Ep. 109 - Karen, Chris, and Jordan Morris!

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style. Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgariff.

We are We're in the car. It feels great. How are you, Karen?

Chris? I'm good, feeling great in the car.

I'm not recording right now. I'm not on the ones and twos now, don't know what to do with myself.

It's kind of great.

We finally liberated Chris from the job of being a co host and the sound engineer, and we hired one mister Stephen Ray Morris from the per cast and see Jurassic Right, among many other things, My favorite Murder sound engineer, Stephen, How are you?

I'm doing great. I'm excited to be in the back of a in the back of your car to day.

Did you give yourself a Mike Stephen, I did not. You're on your guests.

On the guest mite.

I love it. Well, we better get to the guest then, christ no relation.

We have a guest today and his name is Jordan Morris.

Oh, I didn't even put that together.

Yeah, I know, I just did. Just now, Jordan, did you guys know you have the same last name we did?

And we're taking a DNA test back here, so hopefully by the end of the ride we'll have a fun reveal the.

Show brought to you by twenty three and me.

He's got to twenty three meat dot com slash ride.

You just have to wait three months to find out you're not Native American.

Sorry, you're not going to college.

I'm just gonna go ahead and keep telling people I am, though, because I think it makes me more interesting.

Hi, guys, it definitely does. Jordan. What is your tribe or nation?

Yeah?

Well, I mean I consider myself a citizen of the world.

Okay, so all tribes are my tribe, but my real one is no.

Foot Black Mood.

The Mohawk Black Mohakans. Yeah, we're a proud people. They were violent. Sure, yes, they won a lot of battles.

Oh sorry, excuse me, we just got handed a season to disorder. Really, yeah, we're not allowed to talk about this at all.

Okay, you know, for the best.

Honestly, I agree with whoever handed that day.

Right, you're right what I mean? Obviously, let's just backtrack and explain the joke a little bit.

But we were parodying was entitled white people who like to talk about how they're one eighth Native American because they feel it gives them some i don't know, like complaining complaining creditors.

And I was playing that character. That wasn't just me saying a dumb thing.

No, never, there's.

Always a character.

Yeah, this is the number one scripted show podcast on the on the.

Airways, tightly scripted. Who wrote the script?

Today? We go over and over these lines.

Yeah, I'm trying to think what was No, it's what we kicked out? What is new?

Yeah, dialogue, it's just like soap operas.

You just have to re memorize these pink pages on the lime pages and the golden rods.

That comment.

I just can't wait until I have an evil twin on the show soon then a romance with myself.

The reason I haven't been on the show in a while because I've been in a coma. Oh yeah, and I'm just awoke and it's a huge twist.

I'm a fan favorite.

Back to the Dead God, we were screaming when Jordan woke up.

It was we thought he was dying.

Yeah. Is there anything different that you know about yourself since you've been in a coma? Uh?

Yeah, I mean I just you know, I've had a lot of great coma dreams, a lot of coma stress dreams. I tell people I can play the drums and then we get on stage.

And I can't.

But you're also in a coma, but also in a coma.

Yeah, yeah, so I've just had five years of that dream.

God. Well, people talk a lot of negative things about comas, but if they if they're relaxing, I'll tell you that. Yeah.

I used to as a child, and I think I got it from the dramas we watched at night. Often pretend I'd like to put my arms outside of the blankets on my bed and.

Pretend I was in a comma and people were coming to cry and it isn't me.

Did anyone else are do that. I, as a young person, I would often pretend it was I had a dying scene and then.

Credits were rolling, yes, and people were crying. And I did that quite often alone. No, there was no audience, so we pretended I. I would hum the theme music at the end of the movie and uh, boy, just take a big piece of construction paper and write out all the credits. Yeah, And I'd slowly pan it down in front of a camera that didn't.

Exist here by de Leon.

Chris Fairbeks's wardrobe provided by Sex with Anue.

Yes of the Chris Fairbeks shows Stay It Omni Hotels.

Looks like a game show with guests. But I'd die at the end of each episode.

No, no animals were harmed in the making of this child's game, This child's borbid game.

This strange, strange game that no one knows how he learned.

I found out the hard way.

They just say that at the end of things, because I was on a movie and I saw.

A horse die. No, you did, Yeah, I did. Wild horse has bumped a trained horse into a post and it's stuck in him and it was bloody, and I saw it, and I'll be forever traumatized.

And then they let everyone out a different way so they wouldn't see it, covering him.

With a blanket. But it's like, I have a secret.

And then the director comes on the next day, He's like, hello, Yes, I'm I'm sorry, I'm on the phone with the horse hospital.

Okay, full recovery. Wow, that's a beer than ever.

All right, what who would have made buckets a fake blos part of the movie that the cast didn't know.

Freed him onto a strawberry farm where he gets to eat anything.

Also, okay, on with the movie. Well, if you say his life was better than it was in the first place, I guess I have to believe. Well, blessing in disguise. Then you are a doctor, doctor Johnson, doctor of animals.

A thumbs up, you say okay, no, and then now.

At the end of the movie it says no, no animals were harmed during the making this film.

I have a question, Yes, was the place where you witnessed a horse death the same movie where you got bitten by a scor.

Times scorpion days it was days later. I had so many lawsuits.

How how don't you tell any of those stories by saying when I was on the Cursed Cowboy film, because nothing good happen to you on that movie.

Nothing did. It was awful. And then at the end you got that golden globe, right is that the one you wan? Oh People's Choice.

Award MCAEY for Dallas Buyer's Club.

That was awesome. No, I got MTV's Best Kiss Award. Oh, and it was such a brave.

Performance Dead Horses.

I thought it was the only way to bring it back to life.

Horse Horse.

I kissed his wounds, big face in it. Oh, it didn't work, It really didn't work.

But then the movie transitioned into Equus and that was an amazing turn.

Yeah, and hot too. Yeahs fifty shades.

But you could see Chris Fairbanks fucking almost.

Everyone loves my gory horse, poor.

Beating the head Dead Horse'll do you one.

Better, hello, folks, And credits are still rolling.

Are still rolling, the longest death embers still have a few last breaths. Then the U two song kicks in, and then at the very end it says member fdic because that's what they say.

Shot in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, there was the the only there were actors in this movie and it was called American Outlaws and there were actors in it, and you could.

Tell they were all embarrassed that they were there. But they another thing they could get sued for is there was extras. I was just playing an extra and they had wild horses galloping through this fake town and they were just with a megaphone telling people when to dive out of the way, and they were diving too soon, diving to the ground. I'm sorry.

A gang of wild horses with just a couple trained horses leading the way.

But they had switchblades.

Trained horses were not union and they all had knives.

Oh yeah, and the horses gabs.

They said, if we promised, everything is under control, if you could just jump a second later. And I that's when I was like, this is ridiculous, it's dangerous. It's one hundred and twelve.

I'm going to hide in the air conditioned holding area, which there was like one.

Other person in there. And then as the horses came around the bend, that's when I saw the horse murder.

What's what does a scorpion bite feel like? Terrible?

At first I thought it was a b and the scorpion was just in the pants and I put on these old dusty pants. Sure, And it was the first thing in the day. We all got on this wagon of people.

Well, I mean, like everybody knows, before you put on dusty pants, you gotta do the scorpion shake. Chris, just give her three good WAPs. The little scorps are gonna fall out.

These These are instructions from my line dancing class. They really could have shaken shaken out the scorpions of those pants.

We wanted someone else to shake them out for you.

I wasn't gonna do it. I knew a scorpions. Yeah I don't, don't. I'm from I hadn't done that yet. I was twenty three. I will at some point to be on fuse. You'll see right now, show you all you were the day. Oh man, it really just hurt. I thought to be was stinging me.

And then I started laughing and while pretending to load a wagon in the blurry background, and it started to get so intense. It was one of the worst pains because it's unexpected, and it's hidden in your pants, and it was on my kneecap.

And is it like snakes where the little ones have more poison in them.

Yes, there was a little white one, and everyone's like, oh, those are the bad kind, which I thought means you're going to die.

But they don't kill you. I guess because I'm alive. I'm sure of it.

Actually, yeah, you can be sure I took something out of young Yeah, for sure.

Your love of westerns ill you Westerns.

Sorry, I just have to tell on myself.

I just suggested that that the little ones are more poison, as if I'm smart, when actually it's because I've heard this story.

Yes about eleven times, you know what, I am on the po and because I was about to say, they had to yell cut because my underwear was purple, and and I was like, oh I toldness before I am.

I just realized it.

I am. I'm so limited. I have fifty stories and that's why we can't podcast more frequently, because I ain't got nothing out here.

The scorpion delivers.

There's a different Rashamont style way to look at it every single time we tell it.

Well, here's a good way to see found a scorpion's point of view. Well, I I was in some pants on.

A baby, yeah mind you so, yeah, I he checked more poison than an adult of course.

Like a snake.

I've been hired to So I was also an ex got my sag voucher?

What about my rights as an extra scorpion?

The scorpion went on to win a Blockbuster Entertainment Award, right.

Yeah, yeah, I think so. He did a panning across the opening scene from My Sons of Anarchy. He was great. That whoops, sorry, that was a technical snapho and I overreacted. So the director of that movie also directed Flubber. Jordan, You're writing on a show called Flubber, right.

Trying to know that's well, yeah, we wanted to do a kind of a dark Flubber reboot for TV for a MC.

It's a you know, kind of.

A prestige thing, gritty Flubber, gritty Flubber.

It's still a green slime based.

Movie, right yeah, yeah, but like you know, it does some morally reprehensible things, but you still like it. Hell yeah, So that's kind of what we wanted to bring to Flubber is really the fifth character in our show New York City is the fourth character.

Flubber is the.

Fifth character, third character Sin.

Sin Yeah, and then our two leads are Wallace Sean and divine Miss Jame.

That would have been might maybe you might have punched that up.

So yeah, let's just just to recap the cast of our pretty flubber reboot, Dandy Newton, Sean Sin, the City of New York.

And you always take my lines and cut them out of the script.

He was about to say, and starring in her final.

And introducing and saying goodbye to Damn Damn Judy, damn duty. Uh see, this is scripted. This fun Yeah, sorry, Jordan, I meant to say bubble.

Oh yeah, no, that's okay, but they do those sound fun together if you say them close.

Tell us about bubble.

Well, sure, guys, I I do a It's just a little tough to get into because we were joking about this scripted podcast. So I'm gonna go into real stuff mode. Okay, this is actually a scripted.

Podcast, and this isn't scripted.

This is not scripted.

I mean it's I've talked about this on other podcasts, but or so I kind of have a little spiel.

In my head but used different nouns this time.

I will yeah, sure, yeah, I'll tell this from the Scorpions point of view.

There's a scripted podcast.

It was based on a TV pilot that I wrote that every TV person I met with said was too weird for television.

It's great, so yeah.

So we decided to make an eight episode podcast about it. It's it's kind of about a crazy, crazy sci fi city underneath a bubble where it's Yeah, it's kind of like a Portlandia.

S kind of hipster paradise.

But outside the bubble are these crazy monsters and the main characters have to use this kind of uber like app to kill them to make rent and rent.

Yeah, so it's almost like Sea Lap twenty twenty one.

Yeah, it is a lot like that, but instead of under the sea, it's above the water, and the.

Bubble has some sort of a mister Furlier or a landlord that charges the rent.

No, there should be one pretending to be gay to be shot on that too.

Where were you guys in the brainstorming phases?

You gotta call us early and I fucked up.

Nobody listened to this dumb thing.

There's no there's no mister Furley, there's no pretend gay guy.

Who are the actors?

Oh, check out this cast, guys. We got our Alison Becker from Parks and rec She's Gray terrific. Eliza Skinner, basically one of the best stand up comics.

She's Christella Alonso.

Who maybe maybe you know from her TV show on the ABC or as a voice in Cards three did show with her last night coming to me?

WHOA? You could have used this as a conversation starter.

Yes.

Keith Powell from thirty Rock, don't know, don't know him, That's okay, he sounds bad.

I hate him.

Mike Mitchell from the Doughboys podcast and Love on Netflix is also in it, and a cavalcadeive guest stars Judy Green Hell and hang John Hodgeman.

Nita go on, Anita go on, She's amazed.

To go on?

We got in her final role. She died in the recording boot I love.

A good by, so sadly she did not go on. Yeah, no, she's living. Yeah, we'll have to know.

You don't need to go on.

I like it.

How many episodes did you make it?

Eight episodes? The first the first couple should be out, as I'm going to ask that dumb podcast guest.

Question, when does this come out?

Oh?

Sure, at some point a couple episodes are out. You can get them. We can get them on. You can get them wherever you get your podcast. This will be on We we throw this up immediately. Yeah, so what is the what are the podcasts that goes?

What are the podcast guest questions? When does this come out? Can I swear on this? And have we started right?

And can we stop?

Can we start in that? And also do we have to keep podcasting? Yeah? I would love to keep podcasting with you guys for as possible. This is so much fun.

It's the best, right, Yeah, it is the best.

The only question I don't like during a podcast is when does this end? We've had a couple of people less. Yeah, it really hurts my feelings.

And then I lock the doors and I'm like it ends when I say it.

And you like, get on the freeway, you speed up and.

Out comes your wavy knife. Yo, we're going to Tampa.

We're going to the grape Sign, motherfucker.

I love hanging on the grape vine with you guys.

What's the We should definitely drive up to the grape timee sometimes.

What's the last good bad movie you've seen?

Jordan? Oh, last good bad movie? I've said? Were bad? Bad? Oh? Bad? Okay, Yeah, let's see Have I seen any good bads recently? Oh?

You know what I watched the other day that I was hoping would be fun good bad? It was actually what the fuck good bad was? What the fuck bad bad was? A Gamer? Have you guys heard of Gamer?

I've heard of it, but I know not of it.

It's got a little bad movie cult around it. This is a Gerard Butler joint?

Oh sure that guys? Yes?

Yeah, and he This is in a in a in a in a dystopian future where.

Yeah, boy, it's confusing.

Instead of video instead of video games, instead of controlling a character, you control someone who has a chip in their brain and you make them kill other.

Guys in real life, in real life.

I r L so a Gerard Butler is one of the like avatars, and this like punk kid controls him.

Is this is an old movie? Was it a Butler? No?

This is like a This is like a couple of years after three hundred and his star was not rising like perhaps he thought.

It would right to do this. He's remained a dormant star, much like.

He has a he's a nude fight scene with Terry Crews, which is kind of fun, yes, but other than that it is boy, it is, it is both is. It is alternately confusing and upsetting one of the two. Watching UFC, it's like either I'm confused or upset.

I'm never having fun. Maybe it's like you have Seymour if they were nude the whole time. Yeah, I mean maybe that's why are there all the way Dick's swinging fighting. No, there needs to be that would be great, that would help it. Yeah, it has a movie ever had that?

Well they did?

I mean, uh uh uh, what's that fucking Russian movie with Eastern promise?

Yeah, promises. That is Dick's out right.

It sticks out, Dick's out cammbo is It's time to fight in the sauna. But it's jes Goo Mortonsen's dick.

Yeah.

And they're very tasteful with it.

That's nice.

It's hard to mess up with his dick or anything involving.

Yeah, his Dick's good and everything.

He is the greatest.

You like you're a Vego.

Fan, Well, he's just here's the thing about him.

He was married to or went out with I can't remember for a long time to Exeine Trevenka.

Oh cool, which is the coolest thing. When I heard that.

It almost was like me hearing he likes me, I was just like, what the fuck that guy who has the perfect face and the Kirk Douglas chin and is an amazing actor and is like looks like a beautiful serfer. Yeah, yeah, he came over to the fucking goth girl punk side and got I mean, that's the.

D And I'm not one of these people, but some people out there might not know who she is. Who is she?

She's a lead the lead singer of the band X, the punk band. Oh yeah, yeah, audience.

That's really cool. That makes me like him too. Yeah.

I rewatched The Client of Western Civilization recently, nice blue ray side of that came.

Out, the first one or two.

I watched all three recently.

Oh cool and boy the X segment of that, it's a it's these are these are album I'll be the audience surrogate here. These are kind of little documentaries of Penelope Spears directed them about the music scenes. And the first one is kind of about eighties punk la and the X scene in that they are so young and

Oh yeah, wow, cool, he's such a bad ass.

And the woman that made that movie, what else did she made? Some other Wan's World? Oh of course, yeah, she's great. And the Little Rascals movie of course, great resume.

And also Decline Too, which is the like basically glam rock years on the like Sunset strip in La So it has like Poison and Aerosmith and all these bands, and that thing is the funniest, most insane fucking movie.

It's every frame of it is perfect. How did she end up directing Wayne's World?

Then?

I think because they just maybe they were like, we want someone to to bring some rock and roll credit to this movie about fake rock and roll guys, and.

She has good she should.

I think that those documentaries showed what amazing taste of like understanding the little moments that are hilarious of people as opposed to all because there's parts where like C. C.

De Ville is talking about like they're clearly.

On drugs and they're just talking they're trying to be philosophical, and then they just keep catching themselves and good and like laughing at themselves, and it's it's so delightful, Like clearly she got them to a place where they were so comfortable that they were just like being themselves.

Sorry. And I want to say the second one.

And the the an amazing thing about it is that it is both fun and fun, but it also is very clear about this is a very toxic sexist environment, and it like lets those guys hang themselves and like lets them at once be these kind of cool, funny rock and roll guys, but then also at one point, you know, at some point they'll show like, but these guys are also kind of awful sexists and this is a very anyway, So it walks this weird tight rope of being critical but also making.

It fun and funny. I don't know, it's a it's it's all.

You just kind of can't believe, Like there were those lingerie contests.

That rock show.

Yeah, right, and it would be like the oldest man.

I mean, this is like this is like baseline Donald Trump esque behavior.

Of like a really old man that used to own the the Roxy or whatever. Having a lingerie contest where.

He it's the winner, and it's just like these poor eighteen year old girls. There's one that I think she won in the Penelope Syrus Auster what she wants to do next?

And she he says actressing. I mean like it's like that level of.

Can't breathe wow, or she was really fancy, because that's actually that word is pretty.

That's what the us love get.

Yeah, I've been actressing for about twenty five quite some time. Yeah, oh that's great. I really need to see that.

It's good stuff.

I want to see it so bad and secretly I've grown to enjoy poison.

I hated them so much when I was young. Why is that? How does that happen?

I age into him?

I just don't get it. I aged into a radiohead recently. Ya. You've heard you say that.

Did you not like them before?

No?

I thought it was I thought it was pretentious noise for eggheads, some sugar.

But now I love it. You got it? You know what it is.

You've been hurt. You've been hurt maybe since.

You've been hurt by a robot.

You've been hurt by someone with a wandering Literally, I've always.

My mom introduced me to Radiohead. I always brag about that because it doesn't seem like but she had the Columbia Record Club where you lift the little stamps and mail it in. Yeah, and she got me such cool music that I didn't did that television album oh yeah, and Radiohead. She would order it knowing that I would like it. Yeah, And because she would just get jazz,

That's amazing, you know.

I tried to get my mom to buy the Beatles White Album when we were at Tuttle Drugs when I was ten years old, and she said yes at first, and then she looked.

She flipped it over and goes, we don't know what songs are on it.

I had to put it back because it was just it was just the White album.

There wasn't any song listening.

That's so funny.

So she's like, is baby, can you drive my car on that? Well, I don't want to get it.

Then it's funny that I remember my dad doing that. But it was the day I went to music Land and I bought Dirty dri which dirty rottenimbeciles, it's all about coffins and dying. Sure. And then the other.

Album I bought was George Michael Faith and that was the one he took issue.

With because I want your sex. But yeah, the other one is called Decrepit cattle Fuck or whatever. Oh, that's so fun I'll never forget that.

That George Michael music was dirt dirty at the time. It was so frank.

I mean, put your tiny hand in mine.

Come on, that's called pedophilia.

Yeah, that's not a father. That's not anyone that you should consider.

There was a boy at camp that I loved who was a skater and punk rock and he lived in San Francisco and Chris Johansson was his name, and he you know, I was like twelve and he was the I could I've never seen anyone cooler like I was like truly breathtaken by him.

And he had like dr patches on his jean.

Jacket and shit, yeah, and that band always like I loved them, but they scared me. I was just like, oh, this is these are these punk rockers and they'll stab you and you.

Know what I mean.

Like I had this whole idea of like what that meant the you know, the dr I seen or whatever.

I was very afraid of the Misfits in a similar way as a kid. I'm like, Oh, I like this, this is cool and fast. But then I'm like, oh boy, but it's about it's about sex with a grandma.

I don't know this.

What are we doing here?

I don't know that this is why am I attracted to this? What's the matter with me? They really mentioned Halloween a lot. It's not safe, right, It's funny afraid they should write a song about the harvest. Thought that

And pay for traveling no way.

Yeah, and he was like a young drummer.

So he just foot the bill for Felix or yeah.

Yeah.

But then they became a really well known Like you know when punk and thrash or metal were kind of joining together. I think it was called thrash metal?

Was it?

Jordan knocked me up on this. Yes, that wasn't even Jordan, right, Chris. He just turned into a radiohead robot.

What's your favorite radio head song so far?

Yes?

Oh, sure, I creep God, I love crep u blank.

And that's face girlfriend, I love knives out.

Sure. Yeah, there's one that's a math problem.

That I like.

Yeah, two plus one plus two Yeah. Well yeah, it's a great.

Song and you learn which is that's it's like schoolhouse rock the way.

They did it right, Yes, exactly, And now it's these beeps and boops.

But at the end you're like, now I know how a bill becomes alone just subliminally sank into my head.

I'm going to quit school.

The only way you can learn is to have it sung to you by a tiny scroll. Yeah that is animated, right, guys?

Do people like I like I like Burning the Witch a lot. Do people like the new stuff? Do Radiohead fans?

Hey, you're speaking to the choir? Yeah, I mean I was in a group of backup singers for Radiohead. Wow? Yeah?

Did you do all those haunting covers for the David Fincher films are great that it's very moving.

It adds. I think I like green plastic water and cannon. That's about it.

That's the one.

Just kidding, isn't it green plastic watering?

Can there's a green plastic trees. Guys.

I like Whitney Houston.

Yeah, she's great.

Do you like her new.

Yeah? A little more melodic.

It's a lot of creaking and moaning.

It is funny to think, do you did you guys watch the Whitney and Bobby Brown reality show when it was on?

No, Well, I.

Would recommend looking it up.

It was absolutely jaw droppingly incredible because they're both blatantly on drugs.

They're on crack yeah or crack is whack cracks report, they're freebasing fans, they're free.

They're probably freebasing, and there's a lot of mismanagement of things. But then there's there's also these breakthrough moments that are so amazing, like they've just been fighting with each other for like twenty years. They know each other so well, right, and it's just insanity, But it really is. Like they did a reality show that kind of captured her decline. Oh wow, that was on like ear one of those channels.

Yeah, I don't even know about it.

Yeah, I'd look it up.

If maybe that initial wave of reality shows actually had some weird reality in it because they weren't so manicured.

Yeah, maybe you could have some authentic moments.

Yeah, like Nicole Smith.

Oh yeah, sure, I know some people who swear by the Britney Spears Kevin Fetterline reality show.

Yes, because now there.

I had a friend that was like a producer on that Honey Booboo Child we Oh yeah, sure, whatever it was called, but they would feed lines to that that kid didn't come up with better red neckcognized or whatever. Yeah, my friend Chris would go up and wisp think of things and whisper it to her and she'd repeat it.

Hey, shimmy shammy molasses and it was like and then and that's all t shirts for the rest of everyone's life. And my tenth favorite radio.

Did you make up Shimmy sham.

I love it. Yeah, I did make that. I made that up.

You know.

It was something she said on the show, surprised while snapping her favorite.

You win the beauty content like.

Trying to heal his wounds in a backyard mud hole. Remember that one where they just were all in a mud pool. Oh, you guys didn't actually want I am going on a real thin knowledge. I made up the mud pool.

I don't know.

That's okay because Shimmy Shammy Molasses is also made up.

Worry about it? Oh god, that's a shirt.

I think I've only ever seen of that show because I don't want I don't want to see all of it, right, Yeah, that.

Is a very depressing premise. Yes, yeah, and it's almost like just it's mean spirited just to aim my camera at that the family. Yeah, it's like, wait, wait until you see what happens.

Is that still it's trends of like the strange backwoods family with a weird job.

Is that those shows still happen?

Right?

Seems like I think for a while that was bad, but now just the world is bad. So I think that took over.

Yeah, no one wants to watch a bunch of weirdos in the forest be weirdos because now it's there's it's just the news.

Sure, yeah, yeah, no, the news is Dug Dynasty for real. I did a show in Texas, a small town in Texas, and really I was the closed minded one because I thought because there were no sleeves and missing teeth that they were going to be dumbe. But they were really sweet people and they liked me, and I went out with this whole town. Like the mayor, thank you shut she puts her hand in front of me when there's a red light because she cares about me.

I would have flown right through the glass, I know. But that that we went out the mayor, I'm not getting.

The mayor on the place where we did the show. And then he also came out with us, and he, including five other man men had Duck Dynasty tattoos. What yeah, yeah, like just have a profile of a duck.

Maybe some of them were for the profile of John Collins anything, the host of concentration was over here.

They were just fans of a lot of things and had the tattoos to prove it. Yeah, but yeah, I never did watch. I don't want to watch that.

I actually have watched Duck Dynasty.

It's very addictive, like it's like the Kardashians where nothing's happening and you have no feelings and it it's almost like it makes this space for feeling absolutely nothing for half an hour, right, and then you're like, I need to do that again, and then you end up watching nine hours of it because you're like, it's just these people with beards pretending to live right and they have a ton of money, but they look for Oh my god, my brain can't like wrap itself around it because.

It goes back to the reason we're talking about it. It is fully scripted. You, oh, yeah, they are they? Then you say this, then you talk about this fake problem.

Can you do that? Yeah?

Sure, your whisn't do a duck hunting blind. They their hair is curled and they have high heels on, right, which is like this will never happen.

And then at the end you all learned to solsa dance. Yes exactly.

Yeah, No, I know there aren't like some you know, there are some like TV shows that I like, you know, have and want to watch. But then I'm like, how am I feeling today? Am I feeling depressed. Am I feeling bad? Like maybe I can't watch this right now? It might be Yeah, I totally get how it's nice to have just a nice, medium, feelingless show.

I guess that's me. That's I do that with Simpsons re runs now that they're app based. I definitely like, I can't have a feeling right now, time to turn on the Mister Plow episode. And a lot of people will judge me for but I do that with just because it's on Netflix and I watch Friends and I don't know why. It just puts me in a good mood. It's nothing there's It's a Joe heavy show and a lot of the jokes are good. And you can say what you want about current David Swimmers, but his he

I'm promoting Bubble and sh about Shwims, where we all just theorize as to what David Swimmer.

Might be A.

Yeah, he's just at home, just priding himself on the job he did. As Robert Kardashian.

Oh yeah, because.

He was he was he was great.

Yeah, yeah, he was great, and he knows it and probably acts.

I'm sure he throws that shit around the Starbucks that near his house, real dick to people.

I betty throws hot coffee on people at Starbucks because he seems like a real tool shehd. But back in the day, what a delightful shown just in the background. It's either that or David Shimmer. Yeah. I don't like him. Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him to his face. Okay, I didn't like the made for TV movie breast Men.

He wrote I shouldn't have written.

That, swim Doug Millionaire.

I am watching as my friends the days, a British series called Doc Martin Okay, that takes place on the Cornish countryside, seaside seaside town, fictional town of Port wind and the doctor is a real anal retentive, almost borderline on the spectrum perfectionist, and he's in this town of characters, and it takes place in this beautiful seaside real town where every day is bright blue, which you know, they had to shoot every episode a four day span in July,

That's like, that's like an entire storyline.

It's great.

It's Oh, it's all messy and stuff.

Think that it's called because I mean it's that's a skin right, No one talks about the skinhead doctors.

Yeah, threats the exes drawn on his head.

He will not drink. He gets mad at smoking. Yeah you know a doctor.

Yeah.

As a receptionist is Henry Rollins. Why does everyone when they come in the door.

I love when he has a cameo. Oh yeah, Rollins does a good cameo.

It need a discurred Okay.

What's your least favorite Rollins? Cambia? Would you say him doing stand up?

Yeah?

Thank you.

It's spoken words. That is a weird thing. The eighties punk guy is now a stand up comic.

That is a strange.

I think it's that thing when musicians, singers especially get famous and the fame begins to.

Recede, but they've really they've gone.

To a place that you kind of like, of course, you don't ever want to leave, and they don't stay there forever. So it always happens that they go to comedy and then they're like, I should do comedy.

I'm hilarious, and it's like.

No, you're the lead singer of a popular band, which means everyone laughs when you try to be funny.

Sure, right, and that doesn't mean you're.

Funny that they don't know that, and so they just kind of go and they it's that ego of writing on your fame and not letting yourself acknowledge that people will laugh.

You could fucking recite.

The alphabet and they will do what you want because they're crazy fans of your music, right.

I've seen it a lot. Yeah.

I always was giving comedy the credit of like of musicians liking it because they're like, oh, that's the ultimate art format, and it's like, no, I got addicted between songs making people laugh and I think.

It's easy, yes, And boy, oh boy, were they wrong.

I watched a video recently of like Jello Biafra doing something stand up comedy like, and I'm like, oh, this is interesting and and I'm like, I wonder what this is, like, Oh boy, it really drifted. And you know in Jellographer from the Dead, Kennedy's is the most like lefty, you know, burn it all down type guy. Yeah, with a hilarious Fred Schneider voice like.

This, Oh no, yeah, sure, smash the state, okay. And he was feared it.

Was recent he feered over into some like college kids or snowflakes stuff. He's like, that's why I can't speak on at universities anymore, because everyone's offended.

I'm like, oh, come on, now, you're a conservative now, oh yeah, it's weird now. I think I think he think.

I think he would say he's like a revolutionary or a radical left guy, but but he had that like rhetoric of like snowflakes can't handle it. Yeah, I'm just like, come on, man, like that. That makes it very hard to listen to you when that's your when you have that just such a shoulders.

I find like those the anarchist type who it made a ton of sense to be that anarchist personality in.

The eighties and nineties they knew exactly where they were.

But now they're like getting weirdly militarized on the internet, and they're actually they don't realize they're becoming men's rights activists or like right morgaters, Like they're they're getting pulled into these things of like take all this energy that you had towards smashing the state and start you figure out like this person's a college students are oppressing you because they have different opinions, or like all that ship

Okay, we're yeah, okay, we're pass Okay, Elephant in the car.

We just passed some guys in a public park having some sort of whip play where they were alert. They wow, a duffel bag of extra whibs. I don't know how many people are gonna show up. It's just two of them, but they wanted to make sure.

We have to meet under the power station. They were like directly underneath like a power.

Grids because it's a series of bars and they can whip and like hopefully it wraps around it and they can do it. Indiana Jones swing oh yeah, or yeah, or get electrocute.

Yeah yeah, oh that was actually a suicide pack that we just saw.

These guys are gonna We're both gonna whip the cord at the same time.

Light you whip around my neck. Wait first, star Master me whip the power station. They will both come and charge and moving into our bodies. Complicated in excess death. Yeah, sure, gonna come as we get electrocuted.

To death in the public a small public park.

The public autawa rot but it's not a trip man duo erotic.

We gotta do this, buddy, oh man.

We had fun with those two narves.

Having fun with a hobby, them being outside hobbies and ponytails.

Yeah, damn, goddamn cargo shore like we wrap this up by water, get hold to feed free stride word. It's almost for yes to watch me juggle he needs He.

Gets uncomfortable if I'm not juggling him.

For and then he molts early. Oh that's fun. Let's go do this to their faces. We immediately get whipped. Okay.

I actually was There's another park, I mean like in closer to North Hollywood, and I was walking around. There's a walking trail around it, and there was a guy in the center of the park that I.

Was kind of walking around who was doing two whips by himself.

It's super fucking loud and it's really weird, like when someone's doing that in public. A whip is a very threatening, dangerous, large like weapon.

Yeah, it's up there with a crossbow. It's just also an obscure, right, you know, it's a mace, like maybe you can run away from the crossbows a different situation.

Yeah, that's a little story.

That's a scary murkh.

Yes, someone with like a weapon that hearkens back to in their heads, but maybe a better time.

Scared.

I remember what men were men where you can hug it, hug any woman you wanted to just start whipping in public.

Fourteen hundred most conversations ended with a sharpened skit. Those were the days, were the days? Oh godis my dad talked to me more when I was a kid.

Guys, look at the Equis Film Festival.

Can we come?

We're driving by the Los Angeles Equestrian Center.

It's so gorgeous and yeah the Equis film No, I don't. I've never seen the play.

Equis, but I know that is the go to joke. It's the go to pull when you want to make a joke about horse fucking.

Yeah, right, you mentioned it earlier, I did, Yeah, came up.

We should call this podcast full circle. Yeah.

Equis is my scorpion in the Boots the story. You killed that one out every time I have no I don't care if it applies I say it.

I don't tell me about it. I don't know about Aquas.

It's about a troubled boy, sure, who is sexually attracted to horses.

You're talking about The Black Stallion.

I love that movie.

Yeah, it's one of my early movie watching memories.

My cousin, Stevie auditioned for The Black Stallion and was down to like the final three and he may.

He was just Stevie from Temecula, Paloma.

Sorry, I don't know why of the Norse.

All words that end with a are the same word to me. Sorry, Pataloma, I don't know you.

It's all right.

It's better that we don't know each other's comedy.

Yeah, and that we have a podcast where we don't look at each other. Eyes on the Road, Friendship the Road. Stevie was from Paloma, that's right. I know a horse period is a kid.

I never was interested in horse horses, horseplay around the pool I was.

If you're not running, So.

You're telling me you didn't grow up rich.

No, I grew up brick get out. I'm sorry, Yeah I didn't. I didn't. Never had a horse phase, but I did have a phase where I played with homemade blocks my dad made because you know, we were poor.

Yeah, I had a horse phase, but it was only because there was the one horse in the field who wouldn't let you ride her.

But she was just hanging out, kind of retired.

When you say the field, because I don't know exactly at that.

I never had a luma.

It's one big field, oh okay, with four horses in it. We lived next door to my aunt Jean, who had a farm and she had I think they had like fifty acres or something like that, and they had one horse named Lady that just wandered around all of those acres doing whatever the fuck she wanted, and all we wanted to do is ride her, and she was like, no.

Goddamn way. And that was my horse period.

I have you guys seen Martha Kelly's appearance on the show This Is Not Happening. I think it's called the storytelling thing. She tells the story of passing a horse in a field, and it was kind of recent, I think, and it's knowing Martha. It's such a Martha story.

She thought the horse was recognizing her, wanting to communicate, wanting to bear friends.

She climbed over the fence.

And the horse got aggressive and pinned her in this against a tree for hours and there was a standoff, and the people that owned the horse drove by and just saw her in the field against a tree and she just waved at them and they waved and drove off, and eventually she ran and got over the fence.

But this horse was like wanted to fight her, yeah, and did not want to be friends. And it made me laugh because she used to always pick up stray animals and stuff in basket. She picks up a coyote. It's a running thing.

It's so funny.

And yeah, horses are actually, I think, not as friendly as most people assume, the most young twelve year old girls assume they are.

No, they're big, veiny, toothy assholes.

And they're real like flinchy and sensitive and.

Fucking they're all tweakers.

Yeah, they're on something for sure.

I don't know why they're ripped getting all together, getting kicked by horses a fear of mine.

It seems like an awful way to die, like you would die slowly of internal teating.

It's my least favorite genre of viral video. What's your most favorite? Would you say?

Powerboat accidents?

I think Russian dash camp crash, that's my favorite.

I do like that they do Boy's skipping across the like.

Have you seen the one where it's it's these people going clearly going one hundred and twenty miles an hour in a powerboat and there they put it to the song turned down for what and it builds and builds them like going and there's a they have a dash camp, so it's showing the four people and they fucking hit something and the whole boat turns and they have it all on video and they all it's one of the craziest things you've ever seen.

You look at that, it sounds amazing. It's the best I've oh, I think I've seen it. They're all they they're kind of swaying and then all of a sudden, they really get whipped to the side and a guy like he broke his leg.

That's how I know that because we had that video on True TV, and they let us know of the injuries, and if there is a death, there usually just was nothing about it.

There's no death though, right.

I think that I accidentally watched people die several times for World's.

Dumbest and no, no no, But in that boat, no.

No no, they all lived to be a drunken on a boat.

The next year, they lived to go to Lake Havasu.

Again, good to fistfight and waste deep water over who's drank the last monster.

My favorite kind of thing in that genre is there is a there's a d called gallon smashing prank, and it is these little wieners, these little like fifteen year olds who all you know, who have like tight pants and hair in their face, and they go into grocery stores and they get two gallons of milk or you know, like orange drink, and they just walk for a little bit and then they smash them and pretend to slip in the milk. And it's just mindless and the fact that they call it a.

Prank, it's like there's no win to it. It's just destruction.

And they get hurt.

They get hurt, yes, and like people will, people are nice in the grocery store and come over to try to help them, and then they'll just like fall more.

And it is.

It is insanely funny and makes me want a quick comedy just because like, I will never do anything that good.

Right, It's like any like droll remark that I can write. Yeah, Gallon smashing prank is so funny, so much funnier than brand news. Yeah, they're coming up with an idea. Oh that's the best.

Nothing's better, not even just funny, but like in terms of just having an experience. Then watching Russian dashcam footage of a guy that's standing there and almost gets hit by a truck and then like leans back to miss a truck by two inches.

Yeah, like those ones. Have you seen? Those? Are like the guy that's standing on the side of the.

Freeway in a training and the car spins out and the guy goes like this and the car goes between.

I mean, there's something called Chai of TV, which is what fuel where we used to work should have turned into because it's just background.

You don't need f.

Yes, No, it's okay, I did some stuff. I'm fused, but it's it's it'll always be a category. It's like close calls and it's it is my favorite of those categories, next to piglets. I started following on Instagram. Pigs are awesome. And uh, let's just say I haven't eaten bacon for a week. It's just one week, one bacon, well every morning, let's just say it. No, I don't think I will. I really let these guys. They're smart grand pigs.

They're smart and they're cute, and they're I think maybe better than dogs, not that it's a contest, but uh, I have started eating dogs.

Well, they're better tasting than dogs.

I'll tell you that from certain barbecues.

Do you see do you see a tiny pot belly pig as a pet in your future?

Ye owns a lot of pigs. Everybody does he Yeah, he's a pig man.

He always has the.

Two things I know about clooney. Uh, there's a lot of pigs and then lots of pranks on set. Lots on set prank.

Yeah, a jokester.

You never know what you're gonna get. I really did. Did Have you heard the prank? Or he tells it on a talk show where he his friend something about his roommates can like in.

College he had his friend's cats sit for him.

Okay, do you want to tell us?

Yes, please, that's probably a story. We've told you.

What Well, what's weird is me and Georgia and Stephen just talked about this the other day. Okay, So, uh he asked his friend and I think it was Grant, the guy that's good friends with him, that's in a bunch of stuff. And do you know that guy's name. It's like Grant he Broth or something like that blog that's right, And uh so he said, can you cat sit for me? Then he says, the cat is constipated, can you just watch and make sure that it goes

Wow, that is a long game.

Yeah, and he and he The reason I love that story is when he was on Whip Show?

Was he on I can't remember if it was.

Conand er, but that the Megan Kelly program.

I think that it was a story that he wasn't planning. He legitimately wasn't planning on telling because he hesitantly started telling it. He's like, oh, all right, and it's a really funny story, and yes, it makes me like.

George Clooney, and he absolutely planned on telling that story.

They have to clear them, like days ahead. Oh really, no way, no way.

Let me love George Clooney.

Nothing's real, Chris don't love anything better?

Red recognized molasses to step.

Sassy's Massy mollasses?

What was he should be shaming mollasses? I think remember it's the best sense, it's the best sentence is non.

Seems like it's like those those flash comics where he would put on the metal boots so he would slow down.

It is Clooney telling the.

Story that forces you to imagine him right shitting in a cat box.

He's like, yeah, how handsome am I? Yeah? How what can I do?

I can squash the idea of me as the world's most handsome man?

Will this do?

It?

Probably won't.

There's no way.

I just line I mentioned having a letter box in my home and I'm too ugly for people to like me anymore. Yeah, Clooney can talk about handling it and then leaving a human deuce.

He can do what he wants.

There's pictures of him when he is like in his twenties with pigs. There's a picture He's always been a pig owner. Wow, look up Google Clooney, pick photos.

Some questionable stuff comes up that George Clooney because it's fanard an artistic license. That's George, their imagination. George Clooney is a animal. I can't think of the word. It does matter.

I'm down to hydro yeh is a he's a doctor Moreau type character. He's part that's.

Theologist or whatever. You know what I was. I I can't think of a word. I dropped the subject. Okay, but anyway, and I'm not gonna eat pigs anywhere you guys, okay, okay.

Well then I'm gonna eat twice the pigs still.

Eat fish chickens. Yeah, until you find a cute fish Instagram. Yeah, there is, there is.

There is a there's a bunch of like, aren't animals awesome? And it's pigs running to people. It's and then chickens running and hugging people.

It's like just happened once. Yeah, it's it's the hugging. They put their wings a guy holds down his hand, Yeah, and put the wigs around and then close their eyes and red. Wait till you see it. Not everything is a produced second, some spontaneit.

Chickens are Chickens are the worst. Cows are the worst. And sheep.

I would have killed them myself if I could have there. I had to take care of them. I had to run them, I defeed them and water them. They are the most ludicrous animal. And they have fucking lizard eyes.

Oh boy, I am here to tell you they I am not a big fan of their rectangular vertical pupils.

It's scary and weird.

Yeah.

Those are contact lenses some magician wears at a Halloween party.

Not an animal's damon eyes.

They're trying to freak you out, Michael Jackson's style, and it's not cool.

Did you ever have to take an animal down yourself? You're farming, take them down.

To shoot a rabbit? Lamb? No, no, no, but I did.

Ore.

We had a goat growing up.

And goat named you be and in our like he just used to stand on a little house in our field. In our backfields. They like to be high out that field. Yes, they liked to be on top of things. And a dog from the neighbor that was, you know, two miles away down there on their ranch. They were like a weird biker It was like a biker's enclave basically, and their dog, this German shepherd, snuck up their field into ours and attacked our goat, and so.

They got the dog off the goat, but then they had to shoot the dog because once dogs taste blood, they can't they have to shoot them.

And it was one of the most upsetting, saddest things because the little girl who lived in the fucking biker's enclave, whose dog it was, stood at the at the end of her fence watching as all these men in the neighborhood had to assemble and come over to our house with their rifles. And then my uncle Steve took the shot and killed the dog and everyone was standing there and she's.

Just stood at the fence and cried.

And then me and my sister stood in the house because my han's one letters outside watching her, and we were crying.

It was fucking awful. And that goat lived for like twenty five more years. Wow, the goat survived and was absolutely fun.

That's kind of a happy ending.

It's a horrible, horrible farm story. This is what happens to you as a farm child. Yeah, and uh, you never get over it.

Very bleak. Yeah, goats aren't supposed to win over dogs.

But I mean it's a it was a bad dog.

Well, they keep the can population under control, so they're for the environment.

You don't have to recycle if you got to them.

They love to eat cans.

They love a can.

These are the things I know about goats.

Guys, what do you think have we done it?

I think we podcast nailed podcast. I mean I started out slow. I'm talking about me personally. Yeah, let's critique ourselves.

We do you go, Chris give yourself a number, A letter grade.

Well, it's a three part series. I really started really weak. I peeked in the middle and right now I'm very I'm almost napping. Oh so I'm really it's just a perfect mountain.

What does that average out to? Grade?

Is it?

I'm real bad at this, Like even the where it's your pain on one through ten.

Like I never know what to say. Okay, but I think I if it is a one through ten, yeah, which it's not.

I said it was a grade, but go ahead.

I give myself about an eight, which or as you in your grade system.

It was about a B mind be minus. I agree with that, Jordan Jordan.

Yeah, I mean I think I you know, I think there's a lot of a lot.

To like about my performance on this podcast, you know.

I mean I feel a little bad about the just say a Jordan taught about the riff about you know, white people who say that they're Native American.

I just hope people didn't take that the wrong way, right right?

And my follow up, my follow up, yeah, you can get kind of god you when you're critical of things like that, maybe the critique doesn't come through and people think you're saying something that you aren't.

So I just, you know, I feel a little bit bad about that. I wish how would you give a grade to what would your grade be on? Bringing that subject back up?

Okay, plus remind you of people of something potentially upset remember.

Karen's dead dog story.

But you know, I think we I hopefully I we covered all our bases on that and.

Yeah, I mean I think I I was. I was pretty good at chatting.

I'm getting to be a better listener to where I feel like I don't have to jump in it every minute, which is something I'm working on.

It's a tough one. That's a tough one.

So yeah, I think solid B. I'm starting to understand why certain professors allowed you to give yourself a grade. This is very therapeutic, isn't it good?

You really want to be honest. I think you're both wrong.

You know.

I love jokes.

I would just like to say, Jordan that I would like you to fold into consideration. Sure saying shammy shammy molasses.

I think it kicked.

You up into the age category. It was the biggest laugh of the show.

I have to Yeah, I have to say, that's what I was thinking of the whole time too.

Yeah. Anyway, it was a moment of joy.

Thank you. It's nice of you to say.

He really slammed a lot coming from you two, who are two of the funniest people there are.

Thank you. Well, then I get an A plus.

Yeah, I wish i'd heard that. Can I get myself a day too?

Anyway?

So I win, and and I don't know.

You lose, And because I said that I.

Lose, I'm gonna go ahead and end this rap it. You've been listening to Jay's garage? Do you need a ride? I've been thinking about I saw Jay Leno last night.

Okay, you did comedy magic show.

J Andritella Alonzo. That's a hell of a show.

Are you the headline to read the middle up?

Any details for next time? I've been listening to you need to ride? Dey n a?

Are are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and a Turnino and Gabe.

We want to send you off InStyle. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Cress

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