Ep. 14 - Matt Kirshen & Henry Phillips

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gay a.

We want to send you off instat. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now? Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? I'm Chris Fairbanks. Normally with me is Karen Kilgarriff. She is in the middle of multiple riding jobs.

She's too successful.

She knows to the grindstone. She is just riddled with success. Like the person of my right just said. That is Matt Kirshin.

Hello, Matt, Hey, Chris, how's it going?

How are you?

I'm very good man for right now.

If you don't mind, you are my co host. I can do that. I know that you got on board initially knowing that you would be a guest. But before we pick up, oh sorry, our co host for today, Henry Phillips, we have to go to his house, at which point, he will become the co host and you will then become the guest. But until we go to his house.

I can get that.

I get that you are the co host. I mean generally the job is the same.

Does Henry know that we're on our way? Henry very much knows, Like, do you need me to text him when we're closer?

You know what I got? I got people on this. We got a main office. I was about to lie I texted him before we left, right, Yeah, so I'm the people that is on me and Siri, which is of course Tom Cruise's daughter have contacted Henry and we are we are going to pick up.

It's kind of weird how Tom Cruise got his daughter to be the computer for Apple products.

I mean a lot of scientologists see their kids as you know, a way to make h you know, extend their celebrity. Yeah, and he did it in a weird way though with Apple, I thought that was a And she has a very adult voice when you ask her filter things.

Apple is, of course Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's Delta.

Yeah, they really for whom.

Ton Cruise does. The kid does the voice?

Of course I did not it all.

I mean, all celebs know each other, so that's kind of it.

Really all happens on Franklin in the Scientology Center, something that a lot of people won't make light of or joke about, but they would't. You know what, I'll push that envelope.

Yeah, all the most successful people will.

They're scared. Yeah, I'm not scared. No, should I be?

You know, for damn thing?

Maybe I should be.

I mean, you're just telling me before you skateboard?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, death literally every recreational awa you I mean I do.

I occasionally there's thread of me rolling my ankle, but I don't know that death is eminent at any point. But with these Scientology people, I think if they corner you and they're like, hey, you don't you know you've been talking smack about us. You can just write a check and join their club, right, what what would four thousand dollars? And then all of a sudden, then.

You're like then it's like me, it's doing a juw joke. Yeah, you're like, oh, you're like decent, you know, No, no, I can show you might have missed for video.

I'm allowed to do this, right, Yeah, exactly what if I become one of you.

Yeah, then you can no longer they can no longer criticize you for.

You know what, Sometimes I think about it. I think about becoming a scientologist, and I don't think that any you know, they all seem very happy.

Do you think you'd be able to buy your tongue fully enough?

Yeah?

Yeah I would. Just you know what, I'm starting to think I am. I'm malleable mentally enough to be uh, you know, pulled into it because I have an empty void in my head where there isn't any kind of religion. So what if they were like, oh, this is making sense. I think our emotions are alien ghosts or whatever. Yeah, yeah, you see that sounds good to me. It sounds sounds uh.

You know, sounds plausible and working.

It's plausible, it's workable. Now, what we just left was the improvisation in Hollywood, California.

When people still called it by the full name.

Yeah, it's the improvisation.

It's a is it even like? Is the company even still cool? The improvisation?

Because yeah, I can't remember. It's been a while since I wasn't paid in cash, which is actually upwards made to twelve dollars, but.

I judge it that was even worse, Like what they pay you really small, maus the two sets there. At least they pay you cash. Now, when I first did it, they paid it by check. Yeah, and you get allowed at W two Yeah, and you got like, well, what am I supposed to is gonna?

I think one year they realized, Yeah, we've never paid anyone more than six hundred dollars annually, which means you don't have to report anything to the iras as far as I know, although I am under investigation, so I don't know much.

Are you under investigations?

Yeah? They they've been calling, and I don't think it's to say hello you we just recorded, Uh what would you call that? What we just did?

Well, what this was, I believe is a test of concepts. Get footage for a potential sizzle reel for a potential TV show.

I did.

So it's sizzle reel. It's something that you show before it goes to pilot. Is that safe to say?

Yeah, I think that's exactly what it is. Right, that's as it's like a mini self funded pilot, right, so you make I think these guys are attending left by the way.

They are alterning left. It's funny that when Karen Kilgarriff, who usually is my co host, she's driving. Usually she's very good at multitasking. I don't know if you noticed, but girls can do often to assault many things at once, which is why often they have a cracked cell phone because they're doing many things. But that seemed like I slide it. It did seem that way. I'm gonna go ahead and own up to that. But she drives very well while talking, whereas I I'm like hands on the road.

So Yeah, a sizzle reel, Yes, a scissle reel is like a five or so minute short video piece that's like, hey, this is ours, this is what our show will be, right, and they set and they show it to people who then might fund the pilot as a sales tool.

And so, because you know they're riddled with funding money, you filled the room with high school children.

Yeah, that's what they did. So what they did. This is a show that's being produced by the production company that's aligned with my managers, who were also aligned with

Isn't that I ran a Kimmel set last week in front of those kids, and that is not who you want to Yeah, be testing adults all totally.

And even though they tell you you can do adult material, but what they mean by that is it doesn't matter if you say fuck, it doesn't. What it doesn't mean is you can do material that is not about them, not right away, Like it's not a fair judge of what will and what work.

Yeah, you can use adult language. They used to say you couldn't during these teen tours. Yeah, but now I think adult themes though if you talk about anything, which that's all I talk about. Yeah, it's grown up stuff. And we learned to do comedy in front of adults who are in nightclubs, who are drinking. It's weird to talk to kids. Some of them have like beards and stuff, though, can you explain that some of them looked.

Thirty some of them, a few of them, And then there were a few people here in the room who were definitely not part of that teen tour, right, Okay, Like.

The dude that was that kept chiming in that was like a hipstery guy.

They don't know what he Maybe he was their supervisor name. Why was that supervisor the one heckling?

I'd yeah, exactly, Hey, I'll take my lead kids, it's here's exactly what you shouldn't do, and then he does it so they don't have to. Honestly, they're pretty well behaved. If I think about what it was like when I was in high school, I think we all would have been a little more rude. They were attentive. I'm surprised.

Yeah, I'm trying to think what I would be like. I think a bit of them because they're not from LA so they don't have that kind of jaded Yeah, we've seen this kind of stuff before.

We are going to pick up Henry Phillips. There he is, He's gonna get in the back seat. I'm gonna turn on the hazards. People are on my ass. Hey, oh, sorry, do you mind getting in the back the other I really apologize. I'd like to pick up people on the door side that's facing traffic. I figure that's hey, how are you we are podcasting. Good to see you. I'm gonna turn off the hazards. Thanks, sorry to make your way. Matt and I were just talking about the high school

Uh?

I used to do better the last couple of times I did it.

I just I don't know if there's a threshold with age where you just lose the connection.

I didn't do very well. I felt like they were just staring at me.

Incidentally, this is the point where i'd remind you. I warned you of it. Matt. You are now the guest, you are no longer well.

I felt that change. I'm like I knew I felt the second Henry got in the car. I felt my position switching.

Yeah, even you're the co host sitting next to me. He was the co host for a little.

While, and I just want to know how to behave.

Your fire, Matt. But I would you take the job of being our guest today.

Well, I'm insulted to just being fired, but I do like he as a person, so yes, I will.

Okay, should be complimented that you get hired in a lateral position.

Oh exactly, that's a very good point. And Henry, you're fired from not being on the podcast anymore and you are now hired as our guest. All right, thank you.

I didn't like that other position that.

I I mean, the co host. God, it's so confusing. Henry, you're the co host?

Yes? Yes?

So?

Uh so Matt as a co host? Yes, meaning myself, Yeah, that's you. How would you say that your days going?

Yeah, I'm terrible. I'm gonna get fired for real.

Yeah, that's not the kind of question. We just we just ask ask Henry as a co host. It might make sense right now to ask Matt about his uh sizzle real presentation potentially a game show pilot.

So we just we just tried this idea. Okay, yes, uh, not my idea. I've just been brought in to be the potential host of this thing. You're hired, Yeah, the high talent. So we played some I don't know what the rules are on discussing shows and development. But we it involved hidden camera footage and guessing and banter, right, and it seemed to work.

Yeah. It has all the elements of successful things these days, like at Midnight and the cash Point zero. I think I'm buying together.

And just before that, I saw some vaginas, did you.

I did see some vaginas a strip joint.

No, I did Whole Foods. It was kind of Whole Foods. So I did a radio the Internet radio show hosted and run by Ginger Lynn.

Oh yeah, do you remember her Henry Porno Star.

Yeah, I assumed.

Hall of Fame Plono star. They have, they totally do.

Yeah.

It's one of the industries where the older you get, the less desirable.

I think you get.

Yeah, well that's but then I think you sort of get into legend status where she's like the Don Rickles. Although it wasn't her vagina I saw, it was really still funny he is, but I want to see it. Don w Reckles played near La recently and some friends of mine went, and I found out too late. I would have gone. I would love to see him.

Life.

Be careful not to switch from Vaginas to Don Rickles because that don't lose every follower that we have. But I just want to say I had the opportunity to see Frank Sinadra twenty years ago, and I was like, I don't think so, I think I'm gonna go.

I think I went to a Neil Diamond tribute instead. We were in Vegas. Oh it's that funny looking back, I probably should have seen Sinatra, right, since I just.

I just did exactly that with a Python show. I had the opportunity to go to the Monty Python Reunion show and then some stuff came up and I just dropped the ball on it. I just didn't go.

Please tell me there was something dumb that you did that way twenty years from now you can be like, I did not the Neil Diamond tribute whatever the current equivalent.

Yeah, it's just I can't think even like what a tribute to a lesser steat show would be.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's.

Like a tribute to SNL season four? Which season was it that.

We first few?

You can't do that on television, yeah, yeah, the grown up here.

Any tribute to a sketch show.

There are in Britain there are I'm gonna say like five or six tribute tacks to well known comedians.

Interesting, we don't have that, but I could see.

If there's if they're good. I've never seen any of the footage of any of them, but there's at least one Billy Connolly, there might be two U.

And Billy Connolly's still around for God's sake.

Oh absolutely, But then again, the Rolling Stones are still around, then you can go see Rolling Stones tribute tax Yeah.

I t so often for some reason, with comedy, it really bothers me when someone is doing an impression of a comedian that's still alive, Like if someone was doing.

Yeah, because there wasn't the Ice Father versions like you never like, I'd never be in the middle of my set doing my material and then just go, I'm gonna I'm gonna do something a little bit different for you now. I'm just gonna do a joke by someone I'm a.

That's a good against Does that not work because it should on paper, it should work if music, if musicians can do it and everybody enjoys the material, and they do it well and have their own different slant on it, we enjoy it.

Yeah, it covers with music is just a thing, and with with stand up. It's more idea based and more sacred. So you just I would be against someone doing someone else's jokes. I mean, Ron Shock, God bless his soul, used to do some Bill Hicks stuff on stage, and I know that he used to hang out with him and everything.

But did did he announce it as Bill Hicks?

Not really, It was just it's kind of a tribute in his head, like, hey, I used to hang out with him. I started with him in Texas. Here's some of his bits with my little twist to them. There wasn't enough of a twist to make it his and I noticed that, but I forgave him because you know, he's an older guy.

I'm gonna yeah, I'm gonna express my naivete here.

But who is the comedian who does a bit?

Or maybe they did a tweet?

But it was great and it's perfectly on topic where he said.

I read all my own material.

Everything I say is original, and if you don't agree, you can kiss my black ass.

Stuart Francis.

Yeah, he's a white guy.

Yeah, he's a She even.

Started by saying he's a white guy. Otherwise the joke makes no sense.

Otherwise it's just a black guy being angry.

It's a complete non story, a non sequitor. It just interrupts an interesting con Otherwise, it's a joke.

The reason he wrote that joke, though, is he caught a black comic stealing his material.

That's funny. See, that's even better.

He's a Canadian comic, but he was based He's based in the UK for a large amount of the time, and he was in He's the one liner guy, right, great one liner writer, and he was in Scotland. I can't remember why he was that. He was doing some other show or for whatever reason, he popped into this comedy club, was at the back of the room and saw someone do his material. He told me about this year several years later, when we worked together.

It's very rare that a comic. It happens all the time. So yeah, to actually catch them, that's like the waste.

The way Stewart tells it, he went into the green room afterwards and the guy went, oh, Stuart, I didn't know you were here, And he said evidently.

Ah, that's great, that's great.

One word.

So the guy clearly knew that he was doing his material. I don't know, but yeah, oh that's so great. It would feel so good. Like any time I've been robbed or my car has been you know, broken into, I always think of how satisfying it would be to just casually catch that person, like as they're in your car.

If it was something like that, though I don't know, I.

Wouldn't and just say, evidently.

That doesn't working that you need him to say that.

I just would love my stuff. I would love to add that one word that just gets everybody.

You know, Henry, that work doesn't work if he hasn't done that.

Evidently Henry knows.

Have you ever had that?

I had that, Uh, when I was telling that story where you're you're in the middle of telling the joke and you realize you've forgot an important part, and you have that choice of do I finish it or do I stop and say, wait, hold on, let me go back and give you an important premise. I went with just finish it and then go backwards.

It was awkward.

I'll just finish it and just sight with confidences.

Well, it's like my friend's mom was trying to tell me, there's an old joke about Michael Jackson. Why did Michael Jackson shop at kmart? Because little kid's underwear was half off, right, right, So she was trying to tell me the joke that I already knew. But she said it's because little kids underwear was half price. Oh, and I'm like, she thinks the joke is that just that he likes to buy little kids underwear.

And he wants it for cheaper.

But he's extremely wealthy. He could definitely afford him.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's wrong on so many other levels.

That's the thing about Michael Jackson. He enjoys smooth on a bucket.

Yeah, what she thought was funny about it.

But a pedophile he is. He guilty of finding good deals in a case of like huffing undergarments if.

You were a niece that he was buying underwear for. And he's kind of a cheap skid even he has.

All that money, yeah, exactly, and he just likes bunk beds. Yeah, all right, I'm we're taking Matt Kursh into the airport l A X. Are you feeling okay about the time?

It is a tight Oh no, no, we golden.

I have ways w a Z where we can. No.

I think we're fine. I mean, this road just goes straight to the apple a.

Sponsor, but I am almost out of battery.

Oh okay, experience, Well you could say that. I wish you would keep saying it mine, uh mine, if you hold my hand here momentarily. Actually, that doesn't have to be part of it. I'm holding the recharger. It's sitting there in the console, Henry, I'm talking to you. Oh yeah, yeah, you can plug in your phone.

Oh no, but I have a difference.

Nuts. Well, I'll just put it where I found it. I'm uh loosely nuzzled in my crotch area, not connected to anything where you going mad? We're checking it.

I am going to Atlanta.

Why did I think you were going to London? Is it because I'm racist?

You might have thought that because I'm going to London.

Next week and we had kind of loosely scheduled that, yes, okay.

And you might have also thought that because I'm from London, right exactly. So that's an air lace that I often go to.

What is the when you say Britain? Yeah, how is that different from United Kingdom?

Okay, here's the deal?

Okay? So or the UK?

Yeah so?

Or great Britain?

What's so great Britain is? Yes, England Scotland for the moment, or they're about they're about to have a vote that.

Might change that Scotland for the moment.

Yes, okay, so Great Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. And then when you add Northern Ireland in as well, it's the United Kingdom. So it's in Ireland then, uh yeah, once it once they added the Northern Ireland bit, it becomes the United Kingdom. And I only really knew that for sure because my pastport says on it the United Kingdom of Great it's in the Northern Island. Oh, that's the that's the math's equation, that's how you work that out. And then the British Isles is just the land mass,

Do I sound dumb for not knowing this or it sounds.

Like we asked this question many times, moting obvious questions.

So what about Southern Ireland? Do you just call that Ireland?

Yeah?

So that's the Republican of the Republic of Ireland everything below that border, because that's sound.

The tour bus to Ireland from England.

Henry, you do a lot of those tour buses, don't you. Yeah, yeah, old people.

I'm kidding because I don't think you can do that. But okay, now, what about there's a lot of people that get offended when you say you were in England or are you English? People that are English? That's just England. Is that Wills also or no?

No, So if you called a Welsh person or a Scottish person.

English, you might as well spit in their faith.

They get upset. You're gonna get enough, kind of in the way Canadians get when you call them American, do people with But with the addide, anybody ever was called Canadians American, right, not without knowing the Canadians, but like.

Oh I see, just just by judge.

American from I'm from Canada.

Oh I understand that.

Yeah, I was thinking that if you knew somebody was Canadian and you called him American, but that would be absurd.

Well, I think that does happen as well. I bet that happens outside of the US and Canada.

Yeah, outside of the Americas. Yeah.

John Dorr told me that when he was at a bar Canadian in the UK somewhere. I don't know how, but somehow she determined that he was Canadian, and then she said, I'm glad you're Canadian because I hate Americans.

And it bothered him so.

Much that he actually said, uh, oh, I'm American. Like he actually just wanted to be American, just to just to be, you know, because yeah, no, he just is against bigotry of any sort. So he just thought, you know, fuck you. But I feel like Chris, I think you would do the same thing for some reason.

Yeah, I love Canada.

I'd be like, who do you not like?

Because I'll be that Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I guess I want to be the.

Person that you don't you know, you know me, Henry, I I love all parts of the globe and the people from it.

Oh, I guess I don't know you.

I'm just kidding. Yeah, no, no, no, I do too. Yeah, me too, Matt. You're the same, right, so, I except I don't really like Russia to make it where you.

Lived on Santa Monica Boulevard and curse, right, and you used to tell great stories about how you the grumpy people.

Yes, trying my best to befriend elderly grumpy uh Russian women, trying my best. Can I grab your grocery? Can't? And to be fair, I was actually grabbing their groceries.

You need to ask, yeah.

And you don't, yeah, because it does just literally you shouldn't run after and you're like, I was just helping you get your groceries where they needed to be quicker.

Henry, do you know what I wish you?

You?

You had one job other than co hosting. Yeah, and it was to help navigate.

Oh yeah, go to latsi Hara.

Oh, lotsi Hara.

Where is the end of this starch? You'll see it.

Just keep going.

Yeah, we're actually not very far at all. No, No, there're certainly by nine.

If you're not nervous about your My flight is at nine thirty.

I'm not nervous about his flighting.

But I'm no nervous. Okay, my flight's in nine thirty. Is currently eight thirty five a seeming.

Yeah, we're about ten minutes away.

Yes, yes, I'm where.

I already have your boarding past, I've.

Already checked in. I'm only taking carry on.

Yeah, it's uh, and it's a good time to apply everything's in our face.

I think it'd be funny to have a carry on, but it's just a honeybag tam uncovered.

And then just be very adamant that it is fully within the.

Yeah, I can check that. Keep offering that you can check it. Oh is this Lati Hara? No, Nah, that's a fair view. I often take that. I'm incorrect.

That is not what we're.

Gonna do with Here we go, but I think it's fairly well signposted.

So you're going to Atlanta, explain that you're You've been very secretive mad about your dealings in Atlanta.

There's nothing particularly secret. It's mostly a social visit.

But I'm fitting in a cake.

Oh sweet, are you gonna do the old laughing School.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do. And I've never kicked that before.

Well I have, and then the guy won't have me back. He says I'm not a big enough name. And then I look at the schedule and there's a lot of just my peers on.

I've told to Henry about this before. I wonder whether I did the Funny Farm, which is the previous.

In the roof. You blew the roof off that place.

Now, I did the improv last year that the tornado came in.

The tornado. Henry was going to do the club there and the tornado actually ripped them.

While I was out there in the front and it just rip out the Auntie. But yeah, that was terrible.

But you know, I would have liked to have done the lapping Skull because it's got more of a hip thing.

The improv, I think pays more.

Well, he sent me a message that said, hey, I'd love to just pay nine hundred bucks to every one of my friends that's cool to hang out with, but I can't afford that. And I was like, oh, well we're in agreement because I can't go anywhere for nine hundred dollars.

You're already undercutting.

Yeah. Yeah, he did like it, and so now my goal is to just find the closest place and just sell out a theater. But I think Matt, you're gonna do great there, and he loves you, and I think that you guys should maintain a solid Well, here's the.

Thing I gig for him when it was the Funny Farm and then there was an old there was a business the old with thing where there was a confusion about the money uh huh, which is not a nice you know, and you're like, you thought it was mono, man, he thought it was another round and anyway, Oh, I wonder whether that was a little Burning Bridges moment or whether or whether he didn't even remember that and he

Yeah.

When I was doing my week there, he was not around, and I like him.

I got along with him really well. I've just never been back and it's like.

Yeah, I mean we got on great. I did two weekends for him. It was the first place I ever headline in America, the Funny Farm, the first when I was fresh off last last coming standing, and it was really enjoyable. That's where I learned how to headline, I guess yea, And it was we.

Were an odd era now and I think I'm starting to learn this.

It's like you can be famous. Anybody who's seen my movie thinks that I'm famous, and everybody else has no idea. So I'm just saying, like, you can be famous to just a small subset of people, right, So you might not be famous to him, but you could be way more famous than the people that he's booking. But they're famous to him because he listens to a certain podcast.

Yeah. Yeah, it's funny that a lot of well known comics are not famous to comedy clubs because they don't know where to look anymore.

Well, here's an example. I was helping with set this the UK version of the TV show and you were looking at the guy who has no lights on.

No, no, I'm just by the way one and a half miles. Then you make a left up.

And one of the people we were suggesting to the UK now I'm looking at the guy with no headlights on. When we were looking at we were talking to the UK production company people and one of the names we brought up to try and uh pitch to them was Russell Peters and trying to explain to them that he is the most famous comedian in the world. I know you haven't heard of him, but he is the most famous comedian in the world. That's possible in da funny,

I remember being up owner in la and it was at this bar, the Coronet, and he didn't want I was.

About to say, hey, you know that's Russell Peters.

You know he's in comic and a couple of years ago whatever, but this.

Guy was like, he didn't seem interested in meeting him. And then when when Russell Peters was there with a bunch of.

People and then he left, and then this guy said, well, I don't like meeting comics because then the next thing, you know, they asked me how they can get in my club. And I'm like, at this time he was doing what several thousand seat theaters.

He's not trying to get into your dumb club.

And you know whatever, Missouri wherever we were.

Funny, it's just you know, yeah, they have no idea, Like he sold out the O two Arena for two nights in the UK on the back of pretty much a tweet. It's just like they did no publicity. How did no one knows?

I kind of it's a mystery to me.

Social media and YouTube.

He had these YouTube special.

Here's what here's what I heard happened, and I haven't had it backed up, but it's I think it's it's not particularly defametory, so I don't think it's libelous if it's slightly inaccurate. But my understanding is his brother, who I think manages him or certainly helps out with stuff,

And if there anybody who thinks that snowball marketing, I just want to point out that that would not work nowadays. If it was no, if it was crap, if they didn't like it, they wouldn't share it. But we just had a combination of both.

Yeah, something about his something about what he was doing, like they got it out there, and something about what he was doing struck a chord with that, particularly with that community and initially with the Indian community, and then it just spread to other communities.

So I think it's coming up.

Are we so?

Are we discussing still straight?

Are we discussing? Yeah? Are we discussing something that we all know we should be doing then and we're just not.

Well, we should at least be getting the word out to people.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't do that neither.

It's amazing when people are really good at that kind of thing.

Yeah, I wish I was good at that thing.

Well in that case, like the in the case we're talking about the comedian, isn't the guy who's good at it?

You know?

So, And there's often situation like uh, I think a lot of credit to weird Al's success should also go to his manager that I met years ago and was a fascinating guy to just talk to for a second. He I can't remember his name, but uh, I want to say Jay, but he's he's a genius and he's just he was able to figure out how to do a lot of things that people don't.

Would you say that Jay stands for genius or would you not say that, yeah, Jay is a genius. I guess you wouldn't.

Unfortunately, he's way too successful to be listening to me right now, so or maybe he does.

I don't know that.

Part of the people don't listen to anything. YEA, certainly not podcast.

He's probably listening to like uh npr uh. Yeah. So if you're right, well, now you know where you are?

Yeah, now I know. Now it's very clear. I like what this guy's doing. He's just walking away from his flight. Yeah, do you ever want to do that? Just just like I've had it, Just pull a falling down and be like, you know what, I don't care about taxis.

Just gonna point in one direction and keep them all.

I'm walking away from the airport. That's always a sad.

For those listening. We saw a guy walking away from the airport, and yeah, he was.

Doing the double rucksack as well. He was doing the he was doing the backpack in the front pack.

Yeah, yeah, it's like he was he was David Banner, but going from town to town really looked a bit like that. You don't want to see me angry. I say this in every town I visit, and then I become a monster, and then I have to know to the next town.

If someone said to you, you don't like, don't make me angry, that's such a dick move. I think I'd stop whining that guy up.

Yeah exactly, I really don't think.

What was the fridge you used?

If they went, don't make me angry, you would start I'd stop whinting the guy up. I think dickish thing to say.

So the US, I'd always to be whining like you're whining and dining like.

Yeah, i'd get him drunk if I could say, you want to fight or get him drunk.

And yeah, don't make me angry.

Yeah, here's a question. It is forty five minutes to my flight. Yes, I left my kindle on a British Airways flight last week and it's currently in the British always lost and found.

Do you want to try and do that? Do you reckon?

I'm trying to work.

Out, Uh, you know, I what do you think? It looks like we have a parking lot of cars in front of us?

Yeah?

How close is your termin which Tumbel is really not worried because it's if your flight leaves at nine thirty.

Yeah, I would do it on the way back.

I will get it on the.

I do like adventure, like especially and what you're saying.

It's very which terminal area whatever, US eras. I don't normally fly US, so I'm not sure what number.

We'll figure it out.

Secure.

You go get that candle just yet.

That is you're correct. Thank you for talking me out of my foolishness.

This is gonna have at.

Least it's gonna add at least.

I had to mull it over. I was like, that's not a half bad idea, and then I looked at the time. If we are terrible, they don't do that. Come on terrible. I don't care if you have a commercial driver's license, you guys. It's at lats that I become very aggressive.

Okay, this is the worst I've traveled a lot for US airways. I'm keeping a look out for I always looking on the left because they go the slip ros.

I think for the people listening, this is getting stressful. Word I feel like it looks like a Judas Priest comes it does?

It really looks like that movie Heavy Metal parking lot which for the first time recent isn't it a terrific thing?

Fun?

I really like the the the am I gonna say the just over and over and over?

You did right? Well?

I like the insane clown posse version's called the US Airways. The US Airways colon the Juggle Party. Oh yeah, yeah, the gathering of the Juggler.

They should do Judas Priest parking Lot twenty fourteen. Have you ever seen how many people?

Now I just heard you all go there? It is US Airways, No, it's I saw.

I saw the listening for it.

You ever seen Judas Priest life?

Uh? No, I haven't. They were one of the ones I missed, and I was really bummed out about it.

I've heard they put on a ridiculous show.

Well, I've seen their live concerts televised and they were amazing. There was electric guy, that's just unbelievable, lasers. They had stacks of Marshal amps that apparently were all props. Oh really, yeah, it's like all you really need is one amp.

It doesn't get loud terrific.

Yeah, that's a good point. What is it they visual?

Yeah, just just gives the gives the type, the kind of tone right now. Yeah, and it usually.

Miked and there's a guy mixing it.

But they they had wallpaper of Marshal stacks just to look like they were the loudest ones. But it was all visual. They were empty catalis. Yeah, and it was great advertising for.

Marshall, which of course that was their intention. Judas Priests is a big fan of Marshall Amps. I don't know.

I don't know much about acoustics, and I wonder if twenty Marshall Amps at ten is louder than one.

I don't know much about. Everything I know about acoustics I learned about by rendergarding, this podcast and a little bit in kindergarten. Look, they're happy to be home. You're no son of mine. Shit. I could see him saying that, but he wasn't.

You can you could take a slip?

Yeah?

I wonder if you just got off, you'd probably beat us.

Yeah, I reckon, we just just start edging Ford. I'm doing it. This is what they call a dick move. No, because you're about to pack up on three. Just that so I think that.

Much about right? Well, I'd like to monitor at sir level. I'm being a dick. I am going to be a dick.

Do all your podcasts end in frustration or begin in frustration usually way they're coming Because the Lax is the worst foot in the world.

I would think that there's a whole different energy on the way back.

Every every time I come to Lax, I'm filled with rage. Every time I leave it, I get PROGRESI here we go, I have blue leap godha has a nice sweater. You have leaping into the street.

I should probably go straight to security.

Then, right, I would say, at this point you're doing.

I'd say that's definitely the right thing to do. Yes, in which case, gentlemen, is it being a pleasure? Thank you so much for that.

Yeah, it was great.

I want out of the time in Atlanta, and I.

Wish we could have talked more.

Yeah, well, Henry, would you do me the honor of when Matt gets out, will you become the guests? Yeah?

Yeah, let's do that. So I didn't care who I was talking.

Matt, I'm releasing you from your duties of being against so much. I'm gonna stuff and to Henry, I will put it in my crown.

Chair like probably science my podcast.

Oh of course, Hey, do you have.

Any probably science and find me on Twitter at my cushion. But probably Science is.

The podcast perfect? Probably Science hopefully a podcast I will do soon. Right now, Henry and Matt are switching. Sorry, they are switching seats, and I'm alone for the time being. Boy, a lot of people going to and fro wishing each other bon voyage. I can tell by watching most of them they're not that comfortable with their emotions, you know, expressing love. Those guys should have hugged, but they work together. Oh, Henry, hello, if you don't mind talking into this microphone.

We almost did hug. He went in for the hug. I don't know. I cut him off because I didn't know we were doing seed.

I mean that was lunacy. Do you remember him saying, I, of course, you remember going to grab the kindle that we would have had to go to international travel.

He is a low stress guy.

Yeah, he's really relaxed.

I'm about to have a heart attack and I don't even need to be anywhere till August.

Second.

Well, that's good because that gives you more time to recover for your heart attack.

Well, yeah, I need to be at the uh these people at the Belveder room for my two shows Saturday Night August second. Oh yeah, well the usually Henry we plug the Oh I'm sorry, No, I just came it sort of naturally came up in conversations.

Really, you brought it kind.

Of like it was organic.

It's just sort of like, hey, conversationally that would lend itself to us both talking about you were just kind of did you did your credits? It sort of jumped into speaking at credits. Yeah, last night you were on Drunk History.

That's right, I'm still hungover. Even though I tapped it nine months ago.

You were cartoonishly drunk, yes, and very but so funny. I've got.

I've had some odd comments all the way from people complimenting me because they said that they liked. In the earlier ones, people were more legitimately drunk, but once they went on Comedy Central.

There's a couple of things that happened.

That the stakes were hired, there's some legal things involved, whatever, so and then also you get some celebrities that don't necessarily want to be drunk, which defeats But.

You went into it with some concerns, weren't you.

But I'm a fan of the show anyway, But I was like, no, I'm going to be very drunk. I was definitely a little nervous because you're you're you're out of control, you know, you're just like whatever. And but I was like, we're doing this, and so your story was very fun. But I also had people saying. I had one person I'm not going to say who it was, Uh, a lady who said, you know, just because it's called drunk history, doesn't mean you have to get drunk.

Wow? Is she wrong?

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought.

Does that mean you also don't have to talk about history? Yeah, that you're making up the rules? Who is this?

Yeah, I'm not gonna but I'll say it was a really rude It's somebody.

There's always people trying to peep on your poop hoole.

Who's well, that's unsanitary and painful.

Well we were ex exes.

Oh okay, no, all right, who was? Now you have to tell me afterwards. Tune into the next episode where I reveal who said that about Henry's drunk history. He won't let me do it right now.

But yeah, I've had a lot of fun things. Well.

Doug stand Hope just tweeted today that he was as drunk as Henry Phillips on drunk History watching Henry Phillips with Henry Phillips because his dog's name is Henry Phillips.

Oh okay, so his was like a riddle that even now I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, that's great and nobody understood it except for people that know Doug well enough to know that that's his dog.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I forgot that.

Yeah.

Have I met that dog when I was out there?

I'm pretty sure you did. Yeah, there's two dogs.

I remember a lot of dogs. I remember going out to Stan Hopes in the middle of nowhere and.

Oh, I know they had Henry Phillips taking up.

A large desert frog and holding it and him leaping out of my Incidentally, before that, we drank some mushroom tea. That's something that you didn't You didn't have mushroom talking.

No, no, I did.

I think that he's gotten so used to sing Henry Phillips as the dog as normally happens that there.

It is funny. There's a lot of cofusion.

As a matter of fact, he was on Stern not too long ago, and Bingo said Henry Phillips, and I think she was talking about the dog, and then he started talking about me, and it was confusing.

Oh that's funny, and she didn't put two and two together. Oh yeah, there's the human also that we named our dog as well.

No, I understand that though, because after years of like, they don't see me, they see me once a year or whatever.

They don't feed you and whole yarn that you've swallowed from your ass only when I'm there graphic example, But they do do that when you're.

There, when I'm there, Yeah, but that's once a year.

Are you still eating out of their bathroom garbage a.

Lot at the Super Bowl parties?

Did I ever tell you, Henry about the time I lived in my dad's basement and I would occasionally bring girls there, which is already weird when you're college aged. But it was cheap to live in my dad's basement. And one time, you know, I would throw away condoms when I would get used to use condoms back then, and I don't use the name more. That was a joke anyway. The dog, they had a dog that went obviously, this shitty dog would always eat out of my trash,

But now she she has to commit at this point.

Yeah, well she had to go oh yeah, and I had to come up with some I'll have to commit. I think I came up with the excuse that the dog was drug mule and that maybe he was smuggling heroin. I'm just kidding. Yeah, that was the that's the only way you're going.

That's a great yeah.

And it's like, well, it's a good thing it didn't burst inside of him like happens to so many.

So back to drunk history, when yeah, when you were did you they assign you a story? Did they say it?

They give you.

About seven or eight stories, and you pick which one that you want to do.

And I wanted to pick.

Not only one that had to do with music, but also I wanted to pick a stuffy history, an era of history that you would study in high School's right, that's just that academic kind of boring stuff, because that's what's supposed to clash.

Up against the being drunk part.

Like it's not I don't know, to me, a drunk guy talking about something that happened in the last ten years.

It's just not.

You don't have that iron I think something. And maybe it's because you to tutor high school kids and you're a smart person. Yours had something that I think most of them don't have, which isn't easy to follow. You're actually giving information in a story. I actually learned real things from yours. The comedy comedy came from you falling over.

Yeah, and I think that's what they want.

Yeah it was, but I learned from it, I did.

But oh yeah, no, I researched it a lot.

And then they have they have sort of a historical expert that works for the show that you you uh, you know, do some talk back. Yeah, you were you read your your you recite your version of the story back to them several times. They want to make sure there is no date that is wrong. There no names, no dates.

And that's one of the reasons that I kept on laughing.

Why did they, Oh yeah, you were giggling.

I kept on saying mister Beans. And it was supposed to be doctor Beans, but I kept on saying mister Beans. It's just yeah, just picturing mister Bean just made me laugh and I couldn't stop laughing. And so you just see me laughing, but you don't really know, except I didn't know why you were laughing.

I thought, well, and also i'm picturing them, okay.

Then once I started laughing, then I was picturing the guy who's acting it out, because of course I know the show, so I'm picturing the guy acting it out laughing. And then now I'm laughing at that. I'm already laughing at loops of things, you.

Know, And they did do that.

Oh yeah, Century Boulevard is what you want. Okay, Oh we're going back to the airport, I.

Think, no, no, I know what I'm doing. Okay, so we uh, yeah, that was so great. They had the best versions of you cracking up and them making that part of the dialogue. I really yeah, you were great Pageant. The everyone in your episode was really great. It was fucking Trestle that was That was a really good one.

Yeah, it's a great show. Derek's an awesome dude.

So there's a there's gonna be I think there's this particular route that Ways is telling.

Us that we should do.

Yeah, we don't need Well.

You know, Obama's in town, so it could be an hour of waiting needlessly.

Well, for now, let's go to my place and we'll get some leftover fourth toly Beyers. We'll just crack open a brew and just be a couple guys. That could have been extras on Cheers sitting at the bar. Yeahidently Henry's father was on Cheers once Tours of Boston. Oh okay, I'm gonna do this, boy.

It is.

It is. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought let's have a podcast that ends angrily at lax, but that is what I decided to do.

Yeah, no, that's quite all right.

What do you have coming up, Henry?

I've got.

Just emotionally what's coming up for you?

Just let's see, I know, I'm feeling great. Actually, I'm feeling really good lately.

When are you going to Austin, Texas?

And that's gonna be the second.

I'm gonna do a show with Mike McCrae over because a room.

He's terrific. I can't wait.

I was talking to Why wasn't McCrae or James I don't. There's so many people that are amazing at impressions, that are funny comedians also that should be on Saturday Night Live. And I'm starting to think that it's such a bad show now that they just start deciding not to do it. Friends, Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Come on, yeah, God, people don't know how to merge.

Yeah uh yeah, No, either of those guys would be great. Are there any good impressionists on there now?

I do not. I could not finger a single.

Well, I didn't ask you to do that.

Put one of them in a line up. I would not. If someone said, hey, you can finger anyone that is on Saturday Night Live right now, I would not be fingering anyone because I do not.

I might have some of them fer.

Me well, I mean, it's good for your career and for your colon I got fingered all the way to the top of Hollywood. It's great. That's every time I've gone to a proctologist.

Gee.

Uh, he stuck his finger in my ass. And then and then I finally went into the examining room, and I don't know, there were the makings of an old classic.

No, I like that. What's the name about?

Uh my buddy Mark Cohen's got so many of the damn I can't remember any of them. But well, there's the one about the guy who goes in there and they're like, okay, sir, we're gonna need a sperm sample and a urine sample, and a stool sample, and a blood and.

A blood sin.

He's a guy's sick, and he's like, well.

All right, well let me just give you my underwear. But you know what, it occurred to me. I don't think blood sample was part of the Joe. I think I just this guy's got blood on his underwear. That doesn't make sense.

We're also gonna need a sample of your grass that you have. Yeah, we're gonna need some bacteria. This guy just has everything, and we're gonna need a sample of the New Spoon album. It's just no one is underwear.

We're gonna need some samples from some early sixties coming.

Yeah, just some drum samples. Yeah, from early.

Can you give us a drum sample.

Well, my my friend Evan always had this great story.

So Ivan. The other day, right before I booked, Henry booked as skippies.

Oh you booked it.

Yeah, I'm gonna be a voice in a animated peanut situation.

Dude, you didn't tell me that that is fit.

It's good, it's good. I mean, I certainly pay off this Honda. Get the air conditioning. Fick. I'm so sorry.

It's so hot. It's really so anyway. Yeah, so Evan years ago.

Evan, Evan Arnold, Yeah, was formally growing pains.

So Evan was, and this is in his early days. Now he's married with Joseph.

Story about him saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Yeah, he does. He had had interactions with the lady.

Uh huh.

And a few days later he noticed something that looked peculiar in his genital area. Sure and yeah, and so he went in there and he was extremely depressed because he was just assuming. He's like, oh, I've got one of these damn diseases that I'm probably gonna have forever. And he went in there and there was this beautiful girl behind the counter at the doctor's office and the dermatologists or whatever you go to.

And she was like.

And and when he's talking to her, she he was like, this is the kind of girl I should have been with these nasty girls that I'm going.

No, he just walked into the doctor's office, but he just kind.

Of fell in love with this girl behind the counter and started longing for a different choice that he could have made with his life whatever I don't know, and oh yeah, and.

I might be embellishing, but anyway, he was depressed.

But he went back into one of the examining rooms and sat there for a while, and he was there for a very long time, and all of a sudden, that same girl came back.

And opened the door and said, Hey, what are you doing here?

And he goes, oh, I I have some kind of a posture or some kind of a pimple or something that looks like it could be bad on my penis, like on the shaft part of my penis. And she was like, well, no, that's for the doctor.

But what are you doing in room A? I told you that you should be in room C, which is in the back. He didn't even have to he didn't even have to give that information.

He could have started a life.

Yeah.

But then she's like, oh, well, you clearly hang around with tramps.

Oh god, she was an older woman then.

Yeah, she used the word tramps.

Yeah, she's the elderly in nineteen twenty. You wu was to hang out with roustabouts Yeah, and men with tommy guns.

Yeah.

Well that's sad.

Yeah, so it was a missed opportunity of sorts.

But well, you know, in my act, I have the it was the same situation and then the doctor said that's a burn and oh yeah yeah.

Yeah it was from but yours was from a match or something.

Yeah, that very much happened.

It's amazing.

Yeah, burnt my penis. I think I was very drunk, but you never know. Stuff. If anything is in your bathing suit area and other than a bathing suit or underwear, it's uh. I've gone in to planned parenthood because of being grown. Harris. Welcome back to meta cold talk.

No, I know, yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't want to bring everyone.

I had a time that I was trying to put this bathing suit on and it was so small that it.

Was it seems made up.

No, this is totally true.

Okay, and it wasn't your bathing suit. Then you were just trying to put it.

I was at a friend's place and she was gonna.

Take pictures of you.

Yeah, it's actually anything that I could make up at this point is better than the real story. But no, she was like, yeah, you should try these on, and so I was putting them on, and they were so small that I remember thinking it would be funny just commedically to walk out to the pool with this, just like as if nothing.

It's like the thing is riding up my ass and then you could see my balls and everything. But instead I was just like, all right, that didn't work, and I took them off.

No, I'm trying to remember how that story ended. Sorry, Oh yeah, yeah, and then I gave it to the girl and she threw them away.

Oh she because tainted them.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I tainted her underwear and then I she.

Had me fingered.

She had she had fingered you for some of it undercarriage. Yeah, oh well that's well. Do you think did Is there any possibility that she looked at them and you had left.

Like.

No, I just told her what happened, like the same was almost one hundred percent up my ass and it wasn't working all right.

Well, it's not like I'm going to be giving.

This to the next guy who wants to try on underwear, but that happens a romantic situation.

It was gonna be.

Did I ever tell you this one? This one's a classic. I had gotten off I had gotten off the road from uh about eighteen hours straight of a bad travel day, like I was laid over, and then they put me in some crappy hotel in Indianapolis because I had, you know, a delayed flight. And then the next morning I almost missed my flight, but I got on last minute, and then I had a layover in Chicago and it was

This is a yeah, a pub where the.

Neo conservative Yeah, that guy fruit no and so did the show. Afterwards, start talking to a young lady and we were like, let's party and she was like yeah, and so we went to her place, which is around the corner.

Oh that kind of party. Yeah, I thought you meant.

Uh yeah, No, we were kissing at one point, oh wow, yeah, so uh and then what happens is, uh, she says to me while we're kissing, she goes, do you want to take a shower?

And I was like, well, hell yeah.

And then she goes, Okay, well, towels are over here, and there's soaps and shampoos and all that stuff. I guess I guess that. I thought she was saying we should both go in there and take a shower together.

Oh, that's terrific.

Turns out she just wanted me to take a shower because I must have been just.

Dirty, just sweaty and yeah.

And so I said, uh, well, no, I don't want to take a shower by myself.

Who the does that.

I never do that. I always said, That's why I am often unclean, because there's no one around, and so, uh, because I refused to shower alone. It's yeah, I get scared because of the movie Psycho.

I actually have a race in my house right now to what gets used up faster. My almond butter or my soap.

And what do you do with almond butter?

I do this. I put it on my toasts or on my apples.

You just put it on.

But uh, I'm curious. You'll bought the almond butter will be gone way before the soap.

Why why did you decide they're in different rooms?

For one, it's just like when you live alone and you're self employed, you come up with random races with your household. Yes, and that was one that I thought I might try, And the are so crazy.

The art of doing that, the art of that craziness, yeah, is called racism. If I my dad once and I remember he came. It was very funny but also sad. He bought this mustard at Costco. There was a giant gallon jug of mustard and he said, yeah, this is probably gonna be the last mustard I ever buy. And I laughed just because it was so much mustard. But he still has it, and uh, you know, it's kind of sad. What if it is? What if it is? I think of that.

Joke and then but it couldn't be.

It couldn't be. I mean hopefully, well, you know what I'm going to visit. I'm gonna throw away that mustard.

Yeah yeah, throw that away because that's bad energy.

Yeah, it is bad.

Just the fact that he said that it's like a jink.

It was a funny joke, I suppose, Oh no, no, it's very funny on his part, But to actually think it.

Might happen, it's scary. I have no idea where we are.

Oh we're at my Look, we're ended up right at my beach house.

Oh we're here. Wow, Yeah, I guess I get disoriented in this.

Incidentally, it is my only it's an apartment, but it is kind of oh look at this. A lot of times in LA you never know when up screen is going to be cartoonishly blocked off.

Yeah, just for no real.

Also, you know, you know it's been bumming me out a lot lately, is uh Pillars in comedy shows, Every fucking LA show has a damn pillar in front of us.

Look around.

Yeah, I think they've got one at Barlou Bitch, and it's like they've got one at the Palace, and there's countless other ones. Like pillars are the enemies of LA comedy shows.

But comedy clubs and pill there's something to be said for the pillars of our industry, but I don't think that's what I am almost ever said talking about that was actually, you.

Know what has pillars.

The ACME Club in Minneapolis has pillars, which I'm going to be at looking at those pillars from August sixth through August tenth.

Wrapping it up, would you like to plug anything?

I think I'm good with the August second is Austin and then Minneapolis. But I do want to say people, please, uh watch Henry's Kitchen because the only reason I make these things Henry's.

Kitchen because people watch.

Go on YouTube, go to Henry Phillips's page or just or just YouTube search Henry's Kitchen. Yeah, it should come on and you will and also build up an appetite, which is a terrific combination. But don't try and eat.

While my last one came out great except for I forgot to put.

The bag spaghetti, it was a really good episode. I laughed hard, solid jokes in that. And then on Behalf of Me, and also the do you need to write podcast? Go ahead and go on to iTunes and give us a positive review. If you want to give a negative one, you could take that write it down on a piece of paper, roll it up and stick it in your own ass.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they're like, hey, I did, I got it up my ass?

Now what do I do?

Do I get it out?

Because I really want people to know how bad to go.

To a doctor? I just tuk him through it. There's a proptologist in your area. I think he's in your insurance network as well. You want to have him pull out.

There and then he what he sends it to iTunes at that point, how did I? How does iTunes eventually known?

And the doctor will help you extract your negative review then send it to iTunes?

Do I say which podcast I was? Okay?

Just send that And I.

Just don't know how they know.

Yeah, they'll know. Just you'll have your stool sample on there and from that DNA they can figure out who you are and what your email is and they'll reply back to you and say okay, and.

I don't need to log in or no, no, they okay.

You're logging in once you stick something in your ass.

Okay, yeah, technically so they just know from my ISP.

All right, I've been Chris fairbankscuse my whole life. This has been Henry Phillips my temporary co host and friend temporary friend as well. And next time we come back, Karen Kilgarriff will be off of these writing jobs she's been writing on. But until then this has been d Y N A R.

I need you want to way back either you want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and turning on and gay.

We want to send you off instart. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about ity scared her?

Was it fine?

Malforn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris

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