EP 314: Dating Dangerously (Ft. Akeem)

Guess what decision we're about to make.

Horrible decision y'all. Welcome, y'all, Welcome, y'all. Welcome being Beninos.

Y'all to another episode of horrible decisions. I'm your girl, Mandy b a k A pet the Stallion a k A that bitch a k A.

Mandy Beskins girl.

We eazy welcome everybody.

We have a guest that y'all loved so much last time. Okay, and if you would like, our audience liked him.

The internet did not. I don't think that's true.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, you don't be on Twitter because you still.

Did you.

We got key back on the building and you know what, if y'all are unfamiliar with a keem a k A U haul story.

That's all we gotta say.

It was a good it was a great story. Thank you. The thing is Twitter.

It was mixed reviews like Twitter show me love and what viral on black Twitter. But so many people were like dragging me. But that's because they didn't know the context of the story.

Context.

No, no, no, no, what context would have made that story better?

The fact that I'm telling it on a podcast that's about crazy stories like they thought it was just like a like I was not like a political podcast. It's like, oh, by the way, I fucked two white niggas in the back of you haull what happened?

I disagree.

I think the story was fucking nuts. The story is. The story is not damn it was. It's not that bad.

If you know we're sharing the war TALESGA, what'st the show and we're shot?

We were shot? Now here's the other thing too write.

So the premise of where it went viral was someone saying, if I gotta see this, you gotta see it too. Now when I went through the goddamn comm it's mine viral, hundreds of thousands of views, all these things.

People were like, some things should be taken to the grave.

Yeah, is that one.

Of those stories that anyone else, even in your life, knew about? Or were you like, Oh, I'm gonna let them know.

I'm stage before I tell as a joke. Obviously it's true, but I told the story on stage. I look at you like they laugh. It's a funny story. But at the same time, it's like, I don't some things you.

Take to the grave. Whatever. I'm a comedian, I talk for a living. I'm not taking none of this.

No's they're real judging I haven't well. And then that's the thing too, we have. We're in like this weird climate right now where things can be either really funny or really dark, and people take things they're so sensitive about it so literally. What I saw is when it went over to gate Twitter, they were like, oh my god, he's making us look so bad and like and that we they were so unstated.

The gas Gage were after me, gag, I hear all the crazy shit.

Gauge not a monolith. I'm not saying a gay niggas is ho. I'm saying I'm a hole. Like I don't speak for all gay black men.

They were gay.

Black men with husbands and families and living their dreams and being monogamous and being born and living the born dream happily life. And I'm out here it's like a tick in the back of you haul and it's fine. But I don't speak for our gay people. And some gay people were like he should be ashamed. I'm like, why, why why would I be ashamed of what I did?

I get it. It was dumb context.

Sometimes when you're watching something online like I've seen a lot of clips, probably be like even me. I went on a podcast conversations with z Yeah, and I thought it was one of the best interviews I ever had. And I was telling a joke about how I was like, man, I don't know if I got.

Whack plusy or not because niggas love my head so much. Of course, Yeah, that's because the clip.

Yeah, yeah, it's always a clip when you're like, this is this gonna be a clip?

But although when I was telling that U haw story, I'm like, this is gonna be a clip.

Yeah, let's figure out what the fuck your goddamn clip is.

Knew what it was.

So today is about horror stories and ship But I want to do some icebreakers.

Would you rather, Okay, here we go it.

Would you rather have the best sex of your life for one night or mediocre sex every day for the rest of your life?

Oh? Medoc for the rest of your life?

Me too, You only want to suck one more time?

Oh wait?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, that's you're never gonna have sex again?

No? Oh oh no, do me up with mediocre. I guess I'll learned how to come from I didn't know it was that. That's the terrible though. Is anyone picking best sex for one night for one night not then you never get the unless unless you know it's gonna be your last night.

I mean, I'm not gonna Years ago and I still masturbate so that one time.

Those two dudes who I hooked up with, that I still think about and I wish I could see them again, but I don't.

I don't know their names.

But there's two random hookups I had and I was, yeah, I still think about them all the damn time.

Really, yeah, Wow, you didn't even get about name all the time. What do you all know? I don't think. Oh it wasn't it was? It was? It was it was a Dominican dude. I get good dick.

I need to see you again. How do you get good dick and then don't even get there name?

Even I was dumb. It was a Dominican dude. And then it was it was his skin dude.

First some you ain't get his name. How you knew he was Dominican? He had a tattoo, he didn't.

Seem like you, he was dark skin, had an accent.

You can tell Dominican niggas, can you? I think it was Dominican. It was also thank you, this is where we're going.

You think he was?

It was in Washington Heights, dominic Yeah he was.

Why was he so unforgetting?

I don't even It was just like I don't know. It was kind of like, really, damn, I should have told the story. It was kind of really kinky. So I walked in so this particular I'm verset time, y'all know this, but this this story, I was bottoming, and it was just like, really, I walked into his apartment.

He had a man, he had a mask. Yeah, he had a mask.

Oh you didn't want to know?

And you see, yeah, yeah it was. It was hot. It was like a fantasy type thing.

And was it a nice apartment? Maybe he was.

It wasn't nice.

No, I talked about that though. I love the ski mask point.

Yo.

Yeah, he had a ski mat and and I talked.

Like a mask mask but like like like a ski map.

But does that not scare you? I mean, don't get scared. Clearly that's why you were to u haul. You were just going to a stranger's house.

And he's asking the wrong questions.

Yeah, listen, it was hot. So the dude had a mask on and we fucking. And here's the thing. I looked like, I'm Spanish, but I'm not. You do so he was like, he was like, he was like, he's like he asked me, he said, hey you, he said you're you Spanish?

And the sex was so good. I didn't want to say no.

Like I don't want, I don't want, so you said.

I said, yeah, I'm Spanish, and he's like, oh, nice, talk to me in Spanish, and bitch, I don't know Spanish.

So I'm just like, oh, dick, you did it. I didn't know what to say it.

I was like, don't do don't a bit protective, like where's the library?

Where is the library?

Sounds like?

But the sex was it was, he was, it was. He was like, he was like one of those those gay thug niggas.

Probably, I mean, he might be download.

He might have been download no no, but he said it in a Spanish accident.

He might be he might be down.

Wait, can anyone can we try to figure out how to say something nasty and Spanish?

What do you mean? Like I'm saying no, you'll speak Spanish?

Nigga, no we Spanish? Yeah, no, I don't know I.

Just I just kept on saying, see what God thought.

That's what I can't chop d d man that want? Do you want? Can't blow jop?

Blow job is not a Spanish word, bro, that's it. How do you say blow job? So blow blow a job or two different words?

You're not job.

I don't think that's true.

I think someone's gonna comment on this video in Spanish and tell us about it.

And we're gonna be like Caesar translation, what's the what's the next? Which macau So? Would you rather ship on your partners dick every time you have anal sex for every time you come it's bright green?

What would you rather come baby? Same? Yeah? I don't want toel.

The only problem with women is like just imagine you creaming on a dude.

But I mean you also have to tell them. I would tell them before before. Hey I got this, I got this uh weird thing. It's not dangerous. It's gonna be green.

If I saw green come come out of somebody's dick, it's giving funk.

By the way, blow jop sex so or rale to bather and my mother boom boom it does so like but not a mama too.

Father in my mind.

All y'all got your shoes show and I wanted Okay, so last one.

Would you rather sleep with someone you think is ugly but the sex is amazing, or sleep with someone who's fine as fun but the sex is trash mm hmm.

I'll take some ugly deck quick. Nah, I'll take fine as.

Saying we did say I get wet by looking at finding Yeah because aesthetically, yeah, that can turn around.

Also, I could if I'm the one sucking. I don't care, like you can't believe it's kind of wait, let.

Me think this through. Oh wait, you don't I say ugly. I be finding cute things and ugly niggas if it was actually nigga. I think it's ugly, Like I got someone in my head right now.

I don't want Jason with a three inches I don't want.

I don't I don't even want. I don't even want you.

I don't even want four play with an ugly like you gotta warm me up, ugly, so I'm gonna be dry.

Does he ugly and he has a small dick?

Nod?

The ugly is the best sect.

Ugly is amazing sex. Okay here, okay, I'm sorry, ski mask is I feel like he was fine.

You feel like he was fine.

You just had that energy that he was fine. Oh if they do be having that though, he just had that. And I won't know face I give you that, I can tell. I know you're going to judge me.

Where did you meet him?

It was grinding hook.

Up and you went to his house. He had a ski mask and you don't know what he looks like, don't.

Know his name.

Nothing.

That does sound kind of hat that sounds dangerous. It was, yes, I make mistakes, you nigga, you would do it again.

This was I don't want to say how recent this was, but this was.

This was two days ago.

It was two years ago. Yeah, it was two years ago.

Okay, wait so and during the wow, I was gonna say, well, you weren't in your thirties yet, but never mind for the vanilla ship. This week, here we go talking about the gays again. Pope Francis says the Catholic Church's ban on priests having sex is temporary, lifted a thousand years, they've had celibacy rules and they're open to reviewing their policy. So the Pope is suggesting that basically, even though the priests don't need to be married. They don't believe it

Yeah, because there's such an issue with what I think about religion is really like just slowly trying to like let off on things. But I think it's because they realized that gay people have money too, and they need us to tide, so like this they do so.

The slowly like it's okay if you're gay, just make sure you give.

Us which is which is Which is so weird because I know there's a separation between church and state, but to know that religions.

Are letting up a little bit more and government.

Is just down, it's weird. So basically, he had an interview. The eighty six year old pope said, there's no contradiction for a priest to marry. It's not eternal like priestly ordination, which is, whether you like it or not, you're a priest. But celibacy is a discipline. He also cited an example from a church in Eastern Church, saying everyone in the Eastern Church is married if they want to be before getting ordained, there is a choice to marry or to

There and look over bitches.

But he's like, hey, if you want to get married before you do all this and devote yourself, I guess you could fuck your wife, which I actually think is fair.

I like the whole thing is.

I think it's all sounds like.

The real thing that is like more testing is the fact that nuns can't nuns have to be poor, and nuns can't have sex, nuns can't masturbate. Priests can make money and can't have sex because women. It's women too, because in the.

Christian Church they shun a lot of pastors for going through divorces, Like I went to a really big megachurch in Orlando and.

Him getting a disource.

As a divorce faithful and he's not. But don't do that.

Don't do that.

You you you a fast past the holl come on.

Yeah, but I remember like when he was going through a divorce, it was a really big deal that they weren't working it out. Then you got all these other pastes to just be fucking the congregation. So I don't know.

To me, everything about religion is at.

On Instagram.

Maybe I have a little would you suck td Jakes? Not what I can't have that?

That's the only pastor that came to mind.

Nice, you don't know who t d J?

The name?

I know the name the faith affiliated with. Wait, TDJ, your pastor t making millions and we got a million dollar door. Think about the money?

You I always think about the money, bitch?

Would you suck that d I wouldn't such. I would suck his dig just so he's in a scandal.

But you would suck it. You would suck it in the prod room.

Okay, because I want him to be in a scandal. That's what I was like. I was like, the ruined his life?

Why are you looking like this?

You know, let me show you.

TJ has kids. Do you not think that his dick has been sucked before?

He's married? Man, he's very happy. Here's just so you know. Okay, Yeah, he's always gave me some gay vibes he does.

He seems sassy because he has a good outfoot.

Because he seems sassy.

You had a lot of them in the seam.

Sassy.

I just saw that picture. He's why are you man? I'm not saying. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. There's a son's.

Hold on with sons arrest querries out uh be td Jake's bisexuality by the out alie, what do his rantings against homosexuality doing have come back to bite him in the form of his oldest son's recent arrest. His son was arrested for soliciting gay sex.

Oh yes, Lord, hallelujah, Okay.

Yeah, condemned gay people directly over to where Detective X was stood next to him with his penis exposed through his unziped pants. Suspect James committed the offense of indecent exposure by exposing his penis in a public place with intend to arouse the sexual desire of himself.

You know what's crazy about this little boosie daughter just came out to his lesbian So when you have parents, if you gonna be homophobic, just know one day, you're gonna end up having to hate your kids because they're gonna be out here being gay gay yay.

We're gonna love, but we're not happy, but we're gonna love.

Is you know what I want to see in the streets because I can't fight. But you know what I think. Boosey got fucked in prison he can get some. And then now that he's free, he's mad at gay niggas doing it so.

Extreme because we're doing it because we'd like it. He's like, I had to do it because I didn't have a choice. I'm like, well, that sucks. You should have committed a crime. I'm not here execting for the love of the game. And every time he.

Sees people likes everybody what he's gay, Jakes is gay.

Boosie boosie bad because he had a friends of husband, that's what he had to leave.

He misses this tdj's article about his son. Solicited escort like, where's one thing your son's sucking dick?

You already mad?

The damn escort?

No, That's what I'm saying. He was like, get on your knees and break but his son.

But his son.

He also made it very clear he does not enjoy marriage quality.

Oh yeah, TDJ is trash and that's your that's your pastor.

That's your pastor. He's trash. Are there? We are people that work here.

Well, it's giving queer paycheck today, remember now thursdays for you?

Taking that right back? No, I don't pastors who are who are wildly homophones?

Yeah, me neither.

Well, anyone I think who is wildly homophobic has some sort of demons with themselves fighting their own home.

You know, I thought it was so interested.

Remember when Little Nas had that video where he was like dancing on the devil and like Christians were outraged, and I was like, wait is that game? Y'all told us from day one we were going to hell? What do you think when we got down?

What do you want to do when we get down? The hell. Of course we're gonna like the Devil's dick, Like, why would we not?

He's the devil, a big old dick.

You thought gates was gonna happen? Now we have we have someone I love.

It was actually and she talked about how you could open the gates to devil dick like a portal, and you, Mandy, Oh my god, This is one of my favorite fucking podcasts we had.

Do you remember this? You jumped out of your seat, was.

Like, I know what this is.

I'm stuck in the portal.

I just feel like you're talking about a bit I don't like anymore. I don't know, you don't like.

Anyway, who'll probably believe her name out.

I don't like that the top or bottom.

He's a I think he's I was gonna say, when he's really tall, is he?

Well you met him.

I didn't need him, but I was at a party with him and I saw how big he was, and I was like, damn, you gotta be topping. He's fine. At first I thought bottom, but I think he's Whenever you could work like that.

I I think like six three six two, like two six.

Three find out, you find out he got a type, and I'm his type.

That is.

Yeah, Oh, I can.

See a little bit. I do, But I didn't know if you were like squeezing it into you've be spreading them cheeks.

I'm versatile, so I'm not gonna have you know the answer to that.

Yeah, I kind of nasty ship you be doing. You be telling niggas to push it out.

No, like a little wink from the bootlehole. You don't like a winking boothhole.

I do like seeing his raising in the sun, little fizz, little bootyhole.

The only fans fizz? Who are you?

You don't know TD Jake's remember will be two?

K Are you black? Wait? Was he is?

He?

Is he gay?

No?

Oh my god, I don't know what he's gay?

But he was like one only fans selling his asshole. I love sell your asshole.

It was very nice asshole. No, but he's cute, though, I mean, no about do.

You care about the now?

I'm not pulling up I'm not pulling up a bootlehole.

I'm serious. Do you care about the asshole itself?

Not?

Really, it's not like my I mean it's something. I mean, I can get turned on by it, but I'd rather see.

The ass Do y'all care about pussy holes? Wait?

Plus the holes?

Pitch? For real?

What are you look at? Are you just like this ain't a good pussy for me to go into it?

I think I think the look of a pussy is more of like the bulb of the lips.

The not the whole. Nobody looking at the whole. I'm not gonna lie. I never saw one in person.

You never saw a plus in person.

Oh, let's go get drunk. I showed my ploky to somebody.

Wait, you've never been to a strip club.

I've been to a blood show. So I saw it like, no, no, no.

No, no, no, that's not you should go to a strip club though.

I mean, I guess, like for me, you need to live.

Like maybe and your thirty third birthday will take you.

Okay.

I took my summertime and Sante.

Went to the strip club when we was in Atlanta, and he got ones and everything. He was loving strippers. He was telling me their whole life story. I said, you're not supposed to go into strip club. They loved the Sante in Atlanta loved.

But you know what it is, It's just like I could do my job without feeling harassed. Yeah, because at the end of the day, I think that a lot of stripers always feel this underlying like is he gonna touch me?

Like the same? Yeah?

Oh, speaking of that, I do have something that's super interesting about strip clubs in England. So it's on a particular district Derbyshire. I'm sure you guys are mad. I said it like that. I don't fucking know.

So the new go wait, what accident is this? Now you didn't know, but you said it's where I don't know? You said shot.

So the new sex club rules in Derbyshire on g string? Oh sorry, yeah, where are we at now? Mistake us to the place there's a sex establishment policy. So that's where I confused it. But it's a strip club. So the councils put together a sex Establishment policy which has new rules for sex shops, cinemas and any kind of entertainment premise. The draft policy stipulates that customers are not

Was giving money.

If you can't throw it, you probably have to.

Yeah, Or you have to pay them ahead of time.

Oh, that's dumb, dumb.

Because you're paying them based off the performance. You don't want to give a bid.

I'll pay them more naked they get. Yeah, me too.

But that's very similar to like Orlando's strip clubs. Like there's a lot of like you know, even even here in New York, you can't see pussy. It can only be topless. They have to keep their bottoms on. In New York, there used to be a thing, Uh they would either wear pastis or I know girls that would just put hair glue over their nipples because it would look still kind of nude, but not be.

Hair glue.

Sort of guys sort of especially because you know blacky.

So especially if you're you.

Know what I mean hair glue, you could just literally it's a peel.

Thing that comes off.

It's real, it's light work.

Hold on.

So this one is that's what I'm thinking. No, this one is interesting. So there's a lot of sex cinemas in this town. And basically they also had to make rules where this is crazy. So they asked the council, Uh, do you think it's acceptable to have a venue a sex cinema near like a high school, because I guess it's in too many miles. Seventy eight percent said no, Well, twenty two percent yes, you till that's twenty two percent that was going. So basically they said that they wanted

Just porn yeah, being played on the movie, yes, and people fucking in the movie theater.

I mean, probably you're not supposed to, but people they.

Got it, Oh yeah, they be fucking.

That's probably why no one goes to watch a porn and not like or at least not Jack off.

I mean, I can't see how why I would go and get the popcorn to watch this. But I am going to try to cover in sex cells this season because apparently there's two in La Wow, they're not on Google.

But there's a bunch of like bath houses and stuff everywhere. I haven't been to one in there.

I mean, I think there's still peep shows. Literally in midtime.

There's a sex all right by my apartment. We live in the same area. There's a sex door by our apartment.

Do it?

Oh? Yes, we do.

Yeah, I'm see him.

There's another comedian I keep seeing every time I walk.

You know who is it? Alex.

He's a writer on Snlo English.

Yes, yeah, every time you got him on?

No you should.

He so fun We can't miss outside with sid.

Yeah. I love Alex so much. He's so funny. He's in London right now.

So maybe he'll get to sex. Yeah alright for the whole Dugs week. Really like it. If you could give us, you know, like a tip, a sex tip, or even a dating tip could be good.

I don't want no dating advice from him.

Up to niggas he don't know his days in We gonna go straight to the sex tip.

I don't. I would like to date. It's just not it's not in the car right now.

I know that's wrong.

I don't know. I think I hear the I think if you're topping. I think.

Guys like spontaneity, Like they like they don't want the same thing.

Like Okay, we're just gonna do doggy and then we're gonna do missionary.

They like, like because you're the one topic, so they like you to be I can control, so do some kinky ship like they maybe just choking for no reason and just like because they use and and obviously if they if they don't like it, then stop right, I.

Mean you should probably ask for this terrible but no not.

The body is like if they seem like they're into it, just like, ease into the.

Choke, y'all, just ask I really want to choke more men, but I feel like straight men don't like that.

Do y'all like women choking?

Look there's too many they could be the minority.

But also it's like I'm not I'm saying ease into the choke, like you start and then because then they feel the coming and if they're not into it, they're like gesture not into it.

But I think asking kind.

Of like takes away, because I think if you asking, it kind of like takes it, takes it, like away from the spontaneity of the sage.

You rather be choked and then be like, I'm not into it, and then like.

Two things you could do if you feel like asking for consent is crazy. You can start placing your hands, That's what I'm saying, but not squeezing, right, so touching light touching, seeing if someone's comfortable with your hands.

I guess that's what I do when I be down at the gooch, I just go a little lower until I see if they scool a little closer, they they as squeeze up. I'm like, okay, you don't let me down here.

Ye think it's gay, I deal with, which is so weird because like.

If you fing in the booty girls gay, I'm like, nigga, if it's a woman doing it, nothing is gay.

I think it's like a drug a little bit.

I mean, I guess you know what I'm saying. If you think, if you think of a woman anymore.

Drugs are those things man anymore? That's what they say.

Weed is gateway, drug is a drug that will lead you to something else.

I don't That's what I'm saying. I think it's all fake.

What What is shrooms led you to d MT? What is that? Yeah?

What d MG is the thing we were talking about with the naked jumperter. Your brain can produce it on its own breath work. But like true, Yeah, I think I'm you.

Don't think I think there's a gate gateway drugs. Sure, I mean I've never done these drugs.

You don't drink.

I don't drink either, don't. I've been sold my whole life, which is the side of sex I'm having people like you're not on drugs? No, no, no, just this morning that was a sober.

The Massy was sober everything I've done in my life.

So maybe it won't calm you downin't evenna make you think more.

You We need you to have a funny brain.

At this point, all of my sex is fun and consensual and just a hint of danger.

H h ahead. Oh, I just thought a.

It's only a he because you're here to tell him.

I just thought you made it, you made it out.

I just thought of another story. That's kind of thing that was kind of give us another dangerous story. Okay, so here's the thing. I'm not like crazy kinky, but people, this happened in February. This happened like right around Valentine's Day. I'm not like crazy kinky, but I do kinky for dudes like this. So dude text me this fine dude text me. We'll texted back and forth on grinding and he's like, hey, are you in any kink? And I'm like, oh, not really, and then he sent me a picture from Naked.

No, he was cheating, so he probably was a little kiky. Yeah, but I'm not with I'm not gonnat white tied me up on Black hands.

And money, No, I can't. It was a black dude. So I go over to this niggas I was to get tied up and I don't even know, saying he didn't know how to tie knots. He didn't he wanted to, didn't know, he didn't know how to. There's nothing less sexy than like teaching a dim how to like tie Like we're both sitting in the bed horny dix hard and he's trying to keep fumbling with the not like

Like I was. It was so bad and it was weird, like niggas just.

Signed up for just washed fifty shades of gray or something. It was like, let me get a little let me get a little kiky.

It was.

He just got them because yes, I like something was like it wasn't It wasn't being tied up. It was like spanking, yeah, I think, And I had to act like it hurt and it was so awkward it can be. It was me to let and a dom that we had and I remember he had a very light flogger and there was like a feather on the end, so you knew I ain't had to wait to it, and I just remember they were both spaking me and he was like, are you bad girl? And I was like, yeah, I guess not that bad because.

There's nothing work and it's if it's your kink, you should be good at it, like you weren't.

I didn't ask to get tied up. You brought it.

Watch YouTube, Yeah that was new should he saw a video was really into it. It was like, I want to try this, and they went on grinder and got your got my.

Show, motherfucking ass.

He was fine as well too, which suck because not like the sex would have been dope, but now I know this nigga can't tie not so immediately.

It's like a turnoff. He's only asking their boy scout next time.

Yeah, it was bad, And the thing is I didn't want to be tied up, so it kind of worked.

Out because I didn't want to be trying to Oh yeah, I'm free.

I faked the girl. You have to fake it. I'm very good at faking it. I'm a real good, like exaggerated comer.

And it's the only reason like it works sometimes is because I already come so fast that niggas are just like, I.

Fuck this dude, and I'll never fucking again because it was mediocre.

But I came a lot. I came a lot because I'm gonna get myself off. And he kept, he keeps, he kept messaging me. He's like, hey man, he's like, I'm gonna come bye. I'm like, no, I'm good. I'm busy. I'm busy.

And he's like, he's like, why don't I I'm just gonna be honest with you. It was bad. It wasn't good.

Yeah, yeah, like it wasn't And he was like, he's like, you came a lot. I'm like, yeah, because I know how to make myself come. But that was because of you. It was because I was thinking of somebody out what made it bad?

Everything? The stroke was bad, everything about it was bad.

Like it was he like Jackhammered. It was just he was top.

Where someone is toping you bad, will you let them redeem themselves by being a bottom for you?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well that that was all right. Yeah. Yeah.

So here we have a bunch of horror stories from about threesomes, and after we dig into some of these, we're gonna go into some tips on what would make group sex orgies or three sms better.

Oh, this is terrible.

One of my friends decided to try anal with her boyfriend, but her dad walked in in the middle of them having sex. Because her boyfriend pulled out super fast, it caused her to ship all over his dick, stomach, and chest. The smell was so awful. He then threw up and her father saw the whole thing.

How's that a threesome?

Yeah, because the dad walked in it and this amos nothing.

That's why said I was the dad was in there. That's not a girl.

That's when we interviewed that told the story about the sheets with the ship and the comforter Medina. No, it was back in the day when we used to be the Loudspeakers ship. Who was it?

It was a podcast.

We interviewed two guys and he talked about how he pulled his dick out and he was like, it was on the sheets, then it was on the comforter, it was on the mattress protector.

You don't remember that?

I think what the dads in both ties? Yes, damn, I can't believe you remember that. Yeah, what was the messiest sex you ever had?

Was it you were in I don't really be having a lot of messy sex because I've lucked out that most of the times when I'm topping or bottom and the other guy prepares well or I prepare I've had some instances where like the dude didn't prepare well.

Which is this thing.

I have a big dick, and I'm not saying that the brag, although I am killed the game yard eight inches and it's thick, So I have a big dck and I sent pictures of my dick to people all the time.

Yeah, I'm killing the game, bro. And but the thing about it.

Is sometimes dudes don't realize how big it is until and then they don't they don't prepare well enough for it, and then it's like, and I've had it happen to this one dude who was hot, but it was like, as soon as it happens, immediately, I don't want to fuck anymore.

As soon as you smell us ship.

It was exactly, I don't want to. It don't matter how hard you are, I don't want to. You can't get hard, not even I can't get hard. It's not my int anymore. And it's like it's just are you able to pound somebody? With a dick that big, and when you.

Can yeah, sometimes does it make you feel like, damn no, I think it's hot whatever, I don't care.

Oh yeah, a buota hole be opening up.

Do you hate having to have fun because you got a big dick?

Sometimes? Yeah, that's why. Sometimes I just I just body just because it's like I don't want to deal with them. Yeah, you don't know how too.

My best friend has a big dick, and he'd be talking about that ship too, and then he'd be like, damn sometimes when I go all the way, and I'd be like, hold on, no, all right, this one is. It is about three the unexpected facial. I was in a threesome with two guys who happened to be friends. One of them insisted I suck his dick while riding the other one damn it something a good time. He pushed my head really hard into him right as he was about to come, which made me choke and pull away.

I'm wondering. Okay, wait if she I'm trying to think of that riding right. Yeah, so if she moved.

On his face, Wait, that means he must be a shooter, because that's that's even even that that's and I love that.

Yeah, probably cool. I mean if they if they smash and.

They're smashing together, I feel like, nah, I don't think niggas like that.

I think when you don't.

Think he liked it, but I don't think it sucked up their friendship.

Not I would try to like, I mean, i'd be like.

Hold on, I mean, but men is toxic. What happened afterwards?

Yeah, I'm mad that the story ended there.

The rest, but he should have been a real bitch and licked it off his face.

That's what I was thinking. That would have been hot.

That would have been maybe you could.

Have got some kids. Are these people just write in Yeah, this is on buzzby. Oh so I tell you more than information?

No, okay from Chocolate fourteen?

So okay talked at fourteen? Tell us what happened afterwards? DM the show?

Okay, Ill, it was my I'm sorry, I just read this one a little bit. It was my thirty eighth birthday and my friends and I took a bartender home. Okay, that's kind of fun. After things got hot, the dude said, you know what, I'm really into getting eaten out now. My homegirl wasn't having it, but I'd done it before and this guy was great a beef. So I decided he was on his back, she was sitting on his face.

No motherfucking way.

Oh.

I immediately sterilized my mouth with vodka and I left. I haven't seen any of them since he ain't.

No motherfucking way. A shark in your mouth?

That's like breathing hard. That's nasty.

Oh that's girls, that's the thing about that's they met.

Like, if you were gonna do any type of stuff with your with ainal, stop you of douce and clean out.

I don't care what you don't know what to do? One, why are you asking for it? If you know?

Ew he probably had a burrito that dal song.

He had to have Mexican food. I mean, he probably didn't know he was about to how you out here show.

But also why asked me to eat your ass? You know what?

They probably because they didn't know each other. He's like, yeah, no, fuck that.

I know. Like, I don't want no one going near my ass if it's.

Not It's like if I if I drank my coffee and it came out a certain way that morning, stay away from my asshole.

Okay, this one is interesting, and I'm curious to know if you ever knew anyone that happened to I was friends with a guy and we had benefits. One day we were getting a little freaky. Finally tried anal and I accidentally on his dick. Now say it, not saying huh this wait, no, sorry, this is part of the first strikes. This isn't the worst part. For months, he had an infection in his dick. Because of it, I feel awful. And it was five years ago. Oh no,

You do everything else dangerous, but you're like, I'm gonna be protected.

In this danger and before I get tested every three months, I literally just got tested two weeks ago.

You boy, Like I get tested every three.

Months because I know I'm out here being wild, I mean, but that doesn't get tested more often.

Like after I do crazy, I'm like, ooh, girl, let me go to a Washington.

Heights apartment with.

I've definitely had sex so well where I was like this, this feels like what syphilis would be.

Yeah, I had sex.

I had sex with the dude, and this is this is I regretted it, but he was The sex was good, but his apartment was so terrible, like just the most it was dirty.

It was why you was so fucked somebody if their apartment is filthy, because to me, that's indicative of themselves.

Like I said, I was young, this is off the twenty two twenty three yo. I got tested the next day because I was.

Like, why would you even still suck him?

Because I was dumb. We all know I am dumb. I mean, I am not. I'm I don't do as no, that's not true, but I don't do as far. I was okay this story, this story I did get I got saved by my yes Lord. I love pushing out here. That's my paster of this episode. That's why is a great name.

I got saved by my apartment because my apartment has We all have buzzes in our apartment, but mine's has like the thing buzzers like you well off, yeah, but mine's has like a video camera so you can see the picture of the person that you're buzzing.

Inep.

So I'm talking to this dude on grinder. It's like three in the morning, and this is during the winter, so it's cold as fuck. It's not cold, but you know, it's winter. Sometimes this dude we're sending making picture back and forth each other. I'm horny, I'm about to get I have a fight the next day. So I'm up and I'm like, okay, hey, come over. So I set on my address. He comes over and he buzzes, and

I'm like, oh, okay, buzz again, and then he buzzes again and it's the same.

Dude, and it's like an intercom system. So I'm like, yo, man, what's up. He's like we're talking on Grinder. I'm like, okay, why don't you have a shirt? And he was like, oh yeah, I just got back from the store. I'm like, that's not the question I asked you. Why don't you have a shirt? And he's like, oh, I live in Midtown. I'm like, you are not answering the questions that I'm asking you. Why don't you have a shirt?

From Gateway Drugs? He could not, and then he said, I just got to take a shower.

Oh nah, he was homeless.

Yes, it was a homeless dude on Grinder.

Did you like him?

Of course not?

Okay, I don't know.

I didn't know where that was because of course I didn't think you'll see an attractive homeless.

Yes, yes, I look.

He gave him on my number and then I realized he didn't have a phone, so I was never when we talked to me, I'm like, oh girl, his phone was.

Especially in l A.

Yeah.

I don't just get like dumped in California because the weather and there's so much homeless.

People I saw fine due to take a shower like with the holes. You know what.

It was in Santa Monica. It was in Santa Monica. It was by west Side Comedy It was a Santa Minchael west Side Comedy club. And I was walking, I was leaving the comedy club and there was this shirtless dude. I'm like, yo, he's kind of fine, and then he started, what what's happening? And then I realized he was taking this. He was like showing himself off.

Girl.

I was like, oh no, oh no it was he was like, no, yo. If I was doing better at the time, I was drugging myself. I lived in a one bedroom.

You would you would have took him home and took him home and use your Here's the thing. If I was doing better at the.

Time, I don't want like being on whatever. I guess on the house.

Who knows what's correct, But it's homeless drugs, drugs, drugs is a no. Yeah yeah, But.

I always think about who could play that game. But she cleaned that nigga up. He did have a job, he was fixing her car. But she cleaned him up and ship and I'll be like you it depends how fine.

Yeah I have. I'm not gonna lie. Like if this dude was fine, like he was okay looking, but if he was like a ten girl out of.

The game, he was a switter way too warning.

Yea he was.

He was like he was like a six six point five last one before, Man, that's not fun.

This is a threesome. One decided to give my friend's man a blow job. It was his birthday and we were deciding to get really dirty. I occasionally get lockjaw, but when I was giving this man a blowjob, he was so big and dirthy. My jaw started to hurt and I thought, fuck it, I'll keep going. It got to the point where I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out, so he had to pry my mouth open.

With his fingers. So I'll terrified.

The guy that was getting Yes, So I've had lockjaw before and this is probably like, I have this awful experience with the dentist.

So I had my wisdom teeth pulled out and.

It was the worst.

So not only was that super painful, they like cut some nerve in my tongue. So first off, I didn't feel my tongue and I was nervous. So the next morning after the dentist appointment, I wake up and my mouth.

Like was just like this.

I couldn't I literally couldn't open it.

So I went back to the justicist. I said, y'all, my mouth, my mouth is not opening. So literally what I had to do for three days. They gave me these woodsticks and I literally just had to start stacking them in my mouth to slowly open, like my mouth, how are you eating a straw? And literally until my mouth could open. My jaw was literally close for like two days, and literally while I was watching TV, I just had to keep sticking like wooden like popsicle stick so my mouth open.

That ship is real and you literally cannot open your mouth.

Yo, that's terrible. That's why I always feared.

Literally like your mouth would be like this and you try to open it, and it was like and literally my jaw would not open.

That's why I don't like like sometimes if a dud don't know how to se like dick and he's like biting every now and then I'm like, okay, let's get let's just because I don't I don't want to.

I don't.

That's a real thing that lock.

When I read that, I was like, well, you have a big, big so let's see what happens to you. Oh man, this is actually a really good one for a.

Came to be here. I'm sorry, it's okay, but it's true.

Oh wait, wait wait, sorry group sex tips, because all of these are horror stories, I'm gonna read you the best tip that I felt like I saw on here. Okay. This is from a Bustle magazine article. In it says, obviously there's no right way to have it, but it says to ask several people or be the puppet master. So start telling them how about your here, you go here, you be there, And apparently the best way to have sex is if you're the one that is the one

I like that.

Yeah, I think group sex is always it's like you used to have a conversation beforehand about like what you're into, what you like, because it's like for both parties.

I think group sexes work best for me spontaneously.

Yeah, yeah, I will tell you a lot about this group sex I had that was so mediocre.

It was what made mediocre.

Okay, so it was this is not my I I just this is not my new place. I'm a studio apartment.

You a job.

You have a lot of time to have sex with a lot of people. It doesn't just he's a comedian, Like would you be working a lot or you be having a lot of time off work?

Are you doing stand up?

Because he you just got top for a lot a lot of sick.

Because I have sex tour a lot, like I work all the time.

You know you Scottie out here?

I did not know is that night girl?

So you do all this sex though during the day.

A little girl.

They just as you could have sex after shows. Promoters keyboards dot com the tickets. You do be in a lot of cities.

I do be a lot of city. I'm doing Austin Bay area, Indianapolis.

And that which city got the best host.

Hell no, honestly some of the best. This is gonna be weird Wisconsin, and I know.

You'll like cont The hottest dude to date that I've had sex with was in Wisconsin.

What what?

What's Wisconsin Wisconsin state? It's Wisconsin, Wisconsin, Wisconsin. It's just it's like, it's just like all these places where it's like kind of Wisconsin.

You know what. Maybe they don't know how.

Cities there's so many hot people in a small town and you see some hot people.

And be like, I'm St. Louis too.

I only know about ice fishing there, and I only know that because Jack mentions it in Titanic in Wisconsin. I thought about Jack Marlow, No, Jack from Titanic, he talked about Wisconsin, Wisconsin.

It does say that you should find the right group size for you. People suggest threesomes. Also another thing, be careful about interrupting. I actually really like this one. People naturally will start to pair off in a moment, and you should be thoughtful about approaching it and ruining the vibe. Try to enjoy it, let them be in the moment and come back to it later. I like that because I do think in threesomes, people feel like they have to do something and.

You don't always I think, yeah, yeah, was so bad.

Was it was like during the day threesome, right, and it's like I've never had that. If you have during the day, it's safe to say that you're you're a degenerate, like.

To exactly. So these do two dudes were they.

Were too millennial. I think they were youngerdue it was like probably twenty three, twenty four. They were younger dudes.

They kept they were like so polite.

They were on spring break. I don't forget I asked.

They were just so polite, Like everything they did was like, oh do you like, are you okay with this?

Are you? They were just so boring. They were so boring.

I'm not understanding now you just want to choke some right, I'm like if they were, they was asking if I can say that's not the key, no, but they were alright.

They were just doing everything.

Like there's a there's a respectful way to be disrespectful. Excuse me, and they were just like, really, it.

Was too much.

It was too they were so boring. I'm like, y'all should go together, like y'all go was so boring. They was they were so boring. After after the sex, I went to go see La La Crocodile, that kid's movie. Okay, I went to see it afterwards, Yeah, but it was still I came.

But it was also this is a good group, says being prepared to have a little bit of fomo. Don't think that you're gonna have the best time ever with your first one. You may experience jealousy, anxiety, and security, but tried to sit with the feeling, accept it. Don't get overwhelmed and start showing your feelings. Which I really like this one because I've been in a three somewhere. The girl was a getting mad and I was like, okay.

Bitch, Like yeah, a friend told me your story about that.

He was in a threesome with the girl and everything was going good when the girl he was fucking was getting attention, but then as soon as she started sucking the other girl, the other girl started getting jealous.

It's three of us. Yeah, it's like I don't have two dicks. You knew I was gonna have to eventuate else.

That is actually one.

It was a foursome. It was me and two of my homegirls, and we we fucked on this nigga in Vegas and it was my homegirl's nigga, and he got too intimate with one of the girls and she she threw a yeah, she threw a fit, deering and I was like, I got a three star get going. But this was a foursome story.

But it wasn't even my nigga. I just joined in.

I really was just watching what I was eating pussy. I shared this story.

This is when actually, ironically, she did the same thing.

She was on my face and sucking I think his dick, and something happened and we all started laughing, and she laughed that she farted, but I was I shared this story.

Yeah she parted, well, no, because it was just funny. We was in Vegas. I was drunk as fuck anyways.

But no, my friend, whose dude it was, got real jealous that he was slow fucking our other homegirl, and it turned so bad she ended up booking her flight early to go back to l A.

And it ended horribly.

I didn't care because I didn't care about anything.

I was like, because she was like, huh, like what happened?

What I mean, like, if you don't have a threesome with your man or your woman. Y'all gotta discuss everything, like what are you allowed to do?

What are you're not living? Because like, if you're gonna be jealous, then don't suggest the threesome.

I think women do it obviously because the or to and the man gonna help you feel Like your home girl was a little gay that like did you feel like did you was there a moment where you're like, I can't believe we're having a three somewhere?

Her in her man, Like it wasn't her man, it was just one of her trick nextas but did you Oh wow, she still got man and she still got mad.

Oh wait, so wait does this terrible?

Sorry?

What were they both saying? What was the girl getting fucked? They ended up I don't even think they were.

They ended up being friends after that trip, Like she left early.

It was just really awkward.

It was just really awkward, and I didn't really give a fun like whispering her ear or something like that, like she he.

Was like it looked like he was making love with her.

And my homegirl got really really jealous in the moment and then like cause the whole scene and we had to leap.

Ye, So what you do get your panties off the side.

No I did. I was like, well, as long as I get my poker chips, because he gave us some.

Poker chips were going up to the room.

No, I didn't funk.

I was just eating pussy that night.

I was just a part of it. My home.

The home girl that was getting fun making up, she felt away and wanted to give me glass of the poker chips because I didn't fuck. She was like, well I fucked actually, and you, oh yeah, we had a target bit you could.

Go she sounds toxic. You don't want to say dig. You don't want to say poken chips.

You don't want to say The girl that was getting the dig that was making love felt like because I ain't fun, I shouldn't have got as many poker chips.

She didn't go through a bit of a shell.

It was.

Oh, man, bandy and weezy, Oh this is cute you put in the special guest. I've been following y'all for four years and I've listened to every single episode. I'll say this is the first old man we ever got with personal say hi to the guests as well. Yeah, I've been following y'all for four years and listening to every single episode on one of your loyal gay followers. Although y'all usually talk about male and female sex, I still learn a lot from you, especially when it comes

To be DL.

And one thing about DL, they're just not as clean and hygienic as the fem gays. So, with this being said, when I have these niggas over my house, you didn't say niggas, but I get disgusted at them coming into my bed, especially if it's just a random night when i'stand maybe I have OCD. But I hate hosting men because I have to wash all of my bedding the second they leave. Do y'all feel me or do I

What's tea? Did you go to the house?

I mean maybe he feels safer with them come to his house.

I mean, if you don't get murdered, or are you gonna get murdered, that might be real.

I think you need to If changing your sheets makes you sleep better, you need to invest in multiple sheets.

I do masculine men are dirty.

I don't like that either.

And that's like I mean, I masculine men too, and a lot of them are clean as fie.

Well, well there's a narrative to that. Straight men don't clean, and I don't have issues.

With a lot of my men.

I think his brain about I think I think he just has O c D. I don't think it Madiga masking. I don't think I think he just has so.

I think it's fine your O c D. Actually I dated someone who was O c D. Old Bay was O c D and super clean.

Here's what I would recommend, get your coin together, get you a two bedroom and have a.

And then and then you don't got to worry about it.

That even New York yeah, telling someone to get a two bedroom.

In New York.

I don't know where. I don't know where he's from.

If you win some small place, get it, get it, get us, get a place with an office, and then turn that office into a sex place. And then whenever you invite strange niggas over, you don't bring them into your You don't bring them.

Into When I lived in the Bronx, I would niggas in my in my guest bedroom.

Yeah really, yeah, that's what I do when I'm on the road. I have a sex bad. I have I get two bads. I'm like, Yo, this is my beads.

I'm gonna sleep and lit my dreams, and this is my bead where I'm gonna be a little hole in the bed.

Wait, let's just make a cut. Do they want to sit real quick? We got like five more minutes. We almost wrapped. Okay, all right, did you work it?

Okay? Wait?

Where are we wrapping?

All right?

So basically our advice is, get your paper up, get a second bedroom, my new sheets.

Yeah, just get a second bedroom.

You say, some money, and then you have a whole room, and then you don't have to worry you to close the door and whatever. The door is open, you're like, oh, sait, I'm about to be hold you. Get your homeroom, get your shirt on high point, get a.

Cute little hole room.

I like that room.

I like that.

Well they could you now they want to come see a show?

Yes, if you want to come to CSL, go to a keywoods dot com. Follow me on Instagram. I just got ten k, which means nothing but thank you, thank you, thank you. Here it doesn't mean anything.

It's because they're trying to rent you halls.

So a Keywood Keywood is my Instagram. The cities I'm going to. I'm going to Austin the Bay Area. I'll meet a I'm going to Indianapolis. I'm going to UH Dallas, UH Orlando, Tampa and a.

Few other places. So traveling for us or something A K E E M Woods dot com and uh slider.

Morning Wood, Daytime Wood Night.

If you live in New York, und and you que side of my DM.

Well, y'all we're going to leave you guys with a five minute bonus plip from our Patreon Join us, support us around patreons, Patreon dot com, Backslash Horrible Decisions where we drop bonus content once a week, including bts, as.

Well as a town hall where you get to join in on an episode with us via zoom.

If you want to turn up with us this month April twenty second, we are in Atlanta or the Black Effect. That's the Bow at Pullman Yards. So that's April twenty second. That's a Saturday. Come and check in, come see us. Hit your tickets now at Black Effect dot Com. We're gonna be there with eighty five South all of your favorite pods on the Black Effect Network.

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Now, y'all.

Think y'all follow us on all social channels and keep up with any more netfits y'all. Thank y'all for tuning in to another episode of Poor Decisions by nine. It's Bonnie's Beaches come Back, It's Nick, It's Bonnie Is What's want so on Wants song?

What accent is that?

Honey? What?

I don't even know?

You know black people that want to speak Spanish? I have to play this clip for you. Y'all know I love ninety dapis and last week I was crying, bitch, listen how these niggas talk about secrets?

Okay?

Hold on speaking of.

Uh, speaking of.

Bitch, I was a krato on speaking of everybody's trying to keep a crate toe up here?

Dog? You know what?

You know?

You know why I can't even really laugh at that because everybody this week then laughed at me because on my way to Atlanta, I was stuck on the wrong way. So I'm telling people I was stuck on the wrong way, but I know there's another word for runway.

So I was like, bitch.

I was calling it tamarack, but that's a.

It's a city in Florida.

And I was like, bitch, I've been stuck on the tamarak for alpha And it was like, bitch the what hey, where did you say that? I said, I said, bitch the Tamarack. No, I was just telling it to my friends. Then I reused the joke at the Atlanta show, but I was like Tamarack, Like, why are.

Y'all looking at me?

It's timorrack. Y'all don't know what the timarack is. And it was like, bitch a tarmac.

I said, bit y'all knew what the fuck? I mad?

That's what I thought something, But bitch, it's really a city in Florida. So but you know, of course Tim Red Florida is broward. Like I was like, shit, here I go.

Trying to use another word. That's wrong. Okay, so wait he dates a Spanish chick, so he thought that.

No, so there's a transit. Oh. Actually I reached out to him. He said he would come on horrible.

So if anybody has been watching ninetyda Fiance the other way, this is and y'all know I've been watching this about five years now.

This is my shit.

There's a trans man on this season who I ain't gonna hold you. Does not look like he used to be a woman, but he had bottom sgty and he is a really in depth conversation with his girlfriend about what he can feel. He talks about the semen that comes out, how it makes semen, and it was such an educational conversation, and I posted on IG I said, bro, all the years I've done Horrible, this is the most

What kind of juices is it?

I can't even believe Nan let that shit air on TLC. But he was so good at the conversation and talked about how his penis feels more rigid than others because he took the skin of his thigh instead of his arm, like, because you have to use your skin to make the bottom surgery. It's anyway, he said, he'll come out horrible, but he is phenomenal on the show, just being open about being a trans person and what it requires to have a penis, you know, part of your bottom tender

How is youu?

Ethro wasn't working like it's in depth. So he as a whole boy in Columbia and basically his girl was saying, I don't like that y'all be talking his secret, and the nigga was tired of the bitch talking about him in Spanish, and that's when he said, Okay, now.

There was a bit secret.

You know what's crazy.

By the way, I actually want to give a shout out. There's a girl that I followed and she said that she was She ended up having an actual conversation with one of the Passport bros. For those of y'all who don't know about the passport ros. They're mostly a group of black men, Black American men that go to other countries because they feel like American women suck, whether it's

To live in Colombia off of that money.

And I was like, I ain't even gonna hold you though, I was like, I would love to get the pussy price inflated across all these countries because niggas needs to know it costs, and so to know that they can go to another country and get some pussy for fifty dollars is just a little crazy because that is less than a two for twenty at Applebee's once you add the drinks and the dessert. What I'm just saying again, the billing applebee what's it called exchange and things like that.

Now, like it's not even two for twenty. It's like two for twenty.

Sex.

It's not two