Ep. 19 - Labor Day Episode!

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris?

Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

I'm heading to the home of Karen Kilgareth, my co host. I am on her street. She's in the front yard. I'm driving the vehicle. She's in the street, almost dangerously walking in front of the car and now realizing I will unlock the door, she will enter. Hi, Karen, How it's your microphone? The cable is under you?

Yep?

Yes?

What are you doing?

Oh? I'm in that Simpsons marathon. Man, I've been watching it for like three days.

Oh, the one that everyone's been talking about.

Yeah, I didn't know about it. Is it ending or something?

Well, I'm not sure when it's I don't know when it ends. But they've been showing every Simpsons ever.

It started like three days ago, even the ones where they had really weird lips. You mean the beginning, the beginning their.

Yeah, their lips would shake and stuff like yeahs.

Yeah's lips. We're vibrating, Bernie Burps.

Uh yeah, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm taking you to a party, A work related party, Yes.

That's right, a work related party that I can't invite you to.

I don't want to go to your work related party.

How dare you assume.

I must have really hit a nerve right there?

Boy, I didn't.

I mean, it had crossed my mind and then also stayed there for a while that I hadn't been invited. But what I immediately was waiting to do if invited was turn it down.

I don't the working class looking down on me.

If you did get the thing you wanted, you would definitely make sure to reject it exactly so that you were in the driver's seat.

Well, I just know what a party like that would.

Be, like, Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it in you know, knowing nothing about it. I just it's a work party. It's a little bit fancy, and the people I work with I love, and they're all going to be there, thank god. But we're all the new people, so it's not like going to a season rap party with all your friends.

I'm closer you to that neighbor. He's enjoyable.

There's a lot of TV ready people around here, let's just call them pilot season ready at all times.

That guy was walking his dog, but he had his head shot in his hand.

Did he really?

I hope?

So maybe it was the dog's papers.

I turned around and he looked like someone that would have been on a Waty's box in nineteen seventy nine. He had really small shorts.

And he had like that. He had that prefund look to his spelt legs.

He looks like he runs until it beyond torture. He keeps on running.

After that, just like they did.

In the early eighties, in the pre Nike days.

So sorry, you were saying, the party isn't it's not a wrap party. It's just a labor day party. And we work together exactly.

It's like the it's the Big Bosses party. So we're all uncomfortable going ourselves.

Oh wow, yeah, because we don't.

We know like one.

Person there that doesn't sound fun.

Well, we'll see the good news is it's.

Close to weeks. How dare you invite me?

I like to do.

Invite you into black holes and traps and pits.

They would just go we all have the day off from our jobs.

What's your job?

And then I'd have to go and I did some peanut voices.

And then someone goes, oh my god, did you do the angry peanut? And then they and that's when how you get discovered.

Oh maybe, yeah, maybe I should go to this party. You can't do you think they would have? They they've gotten their hands on an unreleased Skippy Peanut butter commercial.

Oh you know what, that's very possible. Should I call ahead?

People in the biz?

I just before I show up. Have any of you seen this angry peanut Skippy commercial? It's okay, well it is sweeping the nation. I've heard o't.

I'll be very big bus going on about it. But you know, it's your choice.

It's your choice to not know about it.

I feel these days, I'm so bad at parties. I just have no patience. I'm just bad at party.

I've seen your parties owning it. Reefer in one hand, Heroin in the other all types needle drugs. In the other hand, you know how a drug multitask.

I like to do all my drugs right when I get there, yeah, and just see what happened.

Of course, that's one thing that I don't like is for a party to change in any way.

So I go high as shit yep, and stay that way.

Yeah, and then just keep rolling through the whole party, dosing and rolling and snorting. That's our lives down here.

That's what it's like in Burbank slash North Hollywood. I don't know where we are. We're in Burbank.

This is Burbank, and now we're kind of heading over to It's a weird area. Universal City is what they call it, because we're right next to Universal City.

Well, I won't, you know, release the address of your work boss.

We are sensitive to that. Under you need to ride.

Before dropping someone off or taking them to the bank, we do not recite their bank.

Or their or their gate codes to their houses. No codes will be read.

There is a learning curve on this podcast, and.

I suppose we yes. In the beginning we read some bank statements.

It was totally it was great content. We were told to do it.

I think we're doing our homework.

If right before we pick up a guest, we dig through their garbage and grab their bank statement, what else do.

People want to hear about the financially What do you think about the fact they're making a they made a movie out of Alexander and the Terrible, horrible, no good, very Bad Day. Did you ever read that book?

I did never.

I never read that book, maybe because I probably couldn't have even made it through the title. It's it's so long. It's what I'm saying.

It's a real good book, is it. Yeah, it's the kid has the worst day of anybody's day ever.

Oh wow, it's great and does it still hold true to today?

A lot of the examples.

There aren't enough iPods in.

It, right. I bet the new one we'll have a bunch of iPods.

Yeah, hopefully they'll update and make the kids stare at his phone all day and that's why he had such bad I.

Hope the whole movie is sponsored by mac.

It's a story of an eighth grader who signed up for Twitter. I think that was a couple fighting on the street. I'm sorry, but I love that.

I love it when it's public and I love it in the street. Yeah, and when it's audible, should we turned around?

If you take a right, we'll just go in a big square.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, there's nothing better because you kind of want to immediately be able to size up who's in the right and who's in the wrong. Right Like that girl had very red hot cheeks, and I bet you she had been wronged.

Well, that's what they need. They need a mediator, that's right.

They need us to pull up.

I excuse me, people, I have no experience prior to this, but I see that your wedding is on the fritz.

Why did you get married on this sidewalk? First of all, of course, there's going to be fighting after that happens.

And it's a horrible place to have a honeymoon, which clearly you're on.

What a crazy set of plans you had having it all take place right here in Universal City.

And then they'd just be like married, she'd this bitch just has my money.

Bitch, Oh, don't go there, that's Universal City. You want to go into the park.

It's okay, it's okay.

I just have to say hi to a guy that works the gate.

He owes me.

Oops, it's some hot dog money.

We had a barbecue off my ass, sir, I.

Think that it's okay, Okay, I'm not panic? Oh right, yeah?

Yeah.

Does this remind you when we went to the Forum?

It does.

It does remind me of the Forum and that day that was the Video Music Awards.

Oh is that what it was?

That's what was happening.

Uh, we're so with it.

We totally are with it.

I bet if you go left you can get out of here.

I bet I could.

I think you get on like the freeway or something.

Oh I suppose I want to do that?

Oh freeway?

Now do you have a party tonight?

I don't know, it's I should. I feel like a dork.

If I don't, I'm just gonna do a U turn.

I don't.

I guess I'm not popular.

Karen, Well, oh was your side?

I don't like it?

When Hi, how are you an eight year old who bought a vest? In no way is she a traffic cop. She's just wearing me on and waving me through a red light.

And also she's waving toward herself, which is not a way to direct exactly.

You are you fanning yourself? Are you? And then I'm straight over here.

Everything I know in life is to not drive through a red light and then.

Some girl and our guy.

It doesn't matter, it's the vest I have a problem, and clearly okay, now this is this is just stopped cars.

When's the last time you've been to the Universal City.

I've never been to Universal City? Really the theme park or otherwise this weird mall. I've don't stand up at their Saddle Ranch. Oh, how was that make a decision? Yeah?

I think it. I think you just loop up here and around.

Yeah, I've done it. Okay, Oh I've taken that wrong turn before.

How is stand up at the Saddle Ranch?

For the love of Pete?

It was.

Usually doing stand up there for a guy named Pete. Yeah, no, it was fine. Sometimes there was a lot of people. It was awful.

I quickly changed my mind.

Are you telling me the truth of them? Anyway?

It was it was I did do stand up there all the time. I don't know why. I don't know why I drove all the way because it was a full restaurant.

The Saddle Ranch is filled with people.

Yeah, and they have a giant stage and huge speakers, and it has all the all the makings of a good show aesthetically, but the people in the audience have all committed crimes and or that was my experience. It was with x cons. I don't know why. It's not like the Saddle Ranch on Sunset. It's a different kind of asshole. See look at that person scratching their forehead. Yeah, yep, I'm an itch. I have an itch.

This is a specific code us.

It all piss it all away, it'd be.

No tell me, just take care of it. Okay.

I'm part of my job as driving and talking. I would like to share the navigating. Okay, so I'm sorry. I just know I'm insanely controlling. It's quite all right. I need it. I need control. I need you to be controlling.

You know. I like that this episode is just us once again, because these are the things we never get to discuss when other people are here.

This is what people want to hear, the level.

Of control that I have or that you have, given.

Problems I have it with navigating. We wouldn't be hearing this if someone's like, blah blah blah, I have a show comedy I write on this. I'm a third party.

Here are my thoughts about doing stand.

Up comedy with your thoughts.

Norsville.

That's where we're suddenly driving.

We're headed straight there, population you and the back mm hmm.

All right, Well, what's been going on besides.

Uh well, I uh, I hate when I am asked that, and I have nothing to say, So I'm going to say.

I've been going to the beach a little bit.

Oh that's good.

I went to Denver. I guess that was the thing last.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your festival festival very fun. It was my festival. You're correct in saying that.

There was built around your acts.

Everyone did my jokes. It was uncomfortable to watch, but it was.

But then you came out and you were the best one. Yeah yeah, yeah, you've seen the rest. Now that's the best person that wrote it.

I think see the best is better because it rhymes. Okay, you've seen the best, You've seen the rest.

Now it's see the best exactly.

It was fine, it was last time I was there. It was that's a town that just or maybe all of Colorado got weed legalized. Yes, so it's kind of annoying how they're shoving it down your throats the whole time, and I was kind of expecting that, and I like a little bit of weed shown then, but not in a performance environment. I don't want them to be high. I certainly don't want to be high. Yet I did do both those things.

Well, it seems like that's kind of that's you know, square one these days in that place. Yeah, I mean, you're not gonna not get an audience that isn't high.

And they weren't as excited about there weren't.

They didn't actually have bongs in the audience, which I swear to God last time they did. And this time I didn't smoke. I drank a soda. Yeah it was seven ccs or whatever. I don't know the measurement with edibles, but I drank seven of them in one soda.

And that's a lot.

It is a lot.

And I felt, okay, it's just that everything I said started with the word sorry. Oh right, that's kind of what being high does to me.

I'm sorry, I'm here, but I have something to say.

That's the May I please say something.

I'm sorry, I'm high, Excuse me, and I'm going to tell you I'm high now. I also have to check my bank account and perhaps call my mother, who won't be.

Answering, Now, do you believe that there is a secret city underneath Denver?

That's what they kept saying, And.

What's your belief system on it.

I believe that there are tunnels, that's all.

Where do the tunnels lead?

Chris? So the White House? They said, what do you believe that?

Of the tour we were given under the McNichols building was simply to a boiler room. Oh, here's the underground tunnels. It kind of looks like a fucking basement. And then we were taken down a long hallway and there was a door boarded shut, and apparently the White House was right behind it.

Huh give her take several huh.

So I don't know. I don't think anyone knows.

I think there's some folklore behind it. People like to talk about how continuous these tunnels are and how it's for elite groups of illuminati, rich people to go down there and put on powdered wigs and give each other spa hand jobs. But I don't believe in that whole world, the conspiracy world.

Can't those people just stay above ground and do all those exhausting.

Exactly out in the open with your powdered wig hand.

You're used to it at this point. I mean since some eyes watch shut, those people have been fully exposed.

Yeah, it used to be just something you didn't talk about that Washington and Madison and Adams did together, so many colonial hand jobs. But that's what our country was built on. Yeah, you built this city.

On colonial handtime, colonial jobs.

Do you ever want to go to the El Royal Motel and get murdered? Uh?

Never?

It certainly looks like the place for it.

I look at it every time I drive down this part of what is now Ventura.

What did it used to be?

I think it's always been a terrible motel where young actors and actresses get murdered. It looks like nothing else.

Yeah, it has to be.

I mean it doesn't look like they've made it. It used to be like a furniture store and then they turned it into that.

No. No, it's always been a murdered hotel.

For it's motel health.

I'm new to Los Angeles. I have my big audition to brown and picking up my headshots at the printers. But it's getting dark and I better find a place to sleep.

Why there's a light on.

I'll just now and see if anyone's home.

Hell me, I've ben a room. It's what a reasonable rate?

Wow? Are you sure you want me to use that knife to sign the paperwork?

Why are you putting it in my tasso? And that's the last It's a really dumb. Actors are so dumb.

There's a fucking dumb because there's like four different steps where he or she could have left in both of our scenario that.

We allowed them in are made up world? Yeah, yep, but no Step one the light, don't look at it. Yeah, walk away, walk away from the light. That's the best advice I'll give any especially if you're on your deathbed. Yes, walk away from you.

Oh oh hello.

I mean a guy in a convertible Porsche did something douchey right.

In front of him.

I can't believe it.

I hope this Lamborghini in front of us is headed to a soup kitchen to volunteer. Oh, Los Angeles.

I still can't answer that question. What have I been doing?

I know it's the worst question ever. Let me ask you something different.

Okay, I've been doing a lot of stand up every single night.

Okay about this, what's the last show you did?

The last show I did was actually the night before last was at the improvisation Love that Room, and it was comics and then burlesque. That's always a nice combination. Sure people get used to seeing a comic. And then they have a girl that doesn't know the gymnasium but wants to be a stripper but is a little too athletic to do roller derby, and she goes up and show tastes.

Very specific mix of girl yeah.

Okay, and they say, hey, look at us. We have black bangs yep, and then uh, and then they have propellers on their nipples. Something happens in the middle. One girl did walk on glass, though why I you might you might ask.

Her that I'm talking to you.

I don't know.

It was impressive though, because she I guess she went to a place in her mind where glass does not penetrate your skin, because I've watched a guy go up with a bottle, so it was kind of like magic. I was actually obviously now I'm revealing that I was very impressed with this bird last.

Yah, you liked it plenty because she Maybe you liked it more because she wasn't.

Very athletic, right right, Exactly, I want to be intimidated. Yeah. Oh, I'm athletic and I have a job. Happy day, Get out.

Of my face.

And also, I mean, you don't want to see some skinny, sinewy bitch cut herself. That's the most disgusting thing of all.

Because you know, the veins are right there, right under the marrow. Oh god, So that.

You had a good set?

I had.

I had a really fun set. Yeah.

And who was there with you? I?

I was flying solo. I've been solo a lot lately and no time to myself. You know how I used to go out all my shows with an entourage, a group of guys. One of them is name a Posse, a guy named Turtle, andother Oh my god, what is this?

It's amazing? What is this two hour limit? I don't even want to be here for one second? Nuts?

That was That was a pretty uh, pretty high stakes intersection. I didn't help you at all as I was laughing.

It's quite all right. Who was on that concert? It was me and Kevin Farley, Chris Farley's brother, okay, who's very nice, has been doing stand up a lot lately. Who else was on it? I don't recall, ma'am.

Oh, she ough boy, she if I could paint a picture.

There is a woman who just was the equivalent of a like a bitchy thirteen year old girl. But she was an old She was an old haggard.

Yeah, but you can still tell she's mad at her dad.

Yeah, she's met a lot of things. Walking street toward our car.

I don't. I've seen that a lot.

When like, let's say the car is turning right and I'm at the intersection, it says walk.

Even if the car wants to turn, I go into a light.

Jog. Sure, I get the fuck out of the way.

Yeah, you just let him know.

She was walking down the middle of the driveway.

Yeah she was. And she also wasn't like she was looking down and she was unaware. She knew exactly what she was doing. You know what It also might be it's like a microphone is catching people's eye. Oh, and then they're thinking, what's this in front of me?

Am I about to get famous by some mobile fame station.

I'll sign up for your fame station.

We just pull over and then throw confetti.

Congratulations, you're famous. Now weirdos strangers are going to follow you around.

Don't signal ma'am, it's overrated.

Yeah, this is well. We're in studio city now, which it's just take a look around exactly what's happening, the kind of place we're in.

That man is yelling at a power box. Yes, that's what I call That guy looks exactly like Mario Lopez.

Yeap, the model, the underwear shirt model is wearing his underwear shirt to the bus station.

And someone in wardrobe gave him a skateboard. That guy, I guarantee, I know a little bit about this. That guy's never ridden a skateboard in his life.

That looks like a very small child skateboard.

Yeah, that's kind of the new thing.

Instead of longboards, they started making little tiny shortboards.

And how about kneeboards? Are they still selling?

They're telling kneboards every time you buy some keyboards.

And then if they're like, what if I want another kneeboard and they go, I'm sorry, but we just don't have McLamore of those. I know, I should get out of the car. Oh that that was a callback to episode one.

I mean that we just went all the way back.

We did.

We're not afraid to do that. We've repeated a lot of material this episode specifically.

Yep, I think you're probably right.

It's nice. It's like people know. It's like if you eat a McDonald's always tastes the same.

You'll always goods it's.

And they will be warm and kind of soft, and if.

You got if you were served them anywhere else besides McDonald's, you would throw it back in the business face.

Excuse me, there is warm ketchup that is mixed with tiny soft onions.

Can you take this back? You're at McDonald's. Oh well, never mind, thank you so good. Put it in my veins.

I do know that as far as repeating things that the exact words that I spoke about Denver's audience is smoking weed, I've said on a podcast, and I do believe it was ours.

I think it was well because we talked a little bit about the key.

Yeah, but that's all right, Yeah.

I mean that's this is our lives, This is our real lives.

And sometimes life repeats.

Itself and sometimes life is dull as fuck.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, I've had a pretty lackluster week, Karen, other than my giant comedy concerts at night where I blow the roof off the fucking joint wherever it is, with full confidence and well written material and little to no improv or panic.

Wow.

Yeah, that's right.

All those things are happening at one time.

Shit.

No, I've been in a panic.

I think it's a dark time right now. It's end of summer. We've got this drought on set. There's no peace in the Middle East as far as I know.

The boys of Summer have gone.

They've they're gone so left. We saw the deadhead sticker on the Cadillac. Oh wait, this gives us a chance to look at the ill Royal Hotel again.

Oh, boy of Charles so stabbed.

Oh they're right next to each other.

Oh it's two.

Hotels and one.

Yeah.

One you get murdered at the other.

They take care of the embalming and the burial rights.

They contact the family.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very nice.

It's a one stop shop if you want to get murdered and displaced.

Up.

Oh, I know what we should talk about. Uh, we should talk about the fact that some mysterious lovely person started a fan page for us.

Yeah, the dyna ar fan tweet Twitter account.

And then they retweet lines of ours that they like.

Hey, you know what.

I believe this happened, So it's going to be chock full of them, and that might just be one, but only based on cadence. I think it's because I raised my voice.

I think for me, it's just gonna be in parentheses.

Ha ha ha.

For this entire episode. But thank you for whoever did that. I didn't figure it out, did we.

I don't think I want to know.

Oh yeah, because it could be It could be anybody. Yeah, it could be my my Brad Pit. Sean hat to see who's on Twitter?

Who's Sean had to see?

He plays a cop and a lot of cop shows. He was on Southland, Oh okay, And I don't know he's He like follows a bunch of people we know and he's like into who is who is bred funny?

Who's Brad Pitt to you? Then if Sean Hadi see is your Brad.

Pitt, Brad Pit is nothing to me?

A green green era, keep it coming. I am not gonna. I will not take it the wrong way. When you're front seed drive, I need your help. If I check out and I'm just only rolling through an intersection, turn and scream at me and you do rapid hand gestures.

Okay, that always helps.

I just I definitely want to give you a little hangtime to make sure that I'm right right on it, the benefit of the doubt.

Just for a second.

You might have been thinking about something or really being like.

I was thinking about who Brad Pitt was to me?

Who is he to you?

He's a Missoula resident.

Oh, then there are they.

Oh him and oh this was the late nineties.

Oh, because the river runs through it.

Yeah, yep, you're probably exactly right.

Yeah, and maybe scenes from Legends of the Fall.

I don't know, excuse me, that was horrible, horrible loud.

Was Legends of All the one that got shot in your hometown. Wasn't there a movie?

The river runs through it? Okay? But Legends Fall of the Fall is more. I don't know, Wyoming, maybe Colorado, I don't know. It turns out I don't know. I don't know the Rocky Mountains proper, anyway.

I do anywhere between Nevada.

And Yes and the bottom of Mexico.

I just remember what I'm wearing, these ridiculous.

Glass I wasn't gonna say anything, but hello, Barbara.

Starts and these are guys you know what we're just.

Having to Those are the glasses my mom used to wear just when we went rafting.

Yeah, she wasn't worried about them floating away.

These are serious early eighties carpool mom glasses. They're tan and brown.

It's finding out they're serious glasses. But I can't take you seriously. We'll wear it. I know.

That's the great, that's the great.

There is nothing wrong with your glasses.

I just looked in the rear view mirror. I almost never wear sunglasses.

And you can say that again, rearview mirror.

I can't do it. Do you want to hear me?

Try rearview mirror, rear view mirror, rear view mirror, rearview mirror. I did it, rear view mirror.

We're we're more rearview mirror and rearview mirror mirror, mere view mirror.

There, I did it.

I just have to turn to a young girl at the mall.

And say that to her.

Yes, excuse me, I have to turn to this young girl. Near view mirror, near view mirror. G.

That's what you have to do.

You have to really enunciate review mirror. I am G.

And when someone says l uh in text. I like to read it out loud, like wa.

Do you like that?

Like that?

All right?

Uh so we I was in the infront group short form the games like whose line is at any game? Like Yeah, I did for a number of years, like freeze tag and making up songs based on it, someone saying play by factory or play by factory, pactologist, play by mansion. Oh this is gonna be good at your cervix and then we and then people you know, there's jokes in there and then But Brad Pitt used to always eat at the Old Post where we would have our shows, and we would come in and do our.

Warm up like exercises in the alley and come in.

He's gonna stay this time, like waiting for Guffman, And he always laughed. He's like, oh fuck, I forgot it's Monday again.

I'm not gonna watch this goddamn drama troupe. And he would leave every time, and.

We'd all kind of get a little bummed, as did the audience, like I want Brad Pitt to watch this thing too.

The audience would I think they were thinking that.

Now wait, can I ask was he there because the movie was being shot? Was he there. It was way after that, so he liked it enough to come back.

Yeah, he liked it enough to buy a house and live there, because.

I heard that Montana's the shit there, didn't anymore live there, and a bunch of people.

Yeah, I think the one that was always around and actually went to like Missoula City council meetings and complained to my dad about her, you know, property taxes, was Andy McDowell. Oh yeah, exactly, that's kind of I mean, she peeked with saying almost fire. As far as her green card, come on, let's give her a little green card. Let's give her her green card.

I give her nothing.

So she got extra died into wherever the fuck she's from Canada, I guess, and I don't, although last time I flew home for Christmas, she was on the plane just sitting coach. Really yeah, So I kind of think that she's cool because she just is like, I'm a regular person in Missoula is my town. Like she tried so hard to be part of the community, and everyone was like, get out of here, Hollywood, and they were

Lady, you know what she is. She's on the Hallmark channel. I'll tell you that right now.

Oh is she? Yeah, well, it pays the bills. It's on the Hallmark channel. Correct me if I'm wrong that those are just little skits where they reenact different grating cards.

If only it would be the.

Best happy graduation from a great ants.

I heard you're feeling down and then you open it up and there's nothing. It's just a signature. That was a really shitty episode.

I like the idea of a graduation card that's happy graduation. I hear you're feeling down. I hear you're scared to go out into the world.

You should have joined the army. Happy college. But yeah, she she You know, one time, though, I was on a date. I was in college and Annie mcdell was on the other side of the bar. She had her baby, who's probably a teenager now I was not. I was twenty two maybe oh, and she just pulled out her tit and because she was breastfeeding, and of course breats feeding in public is absolutely fine, but she took a long She pulled out her breast and then leaned over to grab her baby.

Uh huh, And there was a long pause.

And it's a famous person's nipple get out, you know what I was like. I was like, let's let's help her pay off her house. She's staying look at that Look at that nipple.

Well, if it took her that long to pull her boob out, it couldn't have been that nice of a booth.

It was at the time a spectacular booth.

You don't want your boob described as long.

Isn't that kind of kind intended? You should do something about it and go to some kind of doctor. If someone says, hey, why the long boob.

Dear grandchild, that's the next.

Episode I heard. You heard I have long boobs, grandmother.

It's not it's a lie. Don't listen to anything they say about your grandmam.

And tight and high up to my collar.

Bones and will always be so they are.

The best of boobs. Siged.

Just to contend, here's five dollars.

Yeah, every every time you open a car and just shake it. Yes see, if there's that sweet long boom, money, get.

That long boot money. Fives and ones crumpled up. Whatever it takes.

You started to sing a brand new pop hit and you backed out.

Whatever it takes.

The long boos, the fives and ones and shake it, shake it, Shake it till the fives and lawns fall out, Shake it till the wands fall out, Shake it till the fives and wands fall out.

It would shake it till the ones fallout. Birthday. Sorry, I stepped on your grandma's one, Grandma's birthday, Grandma's birthday. Shake it till the WANs come out?

Shake it?

Can I ask you sorry?

I would have gone with please no and me. If I start doing the Grandma.

Round, I'll throw up a block real quick. So wait, you and I were talking about the fact that you did have a party, but was your party last night?

My party?

Oh?

I was gonna go to the Power of Island's house where I guess Michael Bush lives. But uh, there's a guy that is I know that's going to be there, that stole a jacket out of my garage at my fourth July party, and I have confronted him a couple times, and then my roommate really recently got in his face and said, you owe Chris, like two hundred bucks.

It was a nice jacket. He's not.

He's like it was in my car and my car got impounded and it's gone.

And I know he's gonna be there.

And I know that if you go no, he probably is a big he probably beat me up. But I know that we'd both be willing to go there at this point because even though I'm a goddamn adult, Karen, well, I'm a grown man. I would just I probably would just kill him with kindness. That's what I've learned to do. Forget about the jacket. I know you're a loser and you're not gonna give it back to me. Led by gunes, be bygones. I'm swimming in money now, That's that's what

That's it, You're that's what counts as kindness.

Lying.

I'm gonna spare you're hold on.

I'm killing you with kindness. You're a fucking loser and a thief. Too kind for you. Stick the kindness. I like this area because this is we're driving towards Sunland right now. Oh, and it's real sketchy out here. Well I'm not really, like, nothing would ever happen. This is just these are like the people that have three jobs in Los Angeles.

And you can tell from the background noise it's a historic cobblestone road.

Yeah, this is one of the great roads that stopped getting paved in nineteen ninety one. But there's great thrift stores out here, really good ones.

Really yeah.

And then look at that. Look at that hotel with the horse on top. Oh god, check that shit out.

And it's a taxidermy horse, taxi dermy horse, a horse.

That pulled up. Can I get a room?

And then someone stabbed him, that's right.

And then that they have another hotel next to that that'll actually stuff animals that they've murdered.

So if you're into murdering animals, yeah, go to the horse hotel.

If you're a sicko who doesn't murder people, yeah, and you murder animals, you're a perfect murders animals instead, because you get off on that.

We are in a shitty part of the country. We are, Oh what is this?

It's just so we can give a shout out to their tourism board.

I feel like, you know, you come out here for your Elo locos, You come out here for your the one Carls Junior that you can find on the side of town. But when do you come out here just to like celebrate, celebrate the total lack of beauty or design or art of any kind.

And you can celebrate, help celebrate by going to any one of these many Pinata stores.

Just by two or four you may or may not see.

I don't like that I said there isn't really Piniana stores and me saying that I'm suggesting that we're in a horrible place and that it's also a Latino community, and I want to admit that there is no I did not mean that, and there are no Pinata stores.

Karen, you'll back me up on there.

I'm staring at two.

There is, however, an as Techa market would two cho that look a lot like to me exactly, But that story.

The word val I couldn't say the word rival stores. God damn it. I'm super off my game today. I think that's the beauty of my participation is that I'm really awful.

I think you're doing great.

Thanks Chris.

Yeah, so you, and you might not want to talk about it, but let's get down to the diddy nitty gritty long. You you checked your bank account and it was frozen.

What the hell?

Oh well, I see what I mean, we could It's it's nothing great, but my uh when I got my.

Divorce, nobody did.

Our taxes that it's that thing.

So basically, and I called, I've already talked to the accountant about.

It, but you're checking your bank frozen checking account well.

Because it's very involved, but essentially the I R S put a lean on my bank account. I've had that, so they're just pulling the money out. And I was like, oh my god, because I of course was getting these letters from the I R S and not opening them. Yes, probably shouldn't be saying any of this recorded, but and I was bouncing, and end of the day, I called the accountant and I was freaking out, and he goes, oh, it's just because the date is broke there, and they

Just really okay, Yeah, you're count and you and your neighbor lady is helping that was that you've told me that story.

She came over and she's like.

Let's do this, let's open these envelopes.

Well, because I knew it was bad, like in the first year when I knew the taxes hadn't gotten done, so I like was frozen up. But it was all very much connected to my relationship just falling apart. The whole thing was horrible, and I was on the road for two years in a row, so.

So basically dealing with this it's all the equivalent of dealing with his record collection and.

The exactly exactly, and they're kind of like, there's so much you know what finances with me. There's so much like panic and fear around all of it. It's crazy, and then you create problems.

That's how we were raised. Yeah, money is a scary, sacred thing.

Yes, that's exactly right.

If it don't look at it. Even when I shook a greeting card, I wouldn't look at it. How is this legal that these fifty look at We're about to watch this kid ride a scooter into the propeller of a boat boat.

That's the worst boat accident on land.

To be honest, though, it's kind of overkilled with that helmet and he's wearing a fucking Lance armstrung Neil, who's the race god guy? There's a Louis He's he's in Earnhardt. Oh never mind, it doesn't matter. I just love the bicycling of Louis Armstrong.

Two seeks. We just drove by Seeks that you rarely see that in Los Angeles.

Yeah, those were in and uh Seek specifically do they wear neon head and where we're.

Gonna watch those kids wipe out? There's no way that's not happening.

That was crazy. You could probably hear it.

We got the ambient mic turned up on full scooter capture and.

I like the way that that lady on the corner waved at them, like get off those things.

Which is pretty hilarious.

Oh really see there's a ship some of stuff happening in Sunland.

I can't believe those are They are going faster than the cars on They basically are the size of razor scooters. Yeah, with they have guns, high powered uh you know, lawnmower engines on them. And now they're getting on the bus with them or no, they're doing They're they're doing some maintenance work that guy's like, oh, I have my settings.

That one guy has a long gray beard.

And he's hanging out with a kid.

He looks like a child. He is the stature of a child, but he is a long and a long gray beard. That's so weird.

And he's with a child, but that's not his child. One man's African American, the other maybe he's adopted.

Let's go chase them. I want to know about their family history. Pardon me, Scooter, Scooter, father and son.

We're from this American life.

We want hello, Scooter Gang, I'm Ira Glass.

Is that his name?

Yeah?

The one guy? Yeah? Does he do all this American life?

My impression of him?

Yeah, yeah, I.

Don't know what I didn't do it. I can't do impersonations. God, I wish that James the Domain was in the car or on top of the car. Remember that, Oh call him that moment to the past moment.

God damn it. We were once very good at this.

Now we recall the times that we peaked.

Why not look back?

Now?

I really know, And when I do.

Duets, it's the hardest musically. You don't know whether to be you know, strike out on your own right or just follow what's musically.

I'm so glad you said that, Karen, because I think it's time I strike out on my own. Oh shit, we've been striking out together this whole time.

We haven't. We haven't done it out.

You're doing very well, good well with your solo music. And don't think that I haven't noticed that our dual music is kind of striking out.

Oh, by the wayside, we've been striking out. So I'm about to strike out on my own.

We are getting closer towards Nevada, very close. Oh god, you could still it's still. It sounds like I smoked for a while.

At least.

That dom DeLuise exhale, Yes, God, rest is sult any time.

I liked it that a white truck just crossed two lanes of traffic to drive into the donut shop.

He didn't get it.

He's like Jelly failed, see you later.

I don't care about the well being of other mortyers. I don't look at.

What's going on out here. Suddenly it's getting fancy or something with floors.

Yeah, it's like, I don't see what you're saying.

But back there, that one.

Dog, I'm just seeing rusty equipment rental when you get up to.

This light, I think you're gonna want to take a right.

Maybe his name is Rusty, but that's still a horrible name for an equipment rental place.

Rusty should be a good enough businessman to know that he needs to use his full name, Russell.

Russell's Equipment Roasty equipment Rental just does not. Maybe it's not a good testament to the quality. Oh, another murder hotel.

And I just saw a man grabbing on a lady's boob in a way that I couldn't tell at first if it was problematic, and then it just looked like she was shoeing it away.

Should we wear capes and go out and try and intervene a lot of the ship.

I feel like a lot of it is totally uh consensual, and and everybody's into it.

Yeah, yeah, I think you're right.

Just saw a billboard that said take time to be a dad today. That's the kind of neighborhood we're in.

But only if it's your day.

The rest Saturday, Sunday, holiday weekend.

Take take time to be a dad Tuesdays and Thursdays like.

Everybody else is doing.

Yeah, yeah, just a moment of silence to think about all those latch key kids out there staying with their dad one day, staying with their mom the next.

We were latch key kids growing up because my dad was a fireman, so he would be at a firehouse three nights a week. Oh wow, and my mom worked so we would go home and.

He had he had seventy two hour shifts.

Yeah, three on four off.

Wow, is the fireman my brother in law's two on two off? I think? Oh yeah.

Is he volunteers full time?

He's full time man. He's the top. What do you call him?

The lieutenant or sure captain or he's up there.

He's been doing it for a long long time. He's been a city Spokane, Washington.

Nice.

He also worked at the fireman's credit union on those days off.

Oh that's smart.

Not afraid to work, my brother in law.

A lot of moonlight is other things, because they have so much free time. Once they get you know, once they get it down.

Some walk botty nice, some fly body moonlighting, firemen who get caught in the fleet, who get burned in the flame. Oh what a great show, speaking of taking you back.

Oh we're already the empire show girls.

Oh my god, did.

You see that old business man sitting outside of that strip club.

Oh god, I swear.

To god, I feel like there's such a lack of self awareness in men and strip club or like, there's a Hooters commercial on right now where it's the guy talking directly to the Hooters girls who are like as if they're in football training. Uh, and the guy sounds like the oldest PERV of all time. It makes me laugh every time I listen to it. He's like, don't don't spill that beer, but it sounds like he sounds like an old football coach.

Oh yeah.

So it's just like these poor young girls and this old PERV that's bossing them around.

Oh that sounds awful.

It's hilarious.

But I do.

I mean, I used to go to Hooters because I had a fifty percent off discount because Hooters sponsored The Daily Habit, the show I worked on.

Oh Jordan, Yeah, it's one of the sponsors.

And so the Hooters girls would come in and we'd have to do a segment.

We'd had to use them somehow. Sometimes they would act in things oh wow.

Other times they'd actually just hand out chicken wings to the studio audience and they would put it on.

Camera just to appease the were like, you're they were paying for good?

Yeah.

But then we would go there and.

Did you like the wings? Like a lot of people say, the food is actually really good at Hooters.

No it isn't.

Oh okay, it isn't good. And I feel like I know, I was hesitant there because I used to be a corporate chill.

But the wings are the only thing you should eat.

I had a burger there once and go Atlanta News not bad News, Bears Baseball movie.

Oh wait, the original though, Yeah, okay, good, Yes, no, it's.

Another one, the one.

I want to call him Tommy Lee Jones in sling Blade, but he has a real name.

Thorn Is.

Yes.

We're right now driving through what I would consider to be the San Fernana Vali's little Calcutta.

Uh.

There are people sitting on the.

Sidewalk, there's live chickens. The sh.

It is crazy out here. There's a bail bonds place.

Of course, that is a can you explain how a bail bondsman works? Karen?

So if you get arrested, If you get arrested, you have to when your bail is saved ten thousand dollars, So the bondsman makes you pay a ten percent of it or some percentage of that amount. So you have to go pay, you know, one thousand dollars to the bondsman, and he takes that bond and he puts up gets you out of jail, and then you somehow owe him or he gets the bond back something.

You have to go out and commit more crimes to earn the money to pay him back.

It's like a check advance.

Yes, it's it's all you know. This system is broken, that's for sure. But what I believe is the thing is as long as you stay in town like you're and and then you go through your thing, he gets his money back. The only problem is when you when you run out of town, and then they have to go right.

And I mean add Heather Locklear.

And we've described the TV show The fall Guy, which no one remembers he was a he was a that's that's a bounty that's a boundy. How is that different from a doesn't a bounty hunter work with a bondsman?

Yes, the bounty hunter goes gets the person when the bondsman calls and says so and so jumped.

And this stuff still happens after the eighties.

Right, because it's happening every day.

I guess it kind of interested me when I was young, maybe I thought. And when I grew up and I'm six foot four like all of my family other than my dad, who's five eight, I'm going to be a big, tough, bailed bondsman or a fall guy or some sort of a private eye. But yeah, you know, I was watching a lot of TV. Sure, there aren't TV shows about stand up comedians who like to paint pictures, you know what I mean.

No, that's very true. I just wanted to be the sister and a family because I watched some TV like Sister Sister yep, or Happy Days, whatever whatever it takes.

I grew up in a lot of Happy Days. Oh yeah, the show right, God, god knows it wasn't the other.

Yeah, wow, electronic that's another.

Remember the first or second episode we did Karen, Yes, and we drove by a.

Castle medieval themed?

Yes?

And what what was the other part of it?

Why did we think it was some sort of a pedophile ring?

Oh? Because I think it was by the batting cages. Oh okay, that one.

It's like, Oh, how convenient.

Yeah, Oh, you have your little cardboard castle that lures the kids in. Oh, eat this candy and play these batting cages.

And then somebody hits them with a bat.

Yeah right, yeah, shives candy in their mouths so they can't screen.

Well, I guess we don't know much about the process, but I don't ever want to learn about it. Those are YouTube videos that are in my Facebook.

Please don't click on those ones, Chris, Please.

So tired of all the kiddie porn that people are putting on my Facebook.

Look at this terrible thing.

I really, in all seriousness that there is a video that has stuck with me for months now.

Oh no, which one.

Oh it was just a car accident people in the street, and I was like, oh, that looks fake. That person wouldn't be moving around without these vital parts.

Of the body.

Yeah, And so I watched it over and over because I really thought it was really good horror.

Effects, like it was that bad.

And then I was like, oh, this is real and they're in Columbia or something, and someone it was just a bunch of silent people filming like in shock.

It was so awful that and I watched it over and over, and then I'm like, oh, this is totally real.

Yeah no, and man, let's assume it's real and don't.

Let's talk about good stuff.

Yeah yeah, how about there was a girl who pitched I think she pitched a no hitter in the.

I love that.

It's so amazing, and it didn't get any it didn't get as much press as it normally would have because it was all that furtus.

Did you see the other video of the little girl frolicking with the tiniest of donkeys.

No, it was the smallest donkey ever.

And she was running and the little baby donkey was running behind her and running next to her and like trying to kiss the little girl's face as they were running, and she'd be giggling, and they were like in the Alps or something.

It's like, oh, run after the donkey. But I don't know what accent that was.

But the mother was watching and laughing, and then the little girl would run with the donkey and then kiss them.

I'm kissing the donkey.

So that means that they're Americans doing weird in the Yelps.

Yes, they were on vacation and they're schizophrenic.

They're having fun with the local color.

Nikesy Donkeys, that's what she sounded like, Oh.

Nikesy donkeys. Only watch those, Yeah, they're the best.

Did I scrape my nose? Is it bleeding?

No? Oh?

Yes, isn't that weird? It's like a little uh, I was just dot, I was telling you a story, gesticulating. I guess I haven't clipped my fingernails in a while, and I cut my fucking nose.

You're like a little newborn baby.

Like a dumb soft baby.

The Baby podcast.

Maybe Okay. I did go down there though, and I did a zigzag alley thing. It told me to.

Are you serious?

Yeah? Got here?

Yeah, you turned me all the way around. That's I think that Ways taught us a new way. I almost want to show you it because I went down down and I went by and it said you're at your destination, but.

I was at your garage.

It's like, oh, oh, you didn't say the front door. Yeah it will, that's what WAYS does. It doesn't. It will bring you to the nearest stoppable point. It doesn't necessarily bring you to the address. It'll bring you to the building. That's what I'm knowing.

Again. Our podcast is sponsored by Ways.

And also sponsored by Boring Stories dot com.

The Hook com and farmers only dot com. I can't stop thinking about farmers Only.

What is farmers Only?

Oh, that's a dating website for farmers only. You haven't seen the commercials for that?

Oh, I that's terrific.

Yeah, the commercials are like a cow and a pig, horribly voiced over talking about how one of their owners.

It's so specific because farmers they know that they don't have much of a social life.

Well, yes, it's a very specific life style.

I get it very early.

But also it's kind of like it's basically saying you're white, you like country music, right, you have a truck and you want to do some manual labor right right? Or you're not you're not afraid of it.

That is a special couple that probably wouldn't put up with each other if one of them wanted to be a high fast talking lawyer.

Yeah, that's or a high heels shoot type.

Galt, My roommate, has a very funny joke. His name is Nate Craig. He said, he goes, did you see the the new Jewish all Jewish online dating app? And I was like, yeah, I know about that and he said, no, that's a different one. It's called tenders List. It was really pretty funny. I laughed very hard, like you have to do that on stage. I don't know if he does.

He is pretty good.

I mean a lot of people don't like puns, and a lot of people don't like any Semitic comedy.

More easier than that's easy. I agree with the ladder put that one.

I feel like kids these days fucking love puns. That's all Twitter is.

Yeah, yeah, maybe things are going in that direction.

It's kind of that word math thing, just like can you think of the word that rhymes with this word right? Then you win?

Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what at Midnight is, which is funny because all the comics on there.

Look at pirates, pirates, pirates.

Pirates, real ones pirates. We are looking at some funny, swashy Nothing is more intimidating than that dog.

That dog, it's it's a wolf that's actually a wolf.

That is a full on wolf. And they're looking at three three pirates. One is in regular clothes. I miss the light because of this. Those are real swashbuckling pirate men.

That looked like it was like Jack Sparrow was walking away from us in the Bob's Big but.

It was less it was it was more authentic.

For some reason, it seemed like his rags were kind of wet, even like he was on a boat. Well, we know that pirates now are more like from that Tom Hanks movie. They have machine guns and regular T shirts. Right, yeah, but those were like the fantasy, the kind of fun pirates that'll make you walk a blank or cut off your hand.

That's right. There was Halloween pirate time.

Yeah. Oh, what are you gonna be for Halloween? It's right around the corner, Cara.

This year, I guess I'll be the dead body of Margaret Thatcher.

Oh again, Yeah.

I mean I have the dress. What about you?

I think this year I'm gonna make my legs an old lady's legs and make the torso of an old lady that is grabbing onto fake legs that I will make out of foam, and so it'll look like I'm riding on an old lady's shoulders or maybe a witch.

I like.

I like optical illusions. Well, here you are, goodbye at you have fun at your party, enjoy the work based banter.

Yeah, it should be neat.

It's good to see if this was a good episode. Who needs where we're going. We don't need guests.

Hey, guess what this episode is going out to all those people that listen to us while they are working, Yeah, while they're at work, or they're in a federal institution because.

It's it's a labor day episode.

This is taking it easy episode. This is just we just drive through your mind on this one.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe i'd make it make a few turns down your spine.

Yeah.

When we tell a chilling story.

Yeah, or repeat a chilling story for the fourth time. I feel like we've all learned definitely of what not to do on podcasts, right.

Yeah, and to be more positive. More talks of baby donkeys in the future. That's our promise.

Let's be more baby donkey organs.

Listen, go to iTunes and say we.

Like this, we like it in spite of itself. You'll say yeah.

And I think there's an RSS feed situation that has been fixed. If there's people out there Andrew Sampson types that we're worried about it, I shouldn't have said his name, and he.

Knows you're talking about him. The only person who has an RSS means but.

Yeah, happy Labor Day and you've been listening to d y n A R yay.

Are leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

And give us time and they turn and on and gaye, we want to send you off inside.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine.

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

M hm