Ep. 422: Luck of Dating (Ft. Les Alfred)

Welcome to Decisions Decisions. I don't think you should say decision decisions. It sounded like you was talking to Kirsty. You definitely say to welcome, Welcome to the new podcast. Oh wait, you want to say together Decisions Decisions.

Welcome guys to another episode of Decisions Decisions. I'm your girl, You're taking girl, your lover, girl, Mandy B.

I'm weezy. I used to be the Pisces on this show, but it's transferred. Definitely not a pissis libergang All day? Girl?

You love a girl And if you haven't yet, make sure you pre order your copy of No Holds Barred, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power, available now for pre order, releasing June twenty fourth. Help you girls become New York Times best self.

Please.

We are so desperate, but hopefully we get lucky. Like our new Rebrandy Girl on the Couch. We're here with Les Alfred, who is previously the host of Balance Black Girl. And the story I wanted to tell was balance like a Libra scale.

It was I started Balanced Black Girl during Libra season, not even realizing that like I started it, you better know what I'm a leoh.

Okay, okay, just let me be very clear, Hey, Star the Moons, We're not going to start hate it.

No.

So I went on Balanced Black Girl, and I was telling LEZ that when I would see the name Balanced Black Girl podcast, I had no idea that or no, because you're balanced balance left Yes, So I thought it was about a balanced lesbian and how lesbian was balancing their Lifeans need balance too.

I really thought that was so.

Then I was seeing clips, I'm like, really give gay and then I kept dad.

I swear to got it's kind.

If someone wants to start the balance lesbian show or platform, they should.

You need to bring to lesbians on this fighting and balance. Oh wait, sorry, don't do it no more.

So I'm not balancing you no more that I'm done telling y'all a journal. You either gonna listen or you're not.

I can't. I ran out of ways to say it. I've got said it as many ways as I could think of.

What's crazy ist?

I feel like we probably haven't collabed because the two brands didn't necessarily match so well at the first, you.

Know what I mean?

What's funny though?

The episode where you came on the show a lot of the comments are like, this was a crossover I didn't expect, but I liked it, and I'm like, y'all other guys are like needed, yeah, but why not.

Why did the rebrand? Because to me, we rebranded because we had to. But your rebrand, your brand has always been clean and this and that, so like, tell me about that. Because our rebrand was for a purpose of like, we need to sell them.

Look, yeah, I mean part of it was.

I wanted a brand that had more room to grow, and I did feel like I had plateaued in terms of the people that I could reach. I love centering and catering to black women and having a platform that is explicitly named that there's only so many of us, and there's also only so many that are going to be interested in what I'm talking about. And so after so many years, I reached a point where it was like, this is it's hitting a limit and I'm just not able to really get past it.

So that was one two. I don't really feel.

As compelled to talk about wellness anymore, which was pretty apparent in the show because it hadn't really been a wellness podcast in a while. That was how it started, I thought it was right and it I hadn't really talked about wellness probably for about two years now. It hasn't really been a wellness show, and so it felt like that didn't really make sense. And then the episodes that were really hitting, both for me and for the

And that's where She So Lucky came from.

Which is crazy because what you just went viral recently for sitting with Gabrielle Union though, right, yeah, and.

I was trying to rush over here. That wasn't I assume that wasn't about.

I love that you got her to talk again about the fifty to fifty conversation that at this point is the fucking gift that keeps giving between her and Dwayne Wade, because that's all they both talk about whenever they sit down.

But that's gotten viral though.

You praise that question really well because that is all they talk about.

I didn't even really ask about it.

I mean, we were talking about vulnerability and she brought that up as an example. I asked her about, Okay, are you getting better at asking for help?

And like, how is that looking for you?

Because we had talked about just previously how she never really would ask for help and was very hyper independent.

So I asked, Okay, what is your.

Relationship to vulnerability, like now, what is asking for help for you?

Like now?

And that was what she mentioned. So I didn't even I didn't ask well.

I like that. It trickled into.

A clip from Dwayne Wade and it's it's funny because we sometimes don't realize how our trauma shows up, especially in new relationships. And he was on the Shannon Sharp Show and it came back and he pretty much said they had gotten into whatever tit and he was like, this is my house, and I guess because of previous relationships, that's where it first started. She was like, oh, nah, You're never going to be able to say this is

And now you feel like that's the lane.

I just feel like it's expanding the topics that I can talk about because I'm really interested in understanding how successful women do things, Like that's what I love talking about. I love talking to men who are doing cool shit and understanding how they do it.

And that was what I really wanted to go all in on.

You're a good listener too, because like I normally want to do podcasts, they're so fun and loud and comedic. And at one point I said to Les, I feel like I'm talking a lot, and I'm like, oh, this.

Is really how you get the money? You just shut up in little guests. We don't we haven't learned that.

We don't try to dance, but you know, if it's gorgeous, because I think a lot of people it's it's hard to introduce a guest that someone's gonna care about, but you make them interesting somehow, you know what I mean.

That's such a nice compliment because it's tough.

Like if we have a guest on someone's like, well, why what sex thing?

Are they gonna say?

Like they're pressuring it right, And I think you have to make the audience care about your guests. I think you do a really good job at it. That's something that a lot of podcasts don't do. I have a lot of podcasts I listen to back in the day that I was like, if they have a guest, I won't click on it either, but you know, finding the art of that. I'm really looking forward to seeing what guests do you have? Who are your dream hmmm.

Dream guess Okay, I would love to interview Asa Ray. She's been like my dream guests from the beginning because I think that she has such a unique blend of creative talents and business savvy.

The coffee shops alone have you heard about it.

Yeah, Oh, I used to go all the time when I lived in LA. I just want to lift up the hood and understand how she does things, Like I want to radio.

She has a whole empire.

Up, has a big business tip because like the fact that she even got married and people were like, you had a man.

Right, you know, and we haven't seen him since. I love it and haven't I'm working on it. Yeah, Issa, you know what, I would really love to interview. This is kind of a reach because I don't think she really does this, but Megan Sussex, I almost said Markle really, yes, because I am so curious how she operates and manages to keep her head on straight with how much hate she gets.

But she's they separated now too, that's what Harry. The last I heard they separated. I think it was a Twitter rumor.

No, I don't, that's not true.

Literally our day was separated Twitter rumor. I thought this was true.

I still want to understand how she gets.

Through today because she talked to that white girl and wasn't it not so skinny of the fat don't have a dialogue recently means that I saw and I'm like, oh, she should definitely go to you.

I if she ever wants to throw way out of more.

The African American flag, I would love to.

I would love to you.

Well, she has a podcast coming out too, so I feel like maybe she'll be more open to it.

One week ago, Prince Harry urged to keep professional separation from Megan Markle after ill Advi's move why they Can Never get divorced? Two days ago, confirm major updates on Megan Markle and Prince Harry's divorced like make there's there's a This was all within the last two to three weeks.

Professional separation.

I don't know what that means, but yeah, that sounds like interesting what we would do.

I think it means like if she if they have professional projects, they need to stay out of each other's projects, which.

I don't know.

Oh, let's talk about that a little. Yeah.

So I was recently on a vacation sitting next to a couple that became like tech millionaires, and I watched this movie called fair Play.

Don't know if anyone's seen it, but I've.

Heard of the book. There's like a book that goes with it, right, I don't know you.

Saw it or maybe I'm thinking, if I've never heard of the air, okay, so let me tak about it.

Like division of labor, no, no, no, household okay. Different.

So sitting next to this.

Couple and I met at work and they started this big company and now she's a housewife, I'm like, oh shit, did you just have a baby?

What made you stop working?

And she's like, well, we couldn't keep working together, right, but they built this company ten years. She's like, we had to save ourselves. Then I watched this movie called fair Play. Great movie on Netflix, check it out. It's about a couple that both work at a company. She gets promoted before him, she becomes his boss. They're in stocks and trading. She's got a delegate task, and it's a constant rift of him feeling like, you're you're beautiful,

I did see this, you did? I did see that?

He was like, this is the moment where they should have separated at work, and I agree because she even said, hey, you go look for another job.

I'll hold it down. He was so insecure white people. I remember.

Do you think there's ever way for couples to work together and it works.

I think for most couples it would probably be really hard. There's always probably going to be a unicorn couple that can make it work, but I think for most people it's probably really hard, and not.

That unicorn guys.

Yea, because people, Yeah, I don't think I'm that I'm on the wrong show.

Yeah no, no, But like I think for most people, it's probably healthier to have a little bit more separation and you have your own identity in that own way.

I asked Adam twenty two and Len of the plug. I don't know if you know who they are there people but am podcasters, but they really make a lot of money creating content together and building a huge brand and whatever. So I asked them, how do you guys make money together? And never like, how do you keep

Or trying to think none that come to mind.

Actually no, I mean there are some people who I can think of, just entrepreneurs that I look up to, like Emma Greed, who I know her and her husband work really closely together. She's the one who is like co founds Skims and like Good American and all of those brands. And I know like her husband is also deeply involved in those business relationships and they seem to make it work. I haven't interviewed her yet, but I

To ever like create business with a friend or partner, specifically a partner.

I like the separation together, but I.

Do think investing in your money together might bleed in at some point because when you think of a couple that are thinking, hey, what's next for our financial future, something's going to tie together at some point, like what are we going to put our money into a house?

Is in an investment together?

Things like that, And so it makes me think like how do you make sure not to?

But yeah, I don't know.

I think make your own investments.

That really too, like to me, being like all of even the recent divorces like and breakups and things that like splitting of assets and what all that entails. I think that doing that is literally going into business with a partner. And again y'all go hate because everything don't last we have, But it's just like a, well, maybe we should invest in our own separate things. So what's mine is mine, what's yours and yours and you keep it that way outside of the relationship.

I want to pring up with a copat well.

Yeah, or it's like there's there's yours, there's mine, and there's hours so that like, yes, we can build something together, but if we do need to split, neither of us is left high and dry.

And I think that's okay.

Are you in a relationship, I'm not Do you want to be married? I think so, you think so.

But I'm not super pressed about it.

I'm not right, girl, Okay, why what are your reasons?

I think if I, if I've found the right partner and we allied and have the same values and want to create a life together, I would love to get married.

But I've never been someone who felt like.

Oh, I can't wait to be a wife, or I can't wait to get married, or like I gotta gotta get married soon, or feel bad about being a certain age.

Do you want kids?

I don't think so.

I think I love that.

Yeah, it's so crazy because I just have a conversation on selective ignorance about reimagining the American dream. And what's crazy is for so many of us, it is you know, you finish school, you go to college, you find your husband, you get your kids, you get your white you get.

Your big house with the white pick of fence and the dog.

And where we're at now, specifically as millennials, and because of the economy and just where we have so much more autonomy, not really with abortions and stuff, because the government fucking is raggedy but where we're able to create our own businesses, become c suite execs, and all these things, those ideals for so many women are are not like are what we envisioned for Our American dream looks so much different now and it doesn't often include a man or kids, And.

I love that.

I love that we're able to like even hold space to have these conversations to let like other women know that they're not alone, they're not weird. And also like in my case, I have a lot of friends who are battling with infertility and we just had if you guys, go check out our patroon patreon dot comback slash Horrible Decisions because it still exists. We had a conversation with Cinnamon Love even about perimenopause and menopause, and there's all

The play Devil's Advocate, though it does kind of fuck us up a little bit. I think.

One, I don't know, I want children, hm, so that's why I think family and marriage has tied to it. But I've always wanted success more, which is probably why finding love happened after thirty or whatever, you know. But something I've realized is not wanting marriage like I thought I did when I was a teenager. It's simply because of the success rate of it, and because I don't see enough examples of healthy marriage now. I have seen it, but the problem is that too many people feel like

And it really bad? No, But it's true.

Yea, even when you think of like Japan with the focus on you know, they have children later in life than anyone else, and because there's such a heavy focus on work, and I think that the child thing is interesting because are we gonna pour into work or building the life that we want, and it's the life that we want that directly tied to work.

Hell yeah, because the bill don't always have to be paid. What is it though? How are you gonna pay bills without the money?

And unfortunately like things that are like so expensive, I keep saying it started six dollars a one bedroom twenty five hundred like it?

I think, I think that's what and why is millennials and even the gen z or is like.

The amount of kids that are being had are less, Like it's becoming inherently visible to us that the cost of living is not possible. I mean, we talked about a couple months ago people literally getting into relationships so they could cohabitate to save money so that they could split rent together, you know what I mean?

Like it's but this point is.

Interesticuarly about being a workhorse not enjoying life.

Something else that I recently saw too, were just some statistics around birth rates that is I think actually really good news is that another reason why the birth rates are lower is because teen pregnancy is like barely a thing at this point. Really women are having their first child.

Why later, I did.

I think better sex? Said I think like things like access to birth control.

I think they get their.

Earlier Well, now that's just like being a problematic.

Younger generations aren't having as much sex as balthiest generations did because they don't they love.

I think they're socially awkward.

I think that the pandemic did a goddamn number on people.

Yeah it did.

And I think with sex and porn and all of these things being in our face, I really maybe think self pleasure is on the rise even among them. Like I think younger younger people are having awkward It's also I don't know if you saw this, and this is the strangest thing.

This is probably why they not have a sex anymore.

Did you see that over fifty percent of gen Z men said that they've never approached a woman or asked them on a date.

But I believe it.

It's like, so y'all, really, y'all out here saying we masculine. It's because we got to approach y'all like it picks.

Have you guys seen this video on the beach with the guy who said he thinks he's a six and a half but he was looking for the ten and a girl comes to talk to him.

Has anyone seen this? Yes, I saw it.

So it's a video of a guy who is very average looking who's looking at this other woman that I show him, and she's hot. There's a girl who is also average looking, who's like, he's cute. Where is he goes up to him. They both she looked better than him, but they both are very average. Let's just say that the way that he treated her head down, body language,

And the girl was so cute and flirty with him, like, oh, what do you live here?

And he's like, you know, like it's a very weird thing to me that we are so grossed out by attention from someone.

And that's the problem. Women do it too, though. Have a guy be interested in you, Oh yeah, if you live what you talking to? Go a wait, oh well we're gonna talk about luck and love.

Joel doesn't discourage that girl from shooting her shot in the future, me.

Too, because I'm all year like I think that's probably one of the very few things that if you go all the way back to the beginning of horrible decisions, I've always said she show shot slighting them DMS. I used to always be like, send this Jiffy Moji, like if you're like, I've always sent drinks from across the bar to men and women.

Is sexy, okay, I will let you know how interest. No, thirst thing isn't sexy, but a flirt is cute.

But I think giving giving a signal, giving a green light and showing interest, isn't it bad?

How shout out somebody?

M No, I'm not as forward with it, but I will like make eye contact with someone.

I mean your mile. I will give them perceeds. I must give them permission to per.

It's so funny because me and my boyfriend were on the phone Eddie he in his mind I did all the work and slid into his DMS. I had to go all the way back to last summer, like, no, sir, I did not slide in your DMS. You slid in my dam's first. And he was like, no, babe, it didn't happen like that, And I said, yeah, I didn't.

I'm like, you know, I never a guy would have never been able to get me from liking mad photos. I don't really look at that. I don't look at that. I don't look at I really.

I'm like, it's dinent for them and especially get a lot more engagement.

Not only there, God, only there.

And we talked about like when, okay, this is gonna sound like this, don't y'all don't. When you have a blue check, you also stand out more than a guy without one. So I'm not gonna notice a guy without one, but one with one, you go, you gonna see it.

God, that sounds sod, but that sounds.

Let's be normal people. Hypothetical question. Now, today is all about hype about luck and love. You told me that you know you've got some takes on that. So I've got a question for both of you. Would you rather let's say you laid out your type on the table, what they had to look like, money and morals? If your family could arrange a marriage based on those three

Definitely the second one for me. I don't want any arranged marriage. I don't first off, and nobody in my family really got the niggade won't so what I want him picking my uncle.

But it's like, y'all ain't y'alla write money, and what I realized too looks cool.

I mean, clearly I have a type, like I'm not gonna lie again.

I overshare.

So my boyfriend knows a few of my ex partners and he has a problem with him being a part of my type. He hates that they all look the same. But I don't care whatever, So looks as easy. I think for any of my friends. Money that's subjective, and then morals I think change over time essentially. I mean, you have your character, but depending on if you move, how you view things, I think those things can change.

To me, it's energy and connection and also the bedroom. So to me, those three things what it just is.

So those three things wouldn't even necessarily be just my top three pay you.

So when you were asking that question, my first thought was the second one I would rather choose than myself because I thought about my parents. My parents are still together, great, they love that for them. They got together really young. Okay, so they have never chosen a partner with an adult brain. They have chosen partners with like teenage brains and it worked out well for them.

But that's their only experience with it. Doing that back in the eighties.

Versus choosing a partner for like a thirty something year old woman today.

I just don't know if I trust it.

I were also different than a woman from in the eighties too.

Like I just want to do it myself.

Yeah, if someone is picking it based on the things that you want, right, they.

Don't know that's right. They don't know that. They don't know.

Let's just say you put he's got to make this much, he has to look like this, and they actually got it. I think that still doesn't work because that's a dating app. When I swipe you right, it's because you already check those boxes.

It's also not accounting for like energy connection.

I mean, I have a type too.

But I don't know he's date them because sometimes energy just takes me a different wait, right, Like I have dated so many different looking men long term because they just superseded the vanity for me. Like, don't get me wrong, it's sure I want to fuck my man every day, and just looking at him, I get excited, but like, fuck, like to me, the personality and the way he treats me as god tear, Like I've been asking for something like that my whole life, and if it was just looks,

Right.

But I think what's helped me even in friendships, it's not always what it looks like, Like I recently said, damn,

Yeah.

And I recently found a stat that says sixty percent of people today meet online. We'll talk about that, so, okay, we have a segment where we go over and basically react to it.

This one from TikTok.

I'm sure you guys may have seen it or heard about it, but I would love to dig in if this person's guilty or not.

This of model is in a heap of trouble after a fetish allegedly went horribly wrong.

But was it really a fetish or was it a cold blooded murder? I'll let you guys be a judge now. This all took place in April of twenty twenty three, and the client Dale Age fifty six, paid Mikayla riylers Dam eleven thousand dollars to do this, she allegedly wrapped her client up in siam rap like a mommy.

Put adhesive in the guy's eyes to seal them shut, and then super glued woman's boots onto his feet.

But that's not the end of it.

It gets even worse. He had duct tape over his mouth, saran wrapped tightly around his neck, Saran wrap.

Over his head.

The guy couldn't breathe at all.

Now.

The medical examiner ultimately determined that he had all all the shit all over his face, couldn't breathe for eight freaking minutes, okay, and the cause of death was a phyxiation, and he ruled it a homicide.

To make things even worse, there was a video made during the time that this was all taking place of Mikayla using a vibrator on herself while this guy was laying on the floor dying. Police eventually arrested Mchaela in February and she's being held without bond.

In San Diego County Jail. Mikayla's going to be back in court in April, and her lawyer is saying that she did not put the bag over her client. Set sounds like a lot of bullshit to me, What do you guys think?

I want to add, also, because she is married with kids. Oh, she is just a big and she's.

An OnlyFans girl that was hired by one of the men who I guess are on her only eleven K is a lot baby death has is a lot of money.

But like we would have to know that, like duct taping someone's mouth and wrapping them in plastic would mean this.

However, that's the thing.

I think that when you're new to BDSM, you assume that maybe this is something they've done before.

I have two things on this. I do feel like she was inexperienced.

However, a part of me feels like this also may have been someone that she actually was seeing that threatened to tell the husband. And I think this was in a bit of rage that maybe their affair was going to get out. I think that this actually may be she killed them on purpose. The eyes shut, the mouth shut, the bag over their head, the gluing.

Of the like.

I think that maybe you know, she glued the shoes. No, no, in the eyes. The eyes were taped.

She they says, they sealed him glued.

He said he glued.

She glued his eyes shut, duct tape his mouth, put a bag over his head, glued women's shoes onto his feet, like the things that were even asked. I think that even in BDSM, right knowing that we've talked to people like so marvelous and and all of these different well trained ds and people in the conversations that I normally had beforehand, a lot you can't say no to something.

A lot of that, a lot of measures.

People use chloroform a lot during BDSM for kidnapping scenes, and it's super common to chlor chloroform a client. I think, miss me at dark, what is what is chlorofy? Chloroform is making over.

No?

But like.

You know that makes you pass that, So I use it a lot in BDSM. I hear it all the time for kidnapping scenes. Kidnapping is very popular between toms and subs. So when I'm first, you know, hearing about this, but now more details are coming on, I don't even know what the glue eyes, but like I'm like, I know, it does get extreme because in most cases someone wants to keep taking it up and up and up. If

So six k not high enough to eat some.

Toes and a I don't care if I don't care if shula hot sauce on the side to put them things.

What is we talking about.

I'm not eating toes fried boiled saltat garlic.

I'm not. I'm not doing either. I'm not cutting or eating toads. Six grand.

No ship on me, baby, I take the ship for the six grand.

I'd rather eat, but I'm I'm not.

I'm imagine you gotta like keep going with the knife because it's think about when you're cutting his tis tough stick.

Now you get the machete, bitch and just stop one thing is well either way, I'm basically no, that's terrible. But what's interesting about the episode is that it really wasn't the guy wanting his toes cut. When you watch the scene, right when the knife lifts up, you go stops off sop. So it's the thrill and what I think is kind of hard for sex workers to figure out is how much is of this is the thrill

But she said, I wonder if that holds up, and she said, they actually don't really hold up. They're a little bit of a barrier for yourself, but they don't really work.

She says, they do them with every intense scene.

But what's interesting is even if someone signs it, let's just say she spanks someone, they can call the police take her to jail, because it's still assaults assault. You can never consent to someone assaulting you. That's not legal yet, but neither is sex work. So if you're doing this as a sex act paid well, this type of or legal depends on where you do it. Because this is considered acting in role play. This is an exchange of

In the United States.

Penetrative sex and oral sex exchanging money for that that type of scene is not, which is crazy when you think about it. But that's why dungeons are legal. It's considered like acting studios on some of their forms. I learned that on sex mills, but I thought it was crazy. The reason sex clubs are legal is because people are paying an entry fee to a space.

That it's not a seblic space. Yeah, it's not a public space either. It's considered private. But yeah, I'm not gonna hold you. I know about the glue on eyes, but I don't know if she killed them on. I think she just was an.

Experienced I think both things can be true.

I definitely don't know what I'm saying, but a part of me feels like there may be been some underlying mallae or she was or she was inexperienced, one or the other. But a part of me like hearing the details me the mouth, the eyes, like I get putting a plastic bag over someone's head, even the gluing of women's shoes, women boots his feet.

I don't know.

And but it's the video part though.

If she intended to kill him, why would she make Yeah that's a good video.

Well maybe she didn't look in the laws and thought that that was gonna s neighbor and maybe she could say he requested all of them.

Maybe that was her maybe saving grace.

How Mary in her video though, if we ever see him being excited about what she's doing, it's a wrap because you will see consents from or her being like you've been bad or no. Like it's obvious to see if someone's turned on by it, like if he's a gimp, and do you know.

What that is? No, a gimp.

I'm learning so much.

Oh, it's getting horrible, you know when you see the guy in the late text and they're like not talking and maybe you haven't seen No, let me get.

A picture left, you know.

You know with this though, I would correlate it to and why there's no saving race in this matter. It reminds me of rip, the instance that just happened with the fraternity and hazing where that where that.

Man lost his life from the hazing.

If you join us, you know, fraternity sorority, there's normally an element of hazing and it kind of is consensual because you're going into it. And still those two boys were charged with one was charged with I think they're both involuntary manslaughter or one is an accessory, but nonetheless they're being charged.

But it doesn't different than consensual be you No, it's.

But it's consensual. It's a consensual act and even though it's not sex.

At all, consenting to something that could Yes, you're because.

You're you know that hazing is a part of joining a fraternity or fraternity.

He agreed to be. I think it was he was being paddled or something, right.

I don't I read that it was something like some sort of chest chess, like getting hit in the chest and.

His heart stopped.

And yeah, but like you know, you're you're signing up essentially to be is a part of almost the ritual to go in.

You're essentially also consenting.

Hazing isn't always beating though, Mandy, and it's no, it's not always. But I'm saying, like if you watch drum line, they yeah, I'm not saying at all things.

But he consented.

I know this, But he consented at the moment, so what this act was and both guys are charged, so yeah, like he could have said no.

I'm not down for this part of hazing.

I'm not saying all hazing is at any part at all physical or traumatic or beating. But some of it is, and we're aware that that's the history that we've been told about, the hazing rituals that's associated to fraternities and sororities. And so is sex work, which is what I was saying.

He's saying, hazing is illegal.

No, there isn't a caveat for well, sex work if it's penetrative or not. No, No, what she did was in it was a legal exchange of money for that service she offered.

Yeah, but attempted murder can't like so even say, you know what I mean, like the fact that she's charged with the death of his imagine if someone said, hey, I want you to shoot me in here, you could still be charged because even if a person asked to be shy right like, you can't do that.

It's still almost attempted murder. That's the thing about. You can't consent to someone assaulting you.

Yeah, And I wonder if those laws, because that's technically what you're saying about the hazing. I wonder if somewhere around the world that isn't illegal, because you have to think, like in Germany where there's very loose or Netherlands where very.

Loose prostitution laws. Maybe oh damn, that tripped. It's all.

But like I'm just thinking to myself, there has to be some kind of place where that comes up. Because if I'm saying to you one which was thinking really hard to do this, and then I go to the doctor and they see a little bruise, don't take my husband in jail.

We was having fun.

Anyway, Speaking of husbands and partners and loving things, We're going to get into the history of luck with dating, and I have a bunch of things to read about how people meet.

But tell us why you wanted to get into this conversation or what peaked in your brain?

Yeah, okay, so it was maybe like a month ago.

Over Valentine's Day, there was a lot of discourse on TikTok around the idea of like self love when it comes to like meeting somebody. There was somebody who had posted a video talking about basically like being sick of partnered people, telling single people just love yourself more and then you'll meet somebody.

You know, Oh, it's meant to happen.

And it was like this whole big thing that went on for like several days around Valentine's say, it probably comes up every year, but when that happened, it got me to thinking about just that whole exchange and about how people will often say that self love is like the key to finding somebody or whatever, and I had a different perspective. My thought is meeting somebody often is luck. Self love is how you keep somebody around and don't self sabotage and fuck it up.

You know what else I want to add to that self love and what I've realized even within some of my friends, when you actually as a woman, reach the point of peace self love, enjoy your space, enjoy your friends. The least likely you care about getting in a relationship at all. I've been talking to my friends a lot who are at the age and a lot of my

Date or entertain anyone.

And they're like, WHOA, I didn't know actually enjoying being by myself was gonna make me not give a fuck if I had a man or not. Like that's been The conversation is that once you're actually no longer seeking validation or waiting for a man to show up to bring whatever happiness is missing, the least likely you are to even put yourself out there to care to find someone else.

That's only easy though, when you don't want kids to me. When you don't have that hunger for children, you're not against the clock, and when you have that biological clock ticking of, like damn, I gotta hurry this up, that's really what fuck.

I think that's the great thing about I have three friends total now, three all have gone through IVF, so all three of them have eggs frozen, and another one is actually looking now for either potentially her ex partner or looking through possibly finding a partner to inseminate to form embryos. And knowing what Ebanie Cages did, she was like at forty, if I'm not.

Married yet, I want to be a mom.

I think what's amazing now is because we're women of wealth status creating our own like kind of lies for ourselves. I'm really enjoying seeing my friends navigate deciding to still have motherhood without partnership.

Independence is good.

But like even before I was about to freeze my eggs, there's a part of this conversation that's not.

I don't want to be anti feminist, but.

To know that it's so hard to meet meant to have a great family dynamic with is kind of depressing.

It likes disheartening.

Sure that yeah, we.

Can cheer on our friends and ourselves for that, but like this shit sucks. I love that we can have autonomy to do that. And what Ebany did, especially at her age, is bomb. She was almost wasn't she engaged or something or dating someone? Then was like, fuck it, I'm gonna do it. That's what made Everny story so great to me. But at thirty or twenty nine, I was really about to freeze my eggs or a freeze in embryo with my best friend, and I didn't want to have a fucking kid with my gay best friend.

Faith in love. So I think there's a few things.

That are happening with the self love conversation. One, the desperation surrounding relationships is what makes them, to me impossible to find too fucking desperate. Oh, we all have a friend that every time they go out there like you know what I mean, Like that, damn bitch, can we just drink? I've felt that energy from a front and I was like, girl, you need to this is just for us.

Now. When that starts to happen, I really.

Think men just become completely like we're both like I've seen all of my homeboys tell me like yep, bro, like we're on date one two. Don't get me wrong, fine to talk about the things you want in life, but like, are we in alignment?

Like this chill? Do you know what movies he likes? Do you know any interests? Are you guys compatible?

I think the other issue too, with how men are carrying on relationships is that, because of all the ethical non monogamy talk, the polyamory, the more that we're on dating apps, it feels like you don't really need to pour into anyone anymore. And the more that you feel like that from the people that you date, the more you want to do this thing on your own. I don't really know how great it'll be when we're sixty and there's a bunch of kids that haven't met their

I can maybe name.

One if that I don't really need them. No, that's why I don't want kids. The one thing I can control is not being a single mom. If I don't have kids, if I have a guarantee that there's no way to guarantee it.

There's literally no way.

And growing up growing up in a single parent household and then also having so many friends that are single moms probably the worst thing in the world. I'm sorry,

That's it's scary about the freezing of the eggs and us getting so accepting of doing this alone.

I really hope that like men encourage each other more.

And I'm seeing a lot of content around it, around it, but just celebrating being a family dynamic and unit. Like I saw this clip of doctor Umer and he was like, you know, I might have married one of my baby mamas if they just gave me more time. One of my daughter's mothers probably would have got a ring out of me if they just gave me more time, because marriage is such a big decision and.

I'm like, baby ate so crazy to watch because I really that's what I think. We need to start encouraging courage before Oh, I think we need to start encouraging the sectomies.

But I.

Curiod. Okay, So with that conversation, luck with meeting people.

Meeting people is all luck.

I think people make it sound like the minute you fully love yourself, somebody appears and sure, when you are in a good space and you're putting out good energy, yes, that good energy comes back.

So many people.

It is absolutely a numbers game because how many people do you know who are with somebody who was like, oh, you loved yourself fully with this right?

Oh, it's luck.

It's being in the right place at the right time, swiping right at the right time, like eval.

Being in the right bar at the right time, ringing together.

That's what's different. Get eating out there. It's a lot of y'all. I'm talking to you, bitch, whoever you are. Every time you're in the house and you're like oh, I'm such a good kiddidate to Befe because I don't do anything.

Don't you don't care, go outside, go with your girls, have fucking fun with your friends. You don't have a community. You need to connect with one. Not having friends, not going out with those girls that are getting drinks on Fridays, like that's not cute. You better start having your own life because when you meet someone and you don't have your own life, they're gonna be like, damn, why is she on my ass all the time?

And if you not, if you settle down, you have kids, whatever the amount of time that you're gonna have for yourself to actually do what you want to do, your windle down, so you got to enjoy it while you have it time.

Me and my man think we should go home.

He goes, we know in two years, baby, you're gonna be pregnant, so we should stay out tonight.

We've been saying shit like that, and it's genuinely my thought.

Even when I didn't have him in my life, I would make jokes with myself like let me go out girls single and free and something I have in Nohl's barred. A friend of mine, Rashida I was crying to her at one of her birthday dinners because I was going through a breakup and I was like, I feel so bad to be going through this.

I'm so sad around you. She's like, why are you so sad?

I was like, I can't believe I fucked up again, and she said, baby, this made me your last summer single.

It might be and you.

Want to spend it in tears, and we've all been through that. I don't give a fuck what high horse you're on. Everybody has spent time they shouldn't have reading a relationship.

Yep. I'm telling you.

If you don't pick your right back up now, you're being unlocky.

Okay, So let's talk about how people met now.

In nineteen thirty eight, twenty percent of couples met through family, twenty percent men at school, and twenty percent met through friends.

By nineteen ninety nine.

Thirty percent met through friends, fifteen percent met through coworkers, and the rest were at bars.

Which makes sense.

They just said that the millennial generation spent the most money in alcohol consumption, and believe it, gen Z, it's completely fell from there, but it's because they're all fucking eating tide pods and on drugs.

Now casual in the club wasn't cheap?

Is that it was judged to.

Like you were.

But they had a little mini skirt I had the peplum had so many peplams man.

Now sixty percent of couples in twenty twenty four where do they meet online?

For sure?

It went from thirty percent of friends twenty years ago to thirteen percent.

And you know what's crazy.

When I meet couples that are in their forties or fifties and I just start to talk to them, they always talk about either how they met out at a party or a friend introduce them. And I kind of wish that my friends were more open to this. I don't know how y'all feel, but I've been out recently and done this twice in the last year, seen someone fine and sent them my friend's Instagram, and my homegirls

Was like, that's crazy.

But now I'm doing it because I really feel like a lot of my friends are so discouraged because they're unlucky in love right now. And I'm just like, if you pitches ain't in the streets, I'm goa go give.

Well, that was the initial premise of I mean, I remember hinge back in the day where you had to be you had to have mutuals with somebody. Everybody you saw was a mutual. Yeah, you had to have friends in comments.

Oh I didn't.

That was why it was called hinge, like there was a connecting point.

Oh my god, it's definitely not that now.

No, my friend Hinge scrolling niggas in Alabama, Like I'd be like, girl, you.

Get all you help you Alabama DC. But a lot of men, which.

Y'all is weird on the dating apps, especially if you pay, and of course they now make it to where most of the apps rya hinge all the things. In order to be able to see matches or have more access, you gotta pay. And apparently one of the benefits that they do is they allow you to put the location you want to be at. Because Atlanta is such a fucking mecca of so many women, so many successful black, bomb ass pretty ass women, majority of the men on the dating apps do not even live in Atlanta.

Wow, that's interesting.

The DC, they're Alabama, they're Jacksonville, they're the surrounding states. And literally my friend is like, bruh, none of these many to live here. They're all like, well, I can come or you could come here. But she's meeting so many men on these dating apps that literally aren't even within.

This So hold on, that's interesting you bring that up because annamar and White. I don't know if you know who he is.

Yeah, I had Anna war on the show. He was on your show.

Yeah, so Ana Warre said on the show he put or you should put the passport on and you should start looking at other cities.

I think that's not that bad.

The only thing is to me, and it's what I'm realizing even with my partner, like we've been lucky to now since January see each other every two to three weeks. But even with that long distance relationship costs money.

It's an investment.

And I think, again going back to what we were talking about with the economy, it's gonna take two people willing to have that extra bit of funds to invest to see each other. So where my friend is currently looking for work.

They may even keep her Monday through Friday in her city.

What's the reality of meeting someone else too that has the ability for y'all to co exist. And then let's not even talk about the kid thing. I will say what I'm what I'm really noticing is the swapping with co parenting. I'm hearing of so many more men that are literally having custody of children every other week, So

The long distance thing.

I mean, you're in one now, and so I was on oh for my birthday trip. My friend came to Loom with her husband and they are a great couple just left their wedding in Mexico City.

So we're talking about how they met and.

Connected and what they were doing because they met during the pandemic and they were like, man, we was doing in virtual dates for the museums and doing this and doing that. And when they left, my boyfriend and I were like, they probably connected so hard on the phone and FaceTime because that was considered a date. Imagine if everybody had at least two to three phone conversations before

For like eight months.

So he's like, you get so invested in that person that you're like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna see this through. And it made me think how many times have I been on a date where I'm like, oh, he had one little I'm okay with this now, but what if I really fucked you on the phone whatever.

On the other side, my friend BRIOND.

Is dating right now, and I'm like thinking to myself, well, damn, you don't want to connect too much with someone if you don't vibe in person. But it's so difficult because yes, you want to have some kind of connection before.

You meet a little bit.

I had a rule, I gotta at least hear your voice voice, no voice message, phone call. I need that before we see each other in person. Curious to know for your dating online.

Experiences because sixty percent of people meet online, so we've got to expect the listeners are meeting them people online. Did you have any rules while dating online? And do you have any now?

I mean, I'm not dating online now and I haven't for a while, but I feel like when I did, I usually would do like a phone call with people beforehand before meeting in person.

I mean, for me, it's not dating apps. It's Instagram that I'm finding people that are attractive. That's how I met my partner now and then my excitmental zoom. And if y'all been listening, there's been very little online dating for me. I don't like the element of swiping and just that it takes too long. And that's what I'm noticing. Even with my home now, they'll literally be in your dams for weeks and it's like, not set up a date, not do that.

And to me it's just.

Like does it also feel like work to you?

Because I was on app it felt the same as like responding to my DMSc. It felt exactly the same. And I was like, I don't I don't like this.

I didn't like it.

I think that the bumble app where women had to write first actually really really hurt us.

I swear to god it let men be like they gonna come fus. I'm good.

It's like, in some ways it was great because we learned how to get that going, but nobody wants to make the first move anymore, Like they really don't unless you're in a club and you just pulling somebody like.

You got to give some sort of like green green light.

How do we fucking blindly get these traders jos niggas. Let me tell you my homegirl said this, and she's married too. She was in Trader Joe's downtown, our Whole Foods downtown, Los Angeles. She called me and was like, are you still single? Sort of God, this is a real phone conversation.

I was like no. She's like, bitch, tell somebody tell a guy, damn friend.

She's like, the Whole food downtown has so many good looking men, and I think that they're all in a group chat talking about this is where you learn to find women like this is where you go.

This is the plate if you go to not in Atlanta, baby, I'll go to the Whole Foods.

Like hot bar at like seven pm on like a Friday night. That's this very specific. I used to live next to a Whole food which one it was when I lived in La It was in Pla Vista, Okay, And it was right next to a gym, So all the cute dudes will work out at the gym right after go to Whole Foods, go to the bar, say no, they're not.

Cooking their food. They're not cooking.

I pan of Whole Foods before I went to I went.

To Trader Joe's after walking the belt line in Atlanta, and I look over and.

I was like, girl, follow him on Twitter. He met the fuck over? He he oh hold but like brawlic tall, like had a little braids.

And I was like, bitch, I follow him on ex I rolling my pussy to that nigga. She said, oh, I got because all the gays on eggs living in Atlanta, and so I was like, well that too, but that too, and I was like, oh my god, I'm me just seeing someone I want to say Jack all too, and I don't check at the.

Well we learn the piece of advice since we're at the end of them, so we may need to leave a piece of advice that worked for us while dating I ral or online.

Because it does feel like you're never gonna find him. I mean, it's just luck. It is. It's just luck.

It is as much luck if you win the lottery.

I think you. Actually, my advice would be.

I wasn't actively doing it for a relationship, but I will say at the time I met my partner, I was making a promise to myself. I'm going on at least three dates a month, That's what I was saying. I was like, but I'm not going to be sitting here mad about the other guy that did something or didn't text back as fast. Let me just keep myself busy and start like learning how to date again. Because I had a lot of PTSD and I was kind of doing the same I.

Don't know, song and dance on dates.

I was bringing up my ex often on dates and bad relationships or things men did that I didn't like. And I was bringing a lot of weird ass energy to first dates. And I would recommend for no woman to do that. Why how does he know my ex.

Cheated on me?

They don't need to know anything.

Yeah, as far as they're now, you've been treated amazingly by everybody forever. That's all they need to know until unless you actually establish something with them. They only need to know that you're used to being treated the best. Like then if you tell them how bad you've been treated before, they'll be like, oh cool, the.

Bar's down here.

Yep, yeah, I mean I am nothing. We talked eight.

Months before getting together, and it's so interesting because just recently have we both started talking about our previous relationships essentially and what things went wrong.

Like even in.

Terms of how we talk, I was like, oh yeah, me and Mix never got on the phone. It's because he was twenty minutes away. He always just came over. And now it's so different because in my relationship now, because it's long distance, we're on the phone every day, and I'm like, this is different for me, And so I was like, damn, I realize I don't know how you existed in your previous relationships and we're just now talking about those things now.

Damn.

Like yeah, because we got to learn each other from family. What we do and who we are is not crazy. I'm gonna go through the tag. I'm a fine Oh.

What was your name? I'm a final ho.

I'm a find of mother fucking grandmama, fun of my mom from no that I realized that that I don't even.

Know what they look like. I literally will yeah, oh yeah, I'm just gonna starting real time.

You talk a little bit.

But I know every time I see a girl that just looks too sweet, Oh bitch.

I know you do.

I'm first of all, it's called research, thank you, It's called preppary.

What are you researching?

I just know why going on? I need to know where they've been. I need to know. I just need to know whatever I can find.

Why don't you ask them what you want to know? Why don't you ask?

And I will eventually you will eventually, but you're gonna dig first. Just ask them now, Wolf laughing, Wolf is just chuckling Like.

I thought, I yell, talk before you do you check on the X. Check on the X. No you look.

Both men said no, no, But I really usually when I am I'm doing my like lurking, I'm looking for are there any signs that he is a weirdo.

Has he said something weird? How is he moving?

Like?

That's usually lying's.

For example, right, you tell me, oh, yeah, I went to dr on a solo trip.

But some y lining up was that bitch and poompa conis off for to find out And now I'm gonna send it to you and you'd be like, Yo, that's crazy. I know, don't give a damn anyway, Let's tell them where they can find you.

Yes, you can listen to She's So Lucky every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts.

Right, She's so lucky.

I Well, guys, if you haven't yet, make sure you pre order and help us become New York Times bestsellers. No Holds Barred, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power, available now Amazon, any bookstore you go to.

Make sure you cut that.

And we are really excited because we have an announcement for you.

If we haven't announced it yet, Okay, bye.

This has been another episode of Decisions, Decisions you through