Ep. 11 - Todd Glass

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gay a.

We want to send you off instat. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride?

With? Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? I'm Chris Fairbanks.

I'm Karen Kilgariff.

We are leaving the home a comedian Todd Glass, who's in the back seat. There? He is Todd? Can you confirm that? There we go?

I want people to know we're really in a car.

Yeah, we really are in a car. We usually prove it through a series of accidents that are inevitable. Todd, you have twenty foot tall hedges in front of your house, usually the kind you'd only see it at drug dealer's home. Is that what? What? What are you hiding behind those hedges?

I'm nothing?

But if that's how I was nothing, nothing, I moved I put big hedges up to when I was working on the home.

No one could tell that I was working on the in short shorts.

Yes they could.

I worked in a thong.

No, because you know, like if you don't have I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't think anybody listen, hold on, I want to tell you one thing.

Do you know where we're going?

Yeah, we're doing this.

By the way, let me say first of all, it's a great idea because I don't have to think.

Now go on to the show.

It's exactly right.

And I didn't even put my set together back at the house because I thought, oh, I can just do it in the car.

You're going to do it in front of us in the car.

Yeah, we'll think about it.

We'll talk through your decision.

Yeah, spitball your set list.

Do you ever have a joke and then you even for the best crowd in the world. It's just something I start. After many years in comedy, I realize and it's okay. It's probably what makes certain jokes great between you and your friends. By the way, I'm not telling you this, I'm asking, but I'm wondering if there is a joke that might just be for you and your friends.

It's too twisted, it's too like, where do you think fun?

I don't know. I think any time I have a joke that has to do with a large group of people, that because that's offensive. Oh look at that. That's why I don't trust Toyota Yaris's.

Because they're always pulling that ship.

Yeah, they're always juking out.

Now, Okay, so here's what. It's not even that big of a album overly setting it up. But like this afternoon, somebody said something and we all went, oh again with I should move back to Chicago story. And then I went, you know, there's certain things you can't do that with, Like if somebody had.

A kid that died, you can't go every time, oh again with my son.

It's like, oh no, you got to sort of hear that one happen.

But then I think, like if I tell that to an audience, like I, what does that mean? Privately I'm a bad person. No, privately, you have a twisted, demented sense of humor. People know what your heart is all about. But I worry about someone listening, like, you know, would they think it's as long it's.

On stage, you're not closing with your pediatric leukemia. Chunk would yeah, you just that wasn't even funny that I said that. No, no, no, I.

Would thinking about if I should edit. That's how paranoid I am. Oh I always think somebody with it anyway, what's up?

I think people like being on the inside.

Yeah, it's something you'd only say to your friends, but you staying on stage.

I think people like it's like now they're your friends.

Yeah, we're safely in a car where you're amongst friends.

I feel like I've had the benefit of, you know, hearing Howard Stone over the years.

I used to think that, oh, I want to be like Howard Sterne, Like he.

Says all these things, and he's and he says, you know what we all say off stage, you know. And by the way, it's not always hateful at all. It's sometimes it's some disdain he has towards someone. Sometimes he also with that you got an amazing amount of love and you know you knew, you know, like good things too. And but now over the years he talks about sometimes regretting that, like going to a party and seeing somebody and going, ah, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

So I like think I try to anywhere.

Yeah, throughout the day, I'll I'll just have a memory that comes to me and it might have been years prior where I said the wrong thing in it and it makes me, uh, just flinch. I have so many regrets things that have come out of my.

Mouth, comedy or just everything.

Yeah, usually something that wasn't funny.

This show that we're doing tonight has a great reputation.

Yes, the Hot Time show. Yes, it's really good.

It was when this show was first in Culver City.

I like when the creativeness of the room matches the creativeness of the show. They're trying to the people they're trying to get to perform and the show. Everybody says good things about. By the way, don't get jealous. But when they're revitalizing the neighborhood, look at the center thing.

Ah nice, just did it?

Those are brand new plants.

Yeah, I bet one day will be palm trees.

You could come dig some of those out and put them in your beautiful fun I used.

To steal shrubs when I was younger.

I knew that we'd get to that.

I know, is this something you're famous for?

Time?

Well amongst my friends and you know, you know the difference when like, here's the way I talk about this stuff, I wouldn't do it anymore. I get that it's wrong, but I don't think I have to pretend that I thought it was wrong. Then I didn't care. I didn't care. I wouldn't have. It's not I wouldn't back then. I wouldn't have stolen from a friend. But it's not like I have to go, yeah, I would do that too. I wouldn't do that. But yet when it was someone

Happened to my watch? And the pain and that it's still wrong.

I get it now.

But back then, like we lived on this we had we lived on two acres, but then it was in the midst of like forty So these people that owned all the acre has just sold the people that build our house two acres in the corner. So there's all this property, and like so I was constantly trying to like I could do a lot, you know, and I was into landscaping, and so we were going to this neighborhood I won't even well people know where it was. It was Chesterbrook and they would plant so many shrubs,

Over staggered it. Yeah, So I staggered the steeler.

And one day I remember me and my friend Dave I picked them up because we were gonna go steal shrubs, and he had a shovel.

I go, oh, we don't need shovels where we're going. These are freshly.

Oh wow, they just got playing it.

Yeah, they just got planned to just pop them up.

You know, it's still warm.

Yeah, so anyway that how do you uh?

And you just went on to some sh rubbery black market and resold them.

No, I would we'd plan them like around around my house.

Oh you just that was almost like like a Robin Hood thing.

Robin Hood if Robinhood was really selfish.

Yeah. Yeah, Robin Hood just wanted his yard to look nice and didn't care about poor people.

Or or like a friend of mine wants his parents. They you know, they knew like that.

I was pretty good at doing that, and they're like, hey, we need something done on our side, and I'm like yeah, for some reason, I would go, oh, I can get the shrubs really cheap, but I would like steal them too and then give them to then they could you.

Charge the parents little money?

No, No, I would were.

A robin Hood landscape.

In a way. Yeah, because I didn't charge.

Matter of fact, I didn't even charge him for my labor.

Wow, no one knew what I had it Like, I was like, oh, we'll bring a barco in, We'll get rid of all your old shrubs. And they didn't know because I was like at that time, maybe I just graduated high school.

So I was like, nineteen, What a nice boy, that Todd Glass. He's been out there for I don't know three. Hey, where's my watch? I swear I was wearing to watch a moment ago. It's weird that I could do it like that. It didn't bother me.

But I don't know.

It's just well, it is better. It is better to steal shrubs than watches. You admitted that you used to steal watches, right, No, I never stole was okay? I swear that you that was something you admitted to you think were you serious? Yeah? I thought you said you're stole watches For a while. You swear, I pink.

Look at me?

Look at do we have a safe word? Because I want to know if you really mean that? I really you know anyone vouched for them? Didn't he mention that he stole watch?

Just for what you did?

I think?

Okay, who still watches? First of all, I like that. I'm so indignant after I still probably still ten thousand dollars worth shrubs. Honestly, dare you pull this fit over? By the way, I don't be jealous of the new lows that just open up down here.

Oh wow, that is beautiful, the midtown lows.

Hey, how come all their shrubs are missing? Well? I like to call back the guy that calls back too early to things just happen while we're still talking about it. I called back to the last sentence.

Chester Brook. What if they have a class action suit?

Yeah?

What if there's no statutal limitiss against stealing shrubbery?

Yeah, that's the one thing that you could go to the prison for. Go to the prison for.

With you guys driving, I left my house without Oh I have my phone?

Your keys?

Uh? Oh? Uh? Oh? Where we can have to go back for a phone.

I don't have it?

Really? Yeah, should we turn around.

No, maybe that's a good thing. I thought I had it. I don't really need it.

I thought you did too when you put your stuff on the table.

Well, I don't think you'll need it, because we will take you to.

The show and we give you an iPhone five as a gift.

That's part of us. It's becoming a very expensive podcast because no one's paying for this. I just keep buying iPhones. Can I tell you?

Because you know it'll feel better if I talk about it. Sure, But we talked about this a little bit before we started the ride here. I used to make fun of people that got not make fun of them, not have a lot of compassion for people who got motion sickness. Sure, and I thought maybe they just wanted to sit up front. My friend lesam like, just sit up front. You don't have to make up this whole story.

I would call them drama, mean drama queens good a drama queen, drama mean drama queens motion sickness. Sure.

Sure, So in that little period that I just it's it's someone sort of explained what when you when you get nauseous, what it is you lose your equilibrium, which comes from not looking outside that little period where I just looked to my right and looked to my left and looked on the floor from my cell phone.

I got nauseous.

Really, uh huh.

And if I catch it right away, I can usually do reverse it very quickly, which I did.

And it's nice and cool in your car. So so I looked. I said, stop looking for it, and now I'm fine.

How are you on a boat? You do a lot of cruise ships.

I can't do boats. First of all, how dare you tell me.

I used to steal watches on the boat I just scrabled with multiple room as abalue.

Myfather went broke on that boat.

How do you think I bought the tickets to this boat and then open their trench coat full of watches? Did you really think I did a lot of cruise ships. No, No, it's you've never taken me so seriously in your life.

Well, because you know, he said making fun of me, that kind of mom.

That hits everybody for no reason. Just as we're trying to podcast.

Mom, hold on nauseous, look.

At the horizon. Oh I thought you were saying you were nauseous again.

No, no, not at all. Oh no, I'm trying to recap where I was at.

We went, uh naucha cruise ship, the cruise ships.

Yeah, so no, I didn't do a cruise ship.

Oh there was something about that where you said you did a lot of cruise Ships's not funny.

Whenever I have this happen, you think the audience knows.

Yeah, that's right, and it's driving them insane.

Yes, so what do we do do we? Just everybody? I think it's our first, our job to relax them. Yes, just don't be upset. We're going to find out where we're at. I know you know, and it's upsetting to you, but everything's going to be fine. And in one minute, if we're not nervous that you're going to get upset, we're going to find out.

Where we're at.

If we can just let it go, Yeah, let it go.

Don't try to overly think about it.

So, but we were talking about there's some reason he thought I did cruise ships because I was going.

To tell a story. Really, I think that that's I know you didn't think, Yeah you don't. I said it. There was something ships. Do you remember?

Was it going to be about writing your set list?

I already guessed that nauseous. Oh how do I do? God damn it, that would go far harder than I. It was. Doesn't know how strong he is. That's something I just learned waiting again.

You asked me.

We're talking about seasick. If I got seasick, and I and on cruises. You know, what are you doing a cruise when you get one time? Just going on a little boat from La to Catalina? Right, there was a there was like a group of junior high kids and one was.

A little maybe a little a little.

Heavy, and I think he might have got teased anyway, you know. And now he was vomiting off the side of the boat and he was probably fifteen, and I was vomiting off the side of the boat.

And everybody was making fun of them.

And it was like almost that's seven Tommy Boy, where she turns to those kids that are making fun of Chris Farley and I go.

Leave them alone.

And you think they they left him alone, and it was like he was he was like just done vomiting, but now just breathing and getting over it.

And he looked at me and he went, thanks, man, like you like you summoned, just I make him feel better.

I wasn't here.

Hey, I got sick on a boat to Catalina too. I was supposed to be fishing and I couldn't take it. So I know, I know that you can get sick on those a little. I just don't get sick on cruise.

Ships if you take the pills, you know.

Yeah, drama mean, well, they got a little patch for behind your ear. Does that work? Yeah? No, one notices it works great.

Nobody notices, Yeah, it's right behind your Well why are you why are you worried they'd notice?

Well, you know, it's what's that? Is he recovering from something? Is he a smoker? God forbid people?

Does he have melanoma that's been operated on recently?

Just a weird mold that he had removed, one of those gross ear mold.

My sister.

My sister and I used to get very curst growing up, and we lived in a town called Pedalomo, which was kind of near the coast.

So anytime it was we were incredibly rich.

But anytime we'd have people come visit, we would drive them out to Bedega Bay, and so the road on the way out there was super windy, so we'd always get sick in the back of the car.

And then when we got there, we were at.

A bay in a bay at like low tide, and then everyone'd be like, come in and let's see clam.

Chowder and lobster and stuff.

So I literally cannot eat seafood at all because of that.

Yeah, it's done, it's done. It smells like.

I had no idea. You grew up so wealthy.

Yeah, we were lobster.

We owned every everything I just named we owned?

Is that true? No? God, no, I'm doing that comedy on a cruise ship. That that there's And so are you, Karen Atlantic Ocean Comedy?

Fat?

Are you doing that?

Don No, but let me tell you something. Are you sure you're not? I felt like you were on the list.

I wish I was. Now the cruise ships, if you go on.

If you go on as a entertainer, you know, that's just the label.

I'm not, you know, acting like it's the leaders or anything, because you.

Get treated great. But sometimes you can go on. I did only one this way, and I will never do it again. You're still the entertainer, but they want you to like, go, oh, could you play bingo with the crowd Thursday afternoon and promote your show, and I was like, I don't really want to do that.

Why I think I was the best.

Because I don't because I just want.

To sleep all day.

Oh I sleep, but they want to do nothing all day. I get up actually fairly early compared to most people. But in a cruise ship, you want to.

Sleep in right, stay up late at night, go to the buffet.

I remember there was a there's a group of two girls and three guys in a band on the cruise.

They were probably same as our age, about twenty four to twenty five at the time, and they were just doing it for money, you know. They they had other dreams and the cruise ship paid good money. And and then they go they want.

Us to dress up. So we're like, what do they want you to wear?

Because they didn't like what they were wearing, and they go the cruise director wants to get us, like something nicer to wear.

And then the next day we go.

Out into the Thelito deck and they're all wearing khakis and blue blazers and they looks and the only thing that they said help them with seeing us there, knowing how much they hated it, They go, we didn't want to be the only ones that knew how much we hated and seeing the comedians like because I would go out with this guy Bo Burnham. We would just smoke pot and sit around the pool watching them play.

You know what his name Isn't Bo Burnham? Okay, but I know who, obviously know who. No, the is a nice guy.

Boy. Forgetting Bo's last name? Something Bo smissing?

Bomis I think forgetting it it doesn't matter, but I'm forgetting.

You don't want to say it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

I want you know I was protecting Beauburn in case his parents were listening.

You know, when did you go on a cruise?

That guy's probably twenty eight now, I'm probably not even twenty eight, very young and by the way, super nice guy.

Yeah he is. He has a super nice guy. Todd, you did something about a year ago that I always uh. I really, I'm not kidding when I say I wanted to do it because I've always wanted tattoos. You got one, your arm sleeved all in one sitting right.

I did you know?

I was the reason I was so positive that I wanted to do it and I didn't have to wonder was some sort of theme party that I went to and.

My girlfriend dragged me and.

They had like an arm sleeve, you know, like you could pull it on like a like almost like a nylon.

Stocking right right, how sleep?

So I had it on and I was like, and then I brought it with me, you know, they were giving him out at the party, and I brought it home and I put it on a few times, and I go, I never wanted a tattoo like on my arm or anything like that, even though I'm saying it's just not what I ever wanted, but an arm sleeve always looked really good to me. So I wore it a few times jokingly. And then I just was in

Oh you're kidding. You had it done live on the radio. I did because they stream it.

So they did mine on Thursday called tat Thursdays because they couldn't do anybody else but meat because it was so intensive, and they did this in one sitting.

Probably about four hours.

This guy was good and knew what he was doing and I'm gonna go back and finish it.

He just free handed that, right, he did, because he drew it on with a magic marker.

And then somebody always asked me what it means, and it really didn't. I went online.

Come on, I hate that question. You really it's a painting or drawing. What do you mean? What's it mean something? It looks good. It's an illustration.

Oh now I feel bad about what I've been starting to do.

Oh, give it meaning, give it me, you know what, it's cool if it has meaning, but you don't need to conjure it.

After the fact. There's a lie meeting. And then I started to give it meeting.

I uh.

My meeting.

I said, my dad was an architect, and when he died, we found a few designs in his drawer and my brother got one tattoo and I got the other.

And they're like, oh my god.

So that to tattoo was supposed to be a building. I know, it's pretty.

What I didn't say architect.

I don't say architect.

My dad was an artist.

Artist because it's it's tribal swirls tattoo being like, you know, like.

Good department.

Into the room with a bathroom on the side, and that's the closet.

Oh, look at the stairs.

I would get so jealous, you know, when you went to look at new homes and they had the pamphlet your parents, look, here's one good thing, and I will I will tell you the real way.

I gave it a meaning.

But like whenever your parents do anything, and I realize that now as an adult, Like sometimes I'll just go look at a house, new homes, I'm not really ready to buy one, Or I look at a car, I just want to look at it. But when you have kids, they think you are buying it, and they get excited, even when they're ten, they're like, oh, we're getting a new car, and then when you don't, they're bummed out.

My dad shouldn't. So many times I remember vividly sitting on little motorcycles for kids, like a lime green Yamaha, and he'd have me sit on it, and sometimes they'd start it up and then we'd leave.

Oh, and they're not doing it to be he was.

He just was exploring the idea. And then he'd he's like, now his mom had kill me. All right, we gotta go. I don't know that they you just don't know, but like, yeah, he was a great dad. He just never you shouldn't toy with the idea of a possible motorcycle.

You couldn't do.

That and envision your child on it without having to see them in person.

Right, that's insane, you know what.

I'm glad he never got me one. I'd be one of these gear heads.

You know, you'd be one of these dead people.

I'd be living in uh, you know, out in Pataloma. Hey, I'm sorry, I trying to think of another Temecula there you go, you know where the metal militias from. I'd have all these dumb tattoos on my arm. I keep saying the wrong thing my dad.

Every time we move further from the city, he would promise as many bikes or go carts, and we.

Never got them.

And I don't think he did it like I'll never get Really, he'd always all that, so many bikes will get go cards or dad further away. And now the real meaning that I gave my tattoo was I put some initials on it because I thought, you know some people that mean something.

Not only did one initial, but I put mister m R. For mister Rogers. Oh, that's great because I admire him.

And then I figured I'll put a few initials all over and then you don't really see them.

They're hitting in the right all kinds of things in those swirls. Yeah, that's a good idea.

I like that.

You're getting a KK in there. We've known each other a long time.

You know what, if you want, I will Okay, in fact, you know what to George Carr and that means the truth, I'm gonna do it because you're the first person that ask I means we'll make you that person.

Oh my god, I'm going to brag about that.

I'm not doing it for everybody that's it set off right there.

This this is a great lesson in asking for what you want.

Hey, let me ask you a question and I'll tell you why, because I want to avoid the joke the kk K.

What's your middle initials?

Can I go KL? No? You should like KL create the kl K.

There someone else with the.

Somebody I just go KK.

It'll be like is that the KKK? And god.

I'm doing KK. I mean it's those No, you're right, and that's shame on me.

You're trying to go It's really the message I'm trying to send you well.

Because it wasn't like I went, hey, do you mind if I put like, you know, be you or something?

Well?

And also it's your arm. You can kind of do whatever you want.

Yeah, but if I'm gonna do it, if I'm gonna put your initials on there, you got to go for it.

I'm going back in a month to work on it. That's why I know that I can really do that.

You shah, I like I want. I don't know what I want. I don't. You don't have to put my name on there. I'm not fishing for you to. It's already it's already been a stead I already got Okay, that's fine, you know.

But what were you going to say?

I'm just saying anything you put the lyrics you like, uh, you know, have fun or something. You could do all kinds of things. Just tide it in there.

Wait a second, I think my phone is here?

Up?

I bet it is.

I remember looking you know what we always think Usually when I'm doing this, it's while I'm talking on it.

I'm not looking down. I've had it in my hand walking around the hills.

Could you be sitting on it?

Okay?

No, No, don't look down for too long. Don't look down. We just clean up there. Going all right? Relax, maybe get relax? Wait?

Should we talk through your set?

I'm kind of excited about the fact that you don't have a plan set and.

Holding that microphone.

Do you want to give yourself a plug?

Oh?

Yeah, okay, he doesn't need to talk. Uh Todd came on board with a guy wearing a leather zipper, leather jacket and he doesn't need to talk. It's okay.

So my set I always write set at the top or.

Yeah, so you don't ax it down like growing to the grocery store and make it full of yourself. So what should I do to let let's read off your set list.

I don't have anything.

It's okay, it's just a white piece of paper.

What did I do with my keys? Oh?

I put them in the pillow?

You wait, Todd, you were on the show. I did it the improv a couple of weeks.

Ago, the improvisation and all that. Yes held for.

Trying to think of how you ended it.

I'm worried that, like, I don't want to do this. There's some jokes.

I will drop a joke out of my act. If I'm bored of it, I will. I will absolutely unless I need it for like your corporate.

Show or something.

But but there's some jokes that I love doing it. But I'm like, oh my god, I've been doing that for time goes on pretty quick.

Yeah, yeah, I've been doing that joke four years now.

But I think most of that set you were riffing because remember you were kind of yelling at the people that were sitting in the sun.

Oh god, it was so funny to pay it to be you know what, once you get use. I was at a club I won't mention the name because it really was a good club, but they need to train the audience.

It was out of town. The audience is a little better to be quiet.

And I'm going to say, on a scale from one to ten, let's say ten is the worst talking in the world, which never happens.

But that's just to create the scale.

Sure, they.

They were about a four.

But when you get use to shows like the Living Room Show or shows like you know, Power Violence. Yes, even though there's that show is there's definitely a craziness and a frenetic energy.

The crowd gets it. That doesn't mean they do that.

They just and when you and or at the meltdown where they're the they treat comedy like the opera.

Yeah, you set your standards high, justifiably, and it's not so so when I'm into crowd where they're talking a lot, I'm like, I don't, I don't, I can't take.

It right, Well, it's bullshit. It shouldn't. It shouldn't happen.

I want them to be like sitting there, you know, just really That's how I was when I went when I was sixteen. Yeah, me and my friends went if there was someone talking to this to us, not heckling, not even that loud. Like again, if the scale from one to ten, if they were like at a four, that means they'd shut up for ten minutes and then they talk for a little bit and then they'd shut up.

And me and my friends would go going crazy. At that age, seventeen years old, we'd be like, oh, last night, we got stuff next to these idiots. After every joke, they would tell a story that had nothing to do with the joke.

Like that was us seventeen years old, Like we got it. Yes.

Well, Also, it doesn't make sense to pay money to go see people talk and then talk yourself.

It just doesn't make sense.

I think people and nowadays young people are marek confident and they just think that it's okay that they have something to say, whereas when I was a kid, no one had any self esteem and they didn't feel like they had anything to say. And I think that was healthy.

Yeah it was a better time.

Yeah, it was a better time.

No, shut up, that's my pet, peeve.

I get lost with people, and I love you to death, Chris, but I'm gonna like.

Oh wait, that's the bit you're doing.

Well back then. I'm not defying that there's differences.

I know somebody that doesn't understand what I'm trying to say is they could take it out.

There's differences.

But whenever anybody goes to back then, like oh, customer service was better back then.

And it was good and bad always, but or people.

Don't take pride anymore. Yes they do.

Like so like if someone's telling a story about bad customer service, I'm into it, Like tell me the details and I'll be like, oh, that's the worst type when it's sort of okay but rides.

Under the radar. But the minute they go yeah, that's the problem with today.

Now, you me and you go to fifteen twenty places right now, and I bet in most of them the customer service is going to be awesome, with a friendly person behind the counter and a really person really eager to help you.

And it was.

There was always shitty service, and there's always good service. And I went to proof of it. I was at comedy clubs thirty years ago, telling you the same thing. There were people who would talk and some people that wouldn't. So you watch your fucking mouth.

And I knew it. I knew I was setting you up for that. I knew you. We've talked about that before. I remember that you You don't like it when someone says even if someone says candy bars used to be thirty five cents, you blow your lid.

Well, I don't.

He goes nuts about the price account.

The olden days were never better. But I'm not gonna go off.

I already said, and I'm gonna be very proud of myself that I'm going to keep this ride.

Although I will say one thing.

You know, when it comes to podcasting, what I love about it sometimes is that you can express your social views. You can interact as long as it's funnier than it's preach at least, that's my rule.

But in podcasts, yeah, that's your time. It's like talk radio.

Yeah, but I said that sometimes I get worried about repeating myself, and somebody wrote me an email and I loved it. They said, listen, the other side repeats what they say over and over again. That's how they got people to believe it. So if you need to repeat it over and over again every time, it's a little different. And guess what. The people that are fucking tired of hearing you say it, they were tired of hearing you say it the first time.

They never appreciated it.

So and the people that need to hear it because not everyone's saying it, they'll love hearing it again. So if it's annoying people, it annoyed him from day one. So overall that helps me. But on this car ride, I decided to keep it light and fun. You know, you can dabble into it, but I don't need to go up on any rants. I hope there's someone listening.

Gone, I'm proud of that. One knows when he's got his.

Opinions, but he can pull it back sometimes sometimes there's so many good.

Looking places that you know what to this day, whenever I see an amusement park, you know, when you see just a parking lot and they have a local the first wheel they bring in for the month share, there's a cotton.

Candy machine, a bunch of harnies around. I want to go, you do.

I want to go.

I want to like pull over and walk over and start and just just buy.

Whatever you can buy there, Like you know the one over there.

I thought I saw one. No, I think that was a bus stop. But I know what you're saying. I do know what you're saying.

I think that's the subway.

You're right, you're right. That song right there looks a little like it looks a little like this.

But on, don't go anywhere, don't go to it.

Does look I need to see this reveal people start.

Honking by the way, make sure you check out the Strand.

July thirteenth, Sundays at ten Where is this bus do? Yeah? A little flowerless see that?

Yeah, that's all those light the lighting.

Yeah, that was a that's the entrance to the subway. Train. But it looks a little like.

This subway and I always want to go into a subway.

I know what you're saying. Uh, I get really excited about a carnival passing through town. Something about at night, there's a feeling in the air. It's temporary, yeah.

And it's when it's dark it looks cooler.

You know.

Obviously during the day just see everything, but at night you just see the lights in.

The and they blast deaf leopard.

Yeah. And if you're riding the Rocco planes and you never know the next day, it might just be gone. It just might be back to a grass field. That's what I like about carnivals.

And you can score a lot of crystal meth there, yeah, yeah, or the best place to get it.

Or a deaf leopard mirror.

I never did any All my friends back then would smoke, and I would be the one. I didn't smoke or do anything until I was older, like you know, like maybe even like twenty three or four. But I never did all that. But they would get high and go to carnivals, and I thought I wish I did that.

I would if it weren't for the clowns. I don't want me higher bound to bound bound of bound geez okay. Well, every once in a while I get this form of consonant touretts. I get stuck on a b or a hard d. This is a a virgil. Here's a funny surprise about our podcast, because we don't really take you where we're gonna.

We he'p you like it to take you to a van.

Now we're turning around, we're taking it to the virgil. A little kid driven. Yeah, thinking like time was just suspended.

I wasn't like worried where the place was.

Yeah, you're in our hands.

It's not nice someone taking care of you for thirty minutes.

You know, people know me like, for lack of a better way to say it, I'm very like you know, maybe you say clean. I like things organized as clean as I am, and and everything I will eat what do you call that street food? Like in a heartbeat. Yeah, it's just so like I one time I eat corn on the cob in Mexico on the side of the road, and probably gravel had been you know, thrown up from the cars.

You didn't even buy it from a man. It was just corn that was laying there was your new Kay, look at that perfect good road corn.

I'm taking that corn.

From Yummy just a couple of pieces of gravel.

But I bet.

I mean, like the reason most of those places are there because it's so good that people will come back.

They're not they'd be in a business right if it was.

Yeah, they almost have to overcome more than your average, like.

You never got sick on it. So do you mind if we go into the virtual Yeah, it's very exciting. This venue is terrific. And uh yeah, that's a good taco truck. I've had those tacos.

I understand Kings if that's true that they used to eat and purge themselves.

Because it's so fun to eat.

Yes, eats Todd. Do you mind if we follow you in and then I'll record some of your second.

Your book you read?

You videoed?

Or do you just audio it?

Just audio, just portions, don't care, you can record the whole show. Terrific. Let's go inside, Let's go and side.

Thank you for the ride, and is there anything else anybody wants to say? I'm you're the host.

Oh we're not done yet. We're not done yet.

Yeah, we're gonna This isn't parking spot. I was just gonna let you guys go so you didn't have to walk so far.

No, we'll walk with you. Really well, the lazy part of me doesn't mind it.

Really, but then I jump out, well also because it's starting really sad.

Yeah, I don't want you to be late. Yeah, we want you on time, and I'll do my set in there. Okay, terrific. Yeah, yeah, we should all go.

In together because well I think he'll be all right.

Yeah, Okay, we're about to hear Todd Glass do. Uh. Yeah, I'm coming in. I'll come in just so you can apologize to me. It was me like three apologies. Okay, we're gonna listen to Todd Glass do stand up? Yeah yeah.

Sundsbury's stick do we just talk about it? Full ship?

Let me tell you something about sounds very stick. They sort of had something to do. I just some it's not enough that things.

When I was little, I always looked perplexed.

I've seen pictures now, I know, as an adult, me doing the gestures of me when I was like eight nine and ten or a little weird. But everything would picture me out with my head was the same size and everything was like this.

Every picture of.

Me is like this.

And I knew when I looked at the picture. I can remember what I was trying to figure out.

You know, if I look at pictures to this day, like it looks like this, it would be anything. I remember asking my neighbor once are you rich?

And they'd be like, why you have a circle driveway?

I give my little ten year old head. I thought, oh they're rich. Are you rich? Why did you paint your house orange? I just want to know?

And one time this leads to the Soundsbury's steak. Don't worry, Okay, I was at a restaurant. I ordered Salisbury's steak.

And by the way, I know, just like you know, I'm aware people know it sounds very staka. Is here your vault? Heard of it?

But you've never seen it on a menu anywhere, right, So I'm a little nervous, like am I doing? Like a sounds very steak, but out of.

The way.

Sounds very steak? But is that like you know really, but everyone's it's iconic. I think you know, it's like, oh, sounds very steak. It's bullshit. It is bullshit because they it's I remember ordering when I was little. I'm like, can I get to sounds very steak? My parents were like yeah. I'm like, are we rich now or something?

Because I don't.

There was a lot to order the steak and it came to the table and I turned to the waiter and I was like, that's just a hamburger, and you went, it's Soundsbury's steak.

I've been it's just a Hamberger. And then I asked my parents it's just a hamburger. And as an adult now I can look back with clarity.

And go I was fucking right, and all I needed was an adult that I considered it being a thart figure to go, that's all right.

I had to eat it.

I get it.

I got that even at that age. It's what I ordered.

I didn't want a new meal. I just wanted somebody it was a Thardi figure to go. It's basically just hamburg I know, sounds very steak. You can't just call at Salsbury's steak. I here's what I think happened. And by the way, I woke ten minutes on this patiently worded and some people are like, I really want to sink into the Salisbury state bit, but maybe it's almost over and I don't want to get my hope self.

Then it really bothers me. How did that ever get started?

Because whether you think, well Todd, Salisbury's Stak hasn't been around for a while, it was around, it did exist.

Who thought they could fool everybody?

We'll call it, I guarantee there's someone like we'll just call Himburger Salisbury State onch people are fucking.

Dumb, look fucking buy oh extancee. That's how they gone to the public.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're called state. That's the story they could have told. But no, you can't just go would you like some Salisbury lobster?

And what is that? It's mushed up crackers.

Oh that's more just mushed up crackers. Sometimes when I'm pulling in my neighborhood there's crow. I consider this sort of like a joke about bird Salisbury's steak.

It's sort of like bird jokes anyway, I just hoping someone's not paying attention, right.

But sometimes when I pull in my neighborhoodre's crows, which is definitely a sign of wealth. And they run out of the way and It didn't used to bother me. I didn't even think about it. But they're literally they will wabble out of the way. They like, you pull in the neighborhood and they're like, oh oh, like in the city, did you ever see them? And they're like and one more thing with they're always picking shit out

What are you like, Oh oh, there's.

Only another way.

Oh leaves this give me a minute. Oh oh lordly lord, have like a leaf. They wiped their head.

You know, you could teach a parrot to say help me, he fox me. But and I think that's funny commediately, But I'm gonna break it down even a little bit more. That's funny because you think, well, we're never gonna do that, But try to look at it from a different angle, because I think I can get more enjoyment out of

I did, but I didn't know if you could really teach a parrot to do it.

But I just said it. I'm like, it's just a what if. But then I was working on this thing and there was a dog trainer and I found out he trained birds and cats.

I'm like, let me answer your question, and I swear to you. I asked him this, could you teach a bird, like one of the parrots to cough? And I'll tell you how I time together in a second, could you teach.

A parrot to like go.

A move it's hat? And he goes absolutely. I'm like serious, He goes, yes, how do you get training him to do that? He goes, there's just we do believe me. So the perfew fox me.

Look over towards you. You know, if you if you have money to afford that, you don't have it. What the fuck are you living for you? That's not gonna just make your friends laugh. That's shut the fuck up on it.

That's like, what the fuck the reading? You got that bird and you did a test run at your house?

You know, I have parties every night, just to do that help me box me when you get to act it out.

A little bit. You could just like go like this, that's you turn in your friends like they didn't see that. So there's that. All right, Well answer your question. I want to be respectful of the light because I don't have a watch. Did that just that? That was the seven minute? All that is? Seven minutes? Did it seem like gay?

So everybody's made fun I sometimes comedically I understand that something might be funny, but also outside of that, I really do wonder this, like genuinely wonder this came on?

And obviously you know, we all know it's been made jokes about before that it's you know, it's a ship.

It's a ship, all But that's not my question. My question is, and I really do wonder from a business point of view.

Do they care?

Like, are they trying? What do they do? Is there a CEO of Camar? Of course, yeah there is there. Oh what the fuck does he do?

Right?

What is the CEO of Camar doing?

What?

At the big meetings every year?

Does he just go alright, dirtier and less customer service whatever?

I don't even know what to do anymore, we tried everything. No customer service.

Came on, like, I don't know what they're I really do wonder I could fix Kmart. I could go and be there and no money at all. Go just go to all the employees. Look, times, you're tough for lucking at jobs. Just let's to Basically, Target is a company that came along and said, what if we sold Camar basically sold, but we'll give a fuck. You think that light cost me a laugh? You could if had a little thing in my pocket whenever a joke didn't give a laugh, I wanted to.

I just do that like, okay again, Yeah, that's a profession all.

I got him back.

And I don't care. I'm not a loose can. I made him light up front joke. But everything's good. I'm worried about someone in the booth. I can't say. I don't know if they're watching my set laughing or.

Like this.

Kmart. Target is a company. I'll do the joke. You're getting Target.

You know inside some of the uh targets they put Starbucks And I just took that for granted, but then I realized there're two they're dunk in the room. There's two completely different companies, Uh, the sharing one roof, they probably had to have meetings and you know, what's your theory and customer service? What's your theory in the clean lives in the store? Because if that's true. By the way, I won the longest setup in the world for this joke.

There's serious.

I'm not even like I swear to God, there's a big seremony and why don't inside we should take kmarts and inside the kmarts put seven elevens and even have like a big who gets the fuck festival? How does how do they double us down? Not the care It wasn't until a year ago even thought about that.

I went, oh, yeah, you just go into kmart.

You never go Oh that was you know, I'm happy with eat when when when the service is even you know what that means. I'm happy with seven eleven if it's even, if what is even non existent service? So that's just how you might think.

Well, what's worse than that, it's being scared of the person orb.

Oh yeah that does happen too. So even as okay, they're just there, they take my money, they don't.

Look at me.

I don't care if they come with their eyes well, they get into change.

That's it.

But I don't want to be like I better not ask for fresh coffee. He seems annoyed.

I'm here.

I always think it would be funny to go into it came on and I would never do this. Some things you can sell as I did this. I didn't do this. But you go to a camar and you.

Would say you have that air freshman that smells like camphor balls and baby shit.

I'd imagine they don't know you go.

You don't.

How do you get into smell like that? Seriously, I'm just asking.

I'm not even a man a jerk. I like it.

Other people are complaining about it. I'm asking what all I was saying. I don't know why you're not all right? You guys are a lot of fun walk This is my last bid. Now here's the truth. I don't have how you doing, Chris Fairbanks, Ladies and gentlemen, there, I mentioned your name. I thought you were joking. He goes, you better mention my name. I'll go stand near the stage and star this next joke. We talked about this.

Go get me a box of cooking.

You don't around what comedians.

It's just like it's like being in high school.

It's like you don't want to leave, but yet.

Most of the.

Home because I don't kids, I won't stop eating.

Really, yeah, I have a definite food problem.

You just stayed though, right You had three talkers, but that's nothing. Now. I don't want you later to listen to this time and get mad at me. But i'd stopped recording you right after you said my name. I figured that was a good place to close it.

Of course you did, God forbid you wait till maybe I said Karen's name, which I did.

Oh, really, see, I I didn't know. I didn't know. I'd left the room already.

Followed up by shut up.

Anymore.

It doesn't it feel good?

I love it, like when a little kids say it to each other, they.

Go shut up up, shut up, stupid, stupid.

Hilarious, hilarious.

It was a little hot, but that audience was so speaking of hot.

God damn it. Right, okay, right now, who's on Mike too? Yeah? Sorry, technically I am not a cent. I don't know why. Oh, I don't explain things. Hi, Hi, Hi, Okay, we uh, we're gonna smoke a little Yeah, go ahead and smoke smoke him? If you got him to.

Maybe we'll smoke, order some tie food or something.

Are you as hungry? Yeah? No, here's the deal.

I'm going to ask you this, but only if you're one hundred percent comfortable to say, you know, you know what we have to get up earlier. Somebody, I wouldn't mind ordering some tie food to my house and smoking a little.

But I don't know what your night is like.

Well, I I have a flight for Philly in the morning.

Right, what time do you go? H?

Well, it's one pm. But I have calisthetics.

I have to do swim in the ocean at dawn.

No. No, I have an audition for a cat food commercial that I'm gonna get you really confidently I'm gonna get it?

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I'm gonna get it. I say your line. H oh, there's no lines. It's just me making loving faces at a cat that. Uh, you know, I'm gonna nail it. That's the that's the work of the future.

What kind of faces?

Comedy clubs? You know you can do comedy clubs and and think that that will leads somewhere. We are we are?

I want to make sure anything.

I'm just no, I mean you know I was going to mention something better not have pone tried to sell me coke.

No, I didn't want to say it on the podcast.

Do you know what is that where we're getting coke these days?

Sure everybody gets everybody knows that the coke Eddie's the coke is cocaine.

Gonna make up for the fact that I was but left it.

That's a little uhs right.

You know, I watched Eddie Peptone's I want to say I was privyly watching some of his hour special that they just shot that's gonna be on Netflix. Ah and halfway through I said, it's like a one man show.

It's like theater.

And then I stopped saying that. I went, it is theater, y, it is a one man show.

Meaning there you.

Think, well, what's the difference between that and comedy. Well, it's great fucking stand up comedy. You know what it's like if you went to see how do I say this? With that big a lot of one man shows, your theater might not make you laugh like a comedian like that punched the fucking wall right. Well, here you get to see something with that depth and sort of definitely a through line of somebody's the way they feel. So it's like a one man show. But punched the wall

It's not too much style, but it's it sounds like I'm his manager.

But where they do it?

But they did it in New York and Brooklyn and one night Todd Berry opened up for him, and the other night Colin Quinn did awesome and the crowd.

It looks great.

I give Steve fine Arts an a plus for making that thing look just.

Yeah, he's a great director.

He is. There's a guy named Steve fine Arts.

I know.

Yeah, he was standing right there by the car.

He's the one who did the Bitter Buddha, which I jokingly overplug all the time.

But I truly loved it and I want to you know it.

I was in it.

Oh you you you talked about And the only person that doesn't get an on screen name credit.

Because I got my final sucking.

Asshole robbed me of all my successes.

What did you ever do so wrong?

But I think Rich Hampson he's jealous of my dad's money.

Yeah, but also my back is to the camera.

The interesting thing it was me unless you knew my voice.

The funny thing about your money is every lobster you ever ate, you owned. Yes, that's right, I believe you.

You know why the first when you said all they were what the first it's hard?

Yeah, then we ate them.

It was a tradition.

Can you you know what?

I never say this that optimate you could click the air down one?

What is that great?

I'd love to wait, what were you going to say that? You thought?

Well, I thought when you said, like, you know, back when we were driving to the show, you said something about like you owned all that stuff, and I pictured your family owned like that. Maybe they're the fishing company that catches the lobster at the restaurant business.

They leased the nets from us.

You knew for sure it was going to be blue collars somehow. Even if we had money, we still used our hands for our work.

Right right, right, It's just what I'm like.

We don't own the boats. We own the equipment because we liked it. There's a reason the kill Garreff hands are callous to look like ginger root?

Is that me?

Sorry, I'm sorry, that's the way I act on stage when that turn it right?

Is that nineteen seventy two call literally because of the.

Off. Oh look at that, because John, that's a literal call. Why is John Hamm calling you? Oh hey, I'm.

About to get draper tonight.

Who's that disgusting? But that was a lot of thought.

I didn't I didn't know.

You didn't get I know now, yeah, look at that time.

Have you ever been to Tie Elvis in l A. Yes, you were the guy sings yep.

Well you might think this isn't nice that I do this, but I I think that it's okay because he doesn't know that I'm purposely doing.

Before you say it, let me turn down the racism on the there we go. It's no, I'm just I was kidding. I thought that that would get a big leaf.

Oh but I was confused my timing.

It's because of my timings off.

No, no, no, But did Tye Elvis say did that seem racist?

No? No, I just once a race comes up, I I I want to be shaked it. I haven't seen Tay Elvis, but I've heard of him.

Well he's really good and well he is what he is.

But the food is very good there and there's a stage and there's lighting and he does it to karaoke tracks, and I know after he's done singing, here's the part that I don't know why I get any joy in doing this. But he goes over to the bar and he wants to be left alone, like he wants you to feel like if it was sort of Elvis, like yeah, when he's at the bar, nobody bothers him, and he has jewelry all over and he has a big black tupe.

Always go away. When do you play again? And I just.

Because I dislike that he's aloof and I sort of may pretend that he is maybe like a big shot, like and you know what I mean, Like it's the old days. It's nineteen twenty and he's at the bar and I go over and he's.

Like, yeah, what do you want kids? I picture myself a kid in this bit.

I was young up my age, even in bits in the bar.

I don't know what the fuck I was just talking.

About this second. That's hilarious. It's a tie place. It's Tye Elvis.

The place is famous only because there's a time man that sings Elvis songs and then he's gonna act aloof at.

The bar up he says, sits there.

Yeah, it's it's almost charming.

But he just sits there with all his jewelry and they'll serve him food and he just eats it.

There's no backroom.

There's no backroom, so I go. I don't go over for long. I'll go for like thirty seconds. Hey, that was really good tonight. Or are you're gonna go up later tonight?

Oh?

I brought some friends to see you.

And I don't want to do the Elvis voice because he doesn't sound like that, but it's in that air.

He's like, oh, go over a little wall, mumbles.

Does he do it? He does?

Smells wonderful.

What what does he smell like?

Just clean?

He's the cleanest ty Elvis in America.

Yeah, that was a real fun hangout at the Virgil tonight at the Hot Tub show.

There's lots of good people there.

There was It's overwhelming.

It was. It was overwhelming. How good the people are.

Oh, Josh and Roski.

As if I'd mentioned his name, he said, would you say it thirty times between the three of you, So Joshin, Josski, Joshin, Joski, Josh and Josh, Josh, Joshin, Joski, Josh and dress just right, Justin Josh for.

Justin Joski, Justin.

I, Joson Joski, They're You're happy, Josh Show that was eighteen, Josh and Joski, Josh and Joski, joh Joski, Joshin, josh Ky, Joshin, joshsk Justin, josh Ki, Justin Jowski, Just go, Josh and joshs Ki, Josh and Josh, Josh and Joss.

What I was saying is like when he shows up and everybody shows up, I feel like in high school when I don't want to go and I don't have really a lot to do tonight, but I wanted to go home and just hang a little bit and chill out tonight.

Sure, but part of me goes, oh.

I just want to stay like whenever they start showing up, it's like infectious.

Yeah, yeah, I'm glad to hear you say that, because I like hanging around comedy.

Still.

Yeah, you too, like going to shows. I like watching shows.

I still laugh me too good for you? You know what?

Good when people say and by the way whenever anybody says anything a lot, there's a reason, and I've said this a lot that I like hanging around comedy.

I'm not. I'm not hiding it.

And the reason is is because I like to remind myself that I complain a lot, but when there's something great about the business, I also love to spend as much time relishing and the joy.

Of comedians are awesome and they're fun to hang out with.

I get the best. You're better conversationally.

They're serious, right, they're serious. They're sillier there. They can do everything you need them to do. Emotionally, they're gentle, they're kind, they're harsh, they're they're everything. A good comedian will give you everything you need and fulfill you. And that's why it's pure joy hanging around comedians.

Sup what your voice just started to get on my on my nerves. You could stop kicking my fucking seat. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. I wish there's some civilians we can hang out with. Just a guy that works at a bank that will smile and keep his mouth shut for a minute. Why can't I have one friend that works at a bank that just keeps his goddamn mouth shut.

Also, like when everyone stands like in an alley, Like when there's a bunch of comics in a circle in an alley, that's kind.

Of not you know what.

You can't comedians, especially if the if they're smokers, because they can't get them.

Well, here, let me.

Explain what I'm trying to say.

First, when when the Montreal Comedy Festival or any festivals trying to like, you know, like say good night to everyone, most of the times, when you shut the music off of the club, people start to leave. Then you turn the lights up, and then people will Eventually you get comedians. You can't get rid of you. We just have each other and we're happy with that. We're just talking and it's like a bunch of seventh graders hanging out together.

They will not go to bed.

Get riot police.

They're using, why do they like being around each other so much? Tear gass them. I just yeah, and then everyone once everyone's on their own, there's like this fetal position. Yeah, yeah, you just want to lay down. That's funny. It's a lonely business.

Not me, not me.

I get sad like everybody, But I'm overall in pretty good spirits.

People are listening, I forget.

Yeah, describing yourself as being in pretty good spirits is a very bad sign.

Yeah.

No, I mean I don't want I said I get sad like everyone else.

Mean, I don't want to. You don't want to paint yourself a superhero.

You're just saying, look, overall I'm pretty good.

Oho. Oh god, that fixed gear bikes. That's why I don't like him. Jesus, you gotta be that squirrely. We know you don't have breaks. All stop it? What does he doing?

That's why you need a in your car? All right, I'm.

Those people away, we get it.

Yeah, neat No, he's so mad.

He's like a shot around. He's like a shark. Don't be mad.

Oh no, he's so upset. What's why? Didn't do anything wrong? He wishes that.

Way for the people listening, because it's important to go did we miss something? Why?

With the by yeah busness of men? He was aggressively.

Usually it's the other way around in all and his cars are very rude the bicyclist, But in this case, it's a bicyclist going out of his way to get in the way of traffic.

So when they drove by the window, all you did was roll your window down.

He almost hit that.

He is a lunatic his bike lock.

He is a lunatic his bike in his hands. Oh yeah, yeah, he's ready to How come he didn't he rode right by.

He decided not to because we really oh, by the way, I got right to everything. So when when he was aggressive, so when we pulled up to the light of Chris, you rolled down your window like an inch, but you never really said anything. You just muttered like, we get it, we get it.

Well, he was being uh, I don't know if you if that's a thing with fixed gear bikes, if you get coked up and then ride him. But that guy was being very, very unpredicted. A yeah, I got a bike.

But I don't.

It's the lifestyle bicycling that I guess. I guess I feel the need to say something nondescript as they passed, But god, I didn't know he'd pull out as you lock. I'm so glad. I'm sorry that I put you in that position. Kareny could have showed.

You seem to know your way around a labor don't know.

We're now driving away from.

That that kid, but I think we'll probably.

I think it's safe now. He wasn't gonna throw his bike lock at us. I think he was gonna try and hit the car with it.

Yeah, yeah, but.

Then he almost hooked himself. He also green light or yeah, actually that's what you're supposed to do a green light. He almost blew through a red light and almost hooked himself on the side.

Of which is actually how he swerved in front of us to begin with. It was like, I think he's maybe he's just.

Really stressed out. Yeah yeah, in driving around.

Only because my driving I'm not I don't I don't get in a lot of accidents.

It's not that type of bed.

But I think I'm gonna end up killing somebody, oh in my car.

And I'll tell you.

Why we are recording and I get well, you know when you are.

Okay, let's say right here, we're.

In uh try to maybe this Okay, let's say we're driving down Western right now, right and we're at this and I'm gonna turn here and there's a bicyclist that's going straight. Yes, okay, I get it. It's my job when I make a right to look for bicyclists. But by the ways, people listening right now, and you guys might go, no, toad, you do that every time. Not only the problem that stop signs doing that on red lights? I get it, but that's something I forget. And once in a blue moon a bike has to jam on

Well, you know, because they don't always stop at stop signs, like they kind of are doing their own thing, playing by their own rules.

But whose fault would that be?

Like, okay, so you understand we're going down a street like this, I make a right.

Yeah he's gonna go straight, So he just goes straight.

But they have to.

I mean, I don't know, like legally whose fault it would be. But bicyclists, I think, are hyper aware of what cars might be doing.

I think it's like they have to be because he had the green light, so did I.

I was just making it right.

Yeah, but I think blinkers, that's why you got to use your blinker maybe, Oh yeah, I don't. Maybe go ahead, put.

Your arm out the window, and Jesus, what are we my arm?

Don't be afraid to wear some reflective here inside.

The car, you know, help out, Help out.

So the reason I thought that not because I don't.

I don't want to not drive, because I enjoyed driving and I'm I'm a decent driver. But I think if I can just get to the point where I had a full time driver, I can't say the rest of my life, I'm never gonna kill anybody, and I can't say that.

But you know what, it's a weird way I'm bringing it up.

You don't know, you're what if your driver passed out?

Okay, that wouldn't be me, though.

You didn't hear the entire thing. Jesus, he passes out, You come up.

Over the front from you roll you have the window rolled down between following.

You don't have the divide her up?

Ye you?

First of all, I gotta step you real quick. I wouldn't be in a limo. I would be in a town car or an suv. I would never be in a limit.

But you you wouldn't have a custom installed device so that you could do drugs or private.

Things in the driver I put even in the stake scenario, I like, I have to fix it.

I would not be doing drugs. I smoke pot and that's it.

If you don't want.

But I can already care and see that still wouldn't be my But.

You your hands come across the wheel. You have to grab it like speed.

Yes to to to watch a human life get hurt or whatever would be sad. But when it's not your fault, there's a different type of intensity to it.

And the next day isn't that always just funny.

Or at least the next week.

That's the last time I chime in turning off my mic.

It's that bad turning off. I never was on anyway, You want me to drive the rest of the way, Yes.

I'm gonna pretend to pass out and you grab the wheel.

You know where this is the fun escape Ever do you have a car, and any car you would get, now this is the car you have to drive every day, So it's not like because I can think of if I could, you know, have a second car, or two cars or three some third and you know, but four or five? Yeah, you know, like I like suv type cars, I might get an old scowled or an old you know, an old wagony.

I heard you liken town cars.

But can you it's the car you got to pull up to the improv. It's the car you gotta drive all the time. You know, you have a favorite. If money wasn't an object, do you know a car you would get?

Care and start with you? You know what I would do, which is kind of dumb.

I would really love to get the car my mom had when I was growing up, which was.

A vult like a four door silver.

Volvol that's not that's wonderful.

With a tan interior.

So it wasn't like silver. It was almost like goldish silver. And I've never seen another one.

You know what.

I think that's a good reason.

I think that's a really good choice because it's a unique, cool car. But it's not overwhelming, it's not it's not too assuming. It's like, you know, you're pulling up to the improv. You have some of your friends are doing better, some aren't. It's a but it's a cool car.

So he was there, he'd be impressed, right, But.

It's not like a Lamborghini or you know whatever I could, i'd be but I don't even like those cars anyway.

What about you, Chris?

I think that the car that I keep. And no one's going to be on board with this, but it's from my childhood. I always wanted to see one in mint condition, an AMC Eagle. It's a four wheel drive wagon car. So fine, Yeah, the AMC Eagle. They made the Pace or they AMC just like a krelin American motor cars, they made the Kremlin thank.

You in mint shape? Right brand?

Like where was that in a facility being being lotioned or whatever.

You're doing for fifty years?

Yeah, but with nice tires and like a ski rack. And that's me wanting to have, like a a car that I wanted in high school.

Yeah?

Wait, is that the kind of do they have fat pinstriping like the other AMC vehicles?

Oh? Yeah, that pha each damn that's right.

What about Utah, Yeah, it is yours.

It had to be driving it every day. But if it could be like you know, not good shape, but like sick mint shape. The wagon ears. I had a wagon ear and I put some money into it. But it wasn't like new engine newe. It was the they looked like they were a lot older than they were. But they made that old looking one till ninety one. But even it looked like it was from seven paneling, which the wood panel blue blue with tan interior and was navy navy dark blue.

Nice.

That would that would be the one?

Would you want the wood paneling with gas now though? Well this day? Oh, and i'd have.

It if money wasn't an object like that, And yeah, and I would have it put like a I would have like some sort of naked hybrid or something.

So I thought you were going to have a spray gas out the.

Back like that just because it's free, just because money sprays gas at the.

Back and dump gas cans as.

It gets a half a bottle gallop due to the spray at the back.

Wasting a lot of gas with this card, it's totally worth it.

Oh no, that's not wipe or fluid.

That's smoking.

I find that it really cleans the windshield.

No object.

I've seen some peaceful uh yeah, yeah, I always feel like this street is in no war zone.

Well it's because I think they recently repaved it. So it's a nice ride.

Yeah, it's nice and smouth. There's something to be said for a nice, smooth street.

Better than those streets we were on over in East LA.

Don't get me started, pop whole city? Am I right? Guys?

A question about l A Oh sure, okay, if you live.

You know, if you live in New York, like, there's something I forget about money, like even if you have you know, like again great, oh yeah, all my scenarios. I forget about money because even if if people say, you know, obviously easier to live in.

New York if you have money, it's easier to enjoy it. But you know, it's sort.

Of like where you picture someone go and walk home, they stop at a little grocery store, like they go to a bar at night. You think about that in New York, But doesn't it seem like in LA? And don't just agree with me if you think you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. It seems like when you drive around certain areas like Lebray and Santa Monica, they're putting up cool buildings and in cool apartment buildings and stuff.

It looks like it's starting to feel more like in.

New York, like where you could picture living there and walk into bars at night.

Like, why don't when I think of New York, I would want to live that way?

But you could live that way in LA. Just got me feel that way when I'm downtown La, because they're turning. It's gone from home like zombie people and flaming barrels to like people.

Why wouldn't you want to do it?

Like, let's say, if you would live like that in New York, why wouldn't you go, like, let's say someone near Hollywood Boulevard or something, and you could go to bars at night and walk and walk home stop and get a rito from a truck, and you know what I mean, like and live like that sort of city life.

I don't know what I get.

No, I get that in Venus. I live by the beach. No, God, don't get hard on yourself.

No, I'm a loser.

By here it is. You need to tell you why I don't kill you.

In La, it's usually just a strip, like I was just talking to somebody, But that strip on Franklin, that where the UCB is has tons of great stuff. Yeah, usually only get like a block or two of neighborhoody type useful stuff.

And in New York it's blocking.

It's everywhere. Yeah, it looks like LA.

In certain areas. Is that sort of starting to happen? I think that maybe when you drive around now, start noticing it. I know your listeners are.

Like, on the way there, he was great, don't want me.

And there's people that listen to your show that don't live in LA and right now they're like, come on, talk about our city.

No, people want to people want to hear about it. Chicago, you're doing great?

Great?

Oh God, where are we?

Was I missed? They wouldn't let me over. Oh their fight?

Whoa Jesus Christ, Jesus. That guy got knocked out. That's some bus stops Canary. Oh that was that guy got knocked out?

Was crazy?

Did you see that? Ye? See that? Okay, that was my violence?

Go fuck up?

Well I think that, uh that g I probably did something to make that other guy angry. We just saw someone get knocked unconscious at a bus stop, and then after, in almost a victorious way, he just grabbed his shirt and picked him back up off, Yeah, just to lift him up and slam him back down again. I don't well sorry, I mean, hey, we're talking about the city, dude, don't you feel like in New York some of the

Wow, by the way, a good smirt and did run over and put an end to it quickly.

Yeah that wow?

That was uh, that was weird. How I just want to pull over and get involved though, that's maybe that's something that's wrong with me, by the way. It sucks, But I don't I have a lot of anger in me. I don't want to get knocked out like that one guy did. But if I figure he already expended all that energy, he's tired now, and that's that's where I But I'm not going to slam him down. I just want to.

I'll tell you where to merge over up ahead.

I just I mean, getting like a cop or something.

How come he had to go home the ugliest way possible.

Your approaching I wanted everyone to see from how fragile human life is.

Oh shit, I forgot to turn on the cameras right here, right here.

Okay, see I'm using my blinker. If there's a biker, he's on his own.

Oh yeah, that that was twice we had a brush with violence and then we passed it full in full effect.

Yeah, that was.

I'm sorry, everyone in here is traumatized. That was that was. It was. Yeah, that that he's going to be okay. But he is going to be okay. But he was knocked out because his head hit the very hard, so it was it was kind of hard. Oh guy, is everyone depressed?

I'm in a great mood. I totally enjoyed doing your podcast.

I did. It was so much fun.

It was relaxing and I didn't have to worry about driving. I had a fun show. And I'm back home now, yeah, in front of my house, and I'm going to give you a grade on your driving.

And I'm totally serious. Okay, are you ready? Yeah? A plus? Holy because you was going to tailgate people.

Yeah, your your one car length.

You drive the right speed. There's a reason Karen drives. She's very good and very good at multitasking and having conversations. When I'm driving, I don't say anything, accept expletives because I'm worried that we're going to crash.

Yeah, he gets pretty stressed up.

Yeah, I get very stressed out. I didn't want you to say it.

Oh okay, we'll just mute.

Me, Todd. Let's go inside and I want to see your place. I would love to show thanks for doing our podcast.

And we're going to tell everyone to do it.

Do you have.

An absolutely, because it's like you go do your show.

Like I said, you don't have to. It's like you just don't have to.

Think of would you say it's a dream come true?

It is a dream. Where are you at next? This will era air? Oh?

I'm in Portland? When when will this drop?

Friday?

I'm going to be in Portland like the third week doing a book signing on Thursday at some bookstore in Portland.

Books and then I'll be the Todd.

Last Situation talk, Last Situation and then and then I'm going to be in Portland at Helium, one of the best.

Well, you're going there in Philly. I am going to Philly and I'm going to be the one in Portland. I almost did all strations for your book.

You did it for some reason, you know what? The reason I found out we didn't do it because it's a print.

Yeah, I get it. So yeah, yeah, like it's it's it's a way bigger deal to suddenly have illustrations printed in a book. I've run into this before.

I forgot you did that for me. That was actually very nice.

Yeah, I like those griwings. I'll give them to you. I have them, I'll I'll shelter you again, and we hand them to you in the privacy of your own living room and not.

Demand for.

Okay, thank you for doing it. Yeah, yeah, And that's been d y n a r by.

You want way back?

You do?

You want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you time and they turn and engage.

We want to send you us install, We want to welcome you back. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine.

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris