Ep47: Monogamy Does Exist? Feat Lovers Quarrel

Wine female owned pop ups. Um, there's gonna be like a braid bar. They do some really amazing events. I love coming out there, so you should definitely check it out. It's in the East Village. Um. I'm also going to be giving some dating advice. Honestly, I don't know how well it'll go. I would just say sex advice is

pretty much what I could give you. But if you want to have some fun with me, it's gonna be going down after worktime six to nine on February thirt the day before Valentine's Day, So if you actually have a bow, you can have time for that. It's at East First Street in New York in the East Village. Um, you can take the f Train or Bleaker Street to get there. Um. I can't wait to see you guys, and let's have some fun. Hi guys, UM, I guess this is this is kind of odd. This is a

different dynamic. Welcome to another episode of Horrible Decisions. I'm your girl, Mandy be and we have a special co hot hey host today a horrible host. Hello, hey, Um. We have Michelle Hope Um in place of Weezy for this episode. Weezy is out of town. Y'all know she'd beat that and bopping or whatever. So we have Michelle and you guys absolutely loved her on our last episode. And for the month of February, what me and Weezy decided to do is bring on couples. It only makes sense.

It's the month of love. Why the funk not? So we have a wonderful couple UM in the building with us today. I wanted to go ahead and maybe catch up with Michelle because she's been fucking rocking since she came onto our last show. So do you want to update our listeners and what's been up with you? I mean absolutely, I've been grinding it out, so I have a book for young women dropping February twenty. You guys

can go on Amazon and check it out. It's called A Girl's Guide to Sex Education, and it's like over a hundred honest answers to like the burning questions of teens. Could you add, like, what are a couple of the questions? Well, I mean it kind of goes through everything. I'm so mad at I forgot to bring you one, but um, it goes through everything from puberty to hygiene. Like one of the questions was why do I have dimples and on my butt and thighs? And my response was, welcome

to womanhood, honey. It's and we have to have it right right as women. I think that we are bombarded with images of you know, touched up girls, touched up women, even if you're curvy and lovely or thin, and um, I don't have a lot of curves, but you know, I still have satellite and that's a very normal, natural part of being a woman, and it's important to our ability to reproduce. So I really the book is really

designed just to be a conversation starter. Parents. If you're going to buy it, you need to read it first. Because the book was intended to give young people a language that they can take to their trusted, knowledgeable adults and ask deeper questions. Right, Like, I love that I have become some type of youth guru when it comes

to sex, but without having children, mind you. Um, but I think that what it's really about is giving people a language and a normalcy to these kinds of conversations that, especially in our community, we often I don't want to talk about it talks about virginity loss and getting married even so it kind of covers a lot of stuff. So that is coming up. And then also, like I mentioned to you the um dj MV February nine, I actually let Michelle know I will be on the building.

I'll just be coming back from l A. So Jesus Christ, don't get on me if I look a hot mess, but I'm gonna be. I love you, thank you. But um yeah, this is um Speaker production, um G and Casey. They have and Casey, Gia and Envy Casey have a great show. Um and they have Michelle as a fucking guest, so it can't be anything but awesome. I think that how they discussed their relationship on their podcast is amazing

and I'm sure that you have such great things. Yeah, I mean, this isn't the first time I've worked with them. I'm excited because one, it's the night before my book drops too, it's right after Valentine's Day three. You know, they have three daughters, so like, and they work in hip hop and the industry, and you know, there's a lot to unpack their being minorities and working in entertainment. I mean, look what's going on with the Me Too movement, and so there's gonna be a lot we're gonna unpack.

And I really hope that, you know, podcasts like the one we're doing right now and podcasts like that continue to lead us to deepen our discussion right not only in our communities, but also our neighborhoods and even more importantly, our own dinner tables. So we can start unpack being some of this mist this this mysticism around sex and sexuality and kind of reclaim that in what works for us. But let's talk about marriage. Well, it's so funny because

I wanted to get into everything you just said. I the last time you was here, Wheezy went on her a little um woke rants and I actually have one today and I want to share kind of my distaste. So I was invited to the So Shameless podcast UM

with Tahoe, who at that point I considered a friend. UM. And after listening back to the episode, like my heart beat beating fast right now, just talking about it, UM, the conversation was about body image and UM specifically he's fat shamed a lot with his podcast with Cutty, and so the conversation had me and Larris. Larris is a plus size model who one Project Runway, and as we were talking, there were just some things that as a friend,

I one felt uncomfortable. I think it's very important that when men and women share a friendship that there's that level of respect that remains there. And so as we're talking about body image, and as I'm talking about how curve your women are objectified and sexualized at even at a very young age, I had hips and bud and thighs and older men would look at me because those were woman parts to have, you know what I mean. And so as I'm explaining this, he decides to bring

up my sexual assault that happened on the train. UM. For I'm not going to get into that, but basically I was riding the train home from work, and as anyone who lives in New York knows, rush hour, the trains get packed and a guy unzipped his pants and had his dick on me. So Taho knew that this

happened to me. He brought it up as a segue into pretty much saying that the podcast that we do here me talking about sex, me being open about my sexuality, pretty much saying that I should expect this behavior from men. And I tried to sit here and say, listen, that man probably had no idea I had a fucking podcast, And to sit here know that men are out here thinking that because women like you, or women like me or Wheezy should expect a certain behavior from men. It really, really,

really really like I I cried on the podcast. As y'all know, I probably don't show many emotions when it comes to myself. Actually I really don't. You know, I'm not very emotional period, And for me to cry and for him not to understand where I was coming from really really really put me in a place. And so I posted my thoughts about this online and I want to read a comment. Y'all know we'll be reading on motherfucking comments. So I'm gonna bring a comment that I

posted onto the Horrible Decisions page. This is a listener who wrote under Tahoe's UM page. He said, at full Court Pumps, I'm going to have to be honest with you. Let me start by saying, I love you and Wheezy and listen to your show weekly. You didn't deserve to have some creek treat you like that. On the train. However, you and Weazy talk about doing how ship and having rape fantasies and all other kinds of crazy ship that is wild to most people. I understand why Tahoe would

think and say what he said. He apologized to you on air as well as in here, and it's like you want to kill dude for having a quick thought or opinion. You have to relax, ma. Once again, this is a grown man pretty much sitting here saying I like your show. It's cool and all, but listen, Tahoe was right, you do need to expect this from men. And throwing that however or that button there just kind

of like really really really really really irked me. Um. And it's something that I feel like a lot of our women listeners and we have a lot of male listeners. UM will get into our guests and how we even met. But to know that men think that because I discuss kinks, or because sex and you're a sexpert UM or been a woman with curves, that we should expect this behavior for men, it's it's really disgusting. And my advice to

this was it needs to start in the home. I think a lot of our young boys are young guys are not being taught that there are certain things that you should not do. UM. There's a certain level of respect you have to have for all women, not just your mom, not just your sister, but any woman that you meet, even in public. And I know that you talked to talk with us about young children, And I mean again, I think that this definitely does have to start in the home, but it starts way before that,

Like we're talking about a cultural shift. So that's one too. And in first and foremost, I want to apologize one for your experience on the train, UM, and two that you were re victimized in a public space because what that person doesn't realize they did one is deeply rooted in the very rape culture we are all trying to

fight with shows like this. If you're not aware, rape culture is a society that has normalized um, sexual assault or victim blaming on women, and and and that is to shame them and call um what happened to them their own faults because of their behavior. Okay, that is wrong, um one two. Victim blaming is also um devaluing your experience. And and as a friend, you kind of just don't

expect to hear that from a friend. It's like, Okay, maybe you're talking about it, but to literally sit here in segue from my sexual assault to my podcast and what I do, I just felt like this is really how you feel. You really feel like I deserved this in a way, or that I should just expect this in my day to day life. And it's just it's, well,

the thing is here is now I'm gonna shift. And and as frustrated as I'd like to be with the individual that did that to you, I have to be angry at society because I don't know how old that person is. Okay, so for forty two years of that person's life, we have normalized locker room talk and normalized slut shaming and and and and um, you know, the virgin and the slut like the Madonna whore complex, and and women of color especially have been marginalized sexually, and

that which we don't have time for. And I won't get into roots back into you know, a slavery mentality, um and and and even you know this Me Too movement and the feminist movement of the seventies, there was often a missing voice, and that was the voice of women of color. Um. So, I think that this is where right now we're in a sexually revolutionary time, and we don't even realize we're in the middle of history

right now. Fifty years from now, this is what's going to be talked about in the books, that how one of color stood up not only for the ejectification of their bodies, but just the response from other Black men were already torn down by you know, so many different other cultures. And to know that a black man who's supposed to stand next to his black queen and uplift her would sit here and pretty much blame her, was like, look, but society has taught him that. So I would say

to him, Um, do what tax Stone did. Tax Stone invited me on his podcast to help break down what rape culture really was. Now that's a that's an O G thug okay, beloved tax free tax zone. The fact that he even took the time to engage in that type of dialogue, which is speaks volume well, which is

what I believe Taho tried to do. UM. But there's a difference when you really want to listen to somebody and learn from them, And there's a difference from when you want to say things for a shock value, or say things to let me know that you're not really listening, or to invite me onto your platform warm and pretty much degrade me. For the entire two hours. I listened

back and it was just very hurtful to listen to. Um. You guys are in the podcast round the Couple that we have here, and so I'm sure you guys um too key to it and listen. UM. If you guys have any thoughts share, you can share now before we get into introducing y'all. Yeah, let the woman go first.

Thank you. UM. I did listen, and I know me and you spoke kind of briefly about it, and I was just saying that I was I was hurt for you, and you know, I felt like if I was in that situation, I would have been truly frustrated embarrassed in some ways because and that's and that's the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes it's like to feel like you're going on to someplace to help educate and you end up made to feel like you are um like again

the at fault for things that happened to you. And that's the first thing I thought of when the whole correlation between your show and what happened to you was made, was you know how you don't even know if he listened like he he's just a power of He's just a creep who did that to you? And one these

things do not one doesn't get the other. It's just because you speak on sexuality, or you are more sexually open or than um and vocal about it than most people are, that does not therefore warrant somebody treating it that way ever life, and I think all of our listeners, anyone who likes to wear little dresses, any woman who's out here with curves or has a big butt or has you know, I have triple D breasts like your cleavage.

None of this, you know, makes it to where you should expect a certain behavior from someone UM, and it's never I think the bottom line is understanding that people who have experienced sexual harassment or sexual assault it's never their fault. It doesn't matter what you've done. And as somebody, I am an advocate of UM women who have experienced sexual assault, I myself have experienced sexual assault, and it does not matter what the situation is. No means no

and UM at the end. And I think to to that point, we as women, we have to understand I don't give a ship if you as foot naked pussy out, I'm going to do a double backhand spring triple cow sal on the dick in mid air. If you change your mind, you have that fucking right. There you go. And men, we have to get to a point that you understand that your erect dick is not a speeding

fucking bullet train. Hello, and it can stop. And if a woman says no, or a woman isn't saying anything at all, y'all gotta check in, y'all gotta check out. Like at the end of the day, it's about communicating. And I hope to empower women to understand you have the right to say no at any point with any partner, your husband, your lover, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, if you go to a sex kink party, it does not matter. Your body is your body, your voice is your choice,

so please speak. Yeah, you're great, You're great. So again, guys, UM, I'm super excited about this episode. And so this is a very special couple. UM. I guess we can kind of mention how we met. This is one of the couples that we met at the Brilliant Idiots Live show. Um, and if I recall, let you know, I actually met about three or four couples that night, so I want to recall t J listen first Horrible Decisions. So this

is so funny. This is at the end of the Brilliant Idiots Live Show and this couple walks up to me and Danny was like, my husband wants to take a picture with you. He says he listens to your podcast, and t J was like, I love everything you do. I'm gonna get my wife to listen. And shortly after that, I believe he made you a listener. We've been talking ever since. I exchange numbers and I love everything that

you guys do. They actually do have their own podcast as well, Lover's Coral and do you want to explain maybe to our listeners what you guys do, and then I want to talk about how why y'all are so special? Okay, So as far as Lover's Quarrel or everything everything, okay, well you know, um, well I'll start with the podcast. We have a show called Lover's Quarrel. Um. We come out you would say, bi weekly um um, and we basically talk marriage relationships sometimes what's going on in the

world and how that that impacts marriage relationships. We actually had kind of a conversation about the Me Too movement and you know, um, expectations of men and women and when it comes to uh, sexual interactions of any type, and um, we yeah, we just we talk about what goes on in our lives. We kind of, um have a quarrel where we he and I sometimes even though we've been together for a long time, we definitely don't see ada and everything. Um. But that's relationships and and

that's what happens. But uh, with creating a podcast that allowed us to spend time together and kind of learn to learn each other all over again, you know, see each other's points and and build from there. So originally when we had it um. It was called to be determined. We started much better. It makes sense. We rebranded and wanted to have a family, so we had our daughter, so we stopped, and then when we came back, we decided that who was going to change the name and

change the dynamic? You know, at first we were trying to do what everyone was doing, right, no one's talking about pop culture whatever. But it was like, let's let's get back to who we are. Let's talk about our relationship. You know, Um, we've been together, what going okay? Well? Right, she's like I wanted to say that. That's why we

brought this couple on for this specific episode. We talked a lot about non monogamy on this show, and this couple right here has actually only been with each other. They're high schooling, um, And so we actually wanted to do an episode where we can cater to our monogamous viewers because although me and we be out here about that ship, you know what I mean, um, and don't

believe in monogamy. I wanted to definitely cater to our listeners, like, well, bitch, I ain't let my niggafunk know about it, you know, nobody else. So I definitely wanted to get into that. So what we like to do for every show before we kick it off is doing kink of the week. I'd look, she read, oh god, did you bring something? Oh Lord, Michelle, y'all know she's having her little bag, and so I'm gonna go ahead and explain it. So the kink of the week for this week is called sounding.

Do either of you guys know what sounding is? Okay? It makes sense for the man to know what it is. So sounding is also known as cock stuffing. This is

the practice of inserting something into the urethra. I didn't know, honestly, when I read this, I was like, wait, men can stick things inside their peakle Like, yes, it's besides like the little like I was about to call it a pats in here, but like you know, when I go to the doctor, and so the process it usually is done in like um, when people get their urethra, like

if they need something cleared from the urethra. So it's a small metal rod, or it could be a plastic tube that could reach all the way to the bladder and for people grabbing my arm for some people, for some people, um, this can also you can reach the prostate from the front, so you can penetrate what what you would consider to be the unpenetrable. So right, yeah, So it says that also note that it is you need necessary equipment, um, and you can buy kids online.

You can buy them online. It says that you don't need much experience, but basically it's something that you can look at. Our mail in here is just shaking his mother like his head. Um. It says that you don't need to have the full kit or even a full sound to start plugs. Well, let's go back upommend um. I mean, this is definitely a very kink space, right but for me, because you know me, I always got

to bring a bit learning your sampson. Um. What we really need to focus on is the risk, because there are absolutely so so studies have been done to look at the type of people who are into this behavior and what type of sexual risk that they have. So studies have found that people who do who are into this kink tend to have higher risk factors of s t I s UM, including HIV. They tend to have multiple partners, some of which they may or may not know.

They tend to have partners they don't know often times associated with the kink, specifically the type of kink like finding somebody who's going to put a catheter in you or is going to put a rod in you. It tends to be people who are also very kinky. Which now I'm not saying that people in the kink space are at higher risk. However, you have to understand that the more partners you have, the higher your risk is,

even if you're being careful. And with this specific kink, I'm not yeah, not well, honey, we hadn't even got into scat play, so what about blood letting? Okay, not to day, they saying that for another day. But the biggest thing that you're going to kind of put yourself at risk worse urinary tractor sections because if you don't have sterile equipment or you know, let's face it, sometimes your vibrator sleeps under your pillow and you can't just

be sticking rose and your penis that ain't sterile. You're gonna need a lot of loop. And the same for women, right, I know women can with you can those lead to us absolutely, but also I want to be honest, most of the literature looks at men when it comes to this king. However, when it comes to sounding, it can

be done with women. It's just not as popular, right, So I think the idea is really the the idea of like, how like opening your the that hole it's also known as it's spelled m E A t U S medias, that's the little hole, that's what that's called. But when you don't have anyone that's done this, but if you get a Prince Albert, if you know anybody that has a Prince Albert, that is very similar because

the Prince Albert, it's where you pierced the penis. Ah, my friend was that had like it goes inside though it usually goes in the media's and is pierced that way, so it hangs it wouldn't you wouldn't cross sect about the balls that haven't Like she was sucking someone that had piercings, but they were like balls inside his dick. Oh that's different. Yeah, it's like that's a little different. That's not sounding because that's just gonna go under the skin.

The Prince Albert actually goes into the media and you pierce that way. But again, those of you who are into that, super cool. That's I'm all for it for you if you like it. I love it. I a't been a yucky yum. But please be sure you're being safe if you have multiple partners, make sure you're getting tested regularly. Please and understand that if you're not concerned about HIV or S t I S, a urinary tract

infection might be come in your way. Just because that's a urinary tract infection is like back to a lot of men who don't even normally get that. As women, we can get it very easily, and basically it's really awful. You pretty much feel like you have to and it burns and it's like then two drops come out. He's not I would take a yeast infection before that. I take b V because then I just smell fishy. So it's just not problem of vagina diaries. So we're gonna

get finally into our horrible decision. And of course I don't think it's horrible that you're monogamous, but this is just you know the segment of the show. And so for a lot of you that are listening, there's no need for me to break up what monogamy is, um, but I do want to talk about kind of your relationship you guys met in high school. Yes, correct, And you said earlier on the show, you guys have been together for fourteen years. Yes, in years since were like,

you know, decided that we go together. Oh my goodness. So I was kind of talking to Danny about this because I was like, so, have you experienced cheating? And I heard a no. So I'm like, wait, you guys have literally only been because you guys lost each other's virginity to each other, So you have only been with each other for the last fourteen years? Correct? Now to me, A wheezy. I don't mother see how y'all do it. I don't see how it's possible, Like I genuinely and

you know, I started real early. I don't even know the nickname from now, like it's been some other like a time. So I wanted to ask um kind of the dynamic of this relationship and how you feel like you guys have been able to maintain monogamy throughout the fourteen years. Well, for me, I'm gonna say that I have an older brother of older cousins. I kind of seen what they went through. I didn't want that. You don't want it, I didn't want what was it like?

Trying to juggle different women, or just having issues with their significant others so they messed with somebody else. Like it was just those things that I've seen and I was just like, yeah, I don't want to have to deal with that. And then my parents they've been together that's what twenty six years, so I also have that experiencing that. But with Danny, it was always clear that if I was doing I can only do two things that should leave me, and that's cheetah beat And you've

made that clear from the very beginning pretty much. Yeah, I was like, those are my deal breakers. Everything else, I'm like, you know, we could pretty much probably you know, work through address something, but I don't what was your upbringing that you were able to tell him, like, listen, this is what it is, and you know, because I

feel like we talked about this often. It has a lot like I grew up in a single parent household, and I've seen my mom and my dad both have multiple partners growing up, So I feel like maybe that's my mindset that this is normal. But for you to see your parents together and then what was your bringing to make this seem like? So so my parents, um, my parents were married for twenty two something years before they got divorced and then so like they didn't separate

until I was in college. But um, I come from a family full of women who are strong, opinionated, intelligent, beautiful, all these things, and so it was never about taking it from a man ever. And like I have an older sister as well, and you know, um, and my sister's father and my mom didn't work out, and you know, and my mom was a single mother with my sister

for up until my dad came along. And you know, my mom definitely still had that mentality of like, you know, you just you don't take shipped from anybody and you don't tolerate disrespect or anything of the sort. So and I was honestly like I was encouraged to like like not less like like the have a kind of have like the kink and that kink shame me either, But just like they definitely encouraged me to like date, to get out there because you go through your whole face, yes,

to go thy much. Yes, Because I saw him all the time, I'm like, you took all my thought in years. I was like, so we're here, We're in the stiff forever I was like, you took my best years and um, I know, but still, like you know, I would talking about you. You can have a thought phase at anytime your life. You're right, yere, absolutely right. The fact that goes to that my whole like the dicidal norms that kind of always have been were impressed the poem in

Palm Me. So basically though I um, oh god, I'm losing my train of thought. But basically I come from a family. But they encouraged me to date. I met him, and you know, he was so different, Like I didn't expect to date a guy who was like so very

sure about how he felt about me. I was like like I was like, oh, it's my first little boyfriend whatever, you know, get my little feet wet and in the date in pool and he was like you're it, like I'm good, and I was, And I mean there were times where like it made me scared, Like I was like, sir, you were very like we're seventeen, Like what are you talking about? And but I kind of was just like you know what, I'm gonna ride this thing to the wheels fall off and see what happens. And like they

just haven't fallen off. Now for both of you, have you guys, have either of you reached a point where maybe you wanted to see what else was out there? And if you guys did, kind of how did you guys bring it back to this is who I want to be with. I wouldn't say that I wanted to see now, see with having the older brother and the cousins get to hit the story, right, so you know I can, You know I can so. But but for me, um, one thing as I got older and you know, when

we got married, such we can other married people. One thing is to always say is like, could you imagine somebody else pleasuring pleasuring your significant other? Right? We talked about pleasure. I'm better than you can and they said if you can't, then there's no reason to like leave or cheat or anything like that. So that's one of the things that kind of stuck with me. I think also too, we might be non monogamous, or that's what you and Wheezy might subscribe to. You know, I don't

even who knows I think that. For me, yeah, I study human sexual behavior, right, but sometimes that doesn't involve touching or set or set penis vagina penetration, sex at all, you know sex And I've said this a billion times, I'll say it again. Well, from the womb to the money,

sex is gonna be a part of your life. But as we age and as we go through different spaces in our life, that looks very different, and that looks and we look for more and just yes, it becomes different and you become turned on and you become intimately satisfied in very different ways. So I think this is I think it's so Honestly, I was on another radio show and a guy just called in and he's like, I'm getting married in a month and my wife and I are virgins. And then you called me that day

and I want you to come on with these people. Yeah, and it was like perfect, It's it's also something. So

I also wanted to talk about. UM. Me and Danny had a conversation when I was talking about my my surgery and you sent me a picture from my wedding day, from her wedding day, and since the wedding day, Um, she's put on weight as most women do with kids, with stress, with life, with age, with love, with love, and so um, just us, we we both talked about just our body image and We've gotten a lot of a lot of letters from men and women about shifting

with their body image and pleasing their partner or not feeling as confident in the bedroom. Was that something that you were able to notice and if so, how did you guys talk through this? Um? When it came to you know, just change Well, I'll say this so that he can has to go ahead to say it's part.

I definitely had, like I would have like confidence issues like as like you know, put on the weight and you know, not feeling at um, not wanting to be intimate as often because I have my own insecurities and I don't like how things look on me. And then you know, consequently he would end up kind of missing out because of it. So I'll you know, I'll let you go from there. It didn't matter. Like I've always told that, you know, I'm gonna love you at your

big gets, at your smallest. It's just with her, so you know, I mean you go through that. UM. I think watching her pregnant definitely changed my mind looking at all women and because seeing her body go through what it what it went through, seeing her sacrifice that it made me just say, like you know what, oh you know there's other women out here. You know, we grew up in society that everyone's supposed to be a certain way,

supposed to look a certain way, act a certain way. Um. They're supposed to be like the most beautifulest with the smallest body, and that's not how it really is. Um. But seeing that, it was just like why, Like women can do it all, Like they can literally do it all. And and for me, the fact that she sacrificed her body to make me a father, it was just like, how whack of it would it be of me to be like, I'm not attracted to you no more because

you gain weight, Like, you know, you gain weight. You know, we'll get through it together at the end of the day. But seeing that sacrifice made me made me realize that it was bigger things than the body. So, I mean, she's still who she is. Come over here with the moji face coming out. So I am constantly on Twitter, I'm constantly on social media, and I read a lot. It seems like people think of monogamy as a relationship where you kind of fight to know that that's who

loves you more than actually enjoying the relationship. And I say that to say there's a lot of people. Um, and there was actually just a female who wrote us about snooping and looking for things to make it look Look, everybody in the room roll their eyes. But I think it's a huge thing because when you're in a monogamous relationship, you're not cheating. You're not supposed to be having other partners. You're not you're not supposed to be doing all of

these things. And yet, because we grow up in this society where we do, where people are cheating, people are having babies on each other, a lot of women feel the need to snoop to try to find their man and doing something wrong. Um, I guess I would like for you to share with our listeners how you keep from doing that or if you have what went through your mind. Look t J, like, I want to know if you if you ever done that? You know what?

I haven't? Like I really, I mean, and do you have you had friends that have That's why when I made that, that's because I've got plenty of friends who went through the Nika's phone and right and then you know I get the text mess just like Danny, Oh my god, and I was like, you know when you go looking for something, you find it, you tend to find it. And um, you've been with him for fourteen years and you've never snooped like look at through his like no passwords? Are you a good one? Like we

talked about it. For us, yes, and for me and for me specific. I think that the reason why this works and the reason why this came to be is because I think, in my heart of hearts, I've just never been one for the games and never been one for the stress. I'm not a person who likes to argue. I'm not a person who likes to be wrapped up in drama. I don't thrive on it. So for whatever reason, whoever you believe in, brought me and him together and have us still together, it must be because that's what

I needed. And as far as snooping, I have no reason to snoop because he doesn't give me one. He didn't. There wasn't there's never been anything that unless he's the best at at at hiding something, which but there's there's never been a reason. And so he wears his heart on his sleep, he tells everything, but he's a bad liar. Basically, there's there's just never been a reason for me to even think to be like, like, what's he doing? And

and then go from there. I think that's also probably a reason why you guys have been able to stay together for so long. UM. I feel like when when people get into relationships and they're looking for the bad things, or they're stooping through the phone, the emails, you're searching for something. So it's like, how happy are you? What? What do you need from this partner to prove that he loves you? Hold on you? You look like you ready got something to say, she got something for ahead.

What you gotta say about the snooping topic? Okay, I have a couple of things to say, So first and foremost, UM, if you feel like you have to snoop, it's time for you to get out of that relationship. That's one UM two snooping and things like that. That is the basis and start of unhealthy UM relationship, not not not trusting. And I think that you have to reevaluate people that snoop.

I had a friend for a long time always got in relationships that was drama films and even myself I have had to recently do some reflection on my experiences in relationship and how abusive some of the relationships I've been in, and maybe they didn't come with physical abuse, but it came with emotional abuse and things like snooping is rooted in that kind of control and jealousy, all of which would be on a power and control wheels telling you your relationship is shitty or that weight not

not shitty, but probably not the healthiest. So I always say, first, relationship starts with self, and you have to evaluate that, and you also need to look at the history of your relationships. I'm sitting with two people who had experience with long term relationships and they they saw people role modeling the behavior to get to a successful relationship. And then, because you know I, I although I am a woman

of all things Um Corinthians thirteen four through eight. Love is patient, Love is kind, Love does not envy, Love does not boast. Love is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking, It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trust, always hope, and always preserves. So how in the world you're gonna tell somebody you love them, and they go through their cell phone like that to me

doesn't make sense. And then I think we have to ask ourselves, well, hold on, boot Ski, how much do you love yourself if you got a snoop on your partner? And not mean that for both men and women. I've never been a snooper and the one time I was one time, and then again I was like, oh Lord, don't let him snoop on me. So I mean, I'm not sitting here and saying right in the end, dollar

be all. But what you guys have, like we're looking at and we and we always and we get that and and we I always I appreciate it, but I always I always try to impress upon people. It's like, don't like ever put us on not to say, to y'all are, but don't like people have tried to put us on a pedestal about what we are, what they like, Oh that's so great. I wish I could have that. And we always like next like we've gone through it.

We've had we talked to some cross rooms before and we were dating about how we want to proceed with each other. It's been tough. We've said hurtful, horrible things to each other, you know, but we've come back to it and it's just like and I think you know nowadays, yeah, we might be more like the exception than the rule, but that's just this is just our I was gonna say, I love this because if you asked me all niggas sheet, I know, but you're sitting here telling me you haven't.

You're sitting here telling me that you don't snoop. And a lot of men would assume all women are stupers. And so for me to sit here and see that monogamy does work in two thousand and eighteen, this is something to where you know, as as I said, we talked about so many non monogamous relationships, polyamory, um, open relationships, swinging, and we discussed so many of this. We we just had a person come on here, UM who tie on me.

She talks about free love and and she literally you know, went into saying um, and her partner said that there's no love above any other love, that we can love all the same. And to me, you guys, when in front of the Lord went in front of someone and about to be together, UM, and so clearly this this bond right here, and the love that you guys have for each other are different than the love that y'all

may have for a friends at home girl. You know, Danny was different Um in the sense that she allowed me to be myself. I never had to change who I was. I never had to worry about it. It was never like I had to say, I'm lying to go out with chill my friends because she didn't like my friends. She knew who my friends were, and she knew that my friends, some of them were were dogs. But she trusted me. You know, I'm allowed to go

to the strip club with her without her. So the fact that she trust me, Like I went to Toronto for UM and she had no issues and everybody was just like, how did you pull that off? And it's just like, this is our relationship like so many people have. Yeah, I encourage go, said you can burn the streets which out the happy waiting for you. Sorry I had so I think it's I think what you're saying is so right, And I think when people do get into these relationships,

it's a your mind. You can only do what I want you to do. Don't do this, don't do that, red flag run and the one thing that I did like um about what Taomi mentioned was feeling the possessiveness when you commit to you're looking at me cray, I did because I don't. I don't think that if you're gonna get into a relationship with someone you should feel like they're your property. But the idea of saying when

you're in monogamous relationship possessiveness sounds crazy. I am a person and I feel like both of you with the either if you cheat or beat you out the door. For me, I'm the type of person. Honey, you are a beautiful bird in my life, and the cage door is always open. This is a bird cage of love, and when you don't feel that love, please fly free. Like that maybe why I'm single. You know, I got

some repairs to do on the cage. But still I think, like it's true, like possessiveness and relationships red flag for an abusive relationship. I honestly think that we have been indoctrinated to believe that we're in healthy relationships when really we're in abusive relationships. Our society has truly normalized that we attached jealousy, abuse, um, all of these things to love it, and it's like, it's crazy because love should

not mean he beating your ass. Love should not mean you know that girl, Oh my god, he's talking to me. Those those things shouldn't be associated with. But that's my friend that I was started this whole thing with Jesus. She said, girl, if there ain't no drama, it ain't no love. I was like, what you And she always

has some drama. And what's super crazy about it is that her last relationship before the one that she's in now escalated to a point where she most she kind of arrested because he violated he had been beating her, violated a restraining order, and he showed up somewhere and she had a pistol and she shot at him, missed him, and the judge lead it clear because he was like he was a very large man. And I don't want to give out any other details because it would tell

the story. But her she honestly felt like her life was in danger and it was so they charges were dropped on her. But still to have to feel like that's insane, Yes, And she had scared the person you love. You should never be in fear of the person you love, and you should never feel like, you know, like drama, hard times, good times happened, but it should not be the basis of your relationship. Something else that that you

said that really really resonated with me. Um you said that you could be yourself and I and to me, that's the number one thing, even when I'm around somebody who you know may or may not become my boyfriend, knowing that I can genuinely be myself. I was listening to the read and they had um uh, quite a listener letter that came on. Apparently the girl had been a prostitute years before she got her sex. That was her legit, that was that was her term she was.

She was a sex worker prior to getting into this relationship. And I believe they were about to get married. She was about to she was about to marry somebody. She kind of like put a bug in his here, like I have something to tell you, and now he's pressing her and I want to get Now She's just like is this something that I should tell him? Because is

this something that he'll leave me for? And So when you sat here and said I could just be myself, I feel like anybody who you want to engage with or want to fulfill a relationship or love and and be with someone for a long term. I think it's important that they know who you are and what you've done and the growth that you've been through and how you want to continue growth. What is your thought on I'm going to tell you right now, I don't know

how long they've done been together. Didn't say in the letter five years whatever, And the context of it was that she was in an abusive relationship and her it was a pump. He pimped her out. He was abusing her and forcing her to for money, to have sex, for money, to um to fulfill her fault. Totally not her fault. However, I'm gonna say this, I'm honey, that's not a bomb. You dropped five years after being with somebody,

and I'm not I'm not sleat shaming. I'm not victim blaming because I've brokenhearted for the predicament that she is in and to that. It is my hope that she has gone through some counseling because the layers of what that is. I love you the read, but let's face it, she needs professionals, and it would like, I don't know what's going to happen with her story, but it would break my heart if he left her. However, and that's

what they encouraged. They said, like, if you haven't already gotten help or on your own, they were like, you should, and then like or if your fiance obviously has to grapple with this bomb being dropped, that they can seek counseling together as we work through it. So it's they need both because I think it's important for a lot of men to know. Um, of course there's a lot of slut shaming going on the whole fucking conversation about body count. Um, it's terrible, and that's what we're saying

with the society and what they bring. I think it's important for for men to start looking at women as as human beings and not objects or or ruined things because they've had past damaged good. As you get older, and mind you, I do want to talk about because you keep saying older, I was like, you, who bad a couple that's in their sixties? Like you guys are

our listeners ideas though have have changed. I've been one who you know, you and your friends talk and she has bodies you don't you don't you don't wipe her because she has bodies. But as I'm older, I'm like, people go through things. I don't know what she went through in her life that she had a whole bunch of bodies. But if I like her and this is what I want to be with and I'm gonna be with, like, I don't care about that, but society tells us we're not.

So it's crazy because as women were not supposed to care how many women most of the don't. We don't at all with a thousand women, literally eight thousand women before being with me. As long as he's clean and he ain't got the fatty walk type of baby mamas, I you know, I'm cold. We were talking about that

the other day. How like the society difference is like women are allowed to not allow to but women more are more accepting, whereas gentleman gentleman, whereas men are more like nah, like we're looking for things so that society can say it's okay, Like we're looking for society to be like, yeah, this is okay for us to date

this person on like this person. You know, I have so many friends who've said they wouldn't mass for someone with a child And my thing is, you know why, I just I personally just wish men would start thinking about their dicks in the sense of a car. If your dick was a Bugatti, would you not even a mileedge? But if yo dick was a Bugatti, would you park it in every parking garage? Would you pull up to every valet? If it was a Jakie as ballet, they ain't got on no uniforms, but they got on orange.

Would you let that motherfucker drive yo Bugatti? Probably not? And I think that if men started like men start respecting yr dick, there you go like yo dick. So that also starts back from childhood. They want men are the men when they sleep with as many women in and they bagged this shorty and do this as far as women we are taught to protect. Yeah, but that's why we're in a sexual revolution. And I think that goes back to women I was saying earlier. You know,

it starts at the home. I feels like my mother, My mother taught me about sex. We had that conversation and you know, me and my father didn't talk about it. But my father also would have never condoned me having a whole bunch of women or anything like that. So

that was my upbringing. I can't say that for anybody else, but it definitely starts at home, right, I definitely think about I mean, one of the first things that my sister, you know, when I first started dating him, and because she was trying to prepare me for what was or maybe could have been likely as far as when you're dating, when you're teenager with boys cheating, you know, you know, she she told me she was like, look, she was like for some boy, she was like, pussies, pussies, pussy

is pussy, So don't you know, just she was trying to prepare me for what she thought could be the case. And so and I think that kind of lends to what you said, which is that you know, you guys are because the body count stigma isn't associated with them. They can't they have this like go ahead to run through. However, many women, no matter how you know, questionable kuchi might be uh and s shoudably experience with yes, so um.

But whereas like women are, like you said, taught to like you have to protect you have to you know. And and so that's why like these things are taught to people who are younger, and I mean, and I took that. I took heat to it absolutely because that the only I had no experience. So the only thing I could do was go off of what everyone else was telling me. And so I did prepare myself for that. It wasn't my own personal experience, but it absolutely has

been the experience of so many people. I'm friends with that and my people and my family things like that. So now we may have listeners who have been in similar relationships like you. I have a question as to how do you guys keep it spicy? How do you guys keep the love intimate? How do you guys keep it to where it's exciting? Do you guys have any secrets to that? You know, full transparency? I think it kind of like it ebbs and flows, okay, true, because

we have our you know, are we? I mean obviously listen, I'm I'm human. I have needs and feelings and so does he. So if it didn't feel good and we would be really really bad, like you know, if that part wasn't you know, you know, because that was you know, back before we got married, and you know, people would ask me like, are you okay with having the same

dick the rest of your life. And I was like, yeah, I'm fine, and I'm like, you know, like nobody else and I was like, I was like, I can't miss what I don't know, you know, and that's and that's

my experience. So that's saying that to say, um, we keep it as spicy as we can, but yeah, we got we have moments, you know, periods aware I can't keep our hands off each other, and then we have periods where it's like good night, and then you know, we roll over and you know, and then especially now you add in parenthood, it's been ten months of that beautiful little girl. But we'd be lying if you say like, oh, we're getting it in. You know, once those six weeks

we're up, we were back at it. But it's it is, you know, for me, I've always and this has sometimes been a point of contention for us, but you know, for me, it's kind of like I think I accept that it ebbs and flows a little bit more than maybe you do sometimes. But he also is right, like, you know, we still want to be he still wants to and you can correct me if I'm wrong. Like you, you you just want to feel close to me like you want to and so I have to understand that too. Um,

So I mean that's my take on it. Yeah, I mean I would agree with that. I think it's more you know, since having our daughter, it's definitely been different. So I understand her being tired. But sometimes you can still say, Babe, I got you, I got you. You know what. It's been a while, but I got you. But that's the growing thing, you know, And that's how we're able to to work. Some days sometimes it's we're going crazy. Sometimes it's not as crazy, but we're working

on it. We are able to have that communication and to be able to keep it going, you know. And and we're okay with you know. I mean we look up stuff and read stuff and you know, just different things like that. So I think listening to this podcast it kind of makes you a little bits. So that's good. That's what we hope to do. I want to know, Um, do do different things turn you on now that then turns you on fourteen years ago? Yeah? Like you know, I'll give you an example, like I I once dated

someone sex with me. I like, you know, when I would come home from a long day and there was like, oh, five pound bag of Totino's pizza rolls in the freezer. I got a little my pain. He's got a little wit, Like I told that person to order new pillows and then I see a box of pillows. Oh ship, that's and that's like the talk about like the love language things. So like for me, you know, when I was seventeen, it was just the fact that like this is like new and shiny head back. It was just like I

need a little bit moting head. So that was so like the for me, it was having sex period was like the turn on. And you know, we were we were young, and like I wasn't you know, supposed to be over his house. So it's kind of like that sneaky thing you know sometimes like trying to hurry up and do it and then you know, go home, it's homework.

And then now it is like you like with the love languages from He's like, oh he put the dishes in the dishwasher, Oh girl, Like, oh my goodness, he put he gave a baby a bath, god like like. And it's it's those little things for me that when you do things to make my life easier, it shows me it's beyond just the dishes. It's beyond just given the baby about. It's showing me that you see, I have a lot going on. You care to take things

off my plate. That shows you care enough about me to make um time out of your day to do something for me, even if it's and it could be the smallest things, but they so like, yeah, those things, you know make me more excited because it's just like I feel cared for and so therefore I would like

to show I care for him. Look, he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm having all the feelings I were trying to bring the boyfriend like when you get into that hopefully, like when you get that, when that day comes in and we have a resource, you can Yes, she is, and I'm older than all y'all. It's crazy because I wish that we had more time UM. And I wanted to let you guys know that Danny has actually been somebody that I've spoken to off this UM show. She'd be

checking me, y'all. Y'all might think that I'd just be on here reckless. So I've openly discussed having relations with married men UM and this is something that Danny hit my line, like listen, girl, you know I love you, but um, I need to understand where your mind is. And she literally sat there and talked to me as a wife and was like I couldn't imagine. I mean,

she was funny. She was like, I hope t J never make that much money to where I feel like he's paying a bit, but you can't be sugar Daddy's dad, sugar daddy status for nobody. Um. But we had this open dialogue to where she literally, I don't know, do you remember any of the questions that you asked me? I remember asking. I remember being like, well, how do you know that they're telling because I know you said that you operate under you take their word for it.

Basically it's what I got rosette. They say like, oh, my wife's cool with it, and so this is why you know we can proceed. And you're like sure, And my question was like, well, how do you know for sure? Like even a year, do you have every intention of not bring any drama to his doorstep? What guarantees you

that they're not gonna bring? And and and then somebody's gonna be knocking on your door or in your phone and your mentions and then you know, and I see how could be maybe my wife had on I just saw how many ways it could be problematic, and you know, so we had the conversation and I told her, I mean, I know that I've been attacked as far as well karma this and karma that, and you shouldn't do this

and you shouldn't look for that. Um. And I literally sat here and told um, Danny, I was like, I mean, to me, that's kind of on the husband, UM. And it's wrong for me, yes, I mean, and I could sit here and say morally wrong in the sense of monogamy and what we're taught in our culture in society today. However, I also have penned it to me having dealt with Africans and them having being able to have a plethora of wives and all the wives knowing and the girlfriends

knowing about each other the same. They in different religions and in different parts of the world which I've been able to travel, this is something that is normal. So it's like, is my karma coming to me because I

live in America? Is it coming to me because and I don't conform to a religion, so I you know, I do believe in a higher power in God, but the Christian values I don't follow, UM, And so when I was talking to you about this, I kind of said these things like, you know, and I would love Michelle is over there, you know, and I don't want to sit here. And because I loved everything that Danny brought to me, like well, this could hurt the wife,

I know I would feel this way. And I just appreciated you being there to have that open dialogue with me, because I know that some of the things that I do say can be hurtful or have people, you know, raising the eyebrow like what the fund is this whole ways bitch talking about like she really believes her nonsense and I do, UM, And so I appreciate you hitting me and UM, I don't know, did you have anything to say about that? Well, I I think I it in a space where I've been on both sides of

the fence. I had. Yeah, I was in a domestic partnership as close to marriage as you can get. And I was in the person UM cheated on me with a trans sex worker. UM. And then in addition to that, UM, I have had situations where I was UM a mistress to a married man and you know, the betrayal. I get the the questions of safety, like you stepping out on me and do what and how do I know you're being safe? And now you can So that all

went through my head. Um. And then on top of that, um, you know, the married man was very unhappy and um it got to a point where they were calling me a crazy times. So to go to like I was like, yo, you can't kill yourself. You have two kids, and if I have to, I will call your wife and tell her that you need help. And so that was oftentimes when those situations arise. And and whether now men who have open relationships and polyamory, that's different. I'm gonna need

to double back the signature. But like it's so that's another thing that I said. There's a lot of um different Um, I guess I don't want to say relationshi, Well I guess yeah, there's a lot of different type of relationships and agreements that people have when they go into a bond um. And so I do feel like it's not my responsibility to find out what bond these

two people have. And I, like I said, I just want to appreciate again you for opening that up to me and really realizing that listen, this nigga could be lying and maybe I could hurt somebody or could potentially tear apart a happy home and it's not my intention ever, but again it's it's kind of just like I like to be as open as possible, um, and I expect the man to as well. And I think that the

man vowed to the woman to to hold that together. Yeah, I think for me, my concern would be, you know, Mandy, you getting hurt, And that's what I said to her. I was like, you know, I what my concern would be. Then it's just again like it's just like if somebody like rolls up on you because you know you. Sometimes it's like I think no matters sometimes like due diligence, like you know you're it's not your responsibility because you

didn't make the vows. But I worry because i'm because if there's one thing, of course, if you meet somebody he's single when he lies about being married, and there's another thing if he's saying I'm married, but she's okay with it, But then what proof do you have? And then I don't think. I don't I don't know, and I don't have the expectation of them leaving. But that's

what I'm saying. I think each is different, UM, and I do just want the listeners to know that when I meet women, UM that have different mindsets or aren't playing the mistress. Because I have such a wide range of friends, Danny was able to open up that conversation to me and that dialogue and we were able to

care where each of us came from. And so I want the listeners to know that I'm not up here spewing, ignorant and not listening because I definitely through this journey and through this podcast, I want us to continue learning and continue to bring these dialogues to people that aren't me or Wheezy or me and Michelle or Danny and t J and everyone who's listening to talk about this

with your friends, with your partners. UM. I want to thank all of you guys for coming on today giving UM Where can they hear more from you guys again? Do you want to drop you got a kid? So lovers Quarrel? You can um as our podcast. You can find us on iTunes, pop beans. Did you're anywhere that you can listen to a podcast? UM? We're on Instagram as Lovers Quarrel Show. We'll be posting the information and you can follow us at Lover's Quarrel seven on Twitter.

TJ is better with better with Twitter than you know. You'll see a lot of things from him. Oh yeah, we started doing that. Sometimes I don't w sometimes I don't agree with what he puts at fine of course, of course. The then Michelle, you got what you got going on that these people need to Okay. February nineteenth, we know Thattline ball Room, Highline ball Room here in New York. Uh February is the book dropped, So go

pre ordered Girl's Guide to Sex Education. March ten, if you are in the d C metro area, we're doing a live podcast, mind over Matter, Thank you so much. We're partnering together up for UM Women's UM Women's History Month, and guess what we're doing. We're talking about sex. We talking about sexuality, but we also do an HIV testing. So you want to come out, you want to get yes DC UM know your status all be um like posting that and then um, I got some other things

coming up. But again again, if y'all love Michelle like we do, y'all can follow her everywhere at MH Sexpert. Also, you guys can follow us on Instagram, um, Twitter, at Horrible Underscore Decisions and at Horrible pod. Also this is your girl, Mandy B. Follow me at full Core Pumps everywhere. Thanks again to all of our patrons, and I do also want to give a huge shout out if you guys are listening, love the audio. If you guys like the video, we've been recording at Gotham Podcast Studio um

here on Church Street in New York City. So if you guys are looking to start a podcast as well, UM, they're very very very affordable, y'all know me MEO, we ain't got them coins like that, um, but they're very affordable. Check them out. We'll be putting their information as well in the description. So thank you guys. This has been yet another episode of Horrible Decisions by