¶ Introduction to the Show
Hi , I'm Carlene and this is Diva . Tonight I have with me on Zoom Jodi Law and she is in Manchester , uk , united Kingdom . I guess is what you say . Most people say , the UK . So how are you , hi , carlene ?
Yeah , I'm okay , that's good . The accent is not very Mancunian .
Definitely , I think . I think a lot of people in , especially here in North America , we're always a little bit obsessed with the British accent , or , you know , just any accent that sounds different from ours . Because you're , so it's carried as the the well-spoken right .
So and so then then an Australian accent comes on . Completely sorry about that that's okay .
so , anyways , the show is diva tonight and this is 40 , a female perspective and basically , um , I'm talking to women who have , who are 40 , or women who are older , just to talk about their personal stories and their personal experiences . And for you , you've had quite the journey .
You've worked in the health care sector , for health system for 30 years and you know , I think the hardest thing to discuss is being in an emotionally abusive marriage for 11 years . You know , I wasn't , I'm not married , but I think I can understand what that's like myself , because abusive family is what I grew up with and I don't really talk about it .
But I think when you're at this stage in life , you are comfortable talking about certain things . So for you , what was the deciding factor in leaving an abusive relationship ? What was the turning point ? Yeah , that's it .
Like you know , I have come such a long way since then , but for me there was a couple of things that happened actually . So it was actually a 20-year marriage . Yeah , we were 12 years in before I had children . So at that stage my children were really like five and seven .
They were young and it had got to the stage where I didn't have any input with them in the relationship .
I was working and basically bringing in the money and long shifts , so I'd go to work and they were in bed and I'd get home and they were in bed and so when I did get to see them , they already had their the three of them as in my ex-husband and the two children had their routine going on .
So I , even when I wasn't working , I did , I wasn't , it was like I was a lodger in my own home , and so there was a couple of things that happened . I met someone who I just found really interesting and we moved around a lot . So I didn't have , I wasn't , even though I went to work .
Like you say , you don't talk about that sort of stuff , you just don't . And emotional abuse is a funny thing because , like physical abuse , you can see it , but emotional is a totally different thing . Like physical abuse , you can see it , but emotional is a totally different thing . It's you basically end up second guessing yourself all the time .
You don't know who you are anymore at all because everything that you think is you believe is questioned by the other party . So you're really lost .
And so we've been in a place this time for two years and I got to know a couple of the girls that I worked with and there was a couple of situations where it was just so evident that my ex-husband was just he was just so rude to them and I thought , oh my God , it's not just me at all , it's not , it's not me , it's him .
And they were just so blatant and I'd had got to that point where I wasn't , I didn't have the children in my life , how I wanted to be a parent , and he was . It was just like that's it . I'd had enough , like there was no plan other than I need to get out of here . And so I did . I was .
I literally packed a suitcase and I paint , so I took a couple of canvases and and left , and the story that I think he told the children was that I was just going to stay with a friend , but he's not very open about those things , so I don't actually know what story he did tell the children .
Anyway , life's a lot different now , but at the time , yeah , it was . I'm so , so , so , so , so pleased I left . But oh my God , the heartache that you go through when you walk down the steps of the property that you've been living with and when they're out going for a coffee and you just don't go back Like yeah it feels like you .
You left a life that you were so used to , right , and I always wonder cause ? It's like they say that we kind of like embody the life that we grew up with . So I don't know . Did you , were your parents , married ? Did they have a good marriage ? Did you have good role models ?
and in that , yes , yeah , exactly like it was so different to how I grew up , like no way . My child was middle class mom , dad , three sisters and very uneventful , which is pretty good what I've experienced .
So it's like a total experience , like it's more like a trauma . That's the thing , isn't it ?
It's either like you grew up or it's totally opposite . It's a bit like so I say to my daughter you do realize you'll either marry someone like your father or someone totally opposite .
It's not an in-between thing and I went totally opposite with my relationship , their behavior changes and there's obviously some issues that they have that they haven't dealt with , and you can only help .
So much right and but also though I , like I wasn't in a good place when I met him .
You don't meet people like that if you're , if you're happy about yourself , and he was quite a bit older than me , so there was a lot of issues going on and I had traveled on my own , I'd done a lot of stuff on my own and I just and I wasn't happy with my career choice , all these things that bundled up into me not having a very high self-esteem anyway
, because if I had been happy , I would have met someone that that I was happy with . Do you know what ?
I mean , yeah , they always say that , so it's .
I was talking to a colleague of mine yesterday and she's you know , there's a lot of things , like you know , when you you listen to these podcasts , like the Mel Robbins podcast or even the greatness podcast , where they talk about how you have to be happy with yourself and where you are in life to attract that kind of person , and you said , yeah , do you ?
Yeah , and and and . That's the thing . Like so , my , my healing journey began when I left there and I've learned so much about me since because I didn't know anything about me . I mean even just basic stuff . It was like I had no blueprint of how to live life . It was that whole . When I got out , like I can remember .
This is how I smile and laugh because it's just like how does an intelligent woman get herself into this position ? But it doesn't matter , I mean anyone . It can happen to anyone . That's the thing . Yeah , yeah , I can remember going to work not long after I'd left and my sister had given me enough money to get a car .
I remember in my head it was such a big deal . I had to visualize how I was going to go to the petrol station and get petrol in the car , because I was just so stressed about the fact , because I hadn't done it on my own , like and and . Then that was before I got to work . I was just it was crazy , but that's the extent to it was .
It was you were going through yeah , yeah , just so let's just what do you say this ?
what happens when you're what going through the motions or you're just going ?
it's just like there was no blueprint on how to live my life outside that , because I've been in such a cocoon for so long . We moved around so much and we did so much , yeah , so we had no community output .
¶ Meet Jodi Law from Manchester
It wasn't , and I'd never owned a car . We had a joint car , but I didn't drive it much . It was a very , very controlling situation . It's so , it's not . It's just so unhealthy . And so when I actually did get out and I had to start living on my own , I had no blueprint on how to live on my own .
It was just bizarre because I hadn't done anything on my own for that people for such a long time . Yeah , but what I want to know is where did you meet him ? Like , like you said , you were a lot younger when you did so .
Yeah , I finally I actually met him in . I've been traveling overseas over here . I've done the European , like a lot of Australians do . Yeah .
I've gone back to .
Perth and he was out there . He was out there . He'd actually been a 10 pound pump , so he'd lived there and he'd been back in two and he was out there and that's when I met him . So , and that's what I've been traveling around , not not knowing where to look and what to do , and went back home and met him and I was looking for direction , absolutely .
It's like when you're young and you don't understand the world , like you said you're , you're not given . We're not given the blueprint of how to raise a child , like there's books on it but there's not until you're actually going through it yourself . Or even if you have like role models , like you're saying it's .
It's , it's being confident in yourself and and knowing like this is not a good person Like it , and knowing to have boundaries too . I think having that self-confidence is it's really . It's easier said than done .
It really is and this is the thing I think like I look back now like I I've got , you know , yes , absolutely I've got boundaries and I'm totally confident in myself . But you know , this is 11 years later . I'm a totally different person , you know , and and it .
But it took excuse , french , it took balls , because when you come like I was in such a low spot but everything that I've learned , it's incredibly empowering and you don't have to be at that point that I was at to benefit from all the stuff that I'm now imparting to people with the work that I do , from all the stuff that I'm now imparting to people with
the work that I do . But it is so powerful . If you've got that confidence within you , then it's kind of like nothing matters . Whatever happens , you can deal with , it's that .
But getting out . But I mean , you've experienced it and other women have . And if someone is listening and they're in an abusive relationship now and they don't feel like they can get out if they have kids , they don't . You know what I mean . What do you say to them ?
Because , like you said , it took you so long to find the courage and determination to be like I'm leaving , I can't do this anymore . Yeah .
It is a really good question because obviously with all this there is no right and wrong and like there's so much judgment attached to all of this . Honestly , if they're listening , just do it . Just whatever it takes to do to find some internal thing and leave , and you know like statistically it takes . Now this was about 10 years ago .
It might even be longer , but for someone this is even with just physical abuse . It takes seven times on average for a woman to leave and she keeps returning , but seven times on average before they actually leave fully . So for some women it's a hell of a lot longer . But it's that habit that they get in . It just is just a habit .
It's what they're natural and they're comfortable with , even though it's abusive . And it does take courage to change habits , even if it's just a simple habit of eating too much chocolate . How difficult is that ? Let alone something that's that grassroots level that every time you get up in the morning you're in fear . It's a terrible situation .
Every time you get up in the morning , you're in fear . It's a terrible situation . There's so many people in that in those situations .
Yeah , very much , and I'm sure , I'm sure , like even when you left , like you had to do a lot of self-healing , you know , oh my , God , the , the seriously .
the walking out was the walking out was the reality is the walking out was the easy bit because you are totally on your own and , yes , there are organizations out there that help . But , to be honest , I left without my children and I wanted to ask about that . I didn't have the children , so I got less help because I didn't have the children , do you ?
feel like you had to leave the kids , like for you to get out .
Yeah , definitely , like I was in mentally , I wasn't in a state , and also because the relationship had gone like a gone the . He was mr mom , so it was less traumatic for them if I'd stayed , if I'd taken them with me . I had no infrastructure , never had to deal with my children , and I was the one earning the money as well .
So , yeah , you know what I mean . So , yeah , none of that was in place . So if I'd , if I'd waited to sort that out , I never would have left .
That's , that's the truth yeah yeah , yeah and and what's the relationship like now with your kids ? Bloody fantastic , there we go . I love that .
I can feel the energy .
When you say that you're like bloody fantastic , I feel it . I feel it when you say that yeah that's . That's amazing . For sure it's like you . It took you . You know , the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step , and so you had to do what you needed to do for yourself first , before you could take care of them , right ? Oh look , 100% 100% .
And you know , like I never lost contact with them and I always saw them . But I mean , some initially like it was kind of like well , what do I do with my kids when I have them ? Because I hadn't had them in any circumstance . It was really basic stuff . But what is it like to be a mum ? I don't know .
I haven't been , haven't been at all on my terms , yeah . And then they've gotten used to living with their dad and living in that kind of environment too , where he spent most of the time with them , right , and while you are at work , right ? So yeah .
I mean , obviously it's not like , you know , a mother-daughter or mother-son relationship , but it's fantastic . And the last my daughter's actually just left for uni this last year , but prior to that we were actually living together again and so after nine years we were living together . So it's been so .
You're just so grateful for the little things , even the 17-year-old tantrums and all the things that go with the hormones attached to being a teenager .
But it's really precious , I have to say you know it's always that brings tears to my eyes how good it is and it's just normal Like we still argue , like she triggers me absolutely , but I love every second of it .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . So what is she studying in school ?
She's at university . She's doing liberal arts and she's got herself into rowing , which she loves , and she's finding out who she is and it's really lovely to watch .
You know the idea of let's be in that Because in the UK , in Australia , when we went to uni , you live in the city where the university is , whereas in the uk everyone goes away to university so they learn how to cook and you know , communicate and all those sort of things away from home so it's kind of like , uh , the experience itself to go away from home
life and start a new life on campus and and figure out who you are as a person .
Ok , I think I always wanted to do that . When I was home , I wanted to go away , but my mom was like no , you're staying here . And then I went to the . I went to York , here in Toronto , and I mean it was a good experience . I met some good friends there . But I think there's a part of me , I think they escape to .
You know , like in the movies they make it seem so surreal , right , and yeah , absolutely , and I think that's what they totally it's type of social media movies . Now for sure .
Oh , my goodness , Is it ever ? Did you , was it that whole experience ? You brought her to school , like on campus , and then you helped her get settled in , and was it emotional for you too , like it's like you're not a complete empty nester because your son is obviously not ready for university ? Yeah , but how did that feel ?
it was yeah , I mean it's it was empty . It was like an empty nest when she'd gone and she was very emotional about it too .
But it's , like you know , once they settle in and make a couple of friends , like she's really enjoying it , she's really enjoying the whole experience , very social and fitting and nicely , and it is very much like okay , so look at it , now I don't have to be where I am because I was here for her education . So where will I be ?
But I mean in the UK somewhere , because Australia is a long way away . You know , if I went back to Australia it's like a 20 hour flight to get back , so it's you'd never see your children , you know , maybe once every five years or something .
So that's not on the cards at the moment , but it opens up other options and it's definitely different , even though it was only one child .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . What was it like growing up in Australia ? I mean , I don't , you are the first that I've met from Australia and I mean what was ? What was that like ? Tell me .
Yeah , I grew up in the country , so so in Western Australia , perth is the most isolated city in the world and I grew up five and a half hours south of Perth , so right on the bottom . If you , if you kept going south , you would hit the Antarctica .
So , as far as you can go south in Western Australia and like space and simple , simple space , sea , sun and Mm , hmm . Yeah , and the three things that I miss , that I miss most is just everything big , whereas everything here is small .
Right , right , right . So it's kind of like . It's like more of a small town where you knew your neighbors and that kind of community . Is that what you mean ?
Yes , it was very much like that actually . Yeah , I mean now the population in the town is 16,000 people , in the shire as well , so in the farming community . Oh my gosh in the shire .
When I hear that , I think of Lord of the Rings . There is no traffic lights in the town .
There's lots of roundabouts , but there's still no traffic lights . And this is 70 years later 16 years later , oh my gosh .
So is it true , like in Lord of the Rings , when they say in the Shire , do you think that they've pictured it the same way ? Or it's kind of like they've made it more Hollywood . You know what I mean . I don't know if you've seen Lord of the Rings .
I haven't seen Lord of the Rings , oh you haven't . I'm sorry , that's okay , that's the only reference . It's just surrounding countryside . Yeah , yeah , exactly , exactly yeah .
Yeah , so I think they've done justice to that . That's the only picturesque that I have when I think of it that way . That's why I said that . So yeah , that's so amazing . You know , you've had quite the journey . So , even , even still , I mean you , you career wise , you were working in the health sector , right ? And so what was that like ?
I mean , you're working long hours , right , yeah absolutely so .
I'm like I've traveled with that all around australia , so I've done all sorts of different bits and pieces in different areas of of nursing and then I ended up in intensive care postgraduate in that , yeah , and and it is it it's now that I'm not in any longer and then I ended up actually in a cardiac catheterization laboratory , which is basically when you have
a heart attack , you come into us and we'll put in stents to open up the blood vessels If you need a pacemaker .
Yeah , oh my gosh , my uncle's a cardiologist , so he puts in the pacemakers , yeah .
Yeah , so that was sort of where I ended up with all that , and parts of it are fantastic , Like the cardiology . There is so much research and so many moves forward in technology and what they do in the hospital setting .
But there's also a lot of things that happen in the hospital setting that chronic illness , for example , that isn't dealt so well with , and the more I got involved in so I got involved in energy medicine way back when I left the relationship 11 years ago 12 years ago anyway and I started yoga actually .
So that was my first experience of I actually was introduced to yoga and I joined this regular yoga studio and the first . They have this special start of six weeks for $25 . So I go along every and I knew I needed some assistance to get through the working day .
So I went every day and the first two weeks I was in tears at the end of every class and I figured that you know , I get this sort of relief . I didn't really know what was going on , but there was got to be something .
And then , not so long after that , I started a yoga teacher training course and then so straight away when I started , that that's when things started to change , because I was introduced to people , these beautiful people who I hadn't had in my life before . And then , three months into that , I was introduced to energy psychology .
So it was all about your emotions and the connection between your emotions and your body , and basically I got to work on myself for the next 18 months and it was complete death . No question it was transformational .
But then life happens and then my ex-husband , who's English , from Manchester , decides he's moving the children to the UK and they all have dual citizenship and I had to get a visa to get here . Wow , and I didn't get the first visa I applied for , did I ?
Like it was such a Always a challenge , isn't it ? We just can't get things the easy way . It's like yeah , yeah .
I know so clearly . You know I wasn't ready to go . So two years later I got over here . Oh my gosh it took you two years .
Wow , I know this is like we're part of the .
Commonwealth . Australia is part of the Commonwealth . We speak the same language , our qualifications are at a higher standard than the ones here , but I wasn't coming on a nursing visa , it was access right to child's visa because the children were here . Oh right , right . And I didn't get it the first time around because it was on financial grounds .
In the time that I applied they changed the goalposts . So I went through an agency and they said to me no , no , just show that you've got $10,000 in your account and that's fine . So I just showed I had $10,000 in your account , that's fine . So I just showed I had $10,000 in my account .
And in the time that I applied , in the three months it takes to get it , they changed the goalposts and I needed $20,000 . So they wouldn't take me on financial grounds . So I had to wait another six months to reapply . It's horrible .
Yeah , so the people that were giving you financial advice . This is it Exactly ? I'm like yo I want my money back . You guys gave me horrible advice , now I have to wait another hour .
They actually did , you know . They got me through , they did the whole thing .
Oh they did All the next time .
But you know , nine months later , sort of thing . And then when I got here I actually did more modalities because for me that was my way of coping with a move , only knowing your ex-husband and children come , come to her new life in the UK .
So yeah , a new life beyond your choice . You know what I mean . It was kind of like you're the hair .
You gotta follow your children . Yeah , of course you can't not .
No .
Yeah , what a journey .
Yeah , and so so wait a minute . So when you moved to the UK , what was that like ? Did you have to get your own place and start all over again ?
Right , you know , it's really interesting when you move to a new country because you have no credit ready . You don't exist , and so even like to open a bank account . Yeah , I had to open online bank accounts because I couldn't get one in the high street because I had no , I had no credit rating .
So oh my gosh yeah , I know it's like you're a no person , so it's been an interesting thing and I guess . So I walked straight into a nursing job in the private sector over here and it was .
You know I'd been doing energy medicine back at home , part-time , part-time nursing , and there's so much red tape here in the health , like so much more than equivalent in Australia . So you know , paperwork , involvement I mean I know it's the health system in Australia there's a lot more paperwork than there ever was when we started into the profession .
But here , honestly , and just the politics attached to the work environment , it was just unbelievable . And I guess the more you get involved in energy medicine as well , your life and your beliefs and your ideals change and you take on , you're living from your heart . So it's a lot like this . I've always been pretty being Australian .
You're pretty blunt anyway , but the more you get into energy work . Your authenticity is . That's the key to your life .
When you say energy work , are you talking about living a life with mindfulness in mind , or just mindful living ? Is that what you're saying ? So I guess ?
everything . So if you look at life as everything is energy yes , the way we think and what we say , and movement , all of that so you know , the only reason we're not feeling great is because we've got energy blocks in our body . And when you start looking at life in a mind , body , self sense , from energy , your whole life can't help but change .
And so that began with yoga , because yoga is a form of energy medicine . You're doing movement with the breath and you're moving energy . And then the energy psychology you're working . Emotions are just an energy . You're using emotions to tune into your body . And where are you feeling that discomfort or what emotion are you feeling ?
And you're getting the energy to move through emotions . So , and then mindfulness is all about tuning into you . What is it that you are feeling ? So being okay with whatever it is that you're feeling and just allowing that to be there . Rather than focusing on a story that doesn't feel great , focus on the feeling .
Get the feeling to move , because the more you focus on the story , the more you are just playing out at that frequency of story . So if it's not a great story and it makes you feel annoyed or aggravated or scared , then the more you tell that story , you're staying in that same loop of energy frequency .
So if you can start to feel your energy and getting it flow , then you're going to transform it and raise the frequency and feel a darn sight better . So there's a lot of things that energy is , because energy is everything .
But yeah , there's a whole systematic approach you can take to it when you're starting to have that transformation and change the way you think , because , again , it's habits . How do we change those habits and rewire the neural pathways in the brain ?
Diva Tonight with Carlene will be back . Send us a message on Instagram at diva underscore tonight .