Ep. 107 - Karen and Chris - Taurus Analytica

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol Ingay, we want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Malorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is a Karen Kilgara.

We're in the we're in line at Starbucks. I didn't want to include your order because I want to respect your privacy.

Thank you.

I'd never want someone to surprise me by knowing my Starbucks order and.

Getting it for me right right.

It would be an incredible invasion of my privacy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like anytime I find out that someone's being paying attention to what I like, it's very it's very invasive.

That's when you know you've got to get out.

Yeah, somebody gives you a perfect Christmas present, Never contact that person again.

Yeah, they're up in your business.

Yeah, Why are you paying so much attention to me? How did you know I want this?

You're a liability now to me. I can't now you. Now I've got an open flank. Now I've got a weakness, and it's you. Others can get to me through you.

What are we talking about.

I think we're just talking about big brother, big brother being able to get your information.

That's right.

We're talking about the dark Web, We're talking about the Silk Road, We're.

Talking about Cambridge Analytica. We're talking about yet how did you know?

Because she's good at coming.

My wife? Oh, I'm sorry. Once again, I'm always you know how, I'm.

Always constantly fixed fixing.

Yeah, it sounds all right. Last time I got to stop this stereo thing that we've been doing people. I thought people liked it sometimes, but I think sometimes they're listening at work and they their pause is to the right, and they only have a one pod in there in their left ear, and then so they only hear you talking or talking?

Are you saying there that there are clowns to the left of them and jokers to the right, and that they're stuck in the middle of us.

Where wolves a.

Rug were wolves London where Wolves of London is like a high end bag store.

Right, yeah, oh my god, did you get your bag at were Wolves?

I love it of London. Yes, I did.

Your bag, but it's actually a plastic bag from the grocery store. It's from where Wolves of London.

And you're just holmeless person, not have it, you're talking to a parking meter. I have nothing against the homeless. I say homeless when I mean just people. They're in the streets, right.

Just anyone out in the streets.

My my heart goes out to people without homes.

Oh, it's good of you.

I feel like anytime I I make comments about homeless, I am talking about I live in Venice and there are people with seaweed in their hair that are screaming.

Yeah.

And it's much more than just they don't have a house. It's a thing that makes me feel bad and they want people to know. I think about it all the time.

Yes, you can't help, but when you're on the West side of Los Angeles, there is a serious issue every single day. Well, and also know everywhere in Los Angeles those tent cities are popping up everywhere, they really are. It's crazy. On just any street.

You used to have to go specific. Did you know skid Row is on a map that part of downtown?

Yoh yeah, it's real place.

It's a place.

Huh, it's a famous place.

Was it there and then they knew to move there? Or what was it named after? The tents were already there and they're like, Okay, we're gonna designate this.

I would this is a guess, but I think it's an educated guess that because it's down near some kind of it's either by a like some kind of a helping facility, like say the Salvation Army or a city run governmental one or something. So I think people naturally were gathering there because that's where the place there they were getting help. And then people just basically maybe were waiting in line to get help or if there was

And so I had nothing to do with the band skid Row, that's what you're saying.

Well, what I heard was, God damn it, if I could just.

Learn that guy's name I know any information I could give you his ugly kid Joe specific and it's not gonna help.

But isn't skid Row the guy that the lead singer was so weirdly the Sebastian box.

Yes, yeah, yeah he does. He does like Broadway.

I wanted to if I could just have said Sebastian Bach and finish that sentence, it would have been such a feat.

Trust me, I'm I'm here for the where pless information. You're here to actually talk about things that matter. And yes, I have gone down a Ford tourist jingle wormhole.

Let's hear about it.

We were singing it. First of all, it's not Now there's an American car that has It's now there is a personal car that as if up till then Ford was just advertising commercial vehicles and buses and trans transport vans. Now there's a personal car that has exactly with.

So impersonal lend anymore.

Yeah, there's a personal car and with the shape and the look that you've been looking for. Now there's an American car that has exactly what we've been waiting for.

Okay, but to.

Us, but then there's a key change and uh, and there's a lot more of the song. I didn't know that commercials used to be like five minutes long. Yes, it's an epic song and the guy is really putting it out there. And then there's laser sound effects, remember the beginning of HBO movies. And it is very epic, and there's laser shows wrapping around the oval Ford logo and it's very like it's just the most eighties amazing thing ever.

No, I just want to say this, I love it.

I feel like you may have been watched watching a later version because I think the I think the Tourus commercial I'm singing is the first one with the very first Torus, but then it exploded in popularity and those things were everywhere.

Well I hate to say this, but they are dated. And this what I watched was the very first. It was the introduction of the tour, but then later it became the song like mellowed out.

A little okay, and then it became America Car.

He got a little No, that's just the second verse, and I think they just started it with the second verse. But he used to be.

The car is crazy, Yeah exactly.

They thought that, and then they thought that he was singing like Joe Cocker halfway through he really was going vain temple level.

Yeah, there is the oh yeah, it's like we all know we'll go when something something that's brod and true.

Tom Tonton, It's like, I'm not kidding. There is so many and then it goes back to Drust four. It's like it there's Frisbee and apple pie in it. Yes, it's nuts.

I do remember those old cult car commercials, the idealized version of America in them, which was predominantly white people.

But then all black family.

Oh my god, I was just going to say that in this commercial that I was just gonna say that they cart initially had a flash to a black family. It's like, and these guys were okay too, you don't worry about it.

You can all get into a Taurus.

It's when I was getting ready. It's so funny that you said that.

Because it's it's that thing of like you didn't see it as a I didn't see it as like a middle class white kid that they were like, look at America, and you'd be like, yay, I love America. And then it's like, why is the black family not picnicking with anybody else at this it's a different party.

When they cut to that family.

Yeah, and they had to make sure that the wife wasn't they all had the equal tint of skin. It was very like, uh, and it's so funny you mentioned that because I was also watching before these Paul Ryan tours I did. I was watching a lot of speeches

Five thank you, it was.

Very multi racial. He was really trying, or someone was someone was, Yeah, it wasn't his idea. You're right, he just wanted to do Star Wars point missiles at other missiles. Right, we gotta get the small missiles to shoot the big missiles. That was his biggest That was his his main focus, which is so funny, is that true? Yeah? That and the trade tariff thing which is ruined dark country?

What is the missiles? Big missiles.

That was Star Wars where they were gonna bomb the bombs.

Basically, right, Yeah, that was his. That was billions and billions of dollars that my dad would be a better person to have in the car right now to talk about you too, But my dad's added him about that. And then the trade, the trade death which is happening again. We're like starting a trade war with China which has no end. That could go on forever because they're not going to back down. They're fucking.

Yeah, China doesn't fuck around.

They aren't gonna fuck around. We're screwed. Yeah, that's where Trump had his clothes made. All right, it's fine, we don't have to talk about that stuff.

I think we have talked a little bit about Reagan before because also my mom hated Ronald Reagan quite a bit.

Oh, our moms would have been such.

Pals, such good friends.

Yeah, I know they would.

Yep, yep, she really. It's hard to talk and merge into fast traffic.

Oh yeah, oh, I know, trust me.

Okay, good, here we go.

It's hard to make decisions. I'm trying to make verbal yeah.

Oh shit, oh god, everybody's going fucking fifty.

Why because they're dicks? Oh this was my lane. I could have gone into it the whole time.

I don't know. I see Shane is rubbing on the I'm gonna do that. I'm sorry. It was rubbing on the light. And but that's you know this, We get the sights and sounds of actual the driving follies and.

Foibles that would just happen, although boring was real, and I.

Guess it wasn't the sites. It's only the sounds of course.

This.

Yeah, Well the pictures that your mind projects, oh yeah, mindscreen.

The things we say will paint colored pictures in your brain.

Now, Chris, you went on tour as Paul Ryan across this great American land, and while you were there you told me you met people who listened to this podcast.

Yes, a lot. It was really pretty cool and I love it. And a lot of the times I can tell that they were murderinos that transferred over. But one of the time I thought these guys there was a couple of guys in Madison, and I thought they were going to be mad. They weren't smiling. Okay, Then they bought a poster and I was like, well, that's a weird way to pick a fight, and they just had because they had hats. Their brims were folded. It's me

That's hilarious, and yeah, and they it well.

But it makes sense that you would be nervous because that's the entire political engagement that anyone has with anyone these days.

You're not going to assume that a.

Guy wearing camel on his hat, this might be California at a Californian idea, but you would be thinking that's that's a person who likes hunting and who likes his gun control and who likes this, and like it's easy to go just really put someone in that corner.

I think that these guys did like their hunting and their gun control. Maybe, but they also like our podcast and they're like, well, this is the guy, so I'm going to go. And maybe they didn't agree with because I was very anti gun during a lot of my I just hid my jokes and answer I couldn't write. I learned as much as I could about even though

I want to thank specifically the Deer Hunters.

Yeah, you love your movie. Yeah, I'm proud that you listen to us. Yes, I think it's exciting. Also, I think people we've all been led down the primrose path to judge each other based on things that actually don't really reflect anything right, Like I think if you just saw me stand in the back of a club, you think, oh, that's a witch. And she also teaches theater, right, you wouldn't be giving me all the credit that I am due.

I was really ready. Yeah, I was on edge and thought that's what I needed to prepare for. But it was just people, really, I mean it seemed Milwaukee and Madison in Chicago, everyone's really nice. Yeah, and it was We met Kathy Myers, who's running for Paul Ryan's district. She's a teacher and she was the best she came and she was so funny. Oh she during the Q and A came up to the stage and we gave her the mic and she was so funny and great and knew exactly how to play it.

That's amazing.

And I tried to urge her to run Republican just because it would give her it had two Democrats. Come on, you want to win this thing, run Republican and do what you want afterwards, that's what I did. She's like, actually, that's a pretty good idea. She was so great. And then she hung out and had some beers and she had she was there with her daughter and I love it, and her boyfriend and her campaign manager and they were the best and she was so cool.

That's great.

And then we went to Randy Brice's office, the other guy running. So I don't know if we're meddling with both sides or but that's you know, I'm just playing Paul Ryan for them, that's right. And then they helped promote it's a backscratchy. It's a double backscratcher, which most of uses sweet ass skie trick. But you know there was a mutual symbiosis.

Very cool, yes, And now you're a political comedian, like this is what you're saying, Like.

The Tetsi fly when he warns the buffalo the bird Wait, okay, there's a bird that hangs out on a buffalo.

That any of the bird that's the dentist for the alligator.

Right, there's all yes, that's better. That's a better one. And then they zoom in on him during a Flintstones episode and he's like, I hate my job, and then the mountains a living. I'm a dinosaur but also a garbage disposal. Back under the steak with.

Me fucking bird always said it's a living.

It was like I those cartoons because it was like Jack Benny style jokes for kids in the eighties.

Yeah, just like why do we we don't like this comedy?

Yeah?

Why why are they you thinking kids are going to enjoy? Yeah, it's I'm in a union.

At least that's now.

There's a there's a bird that hangs out on a buffalo or a rhino, or when it eats the bugs off his back in the rhino, was like, okay, you can eat my bugs as long as you peck me when there's danger is coming.

I love it.

So the bird's like, there's a tiger over there, and he'll like, peck it's back. He's like, no, thanks for stopping to eat my back bugs, giving me enough time to run away. I hope I'm not making all that up.

I mean, I feel like I've heard about these types of relationships and I haven't just heard that one specifically.

Yes, but I love it.

Mutualism is that what it's called? Yes?

Is it really?

I think so?

Mutualism is a good freeze.

But but but yes, they these politicians were. Yeah, and it's a way to you know, like Randy's gonna come to the LA show here and have a fundraising situation, and I think a lot of Democrat people will just show up, and I think it makes sense for him because you know, there's more money here. People in Wisconsin maybe don't have extra cat and people in LA out of just wanting to fund the Democratic Party will maybe come and sure or if they went, you know, they

It's a school, the Badgery school. Yeah.

It's just when I was a big sky there was a house I was skiing. There was a house in the middle of a ski with a hockey rink and it just said Wisconsin Badgers around the house. I'm like, why does that guy get, this fan of a college team get to have his house in the middle and it must be the actual mascot's house or something.

But I don't understand any of that story.

It's yeah, I's disjoined it and came in a.

Weird time and basically, there's a house in the middle of the ski run.

Yes, it was I know. I'm like, why is that house good to be here?

Like they built everything around it and it.

Was a beautiful big house. Now I think the house came later, that nice house. Yeah.

Oh like a rich guy was like I want to live there, yes, in the middle of everything.

And they're like, okay, you have enough money. I think. I'm used to ski areas where I'm from, being like forest service or Native American land, and you can't just build willy nilly on. You can't do what you want. I think this is private land, okay, and it's that. And then further down the road is the Yellowstone Club, which is like this millionaire that's where Justin Timberlake goes and does his skiing.

Oh yeah, there's the Have you skied there?

No, it's not. It's only for rich people.

You don't not even specialists if you go in there and be like, but I can do tricks, No.

I think because I my tricks serve I'm there of the past.

Oh I'm all trying to alie and stuff.

Yeah, I just I don't have it in me anymore. But hopefully we get to do a comedy festival there next year and then maybe get a Yellowstone Club.

Can I pitch an idea?

Yes, this is how you kind of speaking of smid symbiosis.

You can just mix all these things together.

Yes, the next political candidate that you mock, pick one that also skis, and then you can tour all of the ski resorts in America.

I wish that this had the only thing that's had along those lines was me driving in the snow. I was very horrified, but I got one of our shows was canceled because a blizzard just came, you know, a mid April blizzard. Sure that global climate change.

No, it's that's fake.

Yeah it is, It's not real. It was, yeah, it It would have been nice to have there was already enough to think about. It would be nice though, too. I don't think I'm ever gonna I'm getting out of politics, is what I'm announcing right now.

Whoa, whoa hold on.

The only reason I did it is because I kind of looked like that guy. I'm not gonna try and find anymore. I just wanted to stand.

Up, okay, I mean okay.

It was a fun publicity stunt and it worked and I enjoyed it, and it was hard, and my hair went gray and I got a weird rash. I got a rash under my eyes, I got a chest rash. All these little hairs that are gray hair, those are new because I was an over my head and I was scared.

Yes, but then it went well, it was fun, well at all. I mean that.

I think that's the exchange that you had to make, right.

Yeah, I guess it is. If you want to do a new thing that challenges you to see if you can do it, you have to get hives on your chest, on your hide. I think that I had it everywhere I had, I had bumps everywhere. It's weird how I just react to things.

Oh there's a rummage, Say let that church next weekend? A church over there?

Oh yeah, of course we should rummage through their things. Ooh, another another free bible. Oh a hymnal book.

Oh good, a picture of Jesus crying.

Ooh, look a stack of different Macromee owls.

Ooh, a jar full of regret.

Just a jar filled with regrets and charcoal.

What's that little girl do? Is she by herself?

Nope?

Did you see that little kid? When we were driving to Starbucks? There's a little kid sitting on the sidewalk by himself.

I don't like that.

And then but it turned out all his friends were. It was like he crossed early and all his friends were on the other side of the street and they were all like twelve. But it scared me so bad just see a little kid by himself.

And when we were in the eighties rock every kid was just kicking a rock on the corner, like I wish some strange grown up would pay attention to me. It was every day in my life. It was so normal.

It was standard fair.

You just hung out at an intersection of two dirt roads and waited.

To interact with a stranger.

You just waited.

Didn't have a job, was driving around during the day.

Oh god, that's so scary.

It's insane. Yeah. Child safety is a recent invention.

And it's scared of my heart. Sometimes people can be a little I was paranoid about it. I think that my mom talked about it a lot because every time but I still walked from the daycare place to school. It was just a few blocks. But I think the daycare people just were like looked down the window and they're like, ah, he's fine. They'd watched me walk halfway it was just but I the whole time, I thought I'm gonna get any van. It was always a white van. Any van that went by. I'm like, well, this is

Story about the.

Hustler, the rustlers or tough skins were coming off.

Do you remember that story Julian told us about when he was like six and he was playing at a playground and basically his friend bullied another boy and then his friend left and the dad of the boy they bullied came, grabbed Julian and threw him in the back of a van. But they were driving around to find the other kid. But like Julian was like six and kind of didn't know what was going on. Oh my, he was essentially and for all intents and purposes, kidnapped.

The face, and you're gonna help me find.

Oh yes, And then he just got dropped off at home. He was It was like best case scenario of a kidnapping.

Oh wow. Yeah, it was a very utilitarian kidnapping. It had its purpose, it didn't.

Yes, it was entirely platonic.

That's a weird dad, though. It's like, who needs revenge on a six year old?

That's a meth dad. Or that's a dad that's recently been fired. That's a problem dad.

That was about something else. Yep, that was about a foreman. Was really just mad at your boss, sir. I wish I was that smart of a six I constantly I don't want to go back in time and relive life, but it would be so fun to be six years old and just have our brains just for a day. Ye tell people off and call people out and be like this amazing kid. By the end of the day, you'd make millions of dollars somehow.

Yeah, you'd definitely end up on TV.

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you the story of when I was six and it was the first year I played softball and my sister was two years older than me,

You cheated. You're an adult and you cheated. That's their yelled, like yelled.

It into her face in front of everybody, And my mom said she couldn't stop laughing.

She just had to like walk me away.

That's so great. What do you remember her?

What her response was, Uh no, Because the memories that I have of it, I remember what like softball field it was on. I remember the day, and I definitely remember the feeling of like what this is like a movie of somebody being bad. But I'm confusing her face now with like two other relatives face from my childhood, so she just looks like kind.

Of a mean old lady and I don't remember.

Yeah, yeah, details. That's so great. Yeah yeah, I have so many memories that I don't actually recall. It's just the recollection of my parents telling me my whole life. Yes, and uh yeah, it's I can't think of any examples, but that's so great. That's exactly what I'm talking about. If you could just be all the way an adult and just go back and have days like that where you just called out adults for cheating. Yep, you said

I'm not scared of you.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I'd also have to know an adult have adult sensibilities when it came to physical defending myself.

Oh right.

So I'm also like a little kid who knows karate. Not that I know karate. Now, easy, sir, easy, We're all excited to get our kids home. Yes, but you don't need to be pulling out.

Let's just not go pulling out everywhere.

God, they're all.

God. I hated school.

It's two forty five right now, and all these kids just get out of school, and that is the best feeling ever.

I didn't like school either, It's just all.

I wanted when I was in school was to find out what everyone else was doing. I was obsessed with what people did when all the kids were at school.

Oh, what do you even like kids that weren't at school or people.

I just wanted to know what was happening in my town that, like I wouldn't be able to see because I was stuck at school right.

Right, locked in a room, being for uced to do remedial.

Learning, dupid dumb learning learning, how to tell time? See, every one of these kids has a parent holding their hand. Yeah, And when we were growing up, little kids like that would walk home alone.

That little like those are six year olds.

It's weird. It is weird. I occasionally will see kids out on their own, and I do want to intervene and be like, where are your parents? But then all of a sudden, I'm the kids, I'm the guy.

Now you're in play, you're being observed.

I one time, we were downtown in Missoula, which isn't a huge town, but it's it's It was miles back home and my sister and dad were in the front and I was to get it. I was getting in the car last and they just thought I had gotten in and they drove off without me. I've told you that. It was horrifying.

And I've told you. I mean you've told me, because I have the exact same story too.

Oh right. It was I was the younger. Maybe maybe I was young, but a guy tried to help me, and he was the enemy. When he's like, are you okay? And I was like, leave me alone, You're gonna kill me. He's like, well, I guess the kid's on his own. Kid, I can't yeah, I can't remember how I think my dad once he got home, he freaked out and retraced his steps, and I was just you and it seems like I'd run halfway home, but it was probably a block. And one man tried because I was like, I was frantic.

Yeah, I bet I've been left. They don't want me anymore. Well, that's what happened.

I was in kindergarten and I watched my mom was driving carpool that day and there was like three different families of kids getting in the car and I just was again the last one in, but I didn't like the kids shut the door and I was standing there and the car drove away and then I just immediately burst into tears.

And whatever teacher was standing there was like, Karen, she's going to come back immediately.

And my mom said that they were driving and that she was like, Karen, you're quiet today, because.

Of course I was the big loudmouth. It'd never stop talking.

Honey, you're quiet today. And then nobody said anything. They're like, Karen's not back here.

Sorry, your Jane's rubbing on the Sorry. I yeah, I I never got to go to a had a carpool situation.

Close.

Yeah, I guess that's why. Yeah, small town. Well, and they dropped me off at a house and then I hung out there for a while. I can't remember anything about who. That was an older lady, I think, And then i'd walk from there and then I was in the daycare.

And so you you stopped at a safe house on your way to school.

Yes, it was a halfway out. Well, you know, I spent most of my early childhood hooked on a bevy of barbituitz.

Yeah.

So then you know, they put me in the old little kid halfway house where I lifted little weights and I got a little kid work release program. Yep.

Nice, you got your tats. You earned some respect.

They were Yeah, they were very little kid tats.

Yes.

I just liked the idea of little kid in prison. I mean it's terrible. It's a terrible idea.

Uh, little kids ran it. It would be great.

Yeah, it'd be pretty cute if.

You got if you removed the adult element entirely, that would be it would be straight up bugsy alone.

But prison, that's awesome.

Just a warden and a diaper.

Hold on.

I think we need to mail this idea to ourselves because it's really fucking good and someone's going to steal it.

Little kid prison, Yeah, okay, little kid prison. That's a production of do you need to ride Enterprises?

Yeah? We right now, Elsie. Officially, this is the time stamped.

Digital time stamp.

This is a contract pending announcement our idea little kid prison.

We're driving by a restaurant right now called Well it says happiness you can eat.

Yeah, and then it says hungry Fox.

Hungry Fox, it's all.

They just were throwing tarts at a word board.

Word board, you know those word boards where I think we might be in, like Sun Valley right.

Now, Sun Valley, Utah.

We're way the fuck out of Utah right now.

I hurt my hand hurts.

I stopped shaking it around.

It feels good. It's part of my therapy. No I broke my hand.

Is it really part of your therapy?

No? No, I'm supposed to take it out of this little cast half cast. It's a little Phantom of the opera mask for my hand. But I was skateboarding, and you know, I was worried about my hip. I've been doing all the therapy and everything to get my hip better. And I fell on it and it and in a very dramatic way. I was with all my friends. We're having a good time. My leg felt good. I messed up and I fell. I got a little frustrated, but

Are you turning into a baby?

I think I'm turning into a It's a weird hybrid old man baby. I am aging, but I'm also becoming the size of a baby. So I'm shrinking and I'm getting my arms are getting fatter, and my face is getting rounder, but I'm still wrinkling, okay, and still on the inside my organs are aging great.

And then you also still wore glasses.

Yes, that's the other thing. And my vision has gone downhill in the last two weeks where I read this flat Jack Pancake mixed box because it's racist, as Paul right. I used to read this box all the time. I'll do that here, and months ago I could read it. I could not read it. It just all and yet like yesterday I noticed I was like looking at my phone and I'd have to hold it away. I've had seventeen twenty one vision or whatever, I've had better than it's been so good. I've never had to learn what

Well you are are you like thirty eight?

I'm a forty three year old man.

Are you Chris?

Yeah, you look good. Well, come on, I mean on this outside.

But my eyes are where it matters.

Wrinkley old man.

I feel like.

Because normally it's around in your late thirties, but maybe you just you got to keep it a little while longer.

But yeah, that's what happened to me.

Where my sister, because she's two years older, she always had worse vision than me, and I just tracked right in her wake of my vision failing in the same time frame hers did. So she'd be like, oh, you're gonna need contact lenses next year. Oh wow, Like I think when you when there's somebody else that's like older than you, right, and you know what's going on. It's like, oh, it's more obvious, squinting.

I have to ask my sister Lisa.

Yeah, communicate with Lisa more.

I think that you're right. I should anyway. It doesn't have to be about our eyeballs.

No, you can talk about hips. You can talk about skateboarding.

Lisa, are you getting our mother's hip? It's inevitable. I'm wearing all her old jeans now.

Because you don't have her hips. You have a jean.

Look at me, jazz dance I love. I love Rob Cruise. I don't know. She used to go to see a guy named Rob Quist.

He was like a boyfriend.

No, maybe hell Ooh it's Armenian.

Oh genocide, that's great.

Ide appreciation her Commemoration Day appreciation. Oh god, No, raising money for cancer to help promote cancer.

I'm against cancer.

Oh wait, okay, I.

Don't want to raise money for it.

I had the wrong idea.

I guess my pool man, and I know it's a brag. I try not to talk about the poolman that much.

Oh is he the guy with the little shorts that you're always whipping him with a towel.

I have to say my Poolman is hot. He's not young, but he is. He's very manly Armenian man. But he's also the loveliest. And there were times when I was super broke, like a couple of years ago. There was one time he showed up and I was like, I will have a check for you next week, and he was just like.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Like it's on him or I'm like, it's what you do for a lif that's right. But anyway, he showed up at my house yesterday when he normally comes Tuesday, and he said, I come, I come today because tomorrow is their Armenian genocide.

And you made it sound like it was happening tomorrow or right, right.

Well we have to do something. They're stopping.

Why are you cleaning pools today?

Yet?

No.

We were podcasting the last time where I was wondering why all these flags were waving and we were driving through Glendale and it was they were everywhere. Yeah, the flags not they not. P I don't say that about people, especially when I'm talking about something like a genocide. Yeah, guess the flags were everywhere because the people were also.

Because because Glendale has the highest percentage of Armenian population in anywhere in the world other than Armenia.

Did you know that that does make sense?

But wow, yeah, that's where pretty much everybody that lives in.

Do you think Glendale's I think.

Yeah, it's per capita concentration not or is it a numbered like just sheer numbers.

I got to get into my analytics.

Yeah, we gotta, we gotta get into that encyclopedia. Brian, do you remember how expensive encyclopedias were when someone had come door to door and your parents are gone. They come in, they eat some of the food, everything else that's blurry. You have to write a check, you have to fort your dad's signature. It's for hundreds of dollars and it's missing. I gotta getcl The N and M N through M was never that book was always gone.

That's the most popular book.

Mollusks, muskets, fucking Mickey Mouse.

You pulled out my whiskey. You pulled out my whiskey. Laugh, Oh the oh you thought of so many good ms, real quick, good fun time.

There is truly a ton of Armenian gen People just are driving around the flags because they're they're commemorating it.

Oh, no, it's a car accident.

No, this is a commemorative car accident.

This is the real deal.

Wow. I don't think they should be fighting.

Please don't fight. She's gesturing a lot.

Yeah, yeah, they're doing a lot. She's like, but I don't understand why you ran into me. I understand how, but why why did you do it? Yeah, she's taking advantage of how. That's a nice man. I don't or maybe it's the other way around. It could be that way. Let's go, let's turn around and square things out. For I'm a guy coadjuster.

You stand over there.

Everything you say from this point forward will be representing you me in a court of law. I don't know all the words. Sit down, ma'am.

This is our new podcast, Yes, Imed and your Sergey doul Her and the comedy that comes forth.

With When I had my epic rear ending days before we started in your old fit, and it was the the interrogation that happened afterwards, it was one of the most I'm like, no one's gonna get take control over my brain and make me say the wrong thing. But god, she was really good at it, and we really were at a little table with a bright light. Wait, I thought your head went forward and then back. You're saying the whiplash went back and then forward, because before it

I think I'm sure he did.

I still follow him on Twitter, but I never said anything to him. He's a trainer. He lives in Denver.

Now.

Oh yeah, his dad's a male clinic doctor. Yeah, I know exactly what he looks like. He's in great shape, he's been working on his cardio. He's lost a bunch of weight.

Oh my god, it's the guy I'm scared right now of you.

Well, I was looking for the right time to be like, hey, now that you lost some weight, give us money. I do. I do. I am a little weird when I hear I'm like so and so this guy killed someone, or there's you know, I find them on Facebook and I look at their pictures because the no they they're just people and you can find them whenever. It's like so and so murdered someone in Texas, and then I look it up Texas, look up their name. There they are

Dick. Maybe you're not that smart.

Maybe maybe maybe I think that's probably what it is. I mean, yeah, and the bear, I have to say his bear situation. I really because all of his pictures, it was like, I know what year they all happened.

It's so crazy that you can get that detail.

Yeah, And the only reason it took four years is because the snake thing happened a long time ago. But the bear in the shark that was like this year. Yeah, and the bear his head teeth when.

Bears are so scary, they're monsters.

In the in the article that I read, it's just like, yeah, grabbed me and dragged me a few feet and my friend scared him away. But no, I saw on his Facebook right next to uh, don't tread on me flags, which I think is a gun thing. They there was like full on teeth marks in his head and like crushy.

Skull time shit.

Yeah. Ryan Seacrest has a terrible smile.

Well it's quite empty.

It's an empty smile.

As you look at that picture, there's billboard.

We're in the part of Los Angeles and we drive out here a lot where there's just weird, random billboards for things that either you've never heard of or you would never watch, like Ryan Seacrest's KIS radio show. Yeah yeah, and he the picture that we were just looking at. He looks like a middle aged housewife who got some face work done.

Yeah. He's got the same smile as Vana White. It's so strange.

Yeah, and the eyes are dead.

Yeah, Ryan, he was our number one fan secretly until this ball. Yeah.

Probably, you know, I think about that all the time. What if Seacrest was a big listener.

If that's true, I would say, stop sexually assaulting people?

Oh really yeah, Oh cressed out, get out?

Get out?

Really we're kind of it.

Oh his wardrobe person had there's Yeah, it's very bad.

Wow.

And that's the kind of thing they do, not like somebody like Bryan Seacrest, where he's literally hosting five huge conglomerate based things.

He doesn't have time to date.

You got to speed, you got to grab a clivers near you.

Maybe I could pencil you in right now. Put down my face makeup? How I heard my help out?

But no, I don't. I don't want to because you have dead eyes. Yeah, and the smile of a lizard. Yes, yes, it is a lizard like it was very reptilian. Look at these two. What you're doing? Oh this is the airport? Oh yeah, Oh we're jet sweet.

Let's drive out on the tarmac.

That's where rich people go to take their little jets.

Oh sure. You know though, my manager Jessica, who's the best, And she ran the whole Paul Ryan thing and it went very thank god. She did it all for yeah's but her husband flies and they got a plane for like sixteen thousand bucks, like the price of a car. And they use these airports. There's no like charge. They fly around all the time on a regular person's budget.

That's awesome.

They're like, do you want to go to Palm Springs? We have a little plane.

I'm like what, you know what?

She made a real good moot. Well, because if he's the pilot, you're done. That's all you need.

You got the pilot.

He flies for fun. He just flies around. God.

Also, pilots are so did you hear the recording of the Southwest pilot and she she was having to report in to air traffic Control because part of the.

Engine fell out.

No, God no, and she's like cool as a cucumber and basically lands this Southwest flight.

Did it just happen? Yeah, In the the explosion of that engine was a person. And this is the worst. Is this partially partially sucked out of the plane partially?

Is this true?

Yeah? It did just happened. An engine blew up. It caused a momentary something with the pressure, but a person was partially pulled from the plane, which means and they later passed. All you have to do is hear the word partially though, and it's like, wow, everyone on that plane saw something terrible that day.

Wait a second, Yes, the plane because of the explosion, had a window go out and somebody got sucked out partially.

But I know all you have to do is google the word partially an airplane. There aren't pictures. I've already been to graphic. I mean, this person.

Passed because I thought for a second you were saying sorry, but I thought you were saying that they were hiding in the airplane engine and that's the partial.

No, they were just sitting there.

Asking for peanuts and all of a sudden, Now good.

That never happens. We need if you're on a plane right now. You need to know that you're safer in your Yes.

Thank you for listening while in the skies.

But you know that's crazy.

It makes me want to have an aisle seat from now on.

You gotta put that seatbelt on.

He and it was such a detailed text about what he experienced. I will show it to you later. But my friend was on a plane and he heard commotion up front. People kind of cried out and in a way that they were scared, and there there was just a little bit of like turbulence for a second. But then he said he looked up and there was like red jelly or something on hitting the ceiling. He said, it looked like someone was squirting, and he's like, oh God,

Yeah, so awful.

It was so awful, and he said it was. He's like, and this is going to sound makeup, made up and insanely like everything he prefaced it with. I know that sounds crazy, So I believed all of it, and I yes.

And you acknowledge how insane your lie is.

Yes, and it's it's gonna sound crazy. But then some translucent bird friends with angel wings on top of their regular wings.

Carried off his soul double wings.

I'm telling you, I saw it all two Eyesctuary, there's all.

These weird like all of a sudden, there's a really nice store and we're out by the fucking dumps. Yeah, like we're out by like the places where you can buy scrap metal.

But then there's a Sanctuary store and.

Another castle themed building to lure children. Yes, just like in our first episode's.

Right Electra Sonic. Yes, I do.

What is what happens at Electro son.

No, but I bet you have some cheap real estate.

Yeah, it's an interesting area and what what sanctuary?

Uh, it's well from what I remember, I think it's a clothing label, so that was like a It was basically.

Like a kind of fancy women's clothing store, but out by the railroad track. Weird, very odd.

Maybe they do manufacturing there.

Perhaps it's a factory outlets, Yes, one of the factory outlets.

I had vivid dreams and then memories from the dream, which is I love when that happens, because usually I don't dream, and I figure it's because my brain is we don't have I've been reading a lot about Alzheimer's research. By the way, they're getting very close. I don't think we have to worry about anything.

That's what my sister's told me.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been sent many articles and it's it's good news. We're gonna be fine.

Okay.

Yeah. Anyway, I had a dream of very about the Spree factory outlet and my sister yes, and my sister insisting ongoing yes, and me sort of being excited too because I knew it was like cool clothes, and but she kind of lied to me and said, well, it's unisex, it's girls, it's girls. Yeah, but I did. Did you just dig through bins? And it was like a free for all, you know, two three five dollar items, no four dollar items though. Well.

And also a big thing about going to the spree outlet was everyone in the all the girls in barrier. I knew there was a chance if you went to the spree outlet and the end you got spotted, you might get asked to model in the next year's catalog. Really so yeah, because there were girls that we knew or that were like from our hometown or whatever that that happened to.

Oh wow.

Even me, who was pretty much the most average American looking girl when I was like twelve, got this idea in my head that if I went there, I could be a model.

Yeah, if you doll up and like pick out of the bins, not seductively but picture esquees, yes.

And kind of a be a spree to corway right right, Yeah, that's.

What it was so insane and my mom the whole time, my mom was like, can you just pick something so we can go, And I was just like, hold.

On, there's cameras in here. This is like an audition to get seen. Yeah, of course you'd been there, that's totally your stomping grounds.

Well, and also you're just I think are the same age, and that is that kind of shit where like only people from basically who grew up in the mid eighties. Yeah, like a Spree is nineteen eighty six one.

Yeah, it's it was cool though. It was always cool stuff. I liked it. I want I'd wear her hand me downs. I wore some of Spree stuff.

It's all good.

No one called me out. No, those are girls clothes. I like, look at my hair. I bleached my bangs and cut the rest of my hair, so I just have a starfish of bangs.

And then you had like what like some leggings with little stars, maybe blue legs with some stars.

Yeah, I think just a sweatshirt with a Spree logo. I didn't get into the lower the leggings and the socks and the leg warmers and what have you.

Didn't do a little mini leg warmers.

I did the tops. I did all the tops. Well.

The Spree logo was cool too, because the remember the E didn't have them.

It's just three lines.

That's nice design.

It was a good design. It's very eighties.

And also light pastel rainbow.

Oh yeah, there was a lot of pastels.

It was all about that pastel and neon.

I think they right, didn't It was mostly pasteli right, I don't know.

Let's go down a detour.

Yeah, let's do it.

Bound out, stand out, stand out, Dinna.

I want to get some spree clothes. Why don't they bring it back? They should, It would do great well.

Also, there's lots of like in women's clothing, there are there are leggings like these leggings that I have on right now. I wore these leggings when I was in like freshmen in high school. They were a spree where they're just basically well shaped sweatpants that aren't like floppy at the bottom.

They just come down to a cuff like. That's all I wore when I was in high school.

And the only thing they're missing, probably incorrect me if I'm wrong, is a little stirrups at the bottom.

That's right, I had those two.

Yeah, yeah, they keep your leggings for people realize quickly though, that leggings there is no thread of them climbing up. No, it's like no need for their stirrup.

No, not unless you're excuse me, unless you are.

So tall and thin that the width.

Of your calves and the width of your thighs are the same, and that those pants are just going to go straight up. There's no like For me the way like stirrup pants weren't good because I had more of a.

Big thighs, so that that downward.

Pull it was always it always felt like I was being pulled.

Well, I hopefully everyone's legs are kind of trying like taper down to it what you described before, like a person with the same with calf and thigh. That's a skin. That's a stilt legged. That's the only person I know to be like that is Olive Oil the cartoons.

Right, Well, that was the way you were supposed to look in the eighties. That was the look.

Like like Shelley Duvall.

My sweatshirt.

Oh oh, ship, explain to me now speaking of Popeye and we are gonna we're diving deep?

Okay?

Why is there Bluto? And then and then Brutus? What what happened? Why is there?

Brutus is from Shakespearean?

Played is no remember Papa Buddhist? Pretty good, Papa, what's happening?

I went down the worst possible get in.

That's how Papa used.

To talk, right, just making noises.

When I live a tig. I would always do that voice and the ship with me I didn't. It wasn't even very good, but for some reason she liked it. And then I was in the alley and my neighbor introduced himself, I am your neighbor, and I was like, hi, No, I'm like sorry, I'm James. I introduced myself as pop EyeT. That's how deep into character I get.

It's good.

I won't break out. You can even come and shake my hand.

I would like at some kind of a fact check though, on this Blueto Vertus thing, because I don't think Brutus was a part of pop life.

It's just, yeah, I think I know what I'm talking about. Maybe not, I think Bluto because I used to confuse him for Pluto, which is of course a dog and Goofy. You know, I know, Pluto Goofy. There's a confusion there sometimes, right.

But.

Yeah, Brutus was there. At some point they had to change his name. Maybe it was like I'm gonna sue you and they're like, okay, well name him Bluto or the other way around. But it was always the guy with a big black goatee beard that was jagged like a like a poorly open canna spinach. Similar line work. Someone who drew me. Someone drew me some feathers as fingers, and it was very It was a study.

It's multi feather fingers.

Yeah. Yeah, anyway, thank you for that.

Would they mail it to you?

It was on Twitter. That's any interaction really isn't in real life?

True? Here's our Median genocide again.

Oh wow, they're really respect What do you do there's going to be an event or do you just kinda drive around with the flags?

Well?

They I one time. They usually have like parade like things. Move up, friend, they have kind of parading things.

Yeah, I wonder why you won't move up. It's part of the commemoration in front of you. Oh he's actually he's looking down.

I'm not honking on our Median genocide.

Oh exactly.

I was going to dive in front of the wheel if you were thinking about it.

One time, I was.

On the podcast and I turned a corner and I walked into an Armenian genocide like commemorative parade.

Did you grab your collar and go this?

I spun the spun on one heel and ran in place for a little while. But I mean they do have parades, was the point of that an?

Yeah, yeah, I think that maybe we just don't know where it is. We aren't invited.

Yes, it's not about us.

I'm just a generic old gringo.

Yeah, your time has passed. No one wants to inform you of anything anymore.

I really am getting old.

Sorry for the bad news.

Yeah, I know my time has passed. I can't even read my pancake box.

Anymoreos Man.

Gringo comes from a song with the lyrics green grows the grass or something something?

Is that true? Where'd you get that fact?

There's also a Greek there's two different things I saw online. But then the people that do my lawn because you have a pool person, I have a lawn and garden person. It's part of the rental company. But they're they're company is called green Grows Lawn Services. And I asked the guy and he was like, yep, that's where the word green grow greeno comes from. Is from green grow some song that people sang during the Revolutionary War, some sort of Spanish American war. That makes more.

Sense, And it's the things that white people it's the song white people sang.

Yeah. And then so the Mexican folks were like, well, the Gringos are coming from them and their stupid song that they sang at nauseum because it's on the Billboard charts this year.

That's funny.

Yeah, But then I looked up and Gringo actually has Greek roots. So it could be a rumor, It.

Could be lots of different explanations.

It could be just another story my dad, another yarn my dad spun, Like you know, Albert Broccoli from James Bond invented broccoli.

Oh yeah, that's such a dad fake fact.

But the guy's family did, they were farmers.

Well, that it's all that matters then.

And broccoli no, I mean the broccoli really was a thing that started in the fifties. Like before that, it was just cauliflower and then whatever they spliced it with. But broccoli is a new vegetable.

I didn't know that. Yeah, you're full of facts today, Chris.

Well, I mean, if I can't be funny because that part of my brain isn't working today, let's talk about Boli misfiring. I really, you know, I spent a lot of my funny juice on the on the tour, and then I'm just.

Like want to be you must be relieved it's over.

I am relieved.

And then it went great.

It went great, especially by the last show. It was like the first one was a practice show and it was like a smaller venue. Chicago was great because everyone was in on it and I loved it awesome, but then a blizzard came right but I was I was wanted it to go well at the at Madison, a comedy club on State. It's my favorite place, and a bunch of people came and it was great. We figured it out by then love it.

And then I retired from politics because when you first told me you were doing a live show b of an impression you've never done before, see politically based. Yes, like everything about it, I was like, this is giving me the worst stomachache.

Of all time.

And it did what more.

Yes, It's almost like you went straight into the eye of the most contentious place that you could go, which is American politics. Yes, and then tried went and made jokes about it, and then it went good.

I feel like I realized quickly that the audience didn't necessarily they weren't there to fact check everything I was going to say, and I just needed to make sure I had jokes, so.

Once they just wanted entertained.

Yeah, and it was really fun, and it was like I forgot how much I enjoyed just being asked a question and then bullshit answering and that kind of improv I is in my wheelhouse and no one was there to remind me yep, And then I was doing this and I'm like, oh, this is the easy part is not knowing what these people are going to ask.

That's that's fun. That's the fun.

Yeah, And it's what makes this fun what we do. But today I just, you know, I just I feel like I've been not as funny as other days. That's okay.

No, we do different we do different gears, we're different, we're complex people.

Yeah. So you know, last night I was going to bed.

I just want to I was searching and searching on TV and on my recordings and everything. I just wanted to watch something pretty looking that was quiet and I couldn't fucking find everything had screaming in it or some kind of like paced up shit, and I just wanted to look at something and like have it relaxed me?

Like will the outdoor o.

R?

That's okay, that's that's what it sounds like when we we harmonize. Right before our car wreck, jesaid, I don't know how to harmonized.

Uh, that was so irritating.

Yeah, that's what people do all the time in LA. I think it's because everyone's stowed all the time. Is people come to a full fucking stop. They don't, but they don't get out of the way. They just like kind of stop driving and adjust to what's going on with them and not think about the people behind them.

Yeah, totally. Also that that pedestrian is being very disrespectful.

Yes, that was a will.

That was a goth pedestrian, and they're they're out there to show disrespect.

Yeah, they're just looking down thinking about how they hate their dads.

They're just showing the world you're my dad and I hate you everything.

But I but we we we we Oh, yes, we have different we have different gears and tay, we're in a different.

Gear because also sometimes what I love about podcasts is that, like when I'm trying to get my ship done the morning, like doing dishes and doing right cleaning my house, I like to stick in and people like I think we'd we undervalue just plain little conversation because we're comics and we're so like funny laugh, I want what I want to make you do the old weeze laugh, right, that's our goal between each other.

But like it's a laugh contest.

We don't.

It's it's a wait till you're done talking so I can talk contest, which is how we are as comics. But there are some people who are just like I like two people talking to each other, right, yeah, you know they must because it's fucking all.

This is totally yeah. Maybe, yeah, maybe I think people like the wheezy laughing though, well, yeah, we should start faking it.

Okay, just say whatever.

Now it hurt when you fake it.

Don't push it to RD because you can get a HERNIAU.

Yeah, I think it till you at first. I love her early work. One chosen a Candace Vergeon. No, I'm thinking of Ellen Barkin. I'm thinking of Maria Conta a loto.

You mean Maria Callis.

Yeah, I'm thinking of Marie calendars. And they're different.

Pies you're thinking of, uh, a chicken pot pie. God damn it, why did my brain stop entirely on chicken pop pie.

I'm sorry. We have a little contest.

I just happened.

I just won that round.

You drove me into a wall with that chicken pop pie Marie Calendar's reference.

To think it even came late.

You should not be right there.

You say something like chicken pot pipe, or at least come out immediately. Not only did that come out late, it was a stinker. Oh I went too far.

No, it's okay.

I needed to cook it like a chicken popeye for twelve minutes.

Why do I realize that? Can't stop thinking about Jimmy Pardo because he has a chicken pot pie joke.

He does.

I love chicken pot pie soup with a roof. You break it open and there's stuff inside. It's like ice fishing, except it's hot, so it's nothing and there's no fish. It's nothing like ice fishing. It's the best. It's pot pie soup, bit soup with the roof, soup with a roof. And he did this thing with his hand. I'm it's probably a joke. It's funny that you remember jokes of people's that are like fifteen years old. He probably doesn't even do it anymore.

I bet he doesn't, although that's when he can pull out if he's doing dinner theater right or at the table at home.

Right, it works for it works for any occasion except the table at home probably has heard it last time yet?

Soup right?

Or pie?

Yeah, I'm sure the family's sick of it. Yeah, I bet Daniel Kane doesn't make super or pie because she doesn't want to hear that joke anymore.

If we can end this podcast on anything, it's that, you know, Jimmy Partero's whole family is sick of him.

I will tell my favorite Daniel Kane joke. If you want to do other people's bits.

I haven't. It's been so long since I've seen her do stand up out. I know.

She's so good and so funny. She does a lot of writing, Yeah, she's a big writer. But I like she used to do a joke. She would say that she had both of her parents were actors. Her father famously was oh, joke off.

On start jo, I always forget that. Yeah, it's the coolest thing and he's the sweetest ever.

Yes, So her joke was because her mom was also an actress, and it was really irritating because they were the kind She was the kind of mom when she'd they'd be like, come on, mom, can we have dessert?

And her mom would go, there's.

Fresh bananas on the counter, and she did the voice of her mom in a theatrical.

Like they never did it, like she couldn't they couldn't have deserved. They weren't like normal people at all.

Like, so if they want to desert, well, there's fresh bananas on the counter.

That's weird. Someone else, I can't remember if it's a friend or a comedian or someone wanting dessert and their mom going there's a apples and celery in the crisper. It was like someone's that's funny. Yeah, maybe I'm thinking of her joke. I don't know, but that's it.

Then you rewrote it to apples and celery when I went to there.

I went to her parents' house once for something for a party, okay, and Walter Knag had a room of toys, like not just Star Trek toys. He it was the coolest thing ever and he was so proud of it. And he showed me all of these old Star track to all these sci fi toys from the back in the forties some of them, and it was the cool and it was like nicely arranged and there was like glass cases. It was really cool and it was cute how he was like super into showing them off.

Yeah, I really like, I love it very nice.

I love those people that are like they're legends, you know what I mean? And then like in real life they're actually cool.

They're not.

Oh yeah he had no, he was not like he was just excited about it like a fan. Oh of like he was a fan, but it's him. Yeah, it was really Yeah, he's real cool. So here's the Canan Cardos.

Oh, now that we're back at my house, I can't honk because of my races.

Oh right, it's okay.

You know, up another rock.

I'm doing a mouth worn doesn't come up a lot anymore. So I like to end with one.

Oh great, Yes, what a great opportunity for you.

You've been listening. Do you need a ride? Do you why?

In?

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a urmanol and gay. We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her was it.

Fine, Melbourne.

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need a ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Cress mm hmm