Ep. 25 - Just Karen And Chris

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a Turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine? Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need ride? I've just gott in the car.

I'm Karen Kilgareff and.

I'm Chris Fairbanks. I have just been picked up Tim Gun. Tim that was real Tim Gun.

That was the real Tim Gun. We just drove by.

Wow, that really was There's no mistaken.

Oh my god. That is such good luck.

You know, that's good luck every time. I mean, I get used to seeing celebrities, but not as I'm driving through, not to where I could almost run over them with the car.

And also he's such a good celebrity, Like that's a quality person.

Do you think Yeah, I think I think I like what he does. I'm just checking the everything looks. Does it look all right, it looks fantastic.

God, it's really it's really hard.

I tried to start myself by myself, yes, and literally after fifteen seconds, I wanted.

To bail so bad. Oh, really, to talk by yourself. I don't know how people do it the.

Time I did it, because I did do one yeah episode somewhere around ten yeah, and I yeah, I felt like I was a crazy person. It felt self indulgent, and I felt like I was blurting things, and I got in trouble with the girlfriend at the time and my sister with some of the That's what I said.

For some of the blurts.

Yeah, yeah, No, not my sister. She didn't know. But anyway, some people were mad at me.

Well, uh, you were very funny though. That's what I was thinking of the whole time.

I was like, yeah, you gotta if you're going to do this, you have to at least bring bring what Fairbanks bought. And literally the second I started, I was like, I'm not even saying anything, and my face got all hot, and then I just started talking about all the news stories that scared me, and I was like, why the fuck would anybody want to.

Listen to that?

That's great, that's what you did.

Turns.

I bet if you listen to it, you would have loved it. I was having a great time watching because we've talked about this at the airport, watching everyone get into cars and embrace the people, their loved ones. I was really enjoying it. Yeah, and I had a very fun time bonding with comedians at the Big Sky Comedy Festival.

Oh good.

I almost didn't want to go because you know, it's a contest, and I didn't know a lot of the comics. I knew a couple and I was excited to hang out with them, but I didn't want to pay for a flight and all that. But it was. It was really fun and we had activities. And Billings, Montana is also beautiful, not just Missoula Montana because I thought, well, they don't have rocky mountains, they don't have the mountain ranges.

You thought Billings was the shithole that couldn't compete with miss l It's very conservative.

There's good. We got some Duck Dynasty Pelon types, but we have those in Missoula too, so.

You have them in La too.

Yes, they're everywhere, but in Billings sometimes they'll be like the mayor or something. They'll be the voice reason, they'll be the voice of your morning radio. Uh just spitting out the hate. And I did hear some racist stuff. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Best time ever, can't solve it all. In one comedy festival weekend, I didn't.

Win, but I got third, which is cool because uh oh that's great. The guy that won was great though. He was named Tommy Pope. I've never met him or.

Heard of him New York and what why did you think he was great?

He was just good at stand up and told stories about things that had happened that week, opened and closed with those stories shit, and I was like, wow, I would not have taken that risk at the finals of a contest, and he killed with those stories and just likable. And then a guy named Tony Baker got second. He's a comic I've heard of that I otherwise wouldn't be doing the same shows, you know with So it was yeah, yeah everyone. It was a lot of different comics and I had fun with Patrick Keane.

He makes me laugh, he's serious.

We just had a great time. So yay, it's the Big Sky Comedy Festival.

That's great because you were telling me about you were worried that there were activities this way.

Yeah, yes, and some of them I just didn't go. I shot guns, and I've never really shot. I think once in the woods, I shot a rifle that was not that like a twenty two and shot some clay like discs that you fling in the air. And that was kind of cool because you're shooting a thing, sure, and you're in a field. But going into a shooting range with a bunch of comics that were nervous to hold an guns, I think that everyone in there there with something about a comedic mind not liking guns. And

Yeah, that's the thing.

I guess I'm shooting Jackie Fabulous, who was delightful. I would never shoot her.

I'm just saying, well, that's the thing. There's so much risk involved.

It's like the idea that people think this is, this is what's going to make me feel safe, is is just such a lie. It is that people are telling themselves because there's nothing less safe.

The most horrifying thing in thinking about it was what if I shot somebody and that's what they're for, So don't have one.

If that's your fear, Yes, for sure.

Even if someone I'd have to Someone would have to be doing something crazy and I'd have to be so sure. It actually made me respect cops a little bit because it would be so horrifying to have the right or the ability to be able to do that. I just wouldn't ever. I would if I was a cop, I'd get shot right away because I wouldn't drop my gun. Well, he doesn't look that, quid. Let's listen to reason. Well, he is pointing at me, that's my last thought.

He just screamed. He wants to kill you so, Mark, this is a.

Dangerous weapon I'm holding though, I mean his machete exactly if you had a a schetty, I wouldn't shoot a guy. I think that's freed him up with a bat.

Cops are either really good or really bad, because that kind of power corrupts you or it either corrupts you or it makes you respect life and people and right things.

I think I think it goes one way or the other.

Yeah. Probably, I was just really confronted by it. I did not I did not want to ever shoot somebody anyway. But the shows were fun, and uh, what did you do?

I haven't done much.

I helped, uh work on Kurt Browneler's he did his talk show pilot okay for Comedy Central, and I wrote a couple jokes for that and just basically kind of just hung out with my friends because it was.

All my friends that were working on it terrific. So I just went and pitched in. And that's about it.

That sounds great? Was it? Do you think it was a good pilot.

I think it's gonna be great. It's like The The Daily Show but.

For odd News okay.

And I just think that he's if like for someone to play a fake newscaster.

He's such a good person.

Yeah, yeah, he is good.

And he's super funny, and we wrote some pretty hilarious stuff. They wrote a ton of great stuff, So I think you should be good.

That sounds great. Yeah, send me a copy. I'll give my judgment.

We'll just see.

Have you ever been as hungry as I am right now?

Never? Probably?

Ever? I am the hungriest.

Just like the bowling alley. Oh, it says restaurant.

I kind of do want to go the bowling alley. But we don't have to have eating be part of our thing. We could.

I mean, if we had a bowling podcast and it was so.

Loud and we yeah we did, we had to do it down by the pins where that noise was just the worst.

Just it was just more for people who had a fetish about listening to bowling.

It is you know what, I wouldn't say, fat ash. It doesn't induce boners. But I do like the sound of bowling. It's comforting.

I do too. Yeah, I love bowling. It's really nice.

It's like it's almost like the ocean, like it just the sound keeps coming m hm until.

The until the ocean doesn't close at twelve am.

No, that's as far as I'm just.

I thought you made a comparison. I thought i'd show how the ocean and a bowling allergy are kind of different. I mean, I.

Feel like we're not an arguing podcast, but that's fine. I bet you there are if we're going to argue with each other. I bet you there are people that get boners from.

Bowling zone none. I think that that would be It would have to you. They would have to imagine a visual. Just the audio alone would not induced by.

And I know what listeners prove us right or wrong.

If you have forge of footage of you listening to only the audio of bowling.

If you develop hot bowlers only audio.

Yes, we all know the professional athletes of all types, including bowlers. We're not saying conjure them. Just the audio. Film yourself with a boner listening to it, and we will send you. Uh. We we have to make T shirts. I'm gonna work on that. We're gonna have T shirts.

What our T shirts?

I owe you for a T shirt, T shirt, T shoots shoots. If you got to send your boner picks, please don't send your boner picks.

Yeah, we don't want those.

But what if our T shirt is of uh in the bowling back in the background bowling, and then the foreground a big boner.

Just think if something that would.

Be a bowling boner. I was going to do a T shirt of a slice of pizza with sunglasses surfing, but a boner bowling. Let us go boner bowling.

Yeah, people bowling down boners.

M h, I like it. I mean there's gutter balls.

In the worst episode ever.

No, no, I wouldn't say that, not yet anyway. Anyway, I apologize. I just think that because I have the ability to make boners that I my opinion. I accept that you think that some people do get them from bowling. End of argument.

I believe.

Let's be friends again.

Okay, this is a good plan because I just believe that anything.

Can give people boy and girl boners.

Yeah.

Just an amazing array of things that people.

Senses, just different senses that you can tap in. For some, it's audio for some, For none, it's this podcast that's far. I find that it's you know, we've had some homers. Let's just review some of the best step Adomian episode that Todd Barry episode of the Huntsburger episode. Those are great. Stop listening to this one right now, we have nothing we've heard of one of those.

Leave wherever you are, just run into the street and away from your own ear.

Take this one, throw it against the wall and pick up the Toddglass episode and then go to iTunes and Raid as well. Let's go straight ahead and we'll go to that Swingers. Okay, I do enjoy it there at which point we can they not all of our podcast scaren have to be a full hour, thank god.

Right, there's some somebody I like to immediately picture someone sitting at work and this is the podcast that gets them through their day and they just start crying because it's not going to.

Be a right hour and they have just an hour break. And it's based on their bosses like well, shorter podcast, Shorter Break, Get back to work with your little fingers, Stay Law. It's podcast State Law points to a sign made of crayon.

That's because they work in a crown factory.

Yeah, exactly. Some of the if you work at a crayon factory with an angry slave driver of a boss who only lets you have breaks. As long as a podcast lasts and you listen to our podcast, I apologize that you're not getting your full hour.

Yeah, we're really sorry to you for all the reasons that christ and.

I haven't even mentioned. I just now noticed we don't have a guest.

I know you're the guest because you're the comedian.

Road It's gonna have, it's gonna look it. Usually it says the name of our podcast, and then there's a colon and then a name. But I'll I guess I'll just name my name.

Yeah, let's put your name, and then here I'll start asking you a real guesty question. Okay, shoot, what let's do a highlights low lights of like your favorite.

Moment from the a comedy festival, like just.

A drunken picture that you took with your mind and it's still in there, or a moment where some hilarious laughter kicked up because in great mya.

Okay, I was trying to talk you into it.

Thinking I interrupted because I was already sold. Stop talking right now because I'm on board.

Stop spreading the news.

I'm leaving right now. Today. I went I think the best times we're in the van, just riffing with comics. I forgot how much fun, and it helped reinforce that our podcast is genius, because every time we were in that van, every one of the comics was like, God, this should be the show. Yeah, I'm like, that is my show. Yeah, And so it was I'm trying to think of a specific moment.

Well, I get what you mean.

Those are those moments where it's it's all kind of strung together, but then someone thinks of the best, Right. It's that kind of thing where like funny, funny, funny, Oh my god.

They took it to a different place.

Yeah, yeah, it was I'm trying to think of Well, I do recall Patrick Keane. We were driving and he he saw something. It just saw the way a storefront was laid out, and he said, oh my god, look at the windows on that and I said, yeah, they were weird windows. Also, lower your goddamn boys and everyone we all laughed so hard. And it feels good to make a bunch of comedians laugh, yes, And I find that in a car, making people laugh is my comfort

So was it three thousand dollars?

Yeah?

Where'd they get that money?

I don't know. It was a lot of local sponsoring, like they we had activity, you know, horseback riding, which didn't the guy actually showed up with a gun and said get off my property. That's maybe I wasn't there for that.

I had had that's not your highlight, No, I.

Because I wasn't part of that. I wasn't in that group. But yeah, he's And then he peeled off and kicked gravel on all the comedians. Yes, like so apparently the guy's son was the one that said, yeah, you can come ride horses, and they forgot to check back with him. I don't know, Dad, Shooting guns was not my favorite thing, although I needed to do that and I needed to know that I so I can have more opinions about that when I talked to people.

Sure, it's good.

Sometimes it's good to have negative experiences just so you know what you don't like.

I definitely, I don't know. I just absolutely didn't like the way it felt and it looked made me. The gun was so powerful I could taste metal in my mouth and my elbow is sore from holding a handgun. And shooting it.

What was it a fucking musket?

They had some that were like crazy, like a handgun that shoots shotgun shells, and it was so loud and powerful that I'm like, I'm not gonna I am scared of it, and I do not want even I don't want to hold it. I was jumping just because. And then when I held I held the gun, I heard all the comics there watching through the window behind me, all laughing because of how much my hand was shaking. Oh,

Wait was the Firecracker girl a comic?

Yes?

It wasn't just some no.

No.

I can't remember her last name, but I liked her a lot, and I wish I could remember her name. But it was Leah and she was terrific, you'll remember.

And that was the highlights and low lights Big Sky Comedy twenty fourteen, Guns are scary, sponsored by guns being scary?

What is your next generic interview? Why is that person that is a curious resting place?

Yeah, there's been a lot of curb always is I've seen.

Yeah, just back right out and get a longer tram.

Oh, I do not like. I hope they are having fun on their vacation, but the driver of that luxurious retirement vehicle really needs to mind his back bumper.

He was just backing it out onto Lincoln like it was anybody's game now.

And if there was a cartoon of like a silhouette of a guy sleeping in the street from the fifties, like a cartoon version, maybe a defensive cartoon of homeless guy and in sensitive fun, that would have been the guy. Well, you know, he was hunched over.

He was on the curve. He wasn't like back against a wall, like relaxing. It was like he was on the curve crying about his high school girlfriend.

Right, there's extra tragedy and high school was so long ago for him.

Oh my god, so it's more to cry about. Yeah, miss is it? He wants to go back?

He's had no high school girlfriend since or girls it's more appropriate age. Uh.

I have noticed being out here on the West Side, lots of wandering wanderers. Like when I stopped by your apartment, there was a girl that was walking no shoes, couldn't tell how she looked like she could be fifty eight or twelve, sure, hippie ish, clearly.

On a lot of drugs, and she was where.

I just stayed in my car and waited for her to wander by so I didn't have to have a weird experience with her. And then I saw like four more people like that on my way to drive to the airport.

Wow.

I don't know if it's just the evening or is it the neighborhood.

Is there a certain type of moon out that gives everyone moon fever?

It's leftover blood moon residuals.

Oh, leftover moon platelets, residual moon splatter.

Maybe they have some kind of a moon hemophilia.

I gotta get a good read on this moon blood splatter, blood moon splatter.

Oh, there's some on the ceiling that means the gun was days in Gunward.

Don't tell me my job. I'm the blood splatter technician on this prec In this yes and scene, blood Moon Cops episode one, never to have an episode two. But yeah, I'm trying to think of what other There was just so many memories, so many enjoyable things.

I saw your picture of you posing at the gun place.

Yeah, that was I should have made taken more photos.

It's always sorry to right in the middle of your talking.

Oh it's doing great. Yeah, yeah, So if we take it right here on Broadway, we can go behind these Swingers establishment, and there are parking spaces there that a lot of people don't know about it, and hopefully they don't. They've already turned off this episode, so they do not know my little secret. The one thing about this But there's a few things that made this great. They made us stay with roommates, yes, which wasn't the best, but you did end up bonding with it. You couldn't get

Well, I mean, at the end of the day, they want to like have fun, hang out too.

They're humans, it turns.

Out, and you know, they probably if they're in the comedy realm. Then it's because they love it and they're truly fans, so they want to be like participating.

It's so easy to see.

Those people as like either the enemy or something to like aspire up to. But the truth of it is everybody just wants. People are just trying to find the person that's going to make them money. It's not like personal or right. It shouldn't be elitist or whatever. It's just kind of like, yeah, let's let's make something that you will be a reliable resource within, right.

Yeah, And they did. They did give some like industry panels, and we listen to them, and too many times I was afraid they did bring up, you know, being able to see if someone will make money or put butts and seats or it's marketable and something, and I'm like, oh, I bet I'm not that person.

Oh well, oh that's not true.

No, it isn't true. That's just a stinking thinking that I am going on to my own dumb little noodle.

Let's get rid of that stinking thinking.

Yeah, knocking, little little negativity knocking around, and I want to kick it out my ear hole.

We've already talked about your wonderful retro thirties hair. Yeah, I mean there's now Oh my god, it's from the seventies.

Yeah, now, I look, my hair grew over the weekend. Maybe it's that mountain air. You know what's better than yawning and the mic is burping midward. I'm not gonna let that one slide.

You've got to call that shit out.

Uh, you know what, Karen, I'm so hungry.

Wait before we go, please name your best friend from the from the festival.

Who's your best friend?

I really well. On the way home. I became very good friends with Tony Baker. He's a trap comedian. I knew him from last comic standing, but I never see him. I think he's probably on the road or at the comedy store all the time. But he's a He's a sweet guy and super funny. And I went into it really liking Patrick Keane a lot, and I even more so now. He just has He had the best bits off stage that all the comics just thought he was the best.

He was Was it your night or Henry Phillips Knight that he did?

When I did it? Do you remember I do not at the improv, I do not show together. He was so funny, and I'd never seen him before, and it was like, I just love that's just.

His whole yeah, all of his throwaway you guys. I got to get out of here. I got to wake up late tomorrow. But I and he didn't do this joke. But when another Patrick Kane joke is, hey, uh just got my head shots back and it looks like I'm gonna be a writer, It's like the best joke ever. He had so many great bits. And the one thing I didn't like about the festival that if I can allow them to hear some constructive criticism.

There's upward feedback.

Two teams, so each team without seeing each other. We are at different venues, so we only saw the finalists from the other team. I didn't see, you know, like he did the comics in this thing.

How many comics were there? Would you say?

I think total? There's twenty six in the contest and then there you know top three, Hey, hey, hey, I was at a big theater.

Hey hey, top three.

Ah, but I had a good time.

I knew you would. I knew you would be a finalist for sure.

I was hoping I had won, but I you know, the guy that won it totally made sense. The guy got second totally made sense. They were great, and I was extra quirky and silly. But and I know that the judges like me. But I think the crowd was like, oh, he's he's really a weird little bird, isn't he Like I didn't quite you know, relate to the audience. And I could have done things to have done that better. So it was a learning experience for me. I'm gonna

No, they'll know if you lie. The audience always know when you're being sincere. They can smell it.

I can smell it like a stink.

But that would be funny to just start writing like your ex wife jokes or something that has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Yeah, that's what That's what Andy Kindler was saying, Like I I wish I had my ex wife jokes, but I love my wife and I want to stay Mary Door, so I can't have those jobs.

I'm stealing from our own podcasts.

No, it's quite all right. You're stealing from a person that was on our podcast. It's different and worse.

I'm stealing an idea from Andy, and I'm giving it to you like a gift.

You know what I'm going to steal from many is the joke that he came up with. Oh, it's probably a joke because it's like, uh, well, no, we were workshopping at where he goes. Uh, people in the movie industry come to my shows to record room tone. I think that was I don't know. Maybe I said it wrong. He said directors and producers come to my He said it wrong. Yeah, we were like producers. Have you ever been on a set?

If I'm going to do a low light of this show, it would be when we started talking.

About other episodes during this episode.

I know it's a real and not even fondly. We're talking shit about past episodes that were better.

I'm stealing.

I'm forgetting things and then stealing them to tell you about them as if you weren't there.

I don'tkay. I'm glad we did this because one we we have not skipped the Monday yet or an episode yet. We have to. We can't.

We don't want to miss.

This is for you, you people, if you've listened thus far. Our mission statement every Monday, well not it's Originally it was on Fridays, but we realized you maybe want to have it at the beginning of the week, so we change it. Plus it gives us the weekend to record. Every every week we want to have an episode even if it kills us. It will kill us if we can get in a wreck.

So it's going to be very forced and difficult.

Shoving it down, tell you about it aggressively and like a lot of gastro intestinal issues the whole time.

Do you really think that, just just immediately the all time low, you must have the sho.

You didn't even I didn't.

Want to do it. I only made that noise out of yes, and I knew it was a horrible idea. I didn't know why you even said gas show intestinal issues.

Because I'm forcing it too. That's what we're doing.

It gives you the farts to force it.

The theme is forcing forcing it real quick. Before we go, I saw your apartment. Oh yeah, because I had to pick up the.

It is it? What do you think of it? Well?

I noticed there was a lot of leather. There's a lot of there's a big leather pouse and a big leather chair.

Hey, daddy likes his leather. I'm a bit of a leather daddy. It was, but.

It's very nice. It's like it's like small, but like it's very cozy.

It's a beach bungalow.

Yes, it really is.

And as I was walking up, because you gave me all those directions of how to find the key of those different things that were hidden, and I was like, great, I'll never find it, here comes Nate Craig walking up.

Just swam in the ocean.

He does that night.

That's crazy.

But he swims in the ocean, and then he walks back to our place in the center of the street, dripping wet, with a look of determination on his face that could be misread I think as a murderer walking back.

He has a murderer.

Yeah, yeah, it's that widow speak, the kid from the Monsters. I believe Robert Blake. That widow speak means you, well, it doesn't mean anything.

It's some. It often means that you're like a heart throb from the fifties.

He's he's a handsome guy.

He looks a handsome guy a fifties Uh, you know, better than Tony Curtis.

He's an actor too. We got to get my roommate, Nate Craig in the movies.

Craig, Nate Craig, Nate Ken Great.

But maybe you know he's spending all his goddamn time in the ocean. He should be out auditioning late on a Sunday.

Hold on, I've got a pitch for you late Sunday night auditions.

Here's the pitch Splash too.

This time it's a guy, uh, the Madison, Madison's son. Yeah, he's a murman and he come. He washes up onto the Sure Santa Monica and walks up the street.

He's Darrealhannah's son. Okay, I can't believe you remembered her name was Madison, but keep going.

I love it's a great film. They named her after the streets.

Yes, I remember she made all that really high pitched noise and all yes broke.

I mean with the shell on it like.

It was so similar to the pretty Woman lobster scene and.

Yet totally different. Yeah, more comedic, more comedic.

So that's what we'll do. We will write Splash two for Nate Craig.

Yeah, wu wud I do want to do a Merman video with him because he loves the ocean so damn much. He's already he's already done the research.

You know what.

He should be the foul mouth Mrman, so you know, like usually and then when the people have mermaid fantasies, it's like, oh, they come up and they they try to lure you onto the rocks or they're whatever, the siren song. But instead he pops up and it's like a murman and he has a pukahell necklace, and everyone's all excited and he's like, get the fuck out of here, stuff like.

That, get out of my waves?

Hey did you put the soil over here?

Or he's like the murman, I wonder which of us belongs here?

I have a fish lower body and you have legs. Get the fuck off my waves.

Sharks attack yeah, oh yeah, oh you're right.

He should. He should only be able to like get shut. I think there we should turn this to a drama, because that's some intense ship. If you could, if you could summon sharks and wield them as a weapon, you start out.

As splash and people will be like, oh, this is great.

It's a romantic romp comedy.

He gonna do with lobster. This is gonna be hilarious. And then a shark attack. Yeah, like commanded shark attack on children.

Yeah, yeah, so dramatic, so dramatic. I don't children don't know that it should be children. I think it should be school contenting adults, adults that were like, yes, I'd like to be killed by a shark.

Six children a water skiing.

Oh that's it's terrible. You've made a depressing film.

I don't care that. I'm an all toour and this is my art. I had to make it because that's what's inside me.

Hey, express yourself. Come on, girls, I done about it. Good. I have you listened to a Madonna song? Like she was the worst singer. She could sing, she can't sing still, No, she's I do like her. I do appreciate her. I don't. I won't want to take away her diva status.

It's almost more credit to her because she's like the number one pop over a couple time, and.

She's one of the worst singers.

But the reason I love that because I was a total Madonna. I was eleven when like early on Lucky Star came out.

I was there for the beginning.

Primadonna and.

Uh the rea. I loved her because I could sing like her, because it was like you, and.

It was like the most it was like, yeah, it was a twelve year old girl you like, Yes, this is how.

I really feel.

Like how whiny and like you don't want to You don't want to sing a pretty song to like Laura boy to you, It's like you're trying to complain to him.

Yeah, you want to keep it above your diaphragm.

Too, Yeah, just up in the right.

Nasal singing. Speaking of bull hot Bulls of Porridge, I will murder somebody if I do not have food soon.

Let's go get it.

I'm gonna get some food. Thank you for picking me up, my pleasure.

It was fun.

It's good to see you and and then I'll see you next week.

Thanks for listening.

Listen to this is Do you need a ride? You've been listening to d Y n A R.

By leaving you wanna way back?

Either way?

We want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you time and turn and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now?

Porn do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need

With Karen and Chris