This might be the most delicious episode yet because today we are serving CAKE. That's right. The buttercream is spread, the candles are placed and we are bringing you a three tiered dessert showpiece of vanilla and chocolate goodness. Let's dig into this weeks slice of knowledge and complaining.
GUEST ALERT!!! Batten down the hatches because we are wrapping up Gay Pride Month celebrating: LESBIANS, Blanche. LESBIANS! And who better to be this years Grand Marshal for the DEAR POD PRIDE PARADE, than comedian and special guest, LIZ GLAZER. Get out your self help books and decaffeinated teas. The red light is blinking and we are on the air!
What a beautiful summer day for a GRAB BAG. From prescription drugs to Chatty Kathy's in line, we are all over the place today. Let's not waste a minute's time. If you're lost, just drive up to that house, blow you horn and ask which is the fastest route to Dear Pod?
Get ready to Hock a Loogie, because today we are being completely gross and SPITTING our way through this episode. Why do baseball players spit throughout their games? Why does Grandma use the spittoon? If you think we have the answers to these questions...well...are you in for a surprise. Put on your rain gear, this one is going to be slippery.
Shhhh. Try not to wake her up. Any minute now Erin will be SLEEP TALKING and it will be the funniest/most terrifying thing you'll experience all month. Do people really spill hidden secrets when they're running off at the mouth at the same time they're in La La Land? Grab your favorite pillow and some Sleepy-Time Tea as we count sheep during this week's adventure.
It's time to pull off the highway and find the nearest HOTEL or MOTEL to stay in. Because I can't keep my eyes open anymore. This week we'll attempt to figure out how much we should tip the maid staff and how to convince our spouses that the random two hour room charge from that motel was just a business expense so my secretary can do some necessary dictation. Let's invade the mini bar and get this week's episode started!
GUEST ALERT!!! All hell has broken loose. Jules has kicked Erin and Patty out of the Maha'a Tiki Lounge for the day and has taken over the airways. Because, this week, we are celebrating THE MOTH REPORT! Grab your sugary dessert wine and Krispy Kreme donut as we laugh with the "Merry Maker" from Arlington, MA. MOTH is in the house and she has a lot to say. God Help Us All.
Start writing your alibi's because we've got all the evidence to lock you up for MURDER. Let them dust for fingerprints all over The Maha'a Tiki Lounge. There is no way that they can lock us up for killing you with laughter. Wait. Has anyone laughed at this show yet?
Hey, Man. Have you seen my friend Kelly? I meant Millie. No, That's not it. Does the name Pam ring a bell? Crap. I'm just trying to buy some DRUGS. That's right. We're getting brave and getting our fix from our local dealer and toking our way into this weeks episode. We've got bags of pretzels and chocolate. Now, bring on the munchies. MOLLY! That's it! I need, I mean, I'm looking for Molly!
OK. Let's not make a big thing about this. Jules looks a bit burnt out and it seems he fell asleep on the mixing board. Let's just make it easy on him and do a GRAB BAG this week. No, no , no. Don't wake him. I'm sure I can figure out for myself how this recording type device works. Oh yeah. By the way: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, EVERYONE! DEAR POD IS THREE YEARS OLD! Oh crap. I think I just woke him up.
There is not enough ibuprofen or water in the world that will help me recovery from that BACHELOR PARTY last night. This week we are doing lines, I'm mean, drawing lines in the sand to find out what really goes on during these debauchery, filled evenings. We may look great going in, but by the time this episode is over, there will be dried up vomit on our shirts and at least three chipped teeth. Big deep breath aaaaaand here we go!
(knocking on bathroom door) Hey you! Dear Pod Listener! What are you doing in that bathroom for so long? You better not be looking at DIRTY MAGAZINES, because we are about to start the show. Just come out of there, hide the magazines under your bed or that secret hole behind the wall and get in here. OK. The show is starting. By the way, you should tell me where you hid them You know. Just in case you forget.
Where's the Best Man? Is he still at the bar drinking? If he has lost those WEDDING RINGS, I am going to kill him. Some people won't wear them. Others can't take them off of their fat, fingered hands. One thing we have learned though, people will still hit on you even if you're wearing one. And THAT means...I.Still.Got.It!
Lock up the liquor cabinet and hide the cash. God only knows what the BABYSITTER is doing when we're not there. For all we know, she's let them running around the house in their birthday suits. Listen. I am paying you seventy five cents an hour. I expect the height of professionalism and nothing less. Now get those kids to bed and wash my car!
Bless us Father, for we are about to sin. You see, we have a silly podcast where we read the letters of Ann Landers and Dear Abby. Most of the time, things get saucy. Today, we will be talking about PRIESTS. Why don't you go ahead and gather the nuns around the radio. Pour everyone an extra tall glass of church wine and pray that we won't burn in hell after today's episode. AMEN.
Wait! Is that someone at the front door? Who is that? Why, it's a little girl in green! Next to Christmas, today is the happiest day of the year. It is GIRL SCOUT COOKIE delivery day! Brew the coffee. Send the kids away. Open the box of Samoas and let's start this week's frivolity. With chocolate and coconut, of course!
Get out the spackle and trowel because today we are beating our faces Yup. We're talkin' MAKEUP & COSMETICS. So, sharpen up that pencil because we are drawing a nice, heavy line around the lip of this episode before we fill it in with "You Look Like A Whore" lipstick. Happy St. Paddy's Day, Everybody!
Whaddya say we hop in a plane with a pocketful of cash and head to Vegas? I don't know about you, but I can sure use some LUCK in my life right about now. Whether you need it professionally or personally, let's all head on over to the "Crap Table Of Life" and double down on how funny we think this weeks episode will be. No sevens! No sevens! No sevens!
Have you look outside lately? The weather can't make up it's mind and neither could we. So, this week we're throwing a GRAB BAG your way. The menu is full. We're talking exotic foods, massage parlors, postcards and a visit from Moth. Pour yourself a Shasta, listen to us in you car and try not to fall asleep.
Time to put the month of romance behind us with the memory of LOVE LOST. How do you really feel about that new beau of yours. Do you stay or do you find another partner for a trail six month run? Apparently, there are no rules. Just like this week's episode of knowledge and wonder.
The month of "Love" continues on. This week, we complicate matters by throwing in a steamy LOVE AFFAIR that will make you sweat with excitement and fearful that you're going to get caught. So, put on those dark sunglasses, check-in to that seedy motel and turn on your lover on to a new episode of DEAR POD!
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One. Two. Three. Four. Just Four. Today we are reaching deep into our Hope Chests and finding all of our hidden LOVE LETTERS. Join us, won't you, as we take another attempt at our month of Love Themed topics and see how long you'll last until the sugary sweetness is so intense, your back molars just fall out. Happy Valentine's Days Everyone!
Lots of things to LOVE during this episode. To start with, how about priests not letting you sing Love Songs in church? No? What do you think of a couple who met at a casino nearly sixty years ago and they are going back for their anniversary? Still nothing? Oh, have I mentioned that Erin just had her first colonoscopy and it was epic? Yeah. I knew that would get your attention. Enjoy!
Fire up those VCR's and grab your Jane Fonda tapes, because this week we are EXERCISING! It's the new craze. Haven't you heard? The New York Times Best Seller List actually has three books on it that's all about exercise. What is this crazy world we are living in? I betcha the next new craze would be TV cameras following people in their daily lives. I know. That would be ridiculous!
GUEST ALERT!!! Let's all meet in Downward Dog as we remove all the saturated fats during this HEATH & WELLNESS episode. Board Certified Health Coach and Author, TARA ROSCIOLI, shows us just how easy one homemade honey syrup can make our cocktails tastier and (dare I say) healthier than ever. In the meantime, can someone please help me up? Somewhere between the Cat and Cow pose my back went out.
In an era that has been penned as "The Great Resignation", we at Dear Pod offer you NEW JOBS/NEW BEGINNINGS. Is your office manager giving you the side eye by the way you dress for work? Will your Dad treat you like Logan Roy treats his kids in the family business? Questions will be answered just as soon as you drop your resume with the gal at the front desk and we're done with this coffee break.
Screw Dry January. We're still in a pandemic and we're celebrating the new year by, no surprises here, DRINKING. Are you worried if your mother will have one too many cocktails at your upcoming wedding or that your Golden Retriever might be developing a drinking problem? Listen. There is no problem that we can't solve together if we sit down, be honest and face the issue head on. Let's just have a drink first.
5...4...3...2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR GRAB BAG! As we kick out the crap year that was 2021, we wait in the wings with judgement in our eyes to see how 2022 will perform. Will 2022 be all vocal riffs and tricks but with no real voice? Will the new year promise us fame and fortune but just turn out to be a deadbeat dad? Roll up your sleeve as we inject you with the healing booster of laughter and booze in this year ending episode of DEAR POD.
Deck Them Halls, Everyone! Cause it's time to gather around the tree, put on some Mitch Miller and GRAB some CHRISTMAS BAGS. Yes. It's the Holiday Grab Bag Episode. And we can't think of a better way to spend the day than open random holiday gifts that we are certain to return. Now hang on to those receipts, jingle those bells and let's rip into those letters. That's right tear right in. We're not saving the wrapping paper!
Now, don't confuse this GRAB BAG episode just any old Grab Bag episode. Of all the Grab Bag episode's that we have done in the past, I can promise you that this week's episode is one of them. How's that for confidence in your product? Time to turn up the volume and press play!
