If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, friend, or a terrible throatfull.
Guess what you've got decisions, all right.
So this conversation this week is it just makes sense, especially with the holiday season coming up.
And one of our holiday members holiday.
It could be a holiday or a holiday. I'm going holiday because I ain't hoing right now. So I'm just saying for a holiday season. Whether you are in a relationship a situationship where it's complicated, there are sacrifices and compromises that have to happen when you're dealing with somebody. So I'm gonna get straight into the letter and then we're gonna break this down and give some advice. So good morning, beautiful ladies. Apologies in advance for this being
so lengthy. I just need some fights, oh girl. And it's not even that long. It's not that long. Calm down. I'm betting thees, I'm betting Theese. I I just need some advice on my current situation. I'm currently in a long distance relationship. Sometimes we have fights and disagreements, but outside of all of that, things are perfect except for
the distance. Of course, we had a semi heated argument recently about him not wanting to celebrate holidays and that he agreed to celebrate some with me, but only because he feels like I forced him to agree to it out.
The combo got.
Heated because I'm emotional, and although there are many times I don't even celebrate anything, I still like to do holiday ish activities like pumpkin patches, seeing Christmas lights, Halloween parties, etc. And in our combo, he said he would not do that with me because he just doesn't celebrate holidays. He chose to end the combo. We set our I love yous and ended the night. The following day, I reached
out first. I almost always reach out first. I asked him we can talk about the combo, and he said there's nothing to talk about. I told him I didn't like how the convo went, nor do I like that he feels forced. I didn't realize how he felt before he told me that, and that if he chooses not to celebrate with me, that's okay. Sacrifices and compromises right. His responses were dry and indifferent. I then told him, if that's how he was going to be he can just text me when he wants to talk, and he
left me on red, which we never do. I'm going to give him space and let him reach out when he's ready. With that said, here are her questions. How long would be enough time to wait before I reach out if he doesn't?
In question two? Am I making this holiday thing a big deal?
Part of our heated convo included him telling me I can celebrate.
With friends or even along, or even along.
Then to celebrate with him, and it hurts me because he talks about marriage and babies and moving in together, and like now I'm hurting over this holiday thing.
I'm not sure what to do. Thank you both, and looking forward to some insight.
So before we continue the conversation, let's answer her questions. So question one, how long would be enough time to wait before she reaches out if he doesn't?
Now?
Her?
Man?
Right?
This, that's what she said, she said, Well, she also said her current situation. No, she does. She says she's in a long distance relationship. Yes, that's her man. How long is too long for time? I ain't gonna hold you. I don't like I don't like this, I don't like you just going silent like this to me, feels like she's about to give him the silent treatment, so he wants to have the conversation that she wants to have.
I don't think you should just wait for him to hit you, because you also want him to talk about this specific topic.
What what did they did he say why he doesn't celebrate the holiday?
No, he just says he doesn't celebrate holidays.
I don't want to be judging, but I have to say something. Okay, b Cha, you always hit him first? Yeah, that is what she said.
That's it right there, girl, you always hit him first. You think that's an issue? Yeah, buddy, ever fucked the guy that liked you? I mean, she.
Says that they're in a long distance relationship, so I don't know.
Maybe that was also.
Not the truth. Maybe she doesn't always hit him first. Well, then let's go back to the question.
Maybe it's not a relationship like that. I talked about moving nigga niggas on a second day. They'd be like okay, and we were like people sometimes like a cake on the phone.
Okay. Also, I wouldn't want to go to Pumpkin Patch either.
Just gonna say that, that's what you don't I wouldn't want to go see Christmas lights either. I don't like that stuff. My homegirls were trying to give me go apple picking.
Now, what about the celebration of holidays in terms of the gift giving?
So I'm on what you're on. If I'm like really into you, but I can't understand a man not wanting to do.
Shit like that, I can. Okay, So something do you think?
Then that's the second question, like is she making this holiday thing a big deal?
Yeah? Really, No, I disagree. I think she is. I disagree.
I think first off, I think that these are one of like kind of like political views, religious views. If this is something you really like celebrating. Like, let's be clear, I was just with a fucking Muslim that didn't celebrate certain holidays.
I have homegirls that don't do Halloween. I get it, which is fine. That's why I'm confused. Homegirl and a partner is two different.
But if my partner really didn't celebrate Halloween for a certain reason.
No, so let me finish well, I don't even think it's the wild like religious religiously my ex did not celebrate Halloween, but the two but the holiday I wanted to celebrate was Valentine's Day. I think that I don't want to sacrifice me wanting to feel a certain way or something that means a lot to me.
That's the thing. I'm gonna be honest.
And I know this probably sounds like I'm trying to cap because I'm a girl. But Valentine's Day is slightly different because it's for lovers, it's four couples. I can understand someone not wanting to fucking celebday.
And I broke up with my nigga because he chose to not make me.
On Valentine's Day. So then let's not hone in on just each specific.
But but a pumpkin path for Halloween, let's talk about it's not a holiday where let's talk about general because that really is the point. Though I believe Valentine's Day is the outlier. Well no, she said, Well, she brought up holidays in general. So she spoke about Halloween, she
spoke about Christmas, she spoke about different holidays. So let's not dissect each holiday in which one you can and cannot sacrifice overall, do you think that you can be with someone as someone who enjoys the holiday spirit and celebrating holidays, have a healthy relationship with someone who's genuinely saying that they don't want to celebrate holidays.
I could if that reason was either religious or some hotep shit. That's what.
I really couldn't know holidays.
I fucked with a lot of.
Hotep niggas that will say things like yo, I'm gonna get you flowers, stare and get you whatever you give. Fore like, this is a holiday that's you know, commodifying love and it's hall Mark shiit, Like.
I totally some people are really like that with Christmas.
You gotta remember, I grew up Jewish, so I don't really understand like how that day was a big deal for everybody.
Thanksgiving we're woke now, Indigenous Day.
I don't know.
I don't I really wouldn't give a fuck. Okay, I really do feel like I could do that shit with my friends.
The only holiday I really love is Halloween, actually, and it was because it was the one holiday that my parents didn't really fight because they were like Christmas Hanukah. There was always some tension there, but if it was genuinely important to me and someone felt like it was devil worshiping wouldn't give a fuck.
I really think we have to so that So that's what I'm saying. Oh wait, so you would not celebrate if you said you really like, oh, I'm not gonna celebrate with you.
No, but that's what I'm saying. I'm not gonna go to the clerk, but you would. So you think I'm not gonna be Halloween part Are you gonna be like this?
So you would deal with someone who's completely against Halloween?
Yeah?
If I bro I've met so many amazing people in my life that have some kind of flaw.
I do a podcast with one.
I'm just kidding, but I'm saying, like, there's always going to be something wrong with a partner. So like, how can we how can we say that the Halloween is gonna make you break up or the Thanksgiving or this or that?
Like no, So then let me ask you this, since we're talking about it, how do you differentiate between a compromise and a sacrifice?
If?
To me, that's a good question.
I think that a compromise is where you meet in the middle, and a sacrifice is something you give up for someone and I think they may not be interchangeable, right, Like maybe a sacrifice is something you have to do to be in this relationship. A compromise is the way you guys kind of meet each other in a place right Like for me, I know it's not relative. Just thinking about compromises I have in my ethically non monogamous relationship.
I have boundaries and things I compromised on and so and things that he sacrificed for me.
So it's all different.
Do you have and well, if I want to ask you, is this as well? Do you have anything you're not willing to sacrifice in a relationship?
Male friendships?
Oh yeah, my friendships. I'm not willing to sacrifice at all.
For that has been a thing every man I've ever dated has been like, damn, you hang out with a lot of niggas.
Same, I'm not willing to see.
Got to be totally honest with you, and I'm not giving up my whole friends, my homegirls, my escort friends. I'm not giving up the ones that'd be in the streets, not giving up any of them. You got to just trust me. The thing with men that can sometimes be threatening to men as well is that, especially the world I'm in, I can't eliminate men. I fucking have a business partner. That's why you know what I'm saying, Like what am I supposed to do? But I won't give
up that. I also realize bisexuality is so fluctuating for me that like, I don't know if I could really give up playing together like non monogamy. I would be able to give up women alone, but I couldn't give up not ever eating but pussy again.
Yeah, same for me.
When I dated the hospital dick, he was not into three somes. He really didn't even like sharing porn together, Like he didn't like that.
I like that shit.
And remember when my homegirl said to me, like she felt like, oh, I couldn't let a man do that to me or a cheat in my face. That's what my relationship is, she said. I literally was thinking Mandy this weekend. He went to that bachelor party I told you about, and his friends were kind of boring. He's like, these niggs ain't even talking about the show club. I was like, damn, I hope you get to fuck a little country white girl who's like feticizing you and it's
some crazy shit you tell me about it. That was a genuine answer. I really wanted that nigga to come back with a sex story. I know I'm sick, Okay, yeah, yeah, I that to be fun. I want to hear about it what you do last night? Like, I am into that shit, and I know a lot of girls can think I'm fronting on it, but it really is something I'm into. When I dated Hospital Dick, it was a sacrifice that I thought I would enjoy and I realized wants the puppy face.
A little.
When it comes to sacrifices and wolf if you've ever done it as well? Is there any way to sacrifice something for a relationship and not harbor resentment because you're essentially changing something about yourself in order to maintain or stay in a relationship with someone who is making you give up something you potentially may.
Really enjoy or may really like.
Is there any way to give something up while dating someone and not later resent them for it or be upset or harbor any sort of emotion around that.
Yeah, I think that's definitely possible. I think nobody's bigger than the program when it comes to a relationship. So if you're doing it out of pure respect for that person, the respect is bigger than the thing that you hold it onto. It's like, Okay, I can do away with this out of the the union that me and you have.
What if it's a part of you, Like Weezy just mentioned, she wouldn't be open to sacrificing her sexuality for a relationship. What if you're sacrificing something that innately makes you who you are, then.
You're gonna have a problem. But be like.
Halloween, I don't feel like Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas is something that I need with my partner. Well, if you all get rid of your religious it would make me feel great to spend holidays with you.
If you really hated holidays.
That much, I'm not gonna give up on my nigga for fucking a few days a year.
What okay?
Right?
But Valentine's Day, I really do believe it's different. And I remember we had that episode we were all together in the room a few years ago.
Remember Wolf.
I really do think men know how special Valentine's Day can be to some women. And I think you have to consciously not get a fucking flower or do something thing, And you're.
Trying, That's what I'm saying.
It's intentional at that point, But with these other ones being that they can be controversial, whereas Valentine's Day is an actual holiday about someone you love.
Yeah, a little different. And I'm not.
Talking about do your word bag or fucking whatever, but just the acknowledgment I love you.
Send me a little poem, nigga whatever? Oh no, I don't want a poem. Don't send me no fucking poem. Oh I like that. What do you want?
You're getting real? Like, whoa, do not send me no fucking poem. I think that's just gonna be all right. I'm talking about additionally, Oh okay, sure send me a fucking haikup and then something else. Yeah, no, no, but I like all that.
Levey Debbie extra Shiit Roses read My assig was a waiter and made us dinner and he wrote me this really nice long thing, and I was.
Like, that's cute. Okay, what am I getting?
What if I'm sexual poem? You said, what what if it's a sexual poem?
Even don't want it even less?
It's like the best shit you wait, give us the bar?
I read saying, give us a bar? What rhymes of some threesome? I don't know.
I guess overall it's weird when it comes to the holiday conversation. I think with us being amongst the holiday season, with Christmas coming up, New Year's and then following directly right after that Valentine's Day, I think this is a conversation you should kind of have early with your partner. I guess, how how often, how soon into a relationship should it be within my couple of dates you're together.
I hate this conversation. I've had it so many times. With Thanksgiving. Oh, with Thanksgiving, Oh, they popped up Basically, I thought you invited him. No, no, No, This's how happened. He was on the we were hanging out that weekend, you know, the night before Thanksgiving, had fun. He was like, I'm gonna come, and I was like, uh, he was like, I'm gonna come.
I'm just calm. That's what I mean by popped up, Like it wasn't me inviting him. Okay.
But he later told me he felt like because my mom was facetimed and we talk about what she's gonna make, He's like, you wanted me to go.
I'm like okay, okay.
And I feel like, as we were dating for four months at that time, it's so difficult to figure out what someone wants to be.
Honest, don't know if I wanted him to come or not.
I mainly just was like, you don't want to overstep because it's early, because it's not just a holiday, it's family, right, So I don't fucking know.
Like I really don't fucking know.
I honestly, this year I was like, Yo, we're gonna invite my mom to Christmas with us? Like are we gonna blend these families right now? Like is this too much? And like it is a lot.
So when do you think is the perfect time to have the conversation around holiday expectation?
I think that all has to do with how soon you're willing to blend. Have you already met friends? Have you had a conversation about meeting someone else? Like most people meet their partner's family on a holiday. If you happening like that, you know what I mean? Someone had a birthday, someone had a thing, whatever, That's how kind of happens. So for me, I don't like to be pushy on my expectations of when I'm expecting to meet someone. Stanley,
I feel like about six months is right. I don't know if I've ever said this on horrible But I can tell it now because we're together. But I remember writing in my phone and I told my homegirl this. Who claims I did a spell because I wrote it. I was really falling in love with my partner. And it hit seven months and I wrote in my phone, if he doesn't introduce me to his family, you shared this, Oh I did?
Yeah, I don't. I don't think I want to do this anymore.
Bro.
Next day it was crazy.
And when I told him about that, He's like, yeah, I needed to find the right day. I didn't want to just bring you to the house. And it was this presentation. So the perfect time arose for me for me, holidays a perfect because there's already a lot of people aren't. Yeah, but I yeah, it's a six month mark for me.
Six month mark? What about what about you? Wolf? Like? How how soon? Actually? Well, he said take a year thing? Well, no, today to be his girlfriend?
How how soon do you think you should have the conversation with some of your dating around holiday expectations?
Let's have it as soon as possible, like as soon as possible, like let's just figure each other out and like everything I need to know let's ask the questions. Let's get to it.
No no, no, no what no good answer? No no, give me as soon as possible. What is that you start talking to somebody in July.
Let's start talking about it in July.
I'm not mad at that.
Why would that.
I want to do? Now?
Are you bringing it up?
I don't matter who bring it up?
We know?
Tell me how you bring it up? Because you know what?
So, how do you feel about holidays?
Like it's that simple? You could have that. Oh, I know you're talking about me, but you're you.
You you associated family members and things with holidays. I'm just talking about celebrating holidays in general, which is her thing.
Talking past.
Don't need the family to go with Like, it's okay, clebration of holidays. You think it should be something quite early.
Let's talk about it earth.
I agree, and also that as well. I gotta be honest. And it's like, why does he have to come her to a pumpkin patch?
I wanted to do apples and a pumpkin patch with my ex yo. I absolutely want to do things with my partner. I do so much with my friends. There are things that I really enjoyed that I.
Want to do with my partner.
I get it, but it's like the weight that she's feeling from it.
Yeah, she want to take the cute pictures she want people to see.
She wants or not even that she wants. Now that's what he is.
It could just be I want you to do something that I like to do.
If hollidays are.
Big for me, and maybe I sacrifice some some you gotta celebrate like me, I sacrifice Christmas with a Muslim bitch.
I want Valentine's.
Maybe I'm being a bitch about this, but I guess you are often being a bitch about things, but about a minding.
But what you I feel like I don't know.
I like I'm saying, maybe I'm being a bitch about it towards her because I get really emotional about things. Okay, but for some reason, the older I get, I realize there's certain things that I'm into that I'm dragging you into.
You know what I'm saying that I could feel it.
So that and that to me is what I think. She also said in this letter, wanting a compromise. No, it's not even the compromise. He is saying that he feels forced to doing this and that it doesn't make him feel good. I think that's another thing, dragging your
partner in into something they absolutely hate. That's where then you have the conversation around what's a sacrifice and what's a compromise, because I also don't want to drag my partner into something that inevitably they're not going to enjoy themselves in they.
Might resent agree like, don't I think she's presenting us this email in a certain way she did not present to him.
Well, the fact that she willing to just wait till he even responds, like hit her up.
I'm confused.
Since we have a few minutes left, I want to bring up a little homemail with me, my homegirl and I who's having an issue today? Is it about the same topic, similar with compromise and sacrifice? Okay, so she is a certain look and her boyfriend follows women that are blonde and green eyed, let's just say, okay, a bunch of them, and she's kind of like, this is
making me feel hello, weird and insecure. She wrote him a message and said she found it disrespectful that he likes all of these different girls pictures.
Da da da, I'm like, hold on, hold on, Mandy, I was agreeing at first.
I want you to look at the I said, well, it's just some bitches, so I'm thinking it's influencer girls, right.
She's like, weezy. Now, all of these girls, first of all, they look alike. They all have a low under or AMNA follower.
You could probably reach them. She's like, I feel like this is intentional. Why are you liking three photos of these fucking blonde hair, blue eyed, white hose like you must want something to do with them. He's like, yo, it's just Instagram. She's like, I feel like I can't talk to you about this because of your openness. Are they together? They're together, like live together. And she's like, this is really bothering me, and I need you to open your mind up to how this may make me feel.
I felt so bad the sacrifice or compromise here. She basically he said, yo, I put pictures of you.
On my Graham.
That's my compromise. But you're telling me do you use that word? Like I can't enjoy Instagram for what it is. And she's like, I've never posted a woman before. I've put our relationship all up there. If any of these girls really thought that they could see you right there. She's like, that's not a compromise as normal. Meanwhile, I'm like, I don't like that he called your photo a compromise, but but I do think it's weird to police someone's shit.
And for me, she's like, well, I don't post certain photos anymore, like I've literally made a sacrifice, I've made money with certain fashion no brand deals, da DA don't do it anymore because of him, So he can't get rid of some bitches for me. And I'm like, I know what you're saying, but to me, posting your body is different from liking a girl's pick. Maybe I can't be saying anything here, but I was really shocked that she was that mad about this.
Yeah, I hate the social media game with people.
I know, if you liking a bitch, maybe that I know that's kind of embarrassing, Like if you're trying to fuck a bitch in my orbit, that's what embarrass me.
But you're just like her issue is that what these women don't look like her.
That he's following like a few hundred of the girls that look all the same like this, and that they don't look like her. She feels like, is this what you're into?
She needs to go to therapy and address her own insecurities, like to me the wait wait home, to me when they got together, let me finish when they got together? Did she police all of these women that like? How how recent are even these follows? If this is something that happened prior to them getting together. He's been following all these women, He's been liking these type of pictures, bro the way I follow bodybuilder niggas, like skin niggas, niggas in London. Yeah, but what type of people? If
I think, I think therapy is right? If I got no because she needs to address her insecurities. If I got with a partner who out of nowhere started going through who I follow and what pictures I like of niggas that I've been liking and following because esthetically, that's what my algorithm shows me. That's who I decided to follow, and then brought it to me like it was a problem. I would that would that would turn into an ick
for me? That would that would that would turn me off that you've chosen to spend your time and go through my followers see that I have a type because clearly I have one, and then bring it to me like it's an issue within our relationship.
I think two things are happening here. One completely agree with the Instagram comment you made. Do not agree with the other. And I'll tell you why.
If your nigga likes stick figure.
Model girls and that was all of the women from his past and all the women he follows, you're not an insecure person.
If you think, oh, I'm not your type. I wasn't my type.
All the niggas that cheated on me with their wives, I look nothing like their wives.
I think it's not wrong at all to be curious. If someone is like, well, what is this? Then you remember I've even mentioned this, Mandy. I believe I'm beautiful.
Actually I know what.
I'm walking down the street all the time. But obay, only sheet on me with white girls. And there were so many times where I'm like, Okay, nigga, maybe you need to be with a white bitch. Like it was not me needing to go to therapy. It's a genuine curiosity of do you even like what you got?
When I say go to therapy.
I think there needs to be a real life conversation with self regarding your own insecurities.
I think they get any over some of those bro being also in an interracial relationship. Maybe that's where my friend's black, so maybe that's another layer here An looks better than all them girls, not just cappin, but really like, I think there is something there when it becomes with intermingling, where it's like, yo, if you were with a white guy and all you did was like niggas photos, he'd be like, oh shit, do you fuck with me?
I don't think that's wrong.
I think being able to question whether someone is happy with they got her if they feel like they're missing something.
I've had a joke, I just hate social media.
I've had a joke in every relationship where they always say when a dude with dreads walks by the like oh deshotype or you miss that da da da.
Even with my ex girlfriend, it's been a thing for me. So no shocker that I ended up with one.
But I could see why somebody would feel insecure because I would always look. But it doesn't mean I wasn't loyal. I just think with this particular thing, it's interesting because our conversation together was that she felt like I wouldn't be able to understand because of my style of relationships. I'm not as like, what's the word I'm looking for. I don't want to say controlling. I don't want to
call her controlling. But I do have a lot of openness in my shit where I wouldn't care about shit like that.
But in a normal relationship, I don't know, Wolf, is that weird to you?
What was the question?
Right?
The girl was asking like, Yo, can you not follow this? Many girls? Like she thinks it's weird that he's like all these minds.
It's an interracial couple, right, He's white, she's black.
And the girls all the girls look the same, white, blonde, blue eyed.
I mean, I could see how that can maybe trigger insecurity. I mean, but he's white, so obviously I don't know, man, I don't know. Y'all need to have a conversation that to.
Me, and I don't think that this is something where you can even bring up a sacrifice or a compromise. If you start sitting here and policing who what pictures he's liking or wants him to follow stuff, that to me is where the insecurity has overtaken this, and that's why I'm like, she needs to deal with her own things. If he's not cheating, or she has no like belief that he's stepping out and actually dealing with these girls or hitting them up, she needs to have more faith
in her partner. Like liking pictures is not cheating, I don't following people is not cheating. If the issue is that he's following white girls, there is no There is no sacrifice or compromise with that conversation. She either has to get over it and trust in her partner's loyalty to her, or work with her insecurities around the interracialness of that relation.
Because if the sacrifices, I'd have to give up the Graham I'm ringing up with you. You know, Instagram isn't that much.
I would break up with someone who wanted to make Instagram an issue or gave you an ultimately before before they before they make me end it so again. That would be something I'm not willing to sacrifice. I'm not willing to change the way I handle social media, the way I post, who I follow, what I like.
Baby, I'm gonna like every picture that met the man posts, and you.
Not going to sit here and be upset about a hundred of times and will would love to know y'all's thoughts. If you want to see the full video of this, make sure you join our patreon that's patreon dot com, back slash Horrible Decisions and.
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That is going to be the main place where we'll be able to read this. That was a perfect out. What she wrote was great.
Give us a little backstory though, and if you got to dictate if something's going on with it.
Because you're not, we don't want to see it.
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