You've Got Decisions: To Leave, Or Not To Leave?

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All right, Well, this week I thought it was only right to read this question from our listener because sounds very close to a chapter in Weezy's book, when do you know you stay too long? Well, this one says, my question is to leave or not to leave?

Hi.

I'm a new listener and have enjoyed listening to your pod. It helps break up my boring ass days at work, so thank you. I'm writing today for some insight.

On what to do with my relationship. Here we go.

I'm a thirty seven year old female and my partner is fifty four male. We've been together for two and a half years. He's recently battled stage two prostate cancer. He opted to have the surgery instead of chemo, which I wasn't a fan of. The recovery time for the surgery is extremely slow. Prior to his diagnosis, we had the best sex life. It was sexy, spontaneous, and freaki as fuck. Since the surgery, we haven't had any vaginal sex. He hasn't had an erection since before the surgery. In

How old is Jesus thirty seven?

Surgery was seven months ago and he is in remission, which I'm so happy about. He finished physical therapy a couple of months ago that hasn't continued to do any exercises at home like he should. You know how black men are. They feel they are better than they are. But he doesn't understand he's healing from the inside out. For the first few months, he would pleasure me with his hands, mouth, and toys. It's been about two months

Would be appreciated.

I don't believe the cancer pation. At least he's a real cancer vation because Mandies.

Was a lot right fat. At least he had real cancer so interestingly, so common. By the way, taking cancer, yeah, I heard it's a thing.

Why because you get attention and you get sympathy and empathy and people.

Care about you. When you want attention, you.

Should only fake her pregnancy is seeing your money? No faking pregnancy. He's saying, people fake cancer. Yeah, I'm taking pregnancy. Get your five hundred out.

I get it.

But you are down and out if you gotta fake what you was when you did that, because you did it, I needed you.

I'm not telling that. I ain't telling the girl to fake. I'm ready to see five dollars.

I'm telling them a people test around and you already know I'm telling them. If you don't open your legs at all, you better be able to get five hundred dollars round.

No, I will say this.

I was just watching this movie called The Room next Door and it's with Julianne Moore, who I think is so sexy.

I don't know why.

And then some other white lady tilled you something, but it was about a woman with cancer, and she was like, shoot the first scene I had to stop watching the movie on the plane.

You know, planes make you cry. I don't know they do.

Oh I love crying on the plane. So it starts, She's like how are you? But not like how people say how are you? Like really how are you?

She's like, some days of you four it because I'm.

Alive, and then other days I'm depressed because I've survived, like I was ready to die.

But I was this.

I was that I really don't know the ebbs and flows. And maybe one day we talked to get to talk to Crystal, you know, just a little bit.

I taught her every day. I know. No, I'm saying, like just us, as you know listeners of the show, she would never come on here.

Well regardless, yeah, man, they could have another cancer survivor discussing. I mean, I think if y'all listen to last year, I had three people simultaneously be diagnosed with breast cancer, and.

I'd like to say all three are in remission. Like they all beat it. They rang the bell, but they all.

Lost their hair, double missectomies, had to go through chemo. One is now being told she has to go into radiation, which she doesn't want to do.

For they all. We just saw all of us hereditary.

I mean, I don't know the backstory, but they all got it. I know, I know my best friend like it ran in her family, and then I know. We also just saw Anna Luis pass from breast cancer. It's something that's happening to women much younger. This guy being a remission from prose cancer. Prose cancer gets most of our black men, especially fifty plus, which is why they say that y'all need to go check your colon's is. You know when you reach a certain age. We lost

Married right till death. Do us part through sickness and health. I don't know if.

Any of us have really had the conversations about sticking through non marital relationships with someone battling something like that. It's a lot mentally, if you are someone who is very sexual, you feel guilty for leaving them because of their diagnosis or what they're dealing with. And unfortunately, I know you said it jokingly if this isn't someone that you see yourself long standing staying with.

To me, I hate the guilt.

I hate that the guilt eats you up because now you're staying with him because you feel like, damn, I'm gonna be a shitty person for leaving a cancer patient. But all of the things you're dealing with, you're not being pleased physically, you're not even receiving the intimacy, and he's probably showing up grumpy or more rude, I mean, because of how he doesn't feel like himself either.

So it's like, I think, maybe giving grace to the person that's going through something way more traumatic, because maybe this isn't the best version of himself, and maybe if it happened to you, you'd.

Want grace as well. He's seven months in.

Let me ask you, how long do you extend that grace because you're a freak as whole who liked to get fucked too.

So they don't have an open relationship. How long are you waiting holding out?

I would set a time frame from when I'm acknowledging that they're doing something wrong. Okay, So I'm not gonna okay another few months without telling you something's wrong.

Okay. I would come to the table and say, hey, you're doing X y Z. Wait, yeah, how are you? How are you saying it? I want to know how it's.

Making You're making it harder for me to enjoy being in this relationship, and I want to let you know some of the flaws I'm seeing and what's really difficult for me.

Now, he responds, this is what I you know, I just hold on, but like, let's let's dialogue this out. He's like, you know, I just like went through cancer. Chemo wasn't easy. Like I don't have any control over how my body is healing.

I know that you're depressed, I know that you're going through X y Z. I'm telling you this is how you're treating me. Okay, So I'm going to stick here through you with this, but I need you to try to take care of yourself better that I can be a good partner to you because.

We can't both drown. Like, yep, how am I going to be a support system? Actually? I just had this conversation.

We were out to do with some friends in Paris, and one of them said that when they cheated on their partner, they gave their partner a warning before it happened.

I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait what wait it was specific? What is a warning to tell your partner before you cheat?

Now?

I thought this was crazy. The person said, look, I understand you work late nights. I think his wife was a waitress. Okay, he was like.

But to the point where we're not having sex at night because you get home and you're exhausted. Understandable, understandable in the day, you need more rest. When do we ever prioritize sex at all? I'm letting you know this is a need, and right now we barely have sex once a week. I need to have sex at least twice a week. That's my minimum.

If you don't give it to me, I'm gonna step out on you.

They didn't say that, but he said, we need to get back to the drawing board on what this relationship looks like if we can at least have sex together.

In this house. That was not a warning. I think it's what.

Because that didn't come with a time frame, bro, Like, if you just bring it to me, how long between you saying that? So you cheating because if you.

Come next time? So apparently that time frame, Yeah, what's the time fro.

The next thing happens? Person? This is their job.

Take a month or two later. He made a joke on the right side, we can fuck now. We got time to spend. I don't know if he said we can fuck now. She said, that's a shitty thing to say to me because I'm depressed. Now, I really don't think like it't around you. Apparently it went to ninety days he cheated now, I'm not a lot of you. To me, that's enough, And I don't think lying is right.

I think he should have broken up with her.

But yes, when he told the story, I was like, did you really say that? He was like, yeah, I did.

He's like, so she went. She went from not fucking him thirty eight years old. She went from not fucking him because of his job.

No no, no, no, no, wait, because of her job to then not fucking him because he depressed, depressed because she lost her job, So she might not have just been a sexual being. Well you know what this makes me think of not having sex because you got cancer. Now you not haveing sex as you're depressed about the cancer.

Well, no, he's not physically being able to get hard, not being.

Sexual, Y're not, Yes, they're not doing anything.

Well, well that's I guess the different thing, right if they had a healthy sex life. This reminds me of like when I was fucking twenty four seven, but also when they've been together for two and a half years. But also it reminds me of like my relationship with twenty four to seven and a lot of people I was fucking in my twenties where we had his healthy sex lives.

Zero intimacy for man.

Who can show up really well in the bedroom sexually, and maybe you don't even acknowledge the need for intimacy because you getting fucked through the mattress.

U she'says he doesn't hold my hand or kiss me anymore. But no, he doesn't do it at all.

He didn't say anymore.

So what I'm saying is maybe she didn't get the intimacy. But because now she's not getting the sex she's like, I would like at least the intimacy I'm.

Not getting either.

You ain't gonna be if but he could be a man that might not be intimate, like there's a lot of men that don't know how to show up as an intimate lover, like without putting the dick down.

Yeah, the warning, give him the warning about and then from the warning.

So the warning is you gotta get your mental health together and show me intimacy or else.

Yes, you have to say the things that you need, hey, in this relationship, And I think it's very fair to tell someone I just had to pro say cancer, this is not about sex, and this conversation I like that I need more connection. And the reason you need to make sure you say it's not about sex because that's the literal thing that he can't do right, and that would be fucked up up, that'll be fucked up.

I agree. That's worse than leaving the cancer patient. By the way, I agree.

I mean I also think that so she's thirty seven, he's fifty two. I think that there has to be and I know that we talk about dating with intention, We talk about being with partners.

I know a lot of people do.

Date with the hope of marriage or you know, the hierarchy of what's next in this relationship. I think that she should sit with over the past two and a half years, maybe even leaving out the fact that you're holding him down through the cancer thing. Is this person someone that you see yourself with because through sickness and health, Like,

It is a part of.

Your new life to where if say, something else comes back, like, is this.

Something you'd willing to deal with again?

Like, to me, you have to acknowledge someone's health condition when you were dating that.

By the way, this is making me think a loud about my parents. So my mom hasn't had sex in a few years obviously because of my dad. And she said a few years ago when it happened. I want to say he got sick in twenty twenty.

Yeah, because that was my old bab she said, maybe like six months out. My mom never had a job.

My dad always took care of everything, and she started working at a store, and this was before I was making a lot more money to where she didn't have to work. But basically she was like, listen, your dad took care of me his whole life, and this is what I'm meant to do. She's like, it was never anything that we didn't have, that we didn't want. He was loving to me, like, this is what I meant

You just get angry, get mad.

And my mom starts to say to me, this is I will do anything for him, And I don't know if she's saying out loud for herself, like, you know, this is a hard life that he's got. Right now, this is a hard life that I've got, Like I have to go visit my husband.

I still feel young, I still feel like I could do things.

Like I have to be there for him and of course the next day, maybe he has a good day.

Right.

And I think my parents were together for twenty nine years before this happens. Now they're together thirty five years, but twenty nine years of their marriage of healthiness. Right, That to me is when you can I don't want to use the word oh someone, but when you can be selfless.

And a half years and you and you thirty seven girl, you you silly ripe, oh half a century? Like I think that you you have to decide if this is something that you can mentally know that in your mind you may have to ride this roller coaster again, because you're on this roller coaster now with him through being not only a cancer survivor, but someone who now has to really like And.

I cannot make care of his own intimacy park because something my fan told me recently, like your parents kiss so much that like it's I've never seen anything like this. My dad can't roll the wheelchair. They'd be like career, Like, you know, the intimacy can still exists in this weird way. They'll smack her by like it's just no intimacy can show up in so many different ways that they haven't had sex in years and like if my mom tells

I've been able.

It was great to be able to take them on the beach, but it was a lot for him. So she told him the next day that they had sex. He's like, no, we did it, we really did. So I was like, yes, it was so good. You don't remember, but my dad was exhausted. So sometimes like you're still talking about this name. Remember we were in Mexico and Gila left the room and he's like, I think, I think I remember Jude. I think I know what they're talking about, like because he needs to know that he

And so for I have a parallet like that. It's sweet, right.

But to know that, like this part, dude is watching you stick with him through you know, through all of that.

In because you know you ain't have sex for seven months, bitch, so do he so you to not have bitch, giry you that Gummy did knowing it wasn't gonna get hard, like you didn't even try to just give him some else of pleasure. And I think that she's acknowledging as well, like, Okay, I get it, he's going through this thing. The healing phase is taking much longer. That's probably what's adding to

So yeah, you only go through something so long being because as human.

Beings like Bro, there has to be something where you put yourself first, like consider yourself, what do you want?

And if this doesn't work for you, if long term you feel.

Like damn, I don't think I could do this again, well, the reality is you might have to deal with this again, like cancer comes back even after you beat it sometimes, like it's a very big possibility. And so I just think that with knowing his health status, you're young enough, I think, and you're not tied through marriage to consider yourself. And it could sound harsh, it could sound fucking really selfish, but I think, like Bro, when you young, sometimes you

And let's let's talk about it. That nigga fifty two and they got no wife. Don't do that. Don't do that. Why you did that? Don't do that, ahole.

No, but I don't like that because look at don't do that.

Becase, No, it don't matter. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't nobody watch. That's terrible. You're literally being the person like when I.

Get fifty with no kids, no husband, ain't nothing wrong with me. This is what I chose, all right, he might have chosen it. Don't mean you asshole, you don't mean it. I don't like that because I know that we put that same stigma on women who are older, who are unwed with no children. I'm not gonna allow that narrative to go on any of my platform. Be a dick, because I'm not gonna talk with that little dick. He could be, he could be.

But the narrative that you're old without a wife or a husband looking for without.

Kids does not mean that.

You a fucked up person, or that you suck, or that you're unwanted or no one wants you. I just hate hearing that narrative because I see it in the comments.

I see that we're gonna grow old, lonely, like bro.

This is my decision as a human being, and I would never sit here. I'm a hypocrite on a lot of things, but I'm not a hypocrite to be on some You old, you ain't got no no wife, you ain't got no kids. You a shitty ass person because people make those decisions for themselves.

Sorry, clearly got triggered. I'm just not gonna a lot active be the narrative.

But men or women over fifty who aren't married and who don't have kids, because I have a friend right now who is unmarried with no kids.

I have friends right now who can't have kids, and.

I would just hate for the narrative in a couple of years because they're all approaching forty for it to be the you know, they suck as people, especially knowing we're talking about cancer. There's people that can't have kids after going through things.

So, yeah, I know, triggered, but just want to make sure I don't.

I don't believe that not talking about people know children or like mishaps or anything like that I'm being facetious, and I do think he's probably a dick.

And why you say that because he's treating her like what.

He just had cancer and can't get his dick hard, Like, bro, you get grumpy, sometimes you get grumpy.

Sometimes he had.

Didn't tell her to say with them many I'm not saying that because I'm just saying I'm not and he's being a dick, well, because he just fucking beat cancer. Like as a friend who some days Crystal didn't feel the best. Some days another friend was like, why the fuck am I here and didn't want to be here? Like beating cancer is a blessing you just talked about

But to me, that's why I leaned into it as a health thing.

There's a lot of things that come with people who navigate all types of things. So whether it's cancer, whether it's mental health issues, whether it's any sort of level of diagnosis that requires medication, like you as a person can decide whether to stay with them or not. I think that being guilted for staying with them, or staying with people who don't treat you, well, that's a whole nother like way of looking at that.

I don't think.

Anyone should put up with it. I don't think you should guilt yourself for staying. If it doesn't work for you, leave And I think that we have to as people, be fine with just leaving people because we don't want to deal with their health, not that they're dicks, not that they suck as people, because she loved them.

They have fun up until the cancer.

So but when people have to deal with like health shit, oh, they become different people.

They become different people.

So I don't want to put any labels of people being shitty as people when people have life changing moments like cancer where they beat it where they thought that they might be dying, where now it changes their whole bodies, where maybe now they have to decide or realize damn it, I can't have kids now. Damn I'm having hot flashes now. Damn,

And so for me, I.

Would say you, as a partner, leave if you don't want to be the support system or you don't have the patience or capacity to be there for him, and be okay with that. I don't think you deserve to be dating someone who's grumpy or nasty to you, But just know that this is his reality now and he may have more grumpier or more grumpier days than not because.

Of his health. And so look at the health thing. I don't think any of us have to sit here.

And not admit that we don't have the capacity to deal with someone's health issues. It's a lot, and so you have to sit with that. Do you have the capacity to weather through the storm with this man's health?

Yes or no? And if you don't choose yourself and leave him.

Wish them the best and maybe maintain a friendship, because when you break up with someone, you can still be friends with them even if he may fill away.

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