And the AWARD for 'Best Podcast That Ever Was' goes to the very drunk crew at Table 6 from DEAR POD: The Comedy Advice Podcast. Could someone please wake up that drunk red-headed woman and tell her to come get her prize?
Do you have to do that right next to m?. You know. That constant breathing in and out? Sorry. That was a bit harsh but I am CRABBY and IRRITABLE today and I have no patience for anything. Now, where is my cocktail??? It should already be here!!! Why are you making me wait??? Just leave the drink and get out!!!
They tell us that we should celebrate. They make our lapels look fancier. And, they have always looked weird wrapped on a girl's wrist at a school dance. That's right. The Greenhouse is open and we are talking about FLOWERS. Find your favorite vase and grab your pruning shears for this week's bouquet of entertainment.
I'm just going to put my cold hand here. Now cough. You can trust me. I'm A DOCTOR. That's right. This week we are opening up wide and saying, "Ahhhhhh". By the time this episode is over we will have checked you for rickets, polio and shoved our hands up places only we professionals can get away with. Thank you for coming. You've been such a good patient, please enjoy this Specialty Cocktail. It tastes like a lollipop.
Welcome to a New Year! I can't think of a better way to get the ball rolling then to start off this new chapter with a GRAB BAG, That's right. The possibilities are endless and anything can happen this year. We're stocking up the Maha'a Tiki Bar for the season, we bought a giant jar of "Tums" for Patty and Erin is still annoyed. It's gonna be a great 2023!
Stop looking at me that way. It's so loud. My head is about to split in half because I drank my weight in tequila on New Year's Eve and now I have a massive HANGOVER. Stayed tuned for the best "Hair Of The Dog" as Erin & Patty fill you with hot coffee and more booze this New Year's episode.
It's that time of the year when you are looking for the perfect TOYS. for the not so perfect children. Let's face it, we forgive them for all of their short comings every Christmas and double down on the fact that they have to deal with your insanity when you're in your eighties. That's family. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
Look, I'm still in line at the COSTCO trying to prep for the Christmas Party at The Pineapple Ranch. So, I'm just gonna leave this GRAB BAG here for you to take home. Feel free to wrap it up, put it under your tree and give it to someone who needs to get introduced to DEAR POD. Oh crap. The woman in front of me has coupons! I'm never getting out of here.
Somedays you have to look back and visit and ol' favorite. I'm not sure if these people can be considered favorites. They're my OBNOXIOUS NEIGHBORS. Wait...What? You say you can't hear me. I'm practically shouting at you but it's so hard to hear with my next-door neighbor blasting his music while his three dogs are outside barking at nothing. I SAID THEY'RE BARKING AT............oh, just forget it.
Time to celebrate, cause this happens once a year. Yes, it's time to change the batteries in the smoke detectors and it's time to celebrate a BIRTHDAY. That's right. Every year that relative of your demands more attention on their special day and we are forced to bow at the alter of their fabulouslessness. So, light the candles, start the song and pray you got that thing for them in the right size.
It's that time of the year where we come together to GIVE THANKS to family, friends, family who owes you money, friends who owe you money, and the dog-walker. Find your seat at the table, fill your wine glass, bow your head and say grace. Now pass me a big helping of DEAR POD. Deeee-licious!
What say we clear the palate at the beginning of this holiday season and serve you up a nice GRAB BAG episode? No? Well then, you will be the only one on your block who doesn't know the real story behind a wife's husband and his real sexual preference. I bet you can't tell how that story will end. Plus, we have booze.
I'm sorry, Doctor. Can you please repeat your diagnosis? The second you said the word "penis" my wife burst out into a fit of LAUGHTER. Yes. Today we are going to point and laugh at all things funny or what we think deserves a good chuckle. For instance: A Priest, a Buddhist, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. It's not funny yet but mayhem is just around the corner!
I'm sorry I'm so emotional today. Whenever I hear that there is a new episode of DEAR POD, I just start CRYING. Get out your Kleenex because this week we are going to make you weep so hard that you will be forced by the congregation to listen to the episode in that special room where we haul kids who scream during church.
Wow. There is no middle of the road answer for this one. You either love them or hate them. It doesn't matter. Because whether you like it or not, we are going to talk about CLOWNS. That's right. They exist in your classroom, at your place of work, even underneath your bed. So, put on your oversized shoes and grab a rubber chicken because you are going to laugh or cry your way through this episode.
It's that time of the year when we get out the cleaning supplies and extra trash bags and see how many SKELETONS we can remove from our closets. Was your Dad married once before and never told you? Or maybe you're about to join AARP but have your young lover convinced that you recently graduated college? No judgements here. But we will look. at you from across the room with that look that says, "You know that I know and you owe me one."
Let me fluff up that pillow for you cause you're going to be laying in that COFFIN for a long time. Which one are you going to get? The one with the glass top or the racing stripe? After you listen to this episode, just like Patrick, the wood-chipper option is looking better and better.
Break out your telescopes! This week we are looking up. Nope, not at those sneakers dangling from the telephone wire but a bit higher. To the stars, Baby! It's all about ASTROLOGY. What's your sign, good lookin'? I'm a Herpes. And, I would love to see my moon in Uranus. So, can I buy you a Specialty Cocktail?
Let's take a moment to be respectful. Now, bow your heads and curtsey because the ROYALS have just entered the building. If we play our cards right, by the end of this episode we shall be known as Dame Erin, Lady Patrick & Lord Jules coming to you live from the Maha'a Tiki Lounge in the beautiful Pineapple Castle. Grab your corgis and put on your crowns as we step on the balcony and greet the new episode.
It's Thursday and you know what that means? Salisbury Steak Day. Oh yeah. That and a GRAB BAG. Can you make a decent cup of coffee? Is your husband a Smarty Pants and you feel like a Dumb Dora? Well, it's time to click PLAY and listen to us jibber-jabber and solve the problems of the world. It should only take an hour.
School has started and Andrew is at it again. He has his nose so far up our teacher's butt. He is the ultimate TEACHER'S PET. Yes. as much as we wanted to highlite the goody-two-shoes that became personal assistants to our grammar school teachers, watch how fast this topic can take a hard, left turn. Now, before we begin, will you be a doll and go outside and clap those erasers clean so we can start the show?
Hey, what did you bring for LUNCH? Can I trade you this delicious cucumber and sprouts for your PB&J? Or, should we just walk over to your house for our lunch hour and have your Mom make us something? Hope you brought your appetites for this week's brown bag of mystery meat.
Are you still in bed??? You're going to be late for SCHOOL. Yup, it's that time again. Time to put on your new Thom Mcan's, get on the bus all blurry-eyed and start figuring out what is going to be a good trade at lunch for that Pimento sandwich your father packed for you. There's the first bell. Let's start the show!
You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mother! You're my STEPMOTHER. They have gotten a bad wrap in movies for decades. How will they fare on a weekly comedy advice podcast? Only one way to find out. Ask friend to listen to the episode then explain it to you. Problem solved.
Have you guys ever met my STEPDAD? He's alright. Smells a little bit like pickles but he makes my Mom happy. I saw a dirty movie the other day where a stepdad made is wife happy, his stepdaughter elated and his stepson confused. Movies are powerful. They make you think.
OK. Once and for all. Can someone please answer this question I have when boarding an AIRPLANE? If the person in front of me weighs 400 pounds, why I am paying extra for my luggage when it's only three pounds over weight? I'll never understand. SAFETY PROCEDURE: If this episode of DEAR POD hits turbulence, you will find a floating device under your seat and mini bottles of booze will fall from above. NOW BOARDING!
Do me a favor. I've been on hold with EZPass for the last forty-five minutes. Can you GRAB that BAG for me? I think I've got some old crowns for my teeth in there and a TV set that I stole from my grandparents. Intrigued yet. Well, grab a cocktail and get comfortable.
This week we offer a necessity in each and everyone's life on this planet. TOILETS & TOILET PAPER. That's right. Not since the Summit talks of our great leaders has there been a topic more vital, important & flushable. Now stand or sit. It's your choice. Just remember to wipe back to front while listening. It's more sanitary that way.
Let's just call them as we see them. SLUTS, TRAMPS & WHORES. We are not only including our two sexy hosts in this category but anyone who has gone through a very "randy" period in their life. Ohhhh, get out the good china, cause I am feeling dishy for this week's episode!
This episode is going to the dogs. HOT DOGS to be exact. Wow. Week after week we dive into the topics that are at the cutting edge. How do we do it? Maybe next week we'll talk about...dare I say...Cheese. Maybe not. Too risky. We don't want to be canceled.
