Ep. 101 - Karen and Chris w/ Greg Behrendt from the LA Podcast Festival

Are you leaving all?

You wanta way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you.

Claim, and give us time and a turning on and Gaby, we want to send you off InStyle.

You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine?

Mal porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Chris?

Yeah?

Yes, yeah, yes.

Hi, welcome to Do you need a ride? My name is Chris Fairbanks and.

I'm Karen Koger. Okay, let's pretend this is a car.

Yeah, I was.

Going to bring I couldn't find it, but I did make a cardboard cut out of a fifty seven Chevy that seventh grade I sang little old Lady from Pasadena from behind a cutout of.

A classic car, and you still have that.

It was a big hit.

I had a girlfriend up until high scho because of that performance.

Because of one. Was it a talent show.

That I don't? I hope that they asked.

I just caught you in a lie, didn't I know, I very much.

I very much lip synced to little old Lady from Pasadena.

From like so then there was a cardboard cut out of a car in front of you.

Yeah, and I had like a handle on it and I was having a float like it was a boat.

Hank hank.

So the car was moving as you were lip syncing.

It was stationary, but I gave it motion so if if behind me there were things passing, it would all the elements would then be there.

But but hey, boat moves.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is you're used to this, you're used to Oh.

This is this is just my whole life now. Yeah, this podcast.

Podcasting in front of people.

I've never done this, and it's funny because I kind of feel nervous because I've done stand up in front.

Of people, but this is so different. It feels like I'm back an improv class.

Okay, well, you get up on your feet right now and give me three examples.

Just a non geographical location that means not a place on a map or on your lap.

How about it on your lap. We're gonna go with that. Thank you. You guys don't need to say anything.

And you're a playmate and go.

Oh God, I miss it.

I'm a playmate sitting on my own lap. Yeah, and scene.

I like the suggestions to already.

Like when people hear it, they're like, well, I feel like I already watched the scene.

It's just a lady on a lap.

Yes, what more do you need?

Two things that belong together?

Ladies and laps?

Right, they belonged together, ladies and laps.

You've ever seen cinemax, you know that ladies and laps go together. I have I put a certain kind of a hand lotion on there's a you don't know about this. There's a certain kind of intense hand lotion ladies use. It's almost like, uh, it's like it's vaciline. We're pretending it's not.

We're pretending it's like aromatic or organic and something. It's just grease.

And it sounds like you're describing a sob.

It might be a bone solve solve.

Yeah.

I only have experience that we used to put it on horse hoofs on the ranch.

But your hands is it like that?

But if you it's pretty much for your like nails and all your like really dry parts.

But I just went ahead and rubbed it all over my arm, so now I.

Look a bit like an exotic dancer from just any arm area.

I don't claim to look that way.

In there there is an unexplained gloss to you, my podcasting globe. Get that lap ready, Hong huh. It's weird that you suggest that I don't know about lotions because I use all kinds ofs like what, let's name some alpha hydroxya newt Regina. There's an SPF in there, not enough to matter, but it's something.

And enough to pretend it's funny.

I've been putting it on. I keep making the same mistake.

I'll apply it to my face and then I go to bar class, where I then sweat and acid goes into my eyeballs.

Time to get ahead, and yeah, you wear one anyway, Chris, guys, I think you must know this, and if you don't, if you're here just for funzies, hid you'd ride the podcast thanks.

Originally we would take comics and drive them to and or from there, or just one or from the airport and record in the car.

And then it became so that we could not go to Lax anymore because we hated it so much.

I think we almost killed Eddie pepatone.

Yes, yes, just with bad vibes.

There was a close call.

I don't even think he knew, but it's like, well, that could have been mad.

Let's let's close up shop was lost all inventory?

Do we have the recording? Okay, we're fine, but let's never do it again. Then we should we switched to a studio.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter now I can't remember.

I was gonna say, oh, if you listen, you know that Chris had an entire hip replaced, and so because of that, yeah, you cheer for Chris's new hip.

It's funny, brand new.

Do you want to show it off?

I mean, okay, god, yes, yes, I'm sore because Greg, who we're gonna bring out in a minute.

During walking the room.

I would we were talking about my hip, and I sprinted around as fast as I and I was able.

I can run as fast as that could. I think, well, here's the thing. I'm very sore from that.

Oh just from thathibition.

Yeah, I was like that felt great, And then the next getting out of bed, I had to do the old use your pants to move your body you ball the.

Dummy.

It's like a weekend of Bernie's but it's just Bernie.

Oh you're moving your own Bernie, that is you. I'm sorry, well, but I guess I was teeing all that up because in a in an extended physical therapy situation, Chris is now.

Taking a ladies bar class.

Mostly ladies, thank you. It's very popular sport.

I call it a sports but everything that was my therapy, which was rubber bands and sidekicks and slow, concentrated little moves.

So that's what bar.

And someone told me that, and then I went and I'm like, this is this is my home.

And then I just.

Got to make sure not to look at it because I feel like a weirdo being the only dude.

But I think they it's been great.

They love it.

Yeah, I'm sure they do.

It's fine, you're fun, you have great hair.

They can kind of look over at you every once in a while and then like Titan.

Core, I'm looking at everyone else because I don't know what to do, so I'm not It's like I'm not checking out all of.

Your They're so in shape.

Yes, just ladies doing twenty slow push like little push ups like.

That, Knees aren't on the ground. This is a new era.

We call it the g I Jane era.

We called me feeling so weak, But I feel great. Yeah, it's really working. I feel great. My mood has improved.

Look how happy.

If you knew me a year ago, I probably would have punched you.

Chris was in constant pain, but still fun to podcast with.

I'll tell you all.

Thanks. Yeah, you're fun too.

Thanks.

I get That's the only time I give compliments is when I'm deflecting.

Them back.

Because they're so painful to engage with, hard to receave, hard to give.

I hear you, I hear you.

Well, here to learn to withstand the light of love or something living, And it's grace.

That wasn't fue.

Was your mom like this too, where if someone complimented her she would say, oh, bullshit, Like someone's like, your hair looks great today.

No it doesn't.

It's terrible.

Fuck.

This is what my mom would do, compliment.

Me, I really like that shirt.

Oh this thing? I got it at Pennies.

She always had the perfect reason why your compliment was incorrect, and somehow I found it.

In a drawer. Okay, sorry, I fucking brought it up.

This what are you blind?

This?

Sorry?

What Are you a.

Member of the bush? Was he?

I always tell stories about my mom and make her sound like she was a drag Queen's.

Get out of here unless you're gonna unless you're gonna work.

It, get out of the kitchen. I'm bringing the.

Heat, pat, I went to U. We'll bring out Craig in a minute.

Okay, I just had to tell you.

I went to a last minute invited to a lobster feast last night.

They do everything you say.

I had.

I had three lobsters. It was fine.

I didn't know any of my neighbor friend, the woman that lives across from me, she had a ticket.

It was an event.

Ticket that I had with a barcode. But I went to a house and there was a weird It just was. First of all, I'm used to going to comedy parties where I'm the oldest, and this is a thing where I was like, oh, I'm the kid, and but it was guys rubbing their friend's wife's shoulders and stuff.

It had a weird vibe, a lobster vibe.

Yeah, I mean that everyone. I mean I had three lobsters to myself.

Yeah, that's crazy.

It was insane. And then.

Friends in the last time we were here, there was a tarp and no one explained it. And then these ladies came out out they were naked and they were on the tarp, and then we were asked to leave because we weren't invited for that.

I'm like, we're at a swinging orgy.

Sorry, they were invited for like the first half of a party, a different party.

You aren't here for fucking hit the bricks.

But you know what, swingers are so fucking rude.

It's like, if you have people over there there, you don't get to cancel mid party and be like, sorry, we're super horny, me and everyone I fucking know on.

His tar you were just here to soak in the hot tub.

Now get get up, get out so we can fuck.

And yeah, it's never a good sign when there's a tarp and you show up.

To a place.

I don't think you're either.

Going to get whacked or whacked or one time at church camp I used to volunteer.

I don't know, is this an orgy story from church camp that.

Pastor was quirky.

He was though.

He put down a tarp and then they put down bananas and all the kids were blind okay, kid, no blindfolded bananas.

They were already started and you with your mouth. I didn't. Yeah, they ate.

Bananas are kind of gross, right, they all trigger everyone's gags reflexes.

Right, there's streams on them.

First time you see someone open their mouth with banana in there, you're like, I don't know if.

I like earth. Yeah it was.

And this kid, I remember him kicking around like spinning like one of the stooges, and he was eating bananas and then he just threw up everywhere.

And I looked at the pastor and he was like going.

Like, Pastor, Wayne, you're laughing at this kid's vomiting.

Sorry, the tarp goes down, the tarp goes down, they unpeel some bananas.

I was thinking that this is overkilled, just for some banana residue to have a whole tarp.

Wayne knew he was going to vomit.

That's his king. He was looking for child nana vomit, that fucking pervert.

So wait, kids, had you without their hands eat the banana that.

I can't remember? Yeah, I think you were all this. It was a Presbyterian church, the one from a River.

They're the worst ones. Presbyterian.

They tell you we're just going.

Fish and those Catholics hands, hands, hands, Why is it dark hall?

Banana?

Banana strictly banana.

Yeah, it's only banana's getting shoved in there.

And he threw up. And then I saw Wayne a few years later on the beach. We were walking on the footsteps.

Next to me were my friend. I was with a friend.

And Ross and I he's my friend, and we were we're in the middle of We're in like Newport Beach, Oregon. And Wayne came walking on the beach. We're like, you're Wayne, you were our pastor. Are you at a church here now? He's like, I'm not into it. I do family council.

No, yeah, you know if you And then you went.

Down and there was a broken handcuff on one wrist. Let's see that counseling certificate.

Could we an appealed banana together? What did you bring out? Our friend?

Let's do that.

Let's sure everyone loves him. Put your hands together for our very good friend, Greg Barrett.

Everyone loves me. Over Hey, Greg, shift on over look?

Is that for me?

Oh wow?

Thank you.

That's the most accommodating boiler room.

There's just a Starbucks down then the hell.

Hey, yeah, ship behind you?

Yes please, Yeah, it's.

Fucking card joke. Right, Hi, Hi, thanks for having me on your program.

Thanks for bringing me.

And I don't know if you guys were coming to get me.

Sorry the curve occasionally over there, but it sounds better, right, yes, on his pod program and right, and.

When I liked at the beginning of the show, you said, you know, I have never done a live podcast, and I thought, but you were on ours Friday. You're right, you have never done a lot podcast. So this has gotta be fucking good for you. Good for you, this is what a podcast feels like. Well, this is exactly right. Congratulations to both of you. Thank you.

Starting one. It's the whole moment like that.

I still after seventeen years of doing stand up where you have to pull the mic out of the mic stand and put the mic stand.

To the side.

It's humiliating and it feels awful and you're vulnerable and they're like, oh, that wasn't very professional, mic dismount.

It's the starting of a show that is hard for me.

That's what I mean is is it always humiliating to you to take a mic out of a mic stand.

My hands always shake, like anytime I'm reading something piece of paper, it's flapp and it's like, well everyone knows.

I'm like, wow, you spend so much time there in your head.

Yeah, Like I don't ever.

Think about it, like the fact that you're like, no, that whole moment, I don't when the oh they're taking it out like you through the whole process and you do not enjoy it there. What do you think's happening with them? Do you think during that part they're like Nope, nope, I didn't like that. That's not the way you pull it eye that is that is no.

I think that they're judging every move I make.

Greg, you gave me a prank coffee. This coffee just spilled itself all over me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's hilarious. Right. Oh yeah, they're from the podcast Festival, the podcast festival. Yeah, they're prank coffee for a lot of podcasting.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

Oh I can't it's just so funny.

Regular coffees.

And then they give you sewing needles and you poked the side of the cup money, look, mine does.

It too, And then I light yours on fire. Let's call this hot coff.

I left the tart back at my house.

Yeah, I.

Like a fucking tarp party. Just if you laid the tarp out, then whatever happens happens, and I get to be there for the whole tarp. You to just decide I'm half tarp. If you out and I'm already there, you can't make me leave, right Yeah?

Yeah, I think in that situation, get belligerent, grab something, a big.

Piece of furniture, and just be like, I'm not fucking leaving and you can't make me leave.

No, you could have had a tart party without me. You didn't have to bring the tarp out now, because now the tarp's out, and I'm like, why would I go? Yeah, this is the only reason to come to your house.

Really, Yeah, you're trying to be withholding with your tarp secks.

What do you think when there's a tarp? You go to a place and there's a tarp, what do you think is gonna happen?

I mean, piscopeaion church. Sure, bananas are gonna come out before video games or toys of any kind. Like when I was a kid, that was people did shit like that, like here's a tarp and some bananas. Go there, you go make up a game. Here's some blocks and a couple of knives. Yeah.

My first toy was my dad.

He cut two by fours into different shapes and sand, numb or anything.

And it was a little game I called splinter Time.

Yeah. Yeah, the world was not set up for kids at all.

When we were kids.

They were like literally like there's a box outside, you know, go play in the refrigerator box, and like all that thing closes and then that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I actually have a very distinct memory, be very very young, probably like five, jumping on the bed while drinking cough syrup.

Totally alone.

It was great cough syrup, and I would jump on the bed and then take a break and take like four swigs put it back.

I continue to remember that on the bed.

I remember that from like twenty months ago.

I mean.

I was five.

Was I home alone?

Did someone put out all of the pharmaceuticals in the house and then be like we'll be back in fifteen.

I mean, if you were roboing, which is what it's called when you drink a bunch of robotests, and I don't know if you've that's true.

Yeah, roboing, let's robo.

Don't say it like I'm supposed to know it, because that's the same.

Great, that's awesome.

Let's robo You know what that means, right?

Yeah?

Yeah, because you just explained of it.

Yeah, before we all heard, I didn't know I've.

Done it even but I didn't. I don't know what.

I didn't have a I can never remember who is and who is in a juggalo. I'm sorry.

It's hard. It is hard now they play, so it's getting weird.

Yeah, there's tons of them.

Yeah. I love that they're doing that. Get what's up with magnets?

How do they work?

That's for like ten by three to ten people? How was your how was your murder podcast?

Did you do that yesterday? Was you talking about a rather podcast? During your podcast? How was your other podcast? Because that dinner play some of it. I'm walking home on the phone. If you want to just really bring it down, feel what to bringing it down? Oh?

Yeah, why don't?

Why don't?

And instead we talked about our guests podcast. You just did the first walk in the room after how long years?

After?

No?

Just just a year?

It wasn't it wasn't even like, oh, it's been so long. It was like no, it was just last podcast festival and the one before that, and then in austri we this is the fifth final one we've did. I thought we were done and felt have you not talked to Dave? We must be done. And then he called me up. He said you want to do it again? And I was like oh yeah, and he goes, well this is it.

That'll teach you to answer the phone.

Felt like I just got spanked. But then he said I could bring my other podcast, which I did in an upstairs which was fun.

And what's the name of that one.

It's called a rock Out with your dock Out and it's a rock documentary podcast where Kay Hanley and I talk about rock documentaries. I can't be couldn't be happier.

Can you occasionally talk about boating?

Yes, yes that's what I think. Yes, it rocked out, you do and sometimes we sometimes we.

Try the propeller after with your dock out.

You gotta have it because they if it's in, the boat has no place to go. So we we got a different docks.

Rising water level.

We were in Tahoe a couple.

Of weekends ago and we count them sometimes and then once a year you change it and it's a very special episode where it's rock Out in Docout.

World War two rock Out and Docout is tough.

It's a tough one.

You only do it once a year, Yeah, nervously laugh when I don't have any idea what a reference means.

Like.

It's best for me as well. Yeah, I do it with Kay Henley, who's the lead singer of Letters to Cleo.

Ye and Get.

Big, Bigger to Go.

But for years they didn't have guitars. For years they didn't have the money for guitars, and they did exactly. I got hard to watch. It was like it's bad, like bad jazz, improv rock scatting, hard to watch. Nobody wants, No.

One wants that it's hard rock scatting.

Yeah. Uh so yeah, so that was my But the Walk in the Room was uh poorly recorded and uh sort of unwieldy. And Dave talked about his other podcasts, right, and that's I think what you do is you go on a podcast and talk about the podcast that you have that's doing better.

Uh break up.

You're just like, well I'm doing great now.

Yeah.

Membership to Equinox and I was at Curves for a.

While and then I and that wasn't the right place to be speaking to.

The choir there, right, is that where you go to Curves. No, it's a specialized facility for women, for women.

And I think you should, actually, the next time you go to your bar method class, you should put on a pair of transition lenses.

They are so picture it.

They are so when you want you're like a normal guy outside, just wearing sunglasses, and then you come into the room and the tint starts, and then at that midpoint you are.

A sex offender.

You're a sex offender.

They're the creepiest.

In transition, right, So just in that middle, that middle area where it could be like, uh it's brownish gray, Yeah, it looks lavendery or maybe even like the seventies.

You turn to go into room. In one of the lenses, it's a lighter.

It's like, fuck, you want me to I like that show you where the schools are? I am, Yeah, I am.

I don't. Yeah, I don't like transitions lenses. And you know that about me.

I liked Karen. I just wanted to bring it back to this. I loved in your imitation of your mother. You imitate her saying you're like, oh, I like your bluff, and she's like, oh this whole thing, I got a J C. Penny And then you're like, fuck you. Then, like your your reaction to her seems to be the one we should be looking at. You're all like, yes, I love your mom, but I always loved your mom and your dad. I love both of them. There, but you really, boy, you're giving it to that. And I

Well, you know what it is is you look back and in your childhood your mom does stuff like gets a lovely compliment from a person and then swaps it down like a fucking feral cat, And in your mind you're like, that's the way you receive compliments. Then you continue on in life and you suffer the consequences of having a bad personality because of that, and then you suddenly one day realize, oh, I do this because she fucking did it all my life.

Yeah, Karen, your personality wasn't bad. It's just work.

Yeah.

When I met Karen, I thought she was so fucking good. I saw her perform before I before I met her, and I came up to her and I was like, you're fucking awesome. And she didn't talk to me for like four years, and stay heard me anytime we were at a place, like, you fucking asshole.

She can't take a compliment. Yeah, you told me that when you met me. And I was like, oh man, this guy's my new best friend.

Oh you opened. You can't take a compliment on Chris.

No, No, I complimented.

He complimented me, and I was like, yeah, keep them, keep them coming.

We're different.

What else do you like about me?

Friend?

They took me on the road, You took me all these I used to open for Greg all the time. It was so fun. Yeah, you're done. Do you are you doing stand up late?

Why not? I love it if you did? No, I do. I do. Actually know. I've been doing a little bit better. I think we should do it more. I think I I think I reel good at it.

I'll do it right now.

Yeah, nothing could be worse, Nothing could be worse.

Spider Man.

Just just do Spider Man.

I always do that.

I tell you to do that one ye do it anyway, So I got my last joke, lady, I think I think this is my raft joke. I said, I live in San Francisco. I gotta stand up for this. Yes, And then I got stand like I used to with my.

Legs, and we'll be the pull like on BT that are just for some reason on stage looking at your ass.

We all lived in the barrier, and I would say when I was in San Francisco, I said, hey, if you're visiting and you're looking for some male company, that's your thing. The way to recognize a male prostitute is if you're coming down the street and you see a guy standing up against a wall and he's got one leg up like this, that's a male prostitute. Likewise, if you're coming down the street and you see guy has both legs up like that Spider Man, and how did he get here? And why is he for sale?

Do you see why?

I would jump out right after that. Any tag for that, they'd be like, that's enough, we bear the joke was barely good. No tag it, don't tag it.

It's still wonderful thirty years, thank you, thank you.

That's why when you after doing a set of jokes chalk full, a set chock full of jokes like that you came to compliment me, and then I was like, he's making fun of me.

Somehow I have to get away. That was always my my thought process, I'm being mocked.

No, I am that way a little. I just believed him when he said it. Oh, I say yeah, and I'm like you also, But I.

Don't like any other two comics. I don't like any other comics. Dave a little bit not it but yeah, yeah, just YouTube. Do you watch much comedy?

I have been lately in stand up comedy?

No?

No, no, yeah, do you lately? I have been and enjoying it. I've gotten to shows where I'm not even involved, and I kind of really getting good at it.

You know, they've been getting good at it for too long.

Yeah, watch it on TV or just at all?

Like you do you?

Yeah?

I mean I did mean?

Do you like?

Do you pursue it as like the thing you do? Like I'm gonna go watch some stand up or I want to watch stand up? Like do you ever have that thing? I'm like, God, I would love to watch stand up like I don't.

I don't only live and only if it's people I.

Know that I like, And only if you also happen to be there because you're performing.

That's right, and also only if someone's asking me for my autograph.

Yep.

Now, actually last night we were just talking about this last night. It was so fun because it was everybody doing the stand up show. So it was like me and Aaron Foley and Graham Elwood and Jackie Kasion and Paul like we all just got to stand back there in this group and we're never like that.

Many people usually aren't on a show together.

Like it was so fun and then everyone it was just like the best crowd, so everyone had this comfort level.

Maren was on it.

He was amazing.

It was just like everything was felt like it was way up here and you're just like, yeah, this is the best part. But it's so rarely like that usually, like it's like you and one other person.

I think that everyone wanted to do well and even had more fun or did it differently because they're among their peers. I've always wanted to make other comics laugh to a fault, I'd like not. I think I'm better at like trying to convince other comics. Then I'm funny, then I am audiences. And there isn't a big living.

To be made.

Unless you're Andy Kindler. He milked that, I'll be he has milk that.

Yeah, Is that why everyone was having fun?

It's like yeah, And I think they didn't.

They knew there would be no work to be had because everyone in the room is like, it's super into comedy, a comedy specialist, probably a comic themselves in some way. So there was just this comfort where everyone was like, I'm just gonna just hang out, as opposed to like you're at the improv you could get yelled at by a person from Covina.

There's all these like those things you have to always be ready for West.

Yeah, you're okay. At least they've got like a you know, they've got a small mall there with a you know, an anthropology. But you get out at a West Covina not even there because the.

Sun sets a little later there.

It does.

All right, what's your first joke you ever did? Careen? Do you remember?

Oh?

Yeah, everyone, Karen Kilgarrett, everyone.

I used to talk a lot about working at the Gap.

So when I started stand up in San Francisco, Greg was I was like to say, it was just like you were like a sophomore to my freshman, wouldn't you say, yeah, that's right sophomore in my freshmen and I worked at the.

Gap during the day and then I would go do sets at night.

And we wore uniforms too.

It was a Catholic or comedy uniforms.

We were comedy. There were Catholic comedy.

And there was a locker like in the movie Punchline and near set you put your poked up bow tie in there.

And there was a hallway for some reason, just allay for people to people shove each other. And yeah, yeah, Maren used to smoke.

Maren was always on a stool somewhere smoking. Yeah, it was awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

I had a joke that was like, uh, it was something about working at the gap, and it was like and I so I have to work at the gap, and I stand at the front. I'm like, Hi, welcome to the Gap. Well socks are on sale today. I do like a little speech. People love it when you recite the whole speech of like jargon. And then at the end of that speech and then I'm like and people are like.

Oh, you're so nice. Do you work here? And I say, oh, no, I'm just talking this way so I don't start crying.

Something like that. I remember that. I remember that. I heard that.

That was just a piece of the gap chunk and went on and on.

Mine was I think mine?

Get up there? Ye yes, let just keep doing this until the time is up.

Until we do all of our jokes already.

I already my go ahead. I'm not gonna stop. I have a point to make. Ever ready, I can no, no go. I want to see you. I saw you. I saw you very early on in your career, and I fucking chased you down, like there's something wrong with me. You were, you were sitting, you were, you were sitting on a stool at the time for a minute, and you had on you were talking about but dazzling a hat. And I was like, this is my favorite comedian I've ever seen, because he dazzles a hat. Anyway, I remember.

Studs on a Misfits hat. It was like kind of cool, but I to call that be dazzling as in itself so fun.

Okay, So this I think I took like a comedy class once and they said tell us a story, and so this was my thing. My roommate has a bulldog. His name is Virgil. Virgil has since died. That wasn't part of the original joke.

And Virgil he's purebred and he would so he's not real smart.

You pay more for that, actually, but he would bite my feet while I slept, Like, while I was sleeping, he would sit at the end of my bed and if I moved my feet, he would bite them with his teeth. And I was like, this is going to be a problem to my roommate. And he said, well, the dog sends fear. And I was like, well, I guess I got to sleep with more confidence.

And that was my first That was my first joke. That was my first joke. I guess I got confident.

I would quit. If I already were that, I would have been like, that's it, I'm done.

Oh that's nice.

Sleep with confidence the Greg Barns story. So that is so sleep with confidence. That's fucking that is magical.

Well, first, I think the first time you worked with Chris, you when you came back from where and maybe it was Austin or I don't know, or you right when he first moved here.

Yeah, and you I remember you coming maybe a b line.

To me, being like you have to see this guy do stand up really gonna love it? Yes, And remember he brought you to my Christmas.

Party, Yeah, at where we watched Mac and Me on your on your garage, Yes, projected on the garage.

That was Christmas, No, it.

Was that was a different party. That was summertime point being the first time we all did a show together. It was the little room at Largo, remember this, and everybody we all did sets and everybody was having like the most incredible It was one of those very transformative comedy nights where.

Were just like, oh, if I have to go up after this, I had to was really I have to beat as good. I have to, you know, like I have to Well that's me anyway, I have to beat everybody my mind.

And that's when Chris Fairbanks during that flicked his shoe off, caught it and answered it.

Like a phone, and I was like.

I usually couldn't throw it back.

Yeah, I was to be like, oh my.

God, Greg's right, He's the best thing that's ever happened, totally.

And you did hay ride what you did your hay hay Ride corn Maze, hey Ride. Come on, this was around Christmas, right, you can't image me, don't know you know Jack Lanyards.

So God, Greg, I love I love the listen you know, I love your dad and Slash. That was one of my favorites. Yeah, this is true. That's what makes it's awesome.

Tell you a little bit about myself. I've never said that as I sat ever in my life.

All I do is tomatch for myself, and I've never said that in sincerity.

My father's a San Francisco fireman.

And the other day, this would have been nineteen ninety one, the other day he came up to me and goes, hey, I met your.

Friend Slash last night. And I was like, what are you talking about.

So apparently Slash Odd when they were Guns and Roses played San Francisco and they had to call nine one one and be resuscitated. And so my father's a San Francisco firement had to break down the door and he walks in and he sees Slash on the ground. They're out because of drugs. And then he looks at him and goes, oh, I wonder if Karen knows this guy.

And it was true, and it was a true story. I don't have to write why did.

He say I met your friend? So he revived him and then said do you know Karen. He said yes, and they went to you and said, hey, I met your friends Slash.

Why oh, I don't know fucking Slash Slash knows you.

Basically because that's how my dad talks all the time, where it's like if someone od's that's my friend, I'm not, that's.

Who I am.

Around that same time, my father left me a message on my phone machine and he goes, hey, buddy, it's your dad. Hey, uh shit, I saw one of your your friends died. Are you know one of those guys that you're like anyway, I gotta go. So for fucking three days as I couldn't get a hold of you know, if you called me, weren't there. They weren't there, and I couldn't get a hold of him, and I fucking

You know that.

That's funny. I don't have an example.

My dad's a great communicator, oh god, very smart, easy to read, well spoken.

Yeah, but who isn't a great communicator that you have a bit about. Oh you're when your parents come to tell you something in the doorway, get up there?

Oh my god, I didn't know what you were pointing out. That was horrifying. I thought you were like you, okay, here we go. Yeah, yeah, this is what we Yeah, Karen gave you. Well you get this thing outside of a car and it really moves.

Yeah, yeah, kind of hurt. Like Karen said, let me tell you a little about myself. My parents.

I was pretty young, but I'll uh, it's an early memory, but I'll never forget it. My parents they walked in on me while masturbating. I'll never forget that. You know, me laying in bed looking up there, my parents in the doorway. You know, like I said, they were masturbating. All right, that's pretty much it.

It's a switch through because usually you walk in the room people are doing that. It's not where it's like you're doing your homework, and so it's like a fun you know, they're masturbating in rooms all the time. Other people are walking in and out of rooms. It's about but for it to be the other way around.

And then they come in together.

All right.

It's a visuals, all right, and a lot of people don't want to think about their parents.

Dual master.

And competitive master.

No, by duel, I mean jerky off on horses going towards each other.

They're jouster made.

Oh my god, yeah, jowster babing joust baby, you guys we did Oh god god, why at midnight? Not a show anymore?

Jouster that's fantastic.

A man who has a cigarette.

I feel this. I was wrong about comedy all along. It's terrific. We got to get and watched it from behind.

Great, get back up there and tell the people about your that one thing that time.

I think I don't know that I remember any I do. There's so many jokes you can you you remember? Can you remember? Well?

The last time I saw we did that set. We did a set in like Eagle Rock.

It's some really beautiful, very hipster Spanish bar, and we both plowed each other and We're like, why.

Are we still doing this? It was just like a bunch of twenty seven year olds in hoodies and then me and Greg on the side like this is weird and sad, right right, right right. We were the best ones.

And I always have to tell myself that after a night like that, you did that joke about Lars Ulrich and.

What he did with himself. That's a that's quite a bit. I mean, it's it's linked. It's well, I mean, do you can you tell it? I can tell it as a you must stand okay, all right, thank you?

I talked.

I started actually with the punchline I learned from you. I tell people that I uh uh, you know when the short of it is that when I was a kid, you know, we didn't have the pornography, so I didn't really ever get a good look at a vagiina until I got someone, you know, surprising because you can't imagine it before you get there, so you don't know what it looks like.

Uh.

And penis is too. We never saw them, and when we did usually then there they were right there in the movies. They were up, they were working. I never saw non working penises in my life. I only ever saw the ones that were going in a lady that I was watching on a pornographic film, because none of my friends walked around hard ever. And I only I think I only ever saw five real penis. You know, if you're a straight guy, five penises, if you're lucky,

It was a.

Lars the drum So I'm trying to remember how Yeah, okay, I'm sorry, it's been a while. Also, is anyone heard this story yet? Okay, this is a true story. So I went to go see Metallica, and uh, there's a part in the show where the drummer. You don't have to know the music at all, just be horrified by this story because everywhere this is fucking true. There's a part in the show where the drummer comes out Lars and waves the audience to let everybody know he's also

Like it.

Like we're we're in the tickets that your fucking family has, like these are for your friends, Like we're everyone and nobody nobody. Here's how much we Everybody asked each other if that had happened. He's looking out right why. There's a lot of why, And there are a lot of guys rethinking everything, like you're like, fuck man, I because as a guy, there's just no way you don't sort of have yourself on a scale, Like you're like, I don't know where mine is, but it's you put yourself

You know?

Not?

Yeah?

Yeah, I thought you were saying rapper fifty cent had a tiny day?

Say it again?

Is it my penis or fifty cents?

Fifty cents?

Fifty cents penis?

Yeah, fifty chance, yeah, not fifty cents per It's like gods right right. I have said skittles too, just to you know, skittles. I usually tag it's like I'll go fifty cents and then skittle. I like skittles too, but it was really like a fucking huge penis. Like it's like that's fun when that's part of your day like that that I never I just put on my underpants and I go and for him, it's like I left right or I fold it, you know, and then my whole body has to get in the sync because there's blood.

I wonder why he helicoptered it once, because it's one I.

Think, just because you can and you don't get to show that to people much. And the people who probably everyone who's seen it has seen it, right, there's a whole new like how about this boom you know about.

You check to the VIP listing of what you get, it's like you get a picture and you get a laminate and then you get one helicopter that's actually on the list one rotation.

Apparently Steve O from Jackass, he has a He takes a friend of mine and said he takes his dick out of the end of a show. But they put a.

Towel up, but he goes.

But I was standing in the side of this who's hanging out behind him like a tail. He tucks it so he's like, oh, I have a vagina. That's his joke. Look, I have a vagina. He's not loud to show his penis. Hats against but if you see it from behind, you're like, well, not that should really be against the law because that's going out in the back end.

That's why he's so brave.

Yeah, he really is brave.

It was nice to be able to bring a little bit of walking in the room to this, you know a little bit where like some people are like, fuck what I love Karen and Chris, I would have gone Friday. If I wanted to feel shitty.

I don't. I don't agree with the direction you're going right now.

The human body is natural.

It is.

A friend of mine. You Steve O's sidekick.

Like if Steve A was shooting flames out of a fart or whatever, my friend Ryan would be the one allie on a skateboard over him. And so he was in town and we went to the Rainbow Room, which is where like rock and rollers hang out your lemmys, your lars, which is sticks.

Have you been there?

Have you gone by there?

I went there and Steve O was like eating, And then there was a pimp and ho party, Like I thought it was a theme to a costnup type party at the Key Club, and so we walked to that, but it was real pimps that do it professionally and maybe have guns and stuff.

And actually it was a convention that it was a convention for that. And then because they were.

All there, okay a trade show. Yeah, and and Steve O, my friend Ryan had a camera and we followed. We went with Steve and Steve O. Just the first thing he did is pull out is agreeably. Big Dick and Pe'd were right on the red carpet and it was like splashing onto a pimps nice shoes.

No, he does not care.

And then he took his shirt off and he had some blood and crip new tattoo that was like making fun of bloods crisp, and they were like, where, let's kill him. But then someone's like, oh, he's on that MTV show and then they're like yeah, ever everyone loved him and he got afshered in and then we couldn't get in.

I can pee on your shoes.

That used to be if you told me you'd been on MTV, that would save your ass. Man. Yeah, man, that's amazing.

I'm sorry, but Steve is undeniable. He has a tattoo of his own face on his back. It's great, it's fucking funny.

It's pretty great.

It's a nice, nice, super nice, beautiful tea.

The only other good ther it is the best back.

I think the other good back tattoo would be I'm was stupid with an arrow pointing down to your butthole.

That has so many levels.

Ye, just a couple.

It could be for so many different people. Wow.

Remember remember my friend Dawn from San Francisco.

Greg I do remember Dawn.

She used to drink with us a lot.

She would always talk about how she was to get a tattoo of a little tiny guy in her outer labia that said this is where the fun is at.

A little monopoly man.

Yeah, almost like a ska guy maybe or something.

Joking tattooed.

Do you want to get that you would never get?

I think I got him. I think I I looked like I was searching my tattoos go for a while, Like there's some like whoa, Really you're like coffee when it's on fire? What is that? Is that a baby heart? When did you get a baby heart?

Do you have a tattoo that says wear less fabric? Or is that just something says dress better okay, but you may wear it tighter better.

Yeah, I've got tattooed a lot of my identity want to be identities on there and then not been able to live up to them.

So that's been super I think that's that's what tattoos are all about.

Yeah, yeah, get yourself up. Yeah.

I always wanted a tattoo of a little toaster.

I'm not getting a little toaster down here, shoot and then buttery toast up on my shoulder like it flew across.

I have a flaming I have a flaming toaster right here.

No you don't with toasts?

Yeah, real, actual, I didn't. Yeah, I got that. I did that when I had had a special when I was doing an HBO thing early on and I got a tattoo on it.

I guess I haven't seen you.

It'd make me any harder. Nobody felt anything, And I haven't never seen you with your shirt off, So I didn't know that. Chang's change that now. People always used to stay. Man, you're gonna really regret, like when you get older, you're gonna regret those tattoos. And I was like, if I'm running around in my eighties without my shirt on, tattoos at least worris that's not what worried about. What did you get all that confident? Man? It's the fun. I want some of that.

My concern these giant nipple gauges.

I got plates here. I got plates here. That's not where we're supposed to get the plates where the expander's not supposed to get there.

I got them in the wrong place, so they ended up just looking like two short jump ropes.

I put a bar. I put a bar through my butthole. Wrong, that's the wrong place, but through my BUTTHOLEE to just.

Those tribal gold neck rings. I got those up my butt like a like a like a Thanksgiving cornucopia. It's kind of happened.

When you and I, I just want to give you topics and then you make comedy and that's how it works.

And that's podcasting. Oh my god, topics ship.

God, that would have been a great place to end this.

How much longer we have under?

Does anybody give you a lot of time to podcast here? Like probably more than a podcast should be. I mean like we were like took under forty five minutes. Okay, what if this is almost as long as Blade Runner.

Is?

Anyone? You probably didn't because you were here this weekend. I'm still a blade Runner. That's how long? You says? Fuck? Is it long? Have you seen it? It's it is good, but just pack of fucking lunch. Or it's long, and there's parts of it where you go, let's not go to this character again. Nope, nope, okay, let's come anyway.

Well that's my review and I don't want to see it now.

It's good. I love it. I did love it. I did love it. But it is that thing like you're like, wow, man, we have been here for I wonder if we go back to get back to earth because I don't know where we are. I'm lost, and I don't want Jared Letter to come with us.

Yeah, yeah, I don't want him to go with me anywhere, and I want him to spend more than thirty seconds on Mars.

Do you guys? I feel like it will be uh my, it's my two favorite people right here, right here. That's all you need. That's all you need. That is all you need right right there. If I had been in I should have just gone into management.

Oh my god, you and Wrath.

I'm enthusiastic. I could get people excited.

You are a you're a fan, you.

Are in all seriousness.

Karen and I have always talked about how you you're an unsolicited champion of each of us.

You and we didn't know that about each other. And I think you probably do that all the time for people only.

Not that not love that many. I mean, Dave was a mistake. But no, I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm not saying I love it. I love it.

I used to laugh when my parents fought too very comfortable.

V.

So far.

We hit anyone.

How we play our game great.

I think we've talked about this before.

But you are the reason that I started recording music because you insisted that I do it.

And the first time I did it.

Which was with you, it's thank thank you. I wasn't saying that, but then okay, no, no, no, but Greg was like those you know. It was when I had like four songs and you were like, you have to record them, you have to and I was like, I don't think.

I don't want to intrude.

It was kind of my mentality of like I don't want to put this on anybody, and you're like, no, we're doing it. And then you actually went with me to a studio with matchbooks with Paul Paul that's sorry Paul, that this amazing drummer, well, amazing musician all around, who basically then kind of like put out all of the music to all of my songs and made them sound like real songs, and then we recorded.

That they were real songs.

I mean, that's why I liked them. They were real songs. They weren't like I was I was just telling my buddy Kane. Everybody who's a comic, his name's Kane Holloway. What do you do with that name? He's already has to live up to his fucking name, isn't it's Kane Holloway.

He's not a wrestler.

You fight multiple man or a former skateboard yeah are you? Yeah? Yeah, box people on a loading.

Doge for living Yeah, careful Holloways down there and he's kissed off.

Yeah, he's very funny, but uh uh, I don't know what we were talking about.

Music. Music. She recorded music, and then you.

Don't telegraph your punches, so those songs they creep up on you because you're like, this is a really pretty sad song, and then you're like, oh my god, it's about Tina Fey that's so fucking and the time mean and funny, and the thing about the one about the grid going down, Like I was like, they're just like, there's that you have that thing that's like super unusual because it's like it's as pithy as somebody who wants to be smart and pithy, but funnier than people that

This I got a.

Fuck you, that.

Stupid oh this new thing. But anyway, thank you. I don't know if I ever properly thanks. Yeah, that's a difficult process for me.

I recall either of you were encouraging me and my music.

You know what, I.

I don't even like it, but I can't not believe holding up a cartoon lion.

I would buy a ticket for that show You're One man version.

Well it's an hour and a half. It's an hour and a half.

What are some other songs we would hear at that show?

Lion?

Majestic, majestic Lion. That's one of the other songs.

That's short, sweet yep, two words very relevant to today's issues.

I mean really kind of Wait was there a mishappen a zoo or something? Nope? Okay, oh, just we should be what Karen saying?

You remember we remember we were shooting cows. You remember when that cow? You remember when that cow got shot in twenty five times?

Wait?

Remember there was that cow? Does he remember this? There was a cow, a cow that got away and it got out on the highway and the cops shot it like twenty five times. Do you remember this?

Yeah?

Nobody remembers the fucking cow they shot to pieces off the fucking highway in San Diego's gott got got got got Jesus.

That is not ire at all? Why did they ah harsh?

Also great the way you introduced that first you go, remember when we shot that cow?

It sounded like remember in San Franiscs we love to go shoot.

Cows as a group, as a as a generation. Do you remember when we would shoot cows? Yeah, way beyond.

It was like smoking clothes shooting cows.

Because they don't know, but they don't know they die yet, Like they're literally like what's happening? Like like the thirty Times?

Like a fuck, I'm in retrospect. Do you know why they murdered this cow?

It was it was headed to the it was headed into traffic. I think I don't remember it completely, but they felt it necessary to take it down now and they shot the ship out.

Of it and just real quick. Could this have been a dream.

I'm not going to rule it out, but I do think I'm not going to rule it out. I don't know anything I'm saying is from my real life or the one I live in my dream life, which is out the side of this. I'm not sure what one I'm in, and I don't really care because I'm not doing that great in either of them.

But they're fun.

Bounce back and.

Then you're knowingly point to no One off stage. Yeah, buddy, that's right, you heard me, secret inside joke to no one.

You know, people don't think about this ship. They could do all the time and make them s. I'll just seem fucking like better or cooler, like do that during a fight with somebody. I don't give a ship. That's not what I.

Think. I've done that a few times, like not I did someone to LA's on there.

Just everyone goes, you gotta finish this fight. I know it's just you, there's somebody.

But what were we doing? No, I'll talk to you later.

Empty empty, You and one other person, one other person that's one do that thing forest. You're in a for camping, no campers even just you and someone else. You're on a glacier, you're hiking with one other person. You get in a fight about length of rope and then you're like, well, I fucking.

You brought the rope.

What's up?

You brought the rope?

I bring the carabineers. He's like.

It's green boots to mailmarker dead man, someone playing uh, coconuts?

Do you hear that?

I think that was my laugh.

That was my tropical Marguerita Ville. I save it for when I'm really enjoying myself.

When I laugh, it's it sounds like someone tripping with their flip flop.

That's fucking that, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, the flip flop trip is fucking hard, man, because you fold that thing over and it shoots you. You're fucked man. Flip flop that's a that's a hard way to go. Thanks for backing me up. I'm just telling you, man. I bet I fall I fall down sometimes I don't have to flip flops on. I feel like I hate their flip flopsy're not flip flops regular shoes.

I hate flip flip flops and I hate them. They always gets caught up or turned or they they they somehow. I can't believe everyone just goes around living life wearing them.

Yeah, like you're like, oh, I got these on, I'm Lard Hamilton. That never happens. You're not Lard Hamilton. No one is just layed. Yeah, not big wave surfing fans here, like a surf coach from guys up.

I called Lard Hamilton.

I interviewed him once and I called him Lance Burkheart because that's his character from as you all know, North Shore.

He's like a villain, uh surfer And he didn't who's that?

And I'm like, they called you that for probably a month and a half for production, right, I mean he didn't.

Maybe afterwards they were saying that name to its face?

Is she nice?

Yeah? Very nice? He was very nice. We were he was very nice.

He was.

He's very intimidating.

He's a huge you guys know, it's Hamilton.

He's an American Express commercials with his volleyball players everyone.

He was in the Descendants. He was, Uh, he's the guy that. Yeah, he's in the He's he's in it. Is that right? Okay? I get those guys mixed up. He plays the neighbor's husband or so. Anyway, he's handsome, he invented big wave surfing.

And he's a very Olympic gold medalist women's ball.

Corbett Gabriel, thank you of the Reese chocolate family.

Uh.

Anyway, at the end of the segment, we thought it would be a nice way to close it if he paddleboarded away from where we were interview him, interviewing him on the beach in Malibu, just off into the and he.

Paddled and we shot it like so we could speed it up later. I'm not a camera I am a sound man, and he's working great.

Uh, And he just fucking paddled until he became a tiny person then disappeared.

He paddled off in the ocean and he was gone and never and I'm like, did he just slowly die?

He was like watching a sunset, but it was a man the best joke of all time, and he would he never?

Is this the last shot?

Okay?

I get the bit?

And then he just bailed, goes ocean bad.

He's got to get back after that joke. But that's not our worry.

He's out in the middle of the ocean.

Invented. He invented that. He invented sucking the paddle boarding.

Afraid of it.

I think it is kind.

I mean, I think the Hawaiians did it originally when they were but then we take it.

Wait, wait if you take it and trading, we did it, yeah, and give you a smallpox blanket.

I got Really we took it to the bad place. We got political as well political on the show.

Sorry, deal with it.

Yeah, sorry if you don't like to hear, if you don't like it.

Yeah, not during gameplay. We know you're just running the clock, right.

I do a lot of football jokes, true them on this podcast, follow you.

I know, I'm a stick and ball guy.

We think somebody must be like, please get off the stage, right we light up there?

That thing, the fire that they've lit up there, I think that's the might be that get off fire.

That is it's one of the seven wonders of the world.

I feel like Trump's eyeballs during the eclipse right now because I won't stop staring at those lights, wanting them to tell me something.

That moment in history when he looked at the fucking eclipse, I was just like.

It's over.

That was the peak, that was.

Any hope anyone had for anything. It was just like, this is fucking over for humanity.

That was the top of the roller coaster.

He's the president, and he was just like everyone's like, you can't look to He's the fucking dumbest place.

Like he was looking at the sun as if to say, no, you're you're a loser.

I'm the power of the sun.

Imagine, though, Imagine the freedom that he wants to take from you, with the freedom he has, and that he only takes a little bit information. He doesn't never, he never has I got to read that thing tonight. He never says I got to read that thing tonight, or I need to be briefed on this. He just uses whatever, the handful of words he knows and then just says them and then just fucking moves along like he just let's get rid of that. I don't like it. Oh yeah,

I'm free. That would be freedom. He just not have to have no consequences over what you're the.

Only thing that's cool is that if by breaking the fourth wall, maybe we'll have a president that is a good person. But his fucking me like a guy that like can't pretend you can't find the fucking podium and ship and swears for no reason and pulls his pants down. It's like, just like your uncle Greg, are you It's just a good plan, comes out, goes, what's up, bitch, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm the president. No, I gotta check it all seriouser that last he was mean, I'm

Then he just does a pratt fall down some stairs comedically awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, God fucking gets on a paddle board and just there he goes, there, goes to president.

I guess he just addressed the union.

Yeah yeah.

Do you think this morning when Mike Pence walked out of the Colts game he went a rumph, I've never.

Oh yeah, he went there just to do that, to be able set kneeling during the you know, and I think he did is he.

I think he slowly peeled his face off. He like, as he got into his black suv, he was like lizard face. He's just you look in that man's face and You're like, there is no human being.

Inside of them.

It is fucking frightening.

Yeah, I used to think it about like a Wilhem Dafoe or till those Winton.

It's now it's a new level.

At least I like them. Yeah, he is a he's a cyborg lizard man. I wish other way. Well bought lizards, gills and batteries. He's fuck.

I wish he'd gone the other way and stood up taller, like got on a table. I see you fucking kneeling, and I'm fucking double standing. I'm double standing president who nobody knows or cares about anyway, plain to you that I'm the vice president.

Also the Handmaid's Tale, what if he was? Like everything that Mike Priends.

Was about, this was purely just like a street performance for The Handmaid's Tale. It's just grassroots publicity. Whi's just like, oh my god, the vice president wants to take away my uterus. It's like, actually that was for The Handmaids.

That was a script.

That was just a script. It's a TV thing. It's actually about the opposite. No, it is great promote mother, We're going and he took his wife. It's it's call his mother. But he's cool. We're open to it.

He's super fine with it.

Just don't regulate other people.

It's weird that they keep promoting that show after it's concluded.

The Handmaid's Tale. Yeah, you mean by taking awhare rights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they keep doing it.

They just keep doing it.

We watched it, We liked it. That's their version. That's their version of merch. Yeah, like from the show. No, it's just like from the show.

This rage you don't have my your birth control taken away?

That's where you guys like the show. We thought, Oh you like this, you must love this my.

Dad Okay, fine, no planned Parentoo that's season three.

Did you know that the fucking red those hats that trump that they're forty five dollars on a website that he's still forty five? Did you know that the valley parking in this hotel is also forty five dollars?

The well?

Do you know that this is one of my favorite things?

My sister told me it's a cost forty five dollars.

This list of things that cost forty five dollars. No, this was my sister just told me recently. My dad, who is obviously retired, a retired fireman, and has friends in his immediate friendship group, very very tight group of men that are like Trump Republicans. And they met somewhere, I'm sure they were like golfing, and he showed up and one of his friends was wearing a Make America Great Again hat and he took it off his head and said that's disrespectful and slap like slapped in into his hand.

Yeah.

But yeah, my dad is like the one seven year old white man in America that's doing stuff like that. But I was like, thank fucking God, because I told him to listen to the lyrics if People Are People by Depeche Mode over and over.

In nineteen eighty two, and it finally fucking got through to him.

Europe, My hard work, you want to imagine made off your father is so awesome. And he looks like if Ron Howard dreamt of what a fireman would be. He's better than anything. Like he goes, oh my god, the white must have must say something. He's fucking huge. Yay, you know, Irish.

He looks like the dad the woman's dad from Fargo that is then won't get the police in Fargo, is like my fucking dad's in a Coen Brothers movie.

This is awesome.

Yeah, your friends called up and they want me to be in a fucking movie. I was like, all right, I'll be in a movie.

I got nothing else to do but play pedro Be in your movie Owen Brothers.

Anyway, guys, I love it, and he hu.

Amira told me to tell you. And here's my wife and we actually started listening called, uh, you're living all over me and it's just we get together a week and go do we still want to be married?

Uh?

But it's fun and she said, uh. She said, uh, I want to be on Karen's podcast because when I moved here and I was nineteen, that guy there, a couple moved in below us, and then the woman died when he was clean and is done. And then two weeks later a new lady moved in. Oh yeah yeah, and she goes, I want to t now told the story, but she told him much much more compelling, and then uh.

Hercides like that doesn't fit with our inhabit about me. Yeah, actually, oddly, I think that'd be better On Karen's other podcast, This is not that sounds like a murder took.

Place all the time. I thought you were somebody else.

Really, Yeah, and she just and he got away with it.

He did cleaning his gun.

Was she there when the gun went off? Was she in her apartment?

She was in the apartment. Yeah, she received the bullet. No, she was there, but they didn't. They were there the bullet.

She actually had to sign for it with C O. D. It's very It was one of the strangest murders ever in Hawaii.

Sign for this all right, But I don't know what it is. I don't know.

I don't like bullets.

But okay, I mean, my roommate's not here, but if you're trying to murder him, I guess I'll go.

It seems silly to just send the one. Don't they come in sixes? Uh? Yeah, no, I don't. I uh, I didn't want to be sexist. I didn't know if that's a I don't know. I'm not sure what my handshakes are supposed to be anymore. Uh yeah, So anyway, that's uh, that is wow, that's nuts.

Maybe it may be.

Uh.

I was like, have you listened to a podcast? I think they talk about pretty big murders. But okay, if you have that sort of bag unsolved one. I'm sure they'd love to hear about it.

We do that all the time.

Yeah yeah, I mean, I mean you don't really know that, man, I mean I don't. I never like. I've lived a fucking healthy long time and nobody I know has been murdered.

You're very lucky.

I just don't have that, you know. I need to know more people, that's m Yeah, that's right, that's right. I mean people have quietly disappeared. Yeah, yeah, yeah, how many people?

If you don't know anyone that's been murdered, you're the murderer. That's the rule.

I call it assisting. I assist you to that next place. Yeah, just a bullet delivery to really soon. I just need to get a few more people to go and then I get it. I get to go. Okay, it's dark, too dark, I mean just fun fun, and that's interesting.

There's so many options. Should we wrap it down?

That's not how they say that, So what wrap it up?

Get up there and do your final bit. Let's see the closer.

Come on, closer, closer.

Do your worst, closer. I don't need the closure. You hate the best, do the closer. Nobody likes.

I don't do the one you can't close on, the what you've depended on and can't close on, and you've finished after and usually for me, it ends with as what happened?

Nothing, just get louder and louder as it goes.

Okay, look at that, I get.

I just I just want to close it. Come on, stand up and stand up, do I No matter.

How young you get with your making a child, I will not get more.

I'm a baby, all right, I'll do it.

Just that model in your I don't I don't like it.

It's not I don't know what would your funeral be like that?

Kind of like this actually what I get?

Actually when I die, I want to cremate my legs, just my legs, set those aside for a minute, and then I'm gonna tax it or you know, stuff my remaining torso uh you know. So it's on a spring mechanism, so the casket will rotate, go out towards the audience. It will be an audience bigger than this and then and uh, and then I'll pop up and holding the saxophone.

Of course, that's why my arm.

I just have my arms like this all the hold the saxophone and it's gonna blast out the most beautiful jazz, like you know, that's more of a trumpet, but you know what a saxophone sounds like. It'll be a fucking and everyone's just and all of sunglasses going like oh yeah, oh yeah, all along with saxony, and birds will fly out and the smoke will be coming out dry ice or smoke machino.

And I haven't bought any of the stuff. I'm not even sick, but well, everyone's going to be like this wow.

And then back then I'm going to launch my leg remains out of a T shirt can and just get into everyone's fell open mouthed, just and they'll.

Be like well, and You're like it is that talcum powder? And I'll be like, well, if you're at a you're at a funeral. It's a powdered lake. You knew that. How would I say that there's holes in my.

I don't know how I'm talking now, I can't remember how it ends, but that's my funeral.

And that's.

Like, it's hard to end a comedy. Said God, I got so sweaty and scared when you made me do that.

Did you do it again?

Doing some more do it in a different voice.

Oh, I've been playing in me funeral?

Yeah, old time.

Oh god, we all love a good I am to launch my leg remains out of a T shirt cannon. If I like type that, I'd be done for the day. I mean, like that, What do you want from me? No one has ever said that, nor will they ever. Look what I said. That's what was in my head, and then I thought that say that to people. I didn't keep that inside.

I say, I agree, you have a million lines like that that you're not I want you to do. Will you please do? Stand up? I don't want.

I don't do in life.

Yes, yes, he's so good at it. And influence on me and on Karen too, I know, and every human influence. She's blocked out the human influence. Per she doesn't recognize it, but I will.

She talks about it. When you're not around. We both think you're great.

Thank you, and I'm glad you're here.

I'm going to send you a card.

Yeah I get that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter. But I love us correspondence and all sign it.

Oh, I love that too.

What is every dad in the country? And dad, I should say something Okay, it's your dad.

They know it is all right.

Did you write your name? I did for a while. I wrote my name to my kids. Greg. Why you should try dad? Is this guy? Yeah? Why don't you try dad? I'm not ready for dad yet. You don't feel like they're not ready for dad. Yeah, not ready for dad.

Nine o'clock coming to them. Oh man, that would have been funny.

That would have been amazing.

What do we do with half his batteries? Put him in the mics. We're gonna festival the fucking run in bucket.

There's somebody actually jamming the mics in the back. They're like, you can't.

Just a guy with an ipatch in the top hat pulling them. Okay, thank you.

We've been giving the signal to quit. They're broadcasting permanently and uh no, fuck, this was great.

This would be kind of a fun festival if you brought your your podcast here to be judged, and at the end, you guys would go forward with more podcasts or you had to be done. Yes, that's the crowd goes No, actually, no, really, Pod Save America. No, we got it, guys, we can't like it. We get it. Blah blah, blah. I like those guys.

I like that though.

It's almost like a beauty contest. There's like it's not just the podcasting, but then you have to come back and sing yep like at one point answer questions sure, yeah, you'd have to know some stuff. And of course bathing suit.

Yeah, of course, be in front of everyone in a bikinia. That's how you close the show.

And the guy back there going, I keep turning their mics. I keep turning their mics off, turn them off. But then they got I don't want.

To be it's going without being amplified.

Yeah, it's just.

Sheer power of riffing that's making these people that talk about doing comedy they.

Do not know when it ends.

Yeah, they don't feel the room going. Let us sleep.

We don't know where used to we go to a desk nation. I always haven't mapped it out strategically.

So it's exactly fifty nine minutes and usually we'd be pulling up to your house.

Did you guys ever forget anybody?

Oh, like we were supposed to pick them up.

We didn't be late.

We've been real late.

Yeah. Yeah. The airport is always Yeah, it's not good and it's like forty minutes. No, it's like four hours. It's right, so long.

And then there's people who like, say they had a whole week in a club in Boston and then we were like, well, let us pick you up. And then so they're done with a week of comedy, right and they're just standing like bumming out and then they have to stand with their bag for an extra to then get into my uh Honda fit filled with animal hair and be like, what's up America.

It was pretty We were like, we have to stop doing it.

It was dangerous. Such a great idea though.

I mean conceptually amazing, what.

A good concept, but the execution was a piece of shit and dangerous. So it's we've been safe tonight.

Safe insane.

Yeah, that's how we are now.

You guys have been great. You've been listening to Do you need a ride? You guys have been watching it.

All of this is true. Do you have any final plugs or just anything you'd like to tell the people?

Yeah?

No, I think I mean maybe a final bit, just one quick I don't think.

I don't think I have a quick one tattoo.

There's an interesting tattoo.

Here's the thing they're all labored, and then I'm surprised by my own stupidity at the end, or somebody else's penis, somebody else is being its like, there's usually all think about something. I'm like, oh, somebody else, why.

Is it in a jar on the mantle? I used to say something.

I'll say one time I was with a I'll tell that I was, Yes, finally here's what I here was my we're going to keep doing this long after you leave?

Yes, we don't. All we need are hot mics and each other.

Yeah, and this one. And by the way, keep those expectations super low. This is vintage. There's like two thousand and two. I think I would say, you know, just be honest when you're fucking somebody, Just if you're gonna talk, just say what's actually happening?

Hello, Okay, let me let me kids it h.

I don't you know, like just be honest, because if you say something that isn't real, you know, like if you're trying to be too complixed. Like I was having sex with this girl and I'm I put myself in and uh, I mean she helps it, but she was like, oh my god, you're so huge, And I was like, well, fuck when somebody else is in there, because I'm a medium at best, you know what I mean. Like, I'll try. I got a lot of hustle, but I'm not fucking huge. Let's not play that guy. I'm a special teams guy

Thanks Greg Barons. Album Dicking Around is available on iTunes. All Dick Jokes Two hours of dick jokes.

You've been you've been listening to? Do you need ride? D y N A r R M? Did someone hot? Someone did it? Thank you you guys, Thank you very much. That's really talking. Are leaving you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean.

Give us time and they turn it on and gay.

We want to send you off in start. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Is it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chriss