Dear Pod,

A Spring Message, From Abby

A poem, by Abby herself, to guide all fans of DEAR POD through these challenging days.

Knock Over Three Dummies And Win A Nun Doll!

Do you need a little good news right about now? Well. we got it for ya. IT'S DEAR POD'S 50th EPISODE! Yes, my friends. Fifty episodes deep. And let's be honest, have we really learned anything? All the players are here. Erin is drinking. Patrick is judging. And, Moth is waiting for her phone to ring. Now, grab your Skipper doll, pump her arm and watch what develops!

A Bedtime Story

Put on your jammies, fluff your pillow, and pour yourself a nightcap. A special treat for all of our Dear Pod fans. A bedtime story read by our very own AAAAAAAAAnn Landers!

What Day Is It? Day.

How ya doin'? Ya hanging in there. Weird stuff going on out there right now. You know who's making things weirder? TEENS. Sure, they've been spreading their infections up and down the coast of Florida for decades but do they have to do it now?!?! Join the ladies as they deal with the Rock and Roll music, swingin' parents and let's all wait for Gal Gadot as we sanitize ourselves into this weeks episode.

A Special Message From All Of Us At DEAR POD

The Bidet Has Come

Wash your hands, dip yourself in Purell, stand six feet away from each other. This is what we, as a nation, normally do on ST. PATRICK'S DAY. Ann and Abby are dealing with Irish tempers, lying to your Irish father and, well...........drinking. So, let's not panic, be kind to one another and pour yourself a cold one. Cause we're gonna keep it silly!

I Cannot Go On With That Distraction

As a recent graduate of Toastmasters, let me say that this episode's theme of THEATRE/PERFORMING ARTS will be taking a lot of liberties. Had to squeeze many stones to get a drop of liquid out for this one. So, grab your child, head to the nearest adult feature and let's see where this takes us.

Twice On Sunday

Pop the cork, mix the drinks and restart the podcast, cause today we're giving you DEAR POD LIVE! Recored in front of a SOLD OUT audience at the Fulton Theatre in Lancaster, PA. Erin and Patrick get out of their horse and buggy and get down and dirty with the good folk of Dutch County and discover that Ann & Abby are still as loved today as ever before. And Jim learns the hard way what the RECORD button on the mixer does. Knowledge is Power!

A$$hole of Liiiiife!!!!!

We're not even sure if we're ready for this episode. This one is just plain down and dirty and we need to take a long hot shower to wash off all the funk when it's over. Fire up your VCR's, get your tapes from the 1980's, cause today we are gonna lube up and enter the world of PORN. I've "Manscaped" for this occasion. So.Ya know. You're welcome.

Another Kielbasa, Father Kelly?

Yes, I'll eat those fries, And, yes, I'll have a Filet O' Fish with that. Don't you understand? I'm in the best shape of my life and I will DINE wherever I want! So, shake some laundry starch over those eggs and hang some centerfold in your dining room. Time to belly up to this weeks buffet!

#VTOO

I left you all a brown lunch bag, some crayons and glue on your desks. We're about to make a crappy mailbox to collect the one to three VALENTINE cards that you will receive this year. Whether you're special Valentine is your Mother or the married guy from next door. Grab a handful of Girl Scout cookies and eat them off of Ann and Abby as our love gets real this week.

Leon. Tampa.

Everyone relax and just breathe! Let's take a look. Ah. Yes. Good. It appears that the podcast is crowning. Now if Erin and Patrick can just keep it together, we're just gonna need one more big push to get this PREGNANCY episode into the delivery room. This one is going to be messy.

Bring Out Eddie!

Just read this description as fast as you can and then get on with your day. Because time is MONEY. And Jesus, Lord, Our Savior, we will never have enough. Whether you're frugal or a big spender, it's the topic that get's Erin so stressed you will find her safely tucked in a corner having a glorious breakdown. Bring out the hot stones, cause we're all gonna need a bit of relief from this one.

Jesus, Gabi!!!

Do you love your body? Well, you shouldn't! SHAME. Are you uncomfortable showering in front of all those other kids at school? Well, you should't be! SHAME. This one might get a little weird. Go ahead and bake a casserole and invite the stranger next door over for dinner and some knowledge. Are we having fun yet? Well, we shouldn't! SHAME!!!

Meet My Beloved Smother......I Mean Mother.

Think you're tough? Think nothing can shake you or get under your skin? Obviously, you have never gone through the ass tightening, hair graying, back breaking pleasure of MOVING. Whether you want to move out of your parents house or move in with your Mother and Grandmother, this episode of Moving Out will definitely give you a heart attack-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!

Rest In Peace, Elwanda Greer

Listen, People. It is not our job to tell you about the Bird and the Bees. But if you can't figure out on your own that a 71 year old woman can't get pregnant, then maybe you shouldn't be having 'Sexy Sexy Time" in the first place. Put down the sweets as we start counting calories here at the Pod. It's time we all went through some CH-CH-CH-CH-CHA-CHANGES!

He's Sweating His Hair Off

The Ball has dropped. The tree is down. The ornaments are put away. Now, let's get back to the matters at hand. Like peeing in public, kissing your girlfriend with a mouthful of braces, and understanding that hair is important dammit. Hair is important! It's a GRAB BAG,Ya'll.

One Fantastic Woman

HAPPY NEW YEAR! We're about to launch into a new decade and Ann Landers has something to say about this, dammit! How will you spend your New Years Eve? At a cheap motel? Making out with your sister-in-law? Meanwhile, Erin & Patrick are waxing poetic about their most memorable moments of the past ten years. Or past year. Or last couple of days. Doesn't matter. It will all end with drinking!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Rear!

The gifts still aren't wrapped, the traffic is unbearable, the carolers are outside the door and they won't shut up. It all doesn't matter, CAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS!!! Ann has no time for people who are weird about getting their pets gifts and Abby gets curious at a husband everyone has to kiss at the Christmas party. Bring your snowballs to Mrs. Bailey and let the dipping commence. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-HEE-HAW!!!

I Should Have Named You Caroline.

We're going from holiday prep to husband swapping and straight across to sex before church on this GRAB BAG episode. Erin finally gets her moment on her soapbox to tell you if DIE HARD is really a Christmas movie and Patrick cleans up her mess with his brand new SHAM-WOW. Yipee-Ki-Ay Mother F@ckers, it's showtime!

Where My Background Singers?

I'm having a hard time reading this description. Can you please move the cue cards faster? Thank you. Hey! Are you another year older today? Would you like us to interrupt your school day and celebrate your BIRTHDAY right in the middle of class? Your teacher won't mind. Buy your spouse an inappropriate present to mark this yearly occasion and let's blow all the candles out on Erin's rum-soaked cake. It's a party, Y'all!

No Holiday Is A Vacation!

Get out the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, string beans, gravy, bread, booze, yams, mashed potatoes, those appetizers with the water chestnuts and the bacon, cheese plate, pepperoni sticks, that thing in the casserole dish that I believe has mashmallows and fluff, and let's all shove it in our faces and piss Partick off. It's the THANKSGIVING episode! Bon Appetit!

I Can Feel The Damp In My Knee.

What is going on with this Fall weather? One day it's crisp. The next day it's freezing. And, the next day we're wearing shorts. Whether it's hot, cold, snowing, raining or a gorgeous day, someone will always be bitching about the WEATHER. Ann & Abby have their rain gear on and Patrick is knockin' Erin out with "those American thighs". Let's do this thing!

Wash Your Flesh Car.

We're trying to play this episode on the "down low". It's not that we're in a serious relationship with other podcasts. We just find them sexy and want to bone them. That right. It's all about INFIDELITY today. So, pour a glass of a nice, lite Egg Nog and try to talk your way out of this episode.

She Has A Wimbledon Trophy On Her Ear

Get out your Ouija boards and settle in. Who knows who's gonna haunt us in this weeks GRAB BAG. What kind of head protection should one wear during sex? And just by reading this episode summary, does it send you running to the bathroom? Put your attitudes in check, throw on your blazer with the shoulder pads and find out "What's Shak'in" on the pod.

A Bag Of Chips And A Dream

Can't talk. Shoving candy into our faces. We are all sugared up for this week's HALLOWEEN edition. Should we ditch the candy this year and just give the kids pennies? And, how the hell is a costumed stranger coming to your door demanding food not a weird thing? Grab your full size Snickers (and if you're Patrick...raisins) and celebrate All Hallows Eve with us!

I'm 63 And I'm Ready To F$CK!

Just in time for the end of Baseball season and Football in the Fall, this one is all about SPORTS. Do you lose your husband on a nightly basis to all of his extracurricular, physical activities? Does wearing a girdle really help your long game? And for God's sake, will someone please explain to Ann why girls CAN play tackle football! Let's all Seventh Inning Stretch into this week's lessons.

A Spray Of Na-Tay.

Jesus, we're going to need help with this one. Oh. I'm sorry. I was actually praying to Jesus for guidance through this weeks episode. Cause, it's all about RELIGION. Does your religion allow you to give your body to science? Will it let you be buried with your favorite jewelry? Grab a milkshake while you walk down the street as you listen to Erin mispronounce everything.

It's A Very Mitzi Gaynor Sunday

So...last week was all about Sisters. One guess what this weeks episode is serving up? Yeah. Yeah. We could have tried harder. But, hey! Does your BROTHER blame you for your wife's nervous breakdown? Or does he expect you to do all the Birthday shopping and he'll just sign his name to the card? Relax. Turn on your sound machines and let Ina and Jeffrey make it all better. Bon Appetit!

A Belly Full Of Potato Salad

Liza and Lorna. Queen Elizabeth and Princess Margaret. Ann and Abby. Yup. This week we're talking about SISTERS. Is yours a thief only when checked into a hotel? Perhaps she likes to lock you outside the house. You know. Just cuz.? Chances are are, if you have one, then we've got a story for you. Tell that old lady to put the barbell down and shut her yap. It's time to bless the rains down in Africa.