Denis: [00:00:00] On this week's episode,
Eldar: you feel like you're not adequate enough to be who you are, so you're constantly finding these new little ideas and identities in order to justify your current existence. If you go sign up for the National Guard, you get accepted, and you do the six years that you, you talking about mm-hmm that are mandatory I'll give you $10,000 if you don't you give me a thousand.
Tommy: Wow. That's a pretty wicked offer. I'm gonna say yes. Like super soldier. Yeah. You know, you walk tall and everything, you know you're all disciplined.
Eldar: Straight. Yeah, you're straight.
Tommy: Yeah, exactly. Fit. Now you have this instinct, or
Eldar: Tom, tomorrow you will wake up and you're gonna wanna be somebody else.
And guess what? I'm gonna invite you again. You're gonna tell me that story again.
Tommy: It just doesn't feel right to me to take money from my friends.
Eldar: I remember who you were, Tom, I remember very clearly and where you came from, and not a lot of people come out of that. You still are on your journey. You're still there.
It's still sometimes dark for you, but you're a lot better, and that alone is inspiring. It will be inspiring for a lot of people.[00:01:00]
Go ahead, Tom. Who are you trying to lead and where?
Tommy: I'm trying to lead a younger generation. Okay. Trying to lead, as I said, sort of starting from, within. You know, I guess I'm trying to lead my, my body and mind, and I think that as a result of caring for myself . In a way where I sort of maybe align my self with my values or something.
Mm-hmm. I'll actually be doing that other part, which is leading a younger generation. I
think
Eldar: And what's the goal now? You're saying introduce the goal?
Tommy: The goal is to finish school. To publish a piece
Eldar: no, the that one that
Tommy: hopefully publish a memoir.
Eldar: Oh, the one that you just mentioned. The [00:02:00] goal. Oh. What you wanna do Right now
Tommy: we're talking about going to the National Guard.
Eldar: We're not talking, I'm not talking about nothing. You just said that you want to enlist. Into the National Guard.
Tommy: I'm just saying that's for the people listening in. Yeah, we've been talking about me going to the National Guard.
Eldar: Okay.
And the reason is because you wanna lead the youth. You wanna be a leader.
Tommy: Not necessarily. The reason is, is because yes, I wanna be a leader and it'll offer me the opportunity to be a civilian and learn these leadership.
Eldar: what do you mean civilian, Who are you now?
Tommy: So it's not actually, the thing is it's not a full-time gig.
It's, it's sort of training and then returning to your home, as we talked about with that other person that we know. Mm-hmm. Who did something different, did direct commission, and then maintained the life. Like that's kind of what it's about. And the thing I see it as is a six year commitment. All that's all I see.
All I see is that, for instance, you go to I don't know, If you go to college and [00:03:00] you spend four years there, you finish. Mm-hmm. I know I'm in college. It's difficult. It's gonna take another year or so, and it gets on my nerves a little bit because I'm limited in what I can, the scope of what I can actually do because I'm committed to this stuff.
Mm-hmm. I'm committed to it. I don't have a lot of choices. I don't have many choices in terms of what I can freely do. Now, if I was, for instance, a PhD student, I'd have a lot more freedom because mm-hmm. Maybe I could love what I do and choose what I wish to examine and, explore it more.
But right now, the, schedule's laid out for me. Mm-hmm. Am I signing up by going to the National Guard for more duty, for more inability to choose? The, the two things are kind of different. One pays, the other I pay for, so I pay for school, but I'm also taking on a [00:04:00] job. Mm-hmm. I think there, there's like, there's a possibility that I can move to the next step of my life, which is to be independent.
The goal is be independent. Okay.
Eldar: Your goal to be independent.
Tommy: Yes. That, that's what it is. And I see my goals as in a few stages over the next, let's say few years. One year graduate, that's one year. Five years, be independent, be debt free, and have a stable job. I know what I can do with independence , and I, because I'm a self-starter, I think, I know that I, with freedom and with like cash reserves or something like that, nothing's gonna keep me from doing what I love doing, but, There's really nothing at this point in my life that'll pay me enough. For me to be detached entirely from the world in a way for, for me to have no, whatever, attachments [00:05:00] in this world, because currently in debt and not too much debt, but with limited funds, . I'm just, you know, , , I'm essentially burning cash. Until six months from now or something like that. Mm-hmm. And six months from now I'm gonna be at a crossroads.
Mm-hmm. I either come home, which I don't wanna do. Right. I continue to pay for this rent. Mm-hmm. Which is expensive. And in a, in, in a way, I don't wanna do either. Try to balance going to school. I know what I really care about, which is like learning. And through learning. I feel like I, as a person, I lead people. Why is, do I wanna go to the guard? Well, there's, there's like, it's like adding another layer of security to my life. Mm-hmm. More leadership ability, more intelligence, more skill.
Yeah.
Eldar: It sounds like you're excited. [00:06:00]
Tommy: Yeah, it is. And, but I know myself when I get excited, things flip.
Eldar: What does that mean?
Tommy: It means that sometimes excitement leads to a lot of fear.
Eldar: Okay.
Tommy: A lot of anxiety about that excitement and realizing that in, in a way, I'm really alone in this world. . I feel like , that high is really high, you know, because the potential is there. It almost makes you wanna like just rest and say, you know, I don't really need to do anything but ride this out. Go back to autopilot, you know, just my life. Being the way it's mm-hmm. Until, until that comes, you know?
Mm-hmm. It sounds much more, I guess it could, it could sound like a little bit like peaceful, but it's not, that excitement is kind of dangerous, I guess, because, I think the expectation is that this leadership path is gonna be [00:07:00] kind of simple because I actually make the choice. Not just the choice.
So that's what I'm trying to you know, sort of come to terms with that difference or the, the I'm trying to come to terms with how expectations of something are much different than the effort and hard work and maybe discipline put into accomplishing something. This is what is so interesting to me about this problem.
I have goals in terms of being a creative. Such as being a writer or, working in the visual arts and truth or I guess like seeking truth in terms of being a creative or an artist mm-hmm. Would lead me towards a line of questioning. It would naturally to me, I think concern. Saying what I'm doing about it right now.
So you want to do this or you wanna do that? Well [00:08:00] then why are you going to the National Guard? Or why are you why are you studying
French?
Eldar: Would you say that you became, whatcha doing? Would you say what you became really good at? Coming up with these types of like grandiose ideas for yourself?
And then just, you know, do imagery imagining. Yourself being that role, but really not doing anything about it.
Tommy: Yeah. Like super soldier and Yeah. All that
stuff.
Eldar: Yeah. You, you're picturing that, right? You became really good at picturing this kind of stuff for yourself.
Tommy: Yeah. You know, you walk, walk tall and everything and
Eldar: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Tommy: You know, you're all this more
Eldar: straight up. Yeah. You straight. Yeah,
Tommy: exactly. Fit.
Fit, yeah. Strong, you know? Now you have this instinct or, okay.
Eldar: So now the actual, that's on the actual, the actual term is six years. You were able to do this much faster because you're able to just visualize it all.
Tommy: Yeah, that makes sense. Mm-hmm. Specifically thinking about is that you are, you're actually allowed to finish your education first in a way. I'm not sure exactly how the timeline goes, but over the next year I see myself just seeing through [00:09:00] school.
Like you, and there's
one year off of the six contracts. So that's, That's part of it. Yeah, that's part of it. And then another five years after you graduate, okay.
Eldar: How long will it take you to imagine this?
Tommy: They'll also cover Masters, for instance, or they'll cover and they'll, and so you can continue going to school.
Okay, so,
Eldar: so your life doesn't, get really interrupted?
Tommy: Not necessarily. No. And, and then you of course, on the back end, you, not on the back end, but really on the front end because it's, mm-hmm. If, if it's true what my dad says, this becomes a central part of your life, a central responsibility. You get deployed, you have to go.
And that's just what it is. So it's a central part of your life. You don't have a choice in it. And my response was, I don't really have a choice in what the fuck happens in my life.
Eldar: What do you mean?
Tommy: Like, like tomorrow. You know what I mean? Like, anything could happen. Like t says anything could happen.
Eldar: No, T doesn't say that.
Tommy: Well, he said like, oh, well, you never know examples. You can have these crazy people in your life who might just
Eldar: come and snatch you and kidnap you.
Tommy: Exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking.
Eldar: What the fuck are you talking about, bro?
Tommy: What [00:10:00] I'm saying is
Eldar: you're not saying anything, Tom.
You're just rambling, right?
Tommy: Am I Yeah,
Eldar: no, you're saying something like so ridiculous. You're saying that. I'm gonna go to this National Guard. Mm-hmm. Right. And give my life away and allow them to give me a call at any given point to take me, you know, to a combat zone or whatever. Then you were saying that the, you know, just like anything else, I could just hit get, walk outside and you get hit by a bus.
Well, you making two comparisons, like,
Tommy: oh, I see.
Well, the reason is, is that rarely do you actually have any like national, like things that you get deployed for, which is what the National Guard's meant for, I think. Mm-hmm.
Eldar: So you, you're bringing that example because it's a variable probability Yes. This is gonna actually happen to,
Tommy: right, right.
Eldar: But the way you were saying, it's like, hey, like anything can happen. You know what I mean?
Tommy: Right. I'm saying in, in a way, like, I don't really have a choice in, you know in, in really what happens in the world. You know what I mean? Like, not everything is guaranteed. Not everything is sort of just, and not everything is,
Eldar: But there's certain things that you can kind of foresee, right.
Tommy: Which in a way, I would argue, okay, so going to the guard sort of makes me more secure, makes me [00:11:00] more you know gives me more ability in terms of like defending myself or defending my freedom or, you know, so on and so forth.
, I really want to explore it as a, an intellectual path in my life.
Eldar: Tom where did you get this idea from? Are you scared or something?
Tommy: No, it's the challenge dude. It's the challenge because I know that going as
a So
Eldar: when's the last time you challenged yourself and actually completed it
Tommy: when?
Eldar: Yeah,
Tommy: I mean, we can count on my associate's degree, I guess
that alright. What else? I guess at the start of the pandemic when I started writing mm-hmm. I, I just explored how I could do it, and then I started doing it, and then I, I basically have been writing ever since. Mm-hmm. This is actually central to my life. What do I do with this? And when I think about the opportunities and things that I need to pursue in my life in order to be happy and where I want to be, or create meaning in my life, I need to start with that and see where, where I could possibly go.
You know.
Eldar: Okay.
Tommy: Which [00:12:00] is like, I can go and work for McDonald's. Sure. But you know, I can't predict, I don't know what's gonna happen. I really don't know. I, I honestly know that independence is so critical to me in my life right now. Hmm.
Why?
Eldar: So this is one way of getting independence
Tommy: it's, it's one way of guaranteeing or ensuring my independence because you know, I don't really have the clear skills that will attract many employers.
I don't, I don't, but I do know that if I sign up, the intellectual things I can tap into over there because it won't cost me.
Okay.
Eldar: What if you don't get in? What happens then? What if they don't accept you based on your, I don't know, history? Physical abilities.
Tommy: That's okay. So what we're saying is that you meet criteria or you don't meet criteria for something.
Eldar: Yeah. If don't meet the criteria, how are you gonna ensure your independence?
Tommy: Well, if I were to think about this problem in a way that was beneficial to me, I would say, oh, how can I meet the criteria for being a creative, because that's what I want to do, essentially. You know? Okay, so it sounds ridiculous, but what, [00:13:00] how can I meet the criteria, for instance, for.
Being author or being a, a writer?
Eldar: Is there a use for artists in the National Guard? Have you looked into that?
Tommy: No, but I'm doing this kind of like, well,
Eldar: why not? Maybe there's like graphic designers or something.
Tommy: Well, yeah, there's, it's possible Yeah, photographers for instance. Yeah. I'm saying, I'm saying no to that because
Eldar: You don't want to just practice in a National Guard.
Tommy: Right? Yes.
Yeah.
Eldar: Why not?
Tommy: Why? Because I see more useful and more lucrative career opportunities through the National Guard.
Eldar: Oh, okay.
Tommy: Which, which involve like, you know, comprehensive training or, and what specific stuff? Intel, cyberspace whatever. I don't know. Just could be like, you know, just more managerial stuff.
Okay, because you, you're with soldiers and you, you are, you get a leadership position or something like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, alright,
Eldar: well
Good, you have d irection
Tommy: It could result in, in, you know, in, in [00:14:00] posts that you know what if it only takes a year after my service contract to get financially secure and then start doing what I really love doing.
But what if I can actually do it within the next two years because I graduate and because I have all that free time on my hands as a civilian. I mean, that training could result in a good paying job, which essentially can just mean, like you said, going to work, getting a job, a j o b.
Eldar: Yeah.
Tommy: Just work and make money. Mm-hmm. And then kind of live your life with gratitude, I guess, or be grateful for what you have. Mm-hmm. I am immensely grateful for what I today. I've got great friends. I've got, I've got a little money to hold me down. I've got a college education that I'm continuing to pursue.
I've got myself, my mind, which is better today than it was back then. And sort of I've got courage and I'm not as afraid anymore to say this is what I [00:15:00] want to do. And something about this tells me. Where the fuck have I been? Why have I not actually seen that? What's good for me is right in front of me in a way.
But I, I don't see this through the lens of doing, when
national Guard? I see it through the lens of like, wanting to make things and create and, what that inspiration that brings into my life. But where's the discipline? Like where's my where's me sort of connecting with the important things in life?
Where, where is that part of my life? That, that part where I actually say this, I'm worthy and I belong here.
Eldar: Mm mm You need a place to belong
Tommy: in terms of doing, yeah. In terms of doing what you really care about and what you're good at,
what, what your purpose is.
Yes.
Eldar: Okay. Well that's profound, Tom.
Tommy: And I'll, I'll tell you, I was reminded this watching Titanic last night.
Mm-hmm. You know how he sketches the girl and everything. [00:16:00] Multiple times in my life I've been in this situation. Music, art what else? Writing, music, art, writing. These three things in my life, I've felt like I have talent and potential. I feel like I've just entirely neglected and ignored because I've felt them to be fruitless, worthless things. Mm. Though I can do them and I think I can do them really well. All these three things
Eldar: through the National Guard ?
Tommy: No, I, I, as a person. But I don't have the courage. I lack like the belief.
And that's why I end up with like a blank canvas. That's what, that's why where I'm at,
Eldar: which is a talent out of itself,
Tommy: which is a shitty talent,
Eldar: not tapped into what you have. The fuck.
Well, listen, Tom the clock ticking, right? Check this out.
MarkerEldar: (Bet) How about you make it better on yourself? If you go, sign up for this [00:17:00] place.
The National Guard, you get accepted and you do the six years that you, you're talking about. Mm-hmm. That are mandatory. I'll give you 10,000 dollars. If you don't, you gimme a thousand.
Tommy: Wow.
That's a pretty wicked offer. I'm gonna say Yes.
Are you taking this offer?
I am.
Eldar: You are taking this offer. Okay,
Tommy: so this, yeah.
Eldar: If you complete, and it's on air, right? If you complete this National Guard thing, which is six years like you said, I'll give you 10,000 dollars. If you don't, right? If you fail out at any, at any point, if you decide not to, you give me a thousand dollars.
Is that a deal?
Tommy: It's a deal.
Eldar: It's a deal.
And the person who doesn't, who doesn't, what's his name? Yeah. Keep their word gets banned. It's only Right. Right. It's, it's a bet. It's a man's bet.
Tommy: Right.
Eldar: All sounds good. [00:18:00]
Tommy: So this means I officially have to try.
Eldar: Well, if you want to, if you don't wanna lose a thousand dollars.
Tommy: Oh. Oh. So if I don't sign up at all.
Eldar: If you don't sign up and if you don't complete. Right. Right. If you signed up, yeah. You got accepted. You started, you did one year. Yeah, but you quit year one. You gimme a thousand bucks. Yeah. If you don't sign up at all.
Right? Yeah. You gimme a thousand bucks if you complete the whole program. However, six years, like you said, after get getting accepted, I will give you 10,000 dollars. Make a bet for yourself on yourself. Do you accept?
Tommy: Well,
holy shit,
Eldar: or are you just talking shit?
Tommy: Or am I
Eldar: or are you just talking shit?
Tom, pack your shit. Get the fuck outta here. Not serious about nothing, Tom.
Tommy: It's serious decision in my life. Yeah.
Eldar: Very good Tom
Tommy: very serious decision,
Eldar: and all you're doing is just rambling.
Tommy: [00:19:00] Yes. Good. Yeah,
Eldar: don't worry, Tom.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
Tommy: Is this good for entertainment or bad?
Eldar: Yeah. It's very good, Tom. Tomorrow you will wake up and you're gonna be one. You wanna be somebody else, and guess what? Mm-hmm. I'm gonna invite you again and you're gonna tell me that story again and you're gonna do absolutely nothing about it. And the next day, and the next day and the next day's perfectly fine because you're
Marker blank canvasEldar: blank canvas. Canvas, Tom. Mm-hmm. Worth more than anything else.
Tommy: I gotcha.
Eldar: You just have not tapped into it yet. As soon as you stain it with these types of ideas is when you become worthless.
Tommy: Yeah. I mean, that's your opinion and , you're entitled to it.
Eldar: Yeah. Are you taking the bet, tom?
Tommy: That's pretty wild. I feel like I'm actually, hahahaha
you
Eldar: don't wanna lose a thousand dollars. It's only a thousand dollars, Tom.
Tommy: Yeah, I know.
Eldar: Let's just say this also, as soon as you get into the program mm-hmm. As soon as you get into the program. Mm-hmm. I keep my word, but if you don't believe my word, I could put the money in an escrow.
Tommy: Right.
Eldar: You'll put the money in an escrow and it'll sit there up until you [00:20:00] quit, you'll put your money into escrow, a thousand dollars and I'll put 10,000 dollars in there.
Tommy: I gotcha. I see. Yo.
Marker - sound biteTommy: My mom is gonna be really mad at me for making these kinds of bets, hahahahahahahaha
oh man.
Eldar: She doesn't have to know Huh? She doesn't have to know if she doesn't listen.
Tommy: What do you think? E?
I'm making a mess'.
Eldar: Making a mess, Tom.
Tommy: Yeah, I'm running amuck.
Eldar: You are running amuck.
Tommy: You know, I. I don't think it's one of those moments where I should get all soppy like sad and teary-eyed
Eldar: about what, what, what'd you get teary-eyed about?
Tommy: It's such a, such an amazing, well,
Eldar: you just, you just, you just, you just became the National Guard and then you just dropped it at the same time, within the first, within the last 20 minutes.
Tommy: No, no, I don't intend to do that.. I'm afraid that like in my life, I'm not gonna be enough. Not for [00:21:00] my creative side and not for my efforts to move towards my creative side. And I'm afraid that this is also kind of a backwards reasoning. Do this, believe that you're gonna go in that direction,
Eldar: which direction?
Tommy: Doing what I really wanna do with my life. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I have to take into consideration the big picture. I've made huge improvements. So why stop now? Why stop towards actually finding one step forward in that dream? And that's what makes this decision so difficult. Am I doing myself, my goals and injustice?
And I, I kind of do feel that in principle. I don't really need to even consider this question because I'm just doing what's right.
Eldar: What is that Tom?
Tommy: Going to be of service. I'm going to be a better [00:22:00] leader. Going to be more focused.
Eldar: Do you believe this nonsense you spewing?
Tommy: I know, I know here this, this is a sensitive topic because.
What do I think about, you know, America, just in general, what do I think about being part of a military force?
Eldar: Listen, there's definitely people out there who are patriotic. They have that in them, right? Right. And I think that they're probably cut out for this and they should be right? Yes. The goal here is to find out whether or not you are cut out for this.
You're an artist, Tom. You free flowing spirit. Of an artist who doesn't never had, regardless, schedule,
Tommy: regardless of the patriotic. Right? Like it might cut out for this, regardless of what patriotic inclinations I, or, or tendencies I might have.
Eldar: !Yeah. You've never spoken about that. Just so you never talked about this, you know, you never like, I don't know, you never had this type of interest.
So that'll come in here and say, you know what? I wanna be this hero guy who's gonna go to the National Guard, you know? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm buying it. [00:23:00] Hmm.
Tommy: Right. I it's totally new to me too. And
Marker bet offer #2Eldar: Tom, you take the bet or no?
Tommy: You know how you said, do I take the bet or
No? No.
Eldar: Alright, cool.
Tommy: Oh, I didn't,
I didn't answer. That was a, that was an
oh, okay. Cool. So gimme a second.
Eldar: I'll give you a second.
Tommy: No, because I'll tell you why no
Eldar: You're are not taking the bet,
ok go ahead.
Tommy: Because this is not a heroic thing for me because like in other situations such, this one, I've appreciated the encouragement from my friends.
And while it's great to receive like some reward for doing something, it just doesn't feel right to me to take money from my friends. If, if that $10,000 was.
Eldar: Tom it's not, it's not taking money from me. It's my, it's my gift to you. It's congratulations to you for completing something.
Tommy: Yeah.
Eldar: Finally.
Tommy: And I appreciate that. Yeah.
Eldar: That, that's what it would be. It's not, I great.
Tommy: I greatly appreciate it.
Eldar: Don't even look at it as a bet.
Tommy: And it's, yeah. It's framed as like a, as like a, you know, a challenge.
Eldar: However, [00:24:00] I do, I do, would like to, you know, challenge you. Right, right. And make, make you pay up the money. A thousand dollars if you, fail.
Tommy: Right.
Eldar: Because I want you to take it seriously.
Tommy: Yeah. To me it is like, so it's so important to be on, be good in situations like this and to do good considering I guess, I don't know, just, that action of good. I, I think I need to meet that level of good that you've kindly offered. Given that $10,000, I'd have to absolutely be able to meet that level of good, which, you know, if it's a reward for what you do. Yeah, it makes sense.
Eldar: It's a gift.
Tommy: It's a gift, right.
Eldar: Yeah. I'll be, I'll be happy to give it to you. It wouldn't be like when you come six years and now you're that person that you do, describe to me the straight edge shooter, right?
That has self-discipline. That is strong, physically and mentally strong. Right? Yeah. I'll probably give you [00:25:00] more money than that on top of it. Because like you said, you have accomplished then. What you set out to accomplish. You finally finished it from A to Z and I will be proud and I'll be very happy to award you with that lump sum.
Would not feel mad, upset. Yeah. You know, like I lost or anything? No, I've gained then. Right? I've gained a, a better friend, a better individual. Right, because you're saying that this is, this is your path to actual actualizing yourself. Why wouldn't I wanna spend on that or invest in that?
Tommy: Do you, do you think that's what it sounds like too?
That, that it sounds like a path that
Eldar: to you, for you, Tom,
Tommy: for me, it sounds like it.
Eldar: No, absolutely not. This is not who you're gonna be. It's not who you're gonna become, and that's not what you actually want.
I don't think you understand the scope of service.
Tommy: If I'm being serious right now. Yeah. That. Do you think What I actually want is actually just continue living in a loop and not doing or creating anything?
Eldar: So ,now that's a very good question, Tom. I think you're very good. I told you at [00:26:00] creating images. And living them out mentally. Mm-hmm. And feeling that accomplished from the things that you haven't actually done. And a lot of people are good at this, but you're very good at this.
Tommy: And so I think that the first step.
Acknowledging that is actually the reward of seeing things true.
Eldar: Oh, yeah. If you could acknowledge this, the, this fact right about yourself, that you're constantly picking stuff up and, and dropping it and not actually doing it. Right. Not pursuing and not finishing it. Yeah. If you could understand that, you start seeing your own condition for what it is, the faster you see the condition for what it is, the faster you know what you up against.
If you know what you're up against, then you can plan accordingly. Right.
Tommy: Yeah.
Eldar: But, but first you have to start by asking, why am I doing this?
Tommy: I think I actually did start by asking, why am I doing this? Before I came to this decision, what could I be doing? That's kind of what I started asking myself.
Eldar: Yeah.
Tommy: Concerning actually being a straight shooter. That straight shooter, and knowing that I'm planning for the future led me to, [00:27:00] you know, sort of consider every day. What I need to be doing to survive for the next year.
Eldar: I think what it's more probably lodged in is you understand, right? You bought into the society that tells you you should be productive member of society, which you say civilian, right?
You now you regarding that as the word for National Guard, putting it higher. Oh, this is an important role. So because of the fact that right now you don't, maybe you're a student and you don't have a stable job, you feel like you're not adequate enough to be who you are, right? So you're constantly finding these new little ideas and identities, in order to justify your current existence.
So the story of you becoming a national guard, it's a high, high regard, right? Hey, this guy's gonna be, he's gonna be accomplished. He's gonna [00:28:00] set out to do something, he's gonna do it. It's a very hard task at hand. So you're gonna go around and telling people that this is what you're gonna do. So what's that gonna do is gonna actually buy you time in the meantime, because everybody's gonna be under a spell.
That Tom is gonna become a national
guard. It's probably works for most people, not us, obviously. Yeah. Right.
Tommy: That's not true. Right. It's not a truth. It's actually a, a sort of deception in a way, right?
Eldar: Correct. Correct.
Tommy: Why? Because for for the moment, it'll,
Eldar: it'll pacify everybody.
Tommy: My ego. Correct.
Eldar: It'll boost your ego.
It'll give you that safety net where it's like, Hey, I'm doing something important. This is very important guys. You know what I mean? And you calm yourself down. Mm-hmm. Because you feel like you're not enough. You know what I mean? Yeah. And therefore, You're gonna be okay. You're gonna alleviate that pain a little bit.
But then as soon as you meet the reality with your little imagination, when the two come together and when you're sitting in that office and you're staring at that paperwork, you're gonna start shitting bricks. You're gonna what? If you're gonna walk out, you're gonna say, oh, I have to think about it a little bit.
When you're gonna take the papers you're gonna throw them in the [00:29:00] garbage, then what you're gonna do is you're gonna not show face for the next three to eight months. Because you're gonna be ashamed, probably embarrassed that yet again, this is, you're gonna wait for people's memories to start to dissipate.
And they do, right? They start forgetting stuff. Yeah. Some people, not this crowd, but some people do forget. So then when they finally forgot enough time has passed, people has changed, their lives have changed. They don't really remember, they don't really care about what it is that you said eight months ago, you could come out and show your face again with some new idea.
And that's gonna go on and on and on and on.
Tommy: The thing is, I it's like I was saying, it's sort of counterproductive 'cause I don't know necessarily if this is for happiness, but when I think about what happiness could look like in my life, I feel like this thing that may, I may not necessarily be happy with mm-hmm.
Will result in. Some of the happiness. Some of that Right. Where [00:30:00] I imagined my life could be, you know this is a complicated thing and you know, I, I hear what you're saying.
Eldar: Yeah, yeah, yeah. This, that's why this time it's different. Tom, have you told yourself
a different story?
Tommy: I have a hard time telling myself any other story can exist. Cause I don't know, I don't know what the options are really.
Eldar: Have you bought in, in the fact that you're a bullshitter to yourself or No?
Tommy: Of course
Eldar: you have?
Tommy: Because,
Eldar: so put your money where your mouth is, Tom. Let's make it 2000 and 20,000. Make it when you get out I'll give you 20,000 dollars. You pay me two.
Tommy: Hahaha.
Eldar: Inflict the most amount of pain, Tom, for yourself. So then it, so then you can actually say, you know what, before I make any other decisions going forward, that $2,000 that you're gonna give me has to hurt. It has to hurt Tom. Until it starts hurting, you're most likely not gonna learn.
Tommy: Right, right, right, right.
Wow. [00:31:00] How much of my life really has been meaningless lately? I don't know. That's kind of crazy. Crazy question.
Eldar: Go to the office to fill out the paperwork .
Tommy: Hmm. guess based on what I've said,
There's, there's,
put your money where your mouth is
meaningful life.
Eldar: That's it.
If this is the great, the greater good for you right in your life, this is gonna actually actualize you. Why wouldn't you follow it, Tom? Why? Why wouldn't you take this such a lucrative bet? $2,000. That's not a lot of money. Get 20 in six years.
Tommy: Thanks, e.
Eldar: But I will ban you, Tom, if you don't pay up. Yeah, I'll ban you.
Tommy: I'm aware.
Eldar: You know why?
Tommy: Why?
Eldar: Because you can lie to yourself. You can't lie to me.
Tommy: I understand.
Eldar: And if you lie to me, that's, that goes against the National Guard Park, the one that you're talking about. Right. To be honorable.
Tommy: Yeah.
To be a man of your word.
Right. Right.
Eldar: If you're not that, trust me, I don't want to associate [00:32:00] myself with person.
Tommy: I understand.
Eldar: Do something, talk your shit. Take the bet.
Tommy: I have to ask this. Do you think that like you said, do you really, do you actually believe that the mindsets in one area, in one in the other area, Like one bans the other. Do you think that like being a creative bands, being in the military, being in the military bands being creative?
Eldar: No, I don't. Don't think so. No. I do not think so. I think two can live together. I do agree with that. They can live together. Right. I, I just don't think that that's what you're gonna be wrestling with when it comes to this decision making.. You know what I mean? It's not
Tommy: agree with that.
Eldar: It's not just just the artist because you're not even an artist Tom
you know what I'm saying? You haven't bought it into what we, we coined you as Right. Art without, without a painting. You don't believe in that. 'cause that's what I believe in, in you. Right. You haven't shown us any art. You don't sell art. You don't do art. Like I don't [00:33:00] see it in any of it, you know? Mm-hmm.
You're constantly saying that you're gonna do something. You buy a camera, you, you sell it, buy a camera, you sell it. You know? So I'm, I'm not sure. What you are, I think is, you know, there's a lot of fear in you, right? There's a lot of
Tommy: repressed stuff.
Eldar: Repressed stuff. Exactly. There's a lot of things that's inside of you that are actually working against making these types of decisions and, and keeping your word and sticking to it because you are skeptic, you know, and you're fearful one.
So for you to commit to anything that's six years long and actually achieve it and finish it, especially a thing like a National Guard, which is highly regarded, right. It's just not in your cards. It's in my eyes. Now, I'm willing to put a, sizeable amount of money here to prove that I know I could be wrong.
You could prove me wrong. There's plenty of people out there that would like to prove other people wrong. Prove me wrong. I think you came here again, some kind of a weird idea, right? Based on some of the fears that you have? . And you [00:34:00] want to reinvent yourself.
Tommy: Yeah, I kind of do.
I, I do kind of like reinvent
myself or
Eldar: maybe hide from yourself.
Right?
Tommy: I, maybe I wanna avoid like the responsibilities of mm-hmm. Of, yeah. Like I wanna avoid some of those responsibilities, but also maybe I just wanna augment my ability to deal with some of the responsibilities. And challenge
Eldar: a hundred percent. But see your ability to be able to talk these things, talk about these things openly with this courage that you do have is your gift.
Already.
Tommy: It is. Yeah,
Eldar: it is.
Tommy: Wow. Thank you for that.
Well, it's a, it's a compliment. I said, I said thank you. It's a compliment.
Eldar: No, I know, Tom. I know. But you don't actually believe that. It's like, I have to promote you and explain to you that you already enough. Mm-hmm. You already have it in you, you know what I'm saying?
And the things that you've been through in your life, Tom, right. And how you've been through them, mm-hmm. Is already a good starting point of maybe start talking to the youth. And maybe becoming a [00:35:00] leader slowly through slow steps. Slow, but gradual steps towards that. Right? Because your story is a very interesting one.
You know what I'm saying?
Tommy: Yeah.
Eldar: And you overcame a lot. I remember who you were, Tom, I remember very clearly and where you came from, and not a lot of people come out of that. You still are on your journey. You're still there. It's still sometimes dark for you, but you're a lot better.
That alone is inspiring and will be inspiring for a lot of people.
Tommy: I understood. Yeah.
Eldar: However, you are still afraid and you still shy away from that identity. There's nothing wrong with being open 'cause you talk really well about it. When you do open up, you are able to see your own condition.
Right. Call for what it is. And also sometimes you even make jokes about it so you have a sense of humor. Those put together, bro, people waiting for that kind of stuff. That's gold to me. That's gold.
Tommy: Yeah. [00:36:00]
Eldar: You know what I'm saying?
Tommy: Yeah. Well this is a deep, deep one guys. This one's kind of deep. We're getting a little deep.
Yeah. I shy away from even considering this issue without, without talking about why why I want to do it. Actually, you know. I feel so much regret, dude, over some of the things that I've done and the way I was, and I think what's important right now, what really is important is being an educated guy mm-hmm.
Who understands those mistakes. Mm-hmm. Finishes that sort of thing in his life.
Eldar: When are you gonna stop punishing? I otherwise wasn't gonna stop punishing yourself
Tom.
Tommy: Well, I, when am I gonna stop punishing myself? It's actually, it's gonna be when
Eldar: you keep saying you have to keep educating yourself.
Tommy: I've achieved my, my, I've achieved something in terms of work. Yeah. It's [00:37:00] actually when I'm, when, when I will have achieved like some point, some milestone in my career. Like that. That's a, that's a really good general statement. Some milestone in my career. A
really good general statement.
Eldar: So what is your milestone, Tom?
There's one milestone that I'm thinking about right now that is not complete. What is it, Tom?
Tommy: It's writing a book.
Eldar: Correct. Finish your book. Let's finish your book. Let's publish the book and let's market your book and I'll help you with that. You understand?
Tommy: Yeah.
Eldar: I'll give you $10,000. If you do, I'll give you $10,000 for marketing.
Tommy: Yeah. Yeah.
Eldar: Finish the book
Tommy: and Well, the rest of my life though, you know, like everything that I've gotta deal with. Right. School,
Eldar: but you, you see what you just identified Tom? Yeah. A certain thing, right? You said, Hey,
Tommy: yeah,
Eldar: I'm gonna stop punishing myself as soon as I accomplish something. Right. For yourself.
And the one big thing that you haven't finished yet is your book. You've been writing it for years. Finish it. [00:38:00] Free yourself, Tom.
Tommy: This is also a point where I feel, you know, the choices that I'm make in my life, graduating school, possibly going to the National Guard, they sort of change the sequence of that, that story.
You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Actually sort of alter what it really means to be a whole person for me, or what my life really means to me.
Eldar: I lost you?
Tommy: Did you lose me?
Eldar: Yeah.
Tommy: Well, part of my life, and I'll just be honest, just so open about this, whatever I need to say, you know, to like get this point across, I really feel like why would why would someone consider it gold if it's not a, an actual achievement?
Eldar: Tom? It is
an achievement. Tom,
Tommy: from before
Eldar: you've rescued yourself, Tom.
Tommy: Yeah.
Eldar: You saved yourself.
Tommy: From despair and suffering, right?
Eldar: From suffering, from committing suicide. Tom, [00:39:00] you saved yourself and now you have the opportunity to do something good and you're on that journey. You became a better son, a better brother, a better friend, and a better civilian or a member of society,
You used to do worse things. Now you're better. There's a lot of people, Tom that are still there. The same journey that you used to be on, on self-destruction, you changed the course of that, and for those people, your story is gold. That's why your book is important.
Go finish the fucking book.
Tommy: Alright
okay. Yeah,
yeah.
Eldar: Finish the book Tom.. All right. Do you have any questions? Oh, we're good here?
Tommy: I mean, I think
no other questions.
Eldar: Alright, good.
Tommy: No other questions? Yeah.
Eldar: Good.
Tommy: Alright. Happy Friday y'all.