Are you leaving?
I you wanna way back home?
Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a termino and Gaby aid.
We want to send you off InStyle.
You want to welcome you back home.
Tell us all about.
Every scared he was?
It fine?
Now porn?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need ride?
With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? I'm Chris Fairbanks, I'm Karen col Gara, and we are driving John Dore from Canada, Canada. We've driven from Canada. It's a long drive and I just started recording.
We could have could have taken advantage, gotten.
A lot of good stuff up to Wow.
You guys came and got me in Canada, and then you forgot the batteries for the recorders. So we drove to California again.
Now we're just driving around to get fresh California batteries.
It's funny that this recording device will not accept Canadian batteries.
I did not know that they were different.
They're in kilometers. It's very different Celsius. No, we're batteries.
I don't know, and I don't know the conversion.
Their loonies and the blooney's up there like.
Volts in Canada. I don't know what you guys use here, but they go in backwards. They're all upside down.
We don't use that.
Yeah, I don't. I haven't understood this device so far, but I think so. If someone wants to complain about how we sound, go ahead and do that, but first give us a nice review on iTunes.
Yeah, give us a nice review on iTunes, but then complain the hell out of it on Twitter. Because there's no such thing as bad press about your sound.
That's right. Bad news is good news. Yeah, that's what they say.
That's what they always say.
And if they're hearing it, then at least you know it's working.
Right, So something's working.
That's a bonus, exactly, they got something.
I feel like there needs to be more gratitude in the world.
It's not Oh my podcast isn't recorded at a good level.
How about just like God, bless the fact that I have podcasts.
Karen, thank you for saying it, because I didn't want to bring it up the world is too negative. Yeah, we need more positivity, we really do. It's watching some very positive YouTube videos last night, which one I found this guy in I don't even know how it came across it. He does this podcast out of New York City and he preaches positivity and he's just like this, you know, like first year college kid running around doing like a vlog with his friends, and it's the most
entertaining thing. He like paints his little niece's face and makes her look like Drake and then just it's like the most innocent.
Hilarious because I don't that's a goatee on her. Positive Well, it depends how you look at it. It depends if you're racist, then you don't think it's bad.
Then you think it's great and you're grateful for more racism in the world.
Or like minded people, you got to be positive, that's true. I always thought that if hate groups, like every oppressed group has always risen to power, right, sure, so they've always overcome. History tells us that if you oppress a group of people, they will rise up. So if you don't want to listen to their comedy or their music, then love them, and then that way they won't feel the need to achieve anything.
You know, I agree with that, and I see that on individual levels too, Like when someone has a bad upbringing or not enough support from their parents, that lights a fire under their ass to prove their parents wrong, and they.
Will literally yeah, yeah, a.
Literal far.
It lights wild hair under their ass, a literal wild rabbit crawls up their ass and makes them become more successful.
Where did you grow up?
Well in a field, in a field with not a lot of guidance.
I was.
I wasn't raised by wolves, but I was adopted by some your My parents did the initial work and signed the papers, but they didn't know wolves were coming. You just got a cross check when you're giving a baby.
Away, who is this legal garden?
Are they going to be a human? Is it or is it not? A wolf? A lot of agencies don't check hard enough.
They don't they're so lazy.
But if you you know, have someone like me.
My parents believed in me the whole time, and now I'm really lazy.
No, full full disclosure. I've never seen dances with wolves, really never seen it.
No, what would you say the Canadian equivalent would be without film?
It's just a photo of there's no or naked.
The equivalent would be, yeah, all of boot pelts, all of boot, all of boot dancing with these wolves. Eh. I I don't dance, so if if for me, it would be sitting on a chair in the corner with music playing, watching the wolves while they dance. And I have nothing to do with it.
And you're kind of mad like a wom Matt a wolf version of footloose.
In his town, they never dance because he's the mayor.
In the mayor of john Town, there's no dancing in the actual town I'm from. They allowed dancing, they loved they were great.
It's Capezio, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, right, is where you're from?
WHOA, what was that?
Did you?
Kupezia? Is that a real place in Saskatchewan.
No, it's a type of dance wear that so Gallerina reference. It's okay, you only get it if year old.
I'm gonna go ahead and admit something. When I was in Montreal for two thousand and three.
You watch your watch your mouth, buddy.
Hey, I'm carefully choosing my words. I remember saying, which providence are we in?
Now?
Providences? Of course, the capital of Rhode Island. Sure, not a state Canada?
Was it the kind of thing you were saying over and over again? Though my whole life?
Did you my whole life?
Until I was twenty five, I said, oh, the Providence of Alberta.
Of course I.
Could see that though the Border Patrol. Oh, yeah, they caught me. Then they they gave me. I don't know how you get punished.
So wait a minute. You asked the boys Providence, are we in?
Yes?
So that's not yeah, like that is disgusting. Pour out that deer. Pour out that beer and brush the deer, brush the horse. Can't remember the punishment, but it was created.
It sounds like it was about the head and neck.
Pour out the beer and brushed the horse.
But buddy's that's my that's wrapping up getting arrested in Canada in a nutshell, Pour out the beer.
Did you really get arrested in Canada though?
Before? But not for saying Providence?
What did you get arrested for?
Well, it was a dance contest at the Thirsty baron Waterton and some of my moves were not legal in that area.
You're lying, I did nothing wrong.
Bring bring the truth. You're in Philadelphia man, have you.
Arrested in Canada?
John, I've never been arrested. No, I mean easily could have been, just never caught. But yeah, have you ever been arrested?
No? No, My ultimate fear that is joining the army.
Yeah, or or And this is not as likely to happen as accidentally joining the army or getting arrested. But uh, someone declaring me insane and can't not being able to get out of an asylum.
The more you argue, the crazier you see.
Yes, the more you argue, the crazier you seem you have to spend. Yeah, it would just be terrifying.
I don't know that I've ever been arrested, but I was handcuffed and held on the side of the road for a long time until we finally one of my friends, Yes, one of my friends.
We've been hanging out since fifth grade.
But you guys, I'm a cop and i'm this guy's superior, and he took the cuffs off.
Yeah, it was easy.
No.
We we were skateboarding in the street and a cop pulled over, but he was in his own car like a Ford Explorer, and he threw open the door and a news truck ripped the door off his car. Yes, and he was very angry at us for that having had happened. That having had happened. He looked at us for blame and was very angry. I remember he threw his glasses and they broke, and I said, well, now
you have a broken pair of glasses and he handcuffed me. Yeah, and it was because we are skateboarding, so I've been around.
Well, but he handcuffed you for SaaS.
It sounds like, yeah, it was getting lippy.
Yeah, I got I don't think those scales balanced though, do they?
No, No, you.
Should have been in jail perhaps, Yeah, SaaS doesn't equal let's cuff this kid.
Luckily, my friend Josh Harris, who's African American, and in Montana, where I'm from, that doesn't happen.
A lot.
African American babies is growing up there. But there was one black cop name, Oh, I don't know, Constable Harris. Anyway, it was assumed that he was related to the other black mister Harris.
So that's why we got off.
Oh well, that's cool.
Yeah, it's like racism working for you.
And I don't like racism in any way.
John, Well, what's cool? Is that you got off my friend. And if you didn't, who knows where your life would have gone. You may not have been here today.
Just in the direction of face tattoos put on by some apparatus with a doorbell motor.
You would have been in the doorbell motor. You would have been in the gray bar motel selling smokes in the cafeteria. But no, you are here with us today. Yeah, that's right, gentlemen. Let's hear it for Chris Fairbanks here and the shoe phone.
I just kicked it up.
Shoe phone my favorite thing in the world. It's up there like if I had the list, like ten of my favorite things. It's on the list.
You guys. Thanks a lot.
The first time I saw him do it, we were on a show together and I couldn't believe it. I kept turning the person next to me and being like, wait, did you see that?
See? I think you actually.
Caught it that time, I do I can.
I can kick my shoe off into my hand without people seeing me loosen the shoe.
Oh, that's the slide of hand. The night I saw it, it was seamless, like this thing just flew up. It's almost like it came out of the audience right into your hand, so nonchalant.
That was fine. That's phase one.
He bo oh, I don't know, some guy doing his best Jim Hamilton impression. Yeah, it looks like Hamilton. Jim Hamilton. You guys don't know who he is.
But Jim Hamilton is a shortstop for a Triple A baseball team, right.
God, he's got an arm. He should be a Double A with that arm. Yeah, I mean he's a round. He should be an AA. That's what I'm saying. And then phase two came along a couple of years in where I would take the shoe after using it as a pretend shoe phone and throwing it back on my foot.
I realized I was able to.
Do that, so you could throw it back on.
Yeah, I can throw my shoe from my face level back onto.
My toes up so to speak.
Yes, yes, well we shouldn't talk right now. It's what I say. And then I throw it back and uh, you know it does.
Well, it's one of the greatest things because it's silly. Let me tell you why it's great. It's silly and no one sees it coming. Yeah, that's its great writing. It's just fun.
It's kind of lazy.
But that's what I don't know.
I don't give a ship.
I'm just going to this dumb thing, very rocking.
I wouldn't use the word lazy, but again, I'm not a writer who's hungry.
By the way, Oh I could eat.
We we're gonna eat time is the question? Well we do before the show tonight? Karen is headlining?
Headlining?
Well, it's eight thirty now, yeah, maybe we can go back. I'll go do my guitar tuning whatnot. You guys can go eat and then meet me there. Okay, because I'm going to start having to brush my hair pretty soon. I have to brush it to hundred fifty times before the stroke starts.
Right right, She has OCD, but if he works out in her beauty favor, I have to line napkins at the edge of the table.
Oh it doesn't look me, look me any more handsome.
Come on, lady, we don't have all day white pants close labor day.
My equivalent of Chris Fairbanks shoe phone for John Dor and climb.
On the roof.
I know what's happening a little too close for comfort.
My equivalent is John Dor's classic bit where I can't remember what you say. It's something along lines of isn't it crazy that you can't smoke inside anymore?
And then you just smoke a cigarette on stage saying anything.
Yeah, remember the night you did that all the time.
So yeah, I will do that whenever I really feel like backfired on you money, I thank you. I it well, when did it? It only went weird once. I was doing a one night or in a pub in Huntington Beach at a bar and oh, sorry bar, Yeah, and it's a it's that's a pub is a bar in kilometers And I did a Yeah, I did a show and I lit up and the bouncer immediately came over and said, you have to put that out. And the audience was completely silent. And unless you let it kind
of draw out, you know, it doesn't. So now it just looks like I'm getting the ship for being an asshole. Oh yeah, and so there I am on station. Yeah, but it's kind of part of the thing. He's like, put it out. It's funny, but there's the audience is rather put it out.
Okay, I'm not John, I'm not saying eyes on his side, you know, I'm on your side. But sometimes you hear someone's story and you're taking their side, but you also see the side of the other person. And I'm afraid that in this situation, I understand the bouncer telling you to stop smoking.
It is oh yeah, yeah, I'm not against the law, and I'm not telling him, you know, he did anything wrong. I'm just answering the question posed to me, which was has it ever backfired? And yeah, I don't know why I'm being grilled here. No judged, No, And I'm not being judged.
I mean backf like in a cartoon where their cigarette blows up and peels back.
Oh, a literal backf not who I was talking to, but.
Yeah, yeah, a cartoon exploding cigar, as that ever happened.
But that that's the only time it really back for if you're in a club, most people you can hear the people in the audience sometimes say I can't believe this is happening.
Other than that, they say it like Valley.
I remember once in Minneapolis. In Minneapolis, I did it and there was a pregnant woman in the audience, and I was like, oh shit, why have I committed to this? I shouldn't have even tried this because it's not necessarily about it is about her, but also other people noticing her in the audience, and just the idea of smoking with a you know, a woman who has a life form growing in her body in the front row. Probably not the best.
Idea, but she was like, don't worry about it. I do it all the time.
Yeah, I wish. And that was also the same weekend where I ended a show by farting into the microphone.
Well, a lot of people don't know that farting into the microphone will also give your baby a low birthway.
They were more mad, Yeah, you've deafened my baby before it's born. It was that sonic boom from the ACME Comedy Club.
Can I ask a question? Was that improvised? Did you know you were going to do it? Did you feel it?
Oh?
No, no, I'll tell you it was rightly planned. It was a shining moment in my mind, Karen. I swear I had done this thing where I like in the audience that I, you know, you're supposed to end really strong, and I take a lot of time working out to it, and then I just start to walk off the stage without ending strong. But then I accidentally knocked over a beer and things got clumsy on the stage and then there was kind of like a half laugh. But it
needs to be silent for it to be anyway. So I didn't know what I was going to end with now, and then I felt this rumble and I thought, oh my god, I don't know what happened. It was just instantaneous, and I grabbed it and it just happened and it could not have been better, and the audience laughed. And then I went backstage and collapsed on the ground laughing as Eric because I am a fool. Yeah, but I enjoyed it.
You're a fool, but you know when you have a good closer.
Yeah. And then the MC has to go pick up the fart mic and talk into it. He put his mouth near the fart mic.
If you could, if you could control it and do it on purpose closing every.
Show, So would I control my diet?
Yes, you should try to do it tonight because we're all about to do the same show together.
We are.
It's very exciting.
We are where it's you as the headliner. Karen Kilgarriff headlining at the at the Meltdown Theater in Hollywood, California and John dor me guy.
We'll see.
I never have said I could spell it. I could spell it, and I could finger him in a lineup. But I know, excuse me, I could point him out if he had done something wrong. Sorry, Jesus God, you guys language Nazis.
I said language strict dictators.
Thank you, You're.
Welcome, based soldiers boot excuse me, cars.
Oh, I meant totaled crowds.
So even if I can't summon one, I will try my hardest. Nothing if nothing comes out, and they'll just walk off.
I've seen I've seen you smarts before.
That that's ridiculous. You've never seen that.
You light candles, you kill a chicken. It's very spiritual, and the fart comes comes.
Yeah, it's the only way I can uh summon gas in my well.
What you can maybe tell by the audio mic, the the car room mic, is that we've stopped and we are at meltdown.
So let's go inside do the comedy concert.
There.
We'll play some clips of everyone.
Maybe I'll make I'll make a little announcement before everyone's clips, so it's not confusing.
Cool, like I'll go Karen kill Garreth.
What you'll know by our voices.
Do anything, No, and then I'll go nutched up.
We have John.
Door, two old guys, and then and then I'll go next.
Up this guy brought Nay, you just recorded the intros. You don't have to do those again. Isolate those.
Yeah, I'll chop them up and use the exact same if.
You can figure that out.
Okay, let's go do Oh yeah, it's a joke.
Remember positivity, positivity, and then we'll jump back in the car and finish this out.
Thanks for the ride, Okay, well we're still gonna give you, but thanks for this portion of the ride.
You're welcome. Like if I took an airplane to Canada, I would thank the pilot and then on the way back I would thank them.
They don't want it.
Okay, we'll be back.
Beer, pet the horse and get the beer outrush the horn, rush the horse, beer out of your face. Hello, nerd melts, how are you guys doing?
You guys, are you ready for one of the best comedy shows you're going to watch during your precious little lives? Because you, guys, tonight, you guys are going to get to watch the very delightful Miss Karen Kilgareff teara apart your minds and your hearts with her guitar. Also going to enjoy the very lovely mister John dor and the very lovely mister Chris Fairbanks, and of course myself, the even lovelier guy Brandon. How are you guys doing. What's
your name? Young lady who said classic? Okay, that's a valid answer. Classic. I would be questioning why you were placing today, not even a week after July fourth is one of the best nights of your life. I would wonder if you were part of those one of those teen movies where a girl goes on an adventure and learns about herself and finds a boyfriend all in one night. Like see, Okay, you never know, you never know where the evening may take you. What's your name, Yasi, It's
a pretty name for a pretty face. I'm unfamiliar with it. I think I've heard it applied to both boys and girls, So I'm going to respect that and defer to that as a real name and not one of those made up things that parents do sometimes. Yeah, so did you happen during the course of my introduction to catch my name? My name is Galie good job guy is barely a name. The only way that my parents could have exerted less effort in naming me would be if they'd called me hey, dude,
or that one baby who lives here. Do you understand my point? My point is that all of my life I wanted a nickname. I never had one until college. In college, they called me the Futon because I was so good at making sex awkward and uncomfortable. You guys may have noticed that I'm unusually large for homosexual. I'm not certain why this is the case. My current working theory is that once my parents realized I was going to be gay, they figured they might as well raise
the large one in the counter. If they're not getting grandchildren out of the deal, at least they could get a blue ribbon. All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for an awesome show? All right? Your next comedian is astoundingly talented and he's the Ryan Seacrest of Canada.
Please welcome to the great towns of mister John Tor. I don't know how to get into this either, but I wanted to talk about my grandfather. I did stay with him towards the end of his life. He didn't like living alone. And one night my friend Robin came over and we're playing checkers in one of the rooms, and unbeknownst to Robin and Robin, I loved do you know what I mean? Like Robin was one of those
girls where it's like, I fucking love this girl. And she came over to just innocently play the game of checkers. And then my grandfather walked in to the room, opened the door and said, John, your friend has to go. And I thought, personally, he didn't need to do it with his robe open and nothing underneath, do you know what I mean? That's just my opinion. I think he could have made a better choice, you know, but he didn't, and so he will literally and figuratively cock blocked me. Okay,
that's what my grandfather did. But I always thought there's no such thing as fate, and there cannot be because why would Robin since the day she was born, why would her life be on a collision course with my grandfather's genitals at one point? Right, it shouldn't happen. My grandfather, I used to I remember, you know what, let's just move on to something else, because this next part is not gonna be good. I'll give you the punchline. Essentially,
the punchline is it was my grandfather's leg. Well, i'll give you the setup then, because now you're confused. But the setup is. The setup was one time I got to my grandfather's home and I was so drunk that I decided to be a good idea to take a giant bite out of a brick of blue cheese. But it was my grandfather's Yeah, you got it, okay? Good? Right? White, chalky white with veins of blue mold. You got it? Okay? Yeah, they look pretty much to say it. Well, I'm like,
why is he in the fucking fridge? Not my fault entirely, let's think about it. Because his memory was starting to go. That's why I remember the day I called. I knew the day's memory started going as the day I caught him urinating with the door open. Not a huge deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
Fuck.
I have memories about this area of town too. You know the you call him head shops here. I don't know, uh, you know that store just like two blocks sub you call them head shops here? What? Okay? Good? I'm from Canada originally, so I don't know what you fuckers say. Okay, and you know what we did not it's not about abandoned. We did not abandon the queen, is what we did. We were loyal subjects. We didn't dart off in our own willy nilly direction like you idiots did, like, oh,
we can figure it all out. Great job, guys, great job. You know, Canada ended slavery almost one hundred years before you did. But that that's probably ten that's probably all temperature you know what I mean, that's all temperature related. Because in the cold, in the cold, you just make decisions, and you know, it's like, fine, fuck, just get me. I got a shovel, Okay, so just get me. Everyone drinks from the same water fountain, where all equals I
got a shovel, or my wife won't fuck me. That's what the that's what the reality is in the cold. But in the South, you're just like, well, let's talk about it. I don't think we're quite ready. Okay. Anyway, that might be something. I have a note here. You know, the show murder she wrote very heinous television program like or heinous title. Anyway, murder is in the title. That's a heinous crime, probably the most heinous crime, yet we
put it in the murder, she wrote. You'd never see rape, she wrote, is what I'm getting now, Okay, even though there's alliteration already built in and it's not even the most heinous of all crimes. But I guess it's because the scenes would be a little different, wouldn't they for instance, imagine that'd be weird. But do not have the courage to do that tonight? We I mean, don't go I can't go there? Really, why he's good, He's gonna explain it.
Did you say unappropriate? Okay? Sure? Yeah? Or inappropriate? But you know what, you guys left the queen a long time ago, so don't worry about it. Does anyone else hear say unappropriate? By the way, I would say inappropriate personally only because it's right. That's the only reason why I was. You didn't know where I was gonna go with it. It could have been the most lovely tale you've ever heard. And you're now you're not gonna hear it.
You're not gonna hear the rape? She wrote, payoff all right. It was on an airplane with a lady and she pulled out a bag and started pulling what looked like tupperware from home out and I thought, oh, this can only go well. I love when people bring their own food into a vessel that's airtight, hard boil eggs, three of them. Yeah. First of all, people who eat eggs, they fucking impatient. Right, if you're an egg eater, you're like, you can't even wait for it to be an animal
before you start shoving it in your fucking mouth. All right, let it grow into something before you're like, get it in me. It's disgusting. There's more there, but fuck it, let's just move on. We gotta move this a long. I was gonna say the headshop over here this year, well the I'm not proud to say this, but remember sitting in my apartment watching the heat and spurs, and
I thought, you know what, let's spice it up. And as a grown man, I went to the head shop and I picked up twenty four nitrous oxide cartridges and balloons in a you know, And I sat there watching a basketball game and just sucking in nitrous balloon after nitrous balloon, and I thought, for a second, you know what, I'm gonna be present in another country one day, and then I remember it, I'm Canadian and that's not even allowed. Because we did not abandon the queen. We stuck with her.
We said, let's see this out before we start thinking we're better now. Well, okay, let me tell you a story to end off here. I hope you like stories. I used to live in Toronto, Canada with my roommates Steve, and we're comedians. He still is to this day. And I went to uh and uh, soph deprecating. You know what, I just realized, I have never had an epiphany that's gonna be great because I hear they're alarming. They're gonna be great that ever happens.
You know.
You've seen him on Coning. We have the same manager. Please welcome the very talented mister Fairbircks.
I had to take my cat to my dad's.
I didn't have room in my little place, so I asked my dad, can my cat come retire. I don't know what he did for a living, but he's done, and so I.
Had to put him.
When you bring an animal and a cat too, I thought they just put it in the bottom of the plane, like with luggage. And live chickens. I was assumed there's live chickens down there, but they make you carry it and put it under the seat. So that's pretty traumatic for a cat. So you have to make sure that your cat is eligible or not or whatever able to be sedated or eligible for a sedation.
There's a list that TSA gets.
So I went to a vet lady and I was like, Hey, I'm gonna fly with my cat. And she's like, well, let's test his blood. It's only three hundred bucks, why not.
And so.
And I had to fly the next day and she was like, uh, she goes, great, cat's very healthy. Can totally because if you don't test the blood, they're fucking six tits up.
They're done. They die. Some cats die. Fuck.
I'm still I'm going back to how scared I was. But she said, you're your cat's fine, it's very healthy. You can totally sedate your cat tomorrow. And then I was like okay, thanks, and then she goes, oh, he does have AIDS, And I was like aids. Wow, that's the fucking first thing I would have mentioned.
Aids.
Well, feline aids. It's different, is it so different?
Okay?
Can okay? Can a person like I am around the catalot can a person? And she stopped me and she's like, no, you can't get AIDS from a cat. And I was like, I know, I knew that. I just wanted to see if you knew that. But it was on my mind. Fleas have gone off. That cat burrowed into my ankles, you know. So I fucking tense, and so I went to the airport. Maybe I drank a bit.
Some lady.
She was a cat lady with a glittery shirt. I just remembered I was supposed to paint her house and catalina. Anyway, she that wasn't a pun. She lives on the island. I so i'm I'm nervous and I and she gave me a bloody marry and we kind of got drunk. And so as I was getting on the plane with this old lady who was so supportive, I go to her as a joke, I'm like, Aid's cat coming to board, aids cat coming through. This cat has AIDS, I just said. But then on the plane it kind of traveled into
everyone's ears. So I just basically yelled Aid's cat. And on the plane the cat started once we were airborne. The cat started making a noise that sounded kind of like kind of like this all ooh, I'm a fucking human. Not the last part, but the fucking human noise. Eyes owl had three sixties and eyes crossing like an an eighties movie when someone gets kicked in the balls and
the pain is like. My cat was doing that, crossing its cat eyes and panting like a dog does, a tongue undulating and dripping, and I'm looking in the little mesh window. I'm like, fuck this noise, and I unzipped it and let the cat out. I ou't give a fuck about any of these people. You know, when a baby's crying, the mom's like ignore them. That's how I'm like, cat, enjoy, don't die. I thought he's dying. He looked like he was dying. And the cat just kind of walked up
and down the aisle. I'm like, yeah, what are you gonna land the plane? Sky waitress, fucking my cat's going for a walk, Say hi, say hi to people. The cat went back further and I heard some old lady faintly, and it was pretty terrific. She goes, uh, oh, don't pet that cat. He has age i'd Lexie. Thank you you guys, Thanks.
Chris Fairbanks. Everybody, Okay, are you guys ready for your headliner? This lady is so funny, she's so smart, she's so good.
She's the former head writer of Ellen.
She has six goddamn Emmy Awards, she was the head writer of The Pete Holmes Show, and she's one of the best fucking comedians working today. Please welcome to the very talented Miss Karen Kilgarriff.
I forgot my password again. I have no idea what it could have been. Try my old dog's name my birthday. I tried one, two, three, four, five six, but I guess it slipped my mind because those little blue words came up every time.
Did you forget? Did you forget? I gave up and I clicked yes.
Why do I pretend whatever I come up with, I will just forget again. Why don't I break down and use your name? It's the only thing that's in my brain that never seems to go away. I think I lost my phone again. Oh holy shit, it's in my hand. Something's really wrong with me.
I'm not the man I used to be.
I can barely text my friends, and then when I do.
I don't hit send.
Something's really wrong with me.
And I said that already.
When does this pap?
When do you like back to being smart again? Will it just get her some worse each day?
Is that the only.
Way my brain will let you go away?
Yeah, it's important to applaud quickly after the sad ones because I'm up here by myself, Like it's like I took my shirt off and you're just staring at me.
Essentially, you're like, well, I don't know, we care about your feelings that much.
It's like comedy room.
There was one moment the song ended and then it was that Cricket's like cricket, more like cricket time. I've had this pedicure going for probably nine months. I think it's not toenail.
It's all polish.
Front row gets extra stuff because they came early.
Oh all right, I.
Haven't played this one in a while.
Thank you. My mom's here.
Everybody's been in a business situation. Everybody has suffered under fluorescent lights. We've all said, oh my god, how much longer will I be here? And oh my god, what is happening in my life? And everybody stood in a corporate kitchen net, just staring at a cupboard full of cream, or scared to dead that they'll never find real love, scared to dead they'll only get mean.
We only get this one life.
Sorry, Buddhist.
Better make sure you're doing it.
Ride Ride, Ride, ride.
Now, because you could feel a lump in the back of your throat and find out you have stage five cancer. You could get shot by a little kid or plowing.
To the back of a Mitsubi she lancer.
You could ach the moonlight gives side stroll and then fall.
Into the sea erosion.
You could hit your head on a murphy bed and forget me, forget me.
You only get this one pass. I hope you don't spend the whole time, the whole time acting like a.
Fucking assss.
Oh, because see how everybody's been in a business situation.
Everybody has suffered under floras and lights. You've also oh my god, how much longer will I be here? And oh my god, what is happening in my life?
We can't afford to the innocent stand up in face the enemy.
It's you.
It's a do or die situation. This is a straight up business situation.
One more time for Guy Braham Chris Fairbanks, John Dorr.
Thank you guys.
That was the end of the concert. Yeah, yeah, you get it. Guys, we're in the green room.
Yeah, you're not going to the car now. We don't need to go to the car right here.
We should do some rails and we should tell some stories.
I'd like some sweets, but that's what I really want to do.
That's the difference between what you're saying and what I'm feeling. I would really like to do that.
You have a difference between you thinking I don't don't mean it in reality is that I absolutely would do.
The main thing is is we don't We don't ever address John's coke problem.
Well, I don't have a problem to address that right away too, that I don't have a problem.
You do have a problem if if the only solution is more coke.
I didn't say that was the only solution. I just said the idea.
Is there another solution?
You know what? Well, like a direct alternative to coke?
Yeah, pour over dark roasted coffee.
Just a really good hug from a friend is always.
Nice, but the right friend got to be the right friend.
Yeah, co cover coffee is a true white Russian? Do you guys, welcome back to do you need a ride? We just shared a comedy concert caught up in snippets. I haven't done it yet.
No, it will be good.
It's gonna be great.
And John Roy's with us in sitting sitting jar wait, shout out.
This is like a real green room.
Hang.
There's got to be John Rude around and see if you can find another microphone.
And let's be honest. Let's be honest. Chris has had a few drinks. So that's another reason why we're not in the car. We're going to be driving in.
Yeah, but sometimes I get so drunk that I can't even be a passenger. Is that a bad?
Yeah?
I get so drunk I can't podcast. Can you imagine? Terrible?
But you once got arrested for drinking and driving when you were a passenger. That's how drunk you got.
It's funny this guy can't be within the vicinity or.
He causes cars to just fall off the cliff.
He's so drunk.
He makes cars, He creates cliffs.
He creates clip.
Yeah, he create cliff.
He Craig Cliff drinks ci Cliff cargo off.
There I have to say for this discussion, I'm just so excited this show is over because it's stressed me out.
How did you feel?
Yeah, it felt fine.
I don't know, I don't know.
You were lovely and hilarious and great and like it's such a what's interesting if no?
Or yeah, well go ahead, okay.
I was gonna say a little bit because it's kind of what you're doing now too, like the portion pull of being sincere and revealing, but also the responsibility of being a comedian, and that seems to be like a bit of a war even though the audience is fully fucking enthralled with what you're doing.
I know, I don't care what they think.
Yeah, but I think, but you do a little bit right.
Yes, because yeah, yeah, absolutely, because you see it.
I just almost feel like I need to tell them, just in case there's one person that might think anything. I need to be saying, like what the absolute truth is exact thing which is not professional or like it's not what most people do.
You kind of skim over that and pretend it's fine.
I do it all the time. I think you and I have that.
In common in our performances.
Well, I call to the I call attention to truth. Too often when I should just be like, I'm an entertainer and you're fully engaged. Yeah, but can I just after every CHOKEA guess what, John, You're about to get plugged.
Ready, I'm going to say something related.
And then build up to full talking.
Look at this, Chris, We're now doing full the cans as they say, right now I can. Hey, John, welcome to the podcast.
Oh my god, thanks.
For having this is the first.
Thanks for having.
Four people for four on the floor.
Oh my okay, that's it's not allowing.
That a troop now it is. There's a Canadian. There was a Canadian is it?
I thought it was carving on the.
Floor is what they described, like Charlie Watts playing like you know, just record before.
There was also a Canadian sketch troop called four on the Floor. At one point they had like no idea, I honestly have no idea, but they did. I'll pull it up here. But they had like I think they did, like comedic songs and stuff. I think they had a TV show for a bit too. Mister seventies, no eighties for sure.
Yeah, yeah, the floor Like if I.
Put in are you familiar with something called mister canoe head. Oh look it came right, of course, I am Canadian Google right now, four on the floor. It's a Canadian. Yeah, it's Google.
I get some good reviews.
I was dressed like a nun and that guy's dressed like a mister cawhead.
It's amazing.
Mister Canehead is not only the name of the character, but there's a drawing of a man with a canoe for heaving, so it's not it's not like metaphorical.
I think it was a guy who got struck by lightning while walking through the woods wearing an aluminum canoe. I can't remember, I can hearry. He was recurring for sure, and it weld into his head, so he was mister canoehead. Yeah, but going back second, because like I have to stop and tell these guys to be quiet there.
Well wait, okay, god, that must have been a funny joke. There's another podcast going.
On in the night.
Trying to make it's.
Called it's called they're doing a podcast called podcast Ruiners, and they trying to do a podcast where they travel around trying to ruin other.
People's pocket and it's super easy because there's always podcasts everywhere.
Yeah, so everyone outside man and the car back.
Your laughing and a bunch of ship man they've done that. It's pretty. But no, I was gonna say, because when you were doing okay, uh, there is like that push and pull, like the struggle to be sincere and also combined with the comedy. But you know when you do comment on things and you are you aware like that's just you reacting in the moment, But are you trying to be funding in those moments or is that you trying to recover from something that makes you maybe feel a bit.
Awkward or no, yes, it's all those.
All those things because it's funny. So that's kind of what makes the show doom, you think. And it's first talking about maybe because tonight and you could even play a clip from it if you wanted to, not trying to produce. But as a micro.
Manager, I don't have that kind of editing capability.
But it was hilarious. Time to open up garage man, but tonight would get better because of him. But tonight, tonight when you said tonight, when you said you said, not closing on that, and it wasn't even like a second and a half after, not even half a second after you'd finished the joke.
Hilarious.
Also, let it do a sing song.
Like something isn't working, you gotta mug it up vocally.
Yeah, but you're you're you're contributing to Yeah, you know what the audience is, You're feeling the audience and yeah, we know where I went wrong, where.
I went out and I actually started feeling the audience started.
But we did a podcast and we did this weird show at this art place downtown.
Tony Bartaloni, right, he was a lovely man. We love him.
He's great, huge comedy fan himself. But it was I felt like I ate it, like literally silence and I just had that rage and that feeling after a set. And we talk about it in a podcast, me, Henry Phillips and Chris. Then Chris plays a clip in the podcast and there's totally laughter. And after that podcast, I realized I'm way crazier than I even realize I am.
Like I think I'm pretty aware.
Of how crazy I am, but I'm super fucking crazy. And I just can't even trust my own experience when I'm on stage because it's always worst case scenario.
In a way that I can't hear it, like I can't. It always feels like I need to recover, even.
Though I don't need to feel tonight, like like let's say like a perfect show, ten out of ten, how would you feel tonight was? Oh, it was great. It was great.
It was like above the line, you know what I mean, Like I doesn't win.
I felt happy.
Then song you actually you've made a prediction of that it would go wrong in a certain way and they would give you plight chuckles, and you had like a whole nightmare scenario. Yeah, and then you said we'll see how it measured up.
How did you feel.
That it measured up?
Yeah, better than I thought it was going to. Because actually that song rhythmically is really hard to play. Why because it's this it's a way of playing the guitar that's like it seems super simple, and it's actually like it goes like one two three one two.
It's this weird thing that's not standing and.
You're dancing, yes, an E minor and g was it? I couldn't tell, but like you were dancing between chords and it fell, Yes, they're coming.
On weird, it's very weird.
And then like it's easy to lose your place and I knew if I tripped up once then I would be like, why are you even doing this?
In the first it's like the national anthem. If I'm not mistaken, guys, go ahead, go ahead, and the star spangled banner saying yeah.
No, no, But I know when you say national anthem, I know what you're talking about.
Yeah, you're assuming because you're in this country.
It's far Yes, I adapt, by the way, and I, by the way, green card holder here, so oh yeah, permanent residence. Actually hold good, actually hold.
Above his head like John Cusack and say, any show my green.
Card just for fun? But is there anything more embarrassing pressure? I like, and I do feel like you know, when you're walking watching a hockey game and it's you know, Canada versus you know, like an American team versus lead, or Canada versus the United States Olympics or something, and you hear the national anthem, Okay, you feel a little bit of pride, But then when you hear the star spangled banner kick and you're like, oh, our national anthem doesn't even hold a candle.
Don't you guys have going to say the opposite?
No, not at all. I think you don't like I like okay, I like, oh no, I'm saying that I like Canada. But I'm saying when starts from the banner kicks in, it's got like rockets, Red Blair, jumping octaves, more opportunity for like experience. I don't know, I'm just it seems like a madness song for the Olympics song. I don't even know what the Olympics song is.
Oh yeah, that's right, it's.
The same thing. It's close. Yeah, yeah, it seems like what your whole star wars as well.
You've handled your green card to Karen, and as I saw it past, I noticed it was not at all green.
It's great it is.
It's green, like how many is green? Hardly it's not bright green.
You're always Jacky Khaki at best.
You thought there'd be little lepermon my Khaki car.
Well, yeah, tossed it by the way, well.
Akaki card holding permanent residence.
You know, it's funny now that I'm looking at it, it is quite green.
Did you win that in the lottery?
They have to shove it.
Down everyone's throat with Lady Liberty on there.
Everything, we went there and circled back around. Everyone held it did you say, late lady Liberty? Did you just say lady Liberty?
No, Chris did it?
Oh you said lady, I did say it.
I said, did you win it in the lottery?
No? I did not, because Lynn.
You know, I know so much about Canada, because Lynn and I were roommates.
Yes, Lyn Chalkcraft, and she is a Canadian who I met very early on when I moved here. And then she would tell me things like how the money is called the looney and the blooney, or she told me about chicken fries. We used to lay around and she would tell me Canadian stories and be like I got hit by a truck once and then I just went right into.
The emergency room. It was free. I was like, what tell it again? Had all kinds of Canadian stories.
Yeah, but and I know that story so well too, Like Lynn did get hit by a car once and had to go to the hospital, like she broke her legs, and like ages ago, I.
Think the car broke her legs. Me, the car broke her legs.
But go on, you mean like she didn't do it her show, he.
Didn't break her own legs.
Well, you don't know, were going.
Yeah, I'm gonna step going down.
Yeah, he is very accurate.
Take holes in story.
Aboriginal fun for comments right now.
You know what I know a little bit about history and the Aboriginals where the first Australians with stomach muscles.
A lot of the shows.
That's funny how a lot of it's was a thinker.
It's not just a Karen said, what is her? She switched it.
Ew that's really made to hear.
It's a sinker. It's a thinker and.
Good thing and then it makes you say.
Yeah, but yeah, no, Lynn has got some great Canadian stories for sure. But yeah, that's one of them. Is like up there, we do have this thing called uh uh.
It's pretty good.
Yeah.
I mean for I'm uninsurable because I had a heart thing when I but yeah, I got the Obamacare.
A month thing. Okay, so fifty bucks a month. You do have some healthcare whears before you were completely Here's what happened. I had.
I had there's a state that I lived in that had a Tennesse that I could be in Illinois.
So when I lived in Illinois, I had healthcare Illinois Tennessee. Yeah, because they.
Had a pool for people like me, and so when I moved here, I didn't Kitty Pool.
He moved here having the stars and in Illinois just get health insurance dog battle only here.
And so now I didn't have insurance for like two years, and I went to the hospital in day because I had twenty four thousand dollars bill.
Ye, no one's paying that, that's right, it's not gonna happen. But now if that were to happen, then thinking when learning had set so John can't even tell what I'm talking.
Thank god, Yeah, I'm talking.
It's so crazy whispering. You won't even know until socialized whispering.
It's all free.
Canada has a socialized whisper.
I don't think I happened.
Secrets all your life free secrets here.
I don't think I know. I'm gonna go ahead and admit, admit or admit that I don't know. I don't know Canada. I don't know Canada.
I don't think I do.
If you don't want, oh home man Native Land.
Which.
Free emergency rooms and buy a car.
Or not, will take you Blue Common and we'll take a look.
You have bing fries, maples upon them.
It's quired, it's night Hotey night, everybody turn on hot Night.
Isn't it funny that we went into an accent that doesn't exist?
Yeah, but it's close. What did you say a song? Commercials country commercials have Yeah, Tim Horton's commercials would have a theme You're always at home? Or is that it? It's you're always at home? Is that it? You're always at home? Is that they're always at home? I like, so that's how No, I think it's like you're always at home? Is that it? Hold on You're always at home? Is that it? Hold on You're always at home? That yeah, that's no, no, no, no, but genuinely, it's like you're
always at home? Is that it? You're always at home?
I like their old hold hold.
On You're always at home and Tim Horton's something like that.
Is that that is?
That?
Is it? Is that? It is that?
I like their old jingle that says Tim Hortons, you want cold sandwiches and kind of hot coffee, bland and ship.
Yeah yeah, yeah, well yeah, Tim Horans used to be a hockey player. You know that Mortons was a hockey player.
Hockey player, hockey player played, Oh possibly.
That was my Steve Coogan and right there. Oh God, have you guys watched Alpha Papa the Steve Coogan movie? Did you see it? Did you enjoy it?
I love everything?
Does me too? Yeah, it's a great move. Alpha Papa the Alan Partridge movie.
Oh really?
Do you know? They're making another one?
Now?
What's that?
They're making another one? Oh?
Like a sequel to that?
Yeah? Well, I don't know if it's gonna be. Yeah, I guess it would be a sequel. They're gonna make a second one. And they're also making more of the mid Morning Matter show that he did. They're making more of them. First, the radio show. No, oh, you may not have seen me in Morning Matters. It's the YouTube show sponsored by Foster's.
No I didn't see. I have to see it.
He's now on Norfolk Digital okay, or as Partridge would say, he always says North, you're listening to North. You're listening to Norfolk Digital North Norfolk Digital Radio anyway himself. But yeah, he did twelve or ten episode was total.
To see that.
What would I start with?
If all I know is to Michael came bid from the trip?
What would I need I could start with? To be honestly, I'd start later than earlier, I'd go to I'm Alan Partridge season one and season two, and then you can yeah if you like that, keep going.
Okay, Well, I like British.
I just got done with the thicke It. I watched all night like I love Brittish stuff.
He's the greatest. That character is so so good, brilliant.
The writing is so happy.
Yea makes me happier than the best.
Is when he walks in and he's singing, and is it this is Alan Partridge, which I can't remember which one.
Is, when he lives in the the motel.
Yeah, that's why I'm Alan Partridges.
That's I'm an. When he walks in singing Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights.
He's like, I want to do I needed to do whatever, And then the woman behind that counter goes.
Go Jason that he goes, yeah, my god. And then his assistant just tries so hard and he treats her like ship.
It's the best.
If you haven't seen I am it, that's im Alan Partridge.
I'm Alan Partrick. Yeah, season like Larry Sanders.
I mean it's.
To a point like he does a radio show. That's as close as it comes to.
But it's character is so huge.
It's like solely character driven. It's completely driven by like Steve Coogan's character Alan Partrick, which has been developed over years and years over different formats, and then this is his He did another show, Knowing Me.
Knowing You, Yes, which is also hilarious.
It's great. Yeah, but I like him operating in a real world as opposed to like that's you're watching a show, You're watching a TV show, and it's him on a stage being a talk show host the whole show, whereas this is like him walking through life in you know, Norfolk, where Norfolk whee from its Norfolk? Norfolk? It is Norfolk. They're not pronouncing it right.
It's funny that it might be three L's one of the reasons I never watched it and why I've kind of tapped out on this conversation.
Because you don't like it.
Okay, I don't.
Know anything about what you're talking about, don't kind I kind of don't know who Steve Coogan is.
That movie.
I think it's about it's New Order kind of well yeah, New Order.
Oh oh, I thought you said Order.
It's about their version of Hoarders, Yeah Order, yeah, yeah, the New Division, Joy Division transferring into being a New Order.
I got into that movie until they tried to tell me that the Happy Mondays were a great band.
Yeah, you can't really swallow that one this movie right now, that's not true.
It's the band that's what about stole all their equipment New Order. That's sarcastic laughter, Chris.
I don't know that they can be done pretty soon.
I want to go eat.
Yeah, let's be done now. I mean I have to dry a.
Should we have wrap up feelings?
Yeah? What should we do for the rapout? Should be some sort of like closure to this. You guys run your show? What the fuck happens? Oh man?
You took your front deal though. I made it my back dill. Though, yeah, I didn't pull up my shirt enough for people to see it. And honestly, I don't think that during your set people even knew that that came out, at least during the recording of this, because visually no one sees your fake front deck. Well, and then I made it my back back dick, and then I don't think that anyone would recognize that that it was actually a real back dick.
Are you saying.
If given the option of having two dicks now.
And I want to make this.
Point if you will in a second. But if people were just listening to that point, and that's that sentence you just explained, is enough to drive some crazy. If they were on the verge, I want to know what we were talking about, they would go crazy.
I'm just simply trying to make the argument that if I were given the gift of having two dicks, I would not, like a lot of people I know, have a dick on each hip and ignore mine, my god given I would have one up front, one in the center of my middle back because think of the scenarios A lot of people would have them, like six shooters, like oh.
Here's yeah, two girls back to back, ones uh aimed at your front, ones aimed at your back, and then you kind of go between them and then you have sex.
With I feel like that's the logical place.
Thank you, Karen Well. I understand people hip to hip, but those are dance Those are people that want to dance. Well, so you go, you hip rate and you got so imagine you have penises on both your hips and you're like two little.
Girls girls to.
A little but ladies.
Yeah, I know that when I say little girls.
A lot of people get up in arms, but I'm talking about two adult consenting except thirty year old tea ladies. And then so I want.
Because it's a decent age.
Yeah, that's right. I'm at the age worth thirty.
It's not gross.
Okay, So anyway, thank you for having me.
By the way, I enjoyed myself thoroughly the entire evening, and the show is great. It was fun.
Are you trying to change the subject.
I'm just telling you, thank you? Well, why can't it but not? Whold on is sa? Why can't a grown man stop things and say thank you? Why can't I be sincere for a moment? Why can't I be?
Just listen? John, I know you've most a number of Canadian shows. However, on this show, I am the home and I am the one who wraps it up. So when you go willy nilly to use your dumb Canadian language, I am the one that ends the shows.
I like suggest that we start doing Anyway podcast in this green room.
John, during other shows, I'm really glad that you were on the show too, and I'm about to wrap it up myself.
I'm also the host of the show What do I get to do?
Yeah, look, Karen do something and instead of you the host, Karen and I are going to wrap it up simultaneously.
Chris is wrapping it up right now.
I'm talking because we have to lock in.
That's right.
Just as an aside to you, right now, you know what, Karen and I are going to do it together.
Who as a side, Oh, I have a really good low voice.
You're peaking.
You're peaking.
I thought I was whispering.
Level she was.
She was banging it against her moving lips.
Did you peak? Did you take a look at the level.
I peaked it?
Okay?
Oh yeah, this is the perfect time.
Okay, Grey, Well, thank you for having me.
That's so loud peking you guys.
You've been listening to.
Do you need a ride? Alright? D y n A R Hong Kong? Look out?
Oh got the hospital is free?
Okay, good good.
I'm gonna go get some chicken fans.
Okay, morphine.
Maybe you should go to the hospital and take care of those chicken fans.
You always have to have a chick You always have time? Is that it? You always have time? Is that it?
That?
Was it?
I leaving?
You want to way back home.
Either way you want to be there, doesn't matter how much.
Baggage you clay.
Give us time and they turning on and gage. We want to send you off inside.
We want to welcome you back home.
Tell us all about it.
We scared or was it fine?
Now?
Porn?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do your need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need
With Karen and Chriss