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It's humpday.
Baby, It's Wensday and welcome to another episode of You've Got Decisions.
Oop, you're humping hope you're unhappy. We're back with another question of some shit we probably have not the right answer to, but here we go.
Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members and Baby were bringing it right here. And this is a very interesting question as we've been talking so much about relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get into her short description. Hear about it, but she said, how do I show my man that I actually haven't outgrown him? I love this show, longtime patron and listener. My husband has started getting in his head about me leaving him. We've been together ten years since college, and
of course things have changed. I've lost close to two hundred pounds and I make about one hundred and fifty thousand more than he does. Wow, girl, he's my best friend, but these two things.
That was for the way he lost That was no shade by the way.
He's my best friend, but there's these two things have him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two kids together and I think he's amazing, but this paranoia that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change in so many different ways, and so for this to be not only a physical change, clearly which we all experience with age, but a financial change in the best
possible way, this is interesting. So I'm gonna throw it to you all first. But how do you think she should show up or reassure her man that she's here and not looking for someone.
I don't want the boys to answer this person. Then maybe we I don't really know what to say on how a man the fragility of this, How would.
You feel if you're a woman changed her looks drastically and then also maybe got into a position career wise where she made one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more and.
We got to guess that's cool. But how does she know he feels this way?
By the way, he said, he's become paranoid and he's expressing.
Uh, she said, getting fine and rich?
She said, he's his paranoid is showing and he thinks, which I assume he said, I'm going to quote unquote leave him for someone better.
Now we're gonna say drastic, like capital all draft, like, this is all drastic.
She lost two hundred pounds, kudos to you. But then also, I know what he is, I know who it is.
Oh wow.
And yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship.
And they've known each other for ten years. I think for one eden, before you speak real quick, I want to know, is someone improving her physical appearance something that would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd want someone else?
No, okay, that's the thing. It's like, one, let's go even with just the weight loss and stuff like that, that's just bettering yourself in general, not saying that you can't be in a high saying that, yeah, exactly right. But I'm saying I understand that some people go through a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's one thing, right now what Okay, so she got her money up, which means you know, she got her everything
else up. I truly do believe that there are some men who get into certain relationships with certain women who are not in the most wealthy position, right or maybe even the best best considered a physical condition for them because they want to feel better than right. Because of that, I feel like there might be and this is just a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way that you are not who you once were before, and now he might not have the same grasp as he could have before.
I saw Aldoman. Her name's the six Footed. I don't know if you've remember heard from Orlando, but I just had a dinner with was at a dinner she was at and I really want to have her on. She's a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some I do, but I would say she kind of has a bandy effect of sometimes a lot of her opinions
are just like WHOA. She says something on a podcast where she said men are dating fat women because they I guess I'm not quoting her right, but like maybe she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want, they have less options type of things. So that's why men are dating iterated service and I hated the options. But the rot with you, Ed is literally validating them what you said. That's the thing.
I don't think it's because I think change in general, it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger too, smaller. It could be smaller, bigger, doesn't matter. It could be going from a hundred, it could be from let's say eight thousand to one hundred and fifty thousand.
Right.
It's the point is that now you don't feel like you might have the same grasp at that person because their quality has improved to them. Yeah, because someone could start losing mad weight and not be happy, So I was.
Gonna make that happy.
It's funny because we put this onus on like the fat woman quote unquote being more subservient or doing whatever. When kind of what I picked up from what you said, Eden is this man is insecure and may have felt more secure in their relationship because of what he thought
society's views on you were as a woman. And now you've lost this weight, and what is really happening is not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity because he feels like, damn, now that you look this way or make a certain amount of money, you have more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well, men may date less attractive or bigger women.
Because of their own goddamn insecurities.
Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will do because they're insecure or down and need to settle. Well, it's the fact that men show up and get something that makes them feel comfortable as well.
And I'm gonna be the way, by the way, so let me just say one thing real quick to clarify, because I totally understand where you're comeing from from me, even mentioning that on the show. It could be that same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and variables that we plug it and doesn't have to be. The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men are with certain women or stay with certain women because of the comfortability, and they're like, you know what, things
are not going to change. I like my girl who she is now, and you're gonna change on me. You know what, You're gonna make more money, you gotta feel happier about yourself now, and you like this.
Is kind of hypothetical.
And everyone or even Wheezy y'all like thick brawl it for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a big stocku man during your relationship. They choose because they want to feel better for their own reasons.
They lose weight.
She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner, and your man becomes a little scrawny ass.
You know, just just thin, lean man, because that's what they want. Is that not?
Like?
Could you as a partner then say you changed what I like?
I don't know if I want to stay here anymore. I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering, too, is you're smaller?
That's not what I like? Because I do think you need to kind of I want to I wear a hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the chunky braids. He likes s get me like standard, just regular, knot list box breid. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids. And I remember I was talking about I might do it for some episode of sex Cell. He was like, I hope it's just for that episode. You know, I don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you're gonna tell me what they do a nigga. He's like,
I mean, but what do you want to wear? Styles? I like? Wouldn't I wouldn't wear I wouldn't cut my hair, didn't die my hair. I know you fucking think that shit is crazy? Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes, And I gotta be hones yes, and I think there is a yes and because when it comes to health it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance. For example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's
a style you love. It looks cute on you. But if he's like, I hate when women wear.
Pants, Oh, you gotta get over it, or that's such a common thing the way.
And if he goes and yes, and we talked about it, it's so funny. I went out to have drinks with my friend the other day and I had a sun dress long with flowers.
He said, I didn't even know you own that.
I said, sorry that I just like a suid with you, babe, Like I'll bring the fuck maybe I'll bring the sun dress.
But I wear what I want to wear when I want to wear it. Yeah, I guess if you meet me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But I think style.
I do physical appearance in money, I do think physical experience.
If it's not for health, like if I got a BBL, my nigga would probably leave me.
I'm not a lot. It's okay now now, I like how you said that, right, I will subscribe to the fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with however she is. I will be toxic in the sense maybe that if my girl wants to go get a bb or something, I'm like, I don't know why we got to put you on the knife.
To make you more beautiful.
I wouldn't.
I can't subspect. I love that.
I want to go back though to the question, especially as a guy, I will give my advice. How do I assure my man that I have not outgrown him? I will tell you now, and I've said it based off my own experience with an insecure as nigga. You cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel more secure about themselves without them doing the work.
I would say, he needs to go.
To therapy and work on the things that's triggering him to make you feel like you'll leave.
You can literally take him on dates.
Gift him every week, tell him every man morning that you love him, Tell him you don't want to be with anyone else, and the devil on this shoulder will constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone better than me right now. I feel like the projection and the paranoi is coming from his own insecurities.
That he has to work through.
Agree on that.
Yeah, And I also don't think anything you could do. I don't think your man is with you because you looked a certain way like she's married, right, Yeah, I remember her writing before. But I honestly think sometimes we just get insecure with self improvement for someone we aren't doing it for ourselves. And so if you're making more money and changing your fitness, it could be just like damn, like I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we
were doing together. A lot of the mirror for people, a lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together, they're encouraging each other, they're doing things together. So you may just be making him feel left out. Not to say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to you is probably making him feel left out. So I would just do the opposite instead of figuring out how do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do the same, Like no matter how you lost weight. We
all know that gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together, start saying we I want us to be fly, I want us to have a gold work towards. Let's go on this cruise, Let's go on this vacation together and make sure we get here setting goals together. I think he would feel less left out of it. Yeah, but money or already fit. Oh, that's a good act.
That's kind of my thing.
Right, It's like, that's why I even want it. Just the attraction that he had to That's why rety about the no, no, no, I don't think this is attraction.
It could be different equations and different variables, right, it's of the fact that it's like he does feel like he's being left out. But to your point, it's some stuff that he might want.
To work smaller. Like I would almost bet my life he isn't fit. If you were with someone who was super super fit and you made a health change like that, I really think they would beating man. He give me a second. Let me, let me, let me, let me finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit, I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable with your weight loss more than they would champion it and feel like you did something that's more in alignment
with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if someone's living that life, they are going to love that people. And mind you, I own a gym, now, I know how these people are fucking talking every day they are
seeing this shit so different. Literally to the point where one of the new girls that works with us, she's such a cutie talking about what type of man she wants, first thing on her mound, healthy lifestyle, like I want to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine to get like that's how they talk. So if she was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world where he's like you want someone else now, No, because you, but it could be.
It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very small thing right in terms of the insecurity of a man. You could put a dress on to go hang out with your friends, and he looks at that dress and knows that other men are gonna look at it. He's gonna want you to take that dress. That's his own insecurity, projecting at the fact that now other men are going
to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying in terms of this man's your husband's projection of damn, you don't lost this weight, Maybe you're gonna get the attention of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how I'm showing up.
Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's no way. I really don't people that are living a certain way. When you get to have your partner being in alignment. Just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right, Imagine he got a girl who's a meati either and suddenly she wants to become vegan. He's not gonna be like, oh, what nigga made you change your mind? Hell no, He's gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. See.
But that's an interesting aspect too, right, can maybe we can move those variables around. What if it's about eating lifestyles and stuff like that, But.
Eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that you're going to find someone better.
I think it's healthier.
Right.
Let's say if me and my girl both me eaters. Now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life.
A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better than me, or you being able to pull different men, or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship. It's physical change. Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that,
let's be very clear when we talk about men. We had an episode about the patriarchy, when we talk about how men show up as the provider, how can I really be the provider now when you make one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more.
To be honest with you, though, I think being that they've been married for a while, because if I remember who this is, she's been our patron for a minute. If it really is money as long as they've been married, I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous person in the household, like for example, let's just say I'm ake okay, she makes one to fifty more. Let's say he makes one hundred and she makes two fifty.
We're married, I don't know, ten years, maybe we're getting a different like, yeah, it's like you gonna have to fucking keep this extra one hundred and fifty thousand in the talk for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck no, nigga, we getting a new.
And if he was raised like Wolf, I can understand how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should.
Be as a man now doesn't align with this emotion. Whe you think Wolf don't feel about white.
But I'm saying, as a provider and protector Wolf, your woman comes and makes one hundred and fifty k, and mind you. We just had this conversation as well with a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone who doesn't have more than a thirty thousand dollars difference because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to tell who what and all those things. Because it's unfortunately relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is often rooted in who the breadwinner is.
Who the head of household is.
Yeah, yeah, I take it a step further. I don't mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money than me. Like the type of guy I am a very dominant So it's more about like mentality and the frequency between us like, you can make way more money as long as I don't feel different from the position I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't
feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore, I want to provide a point that I think it's very possible that somebody could go through their life being overweight, right, and then they slim down, and then now they get attention that they never got before ever in their life. They got people giving him certain looks, they got people charming them in a certain way, and I think it's possible they could fall victims to the abuse of the power.
Yeah, that's crazy. I think that's very possible. I absolutely agree with you know, I like something you just brought up. You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as women constantly use money as the way that men will feel emasculated by us, when in reality, I don't know. I have someone in my life that makes a lot more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions for them, and I think that's super fair and just.
I've seen him make this. He's very masculine, like I've seen him kind of whether it's her car or not. We've been out in La, Like he's opening the door, he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check, he's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy extensive car or whatever the case, but like, it's not just finances that can make man feel down. And I
guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender work conversation, and I honestly hope we don't have it for a while because I'm a little bit on overloaded it. But like, yeah, I agree, we don't know what you can do.
I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as a way for him to deal with whatever his mind is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really really proud of you for getting a position professionally that allows you to make that much money as well as taking your health into consideration and losing two hundred pounds, because bitch.
That is incredible and amazing.
So we hope that your marriage can get over this hump, honestly, And if you guys have any suggestions, make sure you write them in the comment, make sure you follow us, subscribe us, and also make sure you order No Holds Bart, a dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration and Power available now for you to pre order, and it'll be sent out to you when it drops June and twenty fourth. Anyways, thank you guys for tuning in too. Another episode of You've Got Decision, Uh, you Got Decisions girl Bye,