Ep. 108 - Chris and European Karen

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a termino and gay.

We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it?

We scared?

Or was it fine?

Melbourn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. We're at the all. Just that give me a little more voice to.

European.

There we go.

I'm from Europe. I just got here from Europe.

Yes, I that's it's so funny. Yesterday I I didn't know where you were coming from. I should have realized it probably wasn't Idaho.

I would appreciate that you would keep up with my touring schedule on the internet.

But whatever, that's fine.

Well you you texted me from the future because it was already whatever, like eight or nine in the morning in Where were you in Denmark? Yes, that's and so I got it at midnight. But here's the catches. My phone was dead, and sometimes when I power it up, that's when a bunch of texts come in. So I wasn't sure because you said, well, you pick me up tonight, and it's like, well.

Oh, I knew, just I'm sorry.

I knew that the even with that, though, I didn't know when this text came in. So and then additionally, I looked at the flights because very responsible, I was pretty proud of my eyes on a stakeout. I was eating a ho I was looking at the and and a bunch of flights were coming direct from Denmark last night, and so I really thought and none tonight. And then I thought, well, maybe she's coming from London. But I knew the minute I drove back home you'd land and go hey, I was just stuck in customs.

Wait, so I texted, did you actually drive over here last night?

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay. No, I I it was me being dumb, because I even once I found out, well I did find out once I was but Joe, Joe Schwartz sent me all your info immediately. Oh yeah, yeah, he's the best.

He's the best.

I've known him forever. I kind of I mean, as long as I didn't start existing until I moved to Los Angeles.

Till you met Joe Schwartz.

Really do you why do you do you think that because of the recent political climate, people are getting mad at their parents, quitting their bank or low out lawyer jobs and moving here to become creative. And they're all arriving right now.

Yes, it's Tonight's the night they decided to come.

I've never seen anybody put anything in reverse at the airport. This person just did.

I've never seen a car in reverse towards me.

It is all. I couldn't even believe it was happening. I diverted my eyes, I averted them.

Well, I appreciate. I'm so sorry. Major drive over here. I didn't think we're we've been.

I think I've been on the Yeah, I've been gone since May fifth and so in that time.

Wow, that's a long that's the longest you've been on the road, right, you know?

It's like two full weeks.

That's so. And shows every night.

Shows pretty much every night.

We had a day off in one place, and then we had a day off in Amsterdam.

I can't remember.

You just smoked hash blocks.

We actually did smoke a tiny bit of pot. I think we were all so scared to get too high.

That we would bump ourselves out.

That that's my fear.

We bought the tiniest touch of pot and then we were all just taking these baby hits and sitting there staring at each other.

And oh, Vince, Oh it's funny because I sent him a message, do you know never mind?

Did you really?

Yeah? On Facebook? We aren't pals. But I was like, sorry, no, no, I got to the bottom of it, and I felt a sense of accomplishment. Sorry, So you smoked a little bit of weed in one of those cafes, is it? Yes? Called a hash bar? No?

No, they're called coffee bars.

Oh, and so we call them.

I know, but they're but ours. We have coffee in them.

Yes, Over there, they don't give that much of a shit about coffee, well, at least in the countries I was in.

Because I didn't. I started drinking tea in the you.

Know how much I drink coffee, and I had to switch over because every time I got a cup of coffee there was something oddly like empty about it.

Oh, have you become a tea totaler?

I might I might be fully British now, but so in the last Vince I think did and I'm not gonna be able to get this right. But it was something like we've taken like eight flights in the past or more than that.

It has more.

There's some crazy number of flights that we've taken in all this time. I have to say to.

Anybody who's scared to fly or travel, just for someone who lately have been doing it so much, yeah, do you don't have to be like just as someone who's like if you're everyone, once a year you fly home and you get really nervous enough to take a bunch of pills, you don't have to be nothing.

Ever fucking happened right, right, nothing ever happens.

And as someone that has flown many, many times, at least a couple of times a month, yes, it's I've never even felt like something almost happened, right, but all nonchalantly go across of streets like where there is no crosswalk. Sorry, you know how, I can't finish the saying. That's when people are.

When every car is trying to aim towards.

You, and it's much more realistic that you're just gonna die from a you know, a wayward fish hook.

Right, Wait, do you want me to tell you about the wayward fish hook story that I actually have.

It's pretty awful.

Uh yeah, well I don't even know why I said that.

Because you wanted me to tell the story.

My cousin Stevie has a friend who went fishing up in like the you know, out back of Canada, sure, and the fly fishing. And there's he's standing on a boat and it's just him and I think his brother and he fucking goes to cast his line and the fucking fish hook gets caught on his eyelid. Oh, and they're out in the middle of nowhere.

That's no, that's something that's something I dreamed up, like my razor blade water slide. Oh yeah, it's just a thing of razor blades. I used to think about it all the time.

And then you land in a bleach.

Pool to be summertime refreshing at least.

I wonder if that's the thing kids used to say to each other, like thinking of the worst thing you can think of, Like, what's the worst idea? And then everyone has to say it because I think fish hook in the eyelid and razor blades.

Fish hook in the eyelid is horrible.

It's and you there's no medical attention. I think he had to leave it there until they got into town.

Yeah, because you can't there's a barb oh yeah, god.

And he didn't cut the line. He didn't, you know, he.

Just took the kidding you know what, drug it in there, jogged in there, put it in a wheelbarrel.

He's like, how quickly can we get me back out on that lake?

I just have fish in fever. And the only cure is to get this hook out of my damn eye. That's the reason. Now, like fishing, it's not the lives of fish. No, I pretended it was this whole time. It's dealing with the hook.

Yes, very sharp killing, small killing, ancient killing.

And I've talked about catching a bird fishing on here right. I was on a boat and I cast there was bait fishing like live sardines, and I cast off the boat and a bird swept down and swallowed my bait in mid air. And then I was flying a bird like a kite, railing him in and he was flying everywhere. Yeah, it was just but awful because I was thinking of the hook and his little throat.

Yes, it's a terrible trick on.

It was the worst thing I could have ever done to that Barret.

But you could have started a show called bird Pranks and really made a killing.

Yeah, I'd be up there with the guy that started bum fight.

You'd be in the same class of human. I wonder if we've ate.

You've told me the story before in the air, and then b when telling me the story, we did the same exact rip, because because I feel like in these days I'm podcasting so much, I must be repeating myself like four in fact.

Well you know I already was when I would podcast like once a month. Sure it's okay. My dad used to tell the same story all the time and lean over to my sister and go, oh, it sounds like number fifty seven is in the chamber. But we still wanted to hear it. Yes, that's right, because he told it or changed it or well and also added to lies.

Yeah, you and bellis over the years, you have to jug it up. But also I told you, I just you gotta go boar it up. You gotta goodbore that thing. You got to slap a cop it up, as I was coming upstairs, well like while we were and I go, guess what I'm gonna do right now?

Podcasting?

And she was like, oh no, and I said no, I really one of the main reasons is very selfish and I didn't put it together. That was fucking Friday night at LAX. I apologize and to any of our listeners who know and who listen, this is the worst time you could ever be at LAX, the bad airport anyway, Friday night is yeah.

This is like, yeah, this is like the Rolling Stones reunion concert of LA and X nights.

Sorry, it's very much like leaving a concert. You don't move and people are like threatening you with their car.

Yeah, except we aren't on the heels of having done something fun.

No, I've you know what, I'm on the heels of ten hours at a fucking airplane. No, sorry, twelve because we had to take we had to take a flight from Glasgow to Heathrow and then Heathrow to LAX.

Glasgow, Glasgow.

We had a show.

Well technically, I guess, and I'm so sorry.

It's okay, it I should have. I looked at it and it's like, wait, it was eight hours into the future. There By the way, I don't know how that isn't time travel. If someone could explain to me you called me from Thursday and I was sitting there Wednesday night thinking tomorrow night's Thursday night to you, it was, of course Friday night, day night. That is some Michael J. Foxy and Flux capacitating.

Classic time travel.

Christopher. I'm not doing Christopher nor in a silver cowboy outfit and some unexplainable doggles three. Yeah, is a cowboy.

You're going to a bad one.

Biff is now your friend. He's not a bully. Uh wait, Leah is still your mom, but she's got the hots for you.

You're back at the first one, Leah Thompson with that old age makeup.

But then the really big boobs. Remember when he goes to Las Vegas.

Yeah, they why did they give her boobs? And Howard the dock. I was like, Oh, she's like a normal Yeah she is.

And I think in that one it was she's one of the normies. She's a normy, she's like normcore Carolina City.

She was. She was Caroline kind of in the suburbs.

But then when they go when they go to Las Vegas, I think she was supposed to have gotten crust implants, which at the time was like can you believe brest implants, which is now like required.

But I think that was supposed to be the idea that she.

Had married Biff, they lived in Las Vegas, and she'd become this kind of old slut.

Which one is there? There is a that's part two? Oh? Which one is the Western three?

Okay from what I remember, Yeah, and I just.

Traveled, you know what. The other ones didn't steal my heart like the original, you know, with the twin Pine Mall, I thought it was so smart that he ran into a tree, and then I was like, wait, that's how it became the lone Pine Mall. I thought that was the smartest. That there's so many little things where they aren't that hard to get, but they were very very you know, you felt great when you'd caught him.

That's you know Billy Wilder, who's a great famous screenwriter. He he has like seven rules for screenwriting or something, and one of them is give the audience the benefit of the doubt.

They'll love you for it.

And that's the perfect example of like totally you know that there are network people that are movie studio people that were like, that doesn't nobody's gonna follow that.

He's try and nothing. Nothing is more offensive. When you're watching a movie, you get what's happening. You're like, oh, that's because because he's going back and then and then the guy turns to Cameron basically said, this happened because I went back. I went why would you tell me? Yes?

Where he went back? Don't call me an idiot. That's why narrating is so cheap.

If any movie that has narration, you can immediately minus fifteen points because that's you're not doing your job as a writer, right.

It's no, we aren't. We're of course not talking about Shoshank. Don't get on us. What this is the exception? I love Shark Tank. I love Shark Tank Redemption.

I have a pitch for you. It's a movie called Redemption.

It's really good sharks. How is this different from the original Shank?

No, it is the original Sank. I just think everyone should watch it. I need a dollar for personal reasons.

I really because I got these theater seats in my house and I'm busting you all in to watch it so much. Popcorn, who's in? Who's in?

Who's sharks. I've never watched that, Mark Cuban, I just.

Know I mean people. I did watch a few of them recently and prior.

To that, Shark tankers for shankers.

Well, it's crazy because every thing you watch on there, they hurt someone's feelings and their chin trembles and they're like, well, my life's work. But then inevitably you go online and all of these things are available. So just being on there even if you lose, maybe if you lose, it's a good thing because then they're like, wait, that's available.

Yeah, I support you if even if Mark Cuban won't.

The point is I want to get in there. Finally, my napkin that attaches to the edge of the table and also my neck like a food trampoline, is gonna be off the ground. Wait, that's the slogan keeping that food off the ground? Boy, or my name isn't Chris X comedian Fairbanks.

I don't need that comedy anymore now that I have my sale napkin and call.

Now we'll also add the lap dog. That's a napkin for your dog to be in your lap.

That's a dog that eats the food off your lap. Like a napkin, living napkin.

So as I think this out, and I know this is during the commercial. You don't move the original napkin, just buy a dog. What do you think sharks?

There also in the commercial good a lot of great ideas. You know what. None of those ideas could have happened if we weren't at lax On front.

I am not the airport return would not allow me. Don't go there, please, I'm going straight.

Get me out of here, please, Hello.

You old worthless light up pillars.

Hey pay pillars that change colors in an ineffectual way.

And are you noticing there there's pieces of glass missing?

Yes?

Did you know it's because they fall off and shatter.

No, they are they just plastic.

They aren't being they are I'm telling you I saw because I came around that corner. It's like, why are there all these windshields shattered because they're still in a square form. They just land and they.

And people don't run and get them immediately.

Or they haven't landed on a homeless.

Man, I mean, and every single one.

So we are talking about there's these light of pillars on the way into lax Yeah, and their.

Art they're kind of pretty, but they are. They have light bulbs or whatever in the middle. In the middle. Now I have hiccups. You have to explain it.

They all take it from here.

Thanks.

They they sort of the the colors oscillate from a pink to a green to a blue. Sharks, what will you give me? What's so? From a distance they look good in like a photo of lax, But up close they're dingy rods of broken glass.

Yeah, they look like you know what it is.

It looks like something that would be it's the Beverly Center Center got abandoned. And then because it's like instead of one big tube of glass, right, it's it's pieces of glass that on every single one of these pillars, glasses falling, fallen off.

And you know, once that piece of glasses missing, it's the metal underneath. What an eyesore. Don't get it started on these pillars. Oh.

I have written to the comptroller. I have written to the city commissioner. I've written a batman and the penguin.

Do you can you define in ten words what a comptroller is?

I think I think the comptroller.

Sorry I didn't, No, No, it's okay. I think when I get an idea. When I think something, I have to yell it. I think the comptroller's akin to an accountant.

But that's just a guess.

But it's such an official title, I know it's the best.

Somebody's sent me on Twitter the other day. They sent me a picture someone was running for uh, you know, city council.

Whatever the name is, Richard Ramirez.

Oh no, wow, it's.

Still too soon for the night soccer to run for city council.

I haven't watched it, but there's a new Netflix documentary called Evil Genius Weird Names or whatever, and it's like one guy's name Donald Trump. Another there's there's also like your you know, Jarvish neckbone or whatever. They just have weird names.

And I could immediately see that guy. Yeah, yeah, you like kind of a bad skin tone.

Yeah, but great at mouth.

Harp, great at wearing overalls.

And saying saying terrible things about Obama as the shoulder strap slides down seductively. Oh sorry, I don't know why I went there. I don't know why I made him sex.

Some of the hottest overalls you've seen in the Bayou are on Jarvis neckbone.

Please look out for him, Sharks.

I really appreciate you.

Remember, it's a great name that's going to be with me for a while.

But there's that that guy Ramirez. I mean, I didn't even know you grew up fearing him your whole youth, right, yea, because you're killed here and then also in San Francisco.

Yes, I can't remember though, I think I can't remember if it was the late eighties or the early nineties when he did it.

You know what really scares me is a person that was given a handsome face by the lord, uh huh, and in spite of that, their craziness made it to where they're like, nope, I'm letting my teeth rot out. Yes, So if you ever see it, because I've seen homeless folks or people down you know, I hate even saying homeless people, but people wandering around the streets that have mental issues, and when they're handsome, meaning they could have just shown up and said, hey, hire me, y you

Well, and also you know that this town is so awful because it is chock full of beautiful people that nobody cares about. And that's one of the most frightening things. I think when I first moved here is I realized it doesn't matter if you're good looking. You have to have like five things going on, not just one or two.

I think for me it was like a reassuring thing because when I first moved here and I was randomly sent to these you know, auditions for big cat food commercials and everything. Yeah, everyone in the room, I mean, for real things. It was all a bunch of beautiful dudes that were a little taller than me. Yeah, that looked like me if I had never done anything bad to my body, And I was like, oh, I lost. But then you realize you've got to do other stuff,

Eight hundred cord not at lax anymore.

Oh god, is this not the most beautiful patch of road you've ever seen?

And it smells great? What is that my car about to die?

Is your car blowing up?

It?

Just it is that burning oil smell?

Well?

Also, my lights are on because I jumpstarted my neighbor's car and it blew a few So I don't know which of those warning lights is bluffing or not one of your.

Warning lights, says USA, like a fucking like a super It does us a far left.

USA, Am I reading that wrong?

Oh? It is it's it is VSA, but in Greek that V is very much to you.

It's very much. I'm reading it as if it was choosled on the front of a bank.

Boy. You have been in Europe, are switched to you? I'm sorry, I'm so used to this. Am I drinking tea again?

Oh? I found some in my beret.

Will you tell me some of the places you went to yet, because I've been to Spain and in Manchester.

From Manchester, I love okay, everywhere we went. We were only there for a day or two, so we had no experiences. I had a couple people tell me lists of things to do and didn't do fucking anything.

So we started.

We landed in. The first city we were in was Dublin. We were two knights in Dublin and then.

Forgot to do a pub. See don't I can't do Sorry.

We went to the oldest there's a place called the Brazen Head in Dublin that is from eleven fifty.

It's it's fucking insane.

It's a pub from eleven to fifty. We went there. It's just like a regular pub, but.

It has the school eleven fifty.

Yes.

I saw a tombstone from sixteen hundred something and I lost my mind, and another one from the seventeen hundreds with a joke that said, help, there's worms and beetles down here.

No.

Yeah, a guy that's like, I want this joke on my tombstone.

I love that guy forever.

I know he's he's the worst. He will forever rest my heart. It was the best. I laughed forever.

It's so good.

Okay, So Dublin two nights amazing, being so fun, the perfect kickoff. Then we went to Oslo. I was very nervous about Oslo, Norway, because I people always say like, oh, there's certain countries like comics we know, and I don't know if you've done stand up over there, but like the audiences respond differently, so even if they love what you're doing, they don't they're not verbal, and they don't make a ton of noise, don't clap a lot.

They're very reserved.

And I heard like that Norway might be like that and Stockholm might be like that, so I was like, oh, we're gonna get this weird energy and all of our you know, it's a live podcast, so everything that we do is off of the energy of what people are responding to. So like we're just riffing off each other's stories, right, and I will completely go blank if I think no one likes it, you know what I mean, We'll start panicking whatever.

Of course, they were such great shows. They were exactly like shows from here.

So the audience wasn't they were way like that.

They were as good, if not better, than any other live show we've ever done, and the people people were First of all, they're speaking two fucking languages, which that blows me so away. I kept thinking about it where I'm like, imagine if you had to speak Norwegian right now?

Oh, just everyone speaks English, everyone pretty much everywhere. Yes, God, we're all dumb.

We're so dumb, and they'd speak it with really, really believable accent. So this is George and I talked about this on stage a bunch while we were there. When we were in Oslo at the meet and greet, So like, when we read these stories, they're from you know, Norway murders yea, so we can't pronounce any city, And at one point we got I got a girl to be our translator, where we would just go up and show her the paper and she would say the name of the city.

She jumped up on stage to do that.

She was just like right there front row. It was just like kind of a fun bit to do.

But it was also because every city had four a's and circles over letters and shit that we had no idea umlats.

So there were umlots came into the picture somewhere.

Along I call anything.

But then when we went to the meet.

And greet, the people would come up and they would say, because I say, like, what's your name, and they would go like, and then I try to mimic what they said to me, and then they just go, it's it's basically Christian.

And they would say just like I just said it. So they would be speaking how they normally speak, and then they.

Would have to switch to English Valley Girl basically to be like it's basically Christian.

Really like no accent in the American version of this latinet right for me. So embarrassing, that is, we should all be so embarrassed, not for that, but for a bunch of reasons. While you're on the plane. You know there's another school shot.

Yeah, I heard there's a second and in one day.

See, we're we're good at some stuff. I don't like my jokes.

We had, you know, we had a joke.

Our last show was at Lasgow last night and all all we said was Georgia like rolled eyes about Donald Trump, and the whole room went insane.

Yeah yeah, and then we were just both like so embarrassing. We're just so embarrassed.

I know, I uh, I guess that's all rolled my eyes. When I'm just going to Canada, that's not. But they still it's even more guilt when you go there because they have to vicariously live through us, and they follow our politics more than there. It's because they're disconnected from there as a little because it's like sort of European country.

Oh yeah.

And I'm always embarrassed because people in Canada know everything about America and I don't know. I mean, well, he's answer until they hired some handsome guy. I just knew they had hockey players on their five dollars bill.

They love hockey. They're very polite people. They have really good kit cats. Oh my god, we got they brought us so sorry, so much like candy over there.

We got to try.

Altels no like there.

They would bring us back and they'd be like, this is the best candy, this is my favorite. This it was nuts. I mean, like it was so fun. But I would only like when we go back to the hotel, Min'd be like, just picked one. You can't have a whole pile of candy in your room.

Yeah, yeah, of course, I'm yeah, the chalk, I'm I had a roommate back when it was snowboarding that just ate candy all day and he was just an in shape you know. I'm sure he doesn't eat candy all the time now, but I've never seen someone just eat chocolate every day. But it was all European and it was the best. Yeah. I'm not even like a sweet tooth person, but once I had a taste of that something. I can't remember any of Cadberry. Oh, just the cream egg.

Straight to Ron Pearl Maza. That's where it belongs.

I guess I did. I meant to go straight to hallboy like a clash song. Oh okay, sorry, I do want to hear more European stories.

Okay, So we then from Oslo we went to Stockholm. Same deal. Amazing show made popular by the syndrome.

Exactly, And that was the story I was gonna do, really because that's from a bank robbery.

But it wasn't that interesting like it. It basically is the story you've already heard, which is these guys robbed a bank, they got caught, and then all the people that were in the bank were like, don't be mean to these guys.

They're just you know, class, sure, sure, whatever.

I didn't really read the story that thoroughly. Please look it up if you're.

Interested in the Stockholm syndrome because of what I just told you isn't the truth.

They're just working class and they all were drinking paps together. I think, oh, ship, well, there's an interesting but that was his name, Jervis Edwin, his brother who reads.

His uptight brother that works at the bank.

There's a documentary or no, it's a it's non documentary. It's a it's a but it's very very based on oh, what's her name? Madeline? Right? No, con madelon conk.

I really like she's the greatest. She's the greatest, but the most beautiful singing boy, he's just the best, just the funniest.

She's gone now. She died, She.

Died, she died.

Eleven hundred's this pub was made No, they she was a staunch atheist that helped to get Prayer out of school.

Yep, Madeline, and then she disappeared.

Yes, and there's a movie about it, and I watched it and I should remember her name. But they kidnapped her, and at first you thought it was going to be a Stockholm syndrome because they're like playing cards and everyone's being cool, and then it just goes to hack.

Madeleine, Margaret O'Toole or something like that.

Yeah, it is three names. Madeline, Concia, Madelene, James almost almost.

Almost right, James, Madeleine, Edwin neckbo.

I hope that you like. I went inland just to take you past Plia del Rey and then we're finally getting back on the freeway required to go to where you live.

I think you wanted to remind me of home and what this is really all about.

Yeah, and I appreciate it.

Of course, I'm here to get you back, reacclimate you. You've been gone a very long time, I really have.

And what I was telling Georgia is I get so depressed when I call an uber from LAX.

That's what I always do, and it takes standards.

It takes an hour. Now it's not working anymore.

Yeah, it takes forever.

But there's something about going on a really long trip and then getting.

Into a stranger's car right is so heartbreaking to me.

I don't know why. Yeah, it really.

Tricked you into picking me up twice.

I'm so used to it because I've never I mean, sometimes my roommate picks me up, but there isn't like a hot Coco Christmas feel about it. I kind of miss getting in the super shuttles, yeah, because it's like, I don't know, but then you gotta stop super shuttles.

Yeah, bumm me out, because I was always going in one to the airport and I would always be really hungover to the point where I wanted to throw up, and they would stop and pick up every asshole.

In Los Angeles.

There one time in the super shuttle we waited outside that big tall apartment building that's on Rossmore.

You know when Vine turns into.

Rosso Yes, I do know that building.

And it's all old fashioned. This girl rolled out like fifteen or twenty minutes after.

The super shuttle pulled out.

Oh no for her and everyone the super Shuttle was so pissed.

Of course you would. Did anyone say anything? I remember there being fights on it, like if you delayed, people would get vocal, and then you're in a bus of yelling people. Yeah. I mean you might as well be on some hillside road with a bunch of chickens in it.

There's nothing.

Super shuttle is like punishment for poor people who want to travel.

It really is horrible. That's why you.

Have to drive people to the airport. It's just like, just do that one thing because it's so awful.

People always ask me why I live where I live, But I'm ten minutes from lax Man. It's pretty great. That's nice, Like you could have told me I'm walking out to the curb now. I could have left then and probably should have, and you would have waited less than me fumbling around. Not it's it's pretty great to be that close. But everything for every other reason it's ridiculous that I live.

It's just a different town.

It's so far away. It is okay.

So then we did Stockholm and then we went to London and then London to Amsterdam.

What did you do in London? Did were you able to hang out in London? That's a new city.

That's the fastest we were anywhere. We were there for We flew in, we did the show. The next morning, we took the train to Manchester, which.

Was I love it there the bill, it's really cool. I love those I love Manchester.

I mean again, we didn't get to see anything, but our hotel was right across the street from the Hacienda, that club that Tony Wilson ran, that's from twenty four.

Our party people, Oh wow, yeah, sure sure all that I joined the vision, Yeah exactly.

That's basically where Vince's like, oh those are apartments now, but that used to be the Hacienda. And then we all just kind of looked at it and that's oh cool. And then we saw the train, which was cool. I mean the I keep saying train tracks, the trestle that was like the brick.

Train riser.

Oh yeah, it looks really really old. Wow. Cool because it's probably from eleven hundred.

Probably from around eleven to eleven fifty.

God, that's so great. I loved it there and people are so I just like European people.

Yeah, it's well, there's I find like before I went on this trip, I think I was really nervous to be doing that much traveling, and I have that like pre anxiety of like something's gonna happen or there's just gonna be delays, like we're gonna get stuck in the airport, we're gonna get stuck here.

We're gonna get stuck there. Yeah, it was super easy, breezy. It wasn't like that like it was.

It was good.

The only thing is just I'm always five minutes late, so minimum, and so when people are sitting out side and Georgia Invins are both like early people.

Sure, it's not the best combination. So it just trying to like not be late was a humongous.

Challenge because you know you're going to be the only one that's late every single time.

Yeah, no, they're well, Vince is the tour manager, so he has to be on time.

Oh he is. I didn't know that.

Yeah, he's our tour manager.

Oh cool, that's that's kind of what he did out of college, you like, for bands and stuff. Oh, I didn't know that, and it's what he went to college for, which I think is fascinating.

Well, that's funny because I just assumed. I don't know, I sent him that message. Do you know when they get back? But I didn't know that he was always on tour? Yeah, who else?

So it's just the three two, the three of us, which also isn't can make it if we try. It can be like that also can be depressing when you just are like you're on tour, but you also feel like a third wheel, right, But I mean totally they both are not like that, and it's not like that's just making out in front of you.

It's always yeah, it's just more.

That we should have one more person, Yeah, just for like even the balance of Yeah I did.

I mean that Paul Ryan's stuff was my manager and the Andy Mane the moderator, and that I was like, boy, it would be great if a fourth person, but then I would have lost even more money.

Exactly. It's so expensive.

Yeah.

People are always like you should take Stephen on tour, and it's like, see there's already people there recording the podcast, right right, we are not made of money like to just pay for like at the hotel we stay in, Like we take good flights and these stay in nice hotels because that's what we want to spend our money on. It's like, we're not going to travel and then go to like a shitty hotel to save fifty dollars, right right, thought that shit, I'm not I'm middle aged, like I'm

Oh yeah, it was across from the Royal Palace really.

So it was just like I opened my window. I felt like a princess that just opened my window.

It was gorgeous and so I kind of didn't feel bad that I wasn't a tourist in Stockholm only because totally it was gorgeous.

Yeah. I stayed in beautiful hotel like in Chicago and stuff, but then in a youth No, in Chicago, he stayed in a youth hostel. Man they are It was so nice from the outside. I think it used to be a haunted boarding school. Haunted now used to be a boarding school, but now the only ghost was just so many balls. Just the smell. It just smelled like socks and balls.

We stated a youth hostel when like in the year two thousand when me and Mary Lynn went to Ireland.

And it was with girls guitar girl's guitar class.

We just went there for vacation. We just like we were like, oh, this will be fun, my sister. It was my sister's idea, and then we kind of split off and went just drove around. But it was during a festival, so we were in a room with bunk beds with like eight other girls. And these two girls came in at like three in the morning and started.

Fighting and I was like, like fight, fist fighting, No, no, like girl fighting.

Oh yeah, yeah, like because they were drunk and mad and something happened at a bar and I was like, you've got to be kidding me, Like it's truly.

The middle of the night and you don't give a shit.

Oh wow.

And then I went the next morning, got up, took a shower and then as I turned the water off, realized I don't have a towel, and of.

Course they don't provide towels.

No, of course they didn't. I swear I made the exact same mistake.

I never, I didn't know.

And the bathrooms down.

The hall, yeah, I cut myself off with a towel. I then had to put on.

Nasty so never.

I mean, I can't go back.

No, no, you can't. They're still talking about you. You can't go back there. Remember that lady left a towel. I didn't have a towel, left her towels at home.

That idiot, it doesn't know the towel rule.

You're supposed to travel with towels. That's the one reason I'm happy to leave this city is that I get to go use brand new towels somewhere. Of Course, I wouldn't bring my shitty old towels. They're not they aren't that they're somewhere less than a couple of years old, A couple most of them are pretty old. Get you some new towels, Okay, right here, we'll do. Yeah, I do need to. I got to get my life together. It's that what you're saying.

Well, no, you know, I'm just making a couple of suggestions. There was a towel warmer. Have you ever seen those. They're like towel racks that are hot so that when you get out of shower that you pick up the towel.

It's warmth.

Oh my lord, that's because we were just in Glasgow.

So wait, London, Manchester, Amsterdam, day Off and then Glasgow and then here, God, that sounds great.

Glasgow had a tewlelwarmer and then a blow dryer. Couldn't find.

And didn't you do? And I did see one, but it was a while ago that you did on Apollo.

And yes that was the Hammersmith Apollo was the London show?

Is it related to the Apollo that we know in Lost?

No?

No, okay, just entitle alone.

You know what, Sometimes I ask questions because I know they're down.

Those are the best kind of questions, the ones that make me feel smarter than you.

Right right, Well, I know that I'm setting you up to be in a superior position.

The hammer.

The London show was hard because I didn't sleep in Stockholm the night before. I just couldn't go to sleep, and so when I got on stage, I was doing Jack the Ripper in.

London was my murder?

Oh yeah, yes.

The second I started, I was like this is the worst idea you've ever had, because everyone in this audience loves true crime and is probably a ripperologist of some kind. Oh right, and they all know, like every mistake you're going to make, you're about to make, they're going to know. And I was I immediately started flop sweating. It was like, that's one of the war shows I've ever had.

What's theologist againists? Or what people? Oh right right? Robe? Oh wow, yeah it has yeah it does.

But then here's the cool thing. In the meet and greet.

A girl came back.

One woman came back and said, you did great, because there was a bunch of ripperologists sitting around us, and the only thing they didn't like was there was one author at the end. There are people who.

Give theories of who Jack Ruber could have been, and this American author, Patricia Cromwell or Cornwall or something.

She tried to say it wasn't this one guy.

And she basically came out like I have the answer, and she got a TV show and all the stuff, and it was a complete bullshit, and all the ripprologist knew it. So when I first started talking about her, they all thought I was saying she had it right, and they were freaking out.

But then I basically was like, but it was all bullshit, and then they.

Were oh, oh right right. Oh. I love those moments.

It was that intense, as like being a comic con and being like, Okay, everybody, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about a movie.

Called Star Wars. Yeah, no, the best Star Trek episode.

Yeah, trouble would triples. So yeah, that was scary and uh.

Yeah, that would be intimidating because now your fans are like there, some of them are full on study this stuff, like and there they might know if you're in that town and you're doing you're usually doing local stories, right, Yes, there's gonna be I would always be worried about that.

Yeah, it's it's very worrisome, and I think I just haven't thought about it that much. It's just that these shows are getting kind of big, and I think I'm just starting to realize the exposure level, which I was kind of happily ignorant about before. So it's that and then uh and then on top of it, yeah, it's like, well there, I think there are people.

What I'm starting to get This is the part where I just lose my mind and just start babbling incoherently.

You are it right now in your brain. It is five in the morning and you are supposed to be waking up. That's right. And did you sleep on the plane?

I slept maybe two hours on the plane.

You can do you need to scream? Do you do? You need to? No?

I don't know. Here's the thing. I slept so badly on this trip. I would do that because this is the hard part. We do the show. We get home from a show at midnight, yeah, or twelve thirty. Sure, and yet I can't sleep till two am because you're so key.

Yeah, that's me always, right, So then like two.

Three am is if I'm going to go to sleep. That's when I go to sleep. But usually I'll just start watching TV. And just kind of liked, that's the same as me.

Yeah, it's hard, it's it's the And then after a while the attrition of that is just like, and now I'm at that point where I'm I don't I think I might not be tired because this is my normal sleep pattern of still being awake at five am.

Wow. But anyway, wait, I was going to you said this was the trip where you kind of realized, oh, the reach that you guys have, that reach.

But then also, the people who really care about the details of true crime don't listen to our show because our show is like a it's it's comedy and it's light and we're not about this is exactly this, this, this, and like giving every detail and so those people, like I think I came to realize after meeting so many people, Oh, yeah, we don't have to worry about that. That's the thing I was really worried about for a long time. It's like,

That right, and I can't help But because it's it's just the thing I did. That's I was worried about being political enough or being savvy enough as this for passol. Yeah, but then I realized, no, people know they're going to a comedy show. I'm going to rely on the improv funny part and fitting my jokes in there. That's then I started to have fun with it, and I realized no one was there to judge me. In the capitol

They want to laugh.

And also, I always I didn't learn this till way too late in my stand up comedy career. People want to watch you be brave and execute a thing they could never do. So even if you don't do it great, they're still happy you're doing it at all.

That's what the whole time during the Paul Ryan, I'm like, this isn't great, but it's happening, Yes.

Exactly, And and it gets better because you're a comic. So that means every show is the next show is going to be twice as good as the last show, simply by the fact that that's what we do for like for survival is like whatever happened the first night will get fixed and improved on the second night.

Times ten, right, right, unless you take a break for a couple of weeks and then do a show in LA to forty people, where'd you go at the Dynasty Typewriter?

Forty people is a huge crowd for LA.

Yeah, it really is. Oh, and someone named Corey came she's the best. She was at the show somewhere in Wisconsin, I believe, or the Chicago one, and then flew here and saw this Corey. Yeah, she's the best. Hey, awesome, Cory, that's okay.

Lots of I would say, ten different people told me they love do you need a ride?

Oh cool on this trip? Yeah, I that's great. Yeah, they're they're all they're caught up on your podcast and now they're getting caught up on ours and it's really neat. I like it, and they they I trust me. I've noticed them too. I love it.

It's it's uh, it's so good that we came up with this podcast idea and then just really hung in there in those lean times. There's like maybe the one time where we were going to do it and then I was just like, yeah, can we not do it? And You're like, yeah, but can't we do it?

And then I was like, okay, I remember that, and you were like okay, thank you. Yes, I don't really ever read, but no, that's how I feel too. It has everything to do with it's kind of scary to be driving, but I've gotten used to it, and this is fine. Oh yeah, I've done enough sit down podcasts in a building now to realize I'm not any better at it when I'm not driving. That's what I suddenly realized.

He's better take me to Los Angeles and not Ventura.

No, we're going to the Venture Harvor Comedy Club.

Please don't make me do comedy right now.

Oh oh god, I have the worst Did I ever tell you about the New Year's Eve? Jimmy Pardo and I worked there at the Ventura. I mean, it's a giant subject change, but no, it was just it was just everyone was kind of methy. Everyone's legs were shaking as they were sitting. And this guy up front had a curly mustache and a bald head like the boxer in Indiana Jones that gets by the Propeller. He looked like him and was big, and his wife just looked like like real feisty and leathery, and they were in.

A complete euphemism way of she was horrifying, looked.

Like a hag. She was very hag. They were both There were a couple hags that meant they were meant for each other, but they maybe had to fight that night and then decided, hey, look we have these free comedy club tickets. Let's work it out there. Yes, they were not, and they kept going out to smoke long menthol misty slims, and then they talked during my set a little bit, but I just didn't pay attention to

You've also done some traveling in your life.

Oh yeah, yeah, you don't have to go to Europe to experience find cuisine and tease.

I know what tea tastes like.

You just go down to the harbor.

Wait is it nine twenty one?

For real?

It is? I think it took us forever to get out of that.

Yeah, I'm used to it. I'm sorry sometimes when I usually when I land, my phone is dead and I just plug it in and lay by the baggage claim for an hour because no one's coming to get me.

No, I'll come and get you. No, you can ask me next time.

It's nice to say why am I turning to mow? From the sentence it is a yeah, oma ay, It's nice.

To say why is it? I can only do voices that are already comedians doing voices.

Well, because then you have a blueprint.

Yeah, yeah, you know where to go with it. One day. Being able to do most of the Smurfs. It's gonna lunch me to start them.

I used to watch that show livid, like there was nothing else on, and I'd just be like, I hate the way they're all talking.

Yeah, like they're talking like babies. It made me so mad. There was only one girl it was.

Yeah, that was a weird situation for her, wasn't It's dangerous every day.

So scary, so scary. She was under constant threat and also kind of like, oh, well then I'll do this and then I'll do that. It's like, could you please protect yourself?

Yeah, at least be physic, if not mentally able to defend yourself, at least have a stick or some brass knuckles.

Take those high heels off. You don't need to wear smurf high heels.

Everyone else is wearing normal mushroom boots. All their all their souls are smurfy.

Smurfy boots will look so cute with that dress. You don't need to wear a quarter inch heel. You're not a fucking secretary in an office.

Damn it. I can't believe I'm almost in all. This is a fucking miracle.

It's going to be the best for a little while.

There I was like, I'm never going to.

Get back home right when you open the doors, You're just gonna float hovering above your dogs like Yogi bear yes to your bed as if it was pie cooling.

On a windows exactly. You know what I mean eat is pizza because first of all, because I'm going gluten free after tonight when I get my bearings. Oh yeah, jet lag ins or whatever, I'm gonna go gluten.

What made you decide? Because you know I don't fuck with that.

I don't.

I do sometimes, but it's terrible for inflammation for a long time. Yeah, when I had my bad arthritis and and then bad hips, you know, when I was really in my most amount of pain, that helped so much.

Well, when we were in Stockholm, we had a day off, so and it was around my birthday, so Georgia I got us both Swedish massages and the lady. I walked in the room and the lady said, oh, you're booked for a whatever. It was like a ninety minute harmony massage. And she looked at me and she goes, can I I think you should switch to.

Lymphatic And I was like, whatever you want to do to me, do it.

And so she did, even though I'm offended, even though.

Clearly you're making common about my parents.

But she basically was like I said. I basically said, I stopped eating sugar and then I started again. And then it's like I crave it all the time and I might eat insat of control.

Blah.

She goes, start getting weekly lymphatic massages, cut out gluten. She goes, your system is panicking, and she's like, and then you can just calm your system down, get the inflammation down.

She's like, then then the way it'll come back off.

I love it when people know shit.

Especially a Swedish massage therapist. Yeah, they fucking know.

And she started giving me the lymphatic massage, which I don't even really know what that means. But then she started going, oh, your system is really responding, and I was like, you could sell me something that costs eight.

Hundred dollars yeah right now?

Yeah.

I love that. I do too.

So I feel like, now I have this plan.

I'm going to do one last because we had this pizza last night in fucking Glasgow.

Which was the best.

I love Glasigow as a city, and the people were fucking great and so nice.

And hilarious. But we went to a bar after the show because we didn't eat. We don't eat beforehand, and then there's nowhere to go after of course, so we end up at a bar.

The pizza they served it was like remember those pizzas you made yourself that came that tomato sauce was in a can and it was like after school kind of pizza and you.

Make the dough and yes, I do, I know my own. My ex stepmom used to make pizzas. They were great, but they did seem like a school project.

Yes for your mouth, and there's there's a kind of a glue element to them.

Yeah, it's like making a tasty volcano.

But these were like if that was terrible tasting, right, So we were all like, oh, pizza, and we're like, oh, that'll get the job done.

And we all really wanted pizza because we hadn't been anywhere that had it in quite some time.

And it was the oh wow, it's hard to fuck up pizza. It seems like, well it was. It was a bar.

I will I will give them that.

So now you want pizza revenge exactly.

I want some some good kind of pizza revenge.

When we were rears in the dynasty. We I've been to this restaurant Maza. Yes, it's like fancy Italian Michelle Balloon and I there it was like, I'm like, oh my god, this salad, everything was so good.

The one on Highland Moza with the Mossa in Silver Lake.

Oh boy, I wish I knew which was it? Was it like fancy or was it like there were me I think they have a fancy and then they have a pizza place. Ok, okay, yeah this but this was a fucking deep dish like Chicago, like it was fucking Mariner. It was soup inside of it. I did not care for it. It was the cheese under the crust, and then on top of that it was like chunk. He asked tomato.

No, no, no, no, I want the tomatoes.

No. It was I hard to eat. A hell of a mess, mostly bread. I'm gonna say. The only redeemable quality was its temperature.

And it's shape. It was circular.

I enjoyed that it was a familiar circle, but was it was in my mouth? It was a familiar feeling of fury. Allow you sharp prudential rock planted by passive, aggressive neighbor Larry.

Oh, I saw a thing that's similarly. No, it's Chuck.

I'm gonna call hi, Larry.

You got Larry because I don't pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

Can you see that shadow on his Yes, it looks like an elbow, like he's got his elbow on his hip and he's mad that.

We're like, yes, but but also a month from a monster fairy tale. I saw a thing so told my dad when my dad came down to visit me one time that he he checked the windshields in airplanes like that for cracks, that that was his job, as it was like, uh, like a quality check sure before.

Airplanes went out.

I'd want to know about that.

And then I just read a thing that the most common jobs for serial killers is in aeronautical engineering, and then like some other kind of why, and then I was like, that's what Chuck did.

I would you would think it would be janitor. I don't know why, just because you can get into buildings and get in and out of doors, hide and broom closets.

You'd think, look at my little doggies have been waiting longer than they've ever waited for me.

That's so sad.

All right, we have to say I can draw again. Well, oh yes, look I mean look at my broken name. Christ I know that is where the bones are, so I can't you know, I'm I have to rest like that exactly. So I it's so dumb. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made. I broke my fifth metacarpol and it looks It's been a month and a half and it still looks and feels, yeah, like it was yesterday. I got to go to a doctor again. All right, all right, I'm happy to see you.

I'm happy to thank you so much for driving.

Of course that meant the world you've been listening. Did you unite it? Do unite a rod? Do you need a right d Ryan?

Are you leave then?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turning on engage.

We want to send you off instar. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Melbourne? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and chriss H