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All right, I'm gonna get right into this one this week because it's a long one, but we got details. I'm gonna give it somebody. I'm gonna read it like our would our book No Holds Barred. Okay, make sure you are order that now and get your tickets for the tour nhbtour dot com. Okay, let's get into this, girl, if you ever want a detail, if you ever want a backstory, we get in it today.
High decisions Decisions.
So I'm in my first series relationship and I've been feeling stuck for a while now. Also, do not roll y'all eyes when I read her age. I'm twenty two and my boyfriend is twenty six. We've been together for several years and we live together now. He's had other relationships before, but I lost my virginity to him. While I care about him a lot, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort when it comes to intimacy, both emotional and physical. To give
you some background, this isn't something new. It's been It's been an ongoing issue for a while, and I'm feeling more frustrated. I've tried talking to him multiple times about how I'm not getting my needs met, but it feels like nothing changes. For example, I've expressed to him that I want him to put more effort into our intimacy. I've told him that I want him to reciprocate, like when we're being intimate. I want him to give me oral too, or at least engage in four play in
a way that feels mutual. He'll sometimes reply, well, it wasn't a problem before, and if we didn't get together when we were teenagers, or as if I can't want different or have different needs for our relationship and myself. He has given me oral a few times over the years, but it's not as often as I would like.
And when I've brought this up, he says he's fine with it.
I've asked him directly if he just doesn't like doing it or something, or if something's wrong with me that I should know, and he always assures me there's nothing wrong. But even when we talk about sex, he'll smile and we'll talk about the things we'll do to each other, but it just doesn't follow through like i'd hope. I've expressed that I want to feel wanted and desired in this way, but it often feels like he just isn't
putting in the same energy. There's also a pattern where I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells because of past mistakes, especially something that happened years ago when I kissed another guy in front of him.
Oh girl, what she said.
I was young and it was a mistake, a bad decision, but it feels like but it feels like.
He's still holding onto it.
It's hard because sometimes I feel like he's using it as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy from me. Now, if you will like more details or background off with this, I could share. If you like gery, you wrote enough, all right, keep going. The most recent incident that happened was we were both in bed. I was rubbing on his back. He guides my hand to his dick, so of course I get excited and I start to rub
on him. I'm telling him things in his ear. I'm starting to think of all the things he can do to me. He pulls my shirt down, grabs my boobs. I'm getting excited. I'm inching my way closer to his body, wanting him to touch me below.
He doesn't, but I'm getting wet.
Moments passed, he's finally but slowly moving his hand to the rim of my shorts. I'm thinking, yes, finally touch me there, but he doesn't. He moves his hand away and over his head. I know he's enjoying it because he was grunting and his dick was hard as fuck. But now I'm back in my head again and instead of thinking of all the things he can do to me, I'm thinking why he isn't doing the things I want
him to. He eventually puts his dick in me, but it doesn't feel like he even wants to have sex with me for pleasure of both of us, but solely for the pleasure of him. I try to redirect my thoughts. He finishes, wipes me, then rubs on my legs. As he's rubbing my legs, I ask him if he could return the favor, and he replies, I'm going to sleep, so out of frustration, I use the vibrator to take care of myself right next to him in bed.
Honestly, I'm wondering that was too harsh, But I.
Was just so annoyed and frustrated because I feel like he's not even trying. During this particular incident, I was sick, so when I took out the vibrator to use on myself, he said, you don't seem sick now, and I replied, I'm sick, but my vagina isn't that.
He was mad. He grabbed his pillow in a cover girl and slept on the couch. Can I be honest, hold on, were I don't know.
They we'll see this was not the first time something has happened like this. When he finishes and I don't, I sometimes as to be taken care of.
He'll say he's going to.
Sleep, actually falls asleep, or just instantly get mad that I'm asking. Normally, I'll just go to the bathroom and finish quietly, hold in my saved hold it in, save my energy, and go to sleep or speak up, but then we'll end up arguing. Unfortunately, there are times where I'm satisfied by just giving, but the times I feel like I need more and he doesn't reciprocate is my issue.
Lately, I've been feeling emotionally drained.
I even ended up crying while finishing myself off, which has never happened before. I don't know if it's just because of the high emotions or because of how he's not meeting my needs. So here's where I'm struggling, and here are the questions we're going to help her answer. Weezy, Am I in the right for feeling upset and frustrated by how he's treating me?
Or is it just me being overly sensitive? Number two? What should I do moving forward? I don't want to break up, but I can't keep feeling like I'm the only one trying.
How do I communicate this in a way that we'll get through to him?
Number four?
Should I step back from being intimate with him until things improve? Or is that something I might regret? And the last question is was I being too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did. I really don't want to walk away from this relationship, but I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle.
Where nothing changes.
I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation and whether I'm justified in feeling this way after everything that's happened. I hope my story makes sense to you. Thank you so much for your time and help. Best A fan.
So I know we could just say, girl, break up with him.
There's more dickinacy, but she reiterated three times that she does not want to walk away from this relationship, So let's think of advice from that perspective.
Well, I want to tell you why you don't want to walk away from this relationship, because we've all been there. You don't want to start over, you don't want to be without him, you're attached to him, he's comfort. But you need to hear this because it's true that that idea and that feeling you have of losing this person being so awful is the feeling that he doesn't have when it comes to pleasing you and honoring your relationship, treating you kindly, making you happy, not making you feel bad.
There's a whole energy shift when someone is walking, going to sleep on the couch all over the fact that you just want to be pleased too. There's no mutual attraction in these scenarios, and I think avoiding the whole breakup conversation is sometimes difficult because we're just I can't be the big Fis girl and be like, yeah, push
through when hearing stuff like this hurts my feelings. Frankly, there's a chapter in No Hol's Barred where I talk about having sex with someone and crying right after and going to sleep right next to them, not knowing, like not feeling pleased, not having orgasms like this story is one that is tail as old as times, and we are such loyalists as women that we don't want to leave a situation we've been in for a while because we feel like starting over is bad, But what else
is worse and bad is being with someone that treats you that way. And it seems like you already have had enough conversation. So yes, we'll go through these questions, but we're not going to pretend like this is a relationship anybody should be championing.
So that's just where I want to get out.
Oh yeah, I want to be clear, I'm not championing this relationship as much as I do feel like sometimes the easy way out is just telling you to leave and go hop on a dating app and find someone else. Let's be very clear, I've had sex far too many times with someone that lost my trust, that betrayed me, that my body was telling me was not the person for me to stay with. Unfortunately, I also feel like this is a relationship where you were adamant that you
stepped out or betrayed his trust. So unfortunately, where he's not comfortable being as intimate as he wants to be with or as you want him to be with you, he may also just be that much in his head where he has not forgiven.
You for literally violating him in front of him.
So I think that there is you do have to hold yourself accountable, and you have by acknowledging that you did make a mistake, and you did it in front of him, And it wouldn't be without me thinking that that could be a potential reason for him showing up this way.
Yeah, of course it definitely also attributed.
To like and yeah, like, so I want to say where we could definitely tell you to leave his ass, and we both think that you probably should and that this is an unhealthy relationship. I can also be very frank with you and say, girl, you twenty two, I promise you this nigga will not exist in your life by thirty. But that's coming from someone thirty four who in her twenties may have thought she met the love
of her life. This is clearly someone that isn't mature enough to hold space for you, your wants, your needs, or communicate those things. So let's get through these questions. Am I in the right or feeling upset and frustrated by how he's treating me? I want to be very clear. The other part is or am I being overly sensitive? I think that we as women unfortunately attach the words sensitive or nagging or coddling or codependent, like all of
these words that we attach negative things to. Sensitive being one overly sensitive being a dramatization. I think you are in the right for feeling how you want to feel, and being upset and frustrated that your partner doesn't seem interested in pleasing you is a valid response. Weezy, I'm gonna let you answer this next one. What should she do moving forward? She can't keep feeling like she's the
only one trying. But how should she communicate this in a way that you think will actually get through to him?
I think he need to stop communicating it during and after. I think when the sex stuff is happening, it gets awkward. No one knows what to do. You need to be saying this before you. Guys have sex. Sometimes in person conversation might be difficult, So if you got the balls to do it on the phone, give them a call.
Right after you hear this episode.
And be like, you know, something's really been on my mind. You also need to approach the conversation with I understand we chose to stay together, but forgiving and forgetting is another thing. And is this happening like you need to people that have I will say in the past, I mean it's not happening in my current relationship, but in the past when someone's fucked up, I do appreciate when they say, yo, I know I did x y Z, I know I hurt you. That acknowledgment goes a long way,
and I'm sure that you've already done that. But doing it in the same conversation as the sex, because at least you'll get your answer, Like, if it ain't a smell nigga, is it the other niggas? What is it?
Cause you need to know because your brain, your anxiety, all of that is going to go rampant.
I agree, absolutely, And I also think that it's just important. And I say this I think as a tip I've said it on the podcast that sometimes sex desires, fantasies, things that you may want to try that are in the norm. Clearly, oral sex isn't something that you say you get all the time, but you've only got a few times. Ask specifically for that. Don't just think for it and want it to happen. When you are about to have sex, tell him explicitly, Babe, tonight, I want my pussy eight tonight.
I want you to taste me tonight. I want to please each.
Other orally only there's other ways to where you can let it be known of what you specifically want and everything else is a cherry on top. But don't let sex be the whole pie, Like let everything else be the cherry on top, and the whole Sunday be what you want.
And honestly, I don't even want you to go on to the point where you like, let's try sixty nine to night, so you have to trick like it's okay to just receive, be a receiver and let someone enjoy you. And I think there's so much guilt and anger going around that, like you just can't get there, and the conversations aren't happening outside of the bedroom, which is why you're having issues in the bedroom.
I agree.
The next one, should I step back from being intimate with him until things improve?
Or is that something I might regret? I'm not gonna lie.
What you're saying is it sounds like something called an ultimatum. I absolutely do not think that you should hold back or punish him or keep sex out of the relationship till things improve. I don't see how it will improve if you're not doing it, And I don't think that it's a fair thing for you to do. I know you wouldn't like that done to you, and I think that it eliminates the communication. I don't think it it's healthy to completely remove it off the table until you
get what you want. That's kind of like throwing a tantrum. It's not mature. And I think that if you genuinely want to reach a level of intimacy, specifically physically and emotionally, you can't lead with an ultimatum.
And that's what that sounds like to me.
You can't completely step back from being intimate until he gives you.
What you want, because we still don't know at this point if the reason he's not giving you what you want is because he's doing it as a punishment, and so it's just right right and no communicating. The more you play, the more you're not getting what you want. He's playing a game with you and not being honest because you flat out are like, well what is it?
He's like, everything's cool.
So I genuinely think both of you are doing disservice by you not giving him no pussy in him playing this game.
The only thing and I'm sure you've heard this.
So many times, communicate, communicate, communicate, and really the help that you need is how to communicate, and I think effectively it has to be outside of the bedroom.
And if you do get too shy in person.
I know some people say it's better to do things in person, but I think phone calls can be good too. Sometimes we need to be in our isolated space, like I don't know, I really feel like you've just got a call and pull the band aid off.
Both of you know what's happening.
Yeah, And then the last question is was I being too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did? I don't know if you guys are deep into the catalog of horrible decisions. I did this with a previous partner and it was out of spite. It was in my immature way to show him that I didn't come, that I wasn't finished, and that he didn't please me.
And to be honest, it resulted in nothing. Bitch, he came. So I don't think that it was too ursh or overreacting.
But it's like, do you know, like when girls go on to like their platforms and be like, oh, he fumbled me, he lost me.
Bitch. If he wanted to be there, he would. If he wanted to show up, he would.
And so you thinking that you did that, you're doing something to hurt his ego. He might just think you'd be imre immature about it. I've done it before, so this isn't me, you know, sounding like ooh, bitch. I would never but even after the fact, it literally didn't change anything. And to be honest, I was only doing it to make him aware that he didn't make me come, and because he was right there, bitch, I still never came. So I don't think you were too harsh or overreacting.
I do think, however, your reaction was immature. I agree, that's what I would.
Say about that.
I do hope that you guys choose to communicate. I do hope that you choose to get over this hump. And it does sound like he possibly hasn't forgiven you because you only acknowledged your mistake in the relationship and not his. So I would just wonder if you guys may need therapy. You are both also young, but not it's it's always worth trying, And to be fair, I would never say tell for anyone to stay in a
relationship where they're crying, unfulfilled emotionally and physically. Intimacy is something that I just recently experienced and I absolutely crave it and need it. And so if you're not getting that and this all of the advice that we gave you doesn't work, I just want to let you know. Bit you young, and it's a whole lot of other people out there.
It's only gonna hurt for a little bit. Baby, It's just it is.
I mean, no, no, no, no, I was hurt for about a year and a half. And this is the person you lost your virginity too, and the only person you've been with Andy.
I reckon it works.
I'm just saying I want to be real, like man Joe bounced back.
I'm not.
But I know that Nick bitch is at twenty two, really think it's the end of day life and oh my god, they lose it out all today.
Soulmate, we be dumb, we be delusional.
In our twenties, and so I understand that she probably is too.
Bitch.
I was delusionally, bitch, I was delusional at thirties, so I can only imagine where she's feeling. And this is the nigga who took her virginity. She said they've been together since teenagers. This isn't gonna be easy, but I have for you.
Sorry, my god, I was gonna say, we definitely need to do some updates. We should be doing a YGD update episode. That would be great. So I would really appreciate if you could reply to the thread. If anyone's ever sent us a question, reply and let us know what you did with that advice.
I would be great to hear.
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