Guess what decision we're about to make. Horrible decision.
Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of horror Blea.
This is y'all. I don't know why you want to sign it.
Don't do I'm gonna sing it that sphy I'm your girl, Mandy b AKA single Forever.
Because everybody sucks aka that bitch for album. Hey, y'all, I'm weazy and finally I'm out of the pists pool that dating is. But I really think I've used some advice for my fairy god brother. He's here, anwar who is one of my favorite dating coaches online. I don't even have TikTok, but I feel like you have TikTok content and it's my favorite to watch. So I'm so glad that you decided to do horrible today.
Thank you so much for having me.
Welcome, Welcome, I'm excited to have you here because Baby, Outside.
Of the questions for y'all, yes, I guess I'll consider y'all.
Today I got questions from my goddamn though, uh dating it has been now that I have standards, I realized how much harder dating is. Like I actually miss being a whore with no standards.
Who just wanted to come.
You know, I just wanted a good looking guy, just wanted to eat and have a meal the next day, because I was.
Like Jesus Christ.
So now that I'm not that person, now that I've gone through therapy, now that I'm a woman of intention, a woman with money at her own bag and is not looking for those transactional relationships, I find it to be a little bit more difficult to find someone that makes sense. But also was a woman identifying what I really want out of a partner. So I'm excited to have this conversation with you.
My first question is I didn't realize you were married. I don't know if you've talked about it in your content, but when you said that, I was like, oh, because one of my first questions was when single and being a dating coach. How has that been like if you've had your spirits in that.
I've always been married in a dating coach, so I've been married for almost fourteen years now. We have three children together. So just fyip people, if you want to invest in a dating coach, please invest with someone who is married and who knows how to go from A to Z.
Oh that's very interesting. Tell us how you met your partner in after that step of marriage, how you were like, okay, I need to teach people how to do this.
Yeah, so we met online like a lot of people are meeting these days. And I always tell ladies out there, but for the guys as well. Like when I was online, I wasn't necessarily taking it so seriously. So like I was in LA at the time, So I would have one app in LA and then I would have another app just wherever I wanted to go. So one week I would be in Barcelona, one week I would be in Berlin, one week I would be in Montreal.
All right, subtle flick.
Well here's the thing. No on my app, not in real life. Oh okay, see yeah yeah, because oh I knew at a certain point, and this is I think really applicable form are and successful women of color that America might not be there it for you. So you have to be open to the fact that your person might be outside of the state.
So when you say you placed yourself in there, I know, like for certain apps, and and none of them paying for this episode, so we don't have to really name any if we don't want to. But certain apps once you pay for the subscription is when you can place your location anywhere.
So is that what you did? You invested in.
Paying for one of the premium appropriate So you explored.
With the intention of having a more serious relationship. Correct, Huh interesting I have heard now I know doctor Gumar controversial and also can't stand the gays. So it's like, but you did say one thing about black women dating and going to the Caribbean and just meeting men there, maybe even Africa a different part, just to meet black men. Tell us your experience with when you were choosing the city and why those places like what.
Were just a variety?
Right?
I wasn't really thinking too much about it. Again, I think I always tell ladies, you know, there are two types of women that date. There are women that date for marriage, and there are women that date for play, right, and the women that date wait.
There are no in between.
When women are dating for marriage, I think that they take it very seriously and they go from zero to one hundred and they put a lot of pressure on themselves. And I'm always someone who is date for play, have fun and actually, in my experience it's the women who date for play that get into relationships. It's the women that speak for marriage that have a much harder time.
MMM that I one hundred percent of believe. What is the in between? Is there an in between?
I mean, I think there's always going to be an in between because everything is a spectrum, right, But I'm sharing with you what the majority of the categories are when when I have coached women in dating for the past fourteen to fifteen years.
So Mandy in particular, I'm sure she was interested in the between because Mandy doesn't want to be married, which she wants to committed relateationship. That's fine, and so that pretty much though, is marriage is the blanket of commitment when you're saying the two.
Marriage commitment, long term partnership, right, meaning like you're very focused on it has this person that I'm talking to right now, he has to be my person or she has to be my person, right that we're putting a lot of pressure on ourselves because we want to be in that relationship more so than we want to actually
evaluate whether that person is for us or not. There are a lot of women that are hyper focused on being partnered, being chosen, having a relationship, and that's what I'm talking about more so than anything else.
How do you know how long you can play? For example, if a woman does want to end up in a relationship, but you're saying date for play, which I get that it's like kind of just let all of that go and enjoy yourself, But how long can they do that before they end up in a situationship?
Or there's a differ diference between playing and dating with boundaries. So when I say play, I don't mean you don't have boundaries while you're dating. What I'm saying is that you stay free, you stay light, you're not taking it too seriously. You can take it or you can leave it.
But that that is completely different than actually having boundaries right, And boundaries are paramount when you're dating because if you don't boundary well, you won't date well, you won't be in a great relationship, and so forth and so on.
What are boundaries that would assure that you're in the right path swords what you want? Like, could you give us a list of maybe three boundaries.
That yeah for people percent? So I would say, if you're dating online, I if he hasn't asked you out within a week, you need to drop it. If you are not in a committed relationship within two and a half to three months, you need to drop it. If you are not engaged or married within two years, you need to drop it.
These are are very short numbers to me.
Tell me why are why are they?
Are they short? To you? I think that the two years, in my opinion, seems to be an age thing. I feel like if I was twenty six, twenty seven and someone was ready to marry me in two years, I'd be like, Oh, have we really experienced more yet? Are we in a financial place for marriage? I'm actually surprised you said two years. For some reason in my brain I thought you would say three.
A man knows. A man knows pretty quickly. And what I know, I get at least three or four women into relationships every week. I have an engagement every month. What I will tell you is this, he knows probably within the first six months, and then after that he is saving for a ring and a wedding. I literally have five men that are doing it for my clients right now.
Oh, I want to ask the room, do you guys know? In six months? Have you have you? Let's get a gage? We got four? There are men here do you theay women too? Okay, have you felt that for yourself? Yeah? Okay, okay, what about the two to three months? Because Wolfe told me once wolf start engineering here that he who I probably would say I've had the most deep conversations with about dating, and you seem like a very intentional dater. You told me a year, and you're saying two to
three months. Why do you take a year? That seems crazy to me to make someone your girlfriend? I think four to six but a year's fucking crazy. Yet you don't have a mic, so we're not gonna keep asking. He said that he feels like things will come to the surface after a year. Now, I just feel like a year. I'm letting you play with me if a woman goes past a certain.
So let me just let me answer that. And this is why it's important for women to have boundaries, right, because you you shouldn't be waiting a year. Yeah, whoever knows that you are at will make it happen, right, And so that's why it's important for women specifically to have those boundaries because you can't abdicate or give away your power to someone who may not know if they want to be with you or not. You have to
make that choice for yourself. You have to be in full control of your dating life, and you can't give your power away to someone else.
So I've been talking to my friends who think I'm kind of nuts. I give people two weeks and two weeks to see me, so I don't care where you're at on the globe. I feel like, if you're interested in me and we're talking, you have two weeks to see me.
Otherwise I'm no longer interested.
However, with wanting the two week mark as well as maybe send me flowers, can I ask you what is the difference between a woman showing up assertive and showing up aggressive and could a woman saying that this is what they need in order to for them feel like you're interested.
Could that push them away? So how do you show up between the two?
Well, there's a difference between It's all in communication style, okay, Right. There are some women that communicate in a masculine way and there are some women that communicate in a feminine way. Right, There's a difference between I need flowers, I need you to come and see me. I need you da da da da da, versus I would feel really connected, and I would really be happy if you came to see me.
There's a way to communicate things from a feminine energetic perspective versus a masculine energetic perpect Masculine is thought, masculine is action doe. Feminine is centered around the feelings and being. And I will tell you this, a lot of women of color specifically are in their masculine energy for a variety of different reasons. What I know for sure, and the deeper reason behind that, is because there's actually a
lack of feminine energetic love when they're being raised. So a lot of black mothers are very judgmental and highly critical, and so what happens, and also, I will just say this from a lot of fathers, they're also emotionally or physically absent. So what that teaches black girls growing up is that they can't rely on anyone. They don't have a safe space, so they have to be their own
safe space. So what happens though, and how that translates into adulthood is that now you're in your masculine you have to take care of everything. But the problem with that is when you're in your masculine because relationships are about compliments. They're about the yin and the yang. So when you're in your masculine you will attract two kinds of men. One a man that is in his dominant
feminine energy who's looking for a mother yeah. And two a man that is in his hyper or toxic masculine energy and he will want to forcibly submit you into your famlim. Those are the two kinds of men that will have So one of the things that I do in my program for my clients is I help them create a balance of both the masculine and feminine so that they can also meet people, meet men specifically that
have also a balance as well. One of the things that has happened that maybe a lot of people aren't necessarily talking about is, you know, in the nineties, we had I don't know, seventy five percent of our households that were run by single mothers, and that has an effect on how we bond with each other. I want to specifically say, this affects the way that men also
bond with women. So when you're talking about I need imn to do this, this, this, this, and be very particular, it's really a defense mechanism because they've been going through a lot of bullshit because a lot of these men have been thought to believe that they are the prize what we call enmeshment, which means that they are raised to be a bit entitled. A lot of these single mothers will actually treat these young men growing up as
surrogate partners. They call them king, they call them all these other things, and so all of the attention, everything is for them, and so they are thought they believe that that is how you are supposed to be in relationship with women, right, And that's not necessarily the case. So when you tell me that there are a lot of women that are demanding, it is really because they've experienced a lot of men that are like that. Unfortunately,
I'm not here to shit or shade on anybody. I'm here to share with you that a lot of things that maybe people aren't talking about in the context and the why behind it all.
I am absolutely understanding how you've done this fifteen years. I think just the example of why we're so aggressive when asking for these things, I've even had to calm down. I think I don't know if you believe in astrology, but I think the only thing that's helped me is my Pisce's emotional attitude that I've been able to approach things with with all the pain from relationships. I definitely have a laundry list of things for myself that I
know I need. I try not to necessarily pressure someone with them and I'm in a relationship right now, but I have found that I may find ways to sneak them in or even make mention at what I've done to other partners. Oh well, XYZ happened to me and they're no longer here. And I haven't really found a healthy way to talk about my boundaries without letting them know. This is a hard limit, and I'm curious when not
in a relationship. But let's just say, because don't want to speak for myself in the dating weeds, you know you're starting to like someone, how do you let them know as a partner how they need to show up? Because what you just mentioned about that to me is preliminary and a really good example of it. How can we do that once we're in it, once we know someone's vibe.
How do we So here's how I think about this. So we have this full courtship, right And I always tell I always say that I think women and men think about it differently. So I think men kind of go into it with like a zero mentality, meaning I don't even know her, I don't even like her yet, right,
we have to figure out if I like her. Women oftentimes will start at one hundred, right and be like, Okay, if he messes up, I'm taking him down to ninety, and we wait until he gets to a certain point before. So I say all that to say, many women do
exactly what you just said. I want to make sure that he stays at one hundred, which is my idealized version of who I want him to be, instead of letting him be who he is right, which is which means kind of I want women to actually start from zero and allow him to prove himself in a lot of different ways.
Oh.
I say all of that to say, I don't want you to tell him exactly what you want or what you need, not early in the courtship. I always think that the date three is a huge inflection point in the courtship. It shows a level of investment, and so from first conversation to date three, you're in observation mode.
You just need to see what what his homeostasis is what his natural way of being is because you can give him, you can give him the answers to the test and he can he can, he can cram and copy them and perform for a good three weeks, three months. But is that his natural way of being? Excuse me?
I feel like most of the days have sex around date three? Is that in relation to when you just said date three is an investment?
Date three is an investment? Most women have sex on date three because there's a passive enact of pressure that happens on date three.
Hmmm.
That comes from film media, all of these other things, and pressure from the patriarchy. Right, That's just something that is expected of them. Many of them understand that, know that, and feel like they have to. That's why there's like a bit of a dip when it comes to after date three, because also men are expecting that as well.
Now, interesting because it's what my werson just said, this thing about date three to me, We had sex on date three, right, And he said, I was like, what did we had sex on date four? He said, for some reason in my brain, and this is someone who can have sex with whoever he wants, right, Most men can't. He's like, in date three, if I'm not feeling an intense sexual energy, I start to think are we better
as friends? And I actually don't know if that's pressure he's putting on someone or if it's where his brain thinks from the interest of the woman. So I agree with you. It is something that people are just used to happening, because to say that you're not sure if it doesn't get there, he's like, maybe she's into me. To be honest, I kind of get it too. Remember when I was dating that guy who wasn't having sex with me, and I was like, he must not be there.
The guy from Dreamville. The same thought Date three happened date four, and I was like, oh, yeah, he wants to be my friend.
I mean to me, it's interesting because for what I know dating to look like currently, it takes so long to get to date three because people are juggling and dating so many different people at once, And not only are they not actively going on dates, they're spending a lot of time texting, having phone conversations, facetiming, dming, sending memes. There's so many actual conversations happening before you meet a person in person. And then so to get to date three.
Sometimes getting to date three can take a month or two with one person because you're actively dating other people.
So I find that a little bit.
Difficult or maybe not something that could be related to people that are actively dating multiple people.
Or are you recommending that that women date one man at a time?
No? Never, okay, good? Always date multiple. I call it Olympic dating. You need to have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medallist at all times.
I think that's the difficulty though that I'm seeing as well. I think right now with social media and women being okay with this concept, it's almost like our attention spans the same way it's related to music and now TV shows. We're upset when the whole season isn't there available to us and we have to wait even a week for a new episode. Our attention spans are so short that we're constantly seeking Okay, if he's not all.
The way on me, I just want someone else to be.
And that's what I realize myself and my friends are navigating with dating right now, Like there's just so many that after two weeks, so I'm no longer interested in him, they're just falling by the.
Wayside most of them. Well, okay, and that's that's why you date multiple men. Okay, and you keep dating multiple men most of them is exhausting.
With the gold bronze that comment you just made. What have you seen ends up being? Who ends up being the engagement? You have one a month? You're seeing relationships happen? What have you noticed when you're because this is almost like therapy to me, like I'm paying for someone to really help me date, Like I'm telling you about these guys you're giving me the advice. Who have you seen? Is it the one that the girl the women are really wanting or is it the guy that they kind of forgot about?
So that's a great question, and it really depends on the woman. But I would say half of the time it is the It is the guy that she's always thinking about. She's kind of first date been sprung, and half the time there's a grow to love, right. And I think there is a bigger point here, which is I think a lot of women have been conditioned and programmed to believe in the spark, right, that there has to be a spark. The butterflies are really anxiety.
Would you say to me at a spark of car.
Yeah, But so don't trust the butterflies, especially in our black bodies that hold a lot of trauma. Oftentimes we can't really trust what our bodies are telling us. So one of the things that I think is important I call it the slow burn, right that like, if by date two or three your attraction hasn't increased, you got to let it go, right, But don't be don't shade the guy that's currently a six, because he might be an eight or a nine to you two or three
months from now. But what happens, and this, this is what I've learned as a dating coach, is many of us I'm speaking specifically for women of color, but men of color as well. I just work with women of color. Many of us, because of the way that we're raised, are emotionally stented. So what that means is we look for connection in other ways for not we don't prioritize emotional connection as much, so we will over prioritize intellectual
connection and or physical connection. So one of the things that I really focus on in my clients is making sure that we are open enough to actually connect emotionally that means learning how to be vulnerable, sharing and communicating with feelings so that you can also see if the man has emotional capacity to do the same. That's where
the deeper emotional connection can happen. Unfortunately, well not unfortunately, but what happens in reality is that women will have to initiate that for men to feel emotionally safe to do that. But if we don't have the skills to do that, then it's going to be hard to deeply connect. So to answer your question, sometimes it's first date I knew. Other times it had to grow a little bit, and that's okay too. I recently heard this advice. I want you to tell me what you think about this.
I had a conversation with my partner about when we knew and he talks about a point that was too many. He's like, oh, I knew I was really in love with you at this month and that it was month three or four. He's like, that's when I knew I was feeling it, which we weren't in a relationship by then, but he was like, right at month three, I was like, oh, I don't want to let her go, Like I'm seeing this thing. I felt like one and a half months. I was like, oh, I can tell this, he'll be him.
A friend of mine said, that's because men feel love and distance. And that third month, I was traveling a lot. We were on tour. So that's true. So men need the space. And she said that you felt super in love when that you spent more time with him. He didn't know until you were away. Would you recommend women to give say no sometimes to dates or give it that space when men are very eager.
Not necessarily if they're feeling it right. So again, going back to some of the boundary conversation that we talked about, we want to have one to two dates a week, right. The thing that I think women need to understand is that they are they control the pace of the relationship and the emotional depth of the relationship through your boundaries, right, and through your vulnerability. And so one of the things that I think is important is to make sure that
you are in control of the pace, right. One of the things that can happen is and this is what I also say for people who have these marathon first dates, right, that you really do want to make sure it's a couple of hours, if not more. If he wants to take you out again. Let him take you out again, right. But the reason why I say that is because there's this thing called exposure bias, which is, if something is in front of me a long time, I'm going to
like it more. And so if you spend a lot of time with someone really fast, your brain will tell you, because you're in their presence, that you like them more. And when you like someone more, you will let them get away with more than.
That's how the fuck I ended up in my last relationship at the pandemic. I literally just brought this up in therapy, Like me and Weezy were on our town hall last night with the patrons and we're writing a book and she started reading a few of my chapters and was surprised at how little my ex was in there. And I ended up bringing it up in therapy today. And it's crazy, because I've been having sex now for eighteen nineteen years of my life.
He was three of them.
But even in the way that I registered that relationship now is almost like it's a blip in the matrix, because I literally say, had we not been in a pandemic, I can't say I would have ended up with him because literally we met and we spent twenty days together. But it's because literally because there was nothing else to fucking do. Nothing was open. Even our first date, we went hiking. He could have killed me, probably should have known he was a sociopath then, but it was literally
just because nothing was open. And so I literally, I think by day twenty five, was like, I love this person. And so now that I'm dating, a part of me is in fear that I maybe only even liked him because I had that time to spend because he was in front of me, because me and Weezy travel so much.
Oh yes, you weren't doing boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I was cooking for him. Did you get?
But that's what I'm saying, because of the blip and the matrix, bitch, the pandemic can't be cooking for a nigga because restaurants wasn't open, you know what I mean. So it's so hard for me to date now and recognize what that relationship was because of when it happened. And so now when I'm trying to date, I'm just like shit out of sight, out of mind, and I feel like dating is that?
So how does that work? When you were swiping in Barcelona, different places? How does that work when long distance dating?
Yeah, so you were talking a little bit about that. You were like, oh, two weeks, they have to come out two weeks. Yes, what I say is depending on the location, because actually a lot of my clients get into medium distance relationships, like two to three hours away.
Atlanta, New York medium distance. Well maybe you're thinking car, Oh yeah, car.
Yeah, car, right, So like Atlanta to Chattanooga, Atlanta to Charles, did right or whatever?
But flight too? Right?
All right, go girl, do your thing. I always say for long distance, he has to come and see you in the first month, in the first month, in the first month, Okay, in the first month if he if he's in New York and he's a well to do somebody and you're in California, it might take a while. Yeah, he might need to get to know you for a couple of weeks before making the determination that he wants to invest. In that way, even if he's well to do, it's not about money, it's.
About the effort of him coming to you.
Well, well, no, it's I'm talking about from the man's perspective. He has to know, especially if someone is smart and successful. The thing that I think people need to understand, and people coffee dates a lot of shit, but wealthier individuals will actually go on more informal coffee dates because they want to know that the investment that they're about to put into someone is going to be worth it. So they're doing their due diligence and they get to do that, right.
So this is more about is this person someone that I want to invest with or not? What's the ROI potentially.
In a three hours because the Internet is completely against the coffee the lunch.
That was actually my next question. Let's see bunks some stuff.
But I think but when you say the Internet, I think a lot of black women specifically are against coffee dates. And the reason is because a lot of their experience have been low effort and have been with men that never had the means to actually be ready for a relationship.
Or they don't live in New York where they got the Starbucks two story thing with cocktails.
Y'all have been to that thing a Starbucks. Now, I always the coffee wasn't enough for me, right, So for me, it really wasn't the effort because to me, we go for a walk in the Park Museum. To me, that can be super low effort. You're not spending money right. The coffee thing, I for some reason always felt like there's people in and out, there's to go orders. It's not a date. Vibem girl to reserve, hit the reserve more than the money. To me, a little bit with.
The coffee was maybe right after I drink this coffee, we got three minutes of talking and then I'm gonna have to shit, Like and now I got a shit on the first date.
Like that's what coffee does to me, A literal thirty minute dates, just a quick interview. But that's what I'm saying. But then I ain't gonna be able to drink more coffee. Let's spunk one more splitting checks? Oh yeah, not bro. The internet we'll fight about that. We wonder do white people fight about that, because I'll see it on white Twitter. But I know men paying for the first date and absolute for you.
They have to pay for most of the dates, okay, if not all of them. I have my own strategy and I help my clients, like date by date out exactly what they need to do, what kinds of dates they need to be honest, things like that it is very, very important that a man pays for a date because what he is signaling is his potential to provide for you. Right, I think most of us are in agreement of that. What I think the backlash from men is is that they don't want to feel like they're being used.
For taking advantage of some of course.
But also the dynamics have changed. When you look at the statistics and you actually break it out, single black women make more than single black men. I'm just talking about this.
Oh no, we know for the highest grade of entrepreneurs.
If I'm making let's say sixty K and you're making ninety K, why do I have to take? Why do I have to take? The brunt of all of this is this is the mentality. And so that's why you're seeing so so much more fifty to fifty. We to burn having these conversations in the eighties and the nineties
and even the early two thousands. Right, it has only been since you know, kind of black women have been killing the game most educated, right, amazing degrees, amazing jobs and things like that, where you're starting to get this conversation.
And what way then can a woman to say, we've gone on to her three dates.
I've heard men who after three dates she ain't even offered she ain't offered a refield, a huka tip, so that you know what I mean, Like, at what point can a woman show that she's interested without seeming to be masculine.
Or seeming to emsculate the man feel.
Like He's what I tell my clients. So, like I was telling you, four, date three is an inflection point. Okay, So one of the things that I think will be really important is don't offer to pay the check on date three. What you do is you bring a small gift to him on date three. Okay, that's twenty five twenty dollars or less thoughtful. Consider it something that he wouldn't get for himself, that is based on his hobbies,
his passion. Let's say he loves the Yankees. We're going to get him a Yankee hat or some socks or a shirt or something like that.
Oh it isn't cute, I like it.
Yeah, yeah, understand this. When you do this, you're letting him know that you're not using him for he's not a bank to you, and that you've heard him and that you're thinking about him because he just wants to be considered. You also have to understand that men do not receive presents or gifts, and you can ask each and every one of them. They don't receive presents. They
barely maybe even get a card from their mama. So when you give them a gift, what you will do is you will separate yourself from the other women out there, and he will start to think of you as someone who is a potential girlfriend or wife and not just someone that he's hanging out with.
To be your protegect And I tell you, why not joking. The last person I dated, I got him a vinyl record on her fourth date. I don't know why, but I did it, and he brought it up so often and it felt like nothing to me.
It really is nothing, but it's everything to him.
He was just like he would tell his friends. He would tell people Warrior meeting, like, oh my god, she did this gesture like she heard me bring up lovers rock. That's my favorite type of music. I was like, but I did want him to know I cared about it, but I never thought about that, and I had started to tell girlfriends about that, and then of course the thing is, well, he didn't get me a gift yet, So why am I starting to give gifts for someone who didn't give me a gift? That went Homegirls?
We got it, I think sometimes we got to watch a little bit of our Homegirls. So the guy that you know that we'll talk anyways, one of my dudes that I see. The very first time I met him, it was his birthday weekend, and I'm in the airport and I'm like, shit, I know it's his birthday. So I go and I get him two colognes, and my friend probably got on me so bad.
We could mind you. He'd paid for my flight, paid for my room.
I was having my own room, but I knew it was his birthday weekend, and so whether I would spend the whole weekend with him or not. I'm like, well, I should bring him something, And she got on me so hard because she was like, how you buying him something before he buy you something?
What kind of president is that? Now he gonna expect So the fact that your friends even brought up to you, it felt so natural for me to do the same. But in the end, talking contrary, Mandy and I got into this conversation. I love to bring this up. We talked about that same guy I cooked for and we were doing an episode with my mother years ago and she's like, I can't believe you're cooking for him so early. Blah blah blah. My mother was a housewife, so all
of this stuff had already been in my brain. Just you know, shod make that one little meal, show him how you could be. If you know, we hear a lot about women cooking for men. What is your opinion on doing too much as a woman, because we are supposed to so that we would be a great potential wife or girlfriend. How you oh, thank you said as doing too much? And still but you did just make that coment when it came to the gift. Now, in their head, that's what they're thinking.
That's what they're thinking. But that doesn't need to be your motivation. Okay, there's a difference. Right, So you're doing it because he has he has shown you, he has invested, he's paid for two dates. Right, So what you're showing is a level of reciprocation, respect, appreciation, and acknowledgment for
how he's shown up for you so far. And also what you will see if you choose to do this people that are listening, is that he will pay for any date moving forward after that because he knows that you are someone that respects and honors that.
Right.
I think this is important in terms of See, what you're talking about is auditioning for a man. We don't do that. That's performance. And a lot of women are conditioned and like you know, basically programmed to think that they have to audition and perform to be chosen. And what I'm here to do and for women to hear is that you actually get to be the chooser, and women need to stop waiting to be chosen, right, and you get to choose based on your boundaries. Right, you
get to say no, that's not going to work for me. Right, And he has to kind of be in line with all of those or he's out.
I have a serious question, not to be devil's advocation. Please please these men that are out here dating, let them be black, attractive with a good job. How can a woman not show efforts? I get the gift thing, but seriously, are we to think that there's not I just very rarely. I'm sure you can agree with this. When dating a decent guy, you look at a picture of their ex. They're not just beautiful about a great job. They're funny, they're smart, Like there's something about them. I've
been fans of two girls my boyfriends. I never compared. I never I'm get the ex. Well, what is the reason I'm talking coming, Mandy. I'm talking about men having amazing options of women, especially in these metropolitan cities. I'm never saying, oh my god, she's got more xyz than me. I'm just saying these girls are amazing, Like, why should we be feeling like they're so lucky?
Like?
Because that is really where and what you're saying I'm not disagreeing with, because I do agree that women hold a lot of power and choosing, but I also think men do too. A lot of these men are dating a bunch of amazing women, And how should there not be an audition because I'm kind of wanting them to do that for me? How are they just supposed to choose me off of great conversations from five days?
I think that's a great question. So let's take a step back, because I think this this is really important, especially for Black women specifically. So just off the cuff, for every for every hundred Black women, there are eighty eight black men. So there are literally not enough of
them to go around. And when you also focus in on the fact that they are interracially Black men are interracially dating three times the rate that black women are, there are really not enough to go around, especially in these metropolitan cities. There are probably twenty to twenty five percent more Black women than black men in DC, Houston, and all of these places. But this is the reason I'm giving you these numbers is so that you understand
the dynamic. Similar to college, right, They're actually more women going to college than men. And so what happens is these men have six to eight women that are chasing after them the will to do that have a lot going on, and they get to choose. And so one of the reasons why maybe I get a lot of views or controversy is I think that a lot of black women should date outside of their race. Oh we'll date everybody.
That That's a lot of the content I've seen. Most of the time, I see people celebrate you, but when I see me and comments about you, it's those videos, right, which to be honest.
They hate, they hate, they hate that I say it, and that's yeah, I don't want to hear it.
I personally now I know me and her recently on an episode went back and forth about it, like when I was talking about just mentally getting over the trauma of not really feeling safe with black men but still wanting to only be with and only being physically and sexually attracted to them. I have zero desire to date
outside of black men. So when that seems to be normally the answer that people give me in terms of my journey through dating and finding love, it's a little frustrating, Like personally and ironically it's coming from an interracial person, but interracial biracial. I'm like, oh wait, I'm off here a little bit. But yes, so I do want to hear a little bit more of this than to me. I understand the statistics and the odds. Again, I'm about
to be moving to Atlanta, my friends live there. I get it fucking hard, But why is that the answer?
Because there's power and choice, okay, and you don't have much of a choice. When you only hyper focus on black men, you lose your powers. So I did a lot of videos about the statistics of this, right, and if you just if you just focus on black men, you're really only looking at one and this is for relationship ready well to do. Right, You're looking at two percent of the population about to say two people thought.
That's what it feels like. I thought it was a joke.
But think about this, right, two percent of men out there that are relationship ready, that are ready to provide, that are not gay, that are not in jail, that all of this right, the emotional intelligence. What I'm telling, what I'm telling women is that when you and I'm not just saying white dudes, everybody, that you seven x your chances of being able to find your person because of the population that you are shopping in. Yeah, I'm here.
I'm here to share that oftentimes what will happen is I'm focused on Black women finding love and having the best person be with them. Right. I don't really care what package it's in. Ultimately a lot of black women do. But I do think it's important to understand that there's a passive and there's an active pressure to do so in the community. Of course, So I think it's important to understand that some of this is manipulation. Some of this is you can't do better. One. I hear a
lot you can't do better than us. Nobody wants you.
Right.
There's a lot of commentary, well, what about the black race? You have to you're in charge of keeping the black race like going right. There's a lot of commentary that is pressurized so that black women feel like they have to do this, whether it's conscious or subconscious. And I think it's very important to understand that if we were all born in China, y'all would be into Chinese men, right, So understand this right that this is also an exposure thing.
And I want to be really clear when I say this, but sensitive. This is also this is also a trauma response for a lot of our are unff failed relationships with our fathers.
Can I ask you, even even though I'm the woman with the black mother, I got the black dad, but I don't want ironically, I don't want anyone like my father.
So for me only wanting a black man, I find that difficult. However, I will say in terms of my experience with others, only hearing you talk makes sense. So my mom when she felt like she was done with black men because of just the failed relationships and she's a white woman, when she tried to step out the information that was brought back from her being on these dates was how she was hurt that none of them wanted to come back and meet her three black daughters.
So to me, knowing that my mom is a white woman, no other race ever wanted to like be with a white woman with three black girls. I just never felt like any of them races wanted me, period. And then I also went to all black schools, so that was my environment. That's what I grew up around, you know, But I guess that's how I felt it. On the other end, not really my dad, but but maybe my mom's experience.
Yeah, I again, if sometimes and it works both ways, if you have a great relationship with your dad, you want to kind of reinvent that. Right when you don't have a great relationship with your dad, you want to rewrite history so that you still feel like the void that you have with then is filled with your new black partner.
Does this connect with men with their mothers, because I want my dad and I have a great relationship. And there's one particular thing that my boyfriend just met him for the first time, and I said so much, how my dad's very affectionate and kissy and cuddly with me, and literally when we were in the car home, he's like, oh, I get it, Like your dad is very protecting one of my dad's in a wheelchair. But still it's like making sure I'm doing this and that and making sure
I'm okay and seeing where I'm walking. And he's like, I get why you think you need a man like this, because this is what you want. You watch your mom have this healthy relationships. You don't even see a guy another way. On the contrary, when it comes to men and their mothers, I've experienced, I'm very much a host, let me take care of your person, even with girlfriends, and almost every man I've dated except for this one,
has a weird relationship with their mom. So I'm attracting the guy who can't get off the tea basically because I'm that.
Girl that they're replacing you.
They want their mom to be.
But that's what I'm saying, right, that's their core relationship. So that is how many times they are going to relate to women. So if their mother was overbearing and abusive, they're going to probably be abusive toward women. They're not going to like women, and they're going to try to feel like they have control over women because they never felt like they had control with their relationship with their mother.
When it also like, it's just making me think now when it comes to dating and needing to express trauma, whether it be a relationship with your parents that are strained or whatever it might be, do you think these things need to be spoken about before that two month mark, because, to Wolfe's point, years insane. But I never really think about a relationship in two to three months because a lot of those deep, dark secrets don't come out for
me for a while. So can you tell me a little bit about what should be solved before the commitment.
That's a great question, and I think it really speaks to the fact that a lot of people are getting into exclusive or committed relationships thinking like they have to evaluate these people for marriage, and that's not necessarily the case. While you're in a you need to be in a relationship, my opinion, you need to be in a relationship with someone to see how they show up within an actual relationship. Meaning I have emotional responsibility for you, and you have
emotional responsibility for me. And I'm going to start to share with you more about myself right to think that you are going to know someone within two to three months. I always say you probably know two to three percent of somebody every week one. You're getting to know them, So just thinking like maybe you know a third of them well before you get into an actual committed relationship
with them. The rest of the relationship is continuing to get to know them and know them to maybe the eighty percent mark, seventy eighty percent mark.
So you don't think it's bad then, and I right now I can think of as the herent partner. He takes a lot of pride in not having many girlfriends because he takes dating more serious. However, on the contrary, if you're in relationships for two to three months as a woman, he's like, you've had so many boyfriends, I can't even keep up. But I was that girl too, like, oh, if we're not you know exclusive amount. So do you think it may be wrong for people that are jumping into quickly.
Well, I think everyone gets to date however. They want to whatever feels good for them, right, and I would never want to deny someone if they feel like they're ready, even like my clients sometimes they feel like I'm ready and it's been two months, right, I might think that's wait another month or so, But if they're ready, My job is to help my clients honor how they feel, what their intuition is telling them, because I feel like an intuition really will not stray you, right, and I
want to make sure that women do trust that because it's very important in the dating process. So, if you're telling me that you are ready, who am I to say that you're not?
Can I? Can? I ask you then a question, especially with this being a horrible decision, setting a note on my phone, especially especially talking about intuition, What if I have the intuition to suck your dick on the first night, What do you tell your clients who maybe introduce sex
early on with somebody? That was my question, they continue to have sex and then feelings evolved, or like, how do you make sure that you're not cut off or just seen as the fun girl or just the sex partner if you actually do want more.
But I don't want to call it a mistake, but you you has into a category.
It's Steve Harvey's right, but you will be moved into that category.
You will be moved into that category.
First night.
I spoke. I spoke about this in a video, and I think that men often put you in categories very early. Whether you are kind of the desperate girl, whether you are the good time girl, He'll put you in a good time girl, whether you're the good enough girl, whether you are the dream girl, whether you are the out of his lead girl.
Right.
That was a video that I did a while ago, and I got that concept from a profile called Feminine Universe. Yeah, and it it is one hundred percent correct. Now I'm someone women, y'all do whatever you want to do as your body, right. I know for sure though that it probably will not help you in the courtship. A couple of things happen one when no, let's just say sex in general, right, I know that women get chemically bonded
to men when they have sex with them. Most women, some women can hit it and quit it and not think twice. You will be And we all know that girl. Yeah, that girl right here who is he? You know, who has had sex with the guy. Everyone around her knows that that guy's not worth shit, but she literally is addicted to him because she is chemically bonded to him based on the orgasm that she had. These are all chemicals and hormones that are happening that are affecting the
way that you're reasoning. On the flip side, what happens when a guy has is especially early on and the emotional connection hasn't really happened, is he has a bonding hormone called vasopressin, and his vasopressin will decrease after he has sex, so it will make him want to This.
Is science science. Sciency was not clarity. Now I want to ask you, guys, because from I have so many male friends, what you just said completely agree. One of my male friends is in his mid forties, dating divorced. I really think he just said to me those words, I met my dream girl. I don't know if, like I'm ready for her, that's what he said. I don't know if I'm ready for her. But like my dream girl sent me a photo, told me your job, and he told me about a fun girl. And I'm like,
oh my god, what you're saying is so true. The list in his roster is literally broken up into that. He even said one day he had too many fun girls on the roster. He's like, now it's time for usmart one and we're laughing about it. He's single doors right, like you're in your face, But like, would y'all agree you have those we keep Really, I don't think this
group of guys is like that. I disagree. I don't think this group of guys I talked three out of four about I've heard them say mainly, I mean Wolf was in a relationship. There is in a relationship, and so we've talked so much about that. But yeah, I mean I think y'all have even said stuff like this. I mean, especially you, Dave. But it's fine three am Drug Talks.
Show and you probably about like a gonna answer me.
These guys are I'm going to save the room, And she's like, actually, no, don't say them. They don't want to be saved. That's crazy pie theory. I really loved what you said. I think that would help women so much. Just hearing about how to date? Can you tell us a little bit about how you came up with that and if you've if you've learned that throughout the fifteen years, if you always kind of started with that.
No, No, it's something that continues to evolve and develop with time. Right, So PI really stands for a physical intellectual and emotional connection. Right, And I always tell my clients and for you all out there as well, you want to after every date, after every month, you want to be evaluating how the date was and how he is physical, intellectual, emotional, and take the average of that.
Right.
So, let's say he's a seven physical, but like a ten intellectual and emotional. I want to let you know that's the tea code that you want.
But I actually go like a ten seven seven seven.
But that's what I was saying before, right, that we many of us, will hyper focus on the physical because our emotional we get to develop it. We need to develop it a little bit more so because I know that if he starts out at a seven, he might grow to a nine with time. Right. So, but I also want women to also take into consideration the financial Okay, right, hi is its own thing. But he might have it all. He might be hot, he might be smart, he might have emotional capacity, but he might be poor.
How can you ruin your life? Okay? I mean I think that that's what you have to consider. Now.
You you might, you must like you must, it will. But the other thing is he's gonna bring me one with two especially if you are dating and you are a smart and successful woman, you need to find someone that makes at at least eighty percent of what you make.
Okay, I like that math.
Why do I say that a man who made significantly less than you do will always feel emasculated, will always feel inadequate. And what that means is that he will try to humble you, and he will try to bring you down was this level so that he feels better about himself.
Yeah, I did not see that really with my ex until the growth, So I hadn't really expect to meet someone that was making eighty percent of what I made, But I realized through growing there were a lot of little comments. He wasn't an abusive guy or really even a mean guy, but just this little stuff for his own ego where he would start to say, oh, you see how now you're doing your photo shoot with essence? I remember that day who puts you on to wear
and stuff like that, And I'm like, who cares? Literally just say all look good? But I agree, there's these little things they'll try to pick out to make you feel smaller. And I do see some differences with financial status in today's culture. I'm curious a lot of women or meeting men because it's so easy to access a celebrity, a podcaster, an athlete. What has been your advice when women are dating famous men, Because I haven't seen that my friends have been successful at all with it.
Don't simple don't.
Or let them be yours or toys.
Even that can be really tricky, okay, because you will get enamored with the lifestyle and then you will want to really truly be a part of it. Okay, I say don't be for a number of reasons. So let's just say athlete right all day every day. This person is the center of attention, so by being in a relationship with him, you will you will always be a second class citizen in your own relationship, okay, which doesn't
feel good for anybody. Secondly, you also have to understand that the the reason why this person got to where he is, I'll just put it for him, is that he has always strived for better, better, better. He's always wanting to improve, and he will often want you to do the same thing and not accept you for who you are, to want you better. And if he doesn't want if you don't become better, he will cheat on you.
Why did we just have a conversation we did. One of my friends, he's making past one hundred million dollars, started dating a girl that worked at TJ mex obsessed with her. Thought she was so smart, she was in a managerial role, she is gorgeous. But he's like, I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. A few months ago, someone asked for a follow up about this and asked him what happened with her. He said, she broke up
with me. I'm like, why, he's like. She said that she always felt for me, like she wasn't good enough, but I never made her feel that way. He said, really, are you sure? And he said, I mean there were moments where I'd say things to her like you could be doing X, y Z, I'll pay for you, and so, yeah, she just wasn't interested. She likes working in retail. She came from the bottom up. He said. He kept trying
to push her. And he said, but how was I the person that's wrong when I'm just being supportive and I completely agree with you. How could he not date someone else who's another TV exec or whatever indition? She'll never maybe be one hundred millionaire. But yeah, I can see that you may never be good enough.
Yeah. The last point I will make, which I mean some girls will like this, some girls won't, is that for those sorts of individuals, you will need to be more open sexually because they may be into kinkyears yam, yeah and is and you can't you know. I love McDonald's fries and if I had it three times a day for an entire month, at some point point I would need onion onion rings.
So what so.
What does that mean? That means like I might get into men, I might get into a variety of different things, right, Yeah, So I think it's important, like if you're going to do that, be ready for that.
But also be a match for that. And girls that have always talked about sexual freedom expression, we're bisexual, and I meet so many women that are getting into relationships with men that are having a threesome because the man wants. You know, if you don't want to taste it, I
don't think you should be jumping in there. But again, I think finding someone who's with the matching lifestyle is more fitted just one quick one any revise advice you've given that you regret, Maybe that whereas the times have changed in fifteen years of dating. Even if you gave advice we being fifty to fifty, find it anything. Has there been something that you're like.
Nah, that's a good question. I think it's more specific, like it's really sometimes it's really tricky to be a dating coach for grown ass people, right, and so earlier on in my career if my client said I'm doing this, Da da da da da, go girl, do it, do it.
But what I've learned as I've continued to coach is that sometimes you sometimes pushing back does help and saying actually, I know, I don't think this is a good idea, and I'm going to tell you why to help to protect them from doing things or engaging with people that really aren't for them. So I think it's it's not necessarily a specific piece of advice. I think me not saying something when I should have is like the thing that I would regret, like, oh, you're going to do this.
You know you're going to be in his car and date one or go to his house on date two. Okay, Now, as a coach, I'm firm with that's not really kind of the perspective of my program, like, I would not suggest this, and I'm going to tell you the seventeen reasons why. Right. They get to still do it if they want to, but at least my conscious is clear and I know that I've done everything that I can to keep my clients as safe as possible.
I want to sponsor a program for someone of our listeners that really feel like they need it and may not be able to afford it. But I'm also like, I want you to do it. I don't know if we could talk numbers, but please let them know.
It's in the four figures for sure.
It's in the fourth figure. Yeah, okay, I'll do study for seed. Can we do a payment plan? Like?
Yeah, we have tons of payment plans available.
And so your program is it's targeted just for them? And how long is it? Yeah?
So I work specifically with black and brown women, and it's anywhere from six to twelve months. Most of my clients will get their guide between let's say months six and nine. But if you're in Atlanta, Texas, Florida, California is probably going to take you twelve to fifteen months.
Wow, that's a really honest answer, and that is worth four figures if it's six months to a year. Okay, Now I'm for real. I want a lot of our where hid when we do this. Next downhol Seriously tell me if you're considering this, I really believe in what you're saying. I feel like most pieces of advice I hear maybe don't relate. But a lot of the things you've said have either worked for me or I've heard elsewhere.
So I really believe in this, specifically for black women that are listening and that I know we've had so much trouble dating. This show is what USA at eight years at eight a A it's seven seven and change almost eight. We wouldn't have content if they weren't bad. If we had you on episode three instead of four hundred, we may have not about a show. So please samples off. We in at four hundred yet, but keep going. Please tell people where to find you and how they can connect best with you. Yeah.
So on socials, I am dating coach anwar A and w A R. You can go to my website get your Guy Coaching dot com if you are interested in learning a little bit more about what I do, or you can book a call on the website if you want to figure out a little bit more about my programs.
By the way, if you are listening to us on Apple or the iHeartRadio app or tuning in watching us on YouTube, all of that information will be in the description of this week's episode, so make sure you go ahead and click those links. Also, make sure you subscribe Hello, leave a comment, rate review all the things help us climb the charts, and if you want more bonus content, Weezy mentioned the town Hall. Make sure you join us on Patreon. Once a month we record an episode with
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I'm literally just thinking it up. Pricing this is just sorabdd. My homegirl just paid twelve thousand. She's in her forty she lives in Atlanta. Maybe it's millionaire matchmaker, not just matchmaker. I think she's like finding someone that's just like really targeted and serious and just for you to say it's four figures. I'm like, I do think that is probably nine.
By the way, can I just say something, if you're a black woman, do not get a matchmaker. They will, they will, don't ever get a matchmaker.
Now we gotta do a part too, dating coach versus matchmaker. Okay, okay, there's something she she hired a matchmaker, not a coach. Yep, understood.
Well I know she did, he said, I know.
And that's why your friends saying that's what. Thank y'all.
This has been yet another episode of poor decisions. So I guess before I started, I I wanted to give like my own voicemail to you guys, because I would love to know your thoughts.
I'm recording with Weezy in a little bit, but I'm like.
I don't have my thoughts all together just yet on how to express this, and so I just kind of wanted y'all to drop your comments on maybe where I'm at. So I had therapy yesterday and I'm in this weird place on battling if.
I'm a good person or not.
And it's because of my current thoughts in how I want to show up romantically, how I want to show up for people, like right now I hate people, which is crazy because I'm a very social person, but I have recently just feel like I felt like my my social battery is completely drained and where normally it recharges, bitch, it's not. It's it's not recharging how I'm used to Romantically.
I'm in this kerfuffle, right, y'all have heard by now that I went on a date with a couple, and I'm trying to figure out even if my need to want to be Polly is so that I could only give but so much to somebody. I'm battling with the idea that a relationship you have to give someone your all, and baby, I don't have it. And I don't want to show up the bare minimum in relationships because I know I put so much effort into my friendships and into my work, but romantically and in terms of even
making new platonic relationships. Your girling got it. And I don't know if it's because I feel like I've received the bare minimum when I gave my all. Also, just like and y'all know, I no longer have that other podcast that relationship. I feel like I am what's the word, I'm not mourning it because I don't miss it. I'm not grieving it, but it's one of those where it's like, bitch, like, for all that I've done, this is where I end. And to know that that's like the same feeling I
had with my last relationship and my ex. I am really just like I fucking hate people, And so when I'm questioning if I'm a good person or not, I'm just like, is it okay that I only want to show up and give the bare minimum right now?
Like?
Am I allowed to be this selfish and it be okay? Like am I able to say I really want to see you tomorrow and then maybe I don't want to text or talk to you for two days?
And is that okay? And is that acceptable?
Like because I accept it, Like I don't need someone to hit me all day every day. I think you guys heard me and Weezy go back and forth on that too, Like I think that's why a relationship right now just sounds like everything I would hate.
But is that me just wanting to show up as a shitty person? I don't know.
So if you guys, if you understan what I'm saying, write it in the comments.
Is being selfish? Does that make you a bad person.
Does wanting to show up in a way that only serves you bad am? I like, drop your I hope any of you guys are even you know, I actually don't hope any of you guys are on the same plane as me right now, because it sucks, like because I love giving. I love being a giver. Y'all know that I'm a pleaser and baby right now, I just I don't know. And it's been it's been since it's
been this year. I think touring with Tonight's conversations and being around all those rooms and all those personalities for about five months, touring the breakup of see the thing is a weezy and ized relationship demands a lot in order to just communicate effectively, finally getting over my ex but running into him and reliving all of those feelings, and then just business wise, like people just being shitty, the Internet being really shitty, and I think a part
of I know y'all will say, bitch, stop reading the comments, bitch shop reading the comments. It's a lot harder than you guys think, and so I think it's difficult where I'm questioning how I show up while the Internet is also telling me I'm undeserving of love. I'm undeserving of you know, Aman, I would never put a ring on my finger anyway, So bitch what you're talking about? So you just called a segment from our bonus content.
Over on Patreon. We have so much more bonus content, BTS live episodes, hundreds of hours. How are you not subscribed? Go right now Patreon dot com backslash Rebel Decisions