Welcome to decisions decisions.
I don't think you should say decisions decisions.
It sounded like you was talking to Kirsty.
You definitely say to welcome, welcome to the new podcast. You want to say together the decisions decisions.
All right, ready, I can't.
All these texts. People in the house.
That's all I want to do.
Take this is in the building, y'all. We are joined out how they do it?
Here?
You go, Oh, you know what, what is it? The D that is crazy?
Now?
This the D you you're throwing up? Houston whoop?
Is like that is?
People say you have a rapper voice? No you do? No, They say, I got to pass the voice too.
I have a male path all the time when I really get it too. Let me tell you you know I do when I get it to it, bro, don't do that. Don't even got a black.
Past the voice. I got an identity crisis.
That I either got as okay, I'm even that for they say, jadis But either way.
Bye.
We are joined by Kitty Rose y'all, and she is a certified relationship coach, speaker and happy wife. She's also the host of the Talk to Me Kitty podcast and author of Hella books to help you niggas find love and get married. Now, I'm really excited to really dive into the conversation around today because even you saying that you're a happy wife, I've constantly talked on this podcast
about not really seeing or hearing healthy relationships. Yes, and also as a woman in my mid thirties, the final goal for me is not marriage, and I have very like staunch views on those. So I'm really excited to dig deep into this. But for our audience, we did have a dating coach on towards the end of last year, mister an Waugh, And we've also had sham Boudremond, who is also talking about to her need to go to school because she's out here coaching and giving advice and
all those things. So I want to start at the top of that. Hey, what's a relationship coach? And girl, what's your certifications? And do you have any or you just like, bitch, I'm married, So I'm gonna help y'all get buried.
No, I think you need to have some type of professional backing if you're gonna be doing this. You know my so my major is in neuroscience, my miners and family services. Okay, so a lot of people don't understand that I'm in school for my psyche d So that's.
What backs me up.
I am a clinician, Okay, I am a you know, but I'm a clinician.
A lot of people.
I don't talk about it online just specifically because I am coaching in the social media space and you know how they are.
They're very critical.
But people get upset when you say things online, so they'll try to come for your license and stuff like that. So to play it safe. Plus, as a coach, you have more freedom online. So if y'all ever see any therapist or anything like that online and they're advertising at coaching, that's the.
Reason why I didn't know that either.
So if you ever look up certain therapists, you may see that they may have like sex relationship coaching, intimacy coaching, any forms of healing and it to say coaching. Yeah, that's the reason why one of my closest friends, who is a therapist in Dallas, mad he actually advertises a coach as well, but he's a therapist.
It's just smarter to do it.
If you're going to be doing stuff online, to protect your license, just go as coaching.
Okay, And then with coaching you just said it's coaches normally help with healing, but also coaching is direction too. No, Like when we have the conversation with ann Y, he was like, this is how you get married, this is how you get a mad Do you advise coaching in terms of dating to be for only those people looking for the end goal of marriage, if they're not looking to be healed from a breakup.
For a relationship coaching?
Yes, no, okay, I only say that because I believe that the relationship that you have, the client coach relationship that you have, it has to be a line based on values. So for instance, me, I'm Christian woman, so of course the end goal is going to be marriage, of course for me. But some coaches know if they believe in like long term relationships and stuff like that, it can simply be that. But most people who come to me, they know that the end goal is going
to be marriage. Coaches have a forte too, and war is really known for like getting to the what's the alter? Speaking of which, when he was on here, he talked about the amount of time that it takes for man to propose if he really cares about you, loves you.
Whatever, ask everybody it is.
I thought you, yeah, I thought, yeah.
How long did it take for your husband to propose?
Oh?
Let me see how long?
Okay?
Three years?
Now we've been together. Uh, now, we haven't known each other three years. We known each other since middle school. We were friends. Then we decided to go ahead and give it a try. We did it the right way, honestly, I want to say maybe four months in maybe four months four months.
Any he proposed?
Yeah, a four months?
Did you guys have said, like, I know you're a Christian woman.
Y'all just mouth and asked was it the I just saw her body when she go No, So let me be honest with you.
So, like, we've been friends for a very long time and then we got reconnected back in I think twenty eighteen probably, and then we just kept a friendship steady. No sex, no kissing, no, none of that, no hugging on none, no kissing, but knowing that you wanted to pursue romantically. No, oh okay, no, I think we realized we had feelings. But because both of us, I mean, we had rosters. So let's just be real. We weren't
trying to do that. And then plus we just looked at each other as friends, like let's just keep it platonic, let's keep it here. But then over time, you know, went through my stuff, he went through his, and it was like when we came back again, because you know, whenever I was talking to somebody, I was like, all right, let me just back off because I don't want to you know, when we came back again, it was.
Like, you know what, let's get this a shot. Listen, Wow, four months. How old were you at that time?
Both of you?
Girl, I'm in my thirties. Yeah, okay, you mean when when he proposed my early thirties? Yeah, So this really starting to put this nigga right.
But you mean okay, okay, and you you had that as an end goal, right, Like has every partner that you've had, even before him, was it, Hey, I'm only going to stick around for but so long because I want to be a wife. Nor were you willing to let it kind of No.
A lot of the relationships that I had, any SITUATIONIP or relationship, I really, honestly, I'm not even gonna lie to you, A lot of it was just to heal my attachment.
That's really what it was, to be honest with you. I was an anxious person.
I was an anxious I was an insecure attachment and so a lot of it was just like a false sense of security. As long as I had you there, I was cool. But many of those I was like, you're not a potential husband. You don't even have the quality of being a husband.
I wish I would have brought that up in our book, like I talk about there's a chapter where I dated a guy we call old band a podcast, and there's no big arc of why I broke up, like he kind of always was fucking around, kind of always doing things, but I always stuck around because it was just like, Okay, he's there, he's there, he's there, and do therapy. I
realized how to do with attachment style. But what I talked about mainly was like then I believe people can get to the altar with a person like this, good job and some friends like them, family like them.
Whatever.
He was just there and it was just a relationship.
Companionship.
I think once you get in your thirties is a scary thing because you're like, well, I don't have many options after this, which isn't necessarily true.
You really got to put yourselves out there.
But yeah, I really just talked about how you can end up with a person that's just okay.
Yeah, once you transition, because we go through different tiers of womanhood.
Once you transition in your thirties, you know, now it's probably some form of commitment somewhere, whether it's commitment to a career or just simply companionship. It doesn't have the necessarily mean you want to marry, but you want someone there. That's a form of a partner almost in a sense. Once you transition, things are different in your twenties. A lot of that's playing time. It's like we're trying to know who we are. He's just trying to figure out
who we are. We're having fun. I'm trying to see exactly what it is that I won't. The problem is in our twenties back to attachments, because we have attachment deficits. We attach to people insecurely, prematurely, and we don't actually think about compatibility when it.
Comes to being Christian.
Because a lot of my friends that have a Christian background, or even Muslim girls like religious background because they believe in marriage.
As a forefront of dating. Mainly it seems like they're getting married earlier or encouraging that. However, being that you at a roster y'all went through y'all phases, I really actually believe people need that to come together strong. Do you think, as a relationship coach advising someone at twenty four twenty.
Three to be a hope? No, I look for marriage? Yeah, is really the right thing to do? Do you not think women should be exploring themselves, like, what's the perfect age?
I really think that looking for marriage is something you should be doing. I'm only let me let me go ahead and explain why we bring on. No, we end up adopting a lot of trauma along the way from the attachments and the relationships that we form in our twenties, and because in this day and time, in this mounter time, it's all about sexual liberations, sexual freedom and stuff like that. But then we start having these soul ties and we
connect people and that becomes a problem as well. So although you think you're finding your identity, you're losing bits and pieces of you because by the time you're getting your thirties, you're looking back like, oh, and I invest around so much into this person.
I lost this part of me. I've had to work to find this.
I've it becomes it starts to feel more like a loss rather than something that you gained.
That might be one of my favorite pieces of advice I've heard on this podcast, getting trauma along the way, because for me, I feel like a lot of my explorative years, like my whole years, I really needed to shape me. Yeah, but I definitely developed trauma along the way. Where would have been if I just stopped hoing at a certain age, or stopped or really was intentionally dating. But for me, as someone that's ethically no monogamous, I think I actual needed that. I needed to kind of
date every type of guy. I think I needed to go through those phases. I needed the Homeboys to show me how men work. There's a lot of issues that my friends have in relationships that I don't seem to have, and I think it's because of the framework I've had from dating up until now. However, I really like what you said because we're discounting a lot when we talk about go have fun, that fun can be painful exactly exactly.
I will say this, though I do understand the whole fase I understand why people do it because I had one too, so I understand it. But as a woman who's healed, I can actually say I have really put in the work to heal. I look back and I'm like, yeah, I wish I never would have did that. I wish I would have prioritized me, took in the time. I would have dated Differently, I can say that it wouldn't have been the sexual encounters that I had. I would have actually been dating to really learn who I am.
So it would have been like, I'm going out on a date with you tonight, not to sleep with you.
I don't even want to get physical.
I don't want nothing that's going to cause us to bond in a sense outside of quality time. I want to learn what I don't like. I want to look at you and say, Okay, this is what I like. I'm gonna check this off. This is a new standard, this is a new expectation.
I'm gone.
I love that I'm.
Going through that phase right now, so within therapy from my journey of being sober right now, because I do understand too the rock star lifestyle that I had in my twentieth and the bond that I made from you know, dancing on couches and getting ship based and like, let's don toe to toe and being able to keep up with a nigga with drinks who six ' eight and I'm five to one and I'm keeping up. Like those attachments weren't healthy. Those attachments didn't lead to anything of
purpose or anything like that. So I'm currently in this phase of, even with being celibate, figuring out the importance of even sex now in my relationships. Like I'm at this crossroad right now with talking to my therapists and even I won't say blame my mom, but me and my mom are having a lot more conversations because she's now in therapy and so she's calling me to tell me, and I was like, oh, bitch, this is why how
I'm blame me. You put everything. And then also just having the conversations with my sister who's seven years younger than me, and the same kind of trickle effect on how it's impacted her. But my relationship with men, specifically black men, because that's all I've dealt with, that's all that's been around me, is really coming to the forefront with how I feel safe with them, how I feel respected by them, and how to communicate the needs that I need to be in a space where I feel
like this makes sense. And what I realize is a lot of those past relationships in my twenties when I look back, and some of them are still in my life. Unfortunately, when I look back, I'm like, none of that made sense to me. How we communicated, how we coexisted, how we fucked, how we tried old, how we none of literally none of it makes sense to me currently.
Yeah, and our twenties were dopamine seeking. That's the reason why. So by the time you hit your thirties, your reward system and your pleasure system changes. So instead of having sex and the thrill of a different partner and stuff like that in your twenties where you get that rush and it's like, oh, I have this high, and then you get that that dumb when you get in your thirties, it's like, now I see pleasure as other things.
I see pleasure. It's more recreational things. I see pleasure.
It's more time with my partner actually getting to know this person instead of me just having a one nice standard have something toxic to say.
I love the toxic take.
I agree yeah.
I don't think I got there without having a friends with benefits the whole time, mainly because I was so when I was like dating intentionally whatever. Sometimes I kind of was rushing for the intimacy because I didn't have it anywhere else. When you're single for a minute, and y'all know what I'm talking about, men or women listening, it doesn't even matter.
When you're single for a minute, you kind of like, damn, I missed this.
Then I was kind of getting a little like, oh, we should do this on Saturday, or a little too pressed because there was no one else there. I actually kind of think you need that one solid person in your life kind of when you kind of want to get your shit off, we're going to see a movie, cuddling whatever, so that you can actually date this way. I know that sounds crazy toxic, but it's really work.
It also works on the opposite. I don't think I realized, what if y'all listen to the first six years of this podcast, I didn't really need intimacy. On the flip side, I didn't realize how much I needed and crave it until my last relationship.
Intimacy.
What intimacy in the forms of just laying down, cuddling, making and quality time. I was cool with being flown out. Baby. We got twenty four hours as fuck times. I don't know the next time on the sea, and I was good on that, you know, and that just being the exchange, fucking you as much as I can within a short window of time. And now I'm not. I turned down
a trip to motherfucking Columbia and Panama. I was like, I'm good, don't need a trip, don't want that anymore, because it's I want to cuddle, you want.
To You're you're getting fulfillment from somewhere else now and it sounds like it's you. And that's the difference when we get fulfillment in our twenties or when we're just being a little wild at those times we get off fulfillment from the ins and outs from external factors.
Yep.
Once you get to that place of healing, which is what it sounds like for you, the fulfillment or maybe you, I'm not sure what your story is, but the fulfillment starts to come from within. Now it's I'm actually creating genuine connections. It's not off of the excitement. It's not because I'm being impulsive. It's not because I'm bored. It's
not even because i'm trying to be at ventures. I'm literally finding fulfillment in myself and what aligns with what it is that I actually want from my lining.
Go.
Hold you being hill sucks. It ain't it's fun, it's.
God. I'm like, I'll do that.
Maybe you're not. I think you're not. No offense. I think you're in the healing thing.
Yeah, no, I love that.
I I read that.
I'm glad you said that. Let me correct myself. We never one hundred percent healed. We managed, so with me, I'm still managing my healing. Yeah, let me not say that I've healed one hundred percent because I still have triggers.
I like that way, and I manage them.
Yeah, when you said didn't know my story, I would say the only thing I think that changed where I was able to meet someone that was right. I kind of this is very corny, and I'm not religious, but I dead ass just had faith that like that person would come a lot of my friends right now.
Where is it corny?
Because I think saying I just had hope it's very wrong. Calm to say no and I just did. Something happened to me at thirty after a breakup where I was like, I'm gonna meet them, I just gotta live first. Living life along the way really helped whether it was fulfillment for myself, even fun experiences along.
The way travel.
I think having faith that someone is there instead of freaking out that they aren't let it happen for me. The pressure that I put unknowingly on people from maybe the word desperate is too heavy, but just being like I have to cling onto this guy because he's here, all that shit went away when I was just like it'll happen. My mother found love at forty with my dad, like a lot of my friends just got married at thirty eight.
I was thirty three.
I'm like that nigga coming up me, Like, why am I freaking out right now? But the patriarchy really been making me feel like I need that baby right now. I need that ring right now.
People in the motherfucking comments making me feel like.
Niggas don't want it.
I've been a whole all these years. It's all of that shit feeding in my head. How to let it go?
Yeah, I'm glad you do.
Well.
I do want to get toxic real quick time. We got to ice, break this ice a little bit, get it out, all right, y'all know, we got a little hypothetical segment in this show now and this one you know I really like, uh, just because shout out to Kevin Gates and anyone else who has ever what I can't shout out Kevin Gates.
Don't look like that. Don't look like that.
So here's the hypothetical and ed and feel free to join in on here, just so we could get a male perspective as well. All right, So one day you have successfully dated someone that you truly now love, and after a while, you and said person end up happily married. Come on, happy wife. However, you go to the doctor and decide to perform a medical check with your partner to prepare for family planning, and you actually find out that your partner is your long lost sibling. What do
you do next in the relationship? I do want to go ahead and get y'all's opinions before I share what the results were on the pole that was taken.
You would throw hell yeah, but you've been already fucking your sister now, you've already been in it. So it's like, get at it shut.
Just not okay.
Yeah, your mind first goes where break up with him?
But then I hit reality.
Okay, if I've been married to you for five years and we're just finding out through family planning we're related, Okay, we've already gone too far.
We just can't have kids.
Okay, so you're not having kids with them, but you're gonna keep sucking and sucking and being married. But we're already five years. We ain't gonna have a baby.
You're still going to have them, so it is ain't gonna be protected.
No, no, no, So the baby part is literally for the sake of the child. We know, like the increase in deficiencies that children are.
Still love that baby. No oh wait, that.
You're bringing a life into this world that's going to have.
You know, there's high chances of it, but they could be. Okay, So wait, kitty, have you seen the oh yeah.
The Whitakers or whatever on YouTube? You've seen this.
It's a family of incests. I don't know what their name is because it's the whole family. It's from software, like ten of them and they all like the chances aren't just hot?
Okay, yeah, Okay, l one is in Miami. Let's just say that what are doing? What are you doing?
If you find out your husband is a long lost sibling like marital annoyedment?
We're done. Absolutely nobody else know. We're done.
We're going through grief counseling and I'm going to my parents because why y'all lied to me? And if my parents are deceased, I'm going to their grave because it's still on site.
What do you mean?
And even if you're afterlife, you got questions that need answers. Honey, yes, a long lost sibling. What if it was just like adoption, like no one knew?
Okay, now you added because I'm saying, okay, what happens?
It is not your parents, let's look at Okay, so we can look what if he was half? What somebody?
I'm still don't even know my parents because you should have told them simply can.
Still be half?
So wait, does the does the rate of deficiency.
I don't know is still fully instance because cousins, it is, even cousins get.
A higher risk of So if you have okay, so anything that's interfamilial, that means that your DNA has a specific coding that looks similar, there's a higher risk for genetic deficiency.
Do you know this goes down to dogs?
What she's saying goes I will know they say that dogs is how dogs have issues. So let's just say you want to get a toy puppy that's popular.
Just abnormalties, not not not issues definitely.
Okay, let's just say they're breeding toy dogs. Everybody wants this three pound dogs. A lot of these dogs are getting sick or something's wrong with them, or they like they are super hyper, and it's all because of the in bringing.
So I guess are you giving your brother?
Bitch? I ain't gonna hold you. I don't want kids, no way, right, So I think the conversation then if we want kids, because I'm going for family planning, I'm cool with adopting. I don't think I divorced them. This might be the only person I'll ever love in my life. Like we're married now, I love you, you.
Know what I mean?
Like, so I didn't I didn't have a follow up question? Then okay, wait, well what'd you just.
Like absolutely love somebody else? Manufficiency?
You know what? I don't even want kids. Okay, so then let me ask, Okay, is there any relative that you don't think would warrant the same scrutiny or it wouldn't be such a big deal. Because we talked about cousins, what about like third cousins or someone through married.
Being a cousin fucker is crazy, But being a brotherfucker's crazy.
It's crazy. Let me ask you.
You find out you keeping it.
At least taking up again.
I mean, okay, well, I did want to read some of the results. So for this the Thrones was fine. But but Jordi said, uh, they would first have the conversation with their spouse whether they should stay together or not. That's the first thing. The second one divorce, speedy divorce. I can't bear it. I'm immediately going. The next one is I'll keep it a secret. So women were saying they would keep it a secret from their spouse that they're related.
Because you gotta thinking. There we go.
Let me tell you why my brain is going this way. I'm super in love right now. Okay, we're a.
Couple of go to restaurants. They'd be like, you want to another play. We'd be like, no, bitch, we're on the same side, saying for it. We got in love.
I just feel like I wouldn't have I can't see breaking it.
I don't know.
Maybe a regular marriage where people are just like a lot of people hate their wives. Wom Yeah, I'm gonna walk around and just not saying.
There are people that would. There are people saying that they would keep it to themselves.
Oh I thought they men keep it to themselves. I don't know, don't because I'm not telling my hot I'll keep it a secret. That's a secret within yourself. I ain't telling nobody because y'all ain't gonna judge me.
Now.
I'm probably tell my best friend Chris, she'll understand.
Maybe I'll just fell love. I'm married. We've never thought I would get here anyways, What the fuck I am married? Out of said on this podcast for eight years saying I ain't getting married. It's that nigga my daddy. I'm staying married probably. Oh wait, I mean if I didn't know my dad and then found out, Okay, my dad.
Is my heart.
Oh if you found out it was your dad, that's my heart.
Nu yo, y'all ever seen an old boy, y'all know what I'm talking about. Sorry, it has to do with the ending. But it's one of them. It's my favorite movies. It's a Korean film. But basically, I don't know how to say it eddying. I'm trying to think it's a prisoner like, it's this way of revenge. But they basically placed this woman in his so he fantasizes about this woman, ends up seeing her, then they end up getting married, falling in love, and then towards the end of the movie, boom,
he finds out it's his daughter. Oh, but that was their biggest way of like giving him revenge, like getting their revenge on him.
Oh, now you fell in little with your daughter, yo. Well, as long as they're both consenting adults. I did want to share. I did just want to share a fun fact. Rutgers anthropologist Robin Fox has actually estimated that the majority of all marriages throughout history were actually between first and second cussin.
Here we go through these generalized statements in generalized studies.
Don't do that. Hold on. This is cited from Live Science. Let me look now, you got me trying to figure out how they did this. Oh, it's actually according to the Journal of plos Genetics. So they possibly went through genetic testing of these people.
Even so when.
People make these type of statements and we do this type of study, I'm looking to see exactly where you performed study it like what regions, what area?
Now when they started dying, it was digging up their grades and.
Was like, I want to know because certain cultures maybe, but when we say, oh so you know.
What I was just thinking of. There's a documentary on Netflix with the guy.
Who had given the sperm.
Yes, yes, and they were talking about how it literally affects a country. Yes, because now what happens is he did sperm donation with so many women in one particular area that these kids are going to meet one day and be slightly connected to their half brother ten percent not knowing.
Y'all should look at it.
It's called uh, I have a thousand Babies or something like that, something like that, and it's on Netflix, and it's literally the conversation around sperm donating because if you if you donate your sperm to a small demographic. These kids are all technical.
So they were talking about being on a playground, putting the kids in a playground and just like naturally get a little crush on someone, like you really have to keep these kids apart.
But the naturally you go have a crush on your siblings to.
No naturally have a crush on because of the chemistry, you won't know, oh not.
Science talk about that. Let me tell you it's crazy about you saying that. Yeah, oh my god, she's the only child.
My aunt Dally.
I don't have something or anything, but I was in a Walmart talking to this lady.
I don't know if I told this on Horrible.
This was in DeLand, Florida, years ago. I'm like nineteen years old. This lady, something about her energy just made me excited about her. So basically we start talking. She's in her fifties. I'm nineteen years old. I'm like, oh my god, you just remind me of my mom. She's like, where's your mom from. I was like, it's from New York, but she moved down here. My grandma moved here too. And she's like, what's your mom's name?
I said, Jewel.
She starts crying and she's like, that's my niece. Oh wo like removed or whatever, like not like super close, but like the next one.
I'm like what. She's like, I'm your auntie.
Bro.
Literally spent maybe every other thing's given with them and oh wow, met her in a Walmart. Say that to say there is something about chemistry between family, which is crazy.
I can't get my sister but for my daddy.
So you can actually need someone must just say that was a romantic connection.
I felt attached to this person. I might be adopted. Then I might need to talk to my parents now because I ain't got some of my some of my mother like a family. No connection and no connection. No no, no, me and my mam are the same person.
But you said no connection. Chemistry is different from connection.
Oh okay, girl, That's what I'm talking about.
You know what, No shade, but we got chemistry week, dude, I'm just saying, you have we do?
We do? It could be a biracial thing.
I have a lot of biracial No, I'm just saying that might be.
I hated it. It could be biracial in Orlando.
I just don't like talking about it right now because after this election and ver Roads, I just hate being biracial.
Bro.
No, no, no, I love my father, but we got it. I wish my mom just went a little more to the other side of Africa instead of the middle East, he's a different one.
We can't claim the Biracials that really want to know, it's.
Not we're all in the same. No, no, no, no, no, there's different birational. There's not Patrick mahons all these niggas. Patrick mahonmesay like he's leaning a little more on the palm side.
Zoe.
There different, there's a difference.
I don't claim a Biracials, but I'm saying they muddy.
The water for us. I get you.
Do you understand why we got so many black women that because we are the opposite of racials.
They know.
But then once in the blue we come out.
We ain't muddy ship. Let's stilly. They're gonna be like, see only Mandy and the brother history money. We're not gonna do that. We ain't muddy ship, no money and in the blood she would have divorced them.
Look at us, A screw is loose, ain't And I talk to yourself.
That connection.
We are different viracials.
All right, y'all.
We we got our reaction. These are these are some uh touch topics. Because this next one, baby, we have a video to play, and I'm really excited because with this clip, I want to talk about how we kind of connect as human beings. Right, Because when you're married, there of course is a romantic relationship. But before a romantic relationship, it's specifically with you, there was a friendship, right. I will say our friend zone before I get romantic, like in a way to when our friends on you,
I don't think of you as a partner. If I think of you as a partner, I jump right into I see you as a partner, not friendship.
Where you you can compartmentalize it.
It's different.
I do a lot. That's the word from them. I'm sorry, okay, no, So I'm gonna play this. I want to play this clip. Dave, you got it put up for us, and we're gonna I'm excited to kind of see your thoughts on this.
I don't particularly want to be a mother have children to me. I think it's basically for us, you know, companionship and security. And I think it'd be rather interesting to marry a homosexual for this, because you could establish a good relationship, a sort of deep respect for relationship, and yet you could your own life apart.
So this is a woman from nineteen sixty four. I'm going to summarize it. She basically said that she would like to marry all homosexual because she believes that in relationship, the companionship comes from being friends, and it would be easier for her to be married with someone who's homosexual
because they can respect each other. They could allow each other to have separate lives apart, but still have respect for each other within the relationship, almost to insinuate that when you're with someone maybe on a heterosexual scale, or lean in romantically with the love of your life that way, that you lose the respect, you lose the friendship, you lose the fun out of it. I think that that's kind of a bit been my perception as well.
We always say, right, sex complicates things.
We always put these boundaries with our romantic partnerships that we don't necessarily put with our friendships. And I think Weezie and I have been talking about that a lot, like how we show up differently with our romantic partners, differently than how we show up as daughters to our parents, and different how we show up as friends within our friendships. So I want to ask you specifically your thoughts on this video, and then we're gonna deep die.
Okay, So first, on the video with her desiring to marry someone that is homosexual, and she's known the orientation of them, so I'm looking at different factors. If you're wanting to marry someone solely for companionship, then that's the only aspect that you're really prioritizing. So it doesn't have the heterosexual expectations that you see in a heterosexual relationship.
It's not there. So sex and stuff and all that.
Yeah, so sex and stuff like that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be a part of companionship. She just wants someone to give her a sense of emotional fulfillment, but also be able to help I guess with parenting or whatever it is that she wants with Some people actually do that.
Can I break this energy for a second.
This is a really sadass video to me, okay, and I feel like a lot of the conversations we've been having recently are all disappointment from men. Can we just talk about how your relationship and marriage is healthy? Tell us things that I don't know, just way acts of love you Shovije. I just want to hear about it because I'm almost a little tired of like, no shade I know you picked the slip even I bring it up.
I feel like we talk so much about the bad, Like we're sitting here with well, your husband's on all the mic, but just talk about having a healthy marriage and how it's possible.
And you're young.
Why are you happy? How have you found this happiness? How do you navigate good conversations? Like I kind of want to hear that.
Well, I'm gonna give you healthy by my definition.
Yeah, healthy by my definition is really creating a safe space for both of us. That means that you get to be yourself authentically and I get to beat myself authentically as well, And that leans back to that friendship. Friendship is us being able to open up even about our insecurities, about our worries, about our doubts, without the judgment, without criticizing one another. Also practicing a lot of connective skills,
a lot of connection activities. So being emotionally intimate is what a lot of people actually lack in their relationships.
So we do.
Things together Togetherness is prioritize us. Being able to sit and talk and be able to reveal what we're truly feeling is important. Also, our identities we merge but we have limits on how much we merge.
That's where a lot of people fail.
They get in, they merge identities, and then the life becomes what can I do for you?
That's not our life a library emerging identities. For example, when you said.
That just now, I thought about working together. Couples that started business together, tell me how you don't money?
See that?
And that's not necessarily merging identities when we're if we're speaking about just being in a partnership, a business partnership, that's completely different. In a business partnership, you can separate your actual emotional partnership from the business.
So how's a merging of an identity? Is it like sharing friends?
Like?
What does that look like?
It's when I take on all of your interests, Like I lose myself by trying to do exactly I'm conform to what I believe you want of me, or I'm conforming to what I see that you do. That's merging your identity. Like at this point, we're not doing things for ourselves. We're not still having our own friendships, we're not pursuing our own hobbies, we're not engaging in our own interests. We're just living for one another. Me and my husband don't do that. We have that's a hard boundary.
It's like, look, I'm here for you, yes I will. I'm married to you, but i still have my friendships. As long as I'm respecting my marriage, as long as I'm still being an integral person, that's fine.
How do you do?
Tell me more about the connective activities.
So if we're talking about emotional connection, because it's different forms of intimacy, I'm speaking on intimacy when I say that we have physical, we have emotional, we have intellectual, we have sexual, we have financial intimacy.
There's different forms of intimacy.
So when I'm talking about connection on an emotional level, that means we're sitting, We're talking about our bad things, we're talking about our good things. We're talking about our traumas, we're talking about our past. We're talking about how we feel in this moment, and we're providing that safety. We're not interrupting each other, we're not being this fact that we're actually listening. Those are forms of emotional intimacy, but
we bring in other forms of intimacy as well. Intellectual we talk a lot about things that are happening in the world. We do a lot of intellectual things together. It helps us expand our minds, like financial intimacy, talking about your finances and things like that. Working through these things while still maintaining connection, physical intimacy, holding hands, cuddling, doing stuff like that, sexual intimacy, engaging of course, and sex, benetrative sex and stuff like that. You got it, So
I think that if you. But I think because I always say, the foundation of any form of intimacy is your emotional intimacy.
That's the breeding ground for everything.
Now let me ask you this.
I've got a homegirl of mine who's a little more old school to me, and she heard me say something on the phone so my man, and she goes, you share too much. I can't remember what it was. It was an insecurity I had on I like her. She's like, you shared too much. You shouldn't have told him that you're insecure about that, And I'm like.
How now, hold on?
I think I started to maybe okay because I because you just said so. Her and I like were not arguing, but she was like, you shouldn't. I really want to tell y'all what it was. I have no shame I just can't remember if. Okay, but it was something about a physical insecurity I was having, maybe I was feeling I don't know if it was weight or what.
I don't remember what it was.
But basically in this conversation, she goes, he can't be or everything. You need to dump that onto me. You need to jump that onto your homegirls, don't let this man see you. Okay, you like to take it back?
Now, why can't I share with him how I'm feeling because.
I want him to know that.
It's not necessarily that. I think she's looking more at possible codependent tendencies. I think that's what she's highlighting because in certain situations, in certain relational dynamics, when you're sharing a lot, when you're sharing insecurities, if you're looking for them to be the sole source of securing that insecurity,
that's when it's a problem. It's fine with you sharing certain things, but there are certain conversations that you probably should just out with your friends and let your friends help you navigate that.
So, then how do we fix this If I'm feeling, uh, I don't know something with my body issues right because I have fibroids, and so since I was working through getting them smaller. I couldn't really work out, and I'm starting to see like weight get put on. I'm like, well, I'm not feeling good. I'm not feeling good about this. I really hold that all in and don't tell my partner that I'm feeling.
Like you can. This is where we're's that codependency. Set your boundary with yourself because you have to understand any problem that you present to a man, his natural instinct is to solve it anything. So this becomes a burden when it becomes continuous. So yes, we can. I can tell you if I constantly feel like that, Yeah, now you can feel that you have the right to feel it. I can tell you that, hey, today i'm feeling insecure. I'm not really feeling myself. And then, of course, every day, if.
You wake up telling me I.
Don't have time every day, you look great.
Right, I can give you the reassurance, But we can't make this something that's own going because then it's going to feel like his reassurance is going board.
You can't be dumping on somebody.
Yeah. I actually have a question too, because we talked about healthy relationships and healthy marriages and things like that. But we also we're talking about friendship. She wanted companionship, and so because so many people start as friends before they get into a relationship and then eventually end up married if that's their end goal, how is it possible to maintain a healthy friendship when betrayal is introduced into the romantic relationship?
Or I gotta go through steps on this one.
Because that's the thing that's the reality too, right, like damn? Like as a partner, Yeah, okay, you betrayed me because you cheated on me, like again in romance. In romantic partnerships, there's a level of that, there's different boundaries that are set, there's different expectations on them. When when they're a friend,
those are completely different expectations and boundaries as well. And so when you're merging this person to show up as both, how do you keep a healthy relationship when they're fucking up as a partner? And is it possible to keep that friendship after so many boundaries across romantically?
Well, I think healthy is subjective, So I'm be the light on that term. When someone betrays you, whether it's intentional or not, it becomes an attachment injury. So there's no way when it damages the connection for that to stay healthy in that moment. So if you realize that now this person has betrayed me in some sense, now we have to do the restorative work. We have to recognize that there is now an attachment injury.
There's been. So either you broke my trust, you broke the security.
Because when we're speaking of attachment, certain attachments need trust, they need security, they need loyalty and things like that. So now you've injured that. So now my perception of security looks completely different. Now we need to have these conversations. We need to talk about what this act of betrayal was because when if you're speaking of a friendship in a relationship and things like that, and you're prioritizing the friendship or the companionship, it's like it's like a double
effect almost in a sense. So now I have to look and see that how you as my friend and how you as my partner has betrayed me.
I have different levels to this.
Now I need to look at the severity and intensity of the betrayal, how it has truly affected me, and I need to be able to talk to you about it. It means you can't be dismissing, you can't be justifying, you can't be arguing, you can't be shift and blame. You need to hear exactly how you have impacted me and then truly own up to what it is that you did. The safety measures are important when we're talking about restoring, because we need to be able to talk.
I need to be able to ask those questions because now I have difficult Yeah, I have assumption and curiosity, and oftentimes we see when people betray someone and they hurt someone, they try to speed up the process. No, in this process, I need emotional space. Now I need to process my emotions. I need to process the assumptions that are attached with these emotions as well. I need to process these triggers, and I may not be able
to process them around you. So now I'm going to create this emotional space to be able to get through this. But I do have questions. Most people will ask, why did you do it? Was I not good enough? Did you not love me? Did you not think about me? You have all of these assumptions that start to come up, and a person who is the offending partner needs to be able to sit through that. That's where that test
of friendship is going to come through. If we remove the title of lovers and we are here just as friends. As a friend, you would hear me, because I know you would hear your friends.
Yep.
Let's remove the expectations of a relationship and let's just talk friendship. Can you provide a space to where I can actually talk to you? Can you provide that safety for me to express what's going on and guess what I'm gonna talk about it today. I may talk about it again next week. I may talk about it the week after that. But can you provide that space? Can you take ownership for what it is that you did? And can you apologize genuinely with that? Apology means that
we need correction as well. Can you do that without necessarily apologizing just because you feel guilty? Can't I apologizing because you want me to hurry up here?
But where does it come from? Within our heads? And men and women? This isn't even gender base where yet we absolutely can hear our friends out a lot more easily and receive it and digest it way more than a romantic partner hear them out for what hear them out for yeah, like it, damn it really, I was really, you know, upset that you weren't able to show it to my birthday dinner.
I was really upset that you kind of came late day.
Why you Like, there's just more casualness in telling friends how they kind of slided, how they showed up for you, and there becomes so much pressure or anxiety around letting your partner know they let you down. Well.
Condition and expectation is completely different in those dynamics. For one, we're conditioned with our relationships to be one to be truly a partner, So it looks different from an actual friendship. You can still have separate identities in a friendship, but it doesn't necessarily feel the same in a relationship. It's the way one point I'm going to make Biologically, we are completely different. If you ever study a man's brain versus a woman's brain, we don't have the same into
personal skills. So as women, we can sit with our friends, we can talk to ten thousand people, and we can take in everything that they're saying and consider it.
Men don't do that.
That's the reason why in their friendships they don't have to talk about birthdays and stuff, and they don't trip if you miss a birthday party because they don't have that same interpersonal effect. Yes, it's certain things in the brain that just it doesn't signal the same. So we have different hormones as well that send different messages. So when we look and say when we have these conversations, that's why I say women need to have friends when
we have conversations. For men, if you come and dump back to your point, if you come and dump all of this stuff on them and they keep hearing it and it's on repeat, eventually it's going to become white noise to them. And that's the reason why you sound like you're being That's why you feel like you're being dismissed.
They can't process it.
I had a conversation recently about what I share with friends, and I think keeping any major disagreement private and something I never really did before. And we have this conversation of do you really need to share anything? He asked me, do you always feel like you need a sounding boy if we get in a disagreement or can you ever work on it with your own And I was like, yo, wait, wait, Katy got a face, what does it it's a real
question that I had to sit with myself with. He was like, ain't not mad when he asked it all? He was like, do you always need a sounding for you? I think, yeah, why, I think I've always had it? So you don't try to judgment and you struggle with this not my judging.
Let me get to it.
No, I'm gonna get to it because I'm listening to what you're saying. Well, let me finish why Okay, I'm sorry, go ahead, because I do agree with you with trusting judgment. I need to vent it out sometimes for what because that feels like the release for me?
What if you write it down well that I'm not sure about to.
Write you down like I thought about that when I was having this conversation. But it isn't always advice, so it's not a sounding. It's two things, right, comfort or solution. That's what I asked when my homegirls call me now, But you want me to comfort you or tell you what to do? Favorite thing to say now because I've been a little too mean for me When I okay, so sounding, I guess word to my head is listened.
But I really don't need the advice. Sometimes I just want to be like, Oh tell me then, if I'm that person, is that still something that's a problem. Should I really just be getting angry on my own or is it okay to release it?
It's okay to release it. I'm still curious as to why you need to vent it to other people. I want that answer. I honestly don'tn't know. I think it's an only child thing. I think that maybe it could be a cop out, but I really believe this. My friends with siblings seem to be in him included, seem to be a lot better with managing emotions alone, and for some reason I can't do it, not in this super needy way, but I kind of do like and
enjoy having someone there to hold my hands. I'm not going to get too clinical, but I am going to ask you, when you were younger and you had to process certain events and process the transitions and things like that, who did you talk to as an only child when you had things that were going on in your life. Who was the person that you were able to talk to about those things?
Nobody?
If you?
So you were self comfort Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it.
Oh, so that's the reason why you need it down that that's the reason why, so that self comfort now can feel like a threat to you internally, you've gotten to that place to where it's like now I have a sense of security when I can talk and I can be open because I didn't have it, You're shifting dynamics.
I'm not gonna lie because baby, I'm in a place where I will take it to the grave. If I know I don't care about what anyone's gonna say about it, and my decisions already made up, that's when I know I don't share anything. If I've already made the decision in my head, I have no reason to share with my friends what I'm about to do. Or I don't need a soundboard, I don't need to share it. I'll let you know when I do it. I don't do the as soon as I know, I don't care what anyone says.
Maybe I ain't been to, I ain't shared. I'm just I think for me, I'm not gonna lie for major arguments. I actually don't do it those and it's not really because I don't want to. It's out of respect for the partner I have. I'm not gonna let you know that this just happened between us because it may have something to do with him or meet this personal when it comes to the little ship, like that whole tep argument I talked about. He wanted me to fast yea for some fibraid shit.
I'm like, but I'm bleeding. I can't fast. He's like, you don't want to get healthy?
To me, this is small, right, That's something I'm gonna call my homenger about every time. But when it's real deal, I feel like I can. I can manage it. However, I do like getting on the phone and I realized some people don't necessarily like or can't handle that. One other thing I wanted to bring up that you kind of just taught me about myself in a breakup I
had before with betrayal and pain. I didn't realize how codependent I was on him until this moment because he was the one who hurt me, but he was also fixing it.
I didn't want That's narcissism. What That's what a lot of narcissists do.
It was trait of narcissism. I know, like that was a wanted it. No no, no no, but like that's uh, it's the highs and lows of dopamine and them crashing you and then being the to be your savior as well, like yeah, but I get that, but no, no, no, people are intentional about doing that. Let me, let me hurt you to save you.
I don't think that was what happened to me. My ex wasn't necessarily that. But basically what would happened is if I got angry at him, I didn't want to release it to anybody else. You didn't want to talk to anybody else. I kept it in house with if I was sad, if he cheated, if he did something, I was like, okay, well I have to solve it with him. And that is real codependency. I don't know if that's narcissism, but that to me, it was me that sound like no, this one this codependency.
One.
Codependency falls on the spectrum so you have certain people who need to be needed, and you have certain people who need other people. So she falls more on the spectrum of I need other people. You were you were using him, Like if you're using somebody to help you heal, to help you feel secure, to help you feel stable, to help you regulate, and you feel like you can't do so that's a form of especially when he fucking hurt my bod.
I want to make sure we get into the history of marriage here, and before we start, I do have a quote that I don't like to read. This does come from Marriage, A History How Love Conquered Marriage. This is a two thousand and six book written by Stephanie Coomes, and the quote is what marriage had in common was that it really was not about the relationship between a man and woman. It was a way of getting in laws,
of making alliances and expanding the family labor force. Now, why I wanted to bring this up, and there's a few different things in which I want to dive into in terms of the history of managed marriage, is because for so long, which is kind of where my brain still is, we have now gotten to a place where marriage is for love. You are marrying for love, and now it is completely removing what actual marriage was about, which was more of a business arrangement decision between families.
It was a financial one. It was why cousins were marrying each other. It was to keep the family name. The wealth only was in the family. And so I want to start there because bringing forth love as the premise leans more so into Christianity, And I only want to talk about where we see marriage today and kind of how we've gotten so far from what it is, because that's where we lean into monogamy. That's where we lean into well I should marry you because I love you,
or these timelines. Right, yeah, Well if you really liked you, he would have proposed to you back now, So can we start there. It started about in the nineteen fifties where we started marrying more for love.
It was actually earlier than that, earlier than the fifties.
Can we talk about it, Yeah, because it started with the church.
It was at a time it was more so on a romantic era.
Is when you start seeing the shift before it was for the lineage, it was for yeah, yeah, because at first, if you look at the roots of marriage, it was for lineage, it was for wealth, it was us to keep the family name.
It was you know, forming alliances and things like that.
Yeah, all right, keep it in Okay, I'm not gonna lie.
They did do that.
It was such things as a brother marriage where they they actually did stuff like that. So stuff like that did happen. And then there are certain countries and stuff like that, like Saudi Arabia, Susin, African and Asian cousins.
And one of my friends told me, who's running that your father is her mother's cousin, and she told it to me because she wanted me to know. Like, I don't want you to judge this, but when you come to this family event, like they're all connected.
Yeah, so a lot of times you saw them marrying like relatives and stuff like that because most times, traditionally they shared the same value, so you already knew that they had a suitable partner to begin with. It was already a suitable spouse. You didn't have to do the looking and stuff like that. But in regards to now, which I don't like. In today's time, it is like it's marriage is polished. It's polished and it's advertised as
it's supposed to just be about love and romantics. And it's not like I'm a true believer in my opinion that you're marrying for yourself and others. I don't think that it's just for you. Yes, you can have personal fulfillment, but we're thinking about our current generation, the generation after us.
Plus marriage does strengthen communities as well. We're looking at the community for the community, for your own personal community, your own personal community, like with your children and stuff like that, your children, your family, not necessarily the outside community. Just I'm talking about familiar backgrounds and familiar community. So for our own personal families, we're bringing families together, we're multiplying. When it comes to wealth, we're investing, we're saving, we're
doing stuff like that. But we're also thinking about the future generation of our kids and our cousins and our and.
We're talking about the health of just the family, the community we lead into finances. And so I want to ask you, then, do you think it's contradictory then for monogamy to be tied to marriage the way it is, because then that limits multiplying, That kind of limits the resources that you have because you're only supposed to be with one person. Clearly, me and WEEZI are ethically non monogamous.
So with the Church being such a premise as to even why you said marriage is a thing I was going to do because I'm Christian, monogamy is also a Christian thing today, even though in the Bible that wasn't necessarily. A lot of people had multiple wow. In the Bible.
In the Bible, polygamy was real in the Old Testament. Let me see Abraham, Jacob, King, David, King, Solomon all had multiple and they did it for the exact reasons that you highlighted previous. It's not until a New Testament where Jesus started referencing monogamous relationships. But the Bible never said polygamy was wrong. It never highlightedmy was wrong. What's the one for women? Why is there nowhere where women can have multiple hookands?
There was times where women did. They did it.
The reason why they prefer for men to have multiple wives is because they can duplicate more.
They can have more children.
You got one child, You got one woman with ten husbands and she got to carry a child for almost ten months, versus you have one man with multiple wives, and we can replicate. We can process this faster, we have more hands to work and do stuff like that. Although I am a Christian, okay, talk about it at my core I am, I still have to I can't be a walking hypocrite and say that the Bible did not reference that there was polygamy.
It never said you cannot be a polygamous person.
It just highlighted the complications of polygamy, like for instance, Jacob Abraham, their wives had tension, they had jealousy, they had rivalry, and yeah, King Solomon, it just it distracted him from God. But the Bible, when I have read that Bible throwing through, it never said you cannot be polygamoust. It's just it was referenced so much in a New Testament that this is the dynamic that is supposed to different.
Things though, because polygamy is really especially like referencing a big like a show that's where America got to see sister wives polygamy, like it's a man taking care of these households. This is not ethical nominogamy.
Okay, well if you're.
If you're talking about ethical nonm monogamy, well that's that's different I'm looking at. I'm only highlighting polygamy because of what you right, well, and I want to keep it. If we're talking about ethical nominogama, we know there's different factors today.
I want but also yeah, like I think it's hard to we're talking about marriage and nominogamy. So I just want to say, like, as someone who's nominogamoist, this is a sexual thing. This is sexual pleasures or even for the vanity of just having another lover, whatever it is.
I'm sorry, but like to me and mind you, I've been in a throuble. I'm not saying I might not end up.
With someone like that, but it's hard to cross the wires because polygamy really is to strengthen families, right, and I don't think ethical homenogamy is.
It's not interesting.
Even though I want this life. I wanted to add too, because we were talking about the church, the babies, right, the procreation, the legacy and all those things. The early Church held the position that if you can procreate, you must not refuse to procreate. But they always took the position that they would annull a marriage of a man could not have sex with his wife but they could not conceive. So I want to ask you now because it says early Christian Church was a trailblazer and arguing
that marriage was not contingent on producing offspring. So if they're saying that if you were, if you're having sex or basically you can annul a marriage if your wife can't have a child, is there then an option where you guys see it where you no longer want to have a child, You no longer want to procreate, but your.
Husband that you can annul a marriage if you can have.
The church, it says the early Church.
The book.
I would look up the stories she told it in her book, but she says the early Church held the position that if you can procreate, you must not refuse to procreate. But they always took the position that they would annul a marriage. But man could not have sex with his wife. Oh, pretty much a woman keeping sex from is us?
Then?
Mind you?
It goes into why in the early stage.
That's not the first time the early stages, which is.
Why you couldn't rape your wife. For so long in the States, there was no you. If you were married, you had to have sex with your husband. There was no way that he was taking it from you. I want to ask, though, another hypothetical real quick, because I'm seeing it with my friends because it's where I am.
If you no longer wanted children, weasy If you no longer wanted children, but you found someone you got married, and they wanted to have children you're married, would you allow them then to have children with someone else?
Would you?
Because you love it? But you no longer. You have different family planning.
You're not compatible though I want to marry, so.
You believe you're not going But no, I'm gonna be honest with you.
We have someone right now and they want kids and you don't.
You're not already married. We believe that you can change your mind. If we get married, you're.
No longer come if she decided to.
Already.
I understand being compatible. We all have different phases of being.
We also are talking about marriage here, and I understand ending a marriage comes with a lot more when you're when when the paper and the ink is dried, right, So I understand compatibility. Family planning is a is literally something that can change over time between health. I may not be able to have your children anymore as a woman. Should I be able to keep a man from not pro creating because he wants to and I maybe not. I may physically not be able to anymore, or I
just may not want children anymore? Should I be able to tell my husband he has to accept that decision as well? And I think that's very real. I have a lot of friends right now in the conversations regarding beasectomies and their health not being able to have children right now. So if I choose to marry you because I love you, because we we we financially we're on the same way. We love each other with each other, I just either can't or don't want children, and you
do what does that look like? Should I be able to allow my partner to go have children with someone else?
So then if we're putting it in this type of situation, if you didn't have children already, okay, and the family planning has changed, yes, there does become a lack of compatibility. This is where we start grid locking on perpetual problems where it feels like these arguments keep coming up because it takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise to be
able to work through that. If your partner, if you don't have kids and they're like you said at the beginning, we could have kids and you changed your mind or you can't have them, they do have the right to leave. They don't have to accept what it is that you're saying.
They have the right now. Of course, according to the Bible, you don't.
But I'm just saying, okay, I'm speaking now as a clinician because I see the problems all the time right. If this person's like, I want children, you promise me in the beginning, you change your mind and they want that. Why do they have to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent because of that? Because then you change what you vow to. That's different.
And what about you needs to compromise by letting them start another family if you know it wouldn't make you happy if you.
Want when compromise, it makes you feel empty.
Now I really fuck with you and everything else is there. I just don't personally want to be a parent. I think, yeah, I understand compromise and sacrifice. But if I really love you, I think I would be open to you.
But built I would say, okay. If I don't want to carry, that's different. If I don't, I don't want to care.
Want to be a parent, and as a partner, I really want you to be happy and you really want to be a dad and I don't. I can't or don't want to allow you to be a dad.
But I want to be with you, And so I look at it this way. If you want a child and I don't want to carry, then I can say surrogacy, We can try that. But if I absolutely just don't want children. But I this is the promise I made when you decided to marry me. I put that commitment out there, and this is one of the reasons why you married me. You said I would be able to create a family, and I took that away from you.
That it is.
I honestly feel like it's your responsibility then to let them go and actually have the family and actually honor their values like they want to. I don't feel like the first aria constant sacrifice their values because.
Of your own selfishness. So you have a family in a marriage, whether there's kids or not. Now you need to go create another family outside of my bond to satisfy it. And I have to allow it because I don't want kids anymore.
Oh so if they already have kids, no, I'm saying, Okay.
You said you're married, and you decide, or he decides he wants kids. We already have a family, and you're saying, I let them, fuck bitches, I'll go let them have a kid.
No.
I don't want some bump ass nigga like fucking building families on some nick Cannon shit to just be outside.
I don't think it would be that. I think that that's literally what it is.
Like, if you you're not going to sleep nobody else, that's different. But if, like I said, if you just don't want to carry and I'm like, okay, yeah, but that means the kids wanting kids, and yes, different, Yeah, that's true. Yeah, So if you don't want kids, you don't want them in the house. So if you don't let them have kids with someone else, he's building a bond and starting a family outside of his home. No, we can't do that. That's going to create problems anyway.
You should never do that. But I do understand if a person says that they changed their mind and they don't have kids, I understand if they they're like, yeah, it's time to just walk away from this. But you can't force anyone to just accept. Well, no, they can accept what you're the position that you have doesn't mean they approve of it. I can accept that you're saying that you don't want to have kids, right, but I don't approve of it. It doesn't align with my value.
But it's bummy though, Mandy, I'm making home.
I'm not talking about the nick, but he's single out here making a whole bunch of he's not married. He's not married to any of those, which what I'm saying, he's not, but.
He's still breaking up homes and family.
I'm very aware of that. But there are a lot of women, my friends included, that would be fine with a sperm donor or co parenting. I'm not saying that he would be creating a broken home if the other
person is accepting of you. There's a lot of ways in which And that's what I think I really like about having these conversations because yes, from the outside of looking in you, you could sit here and be like they're creating a whole bunch of broke I think it's what we're seeing right now with Kim Newton and Jasmine and everyone saying, ooh, you let your man go out and fuck other people. It's what your friends said about you.
There's all these outside opinions, right, but if we agreed to this dynamic, it doesn't have to be that.
But sex.
Sex is not putting another life in the world if I could, if a consequences.
I think with these conversations, we keep them, we think we're going deeper, we keep them surface level. Look at the damage that it creates when you make a decision to go outside of your marital home to co parents somewhere else. Even if you to agree to it, you now have a child who is living under somebody else's roof. There is going to be some forms of psychological damage to you and to the person that you're married to.
Even if they say in the moment to satisfy you, I agree to it, once they see that you are fathering another child outside of them and you have to actually co parent with another woman and there is still some form of investment that you have to put into that home. A person can say all day they won't care. The jealousy, the insecurities, the doubts will start to show that that's a deep connection you build with somebody, like
you do. Bro, When I dated a man, he had a six year old, which that's enough time for them to you know, yeah, I remember genuinely not even feeling jealous of her, but just like wow, that's special. Like I don't know how I can compete with this moment when there's a birthday party, when there's something going on, like I feel like you can't really break that.
Maybe you can't, but maybe.
Or child you can't break family, and then that natural competition in comparisoness inside of you as a woman, you can't run from there.
Here's the other thing, the thing with your friends with sperm donors or whatever. I believe at least eighty percent of those women he had kids with would love to be when the Cannon in a romantic capacity. Absolutely, maybe even a hundred bro I don't believe that sperm donor shit with them. I believe they got a rich dude, They'll take care of it, and they were like, okay,
fuck it. But no, there's no way that these women don't have him come into their house for the night, spend time with their kids, and not want to emotionally connect.
I get that, but I do just see and I'm aware that.
With the conversations, there are women that want to be mothers more than in a relationship, and there are women that want kids and are finally getting their romantic relationships outside of who the father of their kids are.
There is the perfect testimony to someone that made that decision correctly. You wanted me to believe that Nick Cannon wasn't fucking them on a regular and do this is not just so transactional with these girls.
The only way that people can actually cope with that is to compartmentalize, and we know that's not healthie. So yeah, for those specific people, the only ones. The only way you can do that, because you're still coping by compartmentalization is to put somebody put that situation in a box and emotionally detached from it.
It's not healthy. Eventually it's going to Yes, it's not healthy.
Apartmentalizing is not how partmentalization is not healthy. Interesting, You are putting people in mental spaces, You are putting them in boxes. A lot of times people use it as coping mechanisms or to keep themselves emostly detached from what it is.
It's unhealthy, bro, can you imagine how these women feel. I don't know how many black, full black children he has. I'm going to leave that comment to myself.
Maybe at work.
But Nick Cannon made all these black babies, ended up with the white woman, Bree, and they all have to watch these broken black families while he's with this fucking white lady that he had a kid with, biracial whatever.
Now the sun is black, but like all of this is toxic.
How would you feel as Nick Cannon's thirteen year old knowing that he ended up with the white woman and not your fucking mom.
Are you kidding me? All of that is.
A white mom and a black dad, So that the whole situation that way.
I would hope it that way.
But if you had a black mother and that father, literally she didn't have no, he didn't have no babies with no black They're all good.
Can you pull up the the the women they're all like Rachel and Latina, one of they're not. No, there might be bro. He did not make a whole baby black women. That was the whole conversation too.
With one black woman, she still got a watch them with the white lady.
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
The reason I want to get married is to strengthen black families. Like most of my married friends aren't black. Like I love seeing black love and a serious commitment to that way. Like I'm so happy my friends have recently gotten married that are black. They're young or whatever. But nah, brou like that shit is wrong to me that nigga sits up there with a turbine and be whole tepping and with this white lady and had twelve kids.
No Lenisia.
Yeah he has one black baby mom, Okay, Lenicia, and.
Yeah, just don't think she's well Mariah Carey.
They're all white women.
There's no way.
I just bro I'm telling you, well anyway are Latina. There's Mariah Carey and Lenicia. The rest of them are latinathotic or mix girl. The point is that and even Maria be putting all his lace front and couse playing black lady. And now if his daughter or son is watching that, I'm telling you it's gonna fuck them up for life.
Up.
Yeah. It literally makes you feel.
Everybody that's involved in that situation, the mothers, the children, even Nick Cannon, they all gonna be messed up in the hid.
Nick definitely gonna be messed up in tenures.
Well, y'all, if you're messed up in your head or your relationship is going in a healthy direction where you're seeking out marriage and all the things, can you let our audience know, Kitty, what you specialize in, how people can book you for sessions or get you on a payroll, because I know you ain't, But also kind of the books and guides and stuff that you also offer.
I specialize in DBT so dialect with behavior with just interpersonal and interpersonal communication. So it's focused on communication and strengthening relationships. Fine, you go to Kitty Rose dot com where you follow me a kiddy.
Katy Rose is not a sex toy, you know what, Kitty roads dot com, it's gonna take me to d VT and not a fucking virator.
You know.
Hearing your name is.
Saying your name doesn't made me take it. But just hearing Kitty Rose dot com. They here, they're here, talk to me, kitty, and they make it sexual.
I'm like, it's not you talking.
To the cat said your podcast name. As we started, I wanted to make the joke, but I was like, now.
We have our before, it's okay, talk to me.
It's okay.
I'm not gonna lie.
It is very sexual.
What's to a person who has a sexual brain, y'all? I do know where I'm man.
It used to be horrible decisions that y'all gonna have to start breaking apartmentalized.
There you go, I couldn't do it.
Well, y'all. Make sure you click the link in our bio, make sure you follow, make sure you book sessions, make sure you purchase the books. There's a lot of options on the site as well, and catch kitty rolls on tour with's conversations whenever they be in and out and around, god damn everywhere. And y'all, if you want the sex, if you want to talk to our kiddies, you can support us and watch over on our Patreon that's patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions where we really get into
the nitty gritty. So this is like, this is like the things that you have to talk about before you sit here and bust it wide open to these niggas, So.
Go listen over on Patreon.
That's patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions. However, this right here, you were tuned in to decisions, decisions until next time.
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