Ep. 1 - (Pilot Episode)

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you.

Claim and give us time and a Turmano and gage.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to our podcast. Hi. Hi, I'm Chris Fairbanks.

I'm Karen Tilgara.

We are leaving from Ogden Drive in West Hollywood in my two thousand and eight on a court. So we've decided to do a podcast in our car where we will go to and from the airport driving comedian comedian friends and acquaintances.

And performers, maybe enemies.

That that would be a very special episode is if we pick up an enemy and drive.

Them to their gig.

Right, it's like one of our nemesis, Yes, memesi nemeses someone we know with.

A goatee and some sort of a flat hat. That makes some sinister.

You hate Greg Fitzimmons.

When you exhaled.

I thought that we were going to hit either an them all or key bone a car and.

This is what a podcast in a car is going to be.

Like I'm on edge in a car in general.

Here lane's ending, it is ending, and this there's a free couch. There, there's a helicopter. It's l a baby.

See that's what our podcast is going to be.

You can't see the things that we're gonna list, but our podcast is a list.

It's basically a podcast of I spy.

Objects and and it's a it's an active faith because we could be not really naming things.

That are there. You just have to believe that we saw a couch. We're not lying it was it was a couch.

It's believable that there would be a couch on the side of the street.

You're a gardener and fountain, yeah, I think very believable. We're gonna do periodic intersection updates.

I think people would like that because then they can see it in their minds, especially natives who are into you know, traffic podcasting.

They'd be like, yeah, there existing fountain. I've my apartment used to be there. That sparks stories that I have in my own head about that interception. This is so interactive.

They'll say, yes, They'll say, I'm going to have a podcast going on at the same time in my brain while I listen to their bullshit of my own bullshit.

Right, we're of course talking about crazy people.

And people with more than one personality.

I am nervous. I'm less nervous driving, but I'm nervous in a vehicle now because I three weeks ago was in what I believe to be a horrific car accident.

I guess horrific.

Means you have to have broken bones at least, but I think I have a cracked rib for real. Oh my rib is worse than it was.

Last week. It's not supposed to get worse. No, that's very true.

That's terrible. And I saw the pictures. I think horrific is the perfect word.

To do up there, right, is that because you also have a Honda fit And I was in a Honda fit that.

Was crushed very well.

The best was Chris was telling me about this terrible car accident and then he starts talking about his girlfriend's car and going, this little piece of shit that you know, crunched up like a coke can, and then I look at the picture and it's the same.

Car, that same color, everything, exact same model.

There's a bumper sticker of my initials on the back. Why just to scare me? Well, it worked.

I honestly want to.

Give her to that car now, I think you should. After the airbags didn't deploy, have we said what the car is? I don't want a lawsuit because I love my Honda Cord.

Yes, no, Hondas are good cars, but this is, like, you know what it is. It's almost like a starter car.

It's like, you know, it's a it's a Geo metro version.

It's just a Honda. So it's but it's there. It's their cheapest car.

It's yeah, it's just not what you want to be rear ended at forty five miles an hour while at a standstill. We were at a light and some uninsured Texter.

I assume it was Texters.

Well, I know we would have launched out the windows, at least one of the windows. I suppose parts of our bodies could have launched out a separate windows if you did. If we weren't wearing seat belts, which I believe is why my rib is cracked. I blame the seat belt, but I also give it credit for not letting me die.

Do you have a very complex relationship with seatbelts now, Yeah.

Yeah, it's a given. It's always a relationship of give and take.

Please wear your seat belts, by the way, everybody, even if you don't like it. I think Chris's experience is the perfect example of why you should always wear seat belts.

Please, please wait your.

Turn on left turns when you're on fountain, and we're gonna have a lot of just tips from it. Also called before you dig and then you're young if something, say something you've got, any touch can be a bad touch.

That one, well, they utilities, common mark, underground lines or gas.

That's right. There's so there's so much risk around us.

Needless outages, possible explosions.

When you think you've turned the oven on all the way but it's just gas leaking.

Yeah, and then you want to have a nice cigarette in the kitchen and you're wondering why your head is in the oven. These are all things we'll just tell you, yeah, that you're at risk for. Yeah, and two in about.

We are now at a sunset and we're going to Burbank to hopefully pick up a comedian if we recognize someone.

Yeah, we're gonna drive around and see because we didn't really we didn't really lock anything down.

We don't have a guest, we don't book anybody.

But there's so many people traveling we figured we'd just go to the Burbank Airport.

See who's there. Yeah, maybe a guy who's clearly a magician or an entertainer. That's right.

A man in a top hat could be waiting by the luggage area.

Holding a bamboo cane that he uses to be pulled off stage, and the catskills someone that's clearly an entertainer.

I've never heard of magicians being given the hook off stage.

Bob Hope Airport. All it's just magicians flying in and out.

That's their hub, if you will.

Anyone who does USO tour work goes in and out of the Bob Hope More Memorial Airport, or I guess people that live in the area. I guess people do live in that area.

Hey want to hear a really good story about me at the Bobboob Airport last weekend.

That's why we're podcasting, Hi.

Real good stories told with the windows down. So I went to sketch Fest last weekend.

Yeah, how was it?

It's super fun, really good, really great shows.

I was bummed because we missed the party.

The second show I did at.

The Punchline went until almost two in the morning, okay, and there was some kind of a last party, but I did get to go, which I was sad about because I do enjoy a festival party.

Much more than regular life parties. Yes, yes, there always more fun.

Anyhow, on my way up, I saw a man named Owen Burke in the airport who I've worked with.

He's hilarious man improviser.

I think he's one of the founding people from UCB and uh So he and I are talking and I look over shoulder and Gene Simmons is walking toward us, and like you could spot him anywhere because his hair. His hair looks like like one of those Halloween wigs that cost two dollars like that, it's it looks like it's polyester, but then it's been shaped into like a helmet.

Yeah, or like in a cartoon if something bad electrically happens, like with a toaster.

That's what his hair looks like. Cartoon electrocuted hair.

Yes, he also looks like do you ever watch Brendan Small's cartoon Met?

I do watch me only because of how much I like to say it with ease and without having we both said it wrong. Yes, I put a couple of extra jeans in there.

But uh, there's a character on that, the guy with the with the musta hud. Right, that's exactly what Geene Simmons looks like, except for his hairs dyed black. So you see this guy coming from miles away if you're if you're a sharp eyed gal like me, So I see him coming, and so I'm just saying to one's telling me a story, and meanwhile I'm.

Going Geens, gens, it's like that, and he exercise. Yeah, he didn't. I was warming up for my weekend. I do improv too. I usually say carrots potatoes. I love New York, I need New York.

So, uh, I think Geensman saw me doing it.

So he had this look on his face, like you're welcome type of things. And he came up and he's like, you guys.

Are standing in the middle, And then no one turned around and saw that it was Gene Simmons, and we both stood there and just stared at him because he's one of those people.

Yes, and he yeah, he stills fear.

He's scary looking, he's crazy looking.

He's got metalocalypse hair. It's crazy.

And was at the improv one night and I madame as well. He said I was a handsome and powerful man. Oh that's what he left me with, and then left the building.

Straight out the roof, just like a sinister superhero. He slid up a fireman's hole and out of my life. You're a powerful what does he say? Powerful? And what you're handsman? Powerful man? Oh, that's kind of awesome. And they turned to Michelle Balloon, whose party I was at last night.

She's a friend of mine who's leaving, and he said, I'm not sure what you do, but I'm sure you do it well.

He just made us feel good.

That's nice and he knows he can like I didn't think I cared about Jean Simmons or kiss right. And when he walked away from us, so he said, you guys are standing in the middle, and then he said, I want to hang out in the middle.

With you guys.

And I'm not sure if it was that's the exactly that kind of gets lost on me.

You have to be a little bit more direct in that.

I didn't even get it when he was saying let's let's put the X in sex.

That went over my head. You were like, Yeah, it's called spelling. Yeah, of course, what's that's what's flirting? Are all of kisses songs about grammar or rocks? Yeah? So what was the Oh I'm sorry? Yeah? What after that? Yeah? I guess after that? Nothing? Really, he just still had wiry hair and he was out of your life. Oh.

The reason I brought it up was because maybe that's the kind of potential star sighting that we will have at the bribon Gara and.

We will ask do you need a ride? Is that the name of our podcast? By the way, we haven't named it.

Yeah, I think it should be do you need a ride?

Hey Mac? Should we put Hey Mac? Who's Mac? Mac? Like just anybody like said back in the fifties? Okay it was a bad it was a bad idea. How about I didn't need to negate you? No, do you need a ride? It's probably gonna be the name. Yeah.

I feel like if we start in giving actual names, that's going to confuse people.

Yeah everyone.

Oh I'm Mac. My name isn't Mac. I can't get a ride that bullshit.

All you need to be is a Canedian that's either leaving town to go do a gig or coming back from a gig. We will pick you up from either the Burbank or Los Angeles Airport.

We cannot go to John Wayne. It's it's unrealistic, is that.

Maclamore's no, No, he does.

The back was filled with knee boards. That's a specific lyric because he he went to buy a knee board and then he bought a kneeboard. I think he bought a keyboard and then he bought a kneyboard. Either way. Oh, I always saw he was saying keyboard twice. What is a knee board?

I think a knee board that's behind a boat. It's kind of obsolete. Oh, you would find it out a thrift story. They're bad for your back. You take all the I've done a little behind the boat action sports and with a knee board all the entire Yeah, it's in your spine, so you're on your knees and they are so you're sitting on your ankles and so all the impact when you catch air and I.

Caught some mare on a knee board. In my life, it goes straight to your spine. It's a flawed sport. So you find those things that drift stars and then you wrap that. Four people can can. Yeah, I don't have much going for you. If you're looking for a cheap used shirt that already has bo in it, how about some scoliocids.

Do you like spots McKenzie? Do you hate your spine?

You're gonna love this towel with a stain on it, and you're your morning pain.

Back when I was in college though, And if you see the left, we don't have to get the freeway.

Just okay, this is the road that I was rear ended on. Okay, let's just work through it. Just talk about your feelings. I'm glad we're not in You're hand to fit. Yes, me too.

I'm going uphill rather than downhill, yes, And I'm I will drive aggressively. I'm not is that the answer, though? I mean I I'd rather be the one rear ending than get rear ended.

So I don't know. I feel like.

That's the wrong ass I'm going to drive like a goddamn lunatic because I don't want to get hurt.

This is exactly what's wrong with everyone in America.

If someone's going to get hurt, it's not going to be me, It's going to be someone else.

I'm going to do the hurting, and that's going to solve my problems.

It simply doesn't make sense. I've been hurt, so now I'm going to hurt you.

I wrote on a keyboard. Now I want to buy a keyboard.

Keyboards.

I drive on this strip of road a lot, and there was a time where I had a lot of anxiety about driving myself.

As you know, I have ablepsy This is right where it happened. Are you serious? It's still there?

I feel okay, what party part of your body is tense right now?

Which are cracked? Which there's nothing love that.

That's just a physical aftermath. But yeah, no, I'm not even playing it up. It is hard to drive by.

That spot, I bet it is. Yeah. It's a scary night, very confusing. I was a shock. It's huge. The police did not come because you have to die for the police.

Is anyone dead, sir? And I said no, no, I'm We're okay. I think sorry, we're not coming. You have to say that, oh, there's a bone sticking out of my neck. That's what they only will come if you are injured.

But then don't they need a police report for insurance. That's why we had to get an accident lawyer. Oh accident.

So that puts you through a routine process where they just, you know, put you through this insurance machine of seeing a doctor who doesn't really look at your X rays, send you to a physical therapist who thinks they just think that you're working the system, when really I want to know if my ribs are broken.

Yes, that would be good information.

You're still When I press on them, I make the sounds of a cat, scared cat.

It's just a high squeak, and I'm just squeezed by that guy that made all of us nervous.

I trust you, but you know you have to remember that strip of road, that whole feeling.

That you have.

This is very interesting.

Information to me I learned from my therapist. The brain doesn't know time.

So when you go past a thing like that, your brain, when it remembers it, it remembers it like it just happened.

It's not like it knows that it happened.

Three weeks ago.

So your brain like when it sends back all the memories and the messages and stuff like that, it's it's as if it's either going to happen now or that it just happened.

It felt.

The feeling in my head was a fresh feeling. Yes, but I know that my brain is conscious of time passing.

And that it was three weeks and now.

No.

That's what I'm here to tell you is you don't understand time. I am. I'm in a constant state of continual being. Yes, you uh.

It is not unlike Groundhouse's Day the film, except.

For just your scenery change is a lot more. That's why there's been this song in my head. That's why I use a clock radio.

I am going are being pulled over? No, I'm going to signal and pull. I don't know what the siren means, but it makes me nervous. Hopefully they're helping someone that was in an accident.

Now they're gonna come up over this hill. Oh oh, I hope we rolled up the windows sound purposes. Oh yeah, good good. That was a fire truck. Everybody, You never know what that They're always first to respond. Wait, look at that. Look at that billboard.

Maybe someone didn't call before they did. I know, did I really die?

Did I really die? Resurrection ABC?

If there's any billboard that has bothered me the most, other than half the movies that like Frozen, that one since the accident, I don't.

Like seeing that. Oh yeah, I really don't like saying that that I really died.

I also don't like seeing the one with Greg Kanar with raw meat on his face.

Fucking Greg Kenannar, Man, I'm done with him.

I guess saw him too. I'm done. You've had it.

I didn't know I was done until I saw a stetch raw meat on his face. That's what you do if you have a black eye in a cartoon, Yes, that's.

From nineteen forty four, go to a doctor. Uh well. And also Kimire's character Greg Kenre.

I heard a great story of him when he worked with Harrison Ford on Sabrina. He went to Harrison Ford's fairly one day and Harrison Ford as everyone knows, the big Stoner, and Harrison Ford said, you want to smoke the pot? And Greg Kanner said, I'm going to call the police. Greg Kimure is like an old school like Republican Nazi Square.

You're a kidding to the MS degree. This is what I heard.

This is I love gossip, and I'm happy to pass it on on this podcast.

Rather than saying, oh my god, I'm gonna get high with Indiana Jones. Right, he said, I'm gonna call the pillage, call the police. That weed belungs in a museum. That's what he said.

After that, he said, I'll trade you that weed for this bag of sand that's the same.

Waves very then he got a darkness neck and that was Sabrina, and that was the movie Sabrina. You're Sabrina everybody. Now.

We're coming down past the Oakwood Apartments, very famous apartment complex for actors that go to Hollywood for a short stance. Really, yeah, that's where everybody lives, like when they first get to town.

I think it's a famous driveway to do a you turn in when you give up on going up Barham.

Yeah, that's or if you're on your way to an audition at Warner Brothers and then you're like, why am I doing this?

I'm never gonna get this part. We're coming up near a conan. I don't want to. I mean, my podcast, I could brag, but I was on the Conan program.

Let's say we can always pry Ago always brags.

I'm just gonna list some of my IMDb credits right back at your nuts. When I get mad in a car all of a sudden from New York, I've only spent a week there in my life, accumulated.

But also that car was going the other direction, and he's four lanes away, but him.

Now I hear your horn. Yeah, I get it. You got somewhere to be. That's opposite direction of me. I was leaving Conan when I got rear ended.

I know. I keep mentioning that, no, you can't. This is all the relevant stuff, is what we're going to be talking about. Yeah, traffic, mental illness. I just threw that in there. You do trauma? Oh do you want to tell that story? Is that what you about last night? Yeah?

Will you retell the plot of a Bell last night?

That one will Rob Low film? Yeah, I certainly will. Or the new one with Kevin Hart. If you notice that they're making.

They made it, Yeah about last night, I believe so. Oh yeah, but still with Demi Moore right.

Oh, yes, in blackface, I think it's kind of offensive. That's not right. It isn't right. Maybe for me it would be set.

We're getting very close to the Burbank Airport, yes, judging by how far away we are, I have exactly enough time to tell this story about last night. I was at a party, Michelle Balloon's friend of mine. I'm gonna want to take the left.

You're gonna want to get over one lay, gonna do that?

Sweet now, when you said Michelle Balloon is gonna leave again, her.

Husband is a scientist, saying that right, and he got a fancy job, and uh, Philly, Philly, Philly, Delphia. Yeah, And they have a nice house.

And we were having a nice get together in the backyard and a man approached the fence much in a home improvement style where we couldn't see his eyes. He just presented his eyebrows and held a bag of food over the edge. You said, anyone wants some French fries and a burger.

I was hungry.

I took this food from a stranger and started shoving it in my mouth.

Red flag number one.

Yeah, I could have been poisoned because the guy that came over looked like a murderer.

He was a young kid. I could tell that just disheveled.

It seemed upset, but he was smiling and trying to be nice. We let him go inside and have a drink. He sat down. Things were winding down for us. We were the party was coming to a close. And then he just starts arguing with me about skateboarding, whether or not I actually skateboarding, because it was just something.

That came up, and you don't. I do skateboard quite a bit, you don't. Yes, this is how he was.

You're just like him, my same accent.

He called me a lying son of a pitch. Oh, but he immediately turned on you.

And there was knives all over. There was ten knives. He could have stabbed me so many different ways because we are cutting cake and hot dogs and things, and so there's knives. So I started gathering the knives. Michelle's husband was like, hey, it might be time for you to go.

And he's like, no, I'm not ready to go. Oh I'm gonna stick around here for a bit. Hey.

You know what if you're at a party and someone says it's time for you to go, the only answer is sounds great, yeah.

Not for him? And then ready to go? And then soon I came up my girlfriend. She said, oh, you're sad. You're a sad man, and he when killman's crazy and indeed sad. They do not want to hear that. No, no, no no. So that's when he said, get her away from me and.

Start calling her names. I'm like, am I going to fight this guy? But he seemed scary. I was very scared of very big. A lot of people are bigger he was.

He was a big kid. He lives next door with his seventy eight year old parents.

Oh.

He went into the front of the house and he was drinking at soda. At this point, I'm like, should vomit? I think he poisoned us.

He would not leave.

We kept telling him to believe Michelle's kept calling the cops. All these cops showed up, tasers out. He was yelling at the cops, said he was gonna this isn't over, This isn't over, yelling at the house. I'm gonna sue you.

I don't know what his grounds were for suing us for being a skateboard fraud. Yeah, he's gone.

Really, I swear to god, I've skateboarded since the nineties and it was so sad because his parents have dealt He clearly was unstable.

This wasn't just a bad night for him. His parents were elderly.

His dad was a eighty year old white haired man that was on the porch and they were just sad and they said, please come in, Miho. And then the cops said no, he can't come in, and they rested him and they he was calling them motherfuckers and yelling at them, and it was scary. He was a crazy person who.

Was in the same room as I mean, Michelle's baby was asleep.

He could have like, you know, that's what makes him scary is there's babies everywhere, you know.

Yeah, yeah, they surrounded by babies. There's crazy people. There's babies you can't even see. There's a mentally ill man near a knife, and then ten feet in the other direction there might be a sleeping baby sleeping be world.

Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of risk. I think it's probably the reason you shouldn't go ragging about all your skateboarding. I mean, it seems like you started it.

Hey, I like to mix it up. He said, what kind of trucks do you skate? And I'm like, all different kinds. I don't believe you. You haven't picked a brand of truck. Oh hey, I like to I like different brands of things. I don't stick with a brand like Yeah. I just feel like you could have answered. I should have given him what he wanted. I should have just said, you're right. Say fans, Oh yeah, fans everything, fans, fans. Ope. I wear a lot of ocean fishes, of course, because

Wait, that's what I was going to ask you when that guy wanted to fight you, because I know that happens to guys occasionally, which I have to admit I love.

I love it if he was a dude just being a dick because there was a little club there. I like to have find a weapon when someone's bigger than me. Yes, I was holding it. He knew I was holding it. It only made him angrier and more excited. And that you can always tell him when someone has nothing to lose. Yeah, and I can pretend to act crazy, but when someone legitimately is, they trump me, and I'm like, okay, yeah, I don't know what this guy's capable of. I thought

He had stuff in his pockets that the police put in evidence. Fact, so who knows it's so crazy? Yeah, yeah, he was. He was scary. Now this brings up my other point that I was saying earlier, which is I think you need to go.

To a shaman or some kind of a psychic healer a person. Yeah, between that car accident and in this event, I think you need to get some.

Stuff cleansed off of you.

So I should go into one of those Urtz sweat lodges and take health.

Cynogenics, yes, or like maybe the scientology center.

Okay, just maybe too many body seats. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want these things to keep happening to you. Yeah.

Yeah, And I bet it's because of all these emotions that are conjured through the ghosts of alien beings.

Right, that's probably what's been bothering me.

They got knocked out of your spine when you were rear ended.

You know what, I think it knocked a few space ghosts.

I love that show. Oh god, damn, it was funny. It was really a good show. It was a good show.

Nobody cares Moby.

Did you ever see the one where they interview Moby and the end he just ends the interview by guy.

Nobody cares Moby. Nobody cares the best. Don't we all want to tell Moby.

That Let's talk about the TV shows?

Yeah? Oh, come on, Chris, Let's see the forest. Wow, we are very close to the airport. I'm quit navigating because I didn't.

Want Yeah, I can get you there. This is actually my hood.

I believe in Burbank. Oh wow, maybe we can pretend we're picking you up. M h So where you have to?

Oh I'm going to I'm gonna go to the lapstop in Houston.

Oh, yes, it's been close for four years.

If you're gonna lie on a podcast, at least make sure you mention things that exist.

You better have your fact straight, lady, because people will check them.

The leftop has been closed for a number of years. I was doing a character of a person yelling at me. That was pretty extreme. When was that? I didn't hear you yelling, just.

No, not really yelling, but yeah, well I'm not listening.

No one's fake upset with you. What about that guy? He looks like you need a ride.

He's got some high jeans and a sweet ass belt on.

You're right, I don't trust those high waisted jeans. You're on your own, buddy.

Sorry, great, can't deal with another potential taser situation.

You're not getting in this Honda with those signature jeans from Kirkland.

He's got forty nine other pairs of those jeans, bottom and bulk.

Yeah, along with some batteries and muffins and a Donald Trump book.

He man, this podcast is gonna have so much costco humor.

This might be the last mustard I ever buy. My dad walked in with a two gallon jug of mustard. We laughed. Potentially you will die before the mustard's gone. I mean, yeah, Wendy, it's summertime. Maybe you use it twenty times. It's the kind of on how many hot dogs you can sell? I guess that's true.

Mustard is only for use on hont This is kind of an interesting shopping center that they built that's all fast food and bad food right by the airport.

Yeah, it's like a little kiss of a of the Midwest, a small town call let's turn out.

Yeah, it's like you can go there specifically to go there's a dryer's ice cream place.

There.

There's a Panda Express drive through, which I never saw that before.

That's bad news for me. I didn't not eat a Panda Express.

After their billboard that said we've been bamboozled, I showed U pandas near some bamboo.

I mean, I like wordplay, but that's a big.

L Yeah, well, because what are they was there some kind of bamboo dish that they were making.

It doesn't even make sense it really. I think they used bamboo, they chop it on. I don't know. I don't think. I don't think we eat bamboo. I think people eat bamboo. Sometimes there's bamboo in a soup or something. Listeners eat around it. Listeners, Yeah, call in. We're gonna say just the Bamboo Hotline is live.

Let us know if we eat bamboo or not.

We are if we do we do. It's in like fun Foh no, I think you're Bamboo fun. I might. Okay, we're here.

We are at the Bob Hope International with the pastor, and I'm just gonna get closer to her side, just see if we recognize anyone, maybe a star.

Comedian. So far, it's just regular people, those guys saying goodbye, very sweet. Yeah, people taking it easy. Okay, I don't know him. Okay, well, like he's stone Golf.

Wow, it's pretty empty actually, yeah, Sunday afternoon, you think people would be either coming back.

Or going to somehow. I think they're on the podcast time.

We're going where most most often going to be going to and from lax And you agree.

That's most Yeah, I think so you know why because you can't really get I think you have to pay a little bit.

More for flights at a burbank and or they just don't have as many.

Yeah. I I never understand if it's for any reason other than you live nearby here. I can never understand leaving. Should we go back around? Yeah?

Yeah, I say let's make the security here nervous and just do some loops.

Well, then I'm going to pull out my peas. Okay, I'll just good. You've been here before quite a few times.

I actually like to balet my car because I'm late for everything, the tea, very late, okay for everything, all at least twenty minutes later all the time.

And you can just pull up there. They'll take your car. It's so la. They'll take your car. And it's like twenty bucks a day, so you don't have to drive out to like Lot B and then take a tram. Sure, twenty bucks a day if you have that kind of money, and they'll wash it for you. See, these are the kind of tips we give you.

So it's it's not just driving comics to the airport, but then also just how to deal with the airport.

Be at the airport logistic airport logistic airport logistics. Don't bring water, yeah, I still to this day. I mean, how long ago is nine to eleven?

I kind of like to stick it to them a little bit and bring exactly under four ounces of water.

And who do you think you're sticking it to?

That's the man, the man, either if she's a lady or a fella, I'm sticking it to the man. If you've got a uniform and I'm drinking water right in front of your face.

You've been had.

That is classic skateboarder attitude that it didn't.

Just like a kickflip in your face. Oh oh, that's interesting look at it. Because it's a tiny airport are all the way around. This is such a mon pop airport.

That really is just like Bob Oak's comedy, so accessible, so accessible, so racist.

So easy to not laugh at, so evil to Koreans? Was he? Yeah, he's very famous in the Asian community. He came into the Los Angeles area. He bought up a bunch of.

Burbank from he basically repossessed it from people who were either somehow Asian.

I can I think they.

When they when they in turned Koreans during the Korean War. He went in and bought up all their all their property. So he owned acres and acres of like fruit trees and orchards and stuff that had belonged to Korean people who.

Had lived here and settled here. He is definitely an old school comic. I'm just gonna I mean, that's so old school comedy. Just to come and take your orchard, well, to buy a neighborhood from a race of people. That's so, that's like something Shecky Shacky Burfler would have done, or maybe a young Sammy Shore.

So we're we're pulled over. We're just if I recognize anyone, we're gonna give them a ride home. Okay, that's the premise of our podcast.

I'm gonna force it. Do you see that yellow corvette up there? Yeah, you don't see those often being used. Why don't you go up right now and buy us some cocaine. That'd be great. That is such a coke ironcoom than that woman who's dressed like a bumblebee. I guess that that she's she's just into yellow. That'd be kind of amazing. If you got your coke at the airport, that's where your dealer, well.

It's kind of a high risk place to get any kind of illabel substance.

It's it's a high risk place to park.

But people are practically given it away because you bring a bag of coke.

And you're like, oh, I can't go through security with this. That's right, I better get rid of it herbside.

Might be even cheaper than if you went into your normal coke areas to get it.

Every once in a while when I do the baggage check, you know, it's more convenient on the sidewalk.

I'll just tip the guy with a bag of coke.

Yeah, two birds with one stone, because then you're not bringing it on the plane. And he's like, oh sweet, I was about to go to a high octane dance club tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, this is important.

Support any suspicious behavior, support it, support it.

Yeah, so just say hey, good job, buddy with you love what you're doing over there with your suspicion. Yeah, you're hunched over. I like the sunglasses a weird shuffle. So you're gonna get tips from us, and then also from just anything over loud speakers that might be in the area.

It's sure to support suspicious behavior.

I have to say that the music that they have here at the Burbon Airport, like that plays on their system is excellent.

Yeah, it's about it in lax lax seems. It's always like, listen to.

This rat jam from Phil Collins. Can we get that cleared right now? We have to get Phil Collins money.

What if Phil Collins came out of the Burbank Airport and needed a ride to Beverly.

Hills, uh Ibia I'd say, do you need a ride out of STU STU Studio City.

That's always a joke that I wanted to say, specifically to him at this specific airport.

All of your dreams are coming true on this podcast. This is really excellent. Mm hmm, it's coming together. I can't wait.

If I saw him, I'd say, you've got a groovy kind of luggage.

A groovey kind of luggage. I love it. It's the only one. It's that's the only Phil Collins song I can think of it, and it's not even his song. I would offer to help him with his luggage and then and then retract it and say, oh, no, you got it, you know, out of multitask and that doesn't mean make sense, but he would know that it's about the fact that he can sing and drum oh at the same time. I like it.

So it's you're no longer quoting songs, right, Yeah, it's.

Just uh, you know, specifically in a roundabout way, complimenting his ability, right, because a lot of people can't do that.

I think it's as yes and not sound like you're playing the drums while.

You're singing, right, And he did all the Ronald Reagan claymation in that music video.

Is that true he made those puppets? That joke is for someone exactly our age.

If you graduated high school anytime after nineteen ninety you, sorry, pal.

You probably aren't even laughing. You're just like, oh, yeah, I remember that.

You're Like, God, if I didn't love Airport so much, I would not be listening.

To this bullshit. Remember that sweaty Ronald Reagan's puppet, Yes, scared the hell out of me.

Well, because he woke up in like a puddle and then they slow mode the shot.

Remember that when he like woke up and it was we.

Grew up in it under the threat of constant threat of nuclear nihilation.

No one ever talks about that, we being children of that era. Yeah, it was really fucked up. Red Dawn was like a documentary to me.

It was straight up real, like get ready for this somehow.

Some people are just like, oh, that's just one of Patrick Swayzey's early movies, Like no, No, it was caused nightmares.

That was the kind of thing you would think about in high school of like and if and if the parachutes came, now, what would I do?

Russian parachutes will come to your high school and shoot into the windows.

I have to tell you, though, is that is that Dane Cook in that super sport?

It might be that seems like a car. What if we picked Dane Cook up out of his own car? He would not be happy to see me.

I went up after he was bragging about having sex with Marisa Tomey and doing the joke was that he took her oscar and stuck it in her vagina.

That was sick. Yeah, that's a no. The audience didn't recognize it at its one good, but he did. They did appreciate.

That he was doing a low energy, dark version of Dan Cook. He stopped pacing around and saying things in threes, that guy needs a ride?

Are you funny, sir? I don't know. I don't know that hat's funny anyway.

Wait, I'm still insanely disturbed by statue rape.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then at the end of it, I went up after him and said, wow, how many people here really liked Mercy Tomain until they heard that she had sex with Dan Cook and he.

Was still in the room and so whatever. I could have been friends with that X mega star. No, no, so plus he's already in this car. I was driving already. I know, I was saying. It was like a power move. We would pick him up from his car. Oh, like my Honda is better than you're charging. Yeah, yeah were.

I think maybe part of Dame Cook's problem is because he got so popular. I don't think he learned from enough people, like anyone that would do a comedy bit like that first of all, kissing and telling comedy aside, yeah ross.

He also talked about how how much money has and how easy it was for him to get there.

Excuse me to get what I think.

I puked in my mouth, which is bad for a podcast, but I you know, I just tried yourhead.

I swallowed and this is leftover trauma from when we drove by your car accidents. I am so uncomfortable in this car.

I'm sweating and I have vomited ten times during this podcast.

But also could it be because you're sweating because it's hot now and have air conditioning and you're wearing a very thick flannel shirt because what am I? The brawny paper towel man. It's another classic skateboarder move is to dress like a man who chops. What for a living? Yes, so, Jen Xley, it is extreme.

No matter what the weather, You've always got to have your Pendleton's shirt on.

It is I flannel.

Hey, if you were ever questioning it warm body warming abilities, I'm here to say I'm very uncomfortable in sweating.

Well, thank you for clearing up those doubts.

Certainly there's no one at this airport. Is it condemned. It's like a ghost airport. All the airplanes are ghost planes. They're like transparent Wonder Woman planes that have ghosts.

Oh my god, I love to fly in one of those.

It would be great, except you know, people can see up your skirt if you fly low enough.

I give you close pins skirt up yep.

I remember that in every Wonder Woman cartoon they would have that moment where she closed pinder skirt. She'd be like, watch it, aquaman.

See, I better not fly low over any construction sites or I'm gonna get.

Cat called an invisible tier. Yeah, she still gets sick. Flee your ass.

She might be wonderful, but she's a woman.

Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. I don't know any of these people she has wonderful with hair I find out on the road. If we would maybe.

Say, yeah, they just d yeah, we'd say, like we would get out and hug them, right, because you need that, Like if you're about to go do either a week or a weekend somewhere in a town that you don't know, right, there's nothing worse. That's part of the way that we thought of this and decided to do this podcast.

Is there's really nothing worse when you're a comedian.

And maybe this does loop back around to Dan what I was saying about Dane Cook randomly that now I think, I mean, which is your alone a lot? You get a lot of weird ideas when you're alone a lot. And I think the idea of dropping someone off and kind of trying to bolster.

Them on their way to a place might be nice. Yeah, when you're sitting alone in a hotel. Okay, I'm going to get left. Turn yep. Oh, I'm sorry. Well we're leaving the airport. We did our business. It's done here. I did I know, But now you're on this weird thing. Oh.

I'm not from this area. I'm a beach living man. I lived by the beach areas, am I going, am I are we in DANGERO?

Is that why you're sometimes when the trains come, you're dir.

That's why you're laughing maniacally. It's just how you deal with trauma.

It is, actually, can I tell you it is?

I have a laughing problem anyway, And I learned that on podcasts.

When I listen to my podcasts, I just laughed like an idiot the whole time if something is going horribly wrong.

Yeah, it's just a nice cover, you know, it's a release and it makes people feel a little bit better.

But I often mean it like sixty percent of the time. But no. I was once with Jay Johnston.

And our are We were both with our respective boyfriends and girl, uh huh, and he was driving down the five. We were on our way somewhere, and he was speeding and did this thing where like basically, all of a sudden, all the lanes were closed and we were heading straight into like a cement barrier.

Oh I don't need that, And it happened.

I'm sorry, it happened really really fast, and so everybody, like the guy always was, screamed, his girlfriend screamed, and I burst out laughing, and then he couldn't stop.

Like when it was all over. He because it was like, Karen, what's wrong with you?

That you started laughing and that, And I was just like, I don't know, that's just that's just my I don't know.

I learned a lot about myself that fence mechanism. I when shit hits a fan. I once visited my dad at the hospital.

He was bleeding that we thought he was gonna die and wouldn't stop bleeding. Internally, he's okay now, he's a healthy, happy man. But at the time we thought he was gonna be.

Tits up, and so we I visited him.

We were so funny. Yeah, we were just riffing. My dad and I have never had better jokes. Yes, And it's because we thought this is horrible.

This is how we deal with it.

That's exactly right. That's how my family is too.

I don't know if it's the most productive.

No, I mean it depends on what what is product what you see as productive.

Creepy.

That place was so creepy. It was called Kid's Castle.

Did you see it?

No?

Is it like a medieval times etery for children for children?

So it's all blue and yellow and white, but it looked like, if my mom dropped me off there, I would.

Never see kids work there.

Of us, I hope children don't work there as waitresses and dressed like slutty barmaids.

It's totally for adults, but they call it kids Castle and I get yee some milk.

We just we stumble upon some strange pedophilia ring on our podcast.

Never been done.

Before that, that would be that would be a standout episode. This is our inaugural episode. I've been wanting to say.

That, yes, that's exactly right.

We are when we when we wrap it up, and we should soon, we're gonna smash a bottle of champagne on the front of my car.

Christen this episode, I like it is the ss Yeah, do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

We're gonna call it do you need to ride? Question mark? Of course that's the appropriate punctuation.

I mean he must have broken up with Marsa Tommy at this point, right before he stuck the statue in your puss, well, I mean before he started doing a bit about it.

I don't know. I think he just wanted to brag.

I feel really uncomfortable about seeing pussy and I've done it twice now, well he I think he just wanted to brag about back when he had it going on and he was dating Maris.

Oh, so this wasn't a current story.

No, No, it was nostalgia back in the old days. I was dating an Oscar winner maybe.

It was Marisa time. Everybody we did like that hand thing, like it's between you and I. But was there a joke? Was there an actual joke? It was just I think he just wanted to get it off his chest that he I don't remember.

He wanted to shock everyone with I think the joke was, uh, did you see the oscar when you were dating her?

And he said, see it? I would hold it while I fucked her, which.

Is kind of it's a visual of someone having sex and holding the oscar. Yeah, that's somewhat recognizable as a joke, sure, And then as an ad lib ken.

He said, yeah, I stuck.

It in her okay, And so everyone was a little horrified when we were you know, armful.

Of swallowed man, what take it? But that's his first.

Album, it's called what Armful of Swallowed? Oh, Like a lot of those jokes, it's like, hey, hey, you better have an extra glass of water, because this is a big pill. You're about to down some of my observational joke of how our body positions when we vomit at a party.

Album trigger warning, it just be all about if you ever raped with a bottle.

Don't listen to this. You're not going to like it.

I'm going to describe some of my behavior in the past, so you know, as a lady what to avoid.

Yeah, I kind of love that.

It's almost like he doesn't know what to leave in the locker room anymore. I think that's kind of That's kind of what I'm at where it comedy can be so that way, it's like no holds barred or everything's allowed, but everything really is allowed.

Really at the end of the day, the audience tells you what's allowed and it's not allowed.

Yeah, you don't decide that. It's decided by people laughing hopefully.

Well, and also it's like you probably could get away with that joke wonderfully if you're on some late show or some self declared edgy show, which is always so very edgy.

I'm not at the improv it. What time was it a vaginal entry themed show?

Sorry?

Well, finally, you mean the one. I'm booking storytelling rape shows where.

People really get to stay their side of the story.

Finally, finally, what you weren't allowed to do in the courtroom? All right? Of the road, God, leave it to a plumber to jump in the road on a Sunday. He's got rusty pipes on the brain. Triple overtime. Wait, is that something dirty? No? No, I just think he was doing alone.

He was working on some plumbing. Rusty pipes. Yeah, now was all that.

It seemed like a sodomizing She had rusty pipes on the brain. You know what I mean? I do, no man, a disgusting episode. This has been God, damn it. It's our it's our darkest. Uh, it's rapius for sure. Any describing word you can think of. This episode is the most that because our first. Yeah, it's the hottest. It's very hot.

It's been like it to spring, kind of a nice color to my cheeks, like a natural.

Natural blush. Actually, I was gonna ask if you were having a stroke, you might think it looks nice and natural.

But it seems like I hear that you become your most beautiful right before you stroke out.

That's why it's they that's the deciding factor for a lot of open casket funerals.

That's how pretty you look, right when you got stiff. Well that was I'm sorry. I just that was. I apologize. I don't like talking about death.

Oh yeah, well, don't worry about it.

I don't know what happens when we die. I just did. I shouldn't be discussing it so flippantly.

Figure, yeah, but you're fine with breaking someone with an oscar.

I never thought twice about it. You know? Wait, is that the rock in front of us? Because that's a fucking white Lamborghini.

I think we are behind the rock in a sweet ass lambou.

That would be I love the rock, I do too, and I like lambos. Wait, I can see, I can see the review. He's got the rock eyebrows. I can see. I can smell when he's cooking. I smell something. Is it what the rock's cooking? And his lambos?

Yeah, those cars, it's very sad because there's look how low it is, like any bump you go over, you scrape that.

That's the sad part of a Lamborghini and the only reason now own one clearance? Poor clearance? Where is that want of fit over there. Look how high?

Oh god, I can't even look at it. Death trapped toaster, toaster filled with blood. You gotta trade that thing in, Karen, I absolutely will. I'm not gonna lose another thread to a Honda Fit.

If we were going to get a sponsor for this podcast, it's sure as hell isn't gonna be hand. Well, maybe Honda could come back Honda Fits. You know it would do.

It would almost be like that exact point counterpoint where there would be a sponsor that'd be like, yeah, you heard what they said, but.

What the do they know? Yeah, drive to the airport for no reason. Their side of the story. We make cars and half for a really long time. I think now is a good time for me to say I really have enjoyed my two thousand and eight Corp. It's a great car.

Started as a lease, transferred that into a bank loan. I still have a lot of money on this thing. But you know, it runs like a new runs like a champ.

What would be amazing is if in the middle of that speech you're just giving you.

Rear ended the rock in his white Lambo. It's kind of hard to talk and drive. I am gonna I bet it is.

Yeah, because wait, I drove that other time that we did a test run.

I don't remember. I was very drunk during that. Why you d time I was nervous. I was nervous. You were nervous. I was nervous. I thought I got, but mostly nervously.

When I get it's like a nervous tick where I allow of people tap their phot or snap their gum.

I go by whiskey and drinking and it helps, right, Oh yeah, help. He takes the edge off.

Sure, it takes the edge off of having workable friendships, takes the edge off of not getting arrested.

I'm just following at Lamborghini now I've decided, yeah, not, let's just.

Go where he goes, Okay, I mean that's what he wants. That's what people who drive cars now.

When you drive a flashy exotic, you know you just want people to go to your house. You're you're asking to be trailed. We understand that you're peacocking.

Sir, and we are falling for it time we are hot on your trail.

Did I ever tell you the story about when I was I was turning somewhere in Hollywood, like like Center Hollywood, like near the Arkway, and I was taking a right around this corner and there was a guy that was going to take a left off the street. I was turning out too, So basically as we passed each other, we were face to face kind of. And he was a very good looking man who looked like me did in an extra in uh uh, what's that movie that

Around Riverside Drive. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna go under this underpants stop. I'm gonna it's a yellow So what You're not gonna go in the underpass? You're gonna go over there. Okay, we're gonna merge to the I don't know what that's called. It's it's kind of just taking him right. You're listening to traffic talk caring it, Chris.

So I passed this guy and as he looked kind of like the Rock, he kind of looked like a guy.

He was wearing a silk shirt at noon that was open as far as.

I could say. And you and I bone that both, No silk shirt is even anywhere. That's exactly right.

Yeah, he looked very fancy for being like a Saturday mid morning. Sure, and as I turned, he pointed out the window at me and pointed at me as I made my turn.

All the way around, he was selecting you, kind of like he was picking me.

It was really one of the more incredible things, because that's the kind of guy that doesn't I'm not usually the type that registers with a guy like that. I would assume I'm right now, I'm wearing a pair of Brooks. I'm very low.

Because he didn't know you were wearing Brooks. You couldn't see my feet. There's a woman that wears comfortable shoes. I don't there she is. Did you want to pull over and redeem whatever your prize was gonna be?

Yes?

Because he was actually hot. He was hot in the funniest, like jokiest way.

I can't even explain it, but it was.

It was a pretty powerful experience, enough so that it was that boring of a story and I still told it on our inaugural.

Pot No, it's giving me.

I should we do an episode in the future where we just pick up a male prostitute. Yes, and you can relive where you feel like you didn't indulge that I feel.

Like, but this guy didn't have a prostitute feel as much as he.

Had like he's an open silk shirt care I'm saying club owner. He's the guy that the the people that they tried to get in and they're like, can we see Maurice And they're like, no, Maurice isn't seeing anybody.

And that was fucking.

Maurice in his car, who was just like you lady and I And also it felt like he was doing it.

Maurice is just a cat. This is Morris.

Okay, if you get over there at that next light, I was.

I was in a car accident right here.

Really, there was an intern when I worked on Ellen many years ago.

There was an intern who was supposed to be driving me somewhere. No, but I think he worked with her.

And she was looking down like I was like, can you turn this down a little bit or whatever? She looked down, she turned the radio down and for way too long, and when she looked up, there was a guy making a U turn and we basically hit his car right there.

It was a little bit crazy. I know, Okay, left, yeah, just will take us back over to.

Help riverside all is a very popular Burbank street, isn't it.

Yes, it's one of our it's one of our greatest streets.

It's one that Jay Leno mentions a lot. Yeah, because the right. I love Popeye. I think cartoon and the Chicken.

I think he's a really unsung cartoon character. He's hilarious. That's stuff he muttered under his breath. Yeah, I don't know what he would mutter, but stuff like that. A little insecure.

He would just say things under his breath. And we're headed back the way we came. This is I don't want to toot my own navigation horn.

Here, but I feel like I did pretty well driving and having conversation. Yeah, you did great. Actually, the Taco be went out of business. Isn't that weird how a bell go out of business?

So that was one of the old ones where they actually made it look like a Pleblau with a bell tower, right, And I think those they're made of asbestos chips or so they just are like, Nope.

That's why the food's so good. Yeah, extra chemical. It's the we shaved a little off the ceiling and give you the savings now.

And remember taco lights, they were the chacos with flower shells that they tried.

It was right when light food quote unquote was getting popular. L Yeah, so they called them taco lights, but they were no less chloric than anything else. They just they were actually light or weight exactly.

They were fluffy, fluffy or And the reason I loved them, they were actually really good.

And the reason they stopped a campus because they all broke. They were truly two lights. Oh really? Yes, what that's a weird noise? Yeah, you know what it is. You can't shut only a couple of windows to get those. That's interesting. That can only happen on a podcast in a car.

Yeah, you're not gonna find that on What the fuck with Mark Mare.

And everybody irritating flappy noises caused by the wind and a high speed. I thought my ear drum is going to burst it for one second. Well, but I just kept on talking about taco light.

I didn't it didn't talk up your story, No, no, because I'm trained actress.

My projection was good the whole time. You lot stage work, you can't. Yeah. Yeah, I've painted scenes and todd a lot of taco monologues.

Jud could never stop talking about his tacos and talk about that's my podcast talking about tacos.

Don't get Karen started it on tacos. See, this podcast will be go until.

The sun goes down. Speaking it Up'm going to apply my sunglasses.

Well, I think that we should wrap it up, for sure. I think we should edit out the past seven minutes. No, no, I mean we can do that. Sure. I thought that was uh's for the best, the best work we've done together. But you know, you mean the taco chunk. This is an unedited podcast. I'm gonna go ahead. Wow, No, I'm not gonna say that. What Well, why not? I think that's exciting, Like it's almost like we're saying we're.

Live people, like the ups and downs of a conversation the walls.

Yes, for sure.

Well, also, I finally understand what podcasts the value that they hold, which is that you like usually I listen to them when I'm by myself, and I just it feels like you're hanging out and so.

Thanks for hanging out with us. Yeah, thanks for hanging out with us, because we're great. Yeah.

You We're like a warm blanket and a cozy movie and we're always.

Here in this car.

Were always driving around.

I don't know how I'm gonna pay my bills. I gotta get out of this car at some point. No, you stay in this car podcast? Yes money, Yes? Uh should we stay until you pass your accent point again? No?

No, I think we Uh I might have a breakdown. I think that we should.

Uh, you can do that off. I kind of want to get on the freeway, which is no, Okay, we're gonna go down and planet.

We'll add it well, because the freeway won't really.

Help us, right, No, you're right. That's accidents just get more severe on a freeway. See some things. That's the lawyer. I got the mustache guy on the back of the bus. You literally called that number. He also had a silky shirt. Maybe the guy had selected you just wanted to defend you in court. Oh that's so romantic. Yeah, it was the way it was flapping, like god that has is in court. But this shirt is unbuttoned to his belt.

And then when he says this case is closed, he does a little salsa dance.

He snaps under each elbow, this case is closed, Snap, snap, and we're done.

Had a sombrero with salsa in it. He dips a chip in there. I don't know. No nobody does. That's the beautiful part. No one knows. Okay, we are we uh, we're done. We are done. We're done with this. This was a good episode. You need a ride, which is what we're gonna call it. Should we end every episode by finding out what songs on radio? I think we'll end it with a song that you recorded. Okay, we'll play that right now. I leave.

Then I want way mad you do. We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you time and turning on and gay.

We want to send you off inside. Do you want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it? We scared? He was it? Fine? Now porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris