Ep. 13 - Chris Fairbanks: Totally Alone

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a termino and gay. We want to send you off in style. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

Do you do you.

With Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride? My name's Chris Fairbanks. I am by myself in the car. Usually I'm I'm usually one, I'm not chewing gum, very unprofessional, and and and B. I can't remember if I started numerically or alphabetically. Buh no, it's part two. Karen and kel Garaf is usually hosting with me. And then thirdly, I forgot this was a three parter.

We usually have a guest.

I am driving myself to Flappers, the name of a comedy club that I have mixed feelings about. Honestly, I you know, it's nineteen twenties themed, so that's what Flappers is referencing. But I, you know, I think all of us, and when I say flappers to you, the word flappers makes flappers makes us think of any number of genitalia on men or women.

And the sport of jogging.

If you call jogging a sport, A lot of people don't consider anything that you do by yourself a sport, and with those people, I take argument all the time, golf, skateboarding, reading, just about everything I do by myself.

I'm kidding. I don't read anyway. Usually Karen's with me. She is very busy. This week.

She is in the middle of two writing jobs. She has to do an outline for tomorrow. I'm not sure what that is. I think it's a rough version of something written, and I have my set at tit flappers, So we're just gonna sorry, flappers, We're just gonna listen to my voice and you can stop.

At this point. I have anxiety about.

Not coming out with an episode because I heard that that's bad mojo, and I've never used the phrase bad mojo.

In my life.

It makes me think of someone that lights candles and then kills chickens. It's a gypsy word used by those in the art of.

Voodoo. So sorry, I said bad.

Mojo, but I I do think that it's bad luck. Let's just say, look, if you want to be all Caucasian Middle America about it, it's bad luck to not have an episode come out every week. So this is my and I I am gonna put a disclaimer or at least a colon, either an illustration or that word spelled out where it says Chris Fairbanks by himself cool and you don't have to listen to this. And I'm now having better ideas. But anyway, we're going to Flappers Ways.

Well, you gotta get ways, whether you're using.

Google Maps, someone's grandpa, or they just would call me my grandpa. And I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't see the benefits of it. But man, they have got an algorithm that will keep you from losing your way, that's for certain.

They have used.

Zigzagging down roads. The point is with Ways, and of course they're now a sponsor.

Do you need a ride? Ways will have us zigzagging through.

You know, sometimes areas you don't like routes that you're unfamiliar with. If you don't trust Ways, if you try and add your own shortcuts, you're not believing in the system. So you gotta put your trust in Ways. And ever since, I just I pulled down the walls and I let them grab hold of my life.

Ways. There's a book I'd like you to read.

That's sorry, it seemed like I was talking about a religion, but I'm very impressed with Ways as an application.

I know it's nothing more.

And I'm not about to slip on some purple nikes and slip my throat in a bunk bed. Okay, here we go. I'm taking a left on Normandy. I'm leaving the Larchmond area. I should have mentioned that earlier and heading to Flappers. That's Dick Flappers in Burbank, regular Flappers.

How many times? And I'm here to read Yeah, yeah, we got it. Also, usually I think I mentioned this.

We usually have a guest. I think tonight there will be other common accept the show. I don't know a lot of their names. You know, I go to Flappers with a lot of questions. It's not my scene. They have you sign a contract that literally says you will be paid zero dollars, the number zero with a dollar sign in front of it. That is in a contract that they insist you sign, and that just that means you're agreeing to be mistreated. That's all you're doing by

Rather easy.

I mean, it's easy for me to talk for an hour. Clearly, I don't like that joke where people fake laugh and I just did it. I'm gonna apologize anyway. I'm excited to go there. I want to get some stuff off my chest. I'm not that kind of comic that's like, oh, I got some stuff to get off my tits chest, but I you know I do.

But I got some new jokes I'm working on.

It's a good place to fire them off into some human's ear holes and then you know, next week, though, Karen and I will be boarding.

M all aboard fresh Fish. I won't do anything like that again. I'm sorry. I thought i'd do some folly work came out of left field. Pey nuts. Getch you peanuts? That was a left field. That's a baseball reference.

I anyway, we're getting on a boat for the Atlantic Ocean Comedy Festival. It's gonna be very fun. I'm taking a right on Santa Monica Boulevard. There's a street urchin smoking appears to be a handmade cigarette, and he gave me full eye contact. I did not waste any time on him. Last episode, we had a lot of violence. The todd last episode there was a biker that tried to attack us. That wasn't the last episode anyway, the one before. It's so hard to keep track of the

I didn't. I'm not off route. We're gonna be getting on a boat.

Karen and I for the Atlantic Ocean Comedy Festival. Very exciting, put on by the Max Fun Maximum Fun dot org podcast collective. Jesse Thorn, my friend Jordan Morris Aldi's I wonder.

If I don't think Jordan's gonna be there.

But there's gonna be fans of podcasting and fans of podcasting, and there's a cop behind me. I think he thinks I'm schizophrenic, you know, in this age of blue tooths and everything and the freedom to just express yourself to yourself. Isn't he just being a little paranoid? If you ask me, he really is on my ass, really on it. Well that's the thing about me and cops. All they have to do is see my mustache and they just give me that nod all of a sudden, like he's not

I doubt it. Your laundry is in the back seat, asshole. Okay, here we go.

Here we go taking a left on Vermont. I I got a little nervous there.

Sorry. I lashed out at that guy, but he was being aggressive.

So uh yeah, I'm excited to get on the boat. And on the boat we will have access to uh some of your favorite comedians and uh bands, the bands. I'm the comman, you know, Kyle Kanang.

There's there's uh, there's there's there's more. There's many comics.

I I it's am Isn't it amazing that out of a dozen names that I've read on a list.

For months now, all I could think of was Kyle.

Maybe that says something about me, Maybe that says something about my flapper ha uh. Come on, jokes jokes by yourself in a car. If you guys don't mind, I'm just gonna roll down the window a little bit. Oh boy, it's a nice night. It's one of those crisp l a Nikes.

Nikes. Yeah, I said Nikes. You know what, It's funny.

There's there's some people that are consonant Nazis and I'm not one of them. So I'll say it's a beautiful Nike, and you just jump on board. You don't think of oh you mean the opposite of to day. No, you start thinking about a running shoe because I said Nikes.

That's it's a beautiful Nike.

Okay, So don't abandon me and just assume that I made a mistake. But oh, man, on this boat, though, we're gonna have so many podcasts because I think technically we are giving rides. I'm not going to be the captain of the boat. And Nora Karen my co captain. I don't think that's what they call it.

Captain. Uh.

Part two, I think is what they call that. Anyway, we're gonna have come back with so many great episodes. I can see it right now. You know it's you're gonna love it. It's just and I guess this episode, which I can't believe you're still listening to. I mean, come on, I know you have a day job, but good and there's something you could do clerically or data entry wise that would keep you from just this is one of

To be me here with my mouth flapper just going at you.

I'll be at Flappers tonight at nine thirty headlining. That was an impression of Brodie Stevens. I just you know, it's weird to just do it by yourself. I thought it was an idea. I don't even know if I'll post this. I don't think it's called posting. Uploading better better word than posting. But you know, what do I know? I've never had a blog, barely have a website. For God's site, had presence is my biggest downfall.

No, there's other things.

I'm worse at a terrible son and a horrible husband. Well, I've never been married, but isn't that the worst thing about me being a husband?

I won't.

I can't even get married. I can't even get a wife. That makes me an awful husband. I will someday. You know, it's me I think I have. Honestly, I was gonna say commitment issues, but the word intimacy came up, and I think that I have problems with all that.

You know. I think, come on, take a left turn, you dunce fuck. I think you know.

There's a few times my mom had loud sex with strange men. I don't know who they were. One guy was named Dale. He had missing your lived in a van. I liked him though, because he had a lot of cool rock shirts. I was more of a cure new order guy. But man, did he have some Van Halen shirts that on the market here in LA at some thrift store man sixty seventy bucks.

They'd pull in and uh, he'd pull it.

Off and give it to you. Probably was a nice guy. And then with ease cause he only had one ear. I think I mentioned that they'd stay in a van.

You know.

My mom met him in AA and I guess that becomes your social network when when uh, all of a sudden, you're not going out and dancing to blues.

Music or whatever she used to do.

One time, one time, I I smelled weed in her room, and I s I knew what that was like, cause my sister had a party, had.

Smelled marijuana before, and uh, she was there.

She was there with her friend, Uh Connie or s No, it wasn't Connie, who was it? Not?

Only anyway, they were naked.

And then explain the play boys that I used to look at under her bed. But she said, and in her def I kind of believe this. She was like, I have a hustler and a playboy on her my bed because my boyfriend was showing me the difference between the two.

And even at that.

Edge, that edge, that age, that was the age I was playing for you two.

It's popular. I was called the edge.

God, damn it so hard to tell jokes sometimes when the main focus with joke telling is being able to deliver a standard word like age. Oh, it was at a very young edge. And then someone interrupts me, you mean you too, and you know, put a kick me sign on my back. That's what I deserve. There should be a bully in this car, some consonant bully. I said consonant Nazi before, but I think that was a

H Matt, how are you? Oh?

I'm fine, Love. I'm from the UK or the United Kingdom all uh you Britain, Oh, great Britain, Old England.

There's so many names for that one island.

I mean, I know that some of them are excluding or including Scotland, but I d you know, it's just it's another country, and I'll tell you something about myself. I am only willing to learn about this goddamn country right now that we reside in. It's funny to do the two accents and what am I like an actor person?

Why did I That's so dumb that I did that.

I apologize, but in my defense, I'm I that was one of the better English accents I've ever done. It was an okay domestic one. And I say domestic because I'm proud of where my great great great grandparents fucked.

I am at a red light. I think I'm approaching.

You know, it'll be up to me at that point, of course, because you have no saying this, You're only using your ears. But I might just stop podcasting once I get to Flappitti's and you know, or I have the option of either grabbing a comic in there. You know, if I see a Arsenio Hall or a Nerd Burfler or a you know, I'm just saying comics from the old timey days.

I might grab them put them in the car.

But as of now, this is just an apology from from Karen and I that we don't.

Have, like a full legit episode.

But I didn't want to leave you hanging, you know, I didn't want to just have there be this void between you and I because that's something I've learned in my marriage that doesn't exist is a void turns into other problems. You know, avoid avoid the void.

Someone write that down.

You know, when it comes to relationships, colon and colon spilled. Avoid the void. And that's easy enough. That's an easy way to live your life with other people. You know, don't create voids. Be consistent. Let people know you're there for them. I'm there for you. Fuck I miss the five these fucking freeway. Okay, I'm getting a chance to do your turn. I got Karen's so much better at multitasking and driving.

She really is. I really screwed the pooch on that one. I might Okay, let's uh.

I just want to abruptly stop and apologize for the phrase screwed the pooch. I that's never ever come out of my talk hole. I that's I hate that it did. I guess what I'm saying is I'm becoming my grandmother or I'm getting her hips. Okay, here, we're gonna go right on. I guess I got it. Like I said before, trust the ways. Don't try and add your own data. I'm turning right on Glenn Fold.

Fuck. Sorry.

See that's the thing with when I'm driving, it becomes more about the routes and me vocalizing things. Karen's cool as a cucumber in the car. Cool it's a cucumber in the car. And so now I'm in a residential area.

I got a little off track on the way to flappities. By the way, I'm not afraid to you know.

I'm a bit of a rebel, not the kind that has a mohawk and spray paints.

I hate my dad on a wall. But I will show up late to a show.

The contract, which again agrees that I will receive zero dollars, also said, you know, show up at eight thirty, man, it's nine twenty two. But come on, who shows up an hour before showtime? I'll tell you who the opener? Yeah, and I'm no opener. I've been doing this sixteen seventeen. Oh god, that's depressing. It's weird that right now everyone that's listening, you know, upwards of two two thousand a dozen people. It's possibly you're new to me, and oh man, so many years doing this.

But you know what, I'm not here to I'm not here to complain.

I've had a great time, and I'm having more fun lately doing stand up than ever in my life and that's that's actually just a genuine thought. But yeah, it's stand up fun it's getting funner or more fun you know what. We can say funner and you can look it up now, Dick, if you're about to be a word nazi, sorry a word coach on me, it's it's it's a word now funner. It got entered into either

Random House not a great book. Confusing title. It's alphabetized, not random. Okay, here we go. I'm taking a right. Oh, here's the five. Wow. See you gotta trust Ways. I just went. I basically drove.

Through people's living rooms and here I gotta shoot out.

Gotta shoot out. Okay, which do I do? You gotta give me the info? Fuck?

Okay, here we go. Ways saved me. I do believe, and damn it. Okay, this is ridiculous. I just want to on an upper level. I was supposed to go on the lower level, but you know what, fucking.

Mark your shit.

Ah, this is so frustrating. Some you know, I don't know how I survive in this city. I'm basically if you can think of a perfect figure eight, that's what I just created. Like some idiots avant that's into geometry and symmetry, symmetrical semetry.

I fucking missed the god damn it and nollen.

Taking a welcome to traffic talk with a mentally ill person. I'll be your host and guest and featured commentator, Chris Fairbanks.

Okay, I'm gonna take him right here on Rowena, Rowena. A lot of people do joke about that.

I don't don't feel comfortable doing jokes about ethnic sounding names. I don't think that's funny and I don't feel comfortable doing it. Incidentally, if you are a black person, you should move to Philadelphia.

I spent some time there last weekend.

I was working at Helium and what a what a cool town for black people? And I don't I don't know of that if I have the right to say that, but it is everyone. I had the best interactions there with everyone, and all you know, I'm like most thirty something white dudes that were born in Montana. I just want the approval of like an older black man, like a with a cane and a sweater that just, you know, looks like he could have been my grandpa had it

And I had a good time there.

I like I like Philly as far as when they're all in a group together and uh listening to my jokes.

Yeah, I don't like him as much. I'll be honest.

It looks like New York, but it's not new It's New York of New York hated art of any kind.

But you know, it was a It's.

Cool to be there where all the Declaration of Independence and all that was signed. Okay, I have no idea where I am. Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, No, here we go. They're giving me a second chance. I just basically did. I'm back on Los Felis Boulevard. I'm gonna be late for my show. It's funny that while that happened. Isn't that funny how life is? I was making light of the fact that I might be late, and it distracted me.

And now I'm gonna be late because of all my light making.

And that's the thing about driving. You gotta pay attention to the room. I have a feeling I'm making weird noises with rubbing the I have a law which they in the business is known as a clip on microphone. And then, on top of that, because I'm professional and listening to the sound quality through some earphones, those cords of those two items have become entangled, affecting the sound

Hear that. Yeah, that's not good. Hey, I'm not some boom.

Operator, boom operator coat.

Ohh okay there?

Why is it every time I express myself alone in my car, some cop as they are like staring at me.

Well, at least he works for the city, is what he'll say.

Not'll be like, yeah, look at me. Look at these hands. I've been working. I've been working for the city for you. Look at my fingers look like ginger root. You want to fucking hell? Long have I been in Philly?

Fuck that city.

But it's funny though, because my fingers I've as I get older, my fingers look more and more like a professional geisha. It's just soft, pale and uh and okay, I really have to pay attention. Here we go, Do not cut me off or I will knife you. Okay, here we go, and I'm taking a right sack down the Airy Impact Way? Am I going to Sacramento? What the fuck is this?

Well? Trust the trust the app again?

You're listening to do you need a ride with Chris Fairbanks and Karen Gaff? Karen couldn't be here. Uh, probably because she's upset that I can't fucking say her name. And uh we are sponsored by Ways the application that gets you there colon. I don't know why they put the colon at the end. They they should be in the middle of their slogan or their logo slogan.

Okay, I think I'm on the right track now. Yep, ol of AV.

That's always good when you're in Burbank. You aren't in Burbank unless.

You're on olive AV.

I've always said that, and I think it would be a top selling shirt in that area. Let's be honest. I mean that you're only gonna sell that shirt on ol of AV. But I'm buying. I mean I'm selling. I'll buy. I probably won't sell a lot of my Uh, you're not in Burbank unless you're on olive av unquote T shirts, so I'll probably have.

To buy them.

And so I'm buying and selling. Basically, I'm in the wholesale business. Now know how that works. But I think you have to have a warehouse and know someone that breaks legs for a living. Yeah, I work in wholesale. Maybe you'd like to have a shipment of your kneecaps.

At the bottom of the ocean.

You you you jerks? Lost character when I said jerk that would I'd certainly say something harsher, but hey, don't point your fingers at me. I didn't watch that Sopranos you all love so goddamn much.

Yeah, let's be honest. I did.

I just tapered off at the end. Hey, how are you big murderers of the road. That's what my mom used to call eighteen wheelers. I thought that was a little harsh. They're just trying to make a living, Mom. They're hauling cherries or.

Rocket fuel.

You know that doesn't make them a murderer. It gives them the tools to murder. I mean, have you ever choked on a cherry pit? You think it's the end? And also, rocket fuel can be dangerous. Okay, we are approaching. This is going well one thirty four. Okay, no, I'm ignoring that. You're right, You're right to have chimed in. Thank you head voice. And here we go that guy. Oh,

There's bodies in there. Oh my goodness, I am so lost. Fuck this noise? How am I what? No?

Oh? Kiss, I don't know where I am. All right, it's funny. I don't know how I survived back when it was like, you know, opening up at Thomas Guide in this city, because.

It's difficult, it's difficult to keep track.

I just did the biggest Well this might be a full one hour episode, and you know, I apologize while saying you're welcome, because I don't know what you're thinking or feeling.

You know, I'm not a mind reader.

Incidentally, speaking of mind readers, warpy goldberge, I say warpy goldberge because as a joke once I had my friend Henry Phillips, who has been on the show.

He's terrific.

You all love him, he said, drunkenly in attempt to say WHOOPI Goldberg?

He said, warpy gold BArch And.

I'm not going to drop names, but the car was filled with celebrities, and boy did we laugh our tits off. Most of those celebrities are you know, they're having gender issues now, but you know, you can't be a lady without your flappers.

What if that's what they said before the show? Horrible? Horrible, No one's listening anymore. Okay, gonna take Western. Oh shit, guess who fucking missed?

No, no, no, sorry, all of all of is what I'm taking. How soon did I forget about my hit T shirt design?

Olive? Good lord?

Anyway, Henry uh I said warping, Oh yeah, I just saw ghosts at the musical. That's what we're getting at mind readers. She played a clairvoyant like Miss Cleo type. I mean, in the eighties people, you know, there's there's there's lines like oh he's pretty cute for a white guy. Now that's offensive to all of us. You know, that's you know that, it's just that's the kind of comedy

My mother said, you know that it's so dumb.

Musicals, just the whole the whole concept of them just made me laugh like a fifteen year old kid.

But then boy, I got into Ghosts. The musical I did.

It was and it sounds funny, but because it's a stage play. But the special effects, I'm telling you, they had like a mesh screen in front of the stage and then an additional screen like behind the stage. So during the performances, which as you know, it's just people well standing on stage, and some of them, you know, they were miked. That was as technical as usually it gets. They project images and lights and pre shot footage, you know,

It was the Coolet.

If you live in LA and I know it sounds funny because I went to it so hesitantly, and you haven't seen ghosts of the musical. You know, don't go. It's expensive. But if someone gives you tickets and then you end up going accidentally, god, you're gonna love it.

It was so amazing. I loved it.

I was like, Okay, so I'll take it back, buy the tickets. I'm maybe it's me not I'm just all of a sudden realizing I might like musicals.

I don't know.

I'm not like a tough guy or something, or phobic in any way, but I'm passing flappers. So I'm here. I'm here, and I'm gonna find a place to park. That's you've been listening to. Do you need a ride with Karen and Chris. I've been Chris Fairbanks.

You know.

I think this was a good episode, and I'm I'm gonna go ahead and keep telling myself that we'll be back next week with a bunch of great comics that are on the Atlantic Ocean Comedy Festival. Until then, this has been d y n aar. Sorry, no, don't be a dick, I'm just a fucking honking weird lady.

Are leaving you wanna way that?

Either way you want.

To be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you this time and day, Turman Alingay, we.

Want to send you off inside. Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about it?

Rescared her? Was it fine?

Melcourn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chriss