Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?
Either way, we want to be there.
Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.
We want to send you off InStyle. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.
We scared her? Was it fine? Melborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Ride? Do you need with? Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
This is Chris Fairbanks, This is Karen Kilgareth.
I am, I'm sorry that I sound like a dusty, dusty cowboy off in.
A field, a dusty broom. Chris has allergies. Everybody, and if you're sensitive to snot as MR type of stuff into your microphone, you're about to get everything you love and more.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry that I sound like dusty Buffalo Springfield, But I am I don't. Everyone always says, oh, have you tried Clareton, Have you tried sinus metic? Have you tried allergy? Yes? Of course I have and it doesn't work.
But have you tried blowing your nose so hard it might work.
Have you tried blowing it so hard that it begins to bleed?
Yes?
Check, Actually, yes, I've done that a couple of times.
I don't know. And then the minute that I need to deal with it, I you know, it goes away and then I don't have to deal with it for a couple of weeks. It's not that steady. But today, man, I don't know what it is. There's no wind.
There's no wind, but it looks like the air is just kind of sitting here in a gross hangaround way.
There's just no rhyme or reason. You know what. I can stump any allergy expert, which is anyone you talk to. I'm allergic to the actual ocean. I go to the beach and I just everything blocks up.
Is that true?
The breeze coming from our sea, the whale dander, and the fish I have like a fish air. Yeah, I'm allergic to to fish in a different way. Most people can't eat fish or shellfish. But I just the wind of it, the wafting of it.
You can't breathe fish.
I can't breathe. I can't inhale fish.
I have a theory about why this happens to you, Okay, please, Do you think it's possible that when you get to the beach the air is so much cleaner. It's almost like you're, you know, one of those sinus saline poor things where you have stuff going one nostril out the other. Maybe the air is actually cleansing your sinus cavity.
Right, and in cleansing, it's actually a terrible experience, it is. Yeah, maybe it's a giant netty pot.
I'm right, that's the word I'm thinking.
Because those, yeah, I have no luck with those either. But it just in last night, I went to the end of the meltdown of Venue in Town. They had their final party night, and everyone was yelling. It was just a room of cos yelling. Right.
That's what every comedian party is, it really is, you.
Know, And I think that it's why we have so much more fun and we can relax without a guest in the car, because even during all those conversations, I realized it is a bunch of people all at once trying to be funny or interesting and that so it makes you yell.
Yeah, there's there's not a lot of choreography to it. With most comics, it's just if they wait till you're almost done talking and then they just start talking about right. Yeah, that's the common practice.
I mean, I listen to this podcast and I am listening to you, but I do I'm like, oh, I know what she's saying.
Cut you no, But that's our I think that's our comedic rhythm. I think we do it well.
Yeah, you and I have a back and forth that everyone else wants the same kind of back and forth. But really they're interrupting.
That's right. You can't force back and forth.
We hate that's rape. We hate other comedians. Oh you can't. You have to consensually have a conversation.
Yeah, you have to be a fucking normal human being. God for fucking bid everybody.
Last night was It's a lot of nice people that I haven't seen in a long time. But I was exhausted, and I think it made me lose my voice. That's my story.
I could, Oh yeah, because you probably had to talk up here.
I like it. And it was and there's music in the background and I'm deaf and.
You're crying because the meltdown's closing.
Oh, I was so so sad.
That I do I have loved performing at Meltdown though. The it's always great and the audiences there you just can't, uh, you can't argue with a place that packs good audiences every day, like people who genuinely love comedy.
I think that it was that way for a while, and lately there there's so many shows there that that at least the ones I've been doing where it's just a dozen.
People, Oh yeah, yeah.
That it for me, that place kind of tapered off emotionally, not abruptly, like it did for a lot of people. Right yeah, yeah, because everything.
Ends, you know, you know, it's a cyclical business that we're in where this could definitely be a winter.
People everything, not even just in life. We all die, you know.
Yeah, we are going to definitely die, yeah and soon.
So it's as when people are sad about that thing ending or a business, I always like to bring up the fact that we're gonna die.
Yeah, and so really don't hold onto that one business ending, because your your business is about to fucking act.
Yeah. One day, your lungs are going to foreclose on your brain.
So you better live it up slowly.
As you said, fluid is collecting in your lungs you don't know it. Just there's a little wheezy noise.
You can't tell that you're slowly drowning inside yourself.
You are. There's a swimming pool inside you, and your organs have no arm floating.
Oh so sad. It's the saddest summer inside you right now?
When are you going to start writing these songs? It's sad as summer inside you. Oh wow, we got a honker.
We got a honker behind us. The person in front of us as being a real Sunday driver. The person behind us clearly has an Easter dinner or lunch. It's only noon, yeah, to get to Yeah, we're trapped in the middle, like that wonderful song from the seventies.
No fuck now, our fault, Let's have a fight.
I think the person behind us is probably involved in the Armenian and mafia. From what I can see. It's a very fancy black BMW. Sure, and the woman in the passenger seat has bright blonde hair.
Oh wow, yeah, yeah I can see that as well.
So I think there's some there's some power moves happening behind us. Oh wait, no, it's a Toyota.
You're right, we definitely should slow down and see where this goes.
Pull up that AK forty seven that I haven't yet.
Yeah, it would be great if he actually just drove past us and hit your side window with a biplog.
But from his car, it's the same guy. He finally got a car.
He just goes two dollars.
I want my two dollars.
That guy on the bike scared us.
Guys, if you haven't seen better off dead, Oh yes, he's passing people on the.
Left, revealing that it's just a camry.
You fall for a black camera in this town. Was amazing, thinking it's impressive. Yeah, he was driving straight toward that car coming toward us.
That was amazing.
He doesn't have time on Easter Sunday now, Chris. It is Easter Sunday. Happy Easter, everybody.
Oh yes, happy day that the I believe he rose.
He did rise up from the dead.
Or he's risen? Or is he rising? I forget the tents.
On Easter Sunday. He had done rows, already done done, God, he did it well. Nobody was looking. Apparently the rock got rolled back. Okay, he's not there.
This is you are describing a zombie situation.
That's right. Then when right as you walk into the cave to go Jesus, he bites you in the net and then you're also undead with him forever now.
And then out out from your neck comes a creamy like cat Mary. And that's the story of Jesus.
And that's what's drowning you. Actually, all this time.
It has been it is the whoops.
I thought my thing fell, but it didn't. Sorry, then I talked directly into my microphone.
It's quite all right everything, you know. That's what would this podcast be without some audio.
Foibles, without some major hits on the mics.
It took me a while to realize it's a rabbit. It's this. It's gonna sound dumb, but the rabbit is delivering the hiding eggs. And for the longest time I'm like, sure that makes sense, but it really doesn't. Know, you know, there's chickens are the ones.
That lay eggs right right?
Why is a rabbit? Why is a rabbit the middleman to this egg delivery? And why what? How is do you know the even symbolic uh thing?
Besides that, I believe I do. Okay, Well, first of all, you know, rabbits kind of symbolize spring because that's when what's happening. Sir, I'm not gonna be a honker, but this man stopped at a green light. Rabbits symbolize spring rebirth. That's what's the Easter is all about. Is Jesus being rising again. Is his rebirth for our sity. He died for our sins. Now he's up at the right hand father,
fucking taking care of business. We can just ask, we can just say we're sorry for doing really shitty things, and we get forgiven. That's the setup. Symbolism is that rebirth. In baby chickens, bunnies, whatever, they can't have the easter chicken delivering eggsay, is that, well, they're they're eggs, So that's gross. It's like, that's like someone you know what I mean, away.
Their babies, just going to different firehouses. Yeah, leaving their babies.
And going here. This is fine, but so you need a middleman in that situation. Also, people don't really like chickens. They're not that cute. Baby chicks are kind of cute, but they can't get the job done right hold that whole basket.
Yeah, you know, you need.
A full grown mail rabbit with a with a bow tie on and a vest.
Right, Well, if that's my point though, if you're gonna go so far as to dress up, you know, the bow tie in vest, you might as well think about how wings can be anthropomorphized and become fingers, thereby allowing a wing to become a hand, much like when Donald Duck it's flying and then he lands and then put then all of a sudden he grabs a rifle. Yes, you know those fings. It's those feathers become fingers. Sometimes.
I've even seen some animation detail where there's a little fingernail on the tip of the feather wing finger and it's like, it's horrifying. You can't just make it suddenly a hand.
Well, yeah, that's very Then you're going into some kind of a hybrid animal that's no longer a normal chicken. If there's fingers on the feathers. No, then now this is a scientific experiment gone wrong. Yeah, then you don't know what the story is anymore. Yeah an easter? Are we on the fucking island of Doctor Moreau? What's happening?
You know what I'm gonna do is cut for a second and put a new battery in and tell you what.
I don't like about what you just said.
We're going to discuss what you just said. We'll be right back. We'll be right back, and we're back. I was tough to hear you sound better. Oh okay, yeah, yeah, I needed to. You know, there's some peeking whenever it goes to the red here. If you know anything about sound engineering, which I know you do, that's usually there's like a popp or crackle. But sometimes you need they just the levels need to be there.
It's true. Well, and you know I'm a loud talker, so don't be afraid to ride those dials. What is it called? Ride the ones and two?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I'm just I'm just uh, well, I think we're I don't know where I've driven us now.
I don't know where we are.
I love it though.
It's the hill here before, have we Yes, it's the hills of Glendale.
This seems familiar.
It's like kind of cool old mansions and then uncool new mansions. Yes, and a lot of white mercedesse It's cities.
Look at I mean that church is solar I love it.
Oh my god, that's you know, that's Ed Begley's church.
I wish I just I just invented the next It shouldn't be a rabbit, it should be just kind of grumpy and he wants to talk to kids about global warming, and.
Isn't it it's just lightly cracked?
H who's aggly? Bagel Face? Oh that's I think Matt Bronger as a joke about finding in a phone book someone named bagel Face. There's no way apparently a real person and they called him it is it's it's his ready stonellis Oh right, Okay, I'm.
Still riding those ones and two.
Yeah, there's just there's always something going on.
Well, we're going to get Stephen, our podcast engineer for My Favorite Murder, to come and be our podcast engineer for Do you need to write that he is.
The best news I've heard in a long time? Does this make you know?
This is I?
I leave with feelings of guilt, I because I frankly, Karen, I don't know. I never did the research. I just bought this thing. I'm like, how do I the very first time, the way I did it, that's the way I still do it. Yeah, And last time, I don't know what happened, but there were ghosts in them their sound waves and.
We each took to one side right right, right.
Which some people enjoyed. You know what if most people say when are you doing the next episode? And I'm like, I don't know, But if one person says I like it when you guys don't have a guest, I'm like, perfect that one person has dictated it's a whole show, because that makes things easier.
Yep.
And one person also said she enjoyed how it was in stereo.
Oh well, then we never have to look again. But I think once we have you know, we have Stephen, you don't have to worry about that part so much. Then we'll be free to riff.
I it'll be wonderful. It's gonna be when I have nothing to do but think of what I'm gonna say next, just sitting in a chair with my hands in front of me, and it's going to be the best.
Imagine. It's gonna be your birthday.
You say it's mine?
Yeah, I do, say it's your Burt. Why would they do?
My name is John Jacob Jingle.
Oh my god, that song is all involve of John Jacob Jingle. It is. Do you have a bit about that?
No?
No, that's hilarious.
I should. Maybe I'll have Paul Ryan say something I can't. I can't. All I do is think about Paul Ryan. I have those shows coming up, ye, And that's it's it's not healthy to think about someone all the time that you're not a fan of.
So that's very true. You're now seeing the world through the filter of Paul Ryan. This must be a living nightmare.
And I've just got to quit doing this research. I'm quit reading Iinrand and all this everything I'm doing is bumming me out. It is. I knew it would, and it is. So I'm just gonna dress like him and look like him and and saying you say, it's your birthday. Do you ever think about how that's like John Jacob Jamie Leamer Smith type jokes that I would say, but while looking like Paul Ryan and not get as political it as I had planned.
Just uh, just say stuff like that. But you're wearing a tie, right, and then just collect up your all your cash earnings.
Well, what I'm gonna it will be very really realistic in that I will have my talking points, which are actually Chris Fairbanks talking points. So when political questions are asked of Paul Ryan, I will bring it back to me just being Chris Fairbanks. Does that makes sense?
It's the perfect plan?
Yeah it is. And uh yeah, and let's off a lot of pressure.
Yeah. I mean, look like you're saying, it's like, nobody's expecting you to fucking rich Little the fuck out of this and somehow become a different personal.
Is there anyone better than rich Little?
That's why no one expects you? Because the answer to that is absolutely not. It's so it's yeah, hey, look a laser tag center. I never knew that was there. Let's go Glendale. A laser tag center.
Well that's so funny because it's also a surgical center, and I hope they don't use the same lasers.
Oh it's lasering the skin tags off of your body.
It was a laser tag Oh my god, I think it is. Yeah, it's the only way it's also a surgical center. Imagine the disappointed children going there for a birthday party, ready to play laser.
Tag, and they're like, oh, look at some of these disgustings, and then.
They just get locked in a room and some adult removes their irregular molds. That's no birthday I have to know more. I mean I'm not that guy.
Yeah he was, but he nothing changed. He just decided to do it. Yeah, he was standing there, not going, and then he went when I went.
Yeah, he just It.
Really is one of my big fears to hit a pedestrian. It is.
And it's one thing that I when I'm at a corner and it's time, I'm turning right, and you know, it really is up to that human when they're gonna leap into the street. It could say walk and they're hesitating. So but no matter what, if if it's a pedestrian, then you are get close to hitting them. They can hate you. Yeah, and as a pedestrian, don't when I I can never see the other side of it. When I'm the pedestrian a car almost hits me, I'm like, well,
you're an asshole and you're in a hurry. Yeah, but one time the one driving, I'm it is a touchy touch and dose situation. You really have to pay attention.
Well, I remember when I had this part of the Honda fit was so wide.
I've experienced it.
It taking left turns. If somebody who is mid crosswalk, they would be completely blocked by this whatever this thing is called. In the front of the car that holds the windshield off.
Yeah, the sill is it?
Well?
No, I always a frame around a window.
At wait, it's a window sill. It's a it's a it's a vertical windowsill. That was too wide, so I probably four different times almost hit guys and I didn't see them until my car was two feet away. Right, it was crazy.
Yeah, I'm it's I think all cars should be just be a globe like the popemobile or something. You expect bingo balls to be bouncing in just no, yeah, I mean ugly. Sure, Yeah, sure it would be ugly.
Kind of a Jetson's thing, I think is what you're thinking.
Yeah, isn't it? All cars should just be a globe of glass, yes, and make.
Up noise, and there should be snow floating in there with you as you drive. And maybe a city scape of Chicago. Wouldn't that be nice?
Yes, some sort of a holiday message.
Hey, look at the high rises a Nestley building.
Oh, just twenty five stories of chocolate.
Oh I hear they're keeping all the water now. Nestle is doing some fucked up shit with our water.
They really are being that giant man from Mad Max the.
Water.
Yeah, and all the I think pregnant lady breast milk. I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I watched that. I just like the cinematography.
I don't remember the pregnant lady part, but I trust.
You he was holding this this giant man that was like a Marlon Brando type guy, and he's like a Darth Vader.
I didn't really from the most recent one.
Yeah, yeah, the most recent one. It had something to do with the breast milk. Yeah, and water, like what the people needed water, other people needed milk. There wasn't a lot of dialogue. It was just a lot of cool shots.
I'd say, babies probably needed that milk.
Right, Yes, you're right, there were no babies. You're right, there was no babies. It's just like any future. It's the problem is that we can't populate.
Yeah, we ran out of babies.
Yeah, God forbid, we aren't knocking out babies all day.
I think it could. It would be the best thing that could happen to our globe if there were no more babies. Not I mean, it would be sad and dark, but also there's too many.
People, right, We're not saying we don't enjoy babies. Baby, you ever had a baby just grab your thumb and put his whole hand around it. Oh, that's pretty great.
Have you ever had a baby smile at you?
That's so great. But a bunch of babies kind of a burden on society.
That's true. Like one, two babies are great.
Right, replace yourselves.
Ten thousand babies is too many.
You're selfish, we get it.
You're rich, you love as many babies as you want.
We get it. You're a rich Mormon, we get it.
You have great taste in interior decorating. But that doesn't mean the Mormon. Have you ever seen like a Mormon website. They've got the lifestyle shit on lock in Utah.
Is it like I'm imagining a lot of gold curtains? No?
No, No, it's very like home. It's very Mason jari of, like I sewed these curtains here. Oh okay, fresh bread. It's all very like. It's the celebration of homemaking in the inner cool way. It's really nice.
Well, I remember going to a Mormon household. I was kicked out when I said Jesus as an expletive. They they asked me politely to leave to get out, which was real sad because this as I remember it, I was young. But you walk in and their living room was turned into a bean bag and trampoline trapeze room. Yeah, and with swinging ropes, and it was a it was like a fun nasium, a gym for children.
It was a dream gym.
And I'm not I was like, I was allowed to go to this house. I was brought into this giant room for gymnastics, and I said Jesus, like, because I so excited to use it. But when I said Jesus, they said you have to leave and I never got to play.
So sad, Yeah.
That's the judgment. And then I went to my dad and I'm like, they I think I was crying. They said, yeah, Mormons are Mormons are fucked up.
I mean, that's it's the ultimate jerk around for a child, because it was you weren't uh, it wasn't malicious, It just came out of you. And they the reason it came out of you is because of the thing they took you out of right exactly, just the ultimate injustice.
And I never learned anything and they were they so politely kicked me out. I'll never forget that, and I'll never stop blaming all religions.
I would say, you should. You can easily pull the Muslims into that one. Oh right, I don't know about the Buddhists, though, I don't you're going to have to reach for the wrong Buddhists.
Their dad was kind of fat.
Oh yeah, then fuck fuck Buddhists.
I'm yeah. It was really upsetting. But the one time I did stand up Greg Barrenton, I went to Ogden, Utah. The audience was very Mormon. I just knew right away. They were all drinking diet coke, and I've never experienced a better audience. They were so excited. Yeah, and I was. I was kind of editing myself at first because I only had so many jokes and most of them were about my balls, and they or you know what, I'm not balls, but just kind of dirty sex word play,
Dixon balls, thank you, and they were. They. At one point a woman heckled be dirty talk about sex, and I'm you're.
Just taking requests at that point.
Yeah. Yeah. For for Sualt and Peppa songs, I.
Will We just did shows in Salt Lake City and they were We did two nights in a row, both amazing, right, so smart, Like the audience was right there with us every single thing.
It was great. It's great. I think Mormons have their quirks and they're you know that legend. It's a little strange, but I think it makes for some decent people.
I think it absolutely makes for decent people. All the Mormons I've met in person that i've known well are the best people.
Right.
It's also that thing of like, look, whatever kind of broad stroke a group of people is brushed with, there's always good and bad obviously.
Of course in all of them, and especially with more I mean Ascal, there was Mormons that were real serious about it, and they had they always had a lot of siblings. But then there were other ones, like in high school that just partied and through giant parties and their parents would buy them alcohol. And I'm like, what they would like rebel every once in a while makes sense, Yes,
like the you know, yes much people do. Well, you're sixteen, go smoke some crack, but be back here this time next year.
That's what rum spriga means. It means go smoke cracking almost now, Chris, can you think of rumspriaga?
Rum Spriga one two, rum Spriger rum Spriga one two three. It's called the rum Spriga.
Sorry, I was gonna ask, do you have any outstanding Easter memories that you want to share on this our holiest of Easter Sundays. Any kind of ham dinner that you had, any anecdote? This is this is my most This is the habit I hate the most of podcasts. Hosts ask a question and continue asking specific questions even though there's nothing more clear than the question, right.
Right, And as you give the examples, I'm checking off that my only anecdote was having a ham dinner.
Yeah, well that's ruined.
That's you took the wind out of my hand. It's a good salty ham stories. Oh that's one time I snorted a cloth. Now, I most Easters. It just meant that was really the one time of year that my very tall, kind of scary grandpa was in a good mood and we all went to like the Methodist Church, which is you know, that's a funner. It's a fun church, is it. Yeah. I mean there's not a lot of rules.
Okay, it's just.
Under Presbyterian as far as like, yeah, you don't even have to read the Bible.
Come on in, sit on this cushion.
Because I was involved with like youth stuff when I do, just because there's kids there, right, But my parents weren't that religious, but my grandparents were. So we go to that church and then we go out to Jokers Wild because oh it was a casino and they had you could eat for free as a veteran or something. I don't know why we went to Yochres Wild. Yeah, people had Jester hats and there was kind of a there was kind of off with his head theme. And we would go there and you know, it's even even my
uncle would say some words to me. It was like a more because otherwise, uh, you know, Easter in dying eggs is always fun. It's early printmaker or ceramic uh you know glazing, Yes, it's it's yet some of your eggs are kind of come out brown. You got you can't just mix all the colors together and dip them your hyper little.
Ship you dip shit.
Sorry I just turned to my grandpa. But there's times where you figure out, you know, using crayons, do doing tidye type methods eggs dying. Egg dying is actually really enjoyable and I even think about buying who makes it? Pause? Pause the only thing they make. What a weird business. They're just their doors are closed eleven months out of the year.
And then boom they explode in March and and earn enough they have a stronghold.
It's I don't there's never been another brand of egg died than Pause.
It's so true. They rose to the top and then they fucking stayed there.
I think Cadbury some other people that have, like some candy angles, they try and get in, but no one figured out how to know.
There's always those ones that are like decorated this new way. Yeah, but pa and maybe Pause is a part of that too, But I'd say it for the most part, it's just Pause and like holding your holding a hard boiled egg into pink vinegar. Right, is that's Easter?
Yeah, it really is. That. That's what stands out the most. And then me receiving a kite.
Oh what was the decoration? Do you remember? I just like two eyes?
Oh right now, they were never that. It was usually like a plastic one that would break upon the wind pulling on it. I would just snap in half the moment the wind kicked up yeah, yeah, but I did always receive kites. That was nice.
I love a kite.
I think I have okay, Eastern memories. Okay, I always had pastel's that I'm like, well, I'm wearing this pastel polo yep. I think I liked it, but it wasn't you know. I think it's a lot different if you have like a very religious family, there's all these Well.
We would go to church, but my mom I heard the story later that my uncle Steve, I was the youngest, and my cousins were up to like, you know, seven or eight years young older than me, and my sister's two years old than me. So we go to we'd all go to church. My next are my aunt and uncle and our family, and my uncle Steve would ask to have me sit next to him, and then at one point he would pinch me on the leg.
I was getting creepy.
I would start crying, and then he would go all take her outside and then he'd be able to leave church.
Oh God, it was like a plan. That's great. He used you, he used me, and you both benefited.
And then we were out. I got to run around in the park. He would smoke and we were out of church.
Tony Steve, my.
Uncle Steve was the greatest in the day.
That's so great.
He's the greatest, But he was also uh you know.
Did it was? Was it real crying or you would pretend it was real.
He would pinch me hard enough to cry and they'd be like, I'll take her upside. It's okay, it's okay. I never knew that. I have no memory of it, right, of.
Course, No, I didn't realize. Yeah, this was an age where you were you would cry. It didn't trigger you to be like, hey, no, pull the waterworks, kid, no problem.
I think I was able to build up to that later, knowing right, if you can just do it yourself, then you won't get pinched.
Oh I didn't. Yeah I cried back then, but I didn't start being able to cry for no real like when I woke up until like the last couple of years.
Yeah, you have to work back into that.
Yeah, you just have to have the right things going on in the world.
I like the fact that I'm now at the age where I don't care if I start crying in front of people, Like I'll be telling a story and get choked up and then just cry through it and then keep going and I just don't even care anymore. Yeah, it's not like I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
No, because usually there's other times where it's super real. Like I don't think either one of us when our moms died, we like cried on. We'd talk about, like you asked me about my mom's funeral and stuff, and I think I all of a sudden, it was like we were talking about a business proposition, Like I just
got all serious. Yes, there's different kinds of crying, But if you show me a raccoon swimming up to a dog that's already swimming and getting on its back and riding on it and they both are mutually enjoying it, I will fucking cry.
Yes.
So I'm like, I'm like, it's weird, it's weird, But if shit has hit the.
Fan, I don't know, you got to shut it down.
Yeah it's weird. So so really, when I see raccoon on a dog's back, I see that and I start crying about my mom.
Yeah, yeah it is your mom. Yeah, it's it's the whole journey of your mom and you that raccoon. Yeah, no, that's it. Can't be that on the nose. Uh, it has to be something that's kind of oddly surrounding it. So there's like I saw a video on Twitter a couple of weeks ago, the little girl that's playing a little it looks like a little accordion, like a squeeze box, and she's sitting on a little stump right outside of a corral of like a field that's fenced in. Is
this video of it just happened? So she's playing this little squeeze box and all the cows come running to her. Oh wow, And it's one of the cutest things you'll ever fucking see.
Look it up.
It's the best video. And she's the sweetest faced. She looks like the little Debbie girl. She's got freckles and braids. It's so cute.
Oh wow. So someone set I mean this was a setup. It's a setup.
It was a fucking setup. Is that they used her and her talent.
To set on her?
Yeah. I think the mom was like, oh this is I'm not the only one that's gonna think this is cute.
Yeah, this kid of mine is just money waiting to happen.
Her mom had YouTube stars in her eyes, and she said hit record gym.
Her her eyes became star swipes.
Of her own daughter. Her own daughter epixelated into a thousand tiny squares, and she said, this is money, baby.
But unfortunately in the corner of her eye it was blinking twelve o'clock. She couldn't figure out how to undo that.
She's still a mom at the end of the day. He's still going to be a mom. About tech.
That guy was riding a motorcycle crouched down in a way that only meant he just robbed a bank. Yes, did you see that? I did, very very suspect.
He was kind of going snaky back and forth. Oh, that's what we were going to talk about.
Snakes snakes, No, it's it was I was gonna say to you, I because I opened for Lizzie Cooperman for her album recording was.
Yeah, I'm very regret, not going.
You should very regret.
Yeah.
It was super funny and good and like it was one of those things where, like, you know, our friends record albums a lot, It's the thing everybody does these days, but when someone has been working really hard and then actually does it, and people go fucking berserk, Like I have not heard an audience laugh as hard in a really long time. It was so she just destroyed.
And my roommate said that more than ever he was seeing or take her time, go low with things and then explode into these moments and then pull back. I just wish I had seen. I haven't seen a long set from Lizzie Cooperman ever. We never get to do shows where we're all doing an hour. Right now, I get to get little pieces, So I really regret missing that butt. The good thing is you can. Her album will come out yep, and.
I think, and they taped it, so I think you'll be able to see it at some point.
Yeah. I think with her it's she makes me laugh visually, and that's not just you know, it's it's in Kate Orlanda and people do. And I think I'm one of these people like you. Kind of a lot of it is physical and facial expression. But I still, let's okay, I crossed my eyes, all right.
Karen, Look you stick your tongue out just for a point at the end of an idea.
If I didn't do that, would this be that funny?
Oh my god, tongustairs, how did you do that?
Well? I'll had something to do with the zoot suit I'm wearing. We still we still, we still have from our friend in April. Oh, she's always talking about a wolf wearing a zoot suit, seeing a girl and a stereost a tongue.
That's right, it's funny.
It's my favorite anytime someone accurately describes a moment from our cartoons or something as a kid. Yeah, that's like the ultimate goal where you can tap into that and someone's like, holy shit, you just brought back a visual from me being eight years old. Yes, I should probably as an exercise just sit down and think of those things. But for a lot of people, it's like being molested.
Or something that makes them lave harder.
That happened when they were that age.
Everyone has a whole. It's there's a rainbow of experience out there. There's a whole. There's just gradations of cartoons are great. It also creeped me out because we could we were just constantly alone in front of the TV. I spent sixty percent of my life walking by myself in the country. That's so fucking weird. Like in this day and age, if you cut to me, if you picked any like timecode from my childhood and just punched in. I would be standing by myself in a field somewhere
so odd really fields. Yes, it was just like we lived out in the country. You were like, my parents had no interest in driving us anywhere doing anything proactively. It was like if you wanted to do something, they would just say.
Go outside, I gotta go find it.
Go outside, and then you just be like, all right, I'll just go walk around on my aunt's farm.
It was that, Yeah, I do remember. Just I've walked to school a little kid. Yeah, not my bike everywhere, but I was, though, always paranoid about being stolen. Good sorry kidnapped?
Are you about to throw up?
I just am a mess?
Are you triggered by this by your own story?
I'm just thinking about always being afraid of every every type of van.
Well, yeah, but you should have been.
Yeah, you were.
Right to be.
And then after school, the program that I went to because it was inexpensive, was What's Salvation Army? And when did they pick us all up in an unmarked white man?
Fucking straight up man.
Everything I learned had to be forgotten just so I can, you know, get into that man. Yeah, get some free swimming pool time. Yeah, they don't just they aren't just a drop off for your used clothes. They'll also watch your kids.
It's nice and a lot of the people are uh working there are themselves in need of help in some way. Yes, so it's actually like proactive. It helps everybody.
Yeah, that's one thing I remember from Salvation Army daycare and summer camp I did both. Everyone had holes in their clothes. Sometimes do you ever start Sometimes I look back on things. I think of that, or or the fact that I played with blocks, which were my dad just cut up two by fours and I was like, wait, was I poor? But I think it was just you know, I'm from My whole state is poor Montana.
It's the poorest well, and everyone's a little bit low key. Also, it's not like a nobody is being conspicuous about their right richness. Right, it's farmers style.
Yeah.
Blocks are of the salt of the earth type of toy for child, a cowboy child, right.
Yeah. I really cared and wanted it like more kids do now. My dad would get me a pair of vans or something when I was little. He just didn't. I you know, it wasn't a thing. Now, you see kids and they're like, I'm like, why is that kid all dressed cool with a cool haircut? What kind of church is this? Whoa Armenian Western dietcossa? So this is that looks fun?
Look at everybody, it's like an Easter fair.
God. They're like, there is there rides they got look at that. There's an Uncle Sam on stilts. It's just they're selling use cars in Dio Diocese Armenian church. Yep, why does that would make me want to go?
Because it looks fun. Everybody's like they're having a weekend. That lead actually is carrying a basket like legit easter basket style.
That it's funny. That is kind of what I I do miss getting a basket with that grass and there's low chocolate eggs and you find eggs. That's all fun stuff.
So best Well, if I may tell another story about Uncle Steve, please please. This is how he would pay me back for like getting pinched to get him out of church type of stuff he would when there would be an Easter egg hunt. And I actually have pictures of this happening in action. My Uncle Steve would walk around so they make all the kids wait in the house. And the adults would go out and hide all the eggs, right, and then we'd all go out with our baskets and
run around in the backyard trying to find eggs. But I was the youngest. Uh so my uncle. I learned to watch my uncle Steve. He would walk ahead of me and then point with his cigarette fingers where the eggs were. That's how I learned to like pay attention and like go like, but if you actually don't just run around where all the kids are going, uncle Steve is showing you where all the eggs are if you
just pay attention to it, to where he's winning. So I would just very quietly follow him and then like, oh, how did she find an egg in the train? But he would just be like, just very like we were a real team. Me and Uncle Steve were a real.
Team, the best. And cigarette fingers. I just want to draw that now, right, just actual cigarette fingers the tips. I love it. I love that he did that. And then and then everyone's congratulating you, and he just kind of winks, yeah, yeah, we did it together.
Yeah he had a mustache. She kind of looked like, is it, Uh, who is the guy in all those Revenge movies. He looked like what's his name.
The guy with the mustache, Revenge Move, James Woods, the Vigilante Move.
You know, his daughter older, older, like shit, Charles Bronson, Charles Bronson. That's what he looked like.
Oddly, that is was he Is he your brother, your dad's.
Brother, No, he was. They weren't blood relatives, okay, they were our next door neighbors and my parents' best friends. Oh okay, So we just did everything with them and still do. My cousin, my Auntie still lives on that ranch, and my cousin Stevie moved back to the ranch and built a house on it. And now we when we go to like Christmas, it's a it's in the same place.
Oh coo, he's still around.
Yep. No. My uncle Steve died when I was twelve. Oh okay, real shocking, sad. The first time I ever had to deal with death in my life.
Yeah.
And he had a heart attack and drop dead when he was like fifty five. Wow, just out of the blue. It was really awful. Yeah. And then basically I think because of that, our families got even closer. So like my cousin Steve and my sister, like they're like brother and sister. Like my cousin Stevie baby sits my niece, like we spend every holiday together.
Oh that's great.
Yeah, I don't get to because I'm down here trying to live the life of a Hollywood star.
You are living it.
I'm trying to. But it's lonely, and I don't get to have Easter egg hunts with my family.
It's lonely. It is, it is. I realized the other day or last night. I went to go to that party and I couldn't find my car because I had parked it a week ago. I didn't move my car for a week, so that's a you know. I ride my bike to my therapy. I go to a new physical therapist. He's a semi pro skateboarder, but he's the doctor of physical therapy. So I showed up and I'm like, I'm I want to skateboard again, and these are the
tricks I'm having trouble with. And he's like, that's this muscle and this muscle, and he poke me up to a machine and we tested the strength of my legs and in different directions, and he really has figured out how to isolate because even if I take these classes like that bar method thing and we're doing these leg kicks or whatever, I have other muscles doing that work for the muscles that should be doing it. Like I'm
compensating in certain ways. Yeah, and so I have all this scar tissue and weird shit happening in front of my leg when because that's pushing instead of letting my ass muscle do it or what. You know what I'm saying, Yes, I think so, and he's real good at it, and I'm The point is you're here about to see a mid forties skateboard career blossom. Hell yeah, And I won't even need to do this comedy. It's just gonna get in the way of how how much of course?
Now do you think I'll never stop doing comedy, You'll never stop doing comedy. But could you be on the cover of Thrasher magazine? Is it too late?
It is too late, because now what these kids are actual athletes and they are jumping off things that horrify me. Yeah, and it's it's pretty much about that. How big and technical can you go? And I can only go technical on the flat ground, and my little flat ground tricks are not going to make it on they're not photo worthy. Maybe video. You know, you could see a little could you do? That's a footwork gift?
Could could you drop into a half pipe if you had to?
Oh? Sure of course?
Okay, oh yeah, yeah, Well that's a big deal to me.
I mean it's it's uh, you know, I just have higher expectations of myself. I've been doing it so long. Yeah, and it's just like you know, but I like I like it. It makes me have I think that I'll be real happy when I get when I have the legs of a boy again.
Yes, so you have to build it back up and then that's like a good goal. Now, let's talk real quick about your fist therapist one more time. Is he married?
He is? I don't know. I don't know. I was following on him on Instagram. Why are you attracted to him?
A skateboarder doctor? Yes? Are you crazy? That's the dream he is.
It's funny, he really does. He is a he talks clinically. He's very really smart. He has a good bedside manner. I'm usually softthand he's got Oh no, he really did. He puts his elbow into my scar tissue and it hurts, and he's like, this is gonna hurt a little bit, but it's uh and it does. I like sweat, but he's really breaking it up nice.
But yeah, yeah, let's I'll have some stuff getting broken up.
And then yeah, he's a sound skateboarder. If he does a lot of flip and flip out letch work, he's good.
I'm just picturing Tony Hawk in a white coat and I'm into it. I want to get in there somehow.
Yep, I you know I could ask. I can drop some hints. So you a single guy. Doc. Now look at that he turned into homes as he's put it, throwing his elbow into my.
Fleshir I Now, have I told you about going to the finally going back to the dentist after yours and years, and my dentist turned out to be a beautiful man.
No, he became beautiful.
Yes, right in front of my eyes. No, I went so I was having props. So I hadn't been to the dentist in a really long time, right, because I got all paranoid and phobic because I had to get all these terrible root canals. So I'm like, I can't do it anymore. I can't have my teeth thrilled ever again.
So I finally was starting to get pain. But my the Caesar medicine I take for my gums is bad for my gums, so I can't not go And so I started getting really worried that I was like basically eroding all of my own teeth away, and like I was getting paranoid about it.
Of course, you have dreams. Do you have dreams where they'd crumble and fell out of your face as you're talking cookie crumbs and.
You're trying to grab them and apologize.
Together, like you're gluing an expensive.
Vase, tiny tiny vases in your mouth. So I finally was getting pain and in tooth where I'm like, this is a cavity. I have to go back to the dentist. So I looked up a dental place and I found a place that was kind of in Beverly Hills, and I'm like, these people are going to charge me and it's going to be worth my while, and they like it seemed like a real fancy, high end dentist. Like
I'm fucking going there. I go in for for a consultation and the dentist that looked at my teeth for the consultation, I was like, I think I have to get gum surgery. I was like almost crying as I was telling him all my problems. The guy looks at my mouth and he's like, it's fine. You just need to get like a deep cleaning and you just need to like get you know, catch up with all your stuff. Sure, and it made me feel so much better. It was like the best thing I could have done for myself.
But when I went back to actually start getting the work done.
Had gone from a frog to a print.
Well, it wasn't him. The consultation dentist was one guy. Then he's like, here's your here's your dentist, who's about to go dig around in your mouth. And then this beautiful Persian man comes around the corner. I don't know if he's Persian, just a Laddin type, a gorgeous Aladdin type, which is my type. That's my I love a swarthy man cool. And then he's all digging in my mouth now, and it was really humilating. But then I was like, no, this is good. It's good for me to go through
this and like get this bad work done. And and like pay for my sins. And now I'm slowly getting the I have a dentist point in like every week really and I just always go back to my crush dentist, and he's taking care of business for me.
Really, you've been going that regularly?
Yes, I've had How long is.
This steep cleaning taking?
Oh well that's next week.
I first heard this, I did one, and they are it's a thing.
It's awful.
Yeah, it's it's but I was afterwards, it's you feel like your tongue touches your teeth and it's like, oh am I wearing brand new dentures is yeah, pretty great. It's the best great, best seven hundred dollars I've ever spent on myself.
Well, you know what's funny too, it is I am so grateful. Look at this new target.
So exciting. Yeah, it's kind of throwbacky.
It's little, it's fun yeah. I yeah. What was I going to say is that, uh, now that I have money to spend, I want to spend it on these things that have been just they've been hovering over me like awful vultures. Sure, and it scared me how bad? Like because I you know, I'm one of those people's like, oh, I better flash my teeth because I have bad breath right type of not doing it right right and knowing I'm not doing it right, whereas like the only thing
at the end of this is dentures. You're just gonna not flush your teeth into dentures.
Teeth are so important, they really are.
And then I got I told you how I broke. I broke a back tooth and then just had it was like half a tooth with an exposed silver filling. And then I was just like this is now We're getting into like fucking hillbilly territory.
Oh, where there's like different types of alloys in your mouth.
Where you're just yeah, but also just broken teeth, like you have to take care of that ship.
You're gonna deal with at some point. Yeah, right.
So I find he rebuilt my tooth like that's what we started with, took out the silver now not silver filling. Then he fixed another filling and the one that hurt. He's just fucking fixing my life, you know. On Levan's Aunt.
It's funny because I you know what I don't have in in God given hip strength, I haven't tea. I mean, those failed for no reason. But my teeth. I just am lucky. I think I've never had a I know I've I've bragged about this before.
It is really lucky it is to not have to get your teeth drilled. I'm telling you.
So, I'm no longer bragging. I'm just saying I'm lucky. That's nothing I did, just was given. You know.
I bet you don't eat sweets the way I do.
And that's the other my other Easter memory to bring it back to that, my mom really had me paranoid about my teeth to where I would My dad said I would eat a piece of candy and then brush my teeth, and then eat another piece of candy, and then brush my teeth again. I would brush after each piece of candy. And that's more like an unhealthy paranoia.
Still, though, as it's I would argue, it's worth it because now you don't have to I mean, to not have to be under the fucking lash of a dentist drill is just I envy you so much.
Yeah, I never have experienced that. I've never been drilled. I've been I've had sealins like this could be a cat you know, let's but I don't think yeah, yeah, I've never any drilling done good.
That's the best. Well, also, these this dentist is they're all about the least amount of drilling and invasiveness possible. So they just they're all about tooth and gum health like and with the least amount of being invasive. It's it's very rich people approach, have you heard?
And it's more in dealing with kids, there's and there's a weird bench and it's just so creepy. It's like we deal with dental chickens. And I was like, Okay, that's a someone that's scared. Yes, but there was a preated creepy not an Aladdin Sprints looking guy with a little kid that looked real scared. That isn't his kid, and he's a little close and it and what is there's another chicken? What is the like there's a pantom pedophiley thing chicken hawks? What is that hawk or something?
Yes, that was a movie about pedophile that praise on little boys and in their minds they believe the little boys are flirting with them and it's one of the grossest I've seen. Part of that documentary it's so disturbing because these men are like, look, they're this is a relationship or having they're flirting with me, and there's just little boys on a bike like being alive and being a little kid.
Yeah. That and it was that. When I saw dental chickens, I thought chicken out and it just created this whole thing. But I know there was I went ice skating one time. There's an ice skating rink and it's kind of cool. It's real ice, and you rent skates and they hurt
your fucking feet, but mostly little kids. But this one time I went, there was a guy there that had all these jewels, like giant rings, just I can't His skates were bedazzled with gems, and he had his hair dyed and pulled back, and he was a good skater at some point, maybe he skated, but he was strange and he was leaning against the glass and he was looking at kids and he was holding his hand out and showing his rings, and little kids would be like
cool rings, mister or whatever. Like he was being weird. He was being a weird guy, and he was like trying to connect with these kids. And I skated up and I'm like what are you doing? Why do you showing your rings off? Are you here alone? And then he uh packed everything up and left, but I think, wow, Well he sat down and he took his skates off, and he just kept staring at me like he wanted to fight me. Oh good, but he was. It was weird and it was so obvious that I wouldn't do that.
That's a pretty sensitive you know. And I didn't really accuse him. I just said, what are you doing? Why do you keep showing your rings to kids? Like right? And there was like a little gift area where you know, you could buy a three dollars pickle or whatever. There's like kid kids behind the glass sitting and he kept skating by and looking. It was weird.
Yeah, that's like an instinctual thing, you know, when somebody's got bad intentions.
Yeah, and he but he was, yeah, it was when you say flirt, like in his mind. He was like, well, if I you know, I don't know, it's so weird to even talk about this stuff, but I know, but it was happening.
Did you watch this series mind Hunter on Netflix that was about the guys from the FBI.
That, Yeah, that's great. I like a lot of people thought it was boring. I thought it was really good. It Everyone that plays a killer in.
That is so amazing. But remember the part where there he was talking to the the grammar school principal who was tickling kids feet and then telling him to stop, and he was getting really indignant and be like, I'll do what I want like that right there. I was thinking about that argument the other day. I'm like, it's so fucked. If people tell you they don't want you touching their children, the answer is that's fine. And of
course these days that's blatantly obvious. But at the time, back then, this was a man who's like a psychopath like that or whatever. That guy was sociopath whatever. That the hubris of arguing with people going I will touch
your children. I'm not doing anything wrong, or it's like but you you how would you know if you can't even admit that somebody else wants you to do something differently and you can't be that flexible, right, Like what is the in mental I just think I think that part of that show was so fascinating because they're like, you can't accuse him, you can't like arrest him before he's done anything. All he's doing is tickling their feet, but he's going, no, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't
feel right, and it's like it's not right. Yeah, now we know that, but in the seventies there is no way to prove it. There was no like I don't know.
And it's like a lot of people are like cult leaders or whatever. They're in a position of power and they think they can just do that and they'll validate it in their brain. Yes, like of course, it's my method of teaching and it works.
And also you're not allowed to say anything to me. I get to do whatever I want where it's like yeah, but you don't. Yeah, it turns.
Out yeah, And we need to talk more about these boners you're getting out of it, right, That's really what we need to do.
I think this our show as a podcast. Sure, maybe there's a lot of times we just talk about bullshit, right, but then we go right to aphilia and we really face it, and I think that's important.
Not enough people are talking about it to no end to really.
Really lay down the law of it's wrong to be a pedophile, right, because.
That I don't like how most people are on the fence about it.
Yeah, I mean that's gross.
We're trying to line in the sand.
We really are, We're not afraid to say it.
Yeah.
Oh, there's a lot of picnics happening around my in my neighborhood today.
It's fun. I like to drive around and see people outdoors from indoors in a car with air conditioning. Yeah, it just seems really warm. Oh, look at those people on their high horse. It's not even funny to you. And it's based on a sign.
Oh comedy, it's just a mystery.
It's just a tall sign that said high horse. It's like, what could you have called the place? Assholes?
Look at these assholes?
Yeah, yeah, judgment cafe.
Judgment can't Oh oh pick the lanes Today the Bowling Center has an Easter special going on. Well that's exciting.
Yeah, all it is is they just painted the pins turquoise.
They just dyed the pins in pink vinegar all night long last night. The whole place reeks of vinegar.
Oh it's so funny that I do. That is a good memory. The night before egg thing was real. That was man. Yeah, let's everyone just think about that.
Let's think about the good times. Oh, hello, sir, that's.
Your type, right, there isn't it.
He is a real grizzly man. That guy, yeah.
Jogging, just jogging to his photo shoot. It's gonna put him on the cover of a brawny towel. I love it.
If a brownie man jogs, Yes, I say yes to that. Yeah, I support it from my car, never jogging, rarely moving, no.
But pretending to be interested in it when you talk to him at the grocery store.
That's right. Yes, I also am wearing tennis shoes, but I don't move very quickly.
Oh, these sketched ketch sketchers shape ups. It's so funny you notice imow.
Embarrassing, embarrassing anyway, I have the huge calves.
Ah nuts. Well with this, we we did a first take.
Yeah, we're done.
We're done. We know when it is out of our sales.
My coffee is just expired.
Yeah, well I but it's it was as fun as always.
Yeah, this is great.
And thanks to our guest tonight, and thank you to Easter.
Yes, our guest tonight was the Easter Bunny. Thank you so much for being here. You big creep.
Yes, breathing art in the back seat.
With your eyes that are actually metal mesh wire?
Stay out of my kids. Fucking sock throw you.
Fucking foot tickling pervert?
Did it you've been listening? Do you need a ride? D y n air?
Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?
Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turn and on and gay.
We want to send you off insty. We want to welcome you back home.
Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need with Karen and chriss mm hm