?

They got better as they went ahead of us. Is there another fucking canal?

No?

That was all the fucking canal?

Fuck?

Yeah, bro, Yeah, And you were right to turn right.

I have that instinctly in me, A little bit.

Uh, a lot of If you know where the ocean is, uh, and keep in mind where the ocean is you do just find driving around Los Angeles.

Yeah you ocean. Now, ocean is south, yes, Mountain so uh Silver Lake and the east.

Well, the ocean is really uh west.

It's technically west. But for when you're talking about the city, right right, that's when you say.

You're going south.

Yeah.

This, if we continue to talk about this, it is the most boring conversation.

All right, right now? You are you? Are you? Okay?

Let's I don't want to transition into weather.

Let us go.

Oh, let it just in seventy five another week, seventy five, one more week.

It is courteous.

It's beautiful out.

Yeah, really it's very pretty. A lot of bikers, people on bicycles, I.

Should say, a lot of people not in a car with the windows rolled up and they are conditioning on.

So really yeah, yeah, there's pretty normal. We're normal. They're crazy.

This is la normal windows up podcast calling.

I don't know what it's going to be like in Boise, Idaho.

Oh do you want to play a fun game? Yes, Pretend I didn't say exactly where in Idaho.

I hope I will be okay, okay and just and and play along with this and uh if by saying oh, you basically just saying today Karen stopped at a red light but put her hand in front of me to keep me from launching out the window.

Because I have stated it's a fear, it's your fear.

I throw up with ma marm. I'm sorry. And then, of course the Mercedes ran the.

Red light, because that's.

How it works, totally blatantly ran what was had been a red light for some time.

We could call this podcast l a driving lessons because as we go we could be like, you know, if you're new to LA, just know, all mercedes will run red as if there are surgeon that has gotten called away, right.

Something important either from everyone a universities is a surgeon on the go there's.

An emergency scenario or they're a desulting person and an equally important emergency.

Right, take a right? Please?

Wait, what's the game? We're here.

The game?

Okay, so I'll say I go so, uh, I'm going to Idaho to do stand up. Last time I was there, I met someone special and when I'm pretty excited to go back, really yeah somewhere it's in Idaho and the liquid laughs and what town is that?

Anyway? I met someone there and then you say the name of the town that's important?

Oh is it in Boise?

Oh? We messed up. We messed up the game. I understand you haven't played it before. In an ideal world, you go, oh, Boise and I say boise girlsy whatever I can get that I did meet, but it's.

Some like that.

And then there's uh, I'm going to Wiley's uh, and I met someone up there, and then you go Dayton. We aren't Dayton, but I'm seeing her. There's a lot of cities. It's a fun game for comedians to play.

That is not a game.

That's the cult having a comedy act right where you have to know.

Your line and I thrust you into it.

Didn't because I swear to god, I was thinking boisey girlsies, but.

I didn't want to, like step on what your joke might be.

What are you doing, Honda?

Yeah, your name doctor.

You are no surgeon in a hurry.

You're just a molassoesly slow babymaker van.

You clearly have a family that you're concerned about. You're considering taking to that McDonald's.

I get so mad at many vans that uh don't seem to know where they're going and are going to really slow, and it's always because they're just being cautious because there's babies in there.

I'm always angry.

It's like there's there's I understand that, But then that's also being unsafe because.

You're being so cautious. Like the fucking people who don't get all the.

Way over to the left when they're taking a left turn and they don't get into the left lane.

Don't like them.

It makes me angry.

Yeah, you can't keep your tail out. They're like, well, I can't see them, so they saydn't how right I'm.

Facing the other way, So this isn't There aren't people behind me honking because my ass is.

Out in the regular lanes.

On this guy he can go.

Yeah, he can go.

He's this guy. Will let him go.

He's at least a doctor's assistant.

Yes, BMW, yeah it's SILVERW.

I don't know what what's the weather like in bois you do I have?

I didn't bring I always bring a couple T shirts and one pair of pants.

What about a jacket or some kind of a layer? You sweaters?

I didn't bring sweat because it's like a high mountain desert.

Oh is it have? I?

Oh?

You know what I did?

I did an one nighter in Moscow, Idaho.

Oh yeah, I'm be confused with the communist Soviet Soviet. I I have a story about Moscow after this.

Okay, I don't think I have anything. Well, I was just gonna say, can't you look on your iphon to see what the weather?

I should have a normal person. It is also almost October. It could possibly be very cold there. Yes, I did not bring a jacket.

Or a sweather Oh so you're just you'll maybe you'll wear like four T shirts.

Yeah, T shirts a round out.

I will wear one T shirt on my torso and two other T shirts wrapped.

Around my arms like sleeves o prey shirts at once, so you'll be fine. Yeah.

And then of course they'll have the comedy club. We'll have a thermal. I mean you could buy with the comedy club.

Logo on the Everyone has a comedy club thermal that they.

Keep hanging in the green room.

That's that's like my dream world comedy club thermals.

To just have a rider.

I need a thermal in the room next to my roses that has your comedy club logo on it.

They have to be all cotton, please know cotton.

They need a tube. Okay, there's the Starbucks is up here. Are we gonna do this?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, okay, let's go give me hid in that silver son of a bitch. Yeah.

Yeah, well he's doing the same thing we're doing.

He's going to turn in there too. Yeah, but they're it's okay, they're handicapped, but we're not. Yeah, but we're only doing this because we're being patient with them as far.

But then at the last.

Minute we're just gonna follow him and become part of the problem of it.

Yeah, part's the problem.

Leaves us in the dust now and that now it is just us.

So clearly she's handicapped because she took that left going about point three months.

Now and has stopped.

I think she will go and reverse. They are not necessarily good.

That is an old wives tam. Oh man, you can park wherever you want because you are well.

She can't take out the side of that is a horrible driver. I'm this. I'm glad this is happening in.

A situation where we're both about to get out of the cars because I am going to confront her.

Oh no, ma'am, I just have to say.

And then she's like, one second, please and pulls out her polio hold on a second.

Oh well, early on before they started calling them crutches, polio stitch helped out a lot of shriveled legs.

Young oll.

I can think it was Megan malaal and Children's Hospital. How hilariously she is in those crutches that I need to see. Oh, it's really good.

Do we shall we?

I think we should.

I don't know.

Bring it with us.

We'll don't have to talk loudly and starbus continue recording.

You want it might as well?

Okay, well up so much real life? This is real life that sounds gonna be. This is a coffee pantasy.

Ah are there just figured beatstay quotes?

This is nothing going on at all now, not suspicious.

No, just waiting for an important call for my doctor has five lights to run.

Normally that would be a push door.

When I see kids these days, I kind of want one.

Yeah, I want to be married. I just want have someone else's ten year old. You know, totally enormous. I think I called they call it kidnapping.

Hey, how are you good?

Good?

I will have a large ice coffee a pen.

No, I'm not the same thing.

Please two of those?

Thanks, thank yes?

Please?

You don't want you to be that's right? Nothing, Let me get them.

You're leaving town.

But I'm leaving town to make upward of fifty dollars.

So did they go in free appeaser?

This plumboo has a nice restaurant attached to it, and you get a a whatever you want every day.

Really two, I could eat there twice to day than you like stopt.

It's worth the plane ticket to eat twice today.

I think.

Your own you do.

We're back in the car and we're back. We're back and we just I don't know.

It was a good idea to bring the recording into Starbucks.

I felt like people were watching us.

People were definitely watching us. There might be copyright infringement because only Adele.

Will have the recording Starbucks.

And yeah, her Nico case. I did just get her latest singles. They have little cards with free downloads.

Is it that I'm a man one?

Yeah?

Isn't that a good song?

I like her? Isn't she the greatest?

She's the great Have you seen her live?

I certainly have and seen how funny she is.

Yeah, she's really funny.

That made that pushed me over into the world of being attracted to her.

Yeah, No, she is pretty amazing. And her backup singer Kelly Hogan, is.

That the brown hair girl that has a terrific voice that they almost had a routine.

Yeah, comedically both hilarious. Kelly. The reason I knew Kelly Hogan is because she was.

The assistant when I want to take Linda Barry's writing class.

I don't know if you know Linda Berry the comic book Arness.

Oh okay, me and Danny Sebilas Flinton took her class, and Hogan is what they call her, is the assistant and the person.

That like signs you up and tells you gives you in for me.

Uh huh.

And so that's how I first met her as just this girl that helps Lindaberry with her writing class.

Should I be going that one?

It's okay, we can run block, Yeah, I do anyway. Sometimes I mean, look at this one. I don't I think she just what does that skirts? She's strange. She is a strange. It's like she plays tennis. But alay with Red Michaels from point, I was.

Gonna say, Rob Zombie that I could not think of anything that's enough to cut you off, which is not good for comedy. You have to be up, cut me off, jump in and interrupt people, all right, Then you did just interrupt?

What are you? You better be a doctor. You'd better be a doctor.

Her.

This really is in terms of traffic and the way things are fucked. This is ideal.

What's her right here?

Really?

Yeah?

Okay, okay, we're going through a parking lot, but all taco.

We're turning right now? Yeah? No, just right here? We got okay, yep?

Is it your home? Don't taco?

Yeah? This is the one I called space camp. This is what I call sab camp.

I just get my car, yeah, and uh, I don't want to go through the details, but it does end with me napping with a bunch of rappers in my lap.

Oh my god, but you couldn't rap car. Yeah. Hip hop artists end up in my lap.

You meet them a don't tako give you pause, and then you fall asleep. But anyway, I love Miko Case's music, her voice, everything is perfect.

Billy Hogan's music is amazing.

She's a musician and obviously in her own right, not just singing, but she's sit at her own album.

Take right here and then a left and then an immediate left.

Got you wow?

Okay, I want to check it out because I only got interested in Nico because I liked the new pornographers and I got into a c newman, the guy.

Yep.

Great.

But then I's doing chose in San Francisco, and old April Richardson was there because she's friends with Billy Bragg, which I thought was strange that they were legitimately just friends. They act like siblings, of course, and it was cool and we went out to eat, and I didn't realize that with Nico Case, who was performing at the Folk Festival, I saw she was going to come to dinner and decided not to at the last minute, and the empty

Now, how do you think he would have handled that?

Because I would have been.

I think that I was feeling good that weekend, and I would have been. I just would have talked to her. I didn't nail it, didn't blurt. I would have nailed her, Yep, under the table.

I would have, but laid it on her knee like a cowl that I otherwise rested a phone on. And I don't know, I don't I just think I would have talked to her.

No, if she seems super cool is definitely super cool.

I started following Cogan on Twitter and then she followed me back, and she I think, like she's.

Talked to me a couple of times.

She doesn't understand that I'm intensely starstruck because I really her backup singing fornoque is unbelievable.

Yeah, to back her up and still stand out that because her voice is incredible, Yeah, it really is.

I know. I do not like any other music like that.

I don't like whatever alternative country or women her way all country, right, yeah.

But it's it's not it's the best music ever though, it's not. I just don't.

I'm not a big country person, but all it's a wulky indie rock band and there's a guy that plays a steel guitar. That's the only thing that's kind of country about it, right exactly. I heard Larry Way, She's seen she doesn't do that Carrie Underwood contrived country twang voice thing.

That's what I don't like.

If all country music didn't have cartoonish singer doing.

That's what I'm made it for.

Hang my hand.

I heard the Yahoo commercial and then I.

Yeah, yeah, the Little Guy came on and I was like you're good.

Is that Yahoo? I want to know who does the Yahoo for?

Yes, he did the song from Raising Arizona.

Yahoo.

Where we did are the YouTube sing? Oh yeah Central?

Yeah, we are by YouTube central. This is where I want to Jefferson.

The weside there's a desolate, undeveloped, undevelopable marshland. And then over here there's a very expensive condos for people that need security guards.

Meets that's me all over. It has a kind of gecko it is.

Yeah, you know what I say. It's artscastic, but it's really really cool.

Rich people.

No, it's no that it is for rich people.

But I drink in front of the white flight gated community and I don't like it. I say, I'd say you live in a neighborhood and you occasionally get monked.

That's how it is until you have kids, and then yeah, move into one of these places and living here.

Time to ask you, we're not about to stay on the freeway.

Alas, No, I avoid the freeway.

Here's how I get to the airport where you're taking me from my house hold on.

I know you mean business because your voice is cut.

Really Yeah, here's the thing. The freeway usually I'm a big fan of not today, you see whereas the crow flies, the route we're.

Taking is faster.

If it isn't in a peak traffic hour, why are you not at the end, just with the word hour, I got upset. As long as it's not a peak traffic hour. It uh this it's the faster way because the freeway is way you have to go way east.

Well, and also you know, I think where I can't drive on the freeway now right?

Why is that? It's a law? It's broken.

And you know, yes, I've been banned from the freeway.

If you're low tack my ankle vibrator. I've never been stale.

I don't know. I'm a vibrator. But it goes off.

No, I as you know, I have that fluftet.

I do know that.

And this happened like two years ago. I got on the freeway by my house, the.

One thirty four where margets to the one on one and so it's like five ways of tund I was in the middle lane and my eyes started going, that's my right before I have a seizure. My eyes flick up to the left.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, it started after this story you have to remind me what to do of your if it starts napping.

Okay, okay, that'll be fine. They're gonna hit.

That's gonna be crashed.

That person hit that person or where they stopped. But I closed my eyes.

Well because that range river did that crazy thing.

Oh okay, that's what it was.

Yeah, No, everything were not fine. That's a range Rover.

They never hit anything. No, no, they have surgery. Joke's not gonna get on. No.

Yeah, we're not done with that all.

So anyway, as I was there, my eyes start flicking, and so I couldn't when that's happening. Literally, my eyes are doing whatever the fuck they want, and I'm driving on the freeway. I was going sixteen miles an hour. So I just pulled to the right, hoping to god no one was on my right hand side, crossed the cross two lanes of.

Traffic, and took the exit because I was about to get funneled into that part where there's no exit and you get on to the one I want.

So it was basically, uh, every think it was vine Lent whatever that last exit on the one.

Just pulled off there. I don't know how I did that without hitting anybody.

Like it was just a fucking miracle that no one was there, and then pulled over, couldn't stop shaking. I was on my way to do Jane Wilson's comedy show. I had to call her and say it can't come because I just had to drive like get myself. No, no, no, this part it was just the eye flick and then it stopped. But like I just sit there on the side of the road for five minutes making sure I wasn't about that seizure, and then I just drove home.

And I haven't driven on the freeway since because.

This is two years ago, okay, And every time I get I've tried to get on the freeway, like just like he just tough it out, and anytime I get onto it, it's like I start to have a panic.

How do you get tell me you didn't take the Pearl five.

No, that's what takes.

It takes me for ever to get anywhere because they don't pick the freeway.

And went up through the mountain, I know, over Cold Water.

Oh wow, and then down Santa Monica and then down to Colovida and then Washington.

Oh my god.

I mean I'm kind of that's fine. I'm resigned to it because I just anything to not get on the freeway.

Wow, it's ridiculous.

I am, I'm glad. Okay.

That's when people say they don't want to be on the freeway, I get up. I'm like, oh, you don't like to be places faster and you're scared of card. But you have a great reason.

I have a pretty much hit reason. But see, here's the thing.

Like, I know, it's it logical because it is the freeway. What we're driving on right now, is is the freeway.

This is Yeah, that's the famous one.

But it's not the same to me. You know, it's not the same to me because if.

I wanted to, I could pull over right there, right and that's the same.

Yep, you're right.

Okay, although now that's not that's just.

One of my well i'll just reach over you perfect.

Yeah we should plan stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, I will grab the wheel if you ever have a teacher.

I literally it's the I mean, it's it's kind of boring, but anyway, that's the what do I do if you start to have a teacher if we're driving, definitely grab that wheel.

But basically just make sure I don't hit my head and make sure don't let people stare at me.

That's the only thing.

But there's nothing you can do, like all those things that people say, like put your wallet in someone's mouth or put a stick, all that is not true.

It's really just to avert. You're supposed to avert the eyes of onlookers for me. Yeah, if you could put it you start to have a teazer. I should just get maked, do a dance.

Exactly and try to kick me under a table that has a long table cloth. That would be perfect.

Yeah, hopefully it's not the under the tablecloth place I'll be having sex. Okay, I'm like, all I do is call back to thay.

I think, well, I think that's professional.

I think that it just I'm showing off.

But for the time theaying I have a short term memory that exists.

We got to show those off. Well we can't.

Oh god, it will be around forever. Hey have you seen that that show Derek? No, he works in like an old folks home and it's very sweet and he kind of plays an autistic person. So he's like going, he's doing a retarded character a little bit.

Oh, but he's so good and it's so good and it.

Really yeah, because it's the old people and he cares about them and in a home us like you know where my mom. It's a very good show. I've didn't want I just watched like five of them. I'm like, well, I like him now. For a while, I wasn't into the old jar basse right because.

He got very cadantic about his aim.

Yeah, come on, I know a lot of people are atheists.

Yeah, you don't have to.

Like well whatever, I mean. Yeah, I love Ricky Gervase, but that starts that did start to full me. I was following him on Twitter and night unfollowed him because of this every single fucking thing.

Dude, are you serious? Oh, oh my god, Oh my god. I hate that guy.

Yeah, that's weird.

It's it's terrible when you hate someone someone you develop a hatred and you need closure, but they just drive off and you never get the chance to murder them.

I was really staring after him, like I wanted to apply thought.

Oh I saw that look. I thowt that look in your eye.

I can't get on the one O five.

Oh it's okay, we don't need.

It, but I'm scared to get on the one five.

Oh, it's all right right.

Please remember that I already forgot about your free ways rule.

You couldn't be a more dramatic stories.

I was just waiting for my turn to talk.

Okay, Now you have to tell me what your uh plans for boys?

Okay, how you think it's gonna go?

Okay?

If you like the club, are you excited? What's gonna happen?

I am? I am. I like the town. I have a history with the town.

I uh, great, where are you from?

I'm from Missoula, Montana.

But when I had a girlfriend and at home and we moved to Texas together and La together.

She grew up in Boise. We would go there all the time.

Okay, So in addition to doing stand up there, at least nine times I've gone there just hang out with her family back in the past.

Nice. You're familiar with it.

I am familiar with it, and I liked the town for it being a kind of conservative, quiet city. It is a city. It's one hundred and some thousand people. But uh, it's just beautiful and everyone there's nice.

That's great.

There's a lot of trees. It's called the City of trees only two. Oh my god, why are we being beacon? Why the Game of Thrones cast members.

It's not the best ring ever.

It's if by best are mispronouncing, horrifying. I just did not expect trumpet tears. But I like it now now that my heart rate go back to normal.

It's really uh, it's foreboding. It's for voting, which is how everybody feels about phone calls.

I really thought that twice that you said that that the horn noise was made for voting.

I don't know that it is for voting. I think this is for voting. That's because that's a foghorn.

Why anyway, that's for castle.

I don't know. But you're right, it's sound of pro voting.

It's for both. Yeah, but it just caught me off guard.

And it's a fun club. I have friends there from my old snowboarding days.

They won't be around. I'll hang out with them during the day.

That's great.

I've had great times there and uh, some.

Things looking up isn't because I used to. When I did the road very briefly, I always dreaded it.

I always school. First of all, I was drunk all the time, so I was always hungover. Yeah, going to the airport, it was always.

Like I'm about to be the last day I'm there. I'm oas drunk and getting on their plane. Yeah. I still experience that.

Yeah, but I think that's part.

Of it, right, Yeah, that's how you deal I and by you, I mean me, because you don't I do used to you you used to. I'm still there. I'm still in the darkness. I haven't seen the light.

Well, I mean, if you're not having seizures like I'm not having chees me or fucking shit up major lea and you're obviously drinking, you're handling it.

I did. Yeah, I'm fine. I don't I don't drink that much.

But I didn't notice the difference because I'm about to go do these shows where people pay twelve dollars and they get they drink too much. In that town, They're gonna heckle. There's gonna be about two hundred and fifty of them by six shows that I have to do. But I just did, not to brag. But the shows Daniel Tosh last weekend in Seattle, people pay. I just was opening for him. Of course, people stop closing it out for him. People pay sixty nine to one hundred

They are the most well behaved, smart people.

Really weeds out all the dummies, all the drunks, and all the people that simply can't afford to go, which is horrible and elitist. That sounds awful. I want to perform for poor people at a soup kitchen. Great, but those people are gonna heckle. That's right, They're gonna heckle, and they're gonna be on moonshine.

Yeah, these people were great. It was the best show's ever.

I'm like, oh, that's why you charge an elitist amount, and I'm so glad he uh, I may do that.

It was fun. I want to do it again.

You know, it's really funny because I know he's a real he's a real hot button.

Uh. I don't know him, this person, uh huh, he's just as a name.

Obviously a lot of a lot of I had no idea he was being bomb but like bombed. We had to go to private parts of restaurants for him to eat. Yeah, people specifically young collegey like aggressive drunk frat boys will go and try.

And pet his hair. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

Well, because that's like the number one show on Tommy Central.

Uh huh.

He's hugely famous that way.

Then of course he's basically now synonymous with the word rape.

Uh so there's a lot of that was the one thing that he don't He's like, please don't mention rape.

During your act. I'm like, I don't anyway, Yeah.

That must I feel. I think that's a really fascinating kind of thing. I thought I saw him, which is kind of funny.

I thought I saw him in the hallway after her show I did at Largo, huh. And it was Patton's show.

So afterwards I texted that and I go he was that then opausal away and even like, I don't think so.

And for some reason, I like it wouldn't.

I just didn't think it would be weird if they were friends or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, mean either it would surprise me actually, but because well because I don't know them.

But I think it's very interesting because obviously I'm very anti rape.

As a woman and as a feminist, I don't like rape.

But the thing that he did in that whole story. I've done it myself and I've seen millions of people do it where you get you get heckled, and you have a bad response and then that elicits the worst response and you kind of become this weird.

A ring master for a thing you know wanted to be involved.

In in the first and that that's kind of I will defend the Michael Richards guy too, and he accept that it's insane that he was saying the N word over and over, but he was going through that same spiral like, yes, well that wasn't funny.

So now I got to go to something.

Else anger, yes, and I can't back out otherwise I'm weak on stairs something.

Yes exactly that you have to you have to come back with with triple you double down.

In that scenario I was opposed.

To, you can't back and that's what happened, was Yeah, And I've seen him because I opened for him like ten years ago before he was a famous person, and it would happen then too. He would get mad at hack Winters and kind of go over the top with attacking them, right, but now people expected of him, right, and it goes well if people wanted him to like be mean and he wasn't given it to him.

Do you think they wanted him to be mean to like women?

Yes, Oh that's not good.

It's it's far.

Girls want him to say the thing, but he's he's a nice guy and he doesn't hate women and he's a good It's it's interesting, you know these comics that are like at this stage Persona, where it's like I'm mean and I made every group of people, and then in real life they're actually nice and the people like Dmitri Martin are asshole too. You know.

It's like right, right, It's an interesting thing to me.

What they do on stage doesn't always have a lot to know who they are. But what I think is interesting is the joke he was trying to start that got him in the I.

Guess I don't know that he was starting a joke.

That said rape is always funny, no matter what, and he that's when the girl was like, no, you're wrong, and then he was like.

Everyone should rape her right now, all of that is bad? Yeah, yeah, yeah, in my opinion, that's that handled poorly.

Sure, yet I don't judge him, And that was this weird thing when I thought I was looking him in the face backstage at Largo. That came up for me because I was, like, I really emphasized, I've handled myself so badly on stage so many times.

That I when it's a heck situation, yes.

Like you you do things, but like your mouth goes with yes exactly exactly, and like I'm sure, I don't know. It just is weird to me. And yet I want to know what the end of that fucking.

Joke was because it's such a grandiose statement, like rape is always funny, no matter what, Like, what the.

Fuck was he thinking? What's the end of the joke that he was saying?

Is?

Uh, he was doing that joke, But that wasn't how it went. It's it was there was a couple other examples. It wasn't rape one of three examples. And I said, all those things can be funny if you write a good joke.

But it was a joke. What he said was a joke, but it wasn't that. It wasn't no, no, it was. It was.

It was that it can be if it's a well written joke. But I mean, but that was with an a joke. I'm not obviously doing it because I've write his material and no one hires me to write anything. But the point is that's not true.

Seen on H one.

I have seen you on Guy Code.

I'm on the Big Bang Period, which can only be enjoyed if you have fallen off a motorcycle without helmet.

Have you seen that show? No?

I have not.

It's not very good. Ever, they're likable. I like the people on it. I'm not mad at Bang Theory anymore.

I would watch a.

Show called Bank Fairy, for sure, but no, not Big Bang Theory incuminating regular size Bang, regular size Bang idea. H Well, so but you're okay, So let's get back to you because we might have to edit out about Daniel Talk part.

First of all, it's not timely, right, that was my idea.

But I just think it's interesting that, you know, I think I'm a sexist of any sexist comic because men tissed me off a lot, and I don't understand them often. But in that scenario, I remember having like my first reaction was like fuck that guy, and then my second reaction was I can't say that because I've I've been so terrible on stage when people heckled me just I just did the.

Other night, except for.

Now now that when it happens, I can handle. It's like I'm doing a character handling it right where this woman I was talking about how someone gave me the quote unquote compliment that I found like Lisa Lobe when I sing, and I was like, that's not a compliment.

And then this girl's like, I wish you'd sing stay right now, And I go, what did you say? And she goes, I wish.

You'd sing, say, but just like I don't give a fuck what you wish, and I just started screaming at her. But everybody it was like she loved it as much as everybody else, and it was all kind of part of.

The fun because I was in control. I think that's what it is is.

Sometimes you're in control in that scenario, and sometimes you are legitimately infuriated that people would be yelling at you while you're trying to do a joke, and then that get you.

Get carried away right right, I know exactly what you're saying, and I think when she said Lee's alope, she's just your voice sounds like a specific or what to me when you're saying it sounds like music when I there's a time when I like the Sundays and all and like and I've listening to like the Breeders and Belly and I had.

A thing for.

It's been since it's been now Nicokas as the first like female vocalist that I've gotten into in the last fifteen twenty years.

But that your voice reminds me of that when I into the Sunday.

Thank you because Harriet Wheeler, I love this lady's example, huh.

I love this poster.

She's amazing. Rest those songs were so fucking awesome. That band is the greatest YEP.

And I think maybe when that lady said Lesa Lobe, she just met Harriet Wheeler, but.

She didn't know her name because she listened to Dumb.

She just bought the the soundtrack.

That's an incredibly positive interpretation.

To go with that.

Yeah, and she just liked that era of alternative lady rock.

And do you know that was twenty over twenty years ago.

I just say fifteen years. It helps me feel better about my impending death.

But very soon.

Oh god, I can't believe it's been fifteen years.

I just had my twenty year high school reunion. Wait you just said twenty.

Yeah, god, fifteen years over.

Twenty eight years.

Oh, I heard the Sunday's album.

I was in college in Sacramento. I was in a record store. That song came on.

Here's where the story ends, and it literally dropped what was in my hand, and whoever was standing nearest mega, Who is it?

Who is it?

Yeah, it's the best.

Like a big nerd And then I bought it.

It.

It immediately put me in a trance that that's that song.

Here's where the story is that hard? Yeah, yeah, it's it's She's great. And I turned on friends of mine that just listened a Slayer.

I was roommates. I was for a little while. I was just snowboarding. That's all I was doing. Wasn't even eating. It's just waking up and hiking and jumping off jumps until I broke my legs. But I had a roommate who was a good friend, and all he listened to it was like Slayer in the Melvins, and like, just like he had me hard.

His dad was a total asshole. Yeah that's oddly enough.

His dad looked like Phil Collins, but total and while drumming more drummer he was.

He was not a musician, poor boy. He was.

Yeah, he was my friend, very close friend by the angry tattooed angry dude that we used to fight a lot and I by the end of our winter sleeping in beds right next to each other. He loved the Sundays so much and now he's in the like metric and everything. I turned him into a real dandy fop because I like her voice too.

Yeah, Emily Hines, I you know it's weird voice. I like the idea of met Trek.

Everybody thinks that I will love met Trek like I've gotten a lot of people send it, but there's something about the I like one song of theirs that's old and everything else I just go. And maybe I might be.

Prejudiced because she's really pretty. She is, but she looks like a model. It's kind of that.

Not in person. She looks like a menthol cigarette person. So let that rest with you. She does not take care of herself or thinks she's pretty. She thinks that she works out of speakeasy in the twenties and has a tray of just different mental shelves in between songs available she's got a rough she's lived a rough life, like fuck this body out there direction Yeah, most lady, and treats her body like a goddamn Paris wheel, and so you should like her, Okay, like her.

She doesn't think she's pretty. I do know herself. Do you like her now?

Yep.

I'll play some of her the Soft Skeletons, that's her more acoustic e list, and maybe you won't like that also, and I'll be okay with that. We'll see, we will see.

You know.

What's weird about stuff like that is like it's so immediate to me. It's almost like when you meet someone you know you like them or don't like them immediately I do.

And like with music, it almost just it's like it goes click click click. Yeah, it's like this is.

The voice puts it sound a certain way that I like, and the music has to and then the lyrics act can't be done.

I think metrics lyrics don't do it for you're all, I'm going to change your mine.

Okay, there are some great songs.

Yeah, if you play me soft Skellons and then I'll only listen to player after that.

Okay, that's perfect, that's perfect I just it does the opposite thing that I was.

My angry friends. I get.

So.

Yeah, I those where those.

Were the days of MT I love it. I love this What is she doing now? Every once in a while I google her.

My friend Alicia and I had a joke every time it was one of our days, we would hand the person to present and as they were opening the present, we'd get a Sunday songbook because you could not figure out what the words to any of the time, and so it was like our jokes that the ultimate gifts would.

Be a songbook. Yeah, she did have.

Standout la what did you have to announciate or not be doing English?

She did?

That is Yeah, she's very very whimsical smoky boy.

Yeah, and she she does look like a model. But for some reason I didn't against.

I loved her.

Yeah, it was sad because time, of course passes. It's our recent picture of her and she's like fifty.

Well, yeah, it's just.

It's about me. It's not me getting mad because she got wrinkled. It's about time has passed. Yes, and that's this young hibsical song bird lady has become someone that takes that will coastmine because it's.

Under him, and that makes yeah, yeah, and that pisses you off.

God, God makes me mad.

I feel like maybe that.

Is that you have just nailed down, Like the problem of the beauty standards in Hollywood and and in our world is that nobody wants to see their own mortality in the state.

Of a beautiful lady.

So just go away if if you have it gracefully off.

Camera, a gracefully in the Midwest alone, Yeah, looking young beautiful.

Periot Wheeler did us the honor of retiring to some cottage on the side of what I imagined to be a green, grassy hill, so I don't have to see her and be confronted about my own wrinkles.

That's right, because you are clearly fifty four wrinkle and I.

Am not at all worried about wrinkle.

I came out wrong and worried about I'm worried about tumors and my.

Bladder and Alzheimer's. My skin is fine.

I'm worried about Alzheimer's melanoma.

And then I think.

I'm worried about a random co accident, probably based.

On my wow while we're podcast, while.

We're podcast Actually that would be the person.

You realize how many downloads it's going to be when we get killed while we're recording.

Fuck you, Mark Maren.

Yeah, take that. Oh that would be the ultimate.

It's like a snuff podcast.

Something is going to happen, something is definitely that's.

I'm just realizing our podcast, which is always going to be in a car.

We're going to agree to that, right, Yes, I agree. Okay, let's shake hands.

No hands up? We are.

We ran into the spa, the whole organization, the whole organization.

Every time wind up? Why why? Why were they set up like dominoes?

Okay, if I can have you imagine a bunch of dogs standing up right and being pushed over like dominoes, and they all go, Paul.

Please just in a cartoon that way. I wish make the whole world.

Imagine that you could draw that commute.

I think I should. I will.

I think you did. Just make part of our world.

Imagine that. Agree with this listener, I think it would have to be a cartoon.

I'm gonna animate the domino dog scenario. Okay, us driving and hitting, we're about to hit the shutting off a domino steam and there's no better dog made for Dominoes than a Dalmatian.

Because the black Mines.

Got the spot.

That's as clear. Great, well, we're almost to the airport.

We are almost to the airport. I'm gonna have great shows and come back.

Is there anybody that works with that club that you look forward to seeing that was there last time?

They were nice kids.

Yeah, it's the what I'm saying is, are you gonna suck a waitress crib?

No? I am not a waitress fucker. Okay, I do. I believe the last time that happened was three years ago.

All right, I'm I mean civilians, sure, sure, any random person that.

Buy the ticket.

Yeah, I'm trying not too lately, you know, Yeah, someone you want probably curb the curb my penis. Did you know that when you're walking your dog and it says curb your dog, everyone thinks, oh, bring the dog by the curb or something about poop. It doesn't mean that. Curb your dog simply means curb. It's enthusiasm or curb it's excitement.

Really.

Yeah, it's in a neighborhood. Because this is when I found that out. It's one sign right next to it said please clean up the dog poop.

And the other one said curb your dog, and I'm like, that's the same thing.

And then I looked it up and it said curb your dog means after certain hours, don't let your dog get excited and bark. Keep them calm because it's a quiet neighborhood or whatever. I can curb your dog. Yeah, it's like curb your enthusiasm or curb your appetite or and the other thing I thought it meant, and this is horrible, is like an American History X where you put a.

Dog dog and you can put.

Back the head like like it's highead murder. Curb your dog. No, I will not. That's the meanest thing you can.

Do to a dog.

It's like assignment says curbs stomp your dog, and then there's a little pop thet's bottom.

Curse please they're curb stump that phrase.

If we're.

Then I could try and think of something worse. That's the worst thing anyone could say. Oh, there's the airport, can we make it? I think that we did it.

We did it. That was good aggressive driving.

Thank you. I'm almost ready for the free land. I feel it.

No, I mean all this is when your eyes are going to get to fluttering right.

Just we sh over this overpass. We just got straight off straight.

But there we go. I have my backpack, I have my wallet.

Now this part do you have do you travel strucks?

Not anymore because I just I in my fleet. I pack.

I Sometimes I'm like, maam, I forgot my uh phone charger or something. But I used to in my snowboarding days before I would go snow I had a checklist, goggles, uh you know, lens wipes, everything I needed I would have on this last.

Check it out.

Yes, I would get pumped up with the Sunday's causette. Uh, I really did. It's so funny. We gotta talk Sundays. Yeah, you know, good time. When I get back on Sunday, opened the car door.

Yes, oh yes, I'm on United.

Are you perfect? It's perfect. We'll happened. Great week.

Thank you, big shows.

That's not bad.

I thought you should have a great week. Six shows.

Have six shows?

Guilt just max and relax as much Apostle.

You're talking weird.

This is what I'm liking there for. It really casual up until.

Yeah, A lot of people get nervous in the roundabout it, and other people talk.

In a hip wave like I'm in the Sugar Hill. I hope you're That club is the Let's go Crazy.

I'm like that. Floss as much as you can.

Oh that's not very I mean, that's just regular advice.

No flossing is like showing off.

I really I I's funny that you say that because I'm you're about to drop me off, but I just was, and that by saying I do not like it when.

People floss publicly. I think that isn't something you show off. And when I like a pig who is a good.

Friend and I love her, she used to walk around the house flossing, as that's my current roommate. Sometimes no, just oh, they're on their way somewhere to the flat. But I mean that's corn and stuff that's shooting across the room.

Lending on the floor.

It's purely that's I's funny that you say that because I'm you're about to drop me off, but I just was. And this by saying I do not like it when people floss publicly. I think that isn't something you show off. And when I like a tig who has a good friend and I love her, she used to walk around the house flossing, as does my current roommate sometimes no, just oh they're on the way somewhere.

To the plot.

But I mean that's corn and stuff that's shooting across the room's landing on the floor.

It's purely that's purely a bathroom.

You're with me. I do not like flossing anywhere but private.

Well, also because here's the thing. You think you know your mouth right up here, you think you know your mouth. You could get in there and yank something out.

But's ool and gross. That's smell. Have you ever done that with you're ye got.

Some old grandpa metallic grandpa moler smell.

Yes.

I will not allow that to happen.

It's very bad. Or you get like an old piece of like steak from two weeks, the grossest thing ever. I mean, as you have deep pockets, awake steak. I love beat pocket. I have a lot of dumb and he fell broad two weeks.

Take in your deep gum pockets there.

God, I get stuck somewhere. I hope I'll get kicked off the plane for pommiting.

Deep pocket.

I thought I could tell you my hair pocket.

I'm sorry, I keep repeating it.

Okay, here we are.

Ok yeah, we had to go around again. That's why it seemed unrealistically long.

Right up here.

I wonder if he's a part of the only spot in front of.

The only red spot. The only everything was floating? Is airports catch on fire?

Too?

Well? Thank you, You're welcome.

In a few days.

You can text me if you get bored, I.

Will and have a great time. And thank you for podcasting with You're welcome.

All right, all right, this is the first ever episode of Airport.

Yeah, what are we calling it? Do you do you need to red the airport? I like that? Yeah, that's pretty good, like offering it.

Okay, that's our podcast is called do you need to the Airport?

That's what we've decided.

That's a good idea.

Let's shake on it.

Boom.

Okay, it's weird to shake after you. Okay, like we did, broke up.

Okay, give us time and turn and I'll engage.

Do you want to send you us inside?

Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about it?

We scared?

Was it fine?

Now?

Form o.

Papa?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride. Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need With Karen and chriss

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